Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait islander peoples today.
This episode is recorded on Gaddigal Land of the Aurora Nation. Hi guys, and are welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura and I'm Brittany, and this is Thursday. Ask on the cut, Well, we answer your deep, dark and burning questions your.
Sexy little saucy numbers.
Do we have any sexy saucy numbers today?
No? I did want to answer the question about the girl who wanted to lick her boyfriend's butthole, and you're I said no.
Your answer to.
That was, Laura, i am not going to answer that question. And I said why, it would be funny and you said, I'm not going to talk about licking an asshole on the podcast. And I said, Britt, it'll be funny that you're giving a blow by blow and I kept on with it. It would be funny thing. And then Britt said no because she turns her nose up at l Let's.
Put it this way, Laura, would you like an article this week about you licking a buttole tell me that because this is this is what this questions about. No, exactly, I'm doing you a favor, but I also just think, go for it.
Whatever. What's the worst that could happen anyway? Hellot, actually a lot.
Yeah, things could turn terribly, terribly wrong. We have some really great questions today. We have some diverse and different questions that hit a whole lot of different areas of life and the body and the body. But none of them hit the bum Let's put it that way. Now, they don't unfortunately.
Got left out. But Britt, you have a story. Something happened to you?
Yeah, well I thought this was something funny, just one of those really awkward moments.
It was bound to happen.
In the little circle that I run in bond Eyed. The little is one suburb. Keisha and I spend a lot of time together. Now, now this was bound to happen, but producer, Keisha and I we are both single, and a lot of people don't know this. Keisha just doesn't work for us. But she's a very very good friend. I see Keisha every single day, and if I don't see her, I speak to her, or we carry a pigeon, or we text or we whatever. We are like very
in constant contact, constant conduct. Anyway. We are both single, we are both on the dating app ready to mingle, babby, but we have never really had the problem of matching or talking to the same person or wanting to date the same person. We've always had different types, different vibes, like it just hasn't happened yet.
I find that surprising because I actually think you guys have kind of a similar taste in men in some ways.
Yeah, some ways, but not there.
It's funny because Keisha will show me someone. She's like, look at this babe, I'm talking to it. And I was like, oh, yeah, babe, not my kind of babe, but for you. And then I will show her someone. I'm like, oh, look at this guy, and she's the same She's like, oh, or yours kind of thing. You know, it hasn't happened often anyway.
A couple of weeks ago, I showed her.
I said, hey, look I'm talking to this babe, and I showed her were at the dog park, I showed her his profile and she goes, fuck off. She was like, it's happened. I was like, what's happened? She's like, I'm talking to him too. She was talking to him too. She's like, how often are you talking?
I was like, well, actually a lot.
But he hasn't replied to the last thing I said a couple of days ago. She's like same.
I was like, because he met a girl and started dating someone.
No, no, But she's like, oh, he just stopped replying to me as well.
And I was like, in this situation, when you just realized you're speaking to the same person who dips like as as her employer, do you get to just continue the comment or are you like you can I'll take this one for the team, like this one you can continue because you can't both continue. It's not like it's not Hunger Game Survival of the Fittest, like you have to decide.
Who's going to continue. Because I set out my bow.
And arrow and I was like, runs anyhow, I will not know the answer to that because we haven't actually been in that position yet, because he hadn't responded to
either of it. So I guess to answer the question if that had happened and we were still talking as much, we would probably just work out who had organized to meet up or who had spoken the longest, and the other one would have to just like like if Keisha was to the point where she's like, oh, he's taking me to dinner, I would stop texting immediately, and I think vice versa.
But it's when you have met in IRL that that's when whoever you don't touch that with TECH, for whoever meets first in IRL gets the man.
Well.
If talking to.
Him longer as well, or more in depth or whatever.
Of course you wouldn't.
You'd back off because you don't want to be in that situation. But we were pretty much the conversations were about the same level, but anyway irrelevant. He'd stopped replying to us, and it was a shame because he was He seems funny and nice. He was very good looking. He was foreign, which we all know I love.
So I was he wearing a turtleneck.
Nobo, He would look good in one. You can tell that as a man that would look good in.
Turtle neck anyway, he's got a neck for it. Put it that way.
We're at the pub on Saturday night, Keisha and I out. We're at the pub and it's pumping and it's very busy. I see this guy walking towards me and it's just a guy that I used to train at a gym with nine years ago. He was a coach there and I hadn't seen him in all this time, and I recognized him and I was.
Like, oh my god.
I was like, hey stopped him and I was like, how are you happen, say even ten years Like, we used to train on the other side of the city in North Sydney. Now we live in the East. We were chatting and having this really great catch up and I was with Keisa on a friend and then his two friends walk up and stand behind him and I look at his friend. I have this moment of realization. He looks at me and I'm like, oh my god,
that I look at Keisha. Keisha looks at me, sees my face, looks at him, he looks at her, he looks at me.
We're all looking at each other. There's like looking in and he walks away. It's this guy. It's the guy that we both matched with, both liked. He was like, this is way too much to deal with. The two of you that I ghosted.
At the same time, I'm still not convinced. I don't know if he put it together right. I know he put Keisha's like he definitely recognized me. I was like, I'm not convinced he actually recognized me. But there was this awkward moment, right, so he walks away. I think this is hilarious, and because I don't have a filter, instead of just like pretending it didn't happen, the guy that I'm talking to, who's a common friend, I start laughing.
And so these two friends walk away, right, and so I'm laughing saying I matched with your friend and he ghosted me, and he's like what. I was like, oh we He's like, hey really and he's like's like, that's not like him. And I'm like, yeah really, And I'd pointed over to them and he's like and I showed it. I was like we were talking that we're having the banter, and he asked me this question and I answered and asked him the question back.
It was just all having in the right direction.
Yeah, And he's like, that's crazy. Do you want me to say something? And I was like, yeah, I care. So he goes over to this guy. You don't do that.
If someone ghosts, you don't get their friend to go and do like the like the interrogation.
He comes, he brings him back.
He goes over and he brings him back over to the circle. He puts him in front of me and he goes, I think you two have some stuff you need to work out. And I looked at this guy. He looked at me and he goes, you have a crush on each don't you. And I looked at him.
I was like, that's not that's the wrong guy. You've just rushed. He just might have bought a random guy.
Over, put him in front of my face and said you do you need to work some shit out? And I was like, this is so awkward. We both never spoke to the other guy again. He stayed on the other side of the bar the whole time, didn't say a word, didn't look at us, didn't do anything.
I bet you he has a girlfriend. That's my that is my no.
His friend told us he does. Hey, that is like my go to.
Anytime that a guy just disappears and then ignores you, I'm like, oh, he's a cheating asshole, Like that's how affected I've been.
In my life.
I'm like, oh, he's doing the dirty.
Part of me wanted I had to control myself. I had a few dreams. Part of me wanted to go up and just not anything bad because he didn't do anything wrong. Just put him on the spot and say, so, where did we go wrong? Like what happened there? But I just don't think he was ready for the awkward interaction.
As somebody who typically says that they don't like confrontation, the fact that you wanted to go and confront a tinder match who you had never seen in real life who stopped speaking to you is possibly the weirdest thing that you've ever said.
And I'm so glad.
For you that you didn't do that, because to me, that's not the confrontation. I would have thought it was funny. I would have taken the piss a little bit. This wouldn't have been an argument, like I would have given him a hard time and then just walked off. But a hard time is in like having a lull. But I wonder if any of you are out there listening, or you're all out there listening, But if.
Any of you that are listening, hopefully you're listening.
No, but if there's anyone that stated the same, If your friends, if this, I would love to know what you did or how you handle it, or who gets first DIBs. What are the rules in your group if you've found out you're matching the same person, who backs off?
Who steps away? And who is it?
Just like, oh, you haven't had a hot one in a while? Will given to you? What's the rules of engagement or is.
It survival of the fittest? Is it whoever gets in there first? Does he get to does he get to choose? Is it like a Bachelor not choose?
No?
Is it like an episode of The Bachelor soft just not on TV? Like you both go on dates and he gets to pick the one he wants the best irl bachelor? No, you're Sicico, That is not what you're doing.
All right?
Well speaking, I have an article I want to discuss before we get into answering your questions. And since we've just started with people ghosting and people disappearing, here's one that's really going to tickle your fancy. It certainly didn't tickle this girl's fancy, but this is probably the most messed up ghosting experience I have ever heard of when it comes to dating. There is an Australian woman. She has gone viral on TikTok. You know we love a
good TikTok here. Her name is at Bris Deval. She is twenty five years old and she was living in Canada with her fiance. Now this is where things really take a turn for the worst. So her fiance ghosted her. But he ghosted her after she fell from a ten meter retaining wall. She fell head first into the pavement. Can you think about how horrific this is? Even saying those words makes me feel physically sick.
Horrific.
She ended up in a coma for three months and woke up after being in a coma to find out that her fiance not only had he ghosted her when she'd had this accident, but he fucking vanished and was in a relationship and had moved in with somebody else.
He was living with them.
Howd he move in in three months?
I mean things move quickly for this man.
This so they were actually engaged. I read the article, but I couldn't remember they were actually engaged. So she yeah, and so it's actually so horrific.
I were thinking about whether we would get her on the podcast to talk this all through.
I'd love just to really unpack what happened here. But she was twenty five years old.
She had this severe brain injury, and the only reason why her life support wasn't turned off was because her parents were living in Australia. She was in Canada. It was all during COVID. Her parents couldn't get the permission to travel to Canada and so they wouldn't let the doctors turn off life support until they could get there and see their daughter again.
And then, incredibly, like she.
Was given like the most smallest percentage chance of being able to survive this, and incredibly she started getting her faculties back, She started to become aware of what was going on around her, and she actually woke up from this coma. So like to unpack this properly. He was under the impression that she was never ever going to survive, But moving on in three months after your partner has essentially passed away in your mind is pretty fucking wild.
Yeah. So, also, the fact is she hadn't passed away yet, while she think that it's looking that way, which is horrific, And you know what, we cannot imagine we cannot put ourselves in this position because we haven't been in this position. I can't imagine what he was thinking or feeling at the time. But to move on, it wasn't three months after she'd passed away, after they decided to put the last It was three months after that accident.
That's insanity, okay.
But what makes this even worse is not only did he move on with somebody else, but this is how monumental the ghosting was. So when she woke up from her coma and she remembered who he was, and she remembered she had a fiance, she tried to reach out to him. So this is part of the TikTok that
she's put together. So she explained that she called him after finally waking up from the coma, and he didn't answer the phone, but she did get a text from another woman, and the text said, he has moved out with me, and he has moved all of his things out of your house and now we are together, so please do not contact him again. And he never ever
made contact with her. Can you imagine being such a pathetic piece of scum that you avoid confrontations so much that you get your new girlfriend to contact the person who's just come out of a coma after three months when you were engaged.
My jaw is literally on the ground. And if but you know what, you know, I think in this situation, if there's anything to take from this for this girl, you dodged a fucking bullet.
If that was the.
Person that you were going to marry, such a weak little weasel, a weak, little disloyal weasel. And that is the perfect I haven't used that term a long time. He's a weasel. He is a scummy little weasel. You you dodgedow. It's so powerful though once you say it, it feels goods soasily.
Yes, this feels good.
But this girl has dodged an absolute bullet. And that's the only thing that can remotely make this easier for this poor girl is to think, Wow, you are so fucking detached that I'm glad that I didn't end up with you. That's what I would try to take from it. But I can't imagine the poor thing.
And only like he was so conflict avoidant that he also ended up going on and blocking her from all of his social media accounts.
I can't even a kind of sucked in she's gone viral.
And also like the next time that you think you've been ghosted by someone who you were talking to, you can think of this person because like, nothing will ever compare to this level of.
A Now, this takes away from my story, So my ghosting is like not even bad from this.
But what would you do if this happened to you? Put yourself in this situation for a second. Would you like continue to call, would you show up at his house? Would you call your mutual friends, because obviously you'd have mutual friends that have to be more to the story. You wouldn't just be like, Okay, well you don't want to speak to me, I'm going to just disappear. You'd be so enraged and you, like, I think I would rock up at his house, and you know what you would do.
I would be worried.
I would restrain you. I would be worried what you would do. I would definitely I don't think I would be able to not have any form of communication with him at all. I would have needed something one phone call, one text at a minimum, which is not going to suffice. But to have absolutely nothing, it is such a pathetic, selfish, selfish weasly move for him, but itself, that's a great word besides weasel, selfish. It's such a selfish thing to take that from her and stop her from moving on
in a sense. And I know we say you don't necessarily enclosure from other people to move on. You don't always you're fucking getting married. You were marrying this woman. She was in a tragic accident. I'm sorry, but the whole vow is far better or worse. That includes a coma.
They didn't make it to that part of the Oh, but that's what you because.
What you're about to do, like when you ask someone to marry you.
It's actually so wild if you want to go and actually look at the tiktoks. Her name is hot Comba.
Girl, one of the TikTok And as much as he as much as we are like laughing about it and joking about it, she definitely does it in a very positive and upbeat way. But what an incredible story, and the fact that she's been able to put a positive spin on what is truly just the most horrific and traumatic story is such a testament to what a strong individual she must be.
All Right, well, let's get into some of the questions.
I'm gonna kick it off.
Hi, I am a longtime listener, first time caller. Me and my partner dated for over a year and we broke up for a couple of months. We are back together now, but I have found out that while we were broken up, he was seeing someone else. And now he wasn't just sleeping with them, but he was going on dates with them. When broken up. I was okay with him sleeping with other people because that's just physical, but dating is more than physical. So now I'm unsure
how I feel about it all. We were also talking almost every single day when we were broken up, and he was saying that he was so sad and that he missed me and all this sort of stuff. I'm really confused. Could he have actually still loved me and missed me that much even though he was technically seeing someone else. I also think that the two of us might have caught up while he was actually seeing this person.
Please help.
He whilst not ideal, has not done anything wrong, and I think that this is morally sure. He is saying to you, I miss you, I love you, talking to you every day communication, and he's sleeping with someone else. And seeing someone else. Technically, on a technicality, that's okay because you guys broke up, so he's not cheating on you. And in answer to your question, can you.
Can trickly one though, isn't it?
I don't think it is.
I think it is what it is.
And there's a level of acceptance that you're going to have to have if you want to be with him knowing that he was with other people while you broke up. And one of your questions in that was could he really have missed me and loved me if he was sleeping with someone else? Well, the answer is yes, he can do that. He could very much miss and love you and use his appendage to make love to someone else.
And also go out on a nice dinner with them every so while. Yes, it doesn't mean that he's emotionally invested.
No, it means he was probably bored that night and wanted to go and have dinner and have a conversation with someone else. But you still stole his heart. Now, it's not I'm not saying this is ideal and it's great because it's not. And it sucks for you to think that he was with someone else. But if you were broken up. You're going to have to find a way to be okay with it if you want to be with him.
Yeah, And I think at the end of the day, like technically and I mean, I love technicolity now, but at the end of the day, you are back together and he's chosen to be with you because he wants to be with you. And even though he dated somebody else in between, whether it was more than sexual, maybe he had some feelings for her, those feelings were obviously not strong enough for him to want to be in
a relationship with her, or he would have been. I think getting back with someone when you've had a period of time broken up can be really messy and it can add a lot of feelings of confusion in the relationship because breakups unless you're going on.
A break and having a break.
From each other, in which like, if you're going on a break, then Britt and I are big advocates that you have to set rules and boundaries for what that break looks like.
So, if you're.
Actually going on a break, can you date, can you have sex with other people? Are you exploring other connections?
Are you in contact with each other?
Still totally there has to be rules that are put in place, because otherwise each party end up disappointed because somebody feels portrayed that whatever rules they have in their head weren't executed by the other person. But if you actually broke up without necessarily the intention of you getting back together, or that was never discussed that you're getting back together, then I think it's okay that he tried to get on with his life.
He tried to as much.
As he may have still been really connected to you, missed you every day, still loved you. He was essentially trying to move forward with his life, even though he did it in a bit of a messy way. And I think like people are very complex. Feelings are complex. You can be going out on dates and be having sex with someone and still be in love with someone else. We all know that that's a very, very possible thing.
The other part of this as well, is like sometimes I think we try and like remove sex and dating and be like, but you're only supposed to be going and having a sexual relationship. It's really hard to just find someone to have a sexual relationship with. Like, it's really hard to find someone where you've amen yeah, where you've like not been on a date. Most people will go on a couple of dates, even if it only then evolves into a sexual relationship, because people want to
kind of know the person that they're fucking. It's very like, it's not that common that you just meet someone online, you only have sex with them, you never ever interact in any other capacity. Are the connection And like, maybe that happens from time to time, But I know for myself, like anytime I've had a friends with benefits situation, I've still kind of gone on dates with them. I've still
gotten to know them. Doesn't mean I wanted to date them and them to be my boyfriend, but I've still gotten to know them so that I felt comfortable to have sex with them.
Well, the term is friends with benefits. You're going to have that level of comfort and communication with someone to be able to be comfortable to sleep with them. So I think that that's a completely normal thing for him to have developed some connection with whoever he is sleeping with at the end of the day. This one is
pretty easy. If you want to be with him, I think you have to have a level of acceptance that that did happen and be able to move on because if you don't have the acceptance and you can't move on. This is just going to develop, it's going to snowball, it's going to be very very toxic in your relationship. And this is just something you need to decide in So if you're not okay with it, that's also okay, but just means you're probably not gonna be able to continue the relationship.
Yeah, and you can't change the past, like you're so right, Britt, You can't change what's happened. You just have to be able to figure out ways to deal with it. And maybe it's one of those situations where time heals all. And it's a really annoying saying, but the reason why
it exists is because it's very fucking true. Time really does create great perspective on things, and maybe in a few months more time, or in a year's time, you won't ever even think about the fact that you guys broke up for a little bit and that he was seeing other people.
Question two, Okay, Question number two. My friend has been with her partner for six years. Recently, she made an only Fans account. After discussing an in depth with her partner, he agreed that it was okay. As long as they discussed what was okay and what wasn't. Ten subscribers later, and one fake subscriber from her partner who has now basically broken up with her due to the Only Fans account. I should add that it was making her happy and
helping her feel confident and good about herself. My question is should she have to delete the account to keep her relationship or does he need to sort his feelings out and get on board and get on her side. He has made her really upset the last couple of days about this. I hate seeing her so conflicted. So the question is does she have to delete her OnlyFans
account because her boyfriend isn't happy with it? Or is it selfish of him to say he doesn't want to be with her if she has it, and does he needs to get on board? Now? I have very strong feelings, but what are yours?
I have a few, Okay, I have a few questions which unfortunately would go unanswered because we can't get the answers to them. But my question, firstly is you said that they sat down and they created like boundaries. What he was okay with her posting and what made him feel uncomfortable and then he subscribed.
And then he broke up with her. Did she post things that were.
Pushing the boundaries of what he said made him feel comfortable? Like, that's my first question. Were there things that were posted that were beyond what they had mutually agreed upon, in which case I don't think that he needs to address anything about that.
The other part, though, is okay.
Let's say that the only the thing she posted were very much in line with what they had agreed upon. I still think it's okay that it made him uncomfortable. And I think that we all have different levels for what isn't isn't acceptable in our relationships, and we can't just expect that our partner will get on board for everything.
And as much as we live in a society now that is really pro sexual positivity, talking about sex inclusively, being really open and transparent, I mean even you and I talking about sex on this podcast, like sex is having a real renaissance, and I think there is a lot of social acceptance when it comes to things like only fans.
Now, that doesn't mean that.
He feels comfortable dating somebody who has an OnlyFans account, and that is okay, because that is what suits him, and I think the fact that you've been together for six years, you kind of already when you've been with someone for six years, you kind of you already know what you're in for, right, Like you've already kind of
signed up for the relationship being a certain way. It's okay that if one person wants something very different to turn around and say, well, that doesn't suit what I want and so therefore I don't feel comfortable being in this relationship. That's a kind of a hard thing to swallow if you both start to want different things. But I understand why that can occur.
The only thing I.
Want to add to that because I agree with it all. The only thing I really really want to point out is he's allowed to change his mind about what he's okay with the fact that he said it was okay and they talked about it, and then she did it, and then he's decided, actually, you know what I'm not that's okay. So I don't think she can use that against him to say, well, you said it was. And at the end of the day, I think it's actually a great thing. He did try to meet you halfway.
By the sounds of it, he's come in and said, Okay, let's give it a go. You want to do it. This is what I think I'll be okay with, let's do it. I've then seen it and realize that, fuck, you know what, it's not comfortable with me. I'm not about this. This is something that you guys with this couple are really really going to have to communicate on and see what's more important at the end of the day, because he has come and said that this is his boundary.
He does not want his partner posting whatever she is posting on an only fans account. What is more important to your friend, the person that's written this in what's more important to the girl her OnlyFans account? Or having the conversation and saying, Okay, I appreciate us trying, I won't do it anymore totally.
I think you hit the nail on the head of that completely, brit Like that being the ultimate question. That's probably where he's coming from as well. What's more important to you our relationship or having an only fans account? Like why is that so important? Why is that where you're getting your self confidence from? Why is that where
you're getting a sense of self from? I think that they're really big questions for your friend to ask herself around, like what is it about having an only fans that's making her feel so confident? And if that's what's really important to her, that's absolutely fine, But it doesn't mean that they are a perfect pairing. For example, and I think that this is a good example. I struggle, and
I've had this conversation with Matt before. I could never date an act because I wouldn't be comfortable with them making out with a woman on screen, even though it's his job.
Even though I used to have his conversation with Jordan.
Yeah, and I dated an actor once and he there was a scene that he had to do and it was a it was a film clip for a song, and he was going to have to kiss the female singer in the film clip. It made me feel so uncomfortable. I hated every single second of that. And I knew that if that made me feel so insecure, that I probably wasn't suited for dating someone when that's an integral part of their job. So we didn't date any longer.
And that's okay. That doesn't make me a bad person because I felt insecure about the fact that he was an actor and part of his job was kissing a girl. Nor was I going to say to him, yes, you can be an actor, but you're not allowed to kiss anyone, Because what a stupid rule that is to put in place. You know, I think that it's okay for people to have jobs that they don't align with what you want
in a relationship. I do think that we're in a really tricky position at the moment with society where we're being so and it's a good thing. We're so sex positive and we're so liberal about it. But then it doesn't mean that he's done anything wrong. It just doesn't align with where his boundaries lie in his relationship, and that is okay.
I think we covered that one. I think we need to okay.
Question not the O wait wait, you mentioned one thing though.
What was Jordan's opinion of you kissing someone as someone who's an aspiring actress. You said that this is something that was a point in your relationship. What was the outcome?
Yeah, there was an audition we were talking about that I had that if I got the role, would have involved kissing someone else, and he was an adamant no. He was like, I couldn't be with you if you were going to make out with someone else, And I said, oh, well, you know that, that's like, that's all I want to do. Like, I don't want to make out with other people.
But I would love to. What do I want to do is kiss other people? So this is going to be a real problem in our relationship. Yeah, No, like I wanted to.
I want to create and I want to be in that industry and do really fun things like that. And if that came up, then, you know, not ideal. But I would hope that in a relationship, whatever relationship I'm in, that there is a level of trust in your partner. And I get that it's not for everyone. If I was dating somebody and I and they were kissing somebody else or sexy with someone else, of course it's not
ideal and you don't want to watch it. But I would hope in my relationship I had enough trust in the relationship to know that they're just going to work and doing what they're doing and it's not doing anything for them, it's not turning them on. And it's there's like twenty five cameras on you. There's a lot of people. It's not These people are not being turned on. And I know that historically speaking, there have been some very famous people that have had relationships off the back of
meeting on screen. Totally.
I think I did get it.
I think it's naive to say that people don't get turned on for us. Yes, it is part of the job.
Maybe they get turned on later at night when they're thinking about it, but in the moment.
They're not that like that.
No, what I mean is it's like not turned on by the kiss. Like, yes, it is part of the job. There are many actors who have ended up hooking up with their coastars. I mean, there are many actors who have ended up having affairs with their co stars totally right. So I don't think that you can just say that like it never happens. I can understand why some people feel like it is a really tricky part. And that's how I felt one hundred percent.
And that's what it comes back to you. At the end of the day, you have to be okay that your partner's going to go and do something, and in this situation, he is just not okay that something you need to discuss and accept only fans of your partner, because that seems to be without him giving an ultimatum here, because it doesn't sound like he is. It just sounds like you're saying, well, I don't want to do this anymore. If you want to do it, that's an ultimatum. Yeah,
but it's not like fucking delete it. He's just saying, this is my choice. Well, I mean, we don't have this information. He hasn't said delete or I'll leave. He's like, okay, well I'm super uncomfortable with this, so I'm going to leave the relationship. You've got to sign it. What's more important?
That's it? Yeah, I totally agree.
All right, Question A number three, and we needed to throw in a spicy sexy one, so of course we had to throw in a spicy one. So this one has to do with cunning linguists, linus, lingos, cunning lingus?
Is that what it is?
I don't know what you're talking about, hunting lingus, flicking the virgine, going downtown, going downtown. Let's just colloquialize it, all right. I had a baby a bit over six months ago. My partner has only been down on me once since then. This used to be a regular part of out sex lives and something that I really liked. It's starting to really bother me that this hasn't returned. I've tried talking to him about it, and he says, I just don't feel like it or we will get
back to it eventually. It's hard to not get resentful of the fact that, along with my job, my body, my social life, that I've given up this too. Now.
I know I can't make him do it, but is this normal? And what can I do?
Well?
I do not know if this is normal because I am not married, I have not had a baby, and I have no sex life after baby life, So this one might have to be for you, Laura.
I mean, it's not normal.
It's not normal for your partner to stop doing something that was an integral part of your sex life after you have kids. That to me makes me think that he views your body differently after having kids, like there's some sort of mental shift that's happened.
Like that's where the baby came from. Yeah, I can't go there anymore.
But also like, well, if you can still have sex with me, Like what is so problematic about my vagina and my volva that you now can't go down there? Like what trauma did me giving earth create for you. Let's unpack that body. I think it's probably the big place to start.
But it's true.
Like, it's true, it's true, and I understand why you feel resentful.
Like you when you become a mum, you give up so much. You give up so much.
There's already aspects of your body that you probably feel less desirable in because so many of us after having kids, you know, things aren't the same as what they were pre baby. So to sacrifice a part of what makes you feel desirable and makes you feel like your husband wants to be with you and wants to have sex with you would also add to those feelings of insecurity. Now,
I do think it's only been six months. There is a chance that will return, But six months is still a long enough time that your body is back to Essentially, it's back to some sort of normality. You're back into a routine, your baby's probably sleeping through a little bit. More like, there's not really any reason for him to say, oh, that's something that will get back to in the future if he's not actually actively trying to figure out why it's a problem.
Do you know what I mean? Well, I think that is exactly what we need to discuss right now. What you need to discuss is the why. So have you sat down and had the conversation with him about why, why he's no longer wanting to go down on you, why he has an aversion of sorts. If you don't know why, and you just keep that to yourself, well a, you're going to make up God knows what reasons in your head, like you are going to perpetuate a lot
that could may or may not be true. Same thing as Laura and I always say, communication, and he's your partner, it's okay to sit down and have those hard conversations with him. Maybe don't have it in the bedroom. You know, we've spoken to psychologists and sexologists and everyone says the same thing. You don't have these conversations in the bedroom, like you're not about to get jiggy with it and you're pushing his head down and you're like, why are
you going down to me? Don't have those conversations, have a just have a real conversation. Maybe it's over dinner and maybe it's watching TV. Maybe it's like, Hey, I want to ask you something that's been bothering me a little while and just ask where his head's at, because maybe even him discussing it and you discussing it back and having a conversation might help him work through some stuff or whatever is bothering him totally.
And I think it also comes back to your vulnerability around it, Like explaining to him why that makes you feel the way that you feel, and also explaining how you feel like you've given up so much already might give him a bit of context because maybe he is being a bit selfish in the bedroom now. Maybe it was something that he wasn't doing when you were pregnant, and so therefore he's just slid back into a routine of like, oh, well, I don't need to do that
anymore kind of thing. But I also think it's really important that if he's giving you these sort of like half last answers of like, well, I don't feel like it, or we'll get back to it eventually, digging a bit deeper to understand why will we get back to it
eventually and why can't you do it now? Because yes, although you can't force him to go down on you, you can lay down your expectations in what you want when it comes to like being intimate with your partner, and it's not like you're asking for something that's never happened before. It's not like you're asking for some crazy kink that lies outside of what he feels comfortable with. Like, this is something that you guys have always done, and
the only thing that's changed is having a baby. I know that, like not necessarily this specific thing, but sex changes for a lot of people after kids many different reasons, and I think for a lot of men there is some sort of post having babies thing where they're like, oh, that's where the baby comes from, and they have a weird attachment to it, and to that I kind of have always had the stance of like, they need to get the fuck over it for you guys to get
back to having a great relationship, because ultimately, as women, we're the ones who sacrifice so much.
That really I don't have a lot.
Of sympathy for a guy who's struggling with like being intimate or having sex after having a baby, because I'm like, this didn't impact you in the same way it impacted me totally.
Just to finish it off, it is important to say that we unfortunately we can't force our partners to do anything they don't want to do. And this is in all aspects of life. You can't make someone do something they don't want to do. But what you can do is have the conversation to figure out why, express yourself what you want, why you want it, and how it makes you feel. He will do the same or your partner will do the same, and then you can work
on it from there. But you can't you if you start to without this conversation, right, what I'm trying to say is, without this conversation, if you're of force him to do something he doesn't want to do, all it's gonna do is build resentment. He's gonna resent it even more and resent you even more. You just can't. As much as it's the easy option, you can't go down that track. This just has to be doesn't even have to be a hard conversation, but it has to be a conversation.
Well, do you not think though?
When you have some of these conversations like it can almost make the issue a bigger problem. Like if the fact that you're like talking about it and you're giving airtime to it, and then you can become insecure when you're actually in the bedroom so when it comes to like going down on you, you think, oh my god, he's only doing it now because I've made him do it, and so therefore you then get in your own head about the whole situation.
It becomes even bigger.
Okay, the other option is just sit on his face.
Just get on up there, girl. This is all we're doing tonight. We're gonna have a really fun time. We're gonna go down on me for an hour.
But anyway, guys, that is it from us on askun Car. Will be back on.
Saturday with our radio show.
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So yeah, so my mum played Unclad Dog to friends and shared a lot because we love live