Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never seated. We pay our respects to their elders past and present.
Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was recorded on Drug Wallamata Land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life on Cat. I'm Laura, I'm Brittany and Briny.
Guess what what?
I went down a rabbit hole, A rabbit hole that satisfied me in ways I never thought it would. And now I know something I never thought I would know. But I really encourage everyone to go on Google.
It's the best part about rabbit holes, isn't it. You don't know where you're gonna end up.
Yeah, And you like when you're on a doom scroll and then you all of a sudden come across something and you're like, wow, my brain never knew that, Now it does.
What was said? Rabbit hole? Okay? Have you ever googled? What ever that's it feel like? Wants to know? Okay?
Have you ever googled what a pigeon's nest looks like a pigeon?
Actually, every second Saturday I google that, Laura, Why would I have googled what a pigeon's nest is.
No.
Okay, everybody in a car wherever you are listening, and maybe're on a bus, maybe're on a taxi, who knows, maybe you're walking hot go walk, Just stop and just google pigeon nest because pigeons are particularly poor at building nests, and the level of effort that they put into taking care of their home and raising their little egg child is truly hilarious.
I thought you were gonna tell me something other than that. I thought pigeon nest was like a euphinism for something naughty or sexy, or I thought you were gonna like think you were goggling an innocent pigeoness.
But then pow, it's something else. But no, it's actually just a nest.
It's a real nest. Can I just show you? I need to show you some examples of what a pigeon nest looks like. They'll just lay an egg anywhere. They'll go and get one single fucking stick and lay it next to their egg, and they'll be like a job done.
No, I do know that, you know what, Look at this shit. It's so funny.
If you are feeling like you're having if you've ever felt bad at your job, if you've ever questioned or had like imposter syndrome. I thought, maybe I'm not equipped for this Google pigeon nest.
And it will make you. Look at that one. The pigeon put a stick in an egg on a bed. I actually know this, and you know why. Look at this pigeon. It laid an egg under a car. It's so funny. I can't see it. Can you see the egg under a wheel? I mean, that's dangerous. My grandma rest in peace.
She's no longer with us. My grandma spent her whole life racing pigeons. She's a pigeon racer. So I grew up with pigeons in a pigeon cage. I would be the pigeon lady. I'd walk into her pigeon and cage and you'd have to close it, and they were like, I'm not exaggerating. There were fifty pigeons in living together in this huge, huge pigeon cage.
I shouldn't say that.
It was an avery and you'd walk in and I'd be that pigeon lady. I feel like I was, you knowing pet Detective Jim Carrey in that scene where he walks into his.
They're called homing pigeons. I used to have a homing pigeon when I was a kid. This is all getting weird now wait, hang on, god, I'm sorry.
I'm racing pigeons and she would literally I guess they're homing pigeons on royds though, like you would send them out and they'd have to go and do a job, and then they'd have to come back, and it was a race and.
It was hectic. I thought it was the coolest thing. But they all laid eggs.
Like that, so I didn't know if that was an actual nest or if that was just an a racing pigeon avery nest.
It's because the pigeons are so fast to get the job done away, just go and do it. It's so good. It's so enjoyable to sometimes get down like a hole in the Internet and you're like, oh, here we are here, we are looking at pictures of pigeon eggs, and it was really satisfying.
I'm just wondering how many listeners we just lost that A New Too Life hung k home.
I think if anything, if anything, people are going to be like wow, I didn't know that, and I'm glad I do.
There you go, that'll be the thing that you'll bring to the party on Saturday night. Now I don't think No, I don't think it will be. But I may or may not.
Google it tonight when I'm on the lounge and I'm relaxed, I might go down the rabbit hole.
Yeah, we're gonna put photos on our social media. So if you can't be bothered, just go and have.
A look there.
What actually brought you to the point where you wanted to know what pigeons nests?
Looked?
Like?
Things have been tough in laugh lately. But no, honestly, I don't know what happened. I read somewe that pigeons were particularly bad at making nests. I read that and I was like, well, I wonder how bad? And then I found myself googling it and fuck it. It was a really enjoyable little ride there. Okay, can I say one more thing? Woke up with a saw back this morning? Okay, guess what, nothing happened. Just went to sleep last night, just went to bed, fell asleep, woke up with a.
Saw Back's age. It's fucked, is what it is. It's proper age.
You know, this is actually why I think I love long distance so much, because I don't have to share my bed with anyone, and I don't have to do the extracurricular activity all the time. If I have been hectically on a sex binge, it really ruined.
I feel like it's a workout. It ruins my body.
My neck's out, my back's out, Like my body is absolutely ruined, and I think it's an age there.
I would like to confirm that that's not the problem with me. I've not been on one of those binges, you know. I just went to bed at eleven pm last night, slept for like a solid six and a half hours, and then woke up this morning and my back is so sore that I.
Can't rotate it to drive the car properly. When is it that you hit.
The age where nothing actually happens. You just went to sleep, that's it. That's all that happened.
Yeah, I reckon thirty five. I think that's when it starts happening. Thirty five is young.
Well that's when I noticed. I only noticed in the last year because I'm thirty six.
Anyway, I'm glad that I've caught you guys all up on the big things that have been happening in my life.
Thanks so much.
Okay, Well, something I did want to talk about was a new dating quote unquote scam that is apparently sweeping the nation, the world. Apparently it's a dating scam phenomenon, as a girl would recall it.
Now.
I don't know if this is accurate, but there's a girl on TikTok that has said she has discovered a whole new world of.
Scamming that we didn't even know existed. Have a listen.
So woman is ass on a date and she gets stood up, but that's pretty common, but the plant twist is insane.
Met this guy on a dating app and he immediately asked me out on a date to a specific restaurant he confirmed day of. I get to the restaurant and see that he's nowhere to be found, so.
I reach out.
No response.
I checked the app and noticed that he unmatched me.
At that point, I was a little confused, and I was kind of pissed because I was already dressed and I got all the way there, and because I had put in so much effort, I thought I might as well just have a meal while I am in the building, and it wasn't until I got home when I was scrolling Facebook and I saw a very similar story from a girl at that same restaurant who also got stood up.
She found out that there are restaurants now posing as people on dating apps just so you go to their business and once you get stood up, they know that probably nine times out of day, and that you're going to buy something from them.
And that just blew my mind.
It's the background music for me, the violin, No, it's the violin, and then also an ambulance going past at the same time. It couldn't have sounded more dramatic. I
do not think that this is happening. I do not like for me, this kind of screams of someone who was set up in a restaurant, like as in, they got there, the guy didn't show up, they got stood up, and then they're trying to reach for reasons as to why they were stood up because they don't want to deal with the actual could hard factor that they were just stood up?
Yes, that could be an option. It's like making sense of your trauma. But this could be a thing if it's tough times. It is pretty clever I'm not saying it's right, but I don't know. I think you need to have more than two people say that this has happened to say that it's a phenomenon that all restaurants are doing on dating apps, because I tried to do some googling and there's nothing that really seems legitimate. But there's a lot of people that are like, yeah, it's
a new thing. It's a thing. There's bots.
The restaurants are partnering with bots, and they're making people come to the restaurant and then they're canceling.
Then you eat there. I don't think that this is sweeping the world right now, but it could make sense. People have done weirder things.
I mean, when we talked about gorilla marketing on Tuesday's episode, this would be taking it to a whole new level, wouldn't it. I mean, partly, I feel like there could be a restaurant who could do this and maybe it would result in them getting meals and people, you know, are spending their money in their venue. But overarchingly, I feel like this is a lot of effort that a restaurant would have.
To go to in order to get more sales.
I think that there are probably be more wholesome tactics that they could go about rather than trying to engage bots, rather than having your restaurant associated with something that's so negative. Once again, don't think that it's a very good tactic from a brand alignment.
Well, it depends, right, depends how quickly you're getting because I think of like my dating years, depends how quickly you're getting to the point of wanting to meet up. But there are people that I ended up getting to that point where you don't want to talk any more on the dating app because you're so sick of it, So you don't want to waste a week of your time talking to someone that when you might meet up
with them, you realize there's nothing there. So there are for sure people that would talk for like fifteen minutes literally a few texts, vibe and be like, you know what, let's like cut the small talk, let's meet up you freeze to night. Like there are people, So I think if this fresh dreing is having to dedicate like two weeks at a time for one person to get them in for one schnitty, like we need to talk about background work'sim the amount you paid your staff to get
on the app and do it. But if you were just hiring, I don't know what it costs fifty bucks to hire a bunch of bots.
What does a bot cost? I don't even think.
You don't hire a bots, you don't pay them per hour. A bots is like an app or something if you are going to use bots. For example, people use bots to get more followers. That's a very common one where that a lot of people used to use. So basically you would subscribe to a website, you type in your details and everything, and you could buy X amount of followers, right, It's what loads of old influencers would do. But those followers are fake accounts. They're created by individuals usually and
this is quite shitty. It's usually people who are in poorer countries where there's not as many work opportunities, and they have one person, two people, hundreds of people whatever it is, who have multiple accounts, and that's their job to just go on there, set them up and to have these conversations. Whereas like and now, I would say, with like the advancements of AI and everything, that it
would be easier. Also, I would say that the communication would be more streamlined because of the way in which you can use AI.
It's actually probably not that far fetched.
You know, remember not long ago, we're talking about Ashley Madison and they use bots on their dating site exactly. So it's actually, you know, that just popped into my mind. Then it's probably not that far fetched that there are places that are doing that.
So if you don't know what Ashley Madison was, Ashley Madison was the affairs website, and so they had some of the most insane subscribers. All of these people like men and women who had subscribed to Ashley Madison, which is you know, quote unquote people who wanting to have affairs. But it turned out there's a great I think it's Netflix.
There's a great doco on it where and we unpacked it on episode ages ago, but where so many of the profiles that were actually on this website weren't real people, but the account, like the actual dating account, say, like it was kind of like a Tinder or a Bumble. They had to appear like they had so many users, so so many of those users were fake accounts. Yeah, look, I mean, is it possible, yes, is it probable?
No?
I think that that's probably two things. But also, did this girl just get stood up?
Highly likely, very very likely.
Have you ever been completely stood up on a day like had a total no show?
I have not ever had a total no show, but I've had.
No I actually haven't.
I've never people with mixed up times where I've sat there.
For a long time. Did you give them another chance? I just waited for them.
Yeah, I don't think I would be doing I wouldn't now, you know, it's in the early days.
It's when you, I feel like, when you have no boundaries or self respect. It was in those days you let people walk all over and you're like, that's okay, that's okay. Nowhries, I'll wait by the hours. Yeah, you're like, I can reschedule, it's fine, even though I've been.
Here in my hair's done. I've never had a no show. I mean, obviously it's going back so long. I've never had a complete no show. But I've had people canceled so last minute that they might as well have been a no show. Like I've had people I'm dressed up, I'm fucking like in the car about to go, and then received a message off, sorry I can't make it tonight. I've received that version, which I think is almost as bad as a no show, that.
It's almost worse, because certainly not worse. Well, people don't.
Know how much time it takes to get ready for a date, the maker, the hair, the picking, the outfit. Girls put a fake ten or they do their brows like it's a whole event.
So then to be walking out the door.
I remember putting my lipstick on once, grabbing my bag out the door, and then I got the message and I was like.
You're fucked.
You can't cancel like five minutes before you're supposed to meet.
Okay, I definitely don't think it's worse because if you've had a no show at a restaurant, then you've already done all those steps, plus you got to the restaurant, plus you sat down.
So if at least you utilized your face like someone saw.
It, somewhat saw it, someone saw your fit.
But what would you do in that instance? Would you then write to them and say, like that's really uncool? Would you try and plan another one? Is that like one and done? Like?
How would you respond in that instance?
I would always give them a benefit of the doubt in terms of let them explain, because there could be a very good reason, right, I'm not going to write an abusive message.
I'm gonna be like, hey, like I'm here and you're not. What's happening. See what their response?
And if I don't think it's valid, No, there's no fucking way I'm giving them another chance.
Absolutely not.
But if they were like I am so absolutely sorry, I was running and my phone fell down a drain and then I tripped over a kitten and had to take to the vet or whatever, then yeah, sure I'm gonna give that person a second chance. But like people that are canceling five minutes before or just not showing up, there's not a lot of excuses that cover that.
I don't think.
Because love that you just said you're going to give the guy who says you tripped over a kitten and had to take to a vet another chance?
That is about It says a lot about a character. If he's looking after those animals, that's what I want. How's that one treats an animals says a lot about them?
Okay, I feel like maybe you're giving people a chance. This actually, to me is a real revelation on your dating history.
Well, let's not even touch on yours. Let's get into some vibes, alright.
I have a vibe this week which I promise after this week I will stop bringing colts.
I will stop. I will stop with the colts. All both of us do is hectic, true crime colt stuff.
Well, okay, now that like work is kind of We're getting to the end of the year and work is like scaling down a little bit. I am catching up on all the Netflix and like PayTV shit that I've not been able to watch all year. And my favorite thing to watch is crazy cult documentaries.
I don't know why. I just find it so interesting.
I find it so fascinating that someone can be sucked into a world from coercive control or through manipulation, and they can subscribe so deeply and fundamentally to a cult. Like I just find it fascinating from a psychological perspective. But this is It's on Netflix. It came out a couple of months ago, but I think it's only just getting traction now. It's called Keep Sweet, Pray and Obey. It's a couple of episodes. I think there's four episodes
in total. I watch them over two nights. Sounds like the antidote to eat, pray, love, keep sweet, pray, and obey. Okay, So this is all about like the rise of Warren Jeffs. So Warren Jeff's was the profit of a fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ and Later day Saints, which is like a Mormon fundamentalist group in the States. The reason why that they broke away from the main religion of being Mormons is because they believe in polygamy, and lygamy was
outlawed within the Mormon community. It's also against the law in the United States. But this is a sect of being Mormon who still very much believe in polygamy. They also, because of their polygamous views, which are illegal, they live in a very closed community to hide that from the rest of the world. And they I can't remember the word that they used, but they have a word to
describe anyone who is not from their community. And the way in which they raise their children so like people like us, they raise them to almost think that they are alien, that they are going to hell. They are so sinful. You know, if you come across one, don't speak to them, don't interact with them. So they keep their community incredibly closed now this guy who is now serving a whole lot of time in jail, like life sentences in jail. It goes into the treatment of the
children and of the women within this Mormon cult. And I call it a cult even though it still exists now, I call it a cult because of well you just watch it. I don't want to give it all away, but it's really, really fucking fascinating.
I have questions, like, roughly how many people, because when you have a community like that where that cannot go into the outside world, you get incest.
Yes, and that's not touched on in the documentary, But I went down another rabbit hole when there was pigeon ness, and also when you.
Ran out of the pigeons.
After I left the pigeon ness, I started googling this community, this religious community. They have high incidences of chromosomal abnormalities. However, that is not discussed in the doco, and there's no telltale signs of that, Like you're not thinking like, oh,
this is really weird. You kind of just think that there's so many women who have been brought up in this community that are so oppressed, and they've used religion as a way of creating such deep rooted fear in them that if they don't obey that, if they're you know, quote unquote keep sweet, that they're gonna die in internal hell.
But the thing that was so inspiring and incredible about this is that the whole doco is based around the women who broke free of this community and who brought him to justice.
And there's one woman. Her name is Alyssa Wall. She's the main person who the docco is built around, and I've tried to contact her. I'm desperate to get her onto the podcast because her story is incredibly fascinating. She's not someone who uses social media much by the looks of things, so fingers crossed for me. But she is just so incredibly resilient and her story is something that I think, like, if you watch it, you think, how does anyone survive through that and still be the positive,
resilient type of person that she is. So go watch it on Netflix. It's only four episodes. You can watch it over two nights. It's a really well paced doco.
Sometimes I think they're a bit too slow moving, and this is like, it's interesting from the get go.
I'm going to go something a little bit lighter My vibe for the week is a towel.
Now bear with me. It's not just any towel. It's a dog towel. Now keep bearing with me. Every time I have posted this towel, hundreds of people are like, where is that from? I need one for my dog.
Now. It is coming into summer. This sounds like an ad. It is not.
It's coming too summer, and there's nothing more annoying for dogger. You'll know for when you've been at the beach or you've given your dog a bath and they're still but you don't want to blow dry them.
There's this towel by the brand Dogs.
Yeah.
So the brand is called Dog by doctor Lisa, who's the vet, right, she's a vet on TV and she's got a dog brand anyway. But it's like a poncho, so it goes you buy the size feet dog, and it goes around their body and around their neck, and it's got little clip up buttons, but it's still a towel material and it still lets them move around and run, but they're not soaking wet everywhere, and it slowly dries
up the water. So it's good in summer when they're wet it's good in winter when they're cold and wet, so it's still a towel and they can sleep in it. Delilah will sleeping hers for a while after she's had a big day of the beach, and it's just so good because all the wet shit doesn't go all around the house either.
This reminds me of an identical towel that you use on children, the ponto toils, where it's got the little hood and little arms that.
Stick out the sides.
I wish they made more ponto towels for adults. I know they do, but they're really expensive. They're also really ugly.
It doesn't land right now. It looks ridiculous. A lot of divers have them.
I would totally walk back from the beach in a pontree.
A lot of surf. You would, Kisha.
You also set me a photo of yourself and your speedros and your goggles the other day, and I was like that girl, she knows what's cool.
Budgugglers. It looks great anyway, That is it. It's it's super versatile. It's great. You're gonna love it. Okay, well I can I speak to in it?
Okay?
Both I'm bringing up both of these because I spoke about both of them in the Facebook group. If you aren't a part of the discussion group, it is called
lifehun Cut Discussion Group. Great recommendations go on there. So one I know I'm becoming the girl who talks about boobs a little bit too much, but I'm a natural ten f And once I was questioned why I say that, and I say that because when you have big boobs, if you have boobs that are implants or perhaps fat transfer or whatever, they can be big, but they don't require as much support as what a natural boob does.
So the reason he say, oh, you're not boob shaming, You're not like I'm a natural.
No, it's absolutely no hate whatsoever to anything that anyone has ever done to their own boobs.
More gravity is involved when it's all natural.
Honestly, sometimes I swear to God, mine could be.
In the next suburb.
Like like you wake up and they're just like still on the bed, but you're laying on your back. I know that was me during pregnancy. Wanted was just still. It was like on the mattress and I was on my back, and I was like, what's going on here? Like it had melted off my body.
Yeah, you gotta like scoop them up from your armpits. So there is one sports bra that I have worn. Oh it must be four or five years now. I am utterly obsessed with it. It's the Lorna Jane one. It's called the one sports Bruh. It's maximum supports sports bru So this sports bruh. The reason that I think it is so incredible is that my entire life I used to have to wear two to do high impact things.
Since I discovered this sports bruy, it is the only thing I wear for like running, touch footy, jumping, like high aerobic stuff, and I only have to wear one. It's got to zip up the middle, and it's got these like it's got normal straps that you can adjust, but at the back it's got a clip that you can clip it together. And when I first went into the store to try this on, it was so many years ago, but the woman at the store said to me, she was like, take in an extra small because you
have a small back. And I literally laughed at her. I was like, babe, I haven't made an extra small in a top. Literally when I was nine years old, like this is a joke. Anyway, she was completely right. I needed it to be a small enough size that it really compressed me in. So if you are looking for a new sports bra, get whatever size fits your back, not the actual cup, because there's enough material that really holds you in.
I'm just obsessed with it. I have like four of them.
If they are going to discontinue this product, I need like six months notice so I can stop, because it is the only.
One that I ever want to use.
The other recommendation I have and I understand that this is a little bit biased, but again, it was brought up in the Facebook group by someone else. It was an episode of Two Doting Dads, which is your husband Matt's podcast.
I also edit this podcast.
It is with Ashwicks, who you might know on Instagram or TikTok as Jam Pikelets.
It was a bonus episode that the boys did two weeks ago.
It was released on November thirteen, and it was all about Ash's journey with mental health. It is called Depression and Anxiety, Breaking the Stigma, and I think that we have so many conversations about mental health in the public space now, but what I specifically loved about this is Firstly, Ash is so real and he's very matter of fact about it.
His journey with depression.
He became aware of it once they had had their first child, And in this episode he talks a lot about postpartum depression for both women and for men after entering a baby into the family unit. He speaks a lot about what the first steps.
Are for going and getting help.
And I think that that's particularly interesting because I know for a lot of men, statistically we have and this I mean a bit of a trigger warning, we have seven men in Australia and two women a day take their lives. And I think a large part of the conversation is that these people don't feel comfortable having those initial chats to go and seek help. They don't really know what the process is of do I go to a GP, how do I find a psychologist?
Like?
How do I do anything that is hopefully going to help us?
Also, I think the big thing as well is like, as women, and we've been conditioned to talk about our feelings way more like we are. You know, we're so much more inclined to talk to our friends if we are sad or unhappy or something is not good in our life, whereas like as a guy, a lot of men don't have the capacity, capability or emotional EQ. I know that's changing, but like you know, that's a bit
of a blanket statement. But to have those conversations. The other thing and just something you said, Keysh is like this idea of postpartum depression.
I think it's very different.
Like women who have postpartum depression, it can often be hormone related rather than it being a reaction to what's happening in your world.
But one thing that.
Ash touched on is I loved the episode as well when I was there when they were recording it because they're in my house. But Ash talked about how the focus is one hundred percent on the birth mother's health and mental health at that time, as it should be, but it also then adds to the guilt that you feel if your mental health is not matching up as
a dad. And it's just looking at it from a different perspective, which I think is so important because you know, you can't disregard one person's lived experience, the male lived experience within becoming a parent, because all that does is minimize it and once again make them feel like they're not supposed to have these big feelings.
Yeah, I also think what.
You just touched on with the whole like, women have a little bit more vocabulary around this. I think that we openly talk about our feelings more. I think for a lot of men, they don't know what depression is, like they don't recognize the feelings. And Ash spoke about how he was genuinely like, I don't know what the fuck this is, but I have no joy in my life, like the lights have.
Gone off, and he didn't even know what it was.
So the reason I would love to recommend this episode is because I think not only is it really great for anyone who is thinking that they might have a bit of a mental health issue and they want to know those first steps to take, but I also think this is really powerful for someone who might have a dad, a brother, a partner, a friend who is really struggling with their mental health and you might find the tools
to have the conversation with them. Really highly recommend it, and the people in a Facebook group did too, So as for all.
Of our recommendations, we will link them in the show notes. All right, let's get into the questions. All right.
Question number one. My friend and I are moving out together into a rental and I've asked my boyfriend who wants to move in with us. However, he said that he is happy living at home with his family. He's not working full time like me and my friend are, and so he wants to keep the arrangement as it currently is. My question is this, when should you make your partner pay rent or put money towards things within your home? Because I know he is bound to come
and stay multiple nights a week. I know once I move out and I'm living with my girlfriend, I won't be staying at his parents' house anymore. He will always be staying.
At my house.
How do I set these boundaries? Do I need to set them earlier? Or is it something that you can come to an agreement on.
I think so relatable.
Do you know what, though, I think that this is even more important, not just for you to set those boundaries, it's actually really important for your housemate. I mean, I know that there's this expectation that if you're single and you're living with someone, then you have to have an allowance for their partner if they get into a relationship, for their partner to come and see at your house, right, Like,
you just have to be cool with it. But if you can't go and stay at their house and he is always playing the away game at your house, that I think I would be as the house may I would be annoyed because to me, I'd be like, well, there's three people living here.
Especially because she's agreed to move in with you, one person a friend not a friend, and her boyfriend.
So one hundred percent you have to consider the house made in this.
But this is a really tricky one in terms of it depends on how much they're staying. And I'm sort of smirking in my you could see me right now. I'm smirking because I've been through this situation so many times and it can get awkward. But I think if you've been together long enough and you're spending every night together, it shouldn't be awkward. I don't think you have to set this boundary before you move in. I don't think that'll go well. I don't think it'll go well. It's
like if you're hey, just heads up in advance. If you think you're coming to my house to stay, you're gonna have to pay rent. You had the choice of move and nan you chose no. I don't think it goes like that. See what it's like, See what the percentage is like. If is he there one or two nights a week, then you're not going to say, like, give me two days.
But maybe he can be doing other things. Maybe he's bringing dinner over, maybe he's ordering the Uber eats, whatever it is.
But I have been in this situation when I started dating Jordan. For anyone that's knew that was my partner a few years ago.
But when I said the one whose name we never say but for the reason that the rules just changed, my insides are like me too. There's nothing bad it happened.
We don't not say he's not Voltemore, but we just you know, you know, it's just like an X, you just don't say the name.
But who should not be named?
My ex he's great, can't fault him. But when we met, we were that really hard and fast love. So we met and then we basically didn't spend time apart for like two to three months before he was traveling so every day, and he didn't really have a home in Australia because he doesn't live here. So he'd stayed his parents, so he stayed in my house, but he probably two nights. He didn't stay there in months, and I was obsessed. We were obseest, so it was fine, but then he
was living. He was a flatmate for a quarter of a year. So at the end and I didn't expect this, but at the end, he gave me a bunch of cash and he was like, look, this is my rent. Because I realized I didn't think about it at the time, but I have been in your house when you're not there, when you're there, like, so here's some money to compensate. And I didn't take it, but I appreciated it that he offered. I appreciated that he realized that he was a second person and I was paying for everything.
I'm paying the bills, I'm paying the rent, which is fine.
Yeah, but I think you have too much high expectation of this guy. If he's saying he wants to stay at home because he doesn't want to pay the money because he's not you know, he's not making enough money, blah blah blah, he wants to stay living at home. He doesn't to me sound like the type of person who's going to voluntarily offer to pay more money. Like that to me goes, okay, you're going to be in a situation here. I think it's good that you're thinking
about it. But I agree with you, Britt, because this could be if you bring it up with him. Now, if you're like, well, fine, you didn't want to move in with me, So if you stay at my house four nights a week or five nights a week or whatever, that's going to look like you have to pay a percentage of the nights that you stay.
It almost looks a bit tip for tat it's like transactional. Well no, yeah, not even that.
It looks like, well, you didn't want to move in with me, and I wanted to live with you, So I'm going to punish you because you're living with me. You know, you're still coming and spending that time at my house. The big problem here is that you don't want to go necessarily and stay at his parents' house.
But I think the question is is will he be like, you can still come stay here, You can come stay here two nights a week, and I'll come and stay at your house x amount of nights a week if the load is even if he's saying, there's no reason why you can't come stay at my house, and it's that you don't want to go anymore, and so therefore he has to come to your house. And I understand why you don't want to go. Who the fuck wants to go and hang out at their boy laws when
you have your own house, So I totally understand. But if the option is there and it's you were the one who's saying you don't want to go, then I think that you can't expect him to pay. Whereas like if he's saying, oh, I don't want you to come and stay at my parents' house, I will come and stay at your house because it's just a bit of vibe for everyone, then I think that that's where you know,
you might expect him to pay some money. But I do think you know, when you said, Britt, maybe he can pay for Uber eats, Maybe he can pay and contribute. If he's going to do those things, he has to contribute to your housemate as well. When it's like, if he's gonna buy Uber eats, that's not paying for your dinners, that's paying for your housemate's dinner because you're sharing your personal space, but unfortunately so is she, and she's sharing
her house that's supposed to be for two people. She is now the lesser in that equation, and that can be so annoying. Like if you are two people living in a house, one person has a boyfriend, the other person doesn't. Instantly you are the minority. Instantly you're the one who's like paying more for him to use the water, use the electricity, use the internet, all that stuff.
It's not even that it's the sharing physically of the space. It's like when a because I've also been in that situation when a couple is in your house and person and they're cuddling on the lounge watching TV and they're like, hey, of course you can come watch with us. You don't want to, You're like, why do I want to sit on the edge of the couch where you've probably jizzed all over and while you guys are up the other
end smooching and talking and giggling. It just doesn't or sometimes it's fine, right, but like that other flatmate, the single person and is the one that really suffers.
Totally, and it's the one who feels triangulated. And the reason why I say this The reason why I say it's so important to be aware that if he is contributing, that that contribution doesn't just come off your half. That contribution comes off your housemates half as well, so that the three of you are making a contribution together is because I used to live with a couple and I'm like, like, they were great.
We're in our twenties. I love living with them.
They were great people, but they would always do things as though they were a couple in terms of their financial contribution. But they would contribute as though they were one person and I was one person. And I'm like, no, guys, you guys contributing and being like, oh, I bought the milk this week, so you buy the milk. It's like no, no, no, you buy the milk. Then he buys the milk. Then I buy the milk, because like, I'm not paying for the two of you to consume twice the amount of
meat in every single aspect. So I think once you've lived it, you become so much more aware of how, unfortunately, how selfish some couples can be when they're living with one person, because they're just sometimes not aware of how much extra fifty percent extra the two people consume, but in terms.
Of actually help one hundred percent extra, not fifty percent extra actually helping you, because I don't think we're telling you anything. You don't know.
The actual conversation is the hard part where it can be awkward. I think we have to do see how
it goes, see how much he's coming over again. Maybe you do need to bite the bullet and stay with his family every now and again so that your flatmate does have some space, but the conversation needs to go see how it's going, and then if he is there all the time, you need to straight upstate to him, hey, maybe we do need to talk about moving in together, because we basically live together anyway, and you can openly
bring up the flat mate. You don't put it on them, but you're like, you know, there's some I feel guilty. There's someone else in this space. So we either need to come up with a way where like we're all contributing equally, or maybe you and I do have to move out, Like once you float it like that instead of sitting down saying you're like, yo, you need to pay,
it's just different. I feel like, hey, I feel like you know, I don't want to start any issues in the house, but like, this is her space and that we're encroaching in totally. What do you reckon we can do here? I guess we could either move in together, or maybe you could contribute a bit to make things a bit even. And then if he's like he might not have even thought about it, he'd be like, oh, well, I'm not ready to move in, so maybe i'll I'll contribute in other ways.
And if he doesn't, if he flat out refuses to contribute or says, oh, I'll come around less or whatever, then that's a whole other thing that you have to deal with. That's like a reflection of his I mean, his maturity, his commitment to the relationship, like his sense of entitlement. There's so many other things to unpack there, so hopefully you don't get to that hurdle.
Okay, Question number two, how important is it to talk through your issues after having a disagreement with your partner.
My partner and I tend to have issues.
We get cross with each other for a couple of days, and then we just go back to normal like nothing ever happened. Part of me thinks this is okay, and we can't always be hunky dory. But then there is another part of me that thinks there needs to be a resolution and understanding when there's an issue. I grew up in a household that was not good at resolving conflict, so I'm learning on the go now, thoughts.
I find this so interesting because there's absolutely two types of people, right There's one, Yeah, there's one type of people who like have the conversation, just get it all out, and then they make up quickly and then they move on from it. Then there's other people who when there's conflict, they just don't say anything. They just internally get over it, quote unquote, and then they just pretend like everything's fine.
Usually it takes longer to get over it because you've not had any sort of resolution, you've not had any apology.
I know people in my life.
Who are that version, and I with Matt and the other like Matt and I, if we're annoyed at each other, we can't go to sleep unless we've made up, like unless we've had a resolution to it. So we're always like throw it on the table, even if that means that things escalate more, they escalate and then they de escalate quickly because we get to make up before we go to bed. But I guess my big thing is is that no way of dealing with conflict is necessarily right or wrong in such a black and white way.
But what ignoring conflict and just kind of getting over it in your own internally and then never talking about and then being going back to fine. For me, my understanding of it is that that can build resentment, and sometimes it is not fine, and you feel like there's a lack of understanding with your partner, you've felt something, you've been hurt by something, and then there has been no reparation to try and meet in the middle, or to try and see each other's views and to get closer.
So I think the thing that you're missing with this type of conflict resolution is you're robbing yourselves of the ability to have a deeper connection through conflict, which I think some people can achieve.
You have a fight, you make up, you talk.
About it, and it's within that talking about it that you actually can connect on a deeper level.
I agree.
I feel like you always need a resolution of sorts, but the way people get there is very different, and that's why we've done episodes on conflict styles before, because there are conflict styles and people deal with it in different ways. Some people can't sit there and talk about it straight away totally. People need to walk away, have a breather, have a think, because they react differently once they do. Like, there are so many different ways that
people react in any given situation. So the resolution I think for any conflict is imperative. It's just in what way it suits you. I also don't go.
To bed angry. There's also a difference.
What I want to say is and I don't know if I know how to word this properly, but there is a difference with you, So you don't you don't talk to your partner for days on end. Right, you can still be upset at something someone has done and someone has said, and you can still let them know that, but still be respectful and loving it the same way. So I feel like, if you guys have an argument or an issue and they've said something hurtful, you can still say to them, Okay, good night, I love you.
Let's talk about this tomorrow, because you still do love them. Right, It's just that they're upset. You can see, I'm really upset by what you said. You know, I love you. Let's talk about it tomorrow because I don't want to deal with it right now. Like you can still be respectful in a situation and still let your partner know that something isn't quite right yet and you need to work on something.
I think that's really important.
I don't love conflict at all, but I don't sit in it, and I don't get angry at someone and not talk for days on end.
I will do exactly what I've just said.
Then, if I'm really upset by something, I don't let it interfere with the relationship as such. I'll be like, I just can't really talk to you at the moment because I'm upset by what you said, but like you know, I love you.
I'll call you in the morning or whatever it is.
And I think that's really important to never ever go to bed angry, because it doesn't do anything for you either.
It festers.
You go to bed and you think about it the entire night. They think about it the entire night. It elongates the fight.
Well, I mean, this is what I mean by it breeds resentment. The problem is is that if you never ever ever talk about your conflict in any way, if you just completely stay silent and then you have to internally get over it, it creates such a void in a relationship over a long period of time, where you feel like your partner doesn't know you, or you feel like your partner doesn't respect you, or you feel like you have this lack of connection. Think it comes down
to being conflict avoidant. If you're someone who's conflict avoidant, you're so fearful about like things escalating or how it's going to be interpreted, or maybe your partner is not good at conflict and they I'm not gonna say temper because that's a whole other thing, but their reaction to it is not something that seems fair, so it's easier to just ignore it. But I do think that there has to be a happy middle ground between how you deal with this, because not every single conflict can be
dealt with by not dealing with it. And I think that you pick your battles. You don't have to talk about every single thing, but the things that are really important, the things that you need to see.
Eye to eye on.
You have to have the courage to say, you know, this hurt me, and this is why I feel like this because it's the validation of.
Having your partner understand you that's really powerful. It's not even the validation.
The question is doesn't need to be understanding when there are issues, absolutely, because if there's not and you just you're like, I'll get over it in a couple of days, it's going to be a reoccurring issue because you haven't let them know it's an issue and you haven't told them why it's bothering you. If somebody doesn't know what they've done, why it hurts you, it's going to be something that continues to come up in the relationships, so you need to make sure they do understand.
I think there's a very big difference though, and I think it would be remiss of us not to touch on it. There's a very big difference between understanding and agreeing. You don't have to agree with the reasons, but you do have to accept that someone feels the way they feel it may not be valid. And I really also think it's sometimes important to touch on the fact that, like,
not all feelings are valids. You could be angry about something, but in retrospect, like unpack what happened and your feeling of anger or frustration or whatever it was, was not a necessarily reasonable reaction to what happened with the beauty of hindsight, right, But like sometimes in the moment where like, well, this is the way I feel, and people often use.
That as I respect my feeling. Yeah, well people often.
Use that as a tool now in arguments like well this is how I feel, and it's like, great, I understand you feel like that, but I'm not necessarily responsible for all of your feelings that you feel like that. That's a horrible thing to say to someone in the moment when they are feeling like it. But I think that sometimes we have to be self aware enough. I guess my big take home from this is like there
has to be a healthy middle ground. You can't ignore every conflict that happens in your life, and you can't go to war on every single thing either. But it all comes back to the number one thing ding ding ding that we talk about constantly is communication. How do you communicate with your partner? Why are you not able to have conversations with him when there is conflict? Why do you avoid it so fundamentally?
Is that a you issue? Is that a him issue?
Get to the bottom of that and it might help you to better understand how you can navigate conflict with your partner.
Okay. Question number three is a bit of a random one.
I just had a convo with a guy that I was sort of seeing last year. He slid back into my DMS after ghosting me and said he thought about this ghosting moment a few times and he just wanted to apologize for being and dick. I accepted the apology and we kept chatting that day.
We chatted for about a week. Then last night, I said, so silly.
Last night I sent him a mem of a cat because he has a cat. Now, the cat is very important in this story. We started chatting got onto the topic of dating and so on. I asked if he thought things would be different or the same if we dated now, because he recognized he wasn't ready and he was still hung up on his ex before anyway. He said, m things would probably be the same and we aren't
compatible for serious dating. I pushed back and asked why he felt that we weren't compatible, and he said, in an awkward voice, it's because of her dog.
I mean, I just think this is an excuse.
So okay, he has an issue that she has a dog and he has a cat, and so he thinks that that makes them fundamentally not compatible.
Well, because she said her dog is a small, non barkie toy poodle which is hypoellergenic. It's sleep trained, it's create trained, he has his own room, he's got grandparents.
That baby.
I just need I have to stop, Like, honestly, can I just say this is one of those situations where the book the movie is screaming at me.
He's just not that into you.
That's what this is. This is an excuse. He had an excuse before, he's got an excuse again. Before it was the ex girlfriend. Now it's the cat. And I know that that's harsh.
I know that shit.
But if you're having to ask someone like can you see yourself dating me?
What do you think?
Like?
Shall we do it?
No?
You don't say, but why like or you can us white it's after a week.
It's okay to ask for closure.
It's all okay to say, well, what are the reasons why you don't think we're it compatible? If that's okay, that's fine. Garnering information can be a great thing. But if they give you that information and you don't agree with it. It's irrelevant because the thing is is like, you don't want to be dating someone where you had to convince them to date you, especially if they're coming up with reasons that are as insignificant and stupid as the fact that they have a cat and you have
a dog. It's not that it's insignificant, it it's not.
It could be debilitating in a relationship if one has a tiny little kiden and one has a super aggressive dog. There's not a llowed outside of the house like of course, but in this situation it comes back to the very simple if you wanted to he would for the right person, he would probably date someone with a Tyrannosaurus Rex as a pet.
Like there is a deeper issue here, and that is exactly that. It just doesn't sound like he is that into you unfortunately, which sucks.
But also like, don't invest any more time, invest any more time in someone who has said that they're not into you enough twice now, because that's what he's done. He said it once and now he said it again. And I know that you obviously have big, strong feelings for him, but sometimes we can we can create I don't want to say create the relationship, but we can
create the potential in our head. You have seen this guy, you think that the two of you have so much potential, which maybe you would if he would give it a chance. But he is not seeing the potential that you're seeing. And potential is only that right, It is not a relationship. It's not even indicative of a good relationship. You could start dating this guy and he could be an absolute flog. So I think, like, don't waste any more mental energy on it. The only other thing I want to say
is you bring up a very good point. I said, this is stupid and this is just an excuse, but I think it's more interesting to unpack the very real situation of having something in your life, I e. A cat, because like I used to have a cat and a dog and they were best friends. So cat and dogs
don't instantly mean that they're not compatible. But if you have a cat that is like severely adverse to do like neurotic around dogs, or you have a dog that is completely neurotic around cats and wants to rip them apart, And then you meet someone who you really really vibe with and you like and you've started dating but you're in a situation where you have two pets or two animals that cannot coexist together.
What do you do?
There's an expectation that one person's going to get rid of their animal. I would love to know how people navigate that situation.
This is the thing, right when you're in.
The early days, and I mean this was I think you said you spoke for a week.
But let's not even use this example. Let's use any example.
You've met someone for a week, you've chatted online, you've gone on two dates.
There are so many aspects.
Of their life that do need to match up with you to date, political views, family views, morals. Do you want the same thing? Are you at the same point in life? And also it sounds silly, but it's not. But their lifestyle, their lifestyle includes animals. If you are severely allergic to an animal and they have two cats and a dog, then it's not going to be a match for you because you physically aren't going.
To be able to get through the relationship.
Right.
It's not like the love of your life and you've been dating them for six months and then they inherit a cat from their somebody. This is one week in and it is I think can be a reason to not want to continue to date someone You've known them for a week and you've gone two days. If I was dating someone they had a really aggressive dog. Every time they got with my dog, they wanted to tear each other's throats out, I just wouldn't keep dating them. I've known them for a week. You don't keep trying
to kill my dog. It's not gonna work because I'm never giving my dog up.
Yeah, And then the expectation would be like, well, does that mean you have to give your dog up?
And I will never tell that.
To somebody exactly, so I think like people will laugh at this, like but also in this situation, I actually don't think that's the reason.
I think he's probably just not dating to I.
Broke up with a guy who was allergic to animals when I had I had a cat and a dog, and he was severely allergic to animals with hair, and I was like, well, this is just not going to work.
How can they be seen him for maybe a month.
He came over to my house a couple of times, and every time he just did not stop fucking complaining.
And I get it. He was sick.
Of course, he was complaining the poor guy had allergies, couldn't bring That's what I mean, the life lives. But I was like, we can't like their lives.
Not changes his life one hundred percent.
And I was like, I could only go and stay at his house, which was then a total inconvenience to me because I had to try and organize pet sitters. I liked him so much, but I was like, this can't actually go anywhere because this is such an inconvenient relationship for both of us. Yeah, and I think sometimes you just have to be honest with yourself, but in this instance, this is unfortunately. If you ever have to try and convince someone as to why you are compatible,
especially in those early days. I get it if it's a long term relationship and you're going through struggles and someone's unsure, there's more in an investment. But if you're having to convince someone who you've just started dating all the reasons why you should be dating, just fucking move on.
Don't invest that time there. Totally.
I'd love to actually know, like maybe we could do a little call out out of curiosity. I'd love to know how many of you have had to well, you've had to end a relationship where it hasn't worked because of this kind of a situation, or they've had to do it reverse like this. I'd love just just out of curiosity, because I reckon it's pretty common. Maybe it was poll it produce Keisha add to your notes.
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