Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.
This episode is recorded on Gadigal Land of the Aurora Nation.
Hey guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.
I'm Brittany and I'm Laura.
And this is our Thursday episode, Ask Uncut episode where we answer, well you deep, your dark and your burning questions.
Well, I want to start by giving a little update to something that's very important in my life.
What's happened?
Well, Delilah's got a period, still.
Oldest, don't you It goes lowest, probably the same as a human.
Is this really another update I've got.
She's very hormonal at the moment, so she's sticking to me like glue. Anywhere I go, she goes. She has to be touching me at all times. She wants to be on me. I think she's got to saw tummy. So I did google something and you can get a heat pack for them. So I was like, I am going to give her a heat pack. Heat it up. She sat down on a bed, put it on. It, went away for two minutes, came back and it was ripped to shreds the heat.
Considering the amount of headphones that we've gone through in this office, considering the amount of handbags you've gone through, shoes you've gone does any of that surprise you at all?
But I guess I thought because she was feeling so poorly, I'm sure she was.
Yeah, she will, I know they do.
I googled it anyway, We've just googled it as we're speaking. I can last up to a month period. The dog's period, two to four weeks is what googled.
Do you know what's lasted too long? Us talking about your dog's period? I hate episodes in a row.
Do you know what?
I had to go challenged Laura, you know what, why don't we talk about busters anal glands?
That could be the next good chat for today?
Well we have actually done that. I know about his You had to do anal gland?
No, we are not.
Okay, that's map date. We can move on.
Do you know what we're going to talk about? There was a there was a little segment on the project. Now we're not just talking about the project because I've been on it. This is totally just coincidental. No, this is funny, really coincidental. There was a segment on the project and it was a woman speaking about how she got the ick. She went out on a date with a guy and on the date, the man ordered a glass of milk.
With his dinner. It was a dinner date, so he ordered a glass of milk. This is a woman in the UK and she said she found it odd. She's like, I don't know why. I wish I knew why, but it gave her the ick. She can't work it out. There's something about a grown man sitting down on a romantic date ordering dinner. You've got, you've got your wine, and he orders I didn't even know if a restaurant, how do you even charge for that? I don't even think that's on the menu.
Like imagine sitting there and being like, I'll get the yu steak please, and a glass of milk.
What do you think about this? Oh?
Like it's weird. Which is funny that it's weird because it is just a drink.
Because you do I because we associate having a glass of milk with children. That's why it's a very emasculating drink for him to order it is funny. The thread was funny.
So she actually, this woman actually put it out to the world and she's like, why do I think this is weird?
Is this weird?
Like? Am?
I asked?
Should I date someone that drinks milk? Some of the responses were pretty funny. But maybe he's got digestion problems, you know, maybe he's got an issue. You don't know, But I don't know if that is helping the ick situation that if you think your date has bow problems that are that extreme that he can only order milk at his dinner, do you know what?
Okay, I know that we're making fun of this, but Matt loves a glass of milk. Would he order it on a date? Like would we go out for a lovely dinner to Icebergs and then him order a side of milk? No, but loves a glass of milk. And I find it a bit weird when adults drink a full glass of cold, full cream milk. The whole thing is strange to me. So, I mean I've got some reserve judgment. There is nothing.
There's a few things that make me viscerally ill to look at.
One of them is talking about your dogs period and love that.
One of them is the smell I'm going to give you an insight into my life. One of them is a smell me using your bathroom before. Oh my god, Laura Burnerstrop the biggest bomb.
We do not know to go into that.
You brought it up. I was going to bypass that included Okay, I'm gonna have to tell you now we did it. I don't know how you look so attractive on the outside and your insight is rotting. Something is not right, something is the right. And then you walked in and you were like, I need to ship well.
I said, sorry, I've been holding onto that for four hours.
So then you came back into my room, Wakeisha and I want my bed, and this smell was on you and cave wafted into my room a Keisha and I were like, we need to get out of here. Bought mission.
Do you know what?
This just gives you, guys an insight into how close we are and how much we love each other. That I will reserve going to the toilet in public to do it at Britney's house.
No, if you were real friends, you would do it in the public toils.
So I would like to make it very clear. Your house is also where we work out it. This is my workplace. And that was on you because you wanted it to be here. I did not want this to be our work Okay, let's get back on track.
What I was going to say, Besides your toilet smell, a few of the things in life that make me feel sick and I cannot be around. One of them is the smell of butter in a pan, melting or melting butter. I cannot look at it, I cannot smell it. I can't. You couldn't pay me to taste it.
My children will eat the spoonful of butter like a teaspoon of butter, both of them. Every morning they are obsessed with it. They wake up in the first thing they say is butter.
Oh. I would have to disown my child. I would do that. What do you do when you divorce your kid? You know what's it called?
You know when you divorce your children? Yeah, well, it's when you're terrible co parents. Abandonment, which one is when children divorce their parents it's called emancipation, child emancipation, but usually it's a child that's like, I don't want you to be my parents anymore.
But you know, if you.
Want to emancipate yourself from your children, if they want to eat butter, is that too much?
A little bit extreme, a bit extremety.
Back on track. The smell of melting butter. Cannot do it. I hate that your kids just like gobble it up. I haven't eaten butter my entire life. The other one is the smell of cooking raw mince or meat. So when you put that mince that first once is cooked, it's okay, or it's got some seasoning. But when you put raw mince in like I cooked Alailah's mince in the air fryer, and I have to leave the room,
I'm going to be ill. That's two of them. The third thing is watching someone or drinking myself a glass of milk. I cannot do it. I don't want to taste it. I don't want to look at it. I don't want to hear it. It's thick, it's creamy, it shouldn't be consumed on its own, and I want this is my thing, So for me, this woman. If I went on a date and he ordered a glass of milk. I know that you shouldn't be judgmental. I know that I shouldn't worry about their salmon shirt and their socks
and sandals. But if they ordered a glass of milk, I think that would have to be me tapping out.
Do you know what I've always wondered, who was the first person, like, who was the first person back in the date in caveman days that went, I'm gonna suck from that cow's titty. I canna sack they whatever comes out of that cow's titty, I'm going to drink it. And then over time it's just become so normal that we put it on our breakfast.
You have to think, Actually, if you think about it, Laura, it's not that weird. I don't think someone was walking along saw an animal, saw the udder and thought I'm gonna suck it. They would have seen the baby calfs feeding off it. Okay, that's how they grow, and then they would have been like, Okay, it's famine. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. That little cow's growing exponentially. I'm gonna suck on the.
Ditty Okay, no, because that would make sense if it was just cows. But I'm sure all the cavemen people saw cats sucking on other cats too. There's so many other animals. Why was it just a cow? Why is it okay for us to drink cow milk and not okay to drink dog milk?
Like there are scientific reasons, all right?
Well, anyway, look, we wanted to take this to an even weirder place. We thought we would throw it out to our beautiful life on cut community, you lifers, and find out what is it the weirdest thing that somebody has ordered on a date.
Well, I want to kick start by saying I actually dated someone that did this. I dated them for quite a long time.
And they ordered milk every time.
Milk shakes.
Oh that's fine.
The dinner though not, They didn't. It was it's the same vibe, right, you go to a really nice dinner. I would get the wine, but they would get a milkshake, a chocolate milkshake, strawbery milkshake, always milkshake. They didn't like alcohol, and I was like, why don't you just get like a lemon lm bitters or something. Always a milkshake. No, matter what time of day, no matter what meal, no
matter what level of fancy restaurant. And it eventually got to the point where I was like, I don't don't know about it.
It's funny you say that because the very first one I had from a life I was not that weird. But we went on a coffee date and he ordered a milkshake and it gave me the eck.
Okay, that's what I reckon. That's okay. In the setting you're at a cafe, I reckon it was.
The same guy.
Nah, Okay. I went on a date with this one guy and he ordered klamari, but he also requested for the crumbs to be removed and then for it to be cut into small pieces.
Cut your own calamaria.
It was a first date, and he ordered one cocktail to share with two straws, and then he insisted that we link arms to drink it. I went on a date with a guy and he ordered Bailey's in orange juice and it curdled fun and rain.
That's that is literally saying I want to mix milk and orange juice. That's what that is. That's my fancy. It's not made that up.
He made that up and then I bet you he regretted it and then drank it anyway.
I reckon, you just panic ordered and thought of a thing.
You know.
How the waitress comes and like what can I get you? And you're like, well, I'll have orange juice with Bayley's Like, he just panicked it.
Okay, everything I ordered, he ordered the exact same thing, right down to my allergy requests and everything.
That's a panic order too. It doesn't know, do you know?
Okay, I'm going to interrupt this quickly though. What I do think on a date, how do we feel about sharing? Because I'm like, if I go on a date with a guy, perhaps not gonna happen again, but if I did, if I was to if I go for a dinner date and they don't want to share, it's an instant like whatever I'm getting, you're going to get something else
different and we're gonna share it. If I go on a dinner date and I'm like, I'm going to get the fish and then they're like, oh, I'm also going to get the fish, and I'm like, so we're going to get two fishes and eat our own.
That's dumb. I'm like, this is never gonna work.
That's dumb.
My relationship will never be.
No, if I got a carbon which I always do fishing, carbarina ate chicken, if I get a carbonara and they ordered the same thing, I'd be like, that is the dumbest thing you've done today.
But you just wasted the opportunity for us to eat everything.
And the carbonara is a big like these are big servings. You want to share it around.
Okay, all right, this one here is he asked for no onion in his meal and then said to the waitress in case I get a kiss at the end of the night.
Okay, No, this isn't bad. But it's not bad that he did it. It's bad that he said it. So it's the assumption I knew that I was going on a date recently and we're getting takeaway.
Put the sardines away.
Yeah, I decided not to have the mackerel. No, I made a conscious decision not to get Oh, I just said it was actually I wanted the carbonara. I didn't get it because I was like garlic, and I think that's something you got to think about. You just don't voice it.
It's really nice when you're in a long term relationship because you can eat anything. I can eat so much garlic that my entire body smells proper. Downsayss like garlic, and I'm like, whatever, it doesn't matter.
You do it as like a blockage, like you don't come near me. I had the garlic. What about this one? A long black? He ordered a long black and said, oh, this is going to last me a week, and then took it home with him so that he could then take it to work. A long black. That's just a shot of coffee. How long is his coffee lasting?
You wait?
Like he's just putting like a couple of drops. He's got n drop. He's putting a couple drops of his milk every morning.
No, you don't add milk he just ordered.
But I mean it's lasting him a week, So I don't know what he istioning out throughout the week Monday to Friday.
My partner puts mayonnaise on a steak so thick that you can't see the steak anymore.
I'm fine with that one. Io is that a thing?
Is that condiment for a steak?
Yeah?
You can put as much mayonnaise on anything, like literally, you could put mayonnaise on weep bigs and I make everything. I'm fine with that, okay this though, I'm not fine with tiramasou with a side of ketchup. Someone actually ordered tyramasu with the side of tomato sauce. And the last one that gave this lovely woman the eck was we went on a date and he ordered ice like a cup of ice because he felt sweaty, and then he sat there and sucked on ice for the entire day.
Oh, no, I think that's okay. He's just hot. He's probably Mexico. No is he it's hot, he wants to cool down a bit of eyes. Nah, that one's all right.
You can't just order on a date, Brittany and then suck ice like a child. What You're allowed to order a jug of milk? No, I think that's a terrible idea as well. Anyway, let's get into these questions. I'm gonna kick it off with question number one. I am in a bit of a pickle, and I'd like some perspective on this for context. At the start of the pandemic, I found out that my husband of a year was cheating on me. We tried to make it work, but
ultimately we ended up getting divorced. Fast forward to now, and I've met someone who I think is truly my penguin, and it is the most fulfilling, happy relationship of my adult life.
But Dun, Dun, Dun's always a butt.
He really wants to get married.
He talks a lot about it and says things like, oh, this could be a good wedding song, or I want to do these things for my bucks all locations that would be a nice location to propose that. But the thing is, I don't really want to get married again. Weddings ultimately are a huge cost and require so much time and energy, and I don't know if I have it in me to do it all again in what feels so soon.
What should I do?
Am I being unfair to deny him something that he clearly wants to do because I've already done it? Or do I say no just honestly because I want to focus on paying off my mortgage and starting a family.
Okay, I think I know what I want to say here, Well go ahead, because usually you want to like chat it out and get to your answer. But I think you are completely entitled to say I don't want to do this again. I've put so much money into it. I don't want the big hoohark because I've done it once it didn't work. You've obviously got some feelings towards your last wedding and your last marriage, and that is completely okay. But your partner really wants to get married.
So I think this is maybe a case of a conversation and a meet in the middle. Is there a reason that you can't get married officially, which is what he wants, because he might just want to feel like there is that commitment and you have said for the rest of your life, because there is something different about it. I'm not saying a wedding is the bill and end all, but for a lot of people, it's a comfort of like, oh, we are actually professing our love and saying we want
to do this. So is there a middle ground of saying, maybe we can elope maybe we don't have to have the huge wedding and have ten friends and family so that he gets what he wants. He's getting that special moment he gets a wedding because he sounds like he hasn't been married before. And then you get what you want,
which is not this whole, big, elaborate who hah. But you can't go and get married if you absolutely have an aversion to a wedding as a whole, and it's not just the idea of it being big and elaborate. But if you just don't want to do that wedding certificate again, you don't want to make it official again, then you do have to just be honest with him.
I agree what you say, but I think that this is quite a tricky one because there's a very big difference between a wedding and a marriage, and that's something that only.
You know what you feel comfortable with.
Like, is it the fact that the wedding is expensive and hard to organize in all of that, or is it the fact that you don't want to be in a situation where you're married again and you feel like your life is completely tied to someone who could disappoint you.
I agree with you.
A one year out from your recent divorce and being in a your relationship is a really soon time period, and I think it is quick, yeah, really quick. And I think if you were to have that conversation with him of like, you are the person I want to be with. I see this potentially in the future. But right now, I'm not ready to get married. I don't think that that's an unreasonable expectation or thing to say, Like, I don't think you're being unreasonable by saying I'm not
ready to get married again. But that doesn't mean that it changes my feelings for you. I also think that the reason why he's bringing it up and saying, oh, this is a great place to get proposal, like this is a great wedding song is I kind of think he's floating your reaction. He wants to know whether you are yes, yeah, Are you going to say yes? He's actually trying to gauge from you what your answer will be.
So when he says those sorts of things, that is your opportunity to tell him how you're feeling, or to tell him what your reservations are. But I do think that by being really honest with your communication, you can explain that your reservations are not around the long term commitment of the relationship, but it's around the fact that you've already just been through this and I'm sure your divorce was quite recently final.
I mean, if you split up at the beginning of.
COVID, it takes a year for a divorce to actually, you know, be able to be legitimate. So there hasn't been that much time since your last marriage, and I understand why you might need a bit of breathing space. I hate to be the person who says like you might change your mind, right, because they do think in life like that's a very dismissive thing when people feel a certain way about anything, whether it's kids, whether it's about marriage, whatever it is. But there is the opportunity
that in the future you may change your mind. But I don't think that you have to make a decision just yet. And I think that if he loves you and wants to be with you, then he will understand that, you know, there are some limitations with being with someone who's already just been married.
The other thing I want to add to that is what you just said is very accurate, Laura. Maybe he's floating the idea of an engagement right. And one thing I do want to say, because I know a lot of people in my life, some family members, friends, some people get engaged and that is the commitment. They don't actually ever end up tying or not for no reason in particular other than maybe they want to use that money for a house. Maybe they don't feel like they
need that commitment. They get busy. It was COVID, but they've realized that the proposal and the engagement ring was enough of a commitment. So maybe, if you know you want to spend your life with him, maybe let him know that. If he proposes and you say yes, then you can have a discussion too, and maybe you can say, I'm exactly what Laura just said, not ready for a
wedding yet. Let's just sit on this. Let's sit in the moment you know, I want to be with you forever, and you can have the discussion later about the size of the wedding if you go to a registreet, if you even do it. But if you want to spend your life with someone, it's a pretty beautiful and a pretty special thing. And I think you're not going to it's not I would be very surprised if you love
someone that purely. If this was a deal breaker, I think it's just going to be about compromise more than is it a deal breaker totally.
The only thing though, is and I mean now I'm backflipping all the way just said, if you know, if you know in your heart of hearts, that you're absolutely not going to change your mind on this, that you do not want to be married again, that that was you know, the process of the breakup, and you know, thinking that that person was the one and a force
was too much to tread that path again. Then I think be really clear, because the worst thing you want is for him to propose to you with the expectation that a marriage is coming, and then for you to
have to disappoint him. I think it's always better to try and get on the same page early as soon as possible, to mitigate and manage someone else's expectations and what they want for themselves, because the earlier you do that, the less of a huge problem it's going to be down the path because you're only just like it's going to compile and snowball the further and the longer you leave.
This comes back to honest communication. You want to be with this person forever. Just tell them how you feel.
Alrighty question number two?
All right, this is bringing it back to the milky ick. I sometimes get the ick after a first date. I used to get it ninety five percent of the time and now only about fifty percent. I'm good, that's great.
A single date you went on you had the ick, and now only time that's a lot of ick.
Okay, I'm going to like jump in on this question.
I reckon I didn't even got past the fifty percent of people I went on dates with gave me the eck.
Though that's normal.
I don't know.
I guess no, go high standards.
No, that would mean I was more iggy.
No, as in like you don't don't even get on the date with them. It's like you can't get.
The ick because you're like no, no, no, Okay.
Well, I like why this question goes. I'm good that I get a fifty percent inch. I will send a message and say I had a great time. I just don't see going anywhere, to which they normally respond, thanks for the message. Let's still hang out as friends, they do. Yeah, I just want to put one.
Let's let's change your mind.
As I'm an outdoorsy girl and I like activities. They want to still go exploring with me, hang out, have fun. I am assuming this is because they think the first date did them no justice. I say, sure, but then I never talked to them again, or I stop replying. That's not good. I know people tell me you should always give someone two dates to give them a chance, but I think if my mind is made up at the beginning, I shouldn't lead them on or put myself through a second date if I'm just not into it.
Do you believe in the two date rule? Can someone be better the second time around? Or if y'all know, you know.
Oh, I definitely think people can be better the second time around, one hundred percent. But I don't believe in the two date rule. I think you don't have, like, you don't have to force yourself to go on a second date with someone who everything in your inside is telling you that that's a bad date.
Run.
But if it's like if you're just going to rule out a guy because he ordered a glass of milk, maybe on the second date you might realize that he has some wonderful, redeeming qualities.
I agree with what you said. I don't believe in the two date rule because I don't think that's a standard that everyone should get two dates. Absolutely not. But I am ae hundred percent a big believer and I've lived it and I've seen it with my friends that people can change in the second, third, fourth, date, and it's not that they're changing. But some people get really nervous on a first date. Some people aren't themselves. Some people don't know how to act that I don't have
to say. They want to impress you, they withhold a lot, maybe they give too much. There are so many reasons someone might not be one hundred percent them. Sometimes I go on a first date and I leave and I was like, what did I just do? Why was I like acting like that? I'm like, but it's something that sometimes if there's a lot of pressure on it, or you're in an environment, you might not know. Maybe it's a set up and you're try to impress them from
a friend. There is a multitude of reasons someone can be uncomfortable. If you've got the ick, straight up, you're not gonna give them a second date. Absolutely not. You do not force yourself through anick. And also I don't think you can if you're ick from day one, you can't recoup that.
Also, I mean, like in what you just said, I think when the stakes are high, like when you really like someone, when you go into a date and you meet them and you're like, holy shit, like I'm in trouble they're the sorts of dates where it's very hard at the very first meeting to be your a game because when the stakes are high, you care, you know,
you're nervous, you're invested. Like it's harder to be on your best and like bring the best version of yourself when you're nervous and worried about whether the other person likes.
You, because nerves mean, nerves are the way of your body's saying this matters to me.
Yeah, and and your brain's going like, don't fuck it up. And then of course when your brain's like don't fuck it up, you probably say something you should you suck it up. Do you know what I actually think of when you asked this question, Britain, I'm surprised that you didn't bring this story yet.
Is it me or you?
No, it's your sister Sherry. So Sherry and Jay.
As you guys know if you've been a long follow of the podcast, Sherry she does a lot of behind the scenes for Life on Cut in the Facebook community group go follow Life on Cut discussion group. But Sherry met her partner, Jay, who she's now happily married to, on Tinder. They spoke for quite a long time before they actually met up.
I think like two months maybe, and.
Then their first date sucked, like from all accounts between the two of them, when they recount their first date, they said it was incredibly underwhelming. They thought that it would be the chemistry and the conversation would flow more easily, but it was a bit jilted.
And it's because the stakes were high.
Well it was because and I'm glad you brought that up now I remember, but you're so welcome. Yeah, thank you. No, they so they spoke. They met when they were in different countries, so Sherry and myself were in Peru and Jay was in Scotland. They matched online on Tinder.
She literally had set her we set it to Scotland because we're moving there, so you were looking for like future boyfriends.
One day, two weeks time will be there, so let's get set up.
Yeah. We were like, well, a couple of months, we're moving to Scotland, let's just see what the men are like.
And you're a kear furniture to arrive on the day that you get there, and also your boyfriend.
It's like when I ordered a heater and it took four months and I missed it. For the whole winter. Anyway, it's in relevant.
It's very different.
So they started, they hit it off. Their chemistry was out of this world on text. So for months, I'm talking like one hundred messages a day, the banter calls. It was crazy. I was like, this is wild to watch. Then their first date, they came back and they were like, Sharon, I was like, how was it? I mean, actually I was on the date with him, but then I left and gave them some time.
Could you tell that it was a little bit?
Oh was so awkward. Jay couldn't even eat. He was so nervous he could even finish his meal, and we were like, poor backpackers. I was like, are you finished with that? I will literally read that, please. I don't know why we'll eat that. And they went on a few more dates and it got slowly better. But then they had a moment a couple of dates in and where Shardan was like, I think we're just supposed to be friends. Then she's like, I'll give it one more chance.
And that's when they got comfortable enough for it to be fucking amazing, and it is. They are six years now and they are just the most perfect couple. But it was because and they say this now, there was so much pressure for it to be amazing, because they'd put the pressure on themselves and then they get there and they did not what to do. They know how to speak them and know how to act, but it wasn't a matter of the ick. They liked each other.
They were great people. There's nothing wrong with them. So because they let it evolve and gave it a chance, it turned into something amazing. So I think if you are not revolted by the person, because they think about the times you go on a date, right, I know everyone out there is And I say to you, guys, there are so many times that you go on a date and you're like, I don't know. It was a bit, there's nothing wrong with them. Was there a crazy chemistry? No? Did we laugh and have a good time?
Yes?
And then you're trying to work out in your head. Do you give it another time and something grow there? And a lot of the time it can. So I think, don't necessarily brush it off after one date.
Yeah, And I think that'll be sometimes we expect the fireworks and the chemistry and the insanity and the intense and the ease of it. We almost expect that too much, like we think that if it doesn't have that, then it must not be good. But that stuff, and I mean we've spoken about it for three and a half years now, like that shit can grow, it truly can. The other thing that I just want to touch on from your question is you said I don't want to lead them on.
You know, should I go on a second date or is that leading them on?
No, going on two dates with someone, whether you're invested in them or you're not invested in them, is not leading them on. You don't owe anybody anything after two dates. The only thing that at that point in time could lead someone on is if you're having sex with them and telling them that you're really invested in them.
That's leading them on if you're not.
But if your actions on that date are authentic to how you feel, if you're genuinely just getting to know the person, if you're feeling it out and you're kind of like, you know, maybe you have a kiss, maybe you don't have a kiss. None of that is leading someone on. That is all just figuring out whether you actually like the person and want to go on another date, and if after two dates even if you've kissed the guy.
After two dates, you decide, oh, I'm actually not into them, saying hey, sorry, you know I'm not as into you as I thought I was. You still haven't let that person on.
Well, you could date someone for a year and decide it's not right and it's not leading them on, like you're allowed, but you're allowed to change your mind.
Changing your mind isn't leading someone Okay, leading someone on is purposely knowing that you don't like someone and making them for a prolonged period of time. Think that you do just so you can get something out of them. That's leading someone on, so that you know, if you're lonely and you don't want to be alone, they're filling your time, or if they're just like a segue to your next relationship, like it's manipulating someone, that's leading them on.
Yeah, if you left the date and you're like ill revolted, but you text them and said had a great time, that's leading them on. Going on a second date. Not so bad? All right, let's move on to the third question.
Okay, question number three. I've been with my partner now for almost five years. I'm twenty three years old. And we have a mature relationship for our age. What I mean by this is we have a joint bank account and we've just bought fifty acres of land together to build a house, and our future is pretty planned out.
To big house.
That's a big that's also a big investment. Like I mean, amazing twenty three years old, if you know what you want. I had a gut feeling and looked through his phone on Saturday night, and I know I shouldn't have done it, and I've apologized for disrespecting his privacy, but I found a saved Snapchat message to a girl that he's known for years and I haven't met her, but it said I wish I didn't have a girlfriend so I could see your only fans.
I bought it up with.
Him, and he's adamant that he didn't send it, but it was at five point thirty PM on a regular Monday afternoon, so it was obviously him. I told him that if it was a one time lapse in judgment and the heat of the moment, that he could tell me and we could move past it. But he is set on denying that he didn't do it. What's upset me the most isn't the fact that he wants to see in other girls only fans. You know, I get it,
guys have needs, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. But what's upset me is that he's told someone who knows that he's in a long term relationship with me that he wishes he didn't have a girlfriend. It has absolutely broken my heart and I'm finding it hard to move past it. How can I move on from this and forget it?
The other thing that, oh, it's a bit of a red flag for me. There is the denial, although that's like the one you've been caught out, Like I think when you get caught out in something like this, like it's physically there, she's seen the message, it's in your phone. The only way I think I'd be able to move forward is if I approached this with him. I had this conversation with him, I confronted him and he owned up to it, and so it was holy shit, I'm I fucked up.
I fucked up.
I'm beside myself. I don't know why I did. I don't I whatever his reason, I'm not saying it's okay. But the denial part for me saying it didn't happen. What are you talking about? Like this level of I don't know if it was gaslighting, but you're saying it didn't happen when you know it did. That's going to start to make you think, did it happen? Could it
have been someone else? Was it someone that's going to start to make you question your own Well, I don't want to say insanity, but what you saw and maybe, oh my god, did I misinterpret it? Did I read it wrong? Do I remember actually what I said? The ownership in this is imperative for me to be able to move.
Forward at all. Well, I think you completely hit the nail on the head. And like, the only thing I wanted to add to that is this is gas lighting. That's quintessential gas lighting. Like if you have seen something, if you know that there is a saved Scent message that says sent from Fred to Sarah on this date, on this date, at this time that says, I wish I didn't have a girlfriend so I could see your only fans.
Look.
I mean it's nice that he didn't go and look at her only fans, And I mean it's a horrible thing that he wrote. That's a really awful message to read, because you never want your partner to say that they wish they don't have you in their life. But it is the lack of acknowledgment, and it's really hard to move past something when you have been given no validation by him saying I didn't do it and completely denying
it and shutting down that conversation. It denies you any validation for your feelings because therefore he's saying, well, you shouldn't feel like that because it never happened. That is very manipulative behavior, and I know why he's doing it. He's doing it because he doesn't want to lose you. He's doing it because he doesn't want you to be
upset or offended or angry at him. And it's easy for him to dig his heels in and say I just didn't do it, because then he doesn't have to deal with any of the repercussions for his bad behavior.
But I do think it's.
Very unfair of him to expect for you to completely move past this, to be completely fine, and to forget it without getting any validation for why you feel the way that you feel what he actually did in terms of the betrayal. I mean, it's up to you to decide whether that's something that you can overcome in time.
And I feel like, for me, if that had happened to me after X amount of years of dating someone, after you know, having a joint bank account and owning property together, and knowing that he was actually genuinely, really invested in the relationship, I think personally I would be able to overcome that, but I would need some sort of fucking apology to feel like my feelings were valid.
I one hundred percent agree. I feel like, and again, guys, this is our personal opinion. If we were in this situation, I feel like, if there was ownership and a discussion why he did it, maybe for whatever reason, But if he explains himself makes you feel like it was a huge mistake, you'll never do it again, and only then if you believe him and you can move forward. Because you're the one that has said this has unsettled me.
I don't know how to move forward. If you can't move forward, this is very problematic.
Yeah, And because with the lack of apology and lack of acknowledgment, like my thought would be, well, maybe you're just gonna do it again because you're not sorry for it. I'm not sorry, you've just denied it.
Look, the only way you said you want to move past it, but you're a bit stuck at the moment because there's no ownership. The only way for you to move past it is have a really fucking hard conversation, and that's to be like, call him out on it. You're entitled to call him out on it. If he's gas lighting you again and says I didn't do it, just say, look, let's stop beating around the bush. It's there. Let's call a spade a spade. I know you've done it. I saw it. If you keep denying this, we cannot
move forward. Just put it out there, lay all your cards out there. You don't have to be aggressive, you don't be angry. You can do it however you want.
It's hard, though, isn't it, Because I guess in her mind, she's like, I don't want to create an even bigger issue because she doesn't want to break up with him. She wants to work through this. She wants to be with him, which is why she has to have the conversation. In my eyes, you could say that to him. You could say this has bothered me. This is really I don't know how to sit with this. I don't feel comfortable. I don't know if I trust you now. Can we talk about it because I want to move on.
Hughes, Like, what does he say?
He says, I didn't do it, Like my friend took my phone and got my snapchat and then he wrote to my friends. Yeah, Like who is he saying sent the message? Is he saying that the message just didn't exist? Or is he saying that you imagined it? Like I would love to know.
I need more context. Please write back to us.
I want to know aftermath what he actually is trying to tell you that happened, you know, because like that is part a really important piece of the story, Like you can't just completely deny a message that's so clearly and obviously there. He's like it was the opters hacker, Like, yeah, they took my Medicare number and all sudden sarah a message, they got my.
Snapchat and everything.
Ultimately that the other part of this is I know that you say that you're in a very mature relationship, and it sounds like it is a very mature relationship. But the way he is behaving is not a mature reaction to doing something wrong, and you know we can move past cheating. Cheating is definitely something that happens unfortunately, whether it's physical cheating, micro cheating, emotional cheating, it happens
in relationships. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, it doesn't mean that he thinks less of your relationship. It doesn't even mean that he's ever actually thought I don't want to be with my girlfriend. There's many, many reasons to why he has done what he's done, and it could have just been a lapse in temptation. But we're going to keep circling back on the same point, and it's that you need validity for the fact that you have been hurt, and if he hasn't and can't
say sorry, then you're not getting that. So it's really hard for you to move forward and it's almost an unfair expectation that you have in yourself.
Good luck. I hope you find what you're looking for. Please, guys, if we've ever answered your question and you want to give us an update, because it kills us sometimes not knowing, we're like, do.
They work out what happened with that?
We love the ask gun Cut after Mass.
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