Ask Uncut - Do You Have A Work Crush?

This episode was recorded on cameragle Land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura, I'm Brittany, and this is ask gun cut where we answer you're deep, you're duck, and you're burning questions. Also, I just want to say very big thank you to

Imagine if you didn't get nice messages though, actually, if it was like, fuck you having another baby in an overpopulated world.

What about that one you got about twins?

Oh, someone messaged me.

I was like, please only send me positive news stories about going from two to three, because, like I told you on the last episode, everyone likes to tell you how insane you are. And this one woman message and she was like, yeah, She's like, two to three sound like a fucking great idea, except now I'm eighteen weeks pregnant with twins. Imagine going from two to four. That would just mess you right up sideways.

One of my really good friends that you guys know, Tany. Shout out to Tany. She listens to every episode. She'll f off that. But she had child, she had two kids. She was I'm in and iroing for the third. They decided to She's now got four under four. She had twins. That's so wid Did she just start a small business like last year? You know what? Fuck it chilling, Charlie. It's a pajama business. It's amazing. She's one of those

This is a real thing, though I can't remember where I read it, but women who have babies and then start businesses after becoming mums well productive. Yeah, there's this real entrepreneurship that happens. And I also we're very lucky with the current climate with like social media and the accessibility of starting small online businesses. It's definitely a thing, and I think it's because having your own business obviously starts as a bit of a creative idea, often during

And I think even for us, like when we started.

You guys probably remember I started May and Move with my sister, which is like a crocheted blanket brand. Mind you, I haven't had the time to dedicate to it that I probably need because of the other basillian businesses that we've got going on. But I think sometimes as a mum, you see a gap or you see something that you would have liked yourself, and that's kind of like a business opportunity.

And I guess you're not sleeping anyway, I.

Might as well add MOUTI might as well.

Be doing emails while we're feeding, right, Yeah.

I think the thing is And I mean maybe this is just talking to my friend Tiny as well, but you do hear that mothers are more productive because the time they have less time, so the time that they've got they just knuckle down. Like I know, for her, she's realized with four kids at home that she's like, I want more autonomy and I want to be able to do stuff at home, and I want something that's more mine yeah, so I think that's really cool. I

Friends actually on that though, Like Laura, I actually remember you teaching me about this. It'd have to be over a year ago now, but you gave me such a different perspective on it in terms of employing mothers, because I kind of had maybe a little bit of a really wrong and a bit of a judgmental attitude that if women were employed and they had kids, they had priorities that were greater.

Than their work.

And I thought, well, that's always going to be the case until their kids are of a certain age. And you taught me, if you hire mums, they will work the hardest of anyone in the room because they don't have the time to fuck around.

They're not the ones going and getting.

The coffees and going and taking the extra time to chat with everybody in the office, because once their worktime stops, they have to parent and they will get their shit done.

And it really really shifted things to me.

I was like, Wow, that's a perspective I hadn't thought about before, and it's probably one hundred percent true.

And I think that heralding women in that way is a really really.

Good thing that you did.

You shifted my mindset on it.

Maybe that's what I need to do, because I've got all these bits and since in the back of my mind and I can't start them, maybe I need to get pregnant and then I'll become super successful.

At the same time, you're already super successful, breathing.

That's the problem. You already have.

Businesses, but you're like, but now I need a sunglass brand.

No, I have these two brands. It's so annoying I have. I've got business names, I've paid for them, I've trademarked them. They're sitting there and it's really annoying because I feel like I was just taking off and then I'm not going to say who, but somebody, very very big in Australian media just launched the same business. And now I know that there's room for everyone and every markets saturated. But I'm like, fucking oh, Like, if I did it a year ago, I would have you know, but you

It is like, yeah, it's different when someone else is doing up, but they're doing it really really well that's the problem.

Yeah, they're just I mean their reach and they're following and who they are. Can I say we can be if it's right.

Yeah?

Yeah, well look, guys, knock harded to derail this back to myself for a second, but genuinely, I genuinely wanted to say thank you, Like I just feel so I feel so loved, Like, yeah, it means so much to me, how much so many of you one listen to the episode two cared message, like all of the just all of the love and all of the support, and I feel so lucky that this little baby gets to have two amazing sisters. If you missed it, we're having a girl yay, which.

Also sorry Paul Matt, you're living with you, Maley Lola.

But mom Ellie the cat that he didn't want a girl.

The cat he's got Buster, at least he's got one. Other doesn't do much.

He's such a good boy. He just sits in the corner. He doesn't contribute to the testosterone.

He's such a good boy.

No, look, I mean, Matt was always destined to be a girl dad, and I guess maybe we'll have a big conversation about it later on, but we've spoken about gender disappointment before, and I absolutely don't want to put Matt into the camp of having gender disappointment. He is thrilled that we are having a girl, but he definitely had the reaction of like, oh, okay, I have to reassess my expectations around what I thought fatherhood would be because he always saw himself as being a dad to a boy.

I don't plan on having another baby after this, so like this is this is uh? He might have other ideas. Let's can we gret.

That audio and hold onto it for when number four.

This is us and our family complete, I think, and I guess like it was like a moment of whiplash for him to get his head around, and he is so so stoked that we're having another baby. He's so sorry that we're having a girl, and he is the best girl dad. And I think for me, I am happy that it's a girl because I worry that bringing a little boy into the dynamic would change the relationship that he already has with our daughters and I say

I don't think he would change if he had a boy. I don't think he'd change the way he treats the girls in that sense. But I do think you can have the same things running concurrently. I think that you can have a level of gender disappointment and still be equally thrilled, Like you can still be equally thrilled you're getting a daughter and still have a level of like could have been cool to dabble in something I haven't dabbled in.

Yeah, change of scenery would have been nice.

Also, I don't want to make this too deep, and we can cut it if you're not comfortable with it. But Matt doesn't have a relationship with his dad, and I wonder if there was a little bit of a subconscious thing where he wanted to be the dad too, you know, a figure that he never had as in like I wonder if he kind of maybe wanted to parent.

A boy the way that he was not raised as a boy.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, And we've had big conversations not about not about specifically being a dad tool boy, that being a dad in general. And I think I wonder if other people have experienced this, but like, there is something incredibly healing, and this is a big conversation about and I have had. There's something incredibly healing about becoming a parent when maybe your experience of your childhood wasn't the idyllic childhood upbringing.

He's the best, best dad.

And you know, he's always said, I want to be the version of a dad that I didn't necessarily have, So yeah, I'm so proud of him. And also, you know, it took him a second and now he's soon on board. So look, guys again, thank you. It's very exciting times. I'm sure I'll update you and all of the gory details along the way.

You're going to be thrilled about it.

Yeah. Oh, we are so much more content now.

Thank god we were running drive.

I can actually talk about it because there were so many things going on in your personal life and you're like, oh, I just I can't share that yet. So yeah, we're going to get the backlog of all the funny stories I.

Did, like, I genuinely loved going through all the guesses of what was going to be on the Instagram post like that was really fun. The people that thought all three of us were having babies simultaneously, that was very optimistic. I don't know on the same day, I don't know how we would survive that.

To be fair, that would be one situation where the podcast would really struggle.

I don't I don't know what would have happened. I don't know how we would have survived that, so it's probably as exciting as that would have been. Be grateful that we're all not having babies simultaneously.

And also the second biggest guess was that Britt is now already married and she's moved to Italy. Those things, those things are going to happen, like that's probably the next big news that we have, like when we're teasing an announcement, but realistically, well you have just the beginnings.

Thanks Laura. I was holding on to that. Thanks. No, it was exciting. I also did love the person that wanted Ben to come on as a co host. I thought that that was cute.

I was like, wow, it really hit home with someone, and I do want to also validate a lot of people were talking about cloud, which I know that I didn't mean to bait you with the cloud in the.

We didn't think it's sorry, we're not thoughtful enough to do Easter eggs.

No, I'm not Taylor Swift, guys. I was just looking for I was in a rush. I was also trying to get food into both kids. It was soft, it looked nice, and you know what, it was a template in canvas that we used a long time ago, and I was like that'll do, Pig, that'll do.

We actually were all speaking in our messages being like, wow, we really didn't think that one through. Like we definitely did bait that it was something to do with Cloud, but we didn't. No one knew, No one knew that that's what we were baiting.

We didn't.

It didn't even cross our mind.

Okay.

And also, if you haven't listened to Cloud, listen, go and listen. It is a fantastic podcast that we created. Keisha created it, she's hosted it, she's produced it, and it is all about living with adhd adhd like diagnosis. It's a fucking girl podcast. Don't get that in your ears.

Well, speaking of recommendation, should we get into vibes, I thought you were going to recommend your pop.

I'm just gonna recommend her again. Yeah, look, I'm going to kick start then without two weeks like overseas and stuff. I man, I watched some stuff like the Plane thirty hours traveling. I download all a bunch of stuff and I just watch whole series.

Can I say?

I had planned on trying to get through a couple of seasons of I just wanted to watch White Lotus. I wanted to watch it whilst I was on holiday.

I still haven't watched it.

I didn't watch a single thing, not one thing on holiday.

I don't know what I did though.

We just, I guess in family stuff, which is probably better than more dolphins.

You were very connected around it, and you should.

I actually don't know what I did. I can't tell you one thing.

Tell you because you would send me photos you Laura would send me photo of her at the beach, be like I'm so free, I'm going to move here and it was just like an empty beach and I was like, Okay, see you back in the city next week. I was like what she always saw that she goes this is freedom and I was like, who are.

You SHEDFOI has literally like making sand angels.

She was on the ground making angels and she's like, I just love it here, guys.

I'm born to be in the country. I'm not born to be here.

I'm not I'm born to be on the Italian on a yacht.

But we all have what we want, all right, recommendations.

Yes, so you so season five of you? We all know what you is. Literally there's five seasons. This is the final season. It came out like in the last two weeks. It's really fresh. But I downloaded it straight away and watched the entire thing.

So many episodes are we talking.

I think it's eight ten max eight, But it's see what you can achieved when you're not doing sand angels.

I see what you can achieve when you're on a thirty hour flight. So if you've seen the reviews, it is getting mixed reviews. And I went through each season, so season one to five basically got like in terms of percentage ratings, ninety five percent, ninety three percent, eighty nine percent, like they sort of went down a little bit, and I think this one's the lowest, seventy nine percent or something. But I loved it. I really enjoyed it.

You just victim blame the characters.

One hundred percent. I victim blamed. No, I wait, you see it. Wait, you're like you idiot, I won't. Yeah, No, you have to. You have to. It has to come. It's one of those things that has to come full circle.

And I haven't seen anything since season one.

I watched all of season one and I loved it, but I haven't seen any of the other seasons, so it's too much.

I'm now overwhelmed.

Well, I've put Ben onto it. Ben's going to watch all five seasons. And I think it's one of those things that if you've ever watched one or two seasons, just finish it, just go through, watch them all. So I enjoyed it. It's definitely done. There is no room for another season, and there shouldn't be, like it's run its course.

Why do you feel as though it's receiving negative backlash this season verse the other four?

I think because it's done. I think because it's like we've explored so many storylines and almost getting a bit unfathomable now, like this one is a bit almost a bit fantastical. You're like, right, yeah, it's a bit like crazy. But I think Penn Bagley, who is the lead, is brilliant, Like he's very.

Good, and I think he was perfectly cast. So he'll always be danned from Gossip Girl totally. I saw that he went on Call Her Daddy last week as well, so yeah, let's not.

Promote the biggest podcast in the world.

I'm trure he'll be on Life on Card next week, Key Show. What to vibe.

My vibe of this week is because I traveled internationally a week and a half ago, and this is something that I've had for the past, I reckon maybe eleven years, and it's a travel money card now mina through the Commonwealth Bank because I bank with them, and this is not an ad I have had these cards for as long as I can remember. I remember not paying for them, so I'm assuming that that's because I am a comm

If I haven't.

Preloaded that particular currency, it will just take the day exchange rate for that day and it will just transfer it on the spot.

So I always put just Australian money in it.

I'm sure if you were smart enough or if you were kind of checked in enough to notice when there was a really good exchange rate, you can actually convert some of the money into euro or you know, British pound or whatever it might be that you need. I'm not really that organized, though, so I just go with the day rate.

It's really really easy.

No international transaction fees. So yeah, I've been using them for as long as I've traveled internationally. And I was just reminded about it because we went on the weekend and my boyfriend was talking about having to unlock his credit card, and I was like, Oh nah, don't worry about that. Like we'll just use the travel cards. You know, it's pretty safe. You can just put small amount of

That is to be fair. My number one Achilles Heel.

So if you go to Indonesia or you're traveling through Bali, the ATMs work differently there. So in Australia they give you your card back, then they give you your cash.

That's how they work.

In Indonesia, they give you your cash, then they give you your card.

And you walk away with it and.

Then it says the problem is is it doesn't cancel the transaction. Something pops up on screen which says do you want to continue with your transaction? And all it takes is for someone to be behind you go and press yes. So the amount of times, and it's actually embarrassing how many times it's happen, because you would think I would learn I have lost my card and I have had lots of money deducted from my account, which

Just get a car that you can attack.

It's also if you don't have to have the cash on you, which in Bali I usually do get some cash because some places are there only take cash. But if you don't have to have the cash on you, you can just tap your card at restaurants and that which is great.

So I am with Iron g Irong if you guys are with them. They're a bank that like doesn't have an actual physical bank bank, so it's like all online. But they don't charge transaction fees for international so anywhere in the world that you are that you want to tap, well, what it does is it charges it but then puts it straight back in. So that's also like a good thing too.

Okay, Well, look, I have a recommendation guys.

Over the Easter holiday, a really good friend of mine, Mel she came and she was she spent Easter with us, her and her little boy and her husband Enzo and we had a great time as friends, and she has thanks.

It's just not swinging or thanks for clarification. My recommendation is the friends, very very platonic friend to hang out, get your keys and a bowl. Renovated this house down south so she can just go have sex parties. She hasn't told no.

Look. The reason why I'm recommending it is because she has an Instagram page. She's a fantastic cook, like an exceptional cook, and she has an Instagram page where she has really awesome snacks foods that she creates. But a lot of them are great if you're a parent and you're wanting to get like healthy meals or healthy snacks for your kids.

I'm talking muffins.

I'm talking like faux sweet treats that aren't actually sweet treats. They've been created in a really incredibly healthy way. The recipes are really simple. And this recipe that I want to recommend is one that she made for the kids on Easter Day. It was a pancake recipe. And now I am pretty bad with cooking. I'm like a go to the shops, get a water pancake mix that you shake up and down and pour it out.

Yeah, obviously that's what i'd do, whereas that horrified mel So.

Firstly, the Instagram page for you to all go and follow is called PW Pantry. That's where she has all of her recipes. The food looks absolutely insane. But this specific recipe, and I'm gonna read it out to you guys, so you can kind of like jot it down.

Now. It's two eggs, one luge banana.

Oh, you're going to say the recipe.

It's easy. There's only like six ingredients. Hear me out, give me time. Two eggs, one luge banana, three quarter cup of oats, half a teaspoon of baking soda, a tiny bit of cinnamon, and a few dashes of coconut milk. Then you add whatever vegetable you want, so she added spinach to it. You could add zucchini, or you could add beetroot and whatever.

Pancake.

Yeah, hear me out.

Though, whatever whatever vegetable you add is the color. So if you want pink pancakes, add a bit of beetroot. If you want green pancakes, which is what we had, she added spinach.

Blitz it all in just a neutral bullet, like just chuckle.

Those ingredients in, smash it in a nutra bullet, and you have the most amazing, delicious, healthy pancakes for kids.

Now, don't stress if you didn't write Laura's recipe down, we will link it in the show.

Note we will, but I specifically now have this printed out and put it on our fridge.

Melmegs it like twice a week, and I am following.

I'm following in soup because I can't cook, but I can cook this, and I'm proud of myself. So yeah, go give it a follow Pew Pantry. Especially you're a mum and you're wanting to, like are a parent, you're wanting to make better food for your kids. I recommend it so much. She's a fucking great cook. Anyways, let's get into the questions. Question number one. Five months ago,

I obviously have never been in this situation, but I have pretty clear, strong feelings about it, and I think absolutely you need to stick by the agreement you've had with your ex. If you have said to your ex both of you have agreed that you are going to make sure you're introducing everyone before you introduce him to the child, then you stick by that. And I don't even think that's something that you should have to stick

Look, that doesn't mean that you can't reassess the rules. You are absolutely allowed to have a conversation with your ex where you're like, hey, I want to talk about this decision that we made because I don't know if I fully agree with it. Have a conversation about it. But you don't get to just lie and then make up a new rule because you've decided that now it doesn't suit you anymore. And I think that it's a

Stop saying one point five. I can't pin you.

Seriously, Yes he's only one and a half, which means that he's not verbal enough to tell, you know, his dad, that's how you're going to get away with it. But there will come a time where this kid registers that mum has a lot of friends that she's introduced to, and I say this, and maybe I have a bit more of a bias.

I guess it is probably the right word.

Growing up, I grew up in a family with loss of divorce. My mum was divorced twice. My dad was also divorced twice. Both of them married three times. And I remember my mum dated, you know, she always kind of had a partner or a boyfriend, and a lot of them are really nice. You know. I don't have

Yeah, and I think the difference here is and I shouldn't say the difference, but I understand what she's saying. What she's saying is I already know that I want him to be part of my future, but the way he is around my son is going to be a very telling sign. And I absolutely agree with that, Like, somebody can be amazing, but you need to see the

Your life lighteen years. Yeah, like I tel that kid no longer is part of chance support you. Yeah, absolutely ruin your ability to co parent amicably.

Yeah, if you get each other offside early. From my experience of what I'm seeing, when your parents that have disagreed on something, like when you're co parenting, you've disagreed on something, people seem to hold onto that a lot more and then they start to use it as tip for tat. So I think he need to be as like amicable and honest and open as possible in every relationship because that is what your future depends on.

Yeah, And I guess the only thing I want to add to that is, like you know, you've said, I want to see and I want to experience what he is like around and with my son before I tell my ex that I'm seeing someone. Firstly, I probably wouldn't be just introducing someone that you're quote unquote seeing. I would be introducing someone who you've made a commitment to and you know that there's someone that you Okay, he's not seeing anyone else. I'm not seeing anyone else. We

He is a great guy.

At some point, I am going to introduce him to our child. But I want you to know that if that doesn't work out, well, my absolute main priority is how he treats our boy, and if he doesn't live up to my expectations around that, he won't be a part of my life. That just once again proves that your priority isn't your dating life. Your priority is your kids. And I think that it's easy for us to sit here and dish out advice. We haven't gone through divorces.

It can be really hard. So yeah, good luck with that one.

That's I mean, And if anyone else is doing it, I would love to know how you've managed to navigate this slide into the DMS, because I think this is a question that people are going to have really conflicting experiences and feelings about.

I actually don't agree with that. I don't think there's going to be that much conflict with this, So I think most people will say what we've said, if you've had an agreement with your partner, you need to stick

Don't tell your husband, like the husband, Your husband doesn't need to know.

You're fantasizing about fucking the doctor.

Well, yeah, you're allowed to have fantasies, you know some people Actually no, I was I say, some people might disagree.

I fucking doubt it.

You are not able to have a fantasy, allowed to have thoughts. Thoughts are not real, they are not based in it can be yeah, but they're not based in action, do you know what I mean. There is a very big difference between thinking, oh my god, that guy's hot. That's a fantasy, and that's where it ends like, hey, like, you're allowed to have those thoughts and those feelings. I would put money on the fact that your husband's probably

I was thinking about fucking it. Not I'm joking with orange?

An orange? Doctor mine is I.

Was a joking Gase Ben was listening.

No, But I just think like, we're allowed to have fantasies, you're allowed to have a crush, You're allowed to have someone that kind of makes you go ooh when they come in at the office. I don't think that that is something that you should be ashamed about or necessarily super super worried about. Obviously, it can err into a

I feel differently, Oh, you thinking she needs to tell him? Fuck? No, No, not about that. I thought I made that clear. Don't tell your husband and you've got a crush on that you think about having sex with someone you work with every day? No, I feel differently that I don't think this is necessarily as harmless as you think. And I want to say this because I have so much skin in the game. I worked in an operating theater for thirteen years. I dated doctors. I work so closely with doctors.

At all surgeons and noises.

A lot of surgeons cheat people that are married with kids. I have seen it so many times my partner, many many moons ago. I dated a surgeon he also cheated.

Also kid, Yes, yeah, I ha data surgeon, he cheated a lot. But also, can we just please put out there are going to be a lot of people listening to this who are married to surgeons or who are surgeons, and they don't cheat.

That's why I said, it's not a blanket statement.

It's not if you're a surgeon, you're a cheat.

Up.

A lot of people cheat.

Yeah, yeah, you know there are stereotypes that exist in the medical world for good reason.

Story types exist in aviation that exist.

In military, do you know what I mean?

Like, there are a lot of stereotypes and there are reasons for this.

Well, the thing the stereotypes is, and I just want to say this just as much there are a lot of surgeons, I know he families that are the best husbands and dads. Ever, like I'm not sanely all do it. The reason these stereotypes in things like aviation and things like surgeons exist is because the opportunity exists. Surgeons work twenty four hours a day, they're always on call, they

They're also potentially people that are deemed as desirable because of their occupations, so like they may have more opportunities when it comes to dating or it comes so you know, people being interested in them.

But the reason I want to say that, I don't think it's necessarily completely harmless. And I'm not saying this because I think that you will do anything. That's not what I'm saying. But I start to worry about this situation because is it normal to like have fantasies about people? Absolutely? Is it normal to imagine having sex with someone else?

Sure?

Like that is human nature to be attracted to other people. You can appreciate a beautiful human walking down the street or that you work with, Like, that's all fine. I worry about this for you because you start to get really excited when he comes into the room and you think about him outside of work sexual. That is where I'm like, Okay, he's taking up too much brain space.

I guess that's my question though, because there's nothing in here that she has said that implies that the way that she is behaving or they are interacting is anything but professional. There's no indication of flirting, and if there was, she would have said that. She hasn't said that there's flirting. She hasn't said that there is anything that he is doing or she is doing to indicate a feeling of like, oh my god, he's so hot.

I of course not, but there's always a line that you can draw more in a room if you are I'm going to assume there is flirting. That's an assumption.

Totally, which if there is, then that's a line that's been crossed. And like, I'm going off what's been written in this, and that is not indicating any flirting. So I'm like, I don't see this as like a massive red flag that you need to do anything about right now if things change, absolutely. But my kind of big take home from this is like you're aware of it, You're very conscious that you're not going to act on it.

Like, I don't know, I'm just kind of like.

No, But it's more than that. She's not dreaming about him, she's consciously thinking about him at home. And she even says like, I'm starting to be worried. It feels sort of wrong thinking about him when I'm not at work. I understand why you're feeling that way because you have realized that it has crossed the lining personally for you. I'm not saying you've crossed the line, but like you have recognized that, Oh okay, I've taken this home with me.

Now, that's weird to think about him sexually when you're at work, though.

So it's it's hot. It's hot doctors operating and start. Trust me, Like, when you're in there and you're seeing someone save a life, you're like hot, Like, I understand why people cheat all the time.

Oh yeah, but I don't know I'm kind of like, she thinks the guy is sexy, and then when she's I don't know, I'm like, not that worried about it.

My boyfriend has scrub caps that have his name printed on the front of them.

They're not hot. I disagree. I think a surgeon is so much scrubs. They're crocs in there. They're saving lives. Like there's something when you were seeing someone save the life, it is hot. Trust me, even if they're not hot, the situation's hot. You're like, oh, you just like literally brought that person back that way cool.

I would be interested to chat to someone who's like a sex ologist about this, because I think that people do need alternate stimulation. I'm sure that there are other people out there who can't just get off only thinking about their husband and from time to time, I agree to be like I saw that hot guy and now I have a fantasy about this.

It doesn't make it real, my fair but I agree with that. But that's not the same person that you see every day. It's not the fantasy that you get off. It's not Jason Momoa once and then the next is Leonardo DiCaprio. This is a real life person. That you're in contact with, that it could happen with realistically, and it's the same stimulus. But that's where my worry comes from.

With that, that's different, of course, but no one's ever going to tell you their thoughts. What I'm trying to say is is like I am sure there are people out there who have great relationships, but they have a specific fantasy that they know they're never going to play out that would exist, and it doesn't mean that they're bad in their relationship.

It doesn't mean that they're not.

You know, we'll just disagree on this one, and yes it would hurt. But the thing is is Ben might He's never going to tell you. Britt He's not about that. It's not about the telling. It's about what happens when that has infiltrated your life if you do not know what will happen. I know you said he's married with kids, right, That does not mean that he might not have issues in one day hit on you. Doesn't mean that he

Like the fact you're saying, is it normal to think about the same person sexually at home in my marriage when I see them every day, I'm going to say no, I'm going to say that that one person that has become your fantasy that you connect with every day, I would start to be trying to peel back from that. Fantasies are normal, yes, but it's different when it could become a reality and you spend so much time with someone. That's where I'm like, Okay, you do need to draw a bit of a line in the sand.

Yeah, And I guess like the way I sit slightly different on this is that I do believe that fantasies can live as purely fantasies, and even if the opportunity presented itself to you that you are able to have enough self preservation and also self control that even if you had a fantasy, you'd never do it anyway, because sometimes fantasies and what actually.

Exists in real life are very fucking different.

But the husband things weird, like don't Yeah, you definitely don't tell him. I don't tell him, Like that's weird, Like you just would that would never come up in conversations.

Yeah, interesting, Like I said, love to know people's thoughts on this.

I absolutely know that there will be people who feel exactly the same as you, because the reality is, no one would want to know that their partner is having those thoughts and feelings. The reality, though, on the flip side of it, is I bet you a lot of people's partners are, but they would never act on it, and it doesn't mean that they love you less. So let's not conflate thoughts with actual reality either, is probably

These days?

Are they your own kids?

Yeah, that's weird. A happy birthday is still a thing.

My son just turned to and I'm a little bit upset at the lack of friends and family that took the time to message me or call to see him and say happy birthday. My partner seems to think that life just gets busy and people sometimes remember but then

We answered something similar about the girl that is pregnant and she was upset that not enough friends and family were like asking how she is and checking in. And I find this a similar question in my brain. And again, I don't have kids, so I can't imagine how I'm going to feel. Maybe I'll feel very differently when I have kids and if no one calls and says happy birthday. But for me, it does sound extreme to say I don't want to take my kid to see people that

What age do you start? Because there is an age that you should start.

Well, what my family has started to do. We're in like a huge family group chat because I have a lot I have four brothers and sisters. They all have multiple kids. Like, there's a lot of kids in my family. And we start to like video record messages and we put them in the family group chat and then show them and then like the nephews and nieces will video record a message back and then they'll put it in there. So that's the way we've started to communicate. But at

Maybe not though, like I don't care, to be honest, like I think as your kids get older, you care more because you don't want your kids to be disappointed.

Everyone is different.

I could not care if someone doesn't text me about my kids first or second or third birthday. Our third's probably like they know, but first or second birthday because that text message isn't for them, that's for me.

They can't read.

They don't say any Britney sent you a text message, sweetie, she doesn't know you ever pass that on?

Like, I don't think you have a did.

I don't I send videos?

Yeah, so like if it's a video, obviously Male and Lola now are older, we sent a.

Video for this last birthday for them.

Yeah, they understand. How guilty they understand now it's different.

But I think, like when your kids are really really little, unless like you're actually seeing them or it's a phone call. I kind of think a text is a bit of a it's a bit of a lack of effort.

A text doesn't do anything.

Do you think it depends on the proximity, as in like if it's your niece, your nephew, if it's your best.

Friend, do you know what I mean?

Like, is it just a friend or does it depend on how close they are to the kids.

I mean, I came to their birthday party totally.

And to be fair, it was tasman my niece's birthday like a week and a half ago, and I'd seen her in the days and leader, but then I didn't actually see her on her birthday and I was like, oh, sorry two days ago. She knows I wish I had be a birthday yeah, which obviously, if my sister cared, she would probably be pissed at me, because you know, technically I probably wasn't a very good auntie. But like, I mean, she's four and she knows I love it.

I love her.

She's something under fists.

She does the best cart wheels. But I don't know.

I think that the offense that you're taking is probably more for yourself than it is for your child. And I understand that as kids get older, you absolutely do not want your children to be disappointed. And you know, for example, if nana or an auntie or uncle forgot when it was like their actual birthday and they were old enough to know and to be disappointed by it. I'd feel very differently about it, But at the age too,

You know.

I understand why you might want your friends to call or a FaceTime or send a video message, but a text message about a second birthday or a first birthday does absolutely nothing for the child whose birthday it is. All that is is an acknowledgment that two years ago you birthed a child. So that's the congratulations to you, and that is absolutely fair. You'll have some friends who will do that, but I definitely don't expect that of

I think the exception to this would be the grandparents.

I think if I had a kid and my mum or dad didn't call their own grandchild on one hundred the kid's birthday, regardless of age, I think i'd be pissed, I.

Agree, But also I'd be pissed if the grandparent just sent a text message. Like if a grandparent didn't show enough initiative to call my kids to even have like a minute conversation with them or show their face, then I would be like, Okay, that's a lack of care. But I think, like I'm saying, I think a text message is the lowest form of effort for a child because it's.

Not for them. Do you know what you just said that it's interesting you just said, Oh you know, I don't care if someone doesn't call me and say congratulations, like you've survived another year a kid's birthday. That doesn't even clock to me that it's you surviving another year, Like, don't even think about it. To me, a kid's birthday has nothing to do with the fact that you've kept it alive for another year. A kid's birthday to me is like, oh, they're they're celebrating and their special day.

Well, it's really funny because like when Marley had her first birthday, we had a big birthday party for Mali, like you know.

It was for you being like, well, yeah, we had a big.

Birthday and I was pregnant with Lola, and I remember having this moment where I was like, Marley is never going to remember a single bit of this.

This is not about Maley.

This is about us doing one year of parenting like this is And you know, it was all our friends.

She's one, She had no friends, so it's.

Not there was no kids, get some friends.

Yeah, her cousins came over, but they were also one for.

Just to be there through family connections, you know what I mean.

So like she just didn't get it.

So then when it came to Lola's first birthday party, we were like, we're not going to have one because like she doesn't remember. So now we only do birthday parties that are like actual birthday parties from about three years old, because like I don't know, I'm kind of like, what's the It's expensive and what's the point. But yes, I think first birthdays that's not a celebration of I

Yeah, what just happened to you?

Yeah?

Yeah? Okay, if you guys don't celebrate in one.

People are going to come for us for that for sure. People gonna be like, fucking Brittany's worse, aren't you?

Maybe me too? I mean, I'm look, Yeah, you.

Didn't even through your own kid a birthday. You're worse.

I didn't even tell my kid it was their birthday.

They also lie to mart that's financially savvy.

No I no.

I told her eventually, but I was at work, so I didn't want her to like. I didn't want to be like, happy birthday, Mum's going to work. So I just told her on the weekend that it was her birthday, and then sheged to have the whole day.

I changed the day. That's brilliant.

Yeah.

I think if your kids too, you can change the day. They don't know.

Lola thinks she's two, not four. She doesn't know how, she doesn't know what wakes up. Okay, last question. My husband and I have been together for five years when we first started dating, we had super great sex. Over time, I have found that my sex drive has lowered while his is still extremely high. He thinks we have to have sex every single day and complains if we miss a day or two. He'll say he just can't remember the last time we did it. That was in quotations,

This is such a hard question to answer, not as hard as him. Look, it's a really hard question to answer because I understand the way that you feel in terms of like that duality between like I don't want to disappoint but also I don't want to do something I don't want to do. And at the end of the day, the main and most important message is like, if you don't want to have sex, you should not

I think it's important to note here that it is in fact not normal to have sex every day in a long term relationship like that. You are the minority if you are having sex every day, and it is amazing if you are having sex every day, and both of you want that, but I think let's setting the precedent of saying that it's normal in a long term relationship is actually not. Ben and I don't even have sex every day when we see each other, and that's after months of not seeing each other, like.

It's but there's no also I agree with it, but there's also no compromise in this. This expectation that if you haven't had sex every day that you have to catch up like this has become an obligation for you. And the more that sex becomes an obligation, the less that you're going to enjoy it. It's not surprising to me that your sex drive is decreasing and his hasn't changed. But there's a real imbalance that's happening here. And you've tried the you know, being nice and having like a

That's an unfair expectation on me.

Yeah, sex debt is not a thing.

It's not a thing.

It doesn't exist, and thank you.

Yeah, the more I think about it, the bigger the eckis that I have to me.

I can't stress enough that if you were in this position, that you've chosen this life partner, you are married and you do not want to have sex, that doesn't have to be a conversation where you have to joke around or you don't know how to navigate it. It doesn't have to be a huge deal, but it's a conversation that you should feel comfortable having. You should be able to say, hey, do you know what, I really don't want sex every single day. It's not that I don't

And I just debate. I completely agree.

And this idea of like you don't want to hurt someone's feelings or you don't want them to feel rejected. I understand why you feel that way, but you are not responsible for his reaction to you saying that you don't want to have sex with him on one or two occasions. It's different if you were rejecting every single advance and he was like, I'm trying here and you

That's fucked like.

You should be able to say I'm not in the mood tonight without fear of them playing the rejected card or playing the feelings hurt card, and I think a

Becomes, well, it's a need for me. I need to have sex every day.

There are actually a lot of studies on this biologically not true.

People do not need to have sex every day, regardless of gender, regardless of sex drive.

It is not a need.

And I think a lot of the time when these start to turn really toxic, that type of communication of well, I want to have sex more. If you're not going to give it to me, I'll have to find it somewhere else. And I think that can almost be a little bit of, like you said, a manipulation technique and a threat of like, well, if you're.

Not going to put out for me, I will find.

It in some other way.

Yeah, and I do I want to imply that that's what this person is going to do.

Yeah, that I've jumped to there, but like he can masturbate totally, you know, Like I just think that so many times, And I have friends that are in this position, and I've heard of conversations that they have had with their partner where it's like, well, you know, I'm wanting it from you, so that's a good thing.

I'm not, you know what I mean.

It's really grow very very disgusting language, but I think it's more common than what many people may really.

He knows, he knows it is not normal to have sex every day. Every single man knows that it is not normal in a long term relationship to have sex every day. So if he all he has to do is go and ask any one of his friends in a group hout many times a week do you guys have sex? How many times? How well are you having sex? He's using that against you one hundred ccent And I'm not saying this to say he's a bad person. We don't even know him. My angle is not here to

And I think the big take home from this is like sex is not an obligation and he is not entitled to it, and you do not have to play catch up like and the fact that you feel as though you do speaks about the way that he approaches sex because he has made you feel like you owe him these things or he's going to be but hurt and feel rejected. That says a lot about his emotional you know, his eq not about and the state of how he views sex, rather than actually what's going on

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