Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never seated. We pay our respects to their elders past and present.
Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was recorded on gadigal Land. Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life. I'm can't, I'm Laura, I'm Brittany, and this is our Thursday episode in case you've forgotten what day of the week it is, but it's where we answer or You're deep, you're dark, and you're burning questions.
I had a really cute moment this week, guys, and I want to share it because I think it's people are going to be like cringing in their shoes here, but I want to talk about kindness.
And I'm just I paused for dramatic effect. Kindness is important. I love it. This is a really pivotal, pointant moment in your life.
Actually, like, somebody did something really kind for me this week, and the fact that it has happened so rarely, I was like, Wow, it really stopped me in my tracks. And of course people are kind all the time, but let me just tell you the story. I went on Facebook, Marketplace now. Facebook Marketplace is a deep dark.
I fucking loved it. I love it.
I've bought so much shit on Facebook Marketplace recently. The amount of plants I have bought off Facebook Marketplace is that where you get your plans from.
I got a.
Variegated monsterra from Facebook Marketplace, and like, they are expensive, but this anyway, I don't need to get into that they're expensive, but I got a really good price and the woman even dropped it off at my house.
I was like, the service paid a bit extra for that.
How awkward can marketplace be? You know, when like you're trying to sell some or pick it up. I hate it. It's that awkward exchange of like you've paid thirty dollars for a toaster, You've had to drive four hours to get it.
It's like, why am I doing this?
Okay, It's that like you're meeting a stranger to swap goods.
It's weird.
So we had a coffee table in our house that I was like, Matt was away and I was like that fucking coffee table has to go, and today is the day that I'm going to get rid of it. So I put it up on Facebook Marketplace. I was like, free to good home, just come and take take it. And this English guy who was around the corner. In no way was I like, Oh, I don't want this
in my house. I'm worried about my safety. He was just like very normal dude who had his wife was like living around the corner, and she wanted she wanted the coffee table. But I couldn't get rid of the guy. He came into my house and instead of just helping me lift it up and walk out the door, he just stood there having a chat. Twenty five minutes later, I was like, mate, let's go, Like this.
Is meant to be a quick transaction, but then this is weird, right, Like you have a strange man in your house essentially, Yeah, why do we still feel like we need to be polite enough to like have that conversation, like offer him a tea, sit down and chat.
Why can't we just say, hey, mate, take the table. I'm never gonna see you again in my entire life. I'm I'm never going to see you again. We don't do it. We like fluff around and we feel guilty and we want to know their whole less story. I know, I don't know.
He was like telling me about why I was here, and like his wife's having a bad and it was lovely, Like I'm happy for him.
But you're like I don't care.
But I was like, if I knew this was going to take so long, I wouldn't have said it was free, okay, I would have made you pay for it.
Iime was money. I also find it really awkward.
I remember once I was felling a table that's right being away for free.
And I got an Englishman to go pick it up with.
I was selling table and I remember, because I was living alone, I always felt awkward and it was a guy that came in.
But that awkwardness of like when someone tries to barter with me.
In person, if it's my worst and it's you're a keyboard warrior, like I will go you. But when it's in person and it's like four hundred dollars he's like i'll give you fifty, I'm like okay, sure, he's like there's a scratch fifty. I'm like, nowherries because I feel guilty. So you took you no, I I dam much less. I didn't, but I did take less because I felt bad because I just can't have that interaction. I don't
know what the confrontation like, I can't do it. I often I did this the other day actually in person. I'll agree to it, and then I'll go home and send a text and I'll say, hey, I think we misunderstood, and I go back on. Anyway, talk to me about kindness.
Bread.
So I was picking up some boogie boards, like some bodyboards.
Not for myself. I'm not taking up bodyboarding. It's really into a boogie body No.
My niece and nephew are starting to surf like bodyboard. And there were these body boards for fifty bucks.
They were really good.
They came with a whole set with like fins and flippers and like leashes, and it was probably worth like five hundred bucks and sale for fifty dollars. So I went to pick it up, and when I got there, he was like, oh, I wasn't expecting you to be the one that wants to bodyboard, you know what I mean.
I wasn't sit you to want a kid's bodyboard. That's so weird.
They're not kids.
They were pretty big, okay, right, but so the kids are gonna have to grow into them. They're not kids' bodyboards. They were proper, which is why they were so expensive. And he's like, oh, I just wasn't expecting you. I just thought that'd be like a bodyboard. And I was like, mane, you don't even know. Asus didn't say that, but I
wanted to internal monologue. So I was like, oh, no, that's actually for my niece and nephew, like they're really trying to get into bodyboarding, and you know, I told them I was going to pick them up and they're going to be so excited.
And he was like no way.
He's like, I love kids that want to get out there and just give it a go.
And I was like right, and he's like, do you know what, I'm going to give this to.
You for free? And I was like what, No, you don't have to do that, Like I'll pay fifty bucks.
He's like no, if it's going to encourage a kid to get out there, and you're encouraging the kids to get out there, I'm give them you for free.
Took the whole thing and I got all the bodyboards for free.
So moral of the story is be super hot and rock up to pick ups on me. So a guy on basement, it was if you, if you were an unattractive middle aged man who went to pick it up, and we're like, I'm getting this for my kids.
Nods the kids, Laura, Mate, it's okay.
The gender gap exists, so we need to take it where we can win. Like we're losing in the financial circumstances usually.
No. I think the moral of the story is anything you buy, say it's for the kids.
I mean I say it a lot because it actually is for the kids. Ain't no one giving shit to me for free. They look at me and they're like, wedding ring. You look like you've had two kids out of you. Not giving you anything. I'm gonna get nothing at it. They looked at you and they were like, no ring.
Nephew, I see where you're going. Yeah, he was married, though it doesn't matter a lot of people.
Did you see that thing that went viral last week from Florida? Of course, all of the craziest things in the entire world come out of Florida. There were that's an exchange about Facebook marketplace where there was a couple of leg This went on TikTok and it was a screenshot of a conversation and they were kind of bartering back and forth at the start, and then the message from the person who was selling the item said available when question mark. The next message said I work m
dash F and get home around nine ish. And then the person who was responding to this, the person who was purchasing the item, sent a voice note in response, and this is what they said.
I don't know if you met the motherfucker in a good way or a bad way, but if you met it in a good way, fuck you, okay, because I send you a fucking answer for something you told me yesterday. So let's get a little fucking respect going, because I can be just as big as an asshole. Your stupid fuck. All I'm trying to fucking do is by some piece of shit that you're selling. What the hell? But let's start fucking respecting people.
Man, Well that escalator, Can I pick up a when you made Monday to Friday?
Mo fuck up?
So quickly?
Like imagine the time when you realize, like when that person who was selling it rights back and says, oh, no, I met Monday to Friday. Imagine that thought process, the realization that actually you got it wrong. Do you need tomorrow or do you just ghost? That would be a ghosting situation. No, I think you'd right back in hysterics.
You'd be like, I'm so sorry, I thought you called me a motherfucker? Is the person who took someone's Calamario play last week? That's different calls on a motherfucker? That was Yeah, I own that. I stand by that decision.
I think he would have just been like, do you know what, I don't need that boogie board for fifty bucks that bad?
And he would have just left it.
Now because market plays fines their little gold mines, and they're hard.
When you come across the thing you really want, he's going to have to apologize.
I mean, I get was there a resolution? We don't know.
I mean people on TikTok are asking for what happened next. But I understand where it comes from because it sounds as though if you read it as I work, motherfucker and get home at nine ish, it's like he's.
Trying to say, like, I've got shit to.
Do, unlike you, I'm not just fucking driving around picking up things from marketplace all day.
It goes. I took that as I work Monday to Friday. Totally.
We're saying that if you had interpreted it as motherfucker.
That's what it sounds like.
Yes, but why why.
Would you interpret it when you're having a beautiful exchange on like you're literally working out of time, so you're like, hey, I work, motherfucker.
Why would you say Well?
I think because they've been bartering about the price.
If that makes he's thinking that he's responding to him saying I want it for less, you know.
Like hilarious, fucking hilarious.
Anyway, I'm glad your market Plaice experience was a lot better.
Full of kindness.
Well, I thought mine was full of kindness and then you shot me in the foot, Laura. I just think it was full of kindness and hotness. I just think the hotness counts for something. I think that every time people can be kind as well without wanting to bang.
Yeah, I am skeptical.
People are really kind to people they want to fuck. Let's get into vibes, all right, what is your vibe for the week? Speaking this week about Donald Trump? I feel like this is going to be something that some people might be interested in. It's a podcast series that I was listening to to better understand what is happening, because it can be quite confusing.
You get a lot of headlines. It's called Trump's trial. That's literally the podcast is dedicated to this. It's hosted by a political editor.
But every week.
They have like a different legal expert come on, or multiple different people. So like in the last episode that I had that I listened to, there were three different people's opinions.
That came on.
They're quite bite sized, they're quite small.
The last one that was actually on, the conviction was like half an hour. And it's just in a way that's really palatable.
You understand what.
It doesn't go into anything, it doesn't need to go into, and I just found it a really nice way to understand.
And educate yourself on what's happening.
Well. Also, American politics can be so convoluted and sometimes it is a system that functions fundamentally different to how it does here in Australia. Is it just around Trump? Is it this podcast just around his criminal cases? Just this okay, just around Trump's and the trial. Let me read you some of the headlines so you understand, has the prosecution proved its case against Trump? Testimony in hush money trial concludes.
These are all like half an hour twenty minutes, eight minutes, sixteen minutes.
They're very much as you go, what is happening?
Imagine listening to all this and then being that person at any sort of party or dinner party where you're like, let me update you on what's happening in Trump's life.
Totally.
Here are the three possible outcomes in the Trump hush money trial.
So your son so educated and smart.
If you behold, I am shock her not you listening to this and then using it as information at a dinner party.
I thought you just said to me so smart.
I'm like, thanks, losing to take the kindness wherever she can get Trump's trial.
Do you have any interest whatsoever?
And you enjoyed the episode that we did on Tuesday, This is few perfect.
My vibe for this week. It's on Netflix and it's probably the number one trending show. It only came out last Wednesday. We were sent a lot of messages about it because it is definitely something that all three of us would be really into.
It's called Dancing for the Devil the Seven m TikTok Cult. So it's a three part docu series.
The episodes are about forty five minutes each from memory something around there, and it starts off with the story of these two sisters. You may actually know them because they were really Instagram famous and TikTok famous, the Wilking Sisters, they were the dancing sisters.
Yes, yeah, I've seen parts of this story. It's so interesting. Yeah, so Melanie and Miranda.
There are other episodes and it kind of goes into quite a few different people's stories and it gets a little bit darker as it progresses.
But basically, there's this church. It's run by a guy called Robert.
Shin and they turn it into this kind of like talent management agency. It's quite strange. Essentially, there are all of these dance influences. There's quite a few of them. They were really famous on social media. They also went on things like So You Think You Can Dance and all the American talent shows. They got signed by this agency.
And as it turns out, as the story unravels, it becomes very increasingly clear that they're a part of this cult and a part of the teachings of the church kind of link into what the percentage of what they've got to give of what they earn back to this guy Robert and the church organization. It's quite convoluted, but they make it really really clear. And the main kind of story at the start has.
To do with these sisters, because.
All of her family are on this documentary being like, we love her, she's completely changed, we have next to no contact with her now. We just want her back, but she's really brainwashed by this cult leader and she is still a part of the cult. It's so I mean, I haven't seen this, but I've seen a lot of
the information around it. It would be so jarring as well for people who have followed them and who know of these sisters to think that one of them has just been sucked up in a world that she's now inaccessible to her own family.
It's also classic cult storyline, isn't it like every cult docuseries that you has a family member saying they're a completely different person. They've gone off the rails. I can't contact them, and it's because they've been groomed and brainwashed and shut out.
And I think that that is I actually do that really really well in this because they'd get the stories of quite a few different people, and some of them were these famous dances, but others were like normal people, and you guys have spoken to a lot of people who have been a part of cults. India Oxenburg comes to mind, and she spoke about how the people who run these cults often look for the broken bird, They look for the person who is quite easy to manipulate.
I really think this docuseries did a good job of showing just how easily anyone can be conditioned and anyone can be brainwashed. And I think it's quite interesting that this is not yet like there are multiple lawsuits out against this guy, Robert and quite a few of the other people who are involved in the church, but this is happening almost in real time.
Like they recorded the last part of this at the end of twenty twenty three. So this is available on Netflix. Yeah, yeah, it came out last Wednesday. Dancing for the Devil, the seven m TikTok Cult. Okay, I have a very functional vibe today.
And as you guys know from Tuesday's episode, we currently have a house that is leaking everywhere, and currently that we are, you know, across the country heading into winter or are we in winter?
We're officially in winter. It's winter now.
First week it is wet, and I think a lot of people during these months deal with having increased moisture in the house. Now it is a product, it is very easily accessible. It is called the Hippo Moisture Absorber. You can get them from woolies or coals, but they're basically that little plastic box that you put them into your wardrobe or into a cupboard space. We currently have them all around the front room and they are so effective if you don't have a dehumidifire in actually trying
to take the moisture out of the room. Highly recommend they have come in as little God send to us. And because they're so cheap, I would say that if you're someone who gets their jackets and things out of the wardrobe at the end of winter or like you know, halfway through summer and realize that you've got mill draw or mole growing on them, this is something you need to have in your wardrobe.
I've had them for using my wardrobe because I live in Bondai and in Bondai everything well, everything's down, but everything's dark, and so I've had them for years.
They're great. Yes, yeah, so good. Anyway, that's it from us, guys. Let's get into the Questions, Question number one.
Okay, I have a problem. I have been friends with my bestie since primary school. We're in our early twenties now, and about six months ago, I was staying at her house and I accidentally slept with her brother.
You don't accidentally sleep with someone. She fell away, but.
They fell and tripped. We'd had a few drinks. I honestly don't know how it happened, but it just did. I didn't say anything to her because I felt bad and thought that it would never happen again.
But oh, you fucked you slept again. That she's clumsy, slippery, She's slippery, It's super slippery.
Bye.
We have started sort of sleeping together now, and I'm pretty sure I have feelings.
Oh no, you have to tell her. Ah, I'm in so deep. What do I do?
How do I know if it's worth seeing him seriously and risking the awkwardness with this whole family that I've known my entire life. And if I don't decide that it's serious, do I still tell my friend regardless? Oh, you can't be that clumsy around your best friend's brother.
Oh can you me?
Oh?
Because I'm because I'm putting myself in this situation, and it's it's tough because I know people who they didn't slip and fall, but I know people that ended up marrying their friend's brother.
Yeah, but I think they did that the right way. Like I think that they there was a conversation first, Like I have feelings. I think it was.
Yes, it was very obvious, like hey, I think there's something there, blah blah blah blah.
It was a consensual between Bessie's families, partners. Everything was consensual.
But like if it was one time, I would say, just don't bother, like take it to the grave.
If you accidentally slept with my brother, would you never tell me?
Nah?
Ever?
Nah if I tell you if I had sex to your brother, and I thought you were going to be mad because some people don't care, right, Some people are like whatever, that's weird, but sure, And then some people are weirdly protective of their siblings and their immediate family, Like I wouldn't care, Like if you wanted to have my brother is t he's I think he's twenty nine.
Now come, actually I should know your brother's gay, but he's very gay and he's married to a man, So I don't think he would want to have sex with you, so I can't. I would be more confused if you guys had sex with each other, but like I wouldn't be mad.
I don't care, do you know what I mean?
I don't think she's going to be upset because of friends with a brother. I might be reading between the lines. I don't think that's going to be the problem. I think the problem is more that you've been doing it for six months behind her back.
It's gone too far now. But now you have to be honest now. I think you regardless of whether it happens or it doesn't happen, I think you do have to talk to your friend about it.
I had a friend that hooked up with my brother and my brothers once.
Actually think it happened a few times when we're younger, because my brothers I have two brothers that are older them. Of course it's found to happen. And I also hooked up with their friends too. Can't blame you, guys.
But it was it was awkward.
When I knew my friend had hooked up with my brother, I was like cool, I hated it.
I was like, it's so.
Awkward to me because you know, your siblings on a different and I guess as an adult, it sounds amazing. Like the ideal situation is if like your best friend or forever was with your brother and it became your family forever.
That sounds like an epic situation.
But you also don't want to hear about the intricacies of their sex life. Yeah, you don't want to hear about the fights they have. The things that you share with your girlfriends about their boyfriends or about their partners, you can't share the same level of that when they're dating your brother.
It does change things.
And also, yeah, you can't be like you put in my mud lessner You're like, oh, Bro.
I don't want to hear I don't hear about that about bro.
Literally.
Yeah, But I think the other part of this is, and I maybe it's where most people when I say that, there are some people who really get upset by this.
What it is that makes them upset.
It's not so much like this feeling of betrayal, but it's almost like, and I'm not going to it's not jealousy.
Jealousy is not the right description for it.
But it's like, you're my friend, our relationship is so close and now you're going to have a even closer, slash different relationship with my brother. There's this feeling of being the person that's triangulated from the relationship, which you kind of this is what happens. But you were my best friend, and I guess, like that is step mine. You were mine, like you were my friend, and now you're going to be best friends with my brother, Like what?
And then what if you guys break up? Then you're going to ruin our friendship because you guys break up. Like I guess, there's many layers, and so I do want to say I understand why for some people it's a no go zone. But okay, let's just peel this back and start from the beginning. You did it once. You didn't think you're going to tell it because you thought it was an accident. You didn't want to make a big deal about it. It's clearly not an accident anymore.
It's clearly something that you're voluntarily to do, me to do, and you're sneaking behind her backs that she doesn't know, and so is he when she finds out, which she probably will. These things always have a way of coming out at some point in time. She's going to be more mad that you lied to her about it than what she will be about the fact that you've had sex with her brother. I think so the way I would approach this is I would speak to him first.
I would have a conversation of like, look, this could end very badly for us. I love your sister, you love your sister. We need to have a conversation around what is this. Is this just a casual thing and we're both super sexually attracted to each other, or is something more here? Because I think that it will need to be approached differently depending on whether there are real feelings involved.
Yeah, you one hundred percent need to know where you're going, because he could just think it's just sex and not what anything else and might not have the feelings that you have. Or maybe he does have the feelings and he's the love of your life and you're going to get married and live happily ever after.
But also I think you need to remember if you've been friends with him for this long and you've never ever ever thought of him romantically, like you've known him since you were a kid, you've never thought of it, like when.
You can't have those feelings in primary school totally.
But when you catch the D sometimes you also catch the feelings. He might not be real. Well, you call the hormones.
You caught the B, then you caught the D.
Then you caught the F. Like he's the B bestie's first, Oh than the dick. Best is dick feelings, feelings word. That is the foundation ladies and gentlemen for a really solid relationship.
I would have gone with FDF friends dick feelings. What did I say? Best is? You said BB? It best is? Yeah? Anyway it continue.
So look, I think, but I genuinely think, regardless, you need to tell her. It's just what you're telling her, because if you've been hooking up for six months, that is going to come out at some point, whether it's years down the tracks, someone's going to say something. The brother's going to be like, you know, I fucked Betty once, right, you know, hooked up or whatever.
It's going to slip out. It it's going to table like it slipped into you. It's going to sleep out. Accidents happen.
So I think, have the conversation with him and decide what you want, like if you don't, and I genuinely mean this if you don't think you want a relationship with him, I would stop sleeping with him because your best friend is going to be really upset. And if it's not going anywhere, you're not gaining anything other than a good couple of minutes, and that's probably accurate, a
good couple of minutes that you could get elsewhere. Like if it's just sex, even if it's not going somewhere, I think I would tell her maybe you can wind it down how much or how frequently or how often, because that might hurt. But it's important that you know there's something's been going on, because she's going to feel very like you've been sneaking around behind her back because you have.
And I also think it's a different conversation if you went to your friend and you said, hey, look, this is going to be weird for you, but I want to be honest with you because I love you.
I have feelings for your brother.
As I was putting myself in this situation saying it to you, and I certainly don't have feelings for your brothers, but like if you know, if you did, yes, I know, like it would just be it's such an awkward chat, like I have feelings for your brother.
You know this has happened.
I know that this maybe will upset you, but like, I want you to know that the reason why I'm talking to you about it is because it's something that I feel seriously about.
I think, Okay, if I DAMMN, I.
Think that she will feel differently about that than if you were to go to her and say, hey, I don't really have feelings with your brother, but he's my fuck buddy and we're going to con and we're going to continue doing that. Because as a friend, I would be like, Okay, cool, I get that this means nothing to you, but our friendship means a lot to me, and you're risking our friendship by potentially creating drama with
my brother. So which when drama, which means that like when it all finishes, and if it finishes messally, you're not able to come around to the house anymore, or you avoid things, or you just you've created a situation where it could have a negative impact on your friendship, I guess, And so I understand why she would respond differently depending on what the scenario is. So figure out how you actually feel.
And it's like we say this same thing when people are write in about like and I remember this one particular ask gun cut this one woman that I'm thinking of. She wrote in like she was the other woman. She was having an affair with a married band. She wasn't in a relationship he was. And I remember her saying, you know, I don't feel bad, it's fun.
I enjoy it.
I don't want anything with him, he doesn't want anything with me. And I remember my advice then because I feel the same way about it.
She was like, I'm not doing anything wrong.
If it doesn't mean anything to you, go fuck someone else. That's what I wanted to say to that woman. I was like, you've said you don't have feelings, you've said it's nothing, it's never going to be anything else. Then there's a hundred other people you could go and have sex with where you're not breaking down their whole marriage totally. I feel the same way in this situation, in the sense of if it's just sex, then you could probably get it somewhere else.
But I do think your friend needs to know.
Okay, here's a question though, Like let's move beyond this exact situation. Do you think it is reasonable for someone to be angry at their friend for having sex with a sibling.
I had sex with my brother's friend, so we date it.
I can handle my heart say, I've never had sex with any of my and a brother had sex friends my friend. Okay, and so were you annoyed? Just were you just weird a out, just weird? But did it change your friendship at all?
No?
Did it change his friendship at all?
Now, it was weird at the time because I remember it was my brother's friend that had been It was weird. It didn't last because I felt like he was like my brother. He'd been in you know, the brothers that you've grown up with him the whole life.
That's exactly like this situation.
Yeah, since I was five years old, right, this guy was in my life as my older brother's best friend.
So I always just thought it was he was just part of our family all time. He comes to Christmases and then came over one day and you were like.
All right, Well, no, one day we had a house party and we hooked up, and I was like, oh, maybe this is the FDF like friends dick fuck.
But we walked up.
We didn't sleep together that night, which we just kissed and I was like, wow, and then he asked me on a date. He's like, I've got feelings for you. And I don't know to this day how he went about that. I don't know if he went to my brother and asked him more, but he must have. But I'll never forget. It just completely changed. He used to just come over and walk in the house, but the second he was taking me on a date, he came
and knocked on the door. Dane answered and he was like, Oh, I'm actually here to see Britt, Like.
So that's so funny. And we went out for like a week and I was We both looked at each other one night, We're like, this is so weird. I was like, we can't do it, and we.
Just called It does change things, and I think that's the other thing. You can't fool yourself into thinking that everything's just going to be the same. So that's why she's probably gonna have some reactions. She's probably going to be weired out by it a bit because it will change a dynamic within your friendship slightly, even if it shouldn't. The only thing is is that the thing she's going to be the most upset about is the being lied to.
All right.
Question number two, is it okay to ghost old friends that you've outgrown? I can say no after the first question for the first line, but I'll give you the rest of it. First context, I'm in a group chat with the few girls that I went to high school with ten years ago. I am close with one, used to be close with two of them, and then the
other I just haven't really ever connected with. Every now and again, the chat pops up about making plans, and I never really feel interested in being involved with them. I feel like I have to respond and make up a reason for not joining.
I am asking is it okay to just ghost the chat?
It feels harsh, but I can't say, oh, sorry, guys, I'm kind of just outgrowing this group. The hard bit is that one of the girls I want to preserve my friendship with, and of course I don't want to see mean to the other.
How do I approach this? Okay, We've had.
This like friendship chat, like the basis of the chat, in so many different ways over the years, because this is a reoccurring theme. And I get why it's a recurring theme because at some point all of us go through it, like at some point grow a friendship totally. It is a part of life, like without doubt, there is no one that goes through this life that doesn't ever outgrow a friendship in some capacity.
You don't ghost the chat.
First of all, they get an alert Brittany has left anymore.
That's changed.
So many group chats.
When I get so WhatsApp has changed it, they no longer announce to everyone Britain has left. But you can still see members of the chat, like someone can still find if you've if you haven't been riding back.
I'm still in it.
So like the old street I used to live on, it has a group chat for the street. I'm still in the group the group chat, I'm still in the group chat for the street.
You can leave that.
I can leave that. You left the street, so I'm no longer in that street. I'm not on Rose Street. I don't need to be in the road street. How many people are in the chat like fifteen? Oh, but no one's noticing you go babe, some saucy shit goes down on that street.
I do enjoy the GHSS.
Why don't you mute it and stay in it and just go have a little deep dive every now and again.
I reckon someone is going to listen to this podcast, so I'm going to get yeated. Laura has been blocked, just removed from the group chat. Guys, Laura for the goss I am, I really am. I like to know who left their car lights on of such a nerd.
So I truly believe in this situation, it's okay that you feel more connected to one friend. I don't think you necessarily need to leave this chat. You could be like me, who is in a lot of chats and doesn't contribute. You know, there's different people in a group chat. There's the one that organizes everything, the one that's constantly sending memes. Then there's a person that doesn't contribute anything ever,
but they're always there. They're lurking, and then every couple of weeks they throw in something that's me.
It's okay to do that, and then it's okay to.
Still have your friendship with the girl that you feel closer with on the side, like, you don't have to only do things as a group. You can constantly be hanging out with her and very sporadically once a month or whatever do.
Something with the group.
I think unless you like detest someone and something has happened and you never need to see them again.
I agree.
I mean, like, look, I definitely firstly just want to say it's never a good idea to just ghost people, whether it's a friend, whether it's a relationship. I think it leaves people feeling as though they have done something wrong and that they have done something to warrant you just removing your friendship from them, and that's really unfair, and it can be a really cruel I mean it is, it's not can be it's a really cruel way to treat people.
Let's all just not ghost people. It's not appropriate. I think you can slow fade.
I think you can slow fade, and that is I mean, that's ghosting in some way. But I think it is a little bit kinder, especially in terms of like some friendships, especially when it's a group friendship. If it was specifically targeted to one person from that group and you wanted to stay friends with everyone, and you were like, I just don't want that one person, I'd be like, that's actually really fucking mean. You don't have to be super
close with everyone in a group of friends. You can you can have one person or three people that you're closer with and one person that you don't connect with as much. That's just the reality of having a group
of friends. I do think that this is probably more something that becomes more prevalent after you leave school, because you might have your school friends, and then as you move through different phases of life, you realize, oh, actually, when we're not in an environment where we have to all be friends with each other, there are some people
that connect with more than other people. And I guess the thing is is you just exactly like you said, Britt, you can still have those closer connections in a private chat, but just dip in, like, I'm sure this group chat is not causing you that much anguish that you never ever ever want to be of friends with any of them in there. And also, my thing is if you completely ghost this group chat, if you behave in a
way that's quite mean. Really, they're gonna still do stuff together, and that one person who you do really want to still be friends with might not really do things with you because they're still friends with the other girls. I don't feel the way that you feel, So they're not going to triangulate themselves in that situation.
I don't know.
I just think if it's not causing your grief and it requires minimal effort, then I would maintain it myself and probably over time it would fade anyway in a way that probably doesn't quite feel so dramatic, but I definitely wouldn't be just going I've said my last message and I'm never going to message the group again and blocking it. I don't think we need to be that dramatic with our friends.
No. I think it's like every three weeks you just throw a loll in, double tap something, throw a loll yeah, and then you can exit. You know, you just enter quick like hopefully there's gonna be something in there that you would have laughed at low hopefully no one's saying that their grandma passed away, and then you leave the chat.
That happens.
So if you're not an active member in a group chat and you haven't been in there for a while, you missed like terrible things and then you come in with like, hey, guys, how is everyone And someone's just said like their grandma died or something, and.
You just you know, it didn't even look Yeah, on your street, someone's bins have been stolen.
Like, if you don't know that you pop into the.
Group, I'm a lurker. I never ever comment anymore. They don't know I'm in there, they know you're there. You just like Also, I think it's it's really important to establish your role in the group because, like, my friends now know what I'm like. They know that I I'm not an overly great communicator via text. They know that they might have to which is I'm not proud of.
But they might follow up on something and then I'm like, oh, yep, sorry're sorry, sorry, But they know that I've established my role in the group.
Text because that you're a bad friend. I'm a bad friend. My role is the bad friend role. But what I'm saying is they don't take it personally.
If there's four or five people that are back and forth, back and forth, back and forth and I'm not in it, they don't think Brittany's not contributing. They just know what I'm like. They know I'm reading it and I'm around and I'm across it, and if it's anything important, of course, I'm going Alright.
The only thing I want to add to this, and it's something that we actually touched on last week's ask on caut You don't have to be friends with people you don't want to be friends with. You don't have to do things that you don't want to do. Right, You don't have to go on and go to these plans if they're doing a group activity. If you're not getting anything out of the friendship anymore, that's okay. We have phases of life for friendships. But there is a
kind way to go about it. And like, you may not be as close friends with them, but they might consider you a really, really good friend. They might care about your friendship a lot more than you care about the friendship. So think about the impact that you have on people and how you leave them and how you
manage a relationship. And I just really think ghosting is it's such a cruel way to be and it just shows and makes people feel as though the relationship never was significant to them or to you in the first place.
Yeah, in this situation, you can definitely do both.
You don't have to ghost anyone and you can maintain your individual friendships.
Question number three.
My ex fiance and I were together for a few years in our early twenties, and we were each other's very first love. After a few years of no contact, we have remained friendly and kept in touch very ad hoc. Just found the updates A happy birthday.
Here and there. You get it. Not really. A couple of years ago, he.
Messaged out of the blue after a few years and said he had had a daughter.
His messages were friendly, and he didn't share the daughter's name, which seems like a bit of an odder mission. At the time, he and I had planned a family and we'd named our future kids, so I did wonder if he had used our name. He popped up again today and curiosity got the better of me, so I jumped on in and had a little look sie on Facebook. I discovered within ten minutes his daughter's name wasn't borrowed from the name that we wanted, but it was my name. He called his daughter my name.
Is that weird?
Many girls seem to be named after their father's ex girlfriends, crushes, and mistresses. This is something I've discovered since I've been doing a deep dive. Is this it actually a thing?
I don't think this is a thing.
Many girls seem to be named after their father's ex girlfriends, crushes, and mistresses.
So she went and did a really Yeah, she went and did her own research.
Right, she went and did She must have gone on read it or something imposed the question, and apparently she found out that a lot of women have been named after their father's exes or people in their lives, which I've never heard.
That's like some sort of whack Freudian shit right where you're like, I still have attachment to this person, it's no longer in my life. So I'm gonna name my daughter after someone who I had a sexual relatelationship with, and I still maybe are weird?
So many levels are weird? Well, I wonder, Okay, surely like the name I want need to know the name.
I didn't copy paste that people are anonymous here, Laura, we take that very seriously. But what I think here is like, if you were together that long and you were such a big part of each other's life, he's now moved on and gotten married and had a kid, his new wife one hundred percent knows who you are, which means she's also agreed. Either she knows who you are and she's agreed to call her daughter after his ex, or she doesn't know you existed. I have two options.
I think it has to be the later. There is no woman on this planet. I mean there probably is, but I doubt it they would want that on this planet. Who would want to name their child the name of their husband's ex fiance. Ye?
None ex fiance, there's none. It doesn't exist. Like that's not a real thing. So she must not be aware or separately either what's happened is he's brought up the name and being like, hey, let's name the child this, which I think that is obviously real, fucking weird. Or she has brought up the name so maybe it's a common name. Just say your name, I don't know whatever. Maybe your name is Brittany and she okay, maybe your name's Laura four. So maybe she was one who was like,
I really like the name Laura. But he's managed to get through this far into their relationship and never really talked about the fact that he has an ex fiance.
You know, it's not this is what I don't get though, And this is a whole nother thing twan pack. It's not an ex girlfriend you had from high school. You were going to marry this person. Like, how do people get into a new relationship and not tell their partner that they were engaged or married before them.
I think it happens.
I think it's I mean, it's very difficult to not tell someone that you're married before them, because when you actually sign your marriage certificates, you have to outline whether you were or weren't married before it's you actually write what number marriage it is, and that's like part of your registration for your marriage certificates. But if it's just an extent, if it's just an ex fiance, you don't have to disclose that you were ever engaged.
Like why would you?
People could have been engaged. I mean, look at Jennifer Lopez. She's been engaged more times than to the same person. It's been Christmas.
But would you if you found out now this many years later, that Matt was engaged and you never knew, would you understand that he didn't tell you?
Would you be pissed off? Because I think I'd be like, why did you hide that?
I would be like, I would be absolutely ropable to me. It would be so unfathomable that I would feel as though he had deceived me. Because there's a big difference, right, A lot of people will say, oh, I didn't lie, I just didn't tell you. If you emit details so that your story is the version of what is the truth, If you admit so much of the truth that the story is now different, that's a lie, right. Not telling all the details is a lie. Ah, I didn't I
didn't cheat on you. I just didn't tell you. That's a lie.
So I don't know.
I would feel as though if I was this. I mean, we've kind of changed.
The question now, but it's fascinating.
I would feel betrayed if I found out that my husband was and had been engaged before and didn't tell me. He might say, Oh, it's because he felt like it was totally insignificant, And maybe it is insignificant to him now. I'm not saying that he's kept it a secret because he's actually still holding onto this romance with his person, or he's pining for her. He might never want to talk about it or never want to like relive that
moment in life. But I guess the thing is, when you do choose to spend your life with someone, you want to know their past to better understand the person that they are. Those are pretty critical parts of their story that I would want to know.
I had a friend that was married. She got married quite young. A couple of years later they divorced and split up. Fast forward quite a long time, probably eight years. She met someone else and got engaged, and it came up in conversation one day that she hadn't told him that she was ever married. And I was like, and this was two years into relations, and I couldn't I was like, what do you mean you've never told him
you're married. She's like, oh, just hasn't come up. I was like, that comes up like that, that is a that was a huge part of your life, Like you married someone like that means someone meant that much to you and you spend all these time together. I couldn't understand it, and I she ended up having to tell him because they got married, so for exactly the reasons you said.
But it was a bit of a weird moment where he was like, well, how did you not tell me you were married?
Because it does change something. It doesn't change that they want to be with you. It's not that it changes that, but it changes like, wow, you I didn't know that you had met someone in your life that you thought could have been forever, like you had that connection and that.
I didn't know that you actually gone to the point of proposing to someone or saying I do to someone. Yeah, I feel exactly the same as you. I think it's very odd. People do odd things all the time though, so nothing surprises me. But in this, going back to your specific question around is it strange, Yes, it's very strange to me.
Doesn't mean anything. Does it mean anything? Not?
No, that's the bigger and more important thing. Doesn't mean that he's still pining over you, doesn't mean that he's still in love with you. I don't think he is trying to emulate you in his child, you know, Like it's a weird thing that he did. It's a weird thing that he chose that name. But I would guarantee that he doesn't look at his child and think of you.
Also, you don't know that his new wife's mum's name's not Lauren. Total names not Lauren, or she has a grandma that was the most important thing during the world is called Lauren.
Like, you just don't know the reasons, and I wouldn't be.
Reading into this like it's obviously got you thinking, and I don't know if you're thinking, like what does this mean? But my overarching thought is I have three thoughts. One not normal, Two doesn't mean anything. Three controversial. I'd probably stop sporadically texting each other. Like if you've both moved on and you're married and it was that many years ago and you've had kids, I always wonder, like, what are you getting from that?
What are you getting from every two years? Hey, how are you good?
That'd be birthday back in Like, you don't need to hear from someone on their birthday both of your lives have moved on.
I totally agree, I find and I don't know if everyone would agree with this.
I'm sure some people don't.
I find the happy birthday text when you have been broken up for years and don't speak to each other at all so unnecessary, Like you, you don't need to message me and say happy birthday to me if we haven't spoken for the rest of the year.
It does nothing except ruin your day because it puts that person fuck in your brain, even if you don't have feelings for them. You're like, great, so my birthday now, and I'm thinking of fuck face, I'm thinking of you that messaged like, for no reason, you don't speak to me any other time totally. Do you think I'm gonna have a better day now because you said happy birthday?
It's so shit.
It is strange though, when you think about it, it's so strange that you can be like, you can mean so much to someone and they can mean so much to you, and you think you're gonna spend your life with them, you're engaged to them, you have the names of your children chosen, and then they're just completely not a part of your life anymore. And it's just so weird how you can go from that level of intensity to just like.
But I get it. But I'm going to use this as an example. You guys all know Jordan, my ex. There have been moments where, like, he has won a huge tennis match, like he beat Rafael Nadal not that long ago.
Yeah, it was pre amazing, it's pre impressive. It was amazing.
And there was a moment where I picked up my phone to message him to say amazing, well done. You should be proud. Then I was like, what's that going to do? Like I am proud of him and I am stoked for him, and I've had to stop myself from doing that. And that's not because I have obviously any feelings for him or anything like that, but it was someone that I thought I'd spend my life with that did something amazing and that made me feel happy.
But you have to think, like, what's the point of that contact. It's not going to do anything.
He'd be like cool, Britney's proud of me, and then he'll probably be pissed off that I'm back in his message.
Yeah, and then what do you do? You exchange a few pleasantries and then you go back to your life. I wouldn't it probably wouldn't even write that. Hey, how weird would it be if you had a baby though, and your name to Jordan.
Imagine like you'd never.
Do it, Maddie j I'd be okay with that.
Little mini Maddie. No, that maybe feel awkward.
If you've got any weird name situations, like I want to hear those because they think it interesting.
Not even what are you named after?
But like did you find out that, like you're named after your dad's mistress?
Who knows?
How would you feel if like you started dating someone like you're feel in love and the name was like the exact same name of person.
Break out that has definitely happened to people, right, yeah, Or you're dating someone whose name is the same name as your brother that's also Dad Terry Byrne imagine that. Okay, anyways, moving run along.
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