Ask Uncut - Can I Date My Late Husband's Friend?

This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life. I'm Cad, I'm Laura, I'm Brittany, And if you're listening to this on Monday, there is a very good chance that I am in the South African jungle.

Yep.

Very exciting.

So we have it or is it exciting?

Well, it's exciting for Matt because it means he made it to the end. Not so exciting for you because it means you've got a very big trip with two very small children.

I'm just petrified of the long haul flight that has two layovers with two children through the night.

I think it is going to be hell.

On Earth one percent.

I don't want to like rub that in, but you're gonna hate your life for the next couple of days. But the way this works is so we are recording this a few days early because your life gets put on hold. You're on standby for a flight because obviously people don't know who's going to be the last three in the show.

Yeah, and also, like I mean, it's tricky for us.

Actually, it's quite early that we're recording this because we don't know when Matt's gonna get out, So like if I do fly over there, I might be in the air and he could get out on TV, do you know what I mean?

So I don't know.

How annoyed would you be if you got there and you found out he'd already been eliminated.

Fuck did they just send you straight back? So what does you get halfway? I think.

I think if you get there, you still come home on your normal return flight, Like the return flight is booked, but it depends on how many days I get to get with him, because if he makes it through the final, I don't get any days with him. It's the final and then we fly home the next day, so we actually have no time in Africa together to actually enjoy Africa.

No African activities had to look forward.

So technically, if he gets out early, then I would have had some more time with it.

You could go bunge jumping.

Yeah, Keisha's been bungee jumping in South Africa everyone, in case you haven't heard, this is true.

But also you guys.

I mean, by the time this comes out, you will know the outcome because it would have been last night.

But we are in the past. It's so hard to.

Know what's happening. And I'm in fucking purgatory for I'm a celebrity right.

Now, I'm manifesting. I feel like he's going to be one hundred percent finale. If not, he's gone for the win. That's what I think. That's a lot of pressure, I think for sure.

I hope.

So I think Reggie's pretty high up there. Like so Reggie Bird, for anyone doesn't know who she is, she's one big brother twice and she is very very like personable, relatable, but also just has like a really beautiful, incredible story around the hardship that she's faced with herself and also with her son.

I kind of.

Think that like she's getting the public vote, you know, Matt's just getting the force, like vote for my husband, vote I want to go to South Africa.

Vote.

Yeah, But he has been very entertaining, and I know that obviously we're a bit biased, because obviously last year, Britt, we were biased for you.

And I'm also having sex with them, so I'm pretty biased and for a while I'm not.

We're not having.

Sex with him, thank god, thank god. That would be a real issue.

Wouldn't that be a scandalous episode if that came out on an ask gun cut.

Okay, let's put on a bet song, because, like I said, it is in the future, who do we think will make it top three? I think it'll be Reggie Fingers Cross, Matt and Max.

That's what I think.

I thought, Sam the rugby player.

I think Max is taking Sam spot. Maybe if you're going to, like, I don't know why I'm laughing, you're just gonna like want to ref each up his clothes off and have sex or do you think you're like, I'm so fucking tired, and he's like I'm so hungry and scrawny, and it's just not going to be any love making.

I don't know.

I don't know what it's going to be like because there has never been a time in our relationship, like obviously we did long distance after The Bachelor for got like months, like five months or something crazy, but we could speak to each other every day, and we could FaceTime each other every day. I feel particularly disconnected from

He also did staice to see you again. Here's a mango. He also said that he'd rather eat a mango than I have sex with you.

So but now he can have both. He doesn't have to make the choices. You can do him simultaneously, or he could have sex with a mango.

Or he can fuck a mango when he gets out, and it's gonna be fucking wild. I don't know. I honestly don't know how.

I think it'd be very emotional for him seeing the girls as well, and that's the big reason why I'm taking them over.

Yeah, even though it is.

Like a hellish flight, and it's a very quick so I think by the time we get there, I think we're only there for a couple of days, maybe three nights in total, and then we fly back home, so it's a very quick round trip. But I'm doing it because I know that how much it'll mean to him to have the girls there, even though that that's going to be hell for me. And I also think I have like runs on the board now for like plenty of girls trips, like I am owed.

Your bank is overflowing with your like payback bank.

Yeah, Hamilton Island, anyone we're coming? Yeah, how I I'm going. I'm I book Day's golf bagging Noosa. I hear it's fabulous this time of year. I'll be there. Don't you worry.

Oh, you would go into tsunami right now. You would be like, get me, you see me every weekend.

You'd be like, is Laura away again? I'd be like, yes, with my girlfriends, it's been great.

If we are the girlfriends that you're speaking about, I am absolutely keen to come.

So yeah, So look, guys, like I said, I mean, unfortunately, you know everyone knows what the final has happened.

Now.

I wish we could talk about it for this episode, but we won't know until like late this week on Wednesday.

You remember, and like, this is how much Matt is going to be excited to see you.

I remember when I came out of the jungle, all I.

Wanted to do, like the intensity to see Ben, like the overwhelming feeling was so much that I booked a flight there and I was going to see him for one day. I was flying from South Africa to Scotland to surprise him for just over twenty four hours.

Was costing me a bomb.

But then I was going to fly back to Australia. I was on the runway. I'd organize the surprise. I'd organize the next door neighbors to leave keys out like I was going bit creepy, but I was going to be in his house when he got home he was. It would have been the best surprise I have ever pulled off. And that was probably one of the only flights in my life that's ever been canceled. I was on the runway to go and they canceled it because of weather, and.

I was hysterical.

You would have thought I family member had passed away, like because I was just so upset at how close it was, and then it got taken away from me. Because the feeling is just so intensified. Like you said, I'm always away from Ben. You're away from your family, but you're not even speaking, so it's intensified.

Trust me, If I'm stuck in Singapore sitting on a plane and the flight gets cancered with two kids, I also will be hysterical.

You'd be happy. I will feel the same.

No, I will if I am stuck with a cancer layover with two kids in an airport, will be devastated.

Have you ever given them for energen? No, that that can be a bit of a dice roll. I don't want to tempt that no drug. I'm also not like, I'm not a melotonin mum. I've never done melotonin.

I know it works for a lot of people, and like a lot of people are cool with giving melotonin to their kids and like absolutely no judgment on that.

I just kind of feel weird about it.

And my kids are relatively good, soly like they go to sleep pretty that's a lie. I was like, do I call bullshit on leads? Are fucking terrible, But I still don't want to give the melotonin. I feel bad about it. So actually the worst sleeper, Laura tried to sleep on my face last night, so yeah, I really cat. She's like it's really warm here, so she like lays horizontal across my face. Anyway, that's it. So that's my update for me, guys. I will once I know more, you will be the first to know.

Well, that's always I'll already know.

Yeah, but like once you know more about like how it's been on our side, you know, you'll see what plays out on TV.

But you know, I'll tell you. I'll update you on the Mango and.

We're gonna get mad On and we'll chat all about it. We'll catch up with him and see how it went. Compare notes.

We'll get a Mango to sponsorship and.

Roost Juice come for us, Mango Smooth.

This episode is brought to you by this Juice, and I mean it's not I wish it was, but here we are.

Let's get into our vibes.

No n subscribed. Before we answer your questions, what's your vibe of the week.

My vibe is a Netflix show. It's number one or two at the moment, so it's not shocking. Apple Cider Vinegar Okay.

I started this and I got like five minutes in and I was like, I hey, this.

It was really hard.

I'm vibing it because I really loved the issues that it highlighted.

More so so if you don't know what it is.

Apple Cider Vinegar is the Netflix show that is based on the story of Belle Gibson, who pretended she had cancer scammed a lot of people like, really horrible. She's the Aussie. I mean, most people know who she is, but if you don't. They've turned it into a Netflix series and they really lead into the fact that it's fiction and nonfiction. It's based on a true story, but we're also trying to make a.

Drama where Baby Reindeer. Oh no, they did.

It's a theme.

Every single episode is a bit of a joke on it. One of the characters is in character and they look at the camera and they were like, just to reiterate whilst that we are making this drama, we want to be clear that Belle Gibson did not make a cent from this, And they really lead into the fact from

What was the name of her app that she had, Bell Gibson, the whole pantry, the whole pantry.

So they talk all about.

It, they talk all about the app, they talk about her whole story. It's really fascinating, and I guess I want to say I learned a lot about her story, but I also don't know how much was a bit of added flavor.

I find it that this is an interesting vibe, you, brit because I have, like you said, Kish, I have heard very mixed reviews because I was really excited to watch it, and when I first saw that it was coming out. I find the Bell Gibson case devastatingly interesting. Like, I really find it fascinating, but I also just like cannot comprehend the hurt and the extortion that that was

It's had mixed reviews.

I think at the same time as I'm recommending it that I enjoyed some of the themes in it. It was also quite annoying at times, Like I was frustrated and I was annoyed, so I don't know how.

I know there's a lot of people saying I don't know how they can go hand in hand.

Did you like, like this is a recommendation, but you might hate it. No, but you know why, I'm okay.

I was annoyed by the themes because you could see what was happening. You could see that there were people withholding using medicine, and it was frustrating because I was like.

I know what's going to happen, Like why are you doing this? Listen to the doctors I was. I found myself frustrated and angry.

But I thought it was almost like I owed it to the families that got.

Scammed that I wanted to watch it through.

I had like this weird attachment to it where I thought, this is real people's lives, like I do want to see this out and I do want to see what happens.

Some of the acting was brilliant.

There's an Australian actress in it, Alicia Debenham Kerry, who was Brillian. The lead girl is actually American. The girl that plays Bell is American, and her Australian accent was really really good.

Like, I take my hat off to it.

Very divisive, It's not some people are frothing it and some people are hating it. I'm sitting somewhere in the middle, but enough that I was like, you know what, what shouldn't tell.

Me what you think?

That was similar with Baby Reindeer though, and I remember even people in our own Facebook group were like, Keisha, I think you're just a bit too basic for this because you're not supposed to enjoy it.

You're supposed to feel uncomfortable by the content. And I was like, no, that's not why I want to do here. I am a bit more basic than I loved it.

Anyway, My vibe for this week is it's a podcast episode of mid which is done by hollywayen Wright at Mamma Mia, and it is the episode with Amanda Kella and her best friend Anita McGregor.

Now, Amanda Kella is.

Someone that for a really really long time I have idolized.

I think she is absolutely.

Fantastic, particularly when I was in radio, when I was like a radio host, I looked at Amanda as someone that I just so wanted to be like, you know. I think that she has this beautiful vulnerability in the way that she talks on radio and the way that she connects with people, and I just find her so incredibly likable and intelligent. And her best friend, Anita McGregor, is a forensic psychologist. So they actually have a podcast themselves,

Honest or if they're just supportive.

And it was just one of those episodes that I listened to and I was like, oh, fuck, female friendship is just actually so important, you know, like.

You don't get that message from THEE on Top podcast.

Of course they do, but I think it's different when it comes from people who are a little bit older than me. I had a similar response when I listened to Jane Fonder on Julia Louis Dreyfus's podcast quite a while ago. I vibed that a long time ago because they were just talking about female friendship and it was it was a beautiful reminder for me of really nurturing the friendships in my life because I will need them

Well, my recommendation is for anybody who is potentially a content creator or finds themselves needing to be hands free and facing their phone, Britt you have on your phone like a suction case. So like Brut's had this thing on for a while og. It's like a full suction case that you can like stick your phone onto anything.

You could. I mean, I don't recommend it, but you could stick your phone onto your laptop screen. I do that.

You can stick it onto your window, you can stick it onto anything, right Like it genuinely sticks to a wall.

So I tried the one.

That you have bre It, but I kind of hated that I couldn't ever take it off the case because it's very bulky and it's quite difficult to get your phone in and out of your pocket.

Right.

So there is one that I have found which comes with either a magnet or it goes directly onto the back of your phone, and it is from Casemate. But it's basically like an attachment that you can put onto your phone which allows you to stick your phone anywhere and do things hand free. So for us who are constantly like doing stories or we're on our phones a lot, I find it incredibly handy.

I think you guys are gonna be like, what the hell is she talking about?

But if you're watching it on YouTube, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about because I'm holding it up in the air.

They're so good the very handy.

I stick mine everywhere because I'm always talking to Ben. So like when I'm cooking, just stick it on the kitchen wall and I just will move around the kitchen as i'm you know what I mean, Like it just goes in going into the shower, having some sexy time, goes on the window.

Well, I stick mine on the pelt.

Like anytime I'm on the peloton, I stick it on the screen of my peloton, and then I can do do stuff whilst I'm working out.

I use it when I'm doing makeup.

If I'm watching a makeup tutorial and I'm trying to imitate it, I put it on the mirror next to my face so I.

Can do makeup tutorials and actually copy them like as you're watching them.

I try to do.

I don't know that.

I don't know anyone who does that.

That's wow, really yeah, That's the only way that I'm able to like do my I've had a lot of weddings and we've had a lot of awards things.

Lately, and I don't pay to get my makeup.

So you do it in like real time, like you'll watch it as they step by step you through and then you stop, start, stop, start.

I pause and then I try and copy it, and then I hit play, and then I try and copy.

The next bit.

I've done the same makeup every day of my life.

I never change it, so I am the most repetitive, basic bitch that there is. I don't ever try something new. I'm not about trying new things. Well, I'm about safety.

Maybe you could now that you've got your sticky case mate, that's true anymore?

Or a makeup.

Tutorial is not on twenty twenty five bing go list.

No, but maybe watching one. Yeah.

I'm creative, but not with makeup. I know what works me unless it is more because I look like I'm doesn't do me well.

Anyway, let's get into the questions.

Okay, Question number one.

My husband passed away in an accident nearly three years ago. He was twenty nine, and we've been together since we were sixteen.

That's really sair.

After years of heartache, which will live with me forever, I'm finally feeling open to the idea of dating again. I've recently reconnected with an old friend who was also a friend of my husband's.

He has the most.

Grounded, secure, kind energy, and I have found myself having feelings for him. I have no idea where he stands on this situation and whether or not he sees me is just a friend or has feelings too. I want to ask him slash tell him how I'm feeling, but I don't know if I want to risk getting it wrong and potentially uplifting our friendship.

I mean, like, I guess there's a kind of two questions in this. It seems like the main one is like the fear of getting it wrong. The reality is is you could get it wrong no matter who it is that you have feelings for. You could put yourself out there and you could be rejected. Like that's a very real thing when it comes to dating. Obviously, there's an added layer to it in terms of he is

Yeah, my heart really really hurts for you, like thinking that you're only twenty nine, you were together since you're sixteen, and you lost the love of your life. It's a huge thing to experience at a really young age. Horrible, And I want to start by saying like, I cannot imagine, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

But I feel like I want to say, you probably.

Know better than ever that life is short, Like you don't need people to tell you that you have lived it. So if you have these feelings, I think I say tell him. I think I say talk to him about it and just see there is a chance that maybe it is being confused with a connection that you know you both share with your husband and that's why you're close, or it's a chance that it is super real and he feels it too. It's so normal to have these

But you one.

Hundred percent deserve to be happy. And I do agree with you, Laura.

Whilst we don't know him, he sounds like a wonderful friend and a wonderful human that I think if you said that I think I have feelings for you, I don't think that's going to make him never want to speak to you again.

If you did get it wrong.

Yeah, and I mean look, I mean reading your question again, there isn't anything in here that says that you feel guilty for having feelings. That doesn't say anything that you feel as though like maybe you should be concerned about the fact that you had now had feelings for a man that was once friends or his friends with your husband who passed away. But what you've asked is I want to ask him or tell him about how I'm feeling, but I don't want to get it wrong and potentially

In love with you.

Like it would be more of a how much you appreciate them being there and being there for you, and how your feelings have started to evolve, and how did they feel about that, you know, And I think that that is kind of a softer way to approach it than emotionally dumping.

I want to go so far as to say too, it doesn't just have to be verbal, Like you can put signals out, you can put your feelers out with touch, you can flirt, you can there are things that you can do to see if it's reciprocated. Most people can feel it out and see if someone's flirting back, Like you can tell if someone's reciprocating feelings when you put them out there, or if it's an awkward moment where they haven't like doubled down on the feeling, like you

I love you, but don't you think like maybe those things have already been done. And that's why she's at a point where she's like, Okay, I'm wondering whether I'm picking up on these things. I can only imagine though, that there is an added layer of absolute confusion when you add in the fact that you know he's someone

I don't know.

It's a tricky it's a really tricky one to navigate, and I just think it's an honest conversation.

Yeah, But I think the strange thing here is it's not they haven't been besties for ages, she said. I've recently reconnected with an old friend, so he hasn't been in the circle for a long time. They haven't been really close. Best is there were friends a long time ago, all obviously in the same circle. They've reconnected.

Why have you reconnected? Why have you sought each other out? Well, that's a good question. Did he seek you out? And was he like, hey, it'll be nice to catch up.

Did you seek him?

Like?

Ask yourself all these things. But I really want to say, life is really short. If you have these feelings, every part of me wants to say to you, you deserve to be happy, and you deserve to fall in love. And if you think that it's reciprocated, then I want to say go for it, Like, I can't imagine any pain that you were going to experience is going to be remotely similar to what you have been through.

I would be taking a chance in love, but that's but I'm a romantic.

Yeah, take a chance.

No, I agree, And I think it's always good to ask yourself to be a question of like what am I going to lose by being honest in this? And like if it uproots the friendship and the friendship does shift, Like if you do lose that friendship, Like what does that look like for you? Is that a risk you're willing to take? Like is the friendship one that's so imperative to you because it's not necessarily a friendship when you have these feelings anyway, you know it's already compromised.

But also, can you send us this in as an aftermath? Like can you update us on what you do and what happens with this situation? This is one I'm proper invested in.

Yeah, I agree, all right.

A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I attended my cousin's babies dedication at church, which I'm guessing is kind of like a christening.

Yea.

All was going well until they announced in front of all of our friends and family that my husband and I were the godparents to their child.

We were shocked.

There was no previous conversations around this topic, and my husband and I agreed that if they asked us, we would politely decline, as it's a serious role to take on and we already have three kids of our own and wanted to try for another one. We stood there awkwardly smiling and didn't know how to react. We were never asked to be their child's godparents, and we're announced with the title in front of everyone, with no prior discussion.

This is wild.

There are things that you can get away with not asking no. They obviously were so confident that you were going to.

Say yes no.

That is so ballsy to assume that people would take your kids if you die.

I don's a question.

That's what god parents mean.

No, it doesn't.

A godparent traditionally just means that you are responsible for the religious upbringing of that child. You're not responsible for inheriting that child if you pass away.

No, I have been asked to be I'm so many people's godparents because because I've got no kids, and all of them it's who you want your child to go to if something happens to you. Of course it's about like the bringing up as well, but if God forbid something happened to parents, it's about who the person is that they trust to be the stepping parent.

Okay, genuinely, and I say this from someone who was raised in the Catholic Church. But a classic Christian godparent, if that's where this is, is a person who presents a child at baptism to promise to take responsibility for their religious education.

I think it's evolved.

I agree, I.

Agree, but I don't think that every single person out there who has taken on the responsibility of a godparent necessarily is also taking on the responsibility of adopting the child or something.

Because I've got a lot of kids coming my way.

If something happens to the parents. Yeah, look, I mean brazen bold. Maybe it's because people don't really often say no to that request. I think like godparent request is kind of like being asked to be a bridesmaid. Most people just say yes, even if they do it reluctantly. Well, I'm okay, this is my thing, right. I'm not religious, but I have said yes to being people's godparents, because when you're not religious, it means something else. So I can't come to it from a religious aspect because I

So that's my experience.

If that is your experience here, which I'm not saying it is, maybe it's just about the religion and teaching them. If it is your experience, that is a really big thing. And I think you absolutely are entitled to have a conversation yeah and say, hey, what are the expectations around this? Like when you say I'm your godparent, what level of

So I think you really need to firstly.

Not out what are the expectations of your role as godparent, and then maybe you can decide because if it's really low key and it's just a title, because that means you mean something to them and you don't have to do that much, then just look at it maybe as an honor. But if they have these really high expectations and it does maybe mean that you have to inherit the children one day and it's quite excessive and you don't want that, then I think that that is a different discussion.

Yeah, I absolutely agree.

I think have that and then once you understand what their expectations are of you in that role, then you can say whether or not you do or don't feel comfortable to be that person. But also like asking someone to be that significant thing or person in your life, whether it might be at bridesmaid, whether it might be a godparent, whatever it is, maybe it's asking someone.

To marry you.

It's like, that's a moment that's like a special thing that you share with that person that makes them feel valued and respected and important, and you share it with them first because those qualities are so important prior to sharing it with everyone, you know what I mean. It's like a thing that makes that person feel individual within something that's very special to everyone.

And maybe they thought you were going to say no, so they're like, we'll just put them on the sp.

Do you reckon?

Yeah?

I don't know.

Why else do you do it?

Weird? One.

The only reason you ever ask people things or say statements in front of other people, like witnesses, is so that they can't say no one they feel pressured to say us.

But who says no to being a godparent like that? People?

Yes, I do agree, but it's also quite an offensive response. Like if I was like, hey, I love you and I want you to be such a big part of my child's life and I love you to be their godparent, and someone was like, oh, not for.

Me, but it's a lifelong responsibility.

I know it is, But I would think that if you're choosing someone to be a godparent, you've chosen them because you think that they're going to be a lifelong person in your life and your child's life. You guys are clearly on the wrong page, Like you are not feeling the same about this role.

Which is why there are some things I think like, oh, bite the bullet, just let it happen.

But like a lifelong dedication to a.

Child is not one of those things where I'm going to say bite the bullet. I think you need to have the conversation and just one hundred percent comes down to what they see your role with as a god parent.

Do you know what this reminds me of.

It's very different, but you're just like ride the ride the wave with me everyone. It's like when you're like casually dating someone. You're casually dating, you are not committed. This is a situation ship. I am not your girlfriend, and then they just introduce you as their girlfriend and you're like, I did not fucking sign up for that power.

How do we get here? Why am I meeting your mom?

Or you're the person that's doing it, You're the person introducing the situationship as a boyfriend.

Yes, unless unless you're the other first. But this happened to me many many years ago. We were like chill, chill, chill, everything's chill. And then all of a sudden, I was introduced as a girlfriend. I was like, we're not chill anymore. And then I was like freaked out. They had to break up with him. It was awful, just like, let me sign up.

That's the opposite. You were the one who's like, stop introducing me as your friend. We've been hooking up for four months.

You're like, we've been together for five years, we lived together, we're invited to weddings.

Did this happen yeah, Todbleran no, no before Yeah, stop introduce not just one that's bad.

To be fair, my partner I was with for two years and I was getting married two years to do that too, but he hate the sociopath.

Yeah, I think all this is the reason why we've bonded so deeply over the years. We've all experienced it. The guy my situationship of an entire year. I met his mum finally, and it was around Christmas time and I thought I was meeting his mum because we were dating, and I got caught a mate, so that was also this is my mate, Laura.

Okay, we're taking a trip our memory.

I remember when I was meeting this guy I was with for two years, right, like thought I was with him probably obviously though we're getting married. I remember meeting his parents and you know, this makes me sound like hindsight's a wonderful thing. I realized that I can see the red flags in hindsight, but when you're in it, you don't see it.

We were going to meet his parents for the first time, which was already, mind you, well over a year in.

And he said, I just want to preface this, like, I think I'm just going to introduce you as a friend. And I was like why, and he's like, it's just too hard at the moment. My parents are going through a divorce. It's all very messy. They were really this is what he said. They were really attached to my ex and I just don't want them to be like a thing where they don't like you because you're the new person yet.

So and I was like, totally get that. I really want them to like me. So I fucking met them as a friend.

His parents had been divorced for like fifteen years. Everything was bullshit, and I went through that and I met them as the friend.

Can you believe.

That what I can't believe is that people take advice from as the.

Three of us.

I learned my lessons absolutely fucking useless.

It's weird. No one has asked me to be their child's good parent.

Not a single person, neither of I'm no godparents. Yeah, I don't think you and I scream religious upbringing. I also don't have godparents for my children. And I think the reason why I don't have godparents for Lola Omali is because of what it means to me to be a godparent, Because when being raised Catholic, and being raised in the church, and going to Catholic school, and you know, doing all of the different.

Things, it had a very specific meaning to me.

And so it kind of feels a bit me now that I don't identify as being religious at all.

So saying is that it's available. The positions avail. Do you want to pick audition, who would you pick? Would you tell us beforehand? Would you just announce it? You can be it.

I don't think we need it. I don't like the idea of it having to be like gendered. You have a male and a female.

I'll have Marley, you can have Lola.

No, we can't put one of us is taking them.

They've got to go together. You can both who do you trust more. It's the same as if I don't give them. If I give them to you, they're going to end up a Keisha shout every weekend. Like what's the difference.

It's so funny you say this because I have I think i'm three people's godparents, like different family members.

They all have like, hey, if something happens, can you have the kids?

But they've also the same thing.

They're like, we don't know how we feel about it, but you're the only one that's.

Got like stable job, you don't have any kids, so they'd fit in.

But we're a bit worried about what they eat and what'd that do. And I'm like the kid flattered or not.

The kids live off chicken nuggets, chicken nuggets and salmon steaks, which it sounds like a semi luxury and also a bit povo, but it's like in between one extreme other. Yeah, look funny, Yeah, I don't have godparents. And also, do you know what I grew up with god parents. I couldn't even tell you who my godparents are. I was given godparents as a child. No clue who they are, don't I have no idea.

I'll checking my.

Mum, my aunties and uncles.

I just reread we stood there awkwardly smiling and didn't know how to react. It's relatable.

It's so awkward.

All right, next question, I have a lot of trust issues. This okay, let me preface this. This question is a little bit cooked. Okay, it's a little bit cooked.

We don't judge, so are we?

Yeah? Good company, We've established that. All right, We listen and we do not judge. I have a lot of trust issues.

I've had a rough time with relationships and trust in the past, and I always grow through my husband's phone literally once a day, I would say, not necessarily finding anything, just making sure.

Wow, yeah, every twenty four else.

About a month ago, I asked him to change his passwords so I couldn't go through his phone anymore. What do you ladies think about this, not having your partner's phone password. Do you think it will help my trust as I have to keep reminding myself that he is a good guy and my past is still haunting me. Or do you think that it's unhealthy? I did counseling for a long time after my previous relationships, but now it's too expensive with two children.

Help.

I was thinking, oh, okay, if this is a newish relationship, I get it.

Maybe you don't know where you're at, or you don't know much about him, but it's your husband.

So I'm assuming that it's a.

Relatively long relationship that you've been with him for if you've been long enough to know him, dat him, have kids, get married. So I'm wondering if he's done anything to make you feel that way. That's one thing. If he's been an amazing husband that's never made you question and your issues are still from your past, then it is a way bigger issue. I do not think it's normal to go through your partner's phone. So I have Ben's passwords and he leaves his phone unattended all the time

If he hasn't done anything to make you feel that way.

Yeah, it's this to me.

I read this and I was like, you can do something so often that it becomes a compulsion to do it, Like you have created like an incredibly toxic habit that you feel like you have to have maintenance on your husband to quote unquote make sure he's not doing anything like you. There is so much fear that you have manifested And I don't want to say because we don't know.

Well you however, this is a problem.

Yeah, However, the thing is is that I think that you probably need to try and work to create some distance in terms of, like, you don't want it to be the fact that the only reason why you're not going through his phone is because you don't know his password.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, you might need this for a period to help to create that separation, but you do have to get to a point where the reason why you don't check his phone is because you trust him. You trust that there's nothing going on there that needs you to check it in the first place. And I mean, I know that you said you've done counseling, and you did it in your previous relationships, but now it's too expensive. It's

There's nothing more to check.

Well, I no, I mean, I don't believe that one day there might be something. But I'm not trying to say that to scare you.

But if he hasn't been the cause, you've done the first step. You've recognized that you're the problem and what you're doing is not right. Because you've asked him to change the password, this means he's hyper aware of the fact that there is an issue. Like otherwise, it's not a normal thing for you to go to your husband's change your password. There has to have been a conversation of some sort that's happened off the back of that.

I can't be.

Sure what is the driving force here for your insecurity in this moment, but what I can be sure is saying help talking to your partner is always going to help in some capacity. If he doesn't want a bar of it, that's another discussion. And I would then say, I understand where you're into curities are coming from. If he doesn't want to talk to you about it.

It's tricky because like, yes, I understand, like if he doesn't want a bar of it, but like, let's assume he's never done anything wrong, and every day he has his wife checking his phone doing maintenance just to make sure there's this like presumed fault here that's happening. It would become exhausting having to constantly reassure your partner that you're not a bad person and that you're not cheating on them if every single day they are checking your phone.

I've changed my password. You're the one with the issue. You're the one that needs to get over this.

Like how do you move past it when like all the reassurance is being given. How would you react if you found out that your partner was checking your phone every single day?

Oh, I'd be really upset because I'd be upset because the implication is that you don't trust me and that you think I'm doing something whilst he has access to it. I would ask why, what is it that you're looking for in my phone right now. Like it's different when you need to go in and just check a message or an email or send something or going to Google Maps or yeah, but if you're just scrolling through.

My personal phone, it's still your personal device.

It's very very accusatory, Like I'm looking through this with the expectation of the maintenance that I might find something, So someone invasion of privacy, Yeah, totally, Well, I mean yes and no. In some instances, like for example, I have full access to Matt's phone. We have like an open phone policy in our house. It was never it was never laid out. We never sat down and we're like, we're going to have an open phone policy. But we've

That habit anymore. Do you know what I mean? Like you're creating the habit of not doing it.

Well, that's what she's done by changing the passwords. Ex aren't physically do it exactly.

You've taken one step.

But this is like, this is something you have to be conscious of every day and every single time you have that urge you've got to go, do you know what. I'm not going to check it because I do trust my husband and he's a great guy. And then walk away from that phone and go for a walk, or go and do something else, do something that totally distracts

You know what's.

Interesting though, I would be off the fact, even though we have an open phone policy too, if Ben was just going through my phone for shits and giggles all the time, I'm off that it's still like my private life, Like it's still like my private diary. And I'm not my diary. I'm not hiding anything in there. But there's just something that puts me off if I just found him in the depth scrolling my phone and reading messages in the emails, like I just think.

It's still my private place.

When I say Matt goes through my phone, like and he goes to find a picture or something, or sometimes he'll go to find an email that's like something that he might need. But I know he's not scrolling through my like he's not in there with the intention of anything other than something that mutually benefits us or him, you know what I mean, Like it'd be because he needed an.

Invoice for the renno, or like do you know what I mean.

There's never been a time where I've seen Matt going through my phone and thought.

What are you looking for? What are you trying to get? Huh? I'm like, Oh, what photo do you want? Like me, tell me and I'll tell you where it is. Do you know what I mean?

It's never been met with that because there's just so much trust whereas I think about my past relationship and I was this person, Like when I was in my fucking, really toxic relationship with the guy was cheating on me, I went through his phone every single day.

Every day. A guy I was.

Dating changed the name of the girl that he was cheating on me with to one of his best mates named so that I wouldn't see the name on the phone and think to click on the messages.

But that's just his mate.

That warrants you going through his phone, That's why.

But I only found that out because I went through it totally.

But the thing is, though, is that you didn't take that relationship trauma into your next relationship. You didn't start dating someone and then start going through their phone thinking that that person is the replica of your ex.

You know what I mean.

You give everyone the benefit of the doubt based on the new relationship and how they treat you.

It took a couple of gos, But I actually remember in my current relationship when we first got together, I remember having the conversation with myself and I actively said, the second you feel the need to go through his phone, you need to end your relationship because that is your past and that shows that you don't trust your new boyfriend.

Did you just link his zicloud to yours? So it just computed as.

His messages are so boring and.

Yeah no, But what I mean is like I actually do understand what started this behavior, and I think exactly like you've said, Laura, it's just become a habit. Like now I think you're kind of just you're getting that regulation of the calm down effect by not finding anything and so you're like, Okay, I'm good for another twenty four hours. I'll check again tomorrow when the anxiety raises again. And so I think you need some regulation work.

So go and listen to the episode we do with TJ Powers at the beginning of this, which is all around like how to regulate your dopamine and your internal corsol and see.

The sun first before you go through Pant's phone.

I know that that sounds that sounded really base, but like, then try it all right. Last question, I have been with my partner for five years and we are expecting our first child. I already owned a house before meeting him and have since sold it so he can buy something for our growing family. The issue is I am the only one contributing to the deposit, as it is a large sum of money from the sale. He is

Oh, you need to have a prenup.

Even if you guys aren't married and you're having a baby together, you're a de facto relationship. It is not offensive and it is not abnormal to have a prenup. You need to have a big conversation with him about finances. He knows that you're coming to this relationship with more money than him. He knows that you're coming to this relationship with the deposit for the house. And you say, I love you and I everything that we're building together,

And if he turns around and says that's a problem, then that is an absolute red flag as to what type of person this guy is.

Yeah, this to me is so easy and straightforward.

I am in this exact situation besides the fact that we are expecting our first child. So I bought a house as an investment a couple of years ago.

I don't live in it. I rent now, but I made.

An investment for myself before I met Ben. Since Ben's coming to the picture we're getting married. We have had that discussion where I have said, look, whatever we build from here forward, and whatever we build together as a couple and a family will be ours as a couple. I said, but I want to know that we're on the same page here. What I have built before you and what I have worked hard for is mine. Are

Is it all you?

Because you can say you can put into an agreement, like you can put anything you want into a legal financial agreement. So you can say, I'm bringing two hundred thousand dollars deposit to this house, so I will own that percentage of when we sell, whatever profit we make on the rest, we'll split fifty to fifty. Like you can make that financial agreement whatever suits you, as long as you go down the legal aspect.

Yeah, and there's a caut like you said, but there's a couple of ways, like you could have interest on the deposit, or you can simply just safeguard the deposit itself, do you know what I mean? Like you might find that a better way of going about it, just being like, cool, Well, I want to make sure that if we sell the place and things don't go well, I at least get my initial deposit back and everything else. We split fifty

It's actually wild. I was just looking up some stats on divorce. I absolutely agree.

It's like, we want to think the best, but we know so many relationships don't last, and you just don't want to be in that position where you're where they can take something.

From really hope for the best, prepare for the worst dred kind of like the saying of everything in life my song, my saying.

I don't know Matt and I.

We never had to have this conversation prior, so like Matt and I don't have a prenup, and we never discussed our finances when we got together, really, and the reason for that is is because we both were pretty much financially the same, Like we both came into our relationship with not a lot of savings. We're pretty we were pretty similar, and so everything that we have in

You have to protect yourself.

Yeah, it's just smart. Literally, it's smart. I haven't worked your ass off, your whole life for it to be taken by someone else.

Well that's it from us, guys, And the next time you hear from me, we'll have the lowdown or what the hell is happening in the jungle, And maybe Matt will.

Be back and maybe you've been on safari.

Probably not, to be honest, I don't think there's any time for safari.

No, there is.

There is if you're actually going there is. It is pretty cool where you will sleep. You literally walk down this sta like, don't leave the girls unattended, because I could get eaten by some kind of animal.

It's why Jolly would like that. She's like, I'm back with my people.

Mom.

You can going out with the lions. You can walk.

Down the stairs of the backyard area and there is a car and you're in safari.

Like, it's really cool. If you go, you're going to have an amazing time.

Well, I'll see you all on the other side, my loves, And if you've enjoyed the episode, go leave a review.

Also, you can watch this all on YouTube. Play the questions.

Ask your partner or your friends like how they would respond to these questions.

Get a prenup.

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