Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never seated.
We pay our respects to their elders past and present.
Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was recorded on Drug wallamut Land. Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of Live on Cut. I'm Laura and I'm prody.
Sakisha feeling in for brit while she is in the jungle.
Hasn't yet eaten a testicule. I'm very sad about it. Devastated. She's been quiet, she's been reserved. The real Britney's coming. I think she just doesn't want to come in there and just like let it all hang out. You know.
That's like week two stuff.
Do you feel as though we overshare too much on this podcast?
I feel like that's a rhetorical question because the answer to that is so obviously yes.
But I'm not mad about it. But the answer is yes.
Well, the reason I ask is because last night on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here.
I think it was Tristan who brought it up.
Essentially, he said he was pooh Shi and he mentioned that he and his partner would never pooh in front of each other.
Well, I have an admission.
I know.
I said I was gonna watch every single episode, but we're episode three and I didn't watch last night because very good reason.
I was out for my birthday. So you have to tell me what happened.
Tristan essentially ended up asking the entire crew in the jungle like this question of do you pooh in front.
Of your partner? And Ellie Cole brought up that the answer.
To that question just gives you so much insight into someone's relationship, and I tend to agree.
I love that you're asking the deep and hard hitting questions today on ask on cars so early? Is that where we're at now?
Do you or do you not? I mean, you guys all know that I don't care. We've spoken about that before.
Not that I don't.
I'm not gonna like physically sit there and be like, hey, honey, come in whilst I do a pooh. But like, if Matt has to come in and get something, he'll just walk in, open the door, walk straight in, get whatever he needs, and walk out.
He won't even think about it.
And that doesn't raise it.
Like I said, I'll say, get out, get out and fagn like I'm really offended, but I don't actually care. I do the obligatory like, oh, get out, and then he does the same to me. But if I was to actually stand in there and try and have a chat to him, he'd be like, get out, okay, then he'd answer my question. He's not He's not holding onto the resentment of the fact that I'll walk in whilst he's doing a pooh and vice versa. Doesn't touch the sides of what exactly the ball of the human who knows.
I just feel like hearing that story makes my small intestine kind of clench, like it's sucking it all back in. Potentially, Yeah, I think I'm in this situation where my boyfriend and I don't agree on this. I am very much a no no privacy. When it's I don't mind a Wii, that's fine, But as soon as it's more than that, even if it's like possibly more than that, that's a solo experience for me. He doesn't feel the same. He's more than comfortable to have the door open. He doesn't
mind telling me about it. He talks about it all the time, and frankly, it growses me up.
You guys have only just moved in together, so you are on a downward spiral.
If you're already there, you're fucked.
That's what I'm getting from this, Like you are really heading in a few weeks time. He's going to just be doing it in the middle of the lounge room because they should, don't the lad literally making eye contact at the same time.
That would send me to another planet.
I've been an astral plane.
Just I don't know how you reach a happy medium in this situation. I feel as though he is gradually wearing me down, like he's trying to send the layers down of me caring about this because he first moved in together, I like kicked off about it, and now I don't kick off, but I always I'm like, come.
On, like, have some respects. See that's what I mean. You feign a bit of like you can stop, get out. It's not fainting. I'm just picking which battles I want to fight.
Yeah, and I do want to fight that battle, but I've had to fight it so many times and nothing's changed that I'm kind of like, well.
Is this worth you know? How dare he disrespect you like that?
Is this a fuck you? How dare he not listen to your boundaries?
Okay, I mean we've spoken about I feel like it's the conversation goes roun and so. Because we've spoken about whether it's okay to fun friend your partners whatever, people are very black and white, Pulling in front of your partner is a whole other level that I think most people don't achieve. But I agree with Ellie Cole. It
says a lot about your relationship. It says a lot about your how comfortable you are with someone if you can just duck into the bathroom, regardless of where they're at in their bathroom experience, and go and get something. I don't think that there's many people out there who are intentionally doing it in front of each other. But what I think is that for some people, it's not a limitation of entering a room just to quickly do something.
Do you know what I mean?
Like if you're gonna quickly go and get something from the bathroom, Like if I need deodorant, I'm gonna open the door and go in and.
Get it, and that would be like, oh, get out, And that's pretty much the extent of it, to be honest.
I think he's really funny to like think about how much our standards change.
Well, I've came by that in front of him, which means that, like, you know, things have happened. That door was already opened. Okay, so you know there's no coming back from that. So whatever, it's only fair that he does it in front of me too. I do think that if these are the types of conversations that they're already having in the jungle on night three, this is an indication that people, like a group of people who have spent too much time together.
Social media gets such a bad rap. Everyone's like, we spend too much time on our phone. This is what happens when you don't have a phone.
Or a TV to watch it. Can you start asking each other if you shit in front of each other?
That's true.
They're just bored. Yeah, anyway, we've spoken about this for too long.
We have, We really have. I haven't admission to make. No one's going to care about this. It's not even admission. It's just I want to clear something up. Okay, if you listen to the podcast in think it might have been January, could have even been December or so long ago, and we at some point went down a rabbit hole about this thing on my arm. All right, your fung guy, my fun guy that just comes around with me. And Britt was like, yeah, that's a fungal infection. Three months,
three months, I've used fungal cream on this thing. Okay, three months the fungle cream did nothing. This is the most like defungled part of anyone's body that's ever existed. I'm talking twice a day fungal cream, right, Just to give a bit of a pitch, because you know, this is an.
It is everybody unless you're joining us on YouTube, which right there, it kind of looks like a little bit of discoloration just in patches, like just a couple patches.
There's a few shades darker, which is different to most of the fungal infections because usually they go white, don't they They usually go lighter.
Well, I mean some people it grows darker as well, I think.
But like basically, there's a there's a fungal infection that people get on their skin, which if you spend a lot of time in the sun or in the ocean or in chloring pools, it's more prevalent and it's called tinya versicola. So anyway, Brittany, being the medical person that she is, she was like, that's a fungal thing, Laura, go and get some fungal crepit. Anyway, three fucking months and me waiting to get into a dermatologist because the
lines for a dermatologist are unreasonably long. Unreasonably long, don't even get me sounded about psychiatrists. So I wild, well, I went yesterday and I sat down. I was like, guys, like this fungus is just getting bigger and it's been here for so long now.
And she just looked at me and she was like, sweet, it's not fungus. What is it?
It's just pigmentation because I'm getting old. So you've been trying to treat it.
You've been trying to treat something for three months and it wasn't even what no wonder that it wasn't working.
Well, it's not even that.
It's just like, I just want to set the record straight. Not that there's anything wrong with having a fungus, but I don't have one. And I've been telling everyone that I did and that I'm trying to get rid of it, and nothing was working. And now I make it worse. Well potentially because it is has been getting progressively worse, but actually, no, it's not that anyone cares talking about oversharing.
It's a dermatitis thing.
And then once it heals, the hyperpigmentation of it from where it's healed, so it's like kind of tiny little abrasions in the skin. And then once that has healed, it makes the skin darker because it's like a reaction to being traumatized, which is what I am.
So thanks, Brittany. Thanks for nothing is what I had to say.
When the internal stress ends up coming out like external in your bodytally starts breeding all over your arms.
Well, I'm glad you're getting that sortied.
Thank you. How was your experience of the dermatoegist fine.
I also walked in and it was the most beautiful medical office.
It had a view of the entire city.
The Harbor Bridge, all of BONDI like, I'm talking like a three sixty view in this dermatologists office, and I was like, oh, it makes sense now.
I was like, it makes sense. We're all in the wrong job.
Three months to get in here, and this is what you guys like living in a palace.
No wonder dermatologists have a little bit of a reputation of being a little bit batty, do they.
Yeah, I'm so sorry to all the dermatologists listening to this. You also deserve to have that view. You study very hard.
It's kind of there are certain personality traits that different specialties of doctors seem to have. Like it's a stereotype, but stereotypes exist for a reason. A lot of the time, my dermatologist absolutely love.
Her a little bit crazy.
But also this is like cardiothoracic surgeons narcissists.
Yes, surgery in particular a little bit of a god complex narcissism kind of element to it.
Sorry to unprofile you all, and to all of the dermatologists and cardiothracic surgeons who listened to this podcast. Also they're not listening to Life on caut We're two bass anyway, all right, guys, we're here to answer all you're deep, you're dark, and you're burning questions today. But before we do that, I wanted to remind you guys, if you haven't seen it yet, yesterday we released an episode with tones and I and I know I often say like
this is one of my favorite episodes. But I genuinely think that this episode that we released yesterday is one of the best ones that we have done this year. It is possibly one of the best ones we have ever done. And the reason for that is because so tones and I has never she has never ever, ever.
Done a long form interview before.
She's only ever done like short sporading interviews with radio and with media where you get like little bite side sound grabs talking about her music. This is the first time she's ever opened up around what she experienced in her coming to fame, how the media treated her, the reasons why she has turned her back on doing any sort of long form interviews and talking about herself.
But she also talks so openly.
About her childhood, why she got into music, her relationships. And it was an incredible interview, Like she had everybody in the room in tears at one point. And I just think for someone who has been so incredibly successful, I mean, dance Monkey is one of the most downloaded songs, Like, I mean, how many billion streams.
She was the first female artist to reach three billion streams on Spotify and it's been streamed over ten billion times now.
And this is the thing she says, She's like, Okay, so that you understand the magnitude of what Tones and I achieved with Dance Monkey, And she says it in the interview, nobody has ever done that. And I'm talking like, you're Taylor Swifts, You're Beyonces, your Ariana Grande is like some of the biggest celebrities, musical celebrities have not achieved
what she achieved with that song. And she talks about like how that's impacted her, how that's like changed the trajectory of her career, but also so much about her vulnerability came from her talking about not looking the way in which society perceives a pop star to look or to be, and how she has been so deeply ridiculed for that throughout her career.
Yeah, Laurie, you're not alone in saying that.
We've got so many comments in the Facebook group on Instagram, We're getting a lot of messages people just saying, oh my god, I just loved this chat.
She just embodies authenticity. I think she's awesome. I really like this new version of her that we're getting to see.
Also, when she's sort of like, I never really wanted to tell my story before and then she just comes out of the gates telling her entire story.
We were so blown away.
But that came off the back of she came to the live shows in Melbourne, and it was so serendipitous how that all happened, Like if you guys came to the live show, you would know. But for anyone who wasn't there in Melbourne that night, we were supposed to have Flex Mummy come and be part of the show, and very last minute she canceled due to her own personal reasons because she had things going on, and we
were like panic stations at that point in time. Britta and I were like, fuck, fuck, we've had it, Like how are we going to feel this space?
What are we gonna do now?
Especially because we've been pre promoting what the chats we're
gonna be. And then because of a relationship that Mitch Chure has with Tones and I, he sends his text message this one day and this is like the day before and he was like, I think I might have Tones she might want to come and do a chat on stage, And we were so unsure whether it was actually going to come into fruition, Like we had no idea whether she was going to even come and be there backstage, and then lo and behold the night of we get there and then in the green room she's
just sitting there with all of her people, pop and champagne, and we were like, Okay, this is happening. It was the surrealest thing, and you know, in terms, she just did it purely because of a friendship with Mitch. And then we have been so lucky to build a friendship with her as well and be having these kind of ongoing conversations and it was just like sitting down for a chat with a good friend.
I think the most special thing about that, and the reason that she has a friendship with Mitch.
Is because of how badly she was treated.
By the media, and you know, people just made up stories about her because she didn't want to rebut them. She didn't want to involve herself because she had some self esteem issues and I wouldn't even.
Say issues like they were kind of.
Forced upon her.
And I think it's really beautiful she came to that live show because she met Mitch through radio, loved Tim, trusts him, and then trusted you guys. And I could tell from listening to that interviewers in the room. There was such an element that she felt with you and Britt was a safe space to share and with our audience as well. Like she received so much feedback from the live show in Melbourne that she was like, oh, these.
People get it.
Oh yeah, she said, you're all a cult and I'm here for it, a little life uncut cult. But anyway, go and listen to that. It's out now, it's yeah, it was yesterday's episode and it's fucking amazing. Yeah subscribed, Yes, okay, I have a vibe full transparency. It is a brand that I'm currently working with. So I'm currently working with Target and we are across the podcast. But even more transparency.
When they came on board as a sponsor, it had been a long time since I had walked through and I will get home works from Target, I will get bits and pieces from there, but neba ebba, had I walked.
Through the clothing sect of Target, I'll get things for the kids.
I would never have looked for myself.
But in this instance, there was like the recommendation that I should just go and have a look online and see what I could find myself.
Let me tell you, okay, I'm wearing it. Right now.
If you're watching YouTube, you'll see it. But if you're not, then you won't care. But they had this like Skims ripoff range. They have a body like a crop top, I don't know what you call it, a boot chewed top, which I'm wearing today. They also have a body suit and it's this like very soft buttery material. They're so cheap and I now have them in every color that they come in and every style that they come in, the boot tube and also the full body, and they
are amazing. They are my recommendations. They are like the little gold dust that I found at.
The bottom of the pans.
So that's my recommendation if you are into or wanting like a very good body suit that looks great under jeans that you can style it casually.
Amazing.
I can second this recommendation because I actually have the dress version and it's very soft and it's very nice, and I saw it trending on TikTok as like a genuine replica of the Skims one, except it was I think it was less than a third of the price. So with you on those my recommendation for the week, I'm back on my Woo Woo bullshit.
Okay, we I'm here for it.
I'm really enjoying it.
I got this recommendation from the Facebook group, the Life on Cut discussion group is where I get every recommendation from.
It's called a shak Ti mat. Okay, oh, not here for it. They say it's based off of.
The ancient wisdoms from India and it's all to do with acupressure. Do you remember seeing like pictures of nail beds, like the wooden planks with native stick up right and people. It's kind of like the og accupuncture before they knew how to make it specific. These shacked ti mats are like a I guess they're like a plastic spiked mat and the idea is that you lay on it and you're supposed to lay on it for like ten minutes.
It sounds like literal torture. Well this is the thing, okay.
So they say it like increases circulation, it can improve your sleep, which I'm obsessed with obviously.
So I was like, okay, I'm gonna give this a go.
And years and years and years ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety. Last October I was diagnosed with ADHD. I'm now medicated for both of those things, and I'm also trying to work on things that are just not medicinal, Like I'm really trying to do this from a multi pronged approach. Right, So, I've been talking about my ice baths and shacked imats to me kind of fall into the same category where I'm trying to train my brain that when I'm in uncomfortable situations.
I can handle it.
I'm trying to kind of increase my mental resilience in an effort to reduce my anxiety or how I like react when I feel anxious in a normal environment.
Right.
You know, the idea is that if I'm in a situation that's uncomfortable, I can sit in that discomfort and I can kind of like work my way through it.
So this is me getting a little away. The shaked timat is my next edition.
Of this scause.
I'm not a difference though, between like mental discomfort and physical discomfort, because I feel like a lot of people can internalize physical discomfort, but mental discomfort is a completely different kettle of fish.
I think that I'm trying to I'm trying to merge the two because when you have something like anxiety, it feels physical, like it really feels like it's something that you're like, my body is reacting disproportionately to my environment. So anyway, it's something that I'm like, I'm working on and I feel as though.
I'm really making progress. And I don't know whether it's the medication. I don't know whether it's.
The more like alternative practices. I don't know if it's a combination of all of them. But I've been laying on my Shrukti Matt. I will admit it's pretty fucking uncomfortable to begin with. They do have beginner's versions, but they're relatively expensive. I know you can get cheaper versions from like Ali and all these other places, but I just went for the real branded one. It hurts like you lay on it, and it really takes that mental resilience,
I guess. And I'm trying to do ten minutes every night, and I'm getting to the point where like I'm achieving it.
I'm not finding it as difficult as what I previously was.
So that's how I feel about pilates.
You.
Every time I'm on a pilate's reform machine, I'm like, why am I doing this?
And I'm wishing every minute away.
I think it's one of the pilates, is one of those taboo things that you're not allowed to say that you hate, Like, I don't enjoy it, but I do it because I know it's good for me.
That sounds like a shocked he mat it kind of.
I mean, the idea is that you're meant to be a little bit uncomfortable and then you're meant to push through the discomfort. So not for everyone, absolutely get that, But if you would like to, I don't know, torture say I reckon it helps with sleep.
I don't know if it does or not.
So if that's the type of thing that you want to challenge yourself with at the moment, I recommend the shocked he mat.
Let's get into answering your questions, all right. Question number one. My boyfriend he's thirty one and I'm twenty eight years old, and we started dating in June last year. We made it official at the end of July. Since the very beginning, we've been really happy. We both are super committed to our relationship and each other. We communicate really well, and he shows me every day how much he loves me. I truly thought I had found my penguam just so you guys don't have to do the maths.
They've been together now for nine months.
However, I have just found out he cheated on me two times, just when our relationships started. He cheated on me with a girl he met back in June. She was away in Europe for a bit, so when we started our relationship she wasn't around, but they were still texting. When she was back, they met up two times and had sex. This was one week and two months after we made it official. So actually, when I read this,
I'm actually going to backtrack a bit. So they started dating in June, which was when she left, so she must have been away for a while, so this has obviously happened sort of around like I mean, I would say they've been together for maybe six months since he cheated, right, if we're going to do the maths working backwards.
Month math, Yeah, it's been about six.
Months since the cheating happened, but they've known each other for nine months total. All of this came out because the girl reached out to me to tell me everything. I confronted him and he felt really guilty and owned his mistakes. He said it absolutely didn't mean anything to him. He was lost and scared, and he said he could never do that to me. Now, because we're in such a different stage of our relationship, I can see how
our relationship has changed in the past four months. He says he has changed and did the inner work after cheating. My question is how bad are the red flags? I know you can recover from cheating, but can you when you started the relationship and fell in love when the person was cheating on you. I think I really want to make this work and give him another chance.
That's a lot.
There is a lot time back here.
Okay.
The first thing I want to say is when you say he's changed a lot in four months, four months is not a long.
Period of time. None of this has happened over a long period of time.
Firstly, yeah, I mean, there's the obvious things to point out of the fact that he cheated on you and he thought he'd get away with it, and so him, you know, changing in the past four months. You weren't really aware of why he changed. You weren't aware of why he became more committed to you. But it's obviously because he was living with a bit of guilt about
what had happened. I actually do question this a lot of the time in this scenarios like would you rather know or would you rather have never found this information out? Because this has fundamentally changed your relationship.
Now like moving forward from here, you can't go back.
You have said that you want to make this work and give him another chance, And I think that's why when I was initially listening to you read this question, I was like, oh man, this guy's like you know, he's done you dirty, and you've built a relationship off of a foundation that doesn't actually exist.
It's not real.
Your reality is are different because he's done this thing that's broken the trust down.
But you are right, people can move on from cheating.
And if you want to really make this work and give him another chance, I have to respect your decision to do that. I think you need to make a decision. You need to kind of work out whether you are going to be able to get over this. There will very obviously be things that you need to address in the relationship because the trust has been broken retroactively.
But if this is the type of thing that you think you are not.
Going to be able to completely get over and it is going to plant such a seed of doubt in every single thing that he does from now on, and you're going to feel the need to go through his phone, You're going to feel the need to be with him when he's out, rather than him being able to go out and do his own thing and be independent.
If you're not.
Going to be able to get over those things, I don't think that you're going to be able to move forward in the relationship. Yeah.
I mean it's a really tricky one answering this. Firstly, I think do people cheat in the early stages of relationships, and can the relationship then evolve and you be in a completely different place. Yes, that's a possibility, right. It is a possibility that he kind of made a commitment to you. You guys have had the conversation. He was like, yep,
I'm all locked in. This girl came back. It was like, you know, you guys have only been dating for a couple of months, and he was like, well, I'm not actually as committed as maybe I verbally said I was, and he cheated on you, and now he actually does feel more in love with you and more committed in the relationship. Those things are possibilities. My question, though, is you say how much of a red flag is this? I would still say it's a very big red flag.
I personally wouldn't want to be in a relationship with somebody who had made a commitment to me and yet that entire time was still texting another girl who was overseas, and then when she came back, decided he wanted to try it out and fuck her, Like that's what happened here. He was texting her the whole time, he stayed in
contact with her. He committed to you because you were the best thing that was available here, and then when she came back, he still tested the waters there and then passing it off as being I was scared and confused and unsure what where was he in the dark,
Like what was he scared about? Like I think sometimes we can try and explain and reason away and justified cheating when really it was just a very and like I know that this kind of contradicts some of the things that when we've had the psychologists on board and they've said that there's always a root cause of cheating. I think there is always a root cause of cheating in long term relationships, but in new relationships there's not a root cause. That is a condition of the relationship.
It's usually a condition of selfishness. It's a condition of lack of investment or lack of commitment. But I think if you've verbally made that commitment, then you owe it to the person to treat them in the way that you would in a committed relationship. Doesn't matter if you're at the one month mark, the six month mark, or the one year mark. You've made that commitment to put your energy and effort into the person that you're dating
and that you're exclusive with. Otherwise, what the fuck was the point of having that conversation around exclusivity if he was still in that time messaging a girl who was overseas.
Well, I think it's because he was scared of losing the person who's written the question in this is such a clear case. If he wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and he did have his cake and eat it.
Too, and he got away with it, But the only reason why he didn't get away with it was because this person who obviously felt cheated as well, She obviously felt hard done by, She obviously felt like she had been lied to, was overseas traveling, was in contact with this guy this whole time, came back, reignited something, and then realized that he was living these two alternate lives that suited him while there was a girl that was
overseas and he could get away with it. For me, the bigger thing here is that I think that this is an indication of a character.
It's an indication of the type.
Of person that he is that he could so easily switch between the two. Does that mean that he's not going to move forward in a relationship and ever be monogamous or committed. No, of course it doesn't. He very much. Could you know now that he's made his decision and now that you guys are nine months into your relationship, it may be different. And I think the bigger question it's what you posed keish, but coming back to it is can you get over it?
Because they're two very different things. Right.
If you can get over the lying and the lack of commitment and all those sorts of things and the mismatch, then yeah, sure, you guys can forge forward in this relationship. But if it's going to be something that is going to rear its head constantly, that's going to make you feel as though you can't trust him, then unfortunately that's going to do a lot of damage here. But the two questions that you've posed is is this a red flag?
And for me, absolutely, I'm not saying that you need to throw your relationship away, and you've made it really, really clear, you know, I think I really want to make this work and give him another chance. So I don't want to sit here and say, well you should break up, like you know, this guy's a flog. I think you treated you badly, And I think you can have someone say to you that they're very sorry, they've done the work and that you know they were scared
and it was a hard time. Whatever the fucking bullshit they want to say. You can listen to that and you can have empathy for them because you're a good person and you want to believe the things that are being said to you, and I understand why. But I also think don't lack critical thinking around the way that you were treated.
I think that actually brings up another question of whether you believe people can fundamentally change, and that's a really personal thing.
You know.
There's a saying once a.
Cheater, always a cheater, and a lot of people do feel that way, Yeah, but I don't.
I do.
I don't know if I agree with that.
I mean, I've cheated in past relationships, and I never ever ever would cheat on Matt, Like never, in my wildest dreams. It wouldn't matter what happened in our life or in our scenario, I would never ever cheat on him.
If it's there though, this girl is in the same relationship. Yeah, So like, is it once a cheater in that relationship, lays a cheater in that relationship, or is it a character trait that spreads across all relationships totally? Is it only that you cheated in a previous relationship and you wouldn't cheat in another relationship because you have more respect for the person, or you have a deeper level of commitment to the person totally?
Or I justified the reasons why it was okay for me to do so, which obviously, looking back, I don't agree with it, But in that moment, at that age, at that level of like lack of understanding about relationships, yeah, I absolutely justified it.
Away.
When I think of this, I mean, you're twenty eight, he's thirty one, and I don't want to like relate your situation back to me, because I'm going to that might be frustrating for you, but this is more so because of the way in which I struggled to get over cheating. So I was in a long term relationship and he was brilliant. We had a great relationship. He was a really, really, really great guy. Been together for
a year and a half, we lived together. All things were stacking up for us to have you be together long term. And I found out maybe a year into our relationship that at the start of it, he was still sleeping with his ex girlfriend and that he was still on and off with her, and things were I thought that things were completely over. They were obviously way messier than he ever let on for me, and that
that had continued for a couple of months. And I wanted to stay because we lived together, we own stuff together, and I was like, we're a year deep now in this relationship, and I was like, I don't want what happened three months in to define where we are now. The issue I had is that the resentment was so great.
I had so much resentment for the lying and also because I was so insecure about this ex girlfriend, Like I had so much retroactive jealousy for her, and it was because I knew, I knew in my core I was being lied to. So I had so much resentment for him that this had happened, and that the lying had continued for the year of our life relationship that I was never able to get over it. But it eroded something in me that I wasn't able to get over.
And I think that that's really such a defining thing when cheating happens, if you're able to mentally move past it and genuinely move past it as a team. But if you say you're going to move past it, but you hold on to all that like hatred and resentment and all of those feelings, it makes it like an impossible thing to move forward with.
Do you know what? I also think it can do though, it containt your memories, So you can be in a situation where, you know, let's say you went on a holiday together three months into your relationship for this girl, So this is two weeks after the rounds of cheating happened, and you thought you had this amazing time.
You thought you were, you know.
Newly in love and like connecting so well, it makes you question, like was that a reality for both of us. Or were you just like, were you just pretending because you felt so guilty about something you'd done a week ago, like you'd slept.
With this other person, or were you on that holiday texting another girl the whole time?
On hundred percent?
And I think it can really taint your memories, and that has the ability to kind of gaslight you over your own reality. So the only advice that I think I would have for you, like if you were my friend coming to me and saying this, I would say, let's keep talking about this, because so often in these situations, I.
Think we can feel a little bit embarrassed.
You know that this person has deceived us for so long and that we had no idea that this was going on, and we can be tempted to not want to talk about it with our friends because we think it makes us lose a little bit of dignity. I really hope you don't feel that way. I hope that you have a friend that you can talk to about this, because he actually needs to be accountable to someone outside of you as well. You are the one with the rose colored glasses, because you have the emotions and the
feelings for him. I feel as though in these situations our friends can be really good because they're a little bit more impartial to have your back, and so if this type of thing starts to eat away at you, they will be able.
To keep you in check.
You don't know someone at the six month mark of a relationship. You don't even know someone completely necessarily at the nine month mark, because you've not gone through all the big stages of a relationship that shows you how someone is and who they're going to be. And he may be amazing, and this might have been a big mistake. He might be super narcissistic and someone who has no issue with lying and being able to bend the truth
in ways. You won't know this until more of his personality and more of who he is comes to light. But I would say, if you are committed and you really desperately want to give this another chance, I'm not gonna sit here and tell you not to. But those rose colored glasses are off now, all right? Question number two.
I've been seeing a guy for a month. So far, so good.
Convo's good hobbies, a line values a line, and watching him work out was a beautiful sight. But he's going away in two weeks for a two month trip with a mate, Usually it would be way too soon to define the relationship. But with him going away, my question is do I ask are we not sleeping with other people during this time? I feel like it's usually too soon to ask, But I also think that if he likes me, he shouldn't want to. He has also told me that he's deleted all the apps, which is how we met.
Do I have the conversation where is he going on his two week trip?
Like?
Is he going to Mexico? Is he going to Cancun?
Like?
Is he going to Vegas?
Going to Vatican?
Is he going to the Vatican?
Like?
It's very I think that that's an.
Important part of what might make you be like what is happening here? Like?
What type of trip is he going on?
I don't know. You can hook out with people on any.
That's true, not in a Mormon community, though maybe he's going to do like you know, he could be going on a Bible trip.
I don't know, Keisha, Have I ever told you that the first time I saw the coliseum was like on a.
Walk of shame?
You saw the Colisseum on a walk of shame?
Yeah?
Were you like, this is a beautiful moment in life that I will one day talk about on a podcast.
I absolutely was not. I was like, Wow, that's not how I thought this would go.
This is beautiful at seven am in the morning, I mean, brilliant. Look I when it comes to anything like this, And yes, I know you're like, Okay, it might be too soon.
You've only been dating for a month.
He obviously had this tripped planned way before you met, So it's just unfortunate the timing, I would say, ask the question. I guess my worry for you is is like, what would be the outcome? What's the worst case scenario here? The worst case scenario is he says, look, I'm not ready to be exclusive yet, in which case he's telling you I'm going overseas and I'm going to you know, get it on with other people.
I'm open to the opportunity.
Yeah, I'm gonna potentially get down to hanky pankytown. Which you have to decide that at this point of four weeks of dating, are you okay with that? Like, will you I mean, going back to what we just said, will you hold onto resentment for that? If he hooks up with ten chicks while he's away. Are you gonna be like successive.
In two weeks?
I mean it is, but it could happen. Are you going to hate him for that? Will he come back from this trip and you're gonna have massive ick because that's a very big possibility. I think the worst alternate is not asking him and hoping that he doesn't and then finding out that he does and being really really
hurt because you were sitting around waiting for him. I think it's so easy to just ask a question of like, I know that this seems premature, but I just want to kind of know where we're at before you go on this trip. It might be obvious to you, but just so I'm not in the dark on this. Are you hooking up with other people while you're away or do you have the intention of, you know, keeping your options open while you're away.
Firstly, I think the better question to ask is are we hooking up with other people? Because you've always got to plant the fail? Yeah I might exadly be doing
it too. Yeah that may change their answer. But I think also you need to have a think about how you view sex, because for some people it can be something that really makes you feel emotionally connected to someone, and for other people it can just simply be a physical act that is euphoric, particularly when you're traveling, Like you know, it's just kind of a part of the fun is that you wild people.
In my own experiences, both of those things have occurred.
So I've hooked up with people while I've been traveling where it was just a one and done like that was so much fun. Really enjoyed the experience, but didn't think that it changed anything emotionally for me, and didn't change anything for me at home.
It's kind of like this weird experience that is out of.
Bottom means nothing.
It did mean something to me, It meant fun, and it meant a really good experience, but it means nothing from an emotional connection.
And that's and people can one hundred percent dis associate themselves in terms of like sex and feelings. Absolutely like it feels good and it's fun, like that was the extent of it. I don't have any connection or like even want to see that person again. But regardless of that,
it doesn't change the fact that it still hurts. It still hurts if someone you really like goes and just has fun with someone else and sticks their dick inside them like that still hurts, still makes you not feel still makes you feel really unfun when you're on the other side of it, I mean really no, because.
It makes you think like, oh, they're off having these euphoric experiences and here I am at home. I'm just the normal one at home whose life isn't changing for two weeks, which is why I think it's important you say, ah, we even if you're not going to be hooking up with other people, I think you just need to evaluate how you're going to feel.
If he was to say, look.
Yeah, I probably am going to hook up with people, and you need to decide whether that is going to fundamentally change things.
For you or whether you don't really care.
Because if you don't really care, I don't know how much knowing that information is actually going to help you.
I think she cares. I don't think she would be asking the question if she didn't care. I think if she didn't care, she would be like, whatever, let's just you go, acknowledging the fact that it's probably highly likely and not wanting clarity on it. I think the very reason that she's asking it would indicate that.
She cares, Yeah, But do you care from an ego perspective, like do you care only because you're like, well, you're going off having these fun times and I'm at home not doing that, or do you care because you think it shifts the relationship.
That you've started.
I think at this point, you know, at the four week mark of dating someone, especially when it's the four week mark of dating someone knowing full well that they're going on a two week boys trip. From the start, It's not like he just dropped this on you if you've known this since the beginning of your dating and he hasn't brought up exclusivity, and he hasn't said, look, I'm going on this trip, but I'm not going to
be seeing anyone else. Even though he said I've deleted the apps, I would make the assumption that he's not ready to make a commitment pre trip.
Very good chance he's going to come home from.
This trip, especially because he's already seated enough of it of like, you know, I've deleted the apps, but I'm going to download them when I'm in you know, whatever, the Vatican. But I would say that he probably will keep his options open whilst he's overseas to not limit
his fun and experiences and all of those things. And maybe if I was you, especially with it only being at the four week mark, if you really like the guy, I would be putting a mental pause on things, and like especially right now, trying not to get too invested knowing that there is this like handbrake that's being pulled for two weeks and just kind of you keep seeing
other people, you keep doing other things. Because I don't like the idea of him saying I've deleted all the apps implying exclusivity if it doesn't exist, because that's where you're gonna get yourself into a situation where you feel as though you were hard done by it, or you were tricked, or you know, he implied commitment and then you found out actually he did X y Z while he was traveling. I don't think it is too soon
to ask the question at all. And I really really love the way that you phrased it, Keisha, because I was only coming to it from a are you going to be doing this while you're away?
But I think by asking are we going to be doing this while.
You're away, you no longer come across as clinging you no longer come across as.
Like, oh, don't go and have sex with other people.
You're like, I'm clarifying this for myself because I don't want to hurt you either.
So let's just check.
Because I'm probably are fucking live but at works because I have such a long list of men who are waiting to fuck me whilst you're gone.
So as soon as you.
Leave Harry, he's at it. Here got two week window of having fun times, you know what I mean?
Like, I think making it such an open thing and making it about the both of you and about how you're both going to engage in things while he's away, it really shifts the almost like accusation of it, or it shifts the intensity of it and from it being about like what he's doing while he's on holidays.
The only other thing I do want to say is that I think if you do end up deciding not to have the conversation, I don't think you should ask him when he gets Absolutely not, because I think you know a lot of us. Curiosity killed the cat, and curiosity could kill your relationship if you decide to not ask him what their kind of boundaries are before he goes away, but then you ask him after the fact and you find out that things did hook up with
someone else, like, yeah, things you don't like. I don't think it's fair to kind of apply that exclusivity even though you didn't have the chat.
Yeah, but that's so hard.
The thing that's so hard about that is when you've had four weeks of dating someone and four weeks of being intimate with them, it's a very short period of time. But I understand that, like a lot of intensity can be achieved, especially if you're someone who's like all in on a relationship. You're in that like, ah, oh my god, this guy's amazing phase and you don't want to say or do anything that's going to screw it up, right, But then they go away for two weeks and then
they come back. You don't know if they've had sex with other people, and then it's the feeling of like, oh, well, had they had an STI check, like did they go and get a sexual So I'm going to ask to protect myself, right, I'm going to be like, so, did you sleep with anyone else?
Why you're overseas?
Because I want to know from uh am I going to be safe, which is such an interesting mindset because I know that that's where some people will go to. But do you get into a new relationship every single time you first date someone and have sex with them? Go, when was the last time you had your sexual health check? Have you slept with anyone since your last sexual health check?
Do you know? I mean?
Am I only out of here? Because I definitely have asked that question many times?
Do you ask them as soon as you start dating?
I think you should before we have any type of unprotected set.
Good.
Yeah, but you know what I have done.
I've asked the question in the past under the premise of it being for my safety, when really I was just trying to find out whether they had slept with someone else or not.
Do you know what I mean?
Like it definitely it was something that was absolutely on my mind.
But I've asked it for more.
Than one reason.
Yeah, I think the happy medium of this is, like you want to have a conversation, like you said, Laura, she does care, just pose it as what are we doing? You know, like I'm just I'm just surveying the landscape, rather than it kind of being.
A little bit of a like are you gonna be hooking? Up with other people like.
It's less accusatory, you know, and I think it will give you a better progression in your potential relationship.
So good luck.
This one is very spicy and I have very strong feelings about it.
Blow job etiquette.
I was in a seventeen year relationship, married with two kids. It was a tough time when we separated, and I gave myself a year before I started dating again. I hadn't dated a lot before I got married, and I have just dating a bit now and it has been fun and hard and an emotional rollercoaster.
No pun intended.
But my question is what is the etiquette when giving a blowjob? Should he ask you or tell you before he comes in your mouth? I went out with a guy on a few dates, and the first time we were intimate together, I was quite surprised when I went down on him, and a short time later he just came in my mouth without saying anything. Until after he came he said, good girl. I felt degraded and a
bit used. To be honest, I usually don't mind this happening, but previous guys have always asked or warned me, so I can make a choice. What do you think I hate this man bought a flog?
Good girl? Did he pat you on the head and give you a treat? You're not a dog.
I actually it makes me feel like I've wanted to vomit.
I feel physically sick.
That whah, Okay, My feelings, my strong feelings around this are having some one, a guy come in your mouth is an opt in situation, and if they don't ask you that, if you're okay with that, they are doing something that is without your consent. You can give a blowjob up to the point of them coming, but if they have not explicitly gotten permission to do so, they
have absolutely crossed the line. And that is how I feel about this, because it is there is such a big difference between giving a blowjob and having someone actually come in your mouth. They are two completely different things.
I couldn't lame with you more so, I'm not going to read it ate.
And it makes me feel angry that he thinks that this is okay, and that then in such a like a oh, it's like so infantizing, like good girl, That's actually.
Where the bigger problem for me happened. Let's say hypothetically he came without much warning and for some reason, he didn't have enough time to indicate to you, this is about to happen.
I need you.
You don't believe I still don't believe it.
It's not common, but let's just say it for this the sake of argument that that is what occurred.
He would say sorry.
He should apologize and say sorry that I didn't check with you. Whether that was okay or not. His reaction is the most concerning part for me. Yes, I firstly, I think it absolutely should be and agreed upon situation as to what is happening with that product.
If it's not, I can't stop shivering because I feel viscerally sick.
And I have no issue with doing it. It's just like I have an issue with it being some random guy that didn't ask.
If I was okay with it, because it is.
It is so invasive, the good girl bullshit, like sorry, so premeditated. I don't think anything in that situation could make me feel more sick. I don't think anything would make me like want to get out. And also, just so you know, that's not normal.
I'm not a virgin.
Mary.
There has never been a circumstance where someone has done that without asking me and the and said good girl to me and patted me on the head, like the minority.
I'm not saying, Okay, if you're into like being caught a good little girl like that could be a king for you, that's fine. But for me, it's the not knowing that you're okay with that, right, that's a different thing. It's if you're okay with being told that you're a good little girl and getting spanked, like that's fine, but that's something that you have to he has to know that you enjoy. Otherwise it is degrading. Otherwise it is
an assumption that he is belittling you. It is infantizing, like it is the way that you felt, I think is overarchingly a normal reaction that most women would feel.
And he absolutely went beyond blowjob etiquette, like he does not either he doesn't know what isn't isn't okay or he's purposely done this, and both of those things are not all right, right, Like it's not okay to not know and not to be conscious enough around like what constitute consent when it comes to sex, Like we're old enough and silly enough now that and there's been there's enough educational material out there that there is no excuse
to not know. And secondly, if he's doing it on purpose, he's an absolute effing flog because he's prioritizing his sexual gratification over your comfort and where your boundaries lie. Usually there is some indication, whether they've asked you whether it's okay or not okay, there's some indication that they're about to do it. They'll say I'm about to come, They'll say something that allows you to make up your mind as to whether you want that to be in your
mouth or not. There is, But if he like purposely made no indication of that, it's almost more like he was trying to kind of get one past the goalkeeper to say, I'm just trying to think of a time where i haven't known that someone was gonna come, and it's like I've always known, because there's always been some indication, which makes me think for him to be able to just do it without you realizing, he would have had to have suppressed all of the telltale signs that it
was about to happen in order to get away with doing it, so that he could get it past you without giving you the choice. It's there's many levels of gross here.
I so unanimously agree with you, like, I don't think there's ever been a question where we have felt this opinionated but been on the same side of the fence, I think, and I'm giving way too much benefit of the doubt when I said, like, you know, maybe it happened by accident, but it is possible. And for the chance of possibility. For me, it's the reaction to this that is the bigger issue. It's the fact that there wasn't an apology. There was.
He didn't.
It was an expectation, good guests, Yes he didn't.
He actually has not at all checked the consent box here with you, because he just did something and assumed that it was absolutely fine to do. And I think if I were in that situation, I would probably be just as shocked as you know.
So I don't think it's even worse. It's not that he thought it was absolutely fine to do. He didn't care whether it was fine or not. That's the thing. It goes beyond him thinking it's okay. He didn't care if it was okay, And that's the thing I have a problem with.
Yeah, chuck this guy in the bin. Please don't go out with him again, like, don't even reply to him. This is it's really gross behavior. And it's all so indicative of what a relationship with him may be like. Because if he's not checking for consent on something like that, what else is he not gonna check with you on?
You know, like to me, that is it is. It is one of the biggest red flags.
I would say, you can have a conversation about it, because like he he may have in that instance gotten signs from you that you were okay with it, and he may have so deeply, like I'm giving the benefit of the dabt at the very end, yet he may have so deeply misinterpreted that situation, which says a lot
and he shouldn't have. But if you say to him, hey, actually that kind of made me feel gross and I didn't like that, and you know, in future, can you please like, you know, at least I ask if I'm okay with it, or give me some sort of warning signs so that I have the opportunity to choose. It's his reaction to that conversation which is really going to be the nail in the coffin for me. If he's like, oh my god, I'm so sorry I thought that fucking hell,
I misread that so deeply. That is a whole different action then, Like, what do you mean you know we're all enjoying ourselves.
Yeah, to me, it just like it is on the side of being too like forgiving of something that should be such a fundamental understanding of research for someone that I'm kind.
Of a bit like, is that diminishing?
But if he turns around you do that conversation and says, bad girl, get a fuck out of there, like, oh, bad little girl.
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