Life on Cut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never seated. We pay our respects to their elders past and present.
Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was recorded on d Rug Wallamuta Land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life on Cut. I'm Laura, I'm Brittany, and we have a very special guest joining us once again. He's become a permanent fixture on the wall, on Britney's wall, on the shrine.
On the shrine. Welcome to Life on Car. Did we not scare you off the first time?
No, I had fun. I had fun.
I mean, don't get too excited about it.
Give us some in No, it's going to be good. It's going to be good. It's a new experience for me. I like new experiences.
Everybody enjoyed having you on and listening to the ins and outs of the relationship side of you guys. But we did say that we were going to get you back on to answer some ask uncut questions from a male's perspective, and that's what you are.
And that's what you do.
But before before we answer some questions which for everyone who wrote the man like, thank you so much for all your questions, but some colorful questions for Ben there were, and there was something he's refused to answer, which I had to do with some men's genitalia.
So I understand why.
He asked, Yeah, no, there's a question about like a ballsack, and he was like, maybe we can.
Pass that one.
Yeah, I mean, nothing is off limits for us, but apparently you have limits.
It is apparently Ben has self respect. That's what I'm.
Getting discussing another men's ballsack wasn't high on your list for today?
No, it wasn't what I imagine when I woke.
Up to Well, I think the number one question to start with and it's a question on everyone's lips is how's your ballsack?
Yeah, it's great. Can confirm is the shrine the shrine? You saw it finally in real life?
Is it as bad as everyone Laura producer Keisha, don't founder me in there.
I had not seen the shrine. I was only being told secondhand about the shrine. I also saw it for the first time when Ben saw it.
To be fair, it is a little bit weird because a shrine is meant to be for dead people.
And I know it's not a shrine. They've told me it's a shrine. I don't think it's a shrine.
Okay, guys, don't fight.
I don't like it's meant to be meant to be a display of our love, which is fine, which is great, it's cute, but it's kind of like arranged, like I've deceased or something.
It's like candles around on the floor. There's a few.
It's like roses, white roses and all that kind of stuff.
All about it is three photos. That's it in my whole house.
I think we need to add some more photos to kind of take the shininess out of it.
As in photos not of you, photos of other things like Delilah with me being on.
The wall, but that makes it more shriny.
No, I think it's just it's just a Paris photo shoot. I think we have some lovely pictures together. I think we need to add some more so it's a little bit of diversity.
Okay, right now, it's more like a homage to Paris. Although then I do want to kind of very romantic from me. By the way, Yeah, you did a really great job. You guys both are black models. But I do think that if it was to add more photos to the wall from different parts of yours, it's that makes it real shrining. Right now, it's just like a nice tribute, but we're heading real, We're heading really deep into shrine territory.
I just want to make a.
Tribute to my love.
This is a tribute.
Don't have to Ben, to be fair. We we have this thing where we take polaroid pictures and we have you're going.
To make everyone's going to know how crazy.
I know.
We have a whole book of poloids and it was Ben's idea. Ben bought a polaroid.
No, it was my sister's Christmas gift.
Yeah, but then you were like, let's take polaroids all around the world and make a polaroid book.
So that's what we do. So we have a polaroid shrine. That's cute. No, I like that, but like it's it's nice that it's in a book where you don't have to.
Look at it. Everyone.
Okay, So what's the verdict. Take the shrine down you want to take because I'm gonna I'm going to I'm just going to take them all down. Stuff you all, I'm gonna take all pictures down. You don't get you don't get a spot on my wall.
Okay, can we stop fighting about the shrine. It looks very polished. It's hung a little bit too high for we're going to get critical, but it's great and I think the shrine is fine, and you know what, maybe produce a Keisha went hard on the shrine situation to start with, but our listeners came in hard for you.
They taught you and they don't think it's shiny.
And I appreciate that from every single listener because I felt really Victimi.
It's not an interior designer. And one thing I'd.
Like to add that I don't think people are aware of the criticism that did come through about the shrine was that they were too small and they were too high on the wall.
That they are definitely too high. They literally bought.
What I would like to say is I moved into Laura Burn's house and those holes were already there. I took the holes that you put on the wall have up.
I had just had a massive picture of a palm tree. Mine was a shrine to summer. Anyway, let's move on from the shrine. Then, one thing that we did get off the back of last week episode was that we spoke a lot about the two of you, your relationship, how you guys met, but not really much about who you are as a person when you're not with Britney. So I guess like understanding a little bit of a background as to who you are, like where you grew up, I think would be a great way to kick off
this before we get into answering questions. Now you don't get off scott free. We ask everyone who sits behind these microphones, what is your accidentally unfiltered story? Which is basically, if you are a true fan of the podcast, you know your most embarrassing story.
In football, right, there's this thing where when you signed for a new team, you have to go up and sing. So basically, you've never met those guys. You signed for a team. You say hello to everyone, Hey, nice to meet you, blah blah blah, I'm going to be here, whether it's on loan or new team, and you have
to stand up at dinner. Everybody spang in their glasses and you are nervous, like nervous as hell like because you know after dinner you're going to have to sing in front of strangers and all that kind of stuff.
So wait, what do you mean sing? Why would you sing.
That initiation type of deal. I've been at teams where you have to pay money, or you have to pay for dinner for everyone's dinner, all that kind of stuff. But normally you're in training camp somewhere for the team bonding and pre seasons on the way, and you know, I've been on loan or I've been away from my parent club three times in the years. I had to sing three times in a year, and I hate it.
It's really it's nerve racking. I'm like shaking. It was well, it was meant to be eight No mountain high enough. First of all, it's singing in English, which is obviously not my mother tongue. You're singing in front of strangers who are booing you, they're throwing food at you, fucking horrible, and you literally stand there with a little banana and your hand or soult shaker or whatever, and the room's quiet.
You don't have a microphone, obviously very professional, and you just have to go for thirty seconds and if they don't like it, they just go right do another song. And all that kind of stuff and it really ruins your day. It's really embarrassing. I can't sing. I'm happy to play football in front of people, in front of a stadium, in front of a crowd. If I have to go up on stage on a chair and talk
to people, install sphearing me. So we're literally standing there with my shake and going, we're not just.
A tiny little bit. We won't make you do thirty seconds, just.
Ten listen, baby, ain no mountain, Hi, ain't no valleylone? And then you.
Ain't no realver?
Why enough, baby? If you need me, call me, no matter where do you are, no matter how far.
No worry, babe. I think it's woldy endearing. I think that's embarrassing at all. I didn't throw.
Banana at you anything. Yeah it was that good, Okay, it was impressive. I really wanted to get to the encore though, I mean to the chorus. I wanted to get to the middle of it.
Well, normally you pick a song where people can clap along, so everybody gets involved. But because you don't know the crowd, you don't know the people, you just pick which song you feel you can do the best.
You're not picking like Celindi on ballace. No, no, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Yeah, all right, well let's get into some of the questions and never hear you sing again.
So the first one, first one that came in, how tall are you?
Six? With six?
It's so tall even I feel a little standing next to you. And that's a rarity, Like I don't really feel little next to anyone.
No, neither do I. It's a nice comfort.
Where you're Can we just unpack that for a second. It's a nice comfort.
Why why do you need to feel little because I'm broad and I'm tall.
She keeps complaining about her neck because she has to like look up to give me a kiss.
Think about all the short girls I go to a chiropractice now since I'm that's not an exaggeration, since I started dating Ben's.
I'm kissing guys. Yeah, use your imagination.
I genuinely have to My neck goes at an unnatural bend to look up at him all the time.
What Keisha, who's like four foot nothing is standing next to us, Like, what the fuck are you talking about?
Five foot one? She's five? Right, it's good for you to do that, he just said.
It's actually good it's good for you to look up because we're all on our phone so much looking down.
Yeah, what can confirm it's not?
Well?
Tell us a little bit about where you grew up, because you live in Scotland.
Now that's not where you grew up.
No. I grew up in Switzerland in a small town. Started playing football when I was six, and then kind of got scouted the first time by FC Bars which was like the big team, when I was ten, and that was like the first big step. You're going to professional academy and all that kind of stuff.
Is that very young for being sort of scattered or is that kind of a standard age.
Kind of standard I think I really find it hard if somebody says, hey, he's six years old, he's ten years old, he's got a chance, he's got no chance. I think it's very hard on young boys. Girls dreams to somebody say a ten years old, hey, you've got a chance, so I think you can make it. I think there are many ways to become a professional athlete, whether it's people blossom early, people blossom late. But in the norm it's like the sooner you can get into an academy, the better.
But ten years old seems pretty young for someone to say you're not.
Going to be good enough.
I think it also depends on the place in which you grow up, because I think it also depends on how prolific soccer is the town that you were living in.
You know, can we refer to it as football?
Sorry? Sorry? Sorry? Football blah blah blah. Do you not mean to offend you?
But I do think, like, you know, for some people, they might get into the sport a little bit later, but where you grew up, it was colored massive. Yeah, and it was common for kids to start very young.
Yeah, yeah, for sure. I mean Switzerland is lucky. We've got the Mountain, so there's a lot of winter sports, skiing, ice hockey's very popular, gymnastics and all that kind of stuff. So we're a small nation with a lot of options, for sure, but football is definitely number one.
So when you actually got into and you were kind of I guess scattered at such a young age, what's the transition then, like, like do they kind of just keep an eye on you, do they have you in a specific team, do they really sort of push intensive training onto you at that age?
Like how do you then move through the ranks?
So yeah, you're training really intensifies. So from your local team you where you maybe train once or twice a week, it's straight away to maybe four times when you're ten years o. And as you go through the ranks would be every day, you know, maybe six times a week obviously games on the weekend and all that kind of stuff.
So you really progress with your age group. And it's literally like a pyramid system where at the end of every year, the weakest one kind of falls away, and maybe new additions come in and all that kind of stuff. So it's really it's really a competitive environment from a very young age.
And are they instilling this disciplining you as a child, like I know as an adult athlete you obviously have to watch what you eat and you don't drink, and you train so hard and you have vitamins and you do all this stuff. Do they start doing that at ten twelve years old in the academy or do they give you still a little bit of leeway like you're still a kid, you're still maturing.
No, they still let you be kids. I do remember we got this list in preseason and they says, okay, you can have this and this, like your parents supposed to pack you this lunch and supposed to have one slice of bread and ten grams of butter and one slice of ham. And my parents are like, let the kids be kids, let them meet what they want. But I think at ten years old they did a great job of giving you other stuff, like, you know, manners
and all that kind of stuff. So to this day, if I meet somebody up, I take my hat off, because at ten years old, when the coach came, he said, well take your hat off when you say hello, and a firm handshake and all that kind of stuff. So they give you also stuff you need in daintly life, not just you have to take vitamins and all that kind of stuff. I think that comes maybe a little bit later, when you're more in your teenage years.
And when you enter this kind of program at such a young age, do they still prioritize like schooling education alongside sport or does sport take a precedence.
Sport is really at night, evening nighttime. I was still in normal school, which meant probably got home from training at I don't know, eight o'clock, and then it's quickly food and then it's another two hours of homework, so it's it is tough. Later on, I went into a sports school, if you will, where I was there with twenty twenty five other athletes playing different kinds of sports, where we would get Tuesday and Thursdays in the morning, we'll get off school, we would go to training, we'd
have extra training. It's kind of a center of excellence type vibes. And Friday's afternoon we would have off as well, so your weekly lessons would reduce from thirty eight hours to about twenty five so you can balance your school. Make sure you know, on a Friday afternoon, if you needed to go to away games, you have time to do that. I was really lucky to have a supportive family, who you know, my grandparents would pick me up from school just to make it on time to training and
pack my bags. And I've ruined about five washing machines just because of diving in the martin and sand and all that kind of stuff. So I always had my support system at home, so for me, it was always only football. Obviously, my parents made sure my mom in particular, that you know, you're going to have to get your grades and all that kind of stuff, which is very important of course, and the sports class kind of enabled me to do both because he can get a little
bit too much. But I think it starts off as a dream, and I think football is still fun up to a certain age. And then when it comes to the point where you turn professional and start earning a little bit of money, I think that's when football starts to become a job. And I mean a job. It's a passion, it's something I love. It's something you should love,
like I love football. But I think the fun goes out as a child and goes into a professional environment where it's really if I don't do well this year, I might not be here next year. And I think as a young kid, that's like it can be a little bit scary, and I think in a moment, you don't realize that this is actually the case. You just want to have fun and play football with your mates.
But I think that's the switching point from it just being a hobby and having fun to right, I'm gonna have to make this work if I really want it. When I was sixteen, I left to go to England. I was scouted by a team called aston Villa, which is in Birmingham, and I was still in school and you know, eventually I left for England, spent seven years in England, really grew up as a young man as an adult, and to this days one of the best
times I've had. Also because I had some difficult times with injuries where you know, you don't just recover in a week or two months on the sideline and during a foreign country with you know, people you're not familiar with, in a different cold show how things are done differently, communications differently, and I really enjoyed it. I still got friends to this day from my old team. And then I decided to go play in Switzerland, in my home country for two years, and I thought it would be great,
and he wasn't great. I didn't enjoy living back home. I'm probably the only Swiss person who doesn't want to be there. Yeah, I want to be there.
What was your reasoning for what? Not wanting to be there? I'm not enjoying it.
It was difficult because I grew up British in a way where this is how football is done in an academy in the UK, the biggest league in the world, and I go to Switzerland and it was just a different mentality. It was a lot more me, me, me, what can I get, Look what I have, Look what I can afford type of mindset, whereas maybe the team spirit wasn't as good, which obviously showed we got relegated in the first year.
Relegation means when a team is in the.
Top division that dropped down one because they had a bad season. Right, So when those two years came to an end, I said, hey, I really want to go back to the UK. End up in Scotland, signed for Dundee United, played there for four years. It was a team who was, yeah, a little bit in in disarray, was in the Championship, which is the second division in Scotland. We were close to getting promoted. The first season we lost on penalties on the last day, which was heartbreaking. Yeah.
The second year we got promotions, so we went up to the top but it was the COVID year, so it was no celebrations like you finally achieved what you set out to achieve and you celebrate it on the balcony because you're only allowed to leave the house for
one hour. And then the following year was the first year in the Premiership, in the top league with all the big teams and there were no spectators there and you just kind of playing training ground games where you're playing match days, but there's nobody to cheer you on. All the big experience.
Energy is different.
Yeah, the energy is completely different. And then finally my last year there it was full house, soldout games, and then I decided not to extend my contract.
Why did you want to leave?
I just felt like I have proven myself over those four years or two years, especially in the top league, and I wanted to take that next step and play for a bigger team with higher ambition, with winning trophies, with you know, maybe international football. And then the opportunity came up to join Celtic, where I'm at now, which is by far the best club in Scotland, the most professional club in Scotland. I mean, the fan base is
huge worldwide. Obviously I met britt here when I was here with Celtic and we had ten fifteen thousand people come to our stadium and watch our games. So everything that comes with a big team is what I wanted. A professionalism, the attitude, the coaching, the facilities, and Celtic really have it as it all.
You said something interesting before, had the question, oh, we're just going to ask you some things, like, you know, where do you see yourself in five years time, and then responded to that with I have no idea where I'm going to be in five years time. And I think that could be confronting for some people, because some people have a very clear vision of where they want their life to be at each sort of milestone goal.
But what you mentioned is that when you work in a professional football sense, or maybe in a professional sporting sense, it can be quite hard to pinpoint where your life's going to be because you're dictated by opportunities and you're
dictated by the teams that want you. How do you navigate that inability to kind of grasp what's in the future in terms of like planning for your future, in terms of being able to set really clear goals, or are you okay with having that as a bit of a question mark.
I think you need to be okay with having a question mark over that, because I think in football there are very little people can kind of choose where they want to play and how they want to play and at what level and all that kind of stuff. So if somebody said to you, where do you want to be in five years. I think that's more of a question of what would you have liked to achieved in five years rather than where would you want to be
in five years. Because transfer windows, there are change of management, they are change of circumstances, injuries and all that kind of stuff, so it could really go in any direction.
For boys. Obviously a global sports, so there are a lot of good teams across the globe, but it really is one of them ones where when the opportunity comes up of maybe a transfer or a loan which is when you kind of leave your parent club to go play for another team for six months, you have to evaluate those things and you just don't quite know what's
around the corner. The boy's very short lived in terms of your career is in your younger ages, so you need to maximize your opportunity, your income and all that kind of stuff, but you just don't quite know when and where the next opportunity comes from, so you literally could be anywhere.
I think it makes it hard in a relationship, and I think it's the most difficult thing that we have come across now is that we can't make plans and we can't see where we're going to end up or how we're going to navigate it, because every time I ask do you think I should move over there? In two years? Do you think you should come over here, it's always the same answer. I can't tell you. I don't know how to make that pl because I could be gone in a year, I could be gone in
four years. So it's really hard in a relationship. It'd be hard even if we live together to make plans because you can't settle it because you don't know if you're going to move. But it's very hard when we're not physically the same kind.
I would think it is harder for a partner of an athlete. I think the athlete kind of dictates of where it's going because of the longevity of the career and all that kind of stuff and maximizing it. But I think our case is a little bit different. Where I love where i'm at, you love where you're at, and then it's probably not a matter of where. It's probably just a matter of when, in terms of when are we actually going to be physically living together and
all that kind of stuff. So it's maybe a question that's open ended where you don't know the answer. But I feel like if you talk about it and explain the situation, then the partner gets an idea of right, I understand why you can't commit to this. I understand why you think that way.
Do you find and maybe this is more Christian Febritt, do you find the understanding makes it easier or do you still think it's challenging not having sort of like a clear direction, because like I mean, especially for women, when you want to have like a bit of a time frame for your personal self, do you find that hard or is it something that you can work to.
It's a double edged sword.
It makes it easier when you understand and one hundred percent understand. I know how it works now, and we talk about it all the time. But it's funny because I understand it and we have the conversation, and then three weeks go past and I ask the same question again. And it's not because I don't understand, it's because it's all I think about. And that also, I think has to do with where I'm out in life and where we're out in life, and by that I mean age.
We speak about it many times. I'm thirty six. In a couple of months, so the kids and the family and a wedding and settling down as a couple is on my mind a lot. I'm freezing my eggs again because I think about it all the time. I think that's why I bring it up so much, because I
can't comprehend how it's going to happen. I just can't understand and I can't find an answer because we we want to have kids and we want to be together, but I love my career and my life totally, and he loves his career in his life, and neither of us are ever going to ask the other one to give it up.
But then what's the answer?
So it puts us in a really difficult place and I get really upset by it.
Ben's like I don't know where to go, and I'm like neither.
It's hard when you ask a question you don't feel like you get the answer, because everybody wants to have an answer, even if you don't like it. Sometimes you just want to have an answer. But I think it's a really open question where we don't know the answer, but those are the options.
And you're so right, like, even if you don't like the answer, people want something definitive because then they feel like they can control their life and otherwise without something definitive, it's like, well, it could be four years, it could be two years, it could be And I understand why that kind of like arbitrary openness can be anxiety inducing in terms of like football and like your ongoing career
and your age. What is like kind of the maximum age that people will stay in and when that comes, do you have a plan for what life could be like after football in terms of career options or where you might see yourself.
Yeah, So goalkeepers tend to play a little bit longer because we need to run.
Less, which is there a lazy player.
One of the perks of my job. The downside is I get hit a lot with alls and the flying boots and stuff like that. So you know, I've seen goalkeepers play till the forty three, forty two.
It's a way longer career. And Ben's thirty one.
Yeah, so hopefully I still still have many years to go. As a goalkeeper at my age is kind of like your prime if you will, You're still athletic, you're still fast, but also you have the experience of being a goalkeeper because in football everybody wants an experienced goalkeeper who is twenty years old. And I think, like any other job, everybody wants experienced people who are seventeen, eighteen or too young to be experience. Yeah, too young to actually have
the experience. So experience as a goalkeeper is also part of the package of the talents. So yeah, So hopefully I have many years left and then I've always said that I'd love to move over here eventually. Again, when and how we don't know, but Sydney.
FC, if anyone wants to take Ben as a goalkeeper, I.
Have a few more things that I want to achieve with my club. With Celtic, that end is kind of open. But I've always been into fitness. I can probably see myself being somewhat in the fitness industry after I retire from professional sports.
But I told him it can be a stay at home dad.
I've seen how much work it is with Laura, so it seems like a full time job.
Well, I think that's a nice, little proper introduction to who Ben is. And I'm genuinely.
So glad I get to introduce you to somebody like Ben and such an important person in my life.
Because at the end of the day, Laura and I have been doing this for fall so long, four years.
And like four hundred and fifty episodes, and I feel like we share so much with you, and you've been on the whole ride with us from the very beginning, and we all know that we've all been through ups and our downs, and we've had our moments, and it's nice to be able to share that I'm on a hike and I've met somebody, a really beautiful person, and your support that you guys have given us so many lovely messages about Ben, but also I reckon I have
had and I'm not exaggerating, thousands of messages since I announced Ben and I've been sharing the relationship of people just writing I'm so happy seeing you're happy, and that's it. Just like this one message and it means so much. Okay, let's get into the questions. Question number one. I think this is a really good one for Ben. You'd weigh in on because it's definitely the perspective of a man.
It literally starts with Ben, I need your help, says Ben, I need you.
This is quite a long one, so I'm going to try to summarize it, and we would also just like to say that Ben has zero experience in this.
I mean, we don't have much, but we have a little bit more than him. So hopefully the advice.
Don't take it to heart and don't come and see us if it's terrible, don't make any humongous life decisions based on whatever comes out of it. Yeah, but it could be great, Ben, this could be your new career. You might be a psychologist after this.
Well you're Ben is Actually really the number one thing I was attracted to with Ben was how emotionally engaged.
He was, not intelligence, just engage.
Well he's clogged in, but it's just he's emotionally engaged and emotionally intelligent.
And sometimes the things you came out with I was like, Wow, anyway.
Maybe i've read your book.
You did read that book?
Okay, God, I hope you didn't, do you know? I don't think we've said this, but Ben, the first time we hooked up on the one night stand, I had obviously a book then, proud of it, I've.
Got one book, and proud of it. I've got one single book.
I've got it, and he said can I take this? And I've just like the first hook up, and I was like okay, and he goes, can you sign it?
And I was like, what is a good joke. It's like, I leave Australia with a signed book and I've never met anyone who's written a book.
So I was like, hey, sign your book. Your book, it's your book, do you know.
I'm pretty sure that was the only copy that we had because it was during press time.
Yeah, and he took it.
It was our mutual way and enjoyed it. Okay, all right, A right up everyone, if you want to go and buy the book, it's still available. It's a fucking great book. Ben, I need your help. I met this beautiful man on Hinge. We planned to go bowling have dinner. A few days after talking, we got along really well. We both agreed that we were ready for something serious and don't like the concept of sleeping around because it doesn't align with our morals. We saw each other a few more times.
We had fun. We were very comfortable. He'd say things like you're beautiful, gorgeous and perfect. I could get used to being with you now. He's aware that I am a big overthinker and continuously tells me that I have nothing to worry about. However, it's been three weeks now since I have seen him. Whenever I tray and make plans, he's busy, has something on, or has something the next day that he can't make it to. He never really
has proper reasons for this. It worries me because when we started seeing each other, he was super keen on me, staying and hanging out all the time. He tells me he likes me and he likes spending time with me, but he's not actually spending time with me. His voice is concerned that he doesn't want to get hurt again, and he thinks it's moving too fast, and he says he has his walls up now. He says he's not sure if he wants something serious.
Oh just glieve.
Also the first girl he has slept with and seen since his ex, but that was a year ago. I am constantly reassuring him that I'm here for him and I am not going anywhere, and I will be patient with him. I'm happy to take things slow because I have strong feelings. Am I going to get hurt? What should I do in this situation? Because are these current actions he's displaying red flax?
So lot just summarize, says Yeah, this is why dating is so difficult to summarize.
They started off red hot, they were both keen. He has complained the slow fade.
I think she might run the risk of being just a rebound because I think she mentioned that she was the first person he's been with after but a.
Year later, I mean, was he the first person?
Yeah, well we've got to go off what she says, right or what he says.
Not always the truth everybody that's true.
Yeah, difficult one. I think just every right to kind of speak to him and kind of say, hey, listen, I feel like you've been really keen. I feel like not s key anymore, Like it's everything. Okay. You can't just be coincidence, you know, being busy and changes in his lives. But I would just be blunt and kind of say, hey, look, I really like you, but if you kind of don't like me back, then just let
me know. And obviously it might not be nice for her to hear, but I think she's better off knowing and kind of reaching out to him and say, listen, this is how I feel. But if she then gets nothing back and it's just short answers and all that kind of stuff, I think you might not be into it that much.
Well, I also think on that, like, I mean, I completely agree, but I feel like if somebody's gone from being hot, like they've made you a priority and then you've barely heard from them for three weeks, Yeah, it's definitely like three weeks is a long time your accents don't match. It's a really long time in early dating to not hear from someone, or for them to not make any effort to see you because they're too busy.
Because even if they're too busy with work or whatever else, they'll FaceTime you, they'll call you if they're really interested. If they can't physically see you, they will make you feel like you're still a priority in other ways, I think.
Yeah, I think with we were literally spending every single moment calling each other. So I was like, this happened to me, I want to tell her, or all that kind of stuff.
I also think there's an aspect here. He's basically pulled back and he's giving you nothing, and you are still saying I am here for you, I will not rush you, I will wait, I have strong feelings for you.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
You've given him every single thing saying that I'm available to you when he has said he's not available to you. So I think that there's an aspect of you being like, I'm going to be here for you no matter what, and he's like, cool, I can go to whatever I want.
Then totally it's like you literally went eighty five percent and he's come fifteen percent. He didn't have to come anywhere to try and meet you.
In that instance, I think she can maybe pull back and then see if he kind of reaches out to her, because we always kind of last minute want to hold on if we just feel like it's just leaving us or it's just running away from us. So maybe that's the way to get him back on board a little bit.
Yeah, back a bit.
And I think also I personally don't think it's necessarily healthy when you're in a very early stages of relationship. Yes, you might really like someone, but I don't think it's healthy to make yourself so available to somebody who's not
investing in you. Back and you say like you're an overthinker, and I don't think that you're overthinking when somebody hasn't shown you or done anything to reaffirm that they're interested, or that they're invested over a three week period, like if you've only just started dating and then they've gone from hot to cold, that in itself is a very confusing thing. And so you're now saying that you're totally available to him, that he you know you're not going
to hurt him. You're taking on all of the risk in this situation. He's taking on absolutely nothing, and you, at the end of the day, are going to be the one that gets hurt in this. So I think having some self preservation early on is really important and sort of saying I like you, but I need to have some clarity around where you're at in this because I'm not going to wait. I'm not going to sit
around whilst you figure out your life. I'm here. If I'm still interested when you are available and you're interested, then we can work it up then. But I think completely keeping yourself open without limits only puts yourself in a position where you can be manipulated or you can be hurt.
There is a chance to like, let's give him the benefit of the doubt.
There's a chance that you are the first person who's been with he was really hurt in his past relationship. It's early days and you've come on too hot, and when you've said I really want to be with you and just you, there's no one else. He might be a pressure. Yeah, he might be a little bit scared. So you might have come in a tiny bit hot in those early days.
So maybe take Ben's.
Advice, try and match what he's given you and pull back a bit and let him think you're out doing other things. You might be seeing other people, let him come to you, let him message you and check in on you.
If he doesn't message, you've got the answer as well. Yeah, I think it's very black and white.
Yeah, fair cool, Take your foot off the gas, all right. Question number two, I have a short shot one for you. Is it always a case of if he wanted to, he would or a guy's sometimes a little bit more complex? Now? I think that sometimes we can say, and I we've said it before, that if someone wants you, they'll make it away to you like they want to.
Be with you. You're gonna know if you're confused, they probably don't like it. But do you think it's a clear cut when it comes to men.
I think men are more complex than that, But I do think. Yeah, I do think we go after what we want, as you experienced it yourself. But I think it also depends of maybe the guy is a little bit more shy. I think we've spoken about this. Brit said to me a if we met in a bar, would you have come over to me? And I said, no, that's not that's not how I feel comfortable.
So maybe you're an online person only, not.
An online person only, But I just I wouldn't have come up to her.
Not so you would never hit on a chicken a bar. You would never.
I would, but like it just not me. No, nine out of ten times. I'm very reserved, and I would just like see if she would make the first move.
You could like a sign from yeah, you need.
You need a little bit of a sign. So maybe this guy needs a little bit of a sign.
Okay, I have a question what constitutes a good enough sign? Then if you're at a bar and you're in a nightclub and you see a girl and you really like her, like, how much of a sign do you need to be able to go over and talk.
Well, I mean, if she's literally there staring at you, there's a good chance she likes you. She fancies you, But then there's been more complex than that. There's a lot of things you need to see as well, like how much have you had to drink? How much have she had to drink? Who is she there with? She there with like five of her friends and it's just one of you. Then it's like, this is awkward because if she says no, it's five of them kind of potentially laughing at you.
So you wouldn't approach a girl who's been staring at you in a nightclub or in a bar if she was there with her friends.
This is.
I need my backup, noither. But it really depends on the mood and everything.
And well, I think that this is a really interesting insight because this is not something we realize. We often go out with our friends because you go out for safety. You don't want to go and sit in a bar by yourself and be like a hope a guy approaches me. But I don't think there are many women out there that are like, oh, he's not approaching me because I'm with my friends. We think he's not approaching me because
they're not interested. And we would also, I mean, I'm speaking on behalf of us, not all women We would never laugh if a guy came up to us and hit on us and we weren't vibing it and we like shut it down in a nice way. We would never turn around and being hysterics at that guy. But it's interesting because you think that we would all be laughing at.
I think that if you were somebody, a guy who's super attractive, and you walked up and hit on a group of chicks, you would be more likely to be let down nicely than if you were somebody who was not attractive. And this is obviously not a nice thing to say at all, and I'm not saying that it's
how it should be. But if somebody who you thought was completely unattractive, who had absolutely no chance quote unquote, came up and was like, hey, I'm like, you know, really vibing you, I think a group of girls would very easily be like, ugh, go away, way more than what they would if a guy was typically a super handsome guy that walked out of GQ magazine.
Well maybe that's.
Just me then, because I would never ever and I don't have friends that would ever laugh at somebody that came up and respectfully nicely approached it. Maybe if they came up wasted off their head, you would laugh. If somehen he genuinely came up shot their shot respectfully and it was no, I would never ever laugh in their face.
Maybe there are people that do.
I don't mean laugh in their face, but I mean, yeah, I think you're taking it too literally.
I just mean rejection wise.
And I think it's easy to say to someone who's attractive that it's you know, you should just go up and.
Speak to people.
But people who are super attractive have a way better hit rate with picking up in the public rather than people who feel like they're not socially atypically super attractive.
Okay, but this is interesting because Ben is generally an attractive person.
You're tall, your hands, That's.
What I'm saying. So if it's hard for you, it's hard for everyone. So for this.
Question, then, is it a case of if he wanted to, he would or a more complex because we get this a lot from women being like, do you think I keep even my friends?
Do you think I follow up? Do you think I double text?
Like?
Do you think he's just been really busy and he's forgotten? Do you think he does really like me and he's just hasn't had time to write back.
Yeah, I think the double text and all this it's a little bit overthinking as well. But eventually the person if he really likes you and if he really wants to go after you, if you will, then he will text. And that's not after a week or two weeks. That is literally the next day, the next morning. My fields.
Yeah, my advice would be generally speaking, I think a guy, if he's interested in you, is going to let you know.
But it's not always a case like you said.
They might be shy, or they might be really busy, or they might need more of a sign from you. So I would give them the one sign. Maybe it's another follow up text, one, hey just want to see if you were free his week and love to catch up with you again, one more very clear I'm interested, and you're going to know from their response. It's either going to be I'm busy with no follow up, or it's going to be like, ah shit, I really can't
but let's do wednesday. But I think give them that one sign in case they are like Benja said, that kind of guy that wants to have that confirmation of oh, this is going to be a safe place for me to shoot my shot because she shown me she's interested. So give them that one little bit of interest, so they without doubt, unequivocally know that they're safe to ask you out.
But I do think we over complicate this.
I think it's a pretty good and safe rule to say that if someone's interested, you will know, and if they're not interested, you'll be confused. And look, there's a big difference between interest and actually someone who is like not just interested, but is available, is wanting a relationship, is like open to what you're open to. Because someone might be interested in you, they might find you attractive, they might want to have sex with you, doesn't mean
that they want the things that you want. And that's what will leave you feeling confused. And it shouldn't be that complicated and it shouldn't be that hard. And if you're sitting there at nighttime unsure as to whether they like you, they don't like you, they're into you, they're not into you, it's probably not the fucking right relationship because it shouldn't be that confusing, is how I feel
about it. All right, last question to round this out, how does a man who is emotionally unavailable suddenly become emotionally available, A.
Had the million dollar questions.
I mean we've all dated.
Every single person has dated someone who is emotionally unavailable who then very shortly afterwards got into a long term relationship and seems to be doing just fine.
Yeah, like we've all seen that half of I think.
It's really simple that one girl. So I'm sorry to disappoint, but what do you mean.
Just like, if it's that person, all of a sudden, you're you're here, I'll give you what you want.
I'll tell you my did start to see in the case of we'll had that relationship before the relationship and whatever your ex partner thinks about you, If you're not emotionally available and all of a sudden you hear that is really emotional available with this new partner, then you weren't the one and the new partner is the one. I think it's really that.
I mean, I absolutely agree with this.
I think sometimes we overcomplicate it when it comes to relationships and trying to like figure out like why are.
They not as invested in me as as I'm invested in them.
But I do also think that there are some people who will just have the same bad behavior, but in their new relationship, you know, like they'll go from they might be in a relationship with you, they're not emotionally available, it's toxic, it's not working out. And then we have this fear that, oh, they're going to move on with someone new and they're going to be the perfect partner to that new person, and often they move on to someone new and an awful person in that relationship as well.
I think that, you know, people don't always miraculously change, but in the instances that they do miraculously change, it's because you just want the person and they've found that person who aligns with them better.
In my experience, for example, is I am naturally a reserved person, keeping to myself, maybe a little bit of a guard up, walls up. And then I met you, and in order to make this work, we decided to have open communication on anything because of our different circumstances of having a long distance relationship. And I found that it's very easy to open up to you, which is something previously it took me a long time to warm up to a person and long time to feel comfortable
opening up. So I think, yeah, in my experience that it comes easy with the person when you know it's that person.
Do you think part of that for you, Ben, is because of the pressure of making the long distance relationship work or do you think it's a combination between how much you have to give when you're in a long distance relationship verbally to be able to make a work and also the fact that it's bread.
Yeah.
Well, you definitely have to give more in a long distance relationship because those daily things are missing. But I think it's not a case of pressure, it's more. In my case, it was more of a case of I'm wanting to do this, So I think when it comes from a want, it's more genuine and it comes more natural.
Also, can I just say the last part on this, if someone goes through being emotionally unavailable to emotionally available, there's a good chance I've had some therapy because that's also a really blinking important part of the Yes, yes, everybody.
If you listen to the podcast, maybe that's tough and hard on one serious note on this, are you also, and I'm asking you to ask yourself, is are you emotionally available to them?
And are you giving them anything?
Because it's psychologically and scientifically proven that as humans, when you disclose something that is really personal or deep, or could be traumatic, or could just be something that really means something to you and is emotional to you, when you disclose that to another person, they want to disclose
something back. This is something to ask yourself. Are you emotionally giving to him and he's not returning or you just feel like you're not giving anything because he doesn't give anything, so it's all stale made, all hands off, because that is something to try and maybe try opening up to him in a capacity that you feel comfortable with and seeing if he shares anything back.
Yeah.
I mean that comes back to this idea of like vulnerability. Right when we are vulnerable, people are vulnerable in return. But it does I mean that is a really hard thing to do when you feel like you're coming up against someone who isn't giving you anything. To constantly be the person who's giving the vulnerable parts of your life and your story and to not receive that back can
kind of really amplify when someone is emotionally unavailable. So I think like, if you are doing those things, if you are sharing and you are being open and creating space for somebody to be emotionally available to you, but they continue to not be. Then that's when you have to make the decision that maybe this is not the right relationship for you.
Well, I reckon, that's it. I reckon. That's a wrap on life Uncut featuring so much Ben for coming on the pod, Did you just fizz Pump?
Yes? I hope I could help in some capacity.
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