Ask Uncut - A Real Life Love Actually

Life on Cut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never seated. We pay our respects to their elders past and present.

Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was recorded on gadigal Land.

Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life on Cut. I'm Brittany and I'm Laura, and someone in this room is gonna be an auntie again.

Yeah, Laura, Okay me surprising me Brendant.

My sister Sherry, who most of you know. She's my best friend. We've spent like literally our whole lives living in the same bedroom. We shared the same bedroom. We traveled the world together. We've been in sixty countries together. We work together in a hospital like we are the same human. We've been attached at the hip our entire life.

Also, Sherry has been part of the OG Life, a team in our Facebook group.

So you never got patrio for a bit, didn't we go? Oh my god, Sherry, I'm so sick. Remember we didn't earn anything for like a very long time. So she just used to help. She's like, oh, do some admin because she loved it. I always thought that we paid her but we didn't. That's terrible. It's really bad. Sorry Sherry.

Anyway, she really needs that money now she's having a baby. Yes, So my sister Sherry is having a baby, which is really exciting.

So she is already over halfway.

So she just didn't for whatever reason, she didn't want to jump on and announce it straight away. She just wanted to sit in it for a little while. I don't know her reason for that. But she's over halfway. She's due at the end of September. And you might remember, only a week or two ago, my suck was that

So Sherry's made the decision that she's going to have the baby over in Scotland and stay there.

Yeah, Sherry's having the baby in Scotland, so it's going to have a Scottish passport straight away.

Great, that's really tactical. I love that. Yeah, and I guess the reason is so Sherry and Jay. So Jay's Scottish.

They've been living in Australia for six years their whole relationship. So they recently went back to Scotland just for a year or two so that he could spend some time with his family before they spend the rest of their life in Australia. Because it's a really like and this is something that I'm going to have to face too. When you're in a relationship with someone foreign, one of you has to make a huge sacrifice. One of you is going to be away from your family and your

So they've decided to just.

Spend a little bit more time when they have the baby with his family and his friends, and maybe when it's like a year come back.

So I just and I I was actually crime because I was.

Supposed to be there for the birth, like she wants me to be in the room. So I was going to be in the Gold Coast here when she had the baby. And now, yeah, we both had a cry on the phone the other day because she's like, oh I am.

Oh, now I'm going to cry. She's like I just wanted you to be in the room with me. Yeah, can't you go over and do it? Well, I have to ask radio off work. Some things are more important, That's what I thought.

I was like, surely, like, you know, she doesn't have any family or friends over there, so I was like, surely I can go over for a week and just help her.

You know that first.

Week, just tell everyone you have COVID and you have to go. And I won't, I won't tell the truth. Just get on a plane and go. And I'm going to get Britney's so sick. I saw her. She's got COVID.

But it's got to really isolate. Well, here's the crazy thing again. Ben, My Ben is gonna see it, be with it.

He'll probably be in there watching next slide out of the vatch Or is that too much?

Do you know?

Is that too much? I think I think it's fine.

I feel differently about birth to the way I think a lot of people do. I think a lot of people And this is not I don't say this is a criticism, like I just think.

I don't know why, but I felt very differently about it.

A lot of people have a really clear idea of how they want their birth to be, like the people that they want in the room, like the setting of it, the ambience, the sounds, the smells, like people really plan out that birth experience and get it out of me. Honestly, when I gave birth to Maley, Matt's mum was in the room. Matt was in the room eating a chicken sandwich, and I reckon there was about twenty doctors. One doctor came in, he goes, oh, do you mind if a

Yeah, that's fine to me. There's a football team in my room.

The thing that bothers me the most in that situation is the chicken sandwich. I was like, that didn't need to be in the room.

Twenty people.

They're allowed, They're training. There's only one way for them to learn, and that is to watch, So I'm okay with that. But it's something different about like your sister's husband being in there, Like I don't know if I would want Jamie down there when my baby's coming out, so I don't know if Ben should be there.

I like that you just described Ben as your husband. But yeah, yeah, dream, I.

Hate the word bye bye yeah, I girl, I can fucking dream. Don't squish my dream. I'm trying to manifest, all right, look it up manifestation. To be fair, Matt almost missed the birth of Marley.

I was ten centimeters dilated and he went out for a fucking chicken sandwich and the cafe was running really slow and they they literally were talking about me needing to start pushing, and Matt's mum then ran out of the room to go and find him at the cafe and wait, no one's here.

I was like, just this football team, twenty strangers.

But honestly I know Sherry listens and Sherry, we're so so excited for you. It's the best thing ever. Come back to Australia so that we can have more babies here. Why are you in Scotland. It's cold, terrible place to be when you just want to be so cute, so cute.

And I do also want to say that I do have like six other nieces and nephews, so it's not the first one, and I love them all. But Sherry and I, I guess we're different because we're like absolute best is.

It does make me think, though, and.

I know it's not the reason to think you want a baby, but Sherry and I always grew up thinking that we would have kids at the same time. And I'm three years older than her, but I still knew that she would probably have a child before me, because we all know I've been on the fence and not knowing.

What ways up.

I mean, Sherry's had a shit together for a bit longer than she's.

Got a husband, a real one, not one that she manifested out years ago, not one that she Oh that's the other thing that you O g s will know this, POGs will know, but some new people might not. But Sherry and I are so close, then, don't take this the wrong way. I picked Jay for Sherry. I picked her husband in a not a creepy way, like I found him for her and said, Wow, I have a feeling this guy and you were something's there.

She didn't even see his picture. This is like on Tinder back in the day. Can you tell for anyone who doesn't know this story, can tell?

Yesuse I like that you're just alluding to a story that people don't know.

I thought if some people knew, But I guess it was probably five years ago. We told this story all right.

Strap in So, Sherry and I were on this huge three year trip that we'd said we'll both single at the same time. We both hated our jobs at the time in a hospital, so we quit one day and we were like, let's go travel the world with no plans, because we'd saved up so much money to travel and we knew would work overseas as well.

So off we went, and we're in South America.

We've been in South America for probably six or seven months, and we knew that the next stop was going to be Scotland. We knew we were going to the UK. So one day after hiking much Epicchu, so we hiked for four days, were exhausted. We were like, we just want to lay in bed for twenty four hours straight. So we're in a shared bed, and.

What do you do when you're just laying in bed on your phone and you're single.

In the same bed, mind you. We were like right next to each other, so no, we didn't masturbate. Laura, get I know who's masturbating with their sister in the bed?

It's legal, is it not? If it's your step But she's my real one. So anyway, sidetrack, so we're both We were like, hey, this.

Is when Tinder brought the geo swipe in, like geolocation, which meant you could set your location to any country and would show you those people. So we set it to Scotland. We were like, hey, we'll be in Scotland a month or two. Let's see what the men are like. Because we had these ideas of what the men were like, which was Jamie from Outlander, like Sam Hwan, so we're just not everyone was going to be like these big Scottish hunks.

Yeah, they literally highlanders high.

Yeah. So we swiped in and we're both in bed next to each other on our respective Tinders. Now I am older than Sherry, so I had a larger bracket.

So you're like, I am older than Sherry.

So Obviously, my bracket was much younger than hers, and also much older than hers. I had a twenty year bracket and she had a five year bracket.

My bracket was, Yeah, I cast my net wide, Laura, I know you do, so ain't nothing wrong with that.

So I was swiping along. Now, this only happened one time. The whole time, and I'm talking hundreds of swipes. I came across this photo of thousands yeap of somebody that must have just snuck into my age bracket because it was I think at the time he was twenty five twenty four.

He was really cute.

His profile was very funny, very satirical, very take the pierce. And you know how you can link your Instagram, so he and his Instagram linked. I went to that he was way too young for me, believe it or not. I didn't think i'd say those words.

He was too young for me.

And I said to Sherry, have you seen this guy yet? And I showed her my Tinder and she was like, Jay pre No, She's like, I haven't come across in why And I said I don't know why. I was like, but you need to find him and swipe yes and She's like why, and I said, I don't know. I was like something about this profile. I just think you need to match him. So hours later she turns around and she's like, oh, is this him?

He was on her phone. I said, yes, that's the guy. I was like, swipe right.

She was like random, Okay, I don't think she was that impressed with the profile, so she's wiped right. They matched and from that day I lost Sherry. Like I am talking like rip you know, when you just meet someone and you're infatuated. And because he worked from home and she wasn't working, she was traveling, I reckon one hundred plus messages a day, like you know, when you just can't stop talking back.

Some people might call that love bombing, but in this instance, it really worked out for them.

It wasn't. They just hit it off.

And when I say that many messages, they were talking in like real time conversation, so you know, just one line at a time. They just fell in love. They didn't meet for six seven weeks, they just talked NonStop. Then they met, and from that day forth they've been together. The thing I like the most, and you've missed out this part of the story. Well, it's just they went on their first date and it kind of was a bit shit, and Sherry was like, oh my god, I've

So I went on their first day. We loved Jay. Yeah, I went on the first date, and.

So it was well because at the end of the day we didn't know him right like, and her and I had just gotten to a foreign country. I wasn't gonna let her go to some random online in a foreign country alone.

We didn't know anyone. I don't think we even had phones that worked there at the time.

To be fair, it's only fair. You've been there since the start. You should be looking down the canal at her vagina when that baby comes into the world.

You created that baby as well. Yeah, so that's what I got sidetracks. I just told you my sister's love story. But it's an amazing story.

Yeah.

Well, we love Jay and Sherry, we love you, and also thank you so much for working for us for free for so long.

She's still that this is.

Not okay, this is no longer okay, so please don't take us to HR. We don't have one HR. So we said it's fine, No, we'll slip or something.

All right.

Well, anyway, guys, we do say that we're going to keep the intros to ask gun Cuts short.

We've been saying this for well the better half.

Of this year, and unfortunately sometimes the intros really blow out, but today's one was an important one.

Yeah, and we are going to moving forward just be doing as gun cut.

Like a little high just a little promise, things that we don't plan on going through with.

I do want to say one thing before we get into our vibes, and i'd watch that come out. Did you want to be there for the next one? If I have a third?

If I have a third no, Well Matt says no, but like you know, he also says, I always get my way.

If I do get my way, do you want to be in the room? I mean we could podcast live from birth? Want to do it? It's the third one.

I don't care the first one and second one I probably wouldn't have, but like third, like all bets are off, I'll do anything.

I am going to say, yes, yeap, but I think it's something you run past, Matt. Will you be at the business end or the top end business? Okay, I could do the ladyectomy at the same time. A little snipstip pump down there it after the third one.

No, what I wanted to say is before we get intovised on subscribes, is I wanted to say a very big thank you to so many of you reached out to me after Tuesday's episode. I can't tell you how many private messages I received. I haven't written back to everyone yet because there was just so many of you

Yeah, you guys are literally the best, and Laurie, you've also had We also had like an anonymous card turn up to Tony.

May I know, and then we had a card at my office.

One of my staff who I do pay brought me and brought me an envelope and JPC you are one of our listeners and you wrote the most incredible card and you didn't leave a return address because you're very naughty, but just talked about the things that you've been going through and how much these conversations and the pod have brought you comfort in what's been a really incredibly challenging time for you. And we got to experience this when

Well, we got to speak to you.

About your stories and the reasons why you've connected with the conversations we've had here, and it means so much to Britain I because you know, when we started this, it was pre COVID. We were just two friends in a bedroom having a conversation around the things that were important to us.

And the fact is that so many of you have resonated.

With those conversations over the years, and that in itself is just such a privilege.

But JPC, we adore you.

We're so sorry for all of the challenging things that you've been going through, but we're so so grateful to hear that you're on the other side of it and that the podcast played even just the smallest part in bringing some happiness to your day.

Well, let's get into vibes and unsubscribe. I have a vibe in an unsubscribe. I'm gonna start with my vibe. We never have unsubscribed.

I know.

I think the reason for that is is because we don't want to appear as though we're complaining. But I have a lot of things that I hate in life. I can get on board with this.

Yeah, but this one, and you're here in a minute, but this one isn't complaining, complaining, and the unsubscribed is also a default vibe. Okay, I'm going to start with my vibe. My vibe this week is something that I came across accidentally on the news, like a news article, and I clicked on the links and I watched the videos and then I saw that it was a whole TV show. It's a TV series and it's called Body Parts. You can watch it on nine now. So I got the app It's an annaplastologist.

Do you know what that is? No, okay, this.

Is someone who reconstructs body parts. Oh yeah, okay, wait, wait wit, it's like playing charades. It's someone who makes prosthetics. Yes, so she's an American woman. Her job is exactly that. Her job is to recreate prosthetics, but not a prosthetic like.

We saw for Ellie Cole. You know, it's not a.

Leg prosthetic, but their life like they genuinely look like a body part.

It is an art form. I have never seen anything like it.

And each episode I'm gonna recommend one particular episode, but each episode is a few different people with different you know, someone's had cancer and they had mystectomies and wants new nipples.

Some people have lost ears.

Someone men's lost his nose to cancer, like his entire nose is gone. And it talks about their story, what happened to them, how they feel, and how they've lived their life.

And then she recreates the.

Most lifelike one woman got two new arms, entire arms because she had no arms at their elbows and the arms like it is matched to a t to the person, measured to the person, so it looks the same length out it would look the coloring and it just changes their life. And I want an episode. So it's called body Parts. I watched it on nine now it's a free app episode three if you just want to pick one.

Baby yeah, and it is.

Like strapping for some emotions, but he's the most beautiful little boy and just watching when they get the new prosthesis and it changes their life because especially for the kids, kids are so unassuming.

This reminds me of I don't know if anyone's ever done it. I went down a rabbit hole a really long time ago on Instagram, just watching kids have their cochlear implants.

Turned on the for the very first time. That another it's the same, it's that it's the same feeling. And just like him told us it's good to have a cry, like you know, you know, why do you?

Because you know when you talk about to the man, the grown man in his sixties that once in new nose, even that is emotional because they're like, why do you?

How's this going to change your life?

And he's like, I don't want my grandkid to look at me and think I'm scary, and you know, I want to not wear glasses and feel comfortable, just the little things. But the little boy, he was just like, I hear people talking. I hear my friends talk about me. It's hard to find, like it's hard to have friends. He's like seven years old, and I'm like, well baby, so it's just Laura.

You will love it.

You guys will cry, but you'll cry beautiful tears. So that is my beautifully wholesome vibe. Well you could have just left it at a really nice vibe and now you're unsubscribing from stuff. Well I was just gonna unsubscribe from series, dropping only four episodes and then you have to wait two months for the next four Bridgeton. It's Bridgeton because I love Bridgeton. Bridgeton's amazing.

I would Yeah.

I watched it sat in one night and I didn't know they only dropped four. And then I got to the end and I was like, where's the rest of the series. They were like, come in in twenty eight years.

It's like coming in a month's time.

Yeah, yeah, look, who has time to watch full series?

Anyway? Maybe it's good means that you can get some more in the middle done.

I just don't think it's fair to end it on a cliff Hangarys and expect people to wait for a month.

It's like you do over the end of a series. Don't do that mid series. It was a really crucial moment. It's like a sexy moment, and I don't want to spoil it for people that haven't seen it.

You're gonna be horny for a month now I am. I'm locked into the horn dog if I have the.

Self control, and I know because I knew that this was going to happen, so I didn't feel as annoyed like I knew going in that it was only four episodes. But if I have the self control and I know this, I actually wait until the week that the second lot is going to be released so that I can watch it kind of as one.

It's tactic. But I didn't have the self controls I.

Would have done that. I would have done that. I have great regret. Producisha, What is your vibe for the week?

Mine is also on Netflix.

It's actually something that came out in twenty eighteen, but I kind of missed it at the time. It's called Three Identical Strangers. It is about three identical triplets that were all adopted by separate families. They didn't know that each other existed until two of them ended up going to the same college and friends were like calling him

It was like in the papers and stuff.

Yeah, And then it turns out that there was a third one, and so they all became friends because they had this biological connection as brothers, and the start of it was this real global sensation. And then later in the documentary and kind of the story that ended up playing out in their life took this extremely dark turn, and they found out that they had actually been unknowing participants in a research study that was being conducted at the time.

This to me just seems like terrific. I understand.

See, I don't feel as though it's horrific, even though on the surface it seems it, because it's this whole debate around nature versus nurture, and in any type of genetic study, basically the only information that we're able to reduce about nurture versus nature comes from twin studies that have been separated. Beare because they've grown up in different environments.

But don't you think that's horrific that they chose to rip them apart as towldren just to study them?

Absolutely?

Absolutely, I just think that, like what we've gained from it is potentially a lot, even though it's incredibly unethical to do that. And also to have them be participants in a study when they didn't know the parents that they had no idea as well, it was utterly fascinating and it really took this turn, and it turns out that there were more twins that were separated through adoption

Condition or not.

I just found this documentary so layered and yeah, beyond fascinating.

That's the main word that I have for it. I can back that up.

It's really really good, but I think it really makes you question the ethics behind how you can conduct experiments like that on children who are non consenting and denying them the right to know about their biological heritage and to know about like where they've come from. The thing for me is, and what I thought was so fascinating is like, how can you be sure that that doesn't

Yeah, So it examines a whole lot of different things and also importantly, these were psychological studies from the fifties and the sixties, so very very different lens to what we now have in terms of ethics. It's available on Netflix. It is called Three Identical Strangers.

Man, I'd be pissed if I was a triplet, and then I found out as an adult that I would from my states.

You're like, can I sue people for this?

Hondy?

I reckon it all right.

My recommendation is a No Filter episode No Filter with Mere Friedman, and this podcast episode is interviewing a woman named Patrick Gagney, which stands for Patricia Gagney now it is called Patricia Gagney is a sociopath.

We speak about sociopaths a lot.

We usually think of them as murderers, or as criminals, or as you know, people who live very dark and unempathetic lives. And I think the reason why this is so fascinating is because Patrick is a diagnosed sociopath, but she's someone who has the cognitive awareness to be able to know that that's what she is, and she is actively working on not being that in the ways that

But I also think the.

Other thing that's really interesting about this is like what it's like being a child to a sociopath, What it's like having friends when you're a sociopath, what it's like

Yeah, she's also written a book called Sociopath.

And I think the point is, Laura and when you said, usually hear the word sociopath and we're like run. But that's because most sociopaths don't know they're a sociopath or won't admit they're a sociopath. And this is the difference with her. She owns it, she knows that it she is, and she's working.

Actively every day, but she still talks about all the feelings that she knows she doesn't feel.

Yeah, I was about to say, like, it would be so interesting to talk to someone like that because I want to unpack how they feel shame.

They don't, that's so interesting. But also they're married.

Imagine being married to that and having always having a wife who's like, I know, I don't feel the things you feel, but still being so in love with them, Like she's got friends, she lives a normal functioning life. Like it is such a unique look at someone who sits within that spectrum.

It's so like the reason I mean this shame thing is because we want to have empathy for that, because we're like, oh, it's not your fault that you can't process emotions in the same way that we can. But if they don't feel shame about it, then it's kind of like, well why do.

We feel empathy?

All right?

Totally? All right, Well let's get into the questions.

Yeah, question number one should I attend the funeral. I was with my ex for twelve years. During the last three of those years, my ex mother in law lived with us. I knew her very well. I'm now happily married with two kids, and I haven't spoken to anyone from that family for six years. Recently, I found out my ex mother in law had gotten very sick, and

Add to their pain.

My question is, who do you attend a funeral fall Is it the person who has passed away or their loved ones left behind? Or are you going for you.

Fun The woman's not dead yet, she's still alive, but she's clearly dying. I mean, she got sick. She's probably the flu. Let's wait till she dies. No, Okay, let's take it seriously. I am I do have opinions.

Okay, I have opinions, one because I've been in this exact situation, but more as an observer, and I'll explain that, So my ex boyfriend, his father passed away.

It was horrifically sad.

I was his girlfriend, very new girlfriend at the time, mind you, like, we've only been dating for a few weeks passed when dad passed away.

Wow.

His ex wife, who he had been with for I mean they met in Uni, they've been with for like over a decade, was very very close to his dad. So the funeral came and his ex wife came to the funeral. Now, from his perspective, I think it was incredibly hard because the funeral turned into it just being a time for him to be able to warn his dad. But it turned into like I mean, like you know when your ex is in a room and then you feel that feeling of like, fuck, they're here.

Do I talk to them? Do I not talk to them?

Like?

How long have they been split up? For years?

They've been separated for years, and they weren't they went on good terms, they weren't speaking.

It ended very badly.

So it was a really highly anxious time for him during a time when I think he should have just been able to focus on grieving, but he was very focused on this whole drama of his ex wife being there, and also on the day of the funeral. It was even more exacerbated by the fact that as we were entering the funeral, he went to give her a hug and she was like, don't touch me.

I'm not here for you. So it was very it was that's to me, that's selfish.

He treated her very bad in their relationship, mind you, so like it ended because of his behaviors. So I understand why she has animosity, and I understand why she would feel I'm here for my relationship with your father and I don't really care about you right now, and they were really close. So on one hand, I absolutely respect her decision to want to go to the funeral because she had a relationship with the person who passed away.

I don't know.

I just feel like it can create a lot of drama for people who are already really really really hurting. And I don't know if people will agree with that, but it's a tricky, tricky thing to navigate.

I don't think there's any black and white answer here. This is so dependent on each situation. How long were you together, what was your situation, how close were you did you live together? Why did you end? How long ago did you end? What's their situationship? Like now, there are so many factors of this. There's no like, yes, you can go to an excess funeral, No you can't because you don't know what happened.

In this specific situation.

I feel like saying don't go, and you're asking a question like who are you going for? She's passed away at this point and you haven't spoken to her for six years, so you didn't reach out when she was sick. Yeah, So what I'm thinking here is it is only probably going to, like you said yourself, and you probably know deep down, it's probably only going to add to the pain of him. He's dealing with enough there at that time.

But I think if you're at the.

Point now where you're like I would want to pay my respects, then why don't you want to speak to her now when she's still alive?

So this is what I think. Can you call her and say I've heard your un well. I wanted to check in and see and see how you are. Is there anything I can do for you?

Like, if you haven't spoken to her now and you can't or don't want to reach out when she's unwell, then I don't think you should be putting everyone else in the position at the funeral.

Also, I think think sometimes put yourself in the position like flip it, reverse it is.

Is that I would yes do that, flip it and reverse it.

If this was your mum or your dad and you hadn't spoken to your ex in six years, they hadn't spoken to your mum and dad in six years, and they came to the funeral unannounced. You didn't know they were going to be there. Would it take something away from the funeral, from your.

Ability to grieve?

Would it make it a bit awkward for you? You would you be thinking, oh my god, fuck my exes in the room. Oh just don't really have the capacity to talk to him right now? Like how would you feel? And I think if your response to that is that there's any reservations or it would really impact your ability to grieve, Like I would say, had the same respect for him.

But I totally agree with you, Britt.

I think that there's no point showing your respects after someone's passed away when you could literally call them when they're alive.

That had been y Yeah, my ex, Like my I always say my main X because I always in my head I feel like I had this. You know, I was with him for eight years, so a huge time of our life and we lived with his dad for a while, like such an integral part of each other's life and from like you know, from sixteen to twenty four, so that huge part where you come.

Out of age.

We ended on really amicable terms just because we were going different directions. And his dad passed away after a few years, like a few years later, and I did not go to the funeral, but I could have because he was a huge part of my life. But I didn't speak to my ex anymore, but I did message him. I reached out and I just said, I'm so sorry.

Like absolutely, And similarly was the situation with my grandfather. So my papa, who was like such a father figure in my life when he passed away, my ex of six years, who you know, who was like my big big love who he was at that point of my life, my big big love. Sorry about no, but like genuinely, you know, I think we both had thought life would turn out differently. He was that person for me. He messaged me. He did not show up the funeral, and it was a small funeral. You also don't know the

But this is also how much I can't stress that it depends on the situation.

If something happened to my dad, and.

I'm putting myself in the situation and my exes plural turned up, but specifically this one of eight years, if he turned.

Up, I would welcome that. That wouldn't bother me.

And I don't think if I actually turned up to his dad's I don't I think he would have thought that was nice, because we probably wouldn't have spoken or been together, but I think we had that sort of relationship that he probably would have been like, thanks for coming.

And that's here.

But that's how much it depends on what you had with that person and what you have now. And but I guess I can't stress the point enough it's so important to note that she's not dead yet if you want to pay respects to the point that you're getting anxiety about it, like you're pre thinking about what.

You're going to do when she passes. Do it now? Yeah, that's what I think.

And if you don't feel like you're close enough to do it now, then I don't think you should be going to the funeral when he's grieving.

Yeah, I totally Agreeve all right, question muff two, and this is a very dumb one.

No question is a dumb one.

Sorry to what is the etiquette when using someone else's shower when you're staying with that?

Some questions? Okay, not one question? Don't wait?

Do you bring your own shampoo, conditioner, and body wash? Or is it exctble to just use theirs? What?

It's so hard.

To answer no, because I'm actually don't know. My immediate thought was this is so stupid.

Of course you can use theirs. But now I'm thinking I have some pretty I.

Have, like a sign up membership to my shampoo and conditioner, Like it's expensive and it's if.

Someone was gone willy neely with it, throwing it around. I don't know.

It depends on the Okay, it depends, but no, I would say, if you're staying at someone's house, if you knew you were going to be staying at the house, if you're having an overnight stay, bring your own shit because it's planned. If you're having a sleepover that wasn't as planned, then yeah, of course you can use whatever's in their house. But I think, like, don't just rock up to someone's house and not bring a single thing and expect to use every single one of their toiletry items, Like that's.

A bit random. Yeah, I think body wash though free for all. Anyone can use body wash. Yeah, okay, here's what I think.

If it's one night, if you're going one or two nights, I think it's fine. You can you know, you're a guest, you can use their stuff. I wouldn't care if someone use my stuff. But if you're coming for a couple of weeks stay, like, if you're settling in you're probably gonna be there, then you've got to bring your own stuff.

You have to.

It's not a hotel. It's not on them to provide what you need. But also like n a night's fine, Yes, of course, the night's fine. And if you walk into their shower and the only things that they have is like Chanelle products for everything. I would say that there is like a scale. If it's Dove body wash, that's a free for all. If it's Chanell body wash, I

It's like the it's like the one anti dandru no.

But it's the stuff where I'm like, this is if somebody needed a shower in there, it's set with everything that they need, but it's not the high end stuff.

That's what I've done to separate it.

I mean, look, I don't think that this is a big problem, But I do think it's weird if you were not planning on staying at their house and you brought your things, so like, there's nothing worse than when you go on like a one like you've got a date with someone, for example. And actually this is funny because Johno, who is our video editor, he always has like an overnight bag in his bag.

He's the guy that you can be like, hey, I need deodorant. He's like, here's some deodorant.

But if you rocked up on a date with me and you'd brought an overnight bag to a date, I would think that creepy as fuck.

I went on a date once and the guy rocked up with like shampoo, conditioner, and a tried a whole overnight bag. It's not okay, And well.

He stayed, but I'm angry that he presumed that was gonna happen.

Okay, in his defense.

Nah, there is none okay anyway, Okay, what if.

They bring like spare underwear and he put a toothbrush. Yeah, this is what happened, right, And I get it.

He turned it with the backpack and I was I was like, what's in the backpack because we'd never met. We'd been talking though for like a week online and I was in the backpack and he's like, to be honest, he's like, just stuff in case. I yes, He's like, because he was staying at a family member's house across Sydney, like Western Sydney. It would have been hours on public transport that night. He's like, look in case, better to be prepared in case it went well. I just thought,

And then you pity fucked him. We all knew how that was gonna end. And I tried. We went home and I was I made the lounge for him and it was so hot.

You know him, you know who's the one, the American one that went over to America.

I don't know it, did?

I mean it?

Yeah?

Remember the guy that I accidentally stalked his girlfriend and liked her and followed her on Facebook and then she was like, why is that random girl following me on Facebook? It's a whole another segue anyway, when I do remember when I first went to Ben's house, and I feel like this is indicative of men first went over to stay there, got into the shower. We didn't really know each other yet. It was just the most cliche men's shower. There was nothing, not one thing, No face wash, no soap,

That's it. That's all he used the whole thing. And I was like, you are not prepared to have a girlfriends. Yeah.

I was like, well, at least I know you're not hooking up with people. Because he's coming over there. No woman has been here. For a while, there is no evidence, there's nothing. Yeah, look, I mean I think it's fine. I think you can if you're staying at someone's house and just don't take a dump in their bath and you're doing fine.

Who the fuck is shitting in someone's bar? Someone probably is talking about shower eediqutt. I'm just saying, to be clear.

We're not talking about We're not talking about bath etiquette, all right?

Question three?

How do I let a work colleague know that I have no interest in being friends with them outside of work?

Kisha? Did you write this in or even at work?

To be honest, I really struggle working with this particular person, but that's clearly unbeknownst to her. As she continuously asked me to do things outside of work. I always come up with excuses not to go, but it's getting harder and harder. Also, these are not big group activities where everyone is invited. It's literally just the two of us

Sorry, I know this is a super same question, but I'm really desperate.

This reminds me of that movie How to Lose a Gun Ten Days, you know how She's like, I'm going to be the worst person on a.

Day, the worst friend. Yeah, this makes me feel sad. Who for the friend, for the girl who wants a friend?

The work colleague? Yeah, I feel she clearly I feel sad for her. I think she's not reading the room. She's not reading the room.

But she obviously isn't someone who has close friends, because why is she trying to push a friendship so hard with someone who clearly doesn't like her.

She's difficult to work with us, Probably why she doesn't have close friends. I think, oh, look, I get this.

I have always been this person that hasn't and I think that's more of a personality trait as opposed to

But when it's a smaller.

Office, which I'm assuming this is right, like you see her every day, I'm assuming it's a small office, she wants to hang out. You don't really get along with her, by the sounds of it, or you don't really like spending time with her, and you don't want to spend time with her. I do feel a little bit sorry for a Laura in all seriousness, because she's trying to

Yeah, that's the easy bit.

You don't have to go and it's worse for you to go and be a mole so that she hates you. Like that is way worse. The part I don't know what to do is I don't know how you say it to her. I don't know if you just have that conversation and say, look, I really try and keep my work and my personal life separate. I hope that that's okay with you, but like that's just how I like to operate, or maybe.

It's just easier to consistently say you're busy. I agree with you, Britt.

I don't think that you should force yourself to be friends with people who you don't feel as though that you're getting anything out of the frendship either, Like if you're just doing it to be nice because this person keeps asking you, that's not the foundations of what a friendship is based on.

And that's okay.

You know, you will really vibe with some people and you won't vibe with others. It does make me sad for her that maybe she doesn't have friends and she is really trying. Yeah, but it's also not worth her putting her energy into someone who maybe she thinks could be her friend, and that you are just busy and you're not able to do something instead of being able to, like, you know, try and actually make other friends who might

Sometimes.

I think we can really overshoot it with this sort of stuff. I also don't think you need to come up with constant excuses. You just have to say, I'm not able to I'm busy. You don't have to explain why you're busy. Sometimes when we give people a know, we often feel as though we need to explain why the no is a no. It's because it is that easy and give context. Yeah, I know, it's not.

Because I think of this conversation ready, like, hey, do you want to hang out tonight?

Oh my god, I'm so sorry I can't. I'm actually so busy at the moment. Oh what are you got going on?

Look, A life has been hectic, a lot of personal stuff. I don't really want to get into it.

Yeah, I just I totally get it, and I agree with you. It's like you don't you don't know anyone anything. We've done episodes on that before, But I get that sometimes you're in a position where it's it's hard to make excuses totally.

But I think that's the problem.

I think sometimes we force ourselves to make excuses and then we get caught in lies.

I think keep it.

As simple, have kids, I'm not even married.

I then keep it as simple as you can.

When you do decline an invitation to something, you don't have to explain the know all the time. And that's where you can get yourself caught up because you're like, oh, I've run out of excuses, and it's like, well, you shouldn't be having to say, oh, tomorrow, I've got dinner with my mom, and on Tuesday, I'm going to get my nails done, and on Wednesday I'm just going to be really busy on the phone because the telemarket is going to call me.

You just don't have to give that level of detailed do you know what I mean?

So I think if you consistently keep saying I'm sorry, I can't this week, I'm really busy. You know, I've got a lot on with family stuff, or my friends are in town, whatever you want to and keep a top line as possible, those invitations will start to decrease and I think in time, they will get a picture that you know, not that you're not interested, but that

And that's okay. And I know you probably.

Feel bad and it's probably an annoying thing because you feel like or she hasn't she can't read the room. But unfortunately it's it's just it's something that's uncomfortable, but it's not something that's just avoidable.

Yeah, and it's hard because you've even said you don't even want to be friends with her at work. Not only do not have interest outside of work, but you don't want to be friends at work.

So maybe you need to put up a bit more of a vibe at work.

No, no, I think so you've got to put up a vibe at work that like, we are not going to be best here, so like we're not going to have those laughs in those gossips, we're not because that's what leads someone to wanting to hang out with you after work.

So when you're at work, you're just going to work mode. There's a difference with the energy you give people. If you want to be their friend, and you don't want to be their friend. And this is a tricky situation because you work with her all day. She wants to hang out with you all the time. You don't want to hang out with her at all.

I feel differently to you, Britt, And the reason for that is is because I think you don't treat people at all in a way where the vibe is like I just worry that that sort of recommendation changes the culture in a workplace, Like you don't want her to think that she's done something wrong.

You don't want her to think that you're angry at her.

But there's a difference with a work vibe and a friend vibe one hundred percent. Like friends that are like base, let's go grab a coffee at lunch, Let's go get a coffee and have a gossip and have a laugh and have a chat. And there's a very big difference with that and like, hey guys, I'm just gonna go take my lunch break.

I'll come back.

Like that's the kind of thing I mean that you you don't treat it differently, Like you don't be mean to her, but you put out different energy when you want to be friends with someone, and you see someone as a work colleague, and I'm even thinking of people you know in our work environment.

I think also it also depends on how chatty you are as a person, Like are you someone who shares a lot of about your personal life at work?

Are you sharing with her in a friend.

Way that would give her the thought that maybe this is a friendship, you know, because like maybe she's part of like a group at work, and so you're all sharing different stories and stuff about yourself, and so she feels as though there's a closeness there because it's been manufactured through just spending a lot of time together and sharing a lot about each other. Whereas to you, you're like, oh, I would have told that to my hairdresser. That to

I don't know, this is such a tough one.

There's just not really, it's not really an answer that's like do this, say this.

My definitive answer is do not sit this person down and tell them that you don't want to have a friendship outside of work. We don't always need to communicate our boundaries to people. It just makes you sound like an absolute asshole. If you're like, hey, I really enjoy working with you, but actually, like we are not people who are going to be friends outside of work, you will come across as such a dick.

I think it is purely just a situation where you just.

Politely decline her invitations and she will at some point understand that this is a friendship that's not going to be beyond a work environment.

Oh, I know what you do? What quit?

Get a new job, floring you get her fired? Okay, last question, this is I think a good one for you to answer, Laura, Laurie. Laurie, I said it weird, Hey, Laurie, I think it's a good one for you to answer.

Laura. It's a jewelry based question. Hashtag Tony May Tony May No, but twenty percent discount life on cut twenty do I is that actually a discount? Otherwise you can cut that out n people. I can whatever.

Guys, you want a discount on Tony May Life on cut twenty, I'll put it up.

I don't care a you paint for a spot jokes do I? But am I everyone?

In case you won't aware, I own a jury business. It's called Tony May and you can have a disc our code of lifeblunk.

What was the question?

Last week, my husband asked me to pick up a parcel for him from the post office and said it was a tool for work. When I picked up the parcel, I noticed it was from a silversmith, so I obviously googled them. I didn't look any further as Mother's Day was approaching and I didn't want to ruin my big surprise. Now I didn't get any jewelry from Mother's Day. I looked on the website and I saw that it could be fingerprint jewelry, but that's way out of our budget.

I'll send it to a friend.

My three possible situations are one, my husband bought jewelry for someone else. Two fingerprint jewelry that will be back, hopefully in a few weeks. Three my husband is in on our friends proposal and he is keeping this a secret. My question is do I ask my husband about the parcel to see if he's buying jelry for someone else, or do I.

Wait and see if something is coming in the next few months. And then she finished with clearly is bothering me?

Okay, so fingerprint jury. I have a few feelings about this. Firstly, yes, you should just speak to your husband about it, because if your thought is when you see a parcel that maybe your husband's buying jewelry for if your brain goes there, that's a problem.

The right thing is like, who's this f You've also been watching way too much of Love.

Actually, it's probably like the first thing, like I would say, speak to your husband, ask him the question.

You can be direct about it.

The thing with fingerprint jewely though, especially around Mother's Day and for anyone who's ever wanted or gotten a custom piece of jelry made jewelry labels who do anything that's customizable during Mother's Day have such long lead times. So it's very very possible that he has seen this maybe two weeks or a week before Mother's Day and like, oh my god, that's a great idea.

I'll organize that.

But you've got to actually put your fingerprints in the wax, send the wax off. That's then got to go through the lost wax casting method, that's got to be set in the silver, and like, it's a process, and most jewelers take more than six weeks to do that process.

And it's probably assuming your husband didn't realize how long it could.

Take totally so this was like mother Day, it was only a couple weeks ago. There is a very very very good chance that it is for you, and it's just the process of this is actually like two months and he was not organized enough, which I think is totally fair. The reason why I don't think your husband's

He's not getting you to pick it up.

He's not getting you to go to the post office to pick up the piece of jewelry. He's this is so innocent to him that he didn't think it was a big deal.

Well, then also pretty shit surprised.

Then, in the same thing, like, if he's gotten your surprise, you also shouldn't.

Be going to get your wife to go pick up her own surprise.

So that's a whole other thing. If this was me, I mean I would my very first point of care would be to sit down and ask my husband. Maybe he is on a secret proposal for his friend. That's totally fine. You're you're his wife, and you're allowed to know that. You're allowed to be in on those secrets too.

Yeah, I'm gone bullshit on that one.

But I just think I always find it so fascinating because I think, for me, when I read that question, it's actually not so much about jewelry, it's around communication and what's your communication like with your husband? Why do you not feel as though you can go to him straight away when you have these sorts of like queries or questions or things that make you feel a little bit unsafe or uncertain.

And I get that because if she thinks it could be really a surprise, you don't want to blow the surprise, like you don't want your husband to know that the surprise is ruined.

But I think the surprise so like she didn't she waited for Mother's Day, it didn't come. So yes, you don't want to blow the surprise. But if it's leading your brain to a place where maybe you're thinking that he's doing something for someone else, like that is so far on the other end of the spectrum that like the fact that your brain has gone there makes me think, like, you have to have these conversations.

Here's what I think. Here's your husband, right, let's give him the benefit of the doubt. He has gone and done an amazing surprise for you.

You have you.

Deserve that you have multiple fingerprint jewelry that is probably going to be in the mail. What I would do is ask, you know what, Okay, put your detective hat on. Call the jeweler, inquire, ask hey, how long out of curiosity does it take generally speaking for a fingerprint jewelry.

Spoiler, it's probably gone to someone else.

I would then ask the question, because then you've given enough buffer, you've given enough lead time, and then he's your husband.

Right.

My only worry is that I love that we keep outlining this as though she's forgotten.

But it's so important because we said it earlier.

But if your first thought here is that, like, holy shit, he's bought jeury for someone else, there's got to be more happening in that relationship. Like it's not your first thought when you see a jewelry box from your partner that it's going to someone else, unless there are other things that are like leaning into that.

Also, wait, I just want to unpack this one bit, because you said these are we're exact words. After naming the jeweler, she said, our mutual friend is mates with the jeweler, so maybe our friend is going to propose.

Well, this is just too many degrees of separation.

If your friend is mates with the jeweler, you just keep the ring of the jewelers.

Then wouldn't the jeweler just keep the ring to your friends? Why is the jeweler sending it to your house. It's so obvious, like cheating. He's not cheating. Shut up.

It's so obvious that it's for you and just fingerprint Julie takes a fucking long time to make.

It's actually yeah.

But if Christmas comes and you haven't got your jewelry yet, that's the question.

But I do I think people, especially when it comes to customized anything customized in the jewelry space, it takes so long. Listen to this men, Yeah, I miss in case free times. But I honestly can't tell you the amount of people, the amount of men who have come to Tony May emailed me and been like, Hey, I really want to propose to my wife. I'm going away on this trip. We're going to Europe next week. I

It's totally a custom piece.

And I'm like, amazing, when are you thinking of proposing in ten days? And I'm like, mate, are you fucking kidding me? You need to buy something off the shelf. There is no jeweler who's going to make you a ring in ten days. And if they can make you a ring in ten days, they don't have any customers. I wouldn't be buying a ring from them.

Or you're paying bank they are, yeah, you're paying twice as much as you should.

But I honestly like it happens all the time, and I don't think it's all men. Some men are so organized, they are so meticulous. They have photos and they have measurements, and they have like all of the qualities of the diamonds figured out.

Like some men do the detailed work.

And some guys are like, oh, I wanted to get this thing made in four days and I want to pay four hundred bucks for it. Yeah, I want this ring And I'm like that ring is nine thousand dollars and they're like, I'm like, what's your budget And they're like, oh, it's eight hundred bucks. And I'm like, how did you think that was going to happen? How did you I'm not joking guys being a jewelers wid I think.

That's going to be Ben.

I don't think Ben understands the process, but also at this point buy it.

Off the shelf. Also, I don't care.

No, then you also know who you can come to. Yeah, one hundred percent. Brittany has a friend who's a joy. I think of Jay like my sister's partner. We spoke about the start. He was so the opposite end of the spectrum.

It was meticulous. He was so organized.

He got it from a jeweler that he knew Sheridan had liked over the years she was in Europe. He didn't think about the importation tax that was on him, but he designed it like months and months and months and months and months ahead.

Sherry, on the other hand, was less organized.

So Sherry got because Jay's Indian and Indian culture the men wear a bracelet, right, it's a silver Bracelet's a cuff that goes on to the wrist and once it's on has to be quite tight and then it doesn't get taken off. So not too long before the wedding, Sherry contacted me and was like, I'd like to get this cuff made for Jay, and I was like, totally fine, we can get it done.

Got it done, and it was too small because she took the measurements wrong. It didn't even go over his knuckles. So we had to do the most speaking of like the most rush job to get it done.

Again, you're doing for.

The general public totally. And this is not me telling you guys. We can rush things, but we don't like to because there's an order to it. There's people in line.

Yeah, one hundreds. And you also correct me if I'm wrong. Did you make Surey's wedding band?

Yeah?

And I made Cherry's wedding band.

Yeah.

It's like I know, it's all of the family. Sweet. Anyway, this is a lot of Sherry in this. We love Sherry. We're so happy she's having a baby.

Anyway, just go and speak to your husband, guys. Just sometimes these questions come in and my answer is communicate with your partner, speak to them and listen.

Okay, what about this though? Now, I think that he's very dedicated husband. I don't think's cheating. I think he loves you hypothetically.

He's cheating.

He's cheating hypothetically, And I'm just I'm just like being a detective here. If you go and say to him, which you're entitled to, Hey, baby, I've got a confession. When I picked up that package for you. I saw accidentally that it was from the jewelers. You know, I just wanted you to know, like, obviously I'm gonna love whatever it is. If you say that to him, he's

And then he'd get on the blower to his mate that's the jeweler, and he'd be like, I need So what do you think she does? I think you wait the time period I would this.

Is give it a buffer, though, Give it a couple of extra weeks just in case, so you are.

Sure that there is nothing coming from that jeweler. Like when that time period is gone. No, it's not much trapman, because if you've waited two three months, you've seen the box.

You've seen it. Yeah, you know that there is something from a jeweler.

If you don't get it in three months, he's not proposing because you're already married. There's jewelry somewhere for someone. So I think if you've waited long enough, there's no way I'd be sitting on that information because it'll eat you alive. Then you go to him and say, hey, confession. A couple of months ago, I saw I saw that there was a Jey package, and I just want to know what's up, Like, what was that CD that she got on Love? Actually, Norah Jones or what's her name?

No, I don't know, Joonie Mitchell. That's it.

She gets given a Yeah on Love Actually, she gets given a Joni Mitchell CD.

And you know what's so offensive about that? You'll no tell me. I'll tell you if she's actually because.

She's like it was her favorite artist, and he's like, I know that you love JOHNI Mitchell's your favorite artist. Well, if he knew that and Jonnie Mitchell really was her favorite artist, she'd already had that CD. That's why that's even more offensive. You're having an affair and you're giving me something I already.

Have can I tell you a funny story and I can laugh about this now.

So my Psycho X that I was with for two years had the double life that.

Most of you we speak about him a lot, Yeah, most of you know about If you don't, I had a Psycho X that had a double life.

So wish the sluthors. I mean, they can find Jordan with his sock tantrily.

They can find this guy. Come on.

He was overseas at the time, right for a work thing, and he was going through a really rough time, just like it was pull BI me.

It was really hard.

I decided to be the super romantic that I am and I sent him This cost me hundreds of dollars. I sent him this ginormous box of a hundred strawberries and berries that were beautifully dipped in different colored chocolates than they had nuts, and then they had you know, you know that over the top.

Yeah. It wasn't necessary, yeah, but it was beautiful.

And I sent him a really nice card, one of those things just to be like, I'm thinking of you, I love you, whatever.

So I found this out later.

The delivery knocked on the door and he opened the door and he saw this giant box of one hundred beautiful strawberries. And I don't know how he thought so quickly, how he acted so quickly. He just obviously thought it was from me, slid the card off, put it in his pocket, turned around to his other partner that happened to be there that I didn't know, looked at her and went surprise, and gave it to her.

He gave her what I sent him.

And I know this because she told me, like, when it all came out that he'd been cheating, we were like putting all this stuff together, and she said, hang on, did you ever send him one hundred covered strawberries?

I was like, to America, and she was like yes, and I was like, yes I did.

She's like, oh my gosh. She's like I was in the apartment when they arrived. She's like, I knew he would never have done that. He pretended that he fucking bought them for her. So she the other woman eight hundreds of dollars of my gift.

It's so funny. Imagine imagine if it was fingerprint jewelry. Yeah, but then you could do the test thing singer print was anyway.

I mean, mate, we've lived a life we said, we're not experts, but we have had some experience.

Had that all right, Well, guys, that is it from us.

If you have a question for ask Gunkut, slide into the DMS, send it into us, and hopefully we can answer it on next week's episode. Keep them spicy, keep them light, keep them to whatever we don't care, and keep them coming.

We are going to start keeping these shorter, because no, we're not. Every time I look down, I'm like, it's an hour and a half. Stop lying, all right, don't forget to you mum, tell dadte dog toy friends, and share the love because we are love