This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land.
Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life. I'm Cut, I'm Laura.
I'm Brittany, and this is Ask gun Cut. We do it every single week. We've done it for six years. You're write in your questions you did darkest burning problems. We do our best to answer them.
When you say we've done it for six years, it makes me think, should we do something new?
Do you know what? We have thought about that in the past, and we've asked the listeners. The life is what they listen you guys. But people love ask gun Cut and I love it. It's the life uncut stable. I don't think we can get rid of it. And even if we did, people want it. We've got to give the people they want.
Like when we got rid of actually unfiltered for a couple of weeks and then people were like.
What happened to it? Where did it go?
Speaking about that, we do need some more accidentally unfiltered. So if something embarrassing has happened to you, please send it into the podcast. Anyway. How would you weekend it? Oh?
My weekend was fine, except I have entered this stage of pregnancy now where I have pregnancy insomnia and I am so tired, Like I'm just so tired. And sometimes it's because I forget that I'm pregnant, and then I wake up and I'm like, why am I still tired?
Why is everything hard?
And then I remember I'm like forging headfirst into third trimester, and I probably should be tired by this point.
I think it's completely normal that you're tired. You got two you're growing a baby, you're working a lot, you're running a household. I think that's pretty standard. Laura's like, I'm so shocked.
I can't figure it out. Hold on, let me tell you.
Oh yeah, I am past twenty six weeks now, fruit are you?
I don't know.
This app doesn't tell me the fruit. Hold on, let me google it.
Should you'd be the size of a rock wallerby twenty.
Walla twenty six weeks fruit. I'm sure everyone's on the edge of their seat. What fruit are you at? Twenty six Cabbage? That's pretty big.
That's pretty big, also pretty circular. I would have thought you were like eggplanty, like something longer I was.
I don't know.
They do roll into a little ball, though, But I was telling these guys. The other day, you might remember how I was talking about how I've started weighing my pants, like I've properly started winging my pants.
It's not it's not funny. It's not like a little bit of bladder leak.
So when we were driving down to Ala Dulla the other week in the car it was like late night drive. Kids were asleep in the back. I swallowed some water and it went down the wrong tube, and so I started coughing. Except I coughed and I fully wet myself, not tiny bit, not a little bit at the end, not like cute, a little bit of bloody leakage. I fully pissed my pants and had to do the rest of the drive with no pants on, no underys on.
I don't think that was necessary to me.
I didn't want to stop because if we stopped, Lola, as soon as you stop the engine, Lola nos, and so like I just sat No, I didn't, I too, pants off my pants. It's that naked, that which is much better. I'm sure that's a lot more humbling. I just imagine every time we went under, like the mobile phone cameras, because they take photos of every car and then it uses AI to detect whether you're on your phone or not. But imagine if like someone had to
manually do that. They're like pregnantly no pants.
Surely that's illegal.
Surely there's like phone cameras and nudity cameras. I don't think you can drive.
I think you can just with your bag to cover it, though because you're pregnant, you probably couldn't see it.
I looked like I was wearing short shorts because I just would have had my jumper down over the top of it. Anyway, Yeah, it's all like it's all bad from here. There's nothing good about the trimester except for the fact that it's almost over.
Like that's not an enjoyable time.
And the problem is, so when I spoke to my obstetrician about it, I don't know how truthful this is or.
Like, I mean, I believe him. He's a very good obstetrician, but.
I don't know if he's sld me the truth.
So the baby's breach at the moment, like the baby's feet down, and I was telling you guys this, so like I sometimes simultaneously feel like I'm being kicked in the vagina and stabbed in the heart, like I feel like I'm getting kicked both ends at the same time. I was like, how is it possible that I'm feeling all the pressure up the top but also at the bottom at the same point. And he was like, Oh, it's because it's your third baby and your womb is
so stretched and floppy because your baby's breach. It can literally just stand up. So just imagine like a cabbage fully upright like this. I think I did tell you this, don't I did about this?
I pitched I think it was last week.
There was one time we were all on a flight and because I'm so short, I.
Can stand up in the seats, you know, when the plane lands, He's just standing inside me.
That's what I felt like.
I was like, I think it feels like me standing up in the plane.
Like just direct tell you, guys, are all I was born breach?
Yeah, look, guys, like I said, I'm really tired. I've forgotten the things I've told you and what I haven't told you. Let's just steamroll. Also, my dad sent me a photo of.
A crocodile so we could talk about that instead. If you want to.
Hang on you know what I what I didn't tell you. I know we did have this conversation, but part of because I was born, but first legs around my head.
If you're not talking about.
Click clicking hips about ability that was included.
No, I haven't told you this bit, so don't come for me.
Laura just repeated the story word for't.
And because I'm a good friend, I let her do it. I was like, I'm not gonna I'm not going to stopper. I was like, let's just.
What was going to say?
Guys, I've got something Nothing new happens in my life anymore.
I just pissed, who has it?
Got that out word for work the story?
I was going to add something new to it to get who I've told shit to? Just know you did say sorry, I.
Know I want to hear. All I was gonna say is because I thought I didn't need to add something to the for a Pete story. But because of that, so for like a month, my legs because I had spent almost a whole like my legs went around my head quite early in the womb, so it wasn't like a last minute thing. I just grew in there like that. So when I was born, my legs stayed up they
didn't go down. So Mum would put my legs down, She'd push them down, and they would fling back up like their natural response was to be up literally around. I know, I know, I can still put my legs around my head now, but she would like put them down there, go and flick back up.
There were so many jokes that were just offered on a silver plat of that, so many and we did good.
We did good. Kis I made one, we sustained.
It would have made some new content if you came from me.
All right, Look, we have important please, we have important things to do on this episode, and that is answer your ask guncut questions. But before we do that, it is time for vibes and unsubscribes.
Bernie, what is your vibe?
You've already you've already warned us that it's particularly low brow.
We've got to stop saying TV shows a low brow but it is a TV show. It's all I'm doing. Ben is here still which has been Actually I haven't really spoken about Ben much lay.
Every episode.
No, not really. Benn is still here and it's the longest time we've spent together ever. Like this period from the wedding is the longest we've ever spent together and so nice because we're back to like I feel like we just are living a normal life a little bit, which is really really nice.
How long is it that you get to spend together, do you know? In total?
We don't know because we don't know when he's going back yet. Basically he's waiting for a new team or his old team or whatever. It's contracts, so he's just waiting and then he'll go. But we just watch a lot of TV at night, So that's what we're doing at the moment. The Better Sister. The Better Sister is on Amazon Prime. It is like a thriller TV series and the lead is Jessica Biel. Now, I think a lot of people still look and think of Jessica Bile
as like justin Timberlake's Wife. She was in that really wholesome The Brady Bunch thing that wasn't The Brady Bunch was called Seventh Heaven. Yeah, when we grew up with Seventh Heaven, like, no one ever really, I don't think took her seriously until a couple of years ago when she was in the thriller Sinner.
Yeah, it was so good. Do you remember Nast when we were living together and we like devoured that. The Sinner, which Eessica Bielle. Yeah, it's so good.
Well, this is The Better Sister with Elizabeth Banks as well. They're sisters, and it is a thriller that is so good. You don't see what the end is like, you don't see it coming. The acting is brilliant, like really really really really good. It's probably one of the series in the last year that I haven't wanted to pick up my phone, that I've really stayed in that I've finished an episode and been like can we go watch the next episode? Thoroughly enjoyed it, and it's made me love
Jessica Biel a lot more so. It's Amazon Prime if you have it. The Better Sister.
The last time I watched Jessica biel like I watched The Sinner, I went and got my haircut and got that fringe.
Now she had like a dead straight fringe.
She's got a dead straight bob in this.
Okay, well might doing the same.
No, I literally I went out and I got the fringe caut and I rocked it for a good six months because I was obsessed with her, so like, yes, I'm in I'm about that one.
You love it.
I have a vibe which is a little bit different for us. I don't think we normally vibe artists on the podcast.
I've vibed an artist once.
Remember for your artwork that's in your Yeah, little Gaga, little Gaga, shout out hi, little Gaga.
The beautiful palm artwork in my house.
Yeah, it's gorgeous.
Well, I guess I'm like in the trenches of Instagram trying to find artists and artworks and things at the moment because we are coming to the clothes and the renovation that we've been doing, and then trying to find interiors to make it feel like it's a house, not a whole lot of just random bits of furniture popped around a house.
So I've been following this one. It's just but when you have nothing on.
Your trying to make a house a home, Yeah, when you have nothing on your walls at all and you have your furniture in, it literally just looks like you've popped a lounge there, a chair. There's like it just takes me and it feels at the moment and our walls look so bare. So I've been following some of these artists for quite a long time, but I've actually just like taken the leap and purchased art from them. So two that I'm obsessed with, which I wanted to
share with you guys. Honestly, one of them, I think just she just makes the most beautiful very coastal in some ways, but not in like your kitch beachy by any means. The colors are really cool, really contemporary. They're very warm and vibrant. But she just has a really really beautiful use of composition and color play.
Her name is Jesse Clear. She's local. She's local to me anyway.
She's in Bondi, but she's an Australian artist, and she's had some really beautiful features, like recently in the design files. She also works with so Folk Interiors, which is quite a well known interior company, have used her throughout a lot of their show homes and whatnot.
So I, oh, yeah, I've just pulled her up.
I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed with her.
I've been following her for so long, and so I'm really excited that we're now going to have one of her artworks going into our house. And then another artist I wanted to share with you as well, someone who I came across more re But I've just bought a stack of little artworks, so you know how sometimes you don't want that one big piece. You want like a collection of little ones, maybe to make a college wall.
So I've got one in my lounge room to shrines. Bet in mind, I have a collage wall in my lounger, so you don't need to explain to me what that is, Laura, please continue.
Okay, Well, her name is Ella Martin. She's also based in Sydney. That her artworks are really really beautiful and also exceptionally affordable. Like I was genuinely shocked when I saw how affordable they are for original artworks, and that kind of means that because they are smaller, you can get a few of them and create those really cool sort of like collective pieces. So we've just bought a stack from her as well. I actually I mean good luck. I think I cleaned her out because I was like.
All right, well I'll get them all. She's get up the prices now, but she can know that there's just two artists.
I've loved following them. I love the way in which they create their art. They're very textural, they're really contemporary, and I think in terms of what is trending at the moment with the kind of the way that they use color and everything, you guys will love them.
So go and have a squiz. Great my recommendation, Love.
That my record mondation this week. It's gonna sound a little bit full on, but I found it utterly fascinating and I couldn't get enough of it. It's a woman by the name of Monty Mada.
Now.
I came across a video of hers on Instagram and I think it was only about it'd be less than two months ago that I started following her and she had about four hundred thousand followers. Then I looked at her profile this morning before recommending her, and she's got one point one million now, so yeah, she's obviously going through a little bit of you know, a Surgeen's I guess.
But she's got this podcast and it's called Flipping Tables Podcast, and this particular episode was episode thirteen and it's called the Downfall of Dogma. Monty's story. Now, it's her story, and it's her just retelling her story. She's the only one on the podcast, so it's kind of like that narration style. And a part of her story is that she comes from a former alt right Christian nationalist family. So she grew up in this really small town in
Wyoming in a really religious family. She attended like a private Christian school that her grand father actually founded. They went to church multiple times a week, and her dad in particular was extreme in his views in almost every sense, it's really racist. He was really misogynistic. And what I find most interesting about Monte telling her story is that she explains what her life was like so that we now can have conversations dispelling a lot of the myths.
And what I mean by that is like, the one that she really focuses on, particularly on her Instagram, is people being like, oh, well, that's my opinion, and it's because that's what it says in the Bible. Like she'll talk about things to do with abortion rights and to do with you know, things that impact the political space now, and she's like, actually, that is not what it says in the Bible. This is actually what it says in
the Bible. And because she understands where they came from, you know, she was conditioned in the same way and she.
Used to be that way because it was all she ever knew.
It was like docks in the Bible, but she doxing the people that are using the Bible to justify really awful opinions and thoughts and beliefs.
It's so interesting when someone like that has been like deprogrammed in a way, but they still have all the information and they're almost the best people to speak on these things because they can see it from both sides.
Yeah, and they also are able to kind of dispel some of the stuff that people say that isn't.
Actually true, you know, an left scientology church.
Yes, it's kind of like she was to the point where it would be considered almost a cult, like it was so full on their beliefs. And Yeah, because she's experienced it, she can speak on it, and she can also speak on the opposing opinion that she has now grown to have. I actually think she might be someone that could be really interesting to interview.
I know it's a little bit hectic.
We'll talk about that offair.
I think you'd be interested anyway. This episode is a podcast.
It is called Flipping Tables Podcast, or you could follow her Instagram Monty Mada.
Yeah, I found it really really interesting. It's number thirteen.
Let's get into the questions, all right, Question number one. I like the headline for this separated but I need sex? Well that's unpack. Hey, guys, I need some help. My husband and I had separated in March. We've been together for twelve years, married for seven, with two kids under five. It has been amicable, and to be honest, I think I mourn the relationship a long time before we actually separated. My question is this, though I am horny.
That's a statement that's.
Not loll in no way, shape or form. Am I ready to date a man, but a girl has needs. My girlfriends keep saying that I should just get on the apps, which seems like it's good in theory, except that I live in a very small city where everyone knows everyone, and I know I will come across his mates on the apps who will tell him that I'm on there, and then they.
Will be even more nasty than he is now.
I just don't know if I should say fuck it and do it or is it too soon?
Help?
Oh, my time and I separated in March. That's not long. March April main that's dream month.
No, that's really that is a very short period of time to be actively because okay, firstly, do whatever you want to your sep you can live your life.
Oh yeah, No, I'm not saying it for that reason. I'm just trying to when you say is it too soon, I'm just trying to do the math. Okay, so you've been separated for three months, you were together for twelve years. At the end of the day, you can do what you want. You can do what you want to day after a separation, you know, it's up to you. The's no right or wrong. But when you've got kids and it's twelve years and you're in a small town, then like two to three months would be deemed as soon
by a lot of people. I want to say, go and do what you want and go and get on the apps, because that's what you should be doing. You do need to move on with your life and do whatever you feel like is the right thing for you. But unfortunately, you do need to take into consideration what repercussions there will be and for you. Unfortunately, you know he and his friends are going to be twas Like you've said, they're already nasty. It's not great. Will they
be nastier. My answer is yes, if he sees that you are on apps, he will try to use that against you. He might try and manipulate you in some way with the kids, or I don't feel like it's going to end well. But I hate saying that because in an ideal world it shouldn't matter and it shouldn't stop you. But we have to be realistic here, and if he's not, if this is not amicable and he's not completely happy, and he's not also moving on, and it is a small town. We all know what small
towns like. I grew up in a small town. Everyone knows everyone. There is no way you can go on a dating app in a small town and it not gets straight back to your ex.
So it's just something you need to weigh up.
Is the juice worth the squeeze?
Literally, your juices are your juices. We did have to go there always I didn't have to. I'm going to take it.
If there's a shot, I'm taking it. But you just need to weigh that up. You know, for your life. It's only going to impact your life. It's not going to impact anyone else's life. It's like you and the kids, you're gonna have to deal with him. You're gonna have to deal with his attitude and his friend's attitude. So yeah, I don't know, only you know it.
I honestly wouldn't say it any differently, brit I think you hit thenail on the head. The only thing I would add to this is normally my response to these sorts of things would be you're separated, you can do whatever you want to. But I do think that when it comes into the situation where you're co parenting and you're both going through the very messy immediacy after a breakup, like it has only been three months, that is probably
very new and fresh. And I'm assuming that that's from when you broke up, not from because like, breakups are never just you know, immediate, they're not.
Not like today's the day we broke up.
So like, is that from the time where you had the big conversation around we're separating, because it might have been a couple of weeks after that when everyone actually sort of really realized that, Okay, the breakup's real. The problem is is that and you've nailed it in your question. Often we do the breakup when we're in the relationship,
So you've mentally moved on. So even though it's only three months since the breakup of a really big and substantial relationship, I mean marriage, twelve years together, Like.
You know, kids, it's a big thing.
You checked out a long time ago, and so for you it's not as big a deal. But I would dare say that he would be quite hurt if he saw you were on there, because the thing is is he doesn't know that you're just on there for sex. He might think you're on there because you're actively dating, and that just feels really premature and a bit hurtful.
But even if he did know you were just on there for sex, if this came as a shock to him and in his eyes after twelve years you've only been separated for three months, whether it's sex or not, that's gonna hurt. Like, that's going to hurt somebody.
Yes, And look, I understand it's gonna hurt someone. My thing is, though, is it's not actually I'm not actually even really thinking about his hurt in this because you are allowed to do what you want to do. My thing is is, more so, are you gonna make your life really really hard? And are you going to make the co parenting situation really really hard for yourself. It shouldn't have that impact, but we would be living with our heads in the sand if we didn't think that it could.
Have that impact.
I've got idea, So I okay, before we get the idea, just all I think is is like, just give it another couple of months.
What you know, I know your horny, I know you want to get out there.
I know you want to get back on the horse, so to say, But can you wait another three months?
And then you will have been broken up for six months?
And then that's probably a little bit more of a justifiable time frame to be like, well we separated six months ago.
I'm looking at, you know.
What, my option out there in the big wide bad world, ab out tiny little community.
I agree, but I'm not worried about like, morally, yeah, six months is great, more time the better. I'm not worried about justifying it to him about this is how much time, like you can do it. I'm just more worried about it making your life hard totally. But what I want to say this is my bride idea. Your friends are like, you know, you need to get back out there, You need to get back on the horse, your horny. You are separated now, which means you aren't
going to be I'm assuming sharing the kids. So you need to go away on the weekend that you don't have the kids. Go to another town, Go to wherever. Go fly up to the Gold Coast. I don't even know where you live. Go with your friends for a girl's weekend.
Play the away game, get on the apps, do whatever you want.
Like, play the away game. Also, you don't want to be sleeping with someone in a tiny, small town that knows all your business anyway, Like, maybe that's for when you want to start dating properly. Go somewhere else and do it, even if it's like an hour away to a town.
Imagine what I like. That's such a so much effort to get laid. I'm so lazy.
No, I can guarantee you this woman will be dying for a weekend away with the friends. She's been married for twelve years and she's got kids. No one in their right mind would say no to a weekend away with your girlfriends in that situation.
Yeah, but then you're not seeing your girlfriends. You're going away to try and find someone to have sex with. The imagine if you're like, hey, hey, Brick, come with me on a weekend away and then we get there and I'm like, sorry, match with this dude.
I'm going to go fucking for a twelve hours.
I think it's fine. Twelve please please, don't kid yourself. I think it's fine.
I'm gonna go fucking for twelve friends, sorry, friends, and kind of few cheerleaders.
Her friend's gonna be like, do I get a girl?
Like?
You know?
That's what real friends are. The friends are not going to be like keeping your pants up for twelve years.
I'm just all.
I'm all for what creates the least amount of drama, and if that means a little bit of waiting or a little bit of inconvenience, then I feel like the stage of life that I'm in, I'm happy to wait a.
Little bit longer. But also most I'm not in this state.
I'm not separate after twelve years and being unhappy anyway, all right?
Question number two okay is a six minute voice note from a potential date of red flag.
Yes.
Now, this needs some context because generally speaking, a six minute voice note could be my friend was chatting to a guy on hinge for two days, so forty eight hours. They eventually exchanged numbers, and after four days they planned to meet, but she got cold feet because he was appearing too keen. Keen is in messaging multiple times throughout the day without her responding, and he would do things such as react to messages to get her attention in
hopes that she would respond. No, so he's like written to her, she's not written back, so he's like, you know where you put the question mark bubble? Oh, that's so awkward. She attempted the slow fade away, replying after twenty four to forty eight hours. However, he wasn't getting the message, and she decided to tell him she just wasn't interested in pursuing anything. As a response, he sent her a six minute voice message attempting to convince her
to give him a chance. My friend is considering giving him a go because she appreciates the effort he has made. Now keep in mind they haven't actually met. I think this is an awful idea, and a six minute voice message is a big giant red flag.
What would you do?
My very first thought is if this guy is that hard to get rid of when you haven't even met him. Imagine what it's going to be like after you go out on a date. This is not normal behavior. This is really hyper fixating behavior. This to me is like really overstepping the social cues of what is acceptable at this level of dating. And I because someone badgered me into giving them a date is not the reason why
i'd be giving them a date. So I would say this is red flag, don't go on a date with this guy.
This is too much.
Yes, So what I want to say is a six minute voice message doesn't have to be a red flag.
A lot of people that's a podcast. That's not a voice message. He sent you a mini podcast.
A lot of people love a voice message. For me, I'm not into it. Six minutes is too long. If one's more than a minute, and all my friends know, don't do it one them on a minute. I'm not gonna listen to it. I'm not gonna get the message. He's just like, damn it.
You love a voice memo.
I love a voice memoir, especially if I'm driving because you know no.
But I do like that you can play them. I learned this from Shameless.
Actually, you can.
Hold down the play button and you can play it at two times speed.
Oh game changer. Okay.
The reason I have an issue with the voice notes is because no one actually sends the note like. Nobody writes or speaks a voice note like they would a message. Messages are efficient. It's like hey, question when you're doing a voice and you're like, hey, sorry, I'm just driving, so I'm sending up. There's thirty seconds in you explaining why you're doing a voice You don't need to send that.
Just say what do you want to say?
I sent a pretty efficient voice message about ten seconds. Go to band, have listen, he baby. I filled up like a delicious water bottle of water and cold water and cordial, and it's on the bench and I forgot it, so you may.
As well drink it.
Actual way to go to waste. We had to love when you recorded it.
Now I've had to lose that time again.
I'm sorry, repeat storyteller.
I lost minutes of my life today.
I'm pregnant. Goddamn it. I forget everything. So yeah, okay, the sixth minut of voice message stand alone, depends what was in the message, depends what he was saying. You know, all of that stuff really matters because there are some people that are really funny and comical, and he might be like, Okay, I know we'll get along. I just want you to get a sense of who I am. But a six minute voice message off the back of you trying to call it quits is a red flag.
Like you have said, straight up, I don't want to see you anymore. There's nothing like not anymore. But like you haven't even met him. Your friend is like, hey, you know what, not for me. She's tried to call it off. Then the voice message is trying to convince you. So that's where my problem is. I don't want anyone to think that they get a voice message from someone and it's a red flag.
It's not.
People are putting in effort these days, people trying to find their penguin. They're looking at different, you know, different ways to connect with people. And maybe this person just isn't a Texter and thinks that he can get more across in a voice message. But you can't do it off the back of saying hey, I don't want to meet you, Like, that's the red flag. So if I were her, I'd just be blanking him now like you've
said it. She's like, oh, I'm considering giving him a go because he's really pestering me, like no, not for me?
Yeah, look, I mean like yes, of course, it might be a bit flattering that somebody isn't taking no for an answer, but the thing is he doesn't know you. He actually doesn't know you at all, So the fact that he's like not taking no for an answer is also very very odd. The other thing is is like I would love to know, and maybe everyone has a different scale for this. When does it become badgering? Like, obviously,
on one hand, we want someone who pursues us. You want someone who's proactive, you want someone who is showing that they're interested. But there is absolutely a line where it goes from being interested to being inappropriate. And is it the fact that, like, you know, when you haven't responded to a message, he's like doing the love hearts and what not to try and get your attention so that you're like, hey, I'm still here, I'm still here.
Like these are very passive ways.
Well actually they're not in that passive, but like they're very like minimal ways that he's like showing you that he wants your attention when you're not giving it to him.
Which is like interrupting your day.
But then also he's doing the outward and very overt ways, which is like the multiple messages, the sending voice messages.
I don't know.
I'm like, when does it cross the line between being like, Okay, hey, I'm proactive verse I am badgering you to get what I want, Because that, I think is where it crosses into a problem.
Yeah, but then I want Yeah, I wonder if we flip it, and I'm just thinking back to like all my years of online dating, if we flip this, and it is the woman that is interested in a man, right, like, so they're going to meet up, and then he's slow fading her. He's like riding back after twenty four hours or forty eight hours, like two days or whatever to
a question. I would then say, Hey, if you're really keen and you want to follow up, I would say you could, you could send a question mark or like you could say, hey, are we still going to do that? So I would say it's almost okay if you're really interested.
I would just wonder because it used to drive me insane being on that receiving end, Like there would be times that I would do that to people where I would slow fade them and not want to talk to them and not reply because I was like, I'm done whatever. But then there'd be times where maybe I had been vibing with this guy and then we'd organized to meet and then he was slow fading me, and it would
drive me insane. I'm like, if bant was going well and everything seemingly was like, yeah, we're going to meet up in a couple of days, then he's slow faded. Sometimes it's really hard to just step back and be like, oh, they're not interested when you've sort of invested a little bit of time and ef and it seems good. Sometimes you would know before you ask Laura, I haven't sent a six minute.
Voice, but would you feel like that after just forty eight hours of texting someone? Would you feel that level of like because I think a follow up message is fine. Absolutely, I've got no problems with a follow up, but this isn't a follow up, this is multiple follow ups. And then she had to actually say, hey, I'm not interested in you, and then it was badgery, Like I think I do too.
I don't think she should meet him, but I'm just saying I don't necessarily like The thing that bothers me here is I don't think you should meet him. I think what he's done is too much. But she says he was appearing too keen and it put her off. And sometimes I think we confuse what we want. Sometimes we say I just wish someone would be interested in me. I wish I would show me that they're keen message me. And if you were really interested in him, I don't think you'd be put off by how keen he is.
You wouldn't be saying he's too keen he is messaging too much. It probably just is you're not on his left and you're not as keen as him. If you were interested in him, you'd be like vibing it. It would be cool that he's following. You're like so cute he can't even wait for me to message back, you know. I think, if anything, this is just an indication that you're not on the same level of interest as he is. But I don't know. I think we can't complain. On
one hand that we're saying dating is so hard. Men don't put an effort in anymore, And I'm saying men specifically to this situation. Men don't put an effort in anymore, or they don't show an interest. It'd be really nice for someone to just show me they like me, and then when they do, you're like, oh, they're messaging too much, they're too keen. It's gross. There are definitely people that are too keen and that are not you know, dating in the right way or making you feel safe and
whatever else. But I just don't want us to get to a point where we jump to that too quickly. Because someone is just showing you attention and interest, obviously you need to differentiate if that is like creepy and too much. And this one, for me is.
It is crazy. I think this is across the line. That's how I feel. Yeah, No, I'm just generally speaking.
I'm just winding it back now to her saying she got cold feet because he appeared too keen, you know, because the voice message came after she said he was took for the messages, so I would just not be running back to this guy. For me, I was like, you've not meant him, you have no investment in him. Don't move it along.
Yeah, don't go on a pity date because you're badging into going you're not interested. You didn't want to go, and this guy's unrelentingly badgering you, And the answer is no. It goes with everything in life. Don't have sex with
someone who badges you into having sex. Don't go on dates with men who badge you into going on dates like you don't have to do anything you don't want to, and you're only doing this because you feel as though he's begging your Probably, yeah, your options are probably minimal at the moment. You're probably not dating a lot of people, and this guy's like fucking badgering you, and no, the answer is no.
Yeah, it's a red flag.
I agree.
Okay, all right.
Question three, Hi, ladies, how to know when your relationship is over? If you start googling as my relationship over, that's a real ever.
Yeah, that's a pretty red hot sign. That's how I figured it out.
My husband and I have been together for almost eleven years. We've been through a lot in that time, including a separation and couples counseling. We have an almost three year old and suffered a miscarriage three months ago after trying for sixteen months. I'm really sorry that you're going through that. Long story short. Everything he does lately pisces me off. He teases our son, which I hate because I cought that as a kid and it made me incredibly uncomfortable
and gave me low self esteem. I've spoken to him about it, and he's doing it just for fun and to make him less soft. But I just find it really mean. There's that and a few other things, And I can't tell whether we're going through a rough patch with everything that's happened, or whether I'm just done interested to hear your opinions.
I mean, we can't tell you if you're done with your relationship or not. I think there is something in it to say, Like if you are googling it or writing in then you know you've probably gone just over the cusp of curiosity.
Yeah.
The thing I don't like the most is where you say he's like pestering and bullying, making fun of your son to make him less soft. Like, to me, that is not a belief that I would subscribe to, Like that a son can't be soft at all.
He's three. He's three, baby.
It also doesn't matter what age he is. Like, those ideas have gone out the window. You can marry somebody or love somebody and be with somebody and you can know them wholeheartedly, then you can go and have kids. There's no way for you to know what kind of a parent someone's going to be or how they're going to show up in a relationship. When you have kids, you can still know that person, but they're presented with new challenges in life. You didn't know what kind of
a parent he would be. Now you've seen it. You've chatting to him about the way that you don't like how he parents and how you would like it to be a different way. You've explained why because you know it affected you as a child, and you disagree he's going to keep doing that for me. I don't have kids, as you all know, but I feel like that is a really big driver for a separation. If you are adamantly disagreeing with how your partner parents, it is going
to build resentment. It is going to turn you so much like I don't like your husband after listening to this, the way that you've said, please stop bullying a three year old to make him or soft, and he's saying no, he needs it for me. That's like, I don't know how you look at your partner the same In situation like that. But I don't know what else is going on in your life. You have said that there has been quite tumultuous for a while. You've done couples counseling,
there's been trial separations. Only you know, you have gone through a miscarriage, which, as a couple and as individuals, of course, is going to affect you. So when you say is it a rough patch or not, it very well could be a rough patch, but it also might
not be. And you're only gonna know by I guess, having to think a really deep think about everything else that he's bringing to the table, the way he's acting towards you, towards your family unit, towards your son, and then making a decision if that is what you want, because if you are trying to bring another child into the world, that's only going to double down.
Yeah.
I mean, when I read this one, it's really tricky because we don't we never want to give the advice of like leave your relationship, you know, especially when you've been with your partner for eleven years and you've got a kid together. I would also say, like, don't underestimate the impacts of trying for sixteen months for a baby and then having a miscarriage, like the devastation of that, Like that is a really big thing that only happened three months ago. That's a lot for you guys to
get over as a couple, but also individually for you. Yeah, don't disregard that as being a huge player in this. I think the thing though, is you've said everything he does lately pisces me off.
Has he always pissed you off? Has it just been in the last few months.
Has it been in the last like I would really love Like I guess a bit more understanding from the timeframe perspective, because sometimes you can go through a period which is a rough patch, and then your partner, the way you feel about them, everything they do, drives you absolutely fucking crazy. But I do believe that things that spiral down can also spiral back up and you can fix it.
The only thing.
Is is the part of it that I struggle with is if you resent him because of the way he is with your child that you already have. Just like you said, Britt, that's a really hard thing to overcome. And I think for most people, if you saw your partner being mean or probably makes you not only if you're already pissed off with all these other emotional things that are loaded into it, but that's just like the icing on the cake. You're like, you're also just being
a shitty dad at the moment. I want to say, if you're unsure, I know you said you've done some
trial separations and also couples counseling. I would wonder whether you've been and had individual counseling and actually spoken to someone impartially on your own, because it sounds like you've got a lot of stuff that you need to work through, and maybe going and speaking to someone separately, not with your partner, not with the intention of it fixing the relationship, but just like working through, Okay, from top to bottom, what is it that I want?
How am I feeling?
Obviously hormones are probably all over the place post miscarriage
as well. Like just really kind of working through your own shit a little bit might help you put things into perspective as to whether this is a patch that you guys are going to get through or whether this is actually you being like, you know what, the relationship is not for me and it's run its course out, but it's impossible for us to say that, but it does sound like you have a lot of reasons as to why you feel the way you feel.
Also, sometimes when you're subconsciously checking out relationship, you want to find reasons to justify it as well. And so everything that he does now pisses you off. You know, maybe you are just done and I'm just saying this is food for thought. I'm not telling you you're done. We don't know your relationship, but sometimes that's what we do. Like, Also, one huge issue that is making you uncomfortable and pissing you off, which is the fact that he teases your
son for quote fun. It's easy then for just noble for you to be like, do you know what fucking everything you were doing is wrong? Like it's not just that it's this and this and this. It's really easy to sit in that situation.
But also that like I mean, I'm just thinking of this as like from a parenting perspective, there is nothing more fucking annoying than when your kid is like happily playing. Everything is calm in the house, there is nothing wrong, there is nothing wrong, no one's upset, and then all of a sudden, one person just decides to sit there poking until because it explodes. Right then you've got a kid crying.
You go, oh, did and do anything?
Like why?
Why? What was you let them be? What was your reason for doing that?
Because now you've made my job harder, You've made your job harder, You've made this poor little kid fucking upset, Like what was the purpose of all of this? And if you're having to deal with that on repeat all the time, like that is absolutely infuriating. And I'm saying this not like Matt does not do this, and it
probably sounds like I'm like channeling. I've witnessed this happen a lot, you know, in parents who think it's funny to do things that are like, oh, like I was just I was just messing around or I was tickling, and the parent takes the game too far for a kid's little three year old capacity, and then they get super emotionally, they're super worked up, and then everyone's dealing with the meltdown and it's like you did that and
you're an adult, grow up. I don't know that to me, Like, I understand why you're so pissed off by this.
This is a really hard one.
But the question, how do you know if a relationship is over, it's how long is a piece of string? Like it is impossible for anyone to answer that. But you, I think you just need to look at your future. What are you non negotiables? What's important to you? How do you see your life? How do you see the person in your life treating your kids? How do you see the environment that your kid's are gonna grow up in? Like?
You need to down and picture all these things. Speak to a therapist, whatever it is you choose to do. But I would go to the councilor probably alone for this one. Personally. If you don't think deep down that your partner fits into the ideals of what you see and want and desire for your future and a safe environment for you and your family, then maybe that is how you know. So I would be having a really really deep think and writing these sort of things down.
What you want versus what you think you have. Don't get stuck in the sunk cost fallacy of saying, well, we've been together this long and you know like I would hate to have to start again. And if something doesn't work for you, something might have worked for you a decade ago, it might not work for you now, But like Laura said, things that do spiral down can
spiral back up. So as long as your husband is willing to listen to you and understand that what he's doing is not right for your child and for you and for the environment, and he's willing to work with that, then of course it can make its way back up, and you, coul guys could get to a place that you might have never been to before. It might be better than ever.
Have you ever heard of like it's I mean, just a saying in terms of because people always ask, how do you know when a relationship's over? And the thing is is everyone's capacity for when a relationship is over is different. Some people's relationships are over and they stay in that relationship for their entire lives, right, So it really is different. But someone said this to me once it really stuck with me. A relationship's over when one
person decides it is. And like, if you're at a point where that decision is something that you want and you know that that is right from you, if there is a persistent lack of communication, if there is a persistent lack of understanding of repair of them actually showing up and doing the things that they want to do. If there is a persistent resentment that is there, then
your relationship is over and there your telltale signs. But I think once you've made a decision, that's how you know that it's over.
Yeah, but that's really hard.
It's a making the decision that's the hard party.
I recently read something from doctor John Gotman that was about contempt, and basically that I've just googled it so I can kind of refresh. Essentially, this whole thing was about how once you have contempt in your relationship, that's the pivotal moment that things go downhill and they very rarely go back up the hill again.
So I've just googled.
Contempt is a form of communication that expresses disrespect and disdain for a partner, often manifesting a sarcasm, mockery, name calling, and dismissive gestures like eye rolling. It's more than just criticism. It's a way of belittling and devaluing the other person, creating a sense of superiority. I recognize why that would be the point of no return, because how do you come back from feeling like that?
Yeah, I definitely think there are points way before that though, on the spectrum of when to leave, Like, I don't think you have to wait to get to that point, but I understand that that could be the point where you probably don't come back from it.
Yeah. Sorry, I thought that that was quite specific to you know what she's saying that she's experiencing her relationship, but it's almost like it's being directed towards your child. Which look, yeah, again, I'm not here to tell you what to do in your relationship, but I think if if there's contempt in your relationship, I think it would be very hard to come.
Back from ession.
And now you've said you have no idea how to answer this one, so I also.
We're gonna do it anyway. Let's unpack this together.
Breaking hard, It's really hard.
My in laws currently live one point five hours away from us. Often when they come to visit, they want to stay the night. We have two young children and a small unit. I find it all gets so overwhelming when they stay over because they have big personalities and quite different views to me. My partner also clashes with his parents at times, and it can all just get really heated. They also have a small dog who likes to piss in our small house on arrival.
Fuck not normal.
They want to move even further away from us. And I think they think that when they do this, they can just stay at our place whenever they come to see the grandchildren, all for day visits and catch ups. But is it rude to tell them that they can't stay at our house overnight? How do you work that nicely? Should I just suck it up and let them stay over from.
Time to time?
Yes?
Yes, okay, it was easier to answer, and I thought it was going to be.
No. The dog the dog pissing thing has stops the easiest answer you guys have ever given, because it's so hard, because you want to say, it's your space, it's your family. You don't have to do anything you don't do, like we all know that those are the answers, like you have the autonomy to make the decisions that you're happy with, blah blah blah. Sometimes you have to do something you don't want to do in life, like that is life, and we don't always get to say like it doesn't
serve me. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person. The dog pissing thing like that, you need to work that out, like you can't just have dog come and piss around your house.
Yeah, you just say like you can stay, but unfortunately the dog keeps pissing at our house. The dog can't come. Get a dog sitter, like, they don't need to bring the dog that's on them. It's not that out one hundred percent. But it's pretty normal.
I'm like it not for me, but it's pretty normal that you might not get along with your in laws, or you have different personalities, and it can feel like a lot in a small space. You'd be hard pressed to find somebody who doesn't feel overly comfortable in a tiny apartment with multiple big personalities, sleeping like it's part and parcel with life. Like you, sometimes you do things you don't want to do. Having your in law stay sporadically for a night or two is something you have
to do. Maybe you book yourself up a little bit. Maybe you're really busy over that time, you're not spending ludicrous amounts of time with them. Maybe you're going out to dinner instead of like everyone being home and cooking and cramming.
You use that area like date night with your husband, go dinner and leave the kids with the grandparents.
Use them I think they're also there to see all of them.
I don't think you can abandon them, but you could all go out together to like make it a little bit easier.
But like I just think you do have to let them stay, Okay. I have questions though, frequency. I need to know the frequency. How often are they coming? Are they coming once a month? Is it once every two months? Is it once a week? Like, frequency is an important factor in this conversation. Secondly, and this is really a conversation around boundaries, and you hit it on the head when you set it. Sometimes we have to do things in life that we don't like. We can all set boundaries.
Boundaries impact our relationships in positive ways but also in negative ways. And in this instance, if you put the boundary in place that you don't want your in life is staying in your house for all the reasons that you've given, and some of them are personal reasons, like the fact that they have big personalities and you just find overwhelming when they're there because you don't really get along with them.
It's not an easy you know, it's not an easy space.
They probably don't realize that they probably quite adore spending time with you. Guys love seeing their grandchildren and probably have no self awareness as to how annoying they are. So I think that that boundary is going to come with a lot of consequences, and it's going to impact the relationship you have with them. They're going to be offended,
it's going to be drama. So's always going to be awkward, some drama with your husband because then he's got to try and manage the parents and blah blah blah.
But I think it's never not awkward to be on the receiving end of hey, like, we don't want you to stay like you're always it's always going to them feel weird, Like even if you're like cool, no worries, I get a hotel, they're going to talk about you. It's all going to cause the problem.
It also, then, on the flip side, hear me out, It also then means that every time they want to see their grandchildren or see you see their son, there's a monetary investment that's going to require them to do so it's going to cost them money to do so. Does that also mean that every time you want to travel to see them, that you need to pay because you're not going to stay at their house, Like, is that what they now expectation is? Like, I do think
it creates an unnecessary amount of stress. And I think it all comes down to frequency. Keep it to a frequency that you feel comfortable with where it's not overbearing and you can stomach one night, two nights, whatever it is a month. Yeah, And I think you know, if it's a if it's a case that you're put out one night at every you know, blue moon, it's not a big deal.
Like, I think we can.
All be adults and stuck that up for the greater good of like family and everything else.
Yeah, I think where I think the boundary is coming to play. You know, I don't want anyone to take what I said about like you do things you don't want to do.
You know, we know that this is very situational.
But obviously, if this was causing your kids discomfort or putting their routine out, or they're uncomfortable around your grandparents for whatever reason, that's when boundaries are absolutely fine. But I don't think the boundary here is because you've got a small unit. The dog pisses and it's too many big personalities. Every family has big personalities. The dog can stay in a kennel or with a friend, or the dog can stay outside. The family needs to continue to visit.
Yeah, I mean the real question here is I'm all for visits and catch ups, all for day visits and catch ups. But is it rude to tell them they can't stay at our place overnight? How do I word that nicely?
You can't?
You can.
You can once in a while say oh, actually we've got friends coming in the morning, like, so you know, sleeping over doesn't work for us on this occasion. But you can't blanket rule you can't stay at our house. There is no nice way that you can say that. That's going to go down. Well, good fucking lucky. Nana is going to be pissed, especially if she's got a big personality.
Good luck.
All right, Well, look that is it from ask guys. If you have any questions to ask on. Can't slide into the DMS.
If you disagree, if you agree, if you have any thoughts, feelings, emotions.
If you want to hear me talk about the standing up again.
An echo chamber. We just want the positive positivity.
Do We're not slide into the DMS and tell us how you really feel about all the things because we care deeply.
But just to spoiler, next week, we won't be talking about Laura's baby standing up.
I am going to just stay tuned for an update.
I've only got it in me once to let you repeat Storyteller one time.
I can't promise that I'm not going to make those mistakes again in the future.
I am will alert you to it. So tired like.
It's I'm beyond. I'm in a new category of tiredness. I'm literally words come out of my mouth and I don't know where they are. I can't wait, can't wait to.
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