Mastering Relationships and Personal Development

Claire, my wife, and I have been together for 14 years. We've been married for over 10 years. That's fairly rare at 35 years of age. Now, over the course of that journey, we've both outgrown each other multiple times and been very close to divorce. The reasons for going into a relationship in the first place Essentially don't carry through throughout the course of your adult life as you evolve, you become more mature, you build confidence and you get wiser and essentially other options and opportunities open up for you. At the same time, your values shift. How you prioritize and look at life is different to what it was two years ago, five years ago, 10 years ago. And I always remember in our relationship the most challenging times were when I was going through a period of serious personal and business growth. I call them seasons of change and there always used to be tension or chaos before. or after something massive had happened in my personal life or in my business. In my personal life where my values had shifted, in my business when I was about to do big projects, business is a huge value of mine. That's one of the reasons why you're following this podcast along with the personal growth lessons and also the same in Claire's world where Claire was going through shifts. Now the problem with a relationship is that when you outgrow each other, that you don't meet in the middle, reset, keep up, and create a new vision to move forward. And when you outgrow each other, you simply just go in separate directions. On the other hand, if you're busy and you're working to live, you can be like ships in the night. And when you're like ships in the night, there's a lot of things that go unheard and unsaid until everything blows up in your face. And essentially, The problem with thinking something and not saying it means that you're going to create and find outlets elsewhere, which essentially distract you and pull you away from actually the truth of building a real relationship. And the challenge sometimes when being with somebody is that when you're with the one, you worry about the many. And when you're with the many, you worry about the one. So this is a constant paradox that many of us have to battle. And I want to document in this podcast three very important lessons that have really allowed us to get the most out of our relationship, that have allowed us to continue to grow together, to be able to reset when values change, whenever we outgrow each other's visions, and to essentially just allow us to really have an exciting and stimulating relationship. And I'm going to expand on this in greater course. But what I am going to share with you should really help solidify your relationship, allow you to work towards a common goal, and essentially support, challenge, and essentially work with each other to win. So the first lesson is really simple. Share a vision. What is the vision for you and your partner? If you don't have a partner and you're listening to this, if you did have a partner, what vision would you want to share? And that vision needs to revolve around the currencies that I brought up on the very first episode. of life on your terms. Number one is identity. How you see yourself and how you see the world. How do you guys want to be seen? What mission are you on? What money do you want to attract and hold? What does your health look like? What does your family look like? What is your social relationships and social circle and friend groups look like? And what level of freedom do you have? Those are very good points to work around. So write those down, get clear on them, and sit with your partner and express, what do we want in these areas? And as I've shared before, build a list of wants, not a list of needs. Wants force you to think bigger. Wants don't need justified. Wants essentially inspire you to become a bigger, bolder, better character. Needs are easy. Wants are commitments. Number two, don't be afraid of conflict. You know, one of the reasons why conflict occurs is because you don't communicate. You don't share a vision. When you share a vision, you can put up with it day to day. When you don't share a vision, everything becomes transactional. And a transactional relationship is not fun. The best way to build awareness is that when you do have conflict, see why somebody else is annoyed. Even if you can't understand it, They must be annoyed for some reason. The best way to build awareness is to understand other people's perspectives and points of view and build them into your own. Get clear in your point of view and your stance and get clear on their view of the world. And when you meet someone. You are not just meeting them. When you meet someone, you are meeting their chaos, their trauma, how they were raised, the culture, the rejection, and everything else they've experienced and labeled whether correctly or incorrectly in their life. So if you're with somebody in a relationship that always gets worried, if you're in a relationship with somebody that has a big fear around money, if you're in a relationship with somebody that struggles to commit, These are all a result of previous experiences that haven't been transcended, that haven't been loved, where meaning hasn't been found and they haven't solved them. And their inner child or inner teen is still calling the shots in their life. And you are dealing with that. So don't be afraid of conflict. Build awareness, find out their perspective, their understanding of the world, their modus operandi. One of the best things that you can do as a couple is write down your modus operandi. Here's what I like, here's what I don't like. Communicate it. It will change every year. I like order, structure. I like to know what's going on the day ahead. I like cleanliness. I like straight talk. I like speed. I like execution. and I like to be around people that support my values. The third is strong cadence. Cadence is communication. You need to have a frequent communication rhythm with each other. Claire and I are renowned for having a mastermind every single week. While you may laugh at that, while others may laugh at that, it is one thing that has allowed us to operate and build our empire. And I want to share what we do every single week. We sit down on either a Saturday or a Sunday morning, and we share aspects of our life. And we ask ourselves challenging questions that essentially get us clear on where our heads are at, what we're thinking, but not saying, if we didn't have this meeting. Keep that in mind. What are you thinking in your relationship that you're not saying? That's your truth. I met Jordan Peterson last month. I went to go and see him in Belfast. And I was fortunate enough to be able to have a VIP pass where I got to meet him afterwards and essentially sit with him. And it was really interesting. He was asked a question around young man getting involved in paramilitary activity in Northern Ireland. As you know, I'm from Belfast. And he said, somebody asked a question and they said, what would you advise young man who are being coaxed into gangs and paramilitary activities, what would you encourage them? And he said, the reason why they get bought into that in the first place is because it's exciting. It's more exciting than their current reality. But he said, you know what's gonna completely overrule that? Is looking at your life and telling the fucking truth. Wow, like just think about that. If you look at your life right now, What are you actually thinking but not saying to the people around you, especially your loved one or your partner? If you want to go on a real adventure, tell the truth. Think about the power of those words. From the minute this podcast ends, if you were to communicate your truth, your life would be very different. If you keep going along with what you're tolerating, if you keep going along with a fake outlook on your life or pretending to be something that you're not, or telling lies, you're going to ruin your confidence. You're going to ruin your confidence. You know, telling lies is easy. Telling the truth is difficult. And we have a mastermind every single week. either Saturday or Sunday morning. And it goes something along the lines of this. These are the questions that we use. What are the top three wins that we've had this week? What are the top three challenges and the big lessons from each challenge? Do I need to apologize for anything? I always have to apologize for something. What is the main focus for next week? Where do you need my help? And what are we doing for fun next week? Those are very simple questions that we use to really stay on top of our relationship. Very few people do this, but I can rest assure you it is life-changing. So here's what I want to close with. The challenges in your relationship that you're facing right now, the challenges in your life, are designed to transform you into the human you're meant to be. If you don't know what your challenges are, focus on telling the truth from this moment onward. Hey, I really hope this podcast has taught you something that you never knew before. I really want to challenge your thinking and expand what you believe is possible for you and your life. And I would really love your feedback. If you're on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube, it would really mean the world to me if you could just go and leave a review, click like, and a comment around what you love about this podcast. This gives me the feedback to know that I'm doing a good job, and it also gives me the credibility to go to the best in the industry, in entrepreneurship, personal growth, finance, and just pure life wisdom, to dissect their thinking and share the lessons with you. If you like my style, how I talk and how I dissect things and how I think, then this channel is going to be a valuable resource in helping you live life on your terms. And I want to make sure that it's the best possible material that you can put in between your two ears every single day. It would really mean the world to me. Now, let's get back to the episode.