Learning How to Say NO

looks like a facial glow. It really doesn't it does. Well, thank you, Yes, yeah, we are back and we are ready to go. Right, I'm well fired up. It's a Monday morning when we're recording this, so it's like week reset, ready to go. Well, I was looking forward to talking to you because we didn't get to see each other at the end of last week, which was when I got the virus from my son, who we now affectionately called the germs after the germ he got us so

sick in the entire family. Did you put him in some type of suit? We would have put them in a bubble if we could have, but there's like you know, child protection and stuff like. No, we were all just so sick and laid up over the weekend. But um, I was thinking about all of the things that I have on my plate, and I was saying to myself, like I had to give up going to Fiesta Latino, which we normally together. Yes, yeah, And um, I said to my husband about this, there's a reason why I'm

not meant to be there. There's always a reason why you believe that. I believe that I do. And and normally I would be the type of person that would say like no, I would force it. I would have to get there. I would. Now, I think later on in my life now that I feel like I'm a little bit more settled and I didn't think a little more confident. I feel comfortable with saying I can't do that. And that's huge because people tend to overextend themselves and

some of us are people pleasers, including me. It's like I want to I want to say yes to everything. I want to make everyone happy. But then I kind of came to the conclusion that I'm like gold On, I can't do it. All these people have no problems which shut I meet down. But seven, I'm serving a whole bunch of people for things that serve no purpose in my life. But is it difference between work and home? Because I'll tell you one thing. My mother bless her heart. I love my mom. She is one of my very

best She is my best friend. But I can't say no to my mom, really no, I can't. She just so my dad is having a surprise seventy fifth birthday party. And my mom's like, Ahama, And I'm like, okay, so what does this mean? This means I have to do everything? Of course, She's like, oh, it's just gonna be a little dinner. I'm like a little dinner and she's like yeah, but um necessity, Loma said in lard or no lancho. I don't even know where this thing is. And she's

like giving me all the details. And I said to her, I'm like, well, Mom, like, what do you want me to do? Now? I have this on my plan. Now you have to now I now I have to go to Fiesta Latina. I have to party plan for my dad's seventy fifth birthday. I have to party plan for my brother's fiftieth birthday because my sister in law put that on my plate. I had to buy a gift for my mom and dad, which I can't say it right now because it's a huge surprise. I'm the youngest

of six. Everybody put that on me now. It's crazy. It is crazy. And that's the one thing I think. As women, it is so difficult to say no. It's terribly difficult. Especially sometimes we feel like if you say no, it's a sign of weakness. It's like, can you help me with this? And no, Um, she must be really overwhelmed that she really can't help me. But it's like, no,

I don't want to. That's not something that I'm interested in or am I going to I'm going to benefit from it, And it's been really hard for me to do that. I've been kind of like a people pleaser when it comes to work and when it comes to my family life. It's like I say yes to every invitation. I say yes to weddings that are abroad, and lately I've been you know, just scaling back and be like, honey, how is this going to help you? How does this

benefit you? And if it doesn't, please feel free to say no. But don't you think that people sometimes will interpret that as um selfishness. Yeah, but you're saying no because it doesn't because to them it's not benefiting them. Then you're a selfish person. Yeah, but you're trying to use me. You're you're started this selfish ship. You're the one that kicked off. So it's like, yeah, you want

to use me, and I'm not gonna let you. Well, I just I think that, as I said before, as I've gotten you know, I think a little bit more experience and um, as I've gone on in life, it's been easier for me to say no. But not in my personal life, not in your family life is really difficult. And I think that's kind of like I don't even know if I want to call it the Latina guilt

or if it's like your family guilt. But I just feel like I have to be there for my family, for the people who have been there for me, even if it does make me have like a nervous breakdown, or you know, even if I feel like I have like the world crashing in on me. But I feel like it's um, it's incredibly difficult to say no to the people who matter to me. And not that the people who I work with don't matter, but it's just easier for me to say no to them. Can I

say this um? For me, it's gotten to the point that I don't say no to the people that matter to me and my family because I never want them to feel like I am removed, or I feel like I'm better than in them, or I feel like I'm more successful than them just because we're on the radio and just because I'm a media personality. So it's just like, Okay, we want to go have mo Fongle in Queens on a Tuesday, and all your cousins are gonna be there.

I'm going to make it a point to go, because I never want to be viewed in the family as like you think you're better than us, but I don't have the time. But meanwhile, you're expected to be at a book signing for one of your friends, or you are the work responsibility that you have to be, but you try to make it all happen. And this is

something that I've been discussing with my girlfriends. You know, I think that when you're younger, you have this opinion or you have this idea that if you say no that's the last time they're ever going to ask me, or that's the last chance I'll ever get. Don't feel that way. Don't feel that way, But there are people that are like that. I do hear people behind the scenes that are like such. Anything ever again, because women can be patty, even towards the women that they love,

I see. I think that's so unfair, though, you know, I mean it is unfair, and I know I can't say that I haven't done it myself, but I think that we don't give each other enough of a break,

or you don't put yourself in somebody else's shoes. And when you visually see how someone moves and they have a home and they have children, and they have a husband, and they have a job, you, as someone in their inner circle, it's your responsibility to be more understanding and to if I say, no, I had a really long day and then I had to go home and I had to cook for my husband and I had to clean my home. No, I cannot come out now for drinks because I'm physically drained. I can't do it. So

it's it's like a give and take. It's like your your close ones have to understand and you have to be able to say no, yeah, but you also I feel like you have that responsibility to follow through too. On the flip side, you can't just be saying no, no, no all the time and expect people to still extend those invitations or just be as receptive to it. You know,

within me, it's like, give me time. If you would tell me six months in advance, listen, this is my baby shower, I would make sure that I don't book any appearances. I'll make sure I don't. I don't say I'm going to come to work and edit some audio, like I'll make sure I give you that date. But a lot of people don't. A lot of people like, hey, Friday, do you want to meet up for drinks? I'm in town. It's like, can I screenshot you my Friday? Can exactly?

Do you want to see what my Friday looks like? Because you don't, like, you do not want to see it. So there's this great article and it talked about how entrepreneurs they the one word that they have learned how to say is the word no, and it's made them more successful. And I thought, thinking back to when I was in my twenties, I didn't say no to anything. I did not say no to anything, and it was because I had that mentality if I say no, I'll

never get invited back. If I say no, they'll have another girl come and do what I do, because there's you know, a million other girls that want to be on the radio or want to be on TV. And so I really drove myself into this kind of rut of never saying no. But when you don't say no, you don't give yourself time to grow. Hold on I'm gonna pause on that for a second, because seriously, if you don't say no, you don't get to cultivate that talent.

You don't get to sit with who you are, your thoughts, you don't get to expand so you're just going, going, going, You're like a jack of all trades, master of none. And that's really how I feel like I lived my twenties a lot of that time because I was just trying to beat everything, do everything, be everywhere, and then it stopped, you know, and you took control of your life. It was just like, Okay, this is what I'm gonna do in this but I'm not. I'm still kind of

like in the middle. You know. It's like I came into my job in radio and in media, you know, recently, like the past five years, and at the beginning, I was just doing everything anything. I was working forty fifty sixty hours whatever you guys needed me to work. I which is so grateful that I even got into the industry. That's the problem that I was just like, oh no, I'm never saying no, what if I get fired, what if they realized like maybe she shouldn't even be here.

And for the past few years I have been saying yes to everything. I'm still not where you are, but I aspire to be, I know, I really do. Yeah, I think that we're in two different and that's the reason why I love doing this podcast with you is because you know, you're in a different phase of your

career than I am, you know. And it's not that I don't love where I am, but it's just your I'm seeing you come up on things that I experienced early on in my career, and I'm seeing you do them with such grace and such you know, poise, And there were there was nobody back in the day when I was coming up that I could even ask, like, am I supposed to keep on doing these TV appearances for free, like what do I do? You know? Unluckily I do have that, like I do have that with you.

I do have that. I can go to Charlotte Maagne, I can ask I can even ask people like how much should I charge for a tweets? So it's like I'm super grateful for that. I'm not even gonna lie to you because if I didn't have all these people to ask, like, hey, should I be getting paid for like disappearance? And they're like absolutely yes, you know under union rules. And I can only imagine not having anybody to ask all these questions. I didn't I and as a woman, I think it's harder to say no. And

it took my husband. See my mentor honestly was they've all been men. The two eyes that I learned radio from the Baker Boys. I always was I was able to go to them for any type of advice. I knew that they would always look out for me and tell me like not what I wanted to hear about, what the truth was. And my husband, who's a financial planner, I would go to him because he was all I had.

You know, my girlfriends don't work in this industry. My girlfriends don't understand the pressure or you know, if I say no to going to this one TV show, is that producer going to talk to another producer and then now I'm blocked from every TV show. And so my husband was really the one that said, you know what, Curly, and he's like, say no, tell them my time is worth something. I need to get paid or you're going to pay for a car and you're gonna because I was paid for my own car to get to these

places and kids because I was just so hungry. You were so hungry and I know it, and I didn't want to lose the opportunity. So there's a big difference between saying no and being diva about it, or saying no and knowing your worth. And this is the thing, is like, if these people are making money, you should also be making money. It's like I say no a lot when people invite me to do club appearances. Club appearances, They're like, oh, come and I will set you up

in a table. I'm like, yeah, but you're making a whole lot of money. Why am I making a bottle? I can buy a bottle at the liquor store and drinking with my husband under the blankets. So now my position is like, don't say yes to anything that benefits someone else and doesn't benefit you, And that's usually a good gauge of how you can say no to work related things. Family is different. You know, family, they're gonna Family is always gonna guilt you into something. Everybody needs something,

you know, like make me a sun coach. You have to work on a Tuesday. Sure it takes eight hours, but I'll make it for you. We'll eat it at two am. Family is different, but with work, that's how I gauge things. It's like, before I make a decision on saying yes or now, how does this benefit me? Does it benefit them and not me? Does it benefit us equally? It's like, unless it's charity work, please don't ask me to work for free if you're getting paid.

And that's a super easy way to gauge things. Especially as women, we tend to like give away our free time and stay later. It's like, yeah, you want me to come to this appearance, but there's no transportation. Okay, I'll take the train in heels and address no problem. And then you get there and people are pulling up in trucks because they demanded service. Exactly. I was on the freaking bus from Hoboken to Port Authority, Port Authority to a cab and then I'm like, wait a minute,

how am I fifty bucks out? Now? You know, going to a TV appearance over at X network and you're getting me for free and I'm not getting paid anything. And yeah, people are like, oh wow, I recognize you from that show. And I'm like, yeah, but I didn't get paid a dime. I lost money, yes, exactly. And I understand like when you're when you're getting started, you're going to take all these opportunities You're You're just grateful to be on TV. It's like you want me to

pay you for me to be on TV? Part though, honey, isn't it a hard part? It is super hard? And it's like I'm there now. But I'm kind of like coming to the realization that it's just like, Okay, you he year, you're established, you're talented, you're hired. To stop stressing. Stop thinking that this can to be taken away from you at any moment, or that if you don't comply or say yes to every single thing, your career is going to be over like it was. It doesn't happen.

That doesn't happen that way. But you're very fearful at the beginning. It's like you don't want to say no to big bosses, you don't want to say no to opportunities, and then what happens is you end up burning yourself out. Yeah, you know, it's so true. And you know, I think it's so funny that Honey still gets asked to go to clubs. I don't nobody asked me to go to anything. I get asked to go to a kids club. That's

pretty much it. I don't know. I don't do appearances anymore because it's just so difficult for me to manage that in my family schedule. Like I always tell people from six to ten am, I'm on the air. After that I turned into like I am a full time stay at home mom after that, you know, and I have to find a way to juggle whatever my responsibilities are for the station and you know, my career. But

my kids converse, so they do they do it. It also allow of moms and a lot of women, even though you're not in media, your jobs will pull you in different directions. They will ask you to work over time. How do you tell your boss you don't want to stay more than eight hours at your job because you have a life afterwards. Yeah. No, you know it's so funny too, because I have this really amazing group of

mom friends that I made, like on Long Island. I didn't know anybody when I moved out there, and so I had to kind of like form my own little community. I would want to be your friend. Where the bad moms? Where where the cane? You got to tell me? It was so funny. Lauren, my one friend, she forgot what time her daughter's Halloween parade was. No, he was so sad. She showed up, literally, she was like the last person. She saw them all like marching back. She pushed her

and she was like, wait a minute, I missed. She missed missed it so that she had to like tell her daughter, Oh, mommy was in the back. I saw everything. And then she felt so guilty. But that's the thing, is like you're being pulled in eighteen different directions. She doesn't work in media, you know, she's she she has her own company, and it's like, how do you managed to tell your daughter you didn't see her on Halloween?

You know, it's like all of these things that you have to kind of like come up with to just make it happen. So it isn't just people like us that work, you know, in television and radio. It's the moms that work as nurses. It's the moms that go to their jobs as you know, executive assistance. And you know, you get all of these responsibilities just like handed to you. How do you manage that? And I think it's like you have to try to finesse your way out of

a lot of like sticky situations. Yeah. Especially you can have a boss, you know at Let's say my friend she works at an optical and she works every single day and she works to like seven pm, and she has kids, and I tell her sometimes when she's like I have to go in tomorrow. Somebody called out, like

why didn't you say no? Yeah? Yeah, but she's like I can't, you know, and I'm like say no. You know, I think that if there's anything to to like kind of leave people with like a note of um perhaps confidence, you know, it's saying no one time might be the thing that you need to set yourself apart. Yeah, and it might be you you set a boundary and you bolso already knows no, she has kids, or she has to go to school, or I can do it this one time, but please, I'm so sorry on Saturday's my daughter,

my son, my you know whatever. My nephew has soccer and I'm I've committed to help him this season. You know. It's like letting people know. And I think in certain terms too. I mean, you always have to do it like we've said, you know, with um, you know, with with grace and you know, just tell them, just be like, look, I really want to help you out of a jam, but um, after this, I really can't do this, you know.

And then that exactly exactly. So I feel like saying no to my boss has gotten slightly easier for me as the years have gone on, only because I think he's starting to understand who I am outside of here. So that's the things that are important to you. You know. It's like I love my job, I love being here, but I love my kids, I love my husband, I love my home. Is it okay if I go put

my tree up? Like these also are very important things in life memory and if you never verse say no, you're not gonna have these these pockets of times to create, you know, amazing memories with your family. I just think it's so funny how we're sitting here and we're talking about how you know you've got to say no to this person, you have to say no to that person. Do you ever say no to your husband? I try, but listen, he'll wear me down. He won't stop. He's relentless.

I'm not even gonna I'm not even gonna lie to you. He'll be like, um, can we go. Let's say to this car show. I'll be like, I don't want to go to that. So you're really not gonna go to the car show? No, I told you I'm not going to go to that, all right, So I guess I'm gonna go to this car show alone. Okay, what time is the car show? I'm wearing sneakers. Don't expect me to be sexy or don't expect me cute wearing a hoodie. I'm wearing sneakers and I'll go with you later on.

She looks adorable and she got her sneakers on Instagram photo. Okay, everybody, you already it's hard to say no to my husband. And why because he lives with me. He's relentless and um, he just won't back off. Like at work, people will be like, okay, not a problem. This man will like wake up like yeah, so today is a car show. What are we doing. I'm like, okay, let's just do it. Let's just do it. And this is the thing that is so interesting about Honey and I is that like

we are just completely the opposite. It's like we're living parallel lives that they're so opposite. Because it's like I can never say no to my husband because he asked for so little. Mark. No, I'm telling you, Mark is the most. He's an only child. Okay, so let me just set that up, okay, because it's not he is an only child. He's super independent. He is self sufficient.

I don't do his laundry. I don't make his meals like I mean, I make dinner every night, you know, but like he'll eat, I'll go over like you know, like my mom will always say, like go over, make him his plate, and he'll say, no, I got it. You know. He's just super independent. So I know that when Mark asked me for something, it's important. So he

saves his requests. So in January. I can't even I'm telling you, in January, we're going to the Monster Truck Show with our kids, something I swore I would never do. I said exactly, and he know, he was like, um, babe, so can we go to this one show? And I'm like what show? I'm like thinking to myself, like who, what show do you want to go to? You didn't ask me, and he's like, I really think it would be great for the boys. I'm like, what are you

talking about. I'm thinking myself Disney on Ice, like you know what is it. It's the Monster Truck Rally Show or something. And I said, dude, you're out of your mind. And he's like, there's these four great tickets are right up front. I go, oh, perfect, you've already Oh yeah, no, So we're going to the Monster Truck Show in January, which I will let you guys all know about. So CARDI would say footages for everybody. And this just goes to show you that I cannot say no no. My

husband is relentless. Bro. We'll be laying in the like, can you give me juice? I'm like I'll be like no, I'm not getting up. Please no, please, no, please, okay, please, let me just go get the juice. Let me just go get the jews. We have a weird dynamic. He wears me down. Yeah, but I think that that's the thing. It's like when you're in a relationship with somebody and you truly do care about them, you make it work for it a little bit, and then after you're like,

all right, I got you. All right, fine, I'll get you a piece of chocolate. I am not going down to the second floor um Deli. We have in our building though, that is that is where that's where you draw the line exactly. Well. You know, we want you guys to tell us about the last time you've had to say no or what makes it difficult for you to say no, So definitely email us. We have an email address. It's Life and Spanglish podcast at gmail dot com.

And then, um, honey, you have the socials because you're like the social girl. Yes, you can follow us. We have um l I Spanglish on Twitter and Instagram and we also have a Facebook so you can go like us. That's um Life and Spanglish and let's stay connected. Lest be friends and let us know what you guys want us to talk about for sure, definitely, I want to. You know, it's interesting that we talked about this this week because I realized that last week it was Latina

Equal Pay Day. When I missed it, I saw everybody was together, like Rosario Dawson's Rodriguez. I was like, I want to be their friend, and I want that unapologetically Latina t shirt, and I want to be wherever they are. You know what I You know, it's really quickly before we go. I know we have to wrap. But um, I was so disappointed in reading some of the comments that people were saying, because people like Rosario Dawson and jesscal but they're like your millionaires, would you know about

equal pay? You know? You know what I care about is that they're using their voice and their influence for those of us who don't have it. So celebrate that, Celebrate your fellow Latina's, celebrate each other just as women period, you know. I mean, I think that that's the importance of this podcast, is that, yeah, honey and I might be in two different life stages and we were both Latina's,

but we're from different places. But in the end, we're just women trying to like navigate this thing, you know, and trying to make positivity and trying to give a face, you know, to our tribe, which is what they're doing,

and I respect them. You know what it is. Social media just laws negativity, and it's like, yeah, okay, they don't understand what it might be like working at a law firm, you know, upstate New York, but they do understand what being a Latina is and what wanting to get paid equally as their male counterparts is, whether it be one million or whether it be sixty. And they're leading the way and so are we. Yes, let's do this. So make sure you guys tune in. We're going to

be doing this every single week. Yeah, tune in. Next week. We'll be talking about other stuff that we think is important for you guys to know, or we'll just sit here and bus I mean, you never know what. That's always fabulous