Vulnerability

So a lot of times that we'll just hold those emotions in and we'll , but we'll still get up day , day in , day out and do what needs to be done . And a lot of times you know a lot of men , you know we show . We show our love and appreciation through our actions , not not through our words .

That's why you wanted to drive . So that's what I'm checking up to . Anyway , it was really fun to see family and again , happy birthday to my mother-in-law .

This is , this is , this is my yeah , my dad's mom , where she says this is um . What does she tell you when she , when we're at Starbucks ?

And the lady just thought it was so funny and I was like she always introduces him to some sort of like that I don't know why , um , but yeah , so it was a really fun week . We got to hang out , much needed time , good food , great conversation . Shots out to my brother-in-law , shawn , for that fried catfish Cause it was fire and then goddamn potatoes .

It can be really challenging in a lot of people's relationships .

It can be challenging just as a human being , and that is um being vulnerable , vulnerability , um , I think vulnerability is one of those things , uh , really , where you're trying to let everything , all your guards down , to kind of show all the raw layers of who you are as a person , and that can be very scary , even when you're in a marriage .

Um , vulnerability does not come easy for anyone , I would imagine , um , because no one wants to feel exposed , no one wants to feel um vulnerable and open themselves up to not so pleasant reactions or things like that . So I think , uh , vulnerability , as important as it is , it is something that is also extremely challenging with

most people . So I just wanted to start off , just so that we have the basis for what exactly vulnerability is . So the definition of vulnerability is the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed , either physically or emotionally . And today we're going to discuss more about the ?

Um , emotional vulnerability and how difficult that can be in relationships , but also how , uh , working toward being more emotionally vulnerable with your partner can really propel your relationship and really move the relationship forward , because I I , I personally feel without it , it's kind of the relationship can be stagnant .

Like , how are you moving forward if you're not being vulnerable , if you're not being open , if you're not showing raw emotion ? Um , and I and I feel like there comes a point in every relationship where you're going to have to be vulnerable at some point , right , so I don't know if you have to be , you choose to be .

Um , no , I think you're going to have to be Okay , because tell me why you should . Tell me why you wouldn't have to be vulnerable . I'm curious now .

It's not going to not being vulnerable when , when , when I'm a little . It's not going to prevent you from growing in a , in a marriage or in a relationship , but being vulnerable will just help you grow even even more .

Like , you are mine , I am yours , you know we're going to build life together .

Don't do you not think that , in order for us to like , overcome challenges , in order for us to work through certain situations and work out things , us being vulnerable with our feelings and our emotions , you know , which also is behind the cause of some of our actions , is not viable to us moving forward and propelling the relationship or working through an

uncomfortable situation . Like , when you think about your actions and how you behave and interact with your significant other or with your partner , there's always some level of like , there's always some level of ego , there's always some level of well , where this , where is this coming from ?

It's , if it's defensiveness , you know , if it's like shutting , shutting down or shutting off it's because you're somewhat trying to guard yourself from something . So if you let that guard down , you become vulnerable .

It opens up the conversation to you to possibly have more and better communication so that you can work through and work out whatever it is you're experiencing . So for , for my perspective , I would think , thinking that way and thinking on the terms of long term , like you know , life commitment , that would be that's absolutely viable to moving forward .

No , do you not feel that way ?

But I don't necessarily think , because a lot of times now I can't speak for women , but a lot of time it , as men , like it's hard for us to be vulnerable , but it's just because we're , just because we're not vulnerable for you or tour you , doesn't mean that we're not there for you .

So a lot of times that we'll just hold those emotions in and we'll still get up they day and day , I will do it what needs to be done . And a lot of times you know a lot of men , you know we show , we show our love and appreciation through our actions , not not through our words .

So that's why I say being vulnerable in some cases for men is not necessarily the same our Vivalry because , as like I said , I mean we show our love and we show our emotions through our acts , not do our words .

I think what I'm trying to say is you know , yes , you can show your love through your actions and you can show it through the things that you do , but eventually , like the emotional toll that you know it's , it's known that , emotionally , men are not looked at as like Needing , needing to be like coddled or anything like that .

Like you know , you are intended to me . We don't like to be exactly exactly so yes , it doesn't mean it doesn't mean you don't like to be coddled , right , because eventually that takes an emotional toll where you have to where you , where you're holding in all your emotion . You're not being vulnerable , because you are just .

You know you're just going through , going through , going through , taking care of business , holding down the home . For , like , you're doing all of these things , when do you let loose ? When do you get in front of your partner ? You know which is supposed to be yours , hold on , which is supposed to be your safe space .

You're safe , haven't , and you just take off all the armor . Okay , like you have to be able to take off the armor .

It's gonna take a long time for him to then feel comfortable again , to really open up to you . Like I'm not gonna open up to you , and then you dissect what I , what I say for your benefit . Are you try to like , not like , not validate my feelings ?

But that's another thing that I think we struggle with as men , because a lot of times how you feel , when you tell that to your partner , it may be the sense where she tries to invalidate your feelings and she goes well , you know it's . You say one thing , she says it's another .

So that's why I say , like a lot of men don't feel like they have a safe space , but like I've like I've told you before , like a lot of times I don't always tell you what I'm caring , but I've told you before like I've won some money , I just cry , I just , I literally just I get to myself , I get alone and I just bought my , I bought my eyes out ,

I let it all come out and that that good , it's like , it's like my it's , like it's my process . I bought my eyes out , I get a good 10 , 15 minute cry and then I Wipe my face off and I go right back to work like that's , that's just , that's my process , you know .

Now I will say that at the stage we are now in our relationship , I have been More open with you . I have I felt , I felt like it's been a safe place for me to open you because you haven't really been no judging my opinions , on my thoughts , and I can actually be open and honest with you .

But I know I have , I know people who don't have the same situation I have and I and I and the situation they're in . I can recognize that and I can , I can , I Can see how they feel that way , because I once felt that way before , like before .

We , you know , went through the whole journey of us trying to be as close as possible and be honest with each other . And you know , like you , we said on the last pot or copos , go with the whole throwing dagger thing .

It was like I'm not gonna be , I'm not gonna be vulnerable with you because I know in the right , at the right situation comes up , you're gonna flip this around , it's gonna be a dagger . You know so .

Like I know that it's different for both men and women , but for men that's what I'm saying , what I just said like that that's a lot of ways why men , how men look at it and it's not . Also , it's not always like oh , I'm a man , I can't show emotion , I can't show feelings .

No , like as a man , like I believe as a man , we would want to be soft and gentle with our lady , like because we have to be hard out in the world . So when we come home , we don't want to have to be hard when we're home .

I come home , I should be , I should be able to be Comfortable in myself and in my skin and in my emotions and my feelings , and I should have to constantly be in a protective mode of protecting myself .

No , because I'm already in protective mode of protecting my family 24-7 , but when I walk in my home and I'm at home , I should be able to let my guards down personally , yeah , and that's not , and that's not the case for everybody , which is , which is unfortunate because , like I I me personally I think that vulnerability is important because it should bring you

closer .

You're carrying all that armor every day and when you come home , when we're having a moment to ourselves or we're in our bubble that's what we like to call it when we're just like alone and it's just this bubble time we love bubble time you should be able to take that armor off .

You should be able to feel comfortable enough to drop the weight of the world , even if it's just for five minutes , ten minutes and just say you know , like , babe , I'm having it rough . You know like I'm not , I'm not good here , I'm not good there . You know like I just , I'm just not feeling the best right now , or whatever the emotion is .

It cannot even be anything like bad . It could be something just like really good and you want to share that with your partner . But I would think that you would want to create a space for your partner . That is something that you can do , partner that is safe and that's Inviting in a way that it makes them feel inspired to be vulnerable .

I think that's that that's the biggest thing . You want to feel inspired to be vulnerable Like you're the person that I want to shed everything for that I feel Safe enough that I'm not going to be judged and that you're not going to manipulate the situation and that you're not going to Take my words and turn them around . I know like for me there's some like .

What do I always say to you ? I always say you're , your emotions and your feelings are valid because they are your emotions and your feelings right . Do I not always tell you that ?

My role is to create a space for you that you can come to me , we can have an intimate moment , you can drop the weight and the armor . And for you to be vulnerable enough to say Today , today was hard . Or for you to be vulnerable enough to say I'm not here . All you know , I'm not all here . Mentally I don't have it all together .

I know I try to make it seem like I have it all together when I step out into the world , but , babe , like I'm drowning , I'm not .

You know what I'm saying and I want you to feel comfortable enough to be able to come to me and Say those things in a safe space , without you feeling like your emotions are gonna be manipulated or you feeling like I'm gonna bring it up in a later conversation and throw it back at you , because I feel like that goes both ways for men and women .

No one wants their their emotions weaponized or manipulated in that way , right , right . So that's why I say it your emotions are valid Because they are yours . It doesn't matter if I , if I think you're making sense or not , because Chances are . I'm gonna be like I don't see the same thing . You see , I don't feel the same way . You feel , like you know .

But if I just say that every time you come to me when you're having a vulnerable moment , then it's gonna seem like I'm not validating your feelings , right , and it's gonna feel like , well , what's the point ? Like this doesn't feel Safe or it doesn't feel like I'm getting .

What I feel like I need right now is just to feel okay , like sometimes it's just a hug , sometimes I don't need you to respond , you know .

And I feel like that goes the same for both men and women , because I've had situations where I've come to you , right , and I'm trying to be vulnerable and I will say I will literally have to say to him I don't need a response , I Just need you to listen and I just need you to hold me , that's it .

And even if I tell him I just need you to listen , even if I don't say I just need you to hold me , he automatically goes into like , okay , well , let me just hold it like . This isn't a situation for you to feel like my words are an attack on you . This isn't a situation for you to Give me advice .

It's just I just need it's almost like a diary or a journal . Instead of diary or journaling you are my journal and I just need to be vulnerable with you in a way that I'm saying my words on a piece of paper and the paper is not gonna judge me . The paper is not gonna use my words against me . You are , you are my paper right now .

You know what I'm saying . You're my . You're my book of secrets , my book of vulnerability . So I think you know . In that sense , that's why vulnerability is is so important , because it should be bringing you closer . I think it's essential for problem-solving In the sense that you know when something comes up , like I said before , there is ego involved .

When you're in a discussion or a disagreement with your partner , with your husband or your wife , there's some level of ego . That's always involved , right ? If we all could argue in a sense where it was rational , then I'm pretty sure the divorce rate would be a little bit lower than what it is , but that's that's not the case , you know .

So when I talk about being essential to problem-solving , I'm more thinking about the actions , right ? So somebody who tends to shut down or somebody who tends to walk away , it's what ? What is it about the situation that is causing the action ?

Right , because if you , if we both just set down , bared it all during the argument and say I'm getting defensive Because I'm feeling this way , I'm feeling inadequate , I'm feeling like I'm failing you , I'm feeling like you know what I mean , like if we really got wrong .

So we're not gonna bear it all , yeah , all the time . But sometimes we can look at at you guys and bite what you're .

You are now quit and then this moment you are You're , you're you're feeling , you're feeling to me , my expectations of you , yeah , right , and that's me being vulnerable and telling you that in the issue and in that , in that , in that instance , but we know for a fact , nine times out of ten , the response that's gonna come back to us it's not gonna be one

that's favorable to us . It's gonna be a defensive result of response . You know I'm saying so . You're not , you have that .

That's why you have to make sure that you know both parties are in the proper headspace to do something like that , because I know for a fact , if I was to tell you , hey , babe , you're not meeting my standards , nine times out of 10 , you look at me like what the hell are you talking about ? Like what standards am I not meeting .

That's gonna be your first question . And then the question is gonna have attitude behind it . And then if I lift off A , b , c and D and you don't agree with it , then you're gonna come back . And now we're in a full blown argument . Hold on , hold on , hold on .

Now we're in a full blown argument and now it's gonna lead to you're gonna say your piece and you're gonna say well , I guess I just have to be a better , whatever . I guess that's what it's gonna lead to .

Hold on , okay , you don't read the room , okay . So if we're using your example about saying you know you're not meeting expectations , that's not something that you just off right randomly say , that's not something you just be like you know you passing by in the hallway and be like you know what , babe , you're not meeting expectations .

And you like being you , you always say something to the effect of I don't want you to take it personal or I don't want you to get defensive , but this is just what I'm feeling right now , or this is just what I've been observing , or this is what I'm telling you I need right . We like that's usually how that goes , and then we go into the conversation

. So , if you came to me and you said , babe , we need to talk , okay , my brain , let's switch it on . Is this something that's gonna be important he needs to talk about ? Get off his chest , whatever . I would be lying to say if you came to me and said oh , babe , I feel like you're not meeting my expectations .

Of course , like , immediately in my head , I'm gonna be like okay , what could I possibly be dropping the ball in ? Not to say that I'm not dropping the ball , but now I'm just thinking okay , my gosh , what could I possibly be dropping the ball in ? Let me let him finish . And then you go into it with a level of compassion and care .

You're not just going off the handles and saying like , oh , you're inadequate here , you're not doing this , you're not doing that . You're going to be conscious about having some sort of compassion when expressing the way you're feeling about something or when you're expressing a need . Okay , hold on .

In the heat of an argument or in the heat of the moment where temperatures are running high , attitudes are running high , that's probably not the time to say something like that , because your partner's not going to be able to hear it .

The point in making or the point in saying these things is to inflict some type of action and change so that the behavior can change right . So you need to make sure that the atmosphere , I guess you could say , is right , because you want to be heard .

Everybody wants to be heard , especially if I'm going to be vulnerable with you and I'm going to be vulnerable to the capacity of which I'm going to express how I'm feeling . Right , because a vulnerability for me is not necessarily telling you what you're not doing . Vulnerability is talking about how I'm feeling , my emotional temperature right .

So for me , I wouldn't even constitute that conversation as necessarily being vulnerable , because the vulnerability has to do with me , the individual . It has to do with me letting down my guard .

It has to do with me coming to you in a state that is raw , in a state that is emotionally raw , and feeling like I need some place of solace , some place of comfort , some place of compassion , some place of clarity . And I'm coming to you as my partner , my safe space , my human journal where I can lay bare my emotions , right .

So if you're going to be vulnerable during the state of heightened emotions , let's just say , like a disagreement or an argument , and you scream out and you're just like . I'm reacting this way , or I'm shutting down , or I'm walking away , or I'm closed .

I'm being closed off or standoffish with you because I'm feeling inadequate , I'm feeling like a failure , I'm feeling like I'm not holding up on my end of the bargain , right , as your partner and as someone who loves you .

I would think in that moment , and I would think this for most people I'm not gonna say all , but I would think that for most people , and especially if it's a man who is saying this to his woman , it automatically humanizes you in my eyes , right ?

And so then , as a woman , it's natural for me to want to take care , it's natural for me to want to fix things right .

So if I see you having this really raw moment and we're in an argument or a disagreement , temperatures are running high and you're getting ready to walk out the door , slam the door , shut down , not communicate , don't wanna talk , interact or whatever .

But instead of doing all of those things , you came to me and you were like listen , I'm doing this because I'm feeling A , b and C For me . Personally , I would look at that as , like you're human , you're my husband who is having a moment , and because you have expressed this is the reason for the action , because the action itself is not the problem .

It's what's causing the action that can be the problem .

So what I'm saying is , instead of showcasing the behaviors of the reaction where you're gonna be storming off , closing down , not wanting to communicate and just making yourself a recluse , instead of doing that and you said the reason I'm doing this is because I'm tired of holding up the armor , I'm tired of pretending like I have it under control and I don't have

it under control . I've been depressed for the past week . I'm tired of there's so much on my shoulders . That's what I'm saying . Like , if you , that's being vulnerable , because those are emotions that you are communicating to me , that you have never communicated .

Or those are emotions that you are communicating to me that you have always been hesitant about communicating , out of fear of the way you may be judged , out of fear of manipulation , out of fear of it being thrown back in your face .

But that's the point of the vulnerability and that's why I say it's important , because if you were to say something like that during an argument , I'm not gonna sit there for me anyway .

I'm not gonna sit there and keep going back and forth with you and immediately what I would wanna do is I would wanna run and hug you , I would want to pull you closer because I see that you're having a human experience . You're a husband , you're a father . You have a lot .

That's on you and , as your wife and as me being the person that is supposed to create that safe space for you or help you create that safe space because it's on you too to create that safe space but as your partner , who was supposed to help you create that safe space , who was supposed to be a point of solace for you , I'm not gonna keep arguing with you

when I see that you're being raw with me . I'm not gonna keep arguing with you when I see that you're showing me real emotion and that you are choosing to stand in what we're going through right now and communicate , as opposed to running away and cutting yourself off .

There's no way that I'm gonna sit there and be like , okay , well , you should feel like you're failing because you are . There's no way I'm gonna be like you should feel inadequate because you are inadequate , like I'm not gonna do that .

And I can't fathom to think that there would be somebody in a relationship or in a marriage that they are trying to , that they want , that they are still actively trying to foster life with somebody would have that type of response with their partner when they are being vulnerable in the moment , in the heat of the moment . Okay , do you understand ?

Like , does that make sense ? Yes , you see what I mean . So it's like , yeah , it might have started with how somebody did something to you , but you have control over how you react to any situation .

Vulnerability comes when , in my opinion , when you feel like there is enough trust , when you feel like you're not going to be judged , when you feel like you're not going to be manipulated .

And I think that's just like a different level in the relationship when both parties can get to a point where I can come to you raw and uncut and feel like I'm gonna be cared for and feel like I'm gonna have compassion and feel like this is my safe place .

That is a different level in the relationship and that's why I say it's vital for moving your relationship forward . It's vital for moving the relationship forward because if I can't be raw and uncut with you , who am I supposed to be raw and uncut with ?

I hear you , fair , I hear you , so I know you talked a little bit about why it's hard for men in particular to be vulnerable , especially when it comes to your relationships . But why do you think that is Like ? I know the judgment part and the trust and everything , but why do you think that is ? It's like I said , upbringing what it's like .

So it's the self-protecting aspect of it and I think those are the two main two . It's upbringing , the be a man , and it's also I'm not safe enough so I'm gonna protect myself from potential hurt . Those are really the only two reasons I can personally think of a why a man wouldn't be vulnerable .

I can tell you up until I'm pulling the face that this is what I need and this is why I need it , and this is what you're not doing and this is what I need you to do to get me there .

But if you're not receiving the message , and then you turn around and use that to try to say , oh well , a real man wouldn't need this , or a real man Like you , flip it on me .

You know what I'm saying , so that I'm saying like , as a man , you can have all the tools , you can have emotional intelligence , you can know the proper way to speak to your woman , but if she's not prepared to receive it or hear it in a non-defensive way , it doesn't change the outcome of that . Hey , this could potentially be turned back on me .

When it comes to marriage , you have to be able to be outside of yourself and a lot of times people only address issues and confrontation from their angle . They don't see it from the other side and they don't see how their actions is impacting the other person .

So if you can't get through that barrier like I believe , why it works so well for us because we are both of us are finally in the place where we can be selfless , we can look outside of ourself and see what our partner is asking for and not get defensive or not internalize what's being said as a negative against our own selves .

So that's why I believe we can be vulnerable one another .

A lot of people , sadly , do not have that stance , and so it becomes a small battle of I have to protect myself , she has to protect herself , and so we're gonna tell half truths and partial lies , because if I tell you the whole truth , you're gonna feel some type of way and then I'm gonna lose the connection entirely .

So I'm only gonna feed you what I believe you can handle , I'm not gonna feed you the whole truth . Yeah .

So if you were to tell me like I don't know , like babe , I just don't , I don't like how the house looks , or whatever , you know what I mean Immediately , it's easy for me to be like he said I don't do shit around here , and he's trying to say that we live in filth . And he's basically , in another way , saying what do you do all day ?

Cause you've been here , so why haven't you cleaned the house ? As opposed to me kind of taking me out of it a little bit , you know , even though it and it's not an easy thing . Let me just start there . It's not an easy thing and it is something that you have to be intentional about .

So like when you say you feel like that's something that we've , you know , we've kind of done good at it's because it's taken trial and error , it's not because we're just like , yeah , okay , I'm just , you know , gonna be so great and perfect about .

No , it has taken trial and error and it's still not something that is 100% perfected , but I think what it has done is it made us more intentional , right ? So in that moment , going back to the story , in that moment I could feel like you're attacking me .

I could feel like you're saying you're lazy , you don't do nothing , like my house isn't being kept up , or I can try and take myself out of it a little bit and try to hear what he is saying .

You know , after working 12 and 13 hour days , if he comes home like , yes , he understand that life happens and we have a kid and we have things going on , I have stuff going on , I have errands to run , but it's like if it's like this on a consistent basis and it's like it really doesn't help .

If he's saying like it doesn't help my mental status to come home to a home that's disorganized or everything is out of place or it just messes with my mental , like it doesn't help me mentally so that I can come in and make that mental switch To now I'm not out there having to provide for my family , but I'm here as a husband and I'm here as a father

and I want to be in this space where I can just focus on that , because I can't just focus on that when everywhere I turn , there's a mess .

If I take myself out of that equation and don't look at it as an attack and , like I said , that's not an easy thing but if I don't look at it as an attack but I'm just hearing it as what my partner is telling me Right , Then I can kind of relinquish a little bit of that attacking feeling and then I can just say you know what I understand , I can

understand that from your perspective and I can . You know , this is how I'm going to take the action to try to do better or be better or whatever . But that's the work that you have to do .

So doing little things like that and the work that you have to do on yourself also will help you to become more vulnerable when you're having a moment that you need to be vulnerable with your partner .

So if you could at least do this for me , show me that you're honoring me and respecting my sacrifice , then I'm able to go out here and still grind Right .

It inspires you to now know that I can say something to you , not coming from a place of malice , not coming from a place of trying to hurt your feelings , not coming from a place of where I'm attacking you , but now I know I have a partner that I can effectively communicate with , and I can communicate my emotions and my feelings and my needs and my wants ,

without them taking it so personal that it turns into an argument or them taking it so personal that we can't even have an actual conversation about it . You know what I mean . It inspires you to want to be more open , and that's where I talk about vulnerability being so important and vital to moving a relationship forward .

You know we don't know how long we have to be here on this earth . We don't right .

But if we are choosing to do this life with another person , I want to make sure that our line of communication I wanna make sure that you know all the things that we want to do and achieve , that we create a foundation and we create a platform that we both feel comfortable coming to . I don't want to fight my partner right .

I don't want to be in discord with my partner and the times that come up where we are not on the same page or where we're just disagreeing or we're just like we're just not in a good place .

I still want to know that you're my person and I'm your person and as long as you're willing to go in , you know , with this fight with me , I'm gonna fight with you . Do you know what I'm saying ? Like , but it takes two people . You have to take the ego out of it . I say this time and time again you have to take the ego out of it .

You have to remove , you know , just your person . Like , not remove your perspective , but be open to seeing it in someone else's perspective with someone else's eyes .

It's us trying to better ourselves so that we can then , in turn , better our relationship and better our marriage , so that we can withstand the test of time and go through and come out on the other end . Trumpet .

Babe , you know I've been thinking about this , you know what I'm saying , and I would just kind of like see how you would react to those things . And then over time you told me , okay , well , I can trust her . Okay , so far , so far , so good . I can trust her .

She hasn't let me down or she hasn't internalized or tried to weaponize this against me yet , so I can trust her . So then I was able to open up and be more vulnerable to you .

So I think the only steps it's just , it's small , it's like I said you gotta , it's about the battle , it's not the war , it's about taking those small battles and just to see the end of the outcome of them and then getting into a space to where you're now comfortable enough to divulge your full vulnerability .

You know what I mean . I feel sorry . They're interconnected Because they're interconnected exactly .

So when you're trying to become more vulnerable with your partner , like you said , I'll give you a little bit and see how that kind of works with you and see how you react to that , see how the situation goes and then , as time progresses , my armor kind of can slowly break down when it comes to us being vulnerable with one another .

I also think another way that you can help or another way that you can become more vulnerable with your partner is by not self-projecting your stuff onto your partner , and what I mean by that what do you mean by that ? Yeah , what I mean by that is almost like how you're emotionally feeling inside .

Instead of communicating how you feel , you project that onto your partner and make it their feelings Right . Right , and then , when that's not how they feel , that's where the disagreement comes in . Right ? It's because you're self-projecting Instead of saying this is where I am right now , this is what I need , this is how I'm feeling . I don't know what I'm doing .

I need help . Like , instead of communicating , exactly it is how you feel , right , and doing that is very uncomfortable . Like whether you've been in relationship with somebody for a long time , or even a marriage . Like I say , it is trial and error .

But being that vulnerable with somebody to tell them that you're feeling like a failure , to tell them that you're feeling inadequate , to tell them that you're feeling out of control , like all of those emotions , that is scary to tell somebody , or to tell your partner , because you do have a fear of being judged , you do have a fear of altering what you think

their thought is of you , right ? So when I say projecting , don't project all of that onto your partner , right , and try to diminish or minimize how big that actually is . Just try like , just as hard as it is .

Push through it and try to tell your partner like , hey , I'm feeling inadequate , I'm feeling like a failure , I'm feeling like this , I'm feeling like that , and if you are not looking for advice , if you're not looking for the response , you can lead with that as well .

I'm not looking for you to respond , I'm telling you this is how I'm feeling and I don't know what the next step from this is . But I am still willing to work through this , like I don't want to feel this way . I don't like us being on this page . I don't like us not having a solid foundation in our marriage . I don't like not liking you .

You know what I mean . So don't project that onto your partner , but find a way where you can be vulnerable enough to communicate that so that you can move forward . If that means counseling , if that means couples therapy , if that means you know talking to another trusted couple that you know that you trust , then do that .

But do those things because it's one of the biggest things . Like I said in the beginning , that is essential for growth , it's essential for elevating the relationship , it's essential for moving things forward , especially when you're working through , you know , in your marriage this is where the work comes from .

When people talk I always say it right , I've said it like three podcasts when people talk about marriage is hard or marriage is work , this is literally what we're talking about . This part is the work , the work . It comes in when you're not on the same page . It comes in when you don't like each other .

It comes in when your feelings are hurt and you don't know how to get back to steady ground . That's where the work comes from . The work comes from constantly having to communicate , even when you don't want to communicate .

It comes from having to be vulnerable in situations when it's not comfortable for you to be vulnerable , but in order to move forward , you have to do uncomfortable things .

So let's get down to the facts , let's get down to the actions , let's get down to how you're really feeling so we can discuss that . It's almost like a puzzle . Let's lay all the puzzle pieces out and then we can put the puzzle back together how you know what I mean Like in each place where it's supposed to be .

But this is literally the work and it's not impossible . But it does take two people to want to continue to do the work together and it is not going to be 50-50 at all . Never is no such thing no such thing . Tired of hearing that Debate over no such thing as 50-50 .

That doesn't mean you're going to go off and just do everything by yourself , but you have an obligation to take care of yourself . You have an obligation to your own emotional health , your own mental health and your own health . You have a responsibility to self .

When you don't do that , and now you're counting on your partner to help you take care of yourself , that's when the trouble starts .

Tune in again next week for the next episode every Wednesday we appreciate everybody out there like and subscribe and the comments . We love y'all , man we appreciate everything . Yes , and sharing Love it . Thank you very much .

Remember , if there's anything that you guys want to talk about or if you want a little bit of insight as to a situation that you're dealing with that you need some advice on , you can always email the podcast at Life After I Do podcast at gmailcom . Feel free to leave comments on any of the clips that you see .

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