Social Media

Hello , everyone , and welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do . I am your host , anisha G , and I am here today with Paulita , what'd it do ?

So , but getting into today's topic , we are going to be talking about something that I think affects well , I'm not going to say affects a lot of couples or relationships , but it is one that definitely comes up like in my friend circle .

It's almost something that's kind of inevitable If you are hard , if you have a business , if you're promoting something , if you're trying to stay in touch with friends and family , if you want to just know about what's going on in the world , if you want to watch the wagons drag across the screen , if you want to watch the wagons drag across the screen , then

yes , I mean , you don't just watch them across the screen . Apparently , you watched them at our daughter's pickup as well . Some of the moms got wagons what can ? I say Just really quick and a little tangent .

We were picking our daughter up the other day and we get to a light and my husband was like some of these moms is dragging that wagon and I was like babe , I was like mama's got ass . And he was like I see why they mama's .

We know of some of the impacts that it can have on us individually , but I think those same impacts can spill over into a relationship , especially in the era of relationship advice , relationship experts , goals , as they call them goals , couples , people who are goals or people who are goals .

In this whole type of era , I think it can kind of really spill over into your relationship . So I think the first thing that I can think of is the unrealistic expectation that social media can have , not just on you individually but most importantly , on your relationship .

to again . Like I said before , a lot of people are braggadocious , A lot of people like to brag and boast , but a lot of times that these brags with these pictures of them on vacation . There's deeper , darker things going on on the other side .

Okay , is he perfect for me right now ? Yeah , he is , but he's not . He's not perfect , right ? So when I look at couples that I see on social media and I go to comments and I see how people are like , oh my gosh , they are so perfect together . He just seems like he's the perfect husband , he's the greatest cat , he's this , she's that .

It's like for one , that's a lot of pressure to put on the couple , you know what I mean . And then , for two , people felt to realize that they are just people , just like you and I .

We had Almost picking shoes Right . Like we had said before , you need to be firm in what you want and what you will tolerate . You have to be firm in this and the lifestyle that you want to cultivate for yourself , because don't let your life be guided by what you think or feel may appear to be to look good . What you think you want , right , right .

It's like for me that was that's , that's what I wanted , like her and my uncle Don , like this right , completely up until the day she , she , passed away , like that was , that was the volatile death do us part . That was it . And so I've always looked at that and admired that .

I've always saw it from the outside , though you know , I didn't , because obviously I was also a kid , so I didn't know the ins and outs and all the things you can go through , deciding to be in a monogamous relationship or doing life with a person . So all of the things that I saw on the outside , like I saw , you know , them taking vacations .

They always had multiple homes , they drove nice cars , they , you know it just seemed like they just had the perfect life , like that's , that's , that's what I wanted . I wanted a husband so that I could share those things , those things with right .

But as I got older and I started to recognize the amount of work and patience and dedication and love and selflessness and sacrifice , all those things that go into building a life with somebody . It's like that . You know all that kind of like changes .

You know , and you don't get to see that when you're looking at people on social media Because , like you said , it's a highlight reel . We show you which we want you to like , what we want you to know . They're showing you what they want you to know with what they feel comfortable with you knowing right .

And then , especially when you have people who do it as part of as a career or as part of income , there's even more of a heightened you know , a heightened highlight reel , if you would say , for them to portray themselves as a couple in a certain way , because that's also how they generate an income .

And then you're on the opposite end and you're scrolling and you're looking like like if I could just have a relationship like that , if I can find a man like that , if I can find a woman like that , and it's like you don't know what happens when that camera gets turned off , you know .

So , yes , it's okay to be intrigued by the idea of what it is you're seeing , but I think where the line gets crossed is when we start implementing that into our lives , where we start judging ourselves , where we start judging our partner , where we start , you know , interjecting what we think we're seeing on social media into our real everyday lives .

. You go into your regular life . You just watched for 30 minutes or an hour a YouTube video or Somebody's multiple Instagram reels and they're on vacation . Or you know she's living us the big thing . What is it ? The soft life .

She's living a soft life and she doesn't have to do anything and her days are completely un-cumbersened by you know , the aspects of having to be a wife and a mom and doing this and doing that . She can just be her . And then you go back into your life and you looking at your man like the fuck . So why can't , why can't I live like that ?

Or you know , I watch such and such and I just think . I just think that it's not , you know , and you just start Interjecting what you just watched into your daily life .

And that is a real thing , and some people are not even conscious that they do it , because that's the tricky part about Social media and technology in the first place is you don't even recognize when you're that you're so constantly changing , changing not only , not only your personality but you're also , by digesting so much similar content .

And a lot of people they get caught up in the masses and they don't really think for themselves and they don't really see like my wife was saying , they don't really see the impact that the social media is having on them . Um , physically and mentally , like with the , with the , comparing yourself with the , with the , idolizing other people's lifestyle .

Would you wish ? Oh , I wish I can , I wish I could look like this , I wish I had the chance to do that , I wish I could , and it's like everything that you keep . You're sitting telling yourself that you wish you could do or that you wish you could be . You can .

If you would apply yourself like , if you would spend that time , that time spent , that you spent strolling . If you apply that to the things that you want in life , you could , in fact , better your life .

If I'm coming , if I'm strolling , and you happen to notice that If I'm on tiktok and you hear a couple viral sounds , you know like Oakland , so he's looking at these women , at these women . Do it like , yeah , that could that , could cause a , that cause a disagreement .

But when you were scrolling and you started to notice how the algorithm has switched what it was showing you , which was essentially nothing but ass wagons , just wagons , just wagon after wagon , wagon just swiping and swiping , and wagon and wagon , wagon , right .

So I mean , it wasn't a like , a disagreement or anything in our household , but it didn't have to become a disagreement because it's something that he also recognized and he fixed himself .

And then I remember it , like I was just showing one day and I saw this , yes , it , and I think I showed you three or four videos back to back , and it was probably Four different accounts . I was like this is this like ? It's like , it's like they've cloned themselves at this point and like , and so it got to the point .

It actually got to the point to where it irritated me .

I had a moment of clarity right , and it was like this is not good because this is , it's altering how I , how I see things , it's altering how I feel and it's altering and in some way or shape or form , like my , my sexual habits . So it's like no , and I realized that no , this needs to , this needs to be changed .

Why wagons are asses , wagons , just wagons , wagons , wagons wagons , wagons , the balloons , wagons and balloons wagons and balloons , and he , you know , he he took it upon himself because he started to recognize how that was negatively affecting him , which , in turns , was gonna eventually have an effect on our relationship .

So I think that's something that you know , you always have to be mindful of , because when you're in a relationship , even if you're going through something individually or something that affects you individually , I think it goes without saying that it affects your partner because you're doing life with somebody .

So you don't get to just say like this is just , this is just me , or this is a me thing , it can be a you thing , but you also have to consider somebody else and how that's gonna impact their life and how that's gonna impact you guys's relationship as a whole .

I think another point is Making your daily life less interesting , cuz that goes to your scrolling all day . You're looking at all the things that people are doing , you're comparing to what you have .

So if you're , if you're having a situation when you're looking at , you know , these soft life videos I'll go back to that , because that's a really big thing right now You're looking at these soft life videos , right , and then he's on the other end and he's looking at videos where , you know , there's women who are severely catering to their man Y'all on opposite

ends of the spectrum and now he's subconsciously making little slight comments . Well , I wish you would do this more , because you know , I saw such a such video and she does this for her man , and I wish you would do this this more , because I saw such a such video and she gets to live this way . It sounds , it sounds far fetch . No , no , it doesn't .

And Once you choose the first rabbit , the rest will appear out of the hole and the tick tock , and your Twitter and your , your Instagram , your Facebook , it will pull you down that hole and you will be bombarded with videos of the same content being told by a different person constantly , to the point to where you can almost pretty much Recite what they're going

to say before they even finish saying it . And it's , it's funny . It's like like recently , mad madden just came out and Now on my tick tock , every other , every other or every third video is a video about Madden . Mm-hmm .

Oh , you know , I liked one video by a guy about a guy saying bad and was trash , and I am now now it's gone Bombarded with madden videos . Right , so it's like you have to be mindful of this is that these things are created To push towards you , the things that you are interacting with .

This is why I say you have to be mindful of what you're interacting with . We have to be mindful of what you're watching completely through , because you might say , well , I don't like anything . Well , great , granted , you might not like it , but if you sit there and watch two minutes and 45 seconds of a three minute video .

They know that you watch two minutes and 45 seconds of a drink any video , and so they're gonna show you more videos like that . So it's like you have to really be mindful of your digital footprint and what you're doing , because that it's gonna affect , that's gonna affect your life , whether you realize or not it's .

You may start lacking in the things that you're doing before , because now you are diving into this alternate reality that is feeding , you know , feeding you constant opening , yeah , and and things of incitement , and you literally it's almost like it's one of those things where you have to , you have to almost get it out your system , type thing , like you have to .

It's like like when we discover like a new restaurant and we go there all the time until we get it out our system . Right , it's kind of like that . It's like you have to Deep dive . If you don't , if you can't recognize what you're doing , you got to actually get into it deep enough until you pretty much get tired of it and what about ?

Unless your partner speaks up and says something right .

Okay , okay , whatever , but any who ? What I was saying was how would it make ?

Would a hairline would not make you internalize some bit ?

anyway . But I Realized I was like , okay , this is having a negative impact on her , because now , because now she's seeing , oh well , if this is what he's seeing , this is much to be what he likes , and I look nothing like that .

It's part of me making my wife feel safe , right , and I think this is a kind of a controversial topic when it comes to a relationship of marriage , but it is . I do feel . I Personally feel that it's part of my job to let my wife know that her place as my wife is secure and that I'm not out here entertaining , that .

I'm not out here indulging our Letting women think or perceive they have a shot to be in her place . So that's how I took that . I said , okay , this is something that she senses about .

Okay , I'm , I might not stop looking at wagons completely right which I don't expect you to , but I'm going and I'm not going to yeah , like you have , I'm going to decrease them . Yeah , you know .

A few weeks ago we were picking our daughter up from practice and I had mentioned to you what I had mentioned to you one of the moms and I was like I said , babe , like if you look at her from the ways down , you would have never thought , you'd have never thought she wasn't black , look . I was like look at her thighs .

And he looked , so it's like I mean I guess you can say I wouldn't , I wouldn't say we do it together . I'm just saying it was an observation . I have eyes and I know my husband has eyes and I'm not necessarily the jealous type .

You know what I mean because , like he said , how he , how he feels , like it's his job to ensure that I feel secure within our marriage and my position as his wife .

In my opinion , to speak to that he , he's , must , he must have done a pretty decent job that I'm comfortable up Comfortable enough to even have conversations like that with my husband or not jump down his throat because he notices another woman . He's not noticing the other woman like he notices me .

She don't get the same type of attention he gives me when , you know , even when I don't look my best . So I don't really have like an insecurity when it comes to that , like now , if I would say but , um , but yeah , I just thought that was funny because it just made me but the also little things I'm not gonna .

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm married , because the first thing I do is talk about my wife .

I don't show social media in front of her and Unless , and if I do , if I am shown in front of her and then if a wagon video comes across , I just I just stroll past it , I just stroll past it and I try to , I try , I do try to keep it costs always respectable when I am in your presence .

You should have no problem like saying like , oh , I follow her because you know she's really into like tennis or she's really into fitness or whatever , and she's this at this level in the game or whatever , and this is why I follow her , you know .

Or if you follow her simply because you like her content or because you're like , oh , she's beautiful I mean , I wouldn't necessarily say that to your , your partner , like , but I'm just saying being truthful and upfront with your partner is more important , right ? So if I come across him Scrolling and I see an account and I'm just like , why do you follow her ?

He has no problem telling me why he follows her , right ? Even if he tells me , oh , I follow her because , like , she's into fitness and she she's bench pressing 315 right now and I like to watch her technique , okay , that's fine , like , I have no problems with that . That's cool , but it's being upfront about it .

You know what I mean , because I think we all know our intentions when we get into something .

So it's like , oh , I see what you're saying , like , so , like , if I come across the video like recently with the whole , the whole EPS thing right up , common on a lot of people's videos like no , you're wrong , you're done , you shut up , right , right .

So it's like I don't , I'm , and even so , basically , when I do comment on videos , whether they're Mel or female videos like it's not my comment is just to save my two cents Because I felt impelled to do it at that moment and go on . I'm not looking for a back and forth Banner with anybody , and a lot of times I don't .

When , even with some people , sometimes when people reply to my , a lot of times Sometimes I reply , but most times I won't even reply . So , like I try to , it's like you have to be mindful and , like I said , you have to be mindful in your movements as well . So I'm very mindful in my movements or social media because , um , it can .

It can you can lead people on to us , because people will assume a certain thing without asking you a question . So that's why I try to be mindful of how I move .

Her husband was having an affair through Facebook and so after her divorced and when she remarried , I remember her telling me that going forward , you know , when she had got remarried , one of the things that she made clear to her new husband was sharing social media or sharing email addresses , like that was for her .

That was like you know , you either do this for me , because this is like this is what I need , or it just doesn't work .

They're going to find a way to do it without you finding out . Anyway , it don't matter if you got a shared Facebook , if you got a shared email , if you got a shared anything . But I say that to say that was one of the things in which her partner , you know , made her feel some level of security by agreeing to something like that .

Right , and also how we can see that social media can have that type of impact on a marriage , where people feel like they can do things that their partner doesn't know about , whether it's entertaining conversations that they probably shouldn't be having , whether it's like sending messages that they know are inappropriate . You're into , you know what your intentions are .

Right . If you tell somebody , if you comment under somebody's video or somebody's post and you're like , oh , looking good or a good form , or things like that , yeah , you can say that you like good form if it's like a workout video or something , but you also know what your intentions are Like . I think we need to be really real about that .

It's not just as simple as saying , oh yeah , good form , you know what your intentions are Like . Be real . What were you going to say ?

So , but , like , if you told me today , hey , I have an issue with this , this and this , or like I have an issue with you following this person , or issue with you communicating with this person , it would stop immediately . Like I would , and it would stop without me even explaining to them why it stopped . It would just stop , you know .

And if you had a problem with me being on social media , I would just get off social media because for me personally , it's not that big of a deal for it to cause me headache in my actual life .

So I know that my activity online is not a concern for you , especially since I'm probably you know when I'm watching on TikTok , cause I'm saying you know the damn TikTok videos Facts , so it's not like oh my gosh , be a mom of videos so it's not like I'm hiding anything from you , so I don't think so .

if you , if you said that , I think it would be a legit concern you'd have , and then I would take it seriously .

We don't know these people in real life , we don't know what goes on behind the scenes , but as far as your relationship , as far as your marriage , set boundaries , set expectations . A boundary for some people could be like we don't follow , I don't know .

I Don't know for the sake of the argument , like porn stars , what would be the point in you following a porn star if not for the fact to look at half-naked content ?

I'm just saying , like you know , set boundaries and which you're comfortable with , because even though you may be comfortable with it , even though you may say it's not a big deal , your partner may very much think that it's a big deal , right ? So , like I guess a boundary for me would be DMing . There's no need for you to DM anybody .

If you , if you're gonna DM somebody , it's gonna be for what ? Like work , it's gonna be for asking a question about , maybe , a product or something that they're selling , or I can't . I can't honestly Think of any other reason why you would be DMing something like the only

way .

That way it's open and for everybody to see it's not a , it's not a personal thing , right where you're having a side-off conversation with one on one conversation right Right now , because I can see how now I don't I , I personally don't feel the way , but I can see how you this is how I internalize it right , I could .

I see how you would deem Me direct messaging someone as the similar to having a text thread or having absolutely , or having a phone conversation . Right , you should , you got the phone right , so you consider that it is , you consider that as me , having an intimate moment in an intimate conversation , regardless of topic , with another person .

So I know that that's not something that you would be okay with . So that's why that's something that's not something I won't do , right ?

Technology is real , real advanced these days , so you could feel like you have access . But if you don't know , like the incognito stuff , if you don't know like the incognito stuff , then it really don't matter .

But the point is is I would just say , if you're doing something on social media , whatever it is you're doing on social media , if you don't mind showing it to your partner , letting your partner read your messages or Allowing your partner to come in and interact with you while you're on social media , then it's probably some you shouldn't be doing .

If it's something you feel like , oh , this is my business , if it's something you feel like you don't need to read my DMs , if you , if it's something that you very much know is going to cause a disagreement or some type of discord in your household , then chances are you doing some shit you have no business doing .

You're entertaining something inappropriate that you have no business entertaining because you know it's gonna cause a riff in your household or you know it's gonna make your partner feel some type of way , and that's not necessarily just just a them problem . That's not just a them problem because you're the one that is having ill intentions . Do you agree ?

right so I mean , I feel like it's pretty , pretty self-explanatory when it comes to that but I , like you said , I think what's important is the intention Behind the action , right ? that's what's important , right . Everything is intention .

The boundary part I feel like it's gonna be more subjective , you know , because everybody has a different level of what they're comfortable with . Some people they don't like , they don't mind , they don't care . It's like I don't care what he's watching on social media not me personally .

But I'm saying some people will be like I don't care what she watch , what he's watching on social media , I don't care what she watching on social media , like that's fine and you could . You could feel like that's not having an impact on your partner or it's not having an impact , like on you .

But for the most part , it's like you wouldn't sit there and let your kids scroll for ten hours Because you know that it's impacting them somehow . You should scroll for ten , you shouldn't scroll for ten hours .

But what I'm saying is is that you wouldn't let your kids grow , like you know , into the abyss like that , because you know that it could have negative impacts on them .

So why , again , wouldn't you think that you scrolling as much as you do , or you entertaining Conversations that you know you shouldn't be , or you deeming people when you know you shouldn't be , wouldn't have a negative impact , not just on you but on your relationship , not just on your relationship , but on your partner , not just on your partner , but their mental

health , like it's . It's almost like a Like a trickle-down effect , right , mm-hmm . And then you know , if you're , if you have a partner who's a jealous partner , how does that work ? If you have a partner who's an insecure partner , how does that work ? Do you know what I mean ? You don't understand that ? That's just causing a more and more riff .

That's unnecessary , especially if you know your partner is jealous and insecure .

It's like a security blanket , like , even though I'm having this moment , I Can still have in the back of my mind and rest assured that , like I am safe , I am wanted , I am desired , I you know what I mean I am still all of these things , even though I'm experiencing a moment of insecurity . Do you know what I mean ?

But if I was experiencing a moment of insecurity , or if I experience multiple moments of insecurity , and then I have you over there and I see the things that you're looking at and the attention , the attention that you're giving it , and then I look at myself , but I'm already having a moment of insecurity and I don't have you to come over and try to reassure

me , right ? But I see what you're scrolling at and I see what you're doing and I see how you're choosing to spend your time , even though we're in the same room together . It's like what ? You're not doing anything to help my insecurity either .

You know , and then if I , if I see or know that you also are DMing other women and You're trying to sell me the story that it's innocent because you haven't done anything . But you know that I deal with insecurity and your position is basically like I just that's something I need to deal with . Well , you're not really helping .

But I do Agree with you , with the whole , with the , with the boundaries , like boundaries are subjective .

But I do feel as if you need to have these conversations and I don't think a lot of people have these conversations and I do feel that in a relationship , in a marriage , and when we have agreed to be there for one another , we need to appear to those boundaries .

That's only fair and regardless of how , I do believe , regardless of how one sided it may feel sometimes , you have to understand that it's for the betterment of the marriage , because if I'm better for you , that gives you space to be better for me , which makes us better for together as a whole . Right which then struggles down to our offspring right .

And I often time I look at things through the lens of . I want to create an ideal example for our child so that when she gets up age , she has a good reference point of how healthy relationships should be .

So , like if this is something that is a struggle in your relationship or this is like a hot topic of your relationship , I don't see anything wrong with having healthy conversation about how to get to a resolve , not necessarily in front of kids , but like near kids , right , because I think it's important for kids to see how you resolve issues too .

You know , everyone's first inkling is to try to protect kids from everything like we want to . We don't want to argue in front of them . We tried not to argue in front , you know , in front of kids and things like that . But also kids need to know how to resolve , to have some type of resolution right .

When mommy and daddy are disagreeing about something , and especially if it's not necessarily an inappropriate conversation , but if it's just like a simple disagreement , they also need to see how mommy and daddy resolve things . They need to understand that disagreements are normal , they are , they're natural , they , it's going to be a part of having that relationship .

So even when they grow up and they can say like , oh , my parents have , you know , been together X amount of time and I've watched them grow in their marriage , but I also see how my mom reacts and how my dad resolves when his when his temper is about to get out of control or when my mom feels like you know she's being disrespectful verbally , or how they

resolved a problem . You know what I mean , because I think all of that is important also for kids to see on some level , right .

And then now these these internet problems now become personal problems , because they're they're affecting the household in one way or another , because they're affecting you and you're a part of the household , right , and you are part of a team , so it's , it's affecting you .

Alternatives , Right , and so you're going to sit here and subconsciously compare what you're seeing to your reality and sometimes not sometimes all the time that is a dangerous game to play because you , you're not . You're not comparing facts versus facts .

You're comparing facts , which is what's actually happening , the actual person you have , versus what appears to be a desired result . So , and it it can leave that it can , it can lead you down a path of the grass is greener .

The grass is leaving greener and glorifying a person or persons in which you know nothing about , right , that you have no personal connection or personal knowledge of outside what has been posted online .

Now you're comparing and when you compare , the more you , the more you like what you see here , the more you decide to dislike and present what you actually have in front of you , and I would , I would contend that the best thing for you to do is to pour that energy , that that time that you're spending watching what you wish you had .

You need to spend that time developing that ecosystem inside your own marriage and relationship .

Sometimes I , I , I , because we , when we went through our , our rough spot , I realized that when I look back now and I looked at how unhappy I , how unhappy I was , how I , how , or how unhappy I thought I was because it was mostly the shit was in my head how unhappy I thought I was , and then what I saw , I realized now that my unhappiness , the person

who was mostly responsible for my unhappiness , was myself , because at the core of everything , I was ungrateful for what I had and the opportunity and I almost fumbled the opportunity that was given to me .

And I think it takes a certain level of self reflection to realize that that , like you said , the grass is always going to appear greener and that's because the grass over there is being tended to . So if you tend to your own grass , it can shine just as bright . Or it's fake grass , right , you can .

It can shine just as bright , if not brighter , than the grass you're already looking at .