¶ Communication Breakdown and Frustration in Relationship
Even though getting gas is not always something that you do like , you helped me out . Like we said earlier , things are gonna change from week to week and there's always gonna be times where one person is gonna need help , and one you know , cause they're just overwhelmed with you know other things that they are responsible for or other things they're doing .
So it's like you have to again going back to communicating , you have to then communicate what you need to your partner , and that's also about that's also a good way to manage your time , cause if I communicate , hey , if you do X , y and Z for me I know you don't normally do X , y and Z , but if you can do X , y and Z for me , now that now it's
freezed up this time , so when I get home I have this time .
And you weren't rushing .
Right , I'm not rushing to do this and now I can actually get home at a decent time . We can actually have the potential , if things actually go as planned , for me to get home at this time and we spend time together . Yep , here we go . Here it goes . You ever think of someone that has HIV and AIDS ?
My扉 Skin has certificate already someone out here on-the Fair-Shelf show who la transpired , I guess who was that person . Oh well , yeah , Okay , and we will continue in the end to make sure no one else has come and say they're coming . They said we have no dusk with us tonight . Life partner and Confident , confident .
Yes , sir , your source of annoyance . Sure , your petty petty .
No , you're you're the reason for my petty patty .
Yeah , yeah , you're messy Betty .
Yeah , yeah , hi , hey , boo Hi look pretty tonight . Thank you . I hope I look better than I feel .
You feel good ?
I mean , I Don't , I don't feel the greatest . So right now my fatigue is like Probably an 8.9 right now .
I'm a woman , hear me war .
Good boy . Good Bye , goodbye , but yes , I am happy to be here Back for another episode . This is episode what eight .
I think it's nine . I can't , I can't remember .
I don't , I want to say it's eight .
Episode eight yeah pretty sure .
How's your week ?
Exhausting yeah . Why 60 hours six days ?
Yeah .
Okay .
Welcome to the club . It's been a . It's actually been a rough week for the household in general . It's been a rough week for me as well .
It's only been a rough week for Phoenix , because she can't do what she wanted to .
Yeah , but she's , you know , she's a whole thing and a half .
She's a mess .
Um , but yeah , you've been working a lot and I've been over here working a lot and we haven't Like we've kind of missed each other a lot . I've only seen you for a few hours in the morning and pretty no time at night 37 minutes at night .
Yeah , and that's been kind of rough too , because I Haven't been feeling the greatest and so I've been wanting to like you want somebody to talk and cuddle and you want somebody baby .
Not , you want to be , you want to be nurtured , you and we loved on oh yeah , I wanted to be loved on , but then I also understood that you know you're super , super tired and normally you're really good about like Giving giving me my little hour 30 minutes , you know like .
I don't normally complain . This week I don't have it in me .
I don't normally complain , but I had to . I had to say something this week . I was I feel like I was really needy this week .
I didn't have it in me this week . I know we just wasn't on the same page . No , and that's fine , that's life .
Yeah , cuz , and it happens , cuz we were not on the same page this week he was tired and exhausted . I was tired and exhausted and I was very like I hate saying it like that like needy , but I just really needed to know , under no , say it again for the same again .
So I , you were what cut it out . I just wanted to be my husband .
What I wanted to be with my husband and you were very what I wanted to be with my husband and you were very need .
I needed my husband Okay , say what we people need .
I needed my husband .
You were being extremely what needed my husband .
Okay so , you know , and I just really wanted to be under you and I just kind of felt like I needed a little bit of like bubble time , and it just makes it a little bit more difficult when I know it's not even possible to get bubble time . But whatever , I digress and I knew all that I .
I felt you need all that . When you came to bed , in that moment I saw you goodbye .
Well , I came to bed in the moon like even last night , like we were just kind of like we didn't spat last night , but it was like you're gonna you kind of like got on my nerves and I know I got on your nerves , no that was not it at all . Stop trying to act like you're so damn nonchalant you're not . Cut it out .
Um , yeah , I just kind of like I kind of like just came downstairs just to be in my own company it was great .
You are getting on my nerves and you got quiet on my nerves . It got dark and I was able to fall right asleep . Sometimes that that are dead . Now that little argument , little , just really had it . It didn't go good for you or me , but I really did benefit from that because I got some good sleep last night , only to be tired today from work again .
But last night I got good sleep because you left me be and I appreciate that .
And then , what did you do this morning ? I was the gym . When you came home this morning , oh , the gym . And then your first interaction with me this morning , what did you do ? Good morning . And then , after that was what ? Oh , I said I apologize . Apologize for being an asshole .
I was an asshole . That's what you apologized for .
He apologized for being an asshole . I wasn't a he was trying to take accountability for being an asshole . Okay , why are you getting loud , rick , and regardless of your ass , holiness , I still love you .
I wasn't being an asshole .
I okay .
I didn't apologize for me , an asshole . I apologize for not being there because I recognized that you needed me and I didn't have it to give . Oh I apologize for not being the husband . You needed this week .
I appreciate that .
I really , but life was beating me that I know , I know . I didn't have it at me .
That's why . That's why I cut . I cut you a little bit of slack . But last night , last night , I just was like you know what and that the last night wasn't about me .
Last night , night was the Combination of my daughter getting on your nerves and you took it out on me .
It was a combination of both .
You don't want to recap last night . No , you both , but Don't know what that was last night because you were in the wrong . What you're doing ? What ? I do , but then I , somehow you got mad at me .
Let's get into it , let's get into it babe , you have to tell me cuz I'm Jim I . I am genuinely curious as to what you're referring to , because I what ?
you know , just gonna do it .
No , I we're not gonna get into anything until you tell me cuz I'm , I'm genuinely curious .
I don't know what you're you were mad at me because I wasn't interacting with you .
Oh , because I felt like you were ignoring me .
I wasn't ignoring you . I just didn't have the energy to talk about what you want to talk about . So you said something and I said , okay , like I listened to you but I had no rebuttal . And then you got mad .
I didn't want . I didn't want a rebuttal , but I did want some interaction . No interaction , I know , I know , but you got mad at the fact .
I didn't react to whatever story you were . I can't even remember what the story was . That's how tired I was .
I didn't get mad that you didn't react .
Listen . All I know is that your mouth was moving , oh my gosh and you were saying something to me that wasn't necessarily important in the moment . You were just telling about something you either had to have seen or heard or watched that day and I'm like , yeah , I'm trying to close my eyes .
I know and I got that and I know I literally you said what you said and all I said was Okay , and then you flipped the switch . No , that's why I would .
Just that's why I just left . I was just like you know . I wasn't being an asshole .
I'm gonna just was . It wasn't just that . No , don't try to make it seem like it was just that , that instant . Oh , I wasn't being an asshole . I wasn't interacting with you in a manner in which you would have a light to meet you .
Okay , but it wasn't just that .
Okay , let's get into it . Baby , we're not gonna argue on camera .
It's not an argument let's go , we're not . It's a difference of opinion .
People are here for the topics , okay .
This is real life , that I hope that's what you come here for every week , because this is real life and the whole point of doing this is so that people understand like we not gonna get on the interwebs , instead appear and lie and try to make it seem like we something we ain't . That's what's not gonna happen .
We are married .
We just had a disagreement before we started rolling the camera like this is real life . This is life after I do . It is not peaches and cream , it is not just happily ever after cream . I don't know , okay , but you know what I mean . Like I'll take a strawberry like always sweet is what I'm trying to say . That's what I'm trying to say shit ain't sweet .
But that does take us into today's topic episode shit ain't sweet . That does take us into today's topic , and we are going to be talking about , like , time management within your marriage , and I think this was perfect , especially coming off of the week . We had . The week we had was just so .
I don't know what it was about this week , but this week was just really rough . You weren't home . I was here dealing with everything with the house , dealing with her going back and forth , running the errands , doing the groceries , cooking , and then you not being there , us missing each other , me missing you , you not having time .
It was just like this week was a really , really rough week and I think the topic for this week is perfect .
¶ Balancing Work, Family, and Self
I also feel like the times where I had the energy to cuddle with you and all that stuff .
I didn't have the energy we had a child in the middle . Yeah , well , but see , and then that's the thing too is because just how I miss you , she misses you too , and just like how you said earlier today , you're like I'm never home , especially this past week .
I feel like I was never home , you didn't really get to see us , and so that's why we went out to lunch yesterday while he was on his lunch break , and we met up with him to go have lunch just have lunch as a family , and she loved it . You know what I mean . It's like time is really important .
She just gave me to get that lollipop .
That's what she wanted , I mean whatever it was , and she texted you twice because she's obsessed with texting right now . But I had to cut that out because she don't know what she's doing and it's Because she texted me something else and what she said something about that .
Did you smack my mom ? I said what are you talking about ?
So It'sshe tries , she tries . But any who like time management within your marriage , prioritizing quality time , effective household and family management and managing your work-life balance everybody goes through it . Everybody goes through the whole trying to balance work and home .
If you ask me , I don't really think that there is this perfect formula to balancing work and home . I don't .
Because it's gonna beit's gonna change every week .
Right , it's just like the whole 50-50 relationship thing . There's no such thing as true 50-50 . Just like I don't think that there's such thing as like true , well-balanced , like home life and work life .
Unless you're rich . No , I mean because I mean , if I didn't have to go to work , I could give you most of my time .
But then what are you doing to collect the money ? That doesn't ? You know what I mean , don't ?
worry about that Okay . The money there .
But any who trying to balance work and trying to balance family and then also trying to balance like time for yourself . Like I told you today , even today I was talking to him on the phone and he was like what's wrong ?
And I was like I just want some meatball soup and I want to get in the bed with the air conditioner on and a heat pack on my back and turn on the Jefferson's and I want to close my bedroom door and be by myself .
Lady Ray got you a choco hold on .
I just want to be in , I just want to be in the bed and I just want to be in the bed with soup and lay down and I just don't want anybody to call me . I don't want anybody to like , I don't want anybody to come into the room Like I just want to be by myself , like , is that so hard to ask ?
You don't want to hear . Mom , mom , oh gosh , mom , I'm trying to talk to you .
Okay , I just have a question . You know like , but it's hard , it's hard Like you get like boggled down mentally and then of course that affects , like you know your Everything . Everything and your physical . I will say , you know , what's helped is the couple of times that I've gone to the gym .
That always helps because it you know , the dopamine and the endorphins and stuff like that and getting out , and then it also creates that time that I can get to myself .
But See , I don't even feel like the gym is time to myself . I feel like the gym to me right now is something I have to do to maintain a certain level of health .
Well , but it's also still time to yourself no Like .
Because I'm in their fight with my focus for machines , so I'm not really fighting .
Oh , I don't fight with anyone for machines .
I'm not really to myself .
But I just think you know it's really important that we prioritize quality time not only with our families , but also with ourself .
And I think it , like my friends , like this week it's going to be different all the time . Like this week it was just a rough week , but I didn't even . I think I was so tired every day that I didn't even like I was conscious of us not spending time together like during the day .
But when I came home from work I was just like I'm just trying to shower and sleep . Yeah , like I don't even want to eat . Just let me sleep At this point . Just let me sleep , because you saw I was walking in like a zombie most nights . Yeah , just happy to make it home , but I do think like it is something that needs to be planned out and scheduled .
So I don't know if you saw the purchase I made today .
I did and I was really curious about it and thank you for bringing it back up , because it came across my phone and I was like damn , do we get identity theft again ? And then I was like no , it said it came from your card . So I was like I'll just ask him about it later .
So I said I'm going to just I'm going to take you to the gun range . That should be fun .
Like , as soon as it came across , I was like firearm , I was like he must have bought ammo or something and I thought you bought it just to like stock up or something .
And I bought a stock to get it arranged .
That makes me happy .
Not only do I wait until next week , Wait after you done with your situation over there .
Not only do I like going to the range , but I like going to the range with my hun buns . What I'm buns ?
Yeah , cause they don't call me that .
Cause . Now I'm happy .
Don't call me that . Don't call me that .
Now I'm happy , so I gotta call you my hun buns .
Don't call me , keep going , let's go . Oh my God .
So you know , like , like we said , it's really , it's really important for you to be mindful of like creating that space , not just for each other , but like family and things like that . You know , something that we have not done in a while . We've talked about this in previous episodes .
Some of the things that you can do is creating like date nights or nights out , you know , with friends or whatever , to just kind of break up the monotony of like daily life and things like that .
So I've noticed I mean , we had a night out , we had a night where friends planned out , and then we did and it got canceled . Somebody got hit by a rona .
But it's you know , the things like that kind of give you something to look forward to .
Like when we had the whole plan that we were going to hang out with our friends , we had a whole Saturday night , we had a sitter for our daughter , those are things that give me something to look forward to , like even just now , how he said he was like did you see my purchase ? Like I'm going to take you to the gun range , like I instantly got happy .
That's why I called you my hunbuns , because now I have something to look forward to and now I also know that I get to look forward to some alone time with you and if you act right , I'll take you to hot pot before what doesn't take much to put a smile on my face .
I don't know what it is with you .
and soup , soup from any culture , and I really shouldn't be eating soup you love soup .
No-transcript .
And you know what your daughter came home and asked for . She asked for us .
Cause she just liked you .
But you know , just carving , carving that time out is so important . I can't I can't stress how crucial that is . It gives you a time to reconnect . It gives you a time to have conversation that doesn't involve the things that you're gonna talk about all the time . We always talk about the bills . We always talk about , you know , the family life , the schedule .
What shopping are you doing this week , or she ? needs this and we talk about that then or she needs this , or you know the fees are due for this , or she has to be here and I gotta go here , like the mundane , you are tricking me . The mundane can take you out , like the stress about even just the mundane things , like it can be stressful .
Schedules are good , don't get me wrong . I like having a schedule because A list person . Yeah , I'm a list person . I like having a schedule , because then there is like no guessing . You know what I mean ? I don't also . I also don't like to sit at home and be like , well , we got a four hour gap , what should I do ? Like I'm taking a nap .
You tried that , Remember . You couldn't .
Sometimes it worked .
But even in the times where you can't , where you can't have just that actual time carved out , where you can be away Doing other things , like creating technology free zones and focusing on each other having conversations , it's really just about the reconnecting .
I think what's important too , and another easy way is the interacting at meal times , like .
Yeah .
If we're eating breakfast , we're all sitting down eating breakfast . No one's on their phone . We're gonna talk together . We're eating dinner together . We're gonna eat dinner together . There's no social media .
And especially because it doesn't happen often , where we get to do like sit down and have dinner during the week .
Well , no , we do dinner , and together on the weekends , right On the weekends , yeah , but we do breakfast together every day .
And yeah , but during the week , like that's just not , it's not feasible .
Well , we do do a good job of talking to each other throughout the day , so it's not like . Yeah , it's not like , but it's not the same .
Like I get it because we're not face to face , because we're not face to face , we're not in each other's presence , but you know , it's a different .
¶ Communication and Quality Time in Relationships
I always seem , I always feel like I get a different version of my partner when we're like one on one , like I get a little bit different version of you when I put your partner relaxed setting .
Yeah , because I'm not worried about what's going on at work . I'm not worried about , you know , what may have happened here or there . I'm literally in a space to where all I have to do is just be with my wife and make sure that she's comfortable . So yeah , I'm in a whole different mindset .
I'm literally sitting down with less responsibility on my mind , right ? So , yeah , so you're going to get a different version of me because I'm in a different setting . Yeah , you know , I mean it's not like saying like , I changed who I am . It's just like in certain settings I can let some guards down and be more relaxed , right ?
So , using this week like as an example , what could you have like looking back and you know I'll do this for myself too but looking back on this week , what do you think you could have done differently as far as if I would have just paid a little more attention and said something like something besides OK to your conversation last night , if I would have just
did that , if I would have just interjected , if I could have found one nugget of what you're talking about that piqued my interest and replied and engaged in conversation , you most likely would have been happy and it would have only took about 10 seconds out of my day .
Yeah .
That would have changed your whole week .
Yeah .
Because I think , like I said , I think because of the situation around everything last night , the lack of time together , the way our daughter was behaving yesterday , the changes your body go through , I think everything just hit its spirit , hit at once , and it was just like , and you were just done Because it was like , when I thought about what the exchange
between us , I was like it really wasn't nothing that was that big of a deal . It really wasn't . But when I think about OK , when , if I think about her day and how it accumulated to that point , she just erupted , and it's like I'm the one I took the hit and I was like , ok , like , but I understood what it was .
That's why I didn't hold it against you . But it's like , I understand , I understand , like if I would have just said , oh , wow , babe , that's crazy , you did what else ? What else about this or what else about that , you would , you would have lit up because you would have just faked it . Right , right . But again , I didn't have the energy to fake it .
I know that my wife is a talker and if I can engage her in conversation she will talk to me about something that I probably don't give two F's about for two , three hours . And sometimes I fake it and I'm like , wow , that's crazy . That's crazy why he says she had no nipple .
But it's like , sometimes I'm like , babe , I'm tired and I get it , and I and I think for me , I , you know I try to always be understanding when it comes to that like , especially the way you work .
Sometimes I really do my best to try to be understanding and to try not to add more to your plate , especially when I'm in an emotional state where I just really feel like I just need some time with you , and that's how it was for me this , like this week .
I just really needed time with you and I could you know I could have done a little bit better too at carving out the time for us to have together , or carving out maybe even some more time like just for myself . And granted , you know before , because I get this to people always say , like , but you stay at home , like you get time to yourself .
I do not get time to myself like that , like like everyone , like every once in a while and I mean every once in a while there may be sometimes where I don't have like an errand to run or do something for the house or something doesn't need to be cleaned and I could probably just sit down and watch like an episode of the .
Jefferson's are in the heat of the night .
And your defense . I do tell you some days like babe , just just chill , like don't do nothing today , like do it tomorrow , but you know . But then you be like , if I don't do it today , it's just going to pile up . And I'll be like OK , like I told you , you just chill today .
Like I get it , Like I don't , I don't expect everything to be like spotless every day , like you can take a day off . Like I get it . But like you like no , I got to do , I said OK but , I'm going to go here and lay down while you do that .
Because I know that it's just going to make it worse for me later .
That's why don't worry , she's sick . In two more years we're going to put her to work . She's got two more years of freedom .
So , you know , practicing active listening with your partner is also really important , Like how he reflected on the interaction that we had last night . And he came to me after having a reflection and it's like , ok , I apologize , because I recognized that this is what you needed in that moment and I couldn't , I couldn't , give that to you , right ?
And for me I appreciate that , because I did it necessarily before I left and , like , went downstairs to try to have time to myself . I didn't really verbally communicate to you how I was feeling at that time , right , and I could have just simply said to you oh , but you physically Exactly Communicated .
Yes , very well , I showed it .
You know very well , but I could have also done a better job at verbally communicating . This is what I need from you in this moment . Like this is what I'm asking for . But again , that goes back to just what we're talking about is like making time for each other and making time for yourself .
Making time for yourself that you can get back , get yourself back into like a ground level . You know what I mean Getting yourself back to a ground level , doing the things that make you happy . So it's not just entirely your responsibility to like make me feel OK because I'm in a needy attitude .
So , like going like I said the couple of times I went to the gym this week , that was also a way for me to kind of mediate what I felt like I was wanting and needing from you . I was like , ok , well , I can just sit here and just be like .
You know , I'm upset because I haven't had time with my husband or he's not showing me the type of attention that I want , but let me go ahead and feed myself .
Let me go ahead and do the things that I know that brings me joy , that I also enjoy doing , but going to the gym is one of them , but it's also on me , regardless of how much I'm working or what I'm doing , to be able to look at my partner and say , ok , well , she needs a little something for me tonight .
Like she like , because , granted , like I mean , when I came home a little earlier on Wednesday , we could have watched the movie or something like I had . I mean , I was still tired and I had the time , but , like you know , I know that my body is set up to give me five and a half , six hours of sleep , no matter what time I fall .
So it just didn't happen . So , like , I came home early , I went to bed early , but then I end up waking up up like two hours early . Yeah , you know . So it's like I understand that , yeah , I could have .
Probably you probably would have cut the movie on , I probably would have fell asleep halfway through the movie , but we would have at least had something where we can say , ok , well , we at least attempted to do this .
And sometime where we could have cuddled and stuff like that , because you don't cuddle through . I need a good cuddle sesh . You don't .
¶ Balancing Time and Responsibilities in Marriage
Another aspect to time management within your marriage is affected . Household and family management effectively like managing your household right . So that includes like delegating responsibilities , assigning tasks and chores to help things kind of like move along .
So I know for me , since I'm in , you know inside the house to help with me and my attitude sometimes , so that I don't get into this like when she comes home , like you've heard me , with her I'm getting very , very big on her doing more as far as not necessarily chores , like she takes out the cans and stuff , that's like her responsibility , but making sure
she does little things like putting her bowl away , teaching her how to clean her bowl , like all of those little things .
Pick up her toys .
Pick up her toys , pick up her clothes . Clean . Like you know , she cleans her room .
She thinks she got servants around here .
Right , she , you know , clean her room . She picks up her room . But teaching her how to actually clean up her room , so that I don't feel like I have to go behind her , go behind you . Clean up the house , do this . You know it becomes a lot . It becomes a lot for me .
I mean you don't have to really go behind me . I mean I know I come , I come , hold on , it's so funny , you think ? That I know I come home and whatever I have for lunch that day , I kind of just leave it in the sink .
I like I leave it there because I'm like , okay , this is the same part of my duties Before you eat breakfast , and then you leave your cup or something on the table and I go behind you and I pick it up off the table and I watch it .
I be trying to get better at that , but I'm like , but I'm like she don't complain about it , so I think she likes doing it .
So I know the hell you didn't just say that she don't complain about it ? So I just think she likes doing it , I don't complain about it , but that doesn't necessarily mean I like doing it . But if you're not complaining about it , in my mind you don't mind .
Okay , no , that's no , you're not effectively communicating . No , you are an adult male .
You should know that when you get up from the table , pick your cup and your plate up , sir .
And my wife has been taking great care of me where I didn't have to do that .
Goodbye , Okay . Well , I'm telling you now .
Like it's just like . It's like how you don't get gas . I don't always put my plate up .
Yeah , but I had to get gas the other day .
I mean no , you got gas over there because I asked you to , because it would help me .
I said hey , I said hold on , hold on because it'll help me .
Don't act like , don't be over your captain . You are already at Sam's club doing the grocery shopping and I said , hey , babe , I got to get gas from my car . So it would really help me if you got gas for your car today so I don't have to get up early to take both cars tomorrow .
And I was like , really Like , I just did the grocery shopping and now you want me to sit in the gas station line and touch these dirty handles .
You had .
And pump my own gas .
You had a three hour gap , while my daughter was at dinner .
What is the world coming to ?
Lord , forbid you be independent for once . Goodbye , I figured it'd be OK because I wasn't there , so your wrist wasn't broken , they were working . No , they were still broke , but I did what I did , but again , that's like you're talking about delegating tasks and stuff like even though getting gas is not always something that you do , like , you help me out .
Like we said earlier , things are going to change from week to week and there's always going to be times where one person is going to need help Because they're just overwhelmed with other things that they are responsible for or other things they are doing , so it's like you have to .
Again , going back to communicating , you have to then communicate what you need to your partner , and that's also a good way to manage your time , because if I communicate , hey , if you do XYZ for me .
I know you don't normally do XYZ , but if you can do XYZ for me now , that now is freeze up this time , so when I get home , I have this time and you weren't rushing .
Right , I'm not rushing to do this and now I can actually get home at a decent time and we can actually have the potential , if things actually go as planned , for me to get home at this time and we spend time together .
So it's like sometimes you have to work together and do things that you normally wouldn't do in order to create an environment where you can both still be in the same environment at one time .
Yep Agreed . So that kind of goes into a form of trying to create work-life balance .
It's impossible .
I mean , I don't think there's anything that exists where your home life is equally as balanced as your work life . That's what I mean . But creating a work-life and home-life balance that suits you and your family , that is what's important , I think .
well for us currently . I think it's kind of hard because I know that I have to do X amount of hours in order to maintain what we got going on and a lot of times that doesn't work with what's going on .
So I'm missing practices , I'm missing events , I'm showing up late to things , I'm trying to squeeze in things here and there , so it's not really a balance . It's almost kind of like I have to choose do I get the hours or am I present ?
A type thing and I do pick and choose what I attend and what I don't attend , and I try to do it based off of what's going to have the least amount of impact on the day to day . But at the end of the day , creating that balance can be and will be a difficult thing . But it's not something . I'm not saying it's not .
I'm not saying it's unattainable , but in my situation I feel like when I'm being the sole income , it's like I can't sacrifice too much time because I still have all the weight of the household on me and yet that wants to be present at everything .
Lord knows , I want to be present at everything , I want to see you do everything , but it's like at this point in the dynamic that we have now . That's not a luxury that I have , but I hope you appreciate and she understands that dad does this so that mommy can be at everything .
Dad does this so you can be at everything and I , granted , I understand that you want dad there because at the end of the day , I understand that the best thing I can give our daughter is my time , because I see how she lights up when she gets time with me . But I hope she understands that dad did this so that you can have X , y and Z .
So that dynamic is going to be a hard one and even with the whole the balance for self-care working the way that I've been working , especially this time of year , I don't really have time for self-care but I try to make it where I have the resources in place so that you guys are not as stressed , because I understand that this time of year can be stressful
on you guys because with all the holidays and the events and all the school stuff and all this yada , yada , yada .
That's an added curricular activity .
And with the dance practices and the genesis practices . I understand that it takes a toll on all of us Because even when I look at her schedule for a six-year-old , she has a pretty hefty schedule for a six-year-old and it's like , granted , we orchestrated it so it'd be that way . So she had to be very , very focused and detailed in her actions .
But even in the terms of her , the balance it's very hard for even her to get balance because , when you think about it , the only free day she has to herself is Thursday afternoon , but she's still doing homework . So the only day where she doesn't have to do anything like dance , gymnastics or school related is Saturday and Sunday .
She literally Right now , until she goes to competition .
She gets the weekends off , but Monday through Friday she's hustling , bustling and I get it could take a toll . And then with you , you never get a day off because you're your mom , you're in the house 24-7 .
You're responsible for the house and it's like you're constantly doing things like yeah , granted , you're not responsible for meals on the weekend , but you're still like Because nine times out of 10 , phoenix is going to say Mom , I could be sitting here doing nothing , mom can you .
It's like you got a whole father over there .
Mom , can you ? But it's like if she needs something she goes to mom . So mom doesn't get a break . Dad , just I'm here to play .
Yeah when she's in a mood to play or be tossed around .
Like she comes to that .
That's where she wants , unless it's a rare occasion where I piss her off or I'm just like . I'm not giving in to her , or she just feels some type of way about me . Then she'll holler I want my dad .
It is funny when she calls and tells on you , it's hilarious .
Yeah , just get over it Dad .
Mom is being so mean to me .
No , you're being a little . I love her , but yeah , I can see that you know , with me work life because what is your life ? Right , exactly Because there is no Like , there is no clock out , there is no different scenery , there is no like separate .
No , no , there is this . There is different scenery because you can program the TVs that have different scenes .
Goodbye , but you know what I mean . Like there is no , you know even when I do .
There's no .
Even when I do like my side business stuff , it's still here in the house . You know what I mean . I take care of the house in the house . I take a break in the house . I run a side business in the house . I told you to start gardening , you'd be all right . I'm not about to be gardening , that's , I'm not there yet .
I'm not there yet , but you know , that's why things like going to the gym , going to have lunch with my friends or doing things like that is really important for me , because it breaks up my every day , it breaks up my monotony , it breaks up you know , my schedule just a little bit , and it gives me again something to look forward to .
Right , you know what I mean , and it's like my brain gears change when I'm able to have something to look forward to out of what I normally do .
Right , and it's also partly my responsibility to ensure that you do have time to yourself . I mean , yeah , I mean it's part of my responsibility , it's my like . You know I can say okay , baby , I got the kid . Today you go spend a couple hours to yourself . Get your feet done , get your nails done , do what you wanna do . Go get your $27 , icy E-Bowl .
FYI , I got one today but , I don't think she charged me like she normally did , cause I got Phoenix's Smoothie too , and it was like the cost of the Icy E-Bowl .
I don't know , some things cost . But anyway , like it's my job I'm gonna say job , but it's my role to provide you with those spaces . Like sometimes I understand , just like life can be overwhelming for me , it can also be overwhelming for you .
So I understand that this is sometimes this is something that I need to schedule into our lives so that you get a chance to reset , like how I want to reset before the week starts .
And you've done that before , like you used to do it quite often , especially on the weekends , but as she's gotten busier , and the dynamic has changed between us . It's just been like I don't know , maybe you just haven't thought about it , or like you know .
I'm just trying to sleep on that .
And then for me , from my perspective , because I see how tired you are all the time , I don't feel comfortable , always just like getting up and being like hey , so yeah , yeah , but sometimes you be like I'm gone . Y'all gonna be here together for like a few hours you know , sometimes you be like I'm gone , I'm out . I have done that before .
Yeah , I have done that , but then you've called me like yeah , I mean that's when you so , babe , that's like when you've been gone like four or five hours , I'm like , hey , this one's planned .
So enough is enough and you can go back home .
Because I'm gonna just be your daughter .
¶ Importance of Intentional Time in Relationships
But like I thought about that , like you know , before COVID and all that , like we had our daddy daughter Saturdays and we were doing something that was really cool . And we were doing something every Saturday and it's always something I wanna , it's something I always say . I wanna start back up and do it her , because we used to .
Every Saturday morning I would take her to the park or we would go like to a movie or we would go to a store like get her something and like we just it , just .
It was your time together .
It was just me and her and we just it would just we'd go get some food and an activity , you know , and it would just vary , and we'd go out , go out together , you know , four or five hours together , and you had that time to the house , to yourself , to do whatever you chose to do .
And I know I understand that that's not something that I've done recently , but I know that when I was doing that that was your time to kind of like , okay , take your breath , you're not worried about it , cause back then she wasn't leaving for school , back then she was here with you all the time .
So that was my way , cause I did Tom school .
Right , cause that was my way of trying to help you and that was also like you know , so that's also reflected in like the time management and the balance , because that was me trying to say , okay , let me carry this load of parenthood solo for these couple of hours and give my wife some reprieve .
So yeah , but I mean , all in all , it's really about being intentional about the time you have with your partner , being intentional about the actions that you have in your marriage . We all go through those periods where it's like we start feeling disconnected .
You know you get in on my nerves , but it's not really you getting on my nerves , it's just because I love and miss you .
so much and .
I'm going through so much and I just want to be around you and we don't know how to get back to each other . You know what I mean . So that's why it's really important to communicate with your words no to myself Communicate with your words and communicate to your partner what it is that you're needing in the moment .
I feel like we say it like all the time , but if , like , every episode has been that , but it really truly is , like when you've been together with the person for so long , you have to get to a place where you don't feel like bad or selfish , communicating what you need and what you want .
And it's weird that you would think that you know , being 20 plus years in as we are , we wouldn't feel that way . But I understand Like we still feel that way , Like , okay , hold on , Let me not . Yeah , I'm doing the most Right by requesting time to myself . I'm doing the most .
Especially when I see that you've done all this and you're doing like you know , like I said , like I've seen that you've put in 60 hours this week , but nonetheless I still had an attitude like okay . And you didn't care .
And I still need time to , and because you , for the most part , have always been good about that , it's like , it's almost like , for lack of better verbiage , I get spoiled because it's when you don't , when you don't then I'm like okay , sir look here sir , I'm gonna need some time
¶ Communication Issues in a Marriage
.
As a husband and a father , I've realized that I have spoiled my daughter and my wife , and it's my fault . I'll spoil them . They're spoiled .
It is what it is , but I , like you know , like I want to be spoiled more in time . But now that I know that I have a date to look forward to with my hunt buns , this is gonna cancel .
You keep calling me home , I'm canceling .
So excited .
I'm gonna call . I'm a callable friend . It's gonna be a voice trip . You keep calling me home . Let me know voice trip .
Okay , so let's move it along into one of my new favorite segments .
What is it , babe ?
Hour Two Cents .
Okay .
Reaction time . All right guys .
Yes , on your side .
Here we go . Problem alert need input . I'm a very outspoken wife who has a very , very outspoken husband , although our backgrounds are like night and day . I'm country , he's street . I admit I'm rough with my words . I will say what I'm thinking and at times it's not a soft delivery .
On several occasions I have said to my husband , and I quote you need a much younger wife to match your interests and temperament and I'm not . And I'm not , or I need to be more gentler with my husband and my approach she says gentler , yes , yes , that started World War 1000 . Backstory lots of content between us for several years of discord .
I believe in being direct with words and my opinions , thoughts .
I would say to her that she needs to understand that as his woman , you can either speak positively or negatively to him .
I will say , like you understand , like you can come to me with a problem or a situation and you can deliver a message to me in a way where I will 100% receive it and not feel like I'm being attacked or not feel like I have to get defensive .
So it seems like to me like she's bringing her concerns and they're most likely valid concerns but a lot of times , just how like women don't just like how women want the message to be relayed in a soft way , so it's not harsh .
You have to learn how to relay a message to your partner in a manner in which they can receive it , so that that varies by personality , right ? Sometimes you know , sometimes I mean not to be vulgar , but sometimes you got to . You got to . You know you got to wrap the shit in honey .
You attract more bees with honey .
You got to wrap the shit with honey . I'm just saying , like , sometimes you have to the delivery and it's not like , and sometimes like don't say . You know , a lot of times when you come with a complaint and it's you know , you do this , you do that , it's going to .
It's when you point start with you , it's automatically going to be negative because as a man , I'm saying now she complained about something I do . I can't do shit right , it's always a problem .
But if you address it with like you know , babe , I would like for you to do this instead of that , I would really appreciate it if you would do this Like , if you would start , if you would start your concerns with I instead of you .
It's more likely , it's easier to be received and you're most you're more likely to get what you want out of that conversation .
Right , and when you have two headstrong people , it's going to end in , it's always going to end in conflict and conflict because , like I always said , when it comes to relationships , doesn't matter what type of relationship it is , whether it's husband , wife or friends , right , it's give and take and at some point , even if we don't agree with what's happening , we
have to agree to disagree , or someone has to succeed , Like I always say . Like , for instance , I'm like my best friend . You know , mcfly right , we don't agree on everything , but we both have the attitude of okay , this is more important to him than it is to me , so I'm a secede , okay , it is what it is , you're right .
I'm wrong , I can live with it , right . So I also apply that to us , like sometimes , like we have an argument or disagreement and I can see it way . It means way more than you what it means to me , and I'm like , okay , that's fine . So like with the whole , with them both being headstrong , like somebody has to succeed , right .
And I also feel like if she felt like he was , if she feels like he's worthy enough to be her husband and to be a leader , she needs to be with him and trust his judgment . Because why would , why did you marry him if you don't trust him ?
Right , agreed . I would say first thing for me is don't be shooting out empty threats . First thing I would say when you make statements like I , tell him things like you need a much younger wife to match your interest if he was to go outside your marriage and go with you . Be hottest fish grease . You would not fish grease .
Okay , right , kevin deep fry catfish .
You will be hot as fish grease . So first things first . Let's not make empty threats , that's just like making . I was doing what you're doing , that's just like you know , using the divorce word . If you do not mean it , don't use things like that .
You should be very mindful and how you interact with your partner and throwing out empty threats or saying things to like purposely hurt them , or saying things to get a reaction out of them .
Not good .
It's not good . And if you , if you f around here and get the reaction that you're looking for . You're not going to be happy about it . So , I don't know what you think you gain from throwing out empty threats or making empty statements or taking little jabs . You know making comments like that .
Second thing I'm pretty sure it was not new to the both of them that they were the complete opposite , that he was a little bit more street , she was a little bit more country , and I'm sure that's what attracted them both to each other . She enjoyed the little rougher side probably of him and he enjoyed the sweet country girl country girl .
Right , exactly , but you know , I don't know how long they were together before they got married or anything like that , but what I what I have seen is usually nine times out of 10 , the things that you saw before you married somebody were there , like the red flags were there , the dislikes were there . All of that stuff was there prior to marriage .
But a lot of people have this idea that marriage fixes things . They have this idea that once we get married it's not going to bother me as much .
Once we get married and he understands that he is my husband , he is going to acquiesce to my demands , he is going to straighten up , he is going to be the man that I have in my mind , that I have envisioned in my mind . He is going to be that man once I say I do .
I always say that marriage is like a purchase date , like a street release date , like the item is not going to change on this date , it's just when it's released , right ? So I mean it's the same thing before you purchase it off the shelf .
And you got to realize that when you enter into a relationship or a situation or whatever it may be , you have to understand that take that person for who they show you , because people are who they are . You just have to pay attention .
Okay , fair enough , all right , next one .
¶ The Challenges of Dating in Marriage
Another one .
Why did you stop dating your wife ?
Many reasons .
Okay , my husband doesn't make dating a priority in our marriage , despite my years of asking him to . So I'm curious to the husbands why do you stop dating your wife ?
Well , to this . It could be a multitude of reasons , you know , good or bad . I'm going to just start with the good ones , Right , the good reasons . Right , Like you said , life there's not enough funds to provide . Now , I get it . A lot of women are comfortable with coffee dates , movie dates , picnics , little , you know , in this sense of things .
But a lot of men don't see it that way , Right ? One another Another thing is is that he's you're not putting him in the headspace to want to date . You Like , if you're causing him unrest or or you know , headaches or whatever the case may be , and you're affecting his mood , negativity , he's not in the headspace to do that , Right .
And then , a lot of times it's just , we get lost in the day to day life . You know what I'm saying . It's like , like this week , it's like what , what us ? I didn't really comprehend until Thursday , like , oh crap , I really haven't did anything with her . This week it is Thursday . It's like so a lot of times life just beats you down .
So it's not that we always just don't want to date our wives . A lot of times we have situations outside where it makes it incapable of dating our wives .
Yeah , I think , going back to my favorite word , being intentional . You have to be intentional when you're dating and you're in the dating phase . You're very intentional about the things that you do . You're intentional about calling me during the day .
You're intentional about taking me out on the weekends because you want to spend more time with me , because you're courting me .
You're intentional about Macking your butt every time you pass me .
Doing things like showing you get physical affection . You're intentional about showing your interest in me Right In the courting stage , in the dating stage . You are intentional about those things because it's new , it feels good , you want to portray to me like I want you to know girl , like I'm thinking you to one .
You know what I mean , so I'm going to pull out my best stops . Then , when you get the one , and then you start building a life together . You get married , you have children , you get a career .
Best of children .
You start building a life by All of those different things start coming into play , and now you don't have the tunnel vision that you did before to just focus on the goal , which was obtaining her , and now you have so many other things that are tunneled vision to maintain all that you have built together .
So you start to lack the intention behind dating your wife . But the same thing can be true about keeping your husband interested and attracted , right . So when you first started dating and he was courting you , you were also intentional about how you looked . You were intentional about the perfume you wore . You were intentional about the shoes you wore .
You kept his attention .
You kept his attention . You were intentional about the conversations you wanted to cultivate with him , because you wanted to make sure that he was able to see different facets of you , so that you could make yourself more appealing . Because you also thought that he was a good catch . You knew , or thought that he was going to be a good provider .
He had his head on straight . He was going to be a good husband . He was going to be a good father . We do all of those things because , for lack of better terms , we're trying to catch one another right .
I'm trying to make myself as appealing to you as possible so that you choose me right , because I know that being connected to you is going to benefit me in some way , and vice versa for you .
You are going to do your best to make sure you stand out so that you get the opportunity to take my hand in marriage and have me as your wife , because there's something in me that you see , whether it be , I think she could be a good mother , or she's a really great caregiver , or I feel like she's going to be your great wife .
This is the dynamic between man and woman . But you have to go back to having the intention and just like it's his responsibility to be intentional about dating you , it's your responsibility to be intentional about keeping your husband interested .
It's like your grandma always say the same thing that got your baby hooked , the what ? The same thing to hook you baby , same thing to take to keep you baby , something like that .
But I would always say this the life of a man , a good man I'm not saying all these bulls are like that , but the life of a good man like these bulls , a life of a man that values his family , who values his wife , who values his kids and wants the best for them . It is a hectic life because you're constantly thinking about the well-being of your family .
You're not always thinking about the feelings of your family . You know what I mean . Yeah , so I'm constantly thinking okay , does my family have what they need ? Do they have ? Do they ? Can they get the things they want ? Are they safe ? Are they provided for ? I'm not always thinking how does my wife feel today ? Like , does she miss me ?
Or how does my daughter feel today ? How does she miss me ? I'm more concerned with do they have what they need ? Are they safe where they are now ? Am I providing everything I can now ? And then . So as a man , we're thinking about protection and provision first , like that's the first thing as a good man , not a bulls up .
You're thinking about protection and provision first , and then you think about feelings , then you associate the feelings of that .
But once you have to cover your basis first , and so a lot of times , like , I catch myself and I'm like , okay , and I'll just let you know , okay , I haven't been , I haven't been speaking to my wife's love languages , right , I can acknowledge that .
And a lot of times , like I've said before , like a lot of times I don't pick up on stuff until you stop doing stuff . I'm like hold on , let me think about it . Okay , right , so this is how things moving .
So a lot of times I'll call you like hey , you should get a package tomorrow , and I just surprise her with something , like , hey , I got you something , whatever the case may be . Or hey , I did , I got this plan for us , whatever .
Like a lot of times , as a man , it's not that we don't want to date you , it's that that sometimes that's the farthest thing on our minds , because we're working so hard to provide and make sure that you have the things that you need and that sometimes , in providing the physical things that you need , we lack in providing you the emotional things you need .
So I mean , that's just being a man .
All right . In a word , it's a very good , very good .
In the words of Uncle Shay I'm not going to be the bigger man .
Bye .
I'm not . I'm not turned no sheet .
¶ Promoting Social Media for Life After I Do
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