Leading Together

So you create , essentially like a Like for the lack of better verb , each a safe space for me , right , hey guys , and welcome back to another week of life after I do podcast . I am your host , nisha G , and I am here yet again with my one and only forever co-host .

We've had to rearrange some homework stuff so that she could make sure that , you know , the important stuff is done , like schoolwork , studying and all that stuff , so that she could have more time to practice .

So that's what we've pretty much been consumed with for the week and then just you know , my weekly household errands and just trying to stay on top of things . I still have a ton of laundry to do Before tomorrow , so once we're done pardon , I'm gonna go back to doing laundry , cuz laundry is like something that's never ending .

Can't stop , don't stop , no , no , if I don't recognize , we can't we can't so yeah , so that's pretty much hide the time they love her oh okay , I . Don't , I don't even know what to say to that . Okay , so anyway , we're gonna be diving into something that is pretty much like a hot topic . I feel like this is always a hot topic .

It's a continuous hot topic . Half the press it's . It's just one of those things that between the sexes , it's what do they call it like the , the , the battle , sexes , the battle of the sexist types thing , type things . And for me , I get I can understand why , especially in today's climate , but I also can't really understand why .

If that makes sense , I don't know . But we're gonna do our best to kind of delve into it and give our two cents and , yeah , we're just gonna kind of hop right into it . So today we're gonna be talking about submission and leadership . Submission and leadership in your submit to me baby .

Submission and leadership in your marriage and like what that looks like for different people , how that's perceived today . Some of the bigger comments that I've heard regarding submission especially on social media , especially with Just today's like idea about relationship and how relationships are in marriage it's it's pretty interesting and I can understand why .

It's also one of those things that's like a button pusher for a lot of people you know , so Okay .

Okay , leadership is about guiding , protecting and providing for your partner , while fostering mutual respect and trust . Okay do you agree ? I agree that's , that's the . I agree that's the census of it all .

Because I think that's kind of what it comes down to especially Hold on , just especially when it comes to like women About submitting to a man . It's like you're not gonna have control over me .

I felt like when you are in the leadership role and you have someone that is submitting to you , you have the most to lose because it's , at the end of the day , it's your reputation , your reputation , and you know your , your name on the line , like you have submitted to me , and now I am responsible for every aspect of your life .

So your , my success is your success and your success is my success . But I am the driving force behind that . So it's my responsibility To make sure that the things are in place so that you can be successful in your endeavors and in your ventures . So everything , at the end of the day , falls on me .

So , whether it's if something's not able to be paid , if something's not able to get done , if something gets missed , if something is lost , it's on me because , as being the leader and as you being my submission of life , it is my job to provide you with the necessary tools and resources to then , um , execute what needs to be executed in the relationship .

But it all starts and ends with me . If I'm not providing , are protecting , are , are securing you in any way or any way , shape , form of action , then I am the one that is telling you're not going so then , then back to the question Would you say , who would you say has Basically the the advantage , like who has , who gains more ?

Now they have the , the burning of making sure things run properly , you know , because it's like if I'm giving you all the keys to success , but the machine where you're providing with resources and the machine ain't turning properly and it's clanking and the transmission ain't got fluid . Right , you know , now that's on you , because I provided you everything .

So I'm saying , as the leader , as your husband , as your husband , as your confidant , I am providing you with X , y and Z . I expect A , b and C to be done with these resources Now . If we get to the point to where we need a , V , r and a , D to be done now , we can sit down and we can discuss the way you put the . Right together .

Now we can sit down and discuss what needs to be done to make us accomplish that . But if I'm doing my part and now you're not living up to your part , then it's like okay , well , what are you doing ? Because you're not leading up , you're not living up to the expectation .

And then me being your wife and being in that supportive role and trying to be that supportive partner and still trying to be solution oriented , I still have to aid you and essentially keep you up so that you can do what needs to be done for the family .

Do we have circumstances sometimes where I feel like I'm not really being heard Absolutely , because we have had discussions like that where I'm like , okay , well , this is how I feel about it and I really feel like you're not taken into consideration .

But you've always also been really good , like I said a couple of pods ago , about trying to show me the pros and the cons . Right , and it's not that you're not trying to take my counsel . It's just that , like you say , sometimes there's some things that you can't see , that I can't advise .

Versa , there are some things that I can foresee , as my intuition and relying on my female intuition , that you cannot see . And in those spaces , that is where I cover you and that is where I take care of you and I become that helpful partner . And it's that give and take . You know what I mean .

So , instead of looking at it as when I'm on social media and this is what I hear . I pay my own bills , I take care of my kids . I can do this and I can do that . Hey , yes , of course , but it's like , if you're in relationship , if you're in marriage , I don't think that it was intended for you to take on all of those things by yourself , right

? And in order for things to run and northing , for things to be functional , somebody has to essentially have like the final say , even if it's something that we've discussed together . Somebody has to make a decision to say this is what's going to happen .

People need to take that into consideration when the person in the leadership role makes a decision , because as a leader , I understand that the outcome of this decision , whether good or bad , it's going to be on me .

So a lot of times when we're having a discussion about something and you want to go right , I want to go left , and I'm like I can't really see it , but left is looking really really good to me and it's like , okay , well , we're just going to go left .

It falls on me because , even when it's your decision as a leader , I have to understand that I allowed your decision to be final and during the process of allowing your decision to be final , I am now responsible for your decision . That's also the dynamic between the decision and the leadership .

Oh , I think it was on Crew Season Shots Out to them Love their Podcast , but they were talking about when something goes wrong in a relationship , when something goes wrong in a marriage . They don't look at the woman to be like , oh , what did she do ? The first thing they say is what did he do ? What happened , what ? You know what ?

I mean , like what was going on in their relationship ? What did he do ? How did he mess up ? Immediately , it's like a default back on to the man Because , regardless , if people believe in submissive and leadership roles or what have you , as a society we naturally view men as , like , the leaders , the caretakers . You know what I'm saying .

You're just always going to be viewed that way . I don't think we're ever going to get away from the idea that men are not meant to be leaders or looked up , as you know , as leaders .

So I think that kind of takes me into why communication is so important in the dynamic of someone who's going to be the leader and someone who's going to be , you know , the submissive . In our dynamic , overall , you are the leader right , but that doesn't mean that I don't have aspects of our relationship where I lead right .

So , like in home , I lead our home , as in the operations of our home .

And in those instances we had to have a lot more conversations as to what's going to happen , like who's cooking dinner , like what . I feel like it wasn't necessarily like sit down conversations , but it was kind of like an understanding of planning out our week .

You know , like on Saturday I'm going to take care of the downstairs and like clean up , and then you can take care of the upstairs and clean up , and it was like trying to split everything as much as we could .

It's pretty clear you go outside and you take care of everything that's essentially external to the home and I stay inside and I take care of everything that's essential to the interior of the home .

In order to be in a leadership role , you have to be able to effectively communicate to your partner , who is submitting to you your needs , your desires and your concerns , so that we can have a better balance .

Just like for me , the person being in a submissive relationship , it's extremely important for me to express what my needs and my concerns are and what my desires are , because for me , I can look at it in a situation where , if anything was to go awry and we needed to split for whatever reason , like you said in the beginning , you provided resources for me .

Do you understand what I mean ? So it's like all the resources that I have access to you also have access to . If you wanted to be an ass at any point and try to withhold those resources , that would leave me out trying to figure out how I'm going to get something done so that I could walk away .

You still have your boundaries in place , you still have your limits right and , like I said before , like you were saying , like the desires and the concerns , the expectations , they have to come from both sides because you have to have a common ground . Like we said on the very first episode , you have to have a common ground , you have to have a basis .

Okay , well , this is the standard , this is what we both expect , this is the standard , and then we build from there . And when you have that , that makes falling into those roles a lot more easier and a lot more comfortable for each person , right , because now we have an understanding , we have a bond , we have we built this thing up to now .

I can trust you to be the submissive wife I need .

You can trust me to be the leadership husband that you need and you can trust that my decisions are not decisions based solely on what I need , but are decisions based on what's best for the unit , for the family unit , and I can also trust in that the things you do and how you move it's best for the family unit .

You're doing the little things that take pressure and weight off of me so that I can go out here and further try to build our , our family up .

You know , leave , leave home , going from home 16 , 17 hours a day , right , but you know that I'm out there doing what's required of me , because every time you need something , the resources are there . Every time you want to get something or we need something , the resources are there .

If our daughter needs something or she wants to do something , the resources is there . So your submission to me is saying okay , well , when this man comes home , I'm going to have him some food , I'm going to have his lunch packed , I'm going to do his laundry , I'm going to make sure , you know , I leave him the notes . I'm going to .

You know , I'm going to do these little things to take the little pressures off his life . Like the whole thing , like , like what you do . Like , okay , I'm going to have my friends come over visit me , but , okay , my husband about to be home some day ago . You know , what I'm saying , it's little things like that .

to connect . When you know , between that , that's submission , that's that's submission . You call me hey babe , I'm at the store , you anything in particular this week . Or hey babe , I'm at so-and-so , you need anything from here .

So I'm not just because I'm mad at you right now or we're going through whatever . I'm not going to neglect your needs , right , because , at the end of the day , I'm still responsible .

We go through our things where I'm like you're just not the most popular person in my contact list at this point , but at the end of the day I'm still going to cook you dinner . I'm still going to make sure you have lunch the next day .

You know , I'm still going to do all of the things that I have taken on as my end of the bargain right , because when we start dropping our obligations to each other , then that's when things really can start getting a little , getting a little murky . Like you , you still have to have respect . You still have to try to live up to your obligations .

Hold up your end of the bargain . Focus on your end of the bargain , regardless of what's happening , because once that starts to break down , the dynamic starts to break down and then the communication starts to break down and then every it's just like a domino effect . You know what I mean . So that's why the communication part has to be really , really important .

Like you're never going to not hear me talk about communication , because it really , really , really is vital to your relationship . For me , what your leadership looks like and what I have expressed as a need being under you know , your leadership , aside from the financial , it's the emotional security , it's the like , the protection , both physically and mentally .

It's , you know , the , the protective , the provision , the all of that . Like I expect that you still make time for me , even if you've worked 60 hours this week . I don't expect there to be this big long , drawn out like date night , but I expect for you to carve out some time . That is for me , doesn't matter if you worked 60 hours or 70 hours .

That is a need , that is an expectation on my part that we get some time together . And I know that . I know that's challenging , it's extremely challenging .

Like you come home at night sometimes and it's like all you want to do is like go straight to sleep and it's like , even though I've had a rough day , I want to lay down with you , but I also want to tell you about my day and I also want to have some type of interaction with you .

So I know that can be difficult , but the fact that you still try to at least carve out 20 minutes laying down or , you know , an hour looking at something with me , that's important , because that is , that's a requirement . For me , that's almost like a non-negotiable .

But when I talk , when I think about like even just even , just small things , even just small things , when something goes like wrong in the house or something breaks or something in the house , for me I don't even think it depends on what it is , but I don't even really think about like , oh , let me try to fix this .

I'll be like I'm going to go ahead and put it on his honeydew list . He can go ahead and fix that . If it's something that's like really small or whatever around the house and I can take care of it , I'll take care of it . But if not , then I know that , like To my man , thank you to my man .

I wanna know what small that you've taken care of , because I you know , like some small , like if a screw came out of a chair or something . You know like some small , okay , like some small

, but like . Another prime example for me is what we just had a discussion about last night about the gas right , the gas in the car . So you know , he's gotten me to a point where I legit stop looking at the gas hand in my car because my car always has gas .

He would have a routine where he would get up before work and he would drive , you know , five exits away from the house because apparently , you know , sam's club is that much cheaper , and he would go and he would fill my car up .

He would come back home , he would leave for the gym , come back , get ready for work , you know , and he had this whole routine . So I always had gas in my car .

On the very few occasions where I didn't have gas in the car or I noticed I didn't have gas in the car , he'd be like your car doesn't have gas and I'm like okay , well , cause you didn't go put any gas in there , like , but he'll be like but you should still have gas because I get . What did you tell me ? I get your gas on Sundays and Thursdays .

I get your gas on Sundays and Thursdays because I gotta get it there .

And so if I get in your car and it's like your car doesn't have gas , why didn't you tell me your car needed gas before you know it's regular scheduled timing to go get gas and I would tell him like because the car usually always has gas Like I don't , I don't understand .

for me and our family , and that stems from the dynamic that we have cultivated in this time in our relationship , through our communications and communicating what we need , what we want , what we desire . I think at the core of any type of submissive rule , there has to be like respect as well , right ?

So , since you're looked at as the overall leader of the house , not only do you deserve respect , I demand it . Oh my gosh , I can't with you . Not only do you require respect , not only as the leader , as my husband , as a man in general , respect always is mutual , always , always . Respect is like non-negotiable it has to be a two-way street . Right .

So when we're having discussions about things that can impact our family or impact our life or whatever , and I'm coming to you with an opposing point or something , my point should still be respected , whether you agree with it or not .

And I think , with this type of dynamic , that can be a fear for a lot of people , most particularly women , who are gonna be in the submissive role where they feel like they don't have a say or they feel like their words are not gonna be respected or they're not like .

You know , that they can't actively participate in the decision-making of their house , of their world , of their life , and that should be far , far from the truth .

In all actuality , the way I like to see it is that sometimes I feel like I feel like sometimes I might have more control , right , because I am the partner that's like , I am like the helpmate , I am helping you get to a point of resolve , right , and I know that my words and I know my advice heavily influences you , right .

So , yeah , you might be the one to make the final say .

Now I'm not gonna fall on my sword for some dumb shit , but I will fall on the sword to make sure that my family has what they need and that they are protected and safe . Yep .

So , like just like earlier when you talked about , or when I had said , that I put gas in my car last week and one day you packed your lunch right , that's the flexibility of it all , because even though we still have defined roles and we are right now we're operating from a very traditional place , that doesn't mean that it can't be flexible .

That doesn't mean that I'm going to take on some of your responsibilities and you're gonna take on some of mine .

So now we had to adapt to a new schedule . So now it's like all right , now we were three people in the house and it's somehow the youngest one in the house has a little rough schedule , like I don't know how her schedule dictates what we do , you know all the time .

So , like you know , we had , we had set days where we , okay , on this day we would , we're gonna do this on that , like , and then she became of age is okay .

Well , now we have to adapt , because now we can't have the regular schedule program anymore , because now we have , like , if she has a full schedule , she's , you know , she's a whole person , would , you know , would have so many friends , as she says .

I think that the more sure that more traditional roles that they're just working for us right now , it just makes things a little bit more easier .

There's not any type of confusion as to who should be doing what you know primarily , or who should not be doing what primarily , but also being able to Be more in tune with your partner to know when your partner also needs help , or for you to step in and say , hey , you know she can't do this right now , so I'm gonna go ahead and do it .

Or vice versa , he can't do this right now , so I'm gonna go ahead and do it .

You have to be adaptable and flexible within your relationship because if you , if you just simply like , for instance again last week when you were packing your lunch while I was making breakfast , you could have very well just went and sat at the table and waited for your breakfast and assumed that your lunch was also Already packed or it was gonna you know it

was gonna get packed . But if I would have packed your lunch after I had made the breakfast , then you probably wouldn't have gotten out on time . You know what I mean .

You know so , even though it's not anything , that was our normal routine . Where we saw , or where you saw , where you could pick up a little bit of my slack , you , you stepped in Same thing , like with my gas , when I was out running errands and then the little light flashed at me . I had enough miles to get back home .

I could have just drove back home and then would have been like , hey , just so , you know my car needs gas . But instead I was like , okay , well , he's not gonna be home until 10 o'clock tonight , anyway , and he's , he's got to go to the gym in the morning .

I'm just gonna stop and put gas in my car , because I'm also not Handicap and I'm not also not above putting gas in my car . It's just . It's just . This is not a by why ? because when I'm with my husband , my wrist is broken . That's what I always tell him .

I'm like when I with my husband , my wrist is broken but I'm not above putting gas in my car or picking up you know , picking up your slack or if you need help , or whatever , because that's just our dynamic .

The , the rules just make it Easier for the day-to-day , but we both have a very good understanding to know that it does not Mean that we can't or our rules won't bleed over into each other , right , right ?

But now I'm in a situation to where , hey , I'm working , yeah , I can't get there in time . I need you to go do this for me . And so I was like that's another example how like you had to be , you know .

You know flexible and adapt to something that you normally wouldn't do , even though you call it like two or three times , and make sure that you had the right accounts . I was .

I think another point that's really important in a dynamic of submission and leadership is ensuring that each party feels empowered . I think that also goes along with respect , maybe , but allowing each person to feel empowered in their role .

Like you said earlier , my submission to you looks like my trust , like the trust that I have in you that can allow you to feel empowered , to say I'm in control of my family , I have you know , I have the final say , I know what your direction we're going and I have someone who's not going to give me so much pushback that it makes my job hard to do .

You create a space in my life that allows me to have Time with my child , that allows me to make our house a home , that allows me to explore , like , hobbies and things that I didn't have time for when I was as equally outside of the house . So you create , essentially like a Like for the lack of better verbiage a safe space for me . Right ?

You create space so that I can have Space in my life . Does that make sense ? Yeah , so I feel like that's how you empower me and I'm and I'm grateful for that and I'm happy that I can do that for you . Appreciate it , you know , and and the thing is is like this dynamic , like I always say , works for us now .

It may not work for us in the next year , it may not work for us in the next two years , but right now , in this space , it works and we have a better flow .

I feel like we have a better understanding , I feel like there's not much Confusion , I feel like tempers don't run as high Not to mean that we still don't have stressors or that we deal with stress or you know things that come up just being married , um , but I think , as far as dynamics go , I I like this dynamic more than I thought .

I would like this dynamic Because this is something that you have wanted for a while .

You know what I mean because I have a night . I had an idea of what it would be like being a stay-at-home parent and , first of all , nothing like I thought it was . Second of all , a lot harder than I thought it was . It is .

I'm like oh , I got it , like yeah , and there's like wait , hold on I gotta cover this too , you know so I mean it's which ? stuff . I mean it was nice . I mean I mean we , we get , we do pretty well for us , we made it .

Now , in this season , it might be different , like next year , because I've expressed to you how many times the where I was like I think maybe it's time for me to go back to work , maybe I want to go back to work , like I have moments where I'm like I think you , everybody , everybody , want to go to work .

I give him his coffee , he has his breakfast , we have our conversations , blah , blah , blah , and then you're getting ready to walk out the door and I'm like still there in my pajamas , trying to walk you to the door , and I'm like I want you to have the greatest day .

saying . So I think that's why we both have done a good job in growing into the roles we had because , like I said before , at the beginning it was it was new . It was new to us , you know , and it was very new to you .

Because at the beginning , when you know with us , you know , being in the pandemic and her , her still being young , it's like y'all , y'all used to sleep till like noon , Right , and .

I'm up at like four in the morning , like yo , like this is disrespectful , like I got to get up at four , I got to go to work , then I got to , we were spread out like this Then I got to swing by the store before I come home , because we're not leaving the house .

I didn't let you guys with house , because you know COVID and all that stuff and I was like like we were legit in the house it was me and two other , my two other friends and all of our husband's jobs were essential .

That's legit how it was . But us , like the wives and the kids , we stayed in the house . Our husbands had a central job so they did all of the going back and forth , so we was just at home like kicking it and I was still working from home , a little bit like that . First 11 months or so I was working .

And then , once I made the decision to not go back , I quickly realized that , being the primary parent in the household after that first year , I said , ok , naboo , this is not vacation , we don't have to put some schedules in place , we go .

Because , like I quickly realized , like we're all that hard work of being a stay at home parent and being the primary parent came in after that first year , I was like , oh hell , no , and that's what I'm talking about .

A lot of selflessness , because you know , if there comes a time where you come home late and it's like I mean , you don't normally eat after four , but if you come home late and all of a sudden you want something to eat , there is food there and it's like if I'm asleep I will still get up and go downstairs and warm you up some food , like I don't have

to work on you working , warming up the particular , like if I came in at like 11 , like I need .

However , the rules look in your relationship Right , but those things are going to be really key . You have to be able to communicate with your partner what your wants are , what your needs are , what your desires are , what you require . Especially if I'm going to submit to you and be under your leadership , I have to ensure my protection .

That's essentially what it is . You have to make sure that I am protected , but I have to ensure my protection somehow . So I have to make my needs very clear to you , just like you have to make your needs very clear to me and in between that , the dynamic may change , and that's where the flexibility and adaptability come in at .

But essentially I have to ensure that I still have a say and that I still feel empowered , just as you do .

Life After I Do podcast with Nisha G and Molitho Big Roach . You can follow him on Instagram and TikTok and Molitho .