Gaslit

It's not coming from a place to manipulate or invalidate your feelings . It's coming from a place of . We're genuinely trying to have a discussion about this topic so that we can arrive at a solution , but I'm telling you , on the road to the solution , what you're suggesting right now . It doesn't align with my belief .

It doesn't align , and that's the thing too , and then I'm going to submit my points with facts and feelings .

Yeah , what you think are facts yes , hey , everybody , welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do . I'm your host , nisha G , and I'm here with my husband when he's done , when he's done .

Molito .

Hi , hey .

Booskis , you remember when you called me ?

Hey there lonely girl .

You don't even listen to oldies like that .

Yes , I oh my god your oldies are stuff that's made in 97 I don't understand why you always try to play my life as soon as the camera starts rolling it's really disrespectful actually who's I ? Don't know who sings it , but I've listened to it since I was a child who's the best old school group of all time ? I don't know , babe , temptations , the .

Whispers . I stand on that . Y'all can fight me over that .

Whispers got hits boy , how was your week ? Babe , the Whispers boy , how was your week ?

The Spinders are a close second . Oh gosh , the Spinders are a close second , but them Whispers . You say you love me lady . That's my shit , you know . That's how you know my stuff , because I play it . That's how you know it Really .

I have a mother who was born in 1964 . Your mother was playing . Those are her oldies , I listen to them on a regular basis .

Your mother was playing Betty White and Millie Jackson .

How was your week , Maurice ? You know what I'm saying . How was your week , Maurice ?

You know what I'm saying . How was your week , baby Lil Marvin ?

Gaye , how was your week ? You know five songs , little Charlie West .

You want to battle . How was your week ? My week was good until just now . Oh , just now , when my wife , who swore to love , honor and cherish , goodbye , goodbye , the vows that she doubled down on last week .

Listen here . I stayed out of the steel mill this week . I don't know why if you listen to last week's episode you'll know .

I don't know why you could go you don't know what that's about . I'll go back , so I get a paycheck .

You wouldn't get anything .

No , I would . I get the money .

What money ?

From your paycheck .

Goodbye , anyway , how was your week , babe ?

My week was good .

Any highlights Lowlights .

My last day of work Lights when I clocked out the final time this week . That was my highlight Right and my low light was when I clocked in for the first time .

Oh man , it's nice to clock out though . Huh Like feeling like you get a break , like the break part .

I'm so sick of this stay-at-home mom routine . You act like you're struggling so hard .

First of all , I never said that , I was just merely like let me I clocked out for my regular job oh , okay .

I never clock out being a husband and a father except when you need a nap no , that was a break .

That was break time okay , except for when you need a break the law says I get a break .

And it wasn't really a break because she was up to her dad . Dad , this happened . Dad Dad , can you do this ?

Okay . So first you had set her up with the game and then I didn't know how to get back to the game . So I was like you got to go ask your dad and I knew you hadn't fallen asleep yet . So I was like hurry up and ask him before he actually like dozes off and go to sleep .

But you gotta say she busted .

I know she barges through the door she busted her door like she 5-0 .

She busted her . What ? Mommy just wants her headphones and she looking at me as she walk . She walking , looking at me and I'm like , get the damn headphones . That's why I'm going to lock this goddamn door . Y'all doing them . I'm just trying to get a couple minutes of sleep .

Must be nice .

Must be nice ,

That's from the night . We were still in slumber from the night .

That's the cold bar . When I got out of the bed , she realized I wasn't next to her , no more , because she was emitting , you know , a 1000 degree Celsius heat off her body . Kelvin , I'm sorry , Kelvin is the word I was looking for . And so when she realized I wasn't there , she said and she went and cuddled with you . I said I don't care .

And then when I got up she turned over . She was like good morning mom . I said I don't care . I said you shouldn't be in my bed . And then when I got up she turned over . She was like good morning Mom .

I was like good morning . She was like , can you get me some breakfast ?

And then she went back to sleep . She just be talking on her ass . Yeah , but the first thing she did ask for when she actually woke up , when I were on your way back home , she was like did dad have to go to work today ?

And I was like no , why does she ?

care , she was asleep . I was like no , she was like okay , good .

She was knocked out .

That girl was knocked out .

She was tired . I woke up and Like when we got home yesterday we were tired because I didn't realize like we were gone from 10 to like 6 30 .

Really , how was your week , babe ? How was your week ? You're looking good with this lipstick on . I like it .

Thank you , I got something for you later .

My week was it doesn't matter how your week was Jabroni . I can't stand you . Yeah , jabroni , my week was okay . Jabroni , I can't stand you yeah .

Jabroni , my week was okay . Actually it was uneventful , just trying to get ready for all the things that's coming up .

Oh , my God .

The playdates are starting to roll in , oh my . God , the text messages are starting to come through .

Oh , my God .

Yeah , so you know that's where I'll be at the gym , the studio , a park .

Somebody else's house . Somebody else's house or the pool . Sounds like fun , sounds like cocktails and there's no cocktails involved . Sharkoochie boards .

Bye . There's no cocktails involved . No , but I did . I did get back to like working out this week .

So that was good . I got a great workout for you .

I know .

Hands on your knees , knees like Megan Bye .

Knees . Like Megan , I'm not doing this with you today , but yeah , my week was pretty good . Nothing really too eventful , just enjoying summer break , enjoying the kid Wait y'all get breaks , trying to keep her busy .

Wow , y'all get breaks . What's that like ?

It's like when you take four-hour naps in the middle of the day .

I was tired . Don't come to me .

It's like when you take four-hour naps in the middle of the day , uninterrupted .

I wasn't uninterrupted I didn't even know when you were asleep .

You were uninterrupted I was .

That's what it's kind of like .

I was knocked because I don't know what it's like to take a four-hour nap in the middle of the day , like the mid , like the the bulk , like in the middle .

Look here uninterrupted for nine months out of the year , interrupted nine months out of the year she's at school . That's crazy . From 7 40 , from 7 30 to 2 o'clock .

If you come home and go to sleep at a 10 okay , you can get , you know that does not work and I have tried , I have tried . We have literally had this conversation before don't get mad at me .

Your brain treats you bad .

Really , because my brain treats me bad . Okay , goodbye , I'm not doing this Anywho . Yeah , but other than that , on a scale of 1 to 10 , I give it a solid 7 .

That's low .

A 7 ? I think that's like solid .

I'm changing the rules .

The rules to what .

Because I feel like 7 is the number people give out when they just don't want to be mean .

I wouldn't be being mean to myself . I gave my personal week a seven .

It's just I don't like it . I say a seven because there's more I could have done . It doesn't matter , Jabroni .

But the things that needed to get done got done .

Oh , there's definitely more you could have done . We don't want to have that conversation really there is really definitely more really like what ?

huh , yeah , don't , don't , don't show your ass don't show your ass on this podcast , because you know you lose every single time you try to go up against me . It never works in your favor .

I won you . You're my wife , goodbye .

I cannot lose . You didn't win me .

I won your heart and that ass . Okay , anywho I worked this week I checked my time card 63 ?

Close . I know you worked 63 last week too .

This is ridiculous , it's really not . You worked 63 last week too . That's ridiculous . It's really not . Somebody need to give me a break .

Give me a break . Give me a break , okay , you what we got today .

Break me off a piece of that good , good bar . You ain't got no soul .

You said you didn't want a break . I said , babe , I'm going to tap in , but then when I tap in like you're gonna have to tap in on these dishes and tap in on this cleaning I can tap in .

I can tap in on on on dishes and cooking .

I can't do cleaning when I say dishes , the dishes is like the whole kitchen babe oh no , I'm not , I just work , I'm gonna work , I'm gonna work , I'd be like . Be like when you used to . You used to be like oh , I cleaned the kitchen . I'd be like , oh , okay . I'm going to wash the dishes , the dishes is washed , but then I look at the microwave .

I did . Sometimes I do , sometimes I do . I just try to make sure there ain't no dishes , because I know the dishes is the way it get on your nerves .

The dishes and the stove , just like when I took that picture and texted it to you , we got a stove , texted it to you this cat , okay , hold on y'all .

Hold on Now . You just triggered me , I triggered you .

Okay , we got to get into the topic and you're either boiling something or , if you're frying something , and we don't fry nothing here .

What are you talking about ? I ?

know , I'm just saying for context .

Okay .

If you're boiling something or frying something and how it starts popping or it spills out of the pan or something gets onto the stove . Right , this cat was boiling . I don't know what you were boiling , maybe it was the turkey necks or something for the cabbage , I don't know . I can't remember what he was boiling . But I go to look at the stove .

This is , and then his response was I didn't see it .

You absolutely did . You just didn't clean it .

Just be happy I cooked you a meal I don't see why you complain , because it does no good if it's your turn to cook look here it's your turn to cook and clean .

Obviously it defeats the purpose , otherwise I might as well just get in there and do it myself it's been rather warm lately and it's warm today .

you have a sweater on , so obviously your AC works .

My AC has always worked .

Your lights are on .

Uh-huh .

Your gas is on . You can wash your clothes . You can wash your ass in hot water . Yeah , I'm doing my part .

Goodbye .

Goodbye , you got smack noodles today .

Shout out to Smack Noodle City on Instagram . If you guys have not had Schmack Noodle City , their pad thai non-spicy . Are we plugging ?

people now I don't do spicy .

I just want to do that because it's my favorite . I don't mind that only because it's something I genuinely like .

So yeah , oh , okay , we shout out stuff we genuinely like .

Shout out to my wife Maurice . What we got today I'm so done with you . I'm so done with you . It's a video I want to read . I want , I can't . It's a video reaction . It's a video reaction for you , so I want you to take a listen and just , you know the usual business A gather , a gather .

Your partner I don't agree , I disagree . Stop telling your partner I don't agree , I disagree . That's gaslighting . You don't have to agree with your partner , but you must validate your partner . Validation I am making valid what you are feeling in this moment . I am validating in this moment your sadness . You see how that sounds versus .

You know that's the part that took me out and then talk about why you were smoking crack in the first place you know okay . So I know I okay for me , first go ahead . I don't . I know he . He says that that's gaslighting , like when you're in a discussion with your partner and you're like I don't agree , that's gaslighting for me .

I agree .

I don't constitute that as gaslighting . However , however , I can see how some might see it through that that lens . You know what I mean , but I personally don't see it as gaslighting , for one of the major reasons is I mean , you know me playing both sides . I mean , you know me playing both sides .

So you're saying the intent matters .

Oh , absolutely .

Always Okay .

Always , but , like I know , through discussions , like when we're having disagreements or something you've said that to me before Like I disagree or like I don't see it that way , or like we've had that discussion , but then the other side to that is the discussion of like I mean not the discussion , but having the empathy and the the strength to validate each

See , I have an issue with this Issue , with what A bunch of things .

Okay , let's run it down Right , give it to me .

So here's my thing I'm not saying he's wrong , I'm not saying he's right . I think it depends on it . I think it depends on the situation and it depends on the intent , and so my response is going to be coming from a person with good intent . Right Now .

But that's not for you to say .

Okay , hold on Okay .

But if we're talking about something where it factually what you're saying does not make sense , it is okay if if there's proven hardcore right .

If there's right right , because you've like , I can tell you up and down that you can . You can say right now , you can say that your lipstick is blue and cry about it when I tell you , no , it's red factually , your lipstick is red right now . I mean it's not . Majority of society would agree that it's red .

Factually , your lipstick is red right now . I mean majority of society would agree that it is red . But some parts of society will also say that it is blue .

Okay , whatever , you go ahead on me . So my thing is , I don't see that as gaslighting , because I feel like part of that depending on the circumstance and the situation part of that is that you're also telling the person to accept accountability for what you just did .

Okay , but you have to speak the facts , you have to speak to the facts , but not in the moment . So I think what he's saying in the clip is like to the moment .

Okay , so that I agree with In the moment .

It's important to validate emotionally .

Okay , here's the thing , See , and I don't know , people may think I'm an asshole for this In a moment . I feel like I have to validate your feelings in order for us to have an honest conversation later .

Like to get through what we're going through now so that we can actually talk about what we need to talk about .

I need you to get through whatever you're feeling now so we can get back happen when emotions are not running , so when emotions are not high and how we're going to proceed , moving forward okay , so that part I agree I do agree in the moment .

There's a lot of I do ?

I do agree with the fact that sometimes you need to let things settle down . Let's's just focus . Let's just focus , as he was saying , let's just focus on , like , the mental state .

The matter at hand right now .

Your mental matter at hand . So let's get you out of this situation . But then , after we're done with this situation , I'm going to ask you why you smoking crack Like Once I get you out the pool once .

I get you out the pool , then I'm going to ask Did you not see the sign Did ? You not see the sign Right ? That said no swimming after five .

But see , my problem is that it's hard to continue to do that when you come across situations to where you're always , because you have people out here who are very emotional .

Yeah .

And their emotions dictate their responses . Their reactions .

That's a human thing .

I understand that . Right , but they're overly emotional .

I'm talking about the overly emotional people right .

Where I'm talking about the people that you look at them without saying something . They'll start crying because they just , in their mind , they've made up what you're going to say right . So in those instances you got to address that in the moment , because you know , like I don't think , because you know like I disagree , that's fine . You can do it again .

Right .

You're just saying that I don't feel the same way about this as you .

And I think that's because you know me .

And I know you , and you know where that's coming from , and you know where that's coming from .

Stop it . And you know where that's coming from , that thing . You know where . Babe , stop you . Look good , I'm sorry . You know it's not coming from a place to manipulate or invalidate your feelings . It's coming from a place of .

It doesn't align , and that's the thing too , and then I'm going to submit my points with facts and feelings . Yeah , what you think are facts yes , I disagree . Points with facts and feelings yeah , what you think are facts , yes , I disagree .

You call that you think you slick . I mean , we've had some come on now . I feel like we've had some discussions where I was spitting what I thought was facts and you were like and then you were spitting what you thought were facts , and I was was like you tried it , though I had to be rabid .

You tried it , though you need to get the reference .

No , the rap reference .

Be rabid the rap reference .

Yes , the rap reference . I had to be rabid , you're going to get enough of underestimating me .

I don't mind being under you at all .

Goodbye , but yeah , so I think that is not a form of manipulation only because manipulation has , like you're trying to , or gaslighting . I'm sorry , gaslighting has manipulation in it is what I was trying to say Right , but you're gaslighting to get a reaction . Right right .

Or you're trying to manipulate them into believing something that you know not to be true , which is essentially trying to manipulate them into believing something that you know not to be true , which is like essentially trying to drive them crazy , right , and I've said this to a couple of friends Like no , you're being gaslit , yeah , like when you , from the outside ,

You're falling for it because they're getting a reaction out of you . They're making you second guess your feelings and your thoughts and your emotions .

And the thing is is that you're sitting here and you're letting your emotions take the best of you . You're letting your emotions blur the facts in front of you .

Yeah , yeah . And so I think when there is a form of gaslighting that's happening like if there is not the intent of it being genuine , and you do have somebody who's using that line of I , I disagree , I disagree , and then they're kind of like turning it back onto you and now making you second guess how you feel that that is gaslighting .

I just thought you know who's been gaslighting me recently don't , don't say our child all right , that's who , that's who it is . I've been wanting to smart , smart to kick this little child . Sometimes that's who , that's who it is . I've been wanting to smart , smart to kick this little child .

So she's not gaslighting you .

Yeah , she , she's very much in her child manipulation bag . She in her bag Cause she be tugging at my heartstrings and she's testing boundaries . And she's .

She's just trying to figure out the button .

She North Korea right now .

Okay , bye right now . Okay , bye , that's . That's what she is . Back back to the back to the subject right now . Back to the subject , and I'm about to launch these missiles . Um , yes , I do . I do agree from the perspective of using that statement .

What are your intellectual goodbye ? I can also see how he would say .

Through the scope . What are you intellectual Goodbye . I can also see how he is saying that it could be a form of gaslighting if the person is intentionally using it to manipulate and invalidate your feelings yes , and that's why I said the intent . That can be true .

Two things can be true at the same time and that's why I said the intent matters and that's why I said my response is coming from someone with good intent .

Yeah .

Right Now . If my intent is to , if my intentions are bad , yeah , I'm gaslighting you , Because I'm doing this for somewhat of my music and my satisfaction .

Or just to get out of it .

Right .

To make use . So here's my thing .

That works two ways . That wouldn't work for me because I'd be like those things ain't important . You're missing out on what's important to me , right ?

now . But that could be a form of manipulation , because then now that left the person feeling like , well damn , I'm not valid in the concern that I have and . I brought to him because you know he does do this and All I'm sitting here doing is complaining , and maybe I you know what I mean . Now , that is gaslighting .

Right and from what you're saying like that , to me that just sounds like a basic disconnect .

That's a big disconnect .

Okay right .

Because if that's the situation every time you go into a disagreement , that's not a disconnect , that's toxic and I hate to use like mainstream verbiage like that , but that's toxic .

Is it masculine toxicity ?

That's not a thing , but go ahead .

But , like I was saying , so that's a disconnect , and I was going to say a disconnect of huge proportion , right ? And a lot of times , like when it's that big , that's something that can't be fixed with a conversation .

That was good . I don't want to start no argument .

Right , so like , if I think about , like Just think of something random . Like the thing with the alarm clock right .

Okay , oh , you decided and that's what you leaned on .

Yes , alina , right , so it was like Not a good idea , right , I didn't want to start an argument , but at the same time , now in hindsight , I didn't convey to you just how big of a deal it was for me , right , right .

So it was kind of like my fault , but in the moment I felt like , hey , I've been dropping all these hints trying to get her to understand that I guess she just don't care . So that was so , that was yeah , because it's kind of like how men say we can't read your minds to women .

If you can text me and say who the hell is this ? Just comment on your Facebook post . You can re-chrome .

First of all , I have never texted you and asked you who commented on your Facebook post . Please don't get in front of the camera and lie in front of these people . Please don't do that . Don't do that . When have I done that ? I don't recall . Okay , I'll show you a text message , okay , show me because I don't remember but yeah , that's what I'm saying .

It's a disconnect .

Okay , so now my question to you would be you got a lot of questions . How do you okay ? So let's say you have a friend who comes to you and your friend is like you know , my girl is gaslighting me , or vice versa , whatever . How do you like ? What advice would you give someone who's being gaslit ?

What advice would I give them ? Yeah , what advice would you give them ? I would say you have to find within yourself that makes you trigger so easily . First , because when they gaslight you , they're triggering you , they're triggering their emotions in you to trigger their response .

Thinking of it from yeah , Okay .

So my initial reaction would be look at it , look at everything , think about everything before you react . Period , right ? So no matter what is being said , no matter who it's coming from , before you respond , think about what was said , think about how you respond and how , how you want to respond .

like your response , what is right ? What is the ? What is the result that you're trying to get from your response ? Right and I think that's really important because I , you know , a few pods back , like when I have said to you where , before I called you with something , I really had to really check myself , like don't have an attitude , don't raise your voice .

Don't have attitude in your voice .

And you know I sandwiched you a lot . I always Oreo him . Like I start . You know what I mean Like , but that's me being intentional .

But you're not my manager .

I know I'm not trying to be your manager .

I'm not trying to be your manager but I also know that I have to handle you Now , I'm thinking about it you can train my managers because they could do a better job .

I have to hand . I don't like using it in this context , but for lack of better verbiage , I have to handle you a certain way when it comes to engaging in conversations that I think , stop it . That I think could potentially turn confrontational or turn into an argument .

I appreciate that , because that matters .

It does matter .

Because you want to trigger a response of open dialogue and not a response of resistance .

Right , and I genuinely want you to .

You do a good job of conveying how you feel to me , and not necessarily how you feel , but how I made you feel , by how I either said something or reacted to something . Right right that you do , and I don't feel like you attack me . I feel like that's just you giving me a review of my interaction with you , right .

Like when I asked you , when you said , oh , what was it ? I think the perfect example was that was you had asked me to it had something to do with our cards . You had asked me to , like , go to the bank or something to put money in this account , or something like that . And I had asked you okay , why ? What's wrong with the ?

card that you have , and then you were like , like you were really holding , you were really holding your frustration , and so then that caused me ?

well , that had caught . No , you didn't already explain it to me ? You got annoyed that I was asking you questions and you were like this is just something that needs to be done and I just need you to take care of it .

Oh well , you always Didn't I , but didn't I not say that ?

And then , you kind of like relaxed and calmed down . And then it was like you took a moment in your brain like OK , she , she may be right or whatever , and I need her to get this done .

I just need to get this shit done .

Right , and that's what I said . That's where the space you were coming from and I'm like , I'm not and a lot of like , like .

I understand that I don't have to explain myself and I'm not saying that I'm not willing to explain myself to you because I love you , but it's sometimes I'm like just do what the hell I asked you to do , right but on the same token , I we do have situations like that where you've asked me to do something and I'm just like I don't even care to inquire why

I just I'm like , okay , let me just do it . But in the times where I ask you why I am entitled to an answer .

You are entitled to an answer . I'm entitled to an answer .

No , that's not how that works .

When I'm ready . You can't force me to talk to you . No , and you can't force me to do , I will hush the rest of this episode .

And then you can't force you to stop , like you have found out in the past . You also know that that type of attitude doesn't fly with me because I know my partner . So it's like if , if , if I need a little bit more security in the form of an explanation to have a better understanding , then I'm like , okay , yeah , I'm gonna go ahead and do it .

I'm going to need you to explain right now , because my side chick needs something .

I'm going to need you to explain right now .

Because my side chick needs something .

Good damn . Bye , maurice , goodbye , you haven't even been at the steel mill . Please , Please , you haven't even been at the steel mill . Cut it out .

I would say even to the point of the video right . I feel like consistent , broken promises is more gaslighting than me telling you and validating your feelings in the moment . I feel like that's more damaging .

Consistent broken promises Right .

Like if you keep telling me you're going to do something and you don't follow through with something consistently . Like if you keep telling me you're going to do something and you don't follow through with something consistently , and now and now , like I , I my my first reaction to anything you tell me like okay , we'll see .

Like well , yeah , because now you've set a precedent that it's it's not going to get done . You know it's . It's kind of like if you tell me you know like you get that G wagon . Yeah , you're good , I'm bye . You ain , you get that .

G-Wagon . Yeah Bye , you ain't getting that G-Wagon .

Goodbye , I will one day . Maybe , tomorrow , even if I'm 80 .

I can get you a model .

You know what that's probably . You know what that's not a bad idea , that's where you start . Give me a model so I can put it on my desk , and every time I'm at my desk and I'm doing something , I'm going to look at it and I'm going to be like you know what .

Alright , it didn't work .

Sorry , got distracted and sidetracked it . Yeah , I forgot what I was saying because you distracted me .

That's why I said that .

You always distract me , purposely . Stop it Anyway , yes , so I do think that that's grounds for reevaluate Broken promises .

Yes , Thank you .

So if you're constantly dealing with broken promises , like you're constantly telling me you're going to do something and you never come through , then it's just like anything you say after that .

Because I'm looking at it from the angle of if you promise me something and I get my hopes up , and then you don't meet , and then you promise me and I get my hopes up , you don't meet right .

Really .

And stop smoking crack .

When he said that , I was like wow . Stop smoking , that crack but you know , what I did like what he said is , um , what he said something to the along the lines of worry about , like the emotions right now and the facts later .

Yeah , that , I think that's very much true , because and I I think that's true I think that's true in extreme situations I think you mean like I don't like because , like if you're going through a traumatic experience , yes , I have to worry about your emotions .

Right .

We'll deal with the facts of how we got here after you calm down Right . I don't think that applies to every situation , right ?

Oh wow , is that how you feel about me ?

I mean , I care how you feel , but oh , I care how you feel the truth , I care how you feel . I just don't . I don't care about you being . I don't care about you , uh , being a little sad today . I need you to go ahead and make sure , wow wow , I don't care about you being a little sad today .

I need you to get that's funny because if I look an ounce sad , the first person that be in my face is you . What's going on ? I care about you , but you just said you know I don't care about you being a little sad .

I don't care about you being sad and the fact that you still got to get shit done .

Oh well . I mean so you could be sad I get through the things that I have to get done anyway . Sad , sad and depressed .

So what I'm saying is you could be sad , but make sure them dishes is clean .

Good damn bye . Good damn bye , DeMille . Good damn bye . You could be sad , Just make sure you could be sad . But I need uniforms for this week . Just make sure you can be sad . But I still want chicken salad . Hey , you can be sad and depressed , but the bathroom needs to be cleaned .

Well , I mean , as long as the shower is clean , I don't really care about the toilet . I stand up .

Absolutely Wait . That just reminded me . Somebody posted a picture .

Because I got three options the toilet Wait , Somebody posted the picture .

Because I got three options the toilet Wait , somebody posted the picture of the side of the toilet and it says this is how you know the bathroom is clean If the side of the toilet is clean . If the side of your toilet is dirty , your bathroom is dirty , oh , so . Good damn bye . Good damn bye . You know , the side of my toilet is not dirty . Cut it out .

I can't Look at the toilet . It's in the bathroom . I can't do it . I did the floors and the tub and the sink , that's it . That's all I want . I can't do toilets .

I said was , I said okay , so I can see .

Now we need to set like some ground rules . So for the past , what 12 , 13 years for ?

the past 22 years . Basically , he doesn't clean bathrooms , but I also don't check the mail , I don't take out the trash , I don't break down boxes and you have a lot of boxes shipped here and what's , what's funny but here's the thing . What's funny is , when we moved here , I remember the first time I had to check the mail .

no , that wasn't even a year . Because she was like , she was like three , she was like three or four because it's our little thing oh wow , so that was yeah because our little thing is anytime I go to my box . Yes , she would go with you .

She has to go with me and I remember I had to go to the mailbox and I was gonna call you and she was with me and she's like , she's like pointing , like it's this one , and I was like , oh shit , you know where the mail is . Look at you , you're so smart .

I ain't checked the mail in three weeks .

And don't pay me no mind , Ain't nothing out there . I was like and everything's digital anyway . Everything's online and you get like notifications .

Right .

And I'm not concerned because I get a notification every time my bill gets paid .

So as long as .

I get a bill notification that it's paid . I don't really care . So I mean your final thoughts on that . My final thoughts are I don't believe telling your partner that you disagree is gaslighting . I think that was the wrong .

I agree .

Wrong word to use gaslighting , I think that was the wrong word to use . I do , however . I , however , can see that using those particular words like I disagree , can be a form of invalidation , depending on what you're talking about to your partner , but I don't believe that it's gaslighting .

You can with me you what you can with me I can what you just said . I can't with you , but you can with me okay , okay , goodbye . Because we have a daughter .

Well , let's see if you can with this . Let's get your thoughts Going into our two cents .

I got to hold on .

Okay , you ready .

Do I have a choice ?

Am I the asshole for going on vacation without my girlfriend if she can't pay her way ? Hi all , I'm a 39-year-old male dating someone who's a 33 year old female , and have been for the past three months . Things are going well , up until the topic of my 40th birthday next year . I turned 40 and I've never taken an actual vacation .

Not at all .

No no no .

Live your life .

Okay .

First of all , let me say this Okay , first of all , let me say this he agreed to pay for lodging , which is the hotel .

And half of her airfare .

Half the airfare .

Right . And like so and you know he's going to pay for dinner when you guys go out , he's going to at least pay for your food . He's literally paying . He's still really paying , all of it .

He's offering to pay for most of it . Yeah , this is how a woman ain't smart . If she was smart , she'd be like babe , let's go to you . Wanna go to the Caribbean ? Let's just go to Sandals , it's all inclusive boom .

It's all inclusive and I'll pay for the drink package . It's all inclusive she ain't playing it right , but he's not an asshole , okay . So here's the thing . I think the part of him asking am I the asshole ?

He said we fresh , I might see , I might meet somebody in the caribbean .

I don't think that's what he's making before her ticket ? I don't think that's what he said . I don't think that's what he said . I don't think I don't think he's beat , I don't think the the term him being an asshole um fits the situation .

months , but I would expect him to be like babe don't worry , I got you In my mind as a man . I've only . I've been planning this for a while . I've been with you three months , so I don't know you like that .

I mean , he hasn't been planning it for a while ?

I don't know you like that this has just been on his mind . I don't know you like that .

It's been on his mind .

I don't know you like that Okay .

Well , I mean that's fine , but , like I said , I'm going to make sure that doesn't change the fact that I still would like part of me would be waiting for you to be like babe , what you tripping for I got you , you messing with me .

you gonna be waiting for a while .

Well , I mean not me , I'm not taking you , okay . Okay , let me see you leave the country and I'm not by your side . Okay , take my child , not by your side . Okay , take my child , the one that you can't even be at home with for like long periods at a time . You're going to travel with her internationally on your own .

She be growing by then .

Goodbye , yeah , when she's an adult , when she can get her , when she can book her own flights , that's when you go travel with her by yourself . Anyway , this has been another episode of Life After I Do podcast . If you're not doing so already , you can follow us on all of our social media platforms you got ten and a half months on TikTok bye .