Disconnection

Now I got a whole attitude and then when you see my attitude change and then I start feeding it back to you , that's when I start getting the softer version of you . Hey everybody , welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do . I'm your host , anisha G , and I'm here with Paulito . Hey y'all . Your husband yes , my husband .

Life After I Do is a weekly podcast that we discuss all things marriage and relationship and that thing . He's so random . How you doing , babe .

There's a couple of things that she needs to work on , so I was really proud of her for you know , getting most of her checklist done and she was pretty proud of herself . So I would say that was probably the highlight for me .

Other than that , just you know kind of like the daily routines of things , all the things you got to get done for the house and get done for the kid , the husband , all of that .

So I baked it on 450 for 18 minutes .

Your relationship will constantly go through ebbs and flows and when I think back on , when I hear people who have been in marriages like 20 years , 30 years , 40 , 50 years and they talk about doing the work they talk about doing the work I think this is like one of those things where quote unquote work comes in at right , because you're not always going to be

connected , you're not always going to see eye to eye , you're not always going to have the same views . The things that connected you in the beginning may not be what keeps you connected . So it's important to recognize when you have lost connection and you know people , we all know when we ain't connected to our partner or when we not feeling our partner .

But it's also important to try to put in those those bumpers on when to reconnect with my partner , like we can't let it go on for too long , you know . So that's what we'll be talking

about . So when we talk about losing connections with your partner . What is , what does that look like ? What does that look like babe ?

Once you get into like the hustle and bustle of daily life , the routines , the when life hits especially like if you're in a dynamic where you're both working or if one person's working , one person's always with the kids and then once , once the kids have schedules of their own and now you're trying to mesh life together as a family , it becomes real easy to be

disconnected because you don't really have time to invest in your partner the way you were before life happened , before the kids came along , before all the before , all the responsibilities and the weight of those responsibilities actually hit home .

So it's quite easily , it's quite easy to be disconnected if you're not taking the time to invest , you know , daily into your partner in some way , shape or form .

It's almost like I'm not going to give in . You're not going to give in , it's cool , I'm straight . It's like a silent beef . It's like a silent beef with no beef . That's true , it's like a silent beef with no beef . I know you had . You had said to me when we were talking about this before unmotivated love , yeah , what is what like . What is that like ?

Dive into that .

I haven't been happy with the way things are going or I have outside , the outside world is really beating down , so I don't really have the motivation to really , I don't have the motivation to really get outside of myself and actually see what's what , what's happening , because us as humans , we have .

We have what happens often , as that we let the outside influences and the outside stress is boggles down , that we don't really see the effect that it's having on our relationships within the house Not not me , not just with our partners , we're also with the kids like we become distance , because we become distant , because we're worried about the stresses that are in

our life , so we don't really have a keen understanding of what's happening in the moment . That's when I that's what I mean by unmotivated love .

It's not that I don't love you , it's just that because my weight right now is so heavy from the things from the outside Once I walk through this door I have no motivation and now it gets exponentially harder for me to drop that weight at the door Then then it normally would , and that this is something that happens in waves , because sometimes life will get

hard , like we all go through these phases where we feel like everything is happening at one time and it's back to back to back to back and if you're not careful , you can lose sight of the things that really matter and like of the components of , of the inner components of your relationship , because you're dealing with outside influences .

But but except , you're trying to shield us or the house away from the weight that you're carrying , right , but in turn , when you do that , it affects your mood , it affects your temperament , it affects your attitude .

And then when you think you're protecting us , you're also like Hurting feelings , because when you , when we ask you a question , you're short-tempered , or when we ask you to do something , there's like a rolling of the eyes or you got an attitude . Then , in turn , for me personally , what does that do to me ?

But you know , listen here , petty patty gets a hold of me , just like she gets a hold of other people . I match energies . You give me attitude . Guess what ? You get attitude back , and it's not always something that's like Immediate .

He can give me attitude and I'll just be like , okay , I'm a lettuce live , because I know he's , he's , he's probably stressed out about something . So let me just you know .

So when I come to you and I'm coming to you because I can clearly see the weight of the world is on your shoulders and you're stressing about how you know you're gonna keep like take care of the house to make sure I have what I need , to Make sure our daughter has what she needs and I'm trying to come to you in a comforting way and I'm met with you

know , just negative energy , a bad vibe , short answers . It's like , okay , you know what ? Let me , let me take myself out of it and just breathe , because the whole point of me trying to come to interact with you it's not about me , it is about you and I'm just trying to translate that to you through my actions .

Right , but then when you keep not letting it click that okay , she's trying to be here for me because maybe she can't signal that that distress , distress , I'm a distress , and you keep throwing daggers you finna get daggers . You finna get daggers .

So maybe I have been Lacking in communication these last couple of days , or whatever the case may be , to put her in this type of mood , like that's one thing I have understood and realized in our marriage is like , nine out of ten times , if you have a change of attitude toward , directed towards me , it's because I have been giving you attitude .

Rather intentionally or subconsciously I've been giving you attitude . So that is one thing that I have recognized . But that is also one thing that can like , you know , it's kind of like I realized now I'm like , okay , I wasn't giving her the energy that she , that she required because I was dealing with xyz , and that caused a disconnect between us .

things that you don't like in your partner or that you see as an issue with your partner , whether it be you know how they respond to , how they respond with their temper to certain things , or something like that . It's something that's already in you that you also have probably not dealt with . Do you know what I mean ?

So when you talk about how you can recognize the shift in my attitude , it's also because I'm mirroring back to you Something about yourself that you need to address , right ?

So the anger that you're getting from your wife , now you can say , okay , I I've must have set something off to get this attitude shift , and if she's feeding me anger , let me take a look at my own anger .

You'll be like I'm just dealing with something , yeah , right , and then I'll leave it at that , because I know eventually you're going to come to me and you're going to say these words exactly Baby can have a safe space . Can I just tell you ?

I just need to talk right , and that that's when I know like , okay , now she's really , now she's ready to tell me what was happening .

But I always like the difference between , I would say the difference between us is like I may be quick to temper or short anger and be short or short to anger and short with you in words , but when it's the flip side with you , you're just , you just distance yourself completely , like like you just keep yourself because you're trying to , you're trying to process

, um , your thoughts and your feelings on whatever it is you're going through , and that you that rubs me the wrong way because I'm like , well , like feels like I'm shutting you out . I'm , yeah , like I'm being , like I'm being closed out . What , what have I done to be closed out ? Right , right .

So then in return , now it's like the first example all over again , but now you're the callus .

You can't look at things from angles that you can't see , um , but I try to just like take a moment , like when I know I'm feeling frustrated or overwhelmed , um , like with things within the house , or whatever .

I try to take a moment and and process it in my head , like , okay , I know that if I come at him this way , I'm gonna be met with this , like let me just sit with how I'm feeling for a second , get my thoughts together and see how I want to Approach the situation and see how I want to approach him with what it is that I'm feeling , so that he can

hear me . Because the whole point is , I want you to be able to hear me and not feel like I'm , like you're being attacked or feel like I'm just dumping . You know everything onto you because I know what that's like . You know from our past . I know what that's like too if I just come straight at you with exactly how I'm feeling at the time .

You immediately start feeling defensive and you start feeling like you're attacked , and then now it becomes a situation where you have to defend yourself Instead of with the wrong , right you're .

You're gonna have to defend yourself instead of you actually hearing where I'm coming from , when I'm trying to express to you like , as your partner , I'm not doing good as your partner . This whole situation that we have set up is becoming very overwhelming .

It's pushing me into a place where I don't like , and I know how this is gonna end up affecting us Because it's affecting me . So , before we get to that point , this is what I've been thinking . This is why I was behaving the way that I was . I wasn't trying to shut you out .

I was just trying to make sure I was good so that when I came to you , we could have this conversation on a like a level , like a level head .

So , like I think we spoke about a little , a little bit on the previous episode , like I understand that I don't address you a certain way . I , I understand , sorry , I understand that I have to address you or the problem a certain way to actually get you to hear me .

Right , right , I can't come in full force and put you in a place to where you're , like you said , where you were . Now you feel you have to be defensive because I'm attacking you .

I need to put you in a mind space of okay , well , he's trying to be understood , he's trying to be heard and I think we both we both now recently do a good job of that , of trying to just like you know , we've gotten better .

I'm on my side having a whole dialogue about what I think is happening .

You know , like you're taking it like , oh , now she don't want me to touch her and in my mind I'm just like going through all the things that I did today , all the things I didn't get done , and still trying to compartmentalize everything and have the energy on how I'm going to figure out to get everything done tomorrow .

But now this is the case right now and you want to be , you want to have us time , and I'm like but that's not where my headspace is . And you're just like , oh well , now she's rejecting me , she doesn't want me .

It's not that I don't want you , it's not that I'm rejecting you , it's that , literally , I have a laundry list of things going on in my brain and it's just like it's hard .

You're going to say , babe , I need time to deal with this .

That's why I've started to adjust , like how I act or how I move in certain situations , like I've learned that if I ask you to do something and you don't do it , like in the time that I wanted you to be done , right , it's not that I understand that , it's not that you want that , you didn't want to do it , it's just that you , you're thinking about this ,

that whatever the third , but if I take the action of starting to do that said thing myself , yeah , but that's , that's now . You're in your feelings .

Okay , well , I do your laundry , like every week , I'm the person who does the laundry in the house , right ? So for you it's like okay , today is Monday and you have enough uniforms , whatever to get you through the week , but you can . You just see your laundry like piling up right there and you're like okay , but my laundry needs to be done .

And in the back of my mind I'm saying your laundry is going to get done . You always have what you need for the week . Since I'm the only person that doesn't , I get to do it when I do it . Like . That's how I'm thinking in my brain .

But in your brain you're like I don't understand why you just won't get the laundry done right now , because , like clearly , there's loads that want to be washed , because in my brain I'm like , hey , there's something in there that's dirty that I want to use this week .

So when I so I'm like , if I come to you and say , hey , I need this done , and you're not doing it , it was like , well , I'm only going to give it a day or two and then you know , come , come Tuesday night , I'll walk in .

But when you blankedly say something that I , that I'm responsible for , that I do every single week , you say , oh , my laundry needs to be done . In my mind I'm like , yes , your laundry needs to be done .

I do the laundry every week , so I'm I'm the only person that does it , so I'm going to do it when I get to it , but you're going to have what you need for the following week . That's the dialogue I have in my head .

You need to say , hey , babe , I know you normally do laundry on Friday Can you try to get my laundry done by by Monday night so that I can wear that shirt Tuesday morning ? And then I could say , okay , let me go ahead and rearrange and maybe I won't do her laundry on Monday night . I'll do your laundry Monday night and then do hers Friday .

So it's like I understand , like if I come in from you know working , you know 12 , 13 hours a day , a couple of days in a row , and I come in and things are , I was like , okay , well , it was a rough day , especially like I automatically know if it's a Tuesday , like I don't want to expect nothing on Tuesday .

Oh , because I know like you had errands to run , then she had practice . You didn't get home to 637 . Like what can I expect of you ? Cause I know Tuesdays are like boom , but I'm like okay Wednesday when she gets out early and you got a lot of time in a day where you don't know what I did today .

But I would say , me personally , the first thing outside of communication is the spending less time together . So we like to call it our bubble time . So when we start recognizing like okay , we already said , temperatures can run high , we're starting to feel closed off , we're starting to be short responses with each other , it's because we need bubble time .

We're not spending enough time together to reconnect . We're not spending enough quality time together , time together without our child , time together , not in the house . Time together where it's just us on our own , where we can just be Kainisha and Maurice , that's it . Nobody else needs to be around . We don't need to do a double day .

We don't need to do a double day us to be two people who like , love each other right .

It gives us time to reconnect and talk about , like , the goals we've set , or if there's something on our minds that we need to talk about , that we've been feeling lately , or something that we're going through , or a problem that we're trying to get to a resolution on . It gives us that independent time to get back to the basics of us .

I'm like well , my dude , I ain't seen you all day Like , I'm just trying to be with you right now . But you're like no , no , no , I gotta do this first .

I need you to be upstairs so I can do this first , and then normally what happens is that by the time you finish doing that , I'm like oh , I'm asleep , right , I'm like in third room , yeah , and it's like and then I'm getting up early and then I'm . You know , it's like it's easy , it's easy for us to disconnect and that's spending time .

Because it's like when you think about how much time especially when I think about how much time I actually have a free in a day , you know with the work day , like just to yourself , like I mean , are just to be home , like during the work day , it's like it's a very small amount of time and every minute counts , Like once I walk through that door from work

, every minute counts . And I do think that's probably why we kind of you know , we kind of like I kind of some weekends , I kind of like stick to your hip on the weekend , because it's like well , I know I'm not gonna come on the one , that the Friday I'm not gonna really see her .

So then I would have to leave from where I worked , which was 40 minutes from the house , to drive all the way back over to the other side of town to pick her up , to come all the way back home , do all of those things .

You weren't getting off work until like 10 o'clock at night , nine , 10 o'clock at night , and having to do all the things in the house to prepare for her , to get you know , get ready for bed , prepare everything for us to have for the morning . So I mean , it's really easy to this connection can happen . It's really easy to get disconnected .

I also kind of feel like it's a normal part of relationship , right , it's the ebb and flow of relationship . You both are individuals . You still have individual responsibilities that you have to tend to and that's gonna pull you apart at times . But I say that to say it's not an excuse . It's not an excuse .

Right , it's not an excuse , because you also recognize the things that are pulling you apart and it's your responsibility to try to put forth just as much effort in trying to reconnect , reconnect those parts .

They got your baby hooked is what's gonna help you keep your baby wherever just , however it's going .

But you still have to take the time to do the work in order to have a thriving , fruitful marriage and relationship .

So like I will do , like I'll start doing such thing as like I'll just send you random texts , or I'll just call you randomly , so you do it , or I'll send you like a random , or we sit in the car Right , and it's like so I'll do , like so I'll try to steal as much time as I can , or I'll be like you know what I'm gonna sacrifice an hour of sleep

tonight just to stay up a little later with my baby . No , so it's things like that , Like you have to understand , like you're gonna have to sacrifice and make adjustments sometimes in life in order to have that time to reconnect with your partner Like I think about .

something that you know they were interested in , whether it be conversation about , like their favorite topic or whatever . And even if it's not anything you know about , like my husband's really into anime , right , I really don't even know what be going on , but he would I like to think that you were very surprised when I was able .

When you asked me , you thought you were being slick . You were like what's ? Two , two , two animes that I watched and I gave you the titles of them and you were like , okay , but what they about ? And I was like I don't know what they about .

I don't know what they about , but I made a point that after you watched them , I went back to at least look at the titles so that when we had another little mini date in the morning , that could be something we talked about , because I know that's something that you're interested in , and they like to see how you smile when you think that I know what I'm

talking about . But I really don't know what I'm talking about . I don't . It'd be cute , though I like to think that you're impressed by the effort .

You watch a murder , All right , True crime . If the show ain't gonna do a murder , some type of assault , what Awesome drama , some type of assault ? Yes , I don't wanna say the actual .

It's gonna be something where somebody has murdered or done some dirt , whether it's regular crime or blue collar crime , right collar , no matter what , it's gonna be something crime related and I'm like I have no interest in this , but I would rather watch a documentary about how baseball bats are made . Bye , bye , marie , goodbye .

So it's not about me , it's about us , and I'm trying to reconnect with you just to show you know that , hey , I am your wife , just to show you know that , hey , I am your husband and your partner , and I'm still your friend .

When I think about like the opposite schedules , like trying to reconnect on that level where you guys are basically like strangers in the night , I think about when we used to leave notes . Remember how I put , like a note on your lunch , I never left notes for you . No , I'm talking about when I left notes for you , like on your lunch and stuff like that .

I would leave him on the coffee maker when he would open up his lunch at work . There was a note in there . But that was just my way of like still trying to communicate with him and still trying to let you know like , hey , I love you , I see you , you out there working hard .

I know we haven't had a chance to reconnect , but I'm hoping that these notes can you know .

I don't like anybody to leave the house , um , not on positive vibes , right , so I don't want to get into it in the morning before we leave the house . I don't want our daughter to be upset in the morning before we leave the house .

When we all leave the house , we are going to be a happy family , okay , I don't care what we got to do to make that happen , but nobody leaves this house in the morning on a bad foot , on a bad note , even if we get bad news .

We are going to try to turn it around so that when we hug and kiss each other goodbye , we all going to leave on on a good note , okay , so , um , like I said , it's when you feel that disconnect , trying to make the smallest efforts to reconnect . It's like there's no excuse .

It can be something as simple as sending your , your partner , a note just to remind them that I love you , like , and even if we're not seeing eye to eye right now , even if we're not the closest a note , and especially if it's something out of the ordinary that you don't normally do like , surprise your , surprise your partner with a note .

They'll be like wait what ?

But in the love letter he used the title of love songs expressing his love to me , and then made a CD to play along with the songs as I read them in the love note .

It's , though , it's those things Like I recognize how much time that took , and that's what , that's what impressed me , that that's what made me feel like this boy loved me so much that he then took a whole day , I'm afternoon , to write me a love letter with love songs in it and the CD to play while I list , like , while I read the love , the love , love .

I should have planned that , I don't know , but yeah , so , like even just things like that . And for me , when you take the time out to like text me stuff like that , not only does it let me know that you're thinking about me Excuse me , I'm starting to sound stuffy . You're thinking about me , but it's .

It's the fact that you like took the time out of your day , right , because you be gone for like 13 hours or a teen hour .

So if you include drive time to and from work , and you still , even throughout the day , are still sending me text messages like titles of songs , or I love you , babe , or you look good , or like whatever it is , you know what I mean Are the famous what's my ?

So we we know how difficult it is to really try to get some actual quality time alone , where you actually plan a date night or a weekend away with , with children , and we only have one . So we can only imagine what it's like with people who have , like more than one , you know .

But it's really , really important that you at least carve that out , because You're not , you're going to be doing your , your kid of the service too when you guys are not connected , like even if you think you're shielding your child from the discord that's happening between you and your partner .

I promise you , like kids know , kids know our child is six and she it's like it's it's the energy . It's the energy that mom and dad puts out when mom and dad are not on one accord , you know . So it's really important to try to carve that time out as much

as possible . If you've got to call a friend to ask if they can babysit , if you're fortunate enough to have grandparents that live close by , like , take advantage . But you have to make it . You have to make it work .

Like you get that little pocket , like I said the other day , you get that little pocket , that little remnants of , like the boy I fell in love with . You know , when I see you excited about something .

And we don't get that that often , you know , unless we're trying to be intentional about our connection , unless we're trying to be intentional about our relationship and our time together . So , all in all , you , everybody goes through it , especially if you're in a , if you're in a committed relationship , a monogamous relationship .

It's going to go through ebbs and flows . It's not always going to be a happy time . Your , your low time . It can persist for weeks , months . Some people , like I've talked to , have had low , low blows for years . But it's all in how much effort and work you put into your relationship and put into your partner . But you're going to have to do the work .

You're going to have to feel the feels . If you're angry about something , tell your partner . You know , know how your your partner is going to react to things . If there's something that you need to talk to them about that you're feeling like they're going to be defensive about , maybe you need to readjust your approach .

Right , so you but you need to have that conversation with empathy . Like you have to understand that you know there's feelings on both sides , but we need to work together Like it's not , it's not , you know , not the cliche , it's not me against you , it's not me versus you , but it's us versus the issue the issue . Right , so that's . That's fine .

Excuse me , let's find the common ground , and a , a , a or are either a common ground or a solution that works best for both of us .

I mean , and if you , and if you've made every effort , if you've made every effort to try to reconnect and you still don't like your partner , I'm a , I'm a suggest therapy , I'm a just go ahead and suggest some therapy and then move on from there . But it's perfectly normal , like I think that's the whole point that I want to get to .

Cause when I talk amongst , like my friends and in my inner circles and other moms , it's real easy to feel like you go through these things by yourself . It's real easy to think that your relationship is like something's wrong with your relationship , because this very thing is happening , where you guys are not connected and things like that .

And when we start talking like me and my other mom friends when we all start talking , we all start talking about the same exact issues that we're dealing with with our husbands or with our partners . You know what I mean . But it's so easy to feel like you are in it alone . You are not in it alone .

That's one of the reasons why we wanted to do the podcast is because the things I know that we're going through we can't possibly be the only people that go through it . Like when I speak to like elders and stuff who have been in the the this relationship , marriage game for decades it's like maybe you ain't seen nothing yet . That's just a part of it .

You ain't seen nothing yet . So that was one of the reasons why we even wanted to do the podcast is because it's like y'all not you're not doing it alone . You know what I mean and we have to be our own village .

So that's pretty much it , but y'all need to get out there , reconnect with one another , make it fun again , find out why you loved the person and pick the person that you're with in the first place .

And then just try to recreate that date Like we did that one time where we went and we , we , we got our , we got our chili cheese fries and we went , drove to the old park and set in the back seat , set in the park watched some light , just like , just try it .

Like , yeah , and it was like , if , just try that to reconnect , because if , if , if you didn't have a connection or didn't love that person , you wouldn't be there through the rough times , right ? So that's what you got to understand Like , yes , I do love this person . We're just going through a difficult time right now , but we can get out of this .

But it is going to take . It's going to take actions and participation and efforts on both sides . Yeah , and you don't , don't give up without putting the effort in .

Maybe you need a third party assistance and then going from there , even though I think therapy is good for everybody .

You can always write into us as well at lifeafteridupodcastatgmailcom . So leave us a little note , or if you have any questions , or maybe there's something you want to hear us discuss .