Compatibility

If this is what you need for me to make you feel secure in my feelings that I have for you , then I am going to tell you I love you , right , because not doing so could not be compatible , but not doing so could also not reflect love . Hey everyone , welcome back to another episode of Life After I Do A weekly podcast discussion on marriage and relationships .

I am your host , anisha G , and I'm here with my lovely co-host , mollito Hi Bo . Hi Bo , how you doing .

I feel like with compatibility , especially when you're in the dating phase , it's different and , as we have grown to learn after marriage , you know , yes , you can still be compatible in some of the areas that were important to you when you were dating .

But we kind of just felt like compatibility also changes the longer you're together and especially after marriage , when life has like really happened . Would you agree ?

Yeah , we were like the perfect , perfect couple , but that was also before like I had to deal with life and before I actually dated other people , you dated other people . I did not date other people , but I'm saying as a 15-year-old girl . You know my boyfriend . Of course , I felt like you know , we're compatible .

I mean , I don't even think I thought about compatibility or whether or not we were compatible . I just knew that I wanted to be with you . I just knew that , like , he's everything I want to be like with right now , you know . So I would say , though , going into , let's see , like our mid-20s and stuff where we've had a little bit of experience of life .

I don't think we really hit our stride until we hit our late 20s , early 30s , when we were like locked in , yeah , yeah . We were locked in combat .

you still standing . You know what I mean . And that kind of just built a stronger , stronger bond for us .

But nonetheless , getting back to compatibility , I think even during that time , like even when I , you know , was thinking about our compatibility in our mid 20s , I think one of the things that really struck with me is the core things that were important to me , like family and respect and , you know , even religion .

At that time , all of those things were really important to me and those were the things where I felt like we were most compatible , right ? So I know I've said before , I do feel like I've always wanted a bigger family than you . Oh , absolutely .

Like I wasn't willing to just like what would have felt like to me give up , because I've always felt like this , like you and me , like you and me are a thing . You know what I mean . Like I've always felt like like there's really no kind of issue without a worries , like . You know what I mean .

So we in my , in my eyes , we were still really compatible on the things that were deal breakers for me .

But as we've gotten older , as we've experienced more life we've had a child , you know , we've built a home together you know all of these things your I don't know if it's compatibility or like your aspects or views and perspectives , all the things kind of change and I feel like most couples go through a stage of like are you still for me and I'm still for

you ? You know , like , even though we're locked in , we're married , we know like it's right or die , it doesn't change the fact that you think sometimes like like these traits that he's developed over the years , or his views about things over the years that have changed are really not meshing with who I am today .

He's had to bring that up , huh , and it's like , for a while that was an area that we really wasn't compatible in , because , as I progressed and started making more money and I started actually paying attention to the thing , I became more and more conservative . Now I had the money to understand these policies right .

So I became and it's funny to me watching you now have the same revelations that I had been , because now that you're paying more attention to our money , you're like wait , hold on , what are they doing ? What I was like and I'm like up until like , yes , like , so some of these people don't sound as crazy once you have all the facts .

I mean , we rich , you know we still don't have like rich people problems or anything like that , but coming from where we were before , you know before financially , or what have you I don't think it's so much the finance part , it's just things are viewed as I've lived , right as I've lived , and as I've seen how certain things not only affect me but affect my

family , affect my friends , I've always felt like I've been able to see the the truths in both sides . But it's just on certain subjects . My views are more aligned .

Now you're following that way , because I think that goes to say it goes to show like , yeah , you're going to , everyone's going to evolve at their own pace and they're going to have different traits and they're going to have different interests and hobbies and things , and it may not be the same things that that they were when you guys first , you know , got into

the relationship or situation , whatever it may be , together . So I think you have to be willing to understand and to expect that change is the only thing that's constant in the world . So you need to know that the compatibility might change .

You know what I mean , but not to the point where I'm just like you're a completely different person . You know what I mean . So when we talk about compatibility also , we're not just talking about like family . You know your views on family and things like that .

Compatibility can be broken down into multiple like sub subjects , Right , three of the main ones that we like to think are really important , especially like before marriage and definitely after marriage , is physical compatibility , emotional compatibility compatibility and spiritual compatibility .

And then , of course , there's like other sub subjects of compatibility within that that we'll try to dive into a little bit more in this episode .

But when it comes to let's get the big one out of the way physical compatibility , not just in attraction , but also in like insects , like being compatible sexually with your partner , I think that's a big one , because men and women are very different and I know like very different , and even in speaking with other couples , even older couples , that is still

something that comes up 10 years after marriage , 15 years after marriage 20 years after marriage is sexual compatibility , because like like everything else , like there are .

So I think that when you , when I say physical compatibility , especially when it were attained to sex , it's mainly focus on having an open mind and being willing to do these things with your partner , especially if you are in a , you know , a marvelous relationship where this is like you don't want .

You don't want them to have necessarily , you know , desires that you can't meet .

different . I know , after I had Phoenix I was just like I literally said to him . I remember saying to him I will be cool if you never touch me for a year , like I was , like I'm like , I'm straight for the whole year , like you don't even have to look my direction . I'm cool , you know . But also I was going through a lot of hormonal changes .

I had just had a baby . You know there was a little bit postpartum that you know I had to deal with . So there was a lot going on and a lot can happen , especially with women .

You know the control when it comes to hormones and stuff like that , but I do like the fact that you talked about like being open to your partner's desires and also , you know , I don't want to say making compromises , but having discussions when you guys are on two different pages when it comes to sex , because there has been times where we just were not on the

same page , right , and we both knew that we were not on the same page and we legit had to have a conversation about it .

You know what I mean , because what can happen too is I'm having a whole internal dialogue about how I'm feeling about myself and what he might be thinking , and then he's having a whole internal dialogue about his feelings , or what I might be thinking and what I may be doing . He's taking as rejection and I'm not meaning it to be rejection , you know .

But because we haven't talked , it's like all of these different conversations happening in our head and it's just pushing us further and further apart , and we legit had to have a sit down and be like , ok , let's put it out on the table , what's going on with you ? What's going on with you ?

Oh , really , because this is how I took it , oh , I didn't mean it that way , and it's you know we can start making those steps to get back on track , you know . So I think that's really important .

I also think , when it comes to the physical , what's really important , too , is and I say this for me , for me personally , because this is something that I still like struggle with and I try to be conscious of is trying to look good for your partner . Right , I'm not following that . Yeah , Like you .

And for me , I know , with my husband , like he loves to see me like super dressed up , super dolled up , but he also really enjoys when I just look put together , like I don't have to be in full face makeup and like a whole done up outfit or anything .

But if I just like put a little effort into doing something to my hair and I put on a shirt that fits and I've , you know , if I put on jeans , he would much appreciate that over my leggings .

He appreciates that , and so I try to be conscious as as much as possible to keep that in the back of my mind .

You know , like if he's working a Friday and he's getting off a little bit earlier , where we could potentially have the time to go out to dinner or the time to like go and do something before our daughter gets out of school , I put in a little bit of effort to be like , okay , let me put myself together , because I know he's going to appreciate that , and

not only just for him but for me too . You know what I mean , because I know , like my first year here , like being at home , I mean it felt like a vacation because we were it was during the pandemic , you know so I felt like I spent 90% of my time in my pajamas . But what I also started to notice is Don't feel like you did Recognize it .

Okay , I did . I spent like 90% of my time in my pajamas , but what I started to learn is how that was affecting me mentally also .

Not getting up or even just like getting dressed for the day I also didn't do much Like it led to me really not being productive in really any shape or form , except for what I had to do , you know , for work , the first couple of months when I was still just like working from home .

So it's not just for him , but I recognize that that is something not only that I do for myself , but I also do it for my husband .

What do you think ? What do you agree with that Boo ?

He'll get dressed and he'll throw on something that's like casual , but what he thinks is like a little dressed up , maybe a shirt that's a little bit nicer than his graphic tee or something . And I'll go in the room and because we don't go to events often , you know , if this is an event , then I get excited .

So I'm like this is the day where I'm going to pull out like the beat . Look with the makeup . I'm going to do something kind of cute with my hair .

I'm going to pull out a pair of heels that I either have a worn in a long time or something that he hasn't seen , that's just been in the back of my closet , because I still buy stuff knowing damn well I'm not going to wear them , and I'm just like , oh yeah , like I'm going to get dressed up , I'm going to look good , I want to surprise him , and then

I walk out of the room and he goes damn , you look good . And he goes well , let me go change . And I'm like , but if you knew we were going to an event deep down in my mind , I was like man .

I need to give me another pair of dress shoes because , man , this is the only pair that I got . All I hear is about how he wants to do more of it , about how he doesn't have enough clothes to do it that often . And now we're about to go , and we're about to go buy him some new shoes and buy it . And I keep telling him .

I say , babe , you do this every single time . If you know how to do it , then why you listen ? I listen because it's your routine . You do this every single time . But when you do get dressed up , I love the way it makes you feel . It makes you feel good , and I can see that .

And then I just reap the benefits of it because I mean you feeling good , I feel good being next to you , you looking good , like all as well , you know . Next is emotional compatibility .

You start developing feelings and the urge to be with someone , or even be intimate with someone , based off of physical attractions . First off of it . Yeah , it's always awful looks first , because you don't know this person's person's a stranger Right ? That's what I'm saying . That's what I'm saying .

Physical compatibility is always where it starts and the only downfall or the only hiccup that could be in the physical is when you get to the sexual part of the physical , like being sexual compatible sexually compatible and like and like libido and stuff .

Right , but that comes down , that comes with time , like that , just lock that in that that either you hit it off great or that can be developed over time .

How combative we are like on , I guess , like , yes , like on an emotional scale , like , how does your , your partner , handle things , like if they lost their job ? How do they handle that ? If they , if they experienced , if they experienced grief ? How do they experience grief when things don't go their way ? Like , do they have a temper ?

Do they yell and scream when they're having a disagreement with you ? How do they process their feelings ? How they process yes , how do they process their feelings , like when they're going through a depression ? What does that look like ? Do you know what I mean ? Like , are they somebody who completely shuts down and shuts off from the world ?

And it doesn't matter who you are , you , just you can , you can be my partner , my lover , but you get X-nade , just like everybody else .

.

You have a person that can love love ie being in love and the afterness of that and you can have a person that resubstitutes that only because they love that person .

But if your partner is someone who basically , like , needs the words of affirmation , I'm gonna need you to tell me that you love me . Like your actions are not gonna be enough , because that doesn't speak . That doesn't speak to how I identify love . Do you know what I mean ?

So that's where the emotional compatibility part can come in , because that's not how I identify what you know love is , it's gonna be through your actions , but also you confirming that , through you telling me Sympathetically that you empathetically , that you love me but what I'm trying to say is is that you can be Compatible and not necessarily have the same love

language or absolutely .

To do attract Right , right , and so you have to have in every aspect of marriage , in relationship , there's give and take , and what makes , I Think , what makes , marriage Successful is the compatibility of two people who are able to play off each other , meaning that I'm willing to give my partner what they need and advice versa in the areas in which I may not

be fond of , but Because I love this person so much , I am willing to Meet them where they want to be met . That's not saying that , yeah , of course , we have abundance of things that we are Are greatly compatible , we see eye to eye with , but I'm still going to meet them in the areas where I necessary .

It's not a big deal for me , it could go either way , but because I know that this is what they need to feel loved . I'm going to go out or deny me love , but this is what they need to feel love . This is what they need to feel Secure , or emotionally connected , connected . I am willing to give this to that person .

That that's also , that's also Another form of being compatible with each other .

was good . That takes me back to I can't remember what it was , I was watching , but it was a marriage therapist and the marriage therapist was working with a couple and their assignment was to only focus on their partners needs , right , so it's .

He was saying that if you feel like there's something in your marriage that you're not getting , you feel like a need is not being met , right , ignore your , not ignore , but put your need to the side , put it on the back burner right and Identify what it is your partner needs from you Emotionally , right .

So if that's more conversation , if that's more , you know you listening without response and pathetic listening , stronger actions behind it , whatever it is that your partner needs from you emotionally , to feel sick , like Secure , not in a dependent way , not in a dependent way , but whatever your partner is is needing from you , whether it be more time or date nights ,

whatever try to focus on that and your partner do the same and you will find that your needs that you felt were lacking , that are we're not being met , will Gradually get better , or at least that's the point behind doing the exercise would get better .

So for me , like going back to when I've said I'm sure I've said it before One of the reasons that attracted me to you , especially even as teenagers , I feel as though for me , I knew early on that the biggest attraction for me to you was that you were not like the rest of the population that I had to choose from , if that makes sense , you know what I

mean . We talked all the time . You don't want me to stay with all the time , I Can imagine , but we talked all the time . We had Similar interests .

You know , even going through our rough patch in our 20s , or even when we hit rough patches now , like Because everything ain't perfect now , but even when we hit bumps in the road , it's like we can still have a conversation like we were . We were talking about our goals and stuff yesterday while we were sitting In pickup for our daughter .

And what did I say to you yesterday ? Do you remember what I said to you ?

I mean . Like I know that it is there and because I I see how he loves , I See how my husband loves and I've always seen how he loves there was just like , there was no doubt . It's like , yeah , like it's it's you like I feel like they're emotionally we were compatible , because I , he does .

He has that , that level where I don't necessarily have to Like say something . He's already right there to say it , or he can read my face , or he can like , you know , he can read my body language , or he can tell when something's wrong and he's like right there , without me having to say it .

He it's not like that a hundred percent of the time , but for the most part he's like , he's like right there . So , emotionally , I feel like that's where our compatibility , you know , still has a strong tie .

But I will say I've had 20 plus years to be in tune with you and and you're constantly learning because , like I , I'm still constantly learning you and you're still constantly learning me . But yes , you had a significant amount of time to really start like zoning in on some of those cues .

You know , you don't get it right all the time because I mean , that's a whole , nother , whole , nother topic . You don't get it right all the time , but for the most part you're you're like spot-on , you're right there .

But Going back to what you said about the person who loves the person and the person who loves love , I think that was a very good explanation . You know , and it still does come down to trying to fit your , your partner's needs .

The other part was spiritual compatibility .

But then I went through life events in my early 20s and I cached all that away . I wouldn't say you cast all that away , I cast , I would just say your views about it change , my views greatly changed . So this is an area where we first met we were highly compatible , yeah .

And then life happens , I have a different view on things and now we are working through it . I mean , there's nothing to work . I feel the way I feel , you feel the way you feel , and I don't stop me , we don't , we don't try to , we don't try to discourage any each other now from believing . You know , believe what you want to believe .

But this is , this is something and I , you know , I said I have . I have friends in similar situations where you know the wife , the wife is a devout Believer and the friend you know has has different views , and I don't think that this is necessary , a compatibility point . That is like it make it a break it point . It can be for some people .

So when introducing , let's say , if a partner becomes more , like you know is more faith-based or religious than the other partner , rightfully so that can be a contention in the marriage , right , because it's like you're not the same person who I mean you're the same person , but now there's an aspect of you that I can't necessarily relate to and I think that can

be difficult for anybody . Like it can be as something as simple , as it just takes me sorry to cut you off when I was looking at a TikTok and she was talking about when her husband started going to the gym and stuff , right .

So it's like now he's like fully , you know , devout and go into the gym and like working on himself and doing this and although as a partner you want to be happy for your partner finding something that brings them that brings them , you know , joy and helps them personally and things like that , when you have been with somebody for so long .

Your lives are intertwined , so I don't want to feel like you're off on a path of doing something where it makes me feel like I'm being left behind .

They have , right , and you want to be able to be in something that reflects what it is you believe in . Okay , so sometimes I think that could possibly be different .

If you have a partner who's on the complete opposite side of that and you know , let's just say for argument's sake or for , you know , discussion's sake , if you have somebody who's very , very heavily into the religion and you have somebody who's on the complete opposite end of that , coming home to somebody who's on the complete opposite end of that , it doesn't

make me feel like I can talk to you about the things that I discussed at church or things that I found to be helpful , or something new that I've learned , because it's not even an interest that you're interested in , right ? Or if you feel so strongly the opposite of what I'm believing in , then that's also going to cause some type of contention .

And then if you're raising kids , oh boy , what do we do now ? If we both see different aspects of it , you know what I mean .

So it's not just something that you know , that's not , that doesn't weigh as much like religion is one of those things that can make or break , depending on what stage of your relationship you're in , depending on if you have young children , depending on if you plan to start a family , like religion can actually play a really big part . I can see that .

But like I've always been an advocate , like you said , that it's important for each of us to also have our own thing , like I have always been an advocate for you to have something that is just for you , that doesn't involve me , right .

But if it brings you joy , if it's a hobby of yours , if it gets you out of the house to hang out with friends and be social every once in a while , great , I'm all for it .

But now , with you know recent events , it's like , okay , now I've compromised , I've done what I said I would do , you've found your tribe , things have happened and now I feel differently about it .

Right , but that's not something that's gonna , that's a contention to make or break us whether or not you get on a motorcycle or not , but something as heavy as like religion , and then , especially if you have kids involved , that can be pretty heavy .

Like I said , it depends on how deep you are , because I don't see , I can see it like if it's just like a completely opposite world , but like if you're still like in a similar , in a similar structure of our dynamic of relationship and the only thing different in the dynamic is now you have a greater faith in love , the person .

I don't see that being weighing as heavy as if now it's the faith base makes things completely opposite . How about how deep dive Like if you go from having no faith to like being a thousand percent into the faith that may that may lead to conflict within the marriage .

You're gonna start looking and be and being mindful of how you speak , what you say , how the people around you speak , what they say , the energy that people bring Other people's like views and things like that right .

And then what can happen too is , even if you're not trying to attack or look down upon , your partner can take certain things that you say to them as like oh you know , you weren't , you didn't do that before , you were part of the church , or that must be like a church , you know , all of a sudden there's like this internal defense that can happen with the

other partner , and I say that because I've seen that first hand and I know what you're talking about and I think I think in some , in some bases like that , I think that's the other person feeling left out , exactly , and feeling like the other person is outgrowing . Outgrowing Exactly and so to that point .

But now you're coming back home and you're looking at the things that I have done and have been doing and now , all of a sudden , like it ain't right .

It's not that it's not that the I really lost my train of thought , it's not that it's not that the , the person who's not not faith based , it's not that they're not going to be able to comprehend that their problem with what their partner is the issue , because they're , they're hurt in the moment , absolutely .

But I think what you have to in those situations like now , even in our situation , when , like you , like when you go to church and stuff like that , I don't want to church anymore , but when you go , I understand that , hey , this is something that she feels she needs to do and this is something that she wants to do , and so I just I let you do it .

I don't , I don't take that personally . I just let you know that , hey , that's what you want to do . I won't be there , right , you know ? And the only kind of issue I have is half with

it . I guess , sometimes , when those discussions are brought up , when it's pertaining to our child , because , you know , I have the mindset of let her , let her choose her path , and then I can reach , I can respect what path she's choose , chooses when she's on nothing , make a choice .

I don't want her to be guided down a path just because you deemed it to be the right path . I would rather her choose her path .

The same rules would have to apply to everything . She wouldn't get up for school if she , if it was her choice , to choose her path .

I see what you mean . That is I'm okay with what one . What I tend to struggle with is when you want to introduce the deeper aspects of that religion .

So some that you have listed here and I want to hear more about is materialism .

So in that regard , we are compatible because , like , we both like nice things , but we will both go down to the gap or the nine-nice sister in-gifts shirt and wear it .

I can agree with you on that , Like I always say , like my style is comfortable bum , so when I walk into places they don't see me as someone that has- .

Now , all of a sudden , now their attitude towards us change . So I like I've never been that one to , I'm not a braggadocious type of person . I've never really been that type of person . I I . That's not to say that I don't like nice things , like I like to have nice things in my home , but that is one area of one which we agreed on .

So when I , when I say material things , like we're not , we're not heavily invested in owning a lot of things just to say we have Sub-material stuff .

But in in situations where I need to be sociable and have basic social skills , I have learned how to be extroverted . So I always can . I consider my , always consider myself a introverted . Extrovert meaning that I'm introverted by nature and I prefer to be to myself or in a small group of people who I deem friendly or who I deem friends or close with .

But if I'm in a situation where I have to be among the populace , I can . Oh , you're on weight with it .

So like , for instance , like not to be cliche , but you are that one where I'm not going to send food back , I'm just going to accept it the way it is , and you're like no , sir , my husband .

Like if you we , not you want to act , we want to act dumb . I can act dumb too . Yeah , I can get real , I can act niggerish . If you want me to Like , that's so , let's not do that , right ? So it's like and then the other thing is like um , you're big on family . You're big on like spending time and knowing all your family .

I'm big on like spending time with my brothers and sisters . So , like that , that was different , you know . So it's like we are opposite and we did attract and I mean we're going pretty strong .

You have to constantly just be honest with your partner and just be honest about the things you expect and what you feel like your needs are . And also , don't forget you have a responsibility to your own needs . You can't just develop everything that you feel like you need into a person and expect them to deliver .

But when you are in a committed , longterm partnership marriage , what have you being honest about what your needs are , being honest about who you are , is going to go a long way , a very long way . Um , so , at the end of the day , we're also what anybody tells you .

. If you depend on anybody just for your , your emotional well-being , you will be let down every single time . Because what a lot of us do is we expect us of other people . And I have learned , and are continuously learning , that you cannot expect you of other people .

The way you think about how you would have handled something , the way you know how you you do things , and you say to yourself I would have never done that , like I just don't understand why you can't expect you of other people , you will be let down every single time , right , um ? But when it comes to your partner , you do .

You can hold certain expectations of your partner , just like you should have expectations for yourself , um , but don't solely make that your partner's responsibility to just make you happy , but be honest with your needs and be honest with who you are , and I think that's it . Anything else , babes , no good , that's good . Until next week .

Guys , this has been another episode of life after I do . Peace , peace , peace .