All right, we're going to talk about imposter syndrome. Here's the first thing. You want to feel like an imposter? Spell it with an E. Because apparently I learned... i've always kind of probably typed it impostor er but uh turns out it's tor impostor and so i learned that before i started working on this but yeah First way to be an imposter is spell it that way, I guess. You know, a joke. Amazon, when I went there at first, I was taught a saying, which is.
Amazon is where smart people go to feel bad about themselves. Imposter syndrome turns out to be very personal. I worked on this talk for a week, 10 days. I asked the community about it. I asked some of my friends about it. I thought about it a lot. So let's define imposter syndrome for anybody who doesn't know what it is. Imposter syndrome is the feeling that you're doing a job and you're not really qualified for it.
There's people better than you, that people are looking at you and they're going to figure out that you're not quite up to the challenge. They're going to figure out that somehow you don't belong, that you're not really as good.
as you seem like you should be or as people have seemed to give you credit for so this problem can come from a couple different places it can come but it's really to some degree it's an internal confidence challenge right it's how you feel and it can be engendered by all kinds of stuff some of it can require therapy or counseling which I'm not qualified to talk about except to say I can need that. If you have deep-seated anxiety about your self-worth, about your abilities.
so nba hitch says i dealt with it real early on consulting right out of school glad i got over it but it's a big struggle really interesting to hear your thoughts so nba i wonder by the way if you'll stay over it um because i think it can come back shouldn't you always work in a position you're not 100 qualified for so you can actually learn and grow yes i believe that's true dairy but that can wear on your consciousness
And if the gap is too big between how qualified you are and what you're doing, you can start to have doubts about your ability to survive. i i'll just use arbitrary numbers but maybe you're 90 qualified that last 10 is a stretch what if you're only 20 qualified right Do you feel and like you start making mistakes or things are not going super well? Can you maintain confidence to lead and act in that role when you know you're not completely qualified and you're struggling?
So I did a LinkedIn post on this blah, blah, blah. I'll press play on the idea that you should be following on LinkedIn. You should be building your LinkedIn network. Most of you are now doing that. But here's what we talked about on LinkedIn. We said, here's some specific things you can do to help with imposter syndrome. Number one, the biggest thing is...
Somehow you have to take control of the standards against which you judge yourself and balance having high standards and not being lazy or complacent or like who gives a shit.
And on the other side, not holding yourself or letting others hold you to unmeetable, impossible standards that will wear you down and make you feel like I can never succeed at this. So a huge... part of handling imposter syndrome is cutting yourself a break but doing that where you still work hard and you're still driven you simply don't expect perfection and that's
an individual balance. And the reason often I can give you rules, do this, do this, do this, you'll succeed. With imposter syndrome, it's harder because each situation. is very individual all right let's see nba hit says my mindset is much more healthy now i fully accepted you can't know everything and no one looks down on you from being open that is true you're actually
One way to combat imposter syndrome is to be honest about what you're not able to do. And I'll talk more about that in a minute. But Borka says you need to be just hungry enough. That's a really great observation. You should always be stretching yourself some, but not to the point where it starts to cripple you.
right it's just like a rubber band if you stretch it too far it breaks or a muscle if you stretch it too far it pulls or rips or tears stretch it some it warms you up and you're more limber so all right So what else do we say on LinkedIn? Get support from positive friends. If you're suffering from imposter syndrome, get some people you trust who are decent people to tell you how you're really doing.
to either affirm where you need to grow or affirm that you're doing great, or at least you're doing well. You do need honest friends so that you feel like they're not just telling you what they think you need to hear.
it's nice to have sycophants who simply tell you great things and how wonderful you are but that's how you get the story the emperor has no clothes um and You don't want people who tell you you're great when you're not, at least not very many of them, because obviously that leaves you exposed like the emperor not having any clothes, if you know that story.
But getting a positive friend, a mentor, someone who can help you really give you a positive and reasonable expectation or view of your performance is a big lever. speaking of which i haven't talked a lot about our mentor network a couple good things happening there number one We're about two, two and a half months into the initial three-month pilots. We're going to collect results from that and figure out what to do next. Number two, the volunteer dev team met yesterday.
talked about how they're going to construct tools to scale the network, and started work on that scaling. So that's all actually happening. It's just getting started now because it took a little while to get the design down. We had a design team looking at the visuals and the information architecture.
They've done some work and now the dev team is starting work. So I've been frankly a little disconnected because I've been on vacation. When I get back on the same time zone, most of our people working on it are in the U.S. I will catch up. So let me finish this list and then we'll talk more about next steps on mentorship. All right. So here are the other things you can do.
Get away from toxic critics. If there's someone in your life who's always telling you how much you suck, it's just like you don't want someone, although they're less damaging, who's always telling you how completely perfect and awesome and wonderful you are and has no ability to give you a real view of where you might improve having someone who's always down on you that will wear anyone down
It doesn't matter how strong and independent-minded you are within reason, endless critics will wear you down. Now, there are a few people who become resistant to critics. For those of you who know about him, the late John McCain, the senator, he was held prisoner. In the Vietnam War, he was shot down and he was held prisoner in a place called the Hanoi Hilton for seven years. So after being a prisoner of war for seven years, he then later became a senator.
and dealt with political criticism and people who didn't like him. Now, you can like John McCain's work or not. It's not about his politics. He was pretty impervious to their criticism because, frankly, None of it really much was like being a prisoner of war for seven years. I mean, that's an amazing amount of time. How often in that time do you think he probably figured, well, I'm never getting out of here.
Like I'm going to die here. And so later in life when someone says mean things to you, I'll tell you another version of this story. But the price to get this kind of invulnerability to criticism is very high. But this is a story that's not political. So at least a few years ago, if you went to the spy museum. in Washington, D.C. There's a museum about the art of espionage. And if you went to the Spy Museum, they had this story of a woman. Her name started with an O. It might have been Olga.
I'm not sure, but a woman who was in the Yugoslavian resistance to the Nazi regime. And she had survived that experience and eventually come to America. And I love this story. Feel free to comment on it in chat. What she said was, I struggle when like my kids or people in America say they're worried. or when they have a problem. She said, I struggle with these words because we were worried about the Nazis. The Gestapo was a problem.
And when people talk to her about, oh, yeah, I'm really worried about my boyfriend or I'm really, you know, I've got a problem at work or a problem at home. She just like she's like. So somebody's going to kick your door down, drag you out in the middle of the night, make you kneel down and put a bullet in the back of your head, bury you anonymously in a ditch. Oh, no. Oh, so what exactly is the problem again?
So, admittedly, this is one way to break free of worry. Probably too high of a price. So I can't recommend that strategy to you, given that. If you're around toxic critics, go somewhere else. Get away from that. I think this woman would have been very happy to get away from the Nazis rather than deal with them.
right just didn't have that choice same thing i'm pretty sure john mccain would have been very happy to get out of the hanoi hilton after seven days or seven weeks not seven years he just didn't have that choice so sure You can build up resistance to criticism. It's just the cost of doing it. to that level is very high and so if you have a critic you can get away from someone like that who's not useful criticism they're just always down on you just get away gatekeeping worrying all right
So let's see what else. We talked about most of it. The last thing I would say is if you suffer from imposter syndrome, ask for help. There's nothing wrong with being transparent. One of the commenters on my post, a guy I'll have on the show in a couple weeks, retired General Chris Hughes, he's a... U.S. Army general, a two-star, retired a couple years ago, has led way bigger teams than I ever will and in combat. He's going to come on the show and talk about it.
I've developed a relationship with him because we both advise the same company. He's amazing. But he said, look, be transparent. Be authentic. Be what? I can read his comment. Where is it?
even as a huge topic my singular advice would be honesty with yourself what are your realistic goals and what is the intent of your workspace to work learn grow income and honesty with peers and mentors a sincere desire to improve and i think he's right um being open and transparent with what help you need As Hitch said before he left, people will...
tolerate you not knowing something and not being able to do it if you're open honest and transparent about it and of course if it's not too often i guess if you never know anything and you're always asking for help that will become a burden
but doing it openly and honestly when you need help, not a burden. All right, so imposter syndrome, the wrap-up is... don't be afraid to get actual counseling if you have big issues with confidence or self-performance i did i went to a therapist about it i had to learn about it my issues were really
based in having had a critical family. So don't be afraid to address it that way. But in a workplace setting, positive friends and mentors... understanding performance and trying to have an objective standard rather than a subjective one where you judge yourself too harshly get away from the toxic critics and ask for help that's that's kind of the recipe So now we're done. We're free. I'm happy to chat about anything you want for a little while. What if you're married? You're a toughest critic.
i don't know maybe i'll maybe i'll throw this one to the audience here um my my audience that's sitting next to me what do you do if you're married to your toughest critic i am not by the way i am not married to my toughest critic i have a world of critics and a very supportive wife um i mean you never want a divorce right if you can avoid it that's not a good one but i guess talking to your spouse
And saying, look, like you're the person I look to have in my corner and I don't mind if you give me feedback. But tearing me down isn't going to work. Right? Like tearing me down. What if you are your toughest critic? This is what's normal in imposter syndrome. Shape noise. It's normal that in imposter syndrome, specifically...
You are too much of a critic of yourself and you're holding yourself to standards no one else is. You have this illusion. That's why it's called imposter syndrome. It's the idea. that you have constructed a belief in your head that you're inadequate, but no one else has this belief. And so in a case like that... what you have to do is find ways other voices that can balance out the one in your head and that's why i said a therapist friends
positive colleagues, a mentor. There's a list of people who can voices, objective data, performance feedback from a supportive boss. That's how you have to counterbalance the over-criticism in yourself. Yeah, this streamer, this syndrome is very common among streamers. I was talking to Crudy Kanagia in email. Streamers have this, for those of you who know, she's Dr. K's.
wife works on healthy gamer streamers have a lot of problems with this but they're not alone they feel like of course hey i'm doing this i'm making all this money as a big streamer people like me Maybe they're giving me big donations or telling me how wonderful I am. And really all I do is play a few games, but I live in my mom's basement or... i never got through college people are going to find out i'm a fraud it's a big problem
And a lot of that, that's why Dr. K talks about it, is he's addressing the mental health parts of it. And I'm trying to address, this also happens in the workplace, I'm trying to address the business side of it, of what you can do in the business world.
what else you got what do people want to talk about let's see maximus says i'm kind of going through this right now with the startup idea i've been grappling with the idea that i can lead a team but it's so new to my experience level that i question that i am the right person yeah well gosh imposter syndrome is worse in leadership or can be and it's certainly tough as a first time startup founder, you're going to have to wrestle with it over and over.
Leading a startup means finding that there are things you need to do that you don't know how to do. Raise money, sell, sign office leases, buy insurance, set up benefit plans, on and on and on this list. long and there's no one else to do it besides you often in a small new startup to be a startup founder means being comfortable or finding a way to deal with the fact you have to plow through lots of tasks you don't know how to do or that you at least haven't done now the good thing is
you can take a viewpoint that says well there's no one else going to do them so it's me or nobody and you can take a viewpoint that says at least it's a small company and it's mostly me and my money or me and my co-founders who are on the line And then as soon as you can, you can hire help or get advice. But there's a lot of sayings that address this, right? It's lonely at the top. The buck stops here.
There's a biblical one, I think, or biblically derived that says, uneasy rests the head that wears the crown. If you're going to be in charge, the price of that is probably sleeping poorly. Yeah. So Noel Heave, I agree with that, by the way. Imposter syndrome is probably true in a lot of the entertainment industry. Because you see, entertainment... often isn't viewed as a real skill like i'm just telling jokes just or this is a good riff thank you for this i'm just telling jokes i'm just singing
I'm just acting. I'm not even doing something real. I'm just pretending. I'm here on the screen and my job is to pretend to be somebody else. There's no skill here and people are paying me money and wanting my autograph. How can that be right? They're going to figure out I'm just an idiot.
Why did I say I like this riff? The word just is dangerous. Anytime you say it's just this or it's just that, you're probably... over simplifying there isn't a gas leak anymore she's broken she went off all morning um okay so going back to just it's so easy to say Just this or just that. Just work harder. Just get good grades. Just study. Just pay attention in school. Just go to class. Just, you know.
uh be open-minded just think all of these we try and simplify things because they're easy for us or we want to we want to pretend they're simple and they're not oh he's just a streamer she's just a gamer anytime you find yourself using the word just to describe something realize you're probably taking what's very hard for you or other people And simplify. Yeah. Just get a house. Just pay your taxes. Just do it. Yeah. Perfect example, actually. Right. Nike has a whole slogan. Hey.
look what we did we took lebron james or we took uh pick who you want right we took an olympic athlete wow we put them on screen and show usain bolt wearing our stuff although he might have been adidas i don't know it doesn't matter We take someone like that. We take a Super Bowl winning quarterback or running back, show them in our shoes and point to you and say, oh, look, he can do it.
Just do it. Hey, it's Tom Brady. You can just do it too. You can just win half a dozen Super Bowls and marry a supermodel. Just be Tom Brady. It doesn't work that way for most of us. I'll give you for the tech people in the audience. We do this in tech all the time. Engineers are incredibly arrogant. And I've done this many times.
A lot of you know Amazon Web Services. For the rest of you, it's pretty easy to follow along. Amazon built this service called S3, the Simple Storage Service. It's a giant... ability it's a it's a cloud service that allows you to store almost anything in the cloud but you can say oh it's just a big database it's just an archival system well
The last time I knew, it had way over 100 trillion objects in it stored around the world, fast response, blah, blah, blah. And that's old news, by the way. The 100 trillion is way old. The point is to describe it as just any other piece of technology is wrong. It's just a big box. Yeah, it's just. it's just storage it's all of these descriptions and yet people do it's all oh s3 that's not very advanced it's just storage it's just a database it's just a cloud database it's just a repository
This doesn't work. So anytime you hear this, anytime anybody says just something to you, oh, just do this, just do that, it's just this, it's just that, listen. It's just a gas leak. It's just a piece of broken equipment. Anytime this happens, ask yourself,
How real is that? Like, is that a fair description of the complexity? And anytime you... find yourself saying to someone just do this or just do that oh just make dinner tonight would you um can you just run to the store well if it's that damn easy why don't you get off the couch and run to the store or make dinner right if it
Can you just do the dishes? Just pick up your socks? It's a dangerous word and people don't realize it. This is actually something I rarely claim that I've invented tons of new thoughts or brought new things together. Awareness of how dangerous in the American English use of the word just is. Serious problem. Now this is funny. We'll go another direction. 40 Pink Dragons is here. She wants me to talk about another word. And since we're on a riff, we'll go for it. She hates the word should.
So if you're at all familiar with Alcoholics Anonymous, I think they're the source. Maybe it's from somewhere else. They call something shoulding on yourself. You don't should on yourself. i should be thinner i should work harder i should be doing better this will lead to imposter syndrome by the way i should be a better person i should donate more i should work out more i should eat healthier food
You can bury yourself in shoulds. You can also bury other people in shoulds. And so, as I understand, 40 PDs complain. I and others can say to her, like we have some stuff we're thinking of doing in Rome tomorrow for maybe our last day here before we go somewhere else. I can say, well, you should come with me to see this site.
She doesn't like that. She's like, don't tell me what I should do. Either ask me to do it, tell me you need me to do it, or leave me the hell alone, but don't make it some moral argument. Do I have that right? yes i'm getting a nod tell me i would like you to come to saint peter's basilica i believe you would like to see it
I want you to come. I don't have any reason other than I want your company. Or, hey, St. Peter's Basilica is beautiful. I believe you'd enjoy it. But don't say you should come. I try to avoid this with her, but it's tough. It's like the language just. It's part of our colloquial language. Aha. The English language is triggering me. It is. Just stop using the word. I will.
um all right let me see uh oh modern picasso i'm looking at all the chat now real quick same with following up the clients who aren't responding and you're like just checking to see if yeah You're never just doing anything. It's always loaded. I think the word only often gets used negatively too. That's right. It's only. Yeah. A lot of these words, yeah, I should show up earlier than minute 42 to a stream. Well, you probably should do that, but it's just very hard. I know that. Okay.
Should is more as the right suggestion rather than suggestion. Yeah, the thing is, it's emotionally loaded. I believe you would like to do this is a transparent statement. You should do this.
is putting moral judgment on it i've decided what's right for you i'm not giving advice i'm not asking a question i've decided and then i'm phrasing it as opposed to telling do the damn laundry i need you to is direct we should do laundry today is passive aggressive right that's that's where it really gets passive aggressive is where you no longer even say you should do laundry or
You should go to the store, but you make it a we. We should go to the store. We just need a few things. All right, so I'm off track a little, but I forgot how I got on this. The point was...
These choices of words will get you into imposter syndrome because people like to load expectations on top of you, and you can also do it yourself. You make a long list of, I should just do X. right and that uses both words i should just should puts the moral on it and just puts the implication that it's simple or easy and that's where those two words come together and become deadly
I should just, you should just contains moralizing combined with oversimplifying. And that will lead you down a rotten road every time. All right. Depends, Mirbick. We is better if it really means we, but if we is passive-aggressive, and you don't really mean we, you mean you. We need to take the garbage out today when what you're doing is hinting. Could you take the garbage out? That's passive aggressive. Now.
In order to paint the room, we need to move the table. True. In order to complete this project, we need 10 people in two weeks might be a statement of fact. And so we can be inclusive. The trick is, are you using it honestly to include others or are you using it passively aggressively to try to avoid saying you and giving an order or giving direction? The one use is good. The other is bad. We should just. Okay.
Yeah. Modern Picasso said we in the workplace usually means the subordinate is actually doing the work sometimes. Yeah. And that's when it's passive aggressive. That's when a boss is better off to say. I need you to X. Now, he can say, would you please X? I need it. Or the project needs it. But it shouldn't be a... We need this done. Is there anybody here who can do it? That's bullshit. Okay, what else we got?
and he tried to should on his kids yeah don't should on people yeah the royal we is obnoxious that's another we um we would prefer our dinner served at seven well great what are you gonna do about that um sending vod to my boss feel free you know uh if you ever want your boss this is a great quick trick if you ever want your boss or if you want to give someone a hint you're totally free to say hey there's this guy i watch on twitch on youtube
I listened to his podcast. His name's Ethan. He worked at Amazon for a while. He's got some really great advice, and there was a great episode that I think you might like. i'm going to send you the link check it out and then they hear what they hear So if you're a boss and you're listening to this now, you just got clued in that maybe you just your team or you we your team or you should your team and they're trying to tell you something in a very nice, if slightly passive aggressive way.
But if you're going to be a good boss, maybe actually take in the feedback and consider your behavior. Consider that you can't get anything done without your team helping you. And if you inspire your team. rather than denigrate your team, they'll do more for you because you actually can't force people to work. You can only inspire them to work.
And so if they want to work for you, they will do a lot. And if they're just collecting a paycheck until they can find another job, they will do what they need to get by, but you won't get nearly the productivity you could.
from leading well so if you just heard this and you're wondering did he or she send me that link because they want to send me a message the answer is yes but don't go back and punish them instead realize you just got to open a huge door of opportunity where you can transform your relationship with your team all right okay everybody so it's been fun i'm not going to make a long stream of it
I might do one more before we leave Italy. Otherwise, I have a lot of guests lined up for when I get back. Let's see. Can I have some advice on what job offer to pick as a new grad? I have three currently fintech company consulting firms. uh and two consulting firms choose the one you really want to do choose the one um that will uh that you will do the best work at because you're going to love it
Choose the one that will challenge you. Choose the one with a supportive boss or environment is best you can tell. But if you have a choice in work, do work you're going to like. Because if you like the work, it's similar to what I just said.
And that's a valid use of just. I'm referring to the recent past. I just said it. If you are... doing work you like for people you'll like you'll do better work and that will advance your career faster and you'll be happier on the way happy happy workers get more done so I don't have enough context but pick what you love
Pick something because even if it's about money, if you take the lower paying job, if it happens to be lower paying that you're going to love, you'll end up making more money soon because you'll do better work. All right. The fintech company has lowest pay. Yeah. So, well, is that what will give you satisfaction working on something, you know, so that you can do better work? Because I talk about we'll pull up.
the magic loop synopsis here real quick can you do that um but if you run the magic loop in any of these jobs you will Grow quickly and get better pay or be able to ask for or command better pay So pay isn't really the issue as long as it's enough to pay your rent right now It's what you want to do that you will enjoy, that you'll be able to put your heart into, that you'll be able to invest the extra.
to do steps two and four of this loop, or if you prefer, after you do two and after you do four, to do three and to do five, to actually do the extra work. you have two other offers but you really want to work for them and can they work with you with pay all right commentary that's correct if you have two other offers it's legit to say look i would like to take this job however it's the lowest paying of three offers can you work with me on that
Or if you want to be less passive than that, since we talk about passive-aggressive, I will take this job if you can come closer to the pay I'm getting in these other jobs, or if you can add $5,000, or whatever your number is.
okay um all right i'm gonna call it for today i will be back on maybe before we fly home otherwise once i'm back in the u.s i have a bunch of guests to catch up on nba hitch just came back he does the magic loop all the time go see his testimony on our discord um in the career success channel he's been talking about what it's done and i've actually started giving him a few hints he's had so much success he's now getting stretched too thin he's being
given so much to do that the next step for him is he really needs to build some of his skills, fundamental skills, and bring other people in behind him to support the work he's being asked to do. But it's working for him. Alright everybody, see you later.