14 Learning What you Can Control

Shawna:   0:00
and welcome to the less stress family podcast where we believe you are valuable and what

Shawna:   0:10
you do matters. Thistles. Episode number 14 I am Justin Wood and I am Shauna Would. Okay, Do you know where that comes from? Uh, that comes from when we first got married. You had a very long your maiden name. Yes. Was long. Yes. And then you didn't care if he might through

Justin:   0:35
extra letter on would like whatever so

Shawna:   0:39
short like No, that's not okay. So would

Shawna:   0:43
yes. And I'm just in the habit of always introducing myself by my first and last name. True. True. And you're like, Hey, Pete. Hey. People always have to your last name That goes together. Shauna would

Justin:   0:55
there? How are you?

Justin:   0:56
I'm good. How are you today? I'm good, I think. Good.

Shawna:   1:00
Yeah. We're gonna talk about some good stuff. This is really good stuff.

Justin:   1:04
It is good. It's heavy.

Shawna:   1:05
It's having It can be.

Justin:   1:07
It can be heavy. We realized we were kind of looking back on these episodes that most of them really were kind of weighty subjects or intense, intense. But I think the thing is that if something is waiting and heavy than it probably is causing stress on dhe, the things that are, like, super fluffy and easy like. We don't need to talk about those on the podcast about reducing your stress. Very

Shawna:   1:34
true. So today we're gonna talk about focusing on what you can control. It is definitely a learning process.

Justin:   1:42
It is

Shawna:   1:42
to figure out the things you actually can control and the things you cannot control.

Justin:   1:46
Right? So the reality is that if you even imagine, like you take a piece of paper you folded in half, you crease it, you open it back up. 1/2 are things that you can control. 1/2 are things that you cannot control. And there's a huge amount of stress when we don't know what side the list. Something is all

Shawna:   2:07
right. And most of us don't. And most of us live our lives trying to control things we cannot control. Yes, and it's kind of sad. Yeah, it is. I mean, like, it's emotionally and stressful. He said yes for sure. For me and you and everyone else.

Justin:   2:21
Yeah, definitely. So we've decided to share a really extreme example of this with you guys today. Ah, we had the experience of having a loved one. Um, come as close as a person could come to committing suicide in our home. Ah, and still be alive to tell the tale later. And so in that moment, there was such high intensity emotion. Yeah, for everyone involved.

Shawna:   2:52
Even our kids who didn't know what was going on,

Justin:   2:54
even yeah, even the ones that were able to shields because they were too young and we were trying to protect that.

Shawna:   3:02
I don't think anybody knows.

Justin:   3:03
No, they still don't know. But our emotions we were so fried and the intensity was so much that it's still impacted them.

Shawna:   3:13
Yeah, in we felt helpless, and we felt like we had messed something up. We had failed. Somehow, um, we felt all that plus understanding that that person was completely trapped and stuck where they were, right? So

Justin:   3:29
So in that time, it helped us to be able to process because we did already have that grid at that time of Can I control this? Can I not control this? And so being able to step back or to zoom out just a little bit and see? Okay, we cannot control what is running through this person's head right now. We cannot control what this person does, but we can come up with an action plan of strategies to get professional help for this person.

Shawna:   4:03
Of the things that we can do right? This person,

Justin:   4:06
we can't help ourselves physically be in that person's presence, you know, 100% of the time until we can come up with a safety. Er safer option. Um and we implemented some strategies to care for the other kids that were in the house. Ah, we implemented some strategies to care for ourselves,

Shawna:   4:27
right? Right. It was huge, but it took a while. I mean, like, you deal with the trauma or you deal with the immediate emergency and then you slowly start to step back when you realize that the professionals have taken over in the situation, there was well go into detail. But there was a lot of things that happened by professionals, right, that we realize OK, this person that we love is in better hands and care than we could ever provide. Right now, right at this particular time, right? And so slowly we start to peel off the layers right that we're like, Okay, what just happened? You know, I mean, something traumatic happens like that you're trying to figure out, like, what's did you do that? You know, Did I cause that what? Right. You know, you start blaming yourself, you start, you just trying to figure out what's going on. So it's a process of figuring out what you can control. Yes. And I think that's what everything. That's kind of extreme example, right? Right. But go ahead.

Justin:   5:29
So we heard early in our parenting journey, I think, actually, when our oldest biological child was maybe just a toddler, Um, we heard gentlemen by the name of Danny Silk Speak, and he has a parenting program loving on purpose. And he had a quote that just really stood out to me and that we have used a lot Is that on a good day, the only thing you can control is yourself.

Shawna:   5:58
That's hard to digest. It

Justin:   5:59
is hard. So on a good day, the only thing you can control is yourself. And I think that that's good to remember, because on a bad day, like I spends out and freak out about things, you know,

Shawna:   6:16
you know like I did that this morning about anything in our lives.

Justin:   6:19
I know. So we have lots of grace for those guys out times. Eventually, eventually. But, um, you know it. That is the thing. Like, especially as we're looking at parenting and we're looking at relationships with other human beings. You can manipulate people, and you can scare people, and you can threaten people. But when it really all gets boiled down, you cannot control other people. You can on Lee control yourself and your choices. Your thoughts, your words,

Shawna:   6:50
right? Right. And you can if you're in a system that allows you manipulate control people that will work for a little while, it will. You can force people to do stuff, you know. You're the ball, sir. Whatever. You can manipulate your way into thinking there. It just doesn't last.

Justin:   7:07
It's not a long term. It's a

Shawna:   7:10
stressful if you're around people who just manipulate and just try to force feed everything to people, right? They're not very fun people to be around either. Right after you talk about Vicky stress on them. Yeah, even though they think they're in control of everyone.

Justin:   7:26
Right? And that's why you know. I mean, we think we hear these stories all the time of super controlling conservative parents who have maintained, you know, they're so proud because they've maintained this tight ship with their Children. And then

Shawna:   7:42
you you got so many lives

Justin:   7:44
one that their child leaves the home and they're like, Whoa, you know, because they've been manipulated their whole life. They haven't, you know, had those things cultivated inside of them. So, you know, at some point, you see No, you really didn't have control of your childhood room, right? And so, you know, the stressful thing is when you were trying to control something that you cannot control.

Shawna:   8:13
Yeah, that you will end up. You can be in the hospital with the E R room. You know what I mean?

Justin:   8:18
Just just

Shawna:   8:19
trying to control things that you have. You just can't write. And you're so zoomed in to that problem that you think you can control it, right? Right. And you can't.

Justin:   8:29
I mean, even if you just think about for them for a moment. Do you know anyone who spins? Ah, lot of time and emotion discussing politics. Like I know some people that like could blow up into a rage like heart attack inducing rage, talking about political parties, right? What? Like, really? Is that the best use of your time and your energy?

Shawna:   8:57
What do you control that situation?

Justin:   8:58
What do you control in that zero? So, you know, and you were just in the situation. You just had a phone call with a business

Shawna:   9:07
opportunity. Yeah. Uh uh. I was talking to someone. I'm tryingto say this in a way. It's a potential business opportunity. So I called maybe 20 minute phone call, and I just started asking questions. They're asking questions about me and ask questions about them. And they spent most of their time talking about problems that they cannot control in that organization. And that was it. That's what they were focused on. I was like,

Justin:   9:32
Ok, thank thank you. Bye bye. It's good.

Shawna:   9:34
Yeah, I'll be

Justin:   9:35
praying for you too.

Shawna:   9:37
You don't know me, but I was, like, run away Because all their energy is like that person was talking as like, you can't control that in my mind. Because I had the grid can control. Can't control. So what are you doing? How did What is what does it look like in day to day operations? And they were talking. I was like, Oh, crap. Run away from this group. I feel kind of icky. Still

Justin:   9:59
like I kind of wanted, like, taken emotional

Shawna:   10:01
share. No, no, because because I have the grid, right, they're operating things that cannot control that that group is headed for bad. Mean they are sinking there, a sinking ship, right? Because there is no vision, There's no leadership there that's going to guide them. And if I was coaching them, I could point that out. But, you know, I didn't have that.

Justin:   10:23
You weren't in that position position? Yeah, right. And so And that they were really especially the individual you were speaking to super reactive

Shawna:   10:31
and zooming in to

Justin:   10:32
zoomed in, focused on the problem but stuck toe where she couldn't even zoom out and see another perspective. I like.

Shawna:   10:43
I was Yeah, it was like I couldn't even talk. Yeah, I was like, I was trying to have a conversation, and it was like someone who's stuck in the corner facing the wall like that's all that she could see was that corner of the light like you got this whole room to operate in. It was like, this is the problem in the corner over here. Like there's a spider. You know, whatever it was like Whoa, so

Justin:   11:03
right. And we have been walking through something. So we've been talking about the possibility of getting a larger home, right? And so we had a realtor come out.

Shawna:   11:12
I don't know why we would

Justin:   11:13
I don't know. I mean, it's working out well, we got eight people in four bedrooms gonna kick me out, keep you keep you. So the realtor came over, and he was like, We've never This is our first home. We've never sold a home before. So he was given us Realtor 101 And, you know, explaining. And he's a friend, I think quite highly of him. He's He's great. Um, but how other houses in our area, what they sold for that are comparable in size will impact what our house is worth. And we can't control that. No, Um a And he was talking about, you know, the area. We live seriously in the middle of nowhere, like officially in the sign. And

Shawna:   12:02
it's like this if I'm out in the yard working any day that I'm out. Even I went to go the mail, like twice this past week. Someone stops car like, Is this the way to such and such? Because they're just like,

Justin:   12:13
there's no GPS.

Shawna:   12:15
The words you use work

Justin:   12:17
anyway, So he was like, Well, there's not a whole lot of shoppers. Okay? Also, something

Shawna:   12:25
we can't control.

Justin:   12:25
We cannot, You

Shawna:   12:26
know, we can talk about it now. But when he was saying that I'm like crap, you know, like when someone tells you something, right that you don't really want to hear. You're like, Oh, how can I fix this? Released? I am. I know you are. Because you like the fix things, right? Right. But it's like we can't control that,

Justin:   12:43
right? So afterwards and after we were able to debrief with each other, you know, we were looking

Shawna:   12:48
for the extrovert. You want to yap about it? I'm the interview, right? I want to go alone and think about it. So eventually come back together,

Justin:   12:54
man. He's gonna be on this one for two weeks before he's rated Talk. I know here does. The next day we're talking, but so we talked about What? What can we control? There are some home improvements that we have never gotten around to that need to happen. We can control that. He was anything smaller than a football. I think it's what he said. We need to get out of the house. Alice is some

Shawna:   13:19
clutter like which kids are going to have a meeting. I had a family meeting. All right, kids, some of you are out your team.

Justin:   13:26
You gotta go. You got too much stuff. Eso de cluttering, purging. Those are all things that are in our control that will still impact the situation of selling the house and even, you know, like with your health, if people get all tour up talking about, how will you know? Aunt Susie and Uncle Bub and Grandpa George and all these people all had, you know, whatever health issues, he's some disease. And you know, I'm just going to get it because that's just what happens to people. My family. You can't control your genetic history. You can't control today. The fact that you smoked for 10 years when you were younger can't get on that.

Shawna:   14:08
Go on, let it go.

Justin:   14:09
Let it go. But What can you control? You can control your diet to

Shawna:   14:13
put the doughnuts down. Put the soda down. Quit drinking that crap.

Justin:   14:18
Yes, you can exercise. You can do those things, so it will help you decrease your stress level. If you were able to look at a situation and filter, can I control this? Can I not control this and on Lee, focus your energy and your time on the things that you can truly control.

Shawna:   14:38
And I've known this, but I had to go back through and make a list. For about a month now, I've had just random projects, things from business projects to this property. Homesteading to the how home indoor home projects. And I finally just made a list. It was so nice. Like it's just out of my brain, right? It's into this. I can control these things, right? I can't control these other things. Right? So it just made me happy. I might just burn the list. Never do it. I know you. You will make the last of it like it's gonna get

Justin:   15:11
done. Let me see your office.

Shawna:   15:14
I'm kind of right in some of the language.

Justin:   15:17
Invisible ink. Yeah. So it, Really? It brought to mind the serenity prayer that most people have heard before. But God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Shawna:   15:33
Right? And that difference is sometimes hard to find.

Justin:   15:35
It is It's my prayer for everybody listening.

Shawna:   15:39
I'm gonna pray for you for that.

Justin:   15:42
All right. Thanks for taking time on that note to tune in and hang out with us. Remember, you are valuable and what you do matters. You're also not alone. Connect with us and the rest of the less stress family community on our website or on Facebook or on our

Shawna:   16:00
personal instagrams. I'm Shauna Street. Would Justin Ray would I hope

Justin:   16:06
that you guys

Shawna:   16:06
have a blessed day. Thank you.