Why You’re Really Struggling with Empty Nest Syndrome—and How to Fix It

Welcome to the Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast , your cozy corner of the world , where we'll sip on life's lessons and squeeze the most out of every moment . I'm Melissa , your coach , cheerleader and maybe even a little bit like that mom who always has a warm hug and the best advice waiting for you .

If you're a woman over 40 feeling like life's left you a little lost , aimless or downright stuck , you're in the right place . This is where your joy , your freedom and your purpose come back into focus . Together , we'll laugh , learn and rediscover what makes you come alive , because it's not too late .

This is your time , so grab a cup of something warm , settle in and let's start creating the next most beautiful chapter of your life together . Start creating the next most beautiful chapter of your life together . When people come to me , they come to me with this question about like , what do I do with my empty nest ?

I feel empty now that all of my kids are grown and what do I do with that ? And this is actually a question that I keep asking myself , and I've been asking myself this question for several years , like what is it that actually makes a family a family ?

And I think this is a really appropriate question to be asking these days , because there are so many different versions of what a family is , and I think you know , when a lot of people think of family , they just think of a mom , dad and the children that they bring into the world . But there's more to it than that , and what is it that makes a family ?

What is it that actually creates the ties that bind us together ?

It's a good question , a question , I think , that's worth answering , a question , I think that's worth really thinking about , really pondering , because I have four kids and I have five grandkids , and two of my kids are through adoption and two of them are by birth , and all of my grandkids come from my adopted children .

But it's really interesting because throughout the years , we've never really thought about them as being my adopted children .

At least , I've never thought that and I don't think they have either , whenever people would see us together as a family when all the kids were living at home , they would be shocked to find out that the older two were my adopted children , because I treat them no different . I love them , no different than the two that I gave birth to . So what is it ?

What is it that makes that possible ? What is it that binds us together ? What is it that creates that tie ? And when we're talking about creating these ties , some of it is choice . Right , I choose to love them as much as I love my birth children , but a lot of it has to do with our makeup , how we're designed .

It has to do with our brain and it has to do with chemicals . The chemicals that I'm talking about are dopamine , serotonin and oxytocin , and all of these are the really feel good chemicals that your brain releases when you're experiencing positive emotions . So dopamine is often called the happy hormone . It's released when you experience anything that's pleasurable .

So it could be good food like chocolate cake , hello or peanut butter , yes . Or it could be sex . Sex releases dopamine when you have that close intimacy with another person , or even being praised can release dopamine into your system . So good experiences release the happy hormone . And then there's also serotonin , and this is known as the feel-good hormone .

This is the one that helps prevent depression and anxiety , and releasing serotonin into your bloodstream is like an antidepressant . So serotonin and dopamine . And then we also have oxytocin , and oxytocin is known as the love hormone . When you give birth to a child , your brain floods your body with oxytocin so that you will bond with that child .

It is how we are designed . It is for survival . We have to bond with the child that we birth , because that child can't survive without us , with the child that we birth , because that child can't survive without us . So it's important to have all of these chemicals released into your body and that is what creates those bonds .

It's those chemicals being released into your body creating those bonds . So , whether your child is a foster child or an adopted child or a child by birth , all those hormones have a really big part to play , and that's a huge part of what ties us together , what creates those bonds .

Because I have friends that I look at as family members and I treat them as family members . They're like family to me . And how is that possible unless there's something that happens more than just giving birth ? I don't think giving birth is what creates family , because how many women give up their children for adoption ? How many women neglect their children ?

I mean , there's a lot that creates a family and it's more than just birth , it's choice and it's also those chemicals being released into your bloodstream . One of the things that I told my kids when they were younger is that they get to choose .

One of their biggest jobs as kids is to watch the adults around them and choose who they want to emulate when they grow up . I told them you know , you might see something in me that you can't stand and you think to yourself I don't want to do that when I grow up .

Or you might see something in your dad that you're like yes , that's what I want to do when I grow up . That's one of the biggest jobs that kids have is to watch the adults around them and decide like who do I want to be when I grow up ? But even as an adult , you get to choose .

I was working with a client several weeks ago and she doesn't have that great of a relationship with her mother , like so many of us don't . The mother wound is very , very real .

Not everyone has a perfect , beautiful relationship with their mother and being able to help her see and help her understand that she actually can choose who she allows to speak into her life . That was really huge for her to make that realization . And I think in the church we're told honor your father and your mother . And I think we get that .

There's different ways to honor . We'll just say it that way . There's different ways to honor and honor doesn't always equal full access . You don't get to have full access to me just because you gave birth to me . These are really really heavy concepts that I work on with a lot of my clients , but I just want you to hear this right now you get to choose .

Even as an adult , you get to look at the other adults around you and go . I don't want to be like that , or , yeah , I want to be like that . You actually get to choose . You get to choose how you experience this life . So just hear that you get to choose who you allow to mother you . So I'm 55 right now and I still need a mom .

I still need someone to mother me . I still need someone to go to , to talk to , to ask questions to , and I get to choose that . My mom's since passed away , but even if she was still here , I don't always have to listen to every single thing that she says and take it on as gospel truth .

In my life , I get to seek out the people that I want to speak into my life , so you get to choose too . Okay , so we talked about dopamine , serotonin and oxytocin creating those bonds right , helping us to create that family feeling . So what is it then ?

What is it that makes the nest feel so empty For some of us when our kids leave home , it really is heart-wrenching . I have several clients right now that are feeling that emptiness at home . Whether all their kids are already gone or if the emptiness is looming ahead , they're feeling it .

They're feeling the emptiness inside depression , and they just don't even know what to do with themselves anymore . So what is it that makes our nest feel so empty ? Well , one of the big things that all of those chemicals do the oxytocin , the dopamine and the serotonin .

One of the things that those chemicals do is they create that family feeling , like we already talked about . What is the family feeling , though ? It is love , safety and belonging , and you have to have love , safety and belonging in this life to survive . It is how we are designed . I always think back to cavemen when I think about design .

Right , because that's early man , we're just now walking the earth . However you believe man got here is irrelevant to me . I believe the scriptures and what the scriptures say about how we got here , but it really doesn't matter what you believe about how we got here . The point is we are designed very , very simply .

Our brain , the survival part of our brain , must have love , safety and belonging . It must have those three things to survive . So think about cavemen . They had to have safety . Safety comes in numbers . Safety also comes inside the cave .

The moment they step out of the cave they're not safe , right , they could die at any moment , but inside the cave they had safety .

They had belonging with other cavemen and the way that they had that belonging was to love each other , to care for each other , to help each other , to care for each other , to help each other , to provide for each other love , safety and belonging . So I always think of cavemen when I think about how we are designed .

We're designed very simply we need those three things to survive this life . Without those three things we will perish . So , even though we're living in this modern age and we're not in caves anymore , we still need those three things .

Our brains still need love , safety and belonging to survive , and if any one of those three things is stripped away , our brain thinks that we will die . Your brain thinks that you will die if love , safety and belonging are not present . So let's think about kids leaving home .

Think about the decades you've spent pouring into your kids , the decades that you have set yourself aside in your own needs , the decades that you probably put your husband's needs aside as well , because the kids need you . Right , the kids need you , and there's nothing wrong with pouring into our children . I did the same thing .

I was a stay-at-home mom for 20 years and I poured everything I had into my children . I took my job as a parent very seriously . I wanted to make sure that my kids could survive in the world without me , so I gave everything to them , and when they left home , that love was gone .

Like , who do I love now , if I don't have my kids to love on , who do I love ? Yes , I still had my spouse , but it wasn't the same . It's not the same kind of love that we pour into our kids , that we pour into our spouse or that we pour back into ourselves .

So we spend all this time loving our children , creating that safety net for them , giving them a space to belong . Even through the teenage years , when they're intentionally separating , they know they still belong at home , they know they still have a place to call their own .

And as our kids start to leave , as they drive away , and we're standing in the driveway crying our eyes out and our husbands are trying to console us , our husbands don't understand . In general , they don't get it because they haven't done what we've done . We've spent all of our energy pouring into those children , pouring into our kids .

And when they drive away , that part of our brain that needs love , safety and belonging feels it all being ripped away and it believes that it will die . Consciously , we know that's not the case . Consciously we know we're not going to die just because our kids drive away , but because of how our brain is designed , our brain believes death is imminent .

Without that love , safety and belonging that we have spent decades fostering , it believes we're going to die and we're just standing there waving our kids goodbye . And we know that they're leaving . We know that it's good for them , we know it's the natural next step , but that part of our brain is freaking out . So that's what makes our nest feel so empty .

It's that our brain believes we're going to die without our kids being at home . Consciously , we understand it's the next step , we've prepared them for this , but that part of ourselves , that part of our brain , doesn't understand . It can't understand because its whole purpose is to keep us safe . Its whole purpose is to keep us alive .

And when love , safety and belonging are driving away , it feels like it's going to die . Of safety and belonging are driving away , it feels like it's going to die . And , like I said , our husbands don't really get it . They can't console us because it's not a conscious thought , it's not a conscious process . It's all part of that survival brain .

It's underneath the surface and most of the time we don't even know what's going on . We just know that we're falling apart , right ? So how can you fix it ? What can you do to make that empty nest not feel so empty ? There's a word , it's one word . I'm going to tell you the one word it's intention . The word is intention .

That is how you can make your empty nest not feel so empty is with intention . So , wherever you are on the spectrum of life , whether your kids are still at home , maybe older , preparing to leave , go off to college , go off into the world , whatever it is that they're going to do , or your kids are already gone .

Regardless of what stage you're in , with intention you can make this better . With intention , you can make your emptiness not feel so empty . But what are you going to be intentional about ? Is it just a thought process ? Are you manifesting something ? What are you doing ? You're connecting . Through intentional connection , you can help that emptiness not feel so empty .

You can create love , safety and belonging elsewhere in your life . You can create it with friends . You can create it with your spouse Now , if your kids are still home . Start now . Don't wait until your kids leave to do this . Start now If they've already gone , start now . It's not too late . I want to share with you something that my Aunt Kathy said .

I hope everybody in the world has an Aunt Kathy , because my Aunt Kathy is really amazing . She was an air hostess back in the 60s and she stayed doing that throughout her life , all the way up to retirement . She chose to not have any kids but instead to pour into her nieces and nephews , which , I mean , we're all just so grateful for .

Everybody should have an Aunt Kathy in their lives . But one of the things that Aunt Kathy said to me and this was before I ever got married , it was before I had kids , way before my nest was empty , and I don't even know if she realizes the impact that this had on me .

But one of the things that she said to me was foster your connections with your girlfriends , because men will come and go , but your girlfriends are there for life , and I mean just science alone . Men don't live as long as women do .

So if you are married to a man , more than likely he's gonna pass away before you and you're going to be left again without love , safety and belonging . So foster your connection with your girlfriends , because girlfriends are there for life . And I have to tell you I've seen this for her . I've seen this in her life . She is in her 80s right now .

Her husband has passed away several years ago and her friends sustain her . Her friends give her that love , safety and belonging . She has friends that will drive hours and hours and hours to see her . She has friends that she goes out with every night of the week and just enjoys their presence .

Create connections outside of your kids , and I know this is not easy . I don't know if I could have done it . I was so involved in my kids' lives . I call it my mom bubble . I was in my mom bubble for over 20 years and everything I did was for my kids . Start now fostering those connections with your girlfriends .

Create that love , safety and belonging outside of your kids , even if it's just once a month . Set aside time to get together with your girlfriends . Set aside time to build those connections , because that is going to make it . It's not going to make it perfect , right . Your kids are still going to leave home .

It's still going to hurt , but you'll have connection outside of your relationship with your kids . You'll have love , safety and belonging that is just yours . Are you ready to deepen your connections ? In a world filled with distractions , building meaningful relationships can feel harder than ever , but it doesn't have to be .

I've created 10 Tips for Connection a simple , practical guide to help you strengthen your relationships . 10 Tips for Connection a simple , practical guide to help you strengthen your relationships , communicate with authenticity and build bonds that truly matter , whether it's with your family , friends or even just yourself .

These tips are designed to inspire connection in a way that feels natural and fulfilling . So download your free copy today and start creating the meaningful connections that you've been craving in your life . Maybe you haven't been craving them , but they are connections that you need to create that love , safety and belonging in your life , outside of your mom bubble .

So let's make connection a priority again . So that's it . Create connections with intention . So that's it . Create connections with intention .

Whether your home is still full , you're verging on the empty nest or your kids have already fallen , being intentional and creating those connections that tell your brain that you have love , safety and belonging is the one thing you can do to relieve the emptiness caused when your kids take their natural next step out into the world .

Connect , allow that dopamine , serotonin and oxytocin to flow . Thanks so much for spending a little time with me today on the Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast . I hope you're walking away with something that sparks joy , hope or a fresh perspective for your journey . If you loved today's episode , let's keep the conversation going .

You can find more inspiration , coaching tips and resources over at my website , lemonbalmcoachingcom . Don't forget to follow me on social media for encouragement and updates , and you'll find me on Instagram and Facebook at Lemon Balm Coaching . And hey , if you're looking for a supportive , uplifting community of amazing women just like you .

Come join us in the Reignite your Flame Facebook group . It's a safe , welcoming space where we share , grow and cheer each other on , and you can find the link on my website or just search for Reignite your Flame on Facebook . Remember , honey , just be yourself . The world needs what only you have to offer . Take care and I'll see you in the next episode .