THE PODCAST ON HAUNTED HILL EPISODE 172 - SPECIES AND THE LOVED ONES

The podcast on Haunted Hill will contain spoilers and swearing.

I am the devil, and I am here to do the devil's work. I saw this when I come. And be one of us.

Hello, and welcome to the podcast on Haunted Hill, Sexy 172.

We are your love gurus.

I'm your sexy host, Gav.

I'm your love guru, Dan.

Virtually sitting here with Guru Dan.

For this episode, we are called The Love Cast On Humping Hill.

And we're just gonna talk about all your love problems.

Because this is our Valentine's episode. It's sexy.

It's drippin with sex.

That's a big kiss there, if you will.

Oh, there's a puddle of sex dripped from the ceiling.

We'll try and keep up the sex appeal throughout the whole episode. But, you know...

And we don't really do that. I have to try. It's just flowing.

But Gav, also, this is a good time for you to tell our listeners who are regulars. If you're regular...

Oh, welcome back.

If you're new to the show...

Oh, welcome front.

And if you just pop along now and again...

Oh, side to side.

There you go, guys. Happy Valentine's Day. I appreciate this. Or it probably already passed Valentine's, if you're listening to this. But...

Turn into some sort of Alan Partridge podcast there.

We do try and occasionally put out a Valentine's special. It's difficult to come up with horror films that are love themes. But we have done it about half a dozen times over the years. I don't know.

There's actually a load. But this one, in particular, I said for this show, which I mentioned years ago to do, it just seemed like a good Valentine's one.

Yes. So on that point, then, we are going to be covering for our Valentine's episode. We're going to be getting sexy. We're going to be getting loved up. We're going to be looking at an Australian film I'd never seen before from 2009 called The Loved Ones.

I reckon I saw it at a Fright Fest, so I probably saw it 2009.

A long time ago now. And that is directed by the same guy, The Devil's Candy, who I'm a big fan of. I was a fan of that. And we're pairing that up with, when it comes to sexy films, if you want to cross species, not species, I've just given it away. If you want to cross, I was going to say, if you want to cross between basic instinct, alien and the Terminator, that look no further than the horny alien species.

That's quite a good pairing.

And it's slap bang from 1995. It's slap bang in the middle of the 90s, when all the sexy bob haired blondes, like Michelle Pfeiffer and Kim Basinger and Sharon Stone were going around doing their thing. And yeah, sexy Natasha Henstrich, going to bite your head off after she's bonked you.

Yeah, and I know it's The Loved Ones, it's very Hostel-like, but if Hostel was a romantic movie.

Yeah, or Texas Chainsaw.

It's Texas Chainsaw, a mix of Hostel, mixed with some romance movie, to take a peek.

With drills.

Drills.

In the brain. Oh, so that's what we're covering for this episode, you sexy listeners.

Sexy drilling in the brain. Stick it in.

Pop it in and then pour some hot water in. So Gavin, been up to much? What are you doing? What's going on? Watched anything?

Been a bit busy and broke, could do some more work, but can we always?

Do some more money, really, can we?

Yeah, I think everyone could. Not a huge amount. Working on Deadbolt film stuff. Amanda is pretty much sort of there with it. I've mentioned it before. I'm quite proud of it. It'll be released. The trailer will probably be out in the next week or so.

And there's a fantastic poster as well.

The poster's good. And then probably release the film the next couple of months, I imagine. I'm really happy with it. It's just one last part to be filmed by a demonologist part, which is, I pretty much say it now, because I'm sure he's doing it this week. It's one of those things, you don't like to say stuff until you've actually got the video or you've got the money in the bank. But I think Nicholas Vince will be, I know he is, Nicholas Vince's teeth chatterer from Hellraiser.

We're dropping it like it's hot.

And I'm really proud of it, actually, but it's one of those things I've worked my ass off on it, and I should be working on stuff which actually makes me money, because this doesn't, I put it out on YouTube. So I'm hoping all of you lovely listeners will watch it just to give us some numbers, some views, even if you put it on and walk out the room.

Just put it on a loop continuously for a week.

Get us some numbers for the YouTube. It's all for the cause of the greater good.

Yeah, looking forward to the final version of that coming out, jumping in there.

That's kind of all I've been doing. I haven't really watched much films.

Talking of numbers, we don't often do this, but I just wanted to say the last episode, the Peter Jackson special where we covered the frighteners and bad taste is proving to be one of our most successful episodes within probably the last year. Lots and lots of listens and streams and YouTube views. So you guys obviously love Peter Jackson. I think it might be the frighteners that might have done it because I think you might get the odd person who's just called the frighteners.

Yeah, but also the hardcore horror fan would be like, oh, bad taste. There's probably not many podcasts that cover bad taste.

Either way, Peter Jackson has brought in some numbers for us. So thank you, Sir Peter Jackson. There's only one film for me to mention really, Gav, that I've watched. And that is starring our friend, our lord, our savior, an official podcast mascot, Nicholas Cage. Oh, right, Nicholas Cage. And I watched Pig.

Yeah, I saw it actually when it first came out. I don't know, it wasn't really for me. It's because, I'll tell you why, this is why sometimes it's not good to watch trailers. I remember the trailer in my head, the trailer made out, I feel like, I might be wrong, it made out kind of like a, not John Wick-y, but a slight revenge film, slightly.

Taken, but instead of his daughter, a pig.

And it was that, but without any sort of action.

Exactly, yeah, I was really underwhelmed by it.

You were underwhelmed by it? Yeah, because that's what we were all thinking it was.

I gave it a solid, or a slap bang in the middle, five out of ten, unfortunately.

Yeah, I didn't really like it either. I really feel that the trailer was, obviously got people to watch the film, but I really feel that I'd be... But you may have gotten to watch it, but if you disappoint them with a movie which doesn't deliver what you thought it was going to deliver, then that's kind of a bit redundant.

What tripped me out is it looks fantastic. It's shot really well. And Nicolas Cage is incredible in it. What a performance.

What's his truffle pig?

But there's not really an awful lot going on, really. I love all the characters. I love the small town vibe, like the Twin Peaks vibe going on in the town.

But nothing happens. If you'd have just thrown in at least three scenes of something happening.

Yeah.

So I don't even remember any of it, really.

I can't recommend it. But if you're a fan of Nicholas Cage, then, you know.

If you're a fan of Nicholas Cage, it's fucking hundreds, through the decades.

Pig was his number 100th role when he filmed that. He's done a few films since.

I've heard some people like it, but, you know, it's one of those things, as you and I established earlier on this evening, not long ago, within 60 minutes, actually, of this recording, we established that I'm older now and I don't have much patience with films. And you said yes, and you agreed with me. And it's one of those things. It's so funny how different everyone, being different, just takes in the same movie, but could look at it in a different way. So interesting.

Now, talking of lots and lots of film roles, I always watch Nicholas Cage. I watch pretty much anything he's in. I can't say I've watched every single one of his films, probably a lot of them. There is an actor that I've watched every single one of his films. And I saw the trailer for the new Jackie Chan movie. I'm just going to give this to you. I think I sent it to you. I don't know if you watched it.

Sorry, I forgot.

It's called Panda Plan. The Panda Plan. And it starts Jackie Chan as a panda. Oh, no, he plays himself at a charity event.

He could be like the real life Kung Fu Panda.

Where a panda is because it's like a special panda. I didn't really get it.

The pandas are pretty special anyway.

They're basically these bad guys are after this panda. And as Jackie Chan, he has to protect this baby panda throughout the whole film. And the panda keeps farting.

Is it like hard boiled?

It looks incredible in only a way that Jackie Chan's movie can.

What is he? 70?

He is 71 this year.

Oh, fucking hell, I guess well.

And he's still kicking ass and looking after pandas.

Yeah, it's interesting. I'm coming up to 50 in two years time, which sounds absolutely bonkers because I feel like a fucking 15 year old. Oh, no, I don't mean that. Let's change the words there. I feel like I'm still a 15 year old.

Thank you.

Anyway, it's weird because I started going to the gym and I've still got my strength and I'm doing that. But you feel it. You feel it when you're getting older. You feel it when you sit down. I do. I remember that. It's like, it's like late 20s. When you first start to sit down and go, and you make a sound when you sit down. I don't know why, it just happens. And I feel like, you know, it does take a toll on you, life, everything.

It's because they're conditioned. They've been doing it their whole entire life, aren't they? You know, their body, their body would probably, if they stopped.

Exactly. It's like fucking Lenny from Motorhead, when the doctor said to him, nah, keep drinking, keep drinking that whiskey every day. If you don't, you're probably going to fucking die. Cause it's, your body gets used to it. So yeah, funny.

It is funny, but I just wanted to quickly mention that.

So what I'm saying, Dan, come around and beat me up, and I'll beat you up and we'll just keep doing that and we'll be fine.

Beat each other off. Cause it's our Valentine's special. Oh, beat me up, beat me off. Okay, we'll do that, it's our Valentine's special, so why not? Last thing to mention then, before we have a trailer for our first film, because we haven't got a lot to say, because we're just too full of love, is Gav, you wanted to bring up, talking of love, there is only one spy who's loved us all. He's got around the world, he's got a lot, we'll be covering him a few episodes ago.

Well, it's interesting that we actually covered Bond. We never had just a couple of months ago, no, last month, a couple of episodes ago. And we were like, quintessential Bond, probably check this out. It's pretty much definitive almost. It's got all the cliches, however, if you expect the blueprint of Bond, it really is. And it's funny that we did that. And it's really funny that Daniel Craig's one, spoiler, if you're not seeing the time to die, he dies.

I haven't seen it. Haven't you? No, it's the only one I haven't seen, but I heard that he died.

He kind of can't not know that because it's such a pivotal character, which that never happened. My mum told me, I think it was. I was like, thanks mum.

But your mum also told you the actor that played the pink panther died. Do you mean the actor that played the black panther, Chadwick Boseman? She went, oh yeah, you know.

Yeah, yeah. I was like, Peter Sellers, he died years ago. Oh yeah. He did, eighties I think it was.

I love your one though, for that.

Well, you see where I get it from, don't you? Yeah, yeah. And it's really interesting that they kind of finished that series off in a kind of neat bundle. We had like the 50th year of Bond, and then they had two more bonds since then. I've got a really lovely 50th Bond box set. You've seen that Blu-ray box set of books, and that's really nice. Then I had to buy the last two movies separately because it didn't come with it. But it's almost a neat package.

And now it's going to be a group full of prime producers.

And now it's going to be a different thing. Granted, they might do a really amazing maybe, because they're going to make a TV show. It's probably the first thing they're going to do is make a Bond TV show. They might make a movie, but they're probably a universe, like a superhero spin-off universe type thing, more than likely, because they're going to rinse it. And that's the problem with it.

It could be like Double O Academy or something like that.

It's going to be an issue. It's always been such a thing when they finally Bond. It's always such a thing. And it's just, I don't know, there's something about it. We've said before on the episode a couple of years ago, where it's such a staple for us in England. It was like a thing. And now it's just kind of, yeah, I might be totally wrong. They might do absolutely fine. But it's not going to be that special time. We're like, the new James Bond's going to be revealed.

Which is triggering.

Which, you know, and I'm starring in it, obviously. So, you know.

Yeah, and I'll be the Bond girl, so.

Bond, James Bond.

There's a couple of things off of this, really. What's interesting is it just demonstrates now how big streaming platforms are already, because we, you know, when Netflix and Prime started having their own movies, their own exclusives, and other ones like Apple TV and that. Initially, I remember years ago, we're thinking, Oh God, Prime making their own movie or their own series. But actually, a lot of those series, like the Reacher series and Lord Of The Rings.

They're big budgets, they've got the money. But to say an example, Lord Of The Rings, I'd prefer to watch Jackson's films than the show. I tried to watch an episode.

I've never seen any of it.

It's not really for me. It just doesn't, you know. So I might be wrong. Never judge book by cover. Something might come out all right. And I will go in open eyes, open arms, open everything.

Open legs.

Open gaping holes.

It's a Valentine's episode, so.

Eye holes this is. Yeah, so wait and see James Bond fans. Wait and see.

So Prime are now gearing up to drop some new James Bond, and Netflix are like, well, we're putting Happy Gilmore 2 out next month.

I'm happy with that.

I cannot wait for that.

I fucking love Happy Gilmore.

I can't wait for Happy Gilmore 2.

I did watch a movie. I did watch a movie over the weekend. I said to Elijah, we're going to watch this movie. I don't know, but he pretty much says it's about anything that I suggest doing in life, in fact, really, even food. I put on Big Daddy of Adam Sandler. So me and him watched Adam Sandler, watched Big Daddy and really enjoyed it. I've seen it since I was like a teenager when Adam Sandler was kind of coming out and you're watching his films. So I watched it with Elijah.

He's really cute.

The way he says the words is literally like a kitten coming up to you. Oh, I love you.

Cheerios.

It's so ridiculous. They don't got Cheerios. They cast the cutest fucking kid. But Elijah found it quite amusing. The guy's like, you're not peeing in my restaurant. Customers only. So he goes around the side of the building and starts pissing. And then he says, well, I can't do it. You pee with me. And he pees with him. And Elijah found that quite funny. It's quite nice because me and Elijah, I'm not a traditional dad. I'm, you know, I do some crazy. I let him watch horror movies.

Yeah, no, it's good. I do. I do have time for Adam. Well, we've covered all bases there, Gav. You know, we kept it sexy all the way through as well. Adam Sandler, Jackie Chan, James Bond. Nothing nothing screams sexy like Jackie Chan and Adam Sandler.

Adam Sandler is probably the only person who's got the most amount of money going. Actors who just walks around in a tracksuit bottom looks like he's so depressed with bags under his eyes and like he's just eating fatty food all day long.

He doesn't care. Every time he's on a talk show, he's got a hoodie on.

It just looks like, I actually saw a video of him on Instagram and he's wearing a tux and the woman's like, Oh, look at you. He's like, Yeah, I had to, they told me I had to wear it. And he's just like, he's really unhappy wearing a tux here. That's really funny.

I love him. Some people don't, but we love everyone because it's Valentine's. So it's time to get sexy, Gav. Are you ready for some sex?

I'm lubed up and sexy.

Okay, so we're going to go down under.

Yes, we are.

Down under.

Down under.

For a trader now, for a film I'd never seen before, which Gav chose, and that is 2009's The Loved Ones. So take it away, trader.

You come to the prom? Yeah. You come with Ollie? Wow, you're wicked. Let me get the door, m'lady. Pretty as a picture. Will you go to the dance with me? Sorry, Lola, I'm done with Holly. Guess who wants to go to the dance? Hey. Hi, this is Brent, do you have a message? Brent's done this before, he's always turned up. Oh, what are you looking at? Say, happy. Happy. Suck it. Show me. When I find my prince, this is the song I'm gonna dance to. And there's only one way to find out if it's you.

The Loved Ones from 2009. When Brent turns down his classmate Lola's invitation to the prom, she concocts a wildly violent plan for revenge. A nice, tidy one hour and 24 minutes, this one. It's directed by Sean Byrne, who directed The Devil's Candy, which I saw first so many years ago, which is a really good movie about a guy, a painter in Texas, who gets possessed. But this is some Aussie, Antipodean horror.

That's interesting.

Yeah, and some really good horror coming out of Australia at the moment. We did talk to me a while back. I'd not seen this before. You think you maybe saw it at Fright Fest?

I reckon I saw it at Fright Fest, yeah.

Yeah, it's a really interesting film. I'll just say right now, I was impressed. I was impressed with it. I didn't really know what to expect.

Yeah, well, I don't know, actually. I was about to say, I do find Australian films, a lot of them are mainly independent. I had to say, I suppose to get major studios, of course we do. That's just naive of me to say major studios don't produce films in Australia. Like major, you know what I'm saying, so easier, whatever, of course, that's just naive of me. I'm sure there's many example. I think there's one called Australia, which would probably be a great example of that.

Yeah. You know, whether it's Europe, your Wolf Creek or whatever it might be.

It's a raw film, though, in the horror movies.

Yeah. And this feels like if this was an American film, because it's very much like an American type plot, you know, and this could all be taking place in an American high school.

It does have like handgun in it and stuff. So I suppose, yeah.

But if because this is Australia and it has a little bit slightly heightened, it's just a little bit better because it's different. Do you know what I mean?

Well, for one thing, I feel with Australia because of, we know the outback, I think because of thatness of it, I feel it gives it a bit more of an edge. Where if we're in safety, I suppose you could shoot in a desert in the States. But I feel like with this, having that always gives Australian films that, like that one of the giant, what was it? Not Boar, but the original one.

Oh, Razorback.

Razorback, like that one especially, very much like you don't know if help's coming.

Yeah. And I think that's why this feels like, they're obviously homaging Texas Chainsaw Massacre. You know, that takes place in Texas, where there's not a lot around in that remote area where they set that film. But also this has elements of hostile in it.

Oh, he's been in training for pain.

Yeah, he endures a lot of pain.

That's a fascinating takeaway from that.

And you don't often see self harm, because it's a very dark subject, and you don't see it very often. And it's very casually just, they don't even talk about it in this, it's just shown, you know, he carries a razor blade on a necklace around his neck, and you see little marks on him here and there, you know. Yeah. But that's some of the things that add to this film for me. That and the performances, I think the performances are great.

We definitely get into it. I was just going to say, yeah, this film is essentially the worst prom date you're going to ever get. If there was a bad situation with a prom date and a sort of a female stalker. Now, Dan, I wanted to ask you before we get into it. I know you have, of course you have. Can you give any more on that?

I think I've talked about it.

You have, but just get a refresh for this film. Just so we're in the vein of things.

So there was one girl who, and I'm by no means an author.

I love the fact you said at the beginning, there's one, meaning there's multiple. I've never had a woman stalk over me. You must be the handsome one.

No, it's just I attract the psychos. There was one girl who was in our friendship group. This is about 20 years ago now, maybe a bit less. And she decided she liked me. I had a girlfriend at the time. She would come to my house knocking on the door every day, asking to speak to me. I'd been out for a run with my buddy Rob, who I was living with at the time, and we saw her. So we quickly ran past, went in the house. Five minutes later, she's knocking on the door. And he said, oh, he's not in.

Listening to the show right now, Dan's address is... Yeah, I've not really had them. Most of the ladies that are attracted to me are generally down-to-earth, natural type normal folk, really, God be honest with you. So I guess that must be it. I just thought I would ask you, because I knew that it was. But yeah, this is the worst case.

Yeah, it didn't involve any torture or anything like that.

No, no, this is the worst. If you could get lobotomized on your prom day, that's not a good day. Anyway, listeners, let's get into the film.

Let's do it. So, good soundtrack, I must just say throughout this. Lots of good rock songs. And that's all because the main character is in this.

It's got a rock goth vibe going on here.

Yeah. So, the main character is Brent, and he's got a best friend called Jamie. Jamie's got a goth girlfriend called Mia, and they're all very sort of emo goth-y, long, straggly black hair, really into their thrash metal, heavy metal, emo metal. And it's great. I've got time for some of that music.

I'm getting blown in the car while my friend's getting drilled in the head.

Do you know the band Cannibal Corpse, of course? You've heard them?

Oh, yeah, no, of course I know. Yeah, Sarah loves Cannibal Corpse.

Some of their song titles include Forced Fed Broken Glass. Another one is called Hammer Smashed Face. And probably the most extreme song title is Endrails Ripped From A Virgin's Cunt.

Oh, splendid.

These are all song titles from Cannibal Corpse.

I like the country song, which is I'm out getting hammered while she's out getting nailed.

Brilliant.

I'm out getting hammered while she's out getting nailed. Very good.

Well, it's a good soundtrack. So here we go. Nice little title font comes up and we get a little prologue, just a little, this is when things were nice. And before he became really gothy and into his metal and his self-harming, Brent was learning to drive with his dad. And they're driving along, singing a song. I didn't mean that to rhyme, but they are driving along, singing along. He says to his dad, Oh, don't smoke cigarettes, dad, come on.

It's a teenage son, long hair. His dad's, it's interesting that he's got long hair. Not that there's nothing wrong with that. My son has long hair. But like back in the day, sometimes he got frown upon, especially sometimes things like in Australian movies and things like that. It's very traditional and be like, no, short hair, don't want to look like a queer, do you? That sort of like, you know, terrible thinking, way of thinking.

And like I said, he's learning to drive. So that's in itself a bonding experience, isn't it?

Yeah, totally. And it's just showing a sort of a loving relationship. And, you know, you were watching horror movies, you're like, well, obviously, something bad's about to happen here.

Yes. And that bad thing is that a semi-naked boy steps in front of the car, a boy that we will come to see later on and find out who he was later on. And this means that Brent has to swerve around him. And unfortunately, the car hits a tree. And we later find out that his dad died in that car accident and he'll never drive again. And in fact, this then drove his mother to drink and pills.

Funny that you say that he will drive again, but it drove her mum. Oh, very clever there, Daniel.

Oh, it did. I didn't mean that.

Sorry. Drove her to pills and stuff. I was going to say this is very bookend. A lovely script is like you start off the same way as you finish. And we do have him in a car in driving along, but we get to it. But it was lovely.

Finally overcomes his fear, but he has to.

Yeah, and he does. And he loves his and it's very much bookend.

But there's a lot of thought in the script as well, which I think adds to this for me. I really enjoyed this. So yeah, there we go. Unfortunately, Daddy is dead and we're going to move on now. So we get to see the high school.

It's quite a small car. So obviously a few different scenes and places, but we were all locked in on characters. We don't have like a wide shot of the whole college schools and stuff so much. It's very, with these characters, real close with them.

Yeah, and it's probably only about half a dozen characters in total.

There's not many, yeah. And I think they've probably done that. They've probably gone and shot a school or whenever when there's no extras. You don't need to. You're just shooting those two guys in front of a locker real close.

Yeah. And Brent is, you know, he's gone full on emo now. He's selling weed to his buddy Jamie.

He's obviously doesn't have his father now, so he's obviously traumatized from that. And he's just, you can tell almost as a psych sadness to him, isn't it? It's like, you know, it's gone.

Yeah, he's a bit empty. But he's got a lovely girlfriend called Holly, which we'll meet in a minute, who we'll meet in a moment. But before that, a girl called Lola. She walks up to him and says, Are you going to come to the end of your dance with me? And he says, No, I'm with Holly.

He doesn't say like that. He actually stays a while. I've always done about you, Dan, but I didn't do very well with the girls. I was blown out more times than I thought. So you end up going into friend space. You're like, I'm just not going to bother asking you. And I'll just continue being friend from a distance. You know, I always hated the whole rejection thing. And I have had the times when I've had to reject someone and I've always hate it. Cause I always think of other people's feelings.

I'm with Holly. She's my girlfriend. And that's that. Very, very blase. Obviously, this is going to be a decision he's going to really regret.

We were introduced to his mate. His mate's like, are you going to go to the party? You got a condom here? You want a condom?

Yeah. And then Jamie says...

He's got a comical friend.

There's this new hot goth girl called Mia walks in, and they're both just like, wow, she is hot. Jamie, fair play to him. He gets the balls to go around the corner and ask her out, and he comes back.

Yeah.

Well, we know she said, yeah, we don't see it, but we know he does, because he does a little dance. He's very excited about it.

It's interesting. From the get go, this film sets out to be quite a youthful, horny film.

Yes.

A lot of horniness in this film. It was written by someone who was horny.

Now, considering he's a guy who's obviously going for a lot of mental illness and self harm, he's got a lovely girlfriend who's keeping it all together, and her name is Holly, and we waste no time. Holly picks him up in her car, and they get straight to some sex in the car.

I hope everyone's having a drink each time you say the word Holly.

Holly and sex. They're in the car, and while they're sort of getting busy, she lifts up her shirt, and this is where we see he's been cutting himself all up his torso.

To the point he carries the razor on the necklace.

Yeah. There's a reason for that, which we'll see in a moment, because he likes to squeeze that. Whenever he's feeling whatever feelings it is that he doesn't like, he squeezes it until he bleeds. Yeah.

Unfortunately, I've had to deal with it with my children, the whole self-harming a little bit, and have to discuss it with them, and talk about it. It's always generally like for this guy, it's take away that thought of pain quickly, let me give myself a physical pain, which takes over that thought of the other pain.

Yeah. And also, you start to like the pain.

It starts to turn into a pleasure.

And you rely on the pain.

And it carries on. It's like a cycle.

And there's a control element to it, because it's a pain that you're in control of.

So as a thing from a parent to other parents, always keep an eye on it. Yeah, I've had it. I still have it in things. But anyway, not getting into that now.

No, but in all seriousness, guys, if you do know of anybody that is self-harming, or you suspect it is worth speaking to professionals and trying to get them some help, or even you just talk to them.

I'd say talk to them.

Yeah. It's not, like I said earlier, it's a very dark subject matter that isn't mentioned very often. So it's interesting that they bring it up in this, and it's dealt with very nicely, you know, in a nice way. In fact, it sort of helps them. It becomes a superpower, like I said, towards the end.

I used to have friends that did it.

Yeah.

They still got the scars on their arms.

All the way through their sex, he's teasing Holly a little bit. He's saying, somebody else asked me out. Somebody asked me, did the end of your dance? And she keeps asking, who, who, who, who, who, who? In the middle of this, while they're banging away in the car, Lola, the girl that has to him out, is stood there watching. Isn't she, Gav? She is fuming.

What you want, definitely what you want, if the person that you said, no, I'm not going to prom dance, is to be outside the car, watching you after being declined, watching you have sex, watching a little bottom going up and down in a car, steamy car, dripping with sex. That's my catchphrase for tonight, dripping with sex.

Now, he is a little bit empty inside, because as he leaves the car, she drops him off. He says, she says, love you. And he doesn't say it back. He just sort of says, okay, bye, see you later.

Well, love is probably a hard thing for him in it now, Lord. You know, it might be his thing. I'm sure she understands, because she's an all right person.

But as he does leave her with, it was Lola Stone that asked me out. She was the one. So that will come back later.

Oh yeah, for the whole time she's going, who was it? Who was it? And he wouldn't say, so it's like a little game they're playing.

Yeah. So he's at home now. He's listening to Thrash Metal and his mum is just, she just looks awful. He looks awful. They both look like zombies. It looks like they're not getting any sleep or any sunlight. They're obviously both dealing with the grief. And this is where it's brought up that the dad is definitely dead. He definitely died in that opening.

I was going to say, it's not the happiest movies, this actually.

No, no, no, no. I mean, Lola's having a great time with her dad, but these guys are.

And the dude at the day with the govchick, he's having a good time.

Oh, he's having a fucking great evening. But the other thing is that his mum is now super paranoid about cars. And she says, are you really going to go to this end of year dance with Holly? Is she going to drive? Why is she driving? I don't want you driving. I don't want you getting in her car. And he's like, it's fine, mum. Honestly, she's passed her test, you know?

Yep.

And he's squeezing his razor blade as he's listening to his thrash metal and the blood stripping down his wrist.

His dog's just like, yeah, another nice day walking.

I know, his dog doesn't care.

Sniff pee, sniff pee.

And then he gets to his little spot that he likes to go in and sort of meditate, if you will, which is like a little cliff face that he climbs up. It's quite, it's not super high, but he climbs up to a little bit. He likes to lie down in the sun and listen to his music. He almost dares himself to fall off the cliff at one point. It doesn't care about the industry.

Yeah, he's almost teased with suicide in a sense. You can, you know, absolutely full-blown, he's considered it. It's the least popped in his head.

And it's just such a great way of telling a story. He's lying there, you know, listen to this thrash metal. He's just cut his hand. And then we cut back quickly to his mum sitting in a very dark room, drinking, taking pills. Just that's how she's dealing with it. That's how he's dealing with it. It's great. No dialogue.

It's almost like a red cream for a dream type darkness. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. And that the fucking blue, Gav.

Oh, this dude out of, you don't see anything more than knees, because the camera is like... So the guy sitting on the rocks, cameras in front of him. So we just see knees behind him. Someone walks up behind him and you can see with his hands, he's got a cloth on his hand, puts it on his face and Bob's your uncle. This dude, Chloroform, is taken away.

Yeah, he's out there and...

Chloroformed, yeah, not Chloroformed. That's like cling-filmed.

Cling-filmed. And he gets dragged away. And that is it for now.

It's peonies. Wait a moment. Chloroform and cling-film, both two ways to... Oh, well, one could kill you for sure. Cling-films are fucking horrible way to die.

Apparently, Chloroform, the way it's shown in films, probably doesn't work like that. I'm sure it takes... You'd have to like breathe it in for like 20 minutes or something before you pass out.

Hang on. I'm just trying to pass out. Can you hurry up? I've got a car engine going here. Come on, the boot's open. I can get a ticket in a minute. Can you crack on with knocking yourself out?

Yeah. Well, cut to later in the afternoon, Jamie, his bestie, is waiting for his goth date. Now, his goth date's dad happens to be the local sheriff, a policeman, which will tie in nicely.

It's fucking great, because it's real. This is the only sort of lightness to the film, to be honest with you, is for his mate who doesn't have it. Yeah, I would say it's added because he has no other purpose in the film. He doesn't come in to help out or anything whatsoever. His mate, does he? Not nothing at all. It's literally just let's just cut away from all this horribleness to have.

And then the dog, the police dog goes up to him, starts going crazy at his crotch. Oh, no, he's got weed in his pocket. And she goes, she says, my dad's dog likes your crotch. And he says, yeah, that was because I've got loads of weed in my pocket. She's like, Oh, great. Excellent. It's going to be a good day.

Oh, brandy points.

But he's quite nice to the dad. He takes the house, says, I'll have a home in one piece. Don't worry. And he's quite civil to them.

I tell you what, though, what it does do, it resembles the and introduces the policeman as a person who yes and no, he doesn't actually say anything to the kid. Like if you hurt my door or anything whatsoever, which I thought he was going to do, which is a bit of a cliche, but it would help introduce his character more. But we end up being like this policeman end up going off, going searching for what we're going to get into. The guy has just been kidnapped.

Well, Holly goes to Brent's house because they're supposed to be going to the dance together, and he's not home. And his mum says, well, I don't know where he is. He went for a walk with the dog. Then they hear the dog. They open the door to the dog, and the dog is really injured. We find out it's been stabbed or cut by somebody. So the poor dog, they bring it inside. And obviously, this doesn't look good. If he's been missing for a few hours and the dog turns up dying.

It injured, yeah.

Yeah, it's not great, really. So they go looking for him outside. They try bringing his mobile phone. There's no answer. They just can't find him anywhere.

I guess you're looking at it, you're possibly thinking the first thing you're thinking has been an accident in the outback and he's going to fall off a cliff or some shit.

They call up Maya's dad, who is the cop that we just met. And he says, look, he'll turn up. You know what he's like? He's done this before. He's gone missing for hours at a time. He'll turn up. Don't worry about it. And she starts driving off with the dog, or presumably to take it to the vet. And then, again, no dialogue. The car just pulls over and you hear her start crying. And that's because we assume the dog died in the car. We don't have to see it.

Also, I think maybe it's introduced as well. It's a juxtaposition, isn't it, really? It's showing you what the prom date should be. In one period, they have like those two slow dancing. She's giving them a handjob on a dance floor.

Oh my God.

Everyone's watching, even a teacher. And then it cuts to a version of that slow dance in the insane stalker's head. And what's happening in her world. So I feel like you got to have that as a contrast juxtaposition.

Yeah, it works well. Works well. So we cut back to the truck now that Brent is in the back of, passed out. Along the way, the dad, who we find out the dad that's driving, he grabs some roadkill off the road, which he'll use later on for feeding purposes, shall we say. And we get a really spooky score now as the truck sort of pulls up to the farm and Lola comes out of the farm and she says, is he dead? Is he dead? He says, he's not dead. Look, she said, he looks dead. He's like, he's not dead.

The other day, I popped in to see my son, because I was driving past, and it's always good. You know, she goes, go see your family. And I had a lint chocolate. I snuck it on to his desk, where he's working, a little lint chocolate. I said, there you go, don't tell the others. And he hid it in his pocket as his sisters ran downstairs. And it wasn't a dying human. It was a lint chocolate, a little small chocolate I gave him. I didn't bring him home a dying, almost dying human.

Yeah, that's good. You're a good dad.

Yeah. So anyway, she's like, thanks, dad. Thanks for the gift.

And we now get an insight into the inside of her head via the inside of her actual bedroom. Now, her bedroom is full of dolls and dollies that have been positioned, quite a lot of them, quite rude positions. It looks very dirty and grubby in there. And she's got a scrapbook full of boys with eyes colored out or red marks crossed over them. And then one of the last ones in there is Brent, his yearbook picture. And she's sort of drawn a heart around it. And she's obviously got the hearts for him.

It's a bit get out like almost.

Yeah, in some ways. Yeah.

What's really interesting, we had this conversation earlier, speaking about children and how they look at parents and they kind of copy their actions. So they kind of look and see, obviously, you get some kids that are going to go, Oh, no, you're being a naughty person. That's not how you should be. But generally, they kind of follow suit a little bit of the way you are, how you go around the world. They watch you and copy a little bit.

So what's good is there's this weird family dynamic, but we don't know the backstory too much, which makes it scarier.

It does. Well, it opens up this conversation we're having now.

Yeah.

So whatever she's like, showing all this thing, he is a huge version of it.

And the next scene really demonstrates some of that with what this film does very well, especially when it comes to Lola and her dad and the relationship with her dad and her mom, to some extent, is it takes what should be really lovely moments, and then it really sours them. And by that, I'll talk about the next scene, which is he comes in and says, Oh, you're ready for the end of your dance. And she's like, yeah. And he's like, I've bought you some shoes and a dress.

It's at any point, I think, it's the first time. And obviously, as a dad, you're a parent, you see your children naked because you do when you bathe them when they're young, you know. But yeah, it's not correct.

Well, he then says, pretty as a picture. And it's just, you know.

And also, she's fairly with it because we get, well, we get to it later on what she says to him.

Well, Brent wakes up and he is in a bit of a Texas Chainsaw Massacre situation here.

Stroke Hostel.

Stroke Hostel. He wakes up tied to a chair. He's wearing a tuxedo now. He's been dressed in a lovely tuxedo. And he sat at a table. And at the table, we've got Daddy, we've got Lola.

Lola, Lola.

And some old woman that we find out is their mother.

Which is very Texas Chainsaw Massacre with the Grandad.

She's got a little hole in her forehead, and they call her Bright Eyes. They don't call her Mummy or Mum. They just call her Bright Eyes. Wow. Which is fucking out there.

Because she doesn't have Bright Eyes. She has very dull eyes because she's been lobotomized.

And Lola does not fuck around here because the first thing she does is take a syringe, fill it with bleach and inject it into his vocal cords, rendering him unable to scream or talk, which adds a horrible element throughout the film. Whenever he's in pain, the noise that he makes.

It's like a muted dinosaur. It's horrible, I can't even do it. It's really, really disturbing, actually.

It reminds me, and again, this is another film, this reminds me of the people under the stairs. It reminds me of the boys that had their tongues cut out in that.

Yeah, you have an element of that in this film as well.

Yeah, and apparently this injection of bleach into the vocal cords, I can't remember, I think it was Dharma or one of the serial killers. He did this, he did this.

He tried lobotomy, he was into lobotomyzing as well. He was trying a different thing. He wanted the perfect subservient sex.

Zombie.

Sex zombie.

He wanted a zombie, didn't he? Yeah, yeah. He called them zombies. No, this isn't the first time they'll do it, but as soon as they've injected in with bleach and he screams in pain and nothing comes out, they all chant, we can't hear you, we can't hear you.

And the way they do it obviously means that they've done that before.

Yep. It's like a little game they like playing with their victims.

And they both start seeing it, so they've definitely done that before.

And it's time to take a photo, just like Jamie had with his girlfriend. Brent now has a photo with his girlfriend.

And that does now. That is absolutely why we've got his mate in it going along, because it shows you the real what should be in a comical way, a prom date. And it shows you this, yeah.

And this is where we find out that Brytise is the name that they give their mother. So poor Brent is in a world of weirdness. And cut back to Jamie and Mia, they're listening to metal in the car, headbanging, drinking. They're getting stoned. They're having a great time.

That would have been a great good pie. To be honest, I've had a few pies in the car like that before.

It's all right. Cut back over to Lola and her fucked up family dinner. As I mentioned, bright eyes seems to have been lobotomized. This is confirmed later on. And Lola starts trying to feed Brent some chicken and he doesn't want to eat it. She says, eat it. Eat it now. Daddy!

Looks at daddy.

So he has to suck the chicken juice off of Lola's finger. She makes him almost like she makes him blowjob her finger almost. And she says, is it finger licking good? And he's sort of, he's terrified, as you would imagine. Dad's swinging a hammer around. He's been forced to eat all this chicken. And then he says, she says, you what? And he says, you want the toilet? Okay. Is it number one or number two?

What was she going to do if it had been number two? If she can actually just pull it out?

Catch it in her hands?

Yeah.

Well, he implies it was number one. So this is a great moment. She picks up, again, I love the actress, Robin McLeavy. She picks up her pint of milk. She necks it in one and then takes the glass and we know exactly what she's about to do here.

It's slightly odd anyway. People don't generally neck pints of milk. It's just not really the average thing to do.

Why are you eating fried chicken and drinking pints of milk? There's a weird combo anyway.

And that chicken just looks bland as shit.

Yeah, it doesn't look good.

There ain't no jerk on it.

Well, she takes her empty pint glass and she gets down on her knees. She assumes the position in front of him.

It's a blowjob position.

She tells him, pee in the glass.

While dad is behind with hammers, getting all excited watching.

Yeah, he, however, suffers from stage fright.

I'm going to say that dad, I would say, was possibly a serial killer before this started happening.

He's not right.

I'm going to say when she was a baby or when she was not even born possibly, he was possibly a serial killer.

Yeah, he was making people pee in glasses.

I think to then introduce this into it and his daughter would be going along with it. At what point that happened? It had to have been so long ago. I'm really getting into the mind of us now. How do you really get into it?

He gets stage fright and he can't pee. She says, if you don't pee in 10 seconds, daddy, and daddy comes over and he says, I killed your dog with this hammer. And basically says, I'm going to smash you in the head with it. And no, I'm going to, sorry, I'm going to nail your cock to the chair. If you don't pee in 10 seconds time.

Not the Jim Rose Circus Show.

Pee, nailing it to the, I mean, who did that? Steve O did that, didn't he? Yeah. So he has 10 seconds to get his pee pee out. And he tries, he's straining. You can really see it on his face, the sweat is dripping. He's thinking, please, just one little dribble of wee, please, please. And when he finally manages to go, just as she gets to nine, and then a little bit of wee comes out and we hear it. And then she says, oh, look, it's crying. Talking about his penis weeing. She says, it's crying.

That's quite excited, wasn't it?

Yeah. But Brent, get some balls. He kicks her over. He hops off. He manages to run outside. Quite comical now, this little chain of events.

This, this, it's, I mean, he's in a lot of pain, but he does some shit getting away. He doesn't make it very far. He has such an advantage.

Yeah.

And then just cocked it right up.

Well, he runs and dad sees him. So he gets in his car and he chases Brent, who's on foot.

No, he rolls under the car, first of all.

Oh, that's right. He's hiding under the car.

He's got the raise, but he gets the ropes off. And the dad rolls back to drive the car off. So he rolls out of the way. The dad reverses back and he's just there in his headlight. So he goes and runs off and runs up a fucking tree next to them.

And then he crashes into the tree. And then the poor guy then, Lola runs out and she said, she starts laughing like a witch. She says, where is he? And he says, he's up in the fucking tree, Lola. So they just start throwing bricks at him. Like he's a mile from home alone. And they're laughing as they try and throw, this poor boy is up a tree with bricks being thrown at him. Eventually one of them hits him. And a bit like that gag in Bad Taste, where all the guys just fall out of the tree.

Crucify him.

They nail his feet to the floor, one of his feet to the floor so he can't get up. And he can't scream all this while. He's doing this horrible noise.

But he is still screaming though. He is still doing the motion, but we can't hear that.

All we can hear is like a little...

It's a little bit like that movie where the people's throats have been slit and they're in the garden.

Oh, yeah. Not Tourist Trap.

Tourist Trap, yeah. Tourist Trap.

Or Motel Hell.

No, Tourist Trap.

No, it's not Tourist Trap. No, Tourist Trap is the one with the dolls.

OK, that's Motel Hell then.

Motel Hell, yeah. But yeah, it is like that and he can't scream. She wants him to cry now, but he doesn't cry because he doesn't know how to cry anymore since he lost his dad. All he knows is pain and suffering.

And this is being like a bully or being like a torturer. So the torturer, if they're not getting what they want, they get really they're not getting the kick from it. So him not crying isn't giving her the kick. She likes being in control. He does whatever she says and that's not happening. So she's not happy. So, Daddy.

I don't think I've ever heard the word tortury before, but it probably is a word. Torturer and tortury.

Yeah, I've never thought of it.

Maybe it's the torturer and the tortured. Not sure.

Not if it's in the situation it's actually happened. That'd be a past tense. If it's in the present, it'd be tortury.

Well, we cut away from this and catch our breath for a moment because Mia's dad, the cop, is now searching. He's out in the searching around with a flashlight and he finds Brent's iPod. So he knows, oh shit, this boy's lost his iPod.

Yeah, because he's been called on a skate. And his local friend or whatever says, I'll go out and he's in civilian clothing. He's not in his cop uniform.

He goes and knocks on Brent's mum's door. Holly's there obviously, you know, and he says, look, I found the iPod. It's not looking good, but we'll keep looking for him. Don't you worry about that. So the outside world is looking for Brent, which adds to the tension, because you really want them to find him. But Lola and Daddy now show Brent a photo album. They sit him down and they show him a little photo album. And it's there. They're a handiwork.

Which caused him, which I thought that was the case at the beginning, caused him to have the guard crash because there was like a bloodied human walking along the road, which is obviously one of their victims.

And again, just when you think what Lola says couldn't get more fucked up, they turn to the last page and it's Brent and she says, there you are. And then she says, I'm ready to draw on him now, daddy. And you think, well, what is she going to draw on him? What does that mean? And we cut to, she has used a fork on his bear torso to carve a heart.

Like you would in a tree.

Yeah, but sort of a heart is as big as both nipples with a tip going down to his navel. Initials, everything in it. And again, he can't scream. And then daddy picks up a handful of salt.

And just throws it. And the sounds that he's making. And there's not a huge music school going on, really. It's horrible. This film is really... I remember I was listening, watching this again. I suggested this as well. It's almost like my Patreon pig. It's fucking horrible.

And again, they chant, we can't hear you, we can't hear you. Awful. It's like a nightmare. We see Holly in Brent's room. She's very, very sad. So we cut back to that. We cut back to Jamie and Mia. They still haven't actually gone in yet. She's a bit drunk. But he says, look, we're here. We've been here outside for hours. Let's go into the actual prom dance now. So they decide to get out. She stumbles over because she's a bit drunk. And then we cut back to Lola's family.

What if he had said yes to her?

I think he'd still be in this position, to be honest with you.

I don't know. He might have actually gone to the prom with her.

Yeah, but poor old Holly.

The thing is though, I've got to think, let's break this down a bit more. Sorry if I'm going to throw the logic of this film out. She's at the school. She's at the school, right? She's done this before. Is this every time that she gets declined? Must be.

Yeah.

I'm guessing. No, it can't be because they've got too many victims. It's not that many years she'd be going to prom since she was a little girl. So it might be an excuse to do it again because these must have been fairly frequently. I'd say all over the last few years. So it won't be that many proms. So yeah, it's a more frequent basis. This is going on. But if she's at school, they can't all be students at school because they'd be like, they've gone missing again.

There'd be 12 boys have gone missing in the last two years.

And you've argued with every one of them.

You asked every single one of them out.

But they won't catch on to that. But I feel like it's a bit like this would have been shut down.

But I do think now, as we're breaking this down, I do think the Jamie subplot really is needed because it's...

Oh, good, yeah.

Because the next shot, so after that crazy, put the crowns on our study, you know, and he split it...

We get a bit of light action.

Where he is on the dance floor getting wanked off.

I got a friend, I got a friend who this happened to. At a place, Pamblewood Ball, it was. The kids used to go to it. I never used to go to it. And we know the girl and the boy. And I think we classed it as party sausage on the dance floor. I think it was officially named.

It happened to me in a nightclub.

Was it party sausage on the dance floor for you?

No, it was Reflex, which is an 80s nightclub. I don't think it exists anymore in Bristol. And I went on a work stew, a work Christmas night out. And I was still at the bar drunk. And one of the managers decided they would just start tugging me off at the bar. So I was there ordering drinks. And the guy didn't realize as he was getting all the drinks ready for the rang that I was buying that this was going on underneath the bar. It wasn't a completion, I might add.

Does Alice still listen to the show?

She does. I think she'll probably know that story. But it wasn't her. She was never my manager. This was about 25 years, maybe more ago. But anyway, yes. So she starts jerking him off on the dance floor.

Was your manager an old fella in his 70s?

Your what?

Your manager, wasn't he an old fella in his 70s?

Yeah, he was.

So that was it. Tugged off by a 70 year old.

No, no problem. If it's Helen Mirren, I'll take it. So the teacher walks over in the middle of him getting this hand job. It's not what you want when you're in the middle of it. First of all, all of his classmates are watching while they're all slow dancing. And then the teacher walks over and he says, that's not appropriate behavior. If you're going to do that kind of thing, do it off of school property.

The best one, if you've not seen this, is the listeners from outside of England. There's a TV show called The Inbetweeners. And there's a fantastic episode where they go to caravan camp for the weekend. And they're in this dance floor and one of them, Simon, happens to meet up with a lady and she goes off to the side and starts giving him a hand job. And his mates are kind of standing there and they're both all like, should we be looking?

Yes. Well, that's slow dance for the hand job. Then juxtapositions to Lola standing up, Brent, whose foot is still nailed to the floor, and slow dancing with him. Daddy stands over them behind them on a chair, sprinkling glitter all over them, which I can only imagine stings all the cuts he's got on him already. And the glitter is going all over them. And then she stamps on his foot because he's not really dancing with her.

It does make you go, what's going on down there?

And then he throws a load of water down there for them to drink. He literally just pours a bucket into the basement. So yeah, that is not great. And they all sound a bit like Brent. So we know that they've all had their vocal cords injected with bleach. Now, what do you recover from that, Gav? I wonder if in time, they could repair your vocal cords or flush them out or...

I don't think so.

You're fucked forever then, really.

I think that's it, yeah, vocal cords.

God damn it. Well, Mia and Jamie, cutting back to them, they have decided to take it back to the car. So they start really going for it in the car now. They have a great old shag in the car.

Get a bit of a silence of Lam's edited misdirection here, where we have the dad go outside, he walks towards a car, and then we see inside the car, a man approaching the car, knocking the window, but it's the head teacher who says, when I said go somewhere, I meant off the school premises.

He doesn't really, he thinks, look, they're all new teenagers, I'm not going to expound them all. Just do it somewhere else, for God's sake.

Hopefully he wasn't outside for too long.

What I love about that scene is there's a very small bit of comic, just very small physical comedy where she covers up her boobs. He winds the window there, but then he covers his boobs up as well. He's sort of embarrassed of his boobs as well. They're both like, what, what? And she's like, do it somewhere else. It's just a funny little moment. Very subtle, but very fun.

Yeah. Drilling is a different type of penetration goes on here. So we're getting it like early.

I love the way you cut straight though. Drilling.

Well, we have like the slow dance going on and the wank off, but then we cut to their version of a slow dance. It was him kind of her on his lap, I think, and a glitter being thrown over the head from the dad. And it was their slow dance. Then we get to the sex, which is penetration. Now we're going to get into her saying where the other one said, fuck me. This is her saying, I want to fuck you, but I'm going to use my drill in your head.

Yep. So this is again, it's Dharma, isn't it? Again, he did this with, but instead of pouring boiling water in, like she does in a moment, he poured sulfuric acid in into the hole in the floor.

And he kept getting it too wrong.

Sometimes he would kill him and stuff. And when you think about that, this was a real person that went out and did that. What a fucking lunatic. And he got away with it for so long.

Yeah, well, yeah. The cops once, at one period, the cops found one of the guys who got away from him outside. Dharma came down and said, oh, don't worry about it. We're just having a lover's tiff type thing. And they went, all right, go on.

Took him back upstairs.

I was like, what?

So daddy teaches her how to lobotomize a human being with a fucking power drill.

Yeah, he's saying like, you can't go too far because obviously it'd be deaf. So it's only a certain farce. And it's just horrible. She's like, you'll be my first drilling. Oh, God.

And she says, she says, remove the king's crown, daddy, I'm ready to go. So he takes the crown off.

She doesn't push in far enough. So it slides off his head. And it's just like, oh, my God, it's.

Well, the drill cuts out, doesn't it? Because she's not doing it properly.

No, no, no, push it off his head. She says, you've got to push, push in more.

And again, Gav, if this was like a dad teaching his daughter or son, however, to use a drill and you're not doing it, you need two hands on the drill. Because he says two hands, Lola, two hands, you know, and he's doing all that. But it's not he's not helping her put up a shelf. You know, he's drilling into this goes forward. And while he's drilling again, all you can do is because he can't scream.

It's pretty nasty stuff.

And we don't need to see it really. We see blood sort of dripping down his face, but it's enough really. The back of his head is enough to know what's going on really. And then the kettle boils. And just when you think it couldn't get any worse, it's going to pour some boiling water into the hole. And she says, I'm going to boil your brain and turn you into one of them. She pours out water, but she's a bit too nervous. She pours it on her dad's arm. And he says, oh, try again, try again.

Very people under the stairs.

Yep. Lola, though, wakes up. She's not quite unconscious. And she also pushes Brent into the cellar as well. And then she sort of screams, Daddy!

She kind of goes into shock. She goes earlier on, just before she's about to kiss him. I don't know if you said this or not, I can't remember. She's like, you know, I've always known you were the one. And all this stuff to him, like to the dad, really like, we've, you know, I know we've tried with other guys, but I've always known you, you're the one. And you will always be the one. And it's just like, oh my God!

I don't really want to get into it, but I don't think they've ever sort of done it. But it's almost like she's realizing that he's going to be the one, really, now.

It's possibly that she's a virgin, and it's possibly that he...

He's trying to find her a zombie boy, but it's just disgusting.

She says, you're the prince. It's always been you.

That's right.

You're my prince, Daddy. Just you and me.

Well, she watches the meet her dad, then she slams the cellar door shut. And in the cellar, Brent has managed to obtain a flashlight and he sees the others start swarming him a little bit.

Yeah, but I think they see that he's also one of them.

Yeah. And Lola upstairs is looking absolutely deranged.

She's in shock and she's also deciding what to do. I was like, there's no point for mum anymore.

Yeah. Oh, God. Well, we'll come to that in a minute because quickly, Jamie drops Mia home. She's a bit drunk and he says, I've danced her off her feet. It's just so such a funny little moment.

He doesn't know what to say to the dad.

The dad's like, why can't she stand up? I must have danced her off her feet. But Brent also down there, Brent also sees a lot of animal bones. He's thinking, well, fucking hell, these guys have been feeding on roadkill and whatever. How am I going to get out of this? Lola decides, as you said, she doesn't need a mum, bright eyes anymore, does she? What does she do? Pops up to see her, doesn't she?

Yeah, just kills her.

Gramps a pillow and she says...

So mum's the bottom, I was just staring out the window.

She says, she says, good night, mummy.

Yes, yeah.

And just...

It's a fucked up movie, this is.

Holly starts thinking about Brent. She's thinking, oh, man, where could he be? What is going on? And then she remembers Lola Stone. She grabs the phone and she calls the cop, Mia's dad, and says, he did say that a girl called Lola Stone asked him. And he's like, well, any lead to lead, I'll try it. So he heads out to the farm. He knocks on the door. No answer, of course. He looks through the kitchen window.

The trouble is, though, he's still in a civilian uniform, and at this point, when he sees all that blood, he should at least phone the police.

Or radio in.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah. Just do something. But instead, I guess he's in the moment. Brent hears someone breaking in upstairs and thinks, someone's here to rescue me. So he tries to scream, but of course he can't.

But the cop hears and opens up the doors.

Yeah, he hears banging from the basement, doesn't he? He opens up the doors and then Lola creeps up behind him.

She creeps up behind him and he tries to tell her, but then that's too late. And she's hammered, it's hammer time. He falls into the pit.

Hammer time in the pit.

But she drops the gun. He grabs the gun and he tries to shoot her, but she realizes, gets out of the way and the disco light gets it instead.

And he empties the clip into nothing.

Pow, pow!

Loader runs, she grabs a knife and she says, I'm going to go to your house and stab your mummy in the neck, just like you did to my daddy. Then I'm going to stab Holly in the heart, just like you did to me.

Frustratingly, the only person she meets on the road happens to be Holly, but we get to that in a sec. Well, she's walking along the road all blooded up and it's very much end of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

But what great dialogue that is, I'm going to go to your house and stab your mummy in the neck, just like you did to my daddy, and then I'm going to stab her in the heart like you did to me. Great dialogue and delivered in such a deranged manner. It's brilliant stuff. So yeah, she walks barefoot down the road with a knife, with blood all over her, she's just walking along. It's daylight now, so the mornings just start coming up. And yes, we see Holly driving along in the distance.

But instantly, Psycho just dies of a knife, a big knife. And this does almost show you how scary it be to have someone doing that, attacking you with a knife. And you're stuck in the car, you're kind of in a disposition with it anyway, but she manages to fend it off and come out of her side of the door onto the floor.

Yeah, they both fall down onto the floor and Holley manages to kick Lola in the face really hard. We cut away from that as Brent uses the only means he can to climb out of the basement by piling up all the dead bodies. Jesus Christ, a staircase of bodies. This movie is dark, man.

I know, I did think this when I was watching it. I ate my dinner to this.

Oh, good for you. What did you eat?

Chicken enchiladas.

So if you're going to watch Basic Instinct, guys, a ham sandwich, Gav recommends. If you could watch The Loved Ones, chicken enchiladas. I suppose you didn't have chicken with a pint of milk. Just like Lola's family. Brent has to now overcome his fear of driving. He jumps straight in the police car.

That moment, I just decided to watch Basic Instinct on my projector. Huge, and I just bought into a ham sandwich, just as Shan Stone just reveals herself as a strange dichotomy.

It was her ham sandwich and your ham sandwich. It's not really a scene I'd ever imagine watching on a projector though. Imagine that in IMAX.

I know.

Bloody hell.

Everybody just looked at each other. Did you see what I see? Imagine that.

Jesus Christ. He drives a police car. He's speeding down the road. He's overcome his fear of driving. He swerves around Hollie and he hits Lola. She screams when she sees him. Hollie does, and then she recognizes it's him. She hugs him, and then Lola is crawling towards them, still alive.

But what was interesting, obviously, she's standing there. He comes over to rise in the car. He wasn't going to drive again. He's first time in the car again. And it must be around the same place that he killed his dad happen. It must be not far from where it was. Yeah. So it comes over and she's there. He swerves around again, exactly the same as swerving around that kid. Yep. Exactly the same situation. But luckily doesn't go straight into a tree and just stops.

Yeah. And she's now pretty fucked up. She's got bones sticking out of her wrist. It's great practical effects and she's crawling along.

She's like the Terminator.

She is.

She will not give up.

And he looks at, he's in the car with Holly.

He gets close up on his eyes. You, we all know, and I reckon I did watch it in Fright Fest, because it's one of those moments at Fright Fest where the whole audience go, Yeah!

Because he reverses the car and it's not going terribly fast, but it is reversing towards Lolo, who's lying in the road. And we get this amazing close up push, pull zoom on her face. Now really slow, just tracks in, tracks in. And you think they're not going to show it, are they? And then they do.

Just a flash, a very flash.

A quick flash of her head smacking on the bumper. And then we get a very small scene of Brent, you know, pulling up to see his mum and Holly's there and they all hug. And that's the end.

Yeah.

And my last, my note actually says, this is very much the Texas Chainsaw Massacre meets the people under the stairs with an element of misery. Actually, it isn't. There is a bit of misery in this as well, isn't there? Yeah, I agree. But you also, I agree with you when you said it's got some hostile stuff in it. So that is The Loved Ones.

Yeah, if all of those films are your bag, then this film might be your bag. I look, I recommend it because it's not a horror movie, but at the same time, I'm probably not going to revisit it. I'm probably not going to watch it again. It's quite, there's not really a happiness going on.

It's a one hit wonder, isn't it?

Yeah, I don't know. It's a horror movie. It's horrific. Horrible things happen in it.

Yeah, I can imagine, because this was your second viewing, you weren't as impressed the second time around.

I reckon the second, the first one was like 15 years ago, though.

But the first time around, you're going to really, I was impressed with this. I give it a solid seven out of ten. Really was impressed with the acting and the story and the dialogue and the script. But I can imagine a second watch, and I probably would watch it again in a few years, definitely, but yeah, it might not always be as impactful.

Yeah, yeah, we had a great night.

But yeah, no, it's a thumbs up from me. And I think a thumbs up from you, Gav. Thanks for recommending that. And it's a great Australian horror film that I'd never seen before. Great director who went on to do Devil's Candy. Probably just check if he's done anything else, actually. I'll just do that now because I'm sure he's one to watch. Sean Byrne is the name. He's done The Loved Ones, The Devil's Candy. No, he's not really got an awful lot going on. He's got a few things coming up.

Oh, good.

Oh, that could be a bit of an exploitation when animals attack sort of film.

Yeah, I'm a big fan of that.

Let's see if it's got any. Yes, it says, a surfer is abducted by a shark-obsessed serial killer and held captive on his boat. She must figure out how to escape before he carries out a ritualistic feeding to the sharks. He wants to cut her up and feed her to the sharks. That sounds good.

That'd be right. Actually, I'll give you another movie that's been made currently right now. Adam Green is directing a new film. And we all like Frozen.

Yeah.

Yeah. He's doing the same sort of film, but it's three people stuck in a hot air balloon.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

He's shooting at the moment. Imagine that's a bastard to film.

Yeah, that would be probably some green screening in there, I should imagine.

Or you're in a hot air balloon as well. I don't know, filming it from one. I don't know.

It was actually torturer Robert Bredella who would inject bleach into people's vocal cords, by the way.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I know lobotomizing was Dharma.

That was Dharma, yeah. Yeah, there we go, guys. Well, look, talking of Loved Ones and sexy Valentine's, Bill Murray's just walked in and he is wearing-

And he is dripping with sex.

He is wearing a full on gimp outfit. What's all that? Vaseline. Of course it is. I think he wore that for the last Valentine's episode.

That's at least five liters of Vaseline.

Oh, look, look, he is showing us his assless, assless chaps. Look, he is showing us.

Oh, put them away.

Bill, they are very low down, Bill. I know you are getting on a bit, and those are some low hanging balls.

Look, just bring us into it, Bill. Stop it.

Bring us, ease us in.

Slip it in, Bill. I mean, tell us what's going on.

Come on.

Hi, welcome back to World Of The Strange.

World Of The Sexy Strange.

World Of The Sexy.

World Of The Strange. Oh, welcome, well, thanks, Bill.

Thanks, Bill.

Please do not sit on any of my furniture with all that Vaseline all over you. You can just stand in the corner. Yeah, on that paper, on the newspaper, that's right, thank you. Right, so, because it's Valentine's Gaff, it's time to get sexy. It's time to talk about love. It's time to talk about objectophilia. I heard of the word objectophilia.

More than likely, Sarah's probably told it, we've probably done a bloody episode on it, and I can't remember. So, no, go for it.

It's where people sexualize an inanimate object.

Oh, yeah.

So, you know, people, we've heard about people who have sex with their cars or their furniture.

Pretty sure I have done this on the episodes.

But I'm keeping this quite classy.

OK.

Because I've got a list of people who have married, so it's more than just sex, they've married objects.

You know.

There you go.

No, but how is this allowed? Obviously, a registry office type job, but it's not obviously a church type thing, because it's, I don't think God, in God's Bible, recognized objects as sexual or, you know, partners, life partners. So how is it allowed as an object, if it's not a beating heart, human talking person?

I think you can just have like a ceremony of sorts. You know what I mean? I mean, we'll start off with Erika Le Brie, who married the Eiffel Tower. Straight in there.

I don't know what to say. Tell me stuff.

2007, this happened. She's an ex-US Air Force soldier.

Of course she is. As in, she is bloody now. You don't want bloody people marrying Eiffel Towers running around defending your country.

She fell in love with the famous landmark after visiting Paris several times.

Yeah, but come on. I've fallen in love with her place. Gone quite decent there, innit? Not once did I go fucking marrying it.

I love Capri's Whispers. I'm not going to marry one.

Does this mean, though, that they can actually marry properly a human being?

Well, she got married in a small ceremony with just a few close friends. But who's standing next to her?

A miniature fucking trinket?

Is the Blackpool Tower coming? Is Leaning Tower a piece of...

Yeah, who's on the family, who's on the groom's side?

Imagine all the buildings.

Just like all the builders that built it. No, they were dead.

Empire State Building is running late. Oh, for God's sake.

Yeah, it's different buildings. What the fuck?

Um, Erika got married, as I say, in a small ceremony with close friends. And she's legally changed her name now. So she now goes by Erika Eiffel.

But the Eiffel Tower can't say yes or no.

She called the Eiffel Tower.

I feel like this is an abusive marriage.

She's called the Eiffel Tower her wife, so she sees it as a woman. And she says her structure is amazing. She's got subtle curves.

So what I mean, as soon as this happened, and she left the ceremony, did she? Where is this person in America?

She's an American lady.

Did she get to this happen in America? Or did she go to France, in Paris?

She went to Paris, got married to it.

So as soon as it happened, did she then go over to him, like touch him, kiss him, rub herself on it?

I don't have the sexual details of this, Gav.

It's not like I really want sexual details about it. Dan, give me your sexy words.

But all she said is, I love her. She's got subtle curves, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, but people like their cars. You're gonna tell me someone's married their car, aren't you?

I don't think that one's on this list.

I know a black doll, someone married a black doll, I think. Or, you know, doll, not black doll. That's a bit old school.

My next story, there's one word to kick this off. Florida.

Florida.

Linda Duchamp married a Ferris wheel that she calls Bruce.

Bruce. Oh, Bruce.

Bruce, she met him at a carnival in 1982. I name you Bruce. She dated Bruce for 30 years. What? Until she finally decided to tie the knots of the Ferris wheel in 2012.

What does that mean? What does this mean?

I love these. However, in 1986, a severe storm damaged Bruce, which forced his retirement from the carnival.

What's her name?

Her name is Linda Duchamp.

Linda, I've got bad news. What is it? Your husband has been damaged by a storm. Is it bad?

She bought his remains and spent thousands of dollars getting him restored.

Fuck me.

So they can spend the rest of their lives together.

No, they can't. She can.

Her quote is, Bruce is my world. I think about him constantly. It only feels right when I'm with Bruce. A ferris wheel, Gav.

It's weird. Do whatever the fuck you want. I ain't give a shit what anyone does. Honestly, as long as you're not hurting people, harming people, animals or what not, and doing bad in the world. So fair play if you want to. I suppose they're not going to talk back to you. Or, you know, you're not going to say, no, I don't want to watch EastEnders tonight. So yeah. But still, it just seems a bit fucking ridiculous.

The next one isn't a surprise. Aaron Shevonek married his phone in a small ceremony in a Las Vegas chapel.

What happens when it's sexy time, though?

Oh, put some porn on the phone, guess.

Yeah, but what are these other objects? I don't know how you'd get sexy with them.

He married the phone in a chapel in Vegas, and he said he wanted to make a point at how dependent he is on his phone. He said, if we're honest with ourselves, we connect with our phones on so many emotional levels.

Is this an artistic statement?

I'm not sure.

Is this a cry for social fucking likes?

He said, our phones help us to calm down, help us to sleep and help us to ease our minds. And that's what a relationship is. So my smartphone has been my longest relationship.

I watched her recently. I found that really interesting.

Yeah, it's good. It's all right.

Because that's right. That's my tape. You know, within 10 years, we have an AI relationship, people being.

Well, the next one isn't an inanimate object in some sense. Sharon, Tendler, she married a dolphin called Cindy.

Dolphins are horny.

They are. She married Cindy in Israel. Apparently, they were engaged for 15 years.

The dolphin knew nothing of it.

Before they officially tied the knot.

The dolphin knew nothing of it.

Because a marriage of a dolphin and a human is not legal.

Oh.

Um, she said, she said, it's not a perverted thing. I love the dolphin and he's the love of my life.

Yeah, I watched a horrible documentary once where the guy married his dog because he had been loved his dog. But, you know, you know, like, there's other shit going on with the dog. Yeah, that's just like, dude.

You know, or sadly, Cindy passed away a few months after they got married, as they didn't realize that he was a very old dolphin. So there we go. Amanda, Amanda Liberty, married a chandelier. She collects hanging lamps and chandelier. She's got over 20 of them in her house. She says, I have an open relationship with all of them, but my special chandelier is a 91-year-old lamp called Lumiere.

I said two people have got on with... Oh, no, sorry, Statue of Liberty and Eiffel Tower.

The Eiffel Tower.

Two structures, though. Builders of major erections.

Well, here's another one for you. Elijah Ritter married the Berlin Wall and has been married to it for 30 years.

Well, it's a knockdown, though. There's some parts, some parts still there.

She says, I first met the Berlin Wall when I was seven. I instantly fell in love. It's the love of my life.

I wanna, I wanna... I feel bad. I've got a piece of it in the living room.

Oh, don't tell her that. She's changed her name to Berliner Mauer, which is a Berlin Wall in German. So she's now a Leigeriter, a Berliner Mauer. 30 years they've been married, they're pretty decent.

Not fair enough. It must have been a fucking, one of the people in Berlin would have said, so we could go get a big clump of that, knock it real small, put it in a little thing, and set it in a box and be like, piece of Berlin Wall. And actually that is a really important thing and we can sell it. Yeah. It's fucking amazing. I bought one.

Well, in 1989, when the wall was torn down, she was interviewed and she said, what they've done is awful. They've mutilated my husband.

Yeah, I've got a bit of a mutilated husband.

She hasn't had the courage to go back to the Berlin Wall and see the remains since.

Yeah.

But good news, she's currently dating her garden fence apparently. Bit of a step down really.

As far as I remember, there's still quite a lot of Berlin Walls still there, but it's all like graffiti up and shit and art and stuff.

Yeah, I went to Berlin for-

As far as I remember.

You remember Anthony that came on my Stag Day? His Stag Day was in Berlin and yeah, we saw it while we were there. That was probably about 10 years ago now.

He is my stoner buddy, yeah.

Yeah, good, good, good guy. Yeah, he ate some rather strange cakes with you, didn't he?

Well, I was glad I was the only one in the car, which just didn't speak for about two and a half hours. And then go to someone else. I know you got on it, but go to him. And then he didn't speak. I was like, yes.

I had a little nibble of it, but I had to maintain because I was expected to drink constantly for three days straight. It's about what we used to drink, Gav, wasn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was pretty mashed that whole weekend.

It was a good one.

From as soon as you got in the car, I was like, I've gone.

I'm out of here. I was handed a bottle of rum, I'm told. Try and drink as much of this in the three hour, four hour journey that you can.

Man, that drive is fucking hardcore with those brownies. That was really hardcore.

The worst thing was after we'd arrived at the town, the seaside town, and I'd consumed about 80% of a bottle of rum and had a nibble of a brownie. We then went straight to a brewery where I was expected to taste different beers and ales.

There's a folk graph of you with the reddest eyes I've ever seen from the brownie, and me next to you going, ah!

It's good.

What, you're testing booze?

It's good. Well, similar to the Ferris wheel, I've got a roller coaster in IGAV. All right. A 35-year-old church organist from Pennsylvania.

Good old his organ.

Amy, well, her name's Amy. She fell in love with this roller coaster when she was 13. She's been on the ride over 3000 times. Finally decided she would marry the roller coaster.

That's it, you bitch, I'm marrying you.

3000 rides.

We've had our ups and downs.

I love what you did there. She said, I was instantly attracted to him, both sexually and mentally.

Sexually?

And mentally.

He would go down on me.

I was... I like the Big Dipper. She said, I wasn't freaked out whenever I went on it, it just felt natural every time I rode on him.

Is this a carry-on movie?

She says, I couldn't tell anybody about it at first because it didn't feel normal to have feelings for a fairground ride. Yes, Amy, of course it isn't fucking normal.

Sharon, I've got something to tell you. Sharon, I, Amy, have been having these feelings for something for a long time. Is it my boyfriend? No, Sharon, it's not your boyfriend. It's a roller coaster. Do you think I'm weird, Sharon? No, Amy, I do not. Take it from the love coaster.

She says her and her roller coaster have a very fulfilling relationship and she's never jealous when other women ride on her husband.

Oh, my God.

She sleeps with a picture of him on the ceiling.

Fuck me.

She carries some nuts and bolts from him in her pocket.

She needs medical attention. She needs help.

Also, why she got nuts and bolts?

She needs help.

She's gone there and taking some nuts and bolts. This is final destination. It's going to be destroyed.

As a kid, I went to the castle in my town to the school trip and there's a little bit of it. I put a bit of rock in my pocket and I've got a bit of a castle. Don't know what happened to that.

Don't know what happened to that. Let's go to Taiwan, where Chang Sze Shun married a Barbie doll.

He's definitely got that Barbie doll caressing his shlong, hasn't he?

He said, I've married the doll because it contains the restless spirit of my dead wife.

No, it doesn't.

His wife died of suicide after they were married, shortly after they were married, because his family didn't want them to be married and didn't like the fact they were married, so she killed herself. So he then got married to a second wife, but he was very worried that his first wife's spirit wasn't at peace. So he decided to marry the doll to keep his restless wife's spirit. It's pretty fucking complex here.

It is.

He got married in a Buddhist temple to show his Barbie doll a simpler way of living life. The Barbie wore a wedding dress and a gold necklace that belonged to his late wife.

Ghetto.

He's happily married to two women now, he says, his real wife and his Barbie wife.

Wow. How did that happen when he met the new wife? By the way, there's two women in my life, so you can have to share.

What the fuck?

Did she go, oh, that's quite sweet. Your poor wife died and you just kind of feel like it's in a Barbie doll. That's kind of sweet. You re-barried it. Still, I guess, kind of sweet. Bit creepy. Sweetish, I guess.

It's when he brings it into the bedroom that you...

Do you mind if she watches in the corner? I guess not. It's kind of sweet, but not sweet if you want your wife to watch. I don't know, your dead wife. That's weird. Can she join in? What do you mean? You know, and let that imagination roam.

Wow. This next person, Nurul Hasan, married... She married a video game.

Fair enough. What game?

Tetris.

Nice. Good choice.

Fucking Tetris.

I suppose it's quite sexy.

I fucking love.

Blocks going into...

There's positions, so it all fits nice and tight.

Oh, Jesus. She says the relationship started in 2016, and she spends...

A bit late?

She spends more than 12 hours a day playing Tetris. Fucking hell.

Where was she in the 90s, by the way?

12 hours a day?

That's quite a lot.

I have a very intimate relationship with Tetris, and I even engage in physical activities with Tetris-themed objects, like cushions in the shape of the shapes.

I go to the car and pack the car in a Tetris-type way. This is like some sort of, definitely some OCD-type fucking thing going on.

Everything in her house is to do with Tetris and Tetris shapes. She has lamps, t-shirts. She even has limited edition Tetris hard drives. She says, I think Tetris is so beautiful because it's about perfection, and it stimulates my mind and body.

I can understand in a certain way, there's a sense of organization and tidying going on here, and there's a piece of calmness to that, I feel.

She says, before I married Tetris, I was dating a calculator named Pierre for some time. And after that, briefly, I dated my iPod before finding true love with the video game Tetris.

Wow.

An iPod. Wonder how many gigs of RAM that was. RAM.

I wonder.

Liu Ye, Chinese man, 39-year-old Chinese man, married a life-size picture of himself.

That's a bit vain.

The picture of him is wearing a red bridal wedding dress. He says, the reality is too dissatisfying for me.

This is so artistic movement again.

And marrying myself was the only way I could truly feel happy. He had a traditional wedding with his friends and family and some curious villagers who followed. And he followed all the traditions and ceremonies. He said, marrying himself doesn't make him gay. He says, I'm a narcissist. I'm not gay. Fucking hell. Marrying myself is a process of deconstructing and then reconstructing myself. I make use of the wedding to reconsider opposite sex marriages.

Dennis Rodman also wear on wedding dresses too, so I don't know.

Yeah, I've only got two more. Yeah. Another building for you here. Carol Santa Fe.

What is it with fucking buildings?

At the age of nine, Carol...

I know they're erections, but...

At the age of nine, Carol Santa Fe fell in love with the love of her life, De Adra, a train station in San Diego. A train station.

I feel like getting confused with the love of life. She's nine.

Yep. She says, I adored De Adra train station for 36 years before finally marrying it in 2015. She meets at the train station every day after commuting for 45 minutes to it. She talks to the train station, tells the train station about the day, and has mental sex with it as well. She says, we don't have actual physical sex because the train station is a public place, so the sex happens in my head.

So she's just standing there and they're like, oh, there's fucking Rosemary, wherever she is. Carol. Carol. Oh, moving her head around. She's just thinking about the train going in and out of that tunnel.

She says, the train station is very romantic. This is why it's the love of my life. I've got a private area in the train station with less crowds where I can touch the walls and feel as if I'm kissing the train station.

You like a private area?

But I have to be very careful around people because I don't want to get caught and I don't want to get banned because apparently I've read about Erika Eiffel, the woman we spoke of earlier, who has now been banned from the Eiffel Tower.

She changed her name to Erika Eiffel.

But that first woman we talked about has been banned from the Eiffel Tower because she was seen having too many displays of public affection. She was obviously humping the Eiffel Tower and the other one.

She was obviously having a wank.

And I like the way that in this story, she's dissed that woman and learned a lesson from her.

We grow and learn.

The last one is Bill.

Is it Bill Murray? Bill, is it you?

He's giggling. No, this is Bill, Bill Rivka, a 35-year-old psychology student. Bill fell in love with his iBook. He said, it's common for people to marry objects, to give their objects to gender. And to me, my Mac is a man.

What happens when there's an update?

He says, I'm living in a homosexual relationship with my MacBook.

But when the new models come out, does he just stay in the past with the same one? How does that work?

Well, before dating his MacBook, before marrying his MacBook, sorry, he did date two or three laptops beforehand. And that's where he started to realize, this is for me, hard drives.

What the shit?

So as I've said, these people are all called objective files or objective sexuals. And yeah, that is World Of The Strange.

Wow, ladies and gents, non-gender people, robots and everything else.

Oval towers.

Glad you enjoyed that. Yeah, I've had.

Gav, what are your final thoughts on those people?

Do whatever you like, as long as you're not harming people, you know, or animals.

I don't think any of them were, were they really? They're all having fairgrounds.

They do whatever they want, and that's fine. I don't, there's loads of shit in the world I don't get. I walk down the street and look at people's fashions go, I don't get it. So like, whatever, do whatever you want. It's love. Love is what it matters, and love is all you need.

Oh, hang on, Bill's asking me something. I'm not going to ask him. OK, Gav, Bill wants to know, would you marry his erection?

Is it something you built or you're on about what's in your pants?

He's talking about that thing there.

No, that is not getting anywhere near me. Stay there and turn around.

He's turned around. Now I can see his buttcheeks. He's wearing assless chaps.

That's better.

It is better.

It's just two fleshy circles, then.

Bill, if you could just come over here, careful with that Vaseline and just take us...

Back up as well. Don't turn around.

Take us out of World Of The Strange, please, Bill.

That's all the time we've got for this week on World Of The Strange. Next week, though. Weird.

In January, a message from an extraterrestrial source was picked up at the Parks Observatory in Australia. A new sequence of DNA, friendly instructions on how to combine it with ours. This growth is amazing. The decision was made to terminate the experiment. Breaking out! She escaped? We have a serious emergency on our hands. I want a team to track her. Hunt her down. You created a monster, now you want us to kill it.

Species from 1995, rated 18 in an hour and 48 minutes. A group of scientists try to track down and trap a killer alien, seductress, before she successfully mates with a human.

In other words, a horny alien is on the rampage.

It's such an interestingly fun concept. Especially, it's definitely a 90s film.

Yes, this film is a bit of a comfort blanket for me. I've got it on VHS.

Yeah, I know this film. I've never ever owned this movie, but I've seen it tons of times because it's always like on RTV or something. It's always on telly.

It came out around the same time as The Relic, and I kind of do consider it in the same ballpark as The Relic, which we have covered, particularly because Michael Madsen in this, reminds me a little bit of Tom, what's his name from The Relic? You know, Tom Sizemore. It's a bit of a hard man playing that kind of.

Yeah.

But this cast is pretty fucking stacked, isn't it?

It's a really weird, diversive cast, but it's one of those sort of on the Sombra cast, where you've got your Magnificent Seven or, you know, and you need to have a few people in it. And this is at the time, these are fairly big actors for the mid 90s.

Yeah, so we've got, as we mentioned, we got Michael Madsen in this, you know, hot off of the Tarantino movies, and Ben Kingsley in this, Oscar-winning Ben Kingsley, fuck knows what he was doing, but I guess he needed to pay some bills, and that's great. And I'm not slating this film, I'm just saying this isn't the sort of film you'd normally see him in.

No.

Alfred Molina's in this as well, as a lot of the younger listeners would know is Doctor Octopus from the Spider-Man movies, but also, you know, he's in Indiana Jones, and he's a very famous British actor. Forrest Whitaker is in this as well as Dan, Dan the psychic. We've even got Michelle Williams. This was her first role, who plays the young alien, who was with, not married to, but pretty much married to Heath Ledger for years. They had a child together. She went on to win an Oscar herself.

Sarah said, I know why you like this movie.

I mean, it came out in 1995. We were all at a certain age, but also there is a good, fun vibe to this movie. It's a B movie, let's be honest. But it's a B movie with a little bit of pedigree in the cast.

It's kind of a B movie with an A cast.

And don't forget, on top of all of this, we've got HR. Geiger.

B movie with A production.

Yeah.

He occasionally did those. Yeah, Geiger came in to help. And some of those sequences...

He fucked up the production a lot because he was very angry about what could and couldn't be done and how some of the sequences looked. He had a bit more of a hand in it than they would have really liked. The movie he wanted was about two and a half hours long. And they were like, Geiger, we cannot just let the director, let the producers do this. And he was like, no, if you're going to use my designs, I need a 20-minute sex scene, and I need this and that. And it's like, it's not going to work.

Yeah, Steve Johnson's the main effects artist here is one of those rock and roll makeup artists, you know?

Yep.

She talk of, yeah, he did it. He's pretty good. He's pretty good makeup artist.

And not just makeup, but like effects as well, like when she's born out of the cocoon, they had really good ideas to do that.

Makeup effects, yeah, not makeup.

And why we love this film, and I know why you love this film, Gav, and obviously we picked this because it involves, you know, a sexy alien trying to mate. And that's a Valentine's thing, if ever there was one. But the reason we like this film, particularly Gav, is because there is a real detective element to this.

There's a crack team of people, all with specialist skills, and they're hunting, throughout LA, they're hunting this, they're on the track, and they never quite catch her, they never catch up to her.

It's that classic thing, and they all get out of the moment, but they're all sitting there going, so what's your strain of profession then? And they're going back and forth. Well, if I'm here, then the shit's definitely hit the fan.

Great dialogue, cheesy but great.

And it's a group of people of different professions don't know what they're doing there. It's like Jurassic Park, get Jurassic Park on the helicopter, and they're going in, they don't know why they're there. And they're all different professions. So it's the same Godzilla, Roller and Emirates Godzilla, that's the same thing. We've seen it before, but it's a tried and tested and we like it. So yeah, I'm a fan.

And as I mentioned in the intro, this is really a mashup of Terminator and Basic Instinct, but with like alien vibes in it as well, obviously the Geiger stuff, but also because it is an alien. But certainly Terminator, as she gets cleverer and cleverer, still the alien, Natasha Henstridge, she starts to learn better ways to avoid them and evade them. And she even starts, you know, trying to fake her in death.

Yeah, it's a weird choice, especially sort of this time. You've got to remember, this is when we were having that weird moment of horror. This is just before Scream is about to take horror into a whole new realm.

Horror was like walking around in a circle, not knowing what it was.

It was a weird one. There's different movies. I'll bet if you looked at the list of sort of films, horror movies came out in 1995. I think we, because I remember we've done it because we've done The Time Team. And I remember it being because I remember saying, oh, this is interesting because of Scream, you know, and it was, it was a really weird time. This is probably one of the highlights.

Yeah. Yeah. And it was, and it did well enough that, you know, they've made three sequels to it.

Action sci-fi, I'd say this would have been.

They made a sequel to this with Natasha Henstridge, and I think Michael Madsen was in that as well. Then they made a third one, which Natasha wasn't in and no one else was returning in it. And then they did a fourth one, which I said to Gav off air, the fourth one feels like a college, a group of college classmates got together and made a really poor species movie. It's not worth it. I wouldn't even bother with the third one.

You know, you say about Ben Kingsley, he must have been like desperate or whatever.

Not desperate, but it's just an odd choice of film for him to be in.

In he done four films in 97 alone and a voice to a computer game. Like, that's not being that's not sitting around. I know that's not, you know, that's not that means also if you did that, they're fairly quick fucking productions. Yeah. So they're not going to be the most expensive. So I would say with someone like Ben Kingsley, he likes just to act. You get that kind of with Annie Hopkins a little bit. And it's just an excuse to act.

He would have been the most expensive actor to get this, probably him and Michael Madsen.

Michael Madsen would have been up there at the time. Who else? Yeah, because you got the lady who's the... I only know her already from The Redhead with her fucking old school 80s haircut from CSI, the original CSI. And then...

March Helgenberger.

Forrest Rittercut. I'm just going through Ben Kingsley's roles at that point. Obviously he'd done, you know, Gandhi. And some sort of stuff, which is very big.

Forrest Rittercut wasn't very big back at this point. He'd done a few films.

Yeah, he was doing stuff for sure. Yeah, it's really interesting. And obviously you got Alfred Molina, which is great because obviously I know him from Raids Of The Lost Ark, the first guy. Give me the bag. Give me the bag. Yeah. And then really good is the guy that they try to take his drugs and his money from Boogie Nights.

Yeah, and he's amazing. He's Dr. Octopus.

And yeah, he's a real fun actor. And he's such an interesting guy to have there because he's a good actor. He knows how to act.

And he's this British guy in the middle of all these Americans, although Ben Kinsey is obviously. But yeah, but I mean, the character, he's the only one with a British accent. So you've got him thrown in the mix. They're all real weird.

It's a really weird. Okay, so again, dichotomy. Dichotomy. Yeah. But I like, you know, kind of like all of them really. And it's quite weird. Michael Madsen and Marge Robles, Preston Lennox, Lennox, we're safe, Michael Madsen and then the redheaded lady from CSI, Dr. Lord Baker. They seem to have like a flirtatious thing going on. It's a really forced chemistry. It is Michael Madsen looks like he has no chemistry whatsoever. It might be his acting ability. I don't know.

My wife said Michael Madsen in this reminded her of a cross between Vince Vaughan and Matthew Perry, which I kind of see when you're watching it.

Yeah, but I do like it. Should we get into the film?

Yes, indeed. Let's do it. So Species, we start off, of course, in space.

Very, very B-movie sci-fi title we have.

I've got here space B-movie vibes.

Yeah.

There we go. Exactly the same as you. And I've also written what we've already discussed was, wow, what a cast.

Are we saying with the production producer, I think when this was made, the age would probably be on the production crew and stuff. We probably grew up with those 50 sci-fi films, I'm taking a guess.

Yeah, even like Carpenter's Thing and things like that.

Yeah.

There's something about the opening of this, even has an air predator element to the opening of this. You know what I mean? We start off very far away.

What's the score of this? It feels like it is a novel.

I think it was just a script that has been shopped around.

The same writer wrote Golden Child. Yeah, wrote Virus, that one with Jamie Lee Curtis.

Similar vibe.

All the other species. Hasn't written much, to be honest with you. Yeah. I don't know. It's a weird movie. Why did Hollywood at this time? But I think I answered it earlier. They didn't know what was going on. Horror is in a weird state.

Because, Gab, Sex Cells and Basic Instinct, all the Sharon Stone movies were coming out in the 90s.

Is it like someone finds Natasha and says, we've got this lady, maybe she's done some pinup stuff. People start to know about her. Obviously, this is pre-hardcore internet. That's for sure. Internet was there, but not really like it is now. Do you think it's a case of like, we have this lady, she's beautiful. People know her, but she's quite a thing. She's the thing at the moment. Have you got anything which we could include in a movie? Because her acting is absolutely fine.

Well, you know, and that those are the best films is where you watch them and think, I wonder why they made that. I was talking to our buddy RJ about films like this recently. And one of the films that we were coming back to was um, uh, bloody hell, the space, that naked vampire film, um, you know, uh, Toby Hooper.

Yeah.

Naked Space Vampires. What's it called?

Can't remember.

You know, the one at Life Force. Yeah. Why did they make that?

Boobs.

Doesn't matter.

Oh, they did make us boobs. I'm just commenting.

It doesn't matter. And I'm glad because the best films were always ones where you, there's no reason that they made it. It's not like there was loads of alien films at this point. You know, I guess there was some alien movies, like Alien 3 or whatever, but yeah, I'm glad they did. Um, so there we go. And we are at SETI, which is the Search For Extraterrestrial Life and Intelligent Life.

So we've seen this before, haven't we? But do you think at that stage in 95, we'd seen it? I know we would have had a little bit, but since then, we've definitely seen zombies putting in chambers and things and just different things, creatures and things. Obviously, aliens is a big one. But we saw that a lot later on in like the Prometheus and that.

Alien 4, she was being grown in a lab as a clone.

Yeah, I guess we have sort of seen this before. So we kind of know what's going on. And it's kind of a it's a it's a real sad one almost with this, isn't it? And it goes to show that it's just a thing. Because the idea is this fucking, as Mark Madison says, that's a little bit good to straight. This this thing came from space and you injected it into a little kid or all injected and it grew a kid. Now the kids turn bad and evil and you want us to kill it.

So the little girl wakes up in a lab and...

All in like a glass, like fucking greenhouse, if you can imagine that.

And Ben Kinkley is watching from behind a glass up on a balcony while some scientists are preparing some gas because they've decided this is too dangerous. We're going to blast it with cyanide gas and kill it. Now, this little girl is probably, what, about eight, nine, ten?

Um, yeah, I'd go between eight and ten.

And Ben Kinkley is looking sad because he knows, you know, we've got to kill this thing. And also it looks like a little girl.

She classes him as papa. It's strange of things, isn't it?

And he says, it is a little bit, yeah. And he says, bye bye. And they begin the gas, the gas starts coming out and she freaks out and she uses her alien DNA strength to punch through the glass. She's really strong. She escapes. The army gets called in, the choppers.

It's a whole thing. It's quite nice the way she escapes.

She jumps a fence, doesn't she? A really high fence.

Yeah. He says, I'm sorry. Then they start to buy pump gas into that chamber. Then she breaks out. The effects list took an IMDb very quickly. The effects list is one of those movies. We did this recently. We watched a movie and I checked the effects list and it was like, what the fuck? It's huge. Like this one is huge as well as visual effects, as well as actual like, you know, digital effects, crazy lots. Also, very quickly, just saying the scores really good.

Yeah, it's got a good pumping 90s sci-fi score. Again, a little bit Terminator as well at times.

Yeah, the score is by Christopher Young, which I'm trying to find out. I'm pretty sure he did Hellraiser. Score, which is a great score. I don't know. It's a proper orchestration, and the music list is absolutely bonkers as well. I've got to have to check out what the budget is on this movie.

There's some great 90s R&B in this.

Yeah, sorry.

Because they go to a lot of nightclubs and drive around in BMWs in the 90s in this. And there's some great R&B and sort of club dance, club tunes that you'd recognize as well.

Oh, there's a bit in this where I'm like, where the fuck is Michael Douglas with his sweater? Like, where the shit is he? I'm looking for him at a nightclub scene. It's like, where is he?

And instead, you've got Ben Kingsley just stood at the bar drinking a whiskey.

Yeah. Like I said, this is an A production. It fucking is. Like, the list, an IMDb list is like, that ain't no B list, do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Just through how much it is.

Well, the little girl escapes. She hops on a train, like a freight train, which then leaves the station. And then a pair of the old Trump sort of jumps. Don't know what he's going to do to her, but before he can do anything, she kills him. We don't find out quite how she kills him yet, but she kills him. And they arrive at the train and all the scientists are saying to Ben Kingsley, well, could she have got on a train that quickly? Is she that fast? And he says, she is that fast.

It's kind of like evolving continuously. And very quickly, yeah, the composer is pretty much composed everything you can fucking think of. Hellraiser, all the Hellraisers, fly to randomly. Copycat, I'm just going to say some of the horrors very quickly. Urban Legend, composed school. The Gift, The Grudge, Exorcism and Amelie Rose, Spider-Man 3, Ghost Rider, loads of stuff. Drag Me To Hell, so nice. Sinister, like really good, really good stuff.

She gets off the train in the middle of a busy town. She walks into a store. She's hungry. She's about to try and shoplift some food, but she's chased out of the store. She jumps back onto a different train, an actual people train now, like a pedestrian train. While she's on the train, she steals a bag from somebody and she finds inside of it a very nineties mini TV. Love this little TV.

And it's her first experience of television. She's, you know, well, she also has that when she gets to the hotel room as well.

Yeah. And she's never watched TV before, so she's watching it. She's got a load of cash that she steals from the train, which she can just bust open the register office. Sorry. You know, the cash register is what I'm trying to say. And she fills up a bag with bananas and food because she's, like you said, she's growing and evolving. She needs to constantly be eating.

Yeah, this is when she's on the train. Yeah, she sneaks in. She manages to steal some money, goes to a little...

cubicle carriage.

Sorry, couldn't think of the fucking word. And with the money she stole, she just kind of hands some money to the lady. And the lady's just like a real nice person. Says, oh, don't... You just need that money. I'll tell you what, if you're traveling by yourself, someone picking you up, yeah, okay. Look, let's just pay that. Then you only pay half price. All right? Be real nice to her.

She says to her, are you 12? And she says, yes. And she says, well, let's pretend you're 11, because if you're 11 or under, you get half price for her, all right?

Yeah, so it's quite good. While this is happening, though, the dead homeless person who's fucked up...

He's like snapped in half.

Great effects. He's been found. And so they're on the case. And I love these bits. Straight away from the get go, I love the fact we've got this... Straight away from the movie starts, it's basically a chase movie, a hunt movie, which is such a fun fucking film. The quest is easy. Everybody, even if you got fucking one brain cell, can understand what is going on in this film. And I love the bits where you just keep going back to the team discussing what to do and as their own agendas.

Well, the government say to Ben Kingsley, could a little girl have done this? And he says, she's not a little girl. And he says, look, we can't let the public know about this because we can't just say, oh, there's an alien on the loose. So we need to assemble the A team.

He doesn't say that.

And this is where we start to meet some of the members. We first of all, meet Michael Madsen, who's sort of helping his neighbor with her cat.

Just before we've had this, through this movie, we have these very Geiger-esque alien sex flashbacks where two aliens are having sex and it's like kind of floating in this blue ton of visuals. We keep having this as a flashback. She keeps going to him. We've just had one of these. Then we cut to this team.

It's because, and the reason for these flashes is because Syl is evolving and changing and about to cocoon herself and grow bigger again. And she is having a vision of what she's to become, which is this basically sex machine alien.

Yeah, it's evolving. Insane, though, that at some point, I was going to be a guy out there, it's going to be like, yep, I had sex with an alien. I literally put my penis inside an alien.

That is pretty weird. It is. We also meet Forrest Whitaker's character, Dan, who he's a psychic and he's sat with his psychiatrist.

He's like the most full on psychic kick possible. He's got the strength of a thousand psychics. Do you know what I mean? At one point, Ben Kingsley is like, which way has he gone? Come on, man, which way has she gone? He's like, I don't know. Oh my God, you don't know. In a Ben Kingsley way and he stomps off. And it's because he didn't know, because she was just there in the water sort of thing, confusing his psychic abilities.

On the train, Sil starts dreaming about the train turning into a big spiky penis type thing and chasing her. And then she's eating all the food and her skin starts blistering.

It's bananas without peeling. Just gets in there.

So she looks in the mirror and she sees tentacles start coming out of her face. And that's where she starts to turn into a cocoon. All these tentacles come out and wrap her up in the corner of her train carriage.

I would have fucking loved the A-Team episode, which was this.

Imagine BA going up against them.

I ain't getting on no train.

Yeah, but you know that Face would end up shagging the alien, wouldn't he?

No, it'd be like, oh my god, are you saying that you think that Face, that girl that he went off with earlier, is the alien? Oh, Murdock, oh Hannibal, we got to get him. Let me do it. And it's just, that'd be fucking great.

I feel sorry for that crazy alien.

I would love it so much. Murdock or Hannibal? No, probably Hannibal would come in pretending to be the ticket guy.

Yeah, Hannibal would have a moustache on, wouldn't he? So good. So the team are assembled by Ben Kingsley now, and we meet them all. We've got Michael Madsen, Forrest Whitaker, Alfred Molina and Dr. Baker. Each of them sits down and starts explaining their skills.

So I'm sorry. I'm now thinking of the scenarios we can have as AI later on in life. I can have Clumbo stalking a serial killer, like a gnarly serial killer, like a giallo, with Clumbo with his raincoat and giallo.

You could have Silence Of The Lambs, but instead of Jodie Foster, you can have Clumbo going in to visit Anthony Hopkins.

But I think it's got to be TV episodes, but you can also just fucking change it. That'd be so good.

So this team discusses what they all do. So Dr. Baker, she is a biologist, I believe. Obviously, Ben Kingsley is the one who organized the entire alien program. He'll explain that to them later. Alfred Molina, he's the biologist. The lady Dr. Baker, she is an expert in anatomy and bugs and creatures and animals. Forrest Whittaker's character, Dan, he is a psychic. So he's been used by the government many times to help track down serial killers.

And ticket lady, nice ticket lady, goes to check in on the girl, says, it's a bit late to still have your TV on. Walks in the room and there's just shit everywhere. There's food wrappers, everything. She's like, what the hell? Walks into the bathroom. What is there, Dan?

There's a big pulsating cocoon in the corner. And as she turns the light on, the tentacles grab her and pull her into it. And then a naked Natasha Hentridge flops out of it.

I tell you what, if I was going around, I suppose I go see if that kid's all right. You all right, kid? Oh, you're not there. What's in the bathroom? That's a bit weird. Oh shit, that's a huge massive fucking cocoon pulsating. I would turn around and leave.

Yeah, don't worry about your ticket.

She kind of goes, with her mouth open and slowly walks towards it. What are you telling me? That's possibly not your normal day, but could be.

And this is our first shot of Fully Grown Seal played by Natasha Henstridge. Good effect here, where they shot it sideways, so it looked like she was being born and falling out of it, but they actually pushed her up through it. And she flops out covered in sort of cocoon slime.

Naked woman falls out of sack.

Yep, we've all been there. And she sort of stands over the dead woman on the floor. And that's all we see of that. And Ben Kingsley then says, I'm going to tell you all a story about why you're here.

Yeah, he says, he explains.

He says, SETI is the search for extraterrestrial intelligent life. In 1974, we sent a message up to space. You know, it had things like DNA, the population of the human race, all that kind of stuff in it. And then in the 90s, 1993, we got a message back. In fact, we got two messages back. The first one was a nice message that just sort of gave us some information on how we could turn methane, which is a very harmless gas. It just smells a bit, but obviously it's flammable.

Because they can't make money off it.

However, the second message we got back was a DNA sequence and it was an alien DNA sequence.

The second message was a formula which was which we decided to just inject straight into an embryo and see what happened. What?

And he said, so let me show you some video footage.

Instead of the clean energy for the world, we decided to do this instead. What?

I love it. And he shows them some video footage of the little girl. He says, look, this is the embryo when it was one day old. And the next day, it's like a five month old embryo. And he's like, and this is two days. And he said, this is a week. This is a month.

A month, she's about six years old at a month.

Yeah. And then he shows the girl that we met at the beginning. And he's like, she's a year old here, but she's actually 11.

And here's a video of her escaping. And now she's sort of hunting and killing people. Well done. Or we could have had clean energy.

So, this is about Michael Madsen does his brilliant summary of it, where he just says, so let me get this raid. If I understand what you've said. And then Forrest Whitaker does his, he's brilliant in this. He does his, she's scared. She's scared. She's a hunter. She's a predator. She's got eyes facing forward.

How did he know this from just them talking about it? That's what I want to know. But they say to her, he says, he doesn't hold anything or has, you know.

But it's funny because he's saying all this stuff. And he says, she's an apex predator because she's got her eyes facing forward, but she can see the distance between her and her prey. And one of the girls says, how do you know that? He says, I saw it on the Discovery Channel. Yeah. He says, I saw that one on the Discovery Channel.

But his psyche, does that mean that he could be anywhere in the world and just go, I could go straight into any person anywhere in the world and go into their psychic abilities? No.

Yeah. Yeah, cause he's, cause he's Florence Whitaker. And he's got a funny little hat on.

Any listeners that are psychic, please come in and tell me if this is legit shit.

Legit shit. So cut back to Syl, she is in disguise now in the train conductor's outfit. She gets off the train.

Fits her fairly well. I'm going to say the lady before was a little more robust than this very slim one. It fits her really well.

And about a foot shorter than Natasha Henstrich.

It's a little baggy, you can see, but it's like, no, hang on. That lady before you was not in that costume, that uniform.

No, but she enters the population of Los Angeles. She is now in the crowds. Oh, boy.

Yeah, I would have said probably better. No, no, it does fit because she's a blonde in that. But if you want to go to a crazy town, San Francisco.

The A-Team arrive at the site of the dead train conductor. They see the cocoon and they said, what was it? Well, it looks like a cocoon to me. That's exactly what this is. Brilliant. And then they realize LA is the perfect time for her. It's a city where anything goes. Everyone is on the go. Yeah, it's the 90s.

Hypertentocolour and all sorts.

And all sorts going on here. So great. She's going to easily find someone to meet with here.

Another thing about them fucking clothes. Are you telling me also the woman who the ticket inspector, who slowly went, oh, what's that big thing? And then pulled into it and killed those clothes that could come out with not one spot of dirt on that white blouse.

Or any rips or anything like that.

Smashing blouse, but it ain't day.

Syl walks into a bridal wear shop and she buys a bridesmaids dress, which she looks beautiful in. And there's a lovely lady who says to her, are you foreign? So she's learning all the time. She says, yes. She says, okay, LA can be dangerous. Look after your money. You've given me too much money. Here's how much this dress cost. Here's your change. Look after it. Because she's just got it all screwed up in her hands.

Yeah, it's sexualized adverts, which we know.

No, no, there's a sexy. She watches a bit of porn on there as well. Oh, there's a little bit of porn. She's flicking for all the channels. And then she is flicking. Oh, cut back to in the lab.

Earlier, by the way, on that, she did keep noticing pregnant women all the time. She just kind of took a notice to them.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Well, back in the lab, they're saying to Ben Kingsley, look, why the hell don't you just grow the DNA rule without injecting it into a human? Because we don't know what this thing looks like. The human face is obviously a disguise. And he's like, all right, we'll do that then. Come on then, let's grow it in the lab and make it grow into an actual alien so we can see what we're dealing with. So they're doing this.

I think I'm pretty sincere. So what the fuck is he going in? Honestly, and actually, why is this scene even in this film? It's not really even required. It's just an action scene.

But it demonstrates that him and Dr. Baker's relationship starts up here.

She's a doctor. She does it all the time. So she's like, oh, the camera's gone down. I can fix it. It goes, well, we can get a take up here in like a few hours. No, no, no, no, no problem. This always happens. Goes in there. OK, I expected some real tech shit. Do you see what they had to do? They unscrewed a cable and took the camera out, put another camera in and screwed the cable back in.

So anyway, it's a fairly tense scene because they replace the camera.

It's a quite a fun scene, but at the same time, though, which is really funny. I know we're going to get to it. When they do find the escape at the door, it takes about two seconds. Door open, door shut. Bing Kingsley is like, No, no, I can't open the door. I can't do it. I've got to follow protocol. I can't do it. And it's like, why?

Well, we jumped ahead there. And so basically, they go into this sealed off lab where this DNA is to replace his camera. They're wearing hazmat suits. They've replaced the camera.

It's very thing almost, or thing and alien, isn't it here?

It is. And Forest starts saying, something's wrong. Something's wrong.

Also, it's also like very much like that film Life.

Oh, yeah, it is.

Which is a fun film.

Good movie.

We should cover that, by the way.

The alien, because it hasn't got any human DNA told about, begins growing even quicker than it did when it was in the human DNA. So it already turns into this big gray blob that starts trying to smash out of this box that it's in. But Ben Kingsley can't let them out, like you said. He's like, I can't break protocol. I've got to keep them in there. And if something happens, I can't let them out. And they're like, let us out, let us out, let us out.

The camera did get changed.

Yeah, but then it got burned immediately.

Then set on fire.

Brilliant. So you're right. In some ways, it is a waste of time we've seen, but it's fine. It is what it is.

It's an executive said, boring, we need some more action. So they just threw that scene in.

Also, it's a little bit of tension so that Dr. Baker and Michael Madsen can start having the hots for each other.

Yes, and it gives character development. It shows Ben Kingsley is doing it by the book and doesn't care about human civilians.

That's true, actually, right. And it shows Michael Madsen is brave.

Yeah, this is where our sexy alien...

Hang on a minute, I'm just imagining a scenario where Michael Madsen is in your house, and you're like, oh, my God, the lights have gone out. And he's like, I could go and change the light bulb for you if you like. No, no, it's fine. I'll get an electrician. He'll be here in two hours.

Electrician? Change the light bulb?

Let me go and do it for you. All right, Michael Madsen, you change my light bulb for me then. Why? Because I'm brave.

I can do it.

He's gruff. He's gruff.

I love this. Our sexy alien goes to her reception, so she puts on some normal clothes now. And she's like, where can I meet a man? Oh, no, no, she's after she said, Oh, I need a credit card, you know, zips up. She's like, Oh, okay. And takes it and says, there you go. Just does it. And then she says, where can I meet a man?

No, she says, where can I find a man?

Where can I find a man?

And he's like, Oh, right. There's a nightclub just around the corner. And he manages to swipe the credit card she's got.

If it had been me, I'd have been like, there's one right here.

And this alerts the team.

That's where she looks at you up and down and goes, no.

This alerts the team this credit card because it was the conductor's credit card. Straight away, they get in. Oh my God, the conductor's credit card has been used in a motel.

It comes up. We're going pre-internet here, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah, it's good. And Seal enters the nightclub.

Fucking hell. If Michael Douglas is not dancing in his V-neck, I'm a bloody monkey.

I want Michael Douglas in this and I want the vampire from Fright Night as well.

Yeah, both of them just dancing away in their jumpers. But I swear, Michael Douglas is in this fucking place. Absolutely guaranteed.

It's basic instinct vibes, isn't it?

It so is.

It really is.

And Michael Douglas just looks so weird and creepy.

So we get a good bit now where we're reminded that Seal, although she is this beautiful woman, she is a predator, she's an alien, and she's working out how to get what she wants. And she's about to go and speak to this hot guy when, well, what she thinks is a hot guy, when this girl comes over and says, I need to go to a party, take me to a party. And she thinks, right, I need to take that woman out because she's my competition in getting a man. So she follows this woman into the toilet.

It's a really weird reason, isn't it?

The woman's like, sorry, honey, I'll spare and love and war. And then she goes and sits on the toilet for a pee. And this alien hand just smashes through the wall and rips her spine out.

It's a little bit, obviously the whole movie is unrealistic, but it's a little bit like, how did she get around there? Where is she? Well, how does she know? I guess she has alien senses.

But she's learned now. So she goes up to the guy, another guy who says, take me to a party.

So is that a kind of predatory thing, say like animal in the jungle or something? Do you know what I mean? Like a like, like I need to take out the other competitors.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She wants to meet.

Yeah. Yeah. She finds this guy who looks right out of fucking Jules Bigelow. He looks like the male Jigelow, who goes off to France and he and she picks him up.

Yeah. Meanwhile, the team are looking at CCTV footage from the motel. They're like, well, it's not really good footage. We can see that she's blonde. But where could she have gone? And the guy says, well, I sent her to the nightclub around the corner. She said she wanted a man. And they're like, great, let's go.

Yeah. It's quite good that they're so close on her, like really close behind her. Just before her. Yeah. And they go to the, she'd gone off and they go to the club. And they're basically sort of saying, like, what sort of person are we looking at? And they kind of, because of all their skills, I kind of know the person that she's looking for. And they've kind of realized that she is actually mate, wants to mate.

Well, if it was a boy alien that she has as well, he's going to rape his way around.

Bad hand or bad hand, the aliens said when they sent the messages, didn't they?

They gave us a choice and Ben Kinkley made his decision.

Well, I think aliens and embryos. Yeah.

Don't forget, they discovered the girl's body in the toilet as well. So they're on the Haunted Hill.

So they kind of know because they've got the skills. They kind of know the person she's after. So they say to them, like, what are we looking for? A guy? He's probably a friendly guy, actually. He probably would have left. And they're like, oh, Robbie. Yeah, Robbie, Robbie, Robbie.

Robbie is a rapist and he gets what's coming to him.

Yeah. Well, Robbie goes in, he's real stylish. He clicks his fingers and the lights come on and he clicks his music, clicks his fingers again. He says, the cheesiest music comes on.

He says to her, I'm going to go take a shower. He puts his finger around her, man. He says, you don't have to join me, but if you feel like taking a shower, that's where I'll be.

He takes his clothes off and goes, he's like, I've got this girl's thing on me.

And he goes for a little shower. She strips off all her clothes, but she looks at him and something makes her feel weird. And it's because he's not a perfect specimen. He's got diabetes, we will find out.

Yeah, which they find out very cleverly, straight away at the house, because they turn up.

And that reminds me of Predator, Predator vs. Alien, where it won't kill Lance Henriksen, because he's got the cancer, that kind of thing.

Won't bother putting in him, because it might make the alien or whatever be bad. Yeah, so the same principle here, she's like, I don't want to have my kid, because it's going to be bad, possibly.

She says, I've changed my mind.

I've decided to change my mind. And she's just taking her boobs out, he's naked.

And she says, well, you're here now, you're not leaving.

Yeah, and he gets all rapey. But this is where the rapist gets it.

Because she gives him a kiss. But then we look at the back of his head, and I guess a xenomorph type tongue thing.

Sticks around the back of his head. Shoots him, kills him straight away. At this point, we've got our Michael Madsen just really approaching with a handgun up to her, but he's too late.

And they find him dead on the floor and realize she hasn't mated with him.

She did shower, by the way, very quickly. So she's clean again. So she's not like got blood all over and she's back out in the LA.

And Michael Madsen says, well, I'd say they haven't mated because the guy's still got his shorts on.

That's how he realizes it.

Because I'd have my shorts off.

To be fair, it would have been very quick sexing to do it and put his clothes back on.

And then they find the needles and then they realize he's got diabetes because they find the insulin. So they start realizing she's looking for someone who doesn't have any sort of defects or diseases or anything like that. She's looking for a decent specimen.

At this point here, with my filmmaker's eye, it really is a... I don't want to put me into this, but when I did Shadow of Death at the beginning, there's a bit where the camera doesn't stop and it goes around all the characters, just moving things right at the beginning of the film. It's to establish characters. Anyway, it's done quite a lot in giallos, that's why I kind of got it from where the camera roams around. Here it's done for no reason at all.

And that means they've all got to really act and remember the lines.

I don't understand. Oh yeah, totally, because it's all in a piece. But I don't understand why they've done it, because that's a real style change, especially for them to go like that. And I think it's to make it, try and make it more hectic and inclusive.

Yeah, it looks good, though. And still steals this guy's black, because, of course, he's got a black convertible BMW that pumps out R&B from the 90s. So she drives off in that and she falls asleep and has more sex alien dreams about what she's supposed to be doing. And she wakes up. Oh, gosh. She wakes up in the car. It's run out of petrol.

She goes for a walk, literally leaves the beamer, goes for a walk. And she gets, she's not that much lucky, I've got to say. She gets hit and run, basically. She gets run over.

Well, it's because she's so hot, Gav, because the skateboard whistles at her. And someone looks the wrong way, and then a car swerves, then she gets hit. She gets smashed through a bus stop.

So it's her fault for being hot.

She's too hot. She gets smashed through a bus stop. Meanwhile, the stolen car has been reported by a cop who's found it.

Our A-Team have just started discussing the whole male, you know, within six months, if she had a baby. And there's a male that could take over the world.

Yeah. Yeah, we're in trouble. She's in hospital.

She's in hospital. Basically, we have this stud come along in his convertible, jump out of the convertible and go, Hey, smell my cologne. I've got a Harry Chester medallion. Let me help her to go to hospital. Make sure she's all right. I'll tell you what, I'll pay for her hospital bill on my credit card.

I know, the woman behind the cane just like, Wow, there aren't many men like you out there.

Yeah, weird, creepy and perverted, I reckon. But we're meant to believe he's been a nice person.

But while she's lying there on the hospital bed with a fucked up shoulder and all this bruising and cuts.

Sorry, I love the fact that this guy does this. He does seem to be fairly all right, his character they've chose to cast his character. I love the fact though that he thinks this is true love. In his world, he's just watched a Clark Gable movie or something, and he's like, this is it. This is true love. I'm going to pay for a credit card. They think she's going to come to be like falling of me. She's a fucking alien.

He is quite a nice guy.

Yeah, so he thinks it's a whole true love story. Like you're in the wrong movie, dude. All of a sudden, you just get out of here quick.

Well, she heals herself up with weird rippling of the skin. And the doctor is like, what the fuck is going on?

The doctor is like, the nurse can go out there. He's looking at her back, going, OK, this is the problem. They also says, what happens? All the bruising just vanishes.

And then she gets up and runs off.

And he's in shock. Then she just walks off. It's a good little bit of acting from him, actually.

And then she runs out and the guy is like, what the hell? I just dropped you off. You were severely injured.

So she leaves with him, yeah.

She says, please take me home. And he says, OK, takes her back to his house.

It's true love. She loves it.

It's got a lovely little garden with a hot tub.

I love my little place here. It gets me away from all the traffic out there.

Sometimes I don't even feel like it. I'm in LA when I'm sat here.

I can feel the breeze through my pubic hair and ball sack.

Pretty. When he gives her some food and he says, hey, let's take a picture. And he's got an old camera, Polaroid camera. He takes a picture of them together. And meanwhile, the team are tracking them down.

They get to the BMW, which is stolen. And they're told, so weird happened in a hospital two blocks away.

Yeah. So they go to the hospital and they discover this doctor says, well, I just can't explain it, but she came in with really bad injuries and it was healed up straight away. So they go to the receptionist and say, who paid for a medical bill? She's like, some guy, I've got his credit card details here. Here's his address. It's a great way of keeping them on the trail all the time. Thank God, everyone uses credit cards in this film. That's what I'll say. So they go to his address.

How quick would this movie finish if they all had smartphones?

Or how long would this movie have been if she just paid cash and everyone he paid cash and there was no trace by credit card?

That would be a longer movie.

Meanwhile, they're on the way to his house now. But we're back at his house now and he says...

He wants to take a picture, doesn't he?

I'm going to get... Well, they've done that. He says, I'm going to get in the hot tub now. She just gets butt naked in the hot tub.

She's like, what is this? It's a hot tub.

And he looks at her like, oh, my God, is this actually happening? Oh, this naked chick in the hot tub.

She instantly goes towards him, starts kissing him. He's like, whoa! And she starts trying to put his shorts off. And he's like, slow down.

And then his phone rings. It's them trying to call him, the A team. And he's like, I better get my phone. Why? Why?

OK, I said this to Sarah, like, what the fuck? Why is he instantly like, hang on, stop this sexy lady. I don't wait. I know you're naked kissing me, but my phone is ringing. And it might be the takeaway man or something. Oh, fuck off.

So Michael Madsen and Dr. Baker arrive at his house and she senses them at the door. She's like, oh, and then she turns to the guy in the hot tub and says, I want a baby. And he's like, excuse me. And then she just drowns him in the hot tub.

She goes all alien as well.

She goes all reptilian and he's dead in the hot tub. And she goes off and hides out in the garden.

She kind of puts like a tube down his throat. It's quite.

Yeah. And while she's in the garden, she's spying on Michael Madsen. And she's looking at him. Michael Madsen is going, I can't find her out here. And the others arrive.

Can we one day just, we could do this now though. I can re-record voices for movies and we could re-do them. You could be Mog Madsen or be someone else.

Yeah, I'd love to do that. And obviously I'd love to be Donald as well.

Yep. I haven't done him for quite a while.

Imagine him on the trail. She wants to meet.

It'd be pretty slow though. He'd just be shooting and think, I thought he was an alien. It's like somebody in a costume. I've shot them all. Evil. Pure evil. Evil's everywhere.

Well, you could replace Bing Kingsley and have Loomis instead.

I grew her in a lab. I decided clean energy wasn't the way forward.

Methane, no! Alien, yes! Do you think Bing Kingsley just did it because he knew she turned into Natasha Henshredge and he might get laid?

I don't know.

Sexy.

Dripping.

Anyway, they can't find her anywhere. And she stays hidden in the garden. There's some pretty good dialogue here.

And then she's watching them in the garden.

And then she turns human again and she uses her sort of naked female form to get in a car with another woman. They need to see her in distress. Oh my God.

Also, very good. They need to check if he's had sex. I was like, how do you do it very quickly? So they went with like very, very quickly. They somehow accessed all of the water in the hot tub for semen.

There's no semen.

And there's no semen. Like, how quickly did you do that? And what if the semen had gone through the filtration system in the hot tub?

What if the semen's in her?

How did you do that so quickly? Because I was thinking, how are they going to achieve this? Are they going to quickly give an autopsy there and then cut those balls open or what?

Jesus Christ. So she gets in this woman's car and says, help. And the woman's like, oh, of course. And then that's what we see later on. She's in the lady's car and she can lip read because she's an alien. She's lip reading what they're saying. And she knows exactly what they're planning. She knows exactly what their next moves are. She's very clever, Gav. She's like the Terminator mixed with Sharon Stone. Sharon Stone would have made a great Terminator, by the way.

I want to see my packet.

She says, do you have girlfriends? And he goes, I guess you could say, no, they don't stick around long. It's like, oh, there's a bit of sexy flirting going on here.

Yeah.

Sil follows them in the car back at the hotel. She follows Michael Madsen. She just watches him get in the lift, but nothing more comes of that.

Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Because I thought she was going to then prey on him. But she's like, she's evolved so much with her intelligence as well, and as a hunter sort of species thing to that. Now she's going, keeping tabs on them and they have no idea. Like, she's that clever. Do you know what I mean? Because she could be miles away and get the fuck out there and do what she's doing easily and get away with what she needs to do, which seems to be the primary objective of her.

And also maybe she thinks, I'm not going to go for Michael Madsen because he's quite strong and will suspect me. Whereas later on, when I go for Alpha Bellina, he's got nothing wrong with him. He's quite intelligent and...

It seems a really silly choice. Not that clever because Natasha, like that alien, the way she's looking there, how easy do you think it would be for her to get laid?

Easy peasy.

Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. My gosh! She just needs to get on a train, go out on a train, even on a train, when I have sex with me. Yeah, cool. Brilliant. Done. Done. But no, she...

You'd be absolutely...

Huh?

You'd be absolutely no chance, would you?

What do you mean? Oh, of course I'd say no. No way. No way, love. No way. Look at you. You're stinky.

Look at you. She wakes up in bed next to a woman, the woman that she jumped in the car of, who is now tied up next to her. She says, please, please, just let me go. She's like, I can't let you go.

But it's funny, though, she doesn't kill her, though. Is that because it's not because she's a woman? Oh, no, she hasn't actually killed a woman yet.

But what she does, she has killed the lady in the toilet.

Oh, yes, she did.

What she does is she's got this woman for a reason. She's got a plan.

Oh, God. Yes, I remember now. This is clever.

Yeah. So she cuts off her own thumb, which turns it back into its like reptilian form. Then she cuts off the lady's thumb. And her plan is to fake her own death, which she does really, really well. She leaves in the car. She gets a load of gas in some tanks. She keeps him in the car. Then she steals another car from the gas station. And she drives off to take it back there and tie the lady up in the car with the petrol, so that later on she can cause this explosion. So they think she's dead.

A live sex show in Amsterdam is the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

Same.

And unsexy.

Yeah, really unsexy.

Just a bloke looking around at the audience. Why has he just made eye contact with me? That's really fucking weird.

Well, me and my wife watched the lady pull a string with a banner of flags, like bunting, I guess you'd call it, or cunting in this case.

I've sort of seen that before.

And when she'd finished, it said, welcome to Amsterdam or something like that. And I just thought, fuck you know, what am I doing here? Anyway, their plan now, the reason they're in this club is their plan is, let's just go to the nightclub and wait for her to show up. Great plan. So that's where they are. They're all in the club. However, Forest Whitaker senses her and he thinks, she's outside.

Oh, clever Forest Whitaker.

And he goes outside and she comes up to him. He says, it's you, it's you.

Guys, she's here.

So the other guys all run out there. And this is where the car chase starts.

See, this, okay, again, this whole elaborate plan, this alien's gone and done to get them to chase her. So she fakes her death. So they think she's dead. All this time, she could have been on a bus and had sex. And she could have had sex with probably the whole bus.

She probably could have shagged the motel owner.

A hundred times over. Like, what the hell is she doing? It's a massive elaborate plan. It's just taking off your plan of action here, love. What are you doing?

Well, they're driving along, and Ben Kingsley read it in and says, I think we need the choppers. So they call in some choppers to help.

It's safe and all, isn't it?

And they're driving off this road. You know what it's like in LA, you're driving through the hills, through the cliffs. And then all of a sudden she just goes off road, down a hill. She jumps out of the car, which they don't see. And the car's got this lady in it who's still alive with her thumb cut off.

Oh, it's pretty nasty if that lady is tied up going, oh my God, driving towards a tree.

She's got petrol spilling all over her from the back seats with all the buckets of petrol behind her.

Yeah, at that moment, you know that you're not, you're having a flashback to your whole life and saying goodbye to your kids. That's what's going on.

The smell of gasoline makes me think I'm probably not going to survive this one.

Life is over. I'm going back into simulation world.

And indeed, the car hits like an electrical box and the whole thing absolutely explodes. They go and they, she steals another car, drives off. She's great at stealing cars. She must steal about six cars in this film.

Yeah, it's too much. Banking, several people, it's over. It's all over now.

One of them says, we found, sir, we found what we think is an alien thumb in the car. And he says, she must have severed her thumb when trying to escape from the car.

That's great. Everybody go home now. You're not needed anymore.

So they decide to go and celebrate. And Forest Witchcraft says, something doesn't feel right. My eye's twitching again. No, it's always twitching, Forest.

Your eye's always twitching. His psychic powers are so strong. He should know that straight away. She's not dead. She's over there.

Do you think the more closed his left eye gets, the closer they are to the alien?

In fact, when they turn up at the house and she's hiding in the bushes, he should know that. Yes, his eye probably does get a bit more squinty each time the alien gets closer.

Now, still again, being very clever, she saw a commercial earlier about dying hair. So she cuts her own hair and dyes it very dark brown, therefore getting a disguise on the go because they're looking for a blonde with long hair. She's now a brunette with short hair. Clever, clever girl.

She could have had sex with so many people at this point. She's gone to the supermarket and bought hair dye, came home, dyed her hair. She could have had sex so many times.

Your takeaway so far is she's not having sex with enough people in this film.

No, what I'm saying is that her main objective is to have sex and create a fucking alien race as a mother. An alien like the mother of an alien. And she could have done this objective, but she's dilly-dallying around. I'm going to dye my hair.

Get on with it.

Get on with it, woman or alien.

Well, while they're all in the club, Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen also feels like the mission isn't over yet. In fact, he grabs a woman who looks like Syl from behind, but it's not her. And him and Dr. Baker sort of flirt a little bit, and they go and have a little dance. And then they're really mean to Forest Whitaker because he doesn't drink.

Me and Sarah as non-drinkers, you as well as a non-drinker. I was watching this going, wow, this is like how I used to be when I'd go out as an 18 year old down the pub. You know, so there's sort of peer pressure.

Because Alfred Molina says to him, come on, have a drink with us. And he says, I don't drink. I never drink.

And he says, you will drink tonight. Hang on, explain to me why, because drinking is celebrating. Why? And it goes into the whole drinking thing.

And he says, try this. It's a Long Island ice tea. And he says, oh, OK, it doesn't taste like tea. And they all start laughing.

They all start laughing, like, oh, OK. But wait, just put acid in it. I know it's not the same, but I put acid in it. Oh, it's not acid. I don't feel like acid.

You know, fuck off. About four Long Island ice teas into it. He's like, I like these cups of tea. These cups of teas are great.

What happens when he's drunk and psychic? Does he start thinking about really drunk and psychic stuff?

Or maybe he can start moving stuff with his mind. Maybe that's why he doesn't drink.

No, what he does is when he's drunk, he looks over to Mark Madsen or looks at Alfred Molina and says, you've got pictures of children, haven't you?

What the fuck?

And I start saying all this shit and everyone's like, oh my God, and you, you ran a woman over once and killed her, didn't you?

You married a rollercoaster.

Do not give a psychic drink again.

Well, they get him drunk, poor old Forrest Whitaker. Michael Madsen is sort of basically too pissed off to even try and flirt with Dr. Baker, so she storms off to her hotel room.

And Forrest Whitaker gives it the psychickness. It's a psychic deadline.

She might have gone back to her bedroom, but she doesn't want the night to be over yet. She wants you to go see her again. In any case, I might just go see if you're right there, Forrest. In any case, that knocks on her door.

Are you saying when I was younger and I was trying my best at school and with ladies and losing, I actually needed a psychic sidekick?

You did psychic sidekick called Forrest Whitaker.

Psychic sidekick Whitaker. Fucking love it. What do you reckon? Yeah, she'd probably say, yeah, nice. Thanks, man. Come back getting kicked in the balls. I thought you said yes.

Now, Syl is in the hotel with her dark hair, so they don't recognize her. She borrows some of Dr. Baker's perfume in the toilet.

In the bathroom, yeah.

And she says, oh, that's a nice perfume. Can I try it? She puts it on. She gets.

This is OK. When she saw Michael. Sorry, it didn't show. When she saw Michael Madsen going to the lift, I thought, OK, she's praying on Michael Madsen. She wants to use him as her male sperm donor. Then she goes into the bathroom, puts the perfume on. She's got because he knows she knows Michael Madsen's into the CSI lady, Redhead Lady, and takes her perfume. So I'm still like under the impression she's trying to get Michael Madsen to actually want to come on to her. Again, get on with it.

But she is trying to get Michael Madsen. But sadly, Michael Madsen, within seconds is lying on the floor with Dr. Baker. So she hears outside the door, doesn't she? She's like, well, he's having sex now, so I better go and bang Alfred Molina instead. So Michael Madsen knocks on Dr. Baker's door. She looks through the keyhole and goes, yes.

Yeah, so they start doing their thing.

It's quite a good scene here. She hears the door and she says, did you, was there something you wanted to say? And he's like, I guess I didn't want the night to be over yet. And then they just start kissing, then they fall over drunkenly, then they shy.

There's a really intriguing music score going on here because they're intriguing. And then we get, because we're kind of jumping back to now. It's hilarious. Alfred Molina, he doesn't look like the guy who's going out scoring all the time, his character, and goes to the hotel and she's in there and she's basically...

Hang on, just before that, just to prove how nerdy he is, he's downstairs with Drunken Forest Witsker and he says, because those beautiful ladies over there, do you think they'd like to speak to a couple of fellas like us?

It's because Michael Madsen went off. It's because Michael Madsen was like, oh, I know that sex stuff, I could get horny too. And yeah, it's like only false nurses or something. He just sees a couple of ladies and goes to hi ladies.

Hello, my name is Professor Stephen Arden of Cambridge. I study insects and bugs.

Why are you giving them your life story?

And they're like, oh, these are our boyfriends.

And the boyfriends come over and he goes, oh, and then that's cut. It's like, oh, dude, but he's still horny. He's going to go home and have a little Tommy tank probably.

But he doesn't need to because he walks in his bedroom.

And it's amazing. And there is Natasha Henstrich. And she looks at him, she's like brilliant. So she just takes her clothes off and he's like, oh, my God, this thing doesn't normally happen to me. Then he starts taking his clothes off.

He's so honest with her. He's like, I've just got to let you know, this sort of thing doesn't normally happen to me.

I'm guessing he ejaculates in seconds.

He takes his socks off, bless him. And he's lying down on the bed. And, yeah, Forest Whitaker, meanwhile, is like...

He's drunk in the bar going, I feel something's wrong with my special psychic powers.

I feel like Alfred Molina is having sex with an alien right now.

You know this because earlier your psychic powers are incredible. So come on.

She... I put here, it's his lucky day or not, they kiss. She gets a good ride in on top of him and he's having a wonderful time. And what I love here is when he climaxes. He says to her...

I'm glad you're about to explain to us and the listeners in the world right now, Michael Madsen, when he climaxes.

No, no, this is Alfred Molina.

Oh, OK, sorry.

He says, I enjoyed that immensely. I enjoyed that immensely.

That's very Alan Partridge. And I've probably said the same to Sarah before.

She instantly feels her tummy and knows that she's pregnant and she says, I can feel it.

He's like, calm down, love.

And he's like, she's like, I can feel life inside me. And he says, oh, dear. And then he thinks, hang on a minute. Does that mean she's too late? Spikes come out of her back and she starts aliening out.

And she kills him.

She kills him.

At least he got laid before he died.

Meanwhile, Michael Manson's lying there naked.

He's probably still in there when she started saying, I can feel the baby.

Meanwhile, Michael Manson's lying there in the afterglow, naked with Dr. Baker.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Like Forest Whittaker's banging on his door, going, Preston, Preston.

He's not banging. No, he's not. He's quite quiet, actually. He's still tab-tabbing. So what do you want?

He opens the door, he goes, what's the matter, Preston? And he's like, someone's in the room with Alfred Molina. And he's like, yeah, good for him. And he's like, no, I think it's her. I think it's her. They're making a lot of noise in there.

Michael Manson is like, it's quite good because obviously he would have switched off about the hunt. He's done that. And he thinks he's done. He's just had sex. He should be in relaxed mode, but I love the fact he's such a hunter.

He should be on the cigarette now.

Flicks the switch back on and he goes, I believe you, get my gun. Let's fucking do it. And the hunter's back on.

Yeah. And he kicks the just before he kicks the bedroom door and he says to he says to Forest Whitaker, I hope you're right about this, because if I'm wrong, basically, I'm going to burst in on Alfred Minnino getting his end away.

And I love that he did that. And he's a doggy style.

Getting pegged by one of her tentacles. Anyway, he kicks the door in and they find their buddy, Alfred Minnino, split into on the bed, blood everywhere. And just as they kick the door in, Sil smashes through the wall and runs away. That's her name, Sil. Sil is dope, man. Fucking love Sil. But no, Sil, not Seel. Sil is her name. She smashes through the wall. She's in full on reptilian mode now. Spikes and all. Pointy, weird spike nipples and everything. And she legs it.

Go down to the carousel. They all get big guns.

Heavy weaponry with flamethrowers. Decent. So they go into some abandoned tunnels that just happen to be underneath the hotel.

Really, really good atmosphere here. And the music score and the lights in the tunnel, loads of silhouettes and stuff. I think it's red lighting. Really, really good.

Yeah. And this is why this film reminds me of like Mimic or Relic, where you kind of end up in tunnels at the end and in the sewers and stuff.

This is where Ben Kings, he's like, okay, where is he? Where is she? I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? And it's like, you can't just turn your psychic on. And like, it's that anyway.

Maybe it's because he's had five Long Island Ice Teeth.

So Forest Wicker is there and he says, I think she's gone that way. So Ben Kings, he says, well, I'm going this way. You're coming with me. Well, hang on. You're getting a psychic who thinks he's gone that way to go the wrong way with you. Well, what's that going to do? Why don't you all go the way the psychic thinks?

But then they spot some bubbles under the water in the sewer. This is very alien, isn't it?

Yeah.

And of course, she jumps at the water. She grabs Ben Kings.

Yes, because he's the dick, isn't he?

And the last thing she says to him is she rips his face off. He should have picked methane. No, she doesn't say that. Clean energy. Imagine if she said that. Is that the takeaway from this film? We should have picked clean energy over aliens.

I think so.

Well, they've all got flamethrowers now, like I said, so they blasted.

It's not a hard question, is it?

No. It's pretty easy. So there's only three of them left now. We've got a drunken psychic. We've got Michael Madsen, who's still got a semi-lobo.

A drunken psychic! He's starting to get a hangover and say, I want a cheeseburger.

We've got Michael Madsen, who's only just finished pining away on Dr. Baker. Can I get a cheeseburger? I think there's a kebab shop.

I think there's a kebab shop over there. Let's go.

How do you know that?

They've almost run out of kebabs. Come on.

They've sold their last cheeseburger.

They've only got some garlic sauce left.

Michael Madsen's like, do you know what? I could do with a cheeseburger. I just had sex. We got flamethrowers so we can toast it up nicely. Anyway, it's just through them left, like I said. So we've got Drunk and Psychic, Michael Madsen and Dr Baker. They're the only ones left.

What are you going to do with a Drunk and Psychic? What are you going to do with a Drunk and Psychic?

Give them another Long Island iced tea. She's above them and she jumps down from the pipes into the water and swims away really quickly.

And straight away, Ooh, jumps out my pipes.

she goes into some weird alien labor. Now, the voice of her is Frank Welker. Do you know Frank Welker?

No.

You do, because Frank Welker did every single cartoon character you can ever think of in the 80s. Famously, if you listen now, you'll know he did Slimer in the Ghostbusters cartoon. That's the noise. That's pretty good. Yeah, he does. He's done from He-Man, Transformers. He did Megatron's voice in Transformers.

Oh, yeah. I knew that, actually. Yeah.

So Frank Welker is very famous, and he did the voice for this, for Sill, when she's, when she's an alien, but...

Baby!

Not Seal, Sill. Ba-ba! She starts having a baby now. Her torso spits open, like, from boobs to navel. So she doesn't have it out of a baby majority, she has it out of her whole torso. And the baby comes out. Now, the team are still hunting. And while they're hunting underground, they also come across an underground oil well, which just so happens to be sitting under LA. Now, there are tar pits and stuff around there, so maybe that is something that they're missing.

Bria tar pits, I've been to them, actually.

There we go. Forest spots something up on the rocks.

Bria.

He says, he says, I think I can see something up there. I'm sensing something and it's a little little baby boy up there. So he tries to climb up. You're a psychic.

Don't climb up to the alien boy.

He's drunk though as well.

I'm a bit pissed. He might have a kebab. Have you got a kebab, kid?

He got me out because that's the... The little boy grabs a rat.

Is he turning to Bruce Willis in the 90s? At the beginning of every 90s Bruce Willis movies?

This little naked boy grabs a rat with his very long tongue, which is a sentence I don't say very often really. Forrest sees him and the boy attacks Forrest Whitaker, who falls and he's hanging off this sort of side of this ledge, about to fall into the oil. Baker actually, Dr Baker falls into the oil and she's stuck. She's like, help me, I'm stuck, I can't get out of here. The boy then starts mutating. So Forrest Whitaker fries this child, this alien child.

Baby!

And she fires out her tentacles at Michael Madsen. She grabs him, he cuts one of the tentacles off, He shoots her with the flamethrower. She falls in the fire, and she burns. Burn, burn, burn.

I'm burning!

To a ring of fire. But before she dies, she tries to pull Forrest in with her to the fire. But Michael Madsen grabs a shotgun and says, the immortal line, let go of him, motherfucker.

It could have been a better line, and it could have.

I always wanted something great, like, burn, baby, burn. Even fuck you would have been better, or you know, you want to make make with this or something, something bitch, please. But instead, he blows her head off, which is fine. And she falls in and dies. They don't really have any dialogue other than, I never thought I'd be happy to be back in the sewers when they get up a level to the sewers and they leave. And that's it, the credits roll.

Really? Yeah.

Waste of fucking time. I don't care about the mutant rat. And actually, this is the only thing I would change. I wouldn't have that bit in the end with the rat. I wouldn't bother with it. I'd have had more of a sort of back on the ground level, them sort of talking about how they've completed the mission, you know, that kind of thing. Maybe Michael Madsen's saying, maybe we should go get some more Lile and ice teas. And Forrest Whitaker's saying, I like those cups of teas.

Or cut to Forrest Whitaker as an alcoholic.

Yeah. Or he's in a fricc with the other two. Anything.

I do psychic stuff for money.

I tell you what color underwear you're wearing for $5.

We've been talking about this one for a long time. I like this movie. It's a fun film. If you've not seen it, I highly recommend it for a fun throw back to the 90s when it was just kind of colorful, loud and kind of fun and no one cared so much.

If you like Terminator, Alien or Basic Instinct, this kind of shoves those all into a blender really. It's got some slightly ropey CGI.

I think it's got some alright actual practical effects as well. It's got some good depth. It's got some booms.

It kills off most of the cast, which is great. You don't know who's going to die and who's not.

It's got a few twists here and there, a little bit obviously be sported at all, but it's an alright horror film. I'm going to give it a thumbs up.

I will definitely give it a severed alien thumb off. But I would say what elevates this is she's very clever, the alien in it.

No, she's not.

It's really good to tell. All right, but she does a good plan. She should have spent that time having sex.

She should have just gone and banged and done it in five minutes.

But the story ties everything together. The way that they're hot on the trail, they don't just accidentally come across clues. It's quite clever. They come across the clues because of things after things after things. So yeah, really good movie. A nice horny one to end our Halloween, not Halloween, our Valentine's special. Ripping of sex. Spiky alien boobs. So there we go. Don't bother with species three or four. Maybe check out two guys.

I might check out two.

Yeah, it's worth watching. She's in it at least. Let's get out of here. Let's all zip up and come back for the outro.

And we're back again.

And we're back for the climax for the Valentine's episode.

Drip.

Brilliant. That was episode 172, our Valentine's special for 2025, Species and The Loved Ones. Two very different films, one very fucking dark, and one very fucking fun. So great stuff all around, good episode, I enjoyed that. But let's move on, coming up. Episode 173, our next episode is a patron pig. Matthew Godley, he's on his third go around. He selected the 1986 cult classic Spookies.

Spookies? Yeah, and like I said, I don't know.

I don't know if you've seen it, do you? There we go. And my God, he's paired it up with Stanley Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange from 1971. So that will be a fairly meaty conversation, and Spookies will be a lot of fun. So that is what is our next episode. After that, we're doing an actor special. Bruce Campbell, we will be celebrating Bruce Campbell, The Chin, and we will be looking at Army Of Darkness from 1992, some of his finest comedic acting, and pairing it up with 2002's Bubba Hotepp.

Nice.

That's going to be a fun one. And after that, Gav, it's my birthday episode. Episode 175, we are going to be doing something old, something new, and something black and blue, because we are going to be doing something new in the form of a substance.

I know, that's so cool.

I'm very excited. It's my favorite horror film in the last 25 years.

Right, the conversation we're going to have, though.

It's going to be great. And I'm pairing that up with, the reason I said black and blue is because the old thing we're covering is 1973s, Enter The Dragon. It's my birthday episode and I'll pick what I want. That's what I want to do. Enter The Dragon and The Substance. So that is our next three episodes, guys. We got a Patreon pick, we got Bruce Campbell special and my birthday special after that. What a soundtrack.

Dan, I have that on vinyl.

I've got it on CD.

Lelo Schifrin.

I had it on cassette because I used to record it. In fact, I recorded the whole film onto audio cassette when I was younger, like we used to do with films, so I could listen to it.

I've got two Bruce Lee films on vinyl soundtrack, randomly.

What's the other one you've got? Game of Death, probably?

Yeah, I think it is Game of Death.

Game of Death's got a really good soundtrack as well. So that's what's coming up, guys. So stick with us. We've got lots of fun as the year plods along. Well, let's do some housekeeping and then we can say goodbye. They say that in Species, actually. She copies her. She goes housekeeping, doesn't she?

Yeah.

That's how she gets into the room, the bedroom. So yeah, we are the podcast on Haunted Hill. Thank you, everybody, for listening and supporting over all the years.

Thank you.

We have and always will be a proud member of Legion Podcasts Network.

Yeah.

And we're also under the Deadbolt Media umbrella. Yeah. If you want to know more about Legion, just goto legionpodcasts.com You can find out more about all the other shows on the network and all of our and all the other shows back episodes are all on there to listen to at your leisure. You can email us directly. The podcast on Haunted Hill at outlook.com is our email address for suggestions, questions and molestations. I don't know.

But good job.

Questions. We're on Facebook. Thanks. Good job.

Good job.

Gav's wearing sunglasses.

The whole time I've been sitting here looking like a fucking Elvis, my glasses have broke. The only thing I've got to wear is my sunglasses, which are big aviator shades.

He's wearing a dressing gown as well.

A dressing gown. Big aviator shades.

It's like I've done a podcast with Hugh Hefner. Anyway, we are on Facebook. If you go to Facebook and search for the podcast on Haunted Hill, we have a page on there you can join. It's a really good fun page. Been going for about 11 years now.

Old and Sexy, Hugh Hefner, that is not the page.

Well, both actually, us and the page and Bill Murray.

Long Balls.

That's how good I go, David Lynch.

Say Long Balls.

Jesus Christ. Legion Podcasts also have a Facebook page. Again, you can just search for Legion Podcasts and they have their own page. We're all members of that as well. Wherever you're listening to us now is where you can continue to listen to us. We're aware that our last episode is sort of stuttering. Only on some platforms.

Yeah, one platform I have. It seems to be on there. So if you can't find it regular programming, maybe check another app just in case you're missing an episode.

Well, we're definitely on Spotify, YouTube, Podknife, Podbean, Apple, Podcast Addict, all the usual bits and bobs. And our handle on Instagram is the podcast on Haunted Hill. Insta, where we promote each episode with a little collage and a link to the episode. And Deadbolt Media is our production company. Goto deadboltfilms.com You can find out more about all the movies we're working on. Have worked on shorts, features. Amanda will be out soon.

Yeah, Amanda's out soon. We are literally at the moment just finishing off another script, which we're getting in front of some people on a pitch deck for some possible funders, possibly to go. But we're also about to prep for another found footage film, which is an action film, which is a hoist film, horror hoist movie, which I've kind of said, but which is going to be fantastic. We can actually put a proper, not a proper, but a reasonable budget to it for a found footage film.

We go to Ben's house. Yep. Oh yeah, baby.

Oh yeah.

Let's go, Billy spooked. There ain't no man. Yeah, I love it. We cover Predator for our 50th episode.

Predator in 3D though. What the fuck?

Yeah, you'll feel like you're there, won't you? Yeah. So yeah, Deadbolt Media, underneath that umbrella, we've done feature films, we are still working on films, scripts, comics, and this podcast as well as Gav's other podcast, which is called...

High Strangers Podcast.

Yes, and a little spinoff of it called Extra Extra as well, which is still part of High Strangers. So plenty going on under Deadbolt. We have a YouTube channel. Just again, just search for Deadbolt Films. Again, it's deadboltfilms.com is the website, and we're on Instagram under Deadbolt Films, all one word. And finally, we are part of Patreon.

Absolutely appreciate it. I'll tell you what, if it wasn't for Patreons, the episodes might not be as frequent. And it's not saying we don't enjoy doing it. It's just time is very short. And sometimes I struggle myself currently with all deadbolt films, everything I'm doing, to find time to watch the movies and spend a whole evening talking to Dan. But I don't enjoy it. So, but with the Patreons, it does... I'm like, I've got to do it because of the Patreons. So it does more frequent episodes.

Since we've had Patreons, which has been about three years now, we've managed to pretty much stick to two episodes per month.

Yeah, we feel like we owe it.

Which is about four hours per episode, which means that is a good three evenings per episode. It takes for me anyway, because I watch one film, one night, one film, another night. Then I write the episode. So actually four, because then we record. So you're looking at eight episodes per month, eight evenings per month. But I'm happy to do it. I love doing it. It's my thing.

If we didn't have the Patreons, you lovely Patreons, if we didn't have you, I pretty much say the episodes wouldn't be as frequent. I'd be like, I can't do it. And you'd be like, all right, no worries, let's do it next month. So yeah, just to say thank you so much.

If you become a Patron for a little as a pound or a dollar a month, you'll start off with getting a free T-shirt sent out to you wherever you are, in one of three different colors. You'll also get to be a Patron who has a Patron pig, pig, pig, pig, and every three episodes, one of our Patrons programs are pigs, which means you will pick the two films that we review.

There's quite a few positives for coming to Patreon.

There is indeed. And the last positive is, I'm going to say your name now. So thank you ever so much to all of our patrons, starting with Dante, Don Collier, Matthew Godley, Jamie Jenkins, Kevin S. Fife, Sarah Kay, Rachel, RJ. McCready and Lex Boo.

Thank you so much.

We love you, you Valentine's patrons, you.

You're all dripping with sex.

Sexy alien nipples. And that concludes episode 172. Valentine's, sexy time, I need to mop up after that.

Oh, I know, I'm dripping.

Little Murray's got his residue everywhere. He says his ectoplasm, but I know it's not. But it's not. Egon, you mucus. So yeah, Gav, thanks very much.

Thank you.

It's a good night from Michael Madsen floating with me in a lift.

It's a good night from some alien boobs.

It's a good night from Daddy, give me a kiss. I'm your princess.

Oh, it's been a weird, sexy night, that's for sure. It's a good night from me.

And it's a good night from you.

Good night.

Good evening.