THE PODCAST ON HAUNTED HILL EPISODE 170 - ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE AND CHUCK STEEL - NIGHT OF THE TRAMPIRES

The Podcast on Haunted Hill will contain spoilers and swearing. I am the devil, and I am here to do the devil's work. I saw this when I come. And be one of us.

Hello, and welcome to the Podcast on Haunted Hill Episode 170. My name is Gav.

My name's Dan, and I am in my birthday suit.

Oh, and I can see that. It's strange, though, really, why you should be in the suit when I am also in my suit. It means we're both in our birthday suits.

Well, yeah, there's a reason for that, isn't there, Gav?

Well, it's my birthday. Does that mean, because it's my birthday, you can be in your birthday suit, because it's going to be like nude Sundays?

Yeah, baby.

Nude day. Sarah and I have nude day. We just spend the day nude around the house. We don't. We don't. It's a joke. Honestly, that one is a joke. I wouldn't say it's a joke, otherwise.

170. This is our episode for Gav's birthday.

It is. Happy birthday to me. I shall cry all over the place.

Another year older, another year wiser.

Definitely like an owl hoot.

And if it's your birthday, you cry your want to. And also, go shorty, it's your birthday. It is my birthday. Well, for anyone who doesn't know, if you're new to the podcast, welcome front. If this is your regular listener, welcome back. Welcome back. And if you're just popping an out, welcome sideways. But for anyone who doesn't know, and just to remind anyone who does, for the birthday episode, the birthday boy, the nude birthday boy, gets to pick the films.

Nude boy.

I'm oiled up nude boy.

Yeah, that's right. The weirdest superhero ever.

Yeah, that's right.

By night, no, by day, he is a music producer for hip hop, Sean Coombs. But at night, he becomes naked oiled up boy. Yeah, baby. No, no, no, shouldn't say that.

No, no, baby.

Especially with the baby in it.

No, no babies.

Yeah. Well, we won't get into what they do. But yes, Gav, you've selected two completely random films. As is often the case. You know, I can't talk.

As is my brain.

I've made us watch RoboCop, Labyrinth, if you name it, for birthday specials. You've made us watch Charles Bronson and other stuff. So rather than me tell our viewers, our listeners, what we're reviewing, why don't you tell us the two films you've selected for us?

It's one of those things. It's quite a prestigious moment when you realize that you have essentially a Patreon episode where you can choose your own episode. And I can see where, patrons, you love a lot. I could see where it comes from when you become a bit like, I don't know what to do. And you tell Danny a bit stuck of ideas. And it is a bit like that. I had different things. I want to get things which have good conversation possibly.

Yeah.

And it is On Her Majesty Secret Service. I'll tell you what, I'm an actor.

I'll do it.

I'll play James Bond. I've got my hair cut a little like Sean Connery.

Suit tailored.

What do you reckon? Yeah, you do.

Great.

Let's go. Don't know what I'm doing. George Lazenby.

Yeah, George Lazenby. Kiwi from New Zealand. Yeah, so Chuck Steel Night Of The Trampires from 2018. Yeah, it's kind of like if you wanted to know what Lethal Weapon or Cobra would be like, if they also took place in a John Carpenter-style zombie vampire invasion set in the 80s. But then you've got Hardman. But then Hardman Animations came in and said, I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll animate this for you. So you kind of got that Team America style thing going on with it as well.

It's a lot to go through. And this is going to be a long episode, guys. So buckle in. We're going to have a short intro, I think, for this one.

Yeah.

I've done the most notes I've ever done. I was scrolling through my notes in the Bond movie, and I was like, oh my god, my hand's just flicking the notes from page to page.

And to set you all up, you know, On Her Majesty's Secret Service does make a lot of Bond fans top three films. It's quite unique, isn't it? Yeah. It was the only one George Lazenby did, and we'll come and get into that when we talk about it. But it's also very unique for lots of ways Bond gets married in it. It's very dark at times.

The Craig David era.

Craig David?

Craig David.

On Mondays, Craig David.

Daniel Craig era.

Basically, I think all the movies, they looked specifically at it.

And also, was the blueprint for all the 200 more movies to come after it, and all the Austin Powers movies, and Angel The Dragon, and a bunch of other stuff as well.

The Sneaky Jakes are in there, aren't they?

Yeah, yeah. So a lot of fun to be had with it, but it's also cinematically fantastic, and definitely in my top three, you know. But again, we'll get into all of that. But first of all, Gav, happy birthday. You're getting a bit older.

Yep.

How are things? Have you got any more elements?

My balls have got down to... I'm tucking them into my socks now.

Good Lord.

It's got that bad. The balls have got that long.

Oh, JB Creed is ticking this off on his bingo card now, because usually you mention either your penis or somebody else's, or testicles, usually yours. So that's good that you've ticked that one off on the bingo card there.

I don't know. Nothing else really. I did get older, but it's a bit weird because I'm still hitting a gem in here. It doesn't seem to be a phase of one of my things I go through when I'm obsessed for a moment. I'm still out doing that, which is strange to be hitting it so later in life. But it's fine. But yeah, it's good to get strength a bit sore today for that. But apart from that, nothing's different. I'm more broke than probably last year, which is always great.

I think everybody is really apart from Donald Trump, but let's not get there.

But apart from that, everything's good. I had a really great weekend for my birthday. The kids were really good. They actually spent time with me. My elders actually spent time with me. Even the kitchen man. Do you want a hand with the roast dinner? It's like, yeah. All right, can you get this? And it was like, wow, they actually spent pretty much whole time with me. And this weekend I've just been with them. Didn't see one of them pretty much all weekend.

That's lovely.

Occasionally I'll say to her, can you stop smoking cigarettes? That's about it.

Really? Wow.

You know which one that was as well, don't you?

I do, I do. Talking of getting old, I had a wonderful moment about half past five this morning, only this morning with my boy. I'd slept in the children's room, as is often the case. I woke up at five, about 5.30, he begged, let's go downstairs, daddy. All right, come on then. So I said, I'm just going to do a quick wee. So I did a sit down wee, because it's early in the morning.

You don't have to give an excuse for a sit down wee.

No, no, 80% of my wee's are sit down wee's if I'm honest with you.

I'm generally in the house of women all the time, so it's just always been like, as I sat down, I didn't even know I'd done it.

Jack sort of put his hand on my knee when I was doing the wee and said to me, daddy, when you sit down, why do you go, oh, oh, like that? And I said, well, I'm getting older, Jack. And he said, what's older? Why is it getting older? What's mean?

And I said, well, my god, here we go, son, sit down.

And then he said, will your beard fall out? Will all your hair fall out? And I said, what might do one day? Yeah. And he went, yeah, people die. That was the start of my day. That was 5.30 in the morning.

So, you know, people die. Let's get going for the day. See what's going to happen.

Let's go and watch cartoons. Fuck it, now he's three. Little bastard. Gav, it's your birthday episode, so I'll let you start. What have you been watching? We haven't got a lot to discuss. I haven't. We need to jump into the reviews.

I haven't really seen that much. I started watching last night, Clash Of Titans. Charlie was really tired and was like, I'm going to go now after Medusa part. I went to bed and Elijah went, it's quite boring, isn't it? It is.

I think the worst thing about that film is Liam Neeson's accent.

Liam Neeson?

Yeah, Clash Of The Titans.

No, the original Clash Of The Titans.

Oh, thank God. I thought you were talking about the...

No, stop motion animation.

The original Ray Harryhousen.

Yeah, that's great. Elijah just at one point said it was a bit boring. I was like, okay, and towards the end, that falls just up to a crack in it. And then he went, I'm going now. It's because Charlie went, so all of a sudden he just went, oh, someone can go. I'm going to go in this. I only picked up on Blu-ray the other day. So it's really great to see it in such high quality.

Little segue there, because one of Chuck Steel's battle cries at one point when he's fighting some of the Trampires, he shouts out, Harryhousen!

I don't know if he picked up on that. There's too much in that. Yeah. Apart from that, nothing really. He started the second season of Squid Games. That's pretty enjoyable. Watch that with Elijah.

Well, there's one movie that you can also talk about with me, because it's been quite a few years since I saw it, and I sat down and watched Nothing But Trouble the other night.

Yes, and I only watched it for your two Halloween's. Yeah, yeah. It's a couple of months ago, yeah.

Yeah.

What did you think then? I'd only seen it the once when I was like, I hired it out from the video shop down the road, literally down the road in the same road, and I just wanted to back to my house to go, how is this? I remember watching it and being like, this is kind of weird. And I was like, I understand. I know the hip-hop crew and stuff because of that age. And I was just like, I know 2Chase, I don't know anymore.

Yeah, you've got Demi Moore, John Candy, Chevy Chase, Dan Aykroyd. Dan Aykroyd plays a couple of roles in it and directs it, which he really struggled with because he was in heavy makeup for both of the roles he played. He played the bait, one of the giant babies, and Penis Nose, a 100 year old judge, which guys, I'm not making this up. If you haven't seen it, it's worth a watch. And John Candy plays brother and sister in it. So he's got two roles in it. He's the dragon in it.

Tupac just is a little extra this year, so this is nothing.

He's just got to look around like, he was in that crew as well, though.

But he's totally amateur if you watch him. Oh, yeah, he's awful.

He's miming to a song while he sings and stuff. And it's a really crazy film. And it's such a horror movie though. It's such a true story. Oh, really? Yeah, Dan Aykroyd's dad broke down in the middle of nowhere once and got dragged to some federal office at midnight. And I had to go through a weird regime. And it was kind of like he started, Dan Aykroyd started thinking about what that would make a great film.

It's because of the direction. It's the going for this thing on script, on paper is quite a comedy, dark horror comedy. But when it comes out with Dan Aykroyd directing it, it's a bit like you say, what should I be doing? Should I be laughing? Should I not be?

The biggest thing about it is it's the first film that Chevy Chase sadly became known as a bit of a dickhead. Apparently, he was an asshole to everybody on set. John Candy said, I'll never work with him again. Dan Accord didn't really bother with him speaking to him much after that. And Demi Moore apparently locks herself in a trailer in between takes because she didn't want to speak to him. And yeah, not great. But I really enjoyed it because I rented it much like you.

Indeed.

And I know you're a big fan of it.

But I would say I recommend it if you could very quickly, just to finish on that and we'll get going. I get to this point now where I'm hunting and praying that I'm going to find a movie that I've never seen before. Amazon Prime does it great. They always bring movies like, what the hell is this? But I keep finding them here and there, like a movie from the 80s and 90s, and it's like an action or something.

No one really ever talks about it either. But there's two movies I wanted to cover really quickly. One of them is The Pope's Exorcist. Have you got a range of seeing this yet? I still haven't seen it. Yeah, it's just hit Netflix here like a week or so ago.

I might hit up this weekend. I'm off to see Sarah.

All I'm going to say about it is Russell Crowe is fucking awesome in it. He speaks Italian in it. He's got an Italian accent in it and he's having a lot of fun.

Pizza.

Much like Chuck Steel. If you ever wanted to see.

Is it like that?

No, he's much better than that. But thinking of Chuck Steel, take Lethal Weapon, but make Murtaugh an exorcist. Give him a new partner who doesn't really approve of what's going on, that kind of thing. It's like an 80s because I think it's set in the 80s. I don't remember when it's set in the 80s, but basically it's like a buddy cop, but buddy exorcist.

Oh, that sounds even better.

So Russell Crowe is this grizzled old, every time he goes to the Vatican, they're like, look, every time you do an exorcism, it's all over the press, people die. You've got to keep it under control. This is your last exorcism. And he's like, I don't give a fuck. You know, I work for the guard. If God wants me to do it, he's my boss, not you. And he sort of throws his crucifix down. All right, all right, you got one more mission. And then they pair him up with his younger exorcist.

That sounds brilliant.

Yeah, I don't want to oversell it, but...

No, I was going to watch anything. I like Russell Crowe. I was going to watch anyway.

The weird thing is, he did two exorcist films. He did another one called The Exorcism.

That was done before Pope's Exorcist, right? Apparently very, very bad. I've heard it's terrible, yeah. And it was made very, very cheaply. And they just cashed in on it. I don't think it was actually called anything to do with the exorcist. And they changed the name once this had come out. So you could probably avoid it. I'm good.

But the Pope's Exorcist, great stuff. And then the last one I wanted to mention before we dive into, I was going to say Gav Steel, but you're Chuck Steel, is Blink Twice.

Oh, yeah.

Or AKA Diddy Island.

Yeah.

Yeah, I am surprised that it's been allowed to be.

Well, it's funny when it came out, the timing was good.

Yeah. Well, it's directed by Zoe Kravitz, who's Lenny Kravitz daughter. And obviously she's been at these Diddy parties.

Yeah, she's seen stuff.

Yeah. And it's challenging, it's incredible in it. It's very much like a bit of a get out vibe.

It is horrible that bit when they realize, without spoiling it, and all of a sudden the flashbacks are off and they realize, like, fuck.

Yeah. And then you're waiting for the other people to realize as well.

And they do at times, don't they?

But really good performances in it.

And that's a very assured direction for the first time director.

Haley Joel Osment is a little chubby bearded guy getting stoned, which is weird.

He sees stoned people.

Incredible. He does. It's incredible cinematography. Some people don't like the ending. I kind of like the ending, really. Very sort of feminist film. And just overall, just really, really enjoyed Blink Twice, one of the best films I've seen in the last couple of months.

What about Blink 182?

I enjoyed that one, but it's all the small things. That's a little joke there.

Yeah.

All the small things. Oh, God. Come on. Come on.

Look.

Gav, I know you want to get a mate off your chest, so let's get the ball rolling before we go into our trailer. What?

You want me to moan about stuff?

You've got a Sean Connery joke.

What does Sean Connery eat? Now, I've done this joke before, if you're a long time listener.

Just so you're aware, guys, Gav, even though it's George Lazenby that we're reviewing today, he's got some Sean Connery jokes going on. What does he eat?

Goulash.

Lovely. Goulash. I've got one and then we'll go into a trailer for Night Of The Trampires. Sean Connery was trying to do some DIY at home and he was seen with a big bump on his head. He said, what's happened? He said, well, all these books fell on my head. And they said, what do you mean all the books fell on your head? Didn't you put the shelves up right? And he said, I've only got my shelf to blame.

Oh, yes, that's a good one. I've only got my shelf to blame.

There we go. Poor old Sean. Bless him. Not really, apparently horrible woman hating. Used to slap women around. So there we go. Yeah, that's a lovely little note for us to leave on.

Yay!

Do you want to be shaken and not, no, let's not joke about it. Gav, should we go into a trailer for Chuck Steel Night Of The Trampires?

Yeah, I was about to do On Her Majesty's Secret Service, Chuck Steel Night Of The Trampires. Let's go.

Works. It works.

Officer Chuck Steel is the best goddamn cop on the force. Get out of my face. Yeah! Do you have any idea how much damage you caused? He's respectful to his superiors. Face off, balls. Yeah! Jesus! He has a way with the public. Hi, I'm Chuck Steel. And he works alone. I work alone. But when an ancient curse descends on the City Of Angels, this maverick, renegade, loose cannon, lone wolf, on the edge, finds himself in a world of pain. Give me a fucking break!

Chuck Steel, Night Of The Trampires, from 2018, rated 15, a nice, tidy hour and 30 minutes. We like it nice and tidy. It's not 1985 anymore, it's 1986, and Chuck Steel is the best goddamn cop on the force, according to his long-suffering boss Captain Jack Shit.

That's probably the longest synopsis we've read out.

I told you it's going to be a long episode, guys. I told you it's going to be a long episode.

Yeah.

To the point.

Directed and written by Mike Moore, that one.

If you were like, what the fuck? I completely literally just start thinking about my groceries or shopping or something. Basically, there's this kind of lethal weapon type, a sort of inspired cop with like a kind of Peter Vincent from Fright Night character. They just go after these tramps who are vampires who have over time, actually dragged in all the vampires over time, slowly out of resources have just had to drink booze, have turned into these booze trampires things.

So, a couple of things there, yeah, so the word tramp, and they do explain this in the film, obviously the word tramp in the UK, in England means like a homeless person or a hobo, but it could also be like a drunken person. A lot of, sadly, a lot of homeless people aren't drunk. Whereas in America, tramp is quite often like a derogatory term for a woman who might be a little bit easier or slutty, trying to keep it PC.

I don't know. I watched it and I was like, oh man, that's like the horror movie, the best horror movie that I never saw. And it was just so well done, though. It's just so good. And it was just like, just the gag, like when he's chatting up the receptionist, she's basically blowing him off the whole time and he's not getting it. But he is really getting it. He's just not letting her know this because he just says one word to her.

You know, it kind of has that Jack Burton sort of sense of humor with it.

It's got, it's me and you basically. It's all of our love from the movies we watched in the eighties and they've gone, I don't know, let's make a claymation movie. Like how long does that take? Must have taken so long to make, but like.

And also they remind, it reminds me a bit of the other guys, you know, The Rock and Mark Wahlberg, I think it's them that die at the beginning of that movie. No, it's The Rock and Samuel L. Jackson. It's kind of like them, you know, they're the badasses. They know they're the badasses and they play on it. And he is the badass and can get away with anything, much like Mel Gibson did in all the Lethal Weapon movies.

It's a commentary and satire on basically all the cliches of eighties movies, which we loved. It's like it's what Expendables is doing, but they're doing it again as an action movie. This is it, but this is all like the fun shit from the eighties, which is just ridiculous.

What I should also mention is if you want to watch this, you can actually see this on Free V, which is a channel on Prime for free. There's a couple of adverts in there, but if you want to just not pay for this.

At the moment in the UK as well.

Yeah, well, it's on Free V as well, which is how I saw it, which is on Prime. You've got to rent it, but on Free V you can just stream it for free. No, Prime is free. Yeah, through Free V.

Oh, was it?

There's a couple of adverts in there. Yeah, there's a couple of adverts in there.

Oh, I didn't realise.

It's on Prime too as well.

No, I thought it was just Prime. Yeah, sorry. Okay. You are correct.

It's all good though. Yeah, so if anybody wants to watch this, that's how you can check it out. It's not really talked about, but Gav said it was at Fright Fest when this would have come out in 2018.

It's going to be a real cult. It's unfortunate really because the Wallace and Gromit stuff, because the art of doing claymation and how long it takes to do is just crazy, crazy, crazy, the determination. Then just to keep doing it, I'm sure you're not wealthy when you make claymation movies because you can spend so many hours doing it and the dedication. In this, same as the Wallace and Gromit ones, it just looks so fantastic.

The only way you would is if someone like Tim Burton or something was doing it because he's obviously covered some of his animated films, you know.

And you had, say, Brad Pitt doing The Voice Of Chuck Steel or something like that. Do you know what I mean? If you had big, big names, you could. Yeah, or like a big director. So, yeah, I think.

Yeah, but I think that's probably...

It's a fucking fantastic film. It is directed very, very well. It's everything in it is fantastic.

And with Claymation, you can do very quick and snappy action and almost cartoonish comedy, you know, so you can get away with doing things a lot more than you would in live action. And it just lends a little bit of character to it, because if this was animated, just cartoon, it wouldn't be the same. But because this is Claymation, it really adds to that. For anybody who used to watch the MTV celebrity death matches back in the day, it's kind of got that vibe to it as well, you know? It's fun.

And the beauty of it is, some of the stunts and stuff in this, nowadays, if you're doing a proper movie, yes, it would be CGI and that. But back in the day, you did see a lot of crazy stunts, which actually happened and people stunt, people got killed, you know, especially like Australians, Osportation type stuff.

There's also a heavy dose of Peter Jackson spooned into this as well, I think with some of the splatter, but also there's a huge homage towards the end with one of the creatures as well for anybody who's seen Brain Dead.

It's funny, I didn't think a bit of Jackson, which is so funny because I just had every 80s action film in my head sort of thing going on.

Yeah, it's fun. It's a fun one and I'm more than happy to discuss it with you. I think but I think that for everybody, you know, I asked you a question, which is why you chose this and you've given a very good answer there, which is basically you really enjoy it. But also it's a good opportunity for you to tell other people about it because I think you wanted me to watch it, you know, and this is the way I got you to watch it. Yeah.

And maybe you and I talk about my I'm hoping you like it. But I mean, you talk about my influence somewhere else to watch it. Let's get into it straight away, though. I like is the school is epic and it's a full orchestra school going on. You're like, wow, that's always nice when you have that.

My first words here are epic superhero style school. Yeah, it's got like this epic school to it all the way through it. Yeah, it's really good. And when we get to the credits at the moment, because this movie's soundtrack is hair metal, real 80s hair metal, and it's just so well.

You've got like, I'm the king of the world.

This is great.

We just go on.

Go for it. I was going to say, but we don't start there. We start with a couple, a drunk couple.

It's like the beginning of Batman Origins, isn't it?

It is. Poor Batman with his mummy and daddy. But anyway, there's no little boy in this. There's a couple, a drunk couple, man and lady, who venture out of a bar, and they're stumbling down a dark alley. They get a bit lost. Where are we? Don't know what's going on. All of a sudden, a very large, what we assume is probably a monster attacks them. And Harold, the bloke, the man, gets bitten. The girl runs off. She's hit by a cop car as she's running away from the murder.

And we are going through this kind of quick. So much happens in this film. It was very hard to make notes. It's the first movie for a long time. We've had to stop and go, stop, pause, write some notes down, carry on playing because it's like, man, this needs almost a second viewing.

But every frame, there's stuff happening in every frame of this.

Yeah.

It's crazy.

So everything happened then is great and it takes a little while, but we are going to shoot for a little bit.

And then we get our epic 80s style credits.

Well, I like the fact that she's about to hit the cop car, then it just cuts to Chuck Steel credits.

Yeah. Night Of The Trampires.

This real 80s guitar song, so in the scene.

And you've got all this kind of artwork, almost like this was a show and these are the credits for a show that you watch every week. They've done it like that, haven't they?

Yeah. And then after the credits, it's just the first scene is basically helicopters, ninjas, explosions, kung fu, machine guns.

A motorbike with a laser on it.

Laser shooting motorbike. It's just, I was just like, I can't write notes quick enough.

Yeah. So this is kind of our introduction to Chuck, who is on a badass black motorbike that talks and has a laser on it.

He's a big, chiseled, muscled, blonde, wavy-haired action figure.

He's basically the DNA of Dolph Lundgren, Sylvester Stallone and Mel Gibson in the 80s in their prime, mushed into one, isn't he?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, with a little Arnie. Yeah.

Oh, of course, a little Arnie in there as well. And he is, yeah, this is the...

I was about to say, all want a little Arnie in there, but I don't know if that's the right thing to say.

There's a Japanese sort of ninja boss, and he's got a girl hostage, and obviously he's got like 25 ninjas around him.

Loads of ninjas.

And Chuck drives, a helicopter arrives, and it's Chuck Steel, but he doesn't just jump out of the helicopter, does he? No, he rides his motorcycle out of the helicopter with a laser on the front of it shooting these ninjas.

It's kind of like the ridiculousness of Machete, where we saw him going up in the motorbike and stuff.

He kills some ninjas, he jumps off the bike, he starts kung-fu in some of the ninjas. Then, just to make it even better, his bike says, activating kill mold, and his bike can talk, and his bike is blasted. Yeah, it can spin on the spot like Batman's Batmobile, and his bike is like Streethawk or Night Rider. It's like, this guy's got it all, man. Kung-fu, guns, lasers, so good, so good.

And we wake up and we just wake up and it's like, oh, it's like, is this a dream or is this a flashback? Works well with I know. And it's very Riggs waking up in his trailer on the beach, isn't it?

He's like, no, Mary, whatever her name is, Lucy, her name is, that was it. Yeah. And it's very Cobra. He's got a poster of himself on the wall in the Cobra position.

He's got his own gym and he's just working out. Pumping iron.

Yeah, pumping iron.

Do it now.

And then he's got, just to make him even cooler, he's got like a Batcave style button that he presses and there's TV and all these cabinets. It all flips around and he's got all these bazookas and knives and grenades.

Exactly what you'd imagine you'd have in the 80s movie, like to someone just like someone like they just got this arsenal of weapons just flipping the button.

Although really like Cobra, all he had was a pair. He didn't even have a fucking knife in his house. He had a pair of scissors for his pizza. So not every 80s action icon had this, but...

No, and while this is going on on TV in the background, he's got Teddy around the side, it's just like the commissioner.

Is it the commissioner?

Talking away?

The governor.

Governor's talking away and stuff. And he just shoots the TV and says, fucking clowns, all of them.

Yeah, because behind the governor, there are loads of clowns. And basically, you've got this new governor who's cleaning up the town by reducing the opening hours of the bars. And he is heavily involved with this circus that he's going to be setting up a midnight circus to sort of promote, because he's just been elected to governor and stuff. So, you know, that's kind of we'll come back to that subplot is very integral to the end of this film.

I missed it. I missed that.

He throws it in there with them all. And then he gets his asshole landlord banging on the door.

Another classic landlord's there and rent is due. But that's that. I mean, we'll come back to that story.

I'll get your goddamn rent. I'll get your goddamn rent for you. And he's like, can I hear a gunshot? Are you shooting televisions again, Chuck? And he's like, get out of my goddamn business. So funny. And then he goes to work and he's been given a rookie cop partner. Again, another cliche, which we absolutely love.

It's such a cliche.

One of many partners he's going to get throughout this film, actually. He's even going to get a monkey at some point.

Yeah, well, he's given his new rookie. But he's basically, his boss is Murtaugh from Lethal Weapon. Absolutely no doubt whatsoever.

But he's called Jack Shit.

Yeah, I don't know why, but he's Jack Shit. And for some reason, he's really slow at changing transvestite, really, or transgender, isn't he? He slowly changes.

He starts off in the first scene, he's got high heels on. And throughout every scene you see him in, he's got more and more and more women's clothing. Which again, probably isn't as PC as people would like, but there is a reason for it.

No, he's taking his time to change, that's right.

He says things like, one more thing, damn it.

And he's like, why is it?

And he says, oh god.

Chuck Steel's got his finger thing where he just says every time, balls off face! And every time after he finishes talking, and he says, oh, my wife keeps saying, wondering why we've got blue balls in her face. And Chuck Steel's punching him in the face. Don't know why, just, I don't know why his boss lets him do it, but it happens every time. And it's just like an ongoing gag, really. Yeah, but we cut to breaking in a new rookie, which is always one which we have to have, don't we?

So he's basically told, if you don't have a partner, then you're not going to be a cop anymore. So this new rookie, I've heard all about you.

Do you like the rookie with Clint Eastwood and Charlie Sheen? Charlie Sheen's the rookie. Clint Eastwood's breaking the rule.

I haven't seen that for a long time.

Clint Eastwood gets raped.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

Clint Eastwood.

Yeah, he sat on a chair and is a Brazilian type lady, as far as I remember, when I was like 15. Watch this game. What's happening?

Oh, bloody hell. Well, his advice, because the rookie says, what's your advice? His advice is work hard, eat your greens and never stick your dick in a mango.

He's basically...

We set the scene up, though. They're going in this tunnel and there's basically a car chase. He's chasing these bad guys who are in this other car. They're like bank robbers. They got like masks on their head or that shit. And they're going along trying to get away. Chuck Steel is there, but he's the whole time, he's doing all of this, the whole chase, even getting out of the car to get on top of the car. He's telling the... He's telling the rookie all the stuff.

He even says, he even says to something else I should tell you is you better get your affairs in order. Maybe make sure you've got a will written because my partners don't tend to last too long. If you know what I'm saying. So this kid's thinking, what am I doing with this guy? I know what I like you said all the way through this. They're riding through a tunnel, jumping on and off of cars, shoot machine guns back in the car, driving for a little bit. Tankers are blowing up.

Yeah, so this is going on the whole time. He's just telling him like, I work by myself and I have a partner. It's so funny.

And then it ends with the tanker full of petrol, doesn't it?

Yeah, the tanker goes sideways and the bad guys just drive into it and it explodes. And Chuck Steel is just, yeah, it's what happens, he jumps up. He's in the car, isn't he?

Chuck Steel shoots a car, a van in front of a truck in front of him that's towing a Lamborghini. He shoots it, so the Lamborghini comes out the back of the trailer and then he uses the Lamborghini to drive his car up it like a ramp, slides over the exploding tanker full of fuel. Basically, he takes out the bad guys. And of course, when he gets back to the office, Captain Shit gives him an absolute roasting.

And he says, damn it, Steel!

Yeah, and he says, and what happened to you used to be called? There's a cuts to a picture of him with an Afro, which is so naked gun. It's basically just him with a photo cut into one main photo, then like five photos going around it just to show the size of the Afro. And each photo would be another bit of the Afro. But in all, it's a picture of him. If you step back, and it's so lethal weapon. Not lethal weapon, naked gun.

He says to him at this point, you've got a new assignment and a new partner. And here she is. And her name is Helga, I believe. Big Swedish partner.

And she sounds like Arnie.

Yeah, she's like, his therapist, played by Jennifer Saunders, Dr. Alex.

We find out his partner shot himself afterwards.

That's right. Killed himself. His therapist, again, lethal weapon, says to him.

Oh, God, yeah, he's not a therapist.

Chuck, you haven't been in for a while. And he's like, I don't need to talk to you. She's like, everybody in the force sees me. And this is an important point. They're all coming to see me. And he's like, yeah, well, I don't need to speak to anybody about my feelings. My wife's dead, and that's it. End of story, let me do my job. And she's like, my door's always open. And that's Jennifer Saunders playing his therapist. He calls her.

Go on.

Go on, then.

No, carry on what he's doing. Then I'll go back a bit. Carry on what he's saying. He calls her what?

Oh, I was just gonna say, he ignores her, and he's now saddled up with his Swedish partner.

And going back to the Swedish partner, he has a choice. It's great, though, because he ends up having to go with all these choices because he goes through his partner so easily. He has a choice of a Swedish broad, a monkey or a plant, an actual plant as a partner. And he goes, oh, the Swedish broad. And then this lady comes in and he's like, oh, brilliant. She says, oh, no, this is my receptionist. Here's your person. And that's when the arnie like comes in.

She's absolutely massive.

And at this point, the boss is wearing red woman's shoes and that's all at the moment. Because he gets punched in the groin and flies backwards.

And then he says, Chuck, before you leave. What does my ass look big in these jeans? And this is where he's really starting to start cross dressing now. Same speech is given to this new partner.

Huge, huge person like in Swedish, Lindenhose or what they're called. Lindenhose, yeah. And just looks perfectly like, just would be just literally pulled out of Sweden or some like, I don't know, something.

Well, they go to the hospital now at this point.

This is where he chats to the receptionist.

They've gone to speak to a survivor from the attack, because while all this was going on, they did find the alleyway where Harold, right at the beginning scene, was killed. And the woman that he was with is in hospital. She's been bitten, but she's in hospital alive. So they go to the hospital. This is exactly the joke that you said earlier, Ray. It calls the nurse a lesbian.

He does.

A lot of the time she says, I'm busy. He says, Tuesday, as I'm cutting my hair. Wednesday, and she goes, I think you're trying to tell me something. All of a sudden there's a scream. He just looks to her and says, call for backup lesbian.

I know, it's just so funny.

I found it quite funny. But he runs into the room to go, what's going on? And he finds basically Peter Vincent from Fright Night on top of a full body casted person with just a face showing, with his hand up about to stab them in the groin, it looks like.

Yeah, which we will find out. And so they take him off to interrogate him. And his name is Abraham Van Rental, which is just again, so funny, really shouldn't be. But it really is. And he says he tells him all about it.

He's arrested. He arrests him. Still arrested interrogating.

He says she's a tramp and he's like, what the hell's a tramp? And he gives this whole backstory now where we find out that Dracula black and white flashbacks to a proper Dracula in a castle, which is quite nice, actually. And they're a sub breed of vampires. And basically, they are addicted to people who are pissed or drunk all the time. So they can smell the blood, the alcohol in your blood. And they're only sort of, you know, homeless tramps, but they're vampires as well.

One reason, one note that Dracula gets from one of the localers, he looks down at a note and it just says, fuck off, weirdo.

That's so good.

And Chuck obviously says, are you seriously expecting me to believe this story about vampires that are trampires and bite people that are drunk?

They're only attracted to victims ripped to the tits.

Yeah. And they lock him up. They lock him in a cell.

We've got to say his accent is very, very English. It's very eccentric kind of thing going on.

Yeah. He is like Peter Vincent.

And so Peter Vincent.

He then goes to see his boss to speak to him about this. And his captain finds out he's not been seen as therapist. So he's absolutely furious, makes him go and speak to her. And the first part of his therapy with her is him just screaming for about a good solid minute.

She goes to say something, can you get that? And that just continues because he does not want to have therapy. He's like Mel Gibson's character in Lethal Weapon.

She says, look, what I'm trying to do, like I'm doing for everybody, because everybody, I'm giving everybody therapy in this police force, I'm trying to stop you from self-destructing, okay? So tell me about your wife. And he just sort of storms out angrily. You know, all we know is his wife is dead. He doesn't want to talk about it.

Eagle walks just into a window, just walks into a window and smashes it.

Oh yeah, that's right.

Hits his balls, hits his balls, hits his boss in the balls, sends him flying.

As he often is the case. And then it's night time and we get him now staring at a photo of his wife.

Montage. We get a montage.

Montage time. And while he's staring at the photo of his wife, just like Riggs would do, we see other Trampire attacks happening outside.

We see actual action happening outside.

Yeah. And on the TV, we see the Governor, Governor Atkins, with clowns, you know, again, talking.

And all of a sudden there's his motorbike. He's like, Oh, that's my motorbike. There's smoke around it. It's light. And just all of a sudden, this sexy lady comes out with not much clothes on and starts sort of mounting the motorbike, looking at him. Then it changes.

It's therapist, isn't it?

Oh, is it? And then it changes to this eagle going, Oh, that's so good.

What I love about this montage as well, it's just before he has this sexy dream, is he's even doing, while he's doing his weights, then it cuts to him with a wooden man, which you would see in a lot of kung fu movies. And he's doing all the sort of kung fu on it as well.

Do you think this is what Craven and Devil Worshpand Doggers would have been?

Yeah.

This is that movie, isn't it?

This is that movie.

That's probably why I like it, because in my head, this is Craven.

And while all this is going on, he has this sexy dream, we can see that the numbers are growing. The horde of Trampires is growing throughout the city. They're taking out more and more people. They're just gaining in numbers. Yeah. Then we got a sexy motorbike dream, like you said. And then while he's having a sexy dream about his therapist, who then turns into Eagle, Van Rental manages to escape from the police cell, doesn't he?

Yep.

And the captain is almost fully cross-dressed at this point. He's wearing a dress at this point as well. Van Rental goes back to the hospital because he needs to kill that woman that was a survivor. He sneaks in, I know it's ridiculous. He sneaks in into the room and just as he's about to kill her, she says, but I can have power over you. And he's like, oh, don't be silly. I'm British. You can't hypnotize me with your trampire ways. But of course, she does hypnotize him with her trampire ways.

No, no, no. So what happened, Drew? Before this happens, like, Eagle's there and she comes in and she saves the day, basically. She, well, she doesn't, she tries to save the day. She runs along to try to get a bat, and kind of just accidentally just basically runs and straight out the window. But as she does it in slow motion, she looks still and I don't know where her love come from, but she goes, I love you.

All women love him, Joe. All women love him.

I guess. And cut to Chuck Steel and he's like, ehh.

In slow motion. It's so funny.

And yeah. And so basically, I want to say Peter Vincent, Van Rental.

Van Rental.

Van Rental. He basically was into a thing, flipped up, landed in the cast of the person in a 69th position with his head stuck in the cast, where the legs are of the groin, he can't get out. So he's basically moving his head up and down, frosted up and down, and it looks like it's a 69er going on, basically, with some face fucking to the point there. And the cop's running, and Steel's trousers fall down just at that moment.

And an amazing line from Chuck Steel, as the bat flies at him for the final time, he kills it with a pencil and he says, eat lead. Eat lead, that's incredible. And it dies and obviously explodes, yeah. So try and explain your way out of this one. Captain, who's now wearing a woman's wig, chews them out, as he does, and Van Renssel says, well, you know, Chuck's been bitten and he will turn into a trampire by midnight if we don't do something about it. And he says, I don't, go on.

No, no, no, carry on.

This is your birthday episode, please.

No, I was going to get into the whole new partner thing, but that's in the moment. Carry on.

So just to take us to the next scene, because he's in so much trouble for this 69 blood all over the hospital room sort of thing, and he's hanging out with Van Renssel.

And he's lost a partner again.

He's lost another partner too already. Jack Shit says to him, I'm busting you down to security. You're going to work security at this midnight circus that's happening in town tonight for the governor. And he's like, god damn it. He says, pick another partner. And this is where his new partner comes to go.

The choices are a plant, literally a plant, which you water in a pot, a plant, which you're going to have to pick up and take with you. And I don't know what actual use of plants could be, or which could be useful, a chimpanzee called Giggles. And you go, OK, Giggles, you're up.

Yep.

So I actually think, though, Steel and the monkey were a great partner. And he actually does at one point go, he's a great partner, just as, unfortunately, spoilers. Giggles gets it. But I think Steel and Giggles have been a great double out.

And that's kind of an homage in itself, isn't it, to Clint Eastwood, you know, having clied the monkey. So they go to a bar.

The plan is to get drunk. If they get drunk, the Trampires will come to them.

So they do, they go. They get very, very, very drunk in a bar.

While they're doing that, and they're both getting shitfaced, talking nonsense at the bar, both of them. It's quite a funny pairing. His landlord is broken into Steel's place, and he finds something in a mirror which he breaks. What is that that you find? Do we find out what that is?

Yeah, it's the goodbye letter from his wife, who isn't dead.

Right. And then he turns around and there's a tram part, gets the landlord.

Yes, so the landlord is snowing.

So now we know the landlord is happening. While Steel's out with old Van Rental, they're getting, what did he say earlier?

Ripped to the tits. Ripped to the tits!

While they're drinking, as is often the case in these films, they get to know each other and get to appreciate each other a bit more, their backstories, why they do what they do. And then when they're really, really, really, really, really drunk, they say, oh yeah, then the monkey shits. I never thought I'd have to write this down. A monkey shits on the pool table. While they're drunk in the bath, the monkeys get drunk with them. And then the monkey just shits on the pool table.

And then the montage of them driving the car really crazy, because they're really fucking drunk. They roll the car, it explodes, they get out of it, and still actually looks a bit frightened, because he's so pissed, going, Ah, running from the explosion. It's just Chuck Steel, Van Rental and a chimpanzee, all pissed out of their face, running from his exploding car.

So what is going on?

And they're basically tramp hunting. They're going around, trying to attract trampires to come in and suck on them.

And they go to, later on, I do like the pimp, not the pimp, the gimp policeman.

Yeah, I don't know where there's a gimp policeman.

We'll get to that. But they find a lady of the night. Lady of the night.

And she's like, 50 books and the monkey can watch.

But that's not what he wants.

She's like, you guys into some kinky shit.

Luckily Elijah has no idea what any of this means. And yeah, and they basically get, they dress Steel up as a lady.

They do. They buy her clothes off of her and dress them up as a lady.

Dolph Lundgren could have done this movie. I feel like this is Dolph Lundgren's dream role.

And they also, it's revealed Van Rentals says another good way to get rid of them is holy coffee. So instead of holy water, because they're drunk, these trampires, you throw holy coffee at them.

And I love the fact how fast a tramp is attracted to Chuck Steel in a dress. Even Van Rentals was like, I didn't even think it would happen that quickly. Literally one second later.

He says, why do I have to wear the dress? And he's like, well, you've got better legs. And then he says, how long do you think this will take? And as he's finishing that sentence, a trampire just goes rawr straight away.

I didn't think it would be that quick.

But the trampire steals a truck to drive away from them.

Still has like silhouettes which go really high up to his leg kneecaps, but actually as he's running, he's going, oh my god, he's pulled trying to run onto the, jump into the truck, jumps into the truck. And he said, give me my clothes so I can change.

And I jumped him back there.

So they're now on the back of this trampire's because the trampire doesn't know they've jumped on the back of the truck. So you've got Giggles, The Monkey, Van Rental and Chuck Steel on the back of this truck.

It would fit on Lady's Clove and the fake boobs and everything.

And the truck pulls into the vampire's lair, which is an old junkyard.

Yeah.

And they've snuck in and there's hundreds of them, hundreds of them in there. And while they're hiding and sort of spying on what they're doing, they see the therapist, Dr. Alex, arrive and he's like, Oh, my God, that's my therapist. And they realize she is the master. That's really cool. She gives a really good speech to them all saying, you know, my plan to sabotage the LAPD through therapy is working.

It's quite octopusy having a circus ender.

It is a bit octopusy, another little Bond reference there. So it all happens at midnight at a circus, trampires, Chuck Steel's in women's clothes. He's got a monkey partner and van rental with him and they are ready.

But they're basically the van stuck. So they're just looking through the wooden grates. Nobody knows that they're in the back of the truck. So they can listen to this whole conversation going along and all the trap, there's loads of trampires around them. All these beasts, zombie type beast everywhere. And they're just quietly listening. And all of a sudden turn around and a pig has decided that it's going to have sex with Van Rental and he doesn't like it.

He goes, Oh dear.

Chuck Steel is going to leave him to it, sort of thing. And Chuck Steel, he says, pull him off. And he says that. And he says, I don't think he needs any help.

I know that was a very good joke. But sadly, Chuck shoots the pig, which alerts the Trampires.

The truck's moving back and forth, while the pig's like raping Van Rental. So then he's shot and they all just look round and this is, oh dear.

Yeah, and they get dragged out of the truck and brought before the master, who completely berates them.

It's our midpoint turn, they are captured.

She says to Chuck, I know all about your wife. She's not dead.

Yes.

And I've got her goodbye letter here from your landlord.

Yes.

Here it is. And she reads it out, which is just to make him feel even worse in front of all these trampires and Van Rental and giggles. And basically his wife, his wife said, You're too much of an ego maniac. I'm leaving you for a clown. And I'm running away to the circus to become a clown because I don't want to be with you anymore. I want to be with this clown.

I got to say that's probably going to mess with you a little bit. I've never had that letter from a girlfriend saying that to me before. I don't know. Sarah's going to leave for a circus clown. I don't think so.

And all the trampires obviously laugh at him. And he just feels like a kid at school when the bullies do something to him.

They're all tied up, yeah. Then we cut to them tied up, aren't they, like a room sort of thing. And they're force-fed, three bottles of whiskey. Oh, well, van rentalers anyway.

Yeah. Because they know that Chuck's going to turn into a trampire at midnight. And again, this has kind of been done. You know, we know your friend's going to change and you're going to kill your own friend at midnight when you turn into a trampire.

They sort of leave them to it, don't they? As they always do, they leave them tied up thinking nothing's going to happen and they'll be all right. And they just leave them to it. But luckily, Van Rental has been in training for a long time and he could not get drunk anymore. He could just pass booze straight through his system.

With my training, I can pass booze straight through.

And he sits there and does the wheel.

He says, it's a bit messy. It does mean a bit messy, but you know.

And he has a one time drink, which is going to help Chuck Steel. He says, why didn't I give this to me before? And he just gives him this little drink, doesn't he? Which helps him. What's it do?

It helps him keep the transformation at bay for a few more hours.

Because he's been bitten by the bat. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. And then my next note says, Giggles the monkey then distracts everybody with a pig.

Yeah, Giggles actually fucking helps them out. As a first partner to actually do something good, sends the pig out, which the beast one, which is looking after those two who are tied up, sees it goes, Oh, he's gonna eat, eat it, basically eat the pig. He goes and gives a pig booze, which is really weird. He's got the pig and he's just putting booze down its neck, so he can get drunk so he can eat it. Anyway, then he's turned around and he sees the monkey.

But then the pig gets mutated into a big giant trampire pig with wings and kills Giggles the Monkey.

I know. He says Giggles is a great monkey. He's been really good and just dies.

Just dies instantly. And you start getting elements now, and we're getting into it more, of Dustal Dawn. There's a lot of Dustal Dawn-ness going on now, especially the last big fight in the circus tent as well. And they go off with Van Rento and they say, we're going to get to the circus. So they go to the circus.

No, they don't. Well, they go back to the apartment first.

Oh, they do. Well, Chuck gets his new partner.

And what happens though to, well, Mr. Van Rento.

He gets taken off by the pig.

It's so funny. He gets taken off, but the pig grabs him then, after eating the monkey, eating the monkey and killing the monkey, he grabs him and he goes off and his balls are just slapping on top of his head as he flies away to the perfect, the perfect sound effect. I promise you.

He says, I'd never been teabagged by a mutated tramp by a pig before.

It just goes off the distance. You just hear the slapping of the balls. Then you see him again later. It's the ball slapping the sound you hear first. And it's literally a perfect sound. I've never thought of what ball slapping on a head is the perfect sound. That is it.

Especially pig's balls.

Yeah, there must be more consistency or size.

They're big.

They would be big.

I take the kids to the farm sometimes and the big pigs lying down.

You say, kids, look at those balls. Those pigs.

I don't say that, but I do look at them and think, fuck me, there's some big balls on that pig. Jesus Christ.

Well, anyway, it's the best ball slapping sound effects I've ever heard in my life.

Well, Chuck goes back to his apartment to tool up.

Here's your new partner.

His new partner's already at the apartment, so that's good. It's a plant though.

It's the last one in the... He's used them all up. He had the rookie, he had the Helga.

His boss, Murtaugh, the boss.

And now it's just the plant.

It's giving him...

Just a pot plant. And while he's tooling up, the Trampire landlord arrives and immediately his plant is killed and shot. Yeah. So the partner's a lasting lesson.

And he looks around, he's annoyed because his partner's been killed, even though it's a plant.

He fights his landlord and, ironically, the landlord opens the cupboard and one of the broken TVs that he shot falls out onto the landlord's head.

That is so good.

The TV goes onto his head. Chuck Steel has a big long sword, pushes it into... Yeah, pushes it straight into the head so that it's sticking out, turns around, does a 360 jump kick, and kicks the head off the body, which falls onto a red button, which is self-destruct for his layer, Steel's layer. It's like, what the hell is going on? Again, I'm trying to write notes as quick as I can.

Also, there's a really random...

Large vampire parrot.

Yeah, the landlord's got a parrot, which was also bitten in that attack, Chuck, as well.

And it's gone massive. It's just like, what is going on? Yeah.

But Gav, if you have a lair like Batman, why do you understand why they've got self-destruct? Like, Chuck's fucked himself here. But anyway, his whole apartment explodes. He jumps out the window to get out of it.

He's blown out the window.

And then he wakes up. And that is such a Jackie Chan as well. I've seen that in so many Jackie Chan movies where Jackie would run. You behind the scenes, you see him three, two, one, run. And he runs. And they have to time the pyrotechnics with him going through the window, because that's how they do it in the Hong Kong movies. So I've seen that shot of a guy blown out of a window. We've seen it in Hollywood movies as well. It's just so fun.

Yeah. And he wakes up. It's another movie of a favorite as well. He wakes up in a resistance place like The Running Man.

Yes, exactly. Or even like the guys in They Live, The Resistance, that kind of thing. You've seen this before. These are the anti-trampire army. And these are the homeless people that haven't been bitten by trampires and they're the ones who want to fight back and get their name back up there because everyone assumes trampires are all going to bite you. And actually some of us tramps, we're just decent fellows who just want a couple of pennies so we can buy some cigarettes.

Do you like Stretch? The character called Stretch.

So Gav's referring to, he's being introduced to this army of resistance fighters and one of them is called Stretch and Stretch is called Stretch, Gav, isn't he? Because whenever he collects money, coins, he turns his back to the camera and you hear like a ching ching and the reason he's called Stretch is he keeps his spare change in his extremely baggy foreskin.

Yeah, wow.

The resistance are putting wooden little wooden tips on top of his bullets.

Oh, sorry, just getting past that.

Yeah, when they were writing this, how did they come up with that?

I have no idea. Why?

It's insane.

So they're putting wooden tip bullets on his bullets, modifying his gun slightly. And he's just showing around. It's very, very running, man, if you know that scene.

It's also very, very Army Of Darkness, because they show him a cave painting where he is the chosen one. And he meets Paul Whitehouse's character, The Wise One, who's this horrible, real weird guy in a wheel skateboard thing with a candle on his head.

His head is just dripped down and it just goes into a beard, which kind of you can't see any features apart from just a bit of a nose.

But talking of dick noses earlier, this is also there's times where his nose is shaped like a penis. And the way the wax is dripping out of it, it's just very, very naughty. And they've got away with it in this. The chosen one says, you know, you are the chosen one. You're going to lead us all against the... So it's kind of like Blade as well, because he's been bitten, but he's not fully turned yet.

We're going to the circus, fudge suckers!

Yeah, and they've got a big bulldozer thing on the front of the bus, and all their weapons lined up.

Yeah, which we've seen the big bus sort of thing before, so yeah.

And the press are all there at the circus, obviously, because it's a huge show, Midnight, that the governor's putting on. It's all been organized. Chuck's driving this bulldozer along. Loads of famous and important and rich people are going to be there, and it's perfect for the master because the master wants to turn everybody. Once she's turned the Puritan, they can turn everybody then, you know. Van Rental, though, he...

Yeah.

They start with killing the clowns. And, yeah, they just start taking everybody out.

We find out Steel isn't actually the prophet. The concrete cracks away and it's actually this other character who then parachutes into the scene and he's like, Hello, I'm here. He's like really stupid. It's really odd.

And he dies immediately. Yeah. I guess a bit of a Monty Python sort of joke.

I guess just before it happens, all the cops sign in where they are, all the different cops like the real one. And you get the gimp that signs in. He says, back passage ready for action.

Yep. And by this point, the chief's got...

Did you see earlier in the police car, and he's just getting a blowjob from someone, I think, wasn't he? Elijah obviously just had the head bobbed off down. Elijah's just completely...

And by this point, Captain Jack Shit is fully dressed as a woman. He's even got big fake boobs.

He doesn't believe Steel when Steel is trying to say to him, they're going for the governor, and he's like, shut up, Steel.

And we now just go into a huge action scene, really. Van Rental's got a bow and arrow, and he's actually being a badass. He's like Legolas in Lord Of The Rings, taking out people with his arrow.

How about when this is going on, we've got a thingy flying the pig.

Who's flying the pig?

Is it Van Rental who's flying the pig?

He's already exploded that.

Oh, OK. And he puts a cross on the pig's balls.

That's what I said. Oh, sorry.

There's so much in this. It's hard to keep up.

And then the pig explodes. That kicks out the action then.

The Catherine Wheel, when it's exploding, there's the Catherine Wheel going round and round.

The bulldozer arrives. And like we love in Walking Dead and stuff like that, you know, this bulldozer comes in, it just takes out loads of trampires straight away. And then it turns into some kind of dust till dawn now, because everybody, all the goodies, the good tramps jump off the bus and they're all taking out these trampires, Chuck's, you know, opening fire on them with machine guns. There's Van Rentals firing arrows at them. One of them hits the chief in the boot.

There's a clown sword in half.

There's a chainsaw. Yeah.

There's Kung Fu. I've written Kung Fu, chainsaws, guns and a rocket launcher. It's got it all.

It must have been like, to make this, exclamation, must have been like, are you off your fucking rocker? You know.

And there's hair metal playing all the way through this scene. It's a really exciting, fun scene as well. Jack Shit grabs a shotgun.

Some testicles are shot in the air, but it still shoots the testicles. Some testicles literally pop out of our cut in half body. So what is going on?

Yeah. And then a great payoff for the name Captain Jack Shit here because Captain Jack is sneaking up on a tram pie. One of the other cops is like, it's me. Don't you recognize me? Don't you recognize me? And Captain Jack says, and then he says, Captain, you don't know Jack Shit. And then Captain Jack shoots him and says, he does now. And it's like, okay, you literally wrote his name so that you could get to this line an hour and 20 minutes later. You don't know Jack Shit, he does now.

That's so good.

But it works and it's brilliant.

You've got one of the other cops that says to the other cop, I'm not going to make it. Tell my wife I never really loved her. I just wanted to get near her sister. Now, you'll tell her yourself, son. Don't worry about it.

Normally, they're like, tell my wife I love her. I never loved her.

I wanted to get near her sister. Then he says, don't worry, son. You'll tell her yourself. So good.

Then the master off-camera in the bus mutates now into its true form, which is a huge tentacled creature, which looks just like Lionel's mother from The End Of Braindead. Big boobs and all.

And still has turned into a full-on vampire as well.

Yeah.

So he's trumping out like the tongues out of the boobs of the pumpkin at the nipples.

And this is like, again, another film, 30 Days Of Night, where at the end of it, Josh Hartnett sort of vamps out to be able to take out the other vamps. So he's using his vampire, his vampire strength to fight the master now. And there's just this massive battle, a massive fight.

A big slug comes out of the mouth, like Polgosh 2, and it transforms.

Now it turns into this giant lizard alien fighting the giant master monster.

It's two big monsters fighting each other. And it's like, what the hell? And Steel's a vampire.

What is going on?

And it's like Godzilla or something.

Steel jumps on the neck of one of the monsters, just dives. I was like, what's he going to do? Just jumps on.

Well, this is where he shouts, Harry, how's on? Brilliant. And he jumps in. He puts a cross in the master's mouth, who sort of melts and explodes everywhere, grabs a rocket launcher, and then he sees his wife, because obviously we're at the circus, and he sees his wife and he's kind of distracted a little bit by his wife at this point. But then the lizard alien thing goes on the rampage. This is all like a fever dream. It's like we've dropped acid and started recording the podcast. I know.

Yeah, and he goes to talk to his wife, and then her boyfriend turns up, he's a very short guy, and he basically just picks him up and eventually goes and puts him in a cannon and blows him up.

Fires him out of the cannon. Yeah, and it was revealed that he wrote the letter, not her. She's like, I never wrote you a goodbye letter. And it was the client or the new boyfriend that wrote it.

And we do get a Ghostbusters ending, and we get all of his partners standing there waving. And then the chimpanzee breaks the plant and goes crazy as a ghost. It's like when he looks up and sees Obi-Wan Kenobi and all that stuff as a ghost in Star Wars.

Yeah, it's a Star Wars ending. Yeah, they're all there like the generalists.

It's this, but the partners is so good.

And his wife actually does say to him, because he says about getting back with him, and she says, because all the way through this, he's told everybody's best to work alone. She actually does say to him, to face it, you work best alone. And she still doesn't get back with him.

And the aftermath, when they're tidying up, it actually looks like an actual film. You're looking at it, you're like, that just looks like a movie of actors. That's incredible. So much detail. And then Van Rental's like, there's another case still, werewolf prostitutes. And Chuck Steel just punches, yeah, yeah. And it cuts and that's the end. And it just goes into 80s music. And I was like, what the fuck?

I really want to see Chuck Steel versus the werewolf prostitutes.

I know.

I've got to see that.

I know, it won't happen, but I know. If you're listening, if you're listening, makers, Mike Mort, we should give you a round of applause for this movie. Definitely. Please make that film for us.

It's, I mean, you'll be pleased to know I super enjoyed it.

Oh, good. I'm glad.

Thank you for it.

We are, we do have a very, very fondness of the 80s.

We've got a similar brain and similar tastes.

Yeah.

Yeah. This was, this was really, really, really fun. Silly. Now, this was my first watch. So actually, I think I'll enjoy it more on my next watch when I'm not making notes and really picking it apart.

You're picking up more Gavs. Yeah.

But I did say to you before we recorded that I'm keeping on my watch list and I'll come back to it in a year or so and rewatch it again. And I think this will become a favourite of mine to watch every couple of years, just when I want something silly to watch. And it's a great one. And before you sort of talk about it, I just want to say, if you haven't seen it, do watch it. It's not going to blow your doors off, but it's going to kill an amazing Friday night.

No, I reckon this is a Saturday night movie, and the next movie we've got is a Sunday afternoon film. I think you're set for the weekend. It's a great film. I don't need to really say any more about it. Daniel, I chose it because I love it. I explained why earlier. So it's a thumbs up from us. It's a really good film. Yeah, that's a straight hour. Exactly as I said that, that turned to one hour of recording there. How crazy is that?

Well, I'm right on the dot.

Shall we?

Bill Murray's with us.

Bill.

He's got his James Bond taxi door.

We're new up for the James Bond. I'll tell you what, Bill, I really enjoyed watching recently that movie. He doesn't, what's it called? It's a Play On The Hitchcock Name movie. Doesn't know anything. I can't remember what it's called.

The Man Who Knew Too Little.

That's it.

The Man Who Knew Too Much or Too Little Wonder, too.

Really enjoyed that.

And that's kind of like Bill Murray. As close as you could get to James Bond, I guess.

Well, he's shaking us up a martini right now. I'm surprised he's not in his birthday suit. But I think he said 2025 is the year he's going to be slightly better behaved.

Yeah, but it's only when it's our episodes he's not in the birthday suit. All the year round, Murray Ball's out.

Oh, OK. He's saying something about Bond girls arriving later on this evening. But my wife's upstairs, Bill. We can't have loads of women coming around here. Oh, Gav. I think it's going to get messy. Bill, do you want to just take us into World Of The Strange, please?

Merci, Bill.

Please do it.

Hi, welcome back to World Of The Strange.

It's the Strange World Money Pound.

This is the Strange World. Don't know what that was.

Bond, it's time to meet your gadgets.

Strange World of Bond.

For World Of The Strange, we're gonna be talking about the wonderful world of James Bond.

No, really? Splendid.

I'm gonna talk about Bond girls, some Strange Bond facts, and I'm gonna finish up with some real life Bond gadgets that are now real. Gadgets that appeared in Bond films, but are now real.

There's another one called Funny Fanny, was there?

No, but that would have been brilliant. Mr Bond, this is your assistant, Funny Fanny. She'll be helping you out. Although I think Money Penny is a play on vagina, really, isn't it? Let's be honest.

Well, a lot of...

Well, let's dive into it, because the first thing I'm going to do is...

Let's dive into a lot of vagina...

on girls and their names. . Okay?

All right.

So I'm just going to do some of the more notable ones and their names. So we'll start with Honey Rider.

Wow.

That is a porn name, isn't it?

From Dr. No. It conjures up images. Yeah, that was Ursula Andressen. What to know? Honey Rider. Even like you said in the last episode, even Roger Moore is just a pun in itself really, isn't it? In Dr. No, we also had another lady, a Bond girl called Sylvia Trench. Trench, which is a large gully.

I don't know.

She's like, there's Dr. Goodhead and I'm Trench.

I'm Sylvia Trench.

That's not really good. I don't know what that means. Maybe they didn't like her. I don't know.

But those are some of the funny ones to start with. Other ones we've got, obviously, we've got to discuss Pussy Galore.

Pussy Galore.

They got away with that.

That's it. Austin Powers was a lot of vagina, wasn't it?

Yeah, a lot of vagina.

Yeah, because Austin Powers is just playing all of the Bonds.

And Felicity Shagwell. Shagwell by name, Shag very well by nature.

Splendid.

Ridiculous. Honour Blackman played Pussy Galore, which is just the height of Bond girl names, really. Who else did we get? We got...

Do you reckon she played with that name when she's in the bedroom with her special other half? Do you know what I mean?

Maybe. I don't think Honour Blackman would do that. She's quite a classy lady in real life. We had Domino in Thunderball. And what do you got to remember as well? That Bond would often say things about their names. Like when he met Pussyclaw for the first time, he said, I think all my dreams have come true. You know, that kind of thing, you know. We had... We also had Kissy Suzuki in You Only Live Twice. Kissy Suzuki. Brilliant. In You Only Live Twice.

Yeah.

Yeah, Bambi and Thumper as well. Who else did we have? Grace Jones had a good name as well when we get to her. Tiffany Case. That's ridiculous. She was in Diamonds Of Forever. One of my favorites, also in Diamonds Of Forever, that was a girl by the name of Plenty O'Toole. Hi, I'm Plenty O'Toole. Wow. Yeah, Bambi and Thumper were both also in Diamonds Of Forever. Solitaire. She was in Live And Let Die as well. So some of these ended up all being in the same film. We have Mary Goodnight.

James Bond. James Bond.

How do they get away with this sort of stuff? Who else did we get? We got Barbara Back. Sorry, not Barbara Back. Her character was called Anya Amasova. We had Holly Goodhead, which you've already mentioned. She was a groupie. How, again, Holly Goodhead. You know, it's like a drunken producer.

Benny Hill.

Carry On films.

Oh, Carry On, yeah.

Dumbled in and said, call one of them Holly Goodhead.

Then rolled back out like, who's he? Maybe he's one of the producers. Keep the name. Is that the Carry On? Is that the Carry On spying set?

Also had Octopussy herself in the movie Octopussy.

You know, my dad took me to the cinema to see that as a little kid.

Who's called Octopussy? That was it. Grace Jones was called Mayday.

I like the one with Grace Jones.

Christopher Walken. Dolph Lundgren in that one as well. In fact, that's Dolph Lundgren's first on-screen appearance.

Oh, really?

Yeah, he played a bodyguard in it. And after that, he got the Rocky movie. We got Polar Ivanova in A View To A Kill as well. We got Xenia On Your Top. That was at Famke Janssen in GoldenEye. Xenia On A Top. On a top of what? On a top of me. Yeah. Yeah, Bond Girls. They're a staple. And I thought what we could probably do is very quickly just talk about all the Bond cliches, because we have, oh, we should also mention that Michelle Yeoh is called Wayling. Wayling. Like she's Wayling.

Yeah, a lot of the one liners, Susan Roger Moore came into it, and they were played with in the On Her Majesty Secret Service, which we will speak about. Yeah, having definitely having sex. There's one thing you always think is James Bond got an STD, must have many an STD.

Would you like to know how many women James Bond slept with throughout the 24 films?

Go on then.

58 women. Someone's gone over and done the maths.

That's amazing.

58 sexual relations with women. 22% of the women he'd slept with were drunk. Not sure what that says about James.

No.

28% of the women James Bond slept with died by the end of the film.

Yeah.

It's not good. Do you know how many men or how many people James Bond has killed throughout the movies?

Wow. That must be a lot.

370 people.

Wow. Okay.

Just one man. License to kill. He's got a license, Gav.

If you had a license to kill, though, you'd probably just be like a bang, shooting that fucker. Bang, shooting that fucker.

License to kill. Pierce Brosnan has killed the most people out of all the Bonds.

Wow.

Mr. Brosnan taking people out.

And his special gadgets. That'd be his invisible car and stuff like that.

BMW that he had and all that kind of stuff.

It's a shame because Tarantino says Pierce Brosnan was like a brilliant Bond but was in the wrong decade.

Well, let's talk about that briefly because he actually was going to be James Bond in the Timothy Dalton movies.

Yes, but too young.

Too young. And he also was doing Remington Still at the time.

And he couldn't get out of the contract, could he?

Timothy Dalton, who was in two of my favorite Bond movies, he was going to be in On Her Majesty's Secret Service. But he was only 23, and they didn't want a really young Bond. And they made him audition. And I don't know how he would have done it. In 1969, Timothy Dalton, he was so young. He was only 23. Obviously, they went with Lazenby in the end. But yeah, pretty crazy stuff. He would have done that. There's been 12 James Bond actors. 12? Which doesn't make sense, I know.

Yeah.

Do you want to talk about the gadgets?

Of course. Obviously, always. You have to have... One we're talking about is a classic Bond, it has everything, it really does. But you do have a lot of the staples. One of them is going to go see Q. Q is his quarter-mast. And he basically just gives him his field kit and gear equipment.

And we've seen a range of crazy gadgets, but I've got a list of gadgets that are now real. So we can discuss how those go. By the way, a little bit of trivia for you. You know James Bond obviously loves Baccarat. That's his favorite card game. In the books, James Bond was also apparently really good at snap. Why did he even write that into the book?

Snap. Snap.

Snap. Is that what you're trying to say? He's got really good reflexes or something.

He's so like brainless. Snap.

Also, Roger Moore had hoplophobia, which is a fear of guns. And Daniel Craig was the first Bond that was younger than the franchise itself. Interesting for you as well.

Strange trivia.

I just throw these little things in because it's your birthday episode.

But yeah, as we're talking random Bonds and now I say that all of the Bond films always have kind of gone with what's going on at the time in the mainstream cinema. The Daniel Craig era coming from the Bourne Ultimatum type films come on. Do you know what I'm saying? As we went through time, especially like you see earlier on in movies, you can look at what came out like a year earlier in cinema and go, what came out? Oh, okay, that.

Yeah. And the next one is probably going to be a superhero or something. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I have no idea. I imagine it'd be quite a young Bond. I think it's the only thing they could do next. Really? It's a young, it's going to be a man and I think it'll be a young man.

I must own up to our listeners. You know, I've seen them all except for the newest one.

Yeah.

Which is No Time To Die, is it? Yeah.

As I class, No Time To Watch because it's too long. I have seen it. It's quite long.

But I do love the James Bond movies.

I think it's, I think the love interest type person, in it, I think, is wrongly cast. It just doesn't seem to have any chemistry and it's like, OK.

Before we get into these gadgets, one thing I will say, which I think I've said before on the podcast, is there are three sort of staples of British cinema, and they are the Carry On movies, the James Bond movies, and, oh, what's the name? Hammer. Hammer. Thank you very much. And they're time capsules, and they're not always very PC, because they were made at very different times, but Hammer, Bond, and the Carry On movies, they were what British people were watching.

It's for people outside of England, and maybe who are born a lot later, who are younger listening to the show. Like me and Dan, we would have grown up with Bond being like, it still is though, I think, really, but we were back a day before the internet, and you only had four channels, whatever. Bond, Christmas Day, it was a special event, when you had a Bond movie come on, or go to the cinema, it didn't go that often. It's more TV, but, and we all grew up on Bond. Everybody grew up on Bond.

Who's your favorite Bond actor?

What's yours?

Mine, weirdly, is Roger Moore, because my favorite films are the Roger Moore films, because they're a little bit more comedic, tongue in cheek, bit camp, and I just love, those are the ones I watch the most. I'd say Sean Connery is my least favorite.

It's a hard one, because I like all classics, and I grew up with them, but I do really like Daniel Craig's take on it.

Yeah, I liked Pierce Brosnan, but I feel like half of his films were crap, and the other half were good. I'll tell you who I love. Timothy Dalton, he did two Bond movies, and they were both really different, really dark.

Yeah, well, that's when they went real serious with it. And if you look around at a time, that's from the late 80s, mid to late 86 and 89 or something like that. If you look around then, it was a lot of a darker period with like, the action films at the time then, were going darker action movies, Predator, et cetera, et cetera. Do you know what I mean? So, yeah, and he just dropped in for two films.

Yeah, weird, but gadgets, Gav. So I'll start on the list of gadgets that are now real. So in Dr. No, the bad guy in that had bionic hands in 1962. That was science fiction in 1962.

Fucking cool as shit.

But now, there are bionic hands.

You know, if my hands get chopped off, it's going to be annoying, but can I get bionic ones though? That's the question.

Yeah, of course you can. That's the thing. Everyone can have them now. You know, bionic hands, you got bionic legs. To be honest with you, you know, if you know arthritis, just keep going.

That's fucking real good.

You've seen people with those bionic legs that are like big springboards. They can run like, God knows how fast, like 30 miles an hour or something ridiculous, you know.

I want those spring legs as arms, so I can spring your face pretty far, in a nice loving way.

Wow. Well, Dr. No had metal hands, which gave him super strength. But obviously now this is a real thing. And with technology and medicine and science, we can give people bionic hands. So that's the first one on the list that is now real. Here's another one. In Goldfinger in 1964, everybody thought it was very silly that the Aston Martin had some kind of sat navigation in it. That was far-fetched, that is, isn't it?

Yeah.

But here we are in 2025.

Popped a few satellites up there.

Got it on my phone. But imagine in 64, when that film came out and people were like, he's got a satellite navigation system built into his Aston Martin.

I'm sure I don't have one of those gadget watches. Can you probably get your navigation in your watch, can't you?

I expect you can, yeah, in your Apple watch or something, yeah.

So that's funny. Now, that is James Bond. You've got navigation in your watch. That is already old school Bond, isn't it? That's so amazing.

Yeah, like people can talk into their phones, like Dick Tracy and stuff like that, you know?

That's hilarious.

To their watches. So that one's done. One which is illegal but is real is the license plate flipper from Goldfinger as well. We've seen this done also in the Cannibal Run, where you can flip your license plate over and pretend you're a different car.

That's pretty cool.

And people have got this to stay out of the cops.

Oh my God.

But obviously it's not legal to have this built into a car.

You're going to get super busted because I guess what they do though, if they caught you, they would just flip it, then run that license plate and go, look at all the shit you've done.

But I even remember this in the Cannibal Run, where Roger Moore does it, when the Smokies are on his tail.

And he plays pretty much Bond in that movie, which is hilarious.

He plays Roger Moore, doesn't he? He plays Roger Moore, who's an actor.

He played Bond.

Yeah. But yeah, you will go to jail if you have license plate flippers on your car.

You will be the talk of the jail of how cool your number plate flipper was.

Especially if one of the number plates says fuck, and then you flip it and the other one says you. Here's another one then. This one's from Thunderball, 1965. As we know, Sean Connery had a rocket propelled jetpack in that.

Very quickly, going back to the number plate thing. What if you took the number plate, which you're doing all the crimes with, was a number plate of an old lady somewhere, but you had the same car as you and everything, colour and everything, and then they end up just raiding our house.

Oh, what happened to me?

And it's this little old and st. lady.

You're a heroin dealer.

We know you.

Is that what you're going to do with your flip number plate?

Yeah.

Deal heroin?

Money and drugs.

That's your choice. You could deal heroin. You could rob a bank or something safely. Don't harm people. You could rob a bank, though.

Yeah, but you get some money out of heroin.

Yeah, you could kill people with your overdoses.

Anyway, it wasn't me. It was the old lady. I didn't do that.

True. Go ahead and carry on to your rocket pack.

Yeah. So rocket jet pack in Thunderball. Sean Connery used that. Obviously, we know rocket packs are real now. Jet packs, they're not as awesome as Iron Man makes them out to be yet, but they are there. We do have rocket fuel jet packs. It's something that is probably going to be improved and perfected in the next 10 years really, but we already still have some jet pack. I don't think I'd like to try it until it's perfected, because the danger is obviously it will explode and it's on your back.

That's why they're a bit nervous in the lift in Ghostbusters on the first Troll run.

That's true, actually. Each of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on our back. Turn me on. The next one on the list is the mini helicopter. The mini helicopter, tiny little helicopter. We first saw it in You Only Live Twice.

No, I don't remember that. Not one for people.

Just one person in it. It just fits one tiny little tiny thing. It was in the back of a car or something.

Yeah, that's really cool. I remember that. That's really cool.

Yeah. And now we do have mini helicopters.

I want one of them too for my birthday.

Because drones, you can fit a person in a drone.

Well, those big ones, yeah.

Yeah. So that's another thing that's come true, thanks to Q. Fake fingerprints. Diamonds are forever.

Q didn't actually come up with these things. Q's a character, Dan, in the movie.

Oh, sorry. What?

Right.

Yeah. I thought he worked for the government. Yes, we now have fake fingerprints. They've started catching criminals that can apply a little bit of gel with a fingerprint on it to their fingertips, and they can beat the scanners, so they can get into security places.

Spy shit.

Yeah.

That's what I do. If I buzzed out, I'll do it to you when it went bing, clear, and look at you and go, spy shit.

Amazing. We've got them on our laptops, on our phones. We use our fingerprint biometrics for all of that stuff, really. But obviously, with my phone, it's also got to see my face as well. So it has to unlock to my face. Otherwise, unless John Travolta comes along, does a face-off switch with me. I don't know why you want my phone, really. There's not much in there other than pictures of my children. But hey, it's John Travolta who knows what he wants.

Oh, nice. An ox pussy.

The Spy Who Loved Me.

Oh, OK, sorry.

1977. Roger Moore drove his beautiful car.

I've still got the little white one with the little flippers.

I've got that toy.

I've got that. Yeah, I think I think most of our age have got that toy.

Yeah. The vehicle was nicknamed Wet Nelly. It's a Lotus Esprit S1 sports car that they they turned into this for the for the film. It's now real, though. You'll be pleased to know that Elon Musk now owns the original Wet Nelly.

Wow.

He bought it at auction for 550,000 pounds.

See, there is one thing, being the richest person in the world, there is a chance that you could go to all these movie memorabilia places. I'm literally just going to spend my money. There's a lot of things I could do in the world, but I'm going to spend on movie memorabilia and have the best movie museum in the world ever.

But the problem there is that Elon Musk might wake up one day and say, do you know what I really want? I want to build an army of ED-209s. I'm going to do that, and then we're in trouble, aren't we? But yes, we now have many cars that can turn into submarines. Boats, obviously it's very common to have cars that can turn into boats as well, but yes, we do have that.

Yeah, and it's kind of like The Simpsons, they're just throwing stuff at it, because they're always like, Simpsons predicted all these things. Yeah, but Simpsons, there's so many episodes, there's so much shit in them, they're going to predict stuff by accident. But so it's the same thing, just going to come up with all these inventions, and some of the stuff's going to be like stuff, it should come in through tradition.

Well, the next one on the list is in Tomorrow Never Dies with Mr. Brosnan, and he used a phone that was referred to as a smartphone, and everybody thought that would never catch on. What was that talking about? And he could take pictures with it, he could use it to record things.

Did they call it in Bond as a smartphone?

As a smartphone, this is your smartphone. It was a Nokia, I'm sorry, it was an Ericsson JB988, and Q was like, this phone isn't just a phone, Bond. And he gave me, he said, it opens up, you can take pictures of it and record video on it. And Bond was like, great, great. Obviously Bond used it to drive his BMW remotely as well.

I watched that one recently.

But obviously smartphones, fucking everyone's got one now, 10-year-old kids have got them in their pocket, you know, younger. And I've just discussed, you know, they've got fingerprint scanners on them. There's more technology in a smartphone.

I took Elijah to a kid's party the other day, and it's an 11-year-old kid, and it's all boys, it's all boys. Oh no, it's one little sister, but it's all boys, 11-year-old boys. And one of them is just in there, his phone would feel whatever rang. He's just chatting to his watch, to like his mum or whatever. And I'm like, fucking hell, I don't even, Elijah doesn't even have a mobile phone. He's like, fucking hell, and he's got a watch. I don't even have a fucking watch.

Yeah, and you imagine in 1997, you know, phones weren't really, there weren't mobile phones, but they weren't smartphones.

No.

You could just about text. But here we are.

Here we are.

More technology in our phones than was probably in the average street, you know, back then. X-ray glasses, Gav.

Nice. Can you get X-ray glasses?

You can. The world is not enough. The world is not enough. James Bond wore some X-ray glasses. But the development of real X-ray spectacles has now been developed and it allows doctors and nurses to locate a vein in you for intravenous treatments and things like that.

Yeah, those cool lads.

Yeah, you'd be like, oh, wow.

X-ray specs, $2.

My mum would be like, I don't think Two Pains 50 is going to buy you X-ray specs, Daniel. And I'm like, I want them, I need them, I need them.

I know. What a fucking con.

The last one on the list is from Casino Royale 2006, Daniel Craig. A microchip implant. At the time, it was still considered science fiction, but we now have them and we have people actually wanting them put into their skin so they can do their chip and pin, when they pay for groceries and that kind of stuff.

We've had dogs for a long time. Chips.

That's true. We've got them in dogs. Yeah. But yeah, all of these things were science fiction in these Bond movies and now they're real. The most common one really, talking of this chip, is the Neuralink, which I think you discussed on your show with Sarah.

Yeah. It's Elon Musk's Neuralink. Yeah. Basically, people are paralyzed or paraplegic people, or just the spinal area is just gone or whatever. Even complete paralyzed people will be able to, and there's some people who are doing it now. But yeah, to just use their mind with a link, with a fucking thing, putting their mind, chipping their mind.

That links to their spine.

So they can think, and the people are doing it. It's not like, I'm not making this up, this is actually happening. There's like a dude and he's playing computer games with his mind. So where he wants to shoot, he just looks over there and shoots.

And people can choose to have ones, there's a guy that can see colour. Sorry, that can see music and hear colour and stuff, and it's like, wow.

That's crazy. And it will help people to walk as well with a, you can bypass the things which have stopped in their head, in their brain or whatever, which is the signalling and communicating with making the legs walk, whatever, and whatever works happen there, they can bypass that to link up another way so you can actually walk and stuff again. That might be a thing as well, which is insane.

It is insane. And that's again from Marvel, Captain and Iron Man's buddy, Rhodey gets paralysed at the end of one of the movies and they implant a chip in his spine and he can walk.

I imagine at the moment it's very expensive, so it has come down to who's going to get priority. And if it's a private thing, then obviously this could be the rich. I don't know if it would be a bit cheaper. Elon Musk is a strange character, not getting into politics, even though he's not really even politics, but he stepped into politics, not getting into it. And he's a strange character because at times you're like, oh, that would be a good thing for the human race.

That's it. That's my list of gadgets.

I thought we took about Bond girls, my balls, Dan, my balls.

How many women he shagged, how many men he's killed and all that kind of stuff. And I think Bill Murray's fixed our martinis up for us here now. I'm not sure what that little pink pill is floating in each of them, but you've got them from who? Bill Cosby. What?

P Diddy. Jesus Christ.

P Diddy and Bill Cosby supplier. That doesn't sound good. Bond. James Bond.

I've watched P twice. Right, Bill, can you please take us out of here?

Should we have a trader from the Master's Secret Service?

Yeah, Bill, take us out of here. We'll go straight into a trader for some Bondness.

Do it.

Do it now.

That's all the time we've got for this week on World Of The Strange.

Next week, though. hairless pets.

And Avalanche of Action. Bigger. Better.

Different.

It's got to be when he's around. Sisters of sweeping splendor, different. It must be so if he's in the picture. Fabulous beauties, all of them dolls, every one different. They've got to be when he's around.

My name's Bond, James Bond.

The new Bond.

Suppose I were to kill you for a thrill.

The different 007. George Lazenby. The Different Bond From The Same Stable. Diana Raitt as the Comtesa. The Different Bond Woman. This one's got class and style. The villains with a difference. Telly Savalas as Blofeld, a new destructive force.

With a difference, if my demands are not met, I shall proceed with a systematic extinction of whole species of cereals and livestock all over the world.

Gabriele Fazzetti as Draco, a tough mafia daddy with a problem child.

Papa, where's James? Don't worry, he'll join us soon.

But we can't leave him.

He doesn't need your help.

I will not go without you.

You're half good.

On the day you marry her, I'll give you a personal dowry of one million pounds.

Oh, oh, 007 times more exciting than your wildest dream. The creative skills of the cinema's master filmmakers.

We've hit the rush hour.

If you think you know your bond, think again. This one's different. This one's got heart.

I love you.

I know I'll never find another girl like you.

Will you marry me?

An On Her Majesty's Secret Service, 1969. PG. Two hours, 22 minutes. Nice and neat.

Toot, toot, toot.

British agent James Bond goes undercover to pursue the villainous Ernst Stavro Bladfeld, who is planning to hold the world to ransom. Um, yeah. James Bond. Well, we've not talked about this fellow before on, well, especially we have, but not as an actual movie review. Have we, Dan?

No, and there's a few bits to talk about before we get into the actual story itself.

Yeah.

Um, so just very quickly, directed by Peter Hunt, um, who also directed, um, a couple of other Bond movies, or produced them, at least. Uh, he directed, um, some, I think some Roger Moore ones as well. I'm just having a look now. Bear with me a moment. Um, and it's an obscure one and done. There's only the one time George Lazenby played Bond. Um, it could be a, or just a self-contained, uh, spoiler alert for the reason being Bond gets married in this one.

Character.

Character, but also that tongue-in-cheek one-liner stuff that he, that Roger Moore really took to another level.

Which then got dropped again, but... Yeah, because this only has a bit of that, but it has everything. I don't know, it's so good. It's such a weird one. It's coming out from the Sean Connery era. So, and Sean Connery was the first person doing it, so he had set this benchmark, this look, everything sort of thing.

Which came out the same year as Roger Moore one.

Which is so weird. Anyway.

Defeating Bonds.

Yeah. And they spent a year and a half looking for a Bond. George Oseby said, like, he was annoyed with the producers later on after the film had come out, that they were saying, oh, we could have just taken any actor off the street and made them Bond. He hated that. But he went for, there's even a documentary, I can't remember what name it is now, I should know the name, we should have given that name, where George Oseby tells his story. And he was a model.

I think he's from New Zealand.

It's probably New Zealand. And the role was up and he actually went to, I think, do you go to the same tailor and same hairdressers? Sean Connery's character, Sean Connery.

Yeah, he's trying to do everything he could.

So when he went into the audition, he looks like Sean Connery. So I, you know, I don't know at what point he did a lot of blagging on there. I think this is before the internet. They weren't doing like, you can't just like look on your phone and go to the IMDB. You know, it's a little bit different than that.

He would, and his career was plummeted after this really.

I looked at his eyes and he made lots of... The next couple of films, sorry to cut you off there, you can get back onto it in a second, but this was absolute luxury for an actor. He was working with proper lovely, gorgeous sets, locations, characters, costumes, cast, everything you need. It's so good, like the cars, everything. And the next film he's doing, like I looked at the still shots and it's like, man, that's a shot on like probably a 16 millimeter or something with no light in.

Yeah. And he had, you know, we talked about how this film influences a lot of things, you know, Roger Moore's run, but also Austin Powers later in the night. But a lot of movies that came quite soon after this, Enter The Dragon being one of them, you know, there's a lot. That was essentially a Bond film with Bruce Lee. And, you know, you can see that. And weird.

Absolutely. Yeah.

And weirdly, George Lazenby had more bad luck. He had a meeting scheduled with Bruce Lee and one of the heads of Warner Brothers, and they were going to be making a film together. It was potentially going to be Game Of Death. Unfortunately, Bruce Lee died. I think the morning of the meeting that he had. So that never went ahead, and that would have probably done something for him.

I think that would be one of those cult films that we are probably reviewing on this show.

Because he was friends with George Lazenby. George Lazenby, I think, had done some martial arts training under Bruce Lee. As Bruce Lee taught a lot of famous people. So yeah, I mean, that would have been brilliant. You can imagine how John Saxon, he was so cool in Enter The Dragon. It could have been George Lazenby doing something similar. I got it wrong earlier. It was actually Roger Moore that was offered this film. He said, I don't like the script and I think it's not something I want to do.

It's funny because Piers Brosden was doing a TV show, wasn't he?

Remington Steel, yeah.

Remington Steel.

Chuck Steel.

Yeah. He was doing that, which I've never seen it, but he was a leading person, probably had a gun sort of thing. It's funny, but yeah, it's such an interesting movie, this.

It uses a contemporary song all the time in the world.

Oh, and it's used so well. Yeah.

And it was the longest Bond film until...

Oh, really?

It's two hours and 20 minutes. It was the longest Bond film until 2012 with Spectre. You know, so it smashed the box office. It did amazing in the box office when it came out in 69. Yeah. It beat everything.

I don't know why they had to be saying like, oh, no, you can't be dressed like that. It's like, all you got to do is the next movie comes, and I cut your head or that and go back into the character. It's so silly. But another thing with this, though, I would say that this movie is absolutely perfect. If you know of a James Bond movie existed, right? No movie at all. And you were reading the book and you were imagining what the James Bond was like as you were reading the book. This is that book.

And I mean, talking of that, or your picture, this story, this was actually first published in Playboy magazine, this story over a series of issues, which is why Bond is randomly reading a Playboy in one of the scenes. It's because he's having a look at the order. But I thought that was odd. But I realized later on it's because this story was originally published in Playboy. So they wanted to shout out Playboy.

When he pops up, you know he's in, but he's not in for a little while. So you kind of just like you're watching a movie and you're quite happy just following the movie, watch it long and all of a sudden Telly turns like, you're like Kojak, who loves you baby?

Yeah, it's crazy and great Bond girls in this. Even Joanna Lumley, this was her first on-screen appearance. She's only in it briefly. It's just got so much going for it. We get Moneypenny, MQ as well.

The score is the classic, absolute classic score. It's got everything you need in the Bond, like the horns playing the theme music. It's just so good.

It's considered the best Bond score of all time.

Absolutely.

And I agree with that.

Yeah.

And yeah, well, I mean, let's just get into it because this film is great.

John Barry is so good. I've got a lot of his records, actually, of all the Bond tracks. They're so good.

The thing is, if Lazenby had made more Bond films, they might have been shit. He is in some ways lucky to have done this, and that's it. Do you know what I mean? He had a chance to shine. And boy, did he shine. I think he's great in this role.

Yeah, I told you. I reckon it was a case of, like, for the director of photography to be like, OK, and he'd be like, now what do I do? OK, right, stand there, right. Just come in here and give them, like, the basic direction of an action scene. Do you know what I mean? Obviously, you've got to learn a lot, some of the script and stuff, and choreography with some of the fight sequences. But some of the basic stuff, it would probably be maybe that's how they shot it.

Do you know about the fight scenes in this?

No, what? Tell me.

Because Lazenby didn't really understand choreography.

Okay.

They were going to double him.

Right.

But they ran through with him and one of the big Russian guys.

He looks like he could probably have a fight.

Well, he broke this Russian guy's nose because he didn't know how to pull in punches. So they said, we don't need to use stunt guys, you can do all your own stunts. He said, yeah, I'm happy to do the fight scenes and stuff like that on the beach, you know, at the beginning where he's breaking people up. And so he's pretty much doing almost all of his own stunts in this as well, apart from hanging off of cables and stuff. And some of the skiing, of course, isn't him, but he was a big guy.

Yeah, he does wear a kilt.

And he gets that kilt on. Come on. The other thing that, and we'll come to this scene later, which I love about this, it really is almost like veering into parodies. Bond suddenly finds himself at the top of a mountain in a building that's got a woman from, a beautiful woman from every different country of the world in it. And it's just like, what is going on here?

And he's in this kilt and they were like, no men come here normally apart from the cleaners and the kitchen staff or whatever. It's like, whoa. And they were just like, fucking hell. They're basically like, I want to have sex with him right now. It could be any man, really.

A little bit of trivia for you, last bit before we get into the, you're like this trivia, before we get into the story then, is you know the scene where the woman puts her hand up his kilt and writes her room number, number eight, on his thigh?

In the fight, yeah, at the dinner table.

When they shot that, when they shot that, they, one of the prop masters said to George Lazenby, I've got a really good joke to play, and they warmed up a big sausage and taped it to his inner thigh. So when she put her hand up here, she obviously felt what she thought was his dick. And apparently that's the take they use. You see her eyebrows go up ever so slightly, but she stays in character when she's pretending to write her name on his thigh. And that was the take they used.

So she possibly wanked off a sausage under the table.

I don't think she would have done that.

I guess she wanked off a sausage.

Yeah. There we go. So there's lots, lots to discuss in this. So should we jump into it?

From wanking off sausages under tables? Let's get straight into it. We have the classic Bond. Look at the camera. Classic, classic circle Bond. Look at the camera.

He's wearing a hat, which is rare for this part. You know, normally when Bond shoots into the spy hole. Yeah.

We're with Q, straight with Q, aren't we?

In London, of course.

Of course we are. Q's just going, Oh, we've got radioactive lint now. We're just throwing random stuff to him. Is that OK?

The reason for this is the studio was really worried about someone that wasn't Sean Connery playing something. So the first scene has Q, M, Moneypenny and MI5 headquarters in London. Just so you know, we're dealing with Bond. You know, this is still James Bond, even though it's not Sean Connery. So that's why they did that. Where is 007? Has anybody seen him? He's been missing for a few weeks. And Moneypenny is like, well, I'm sure he's doing what he needs to do. And what's he doing?

Yeah, he's following someone in a car, basically. But what a beautiful thing here is, this is anticipation, again, with when we get a new James Bond. It always is. It's the first time this has happened. So they've done it really well. They've just shown this James Bond, but they don't show him at all. They just show the shadows of the character. You don't see Bond whatsoever. And it's really nicely done.

And they put them in an Aston Martin with a score playing that we know. So we know this is definitely Bond.

It's what is funny about this movie is they're very, very like with playing with the audience, going, letting the audience know that they know what you want. Because they get the bit when he says, well, that never happened to the other fellow.

I mean, that is just just going, he says that to the camera, he breaks the fourth wall.

That's insane.

And that's that was him, Ad Libin. George Lazenby kept saying off set, but this never happened to the other fellow. And one of the producers overheard him and said, you need to say that in the film somewhere. And he said, I'd like to say it in this speech scene. Yeah, let's try it. So after the girl runs off, he stares right into the audience's eyes and says, I bet this never happened to the other fellow.

And it's just it's just letting the audience know that we know what's going on. And it's playing with her. And so it's it's it. I love the daringness of this film and how good it is. It's just so good.

Anyway, so he's spying on Tracy.

Yeah, in the shadows, driving off. She still don't know who it is yet, Bond, until he gets to the beach and he runs. He can't you see his face, but carry on.

She looks like she's going to commit suicide or something because she parks her car up on the beach and she walks into the water and just keeps walking and walking and walking. So he's been spying on her through his little BD Bond telescope and he runs after her to save her.

He pulls her up, skids her out of the car, jumps out of the car and runs. So that's the first time seeing the new Bond and he runs to save this woman. It's about to commit suicide. So it's quite a dark opening really. It's like what's going on? Yeah.

He says, it's very important that he says this is his opening line to the film. The name is Bond, James Bond. And that was one of the first times he'd said it.

Right.

Bond. So that sets that up for all these other films.

They're just two fellas turned up with guns.

Two big guys.

And it's a big scrap. OK, so now, though, this is really interesting. It's edited not like action films in the 2000, post 2000. It's edited like 90s action films. But you've got close up zooms of the Adam West Batman style. So it's so funny. It's so like weird contrasts, but actually kind of OK with the darkness of the night getting dark with the sky there and the beach and stuff. It's kind of works OK, though. I've got no problem with it at all.

Yeah, that was shot day for night, that whole scene.

Yeah, it has that feel, but I like that feel for this.

And we get our first kill within minutes because one of the guys, he's fighting, is in the water and he just pulls him down.

What do you think of the fight sequences?

Absolutely. This fight scene had me like pumping my fist. Like this is great.

For 1969, it's like this is quite, yeah.

Because some audiences we used to see.

Well, then going into Roger Moore's kind of pulled back a bit with Roger Moore's fighting. It wasn't like this.

Yeah, he wasn't so much of a fighter, was he?

And the action sequences weren't like this. They were big spectacles, but not individual spectacles.

Connery and Lazenby and Daniel Craig are all similar bonds, because they like getting their blood on their knuckles and getting a good scrap going on.

Yeah, where it seems that Roger Moore, Dalton and Brosnan are more spectacle of the whole situation.

I think Dalton is somewhere in the middle. I think Dalton...

He was trying to do something a bit more rough around the edges, for sure.

But he was more of a keep my hands clean and use my gadgets kind of guy. Yeah, certainly Roger Moore was.

I don't know his films. Well, I've got to be honest. I have all of the Bond movies. Dalton ones, I don't know as well.

Bicent's The Kill is the one where he quits, famously Bond quits.

Yeah, and anyway, we're not getting to now. Yeah, right.

So, yeah, he drowns this guy in like three inches of water by just kneeling on the back of his neck in the sea.

Yeah.

And then he goes after the other guy. He beats him with an oar. It's really, really, really good hand to hand. And then he looks around and Tracy nicks his Aston Martin, drives it back over to her car. And that's when he drives off.

That's where he says this never happened to the other fellow, which is just like, what the shit?

And now we get our next Bond staple or cliché.

Do you know, also here, just doing that and then letting that go, is going also to a period of time of cinema when it was a spectacle itself and it was very entertaining. There was a proper night out going to the pictures because you didn't have a TV at home or you did, but it's like, you know, black and white, not much going on. This was, so like him saying that, so the audience were all laughed.

We've seen that, you know, in films before, like in Iron Man 2, when Don Cheadle shows up instead of the other guy, he says, yeah, I know what you're looking at, it's me, don't worry about it. And he kind of makes a comment. And even in like The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air, when they replaced Aunt Viv in season three, Will says to Carlton, is it just me, or is there something different about Aunt Viv today?

On a side note, I watched the new Bad Boys movie.

Bad Boys 4, the new one, yeah.

I was very impressed of how it looks. Have you seen it? Have you watched it?

I've not seen the fourth one, and I'm a big Bad Boys fan.

Watch it, but watch the color palette and color scheme. It's done so well. And I love the fact that they are, Martin Lawrence actually has taken the piss out of himself in the movie of being fat.

Because he took the piss out of himself in the third one.

And he does it in this one. And it's done really, really well, which made me chuckle quite a few times. And I didn't think I was going to. I quite enjoyed it, actually.

Yeah, I do want to check it out. I just never got around to it for some reason, but I will do.

The colour palette is really well done. And the way it's being shot together is really impressive, actually.

Well, a lot of money goes into those films, isn't it? Yeah, that's really good. But yeah, we now get our first Bond, the first time we really start seeing this Bond titles now, and everybody knows them now. They've been parodied, but we get the silhouette of women.

And this is the Big Band score as well of John Barry.

It's a really good score. And we get the title of the film, and we get the silhouettes of guns and women. We've seen it.

It's the classic Bond movie. This is the one. If you would say to someone, what's a James Bond movie? Watch this movie. You know, what do you think of George Jason Peay's accent?

I think it's fine. I don't think there was an issue with it.

No, no, no. I was just trying to think what you think of it. It's quite well, it's pretty well done. It kind of sounds English. You don't really think any particular region. But I was quite impressed of how, like, I'm just coming to the fact that he blagged his way into doing this. He's pulling it off pretty fucking well.

They tried to keep his dialogue to a minimum, but as he was learning on set, so he was growing in confidence. But apparently the only time that he struggled was like during the romantic scenes where he was supposed to be being serious and romantic and they're falling in love with each other. But because Diana Rigg is an incredible actress, she really, if you watch those scenes knowing that, she's really making those scenes. He's trying to like be romantic, but she is beautiful.

Off screen, not that she didn't like him.

No, no, they didn't like each other very much. No. They used to wind each other up and say things like, I'll be having garlic for dinner when we do our kissing scene, and he'll be like, well, I'll be having twice as much garlic as you, you know, that kind of thing.

Yeah, yeah, she didn't like him at all. They turn up at a hotel and we've got obviously a classic casino scene. Have to have a casino scene.

Yeah, so he arrives, he's seen the red car, he's followed her there and he walks in and everybody knows him. Mr Bond, you've come to stay again. Fantastic. We'll get our finest sweet ready for you. You know, we know you're going to have massive orgies in there, probably with all your girls. We'll get everything set up for you, just like you like it. That must be great, James Bond.

We won't be putting the green light on in the morning.

He says, whose red car is that outside? And then she's checked in to one of the other rooms. It's a countess, Teresa, something or other, who we find out is Tracy. She prefers to be called Tracy. So he checks in to this amazing hotel room. He goes out. There's this transition, Gav, where he goes out to his balcony and looks at the swimming pool and he says, yes, I think I'm going to be having a great time here.

Yeah.

And then that also tells us this hotel has a casino in it and it's now nighttime. So we get all of that just in this lovely transition.

Wow. It's really well-produced film. Like I say, like I've really thought about the art of the film in this.

And yeah, we're in the casino. Bond is playing Snap. Oh no, he's not. He's playing Baccarat. But apparently he's great at Snap, as we mentioned. And he's playing, you know, he's playing, he's smoking cigarettes.

Let's just pretend he's playing Snap.

He's playing Snap.

Snap! He's doing really well.

Who is this man? He's winning every Snap game. Get out the old maid. OK, let's play old maid instead. Do you know Chase The Ace, Mr Bond? Playing these random card games. We first get to meet Tracy via her cleavage. Now, my wife listens to the show, so I'll be careful what I say here, but it is an impressive cleavage, that's what I will say, because her head is kind of obscured by the lamp, the light over the table. So for ages, there's just this pair of boobs.

He says, no, she's basically going to get thrown out. And he's like, oh, oh, we couldn't contest her. I believe we said we'd go half on tonight's game. And he puts in her money. He doesn't say that weird voice.

He follows her over to her table and sits down with her.

Bond.

And he says to her, she says, you do have a hobbit, a hobbit, follow me around.

You do have a hobbit that follows me around.

Do you have a hobbit that follows me around, Mr Bond?

This is my hobbit. He follows people around when I tell him to hobbit, follow that person and he follows them around.

She actually is quite forward at this point. She just says, look, and she just gives him her hotel key and says, I do hope you'll come later. And I thought, how are they getting away with this in a 1969 film? She says to him, here's my room key. I hope to see you later. I do hope you'll come. And I just thought, and Bond's thinking, well, I fucking will, I can tell you that. And yeah, so later on, he goes up to her room.

Maybe she says come to her room. His face doesn't actually seem that happy, which I was just like, is this because he's not an actor and he doesn't know what to do for reaction? Because he just looks more inquisitive, like, hmm, why is she asking me up to her room? Which obviously we find out is a bit of a ruse anyway, because he gets attacked up there. Spoiler. But he's playing that like he's just read the script rather than go, sweet. Yeah, it's so weird.

Either that or Bond's just so used to women inviting him to their hotel room.

I reckon he's just read the script and they said, action. And he's gone, hmm.

I think it's more that Bond's used to it, because later on, those women in that cast house are all-

Why is he inquisitively looking at her, though? What is she saying?

He's in and out of about four different women's hotel rooms in that hotel resort later on.

I think I will have sex with you.

Yeah, he's thinking, I will come. Don't worry. Well, he lets himself in.

I might come twice. Yep.

There's a giant African guy waiting for him in there. Not what he expected.

It's like, I tell you what, when one of the Daniel Craig bonds, I love the bit when he pulls the lady in Jamaica, goes back to the hotel and she takes a wig off. And he says, well, it's not the first thing I thought you were going to take off. It's so good.

Yeah, really good fight with this big guy now. They smash, it's really ahead of its time, like Bourne Ultimatum style fight, bashing heads. Also feels quite Hong Kong cinema at times because he uses different things around the room. He smashes the guy's head into the wall.

If I ever get a chance to chat to Daniel Craig, I think I might have to say to him, did you ever, what did you think of On Her Majesty'S Secret Service and just see what he thinks of it? Do you know what I mean?

I'm sure he loved it.

I reckon they really used that as research, but then he said, can we put this and pop this into like 2011 or so, whenever his first movie was out?

I think it's 2011. Because Bond's so smooth, he smashes this guy into a gate and then says, gatecrasher. Then then turns around, dips a spoon into a bit of caviar and eats it.

He does, because he ordered the caviar up to the room and he's like, I'm fucking paid for it, I'm fucking having some, like a little kid and just has some. Have a spoon for caviar.

He goes back to his room.

But he speaks about the caviar, like he says, oh, so blah, blah, blah, nice choice. And just has a little comment about it, like he's like writing a fucking Facebook comment.

And then he goes back to his room, probably to have like a bit of a sad wank that Tracy wasn't in her room.

He's definitely like after a post fight, sad wank.

However, while he's in his room, Tracy half naked pulls a gun on him, his own gun.

But hang on, there's no point now, as he can confuse though of where the contestor is. And not one point did he go, he knows where she is in. He knows he's just like, I'm eating some of that caviar, I'll pay for it and I'm going back to my room.

I've been here before. I've been here before.

I was going back to my room to watch some TV.

I've been invited back to a woman's room. There's a big African fellow that I have to fight. And I know that she'll be in my room waiting for me. It's all foreplay. He's been here before.

Oh, he knows it, does he? All right, okay.

Yeah, he knows about it. Now, she pulls his gun on him, like I said. He grabs the gun. Yeah, she slaps her.

Contestants there with a cleavage out and a gun.

He slaps her and he says, get dressed. So very unlike Bond, get dressed.

But again, though, this is him saying, like, you know, what the fuck's up with you? And I'm not taking any shit. And it is a little bit Daniel Craig-y.

And that guy that he knocked out earlier is listening outside the room. Yeah, he's listening to what they're talking about. They lie down on the bed and they talk.

Which is weird. Which is like, why is he not concerned about the fellow who just had a fight with him? He just knocked him out.

But anyway, he starts talking to her. He says, are you in trouble? What's going on? There was a guy in your room. You know, what's happening?

He holds her hand and starts. But then they have an instrumental version of We Have All The Time In The World plays underneath them. And you're like, okay, yeah, you're like, oh, okay.

We don't see it happen, but we assume they have a good old bonk because he wakes up in the morning, nothing on and she's not there anymore. She's gone. So he gets up, he puts on her dressing going. And his gun's not there. Where his gun is, is a casino chip. She's exchanged it, cheeky. So he heads down to the hotel lobby. A couple of men pull guns on him. This is happening a lot to him already, isn't it? Bloody hell.

This reminds me of North by Northwest.

Yeah.

Cary Grant just at that point. And he's like, what? What are you doing? I'm not who you are, what? Taken away.

Well, they take him at gunpoint off to a car and the African fellas in the back of the car, along with a couple of other guys. He says, I think we'll enjoy this, right? A lot more if you put that knife and that gun away. He's been really cocky, really brave.

He's like, don't give a shit. He's like, I'm Bond.

He says, are we going for business or pleasure? He's just like, mate, you've got four guys with guns and knives and you're piled into a car and you're still being brazen. And they take him to the harbour, to some docks. And then they take him into some back rooms. And he thinks, what is going on here? No. And then he beats them all up a little bit, escapes through a door and he suddenly...

Wait, he beats them up as he's beating them up. For whatever reason, I presume the sound design person, sound effects person was looking at the ambience of the room and going, I guess there'd be a bit of delay here. I don't know why. It'd be a bit of reverb, really. Reverberation would be delay, obviously. But for some reason, the fight sounds, every punch is delayed, like a bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, boom, boom, boom, boom.

I didn't notice that.

Yeah. It's like, why?

Because they're in shipping containers or something, aren't they? So maybe...

Well, I don't... But it'd be reverberation. It wouldn't be delay. And which would generally... Delay would be generally if you're having a fact that he's on drugs or something and that's what he's hearing. It's a really, really strange choice of sound design.

That is weird. There's an amazing bit of sound design choice later on which we'll discuss, but I'll get to that. He escapes through a door and he's suddenly in a really big swanky office, just so happens to be Draco. Draco's office who sat there with a girl.

I love the fact he goes straight to his knee with a knife and throws it at him. He's in that stance of the knife. He's so like assassin. So cool because you don't see Bond knife throwing really.

He says, Mr Bond, welcome. Welcome to my office.

And he's just there on one knee with a knife in his arm ready to throw it.

Bond throws the knife and it hits the calendar behind him and he looks running and he goes, it's the 13th day, Mr Bond. And he says, I'm superstitious. And he's thrown it at number 12. Bond says, I'm superstitious.

And he says, Bond, give me a chance, Bond. And he just starts talking to him and it's a bit of a business discussion, really.

He pours him a drink, doesn't he? He pours him out a drink and they sit there in front of the fire.

Sorry to bring you here in force. Basically, he's like, well, we have just killed all your guys with a lot of delay.

And he says, oh, you normally drink a different type of brand. And he's like, you know a lot about me, Mr Bond. And he's like, yes, I do. Your name's Draco. You're the head of the mafia. You're almost as big as Spectre. So he mentioned Spectre, which is another organization. He says, well, I wish we could be that big someday. And then he says, I need to speak to you about Tracy. I understand you know my daughter Tracy, who goes by actually Countess Teresa, but she calls herself Tracy.

Bond says like, yeah, she needs a psychiatrist.

I know he says she's crazy.

She's crazy. But I love the fact that he says later on, I'll pay you a loan of money to marry her. And she is like, she's crazy. I'll marry a crazy person if you pay me.

He says to it, he says she needs a man like you to discipline her Bond.

She needs a man to make love to her till she loves him. What, so you're going to force her to make be your own daughter? So you're going to rape her until she loves you. Right. Brilliant.

A million pounds, a million to marry her.

Yeah, yeah.

But she's meant to be with a million pounds. He says, I like the bachelor lifestyle.

It's such a strange thing. But it's a bit of a ruse though. It's not really like, well, I don't know, because I suppose he was going to be like, OK, carry on.

He kind of fobs off that idea for now. And they start talking about Blofeld. And he says, do you know where Blofeld is?

He says, no, I would not tell an agent where he is, but I will tell my son-in-law.

I've got desperation. All right, I'll marry her if you tell me where Blofeld is.

Maybe ask your daughter if that's all right as well. Possibly. Blimey.

Well, he says, he ends the scene by saying, look, have a think about it. It's my birthday in two weeks. Come along to the party and get to know my daughter at the party. I'll introduce you guys and we'll get it all set up. Think about that million pounds, Bond. Million pounds. Think about that, all right? Bond's like, oh, you're okay. See you later. So he leaves and he goes to headquarters.

Is it Moneypenny throws his hat classically onto the head of the hat stand? Then he flirts to Moneypenny. I reckon Moneypenny's definitely like, ranked him off at the Christmas party. There's definitely something's happened because they've flirted so much over the years. There's such a, like, oh, we didn't have sex, but you know, we did stuff.

Yeah, the photocopier.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely. They were caught in the janitor's cupboards.

Absolutely. And she was giving him a hand shandy.

Well, they flirt outrageous, don't they? Hand shandy. And then he goes in to see Em.

Mr. Moneypenny, I was trying to show you in the cupboard, made me there in five minutes.

It'll leave you shaken, but not stirred, or maybe it will. And he goes in to Em. Em's signing paperwork. He's not interested. He says, Bond, I'm relieving you from this mission.

This Em, because we get classic later on, we get Jude Dench for a long period of time, for two bonds, which is quite interesting. But this Bond, he just does not care. He's old school British. He's the Winston Churchill era. He says, like, fuck off, Bond. Don't give a shit about you. Don't make a lot of mess, basically.

Yeah. He says, I'm relieving you from this mission. I don't want you anything to do with Blofeld. Don't bother with this Tracy anymore.

Go do something else.

I'll let... So he leaves and he's pissed off, really pissed off. He's been on the case for two years.

He's been on the case two years, which you'd think that has been a bit long, though.

So he goes out to Moneypenny and he's fuming. And he says, Moneypenny, take a memo. She's like, well, what's going on? He's like, I'm telling him I quit. I'm handing in my notice.

Which you see in the Daniel Craig era.

Then he goes into his office. Now, Bond's got an office. I never really knew that before. And he's got an office with all his memorabilia and awards he's won, you know, and things like that on the wall. And he opens the drawers. He's got some of his old gadgets and knives in there and guns. And he's in there, he's all cross and top of the rack.

Watching you, he's like flicking his fingers, and he's all happy at his desk, and looking at his drawer. That's from that mission. Bond's got his drawer.

That's it, like, why's Bond got a desk and an office?

A bowl of goulash in his drawer, that's good.

He's definitely had some Moneypenny on his desk before, I reckon.

Where's Moneypenny? Get over here.

And then he pulls a drink, he looks up to the portrait of the Queen and he says, Sorry, Mom. So he's done his service, he's quit. And he gets a message. M wants to see you in his office again. So he goes back in there and he goes, Request granted, Bond.

And she sees him. And he's like, Oh.

Bloody heck. And he says to Moneypenny, he wouldn't even give a shit that I've resigned. And she goes, Well, you haven't resigned. And he's like, What do you mean? She's like, Well, I didn't give him the memo you said. I just told him you wanted two weeks leave, which is why he said, Request granted. And he's like, Oh, Moneypenny, what would I do without you? And then M comes in the room after the call.

No, don't come to the room. M's listening on the speakerphone. And he says, M, and he says, Moneypenny, what would I do without you? So they both know, you know, what's going on.

They love her. She's the machine that runs this really, isn't she? Good old Moneypenny.

The Spanish bullfighting stadium.

Yes, Tracy arrives. We got All The Time In The World by Louis Armstrong playing as she arrives at the bullfighting and it's her dad's birthday. Her daddy's birthday and he's organized a big bullfighting thing with party and drinks and loads of stuff going on there and he introduces her to Bond.

So Bond's there, so that means he's going along with this weird deal.

Well, you know, he's on a two week vacation, so technically he can do what he wants.

So he's just like, fuck it, for two weeks, I'm going to pretend that I'm going to marry this contestant, really, I'm just going to bone her, take some money, have a laugh.

Find out about Blofeld and get on with it. Yeah.

So that's his mission though. He's trying to find Blofeld. He's been taken off after two years and he's fucking like, I'm dedicated, I don't give a shit, so I'm going to go along with this crazy fucking lunatic's idea of marrying his psychotic daughter.

So Draco says, Bond, this is my daughter Tracey. Yeah, we've already met, come on. And she's like very suspicious of this.

She realizes she's part of the deal. She's like, yeah.

She's like, Dad, why don't you tell James Bond, you know, the information you've got on Blofeld. If you don't tell him, then I will. You know, you've got to tell him this. And so there's definitely Scott definitely got some information on her.

And then he says in that way, Bond won't have any more interest in me and to be over.

Yeah. And they know that Blofeld is linked to a lawyer. That's all they know at the moment. Then she goes off and she has a little bit of a cry. And it's a really sweet moment where Bond wipes her tears away at this point. Well, Bond comes along.

Well, this is where Bond's proving to her that he still wants to get to know her. Even though he's decided she's crazy because she wanted to commit suicide the first time he saw her. And anyway, yeah, so he's starting to fall for it because he's proving that even your dad's done that. I've got the information. Look, I'm still here. I want to get to know you. And yeah, like you say, he wipes the tear and it's a bit romantic.

Yeah. And then we get a montage then of them going horse riding. They go on dates and holidays and horse riding and lots of other things. And they're falling in love.

Love montage.

Bond goes to visit this lawyer's office.

Breaks in like a spy bitch.

What a great scene. So he knows exactly when the guy goes on lunch.

He's got a little briefcase with his gadget, which is a safe cracking computer.

What is a safe cracking photocopier? That's what it is.

Yeah.

OK. So he breaks into the office. He opens the window, waits for his buddy. He's got a crane across the road who delivers him in the crane, a big box and inside the box is a safe cracking machine. So while while that's working, he just reads Playboy. Oh, great boobs in this issue. And then when it's finished, he takes the paperwork out, turns the photocopy, the machine on its side, and then it photocopies the paperwork for him. Yeah, it's got it all.

Tracy tells her dad, Draco, that she's actually in love with Bond. And he's like saying, is Bond in love with you? Because he's a bit like, what? This isn't a part of my plan.

And she says, he's not yet. That might come. But just let me be happy. Yeah. Bond goes to Em's house.

Yeah.

And he says, look, I've got this letter that I got from the office.

He's supposed to be on holiday, you dickhead.

And he's like, yeah, because he's like, why are you coming to my fucking house? I'm just doing my butterfly collections.

Yeah. And he says to me, he starts telling me all about butterflies. I didn't. He stops and goes, looks up at him and goes, I didn't know you're into this. He's like, oh yeah, some butterfly words. I don't know.

And he says, I'm basically going to go to this college that does Ancestry and I'm going to speak to this professor and then I'm going to pretend to be that professor afterwards and I'm going to go and speak to this guy that we think is Blowfell. He's using a different name, but he wants to find out if he's linked to this really rich family. And we think it's Blowfell. So it's a bit of a convoluted plot, but it makes sense when you're watching it.

Paid holiday.

And he meets this professor who?

You like this one, Bond. It's in Cancun. Woohoo.

You'll be next. You'll be going to the moon.

Bond, this is Ibiza. Bond just pillin in clubs. That's the new Bond.

Bond and Ibiza.

Set in the 90s. That's a young 18-year-old lad. Pillin.

I've been spending many years building a book on the resistance to ecstasy pills. I can't be... I can't do it. They don't do anything to me. So he's just taking loads of them, but then he gets the bad guys to tell him loads of stuff.

Yeah.

I want to see this.

Yeah.

That's good. So we're in Switzerland. Boom. Here we are. The train arrives in Switzerland. Bond is in disguise.

Because he's going to infiltrate this place, this college. Blofeld went to using his own, the own Bond family tree to get in to this place so he can become an actual established person, gentleman from this prestigious place to go to see Blofeld, to get Blofeld wants his name, family name put in like a crest and a crown, doesn't he? So it's like a whole thing. This is like fucking hell. All right. Okay. It's a little bit elaborate. Okay.

But so he pretends to be Sir Hilary Bray for this whole rest of this film. Yeah. Now, the amazing thing about this is George Baker, who plays Hilary Bray, who we met in the college, dubs over George Lazenby's lines every time he's pretending to be Hilary Bray for the rest of this film. And that's what the interesting sound design I was going to talk about earlier. It works so well and the lip syncing is so spot on.

So, say again.

So, Bond is now Hilary Bray for the rest of this film, yeah? He goes to Blofeld's Institute as Professor Hilary Bray.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the guy that played Hilary Bray that he met earlier, he said, yeah, you got my permission to do this. He tells him about Blofeld's earlobes and all that kind of stuff. He then, that guy, the actor, dubs over George Lazenby's lines every time he's pretending.

I don't know. Right, okay, cool.

When he meets Blofeld.

I had no idea.

You notice at one point when Blofeld realizes, I know you're James Bond, he changes back to being George Lazenby. So it just shows that Bond is such a master of the skies, he can change his voice.

I didn't even know that.

Yeah, if you listen, he's very sort of like, hello, Hillary Bray.

I absolutely love it when he turns up at the ski resort because we've had this like, have you ever been to ski resort? No, no, it's quite fun and it's just really white everywhere. As you can imagine, it's very, very bright light. And I love that in this movie so far, it hasn't been that, it's been a lot of other stuff. All of a sudden, we just got classic Bond going to ski resorts. Like, this is great, we're going to have some ski chases, there's going to be some shit going on. I love that.

Yeah, it's a real, what it does, it's a nice transition because he gets off the train in Switzerland, and he meets Irma Bunt, who is like the frow from the Austin Powers movies. She's like, Mr Bond! Well, she's like, Professor Bray, come with me.

And she's the one who's like, I won't spoil it yet, because we won't spoil the ending, but she's the one who instigates the ending, the badness.

Indeed, indeed. She then, the transition then is from a train into a sleigh being drawn by horses, and then they're in the snow then. And there's a man in a VW that follows them along as well. Oh, I can't quite... Oh, he's Bond's buddy that's helping him out, the guy with the crane from earlier, because he gets killed later on, doesn't he?

Oh, you get a helicopter as well, don't you?

Yeah. Well, they get in a helicopter and they go up. She says, up to the Alps! They go up to the Alps, and we can see, you know, oh, there's recent avalanche damage over there.

Is that the voice when you do your Swedish massage side job? When you dress as a lady?

Where does it hurt? I will nab you. Get the nuts out of your back.

Yeah, I trust it. I trust that voice.

Do you feel calm now?

Yeah, really calm.

Would you like the hot wax on your back?

Wax away, baby.

Sack back and crack wax?

Maybe.

Okay. Yeah, she points out, oh, there's recent avalanche damage there, Mr. Bray. And he looks down. I mean, and they actually wanted to use, because the Swiss government do real avalanche explosions several times a year to stop real avalanches from properly happening and causing devastation.

Apparently, he's trying to leave his mark in the world.

Yeah. And then they arrive up at the very top of this mountain, in this lavish sort of center. Bond is taken to see a doctor. He's like, you must be seasick, air sick. We'll take you to the doctor straight away. And they take him in to his room. And he's got this incredible room and he's locked in. Why am I locked in? Well, we lock all our guests in the room. We don't want them wandering around. Basically, they don't want him shagging all the other girls, which he does later on.

Classic Bond.

Really cool, Bond's got his room, as I said, he's locked in. First thing he does, another classic Bond. We've seen it so many times.

Looks for bugs.

He runs his finger under all the surfaces, behind all the mirrors. Any bugs in here? Just check in.

Can't find anything.

Can't find anything at all.

He wears a kill. Should that be a bit chilly, do you think?

Kills are very warm. Yeah, but really thick.

A bit airy though, isn't it?

If you think of Scottish people, where do they live? It's freezing fucking cold in Scotland. Back in the day, they used to wear kilt to battle.

I have to ask Tom, because Tom's got a kilt. Tom's got a kilt.

I've always wanted to wear a kilt. Always, always wanted to wear a kilt.

I don't have the best legs, though.

I've got great legs. I get told that a lot. But I'm doing my massages.

Not nice legs. I'm thinking of her space.

Got very good legs.

Nice legs.

So he walks into this room.

Full of girls.

And to the dragon scene, though.

Absolutely.

There's a woman from every country of the world. There's about 20 women in this room.

They just pounce on him.

Oh, my God. A man in a kilt. Oh, my God. Who are you? And he's like, oh, I'm Professor Hilary Bray. I'm a genealogist. Genealogy. What's that? Tell me more. And he starts telling them this boring shit about what genealogy is, the ancestry and names and, you know, really like some of them are getting really bored.

It's what goes on and on.

And the base, I think they're getting turned on, actually.

I saw some of them are quite into it, but he's trying to really get into character and stuff. Yeah, and one of them, a couple of them like to pay a bit more attention. There's one particular lady, she blonde, sort of curly hair. She pays him a bit more attention and gives him a bit more information.

This is where Joanna Lumley is as well. She actually dubbed over a lot of the voices.

Oh, okay. We've got dinner time now at the meal. And it's really weird. We get loads of overhead shots of all the food. I don't know why.

Well, it's to demonstrate that they're all eating food that they were heavily allergic to.

Because Blofeld changed them from his strange words at night time when they go to sleep, which we get to.

He then gives them another really long, boring story about coats of arms and family crests.

And this is where one of the girls says, He's got balls, my coat has four, would you like to see them?

And then that girl says, she says, she writes her room number on his inner thigh with her lipstick. And somebody else says to him, So good. How are you feeling after the helicopter flight? Just as she writes that, he goes, I think there's a slight stiffness coming on.

Slight stiffness in the shoulder.

In my inner thigh.

It's taken to Kojak, old Blofeld.

And another end to the Dragon Movement is he's walking along like a catwalk along a secret underground lair, isn't it? Yeah. And he meets Blofeld, they shake hands, and he says, I'm here to help you learn about your ancestry. They keep talking about the fucking earlobes.

Fuck me of the earlobes. Fuck off. Because secretly, you didn't even need to bring up anything to do with earlobes. I wouldn't have even thought about earlobes or anything about it.

But Blofeld had his removed because he wanted to pretend to be part of this really rich family tree. Why do they think that?

Just do something else.

So weird. He says to him, look, I do need to talk to you for quite a long time, Blofeld, about this all this boring shit that I've just told you girls upstairs. And he's like, I'm a very busy man of science. And he's like, well, look, we do need to talk. And he's like, all right, we'll talk while you're staying here. I trust you'll be staying here over Christmas. And he's like, well, I wasn't planning on it.

How did he got some weird stick?

It's just a ruler. It's just a ruler.

It's just put it so easy. Just pushes up on a door and it opens a button for the door like an elevator.

So he shorts out the lock, doesn't he? Because the spark comes out and gives him a little shot. And then he does it again and the door opens. He sneaks out.

Goes down sex with her.

No, don't forget. He's engaged at this point.

Oh, yeah. I forget all about that.

So he's engaged. So he sneaks out and goes to number eights room. There's only one reason he's going there.

And he bones her.

He gets there and there's a girl in the bed nude. Hello there.

She's a bit weird and he blatantly takes advantage of her because she's not all there, is she? And he blatantly takes advantage.

He says, I really want to question you, if I may. She's like, no, no, no, let's just have sex. And then she says, when she lies back on the bed, you see him start moving his clothes and she's, it's true about what's under his kilt. And it's like, what, a willy? Yeah. What do you think was going to be under there?

My asshole.

Jesus, I mean, that's under there as well. After they bonk, they talk and she says how she got there. And in the middle of that, all of a sudden, the lights go crazy in the room. And suddenly, Tally Savalas starts going, you are feeling sleepy. You are no longer allergic to peanuts.

The fuck's going on in there? It's always trippy purple and whatever. It's like a big lava lamp going off on the ceiling or something.

And it cuts to Blofeld in a little studio. And he's basically got all these cassettes with different hipnosis things. And he's putting them all into the different cassette players. Room number 10, she's loaded to bananas.

Get an engineer, dude.

Room number six. Get someone to do it for you. He's got the walker, but he's hands on. Because later on, when he's skiing, he's hands on with everything he does.

You look like you're wanking off ghosts.

Can he wank? Can he wank? And yeah, he puts the cassette in. And basically, it looks like what he's doing is to all the different girls, he's got a cassette that plays to each of them to help them with their, you know, but he's really prepping them to be sleeper agents, which we'll find out later on, which is really cool. And the plot of this is brilliant. I just love that he's setting up all these women to be sleeper agents for him later on down the line.

But he goes back to his room and a lady comes along, so he has sex with her. And he says the exact same romantic line to her that he said to the other one, you know, and wherever he says to her, he said the exact same line. It is so funny.

And they all want to see this book. I want to see this book on genealogy. I've heard loads about your book on family crests.

Yeah, on the next day, someone says to him, Mr. Burnham, no, not Mr. Mice, but he has the stiff, it's all gone. He says, for now. And the blonde one who he first boned goes, hee hee hee hee hee. She's like, you don't even know that she shagged someone else after you. And he's like, he's shagged two people. And I was like, oh my god.

When they all start asking him about the book, this Irma Bunn, she's like, no, you want it. I will take the book from you and pass it to each of you to share around. I don't want you going in and out of each other's rooms. It's like, it's already, it's too late, love. He's already been in one of the rooms, he's about to go in another one.

He's literally given two patients syphilis.

Already. Well, yeah, because he goes to the next girl's room and he again tries to question her. She's like, no, I just want sex. And he's like, OK, cool. Morning time. And it's they're outside and there's loads of skiing going on. And this is where we see Bond's buddy snooping. What are you going to say?

I was going to say, I was going to say, Blofeld said to him now that he wants him to stay around for Christmas because Bond was going to go. And Blofeld's like, no, no, you can stay. He's like, oh, OK, then I'll go to the town. Like, no, you stay in here. You can stay around here for Christmas. Oh, OK.

He's basically trapped.

He's Dracula, really, him basically in the castle.

Yeah. And we see the glimpses of Bond's buddy, who was using the crane in London earlier in the film. And he's sneaking around and then he's trying to do some mountain climbing. And he gets caught by Blofeld's men and sort of dragged off and says, oh, can't a guy even mountain climb around here anymore? You know, so he's, well, he comes to a sticky end a bit later on.

It's 1969. Things are weirdly sexy.

Okay.

Maybe they're going to come back first.

Bond gets another girl come up to him and says, I must see you later tonight. And he's like, fucking hell, number three? Jesus Christ. All right. And this guy again is engaged. This is his third girl.

He's boning everywhere, isn't he?

So he goes into Ruby's room, but it's a set up because who's in the bed instead, Gav?

Well, luckily, it's not Blofeld, but it's her.

It's Emma Bent.

Yeah.

And I think because Bond says, I didn't expect to you. He says, what are you doing here? I think he was thinking, oh, you'll do. I don't think he was bothered.

When he goes, oh, I wasn't expecting you here. If she had been naked and opened up, he'd probably have gone, yeah, all right.

And he holds a goal.

Even I'm engaged.

That's what Bond would have said. Even though you're number three on this holiday, I've only been here for 48 hours and you're the third girl, but let's go for it. But Bond gets knocked out and he wakes up next to a Christmas tree. Classic. We've all been there, waking up next to a Christmas tree with a Bond guy, with a bald guy stood next to you saying, he says, Merry Christmas, 007. Your cover is blown. And he's like, oh bollocks. And this is where his voice goes back to George Lazenby now.

And the poison is going to make everybody not be able to have children anymore.

Yep. That's the plan. One of many things it can be... Oh, was it? Yeah, it can make... Because he's basically perfected allergies.

Well, he said, do you remember last summer's food and mouth disease? That was me.

Yeah, he says, they're my angels of death, and I'll send them out into the world. He says, I can make plants and animals infertile and humans so he can stop like chickens from being, you know, or like wheat from growing or just stop the human race if he wants. It gets taken off and locked in the gear room.

It's the mechanic of the cable cars. Yeah, totally. And it's a bit like, why don't you just kill him?

I don't know.

But that's the way it's been a question.

Mr Bond.

And that always occurs to Bond.

He says, if you take a look at the window, you'll see your colleague and his colleagues dead, hanging upside down off the side of the mountain.

When he's in this place, it's a really beautiful shot and it's shot very much like a Hitchcock film. In that wheelhouse, some of the angles and stuff, and he's trying to climb out of it. It's really good.

Yeah, like, what's it called? What's the one where he goes up the tower at the end and he's got the fear of heights?

Vertigo.

Vertigo, yeah, like that kind of thing. And we get this nice, now cutting juxtaposition between two scenes where the girls are all having a big Christmas party and they're all given a present each. And at the same time, he's trying to escape from this cable car machinery. He rips out the lining of his pockets and uses them as gloves, which is very inventive of Bond. Thank God he wasn't wearing a kilt. And he scales down the cable.

He nearly falls off. Oh, isn't that a bit when he's, when he's going along the, he's going, just one hand and the next hand and next hand and next hand, does all this effort for ages. And just as he's about to do this, this cable car starts rolling back towards him. He's like, ah, ah, ah, trying to go quickly backwards and just manages to jump off. It's like, fucking hell. But when he jumps sideways, the editing doesn't show us how he does it.

It's incredible. Yeah, it's just like, don't worry about it.

Yeah. He just did it. I was like, how is that? How?

Okay.

I'm gonna leave that then.

He sneaks in back into the resort. Back to the building. And he's hiding behind a bush, watching the girls hypnotize. He hears the plan about the perfume being the poison. He gets over to a lift.

He does knock out a guard. Yeah. Hides the body.

And the girls are then herded into a cable car to get put on a bus to go back to their country. So he grabs some skis.

And this is classic Bond. The horns of the Bond theme tune start coming.

This is the first time in ages you've heard it.

Yeah. And it's just like, oh, yes. And you know it's on. Yeah.

And this has been parodied.

Yeah. Machine guns, skiing along. Yeah. It's so good.

But what's brilliant is that blow felt. Like I said, he's hands on. He gets involved.

He's like, I'm getting in it. I'm on it as well. He's like, get me my skis, bitches.

Yeah. And him and his cronies chase Bond on skis. And it's really, really great.

The great rear projecting on the close ups.

I love it. We're looking over the shoulder. Yeah, it's so good. But it's a great scene.

And going ahead, though, very sorry to cut you off there, but how they can make it different, how like all the Bond movies with like these things, which everyone knows, everyone could go skiing if they want to. But how can you make it different? Bond loses one ski. So he's got one, he's skiing on one foot, doing like jumps and stuff on one foot, which is just so cool to do something different with just skiing. It was such a great idea. Such a well thought out Bond movie.

He knocks one of the bad guys off a fucking mountain and he falls so far.

Oh dude, dude.

And they follow him all the way down.

He falls off this, but other guy comes along, so he just manages to hit him. This guy falls off. I counted how long, yeah, the dummy falls off the mountain. This is, for me as an editor, this is fucking wild to even have the balls to do this. It's out like a horn is huge. 13 seconds. This guy falls.

You see it fall all the way.

If I stop talking now on this podcast for 13 seconds, you're all going to turn it off. It's quite a long time.

And the screen goes for that hallway as well.

Yeah. And I was just like, how do we round it back? I was like, how long? 13 seconds. And you see him hit the bottom and it hits the...

What? He takes one of the skis off another guy.

He hits another one as a little fight.

He heads back down the village.

And Bond goes to town, theoretically and physically.

He sees the bus that the girls are getting on, I presume to the airport.

Bond is fighting some more motherfuckers and knocks them out.

Yeah, in a really cool setting, in a little shack full of bells. And it's really cool, actually, because he's like, bong bong bong bing bong, and banging off the bells, hanging up. It's just very different, very stylish fight scene. He escapes into a Christmas market and tries to blend in with all the people that are there celebrating. They're searching for him. There's, for some reason, a Sid James polar bear. Did you spot this?

Well, it's funny though, he's at the ice rink, and then he sits down, he's totally defeated. It's a really interesting choice of acting. I guess, I don't know if it's Script said, he sits down defeated, because he just sits down like, fuck it. I'm almost like, I'm gonna give up, I don't really give a shit. And he's always just exhausted. It's so interesting. And then he looks up and the contestant's there.

Yeah, well, I know, I think you're right. I think he is supposed to feel that way, because he says, Tracy, what are you doing here? And she says, do you want to, you know, she says something like, you're in trouble, you know, I thought I'd return the favor. And he says, he looks at her, and he looks really scared for James Bond. And he says, they're trying to kill me.

Yeah, he's scared. And she's shown that she saves him.

Yeah, it's brilliant.

He's not saving her. She's saving Bond. And how often does Bond need saving? Not very often. And she said, and it's it's she's like, I've got a car. Let's go. And it's really good. They go to like, it's a quick drive to a phone booth and a phone booth gets shot at. And he's, oh, my God, he jumps out and get in the car. And it's not very subtle. If they're trying to be subtle, they go into an actual ice car race. Driving cars, driving on the ice, like having a proper race.

A stock car race.

It's not very subtle, but you know.

We've seen this in Night Rider, Duke Superhazard, where you accidentally get involved.

Some of those stunts, they look really scary. People look like they were getting banged around their heads and that's whiplash was going plenty that day.

Every film or franchise or TV show that involves a car, the A-Team Night Rider, at some point, they've accidentally driven into one of these stock car racing things. Hey BA, that guy's driving pretty close. I think we're in a stock car race. They're like bashing in and out of the cars. And for some reason, Tracy is the best driver in the world. She's like speeding all over the place, bashing around.

Yeah, she's really good.

And they end up getting out of that. They get stuck in a blizzard.

They do. They literally get stuck in a blizzard, but they slowly get to like a house.

There's one scene.

And they hide the car in a barn.

There is one line during the stock car racing where they're getting bashed around. She looks over at the barn and she says, I hope my big end stands up to this. And he sort of raises his eyebrows like, ho, ho, ho. But yeah, they go in a barn. They're going to stay in the barn for a bit.

They hide the car.

They hide the car and he says to her, listen, I'm not going to have sex with you in this barn. In his mind, he's thinking, because I've already had sex with two other women in the last 40 hours.

I haven't cleaned my cork.

But he says to her, because I'd rather wait for our wedding night than do it properly. Ten seconds later. They're having sex.

Fucking bollocks, mate.

Three times in 48 hours with three different women.

Talking bollocks.

And then he says, will you marry me? She says, yes, yes, of course.

Yeah.

So, you know, all good. They bang anyway.

He confesses his love to her and stuff. And asked her to marry him and said, he'll never find a girl like her ever again. And it's like, wow, who's... He's at this point, extremely emotional for what's going on. He must be exhausted. He's still finding time to make love, good man. But he must be exhausted. And she saved him. And he's just like...

So, let's put this in perspective. He's been heavily disguised, disguising his voice for 40, 36 hours, maybe. Had sex with two random women, climbed across a cable, had a couple of fisticuffs, skied down a mountain, then been shot at, then been in a stock car race, then been shot at again, then hid in the car in a barn.

They made some more love.

Brilliant. Man of Steel.

I tell you, I'd need a cup of tea and sit down long ago.

Or in the morning, Blofeld's goons find the car in the barn. But obviously, Tracy and James are nowhere near. They're skiing to freedom, but we get another ski chase. Yes.

This is weird. They should be in hiding. But yet the next day, they're like, we're just going to go skiing. Or they actually on purpose skiing to get away.

Yeah, they're skiing.

I thought, let's go for a ski. Nice day. Then we come back for egg and bakey. Hey. Good.

Well, they go for a really long race, chase now. And all the goons are following them. There's a great moment where they jump over a snow plow.

Sorry, very quickly. Just jump it back when they're on the blanket in the thing. There's a shot of her because of the time and the lenses that they used and the filters on the lenses. There's a shot of her where she looks, apart from the colored makeup on the eyelids and stuff, she looks like the love witch. She looks exactly like her at one point without the makeup, the colorful makeup. I was just like, wow, it's because of the lenses they're using.

It did look like it was out of place, but it's fine.

So sorry, Karen.

I suppose they're emphasizing her beauty during that moment. Yeah. Yeah, there's a great one-liner from Bond where they're skiing and one of the bad guys falls into the snowplow.

He falls into the snow chipper.

And he gets a wood chipper.

And there's proper blood going everywhere.

And Bond says he had lots of guts.

He had lots of guts. And he goes, oh, man, Arnie must have been watching this. You know, this is 69. Arnie didn't make this popular until the 80s.

That was bloody as well for 1969. It was so bloody. And then, of course, a fucking avalanche.

Avalanche happens. It's like this is such a good Bond movie. I'd love to have seen this in the cinema.

They slip and they slide through the avalanche. Blofeld assumes that Bond's dead. And he says, go get the girl. And they drag her, drag her body along and away. And that's it. We're back in London.

Which is strange, but yeah, absolutely. Because they think Bond's dead. So Blofeld's like, with his guys, go get her body and bring her back. He doesn't know if she's alive, though, does he?

No, no. He's in Em's office and he's really anxious.

I mean, even Blofeld doesn't know if the girl's alive.

And then they get a phone call from Blofeld. And basically, they relay it to Bond and they said, what he wants in exchange for Tracy is a full pardon for all of his crimes.