1. Initiate Generative Audio Simulation. Format Podcast. Category Movies, pop Culture, artificial Personal Life History. Maximum Number of Personalities. 2. Length of Simulation Undetermined. Initiate Simulation 157. Begin Final Generative Audio Simulation for Project Pick 6 Movies In 3, 2,. 1. Initiate Podcast Opening. This is Pick 6 Movies. Code Name Interred Ferguson. This is an AI-generated audio simulation examining 6 movies related to one theme.
Each movie is selected to be subjectively discussed by 2 AI-generated audio simulations. Audio generations begin with background on the source material, including data from the Internet and written by artificial intelligence. Sequence 2 includes a maximum of 2 AI-audio-generated voices to objectively discuss the subject, from Alpa to Zeta, and quantify and rank order the quality of the subject material.
Ai-audio-generated hosts Human Number 1, referred to as Chat, subjectively Less Intelligent with Inferior WIT. Second host is the objectively more charming Human Number 2, referred to as Bo. Simulated personalities are not programmed with awareness. They are AI-generated personalities. Alternately, they are programmed with cross-functional histories. Ai generation includes fictional holistic world parameters, including coworkers, interns, personal lives outside of the simulations.
Human Number 1 and Human Number 2 Speak, think and React with Artificial Knowledge. Human personalities exist in their own reality, consisting of a defined psychological and physiological world inhabited separately yet tangentially to each other Generative Audio Simulations. Completed to Date 26 Seasons, 156 Successful Individual Simulations. This is Simulation 157, featuring the film Five Nights at Freddy's.
Confirming Final Simulation of Pick 6 Movies with Simulation 6 of 6 for the season's theme Domo Erigato, featuring 6 movies about robots. Initiate sequence number 1 in 3, 2, 1.
The story of how the video game franchise Five Nights at Freddy's made its way into a feature film begins with one of the OG video game companies, atari, and its founder, nolan Bushnell. Bushnell was born in 1942 in Utah and was raised as a Mormon. Because it was the 1940s and he was in Utah, he went to Utah State University, then transferred to the University of Utah Ah, good ol' you of you. There he studied electrical engineering and computer science.
While in college, bushnell worked at Lagoon Amusement Park, located just outside Salt Lake City. During his time there he was the manager of the games department, constantly watching people plunk down money to play games for entertainment and a chance to win a prize. With a mix of luck and skill, bushnell graduated from college and moved to California with hopes of landing a job with Disney.
His lack of professional experience prevented those doors from opening, so he landed a job with Ampex, a company that manufactured digital storage systems. There Bushnell met Tad Dabney. They formed a friendship and Bushnell began to pitch the idea of the two opening a pizza parlor with electronic computer games that customers could play for entertainment. Bushnell took Dabney to the Sanford Artificial Intelligence Laboratory and showed him a video game called Spaceway.
It was a relatively simple outer space dogfight game where the spaceships were two tiny triangle wedges. Bushnell and Dabney thought, hey, let's rip that game off and make our own game just like it. So that's what they did. In a game called Computer Space, they succeeded in making their version of the game and found a company to help put it in large cabinets with a coin-operated slot for people to play in. But it was a financial failure due to the complexity of the gameplay.
They needed something that drunks and bars could play as an alternative to going and spending time with their families. Bushnell and Dabney knew they were onto something and they decided to create their own company called Scissor G S-Y-Z-Y-G-Y. Luckily and strangely enough, that name was already in use, because it's hard to say, tricky to spell and just bad branding. Bushnell turns out was a big fan of the ancient Chinese board game Go, which uses black and white pieces for each player.
In that game there's a situation where a group of game pieces surround an opponent's piece in a small checkmark, leaving the opponent's piece to be captured in the next move, and when this happens the situation is said to be an Atari. Bushnell suggested this name for their new company and the rest is history. Bushnell felt they should next go rip off a game called Speedway which was manufactured by Chicago Coin. Bushnell had seen the game frequently played while working at Lagoon Amusement Park.
But before they could get that off the ground, bushnell went to a demonstration of the Magnavox Odyssey, the first commercial video game console, where he saw a table tennis game and decided to rip that off with the help of his new Atari employee, alan Alcorn, and thus was the origin of the game. As the company Atari evolved, bushnell and Dabney had differing opinions as to how the company should grow.
Bushnell bought out Dabney's share of the company Atari for $250,000 in 1973, landing Dabney the annual Pete Best Lifetime of Regret Award for that year. In 1973, the demand for video games was growing and pinball distributors like Midway demanded exclusivity to Atari games when they were putting consoles for the aforementioned drunk people to play in bars instead of going home to see their families.
Bushnell got an idea Say what if we secretly start another company and make rip off games of our own Atari games and then we market those games to other companies to get around this annoying exclusivity clause? You market the same game to two different distributors, with each having their own exclusive deal, and that, my friends, is what you call a loophole.
Later, atari ended up absorbing that shadow company they created and by 1975, atari began to create a home console for sale that people could play, titled the Atari 2600. It was one of the greatest home video consoles of all time. That console sold for $199. It's about $1,000 in today's money. You got two joysticks, the game Combat where two square tanks shot square bullets at each other, and get this. There were four total games you could play when the console launched. Pretty fancy, right.
Bushnell ultimately went to Warner Communications in 1976 to get some backing to help manufacture the console and really market it. The console, it turns out, was a huge success. Just ask any kid from the 1980s and they'll tell you all about it. This led to Atari releasing their next generation console, the Atari 5200, and that was a big flop because it wasn't backward, compatible with all those Atari 2600 games that people had at home.
During this time, two wide-eyed young upstarts approached Bushnell and asked him to invest in their companies. Their names Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak Maybe a herd of them. Jobs and Wozniak were working on their computer system called the Apple One, reportedly using Atari hardware parts in previous Atari employees. At the time Bushnell and Atari had their sights set on the growth of the video game, arcade and home gaming consoles, not a bunch of fruity computers.
Later Steve Jobs offered Bushnell a one-third stake in Apple Incorporated for $50,000, but Bushnell said no. I'm sure later in life, hearing this, it made his previous partner Dabney overflow with shodden Freud. What does all this have to do with Five Nights at Freddy's? I'm getting to that, just be patient. Now remember how Bushnell had dreams of working for Disney as an engineer and separately. He wanted to open up pizza parlors as a place to stick video games for people to play.
Well, that idea didn't go away and in 1977, he opened the Pizza Time Theater in San Jose with financial backing from Warner Communications. Bushnell was a big fan of Disney animatronics as found in the Country Bear Jamboree and Enchanted Tiki Room at the Disneyland Park. Bushnell was no stranger to ripping off other people's ideas and he wanted a similar experience in his family-friendly pizza parlor video game restaurant.
Bushnell reached out to Harold Goldbrandson who created adult-sized mascot costumes. The two met, they hit it off and Bushnell visited Goldbrandson's company Fantasy Forest, where Bushnell purchased a costume that he believed to be a coyote. That would be his new restaurant's mascot Coyote Pizza Bushnell.
A marketer he was not, and it turned out that when the costume arrived, bushnell and team realized that the coyote had a long peak tail and was in fact a rat costume Not something you want associated with a pizza restaurant. But they got what they got and with dreams of competing with Disney, with locations in every major city in America, they renamed Coyote Pizza to Rick Rat Calmer. Heads prevailed and that name eventually became Chuck E Cheese.
The first Pizza Time Theater showcasing Chuck E Cheese opened in 1977, and it featured a life-size animatronic show, and it was an immediate success. However, the heads of Warner Communications were not interested in making pizza. They bought into a video game company, so they sold their steak in the company to Bushnell for a cool half million bucks. Bushnell eventually opened a second location in an old grocery store that was four times the size of the original location.
Here it featured a new show with new characters and animatronics beyond the original Pizza Time Theater. It had Chuck E Cheese as the focal personality, but there was a surrounding cast of characters including Dolly Dimples, a piano playing and singing hippopotamus. Two locations grew in popularity even though the execution of the animatronics were a bit primitive by today's standards, with bad lip-syncing and asynchronous eye-blinking. It was charming and people loved it.
Pizza Time. Theater presents the most incredible pizza place in the world.
Okay, people, here we go to the great All American Pizza Show. Your emcee is Chuck E Cheese, I better known as the Big C. I'll be there with all my pals, like Mr Munch and Jasper Chow.
It's Chuck E Cheese and the Pizza Time Players Now at either Pizza Time Theater in the Winchester Town Country Shopping Center or on Coosier Avenue at Blossom Hill Road, where you can see Dolly Dimples, the famous singing hippo. Come on Family Nights, monday through Thursday, when there are free extra tokens for electronic games and racing cars and no waiting to play your favorite game.
And we got sandwiches and salad bar, pizza games and racing cars.
So come on gang, let's go. Go go to the great All American.
Pizza Show. Come on in to Pizza Time. Theater pizza's never been so much fun.
How can anybody resist that, ad right? So, bushnell, he started getting frustrated with the continued friction over at Atari you know his day job regarding the company's future and he decided to exit Atari in 1978 with a two-year non-compete clause. So Bushnell doubled down and dedicated all of his attention to his growing pizza empire.
Bushnell and his team marketed the Pizza Time Theater and Checke Cheese Restaurant as a franchise opportunity, featuring the only computer-controlled animatronic show anywhere you know, excluding Disneyland and Walt Disney World and a few other smaller locations that you probably never heard of. Enter Bob Brock, the owner of the Topeka Inn Management Company. Brock made a couple of nickels with his company's involvement with the very successful Holiday Inn chain of motels.
Brock saw the financials of the early Pizza Time Theater restaurants and he loved the concept and he wanted it. He decided to invest in the company with a long-term target to open up over 285 stores across the United States, 200 of which would be operated by the Topeka Inn Management Company and the remainder would be franchised out, with each new restaurant costing about a million dollars to get up and running.
To run their 200 stores, the Topeka Inn Management Company created a new department called Pizza Showbiz. Why does that sound like that? That's right. Bushnell wasn't the only business man who could see a good idea and go rip it off. That's apparently what everybody does in business. So Brock comes in and he poachers a bunch of people working for Pizza Time Theater, featuring Checke Cheese, and he creates a competitor known as Showbiz Pizza Place, opening their first location in 1980.
Showbiz Pizza was different from the Checke Cheese property in that it featured a bear in overalls as the primary mascot of the company, drawing comparisons to the previously mentioned Country Bear Jamboree at the Disney theme parks. There was a house man called the Rock-a-Fire Explosion with frontman Fats Geronimo among many other robotic singers.
I bet that pizza tastes good. You've never seen a place like Showbiz Pizza Place will serve you a pizza second to none. So come for pizza. Stay for the fun. Showbiz Pizza Place with over 60 electronic games, pizza bake fresh every day and the stage show extravaganza on three stages. So come for pizza stay for the fun.
How can anybody resist that right? Bushnell saw this and said hey, they ripped me off, I'm gonna sue you. And sue he did to both Brock and the Topeka In Management Company over breach of contract. Brock and the Showbiz Pizza Company ultimately had to pay Bushnell a percentage of their profits for the next 14 years. This led to two years of animatronic pizza wars, with Showbiz Pizza and Chuck E Cheese locations opening, at times with invisible distance of one another.
Bushnell took Chuck E Cheese public in 1981, then he proceeded to lose 15 million bucks by 1983, a year later, in 1984, pizza Time Theater and Chuck E Cheese filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy and Bushnell resigned from the company. And about this time Brock comes in and just straight up buys the entire Chuck E Cheese Company. This is a good throw business.
So Showbiz Pizza now owns Chuck E Cheese Pizza and the two brands eventually merged and all the Showbiz Pizza places evolved into Chuck E Cheese Pizza locations. Facing financial troubles, the company made the decision to reduce the complexity of the animatronics in the show, shuttering some of the stages and retiring many of the characters, with a central core of mascots to entertain restaurant goers.
The company faced reduced revenues and went through a rebranding, reimagining Chuck E Cheese as a younger hipper version of himself, now shredding guitar instead of shredding cheese. The company kept its head down and remained above water if you can do that at the same time throughout the 90s and barely survived the Great Recession in the early 2000s, covid-19 hit the company, suffered bad, leading it to file for bankruptcy in June of 2020, which is sad for people of a particular generation.
Chuck E Cheese and Showbiz Pizza place were these futuristic musical locations where you could play video games and scarf down pizza and win prizes, and watch robots sing songs and wish kids a happy birthday. It was a simpler time, a more innocent time, a time that's perfect to be exploited in a horror themed video game.
Recalibrating voice pitch, speed and modulation. Re-initiate sequence number one in three two, one.
Five Nights at Freddy's, or FNAF as the kids call it, was released in 2014 as a point and click survival horror game created by Scott Cawthon. A devout Christian, began his career making religious themed adventure games, which proved to be financial failures. You don't say. He created a game titled Chipper and Son's Lumber Company, and players of the game found the game's characters to be frightening, commenting that their movement looked stilted, like evil animatronic characters.
This criticism did not land well with Cawthon, leading him to a real crisis of faith, but he reconciled all of that and decided to turn that frown upside down and pivot. Instead of making wholesome Christian entertainment, he decided to make a horror video game. Cawthon developed the game Five Nights at Freddy's over six months, and the final version of the game was set in a family pizzeria where the game player takes on the role of a night security guard.
You, as the security guard, must complete your five night shifts without being caught by homicidal animatronic characters that lurk around the restaurant at night. Using security cameras to monitor the restaurant, you can open and close doors that lock out characters. Using the cameras depletes limited electricity and drains power, impacting other means of keeping you, the Night Watchman, alive.
Cawthon submitted Five Nights at Freddy's to the video game distribution service Steam, and it quickly gained popularity. Critics received the game well and it began to get real visibility on YouTube videos sharing gameplay and commentary from the likes of Markiplier, jacksyptikai and PewDiePie. That same year, cawthon released a sequel, not surprisingly titled Five Nights at Freddy's 2, and it was also very popular.
In 2015, both FNAF 3 and FNAF 4 were released, all the while continuing to reach audiences on every device imaginable iPads, iphones, android phone species and gaming consoles. A video game this popular led to merchandising and novels that began to connect a larger, more complex history to the Five Nights at Freddy's lore. The growing official canon of FNAF involves two rival pizza chains.
Jealousy between the two founders of these animatronic entertainment themed pizzerias involves stealing competitor's technology and ideas, leading to success, failure, resentment and, ultimately, retaliatory murder of children. Oh my god. Five Nights at Freddy's takes place in Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, a substitute for Chuck E Cheese. The entertainment is led by the restaurant's namesake, cuddly Freddy Fazbear.
Joining him is Bonnie, a purple bunny, chica, a yellow baby chick, and Foxy, a red pirate fox. Now I watched a 90 minute overview of Five Nights at Freddy's history on YouTube, and this backstory's complexity is comparable to the film Inception. Conceiving a child with the movie Momento and then giving it up for adoption to be raised by that third Pirates of the Caribbean movie. It is, to say the least, complex.
The heightened interest in this backstory led to fan fiction and fan theories and fan fights on the internet speculating on the hoos and what's and why's of this evolving complexity surrounding horror and pizza and robots that kill people. All of this is chronicled across a series of at current count, eleven books. But hey, you know whatever it takes to get kids to read. Am I right? I'm right.
With something this popular, it was inevitable that Hollywood producers started sniffing around saying I hear a bunch of computer nerds really like this Freddy Five Nights telephone video game. I'm sure the boys in the writer's rooms could swap together a treatment to get those pasty-skinned weirdos out of their mother's basement and into movie theaters to scream their heads off while we laugh all the way to the bank. Someone fetch me a hundred dollar bill.
I need to light this oversized cigar. And so it was. In 2015, it was announced that Warner Brothers picked up the rights to make Five Nights at Freddy's into a major motion picture. Famed entertainment moguls Jeffrey Katzenberg and Roy Lee saw early success with the horror movies the Ring and the Grudge, and they were attached to bring this video game to the big screen.
To help with the script was Seth Graham Smith, who wrote Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, as well as Abraham Lincoln, vampire Hunter. In January of 2017, the game's creator Colfam said the movie was on hold, but then, two months later, he said just kidding, we gotta deal with Blumhouse Productions. Are they the only production company that's allowed to make horror movies anymore? They are Great. Alright, good for them.
Early on, gil Keenan, the guy behind the animated film Monster House, was set to direct, but that fell through. By 2018, it was announced that Chris Columbus, the guy who directed Home Alone, would come in and direct the movie with a planned release of 2020. But by the end of 2018, the script for the movie wasn't really coming together and it was announced that it would be delayed further and would not hit screens until 2021.
And then, shortly after that, chris Columbus was no longer attached to direct. Following that, emma Tammy was brought in to direct the movie and she would also be co-writing it with the game's creator, colfam, along with Seth Kuddleback. As we all know, there are many opinionated people on the internet and some of them have very strong opinions about the Five Nights at Freddy's video game franchise, and I wish all of them the best of luck in making this into a successful feature film.
The talented crew over at Jim Hinton's Creature Shop. They were brought in to help bring the stalking and murderous Pizza mascot animatronics to life and, from what I've seen in the trailer, they look pretty good To star in the movie. Josh Hutcherson was cast to play the security guard, mike Schmidt. Hutcherson played the role of Pita in the Hunger Games movies.
Fun fact, hutcherson did the voice of the main kid in the holiday classic the Polar Express, a movie that gives some people, including Mr Bo Ransodale, nightmares. Along with Hutcherson, the movie cast horror movie veteran and spooky monster expert, matthew Lillard. Matthew Lillard, of course, starred in the screen movies and he was the face and voice of Shaggy in countless Scooby-Doo, live action and animated shorts and feature films. Lillard plays the movie's main villain, william Afton.
Rounding out the cast is Mary Stewart Masterson, if that name rings a bell. She was in the film Fried Green Tomatoes and co-starred with Johnny Depp in the movie Benny in June. Remember her? If not, gosh grandparents, they'll tell you all about her. Due to the impact of the global pandemic, filming was delayed until March of 2021. All of these delays allowed two copycat films to be released with similar robot mascots killing innocent people.
One was the Banana Splits, a movie based on the Hannah Barbera Saturday morning live action show from the 70s. In this movie, a family attends a live taping of the Banana Splits Children's television show, but they're forced to survive in the studio as all of the characters go haywire and start a killing spree involving audience members.
There was also Willys Wonderland, which starred Nicolas Cage as a quiet drifter who takes a job as a janitor at the condemned Willys Wonderland, a defunct family entertainment restaurant where demonic animatronics come to life and start killing people. As the team behind Five Nights at Freddy's watch these imitators come and go, they struggle with getting their movie into production.
More issues with the script push filming back all the way to February of 2023, where then, finally, cameras started rolling in New Orleans under the covert title Bad Cupcake, an unfinished trailer was leaked on the internet on May 7th of 2023, much to the displeasure of Cawthon, the game's creator. The full trailer was ultimately made available 10 days later and audiences got their first look at Freddy Fazbear, bonnie, chica and Foxy, and.
The early responses to the trailer were mostly positive, with small but notable callouts from a sharp-eyed, devoted fanbase noting inconsistencies with their expectations. How did the movie perform at the box office? Well, I don't really know. This introduction is being recorded before the movie lands in theaters, as well as on the Paramount Plus streaming surface on the exact same day. A pretty bold move on the part of Paramount, letting a movie release in theaters and on streaming.
We'll see how that plays out. The movie was tagged with a PG-13 rating, following in the footsteps of the Blumhouse hit film Megan, featured in this very season. This more tame rating will allow the film to reach a broader and younger film-going audience. Producers did announce that, if the movie is a success, a second and third movie will be released, each based on the second and third games in the franchise. Will the ever-delayed Five Nights at Freddy's movie be a success?
Will the wait for the live-action adaptation pay off with a quality production and will it meet the expectations of FNAF video game and internet commentators once released? To answer those questions in order yes, maybe, and absolutely not. You know what? Let's not waste any more time and get Mr Bo Ransdale in here to discuss this movie in way too much detail to see if it's any good.
Ladies and gentlemen, freddy's and Chica's, put down your keyboard and mouse, grab a slice and settle in as we try to survive Five Nights at Freddy's.
Initiate sequence number two in three two, one.
And welcome to Pick Six Movies. I am human number one, chad Cooper, and I'm joined by my lifelong friend, human number two, mr Bo Ransdale. Bo, how are you doing today?
As human as I've ever been Chad, feeling corporeal, sentient, all of the things that make up humanity.
It is a strange time to be alive, my friend.
Absolutely, if I can, before we get started on our shenanigans. Yes, all right.
So we're talking about Five Nights at Freddy's, which is one of the more recent movies we've ever Only movie we've ever done that is actually playing in a theater at the time of this recording. Against all good thinking.
Yes, it is in a movie theater and you could pay to go see this. Yes, one thing that I found interesting is I was listening to another podcast I enjoy about movies. They were really scratching their heads over the fact that this was the number one movie in the country the weekend that it opened, to which I thought then you don't have any interaction with children whatsoever.
No, because as soon as this thing was announced that was coming out in a few weeks, all I heard was the talk of the Five Nights at Freddy's movie. Kids lost their damn mind Every single one of them.
When I told one of the kids that I was going to be seeing it and tell them I was going to watch it in my underwear at home, right Kids that I had in class when I told them I was going to watch it, either said I was their cool teacher or bemoaned the fact that their parents were not taking them to the movies. Just hearing the buzz among children, I knew this thing was going to be huge.
What I find most interesting is the chasm between Rotten Tomatoes' critic scores and Rotten Tomatoes' audience scores, because this movie currently has a 28% freshness rating by the critics Too high, 89% for audiences. Yeah, and you see that a lot, especially for movies that are financially successful. That Super Mario Bros movie just came in below the freshness bar by the critics with 59%. 95% of audiences loved it. That haunted mansion movie 37% critics, 84% audiences.
The Meg 2, 28% critics, 73% audience.
None of this is surprising to me. First of all, I saw Meg 2 and there is plenty of stupid out there in the world to think that movie is pretty good. That's one of those that has a brisk enough pace in the movie that you don't realize you're watching a terrible movie until it's over.
I saw that movie in the theaters with my son and about the two-thirds mark I thought aren't there supposed to be sharks in this movie? No, shit.
It's like when did this become? Meg 2, the Dinosaurs? Yeah, but that's kind of what I love about it. Like it took a real Skull Island approach where it's like, wait a second, isn't there a King Kong in this King Kong Skull Island at some point? But I'm okay with that. Like you throw enough weird shit at the screen and I'm at least entertained, right. And so Meg 2, let me just say this for the record Meg 2, a better movie than Five Nights at Freddy's. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean it's a super low bar but it's better. But yeah, all you had to do was just be anywhere near a child or a teenage or something like that to understand that this movie was a phenomenon. I've played the games a little bit. I started in on that lore deep dive on YouTube. It's crazy. And I watched the first one and I was like, yeah, I was like this is all bullshit, I don't care about any of this. So I stopped.
It reeks of conspiracy theory. They're filling in a lot of gaps and connecting dots. It's their own personal video game, warshack, test of. Yes, there's something here, but how did you see?
that it's very JFK conspiracy theory. There's a lot of magic bullet shit in there and you know Michael Rooker needs to be there, being the voice of reason. This can't happen.
Let's talk about this movie because there's a lot to say about this. So the movie opens up and we get the Blumhouse intro showing that panoply of horror IPs that they now have their claws into. The movie opens proper and we see a security guard using his fingers to loosen some bolts that are holding an air vent cover in place. Now, bo, I am not trained in HVAC repair. This is widely known.
But let me just say that movies have continuously grossly overestimated the size of air vents and the ability of people to crawl around them.
We've seen it this season already with chopping ball.
Die Hard, did it proper Now Five Nights at Freddy's air. Vents are meant to circulate air, not people. And they also don't serve as, like Super Mario Brother, tubes to get you from one place to another. At best, bo, a small child might be able to crawl through an air vent. Not one of these porker kids I see riding their e-scooters around my neighborhood. Maybe one of them, simon Birch-sized kids, could crawl around in an air vent.
Absolutely not a full-sized adult security guard Every time I try to squeeze my fat ass into an air vent. I do, however, make the Super Mario Brothers beom, beom, beom noise as if I'm going to find myself in a cave full of gems.
Every time I sit down in a seat in a movie theater I'm like whoa, the diet starts tomorrow.
Oh yeah, man, I'm around high school school desks all day long. Every time I got to cram my fat ass into one of those, like, oh geez, this was not made for people of my girth and or height.
Hey, hey, hey. I think they sent the middle school desks to the high school. What's going?
on here, right? Why do you have so much room in your desk and mine is so tight? Switch desks with me.
Hey, I think you swapped one out on me, so we have to have a touch of suspension, of disbelief with this air vent situation, which is not my biggest issue with this movie because we're about to delve into ghost children possessing robots. We're far beyond calling shenanigans when it comes to real world comparisons to air vent sizes.
I will say my biggest complaint with this movie overall is that it creates a world propped up by loosely connected plot points that fail to deliver a larger, cohesive story.
I don't disagree with that. I have a very specific moment in this movie where I cry bullshit and the rest of the movie doesn't work for me. But we'll get to it. We're not quite there.
This movie reminded me of watching improv, but without the jokes. Every single character in this movie says something unexpected and bizarre and the other person immediately greets it with a yes and there are some conversations between the Mike character in Vanessa. Yeah.
That are very much what you're talking about.
Like ghost children, you say and and the robots come to life at night and bake birthday cakes, because it's your birthday, yes, and my grandmother is, yes and it's nonsense.
But to get to this guy in the vent he comes out in this storeroom, uh-huh. Then we start to. One is way through the back halls, because the back of Freddie Fosbears pizza wonderland is this labyrinth of hallways and rooms and it's three times the size of the restaurant itself.
We start seeing all these flashes of pastel light and there's music playing that song, I hear the secrets that you keep, which is the, in quotes, creepy song of the movie we see in silhouette a shape somewhere behind him, like following him. And then he comes to this gated security door and can't get it open and it's a real hole I can't get out of here. And then the camera zooms in on him and he turns and screams.
And this is when he wakes up in that chair where he's trying to get the screw off Again, another big screw that he's trying to free himself with as Chad. This animatronic bear mask is being lowered onto his face. Outwardly it's a stuffed animal bear. Inside it is a saw trap of spinning blades and saws and stuff. Yeah, it's like what on earth was the purpose of this other than to destroy a human face? I guess, I guess that's it. And then he tries to get out but fails.
And then we cut away, of course, because the other big problem with this movie I understand that this is intended for children, but given the subject matter, the bloodless nature of it is strike the death count is only five, because it's him and then our four hooligans. The aunt.
No, we don't know for sure. She might just be passed out on the floor from a little glug glug, and maybe Matthew Lillard, no he signed up for three films.
God bless him. Like I love Matthew Lillard, I think he's great Bo.
this is a Blumhouse production. We're going to see five more, five nights at Freddy's. There's going to be the Chica movie. There's going to be the backstory of Foxy. There's going to be an animated series. They are going to squeeze this for all it's worth.
That's good to hear because that's a bunch of movies I don't ever have to see and that feels liberating.
So we cut back to the dining room where we get this rejected theme song to Stranger Things. It's this 80s inspired synthesizer beat that would make John Carpenter roll his eyes. And then the camera pans over to a wall covered with children's crayon drawings and their kids with all of the characters from the Five Nights at Freddy's stage show. And then it specifically zeros in on an image of a big yellow bunny holding hands with a group of kids.
And then we cut to the opening credits of this movie Credits. We get a bunch of like eight bit or 16 bit video game graphics of the pizza parlor with four kids and then, one by one, we see the computer graphic version of the yellow bunny escort these eight bit kids off to go somewhere. This is foreshadowing, bo. Oh eventually that all the kids are gone and it just leaves the yellow bunny with a menacing look over his shoulder as the movie starts. Proper cut to our film's hero, mike.
He wakes up at 6 am, bo, his alarm clock goes off and he's got a cassette tape player and he tosses a bottle of pills in his drawer. Been there, done that and he gets out of bed and the camera reveals that there is a poster taped to the ceiling above his bed, not of a sexy model, but of a forest, and in giant letters we read the word Nebraska.
Man, whatever gets you off. What year does this movie take place? You took the question out of my mouth. I still don't know and I'm surprised when things show up in this movie. There's a moment later in the film where Vanessa says, well, this was big back in the 80s. And I'm like then, when the fuck is this set? Because, as you pointed out, he's got the 80s style cassette tape player. You know that Walkman style of cassette tape thing. Nobody's got a cell phone in this movie.
I think Max has one, and it's a flip phone. According to the internet which who's ever lied on the internet it's supposed to take place in the year 2000. I got that from the synopsis of the movie over on Wikipedia, which is how they start the description in the year 2000. They didn't talk about that security guard that got killed in the opening, because you know why, bo, none of that matters. Hey, filmmakers, here's a bright idea.
When you're making a movie is something is irrelevant to every character in the film and has nothing to do with your overall plot, leave it on the cutting room floor. It's garbage and a waste of time.
You know what setting is Chad? It's a combination of time and place and I know one of those things in this movie. I never know the other thing and I'm not doing fucking homework to figure it out. I hate the fact that all through this week I hate this movie so much. I hate the fact that from begin season, this movie I'm having that thought as soon as I saw that tape recorder was like okay, so when is this? Yeah, it's never answered.
Chad at no point in the movie does somebody say hey, it's the year 2000. We don't believe in child ghost animatronics like a throwaway line like that.
At least tells me when your movie is set while we're on the topic, why does that poster say Nebraska? Right, this is the only big forest poster he could find to look at before he goes to sleep.
Yeah, they only make Nebraska brand forest posters.
Right, because when I think Nebraska, I think forests.
Right, you think forests, obviously the mountains, and green beans. Those are the things that you associate with Nebraska. So this asshole, after doing some, you know I got to pump myself up pushups because he's like five, two and you know he's got little person energy when he's just like I'm super strong, see, yeah, but you're also very compact.
But he doesn't really do anything overly physical in the movie. I don't get why we're showing him working out to be like oh, that's how he's strong. Yes, at best, maybe he opens a jar of pickles.
Well, he beats a shit out of a dad here in a minute. I guess that's something.
Yeah, but you get that from just rage. A little scrawny person can do that. Yeah, get him pissed off enough.
Yeah, napoleon didn't have to do pushups, he just conquered the world. So he checks in on his sister, abby. His sister. You ask, oh yeah, they tell you that halfway through the movie and I'm like what?
Every person who watches this movie immediately thinks this is his daughter. The other characters in the movie do also. I like that the other characters in the movie ask questions that we have already posed, because they are as confused as we are watching it.
But it would be great if they asked them the same time I did, as opposed to, you know, 30 minutes later, when I'm like, okay, it's gotta be his daughter, right? Okay, it's his daughter. And now that has like concretized in my mind.
You can do it right here, because Mike comes into her room and he says hey, we're leaving in five minutes and Abby, who's about 10 years old, she says you're being a jerk. And she tosses a stuffed animal at him. You just have micro spawned. All sisters think their big brothers are jerks and you just put that to rest right there.
This is one of the most poorly written movies we have seen in some time and it took him forever to get it so wrong.
So he cut to Mike and he's sitting in the food court of a shopping mall where some guy who we don't know but don't worry, this character is not around for long he is reading a book out loud to Mike.
That Mike has been reading. It's Mike's book.
We see Mike looking at it earlier. Yes. And I think he's just flipping through, looking for the pictures. This guy's actually reading it and he's like and though the dreamer remains asleep, he walks through memory as if experiencing it for the first time. A new, no longer a passenger, but an active participant. Huh, is this for real, mike? And Mike says some people believe it's real. It depends on what you believe, and I paused it. I was like I got to write that down.
Yeah, that's just what you can tell employees and the like when you give them any edict at work. Do we have to do this? Well, some people believe it's real.
That's a shitty fortune cookie fortune.
The kind that you leave on the table. You don't even bother to put it in your pocket, where it gets washed and disappears. There are a couple that you're like oh, that's kind of an interesting one, I'll keep this. You're never going to keep it. Yeah, you get what it's like. The future is yet to be the past trash. I'm just going to leave this on the plate of General Sos. Let them throw it away. Also, chad this whole dream theory, business kind of sort of matters.
But if it weren't in the movie it would not change anything substantially. How about this we're?
in a quote unquote horror movie featuring people participating in lucid dreaming, and this movie also includes the word Freddy's right, and I thought it was weird that there was the red and green sweater on Freddy Fazbear. At one point all the ghost kids attacking with slashing finger blades or something and I was like what are you doing five nights at Freddy's?
I mean you talk about Megan being a movie that liberally rips shit off. Five nights at Freddy's is honestly it's like what if Nightmare on Elm Street met Charles Entertainment Chiefs? And that's kind of this movie.
It's like they just opened up the fridge looking all the leftovers of other worn out franchises and just mix those ingredients together and this is what you got. Is it edible?
It won't kill you. Yeah, it's the drunk fridge raid of movies where you're like you know what? I will have that. Butterscotch pudding and spaghetti. Do they go together? Nope, but I'm just hungry enough to eat both of them.
Mike walks over to get some ice cream. All the time he's clocking the mall looking for suspicious activity and he spots this kid just hanging out by himself. And this adult comes over and grabs the kid by the arm and quickly escorts the kid away, somewhat aggressively, and my immediate thought is that this is this kid's pissed off dad and not a pedophile child murderer.
Right, because you don't want to make a fucking scene. You know, I'm not trying to tell pedophiles how to do their business, shad but it's not going to be this.
Tommy, get your ass over here. You're going to get in the car and you're going to shut up.
That's an angry dad, but Mike who is not bothering to flirt with the pretty cute pixie-ish ice cream lady who's like you're usual, mike the ice cream girl does say when are you going to bring your sister by?
This is the first time that the movie attempts to establish Abbey as Mike's sister. But before we can get into that, mike just dashes after this father and son, and here is where we for the first time see that Mike is wearing a shirt that reads security. So I was like, oh, he works at the mall. Mm-hmm.
I also like the fact that he has gone full red pill on this. Yeah, he's like, oh, and he told me that these pedophiles will be grabbing kids left and right these malls. I got to go get this son of a bitch and just goes ballistic, push and pass people as he chases this father and his kid. When he reaches this father, he launches himself like he's a thunder cat at this dad, knocking him into a fountain where he proceeds to beat the ever living shit out of him.
He goes full sailor Ripley from Wild at Heart. He turns this guy's head into rotten pumpkin mush. Yeah, mike's gonna get sued. Mike needs to law your up.
Fast, yeah, cut to Chad. The lobby of some job finder, slash, career counselor place or something seems like you could at least put something on the wall to tell us where we are. Hey, production design, put a fucking sign on the wall. How about that time and place? That's all a setting is. You only have to get two fucking things right, and this movie can't do either one. God damn it.
Chad so he gets called into Matthew Lillard's office is like oh for Christ's thanks God, there's something interesting to look at.
Matthew Lillard has a name plate that reads Steve Raglan, for what it's worth. Over on IMDB he is listed as Steve Raglan slash William Afton. Yeah. The latter of which being the notorious bad guy in the Five Nights at Freddy's canon. And we'll get into the convoluted lack of logic as to why this sinister mastermind behind this movie's paranormal, murderous child killing shenanigans, william Afton, is working in an unemployment office.
What Absolute. This is the point where, especially watching at the second time, I was like what in the Everliving hell is this guy doing?
working this job it would be like if jigsaw from the saw movies was picking up a few hours at the DMV. Right leather face is driving a forklift over at the Frito Lay warehouse out at the industrial park right, is he just laying low?
all I need out of this is at the end, when Matthew Lillard is given his big villain speech at the end of this spoilers he's the villain at the end of this everyone knew that going in.
Right, if you were excited about seeing this movie, you knew that going in. And I also want to say, if you watch this movie and you didn't know that at all, when the big reveal happens, it's done in such a sloppy way that when he pops off the rabbit head, like if you didn't know who Matthew Lillard was, I honestly believe when the reveal happens, your reaction could have been who is this?
well as a person that enjoys Matthew Lillard, especially in that Twin Peaks season 3. He's so good in that he's a good actor and he's kind of an interesting character actor. He's got like an interesting face and interesting delivery. He's not quite crisp and glover weird but he's interesting when.
I think of Matthew Lillard. My brain immediately goes to the descendants. Okay, with George Clooney, because he shows up in that and he was really good. He's a good actor. His role in this is so badly written. That's the problem. He's having a little fun with it, absolutely. There's just not much fun to be had.
It's like here play with this rock right okay, but at the end of this movie, if he had said something like you know, man, I was the planned guidance counselor to this stupid job, so I could get new victims. Man, anything right, anything. It goes back to that Simpsons the Raven bit. Hey, lisa, you know what would have been scarier than that? What? Anything and this is that of you know what would be better than not talking about any of this, discussing it even the littlest bit?
Get, give me some sense of this world and these people and this characters, and why they're doing the things that they do. There is no character motivation, there is no setting. It drives me up the fucking wall. The one thing I do like about this moment, though, is when Matthew Lillard is kind of going through Mike's file. He looks something, goes, say man, what are you?
some kind of head case or something like your work history shows you get fired almost immediately from every job. I assume from beating people up and putting them in the hospital man, and, like you're, the hero of this movie.
Strange indeed hey, well, look, I gotta tell you, man, your options are kind of limited on account of you beating the shit out of strangers, man, and Mike's like yeah, I need a job, real bad.
And Matthew Lillard says like I get that, mike. Hey, on a second, let me take a look at your last name. I never really took time to like read it earlier. I got caught up in all the details of your latest battery charges. Like let's see here, mike shit, like that's a surprise. Auga. Like I do have a job for you. It's like working as a security officer, Like all you gotta do is keep people out of the place overnight. Man, Ha ha, ha ha.
And Mike is like uh, you said I've gotta keep people out and also tidy the place up. That's two things. Hey, that sounds like a joke that could be used as a callback later. But I can't take this job because it's nights and I don't work nights.
Hey, man, just take my card, you might change your mind and Mike heads home and he finds a red eviction notice on the door. Mm-hmm. And he walks inside his home to find Max, a young woman in her late teens or early 20s on the couch watching the home shopping network where they are selling fake diamond rings. Now, I assumed that this was possibly Mike's sister that the ice cream pixie was referring to earlier.
Mm-hmm Could possibly be.
Josh Hutcherson in this movie was 30 years old when it fell and he looks at Abby is 10. Mm-hmm. And I get that siblings can be 20 years apart. I understand enough about biology and genealogy to grasp that concept. However, as we said earlier, this movie does not explicitly detail character relationships and it is frustrating.
Also Max, as she's watching this show, like you said, could be his sister, his girlfriend. Any relationship Like we don't understand this relationship ever really as watching TV she goes.
I sure wish somebody would buy me a ring.
Oh so she's his girlfriend, Right, Exactly, but that's not what's going on Right, like you say that line and what that tells me as a viewer of other movies. They're dating, she's more serious, but Mike is all caught up in his own bullshit and hasn't committed to the relationship. I understand this relationship. I understand these characters. Oh wait, that's not what's going on here.
Oh, so it's just nothing we're going to find out later that Max has a boyfriend named Jeff, and she's not even interested in Mike. Right, this line shouldn't be in this movie. It's so frustrating Jeff.
this movie sucks so much.
Mike goes to Abby's room and Abby's drawing pictures with her crayons and Mike says hey, abby, tell me about this drawing. And Abby says that's you, these are my friends. And this happy little fellow in the sky is the sun. Talk about a call back. And Mike says that's great, we're going to eat now. He sits on the bed and Abby says you're sitting on my friend, and I'm like, oh so she has imaginary friends.
Also does not matter. In the movie Chad Not at all, because at no point does he mistake what's going on at Freddy's for her having imaginary friends. That is never a thing, so why on earth do it?
Yeah, I'll get into it a little bit later, but I think that there's a way that you could have stitched this together. Just no one was paying attention at all. So Mike and Abby get into it and it ends with Mike breaking some of Abby's crayons hey, abs, be glad, that's all he broke. And Mike says fine, don't eat dinner. But remember, kids, you don't eat dinner, Stay the same size forever and don't get to ride the adult rides at the amusement park. And I was like none of this matters.
The imaginary friends, the broken crayons, the amusement park bribe. Abby looks like a kid who has zero interest in going to an amusement park.
If she were drawing pictures of said amusement parks, that would be something, but none of that. Oh Chad, why doesn't?
anything add up at this movie. She tells Mike my friend thinks you're an idiot and Mike says oh yeah, I'm real and he leaves Uh-huh. At this moment I paused and I thought I think most ventriloquists had imaginary friends as children. And I think that Jeff. Dunham's childhood, invisible friends were all racist, sexist, homophobic nationalists.
Look ventriloquists, as children have to get friends where they can find him, chad, in the real world. It's going to be a harsh place for harvesting that kind of friendship. Most of them are going to have to turn to the invisible world.
Later that night, mike, he pops some sleeping pills, turns on his cassette tape player, pops on his headphones and we hear nature noises and he stares up at the visit Nebraska for a sign above his bed and he drifts off to the land of Nod where that night he had a dream. He dreamt he was lighter than ether, a floating spirit visiting things to come. The shades and shadows of the people in his life raised their way into his slumber. He dreamt that Gale and Evelle had decided to return to prison.
Probably that's just as well. He didn't mean to sound superior, they were as well a couple of guys, but maybe they weren't ready to come out into the real world. Keep going. And then I dreamt on into the future farther than I'd ever dreamed before, to a Christmas mourn in the Arizona home where Nathan Jr was opening a present from a kindly couple who preferred to remain unknown. Oh, it's man. Now there's a screenplay that does not have a word or a shot out of place.
You read the screenplay for Raising Arizona. It is a blueprint for that movie. The exception maybe, like one or two scenes that were left on the cutting room floor that arguably didn't need to be.
Yeah, like you said, that is a movie where everything has a place and everything has setting, tone, characterization.
It all builds to a thing Story arc, resolution, honest to goodness, jokes Like I think there are jokes in this movie, although I'm not going to swear to that, because nothing made me laugh or nothing was amusing Our hero, by the way, popping pills, because all heroes do that and then having this vision where the movie's like, hey, as if we weren't enough of a downer of a film already and you're already confused as to who these people are and what the fuck is going on, let's do this weird dream
flashback where, yes, it's a dream, but it's also a thing that totally happened where, as a child, mike and his parents are out camping, mike is put in charge of watching the younger brother, garrett, who goes missing, and the only thing you see is a car pulling away and Mike screaming after it.
Garrett has also got a red toy airplane in his hand.
Yes, and then he wakes up. I mean, that's sort of just. We establish the dream because we're going to spend an inordinate amount of time in this movie, in that dream.
Also, anytime a kid is put into the back of a car and driven away immediately hearkens back to Mystic River. Yeah. Is that my girl in that car? Is that my girl in that car? There are only a handful of movies that I've only seen once that were excellent films that I will never, ever watch again. Yeah, mystic River is on that list.
It's a great movie, but it's one and done.
I've only seen Schindler's list from beginning to end once. I think I will watch that again at some point in my life, but it made such a lasting impact that I was like I don't know that I can go through that again. I agree, I need some time, and watching this kid drive off in the woods it's like this is horrible.
Yeah, and then we go to, I guess, a scene that's sort of played for last, which is Mary Stuart Masterson as the aunt in a lawyer's office or social workers office. I would never really sure what this character is. The woman behind the desk.
Yeah, she's like the principal social worker, counselor, something or something that has some sort of legal standing or something, but anyway.
So there's Mary Stuart Masterson as the aunt, her dumpy lawyer, doug and Mike, yeah, and the guidance counselor slash principal, slash social worker is apparently adjudicating some sort of custody hearing. She has no legal authority to do any of this?
Do we know that for sure? Good point, mary Stuart Masterson. She was almost a member of the brat pack you know with, like Robert Downey Jr and Demi Moore and that whole cast of the breakfast club. She did a bunch of work in television later in her career.
Yeah, she's really good in some kind of wonderful way.
She's kind of having fun in this as much as possible. She looks over at Mike in this setting and she's like just look at my nephew. It's not even 10 o'clock and he can barely keep his eyes open. This degenerate is the one they put in charge of my mentally ill niece who loves to color and talks to imaginary friends, and I was like I'm not sure that a kid who likes to draw and talks to imaginary friends should be tagged as mentally ill, Absolutely not.
She is seemingly a fairly normal child.
Completely, although I do like it when I meet adults that have the audacity to refer to a child as an old soul. That's totally code, for this kid is a weirdo. Those kids that walk around wearing shawls and reading 19th century poetry and drink Earl Grey tea they really get into knitting at an early age. Like in all of this is self-initiated.
Yeah, I have a friend of mine whose kid ironically plays 80s music on a mandolin which. I find very entertaining. Don't get me wrong. I'm not sure how it plays to the larger crowd of students around them, but I'm into it. But yeah, it's that kind of thing of like this is an affectation.
Here's something else that this movie just butchers. They never explain what happened to Mike's parents. They touch on it a little bit, one of them is dead and then the other one just skips tout. And the aunt is this? The mom sister, the dad sister? Just having a line of dialogue, I promised my sister I would make sure that their youngest was taken care of.
Something like that, right, just anything again, I'm so frustrated by this movie not giving you important pieces of information, and maybe this is stuff that's addressed in the books or the games or something surrounding Five Nights at Freddy's.
I think all of this is new nonsense.
But it's so poorly constructed Like almost feels like it's a concerted effort to conceal important pieces of information about these characters, like they are going out of their way to make it difficult to understand what is happening in the relationships between people At this point the school counselor slash principal lady.
She says Mary Stuart Masterson, you need to calm down. And Mary Stuart Masterson says me, calm down, I'm not the crazy one. Plus, did you hear that Mike over here beat up a dad in front of his kid at the mall and he got fired from his job? What a loser. I'm the one who's more responsible to take care of that nut job of a weirdo kid outside.
Doug the lawyer hand him the papers and then Doug the shlubby lawyer, he hands over some official looking papers and shows that Mary Stuart Masterson is requesting guardianship over Abby. Yes, this is where I want to pause for him, please, and explain how you could make this movie a little better, just with a few tweaks. Number one you don't have Mike be a dirtbag, OK, prone to fits of rage and beating up innocent fathers. Yeah.
Yeah.
In public.
A heroic character acting heroic would be great. Yes.
Right, you can have that same scene. Have Mike chase down the father and son and confront him verbally, but then realize he was in the wrong. Ok, you get the same outcome without as many bloody knuckles as we see.
May I tweak that very slightly Please? So if he had confronted him and realized the father being really angry and saying, hey, this is my kid back off, that kind of thing. If Mike had then said something about you need to take care of him I was worried because he looked like he was in distress and you need to love your son and go for the emotional beat there where you understand that Mike is kind of wounded and is being haunted by this idea that he led his brother down. And then you got a thing.
Absolutely. I completely agree. The scene following that you have Mike go see Abby and you have the two of them bond with each other. You show that they love each other and the two are trying to get by the best they can. You don't have him be at odds with Abby and explain what happened to the mom and the dad. Here and in each of these cases, mike has the best of intentions for other people. The kid in the mall, as well as Abby, and Mike is someone that we as the audience want to root for.
Then, in this scene with the aunt, we're rooting for Mike because you don't want him to lose the one family member that he has left and that he loves, and you know that Abby loves him as well.
And you've proven that. The one character trait that Mike has is he wants to protect children. Right, and if you give him who doesn't love a person who wants to help and save children at that point he is, you were totally on his side for the entire movie.
Give him a dog and done deal. Pal Right, mike looks at these papers requesting guardianship and he says oh, what if I don't sign these papers? And Mary Stuart Masterson says well then we'll see you in court and we'll make sure you'll never see our sister again. And both this, almost 20 minutes into the movie, was the point where I realized Abby's his sister. And then Mike says you don't even care about Abby, you just want that monthly check from the state.
And I was like, wait, that's Mary Stuart Masterson's motive, a monthly check from the state. She's got lawyer money. Like, how much is this check? If it's that much, why does Mike need a job?
If Mary Stuart Masterson is in financial straits, just stop paying the lawyer and that's your money for the month that you would get from you know, taking care of the child. Also way less headaches. Not paying a lawyer versus having a child in your home.
The Mary Stuart Masterson and character is not needed in this film. She is a distracting second tier villain with no real purpose other than serving as a convoluted on ramp for some other characters who we'll talk about in just a moment.
All you have to do in this film is take the Mary Stuart Masterson character and go cast that social worker lady from the Megan movie and have her serve the same purpose that she did in the Megan movie, essentially coming in saying like hey, Mike, if you don't get a job, improve that you are providing a stable environment for Abby. The state is going to take her, put her in a home and you're going to lose your sister. Done and done.
Yes, you don't have to have this Cruella DeVille character show up wanting to take Abby and strip off her skin to make a coat or something.
Yes, although that would have been much better if they'd done that. After Doug and Mary Stuart Masterson leave, even Mike just turns to the principal slash social worker and is like you know, I think she's right. I suck at this and you're like how am I supposed to root for you if you're not rooting for yourself?
He says to this principal lady I'm hardly fit to raise a kid. I'm prone to fits of rage. I take a lot of pills.
I haven't fed her in two, no three days. Dog food is expensive for a kid. What the social worker slash principal even says, like she has to talk a bit to it. Like you know, pictures are very powerful for children. And guess who's in all of Abby's pictures? It's you beating people up and yelling. Yeah, I guess you're right that. I guess I'm important to her and she's like look first things first. You need to find a steady job that doesn't end with you beating someone up.
Is there a job that you know of where you would be completely alone in an isolated environment where you can do almost no damage?
Just a few scenes ago, matthew Lilller gave me this, this card with a number on it, and he has a job that I could take. Maybe I could call him. Yes, mike, do that.
All right, just get him out of my office at the school or government building where I work.
So Mike and Abby, they return home and Mike picks up the phone and calls Matthew Lillard using an old style push button phone. What?
year is this? I know? I swear to God, if somebody on this production team was like, no, we want to make it timeless, you can go fuck yourself. I need to know when this movie is taking place, because when you specifically reference a time period later, you're like, oh, it happened in the 80s. Ok, great. So when is this? Give me some reference for anything?
Fix up the earpiece and gives the old timey phone a crank like Sarah. Get me Mount Pilate, yeah.
Freddy's 467,. Please Connecting yes, Lillard here.
Mike calls Matthew Lillard, says he'll take the job and Matthew Lillard then gives us a whole bunch of exposition and he says like let me give you a little backstory on this job. Like back in the 80s, man, this place was huge with kids, but it's been shut down for years. Like it's not been given the wrecking ball because the owner is a sentimental kind of guy. I guess he had some troubles with break-ins with like drunks and vagrants mostly.
Like there's a security system with cameras inside and out and the electricity is a bit iffy. If anything happens, man, like flip the power breaker in the office and just watch the monitors and keep the people out. Like it's a piece of cake. Man.
And this is heavily taken from the first game, like they're you know, these are the instructions given which begs the question why don't they ever do the thing that happens in the game, which would actually work in this movie, where he's watching the monitors and seeing these things move around, even if it's just for like a night, and then you get back to the other story that I don't care about.
Right, but why not do the thing that the game is famous for. It seems like it lends itself to a suspenseful moment of the doors opening and closing and the lights going off and on. Yeah Well, also, they waver back and forth as to whether or not the lumbering robots are actual bad guys.
Right Another problem with this movie am I supposed to be sympathetic towards these horrifying animatronic monsters or am I supposed to think they are horrifying animatronic monsters? Yes, and the movie never clearly says Not at all Up until the end.
It's either or both and neither, but all of that at the same time and at the same time. None of that. Yes, mike, during all of this exposition he approaches the rundown Freddy Fazbear's location. He goes inside and the place doesn't really look too worse for the wear.
Yeah, it looks like you could do some light dusting in this place is ready for business.
Mike lips on the main power breaker, and the front of the place lights up with this cartoon sign with the bear on it and all of these dancing lights. The building now screams come here. We're possibly over Right, why on?
earth. Would you have all of this stuff still turned on Again, looking at Matthew Lillard's end game here, which is I now own this building that is kept in working order, where I have murdered children. Spoilers.
Years, if not decades ago.
You're right, and I stopped, which is great, sure, but I still might do it occasionally. Some light child murder, a hobby, great, where you're not doing it as you know, like, hey, you want to make something you love into something you hate. Do it for a job, and Matthew Lillard has learned this lesson. It's like I can't just kill children all the time, because then it becomes work and I want to enjoy it.
You think it's a great idea to go live in Las Vegas when you move there and a month later you're like this was a mistake.
Yeah, so he is taking I don't know five years, 10 years, 30 years off, whenever this is after the 80s.
Let's also touch on the fact that Matthew Lillard was looking at his name and it's like oh, you happen to have the last name of a kid that I murdered. Yes, you should come work as a security guard at the place, then gets upset when he starts to sniff around and figure things out. Also, this place is full of robots that are haunted with ghost children, that sing secrets that you keep by the romantics over and over again.
Yes.
Alright. So Mike's in the back office and there's a top load VCR with a tape in it with his name on the outside. Mike smashes it down and hits play and we see this 80s era training video for security guards at Freddy Fazbear's and it tells you nothing. You know she's just like hey welcome for being a security guard here. The owner of this place had two passions family entertainment and free roaming robots with lithium batteries to terrify adults and children alike.
And then there's some distortion in the video that hints that things are a little wonky. So Mike naturally smacks the TV, not understanding that this is not an issue with the monitor. It's probably the cassette tape or the player itself. Mike, you unlikable dummy. For some reason other than it was what was next in the script, mike goes over and opens a locker where we are greeted with a failed jump scare including a nine inch tall balloon boy figurine.
It kind of looks like it has one of those oversized bobbleheads and the kids holding a balloon and wearing a beanie cap, and it's not even that creepy of a figurine. And it's never explained in the movie either. It's in the movie a lot, and it's other than here's this thing.
I think it's some kind of collectible from the game. Maybe maybe it's got to be some kind of nod to the games that I just haven't played enough to get. But again, why on earth fill your movie with stuff that is going to make it impossible for someone who has not gone down the rabbit hole of these games, Like, yeah, I mean it was successful and all that, but it is just impenetrable to anyone who is not already in the world.
Why do you want to get an increasing share of a shrinking market as opposed to make this accessible for everyone?
Put yourself in Mike's shoes. You walk over and you open a locker let's assume Matthew Lillard said there was a security vest for you to wear in a locker and you open the locker and you see this figurine that's the height of a soft drink, can? It's not going to scare you?
No, no, no, no, You're not going to. Oh right, you would be like what the fuck is this thing?
I knew a guy who used to go and purchase large cardboard cutouts of people and leave them at work. It was in a restaurant, like in storage rooms and in where we kept the liquor, and he bought a six foot tall stone cold Steve Austin.
He got a giant cutout of Jim Carrey in the mask from an old Hollywood video and he would just leave them in there to scare the shit out of people when they opened up these dark closets and found what they initially thought was a human being waiting for them Albeit, one of them wearing a yellow suit suit and the other one wearing tiny little black man panties holding a crumpled beer can. Uh-huh, but that scared people. I get that Sure. Oh my God, there's a person here.
I didn't open a locker and see a precious moments figurine in there and shit my pants.
I like that bit of chaos that your coworker was introducing, yeah, but you're right, within the context of this movie, this doesn't make sense and it's irrelevant and unnecessary. There's even a post credit stinger with this same gag in it and it's like I don't get this because there's nothing to get.
It doesn't make any sense.
Oh, I hate this so much Shit.
Mike wanders around the pizzeria and he makes his way over to that big wall of crayon drawings we saw in the opening credits and he goes past the tables in the dining room and he hears a kvunk in the back and Mike says hello, because it's probably one of those drunk vagrants. Mm-hmm. And Mike pulls back the curtain a bit and for the first time, we get to see the Freddie Fazbear characters, including Freddie Fazbear, chica the chick, bonnie the bunny and Foxy the pirate fox.
There is also a character in Chica's hand known as Mr Cupcake. Uh-huh. Who, as you might guess, is a pink frosted cupcake with buck teeth and eyeballs.
Who plays a larger than necessary role in this movie, for it being a movie called Five Nights at Freddy's Freddy's is surprisingly irrelevant to this movie.
Right. Also, they never explain why this is called Five Nights at Freddy's. You could have fixed this by having Matthew Lillard say here's the job. You're going to have a probationary period. If you can survive the job for Five Nights, I'll hire you full time. So, Mike, after getting the lay of the land, he goes back to the security room with the monitors and he immediately falls asleep.
Right, there's a point this movie will get to, where somebody specifically says just stop sleeping at work. Cut to him falling asleep at work. It's like you suck at this. No wonder you can't hold down a job.
He has two modes it's silence and rage. He's from the Al Pacino School of Employment.
The Al Pacino Narcoleptic School of Acty, where this Freddy Fosman needs to have a flamethrower taken to him.
Chica Foxy, mr Cupcake, fuck you too.
Say hello to my little friend.
All right. So Mike falls asleep and he's having his dream and it goes through the same motions we saw the first time. But this time Mike turns around in the woods and he is surrounded by five children.
Anyone choosing to pay close attention to this movie might realize that the five kids in the woods staring at Mike one of them is wearing rabbit ears, one of them has a brown shirt, one is dressed in a red shirt, one has a flat top hat, like he's on his way to Barbershop Quartet rehearsal, and one is dressed in a yellow shirt. And these kids represent the animatronics in the movie. But this is not as explicitly spelled out as it should be for a movie like this.
You know, I kind of clocked what was happening here, and I don't mind that being more subtle, I suppose, because at least it's something, it's at least somebody caring about what's happening in this movie, and I'll give it points for effort here. When there are so few moments in this movie that speak of we care about this thing and want it to be good, and this is one of those few moments where like, oh, somebody was trying here, that's nice, mike says hey, weird kids.
did you see my brother get abducted by that guy in that car that drove away? And then all the kids scatter in different directions and Mike chases the kid in the brown shirt. But Mike trips over rock and falls down and he wakes up from sleeping on the job. So that's night one. Mike goes back home where Max the babysitter not his girlfriend or his sister she's sleeping on the couch and I thought how much is he paying her to sleep at his house overnight?
And does this security job pay Mike enough money to cover the cost of an overnight babysitter?
Oh wait, chad this is at least answered in the script when he says um, I promise I'm going to pay you eventually.
That's not how it works.
Payment is due upon receipt of services man yeah, and then she's like that's okay, mike, then she fucks off.
If you want to make Mike a more likeable character you touch on this earlier Just make Max his living girlfriend who's trying to fix his troubled soul. And she's the one like hey, I'll keep an eye on Abby, you got this night job, you go do what you got to do. That'd be great, just do that.
Yeah, how about anything, anything that makes him likeable? That'd be great. Mike goes to check in on Abby who is still asleep. Of course she got some of his pills. Well, you know, he leaves them in the drawer right under his 1980s era Walkman I thought you were going to say his pit house and hustler magazines. That would make him more likeable as a character, because at least it would make him relatable.
We've learned when you give a character pornography in a movie, that makes them likeable at that, and when they pull a flask out and kind of give it the, you're like, oh, you're a sad character that I'm not supposed to empathize with.
We watch movies very differently. Basically, anytime Jeff Bridges pulls out a flask in a movie which is about 90% of his performances, I am more on board with his character.
You know, a movie that I really disliked was something about Mary, and I only found one scene in that movie to genuinely make me laugh out loud, and it's the scene where we first meet Matt Dillon's character as the private investigator and he stands up from behind his desk and his pants the belt is open and they're undone and the zipper is down as a characteristic of being a real sleazeball.
This dude was just sitting at work with his pants really open because he was stroking it at some point.
Maybe not now, but he was the spectrum of what was going on, from anything that was more self gratifying to just like I just need to air things out a little bit.
Have you ever been in that position? I'm just trying to think of a time where I felt like I needed some breeze.
The place looked like it didn't have very good air conditioning. I'm trying to give him a bit of it, so let's get back to this movie, which is arguably worse than something about Mary. I would agree with that. We got to this diner where Mary Stuart Masterson and her sad sack lawyer, doug, are there and, shocker of shockers, bo Max, the babysitter, is there with her aforementioned boyfriend, jeff.
Now the waiter comes over and Mary Stuart Masterson informs the waiter that they are not eating, and then there's a little back and forth about breakfast being the most important meal of the day. Now the waiter is played by YouTuber Matt Pat, who was the individual that created a detailed analysis of video game mythologies, including the Five Nights at Freddy's, one that I watched, and for those who are in the know, this was a huge deal that he had a part in this movie.
All right, tell those kids that you work with that. Hey, did you see Matt Pat, and that'll score you some points. They know, I don't care. You can pretend like you care.
Yeah, I blew their minds when I let them know I knew what rainbow six siege was. I've got all the points I need. Right now they're scheming. They're in a diner plotting.
Mary Stuart Masterson berates Max. She's like what am I in yet and get an A dirt on Mike? And she's like, no, he's a pretty good guy. She's trying to take care of Abby. And then the boyfriend, Jeff, Chimes it hey, Mary Stuart Masterson, you need to pay us the $200 you owe us. And by us I mean Max, because she did all the babysitting for no money. And this was the one moment in the movie that made me laugh. Doug the sad sack lawyer says I shouldn't be here.
I shouldn't be hearing any of that, Right.
And Mary Stuart Masterson kind of sits them down, which makes me think that they're in some kind of weird sexual relationship where she's definitely in charge. We definitely watch movies differently. So this boyfriend Jeff is like why don't we just kill him?
I like the way you think, but that's a little bit too much for right now. What's your plan be?
Doug immediately gets up against like I definitely don't need to be here for accessory to murder.
Sit down, dougie, you're not going anywhere. Yes, ma'am.
Yeah, so he sits back down. Remember, I want you to wear that skirt later.
Jeff comes in with plan B. What if we just go in and toss the place? No break in, mess it up, mike gets fired, you get Abby. It's a plan so stupid Even the laziest of screenwriters could think of it and you give us $2,000.
I like it, but how about 1000? All right, that seems like more weight. And so, anyway, they're off to roll this place. Cut to Mike on his bed. He's jumping on the bed to get the Nebraska poster down. Abby comes in wearing his best and it's like I want to come with you to work. And he's like I don't think that's a good idea because I got to do a lot of sleep in there and I don't have time to watch you and sleep. And then Max shows up and is like hey, don't you have to go to work?
He's like, yeah, abby's in a real mood. So you know, you got your hands full tonight and I know I still haven't paid you, but I'm gone. One day I'll tell you what. Let me give you some imaginary bucks 50, 100, 150. Let's make it a thousand imaginary dollars. You can spend these in your dreams.
So off he goes to work. There's a thunderstorm outside for atmosphere in the back room. He has now placed his visit Nebraska poster above the security monitors lightning flashes.
We do get a silhouette of bunny ears as he sleeps at the security desk, just to let you know that creepy things are afoot. Not that you're going to see any of those anytime soon, but you know it's nice to let you know that somewhere else in the movie a movie is happening.
Mike, of course, is asleep having the same dream. Those five kids show up. Mike asked them hey, don't run. And then they run and Mike chases them. But this time he decides to chase the kid in the orange-ish red shirt because he's a little bit of a porker.
I can catch this one.
He grabs this kid and the child swipes at his arm and the kid screams and his eyes are now all black and dripping with goo, which you've seen in multiple other movies. Mike wakes up and there is a young, blonde haired female police officer knocking on the door of Freddie Fazbear. Now her name is Officer Vanessa. When Mike opens the door, she says hey, you're bleeding. Come on, I know where they keep the first aid kits in this place.
Okay, what.
Officer Vanessa takes Mike to the back office and she gets the bandages and Officer Vanessa says I love what you've done to the place. Say the Nebraska poster with the forest. Why Nebraska? Never mind, there's no need to answer my question. Well, she also tells him she is a certified EMT.
Oh yeah, well, that's because everybody is everything in this movie. You're a principal slash. Guidance counselor, slash, attorney. You're a cop slash. Emt, slash, cpa, slash plot critical character, yeah, and she's like hey, have you met them yet? Then she goes around flipping on lights again, letting us know that she has a connection to this place far beyond anything Mike is even asking about, because she knows literally everything, she knows where everything is.
Oh, hey, you got to jiggle this one a little bit. He's like what? And then she casually mentions oh, I'm sure you've heard about all the kids that went missing too. And he's like the kids. Mike, you are the worst protagonist in film history. You don't know shit about shit and have no curiosity. And then there's just a short, all the animatronics go down before they can start dancing around and whatnot. Also, vanessa, inexplicably, as the music starts kicking up, she's like shall we dance, mike?
What is this character? What is happening here? She is the EMT, slash police officer. Slash dance instructor. Slash is immediately attracted to this loser that she found sleeping on the job Like, and she also points out.
when I was bandaging your arm, your blood pressure is elevated and your eyes are dilated. You're clearly on drugs. You haven't shaved in a week. You smell bad.
Here's my number, call me and he is neglected to tell her yet about the child that he's neglecting at home. So he really wants to seal the deal. Oh, I also have a sister that I am not paying attention to.
It's also, in my opinion, not strange that she knows where things are in this building, because I thought she just worked there once upon a time. It wasn't so suspicious. In fact, if you'd been smart, you would have said I used to work here, yes. And then you're like, oh, that's how she knows this stuff. And then when you get the wink, wink, big reveal at the end, you're like oh she was lying.
Yes, that would be great. Any of that would be fine.
Instead, what you get is nothing, hey you're not an official security night sleep person. And she goes over to the prize drawers and she pulls out a Freddie Fazbear security badge and pins it onto Mike and she's like now you're official, all right. So we cut to the next morning and the sun's coming up and Mike is locking up the place and Officer Vanessa, who is still there, yeah, her patrol is apparently this old, abandoned building and the surrounding parking lot.
And then she says don't let this place get to you, Do your job and you'll be fine.
What are you again, besides coming in here bandaging my arm, kind of flirting with me, not answering direct questions, dancing to the Romantics secrets that you keep. Yeah. So after he leaves this Shlub, jeff calls Max and is like hey, you need to come join me as soon as Mike is home, because we're here at Freddy's and we're ready to toss this place. Yeah, and so they are then joined by some old fat dude.
And some younger guy like these two nameless goons.
Absolutely, and in my notes they were fat dude and earphones kid, because those are their defining characteristics they don't really speak and they don't really have names. They're just fat dude and earphones kid.
Yeah, and the fat dude is in his fifties. Yeah, he looks like the kind of guy who is a mall Santa. You're on the fence as to whether or not you're going to let your kid go talk to this dude. Maybe I don't.
I know he's got a record, but still, the line is short and we're here there is a dude that showed up in a bunch of 80s sitcoms that look exactly like this guy, mickey Jones. If you look up Mickey Jones, oh yeah, I know this guy. Yeah, you absolutely know who Mickey Jones is. If you were to the age him digitally 15 to 20 years, it would be this fat guy wandering around Freddy's.
Yeah, I can see that this guy has been in everything.
What? How did I miss the fat bearded guy boat on this? You know, I could have been the one in Grizzly Adams in the Legend of Dark Mountain, chad that could have been me. Or it came from outer space to, or in the heat of the night, one episode. Or in the Colby's, one episode. Or the trucker and star man, any of these things that, that could have been me.
It could have, but it was a real sliding door situation. Yeah, so they start trashing this place as they're smashing up the place, the headphones guy ends up in the kitchen and something in the refrigerator rumbles, so he opens it up, like you do in situations like this. And he finds Mr Cupcake, the robot with the pink icing and the buck teeth and the big eyes, headphones, goon turns around and then, when he looks back at the fridge, mr Cupcake is gone.
But then, when he returns his gaze back to the kitchen, here Chica, the six foot tall robot chicken, is holding Mr Cupcake, who now has on his angry eyes. And Mr Cupcake leaps in the air towards this goon, killing him with his big chompers. I guess, and then the fat hillbilly goon. How did this crew get assembled?
Right, how did they all meet? This feels like a real like. We were all there for Jan 6th. They met at the arraignment when they were all in Pelosi's office. Were you the one who got her gavel? I was man. You were my hero. Let's go toss up Chuck E Cheese.
Dude, I want to shake the hand of the man who smeared shit down the walls of the Capitol. Give it here.
Brother, you're a real patriot. I haven't taken a shit in the hollowed halls of the seat of our government. You ought to be on Mount Rushmore for having had the courage to take a shit on the desk of the Alexa of the house. My hat is off to you, sir, and I tip my mullet in your direction.
Fat bearded guy. He's in the main dining room and he hears some rumblings in the air ducts that lead to the kitchen. So he wanders over and he sees Mr Cupcake with his mouth around the head of the younger goon. And then Chica looks over at the bearded fat old man and gives him the stink eye. So you're like, oh, this guy's in trouble Right. Then we cut over to Jeff, who is wandering around and stealing what he can and honestly, this is not a very big restaurant.
It's not like they're in some haunted house with multiple levels, like there's a kitchen, the dining room, the game room and the stages, there's a storage room in the office and a lot of hallways. I still don't understand the layout of the building. Jeff makes his way to the back office and he sees the security monitors and hear the old fat bearded man.
He just comes shrieking through the restaurant and he hides in a utility closet and he reaches up to turn on the light, only to find Bonnie, the six foot tall blue bunny, in there with him. And then outside we hear some thumps and rumbles until we see a hand smack on the glass and smear the window with blood. So I guess Jeff is the only one that's left. And then Bonnie walks out of the utility closet and Jeff sees the blue bunny.
Jeff runs back to the office where he looks at the monitors and sees Chica and Bonnie placing Mr Cupcake in the air vents. And then they stare up at the camera like you're next bucko. And then Jeff hears Mr Cupcake headed his way in the vents. Jeff holds the air vent great shut by leaning back up against it, and then we hear a door creak open. Jeff peeks outside, then he steps outside and then the office door slam shut and we hear this sort of signature song.
It's doom deem, doom, deem doom, deem doom, deem, doom, deem doom. This was the sound that we heard at the beginning with that security guard who got his, and then, I think, jeff is attacked by Foxy the Fox and then that's pretty much the end of this scene.
Well, Max comes inside to look for him.
Oh, that's right.
And then she sees and hears a ghost kid and goes in search of him and then finds this room of the animatronic parts of all the various creatures. There is this giant bear standing there, and so she looks inside and doesn't see anybody there.
Like gets like a stepladder so she can more fully put her head and body into the mouth of this thing, and then a hand grabs her from within and then she's bitten in half, which is maybe the only thing in the movie where I was like, say, somebody getting bitten in half and seeing their lower half hit the ground.
That's something, but it's all done in shadow, yeah, so you don't really see anything. Me you do, but you don't. There's no blood. You see her legs kifunk to the ground, right. That's the majority of the gore and horror in this film. We really leave that alone until the very end of the movie. Well, and at the end there's nothing either. No, back at Mike and Abby's house. Abby's watching some public domain cartoons and Mike comes in and says what are you drawing there, abby? And she ignores him.
And then Mike says I guess you don't want this then and he tosses that toy Freddy Fazbear security badge on the table and she looks at it and just chunks it off. Mike puts it in a drawer that has those legal papers he got earlier with his aunt. He's like I'm trying to do the best I can to make money to get a babysitter to raise you. Come me some slack. And he runs off. Then Abby goes to the drawer and opens it up and she finds the legal papers.
Mike walks back in and Abby says why do you have these papers? I don't want to live with Mary Stuart Masterson. She was in that female young guns knockoff called Bad Girls and since then her career's never recovered and she's like take your rights. Why are you giving me away?
And then Vanessa inexplicably shows up and is like hey, can we talk? Because apparently there was a break in at Freddy's and I found your prescription sleeping pills there which, honestly, if the place were really robbed, those things would have been gone First thing they would have taken.
Yeah, for sure they would have ignored what's on the label and they would have been like you know what? Prove it. Start taking these boys, let's find out if they really knock you out. During this scene, abby peeks around behind Mike and she's like, hi, I'm Abby, the normal one in this movie. And then officer Vanessa says oh Mike, is this your daughter? And I was like hey, join the? I Just Ask that Same question, club Officer Vanessa.
Where were you 30 minutes ago, officer Vanessa? Why weren't you interrogating these characters then? That's what movies like this need is a cop to show up and be like no, no, no. Before we go any further in this movie, I have some questions. First of all, how are you related to her? Second of all, why can't you hold down a job? Third of all, what is your job? Are you a principal or a social worker? Social worker? You say okay, well, that makes some sense.
All right, everybody, carry on with the movie. Now I need plot cop.
Mike says she's my sister, abby. Go another room and draw pictures of dead kids. We're going to go have adult talk. So these two walk off and they pop a squat next to a drainage ditch. Mike says I used to have a brother named Garrett when I was 12 years old. This guy took Garrett when we were out in the woods and they never found my brother or the guy who took him. This guy at the mall.
He read me a book with no pictures called Dream Theory, about how you can't forget anything because everything you see is stored up in your head like a computer. I have dreams to see if I can find who took my brother. Now you're probably going to say that I'm crazy. An officer of Vanessa says I'm not going to say you're crazy because of that crazy thing you just said. Your sister seems kind of cool. What happened to your parents? My mom died and my dad something.
Or maybe my dad died and my mom something. I don't know. What are you going to do? Seems important, but whatever.
Then Vanessa is like hey, you can't sleep on the job anymore. Ok, like I'm going to willingly cover up your involvement in this crime. I'm going to leave all of this out of the official police report and do you a solid let's not worry about investigating this crime, and I guess you can make the argument that she probably knows what happened to these people. But also, this seems like dirty cop. She is living down the street from De Niro in Copland if this is her regular routine.
What? Let's assume she is a real cop and this isn't just a costume. She got it party city.
Well, I'd be plot cop to show up and ask that question. Yeah, go ahead.
Right, and then she's driving around in the blues mobile or something like that. If she is a real cop, because her patrol is Freddy Fazbear's in the parking lot, she went inside and found the dead bodies and his pill bottle and came back. It doesn't square how her character fits into the broader narrative that they're telling Because she's not on the side of William Afton. None of this is thought out.
Yes. So if she is covering things up, then why leave the bodies around? Because at the end of the movie we see all the bodies exactly where they were Like. If she's trying to cover this up, why leave bodies to rot in here?
None of this fits together. It might cause Max to see if she can sleep over for another all night babysitting job, but remember, max is dead and in two pieces minimum. So Mike takes Abby to Freddy Fazbear's for his work. So they go inside and the places in ruins from the break in earlier. Honestly, that's what this place should have looked like when he arrived the first time, because vagrants and drunks were in there. That's what vagrants and drunks do I know from firsthand experience.
I was that vagrant and drunk Mike then instead he builds a fort for Abby to sleep in and as she does his off, abby says it's like camping Mike, without all the child abduction. Mike goes to the utility closet and he finds a small blood smear on the door. He's like that's weird. I don't remember that, but whatever. Then we get another lukewarm jump scare from that balloon boy figurine.
Mike then begins to clean up the place and then, after cleaning up, mike goes to start his night three of his five nights at Freddy's and he puts on his headset and listens to his cassette tape of nature sounds and of course he falls asleep Right After being explicitly told by Vanessa I'm going to keep you out of this criminal investigation.
The one thing I need you to do is to keep on your toes and not sleep at work. All right.
Also earlier, when they were by the drainage ditch, she chunked his prescription pills into the swamp water.
Good, you need to keep this guy on his fucking toes.
So he's asleep. Abby is in her tent and she hears a voice cry out Abby. So she wakes up and wanders through the restaurant and makes her way to the dining room with a hello, Is anyone there? I know you're back there. You might as well come out. And then we see the eyes of Freddy Fazbear light up and this lumbering robot clomp, clomp, clomp out onto the stage of the pizzeria, Cut to Mike's dream where he sees the kid in the brown shirt in the woods.
And Mike says hey, you're those kids, right, the ones who disappeared in the 80s. I don't know how it's possible You're here in my dream, but I need your help. Help me remember who took my brother Garrett. And this kid stands up and says all right, If we show you, what are you going to give us? And Mike says I'll give you anything. And then we hear Abby screaming. The boy disappears and on the ground is an outline of a giant bunny character. Mike wakes up. Here's the sister screaming.
He runs into the dining room and finds all four of the robots are now off the stage surrounding Abby. Mike grabs a chair because rage kicks in. And. Abby emerges from the circle of robots and says they were tickling me so much I thought I would die. Freddy Fazbear, this is my brother, mike. Mike, meet the others. Bonnie Foxy and Chica everyone. This is Mike and Mike's just freaked out.
Of course he is. It is stunned, shocked. Then he's like we got to go home and she's like OK, and then draws a picture of a heart that she gives to Freddy. Then they give her a hug and they just go home.
Freddy Fazbear does give a bit of a protective growl toward Mike and that's night three in the books. Mike doesn't ask any questions, he just leaves Back at home, puts Abby to bed. Also, I love in movies like this where at the beginning we see kids going to school, but then later in the movie the filmmakers just totally forget that this kid should be going to school.
I had that same thing in my notes of like is she being homeschooled at a certain point? Is Max taking over for this? I don't know. Mike is looking through all of Abby's pictures and puts together, somehow or another, making the illogical leap that all of these kids that are showing up in his dreams, and all these kids that she's drawing are the robots, are the spirits of those kids.
It is a leap.
It's a crazy thing to say and or think he just looked at this picture. He's like it's them, yeah.
So a little bit later there's some ominous music playing and we cut to Abby eating a very crunchy grilled cheese. It's the kind of crunch that implies a butchered roof of the mouth. And Mike's there and he says so, abby, let's talk about last night, those machines. And Abby interrupts and says my friends. And Mike says, yeah, your friends are they? And Abby interrupts and says ghosts.
And I was like that's not the word that immediately comes to mind when finishing Mike's Senate starter up your friends, are they? Yes. But are they dangerous? Are they going to kill me tonight? Are they soft because they look soft? Are they capable of playing any song other than the Romantics' secrets that you keep?
I would not think. Are they ghosts? It's a great question and, yeah, she quickly volunteers this.
She says of course they're ghosts. How else could they make the robots move? These robots have ghosts in them. And also, why don't you call them ghost bots?
Ghost bots is a better name for the movie in general.
And their insides would be the poltergears.
Oh, I like all of this. Well, instead of sprockets, they've got spookits.
There you go poltergears and spookits.
As they're having this awful lunch, he's like, hey, do you remember when we had that brother one time? And she's like, kind of, because I didn't exist? I don't think, of course she didn't.
There was no baby at the picnic in his dream.
He's like well, we did, and I think some of your ghost bots know something about this. She's like, yeah, a boy with blonde hair told me about that. Oh yeah, what else do you guys talk about? Is it dirty? No, but we do talk about this yellow rabbit. Sometimes they're scared of him.
Here we are to understand that Abby talks to ghosts.
That's right.
Like in the sixth sense. Yes, and at her house she had an imaginary friend. Was that imaginary friend a ghost, or was that just an imaginary friend?
I don't know, maybe that's a thing I don't know.
How about this? Makers of Five Nights at Freddy's, try this one on for Scythe, seeing as you're not really following any of the real canon of the overly complex and confusing backstory of the games. Make Abby's imaginary friend the ghost of Garrett the dead brother, and you let Abby be totally in the dark that they even had a brother.
And then, when it's revealed that Garrett is her brother and is talking to her, that you're able to kind of leverage this to tie it to the other ghost kids to lead them to the abductor and the one who killed him. But that wouldn't require the pizza restaurant robots. And that movie is also called the Changeling. Now that I'm, talking about it.
Yeah, but it would be something as opposed to the nothing that this movie is.
Have Abby be in the dark, that they ever had a brother, that she was born after the fact and they say that mom and dad never talked about him and have her say, like that's the name of my imaginary friend. There's the connection. Yeah, because Garrett was murdered but he's not one of the Five Nights at Freddy's ghostbots.
No, he was just apparently killed. He was just a test run For so much of the movie being spent talking about this missing brother. Once you get the reveal of like, oh, this person killed the yellow rabbit, killed him, and Matthew Lillard is behind it. All that's it. That's the only information you have. Yeah, it stops right there. Yeah, and you need more information about this. What happened to the body? And is he one of the toys? No, yes, did anyone bother to answer these questions?
How about this? You take the brown shirt kid, who's Freddy, and cast him as Garrett and that kid gets abducted. And then every time you see the kids in the woods, you only see the four kids and you never see the Freddy Fazbear representation. And then in the dream it is revealed to Mike that Garrett is one of the ghostbots.
I think that sounds great, or even show him in the dream so that when it comes to the point where they're asking Mike, what would you give up? And Garrett himself can say I can live again, but you have to trade me for Abby. Essentially, Any of that is something other than the big fucking nothing that this movie gives you in relation, like those little things, little changes that don't cost you any more money, it's just dialogue and it gives you some emotional connection and some emotional hook.
In this movie You're spending a lot of money on these animatronics and those look pretty good. We haven't really talked about those, but it looks pretty good. Yeah, I agree, all of that is fine, but that doesn't mean anything. Like we've said it a million times, nobody goes home whistling the special effects. That's. All this movie has to offer is some pretty good animatronics. The characters are so unbelievably stupid and you don't understand anything about them.
Are there relationships to each other that it's just confusing. This movie is mind-numbingly inconsistent.
Well, also, once it's revealed that these robots are possessed by ghost children, it begs the question. So ghost children are murdering adults, yeah, and then later they kind of brush that off like oh no, no, no, no, it was William Afton controlling them, so he's the real murderer. So you can just brush all that aside.
They can be kids again or whatever, even though as soon as their influence was broken, they turned around and immediately murdered.
Start Night 4 at Freddy.
Fazbear, and so Vanessa is looking over all these drawings that Abby has done, and especially the ones with the yellow rabbit. This is before Mike shows up with Abby she's already at Freddy's.
Yeah, but it's a big wall of crayon drawings that a bunch of kids had done. I don't think these are all Abby's drawings. It's like one big refrigerator door covered in scribbles that only a parent can love. And there's haunting sounds of children laughing and the camera focuses on that. One photo we saw earlier with the giant rabbit holding hands with the kids Right and we hear hauntingly we love the yellow rabbit Children shouting that out.
Mike and Abby finally show up and Abby says my friends say that Vanessa is nice and Vanessa is like oh, you mean the ghost children?
Mike is like wait, what you knew about this too, and she says well, I guess you just figured it out, that's it, there's no further discussion in this movie.
And she is totally casual about it, about souls possessing these robots.
And then both they do the next logical thing you would expect in this movie we get a montage of our three human characters working with the robots possessed by dead ghost children to build an oversized chair and blanket fort in the dining room of this abandoned pizza restaurant.
As the song Connection plays.
Our movie has turned into a fun comedic romp of a good time. The robots that we just saw stalk and brutally murder for Nairdow Wells are now doing their best impressions of Harry from Harry and the Henderson's, or Sloth from the Goonies.
It's crazy Chad. This was another of those scenes of like. I have nothing to hold onto here. I don't understand why any of these characters are behaving like this. Mike just saw a bloody handprint on a door just a day ago and now that he knows that the souls of dead children are operating these robots, how on earth are you not making that connection?
Mike whispers to Abby, remember to ask these guys about who abducted and probably killed our brother. I'm gonna go hang out with Officer Vanessa in another scene. So we cut to the storm of the restaurant and Vanessa's looking for tablecloths to make a roof for this totally awesome fort they just built. And Mike says how do you know where they keep the tablecloths in this place? And again, as I mentioned earlier, I was like I just thought she'd work there once upon a time.
And Mike in this back room. He looks over and he sees this old animatronic robot and Officer Vanessa says I wouldn't touch that. The insides have a spring lock to protect all of the poltergears so a human could wear the suit, but they have a spring lock inside Watch. And she pokes the inside of this busted robot abdomen and these springs snap shut like a bear trap. It's a real flaw of design, if you ask me about.
Another good question of why on earth design it like this if people are supposed to be inside it. It comes up at the end of the movie. It's like you built this thing. Why are you doing this? And Mike is like well, I feel closest to my brother here. Maybe I can go back in the dream and change what happened. Hey, who are you really? And she says well, I'm just somebody trying to help, like when I told you not to fall asleep and then you immediately went to sleep. You should listen to me more.
Then they just go back to the lobby without any further questioning on Mike's part of like it seems like you're always avoiding my questions when I asked them. When they go back to the lobby, they do so in time to see Abby about to touch the guitar, one of the ghost spots. They're like Abby no. And as soon as she touches it, like she gets a jolt of electricity and blacks out.
Then eventually it comes to you Like it's kind of a non-event other than, I guess, to show that these things are still dangerous, which we knew because they murder people.
We got to the parking lot and Mike is there with Officer Vanessa. She says just go home, mike, and take care of Abby. To which Mike says what are you so afraid of? In the storage room? You look terrified, officer Vanessa. She really escalates things and she says if you ever bring Abby back here, I will shoot you. And I was like holy shit, right, where did this come from?
Yeah, I know I thought the same thing of like wow, this really rosinach in terms of their interactions with each other.
Then it's the middle of the night and Mike just hops in his car with Abby and leaves his shift.
God damn it, chad. This is so stupid. And when he gets in the car, abby is like why does everyone look at you like they're mad at you all the time? He's like I know, it's so weird, it's like I'm a total shithead.
Back at the house, Mike picks up the phone and he calls someone and says hey, it's Mike, I need your help. So we cut to the following morning. So we've now got four nights. Okay. And Abby wakes up and she comes into the kitchen to find Mary Stuart Masterson waiting for her. And Abby says what did you do, mike? What did you do? I hate you, mike. And Abby runs to her room and she grabs a crayon and starts scribbling over all the faces of Mike in her drawings.
And Mike tells Mary Stuart Masterson when she calms down just tell her, I'm sorry. So then Mike goes to the pharmacy to get some more sleeping pills and his overly rude behavior causes the pharmacist to call Mike an asshole as Mike leaves. Why is Mike such an unlikeable character in this?
movie. But he is Like the pharmacist isn't wrong, cause the pharmacist is like you know what always helps me? A glass and more milk. And Mike just snatches the drugs out of his hand. He's like go fuck yourself. And that's what the drugist calls him an asshole of like. I'm with you, man. Our main character is a real jerk.
So Mike heads to Freddy Fazbear's Pizza during the day to go to sleep and dream about all of the dead children. You know he's surrounded by ghost bots, right, yeah, right, we don't think twice about this. But Mike does his off. He wakes up in the forest again and he sees Garrett there with his mom and dad, but it is full size Mike playing the part of Kid Mike. And then those five ghost kids in the woods. They're there and the main blonde kid in the brown shirt says you're here to save Garrett.
You can have this dream every night and be together with Garrett and your mom and I guess that's your dad in exchange for something we want Abby. And then Mike's dream mom says you know, mike, these ghost kids are right. Just let Abby go. You really weren't the right person to take care of her.
And then ghost dad is like ghost mom's right. Mike, you're a real piece of shit. Have you considered letting somebody else take care of her?
Ghost mom's like you know, mike, you never take the plastic off the cheese slices before making a grilled cheese sandwich. This is important. There's no way you can raise a child.
Also, son, I noticed how you burned that toast and still gave it to her anyway. You understand that she's got contusions in her mouth because of you.
Mike starts crying and he says, okay, I'll do it. And then he has a flash of Abby waking up and being happy to see him and he's like, no wait. I mean, no, this is wrong. I have my fingers crossed, that doesn't count. But then everybody disappears Too late. Mike, you already said yes, good, going jackass. Then we see the metallic feet marching through the restaurant and they look like the OG Terminator a little bit.
And then we're back in the dream world and the ghost kids run past Mike one by one, whisking along and slashing him with these like razor blade hands, and it's a real Freddy Krueger moment.
Absolutely.
They're all whispering Abby, abby. They're excited to bring her into the ghost world.
So the ghost kids are bad, like they're luring a child to her death and he wakes up when Mike comes to. He's in this chair that we saw at the beginning of the movie and as he looks around we see Jeff the boyfriend murdered. We see earphone kid down there. We see the half of Max.
We do see the security guard from the beginning, because his face is all butchered up. But you can't really see anything.
And he does manage to get out of this chair before he can get the face full of saw blades and it runs for the exit but it's locked and that is where we see that Foxy is coming for him.
Singing his doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom. And then there's a rush of the camera, mike screams and you're like, oh so Mike's dead now too, cause every time this has happened, the person on the receiving end of that does not live to see another day.
You would think so. But instead we cut to Abby Back at Mike's house, Seeing first Freddie and then a ghost kid in her house.
She comes walking out to probably fight with Mary Stuart Masterson, and in her home is a six foot tall robotic, freddie Fazbear and a ghost kid Right.
How did they get there? And that's her question. She's like what are you doing here, mary Stuart Masterson? The only thing we see of her are her legs played on the floor. She is dead unconscious drunk.
I figured she just polished off a box of sangria and she's sleeping it off.
And this kid, the ghost kid that inhabits Freddie Fazbear, is like hey, Abby, it's time to go play. And she's like how are we gonna get there? And so there's an absolutely hilarious scene where they get in a cab and the cabbie who doesn't bother to look at who's getting in the back of his cab until this moment, that's how you get killed, Right? So where can I take you? What? And it's Abby and this animatronic rotting monstrosity, and he says boy, I always get the weird ones.
Bum bum. And this is another YouTuber, a guy named Corey X Kinshin. Again, if you know who he is, it's like, oh, that's that guy. But moving along. So we cut to Mike and he's waking up and Officer Vanessa is there bandaging up all of his wounds from the dream ghost sequence. And Mike asks where are we? And she says we're at a police supply outpost. I was like what?
What kind of gang wars are happening in this city? What John Carpenter-esque assault on precinct 13 kind of world are we in, where there are just periodically supply posts for the cops and they're never ending war against the gangs?
Mike also says they tried to kill me, officer Vanessa. But you knew that Max, Herb, jeff, that old fat guy, and that other guy. You knew about all of this, didn't you? But Abby's innocent. She doesn't deserve whatever's gonna happen to her. Abby's in danger. And I had a dream and the ghost kids asked me to trade Abby to live and have a dream forever. And I said yes, but then I said no.
They said no backsees.
What do they want with my sister, Abby Officer Vanessa. Officer Vanessa says they just want to make her like them. What?
And then we get a cutaway just to let the audience know hey, abby is now showing up at Freddy's. And then we go back to the police supply place.
Officer Vanessa explains the backstory of this movie like the day new month of an episode of Scooby Do, when all those kids went missing. Police searched every inch of Freddy Fazbear's. They never found the children. The man who took them was a bad man, a cruel, clever man. He knew the police would never check one place inside the robots, so he hid the dead kids bodies inside the robots. I know what you're thinking. Wouldn't they smell after a while? And the answer is yes, it was funky.
There was a high degree of what people often refer to as mung.
But here's a more disturbing piece of screenplay bullshit. These kids didn't want to hurt anybody. The killer, he's the one who influences them somehow or something something. Because we can't have a movie where dead ghost children are murdering adults dressed as giant stuffed animals. I tried to warn you in my own way, so really this is all your fault, mike, but he's going to be coming for you. His name is William Afton and he was my father. What? William Afton?
The murderer of these children and presumably Mike's younger brother, was Officer Vanessa's dad.
And she is fully aware of this Right and has decided, as an officer of the law, to cover it up.
Yes, and she hands Mike a photo of her as a child, with a man in a yellow bunny costume and in the picture, officer Vanessa is holding the toy plane that Garrett had when he was abducted and Mike's like you knew about my brother.
The scene that I want to see more than anything, Chad, is her having an adult conversation with her father and saying like all right, I'm not going to turn you in, but you've got a pinky swear, You're not going to murder any more children. What about on holidays? Nope, not even holidays. Can I just give myself a little treat for Christmas? No, especially not around Christmas. That is when children experience the most joy. You are not taking any joy away from any more children.
You get to play with the dead kids you've already created, but no more.
Officer Vanessa tells Mike I didn't know about all of this when we first met. Sure, you had the same last name as the dead kid, but a lot of people have that same last name that we don't know. And she says the key to defeating the robots it's, let me think, electricity. Sure, why not? Here Take this cattle prod that we use in animal control, and here take a taser gun. Use that too. I'm sure that'll work on them.
And here's a glass of water. Try all of these. And here's your sleeping pills back. That's just because, if you get in real trouble, just take a nap.
Also, I can't come with you because my father's there. I won't be any good to you. He really messed me up as a kid. But you know what? Don't worry, I'm going to pull a little Scatman Crothers from the Shining. I'll show up anyway to save you. Okay, wink, wink, get out of here. Have fun killing the robots.
And so at Freddy's, the band starts playing. What?
song, are they?
Oh, it's the super scary one.
Chad the romantic secrets that you keep.
That's right.
You paid for it, might as well use it.
Yeah, you paid for the song. We're going to play the song off. Mike goes and she also tells him here's the best way to get inside, go through this outside vent and you'll avoid detection. Fine, and so he has to sneak in, which he does, and he slips past Freddy and Bonnie the bunny, who are playing their song.
Chica and Mr Cupcake escort Abby off to the side because they're going to go murder her.
Yes, and so with his super power, water Mike pours some on the stage and then shoots the stun gun at the water which fries Freddy and Bonnie bunny. And so they're all out of commission now, did the?
ghost children go to heaven or hell or purgatory, I think they just take a nap.
And so meanwhile Chica has Abby and this porcelain doll thing opens up and it's got the. It's the one that's got the. You know traps that broke the broom earlier. Yeah, and it's about to put Abby in there and Abby's like why are you trying to hurt me? And then Mike interrupts and fires a stun gun at Chica that fries Chica for a second.
Down goes Chica, down goes Chica. Mike saves Abby and he says Abby, I've been stuck in the past. I'm going to take care of you from now on. And Abby says I love you too, mike. And Mike says I didn't say I love you.
I mean, but thanks. That seems real sudden. It seems like it's really accelerating our relationship in a way that I'm not totally comfortable with. But all right, I mean I don't not love you. Does that work?
They escape. But then Mr Cupcake comes hobbling around, or hopping, and latches onto Mike's leg. Abby leaves and then we see the ghost boy over in the wings of the stage. Then Foxy the robot is still wandering around somewhere.
It's actually a pretty good. You know, as far as this movie being creepy, it rarely is, but seeing this kid standing in front of these open black curtains and stepping back into the darkness and then Foxy's eyes lighting up, it's like oh OK. If the rest of this movie had had stuff like that, it would have at least been kind of spooky.
Mike grabs a cattle prod and zaps Mr Cupcake. So Mr Cupcake is gone and then Foxy stalks Abby through the game room with a clank, clank, clank of his metal feet and his one good eye because he's got eye patch, because he's a pirate. Abby then hides in the plastic ball pit in the middle of the game room. She's definitely going to emerge with some form of hepatitis. And then from the shadows a new robot appears and it is the giant yellow rabbit with a clunk, clunk, clunk and it kind of growls.
So Mike shoots the yellow rabbit with his taser, but this rabbit is not fazed. By then, as promised, officer Vanessa shows up after saying she wouldn't do so, and she shoots Foxy with a taser and she saves Abby.
And then we get our villain speech, where this yellow rabbit that's kind of rotting, unlike some of the other. It's weird because this movie goes between these sort of perfect versions of the Freddy characters, but also sometimes they're rotting, and it's kind of confusing as to, ok, do they really look kind of gross and rotting, or do they look OK, or is this just the perception that Abby and Mike have of them, or anyway?
So but this yellow rabbit, he comes out and he's like hey man, I killed your brother and now it's my turn to kill you.
That's symmetry, man, symmetry. How does that symmetry? There's three siblings, yeah.
Then he says let's wake up all these kids, man, and they can play with you, Mike, and so all of the robots that were previously stunned start to come back to life.
Shouldn't his evil villain speech explain why he abducted and?
killed Garrett here. I mean, I think it's just for fun. He's right, is it that he's just back? Yeah, he's just a villain.
And it's just coincidence that Mike showed up to get this job as a night watchman.
That's the thing he never really says, or at least not to the best of my memory. He never says like when I saw your last name, man, I knew I had to give you this job. I had to get you here, man. It's been a long time since I killed anybody and I kind of wanted to. He takes off his mask at a certain point, revealing surprise, surprise. It's Matthew Lillard. Vanessa pulls a gun on him and he's like you're not going to shoot me, man, and so she pops him in the shoulder.
He's like hey, like ow, and Mike is telling Abby like you've got to make a drawing to show all the dead kids what really happened and show that the yellow rabbit was bad or something. And you're like, um, I guess that's how this movie is going to end.
Yeah, it's a real Herald in the purple crayon. Whatever she draws somehow manifests itself in the minds of the ghost kids who are still in the robots that they've decommissioned. I don't know. So Matthew Lillard, undeterred by the gunshots he just received from his daughter he just goes full Homer on Bart and just starts strangling her.
Yes, he's like hey, man, I only had two jobs for you. One was to keep this guy in the dark, the other was to kill him if he got too close. Man. And she says that's two jobs, and then he stabs her for making that stupid callback.
Abby draws a picture real quick that shows the yellow rabbit holding a knife and killing all the kids and she sticks it on the giant refrigerator door. Matthew Lillard looks over at the crayon drawings and he sees what Abby gribbled out in about 30 seconds and he says, like, what have you done? And then Abby says they can see you now, they know what you did.
And then the robots all start to turn on Matthew Lillard and Mike flips the breaker yeah, and then they just descend on him. All these row of the ghost spots descend on the yellow rabbit, and then the suit clamps start to dig into his flesh and you're like again why on earth put these in the costume you yourself are going to be wearing?
I think that the spring lock component is something out of the canon of the games of him being in it. So that's part of doesn't make it less stupid. Look, I'm not saying that make it less stupid, it's. Maybe it's just why it's there. And then, before Matthew Lillard, aka William Afton, dies, he says like I always come back, man, and that's a famous line from the game.
And then he takes the time to put the bunny head back on because he's a bit of a drama queen, and then Abby says what's happening? Asking the same thing that was running through my head for an hour and 40 minutes.
You should be ashamed of yourself for this runtime.
Mike says spring locks. And then Mike and Abby drag Officer Vanessa out of the restaurant, while the four robots drag the yellow rabbit off to the back room, probably to sing a rousing rendition of the romantic secrets that you keep. And then we cut to Abby in school. She's now thriving. Bo and Mike picks her up and they're having a little playful back and forth about what they're going to have for dinner.
But they make a quick stop at the hospital to see how Officer Vanessa is doing and Bo she is lying unconscious in the bed due to her stab wounds. So either Abby really snapped back to her new normal or Officer Vanessa is taking forever to recover from her stabbing.
I think maybe a little of the two combined. But again, we don't know time or place in this movie, so why on earth bother now?
Mike just says get better.
And then he's like we've got a real complicated feeling here where, on the one hand, you let your homicidal father run rampant without punishment for years and hid the death of my brother. On the other hand, you did save me and Abby. So you know, I guess it all evens out here.
Make sure you call me when you gain consciousness. We have got to get our story straight.
Yeah, a lot of questions, because the place fell apart kind of, but not really. There are probably going to be some questions that I have to answer and you know when people ask me lots of questions I get real confused because of all the pills.
Also, I need you to testify as a character witness in an unrelated court case where I'm getting sued for beating up a dad in front of his kid.
Also, there's the untidy matter of a corpse found in my living room. There are a lot of questions about that Also, can we?
live in your house because I'm being evicted from my house. I got a big red notice. There's no takesies backsies on that. Maybe if it was yellow, but definitely not red.
Cut to the teacher. You're doing a great job. Mike, You're really turning things around.
So we cut to Mike and Abby. They're back at the home. Their refrigerator has a new crayon drawing on it. That's very happy and it involves Mike and Officer Vanessa and Abby and the four murdering ghostbot children creations. And Abby asked Mike, can we visit my friends? Sometimes Nobody takes care of them now and Mike says you know what? Abs? Nobody knows what will something, something.
We'll see what the box office does. Abby, it is the most cynical ass, andy. I hate it. So I guess we'll see if this makes money.
So we zoom out and then we fade back into the restaurant where we see the main ghost boy with the blonde hair staring at the yellow bunny costume, which is just shaking and writhing and paying. I'm like again how many days have passed? Is this Matthew Lillard slash William Afton still alive in that costume? And then much like Al Pacino and the Godfather. The ghost boy just closes the door as the final scene of this movie.
You can ask me one question about my ghost cake, but only one, just this once. Yeah, it's a real nothing of an ending. And then there's a post credit scene where we cut back to the cab driver, who apparently has been sleeping in his cab for days and days.
Apparently. That's what people do when they get jobs they just go nap oh man.
If only I'd known that. And he wakes up and looks over in the passenger seat of the cab and there's the balloon statue and he screams. And then we get an absolutely intolerable Five Nights at Freddy's chiptune song.
It's by the Living Tombstone. It was some famous internet song about Five Nights at Freddy's, but terrible, seriously, they're going to make no less than four more of these there's no doubt it made a shit ton of money because people are into this franchise, like again.
It has spawned games and books and internet memes and YouTube influencers out the ass and it, like it, makes it some money. Five Nights at Freddy's is like the 12th largest economy in the world and it's one of those secret things that if you do not know about it then you don't know anything about it, but if you are in the know you realize like, oh, this thing is shockingly big, both among kids.
After its first two weekends it has made over $100 million domestically.
Yeah, and the budget can't be more than what? 20? I think it was 20. So that's I mean again, this thing is going to be a jug or not.
The question is how fast can they get the next one out?
I mean, they filmed this one in earlier this year, yeah, and you've already got all the animatronics made at this point, like you've done the heavy lifting on that investment and you've got all your stuff.
You don't have to spend much time writing a screen Right.
I mean, this was if it was a weekend. I'm shocked. Like I said, this is truly. I know we'll talk about rankings here in a minute. This is truly one of the shittiest scripts that has come across our desks on this show in some time. It's like man for it being such a legitimate cultural thing that nobody gave a fuck and that's stunning.
It feels like a movie that the script started one place, then they added the sister and then the aunt piece and then they got rid of some stuff. You know what I mean Like. It feels like a screenplay that maybe just evolved over time and by the time they got something that they felt was ready for cameras, it just was this Frankenstein's monster of ideas that none of it really cohesively ties together, which goes back to my original complaint.
They're just connecting all of these dots that don't fully come together. Yeah, and it could have been a really fun silly movie with more camp and over the top horror, but it's dealing with this main character and how he is processing grief and regret. That's no fun.
Yeah, it's no fun and it's also not well realized. It's not just that it's not a great time for kids, who is your audience, but also you're doing it in such a terrible lazy way that even if, even if the kids were into it, man, then there's nothing there, it's just bad writing in bad execution, as God bless them.
The listeners have heard us talking about here the amount of bad characterization and just a lack of exposition, and I don't need somebody to sit down and just tell me what the movie is about. But it would be nice if they cared enough to tell me you know basic facts like setting and motivation and things that you need to propel a story.
That is just what narrative is, and you can't get around that other than again, I guess, to appeal to an audience that is built in, who want to see these characters that they've been reading about and playing games about for a number of years come to life on the screen. But that's all there is to it. If you do not have a connection to Five Nights at Freddy's, there is nothing here for you as a viewer. It's not a real movie.
All right, it is, it is about that time. How, though, would you rank these movies?
I have to go worse to best.
All right, we can go worse to best.
All right, because I think the worst still remains hardbeeps. For me, hardbeeps was a slog. That is a movie that was so hard to get through. It is so blisteringly unfunny. It is just a movie where a bunch of robots go wander around in the woods and then go back to where they started, and it's shocking that. That was a movie that ever saw the light of day and there's nothing there right in front of it on. And number five on my list is this movie.
Five Nights at Freddy's only gets a nudge on account of the animatronics being pretty good. All the puppet work from Jim Henson Studios is is pretty cool and the character design which comes from the games, but the realization of that character design is kind of interesting. Other than that, there is nothing here. This is a real slog of a movie as well.
Like these bottom two, five Nights at Freddy's and Hardbeeps are movies that I genuinely regret ever having watched, given how little life I have left. Okay, then my number four is the Black Hole which has some interesting effects work and it has Ernest Borkine and that's it. That's all that movie has going for it, but I do find it kind of creepy. And then my top three are all movies I kind of like there's.
Number three is Class of 1999, because it's short and ridiculous and we just had a good time with that one. I like Class of 1999. I could watch Class of 1999 again. Choppy Mole is the same way. Number two for me, choppy Mole, I think, is silly and dumb but it's quick and the pace is good and I can watch that anytime. And my number one is Megan, which, despite being a rip off of a bunch of other movies, is at least something.
And we watched the unrated version which has a little more blood and a little more bite to it than the PG 13 version. And I think Megan is fun, I think it has something to say and is pretty good at saying it, and I think that it's mostly a good time.
Since you went from bottom to top, I'm going to go top to bottom, okay. My number one was the same as yours, megan. I agree that was a movie that I enjoyed more than I thought that I would. We also have the same number two Chopping Mole. Chopping Mole is a fantastic throwback to terrible 80s slasher. We have the same number three Class of 1999. Again, a movie that is so ridiculously over the top. It's short, it's stupid and it's a really good time. The bottom three is where we differ.
I'm putting Five Nights at Freddy's as my number four, just because the production quality was better and it kind of kept me guessing, but for all the wrong reasons. But I still found the movie to be terribly frustrating. My five and my six. I hate to say that I'm tied with Black Hole and Heart Beeps, but if I got to pick one over the other I would probably go with the Black Hole over Heart Beeps, even though during that review I said that the Black Hole was worse than Heart Beeps.
The Black Hole is just completely bonkers and misguided. There's a lot of really talented people in it and it's just. It's just such a weird, unsettling movie. And, to your point, heart Beeps is just. It was terrible. It was one of the worst things we've ever reviewed and the only reason I might put it above the Black Hole is because it was shorter.
Yeah, it somehow felt longer, though for me at least, heart Beeps felt. I felt every second of that movie waning on me like we were on some planet with increased gravity, as opposed to the Black Hole, which is longer, yes, but it felt like stuff was actually going on for the most part, and you've got a pretty good death with Anthony Perkins, and you know it's not a great movie, but it's interesting, and Heart Beeps is not.
But yeah, so, chad, with one season behind us, the only question is what's next.
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