The Dark Parade: The Heart of Horror #21: Bug

The Heart of Horror Hey there, everyone! Welcome to a brand new episode of Heart of Horror, a show that gets more romantic with every episode, and this is easily the most romantic episode. Yeah. The most romantic movie, certainly. It's swoonworthy, honestly. And with me, as always, covered in aphids. I've got a whole lot of stuff on my head. Obviously, Kate Pollock is here to talk about. Let's get to the stories, though. Well, okay.

It was more like a train of thought that led to a story, because I was covered in something. I literally had something happen yesterday. It's pretty graphic, though. Well, I mean, no time like the present. I'm so fucking glad my parents don't listen to this show. So, okay, so I've started seeing this guy, and I stayed around here for the last couple of nights, because my kid was at her dad, so all good. And this has never happened to me before, ever. I'm having sex, right? It was really cool.

And that had never happened to you before? No. It's a miracle. It's a miracle that I've done this show for so long. I never had sex. And Anne had a child. And Anne had a child, yeah, more to the point. So we were having sex. It was going very well for me. And it was going actually pretty fucking well for me. And then we sort of put my legs over his shoulders. You know, he was banging away. So the point where the evidence of it going very, very well for me was spraying fucking all my sex.

It was doing what now? It was spraying back in our face. Oh, wow. It was so much more like a ghost. Each the rest, yeah. That's amazing. Like cutting through the wake almost. You know, like a picture in a boat slicing through the water, carving the tide to either side. And then I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry. No, no, no. Don't apologize for that. And then like a, like a little, so okay, weird also. For the record, I've started off drunk. I've been out this evening.

I watched one really great film, one really terrible film. I think my friend sort of like decided to do some drinks after the terrible film. Right. So yeah. Anyways, so we started off without my underwear being removed. So just like, you know, moved to the side kind of thing. But anyway, I was having a real good time from the very get go. And when I went to put my, my. When can you jump over it? Yeah. My arm was leaning up and I went to press this.

It was floating high enough about ticket tickets if the same thing that they got off. It's like, you can't be funny. I think your, you know, can people turn my, you know, how you feel about it all the time? Like, I don't know, you know, just when you're out there and then that's the online page. I don't think they are. I don't think so. Because like you know, there's always a lot of time. Right. So you all know to come up about. It, Today, I had to put them back on because I had nothing else.

And I thought I would have enough time to get home and change before going to meet my friend. Oh, no. But I overslept. Uh-huh. Because we napped. And... Well, let's just say I still haven't shared or got changed, so. Wow. You say you just stink of sex. I'm fucking disgusting. Although my friend said that she couldn't smile anything, she said it was all fine. So I was just like, I'm a pretty hydrated clean person.

So, you know, it's like it should be okay, but I'm definitely going to be sharing after this recording. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, you might want to just... So we'll all have our listeners. Right. But I feel like that's true of every episode. Like every episode should end with a cigarette in a shower. Just wash that filter. Uh-huh. Save her it for a second with the cigarette. Right. And then like, all right, I got to move on with my life and do some extra.

Check it with yourself and be like, what is wrong with me? Right. I mean, this is literally how I feel every time I get off the phone from you. I'm just like, oh, here we go again. I get it fine. Speaking of tangentially related. But when you said being able to control yourself, it brought this to mind. One of the guys I work with recently told me, uh, and I work in a public high school for a year. Oh, right. Yeah. I'm going to go.

So, um, a, uh, a senior teacher in the school, uh, told me that... When you say senior, do you mean that the old or that they've been there a while? No, I mean, uh, grade 12 teacher. Oh, right. I'm just trying for my imagination. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So see, by, by senior teacher, I just mean, he teaches seniors. That's our... Oh, okay. Oh, right. Yeah, sorry. So, um, anyway, it tells me the other day that, uh, one of the kids at his class was just like straight jerk and off under his desk.

You're joking. No, no, I mean, it like doesn't have it out, but it's like over the clothes. But what? But what, what, what? Over what, what are they, what are they ranking over? I'm supposed to say, you can literally rank over. Right, yeah, I mean, these are like 17 year olds, so they're just, you know, it, like, they have an eriction by default. Yeah. And anyway, but apparently you just couldn't control himself, good-nang on, to get to the bathroom or whatever.

And, but apparently, did it to completion? How do you concentrate in that environment? How do I have so many questions? Yeah, I mean, I don't have all of the questions that you want to ask here. I'm sure. I just, how do you, I mean, how do you, you know, everyone, I'm like, you, how do you, I just don't, I don't understand. Like, what do the kids say? The kids must have learned. No, the kids absolutely knew and have been chastising this child ever since.

And, and, uh, and better yet, the, the teacher was like, yeah, I, like, I wrote him up for it, obviously, and submitted a, you know, an administrative referral, but it hasn't been processed yet. So, like, the kids just come to school every day, like he wasn't just jerking off at class. Yeah. Oh my god. Like, hang on, he's done this more than once? No, no, no, no, I mean, as far as I know, there's only been the one incident, but it's just gone on a dress. Is he like, is he like the weird kid?

I mean, he's got to be right. There was this kid at my school. Have I told the story? There's this kid at my school, who one time I saw, humping the table leg. And he was, he was a weird kid. And there were these rooms, no, okay, they were rumours and they probably weren't true, because you know how rumours are at school, right? But apparently, like him and his sister, oh, no, no, no, that's not cool. Well, also not cool, as she is mentally disabled. Oh, yeah.

Wow, it might have been just bullshit mean kid dreamers. That is an Epstein level of gross. Yeah. Oh my goodness. Yeah, man, right? All right, well, let's look at the first. Look, we've got problems of our own to discuss without dragging the incest into this. For our episode tonight, because we're not talking about healthy love. No, we're talking about the Billy Friedkin movie from 2006 called Bug. Yep. And you know, this is the director of the fucking Godfather, not Godfather, the exorcist.

Yeah. I don't know how you're just casually calling him Billy, like, you know, your old pals. Yeah, look. My buddy Billy, you know how he did. Um, I look, he's dead now. And so there's nothing he can say to disprove my claim that he and I were good friends. As far as anyone listening to Billy, Billy free and me.

They just sounded like the kind of, I don't know, I guess it kind of sounded to me like me and to free, but like Billy free and me like it was sort of kind of like a whole mock movie type. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we were, like skipping down the path. Yeah, I mean, I mean, practically a buddy cop movie. Basically, yeah. And so, BF, I called him. So BF directed this movie.

It was one of his later films and didn't get a lot of attention, which is kind of a bummer because I think it's one of his better movies from that period. Yeah. It's, it's got a, so the cast is, Willie, Michael Shannon, who's fucking amazing in this. So good in this. And Ashley Judd, who was, who kind of had a hot hand, she was in like that kiss the girls movie or something. Yeah, but she got fucked up by Weinstein and she's so. Yeah, which is a real bummer because she's quite good in this too.

She is. Yeah, she's great. And then Harry Connick Jr. is kind of the other big name in the movie. And this was at a time when, you know, they were trying to make fetch work. And, and trying to convince us all that, I Harry Connick Jr. could be in movies. And like the one I think of his copycat, like that's the Harry Connick Jr. performance I go with you. And yes, yes, which every time, which isn't great. It's, and it, because he's not a great actor. He's fine, but he's not great.

Yeah. And when you're going up against Michael Shannon and, and Ashley Judd in this movie, who were like going, like taking big swings, performance wise. Yeah. And I, I don't, I just don't think he hangs. But we'll get to all that in a minute. First, that's just what we're going to be talking about. A little preview, a little susan of what's to come. But speaking of coming, do we have a story of somebody coming with or around a ghost alien or weird object? He does. No, no, he does.

So this is off of Reddit. Oh boy. Yeah. So what's fun about this is there's an interesting sort of reply to it as well. Which I didn't hear about, which is I'm going to look more into for next episode, I think, because that's fun. But I just didn't have time. Okay. So I'll do this one. On account of all the, you know, coming. And maybe watching, I watched two movies at the cinema today and stuff. Yeah, but the, the more fun story is you having 100,000 wears like it, like crawl away on its own.

And I've had college and I've been like, bulls deep low in, in the Kendrick Lamar versus Drake, fucking drama beef shit. Yeah, well, sure, who isn't? Who isn't, right? So I've been busy. I've been busy. Anyway, hi, I've never posted it. So this is from I underscore is underscore underscore potato. Oh, okay. I, I as potato got it. All right. Yeah. Spout wrong. I have potatoes got any on the end of this one. This, and it says this girl in my class claims to have had sex with a ghost.

So hi, I've never posted. I need to speak in the weird kids. I have never posted anything here because I rarely use this, but I really need to take this off my chest. I've got this girl in my classroom. It's a bit weird. A lot of people make fun of her, but just because she's insufferable and talks about disrespect to the teachers and is generally a weirdo. I'll do it. That'll do it. I've been her friend. Time ago, probably meant a long time ago.

But stop because of a non-consented kiss she gave me, valid. I know she's a very spiritual person and believes in Celtic mythology and gods and whatever. She also mentioned that she wants to become a druid when she's grown up, which is weird because why would you go to an art school in Italy then? Yes, fair point. I happen to figure out that she is a boyfriend as I saw her write something on the chalkboard in a language and in a font I didn't recognize.

She wrote something that she explained to me was her name, ex another name with some hearts around it. Now, I don't believe in ghosts. I've heard. I've heard. Sorry. I hardly did as I believe it's ridiculously stupid, even if I had some paranormal activities in my house once in a while. Nothing too spooky just lies turning off randomly. She explained to one of my friends that the other name belongs to this guy that will call Fred.

Fred is apparently dead, but she told us that they're in a relationship. Okay, she may be delusional or something. I can understand that, but I found out just this morning that apparently she told one of my other friends that she had a full, she had full, so he's went and had a full intercourse. She had full intercourse with this ghost. She explained that while she was at the park near our school, she had summoned this ghost and that afterward they had sex.

She included that she could feel the quote, unquote spirits inside, along with a sticky ghost stubbornness substance after the whole deal. A sticky ghostly substance? Yeah. Okay, just making sure. Yeah. I'm making my notes over here. Okay. But it didn't spread on the face. She didn't add anything else, but she's known to be a witch. So I'm afraid she might curse me or something.

If me and my friends ask them all details, this isn't the only weird thing that she's done, but I hope that she's just mentally unstable or whatever. And she drumps all this because if this shit is real, I'm going to kill myself. Shout out to Fred, the ghost for getting laid by the girl in my class. Good job, homie. Just hope she isn't pregnant because I don't want to deal with her and her ghost babies. Yeah, all right. First of all, I feel like the author of the post was a little too sarcastic.

He's very judgey. I feel right. Not approaching it from a scientific point of view. No, that's, yes, there's definitely bias here. Right. Thumb on the scale. Like, the way that I'm writing this is meant to suggest that all of this is a little bit ridiculous. As opposed to the kind of investigative journalism we do, you know, yeah, yeah, where we try to get the professionals. You're right. Right. Professionals got damn it. So, are, okay, are any further evidence for the court?

No, that's literally just this, but then the, there was a comment from someone who said, as I said, I probably would have looked more into this if I'd had the time, but reminds me of the women, I don't know, maybe you've heard about this. Reminds me of the woman to claim to have had sex with Michael Jackson's ghost.

And actually got pregnant and wanted the Jackson siblings to take a DNA test because it was show that her child was Michael Jackson's even though he'd been dead for years when the kid was born. So I'll be looking into that one. All right. Well, yeah, put a pin in that listeners. Okay, so this seems like a fairly straightforward example, straightforward for us anyway. Yeah, professionals. Professionals of young girl, are we talking high school college age?

I'm hoping like at least high school, but it doesn't say. Okay. But probably, I don't know, his, his syntax and grammar is fucking appalling. That's why I've appalled so many times because I was like, that's not, so that's probably high school in Europe or PhD in America. Yeah, we're just about her being like art school in Italy. So probably college, like she's probably over on like a scholarship or something. Yeah, okay.

So and by the poster's own admission, this is a girl that's a little, you know, yeah, a little off the beaten path. Yeah, few are some which is sort of a panic. Yeah, so yeah, I'm a couple all of short of a deli tree. Yeah, yeah. So I'm thinking that this is probably just a, hate, aren't I weird and unique kind of thing? Like I want to believe this is true, obviously. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I mean, not just for Fred's benefit or for the young ladies, it doesn't sound like it was non-consensual.

No, she sounds, although I'm really hoping that it's not like a defense mechanism for something worse. Oh, right. It turns out that Fred is actually Uncle Fred who's very much alive. He just happens to be, you know, haunting Utah and comes to town once every two months. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you're probably, you're probably right. Like I'm like making light of all of this and there's probably a horrible tragedy at the, at the core of it, you know, hopefully not. Hopefully it's just she's that shit.

Yeah, that'd be great. That's kind of the best case scenario here is that she's just crazy. I'm really happy. Well, best case scenario is that, you know, all of this is on the up and up and she and a ghost both got laid and had a good time. Yeah, yeah, hopefully she's happy. It's all consenting and she's just a bit delulu. Hopefully. Yeah, hopefully. You know, I'm at the point now though where the idea of dating a ghost, not the craziest thing I've ever heard.

Yeah, and also as well, like, I don't know, the ghosts that we've come across for the most part. Um, come across. It's a mature show too. That's what I'm like. I'm such an infant. Uh-huh. Yeah, like the ghosts that we've sort of like read about and think they seem to have like some integrity, you know what I mean? Like, they're like usually they're pretty loyal and like, you know, they're intelligent and, you know, stuff like that.

So, you know, maybe she's just found an old soul, not too old, who, you know, just maybe a little bit lonely in the afterlife and she's all like in tune with it, you know, because she's self-acclaimed witch and whatnot and like, and they just, they found each other in the playground. The sexiest of all places. The sexiest of all. Well, apparently it's most like in the fucking classroom. I can tell you that. Well, yeah. Yeah, man, again, uh, teenage boy, any, any, any portness storm.

Yeah. And he holds a goal. Yeah, it's really true. Like, when I was that age, my move was, um, our downstairs couch. Like I'm not saying I fucked that couch, but I'm saying I definitely got to third base with that couch. For girls with the couch, it's the armrest. Yeah, sure. My friend, um, who will remain nameless when she was like too young to even realize what was happening, like not like, you know, three or anything, but she was like, I don't know, 10.

Um, she by accident made herself have her first orgasm on the armchair, on like the chair, the arm of the chair. What did she think what it happened? Was she like, holy shit, that was amazing. Yeah, but it's just like, I have questions. Yeah, she didn't really expand too much beyond that, but I was just like, no fucking way. Yeah. Um, I was, uh, yeah, the, uh, yeah, the arm, I'm gonna say, uh, yeah, pretty, pretty reliable. Well, look, uh, many of couch has been the first lover of many of teens.

Unwitty. That like not only is it a, uh, perfectly reliable sleeper, so, uh, it's oh so much more. His legs. Yeah, there's, yeah, there's definitely a layer. Lair is something. Um, all right, well, let's, let's talk about this. Maybe this was the first time you'd seen this. Yeah, yeah. I hadn't actually even heard of it or maybe I'd heard of it, but like, I'd literally heard the name. Like, I hadn't heard anything else about it. I didn't know who was in it. I didn't know the premise, nothing.

Like, you know, so. Uh, are you like me and when Michael Shannon shows up in a movie or are you like, oh good. Yes, yes, 100%. I'm like, yeah, this will be a good, this will be a good time. This will have some, you know, have something to it this film. Um, I really enjoyed, you know, it's funny actually, because he really is character and the way that he was kind of reminded me a lot of, um, uh, Peter Evans in his performances sometimes and this character is called Evan Pears.

Oh, hang on, wait, is it Evan Pears? No, no, it's a Peter Evans too. Evan, you were my real Peter Evan Pears, but he's called Peter Evans in this one. So that was quite funny, because I didn't realize like that that was his name. In it at first, like, and I was just like, oh, it's kind of like that kind of sort of awkward, but like hot guy awkward, you know, like. Well, yeah, when you first meet him, so he, all right, he's the first.

Yes. Uh, so the premise is, uh, Ashley Judd is down on her luck living somewhere in the south. Yeah, in a motel. Yeah, living in a motel working in a bar at night. Um, what do you do into? Yeah, way too many drugs. Um, sort of not really, I don't want to say dating, hanging out with a lady who works with her. And they've kind of shacked up together a little bit or, you know, they've got a, at least a little bit of a relationship coming on. I thought that they were friends.

I, uh, I felt like it was a little bit more than that. Not like full on. I mean, I know they kind of like share kind of a good bike, but like, I've kissed girlfriends goodbye on the lips. Maybe so. It just felt like it was like, eh, you know, I think like if they, if they wanted to, they could like, I know that sounds obvious, but like, I feel like they're like just, you know, given the right circumstances, that would definitely be a train that'd be hopping on. Yeah, we're on the same page.

Like it's on the table. We're both kind of aware of it. It's, yeah, it's, it's a thing, but it's not a thing. And exactly. So, uh, but, you know, but, but they're friendly and it's somebody she can count on and, yeah, you know, and which is what she needs because what we learn is that, she is also dealing with the fact that her husband, uh, as played by Harry Conning, Jr. has just gotten out of jail. And it may or may not be making these late night phone calls to her motel room.

Yeah. And it's a motel, not a hotel room. It is a motel room. Um, it is, it is shitty. It is. It is. There is no luxury to any of this. No, this is one of these, like, sweatiest, sedious movies you're going to see, um, in some time. But, uh, but yeah, yeah. So, um, entered the picture one night comes Michael Shannon, who is an acquaintance of this, uh, friend of hers. She could all say. Yeah. And it's just like, hey, he's going to, you know, he's real quiet. He's just going to hang out.

And initially, Ashley Judd is like, I don't, I don't want anyone else around. Like just, and she's like, no, no, no, no, he's school. He's quiet. He's going to be fine. And, uh, and as it happens, they, they are, you know, both kind of wound, initially, it seems like they're both kind of wounded people. And it's, uh, like a moment of, like, hey, if you want to hang out, that's fine. Because, you know, you're not, you don't seem like you're a terrible guy.

And, um, we both kind of need somebody right now. Yeah. And like she probably feels a bit safer with him around with these like phone calls coming in all the time. She's just found out like her ex is now on bail, um, or on parole or something. And, um, he's on parole, isn't he? And, um, you know, she probably just sort of feels kind of like a bit safer with him around. Because he also says as well that he's not into girls, like he's not into women. Yeah. Yeah. Like initially anyway.

So, um, like it's kind of like, oh, okay, he doesn't really seem to be posting a threat, but he's kind of like a good sort of like very tall, broad guy who I can feel safe around. Maybe hang out a bit. Yeah. And I think she's very lonely, isn't she? So, oh, absolutely. And I think a lot of this movie comes back to like what she needs here. Um, you know, like emotionally, she has no emotional support in it has been through this incredible trauma. Mm-hmm.

And, you know, it's kind of, in fact, yeah, and it's just this horrible like wrong place, wrong time of meeting a schizophrenic. Um, but which we don't know initially, he, I mean, he seems a little off. He seems real like just a little odd. Yeah, like he kind of, maybe on the spectrum, very awkward, just kind of very quiet, introverted kind of guy. But he's like initially at first, it seems more like a social anxiety type thing as opposed to like a dangerous thing. Right.

And so, you know, they're starting to spend a little more time together. And we made a number one for my money is when she says, well, um, do you have a place to stay? And he says, well, I'm kind of between places right now. That's, well, that's not a great sign. Like even though that she has got like, she's like really in a bad way, she still has like a, you know, a consistent roof over her head. It might only be a motel, but, you know, she can say, hey, this is where I'm currently living.

Yeah, she has an address. Yeah, like despite her circumstances, which are not a fucking great. So this guy who hasn't even got that is kind of like, ah, uh, and she's like, well, you can, you can sleep on the couch and he's like, uh, I don't know. I feel a little weird about that. And she's like, no, no, no, it's fine because like we're not going to sleep in the same bed. And you need somewhere to stay and I'll feel better if you're here because of these calls.

I'm getting so it works out for everybody. So win win. Yeah. Yeah. All right. And so just like that. Yeah. Um, so now he's in her place. And there's this like ultimately kind of this weird moment where he announces to her. Like, well, I don't really, uh, want to have sex with people, but I think I could with you. Yeah. But she's so damaged that's her. That's like, oh, cute. It was. I'm so like me, you know, like, if they different from other girls, I think I can fix him.

Yeah. This broken stranger. Oh my god. You like me. So, um, so they do, they fuck and I don't. This isn't good fucking too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It claims to not be into it. Like, they're in a pretty good job. Yeah, I mean, some quality nipple sucking in this maybe. Yeah. If that's your thing, it's got a great buddy. She's great. Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, yeah. At first, uh, you know, I, because I keep forgetting that there's like some fairly, uh, explicit nudity in this film. Yeah. Um, yes.

And, and that first shot of her breasts, like her face isn't in it. I'm like, ah, that's probably not her. And then you see her at the end here, like, oh, that's totally her. Holy shit. Yeah, it's definitely her. Yeah. You know, Ashley Judd holding it down. Good job. Oh, jokes. Um, Ashley Jax. That's sorry. I'm sorry. That's terrible. And uh, uh, she's hot though. She is. She is. Um, at any rate. Yeah. So after the fuck. That's a respectful way. Respectfully. She is not. Yes. Excuse me.

Okay. All right. So after they fuck kind of two things happen, one, we learn that, um, uh, uh, that, you know, he's not gay as he points out like this whole, you know, I don't normally do it with women. It's just that he's like, well, I'm kind of maybe sort of on the run. And she's like, what did you, did you just get out of jail or something? Like, what the fuck is going on? Yeah. And he's like, no, no, no, it's nothing like that. But I was in the army and just like, there's some shit going on.

I can't really talk about it. And wait a second. Is that something fucking bit me? And then he, this is where like the shared psychosis begins. And that's what I think the most interesting part of this movie is, is him saying like, look, here's this little bug that I've got between my fingers. And she's like, oh, I don't know if I see it. And he's like, yeah, yeah, it's right there. It's right there. Okay. I think I see it. But what is it?

And then they have this whole kind of jockey conversation about like, well, it's not an a fit. Well, what's an a fit? Well, an a fit is like a termite. Well, what's a termite? Like a termite. It's like a termite. You know, like all this kind of stuff. And you know, he's like, no, it's not a bed bug. It's something else. And it's like, what's a bed bug? It's like, it's a bed bug. Great. That looks big. Oh, I thought there was just a nickname or something.

No, no. But and he's obviously kind of obsessed with it. Like, you know, well, you don't want to be sleeping in a bed with bugs. Do you got to get up and I'll pick up some stuff from the store tomorrow. Cut to there. Now fly strips hanging from the ceiling everywhere. He's got like a cardboard box filled with a pest spray. And and and so we've we've amped up a little bit. Yeah. No lamps or anything yet. There was no no. And the tin foil has not begun. No, oh my god, the tin foil.

But you it's starting to escalate like you start to feel like, okay, like in a typical horror movie, I do feel like this is legitimately a horror film. Oh, yeah, I do. And it's just not it is not the like killer bug movie. There is another movie called bug about killer cockroaches from the 70s. Yeah. But I mean, if that's what you're looking for, that's the movie to go to. And I recommend it. It's what's his name Bradford Dillman. He's in it. I believe. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, I've not seen it.

So and and they blow up their little their like cockroaches from the center of the earth. So they're real hot and they they melt shit and catch things on fire. Oh my god, amazing. It's it's pretty great. That's like like in the 70s, you can make a movie about fucking anything. Yeah, you know, giant killer rabbits. Boom, that's a movie. Yeah. Anyway, what the fuck are you talking about? Oh, yeah, bug. Yeah, we put the bug strips. Yeah, so bug strips are down.

Harry Conning Jr. starts showing up and is like, what the fuck is going on in here? And Michael Shantz like, hey, I think the lady wants you to leave. You better get out of here, man. Um, which isn't not a bad Michael Shannon. Now the more that I'm doing it, the more I'm sticking by it. Yeah, I think you should. Um, but yeah, so all of that stuff is ramping up.

And Ashley Judd is feeling threatened in Michael Shannon is kind of protecting her, which only furthers this dependency that they're forming. Mm-hmm. And she's just generally like, even if I think even if like her axe hadn't turned up, I think she's still in such a vulnerable placement. Lee like, it still would have happened. Anyway, just because like she's latched to this person. Yeah, well, she has that monologue at one point where she's talking about how she sees her life.

And all of the things like she just wants all this normal bullshit to go away. And, and I think that's part of her like dealing with the trauma of losing a child. And having a child kidnap like you never really know what happens to this kid. Yeah. And, um, and you know, like she's just shattered as a person as a result of this. Mm-hmm. And her like talking about the normal things that people occupy themselves with and how she can't relate to it and it's all bullshit.

And her life has to be something bigger or different. Um, and it's just because like, oh well, she can't have a normal life because she's just a wreckage like she is, she is a scorched battlefield of a human being. And, yeah. And can't like be in a real relationship and can't feel feelings properly. Like all those things that happen with trauma. Mm-hmm. And in walks this guy who's like, you know, hey, I'm going to take care of you. And, um, also, I think there's some bugs on you.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, definitely. And like the way that, I mean, she kind of initially is just like, okay, all right. But she's so quickly kind of like, get us behind this idea. And he has this, he does have this kind of like weird, um, kind of a pull to him. You know, like he kind of draw her in and like as an audience, like you do kind of feel that too. I mean, I did. I like, I didn't, I wasn't like, hey, let's jump on the mic all the time and train here.

But like, I was like, is he like, is this a thing? Like, you know, when he's like, when he starts talking about like the conspiracy theory stuff, I was like, is that what happened? Is this true kind of thing a little bit? So like, you know, if I was her in her position in her mental state and everything, like I can very much see how that could escalate so quickly, um, despite the fact that she does sort of at first resist a little bit. She's, you know, she says, just, I can't see the bug.

Like, but why is this like, where is this kind of like, you know, she does have questions, but he does quite quickly sort of. Either explain it away or just kind of ignore a question and distract her with something else. Right. Or he'll, you know, do that thing of like, I'm going to answer your question with a question. Yeah. Yeah. Like, who would benefit if this were true? Yeah. Like, no, no, no, why, you know, that's exactly what they want you to think.

And, and, and you get like you said, there are those moments where she's like, you've got to help me understand what the fuck you're talking about. Because it's starting to sound crazy, but rather like, there's a moment where he kind of goes full tilt on like, oh, I was part of this government experiment. And that's why people are looking for me.

Yeah. And I think just what is as humans, we don't want to, and you know, as empathetic people, we don't want to diminish someone's experience, like, especially fits in a negative experience. You don't want to be like, you know, saying, well, that's bullshit or, you know, or like get over it, buddy, or, you know, anything like that. So you kind of like, I don't say pandered to it, but you definitely give like allowances for certain things.

Like, if someone said something, you'd add that sounds a little bit unrealistic or unbelievable. You kind of like, you don't, you know, you don't try and argue it. You don't sort of like, you know, you're more likely to kind of accept it a little bit because you want to believe that they're being genuine about something like that. You don't like to think that someone is going to make up stuff like that for the sake of making it up.

And although, like, yes, he's like a schizophrenic and he's a paranoid schizophrenic. Like, she doesn't know that and she's not necessarily got the wits about her to kind of put that together and be able to take a step back from the situation to identify it. But what it is. So it's it again, it's very sort of like understandable like why she would get drawn into this narrative. Yeah. And I think the term for is the Fully I do.

Which is like the shared sort of hallucination of this shared reality that two people who are having sort of a nervous breakdown that they're both kind of in the midst of. Which, you know, I know we were talking about Rose Glass, the director of Love, Lies, Bleeding and St. Maude before the show. But yeah, like I just realized like, oh, yeah, this is kind of the same ending. Yeah. Which is unusual, but also a movie about psychosis and a schizophrenic character.

But yeah, when he has this sort of blow up where I'm going to vomit all of this crazy bullshit at you. And she goes into the bathroom and it's like hiding in there as he's spewing all this stuff out. And he's like, all right, well, look, I'm sorry, I guess I'll just go. And she's like, no, wait, don't go. And that's the point, like that's the turning point where it's like, you fucked up. Yeah, you should have let him go. Yeah. If you'd walked out the door, then you might have been okay.

Yeah. Not great, but okay. Yeah. But now she's like doubled down on it. She's like made her, made her bed on it kind of thing. And that's it. She's in. Yeah. And starts like, oh, yeah, I see the books too. And every time a helicopter goes over, there's a really interesting, the directorial thing where inside the motel room, like the cameras bouncing around and the sound of the helicopter is just thundrous.

And then you cut outside and it's like, it dissently, like just a, you know, like barely audible, but just in their, you know, fever dream. Yeah, everything's heightened. Yeah, it's like this again, it's Billy, Billy free. Uh, directing the shit out of this movie. Like this is such a well directed movie. Like even the sexy and that we were alluding to is like really well done. It's like, it's, you know, it's kind of hot and it's really intimate and personal and. Yeah. And like passionate.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. And like this really kind of good sort of like, that kind of yellow lighting, whereas like, because it's, it's that kind of like, I kind of describe it, but it's like the, the sun, but it's musky and it's, it's, you kind of get that, yeah, like that kind of like intimate, musky kind of like, like, like, did I, I'm not describing this very well, but do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, that kind of hazy look to sunset sort of thing. Yeah, yeah.

And like, it's just those two and like in that room and like the whole world has sort of disappeared kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah. And so now that she's had that connection, um, you know, she's double down. Her friend comes back and is like, what the fuck is going on in here? Because the 10 foil has now come out. Yeah. And covered literally everything. Like walls, tables, lamps, I mean, it's like it is, it is the home of someone who has lost their fucking mind. Yeah, it is.

And, um, Michael Shannon has started like looking at slides of his blood under a microscope to find bugs in his blood. Because that's right. Go ahead, sorry. As I said, they're like, they, I mean, I don't know whether he does, but like, they probably wouldn't even know what they were looking at. And like, but anything kind of like, you know, that looks a little bit strange. Oh, that's it. That's it.

I mean, like, you know, Ashley Judd definitely wouldn't know what she was looking at looking at a blood sample. Yeah. You know, so she'll just see like the blood particles or whatever. I mean, I don't fucking know either, but like, you know, whatever makes up blood. Like, she sees those kind of moving around in there, which is a perfectly normal thing to see in blood. But she'll, because she's now sharing this psychosis. She's like, oh my god, this is a thing like she looks at it.

She's like, oh my god, it's like there. It's there. And it's just like, huh, do you even know what you're looking at? Like, you know, like, but they've, they've just convinced themselves that like, whatever it's the thing of like whatever is that, they were going to see something. Yeah. Well, they're just like crazy improv comics, yes, and in each other. So it's like, you know, hey, I've got, you know, there are these bugs in my blood in this like, yeah, I see that.

Also, I think there was some in the bathroom. And like, I mean, it's just we're going to keep building this story because she doesn't want him to go away. And she knows that if he does, if she doesn't buy into it, he leaves. Yeah. And so he starts scratching it himself. So he's got like these like open wound. And they just keep like batting at themselves. Like, there's like, you know, like you're doing this a flyer and like, oh, fuck off kind of thing. But they're just constantly doing it.

And I notice as well that whenever like he does it, she mirrors it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She completely imitates his behavior. Yeah. Yeah. And she starts getting like, well, some scratches from herself doing it to herself as well. But that's literally like, there's nothing going on. And like, it's, yeah, it's just crazy. There's a scene where they order a pizza. And it's a little more towards the end of the movie. But the level of freak out.

At this guy showing up at their door, just like it's some pizza dude who got the wrong door. And it's like, hey, I got a pizza and they're like, just leave it, leave it at the door. And he's like, you got to pay me for it. How much is it? You know, it's like, it's like 14, whatever. Yeah, yeah. And they like slide money under the door and leave it there. And Michael Shan is like, no, no, you can't leave it out there. You got to bring it in. Otherwise, they'll get suspicious.

Yeah. And yeah, the big looming day. Right. You know, this government that is out to get them because of experiments blah, blah, blah. And they bring the pizza in and they open it up and like, they're opening up like it could be a fucking bomb. Yeah. And there's just a regular Schmiggler pizza in there. But they grab like a piece of sausage or something and put it on the the microscope. And Michael Shan is like, I don't know what I'm looking at.

You look at it and Ashley Judd looks at it and she's like, I don't know what I'm looking at. But I don't think that's mean. And then they like freak out and throw the pizza away. I'm a person freak out. Oh my god. Oh, the sons of bitches like they're trying to fool us. And it's just like they have just lost their fucking minds at this point. Yeah. And there's like that. God, it's an amazing scene like the two of them are just so intense where he's building this narrative into her narrative.

And it's like the yes and game kind of thing and she's linking these things over nothing like she's like, it's just making up a story like this. Like making these links that just do not exist about him and then how it ties into her kid. Yeah. Like her kid was kidnapped so that the government could orchestrate the them meeting each other so that they could form this bond and have sex and create this super bug.

And you like the mother right at one point she's like, I'm the mother queen and like and through the course of the movie he's like pulling teeth out because an egg sack was beneath it. Yeah. And like so before the the final crescendo we've got to talk about the the doctor showing up. Oh my god. Which is that happens a little bit before the pizza scene but I mean who cares it's in the throws of them being crazy. And Michael Shannon is like a sleeper in the bathroom or something.

Yeah. Yeah, I think he's asleep. Yeah, I think that's right. And so the doctor shows up in this like neon lit aluminum foil nightmare. And it is like what the fuck is going on? And she's like, you know, oh you're here to collect him. He's like, what did he tell you again? Because I'm his doctor and he's just gone off his meds and he's like, you know, paranoid schizophrenic. And he starts to put together like, oh, she's kind of bananas too.

And then Michael Shannon wakes up and comes in and he just has to like shift gears the doctor does where he's like, okay, I'm going to tell him like, okay, you're right. All of this, all of what you're saying is true and I was blackmailed into like being your your project handler and blah, blah, blah. And the whole time he's like getting a drink ready to be like, I got it, I got to put this guy down and we got to throw him in a truck and take him to a mental hospital.

Yeah. But before you can do that, he like, you know, goes to stab him with the the hypodermic needle. But Michael Shannon, who has like this big ass first blood part two knife, just carves up this doctor like nobody's business. Oh, Rotherl. And he's convinced that he's a machine and that he's like from the government. And he's like, yeah, and he's like, he's not real. He's not real. And like, look, look, I'm proving it. And it's like, it's so sad.

Like, I just found it so sad because I found it's, I found, I was just, I felt so sad. So so for literally everyone in that scene. Oh, yeah. Because, you know, like, obviously the doctor, poor fucking guy, just trying to sort of help Michael Shannon out and stuff, doing the best that he can by himself in this fucking mental situation. And like, getting murdered. And then, but just it's very sad that Michael Shannon's character because he genuinely believes

in what he's saying and he's going, look, look, he's, I'm proving it. Like he's not real. I'm proving it. I'm proving it. And like, and all you can see when you're, you know, as an audience, you're just like, it's just a guy, you just killed a guy. Yeah. Like, he's like grabbing her hand and putting it on the wound like, see it, see it? It's not, it's not real skin. And like, looking at the blood off his hands, like, that's not blood that I'm tasting. Yeah.

You know, like, you know, they send a machine. He doesn't know what he's saying. He's, you know, he'll say anything. That's what he's programmed to do. Yeah. He'll say anything to get you to leave with him and, and all of this and, oh, gosh, it's so sad. Right. And that's kind of the thing that tees off the final, you know, like that, a bit of improv where they want up each other until she's like, okay, yes. I like, you had the drone in your body. I had, I am the queen and all of these.

It's like, like you said, it's so sad because she's like, all of the bugs in this place are our children and they'll never leave us. Yeah. And you're like, oh, fuck. Well, like, this couldn't be more obvious what this breakdown you're having is about. But also, there's just nobody. Like, there's no, there's no safety net in her life. There's nobody there to stop this from happening. And so, No, because even when like, Rc turns up and stuff, she's just like, what the fuck?

And she's trying to convince her to go and like, out of there and, you know, get away from from Michael Sandin's stuff. But like, by that point, like, Ashley does just, she's not as in it as she gets, but she's in it enough to, to, to stay and to ignore her friend. And like, Michael Shantz says, oh, no, no, no, she's part of it.

Like, she, you know, they sent you in to like, oh, and like, again, so the only, the one person that she has that could maybe get her out, like, she's just brainwashed into being convinced that she's also part of this conspiracy. And like, their friendship was never real. And, you know, it's just, she, I mean, like, obviously, like, you know, he's very ill. He's, I don't think he, like, he's trying to do anything out, like, you know, outside of this mental illness, if that makes sense.

Like, he's not, yeah, he's convinced this was all true. Yeah, yeah, he's not being vindictive. He genuinely thinks that what he's saying is real. And like, and he just convinces her that, like, this one life line that she has convinces her that, like, no, no, no, she's, like, she's part of the problem and isolates her so completely into this shed psychosis and this motel room of madness, you know. Yeah. Yeah. That's my new movie, the motel room of madness. The motel room of madness.

It's a little big. Yeah. I think it's going to sell well. Yeah. I mean, it writes itself. It does. Yeah. Really, it's just a remake of bug. Yeah. But with a cool title. Yeah. It's hard to me. But yeah, so after they come to this realization, they decide, well, we can't let the world ruin. Like, if they come in here, they'll take us away from each other and they'll destroy all our bug children. Yeah. And so we're going to go the James, uh, James town route of like, you can't fire us week with.

Yeah. So we're going to. And again, it's very St. Maud in a lot of ways where they douse the whole place with gasoline and then strip down naked and douse each other with gasoline while saying, you know, I'm the drone. I am the mother queen. Yeah. And then outcomes, the box of matches. One of the things that I think is really interesting in this moment is that she's the one who takes the match out of the box. Yeah. Like, she is complicit in entirely.

There's no question that she is like, yes, we should set ourselves on fire right now. Yeah. It's definitely like a shared action. You know, he picks up the matches. She picks out the match like it's, yeah. And we're not just him leading it. Except at the very, very last minute, are they very last like nanosecond where she seems like as soon as the matches struck and the fire starts, there is that moment of like, oh, shit, I'm about to die.

Yeah. And maybe I have made some poor decisions long away. Yeah. It's a slight moment of clarity. Yeah. And but then it's just an explosion and it's all like they're gone and, you know, the motel is probably condemned at that point. Yeah. But yeah, and you know, there's this weird kind of interstitial moment in the credits where it's like a phone ringing and like a near a child's hat or something that I'm sure it's a nod to the kid. But I'm not, I'm not exactly sure what that's about.

But still, so this being your first experience before we get into the relationship stuff, well, how do you feel about bug having experienced it for the first time? Yeah, I really enjoyed it. It was a very original film I thought like it's essentially a single location and it's, it was based on a play.

Yeah. And when I've, when I read that afterwards, after what, oh my god, I can so see that this was like a play because it's so sort of like dialogue heavy and it's just between mainly these two characters that just sort of, yeah, just sort of bounce off each other and create this narrative for themselves. And then the way that these two characters come together, both sharing like not the same trauma but just sharing in trauma, having been experienced.

And it's kind of beautiful in a way, but in that really like awful way. It's just like a perfect storm of shit, you know, and it was just a film that was like, I just, I wish you could like, I wish could sort of like show what my facial expression was like. And then we had the same expression throughout watching most of this film, which was this slight like, what the fuck? Yeah. Like, you know, I'm just like, oh god, no, no, no, don't, okay.

Yeah. Yeah. It's an incredibly tense viewing experience. It's really intense, yeah. And you know what's so weird is the day after I watched it, I had, I was like, I was like a missing kid experience with my own child. Oh, no. Yeah. I was in a supermarket and I was looking at the books and because always. And I had said to my kid, so the book is the same aisle as the toy aisle, just either side.

So I'll look at the books and surely the look at the books too, or she'll look at the toys and I'll tell her, no, I'm not buying that for you. And because it will just be shy, I don't mind buying her stuff every now and then I'm going to be like one of those ones that just says no, but like usually it's crap. I'm like, I'm not spending 15 quid on that. No. Right. But I like, you know, she can look at that.

I'll look at the stuff that I'll also go, no, Kate, you're not buying that, you've got team anything. And anyway, so I turned around and she was gone. And I went around to the other side because there's another aisle that has toys on, so maybe she's there. No. And I'm like, going back and forth and I'm like, where is she? And we were looking at clothes earlier. I picked up some summer dresses for her because the weather's just turned for summer. And so I was like, maybe she's gone back there.

So I went a few miles down to the clothing aisle and she's not there either. And I'm by this point, freaking out. And I'm shouting her name and I'm like panicking and I'm running up and down the aisles. I cannot find her anywhere. I then go to security and tell security and my child is missing. And you know, like when you're in panic mode, just the, I don't know, I don't know, maybe maybe this is, it doesn't happen to you. Like the stupidest thoughts just end to your head.

And all I could think about was like, I have 36 hours, you know, like because of all the fucking. Oh, right. I watch, you know, like it wasn't even like a logical thought. It wasn't like, I know this in fact, I'm like, right in criminal mind. They said that there's 36 hours more like taken. It's a 36 hours. And I'm just like, fucks, hey Kate, this is not a film. Fucking focus. You know, because your mind just panicked.

And so I'm like telling security guard and there's this, you know, the other mom's like, what's she look like? What's she wearing? And I'm like going, oh my god, this is not happening. This is so fucking insane. I like, like this cannot be happening. This doesn't, you know, this doesn't happen. And the security guard puts it over the tannoy and he says, go back to where you were. Like in case she comes back. And so I go back and she's still not there.

And a whole while I'm still looking around the aisles, still shouting her name and everything. And I'm like hyperventilating by this point. And then like I turn around and the security guards waving and he's like, come here, come here. She's here. And a mom, another mother had found her and brought her back and it turns out what happened is she had gone to the chocolate bar aisle. And in that time, I had realized she's gone.

And then I've gone off, she's come back to find me missing as well because I've gone off looking for her. And then so she's wandered off the other way and it's just wandering off a different part of the supermarket to where I'm at. And we both just like clung to each other crying and everything. And it was just the single worst moment of my fucking life. You know, and it was just so mental how like that happened like the day after I watched this film.

I'm so glad that it happened after I watched this film. Because I think if I had that experience watching this film, like, you know, like what, you know, before watching this film, I think like I probably would have been like, you know, like just like, and I just, you know, God, everything goes to your mind. And I was just like, oh my God. And it was so weird. I was like, Michael, like, her dad, I was just like, Michael's going to be so fucking mad at me.

And I just like, it was just the dumbest thoughts were going through my mind. But yeah, like, so, you know, obviously I hadn't, that hadn't happened to me. Like, watch this film. So there's a very intense watching anyway. But like I was thinking of like, obviously, when I, yeah, found her and she was fine and we were fine and we went and got a lot of ice cream went home and, you know, just cuddled on the sofa watching cozy films and like eating ice cream.

You know, but like after I sort of like calm down and like, it's okay. It's okay. Um, I was like thinking about like this film and I was thinking like, Jesus Christ, like, I can completely, like I understood her, like, Ashley Judd's character as a character. Anyway, just, you know, because I was like, fuck, I really understand that because like, I probably, I don't know what I've done. I'd have probably been breaking down.

And like, I think as well, when you have a missing child and you, and you don't have the closure of even, even no matter how horrible knowing what happened to them is because it, it's never going to be good is it?

But like not having that closure and always wondering and always being on the lookout and always see it like, you know, the peripherals, you know, seeing you kid or like looking for headlines, like, you know, just constantly searching constantly, like blaming yourself and, you know, 10 years, that's I think she said it was like 10 years ago, something wasn't it?

And like 10 years of that, like, yeah, I can imagine getting to her point, you know, and just being so vulnerable to having some sort of explanation as to what happened and sort of taking that burden away from me and my guilt to being like quite ready to accept the most batshit lunatic, you know, theory, if it means that like, it takes some of that weight off me and having and like having some sort of answer, you know? Yeah. And someone saying it wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault.

Yeah. Because as well, we've also got the husband who puts all the blame on her, you know, and it's not, and as well, it's not like she, it's not as if she was even distracted by books like I was. Like, you know, she had him in the pram, like in the pram, the trolley. You know, he's, you know, he's technically strapped in and like, you know, she looked away for a second and, you know, so like she wasn't, she wasn't doing anything wrong.

She wasn't doing anything that anybody else wouldn't have done, you know? So yeah, like she, I understand why she feels guilty. She shouldn't feel guilty because it's a situation that like could have literally happened to anyone. She wasn't being neglectful. She wasn't, you know, doing anything out of turn.

But like not only the guilt that you would naturally feel from being the person responsible for that child and losing that child, but then on top of that, the other person that's supposed to be your support network, also blaming you, just I can't imagine the crushing guilt of that. Just I can't like, yeah, yeah, it'd be awful. And then, yeah, so having this person that says, hey, it's okay, and it's actually not your fault. And actually this whole thing was a set up. And we're here now.

And this is why, and it was actually your husband who like, you know, took him and passed him over. And all the rest of it like, you know what, I've got a little crazy if it meant accepting that. Yeah, of course, of course. Yeah, this film was like a, yeah, it was definitely an experience. It was a very intense viewing and it was just so, as you said, like the direction on it was amazing. And the performances were so good.

And they had, you know, to carry a film like this, you have to be so in it. And those two worked so well together. They had such a good chemistry. I thought, especially when shit hits the fan, you know, like, and it just escalates and escalates. Yeah, I thought it was a really, really good film. Yeah, great. So, no, no, no, sorry, that sounded more dismissive than I minute.

But I was also thinking like, okay, I want to transition to how, like, you know, because we have a bit of a theme in mind for this. And with this film, it only seemed right to talking about those relationships that you find yourself in and somewhere along the way in the relationship, you realize that you're like, oh, I am not being, I am not being myself for the sake of this person.

Or that, you know, you're just with somebody that's just so full of drama and shit as I've had that experience that you kind of get caught up in that before you realize, like, oh, shit, I don't have to do this. This is nonsense. This is not how normal people live their life. Yeah. What was your experience with that? It was a woman I dated. We lived together very briefly. She was a player who's always been a fucking lunatic.

But it was, yeah, it was one of those situations where I found myself making a lot of little concessions of like, hey, and maybe it's because I'm a bit of a people pleaser at heart and that gets me into some fucking trouble. But I'm like, yeah, yeah, like, well, listen to whatever music you want to listen to all the time, and I'll listen to the music I actually like, you know, in the car. Yeah, right. A way. Right.

And, but it was a lot of that of like I found myself compartmentalizing and and shutting the doors on like significant parts of myself. As we were as we were dating until I realized like, Oh, I am, I am being this person that she just kind of wants me to be as opposed to the person I really am. And that is making me miserable and and also a little angry once I realized that it was happening.

It was like, well, you know, if she doesn't, if she doesn't like me for the kind of shit I get up to, then what do, what the fuck are we doing here? What are we doing? Yeah, yeah. I think it's like quite, especially like, I'm a people pleaser as well. Like, that's, that's a part of me where I'm like, I don't give a shit. But then there's, but for particular people, I very much give a shit. You know, and I think it's quite easy to sort of find yourself in that kind of, that kind of trap.

And as you say, it's very like subtle things at first. It's very like little things and you don't really think about it. And then all of a sudden, like, what the fuck is this person? This is not who I am at all. And it's, you know, and you end up sort of as you say, giving up parts of yourself and changing these things. And it's like, but why? Yeah. Like, there's nothing wrong with this stuff that I like. There's nothing, I'm not hurt in anyone. This isn't, you know, or anything like that.

I've definitely fallen into that trap. Like, like a quite a great deal, actually. Like, I'm kind of coming out of that. Like, I had been in two long term relationships pretty much back to back. So I kind of, I basically say like, I've been in relationships from the age of 20 through to the age of 34. So that's 14 years of my adult life. I'm only 36 to get some contacts. You know, so I, so I, I think I've mentioned it on the show. I've definitely mentioned it on my other show. I've got ADHD.

And people with ADHD tend to imitate because we mask. So we try to hide the things about us that people maybe find weird or they criticize us for and we essentially imitate what other people do to fit in. And it's kind of on a subconscious level in a way because it's like, it's almost like a self-defense thing. You know, like we camouflage ourselves. And I didn't realize, I am a very, very late sort of diagnosis. So I had no idea that I had ADHD. I never thought about it.

I only knew very kind of basic stuff about ADHD. And I didn't realize it was like very, actually very complex and changes from person to person. So I didn't associate any of the things that I was doing with anything like that. I just figured that's what people did. And we all kind of like try to fit in and whatever. And I realized that I had completely morphed myself into the sort of persona of, as you said, I thought my partner wanted me to be as opposed to actually who I am.

But because I had been doing it for so long, I actually didn't really know who I was. I didn't actually kind of, I just knew that it wasn't this. And I, one of the things that sort of made me realize was I was work, I changed jobs, I moved location, I changed jobs, and I ended up working at the cinema and working with a bunch of people who were, we were all pretty much all of us were neurodivergent in some way. We were all pretty much queer in some way.

And but they were also about 10 or more years younger than me. So they have the, you know, the, the, the, the actual perks of having the internet, which is have access to lots of knowledge. They're very self aware, they're very sort of like clued up on what's acceptable, what's not acceptable. And I remember there was like, so we worked at the cinema and we would often watch movies after the film, after the cinema shot.

And we were doing all the Spider-Man movies and it build up to, I think it was homecoming, coming out. And I wanted to stay back afterwards and watch it with them. And I messaged my ex and I was like, oh, hey, would it be okay if I stayed back? And then he was just like, no, I want you to come home. And I said to the guys, I was just like, oh, no, I'm not coming tonight. And they're like, oh, why not? And I was just like, oh, you know, he wants me home. And they were like, what?

And I was like, what? And they were like, why did he want me home? And I was just like, oh, I don't know. And they were like, dude, that's fucked. Like why are you asking permission? And I was like, why am I asking for, and it was like a real kind of like light bulb moment where I realized that this behavior, I had just been, I had just adopted where I was asking permission to do perfectly reasonable things with my time.

And bearing in mind, it was like after midnight, he would have just been like, I'm going to just been in bed. You know, he is not like he had had like an evening set up for us or anything like that. It had just been in bed. You know, it wouldn't have made any difference to him. And I was, I realized that I did stuff like that. I was constantly asking him permission for things. I would constantly feel bad for doing anything for myself. I was dressing in particular ways.

And I also realized that I hadn't been apart from people who I was kind of thrust into a situation with like at work. I actually hadn't been making any genuine connections with anybody after moving because what I realized was that the persona that I was presenting was extremely different to the person who I actually am, who I actually was.

And so whenever I sort of attracted a certain type of person, like just a friend, you know, just like whatever, I was, I wasn't connecting with them because I had nothing in common with them because the person who I was presenting was a completely different person to who I actually am. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Right. And then I, you know, I start working at this, this cinema with all of these like old kids who were into rock and horror and like comics and, you know, and I was like, this is my drive. Like I mean, granted that 10 years younger than me, but like I've always, I've always quite young and the thing is as well, they were all pretty much traumatized. So they were, they were traumatized.

So it's all like, you know, but we were like my, they were like my little drive and we all got on so well and I, and they really brought myself out. And I was like, no, this is who I am. What the fuck am I putting up with this? Why am I doing this?

Why am I caring so much about, like, this stuff at home, like, and I mean, like dumb stuff, like, you know, getting the right shade of olive green for our kitchen, you know, and like, why do I care about like making sure that, you know, everything is perfect and we have the right things and saving up for stuff that I don't, I never, ever wanted, you know, and like, and all of these kinds of things. I was like, what the fuck am I doing?

And like, since I left, I've been, I mean, I was in therapy as well. So that also helped sort of because it was like, you know, time where I got to be completely honest with somebody else and also with myself. And I've like over the last few years, I've been like really working on myself and like, you saw pictures of me like, I don't know, five years ago compared to me now. Like, it's just such, such a huge change.

And also as well, like, not just in terms of what I look like or how I dress, but just in terms of like the kind of people I hang out with, the things that I engage with, like hobbies and whatever. And also as well, like, so all the people who have known me for like, you know, a long time, like, not just the people who I've met in recent years, the people who I've known since like my 20s or whatever. Like, they like, this is the cake. Like, you are happy. You see yourself.

Like, I remember my best friend from when I was like 11. We went away with our kids. And like for the week on like a little kind of caravan beach holiday. And she spoke to me a few weeks later and she was just like, I really just need to talk to you. She was like, I don't know who that was who went on holiday with us. She was like, you were so stressed. You were so on edge, you were like, you just radiated hostility. And that was also a bit of a wake up call.

And then we went away the following year after I'd left my ex. And she said to me near the end of the trip, she was like, you're back. You know, and it was just like, fuck, you know, like, and I've just, I've just now I'm just like, I will never do anything for any, I mean, not my kid. That's some kind of, but like, I will never do anything for anyone else again in that way. Like I'll never not do something for myself.

Like I didn't get tattoos from like these entire issues because my partner didn't like tattoos. Like, but I want them. Like I wasn't allowed to dye my hair, certain colors, you know, because he didn't like it. You know, shit like that. And I'm just like, I am never going to not do something for someone again. Yeah. And I mean, that's not to say that there's not room for compromise and all of that.

But, you know, like that's the nature of relationships, you know, is like, hey, I got to give a little to get a little and vice versa. Yeah. But yeah, but when you're giving up those, like the kind of shit that just doesn't make sense, you know, like it, like you were saying earlier, like, you know, well, you need to be home. Why? Well, because I said so. Well, that's a fucked up reason for me to come home.

You know, yeah, it's like with a good reason, sure, with just because, hey, I'm feeling vindictive. And I, you know, I was home with a kid tonight and maybe I didn't have the best nine. So I don't want you to have fun. Yeah, exactly. You know, that's, that's a real fucked up thing to do to your partner.

Yeah. And like, you know, for example, as well, like we were, like he had, like these hobbies and things, he'd go to the gym, he'd go on, go away overnight to do these, like, convention things and whatever. And I had just started my other show. And also I would, like, you know, have one evening or two evenings a month where I got to just be me, not mom, not partner, not colleague, not nothing, just me chatting about film, right? And once, twice a month tops, maybe four, five hours tops, right?

We know a chat in either side as well. And I remember like just so many times I would get interrupted because I needed to go and help with the baby. Even though his kid too, and it's like you can't handle her for one, I asked for one evening, you know, and it's like I will hold down the four when you have work dues, when you want to go to the gym, when you, you know, you're working late or when you're whatever.

But I asked for like one evening and you can't handle it for one evening, you fucking kidding me, you know? And it's not just my time as well. It was like, Matt's time, if we had a guest on it, was that person's time, we'd have to reschedule, you know, it's just, ah. And it was just like, again, it was like one of those things was like, yes, of course, compromise and do things and, you know, like meet in the middle and, you know, and that is all absolutely fine.

But like when it's such an uneven scale like that, it's like, bro. But yeah, like, but I was completely like, this is just my life. And I didn't think that I would, I just thought that that was my life. And then I was just like, and it was just like literally like this sort of like snap moment was just like, no, not doing this. Yeah. Take your own back. I'm not doing it. I'm moving out of the like, I'm just not. And I've just been, it's been hard.

There's been ups, there's been downs, you know, mostly logistical stuff of like suddenly being like living on your own for the first time in nearly 20 years and like, you know, being a single parent and whatnot. But like, although in fans, what I will say is that he is a fantastic father and like, I'm like, we, we co-parent very well. We got on better now than we have done in fucking years. But like, you know, you don't have the pressure of like being someone you're not with them do.

You know, like you can beat unequal terms. Yeah, there's that. And also, I don't, he doesn't give a shit what I do anymore. I mean, he doesn't even know as long as the kids are okay. Like, yeah, and, but like, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's up to its downs. But I would not trade where I am right now for like that life I had before because I was literally looking, acting and being someone completely different, someone who just, I never was.

And like, I think if you get to a point where you're not, it sounds right, but if you're not being authentic self, you know, like if you are doing everything for one of the person and getting nowhere near anything like that and return. And I'm not saying that he would have to change everything for my sake or anything either. But do you know what I mean? Like, yeah, yeah. I, what are you doing? You know, it's not, it's not a life that anyone should be leading.

No one should be being anything but who they are. I mean, unless, you know, they're murder or something, I mean, try and be better with that. But, but like, you know, for the average person, just like if someone doesn't like you for the way that you are, if someone's got an issue because you've got tattoos or because you are, you know, an extra like a louder person or you have different hobbies to them or, you know, whatever, then that's just not the person for you.

Don't compromise on the things that are important to you, you know? Like, compromise on the small thing, sure. But like if someone has essentially has an issue with like the vibe of who you are or like essentially the core of who you are, never change that because you will just be miserable. Right. Or end up sending yourself on fire in a motel. Or that, yeah. You know, that's, that can also be possible. You know, I mean metaphorically, I was saying myself on fire. So yeah.

And then I let that flame motherfucker on a walk away, pow, something like that, you know? Did well. That would sound, that suddenly went action packed. Yeah. Yeah. I watched the trailer for bad boys for earlier. Oh, okay. Well, that's cool. It was on the cinema. Hey, do we have some, some tenders, the flesh? Oh, do we? Yes, we do. Okay. So yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, moral of the story.

That just felt like a good place to shift because you know, they, you're throwing pearls before the swine that listened to this show. But yeah, I mean, right. Like if you find your, if you are in a relationship where you are finding yourself having to invent a person to please the person you're with, then get the fuck out of that relationship. Yeah, definitely.

I know it's about that I think is well, this has happened to my previous relationship was that you don't compromise on it, but you end up just leading completely different lives. You just end up being flatmates or whatever. Mm-hmm. You know, and that's equally rubbish because what's the point in that, you know, like you should share and enjoy the things together. I'm not saying, you know, mold into one person, definitely have your own shit going on.

But like there should be enough stuff, enough stuff in common that you can share together for it to be, for it to be worth it and bring out the best. I think that was the thing. Me and my ex, we just bought out the worst in each other and bring out the best in each other. Like that's the good relationship stuff. Right. I mean, yes, perfect world.

That is, you know, what, what every good relationship is is sort of, you know, the marriage of true minds and right, like the being able to just be cool with each other and be supportive, like you said. So, but, you know, look, the end of this show is not about being supportive and learning lessons. It's about making fun of people that post their profiles on Tinder. Yes, this is why we're here.

Yeah. I mean, like, there's a reason we end the show with it, which it has become a bit of a, you know, Tinder is the flesh is the segment. It's become a bit of a thing where we kind of, we're ranking them really. And just saying, like, here are the ones that suck the most and here are the ones that suck the least. Like, maybe there's an actual human being on the other side of this. I know. We're really horrible, aren't we? We look, some of these are rough. Some of these ask for it.

I'm sorry. Yes. Yeah. I don't, like, I don't put on stuff where I'm like, oh, you're just trying though. Like, you're trying. You know, like, you might be a bit weird, but you got a good heart. I tried to sort of stick to the stuff where it is just flat out nonsense or just flat out gross. Like, that's why I try. Because, yeah, and also as well, I feel like if they're putting it out there, they're putting it out there. So, yes, it is a public profile. Right. Like, we're not, we're not going.

I'm not helping in someone's email. Yeah. We're not soliciting these from the listeners or anything. These are like actual human beings that, you know, could conceivably just be walking around with the rest of us. Yeah. If anything, we're providing a service. I look, I've often said that this show is nothing if not a public service. Right. You're welcome. Yeah. Oh, God. Okay. So, this guy is called As. I'm assuming that's short for something. AZ as? No, AS, like, as. Oh, okay.

Like, as, as the world turns. There's the dribits snow or something. Yeah. Right. As. Uh-huh. He goes. Oh, wow. A lot of naked women. I hope it's not done as a result of absence of confidence and unhappiness. I hope it's not done out of desperation to be validated. I hope you can offer more than makeup and a naked body. I hope you're confident enough to meet someone without filters. I hope you can be yourself and have a personality and can offer something better to match the enhanced looks.

I study psychology. We can talk. I can help your soul to find comfort. All right. I'm, apologies. I'm going to need that one more time. No, that's okay. Right. So, let's say it slower. No, no, no, you can say it just as fast. I'm just, I want to make sure I've got the details right before I pass judgment. I feel like this one's like a journey, you know. It really is. There's some real rollercoaster going on here. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow. A lot of naked women.

I hope it's not done as a result of absence of confidence and unhappiness. I hope it's not done out of desperation to be validated. I hope you can offer more than makeup and naked body. I hope that you're confident enough to meet someone without filters. I hope you can be yourself, have a personality and can offer something better to match the enhanced looks. I study psychology. We can talk. I can help your soul to find comfort. Oh, yeah. Okay. So, definitely a journey. Mm-hmm.

One that no one needed or asked to take. Yeah, no one asked for this. Okay. So, right off the bat, deeply misogynistic. Yeah. Um, I wonder if this is a thing where like the kinds of women who are posting, you know, like racier pictures are just not responding to him. And this profile is a response to having been on the app for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Ben sort of pushed aside and he's like, oh, well, I hope like, like this feels like a real passive aggressive kind of.

It's so patchanizing, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. And it's just, it's got such an ego about it. Like, no, you must, you know, you must have daddy issues. It's like, oh, I'm just actually confident in my body and, you know, sexually positive. I'm not really looking for anything much more. So I don't feel the need to put loads of personal stuff about myself because I'm going to know you for about two hours tops. And that's fine because that is my choice as a person, as a consenting adult, to do that.

It is my right to look good in one of our. Right. And also it's tender. Like, I'm sorry, but like that rate. What's four? That right. I think I'm on only fans and going, whoa, whoa, whoa, there is way too much sex here. You know, like. Come on. Yeah, what are you here for, buddy? The one thing that you people like associate with tender is hookups. Yeah. It's a hookup culture.

Yeah. Yeah. Like occasionally something might come from it that's more like the guy I'm seeing right now, met him on Tinder. I was quite happy for it to be like, you know, just a very casual thing. We get on well and it's kind of dove into like, oh, a relationship or anything like that. We each other consistently and that's cool. And it's, you know, it's chilled and whatever. But like, it was more than just a hookup.

But like, I've never really gone on a Tinder date with expecting it to be more than that. Like if it happens to end up being more than that fine, cool, right? But that's definitely not my expectation going in because it's fucking Tinder. Right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, this guy seems kind of hateful. And I'm not saying that, well, I'm not going to say it's justified.

It sounds like there's an experience beneath this, which I'm not sure what the experience was, but regardless, he sounds like a real asshole. Like I don't know why any woman would go out with this guy. He sounds like he's got a real hang up. Like this is borderline in cell kind of shit. Yeah. And also as well, like not he's not a psychologist either. So all of this stuff is not even from like a qualified mind. Because I study psychology. So like, what does that mean, buddy?

Do you watch the psychology channel? Do you pop to the library? Are you on a course? Like that could mean a myriad of things. Yeah, watch mind hunters. So I feel like I got a pretty good handle on the human condition. Yeah, exactly. Like FBI profiling sign me up, buddy. I'm qualified. And like, you know, it's and I can help your soul to find comfort. Ah, fuck yourself, mate. Yeah. This just sounds like a real piece of work. Yeah. Like my, I don't know what's to come.

I know there are two more, but this feels real bottom of the barrel to me. Yeah, we got a kind of mixed bag here. OK. Should we go in the next one? Yes, please. OK, the other two by the way, no one there as long you'll be able to hear. OK, good. Because I get confused easily. So the second one is a guy called Garus. OK. And he says, I like women the way I like my coffee with a convoluted backstory. Looking for a woman who likes men the way she likes chocolate in her mouth.

The first one doesn't make any sense. It makes no sense. Like, how does coffee ever have a convoluted backstory? That's just nonsense. The other one at least makes sense. It's crude, but it's it adds up. Yeah. Yeah, this like, is there anything to recommend it? Like, this isn't the worst, but it's it's certainly good syntax. Yeah. Grandma, he uses semi-colons correctly, which is a bad play a talent. Yeah. And he has a he has a strong beard.

OK, good beard understands how to use related independent clauses and their punctuation. I figured you'd appreciate that. I do. I truly do. I can I can hear you do. Yeah, it's like my grade level has to teach semi-colons. So I'm intimate with semi-colons. Oh, right. Just like a basement couch. I'm intimate with them. You love a colon, huh? Oh, you know, it's the semi-colon that gets me. Like the colon, the colon's too obvious. It's pretty common, right? Yeah. They're here there and everywhere.

Yeah, right. They're like subtitles. They're all over the place. A semi-colon though. Yeah, that's the way it is. I'm not a professional like I like it. Yeah. All right. So this guy, yeah, like I like I said, not knee jerk. This guy's a nightmare, but I you know, yeah, it's just it's kind of a bit it starts off a bit try hard. Uh-huh. And then it ends with OK. You know, like it was like where she likes chocolate in her mouth. It's just kind of like right.

So remember when I sent you that screenshot of the guy who opened up. Oh, was it? I got let me find it. So I matched with this guy on Tinder. So this was a bit ago. Oh, here we go. Wait, was it? He goes, he goes, hey, hey, so I have a question. Right. This is literally his opener. Hey, I have a question. I go morning, haha, OK, what's your question? And then he goes, might be a bit bold, but do I look like a man who is a small or a big package? I, yes. You remember this? I do remember this.

I very, very wittily retorted with depends on how much you ordered. Right, but I'm, because I was trying to give him an out. I was trying to get him to just reassess the situation. Right, right, right. Maybe go, oh, you know what? Maybe, yeah, maybe she is right. Maybe that is a bit too forward for the first fucking text. And then he just doubled down on it and he goes, well, what if I talk, we'll talk about my package down there. And I was like, right, blocks, see what I mean?

Because even though it's Tinder and even though we have just, it's hook up culture, there is a finesse to it, though. You don't just go in with put my dick in your mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you can, but it's going to, it's going to attract a certain clientele. Yeah, even the act itself, you don't go straight in. I mean, I, you know, you build up, you kiss a little bit, you kind of get a bit, like, bit, handsy and like, you know, maybe some like, like kisses down the body to get there.

You don't just go right pants down and there's just, you just don't, you just, there's all ways of doing, there's a way of doing these things. And so I feel like if you're literally just going straight in with that on your, not even in a conversation on your fucking bio, I'm like, it's a bold opening. It is a bold opening. And for someone, okay, I don't want to be a cunt, but like, I'm going to be, he's a nice beard, but it's very unkempt.

And he is not, he does, he does not have the necessities to pull off being that bold, so we say, right, right, right. Like coming in with big, dick energy on the profile, maybe not so much elsewhere. Yeah, yeah. And even the guy who messaged me, he had, he had some good, some, some good things that, you know, would be in his favor, for sure. Sure. But even that was like, that's, I don't care what you look like. But you can't just go straight, bold in like that.

And also as well, what the fuck am I supposed to say to that question? Like, all right, you look like you have a tiny dick. What do you think? Right, yeah, I mean, it's, it's not a great invitation to conversation. It's just like, hey, let's just start this off on a sexual foot. It's leading to a dick pic is what it is. A hundred percent. And I'm like, no, yeah. I don't, no, I don't want it.

Yeah, it really, it really took a while for me to get around to the idea of that being an okay thing to do. It isn't. Well, on request, like I've only done it is on request. Yeah, if someone is going like, hey, send me a picture, you know, or if you're at that point in like, you know, we're sending needs or whatever is kind of like a bit of a, it's fine, you know, it's okay.

You know, you know that they're going to appreciate it because, you know, you reciprocated, you've done it a few times, you know, you know, you know, you know, in that point, first, first, first bit of conversation, no. Yeah. Before you've even met, knew. Yeah, definitely not. You know, no, you don't know, you don't even know my last name, honey. Yeah. I do not need to see you downstairs yet. Yeah, yeah, totally on board with it. All right. So we have a third, right? We do.

Okay, okay, because we went on a tangent for a secret third just now, but this is the real third. This is the real third. Yeah, sorry. The other one, it just reminded me of the other one. Okay, so Evan, we have Evan. Okay, all right. The quickest way, this is so fucking weird. Okay, the quickest way to my heart is through my parents, have sex with them and you're in. Well, oh, okay. I don't, I don't understand and I'm not sure I want to. Yeah, all right. So I'll do it again.

The quickest way to my heart is through my parents, have sex with them and you're in. Do they test right? Do they, do they have, do you need their approval? I don't make it make sense, but what do you see? What's going on with this? So I'm trying to figure it out. I mean, it feels like it's, it feels like an incest stroke with absolutely no, no, no, no context.

Yeah, you know, like, right, it's like, like the punchline is there, but the setup, like, the way to a man's heart is through his family. Yeah, like get on well with my parents, but like, have sex. It just, I see the kind, I think I see where he's going for. Yeah, but it's such a, it's such a miss. Like, you belly flopped that mate. Yeah. Um, yeah, that's, that's real bad. That's real bad. I, I, I, I have a dark sense of humor. I do. Right. But it has to be funny.

It's just kind of off kilter, just a bit like, huh? And, and also, like the incest joke is that is a look both ways before you tell it kind of joke. But yes, absolutely. Know your audience. Right. You like, don't put it on blast for everyone to see. Right. Right. Right. Like, that is, it's, that, I mean, it's just fucking crazy. You don't start within it. Like, you have to, like the, the level of knowing your audience there. Yeah. Um, is, like, is crazy.

You've like, you've got to, you know, you can't start with, like, you, you have to have known someone for a length of time to even make the attempt for an incest joke. You don't just open, like that's not, that's nobody, no, stand up comics opener ever is about fucking a family unless they're telling a variation of the aristocrats. But that's the only exception to that rule. Yeah. Yeah. You can speak incest jokes about other people.

I feel like, you know, if it's a shared joke, if there's context, you know, but like, you know, can make jokes only in Frankie Boyle, for example, you know, making jokes about the world family, there's context. Yeah. There's, you know, we know what we're expecting. And he knows what to expect from his audience. If you don't see a Frankie Boyle show, you know, you have a certain type of sense of humor. And that is fine. You don't put that on your dating profile.

You wouldn't, I can't imagine going on a date with someone on for the first date and like saying that, you know what I mean? Like it's a wipe it in my bio. So, but this is going to come in as a little bit controversial, perhaps. Oh, okay. I, but you know, I like a hot take. I think as bad as number three is and it's monumentally galactically bad. I think number one is still the guy that like, he seems like he's got a real ax to grind. Yeah. And number three, like number two is fine.

Number two is not great, but it's, it's, hmm, of all the three, that would be my pick. If you were going to hook up with anybody, it would be him. Yeah. I mean, because he also, he likes coffee. So we have that in common. Yeah. And I mean, again, it's not, it's not a great joke. It's way better than an incess joke. Yeah. So, he's a lot of underlined anger.

That doesn't reference the most horrifying crime that you can commit against a child, yes, but number three is at, at best, just misguided in his attempt to be funny. Yeah. I think he's just very confused. Yeah. But it's a bad crop. That's, you don't, you don't want anything to do with any of those. Do you know what's hilarious is that like, all right, some of these, okay. So one of them was when I went up to Scotland. So I went up to Scotland last month.

So I love it when I go to somewhere new because I'm like, ooh, new profiles. Like, like, go through and try and find some. But most of the one that I've read out over this whole time we've been doing this segment over the episodes, they're all in my area. I think there's something in the water. Is that what you say? I don't know. We do live in the countryside. So you know, it's, I don't, I just, I'm like, this, you know what, this is one single. This is the shit.

This is the, the level of choice that I have. I have much, a lot of these in gold. Yeah. It's, yeah, it's, it's a bad group. Yeah. I'm encouraged my kid to be, to do the same, just eight and nine. Move far away and then date because round here, it's just not like. Yeah. It's, it's so funny that like, it just blows my mind that there are guys out there. They're like, this is going to do it. This is the bait that's going to land the big fish. Right?

Yeah. And it's, it's what saying things like that, which is why I'm sickle. You got to get them fish. Kate, that's what I say. That's my dating advice. Yeah. Is that what's on your profile? Do you have a date? Do you have an online dating app? By the way, I do not. You don't know. I've done, I've done it before, but I'm not a present. It's a trojus though. It's nice. Fucking awful. It's really terrible.

But I think the next time that I feel like I need to date, because the last couple of times that I've gone down that road, it has not felt as if I am emotionally in a place to date right now. So, but I, I think next time I'm going to do like in-person shit. Like I think I'm going to be one of those people that's like, it go do like a meetup or something like that as opposed to the dating app.

I mean, I'll probably fall back on that at some point, but I've just had such, I think it's also just dating in your 50s. It only gets worse, you know, like the crop that's out there, all the goods are either dead or married. Yeah, it's true. Or just so like bitter that they've just like had all of their joy strips. Yeah. Like somebody's fucked them over real good.

Yeah. And they're just like, no. That's like, yeah, I, you know, just so, just so funny, it's just like now when I think about, because I've been thinking about what do I, because I was going down this one route in my life, and I've taken such a fucking like left turn on it. So like I'm now thinking, okay, what do I want for my life? And I kind of like, I have like an idea, but do you know what one thing I do not envision when I, for my, you know, sunset years is having a partner.

I just don't envision myself being with anybody out like someone. I just envision myself living by myself happy with my books and my coffee and like, you know, movies and just, you know, doing me and, you know, maybe occasionally corrupting some 60 year olds, some young, young 60 year olds and with a snapper. And that's kind of it. Like I don't, I don't see myself, you know, on the porch with like a partner. I just, I envision myself sitting on the porch with like my book. Yeah. Right.

Like that just, so I'm just like, I just don't think it's for me. I'd like, I'm quite happy to like see people and like form like, you know, relationships in like, in terms of a person to a person. But I think like anything more than that, I'm just kind of like, nah, you're just going to get wet. You're getting away, really. I, I'm telling you the number of times that I think about, I've told you this before, the, the, my current dream right now is just like, like a motorhome and the doll.

Right. Yes. Romain the country. Yes. Like a living adventure is like the incredible hold. Amazing. That's right. You go, hopefully. You know, and I mentioned that to a friend of mine. I was all the like, I know I've really hit the, like I'm nearing retirement age because my fan, like I do a lot of online window shopping of like, oh, that's a nice one. Oh, look, that's a big shower in this one. That kind of shit. And he was like, let's fucking do it. Let's go. He was like, just let me know.

I'm going to come with you. Take me with you. Right. Well, yeah, he's like, you know, the kids are a few years away from going to college. So yeah, just let me know when you want to go. I'll take the other seat. We'll go wherever you want. I'm like, great. Yeah. I, if that's the thing, if I envision me spending the rest of my life with anyone, it'll be like my best mate. Yeah. You know, just pal. Just, yeah, just like just growing old and seeing all together. Like it doesn't have to be romantic.

You know, like, let's normalize finding soulmates in our friends. Like, I, like, I've said to one of my best friends who I went to cinema with today and hung out and stuff. So she's got a long-term partner and their cuteness shit. And like, I get on with him really well. Like, you know, we all kind of like adopted each other a little bit. And I've sort of said, like, oh, when you guys like eventually settle, I'll just buy the house next door.

And like, you know, we can have keys to each other's house or maybe just like an adjacent door that links the property kind of thing. And they're like, yes, let's do that. You know, yeah. And just having like, you know, having, having company in, in friends and stuff. It doesn't like, yeah, there is every chance in the world that at some point, like Chad who I did, picks up movies with that like we're going to be roommates like in the odd couple, you know, except with like me, him and his wife.

Yeah. And the like a platonic thruple for the ages. Yeah, exactly. Like, yeah, like I don't want to, you know, get all up in their grills or anything. But just like, can we just like, we're all together though? Right. How about like, we just as a collective, we just go hang out on the dark and drink some wine and... 100% yeah. I've been moving like, can I come? Yeah, sure. We would obviously get your ass over. I have to ask.

Yeah. You know, like, oh, hey guys, like, should we get takeouts and like, like, shouting through the wall? Hey guys, should we get takeouts and like, yeah, yeah, like, and, you know, that just that, yeah. And then, you know, they have their own space and I have my own space and stuff. But it's just like, yeah, like I don't think I'll ever live with anyone in that, in like a romantic way again. I just, I'm too selfish. Yeah. And I have a lot of, I'm not willing to move my stuff.

Yeah, I think my issue at the end of the day is that I'm very, I was going to say, like, set my ways. That's not exactly right, because I'm fairly adaptable. I think it's just that, like, I just like peace and quiet. I just like, I like at the end of the day, where it's like, you know, there is just, there is no sound. I can just sit and read. And it's lovely. It's so good. Yeah. You have to decorate how you want. Yeah. Yeah. You know, if you like this, I'm not going to be a fuck. I like this.

I'm buying it. Yeah. There's a real, real weird painting on the wall that I adore and it's kind of creepy and not like intentionally creepy. I think it just is kind of creepy, but I love it. Yeah. And it does not belong in, you know, anyone's home. But yeah, to your point, just like, you know, you know, build the life that you want. And then if someone comes along, that's worthy of sharing it, then, you know, invite them in. But otherwise, fuck them. Just do the thing that makes you happy.

Yeah. Don't, don't give up. This is it. This is the episode. Don't give up. This shit that is important to you and that you like and bring joy in life because someone else kind of doesn't get it. It's just, it's just not worth it. 100%. All right. Well, there is no better place to end it. We have done all of the things. So Kate, should people want to see you continue to drink on a podcast? And drink on a podcast and chat naughty nonsense. Yeah. To talk about flooding panties.

Oh, I'm already regretting pulling that stuff. Oh, it's a good one. Awesome. I should do need to go shower. Yes. So I have two other podcasts. One is a horror and sort of dark movie podcast with my lovely co-host Matt. And that is eternal darkness of not so spotless minds. And find it on all usual places and find some social media. And that's just a nonsense sort of chat, chat rubbish thing where we also talk about films.

And then I have my book show, which is an indie book show where I review indie books and interview their authors. And that is called Kate Onjou. Oh, no, that's not right. Kate Onjou's book reviews. And Onjou is about a and J.O.U. And again, you can find that on all the socials and all the usual places of listening. And yeah, that's it. I think. Awesome. I'm very excited. I'm about to get to work on my book. I'm about three weeks away from starting the writing of that. Oh, bro.

When you're ready, hit me up. I will. Oh, I'll definitely need your assistance. And navigating some of the. I've got Brian Sammons coming on over the summer. Oh, nice. I did some work for him recently. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, nice. So yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, if you're listening to this, of course, stay tuned to the Dark Parade. There is a new ranking of horrors coming, which is, of course, the project to rank every horror movie that has ever been made using using science.

Kate, you know, professional. Yeah, so we've got the first 20 have been ranked right now. The best horror movie of all time is the haunting from 1963. Nice. The worst horror movie that's ever made is something called Unknown Visitor. All about it. Uh, it's a horror movie shot entirely on, uh, ring cameras. Okay. And you, you might be shocked to learn, uh, that does not work out. Yeah. There's a narrative tool. I, I would never have thought that. Um, but I, yeah, as you said, I'm very surprised.

Yeah, I thought that sounded like a fool proof. So, um, yeah, so we've, we've only done 20 movies so far, but there's a new episode of COVID pretty soon. I'm collecting the next 10, uh, hopefully by end of year, you know, we'll have at least the first 100 or so done. Um, but, you know, right now it's barely a list. Uh, but, but, you know, uh, it's every grain of sand. Sounds like a very chilled project, you know, real low key. It's, well, I wanted to do something modest.

Uh, but, uh, it's anyway. So there's that there's an episode with Richard Glinch met on X cross, uh, which I highly recommend. We had a lot of fun talking about that movie and it's a, a lot of, a lot of fun just to, to watch, uh, if you haven't seen X cross, watch X cross, uh, that's coming up. Uh, we've got more guests, more movies. There's a bunch of stuff in the works along with the usual shenanigans. And of course, uh, in another month's time, we'll have another episode of Heart of War.

Uh, Kate, anything else for the, for the fine people at home? No, just, um, we'll make your underwear before having sex. Excellent. Alright, bye everybody. PLAYING