Okay, anyway, Hello, I'm Laura Kane. Could you believe it, Laura, I'm not Lewis Lane. Oh my god, I can't believe Loews Lane and Laura Kane they rhyme. Oh my god.
So anyway, I'm Superman.
Oh okay, oh you know what, You're right. I can totally tell.
Good costume, my Superman emblem on GUPT.
So okay, this is his Lowis Lane is this is God dressed up us. I'm going to get you look.
Like some school teacher that's going to rip off her top and a full of like teenage boy.
You know what. He's right? You did look like the seductive high school teacher.
Okay. I looked at pictures of the new Lowis Lane. She wears like this. This not the skirt necessarily, but like, I.
Get it, I get what you're going for. I'm just saying it does look.
Like this is like what you'd be in a white snak video. Yeah, like you like you'd rip the glasses off and then pull the wig off and you'd.
Be, oh my god, it's a porn out right totally. Oh my god, your grades are so low. You need to do extra.
You got an f you know what F stands for in my class.
Give me some words that start with F and maybe I'll pass you.
Or secretary, so it's like a secretary.
Oh yeah, do.
You need me to file anything under F? Perhaps under s for sex, under.
Oh for awful, Oh you're.
Awful, under D for.
Disappointing dick, under a. Okay, all right, all right, this is awful time funny, awful for awful, good good one.
Okay, we're gonna play fun game. Which one would you choose? Okay, okay, we're each gonna play and we're just gonna see what what happens.
Oh boy, okay, yeah, I choose that one.
Which one was shoes?
Oh, this is going to be a nightmare.
You must always dress like you're at a seventies disco party, awesome, or you must always wear medieval garbo.
I do the seventies disco party.
Yeah, I go seventies, but I don't have to do afros right full.
On seven disco party. Feather justether you could do feather long hair, can do.
Like a seventies pimp suit.
Oh yeah, oh yeah, there's so many and a big giant ass bottom.
Moderate I want to rock up corn Stash yes, you know, I.
Think I'd be a seventies kid though. So it's the jeans and the long ass white ugly socks and the white.
I'd wear those ball hugging go go shorts with like the tube socks. That's skates, that's.
Like the dolphins short.
Yeah, the seventies summer like you have you haven't seen your kid in six weeks?
For sure, that would be my outfit every day.
Bab Okay, Okay, we're all in agreement. We're all in agreement. Okay. Access to a time machine or access to a teleportion teleportation?
Oh that one teleporter teleporter, time machines.
You can't do time machine.
Wait, it was the difference what time machine goes back? Teleporter goes forward?
No time machine goes forward to doesn't a time machine transports to you through time? A teleporter transports you through space?
Okay, for sure? Time machine space is too scary. Wait, it's a little scary to me, Like to be out in an in an area where I've never been before.
It's a teleporter. You go, you go inside and it takes you anywhere you want to.
But in space, no anywhere, like.
If you want to go to Fiji yes.
Snap your finger. Boom, youre in Fiji. I'm sorry teleportation. Oh yeah, oh my god, you just earned your ARP membership.
I meant to tell you though. Speaking of space, wait til you see the shirt I dis ordered. This is all I have to say.
Okay, it has the word space in it.
Sure you guys wuld kill me? I don't want to know.
No, no, I know there's that. We're we're in rabbit hole territory, rabbit hole age.
Let's go.
Every article of clothing you own is covered in fluorescent polka dots, or every article of clothing you own is made out of spanex.
Oh span x Eric could pull it off. I think I'd have to go with polka dots.
Yeah, I think, and X is so spanix. You would show all of your wings.
Yeah, he doesn't care.
A room full of giant puppies or a room full of giant.
Kittens, puppies. The kittens would kill you way faster than the puppies would.
Yeah, puppies for sure, puppies, puppies. U. You can hear colors or you can taste colors. Uh, It's like Charlie and the Childol would.
Say, here because some colors carry taste red velvet cake has just red food color and chocolate.
You can and purple? Is that great?
I think hearing colors should be more. I could drive with my eyes closed. I would just hear what the light is.
Yeah, that would be really cooler.
I think, like, well, yeah, I could take a nap while I drove exactly. Oh yeah, that's okay.
Your best friend turns out to be a spy for a hostile foreign power, shoot them. Or your best friend turns out to be a bank robber in hiding.
That's way cooler. Second, bank robber, If you're a foreign spy, I shoot you.
If Laura was a bank crobber, she would have spent all the money already.
Yeah, I'd be like, we know she's not how do I get in on this?
She'd be like, I rended this tricycle and we.
Know she's keeping the secret. I want some of the money or else. The secret is out, my friend, This secret is out. Okay. One million dollars will be yours if you post a selfie every time you eat a meal for the rest of your life. Sure, Or one million dollars will be yours if you never check social media. Ugain on the first one, you post every single meal, every single mealing.
Sure, I would just never know social media ever again.
So that would be literally like one post today.
Okay, that's your tic tac and ice cube, that's right, m.
And my and my cotton ball that soaps an orange juice.
Okay. Hiccups whenever you try to speak in public, or giggles whenever you try to say something serious.
Oh, giggles whenever, no hiccups, giggles.
And if you're a funeral and you're like, I'm I'm sorry.
Yeah, you're doing the eulogy, it's like you're a freaking uncle or something, and then you start just giggling.
Was a good guy, Helium, So sorry, sorry, he's gone, such a great person.
Horrible, And I'd like the other one for sure.
All the hiccups are pretty hiccups would be like awful.
I would like to talk to you today about some variety.
In the throat.
But imagine, imagine you're trying to give an intervention and you're like, you're like, we are worried about you.
We're so worried about it. I'm laughing. And the hiccupping, Yeah, they're both terrible, terrible, friendly aliens after offered to show you the galaxy, but you can never come back to Earth, or aliens abduct you for a week on medical experience of medical experiments, but then you can go back to your regular life order the experiments.
If it's fire in the sky, am I gonna be anal anally probe so that I have no.
Inside every day times?
And they're gonna buy me dinner first, They're.
Not going to be through some like too.
Have you seen fire in the sky.
Yeah, they're going to.
Open Yeah that thing that opened that keeps your eye open, that raget thing.
Oh yeah, But I don't want to not come well and in the state of or you can.
Be super friendly aliens and like travel in.
Space forever you never see your family again.
No, I think I do this probe. Yeah, I guess I'd take.
The probe or I'd shoot myself.
Maybe it just depends on the state of the world when this happens. I might just decide.
But if the aliens are all like super you know hot, no, they are all fascists, like they all love their alien Hitler, Oh God, then all the aliens.
They would worship Air because he's so Because.
I think he's their hitler. Yes, you're the new hitler.
Oh God, then let's let's.
Go, and they're gonna dug two and they're gonna worship you for the Oh jesustis we're kidding. Okay, you're trapped in a room full of snakes. You're trapped in a room full of spiders. I take the snakes, I take the snakes.
Hands down areas to fight off.
Eat the same thing every day forever. Never repeat a meal for the rest of your life.
First one, SATs are pizzas.
You talk, My god, Oh I want Beerria talk so bad?
I love Berria, can't You're always like starving three quarters.
Away from am always so hungry? Okay. Always wear shoes one size too small. Are always wear clothes three sizes too big?
Oh clo three you you can style that.
You could, you could like, you could sure makes drive through the desert with no air conditioning and all the windows rolled up.
Okay, so that's that would just be dying.
Drive a convertible top down through a heavy rainstorm.
The second one, because the first one you would actually die.
Yeah, okay.
Adventures with the with wild horses, that sounds super fun, or adventures with wild dolphins.
But how do you venture Are you on the boat?
No, you're in the water with them.
Oh you would, then you're at risk of drowning. You're swimming.
No, because dolphins save you. They lift you to the top, they play with you.
They do. Even though I love dolphins, I.
Do love wild horses.
Okay, that's the second one. Is not practical. It might be dangerous.
Oh my goodness. Stuck overnight in an elevator with country music blurring through the speakers. Stuck overnight in an elevator with opera music blurring through the.
Speak I will do opera.
I think I'm gonna go with country. That's insane and my last so true. I'm gonna go with the country.
Is that a song? Or did you just make that up?
I just muted her.
Wow, you are a billionaire, but you have only ten years to live. No, you are penniless, but you enjoy good health until ninety nine years ago.
The first one, Yeah, I know the same, Thank God.
Well, it depends on what age for you. Ten years. I mean that may be more than you get now.
Well, you know what if if in the next five years I could do like a bunch of cool cool stuff.
Well, ten years you'll be eighty three four eight years, so that's a good age. But for me ten years from now, is you know, thirty five?
Would you rather have a flying robot that cleaned your house or a five star chef robot that cooks your meals?
Oh?
Meals?
I do meals?
Yeah, I need that's worth so much. A five star chef is worth so much more money than I made.
You occasionally wake up not knowing who you are.
That's like nevery do memento, I get tattooed on my arm. That's cool.
You frequently wake up not knowing who anyone else is.
Uh?
I heard that? What you just did? What you just did?
What I do?
The tiniest one?
No, I didn't it was it was just a chair, as I said it earlier. I said, I did not fart. It was a chair.
Anyways, I don't know. Probably you forget wait for you, like for the whole day or for an hour.
What I'm gonna pick. I'm going to pick one because if I woke up and didn't know who you were, I'd be sad.
But yes, if you could recognize my friends, like, at least tell me who I was.
Yeah, you never cut your fingernails again, you never wash your hair again. So do you get read it out?
Some people, wait, I can still cut it, just not wash it.
Yeah, you can dread.
I have heard a certain point where your hair does reach a state of equilibrium. I think I would never wash my hair again.
Yeah, because here's the thing. We could spray like dry shampoo. Could strip spray.
For the rest of his life. Yeah, my god, we're not going to.
Be like I know it would be gross.
They probably chip off anyway.
I can see I can still cut my hair and keep it nice, or I could go bald, just shave it and then it's.
Not No, I would I would definitely want to cut my fingernails because nothing is grosser than we agreed. You see them all, Yeah, agreed.
You can receive text message, but you cannot send them. Okay, you can send text message, but you can never receive personally.
I guess who cares?
Who cares?
You can only read the first page of every book, or you can only read the last page of every book.
So you can just never read.
Does you read the first person get hooked? Read the last and be like, oh my gosh, I'd.
Probably read the last page.
I would just neither because they both ruin books.
You live in a tiny apartment in the center of town, or you live in a little cabin in a secluded forest.
Oh, secluded forests.
Oh hell no, hell no, no, thank you, Bigfoot. All the scary things isn't real. Mothman isn't real.
To say there are real things to be afraid of, but you listed all the ones that are not real.
There's like some other weird monster that's like in the Midwest somewhere.
Oh my god, Rake afraid of a.
Skin walkers, stealers, skin walkers who like they transform into a different slender Man. This slender is the scariest, the worst freaking thing.
Yeah, he's probably out there, Laura.
When my son brought that up to me, he won a Slenderman shirt, it was like it was it a video game? First?
Well, no, it was a creepy pasta and then they made a video game out of it.
Oh my gosh, it was Oh maybe that was it. You always have to say what you were.
Thinking, okay, easy for her.
Or you are frequently compelled to lie for no reason.
The second one, really, yeah, yes, most are harmless. You can get away with the first one ruins friendships.
Just a couple more and then I'll read you some stuff and then we're done. You're stuck in wet jeans for the day, Oh no, Or you're stuck in a wet turtleneck for the day.
Oh god, jeans.
Yeah, really, I think i'd go turtle neck, wet turtleneck. Wet jeans. You can't sit, you can't wet turtleneck.
You're just as But here's the thing.
The wet jeans are probably cotton, so they'll dry out faster. The wet turtleneck is probably like thick, and it'll take forever to dry.
It will take forever to dry, dude, unless it was laid flat. Really, it takes our worst.
Okay, stink Yeah so yeah, okay. Now, the second most piece, the most defensive piece of movie memorabilia, has just sold for fourteen point seventy five million dollars. Do you know what it is?
Let me guess one point knew this is the car.
It is not.
I just read this about a week ago.
Fourteen point I read about five million. Second most expensive, give me a you might even give me the first one.
What decade is it from old?
They're both really old, really old. Yeah, forties and.
Is it something from Sis and Kane? Is the Rosebuds?
It was dude with the winds so good that Wow.
That's number one. Then there's no place.
Like I.
Was thinking, that's what I read. Yeah, I guess the Rosebuds slim.
Oh, I was going to break in as a special correspondent because.
And now straight from l a special correspondent, Laura Kane.
If we had time for her, sorry.
I mean Lois Lane.
Somebody who has spent thousands of thousands of dollars getting his tattoos removed, has a girlfriend.
Oh yes, and.
Oh he has a wait did he get her pregnant?
Got her pregnant? He got her pregnant dating Els Hewitt kind of clue.
I don't know who that is.
No, say, she's an actress, I guess. And uh are these the trickiest words to pronounce? And then we'll end on that chroissant chissan. That's easy, chroissan in French, it's chroissan. We put the tea, We put the tea at the end as americ key chrisson. Yes, it took me for ever to learn how to say that the way. Yes, I was like, is it all sign a ki yes, schedule, schedule, schedule. You know a lot of people say no.
One says that, well, people.
In the UK do. Porsche's not Porsha, it's Porsche.
Well it is Porscha in Germany.
Genre genre gyroscope, Worcestershire, Worcester. Sure it's Worcester.
Sure.
I always say Shire, really, Worster sure, Worcester sure. Entrepreneur, entrepreneur, Massachusetts, mass mass Chosetts and hierarchy.
Isn't that hard?
I know? Anyway, let me see if I had one more thing I did think I did have one? Oh okay, one okay, seriously, what needs to go at weddings? Bingo? First thing?
Boom?
What needs to go? No more?
No more? I made what dance the macarena? I can the chicken dam Yeah?
Yeah, I agree, that can go?
Yeah, goodbye by.
I haven't been to a wedding that actually did that.
I'm also about the electric slide.
I love the electric slide. I think the electric side slow much so much fun.
The mockery kids also have to be outlawed from weddings.
What about uh.
What about get really dry wedding?
Oh dry? Yeah? I mean if you're, well, if there's two sober people being married, it's their thing. But if they want people to do their own thing, they're going to have to provide alcohol.
I think weddings with open bars are literally like the most fun you'll ever have.
Okay, what about the garter toss?
Oh stupid?
What about when he takes it off?
I think it's really uncomfortable to watch someone get basically eaten out in front of the crowd.
I agree with you. It's like Ryan and I are the same, but we are on the same.
It's not hot, it's not funny, it's just awful.
It's a very fair What about the my they dance?
No stupid worse because like put.
And you're already giving people a gift.
Yes, it's true, and you're just what the guys are like your husbands right there. I'm just gonna yeah, what.
About I'd put a roll of pennies in my mouth and be like spread.
Hokey pokey, no poke, none of that crap. No, okay? What about uh gift opening the morning after.
Everybody?
Yes, they do you have to spend the night? No, you know what, No, no one does that.
When do they open it? When the when the weddings by themselves.
Nobody brings gifts to a wedding anymore. You have it shipped to their house.
I don't think you've been to a wedding a long time.
I haven't people ship the gifts to the house. Yeah, registries, Well yeah, but then you bring the gift to that way.
At most you do a card. You play a gift card on the table.
Okay, I put a post that saying good.
What about the daughter dance?
That's fine?
What about the what about having a last dance and a first dance?
Who course?
No?
Okay, look and enough and the speech has got to go.
To I know speeches all right, but I do think receptions have way too much ceremony. Ceremonies for the ceremony.
How many speeches should there be?
Two? Two?
Maybe maybe four? Because for parents too.
Yeah, I was going to.
Say parent parents, and then like parents together this man matron made of honor.
After that it's just dancing and drinks for the entire for like six hours.
Yeah, and all this stupid. Oh and then the time between the reception and when they get pictures taken, do that before. I don't want to wait.
Super annoying it's all because you can't well, it's all because the bride and the groom can't see each other before their wedding, which is kind of sweet. I guess I like that.
I like that tradition still. Now whatever, if you watch a ninety day they are not not actually at all.
I think wedding photos take way too long. I think we should we have way too make wedding photos.
Yeah, well now they want to. They want a drone wedding photographer, they want a social media person.
I just feel like when you get a wedding photographer, they take like a hundred pictures of like about the deposed ones. I'm like, dude, just take one with everybody want.
One looking out the window, like together, shining.
I think you should get like five fancy ones and then just like three formal ones and that's it.
I just had a great idea, what next promo shots? Oh my god, you w in a wedding dress and me in a tuck and just haven't be as cheesy as Oh my god, I'll get.
Out cheesier than our JC penny.
Oh those were amazing.
Okay, Oh you know what. We might also get a new logo in August our six year anniversary. Oh my god, Brian and I are talking about it. You can have some input too if you want to.
Oh really, thanks, we're going We're going sleek and modern.
We're going more moderns.
Is gonna be us naked on a bear skin? Wren?
I don't know, Brian, it's just gonna be text. I think it's gonna be words.
Oh.
Eric wants to be featured prominently right.
I could be laying on my back and you could be like a pole dancer.
What do you think a logo is.
So much so? We don't want them to like just business on business letterhead?
Why not.
Anyway? Thank you for watching and listening. Guys, love your podcast.
Just go why I'm not ready to go yet.
It was way too quick.
Oh my thing fell out. Oh no, I gotta figure.
Your daily planet. Yeah, oh boy, don't put it in the middle like a big brooch.
I'll put it over.
Wow, that's obnoxious. Love your podcast.
Thank you, Love my sweet babies, love you so much. Bye.