Hello. This is Laura Kane after Dark, the podcast that has just added a new member because it seems like every Thursday, this little boy named Elvis. He's not even in the picture. Uh sits in between us. So we have there's a third co host here, and then we have pretty Eric Rimmer. Hi, pretty sir Brian. Hey, how's it going? How is your Valentines? Was it fun? I mean you do you? Are you one of the Are you the kind of guy that says Valentine's Day is
just a Hallmark holiday? No, but it's also my anniversary with my lady, so so it's special. So I don't really I don't actually pay attention to Valentine's Day. It's just anniversary. So if you you don't get her, you get her one card. I don't get her a card. We just do anniversary stuff. You don't get her a card? No, when was the last time you got her card? She likes handwritten notes. Did you get her a handwritten note? Yes? Ah? How cute? Well I got her. I got her a Stanley cup and I got her a
stuffed cat plush. She loves cats. I got I just made her a basket of like stuff that is cute. And what's the Stanley Cup? The Stanley Cup. Stanley Cup some massive fucking cups that chicks have now with the handle on it. Oh yeah, got her one of those. And you made a little gift basket. Yeah that is great. You're a good boy
friend. You celebrated last Saturday, though, because Wednesday it's on Wednesdays, middle of the week, so I know it's kind of a I went to the swamp Meet for the first time, which one sports arena and your thoughts trashy some cool stuff though, yes, but mostly trash. Yes, mostly like people literally selling trash exactly. Some very cool stuff though, I did remember when I went. But I went to the lesser swamp Meat, which is the Spring Valley swamp Meat, and I sold all my old clothes there.
I want to go the sant One. Oh that's too interesting. You should go to Spring Valley. They have a lot of good food. Maybe sports arena is very a lot of immigrants that come up from the border for the day. Oh, I guess they're not immigrants, but they just a lot of people that come up from the border just to sell their stuff. You've experienced not not, Yes, I have. I've been I've been at Kobe's. I sold some stuff there with a friend of mine many years ago,
and then Spring Valley. I'm a swap meat kind of girls. There's definitely people to do it like every week money. Yeah, how we made I don't know, like four hundred and fifty dollars. Yes, this was some really cool stuff there that I wish I bought, but I didn't have space for bummer Anyway. Before we get to our host chats, I have a very Wait a minute, what did you do for Valentine's Day? Oh? Cried yourself to sleep moving? Was this going to be? Were you
going to ask me this in your host I can ask it now. I worked from five am to ten am, came home, took a nap, worked from three pm to six pm, came home, put on my pajamas, ordered door Dash, and went to bed alone. Oh my god, it's like we were It's like we were looking in a mirror. I don't even care. I don't. I hate Valentine's Day. Why it's stupid? I hate it. No, I don't think that there needs to be one day out of the year that you tell somebody you love. I think it's
lame. What am I gonna do every other Jesus No, stupid. It's nice that there's a day when you can really commemorate your love for another person and spend Instead of spending like twenty five dollars and cut flowers, you spend one hundred and fifty flowers. Are so stupid. Okay, what's your favorite holiday? Then? Christmas? What you hate Christmas? I do, but I'm starting to like it again. Okay, what's your second favorite holiday? Uh? This is fascinating, by the way, Thanksgiving? I guess I'm
not like a big, super big holiday. That was the fourth of July. I do love fourth July. I think I'm going to love love Halloween. Say this year, I do love Halloween. What are you doing? I don't know yet, but I recently discovered I kind of knew this, but I'm lots of Irish, so I probably feel like I should celebrate that. Now. How fun are your your did you do the gene thing? Yeah? And you're a lot Irish? Well, I'm seventy percent or like
British and Irish. Wow, so Irish. You need to have yourself a pint, dude. That was the worst thing I've ever Oh my god, I'll probably go find a bar chill out, you know, just fell off downtown or Hooli's have you heard of Huli's dude, my god, Hey, did you hear any more from the game show that you auditioned for? No? Oh, I think lying on your lying on your interview is probably a
no go. I don't think they actually care that much. I haven't heard, Oh, Holly the Center of Morality that agreed next week I will play for you an acting audition. I said, Oh, my god, for a mom who between forty five and fifty five, So I fit that category like Sunday for what for a short film? You discovered the backstage app Yes, this is gonna be the best thing ever. I can't wait so bad. I don't think I've seen this. It's so bad. She's like, hey, uh, Jim, No, I want to go to the park
and I'll make us some peb and J's. I wish I had the script. It was so I only have a few lines. And they just want to see what you look like obviously and what you look like acting. And if you can act right, you should mention your minor league celebrity, former celebrity. They can look at my profile. It's all on there, your IMDb, my backstage profile. But okay, so the woman's name is Patricia.
Oh yeah, because you screamed Patricia, and I have to I'm a hoity toity type of lady, which I also don't scream, really, but I could, I could, I could get there. My first line is, well, who's this fluozy? Oh boy? Oh wow, way to bring another gold digger home? Mark? No, you're not getting wow. Wow you could wow, look at the lousy gold digger. Okay, now I'm going to try it. When I tell Mark what you've done that you didn't come home at night, You're never ever going to be allowed in this
house again, even if you're begging and crying. Wait, is there actually the script? Yes? Seriously, what what was the first What was the first line? Is this another fluozy? Oh? Another fluozy? Okay, here's how you say it. You can't. I can't be as animated. It's a less so you'd say this, Oh is this another fluozy? That's good? What? Okay, that's you're not good. The point of acting
is not to act, it's to say how you actually run. When I was saying the last part, okay, we will pick apart my audition next week. I mean, I've written plenty of bad dialogue for that is okay, I want Brian to be the judge. Now we're gonna say the second line. Read the second line, please the line? Okay, the line is gosh, wait, I had memorism, and now that I blanked out after I spit that out. Way to bring another gold digger home mark?
Okay, way to bring another gold digger home Mark. Yeah, that's much better because the character that he is saying is playing would actually say that. The character you're playing would never say those things. Well, thank you, where's my Academy award? It's another fluozy. No still to still too. But that's like, okay, oh another fluozy. That's better. But you have to think about first. You have to think who would say that?
What type of person would say those words? A woman who is rich and has a son who is going to inherit a fortune sound way more pretentious, but also have the confidence to actually pull that off. Well, who's this fluozy? Thank you? Thank you? You need to talk, you know, have you seen the rested development? Yes, you need to talk like the mom to someone who's rich and is condescending like that. You know she has that kind of like you know, okay, how about this way to
bring another gold Digger home I wouldn't put a giant pause. I know, I forgot. I didn't. I didn't need to way to bring another gold Digger homemark? No, you sound like you sound like lower class boy mom way to bring I did take a sip after I said that, way to bring another gold Digger home Mark? What's the pause after mark or in between mark? And that's I don't know, I don't know. I just put it in there. There was a comma. I would say it like that.
You say it like this way to bring another gold hair homemark? No gold Digger home Mark? Way to bring another gold Digger home Mark? See he paused a tiny bit. Yeah, I agree. It's not good. Excuse me? That was that's the last line. The last line is what the girl goes, well, guess what, we're not together anymore, and I have to go excuse me, okay, excuse me. This is a
character he's good at excuse me, excuse me. Kind of you need to project a little bit like you're like something that someone should actually be afraid of, though, because you're words have to carry weight, and you need to have a look on your face like you just smelled a big fart. Okay, I think, oh, because you're a director, I have directed some god awful performance like Gold and see my performance was amazing. He even said so, said, director even said so. No. But see I think
I'm a better actress because I take direction better. I was taking direction better right from you. I didn't need direction because my performance was this spoty direction. See he didn't even have to give me any direction. Now, personally, I would never use any of that dialogue because it sucks. Yeah, but Eric, the person Eric is portraying, is more likely to say it than you. Thank you. That's just I would just say you're probably not
right for that role. But I also would say I wouldn't want to see who is right for that role because it's kind of terrible dialogue. I think the payment was like twenty five dollars. No, I don't do those. No, it was like three hundred or maybe six fifty or something like that. How many days it was I think twelve hours of showing. That's pretty good. I know there's someone there. They ask you like, we want you to create a video a testimonial and unboxing this and that, put it
all together, edit it for fifteen dollars. It's like, I'm not going to go to all that work fifteen bucks. That's so stupid. But anyway, I know the game show has not called back, but we need to talk about our fabulous sponsors. And one of them is a great person, a great money manager. He's just doing it his whole entire life. Jay, we love you. His name is Jay Wartzler. He's with Capital Growth, Inc. Here's more about them. Are you ready to take control of
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this is uh, I don't know. Do I know this? Yes? You do, I do. Yes. I had the pleasure, uh like it was a It was a kind of a series of lemony snickets, fortunate events. I got to see my son again. He flew into San Diego because he was he was on his way to somewhere else. So I got to spend about six hours with him and his fiance. So they got engaged, like I don't know, like a year ago or whatever. Anyway, they've sent out the official email, the official website. They have a venue
and they have a date. Oh and I don't think I'm supposed to say this, So you guys don't tell her. It's just between us. Yeah and the internet. You guys don't say anything, Okay, promise me it's just between us. But this is gonna be this will bring down the entire house. In tears, Charlie said to me, I think I want Evan to sing our first dance song. Oh boy, okay, oh cool. I'm gonna be like a puddle. A puddle, so will everybody else. Oh my god, isn't he so? But I'm going to have a I'm
gonna have another daughter. I bet they're going to start popping out babies any minute because they really want kids, all right. And I know it's like you. It's like you getting married. You're the same age pretty much as Charlie. That's true. And uh, it's going to be in Portland, and my mom's going, and my sister and her kids are going, of course, and hopefully my best friend Stacy's going. My best male friend might be going too, because Charlie wants him there. Yeah that's cool. Yeah,
Charlie really wants you there. So it's I'm just really happen. Yeah. So so I feel so fortunate because I got to see him in December, and I got to see him in the beginning of February, and now I won't probably see him until July. But like, are we allowed to? Are you and I allowed to dance inappropriately on the dance floor? Oh god, yes, her family's cool like that, okay cool Eric comes out swinging like Dick swing into Martin on the dance Oh yeah, oh my god,
that would be incredible. I would totally do that. I would just stre through, just naked. We could set up like little like tables you can move around with, like, oh my god, that's so fun. I love that. In modern art, the inclusion of a penis is now high peak art. I know, right, it is include the full picture of my laoya cosmetic. I know soon it's gonna be like whatever. So anyway, I just I, oh, what are the duties of the mother of the groom? Nothing? Oh I don't think you do. I think
I pay for the like rehearsal dinner or something. Yeah, yeah, I think that's my That's what I start saving. Are you gonna have are you gonna have it? Chick fil a Olive Garden? And if you're really, if you really, if you said to a lot, then we can have it. We can have it at crack Tacos talking Oh my god, Oh my gosh. Maybe it'll be at somebody's house and it'll be handmade. Maybe it'll be about a potluck. That would be maybe, maybe Laura, maybe,
oh my god, you could bring rice. I know you can bring tam food. No, do you know what they always have? You bring the rolls, because I can just like go, oh my god, oh, like the crappiest you get, like the multi grain, whole grain, like expiring this good Hawaiian. Yes, you know, I'd spare no expense known to man. Well, what's a big giant thing me? Everyone who wants a roll? You want a couple of small ones. I ate an entire half of a piece of garlic loaf the other night. Jesus, so
good. You're just eating lots of loafs lately. Well, and I get rid of them just quickly. He goes to bathroom like ten times a day, like garlic bread. Totally all right, mister? What is Oh did we talk about your host chato already? Yes, So we're going to do this though, since you were so adept at reading that script of the Mother, Oh okay, I thought that we could change the scenario a little bit and make it like you're the milf okay, and the Amazon you're going to
be interviewing for a different type of movie. I'm the Amazon driver bringing in your big package. Oh my god, I don't know if I can do this because I'm so so I'm just a little flower. Oh right, just a little little innocent little flower. You're on a milf. You're no this? Oh gosh, So I'm gonna I'm gonna am I answering the door. Yes, okay, hold on just a second. I'll be right down. Okay, okay, then him, Hi, ma'am. Is this package for me? It certainly is. Should I open it now? If you'd like,
I'm going to lunch right after. What would you like to come in so I can open it up? I'd love to come in. Don't. When you come in and open your package, I'll be very excited because I've been waiting a long time. Excellent. Well, be you're going to have to stand back because once I opened the box? Oh what's in the box? Now? So is my is your package? Your? Is your package? Being you? Guys? They're already fucking by now what the darn it? Darn it, we already said the C word. Your pants have to
come off, all right? That doesn't know. But I can't. I can't. I'd be the worst porn actor. I'm the worst actress. I'm terrible. Yea, I will. I'll send you, probably on the weekend. Don't send me those scripts. Don't no, no, no no, I'm not gonna send the scripts. I don't want the tagline either. I don't want anything about the log line. No no, no no no no no no no no. I will not bother. I will not bother the
Prince on his precious, RESTful weekend. That's mister Prince to you. I will send you some of the auditions I've done, and maybe we play him, and then you what about the one of you playing the guitar on that commercial? Is that one? Do you have that one that is on VHS? Somewhere deep within my I think I think there's a roll out there for you. But it's not that one. An acting role. Yeah, sure, that would be someone nice, because I don't think you can play someone
mean. She does on the show all the time. No, bitchy is different, talk about me. Nice people can be bitchy. The case in point. I never would you. I didn't say you were a bitch. I just said bitchy. Oh yeah, you can act really good at being annoyed. Bitch to you sometimes, Oh totally, but you're a bitch to me sometimes. Oh my god, emphasis on the raging part. You almost maybe cry, like three months ago? What did Oh yeah, you're so mad. I'm about to do it again. Was that three months ago?
Was that three months ago? Yeah, I'm about to revisit it. You were about to cry anyways, that you're about before anyone walk in there? Probably you know what, Probably I walked. She's like, Bryan, oh yeah, oh yeah. All right. Now we're gonna play this fun game called What's in the box? What are you a Karen about? In a box that you were going to have? Maybe a lot of these I have. I think we should tell each other what they're a Karen about, because
I think Aaron doesn't. Eric doesn't. Aaron can buy Karen and Eric never mind? You, Well, I should say what Eric's are? I think something you should trade what your Karen's about? Okay, like he goes, I go, here goes, Okay, I am a Karen about people who walk across the crosswalk. Sure, the light the little man is on, but then it turns and they're still walking so incredible, Or in a crosswalk where there's just a stop sign, I'm I'm waiting to go, move your
ass now, and they just like they're just strolling along. I'm a Karen about that. Now. Now, look what if it was me and for some reason my colostomy bag like got dog, I would run your ass over bonus points if I squashed the closs me back and I goes splats everywhere like a couple just holding hands or just kind of flame. You hate love,
That's what this is. You're jealous. No, you know I agree with you because yesterday there was a guy that was crossing the street with his dog and he let his dog stop in the middle of the street and take a ship. Well, I was waiting, and I'm like, come on, are you kidding me? Move it along. Let him take a ship in
your own house next time. If I ever walking a crosswalk and I see Eric just like waiting, I'm gonna I'm gonna take a ship in the middle of Oh my god, and I will climb on your car and take a ship on the hood, climb Spider Man style totally. I'll just hop up there, all right, What are you caring about everything. I Oh, I don't even know where to start. I'm a Charen about did you want
me to say something? I know, I just Laura just saying the bitch about no, no, no, no, this is a I thought that I would help and give another one while you were thinking, oh, no, I already have one furniture. I know. No, I am a Karen about bad customer service? Yeah? Really really any yeah, any kind of I just wrote to another company. God. My favorite part is when he went on Southwest and like another customers that bitched to him, he took
out the company. He's like, well it was the guys, like the guys like He's like, what are you gonna do? But he's like, I'm going to write to the company. Yep, I'm going to go and I got what I asked for And he got it yep for the company that wasn't at fall okay. And he's also written to Jerome. Oh yes, and they can finally and they and they gave him the couch and they gave it to him almost free, worth it in the end, right, worth it in the end? Now who So Unfortunately it was the Voltaire in Vegas.
When I went to see Christina Aguilera and she canceled her concert. It's that it's in the Venetian, So the theater in the Venetians. So the tickets you well, the tickets not We're not so getting the refund. So they give you. They said, well, if you book the tickets for once she we reschedule her for her performances, of which there were only ten or twelve, not only will we give you, will we honor those tickets, but we will also give you. I think it was like a thousand
dollars credit or something too for the hotel or for meals or whatever. It was something like that something I don't know if it was exactly a thousand dollars, but with something like that, well none of the dates worked out for me, so I'm not going to be able to see her. So it was like, okay, process the refund crickets. So I emailed and I'm like, why am I getting the run around? Process the refund? Oh, you have to go through ticket Master. Through that, I was like,
they weren't bought through ticket Master, they were bought through you. Okay, this is all the information we need. So I said, stop giving me the run around. Give me either the number scary, oh yeah, and I got okay? Was okay? You got the okay? So what happened? Did you have to be passed off to a manager or anything? They just told me what they needed. Did they start treating you? Were
they treating you nice? Were they much nicer? Okay? I'm putting money on the fact that as he gets older, the company needs that he has beef with will become smaller and smaller, so it'll probably be like a gas station or he's like, I wrote a letter to Jack in the Box corporate because their fries were not filled all the way at the top. And I went into the manager. He said, oh, let me replace that for you said, and I said, I don't want you to replace him.
I want your corporate number, because I'm gonna call corporate. I'm gonna have your job. But he is going to be the most persnickety old man over every little thing. He's gonna write a letter to the City of San Diego about the curb outside his house, Oh for sure, the paints chipping off, or something outside my outside my assisted living homes where you and I are going to be living. Like he's gonna sue home depot because his grass is
dying or something. I'm gonna I'm gonna be emailing the like the customer service department at our retirement home. Oh, don't mix it up at our retirement that your peas weren't mashed up enough for you to I will not be giving you any more my business than homeless. He No, come on, do not complain at the place we end up. Okay, I might if they don't treat us right. Let me tell you, Okay, have you thought are you a caring about anything? I don't think so, what's your What
else are you a caring about? Well? I hate saying this, but it really freaking bothers me. Those bicycles A bicyclist, okay, skinny bicyclist in a little bicycle suit, bicycling in the middle of the street because he thinks he has the right to do that. And your bike is not as fast as my car, so I can't pass you. I'm not going to tailgate you. You're being a dick right now. Have you ever seen the clip of from family Guy talking about bicyclists on the road. Basically it says
that all moms have actually hit and killed a bicyclist and then ran. Every single mom is guilty of and they just live with the guilt forever. Oh my god. So the reason, the reason Laura so up says, because she has killed a bicycle accidentally, but then she ran. There were three of them, like taking up the whole street the other day, and oh my god, how many of them lived? None of them, she she,
you know, two of them were dead unimpact. And the third one, she regretfully and sadly put it. You know, you know another one that I am a caring about. What when people show up too early or too late for appointments. That's shocking considering I've yet to see you here every single time. That's I'm always here before my shift slot. I am here not after uh seven, No, you never have been lame, has been here past seven before. Let's list. Let's hear him out. The only
time when I had arhea? Yeah, that was the time. I remember that. And that's fair because unless you wanted me to have the Hershey squirts right here on set, then yes, and I think I was like five minutes late. I also don't like it when people talk on their cell phones near out their dirty laundry. So that everybody can hear. I love that. I hate it when people smack their gum when they crack it. Do you guys chew gum? Ever? No, I do, and I hate
it. I remember the last time I choul gum. I love gumte watching people eat. I got these new mints and they have caffeine in them. Oh that's caffeine, but they spell it nicotine on here. I don't know why I can't get enough of these things. Lord, she pulls out nic corectum. I'm gonna have mercy. I got them on Amazon. They're called Victor Energy. It sounds like Biagres extra strength, peppermint flavor, caffeine mints puce energy and fresh and breath. Here. Eric, take one. Oh,
it's not going to do anything for me. Probably won't give me one hair throw to me. I'm not going to do a thing for me. I'll go right home and go to sleep. Are you then they're mints? Okay, I'll about to start chewing on it. I think it has like I bought. Oh it has thirty My god, this is absolutely awful. I was almost snoring. I could tell that was snoring. That was Eric warning show. Oh my God. These are awful because they've got them.
But they're fine, and they're not that bad bad. It tastes like I'm eating a cough drop. How many grams or milligrams of caffeine are in a cup of coffee? Do you know that? By per chance? I think? Okay? Because these have thirty each? Yeah? Much? And you've eat and how many sixteen hundred of them? Today? I hate like five? You drink? You like two? Oh no, what it's how desperate
are the longer? It's awful. Also got on Amazon. It's called I can Boost and it's a caffeine spray that you put it under your tongue. Oh my god, you got like nar cannon there now, Oh my god. To focus on energy. They need to focus. I know. They're they're very, very tastes like cocka doo doo in there. You're supposed to pray it eight times. I hold it for seconds. I swear to God Kane. If you I'm not if you call, if you call me or email me at four o'clock in the morning. Those are terrible, I know.
But they do the trick. They do the trick. They do the trick. They do the trick. Okay, So this portion of the of the podcast was going to be taken up by my outfit of the month, which I'm going to try to do. But I've just I don't like what I'm wearing and I don't want to do it. We're going to play, but it's no, it's not I have received and I'm not kidding. I'm not just saying this because I'm sorry. I can't payttention. That mint was so bad? Isn't it tastes like dirty ass? Yeah, it's like do
you want some caffeine spray to get it out of your mouth? No? No, don't do it. But oh no, why it's probably reasonable time I do. I just mean, I just need help focusing. Oh is that is that smoking? Cigarettes? Already? Did? That? Is smoking? You are not smoking? Of course? Not? Cigarettes look cool though, No they don't. The best the best movie characters are always smokers. No, they're not dark and tortured ones. Hell. Yeah, anyways, so I will do I will stand up and show you what I was going
to. I might as well, because now you're going to wonder, why does she not like her outfit? You look like you're on your way to the eleventh grade. To the eleventh grade. Oh yeah, I have a backpack for you somewhere. You look like you're trying to recapture your youth. It's long gone there when I I know, when I was putting this together, like on the floor, it looked really cute because I just got this. This this is a body suit, this red thing from Amazon. Probably
be nicer on your daughter, which more like this. This isn't I don't think this is what I'm wearing on the bottom and the bottom is maybe age inappropriate. I don't think this is age inappropriate. I'm eric no, no, but these are no. The jeans I think are fine. These are those are cute. Okay, so I'm going to stand up. I'm going to show you altogether. It's just okay, tell me if you can get Yeah, you're fine. Okay, So here we go. Okay, can
you see me? Okay, there we go. All right. So these jeans I got from a place called Sarah's in La Mesa, and they were on the half off rack and I think they were twenty bucks. This little uh what do you call it a body suit? I got it from Amazon and it was I think twelve ninety nine. Okay, this fake Valentino belt I got from a place in Obi called the Closet and it was nine ninety nine. Okay, and these shoes which match my red body suit. Look, look I'm doing a yoga pose. I was gonna say, oh my
god, I'm doing a yoga pose. Oh wow, look I'm you are flexible. Look at this. This is pretty awesome. So you don't wanna you don't wanna read it's the show stopping though, No, no, it's not. Anyway. These shoes I got on buy nothing. They were free someone jew's shoes. She's gonna say that, she's like, these were faked. I gos where someone walking, someone's feet had been in there. Yep, yuck, yep, yep r. There are some things that's not worth
that is zill That outfit will still cost you what sixty nine bucks? And then if you want to add a little jacket. This jacket's pretty cute. I got this from Sheen, which you're probably saying wrong because we were saying TMU wrung the whole time. It's probably Shine. I think it's actually she In, but that's the way I used to put it. I think she is better anyway. So you just this little Jackie on and now now I kind of look age appropriate. Yeah, yeah, the cardigan's definitely Okay,
that adds to it. It makes you look older, yeah, which in this case is a good thing. Yeah. I think it's fine. I think I'm gonna do this the rest of the show like this. Okay, is it time to look like you moonlight as a stripper and you daylight as that whatever that is. I know, I'm not quite sure what this is, but I'll do a proper one coming up. It's it's it's there's a lot. Look you look like someone who's never too far away from taking their clothes off. Yeah, and that's so not me. Oh my god.
Okay, I'll sit back down, am I? Now I have my jacket? Oh I forgot to mention this. This came from San Diego Crystals and Jewelry. Got to have a bit one big medallion piece, you know, and this was twenty dollars m pirate treasure. Okay, is it time to end? Or can we do one more thing? Let's do a game. Let's do that game, right, Okay, we've played it before. What's your price? Oh okay, well just like blurred it out. We won't have to write it down unless you want to write it down. Okay,
I was pointless. It was pretty funny, though I know we did, we did, we did, Okay, I haven't gone through these. I have like a huge list of them. What's your price? Five bucks? Refer to yourself in the third person for a full year? Oh, five grande? Maybe ten? Let me, Let's try it. Let's try it. Let's try it. Laura thinks that, but I mean, no, it's Laura doesn't like that. Eric doesn't like it either. But it could be. It could be funny, though Laura doesn't think that it would last
that long. But I think Eric thinks that you should shut the fun out. The hardest part is it's a year, a year for Oh god, that would be the most I could do that. I think I would maybe even go probably have to go fifty. Yeah, oh god, if I offered you fifteen grand you do it. Let's be real, I wouldn't. Let's pretend we are all football players, okay, just for a second, okay, in my abusive Travis else or am I like cool? Travis?
You're not You're not even You're just you're a generic football player. Travis Kelsey is the most generic football player. What would it take? What's your price to drink a cup of another player's sweat? Full cup? Millions? You know I wouldn't do it because I'm rich, I'm an NFL player. I wouldn't get it. No, you're not. I didn't say you were an NFL player, didn't. I just said you were a generic football player. That could mean anything. You play in a league, like an adult league.
One hundred million. Oh, come on, Eric, I would never fifty k. I probably, oh god, for fifty k. Fifty k is a lot of money. No, if it was like that much, that's like a glass of those disposed would actually get picture. I would vomit the case a lot of money. I'm doing ten You do tight? You want it? You throw up, You're done with it? Boom, ten grand. You are crazy. There go, all my credits done. It's just salty water. Come on, okay, what's your price? Eat one
small bar of hotel soap? Oh? Oh, the whole thing, the whole entire thing. Well, if it was a really good brand like Lasstin, can put something on it like whip cream. Nope, it's that waxy kind of you got to take off the paper that's hard to take off, and then you got to put it in the five grand. I for five grand, I do it for fifteen Grandah, yeah, I do it for five grand. I do it for I would do it for like five hundred. Soap tastes so bad? Is there a time limit? Can I like?
Yeah? Is it like you take two bites of it and like you have to eat a full bar? That's all it's said. I don't know, maybe two grand it's gonna be at least now I do fifteen. Okay, this is interesting because this is actually a TV show. What is your price? Legally marry a stranger? There's a whole show about that. Yeah, well that's not it's love at first love is no love at first sight. How long do you have to stay married for? It? Doesn't know?
Just would you just like forever? I don't know. There's no legally marry a stranger that's important. At least a year? Oh god, I say that undred one hundred thousand. Are they can take all my money in the divorce? Uh no, we're not. You're not going to have the nitty gritty like one hundred thousand. You just have to live with that person and be married to that person and have to take that person to live with them one hundred and fifty thousand? Do we have to I have to take
their life? Well, they have to take yours. You have to consummate it. It does I don't well, I don't know. There's no details, but this is important. I don't know. I'll just say one hundred and fifty k. Yeah, okay, for like a year. I do it for five years. Yeah, but we're not consummating it so I can get an annulment and they have less chance to take the Yeah, I'm going higher. Actually, no, you do it for less. We talk about a cured your loneliness and money? Oh gosh, what's your price? Give
up sugar and sweets for one full year? One hundred k? Yeah, I'm gonna be honest, Like, that's hard. That's hard. That's like a daily thing for a year. Like, I mean, I know, fifty k's a lot of money, but like I would crack. I probably would. Yeah, one hundred K. I could do it. I bet a hundred k. You'd be like a million. There's there isn't. The amount of money that she would need has not been invented yet. Oh probably it hasn't been printed yet, A gillion, a million or whatever, a
billion plex amounts of money. Yeah, I couldn't do it. I wouldn't be able to do it. I don't think you would. I just you're addicted to sugar. I appreciate this self reflection there, though. I'm honest, I really truly. What's your price to wear tap shoes everywhere you go? Oh my god, Oh my god, fifty dollars. Oh you don't have to walk and give tours? Oh, I would totally be honest. Tap shoes kind of have a nice sound to him, though, Oh my god, everywhere you go, every market? Do you know how? Do
you know? How unbelievably? And I make sure that I went everywhere where they were like travertine floors. I'd be like, oh, he's just tapping us whenever you can. Oh yeah, oh my god, ten grand It would be the most oh my god grands. I wouldn't even mind if someone near me was always they sound nice. Okay, this one is really man, Oh god, because I'm thinking about my daughter and I what's your price? Loudly boo a family member doing a theatrical perform Oh, a family member,
Oh I would totally do it for two grands. Noah, no, no, because I'm thinking packed theater, serious scene, and then they're pissed, they cry, and then when they get off stage, you slip them half the money. Laura, Okay, here's what we're going to do this. Ready, I want you to do your dramatic reading as the mom okay, okay, and pretend you're on stage in New York Broadway debut, celebrities in the audience and me packed house, standing room only. So where'd you
go last night? Boo? You suck? That was Eric, He's my family bitch. And then I'd be like, where's my fifty dollars? You'd do it for free? He's like, he's like, so who do I pay? Oh god, this one is bad. What's your price? As we have? Because there's an animal right here. He's a dog. French kiss you're dog? Ooh? Oh my god. I do that with Elvis for free. I was three minutes. Oh people do that? Wait? Do I have French yah? Use my tongue? Absolutely? Oh? Twenty
five grand? Oh that just seems so all kinds of wrong. Twenty five grand this is untaxed money, right, yes? Okay, good I'm going higher than that. I think I could do it for twenty five you're realistically the lowest. If I offered you twenty five grand to french your dog with three minutes and now I think you do it, you know what, I'd pick him up right now and do it. Ya. You don't do it for one cent, not one cent for free? Maybe a hundred bucks probably
what she does when we're not around. Okay, we'll do one more. Oh watch your price. Sleep in a bed infested with bed bugs for one night? Oh? Hell, no, only one night? One night it's infested, though? Can I guarantee the bed bugs aren't coming home with me? No guarantees, no guarantees, no amount of money that would be. That's just the lifetime of pain I want. You can get rid of those, though, can't you. Yeah? About what have you ever seen what
somebody looks like that's been bitten by bed bugs? Yeah? I think I I think I know. I can't look at those because that's the tight pattern thing. Yeah, what I would do is, I would doubt I would take a bleach bath, like immediately after before I went home or something. No, but you're they you look like you have the chicken pox on like I know, but okay, well, what's your price then a billion dollars? Be realistic. I am being realistic. Oh, because here's no way.
Here's the thing. You get into a bed with bed bugs. You can't tell you can't. It's not you can see them, yes you can, you can't. It's the sheets are literally brown. I've seen what a house that's like like in real life. You have, yes, I have a right it is. I'll tell you after it's disgusting before I before I give you a price, I would need to see the bad I guess it is absolutely disgusting, Brian. And then when they bite you, the sheets
are covered in blood. It's disgusting. Yep, that sounds pretty intense. No, it's disgusting. Okay, okay, okay, okay, this is easy, and I know it's not going to be a lot of money. But let's see who goes the highest step in dog poop barefoot? Oh? Oh a thousand dollars, yeah, a thousand. Here's the thing. I want more though, like step and it goes through through the toes. Gross, that's a lot of what that's like horseship that's like a big no,
big dog A hundred one thousand bucks. I go wash off my foot, I take a shower, exactly. Problem solved. Yeah, fifty bucks. Yeah, she's like, I do this on a daily basis. Yeah. At My favorite part is she's she gives it. She like sets up where she's like, this is like the worst thing ever. She's like a thousand, She's like, oh god, just a good thing. Fifty I do it for five. I love fifty dollars. You know what. I would literally pay you fifty dollars and have Elvis take a big dump and then you
just step in it. No, no, we're talking big poos. We're talking about German ship bird ships. No, I'm oh yeah, not else. I have my hand out. That's literally like stepping on a nomen. Oh yeah, let's get somebody with like a mas stiff, steam steaming, big dog, big steaming wet pile a dog crap. It's gotta be it's gotta be like plain. I'm like, Cane, here's your fifty dollars. That's gotta run through your toes. He's also got a tape worm. There's
gotta be a there's gonna be a footprint in after. Yeah. Yeah, and I have to like run to find a hose, like that's not really close by you. No, you just scrape your feet on the grass and toes. Do not ask me to clean it with a wet wipe. I will not doe hundred dollars. Then I'm still going with a gram because I'm doing ad because it's like, like a hundred bucks isn't that much mony. I wouldn't do hardly anything for a hundred bucks, you know, Laura,
would I would? I want not like, but like, I wouldn't do anything serious. I didn't live, I do have. When I was house sitting for a friend of mine and her husband there, it was pouring, pouring rain, and this is when I lived downtown. We were out, I had the umbrella, and he wouldn't just poop anywhere. He liked his privacy. So we went over to this like lawn area across the street and
he was pooping. It was pouring rain. It was pitch dark out because there was no lights there, and I had the poop bag and I reached down and grabbed the wet, steaming pile of He was a medium sized dog. I didn't realize that in the no that there was holes on both and the bag just was defective and I reached through and grabbed it with my bare hands. And that was for free wow to watch the Okay, can we
end the show show? So we'll be back on Monday with another live show on Instagram and YouTube and then, of course are normal two episodes a week. We love you guys for listening and watching. Thank you so much, and love your podcast. Love your podcast. I love you, my sweet babies. Bye you guys, Thank you