Side Stories: RIP Ozzy

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Hear ye. Hear ye. I hear ye. The great king of rock and roll is dead. Long live Ozzy Osbourne. The black prince of metal. The king of evil. He has passed. And the day of mourning has begun. And it's over. Thank you, Rob. Yes. The Prince of Darkness. Prince of Darkness. I cannot believe that he... Wow. You know, 76 years young. Man. Ozzy Osbourne. We're opening up cold today. Mourning the loss of the...

The number one voice. Champion of Satan. Yes. The number... The guy. The epitome of rock and roll evil. He's the dude who like... Taught me that being evil was kind of cool. It is Ozzy Osbourne. I can't believe it. Life is now going to be less. Yeah. That he's gone. It is, man. It's another example. To me, I view it like...

With David Bowie being gone and Prince being gone. We lost another person that there is absolute no. There's no modern equivalent to. No, there's not. There can never be. There will never be ever again. Another Ozzy Osbourne. He lived the life of extremity for us. Yeah. He did it. so that he could walk the actual walk of the man himself, the man that would don this sort of persona of being Ozzy Osbourne, which also turned out to be as much of a set of challenges as anything else.

I mean, of course you can't be the Prince of Darkness and expect to have a decent life. I don't think so. I think that when you choose to become the Prince of Darkness, other things come along. Sharon. Yes. He's been next to death for a very long time. Yes. Sharon. Yes. Welcome to Side Stories. My name is Henry Zebrowski. I'm sitting here with Ed Larson. I've been in the malaise all day. I thought for sure. I mean, because he should be dead for a long time.

The fact that he even got to that final concert. He said he wanted to die on stage. So close. It seems like he tried. Yes. Oh, it seemed like it. He definitely he was shooting for it. Do you think that he died of a sense of cringe watching his daughter? Take the moment of his final Black Sabbath performance. I'm still like, this is where we get into page seven territory, where it's this picture. She didn't take the moment. Yes, I know. But Ozzy Osbourne, he is...

Almost dead. Sitting in a chair. It is after the very final Black Sabbath performance. I went and I watched some clips of it. He's definitely like, shake him like. Michael J. Fox on Adderall. He's fine, you know, exactly. And he can't really sing, but it's like he's super emotional, like, this is the last time I've ever introduced the band. It's like super emotional. Super amazing night. He raised like how many? $190 million. Crazy. All for charity. The largest charity concert of all time.

And he's sitting backstage. It should be all about Ozzy. And all of a sudden, his lovely daughter gets proposed to by the new drummer of Slipknot. That's the new drummer. He's the new drummer. Not even the old drummer. He steps into the center of this paparazzi circle around Ozzy Osbourne as he literally, he has no idea where he is.

And he sucks the emotion out of the moment by making it about him and her. And he asks her to marry him in the backstage area. Ozzy Osbourne is trying to eat the ring. He has no idea what's happening. And it is way worse. He's the DJ for Slipknot. He's not even the drone. Oh, he's the DJ for Slipknot. Oh my God. So Ozzy's last memory is his. daughter getting engaged to a DJ? Honestly, he might have committed suicide. It might be a suicide. He might have literally flung himself from the belfry.

Just watching this, he's so just like, I will not perform at this wedding. Please tell me I don't have to. You don't have to be there. I have to come. You have to eat a bed. You know, because he, again. also wanted to dispel a couple of rumors. You're in Slipknot. You keeping the ring in your fanny pack? This guy is an absolute trash. You have a fanny pack, but you're not trying to be in Slipknot. No.

You know, you're a loungers. Who do you mean? You're a fancy man. I have a bill of bag. Yeah, I'm a purse. Yeah. I have to have a purse because my shorts fall down. See, when you're shaped like a pear or shaped like an egg. You can't put stuff in your pocket. No, because it just shoots the pants down, especially if they have an elastic waistband. You want it to be comfortable.

Because that's where I'm wearing a lot of these days. It feels good. It's so good. I love an elastic. I'm giving it all in. Fuck it. Full on. Expandable clothes. We're murdered, man. We ain't got new jobs to get. I'm straight. Wear that stretchy band pants. Do we want me to be crying all day? Yeah. But just the idea of him watching Ozzy Osbourne. Has been through so much. He has fought.

So hard. He's almost died so many times in the last 10 years. Eddie and I were walking before the show, which is also, it is amazing to be in Los Angeles and just see, hearing Ozzy everywhere just coming out of people's cars.

and shit like that. It's fucking awesome. But we were walking down the street and we said that the, I guess the main thing you can say about Ozzy, the one bad thing really, besides all the years of drug abuse and his insanity, was the fact that he did open us up to the world of reality. television they were probably they were one of he paved the way the one of the biggest road rules and what was the other stupid MTV show

The real world. The real world. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Other than those shows, the Osbournes were first. And there was some art experiments back in the day. There was like a guy, there was actually a very interesting documentary about a guy that...

was one of the OG, I forget which website he was behind, but he created this world where he was in a 24-7 cube on camera and he ended up killing his girlfriend. It's like a whole true crime story. It's great. Not enough room in that cube. No. And so... I think it was just being a man. But Ozzy Osbourne did technically... What's nice about his performance in that... the Osbournes, the reality television show, is that because he was so out of his brain...

You didn't know what was going on. No idea. So we actually got to see the real Aussie. I think that was a part of why it was so interesting is that we got to see... The actual Ozzy Osbourne. Everybody else surrounding him is a grifter and a piece of shit. But the man himself was... It's just funny to see him. Everyone was just excited to see him sit on his couch. Yeah, it's like the cameramen were in his way and he couldn't even...

be bothered with it could not care like it's him he was my favorite and also back in the unfortunately which now but you know now it's all dark but like when kanye was vaguely featured in the background of the kardashians where he could like he'd see the camera and like run into the other room you know at least he had that instinct that was before my first uh my first concert without my parents was was uh

Typo Negative, Rollins Band, and Ozzy, solo. So angry. I wish I got to see them. Yeah, I know. It was fucking awesome. I saw Ozzy three years. That was like right before OzFest. That's how old I am. And then the next year was OzFest. I saw that again.

And the year after that, I went again because that was the Black Sabbath reunion. But he was in good voice for a very long time. No, his voice was good. But he did in 1997 when I saw him for the first time. He looked like he was going to die then. He was like hobbling. around the stage like his arm he couldn't lift his arms over his tits well I believe didn't he have didn't he suffer from like a lot of the shakes it seemed to have been like

Side effects of medication, I believe, that he was on for all of the damage. He had Parkinson's. And he did have Parkinson's. But before that, he was dealing with shit. Of course. He was going to die when Sharon found him. He drank himself next to death and he was sitting in a hotel room for years. Yep. And then Sharon figured out how to milk him.

For that money for the rest of his life. Hey, I mean, she saved his life. I like Sharon. I'm fine with Sharon Osbourne. I'm just saying I wonder how now we're going to use his corpse for money. But they'll figure it out. Oh, come on. Ozzy's going to make money for fucking $150.

years. Oh, I know. He's going to be stronger in death than in life, like Elvis Presley. It's going to be nice. There's going to be a Black Sabbath summer, dude. It's going to be all Aussie for the rest of summer now. I'm excited about it. Dude, that concert, I've got to tell a quick story. So, I'm at the show.

and it's my buddies and this chick fucking like ods right in front of us it was fucking crazy and then this and then this guy the whole concert he's belligerent he's awful he's like flicking off we never we didn't understand he was like i love you aussie And then he'd like flick him off like, fuck you, Ozzy. We're like, what is this guy doing? Yeah, I'm 15. I don't get it. You know, and so it is just like, fuck you, fuck you. And then this chick passes out on him, falls down a flight of stairs.

all of a sudden the guy like turns to us and he like he goes i'm a doctor i gotta help her I'm like, oh, no. Leave her alone. Doctor's got to relax. Doctor's got to relax, too. It's not his fault. But, you know, Ozzy, he's gone.

No one is going to replace him. Yeah. What's your go-to, Ozzy? What do you do? We were just listening to I Love Bark. at the Moon. Bark at the Moon's great. You know what my go-to this morning was? A very essential Ozzy album for me, even though it's not really one of his best albums, is Osmosis. Yeah, we were talking about this. I fucking love that album. I skipped school to go buy it.

it came out I fucking love that album Perry Mason well he's also one of the very few guys that can create literally create heavy metal Be one of the people that helped create heavy metal. And then his own career, his solo career, is awesome. Yeah. And, like, if you like, it's just, you can't not love rock and roll.

a not love ozzy osbourne you're you're a fucking idiot you don't like rock and roll if you don't like ozzy that's just the truth yeah man randy rhodes when he buzzed the when he buzzed the tour bus and crashed and died oh wow I mean this guy I mean what a life you know I was just thinking about how when my dad was dying it kind of reminded me a little bit of when I was watching Ozzy Osbourne it reminded me a little bit of him you know what I mean

because it's the show he was very emotional right like Ozzy was a very very emotional in the end and but I gotta say it was unfair that my dad did not get to bring out Tony Iommi in the middle of that. Think about that. You're dying. You should be in a hospice bed. But instead, you are. You're like, everybody, put hands together for Tony Iommi.

Still incredible. They're all, man. Geezer Butler's great. Geezer was the one person from Sabbath that was with Ozzy the first time I saw him. And then when I saw them do the Sabbath reading, first of all, full Ozzy set. Takes a break. Black Sabbath set. It was fucking awesome. That was the OG Black Sabbath re-up, right? No Bill Ward. That was like the late 90s, because I remember I had that double album. Yeah, it was like 99 or 2000 is when that was.

That double album was awesome. Dude, I caught... Tony Iommi's pick. Whoa. And then my mother threw it out because she didn't know what a guitar pick was and she thought it was trash. I threw out the trash that she kept. Don't worry, idiot. I threw out all that trash. I also took all that poster. I was like, bitch, go to the dump.

Find that shit. She's like, no, Eddie. No, there's no reason. You're all covered in shit. Get Youngblood off my fucking screen. He loved him. Get Youngblood off my fucking screen, Rob. I have never heard this man's voice. Who is Youngblood? I didn't know who he was a week ago I think that Ozzy legitimately thought he was a woman

I think that he has such a thin torso and he's like touching on his body and touching on his neck and stuff. Almost to your belly. I'm pretty certain that Ozzy Osbourne thought that this guy was a woman and he was trying to have sex with her. And he just didn't know. All right, because we all know that Ozzy Osbourne, he had like a cheating scandal like five years ago.

It was like post-COVID he had a cheating scandal. And I don't even know if he knows. It's like I think women are just telling him he's having an affair with them. Yeah, no, Ozzie doesn't know what's happening. He can't be guilty of anything. I don't know. I mean. I'd love to know. I feel like up to even yesterday or a week ago, if Ozzy pulled out a gun and shot you in front of me, I'd be like, I don't know, man. What are we going to do? 2016, there was nothing serious. No, it's not bad.

That's a long time ago for Ozzy Osbourne. 2016, he's still actively trying to fuck side pieces. I don't think he's trying to. I think it just got thrown at him and he didn't know how to physically get away. So I'm coming to this woman who's playing with my balls. I'm sorry, he's becoming Bernie Sanders.

Sanders. I know. I can't do an Ozzy impression, oddly enough. Sharon! Sharon! Sharon! That's it. That's all I have. That's all I have is old Ozzy. But, you know, Youngblood is, just so you know, Eddie... Youngblood is an extremely talentless young man that has wormed his way into Ozzy's world and then did a cover of Changes, which we all know is the easiest song of Ozzy's. two cover and we all know that the actual best cover of Ozzy's changes was

Oh, Charles Bradley. Charles Bradley. And if anybody is not Charles Bradley singing changes and someone who is not Ozzy singing changes, then I don't want to hear you sing changes either. Man, today I went to a coffee shop. Because that motherfucker, Charles Bradley. We can play it, Charles. of that, right? Can we? No, we can't. But it's fine. Go listen to it. I mean, it's the song at the top of Big Mouth. Going through changes. What? What do you mean?

The show Big Mouth? Oh, don't advertise Big Mouth. I'm just telling people where they heard the song. I'm going through changes. yeah no charles bradley's a fucking man charles bradley's the only person i've ever believed the words coming out of his mouth that he was singing this song we were talking about him the other week yep yeah man he also died also died died right right at the same time as

Sharon Jones, major hit for Daptone Records. All happened on George Clinton's birthday. It is upsetting. It's a full circle for me, my guys. One keeps to go forever. But George Clinton... 84? Yeah, think about that.

He's 11 years old, the Nazi, and he's still going. He's still on tour. He's still singing. He's actually doing great. Did you see that clip of him recently freestyling? Oh, yes. Yeah, it was George Clinton freestyling. It was really kind of like, whatever you think about it, it was just nice. Yeah.

He's got energy. He's never going to stop, man. He's going as long as he fucking can. No, and he's just sitting there smoking his blunts, painting his birdhouses. Nothing I love. Then George Clinton's Instagram presence. Oh, yeah. It's worth it. Just so you know, if you want a good... good follow on it yeah yeah yeah we still got george

Still got George. For a little bit longer. All right, I got a couple other updates. Wow, we talked about him for like 25 minutes. That's fine, though. That's Ozzy. We had to. He's our people. He's my fucking... Everyone loves Ozzy. It just makes me sad because he's just another person. We're now, us 40-year-olds... the rest of us in the 40s are now going to see all of our favorite people die over the next like 10 years. Yeah, but some bad ones too. Well, yeah, that's what they never die.

Yeah. The bad ones always go for forever. Yeah, fucking Ric Flair is like, cancer-free! Literally, utterly fine. He was like, you fucking piece of shit. Utterly fine. Everybody else is just spotless. All of the evil is just going to Trump's ankles. The rest of it is just, I don't know. I have no fucking idea. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid. All in one place. Seems amazing right? It's because it is.

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A couple of updates. We've got the blonde prostitute Attorney General Pam Biondi is deciding to take the Epstein scandal. She's going to continue the Epstein scandal forward. And she said that what she's going to do. Thank God. I'm glad she's on the case. Finally, someone's going to get into this, and what she's going to do is see what our favorite booker

Ghislaine Maxwell, I'm calling her a booker. She is a booker. Yep. And we're going to say, she's going to go ask Ghislaine Maxwell. The hooker booker. She is. She puts the hooker in booker. And so she went and she's going to go talk to Ghislaine Maxwell. She's going to clear it all up. Don't worry. And I think what's going to happen is my call. They're going to go to Ghislaine Maxwell. They're going to ask, all right, so who is on the Epstein list? And she's going to be like,

Nobody. And they're like, thank you. And they're going to release her. So I think that's what's going to happen. I think that everyone's here wondering who's all on it. And guess what? It's everybody and every single person that is on that list. I don't care what party you belong to. I can't wait to see you get tortured.

death. Kill them all. Literally. They are a waste of space. Literally. We could say kill a bunch of pedophiles. I think it's okay. I think that's the one we're allowed to. I think we could line up a bunch of pedophiles and shoot them in the head. You know, I think that's fine. We're not allowed to. Do it. I'll pay for a ticket to see it, though. Oh, my God.

Please. So we'll see how that goes. I'm certain that is going to get nipped in the bud. And so that is that's the one thing we got. That's one Epstein update. And then this other update. Oh, this one's... I mean, well, this is all... I speculated none of this has actually been confirmed. You know, what's interesting is that I got a little bit of pushback. Some people saying that we thought that our coverage of the passing of Dan Rivera might have been a bit insensitive. But I still think...

that people just need to understand that if we're going to help the paranormal community, we need to create more stakes with our deaths within the community because death is the whole... point of the community you travel in the world of selling ghosts You die mysteriously while on tour with the most famous haunted doll. And you think that a haunted podcast shouldn't talk about it? I don't know.

want to again we do have a lot of sympathy for dan rivera's family of course no one wants anyone to die well the newest update i believe They're still saying they believe that he died of natural causes. Yes, of course. I do think it's hilarious that they had to come out and say that Annabelle was not at the scene of the crime. But this is the problem. is that, okay,

Where is she then? What's her alibi? Where the hell is Annabelle? So that's what one of our what we were saying before the last week when we came out, we talked a little bit about our television pilot. We're back on normal schedule now. But. What Eddie and I were talking about a little bit last week was the fact that, okay, then she must have been in the car. Yeah. Right? She must have been- Got mad he left her in there. Yeah, maybe she's in the car, right? But-

Doesn't seem that way. No. Guys, we want to stop talking about this. But the news keeps developing. I wish that the Annabelle news would stop. I will say that the news I received today, I... can't guarantee that it's true but that's the best type of news that's the best type really is in the middle of could be entirely made up could be how do we feel about the economic times

I think that they're poor right now. Oh, is that a magazine? That's a publication. That's my news source. Rob, can you see if the Economic Times is reputable? Yeah, see what their biases are. article yesterday uh saying that annabelle doll disappears after investigator uh touring with it dies suddenly guys annabelle's missing again

And I'm looking at the Nesper. She's missing again. I'm on the. What's fucking happening? I'm on the Nesper social media. I'm looking at their Instagram. I'm looking at their Facebook. No. Word on where Annabelle is. But you did notice that Nesper put out... A little thing. This is after he died, right? This is a video. They posted this after he had passed already, right? No, no, no. This posts July 11th. When did he die? The 15th.

All right, so this was right before? So this was right before he died. This is their last post while Dan Rivera's alive. They posted them fucking straight up taunting Annabelle. Like, they dress someone up like Annabelle. This is like, okay, so the only way we can really describe this is there is a lady standing in front of the caged Annabelle.

While she's sitting there, obviously seething, this woman is dressed as Annabelle in front of her. This is, to me, the equivalent of me dressing up like Harriet Tubman and going to a U.S. slavery museum and going up and being like, oh, you know, like, do it all. whole Harriet Tubman fun character. You better get across the border. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to hear my Harriet Tubman? Yeah, let's hear it. You want to hear right now? Yeah. Hi, I'd like to take you to safety. Hi, my name's Harriet.

You want to go to Detroit? Excellent. All right, you want Cover Plus? His shoes are killing me. Yeah, you want some... You want a Sprite? You want a Sprite? You want some peanuts? All right, so let's... Let's play this little video. Go back to your home. She's got one of those ghost boxes, right? with everyone and I just felt like I got punched in the back. You don't look like you got punched in the back.

If you could get out of your face, is there something you would like to do? I'd like to run. Hold. So what we have is Nesper. They are keeping the kayfabe. So you have this woman, Drossa's Annabelle, in front of the cage to Annabelle. She's saying, I feel like Annabelle just touched me. They then asked in the ghost box, Annabelle, what would you do if you could get out of this cage? And according to the ghost box, it said...

Run. Yes. So now, like, they're doing this already. So they've leaned in ahead of us, guys. Yes. It's not just us. Everybody, like, we don't know what's happening. They still haven't said what Dan Rivera died of. I mean, I think it was a heart attack. They said they're working on it still. I feel like if they're still working on it, there might be some stuff going on. I mean, if there's a bunch of holes in his body, then that's one thing. But a heart attack...

I still think a heart attack is the way a doll murders a man. See, the way I was a haunted doll, and if I wanted to murder a man, I'd just lay at the top of the stairs. Oh, yeah. So that we had to pee in the night. I could kill him. That's how my wife's trying to kill me. What if he was in a ranch style? house. Wow, yeah. You gotta shoot him in the head, execution style. Yeah, stab, stab, stab in the back of the neck. Yes, go for the throat. That's how I'd kill him. So, Dan Rivera passed away.

And now we don't know where the doll is. Dolls are gone again. Dolls gone again. Unbelievable. I keep, I mean. Prove to us that we're wrong. I would love to stop talking about this, but as last podcast on the left, if more Annabelle news keeps coming up, we have to report on it. We are the only people. This is required.

We have to talk about Jeffrey Epstein, and we have to talk about Annabelle the doll. That is fully... in our wheelhouse and we're locked in there's no way to escape it and just so you know eddie the economic times is generally considered and majorly uh it's majorly wide red um but it's also it's got a reputation that's nuanced okay okay okay all right all right all right all right okay um um

Do you want to hear the story about a father and daughter sucking each other off in a garage? Hmm. Let's go on another one. Let's move on. Now, we have this story. Yeah, because it's the problem. This week, we got a bunch of stories, and a lot of them are just extremely sad. Yeah, they're just sad. That's just a story, literally.

That entire story is about an Indiana father and daughter. He's 54. She's 19. He had a bunch of underage people over the house that he was feeding liquor, the father. And then him and a bunch of girl, I guess a bunch of the underage teens saw him and his daughter. having sex with each other and then the daughter straight up just said uh she's obviously the victim here but uh literally according to the documents the 19 year old admitted to with her to quote doing stuff together

With her father. His last name is Pumphrey. Ew. Wow. Hey. God. Because guess what he is doing? Giving those pumps for free. We need them. Annabelle. Listen. Kill this family. Kill this family. Straight to Indiana. I know you're on the road. Man, you just picture her hitchhiking. Some fucking trucker picks her up. Like, where you going, little lady? Straight to Indiana. Straight to Indiana. in and I get to kill incestual father. Turns into Mike Tyson. North? Yep. I'm going to bring up a halo.

of misery upon his ass. I'm going to go down there. I'm going to eat his children. I'm going to fuck his father. If this Annabelle stuff proves to be true... All right? All right, let's just say. Like how? Like it's a demon. Like Annabelle's a demon. We get footage of Annabelle running around like Chucky with a knife. Azrael, yeah. That happens. And we get this. Do.

We reconsider the Warrens as legitimate. Yeah. I mean, unfortunately, I think that if there's a picture. If Annabelle turns into Azazel. and conquers the United States of America, I'd give the Warrens another look at. Yes, you're right. Yeah, sure. Yeah, if it's all real. If Annabelle... She creates real change in this country. I mean, it seems like she's actively trying. She is. God knows what Dan Rivera... I hope that Dan Rivera is just nice. I just want him to be nice.

Well, it doesn't matter what it is anymore. I didn't want Annabelle to have a reason, man. Yeah. Well, I mean, the nice guys are the easiest to kill. I guess so. He seems like he's the nicest. He's moving her. He was the one who moved her. I know. Into the travel case and back. No, I know. Big rubber gloves.

What are rubber gloves going to do against a haunted doll? Eddie, I don't know. What is that? That makes no sense to me. I think that the gloves are dipped in holy water. Unless you're wearing a full lead outfit or something. I legitimately think they just dipped the gloves. gloves and holy water and then their holy gloves and they can hold on to the doll it's so stupid yes yeah get a fucking fire just move her she's a doll she's too fucking honestly not anymore

Not anymore. That's for fucking certain. As far as I'm concerned, at this point, we need a burner. I mean, that is one of the only options. I think at this point... Annabelle needs to be stopped whenever we believe, whether she's politically, whether she's got good politics or she's politically neutral. I feel like we got to be careful. This is I think we're heading into we must do something about the Batman territory.

Like, it's getting to a point where, like, how far? Because, you know, we got the Brooklyn Devil. The Brooklyn Devil is a listener. He's a good superhero buddy. Oh, yeah. We should stick the devil on him. I mean, I'm afraid that he would not. I feel like this is a great supervillain for him. I don't think he deals with this sort of stuff. If he wants to be a real hero.

I mean, yeah, you deal with the fucking problems you got, man. If he could go and get Annabelle before she did. Because, again, right now we're liking the results of Annabelle's freedom. But we don't quite know where it's going to go. I'm not happy she killed Dan Rivera. Well, no, but it wasn't.

We're happy in terms of as people. Tony Sparrow, on the other hand. Tony Sparrow is super happy. I know. I mean, this is great for business for them. This is what I'm saying. We are talking about them on a weekly basis now. I think Tony Sparrow might have killed him. Yeah.

Wow. Interesting. That might be slander. It is slander. It's the second week in a row if you've said that. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. It might be slander. I would love for him to defend himself. I want someone to go in the Devil on the Run tour. Silence. is deafening. This is, you know, I always hate when people say like, oh, when they just randomly say they, you know, when someone breaks silence. Tony Sparrow has yet to say anything. Yeah.

And I want to know what he thinks. There's an official release from Nesper. What does it say? It says, with heavy hearts, we share the sudden and heartbreaking loss of our dear friend and colleague Dan Rivera. The New England Society of Psychic Reasures, Nesper, is devastated.

by his passing and is still coming to terms with the profound loss. Dan was not only a vital part of our team for over a decade, but also deeply compassionate, loyal, and dedicated friend. U.S. Army veteran. Oh, yeah. It's just like a normal... Yeah, he's a nice guy. Yeah, no.

He was great, it seems like. It just sounds like maybe they should have had a criminal watching Annabelle. That's not a bad idea. I feel like that's what they need next. Or put her in a prison. We need to get a guy from death row. Spring him. His one job is to watch Annabelle. And he makes it to the end of the tour. Oh, my God. What if Trump deports Annabelle? Oh, my God. I mean, to be honest, it's the only thing I'd agree with him on.

But they'd still have to find her. I think she's a naturalized citizen, though. I think she is a naturalized citizen. I'm pretty certain she was born here. Well, I don't know. She could have been made in China. I mean, if the demon, is the demon considered an illegal alien? Oh, well...

Demons from hell. So hell is not part of our jurisdiction. So is most of the administration. Put her in prison. Put her in prison. Lock her up. Breaking news. Golf courses might create Parkinson's. So enjoy that. Yeah. They should be parks. Yep, they should be. But now that's where you can...

You can go to a golf instead of worrying about having a park. It may cause Parkinson's, which means when you go to a golf park, you might slip inside of your son. I read that. It was a long walk. Yeah, it was, but I liked it. It was a long walk. So is golfing, by the way. No, I read that article about the Parkinson's golf. It's very flawed. Well, yeah, it's a lot. It's very flawed. I mean, first of all, people who live around golf courses are most likely at all...

Alzheimer's. Yeah, they're old. It's all retirement communities. Of course they're more likely to get Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's. Everyone gets mad the way I say Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The old. Timers. All timers. All right, here we go. Here's a story. We can do this story. I like stories. Westbury, New York.

Now, this was a man who got pulled into an MRI machine in New York after he walked into the room wearing a large weight training chain around his neck, and he died. Now, have you seen these weight training chains? Dude.

My father used to fucking... This is why my neck is fat? Oh, I thought it was because of... burritos and and don't help but um from a young age at 10 my father got this like weight lifting chain and he strapped it to my head and then he would like take the chain and he'd run it through like 35 pound 45 pound weights and then he'd make me like

lift them and drag them around everywhere just to make my neck strong so i didn't snap my neck when i played football that's actually a really good idea i think it's a really good idea but i don't think it helped me no I think it just ruined the rest of my life. Yeah, it didn't seem to really bring you the rest of your, didn't really help the rest of your football career.

MRI death is just like the Final Destination bloodlines. There's a whole thing in Final Destination bloodlines of an MRI machine killing somebody, which is really fun. This is one of my, I'd say it's intrusive thought. I didn't... At the risk of sounding stupid like I always do, I didn't know that there was magnets in MRI machines. Yes, I just don't know why the man thought it would be a good idea to wear his giant weight training. I wouldn't have known.

Why are you wearing it to the doctor's office? He walked into the room while it was going on. He wasn't supposed to walk into the room. No, of course not. Don't they have a sign up or something? No, but they were like, what are you doing? And then by the time he walked into the room, the machine was on and then it's... dragged him across the room, and then it pinned him to the machine and choked him to death. He died of a heart attack.

that's what he died of is that they had to shut off the machine and then he fell off of it and he died of a heart attack directly afterwards and it's like this is one of those I thought he like got sucked and his head came off I mean that would be awesome

But that's not what happened. That'd be a cooler story, sure. But no, that's not what happened. He just got choked by the chain and then he fell off of it and he died of a heart attack. I guess when I first read the story, I thought it was like a cool... chain. I thought it was like jewelry that he was wearing. And then I realized like, no, it's like a 30 pound weight.

Training chains. Yeah, he was just wearing chains around his neck. Like he was fucking the ghost of Marley. Marley, Marley, our hearts are painted black. Yeah, was he just trying to get penance for his sins? I think he was just showing that he still works out and he was tough. Yeah, just got released from Prometheus's rock. Yep, I stole fire from the gods and they were sort of punishing me by constantly removing my...

liver with seagulls over and over and over again, but that's why I figured out I've had a real knee problem. I decided to come in and get my appointment done. I just don't understand, like, I guess, well, in LA, the workout flex is legit. yeah right the workout of like obviously i've just come from working out but in westbury new york i think that working out publicly gets you called gay no they like it i don't know maybe

But regardless, this isn't the first New York death involving an MRI machine. Really? In 2001, a six-year-old...

was killed at the Westchester Medical Center when an oxygen tank flew into the chamber drawn by the MRI's 10-ton electromagnet. Whoa. Whoa. So we got... squished in there kid got kid got like i think that if he was blown up they would say it would blew it blew up no you know what that sounds like he was muddled to death yeah it's something like he was in the bottom of a mortar and pestle and he was turned into pesto by an

Oxygen tank. Oh, and then... Especially if the kid was Italian. And then they throw a little plug in for, whatchamacallit, for Final Destination, strong enough to fling a wheelchair across the room. Now, I really think, wow, both of these deaths... plugged final destination bloodlines in them um which i don't know is if a both i mean this both news articles mention final destination bloodlines now i don't know if that's the tie-in

that they were looking for. We talked to the producer. I don't think they care at all. No. I think they appreciate it. I honestly think... Every time a plane crashes, they're like, yeah, people are going to rent the first one. Yes. And they make so much hay out of, like, the millennials are afraid of the loose logs. on a truck because of Final Destinations. I think it's a healthy fear. But they keep working that in, but it's still like... It is just a, like, fear.

Yeah. It very rarely happens. Of course it rarely happens. But so do lots of things that I'm scared of. Like... sadly Malcolm Jamal Warner who just died randomly on vacation fucking riptides are terrifying that's really sad that whole story is really sad that's the whole thing of like that guy was just on vacation just trying to live a life he was the coolest motherfucker yes and you can die

very easily on vacation. And I feel like it's the one thing I want to always... We almost died on vacation. Yep. I want to always remind our listeners of when we were on a horrible...

That hike we took on the side of the fucking volcano. We were walking around the rim of a volcano and had to walk a plank through the broken part of the rim. It was fucking terrifying. It was the worst shit I've ever done in my life. I'd never do it again. I was literally contemplating just going in the fetal position and getting like a 70,000.

helicopter home. That's how scared I was. I was so scared. The only thing that made me go over that plank is knowing that I had to be able to have sex with my wife that weekend. And I knew that if I laid and gave up... It would not have been a sexy weekend. Yeah, no, I mean, I was ready to fucking not have sex. That's for damn sure. I know. They were both fucking wonderful. They couldn't care less. They couldn't care less that they were fucking dancing at 6,000 feet on a volcano.

nothing and I don't know how our ladies don't feel anything they're so sensitive otherwise yeah so when it comes to actual physical danger and then we realize that but just remember when you're on vacation just because you're on vacation doesn't mean you can do things

that you can't do when you're not on vacation. But I'm not saying that Malcolm Jamal Warner was doing that because he wasn't. He was just swimming. He got caught in a riptide. It's really fucked up. It's just important to remember, the ocean's dangerous. Of course it's dangerous, especially down where you don't belong.

There's no lifeguards. Don't worry. Bill Cosby said he always stuck by me. Shut up. We don't need it, Bill. Shut up, Bill. We don't need it. Go back to your hole. And he was just like. You know, I wish I could find my hole, but I'm a bit of a Mr. Magoo. I'm a beloved Mr. Magoo here to find my way through. But I'm a Helen Keller. Can't find my way through. No, you're sorry. Right from your grave.

Hello, I'm Dax Shepard. And I'm Monica Padman. And we love talking to people. Every Monday and Wednesday, we sit down with actors, authors, scientists, really anyone interesting, and have real honest conversations about life, success, failure, and everything in between.

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let's see i got some stories here i got there's a couple there's a so i got three stories i'm interested in i don't know if we have time for all of them let's see first i just think a dog the bounty hunter stepson accidentally kills his step grandson i mean it's just like too much

neck at once yeah there's a lot it's a lot going on there having a step-grandson and and have them murder each other is like a lot yeah it is a lot you know this guy i mean he's just trying to give this man some peace you see you here you have no he doesn't need peace i mean he's

He's made a life of no... All right. The McDonald's manager shoots teen's mom in dispute over trash. See, I thought... I'm glad that you covered that one because the other one I was going to cover is there's a McDonald's man, an employee who worked for the Sydney...

australia mcdonald's okay and he had down syndrome okay and he worked until he was 50. great and they gave him a retirement party that's nice yeah and in the very now what is he gonna do Well, apparently one of the big things McDonald's does is that if you retire there and if you work through their...

the employees with disabilities, like other special training programs, is that what they'll do is that they'll put you in a wheelchair and they'll cover you in gasoline and set you on fire. Oh! And that's just kind of a way... That's some McDonald's guarantee. Yeah, it's just a way... They flame broil you. Yeah.

Well, that's Burger King. Sorry. It was a whopper of a funeral. No, he's still alive. All right, so listen to this. This story's in Belleville, Illinois. A McDonald's manager tells his team... Teenage employee take out the trash. Yeah. You know, now with the Zoomers, they don't do anything. And that's what she said. She said, no, I ain't taking out the trash. Go fuck yourself. Well, and this is. Well, if you aren't going to take out the trash.

You're fired. That's your job. Go home. That's the one thing you do. This is McDonald's. Yes. Do you want to be on the fry later or not? Yeah, exactly. You gotta work your way up the fucking chain. You also have to take out trash. It's part of the job. Everybody's gotta take out trash. If the trash is filled, the manager delegates.

That's just how it is. I remember I fired someone because they couldn't take out the trash at Hooters. I told this kid, I'm like, can you take out the trash? He's like, where's it go? I said, in the dumpster. And he said, where's that? I said, get out of here. Where do dumpsters go? So this chick.

Won't take out the trash. Sure. She gets fired. She goes home. She tells her mom. This thing of everybody telling their mother stuff. I've never told my mother anything. I've never told her I ever got fired. Can you imagine telling your mother you got fired? If I told my mother ever that I'd gotten fired, she'd be like, what'd you do? She would never take my employer's side. Man, I was arrested, I don't know, a total of six times in my life. My mother never found out about any of them.

I went to jail and she didn't find out. Why the fuck would I tell my mother? What is she going to do besides make me feel worse? I consider it a great, like... how would he say like a triumph of my life that she never found out about all my arrests yeah I'm very proud of it um but the uh so this woman she's like you can't fire my daughter and he's like yeah I can she won't do her job and she's like well fuck you motherfucker

goes behind the counter starts punching the manager in the face know what the manager does Dicks had a gun and shoots her. See, I feel like there's a lot going on here. I don't know why the manager was armed at work. I mean, you're a big guy. They're not hiring the best. I know, but this is the thing. Like most stories.

This guy's trying so hard to not flip out. I bet he's in anger management classes. That lady's intense. Oh no, Kathy ain't to be fucked. Kathy ain't to be fucked with. Kathy Bledsoe fucking shot this. woman in the head. You got to be careful out there, guys. Don't fucking fight with these people. I want to question, like, don't fight McDonald's managers. They don't give a fuck. I'd love to know. I mean, the lady managers...

Apparently you're strapped. They're strapped. Side stories, LPOTL at gmail.com. Where does your employer keep the gun? Because I'd love to know if everybody's got a boss that has a gun floating around. I feel like that used to be way more. a thing when I was a younger man that you'd be like

I remember being, some job I had where the boss was just like, hey, look at this. And he showed the gun in the drawer. He's like, that's in case anybody wants to fuck with us. And it's just like, it's a video story. Like, why are we killing people? What amount of cash could they possibly get from this place? No, I mean, McDonald's.

I mean, you don't even use cash anymore. Yeah. I don't even know. It's all kiosks. It's all kiosks. There probably is no cash. I will use the kiosk if the kiosk is armed. That's what we need is armed kiosks. Fucking R2-D2 down there with a little shocker. Yeah. This chick was armed. I've got another story I like. This woman in Key West. You've never been to Key West, have you?

No, I've never been. I love Key West. Key West is wonderful. One thing you need to know about Key West before you go to Key West, it's covered in chickens. Yes. Chickens, roosters, everywhere. It would totally fuck with you because it didn't go well for you in Ybor. Well, you couldn't sleep. The roosters are going all day. night all day all night they don't stop roosters the morning thing is just like a myth they go all day and so but this place

Key West loves his chickens. It's chicken culture. They're everywhere. They're on all the signs and all this stuff. And so this woman, there's a chicken crossing the road, and this woman stops to let the chicken cross the road, and the person behind her starts like...

Honking and honking and honking and honking. And she's like, go, go, go. And she's like, no, I can't go. There's a fucking chicken crossing the road. Yeah, I'm in the middle of a joke. This woman swerves around, runs over the chicken. All right. Kills the chicken in front. So the woman who was waiting for the chicken to cross the road speeds and follows this woman through Key West, speeds up next to her, and then bear sprays her. Wow. To teach her a lesson for killing.

on the chicken. Yeah, I mean, I could see that. Yeah, okay, but you know, it's unfair. It's still, you know, it sucks that that person killed the chicken. I think if it's sold at stores, you don't get... bear sprayed for killing it. I think so too. I think it's... We know a lot of people. I know people that have chickens as pets and they like their chickens. I love chickens and I saved... I didn't save, but I...

there was a bunch of chickens and like chicks in the road in Key West. And I kind of like stood there to make sure no cars were coming until they crossed and stuff. That's cute. You know, like I was really worried about this. So I know why this happened, but. You can't kill the chicken. This woman was definitely wrong. Did she deserve to get bear sprayed?

I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Teach her a lesson. You know what it is. But you can't do it. You can't get caught. This is the problem. You got to have fake license plates if you're going to bear spray people for killing chickens. I would love to know how long.

They were waiting. Right. Because not long enough. Well, I've been in some scenarios. I'm talking about like people are so impatient when it comes to driving as they should be. Yeah. Because guess what you guys all do. I'm down with lollygag. Guess what? Some of us have places to be. We all got places to be. Middle of the week, I got places to be. Yeah, leave earlier and you'll get there on time. No, because I'm packed. I'm fully fucking packed. Everybody's got to drive better.

new thing in florida what they're straight up arresting you for speeding now If you go over 50 miles an hour over the speed limit, they're arresting you. This started a couple weeks ago. I'd like to see what hue you have to be to be arrested, but we will find that out. Some kid was just arrested. Yeah. I mean, they threatened. I went joyriding with a buddy in freshman year of college where we drove at like 110 miles per hour. Joyriding's when you steal the car.

and dump it. We're having fun. You didn't do that. No, we were just driving a car really, really, really, really fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the guy threatened to arrest us. But this kid was going 155 in a Challenger. I say lock his ass up. Yeah, I mean, he needs to learn a lesson for that because he's very lucky you didn't hurt somebody.

people you can really hurt somebody and if you don't know what you're doing you could very easily lose control of the car and hurt your hurt somebody and kill yourself i think speeding is one of the most selfish things a person could do see i love speeding i think it's great but i do but i know but i think well it's it's how you get

It's how you get places. It's how you get places. Yes. Do you want to get to a place or are we all enjoying the 405? Do we want to arrive at a place or are we all just like being in our cars? You have a need for speed. I do. I can't wait to drive you places. I won't do it. You're going to lose your mind. You're going to have to go to sleep. I'm going to grab the wheel. I literally go exactly the speed limit. No, I hate you. But this is the thing is that this guy.

How long were they waiting for the chick? Right. So if it's, I think. If we're hitting 10 minutes. I guarantee you this was a minute. I'm just saying. How long are we waiting for the chickens? I mean, if it goes over five minutes, you get out of your car and you shoot the chicken. I mean, you got to kick at the chickens and they can go. The chickens don't need to be treated. We don't have to kill the chickens, but they don't have to be treated gently either. I think you can.

literally go up to the chickens and kind of kick at the chicken until it gets off the street without killing it and everyone gets to move along. All I know is people got to be someplace. You can't be a chicken vigilante in Key West. I know that much. No. Also, again, that's the part of me. Then what I'm saying is, you know what? I'll change it only because this is Key West. And why are you in a Russian Key West?

This is, if this is happening. Take your time. If this is happening. There's nothing to do down there. In Studio City, I'm going to be like, let's hurry this the fuck along. These Los Angeles ass chickens should be at Howlin' Rays. Yeah. As far as I'm fucking concerned. Well, I mean, we're too big for chickens here.

We can't have chickens here. There are chickens, but they're in neighborhoods. We gotta eat them. Key West, I can understand why are we in such a rush. That I'll understand. This is what I'm just saying. To me, it's site-specific. Los Angeles. If you're not in a rush, get the fuck out of the city. Get the living fuck out of here. This is a hard working place. I'm not in a rush. Get the living fuck out of here. Alright, I'll leave. Get out of here!

It's Los Angeles, the fast city. We got to fucking move fast, all right? When I go to Atlanta, I understand. They drive 10 miles underneath the speed limit, and everyone has guns. So I don't honk my horn in Atlanta. I understand. People got guns here. Don't honk your horn here. Oh, I honk my fucking horn. I'll die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Seems like it. Be careful. You fuck with me. You fuck the best. You come for the king. You better stop this. All right, we got to get you a gun.

I got to fucking... Don't worry, I have a little water pistol. Speaking of my love of animals, man, can I shout out someone real quick? Yeah. Paul Watson. Congrats, buddy. Interpol takes... him off their most wanted list. What'd he do? He is the former founder and head of Sea Shepherd Conservation Society. They're one of the few organizations I donate to at the end of the year for a while.

now i love this place basically what sea shepherd does if you don't know is they go find whalers out in open waters and then they like try to like fuck with the whalers. Oh, cool. They got like these like fire hoses that like dip into the ocean and suck up ocean water and they just spray people whaling. They fucking, they always like cut up trolling nets and shit like that. Cool. And so Japan fucking.

hit up interpol and they're like this guy threw bombs at one of our boats they literally were like throwing explosives like at the boat while they were trying to go whaling and shit and like they're fucking stopping people from murdering pilot whales they try to stop someone just killed

a bunch of pilot whales, and they were a little too late, but they got all the footage of the aftermath. Those pilot whales, they weren't from Saudi Arabia, right? Were they coming over here? Whales are everywhere. They don't have a nation. Did they get trained in Tampa? No. But so this guy actually, for the Japan incident back in like 2007, he actually spent, Paul spent some time in a Greenland prison last year for a couple months. But now, I think in Greenland.

Like, it's like a prison. They're prison there. I imagine it's like one of those where you like stay in a house. I imagine it's fine. Yeah. I imagine he's just, he got the rest for a little while. But...

He's off the Interpol list. France said, fuck it. We're not interested anymore. But Japan still putting out a warrant for his arrest across the world. They say we want him for trying to fuck with their whaling ships because Japan... will not stop wailing well it's because they have there's a cultural thing and i also believe they do it in a way like specifically they claim it's science but it's not yes and they literally just love it

It's a part of their life. It's a part of their life. And I feel like it was sustainable. I mean, you know, it's a thing. Humans are still technically more important than animals. No. You know, that's what I believe. I think someone who kills a bunch of animals will sort of get shot in the head, too. I agree, but it's still one of those. I don't know. Chicken lady? I think that's proper punishment. No, I get it. I don't like it, Eddie. I'm just saying. If someone kills 64 pilot whales.

I hope that Paul Watson kills him. That's why I'm paying him money every year. What is this? So they like, don't they have like, isn't the whale like a thing like they raise the whales they kill or whatever? No, they find them out in the ocean. But aren't they like little whales? Commercial whaling's big over there. Yes. Has been for a long time. Iceland stopped.

Iceland stopped. Yeah, Iceland stopped. We stopped. Russia's still doing it. I mean, well, yeah, they do everything bad. But these guys, I guess it's one of those where on one hand, I do utterly agree with you. But on the other hand, it's hard when it's something that's baked in. to a culture or society. So they have to figure out how to change their society from within. We changed them once before. Oh God, Eddie.

That's not how it works. Very aggressive today. I'm calling a lot of death. I'm calling for a lot of death today. They're like doubling down. They have the mothership. Oh, yeah. No, they don't like whales over there. I think they use them for what? They do nothing. They kill them. They just kill them. There's no use for them. You can't eat them. You can't do nothing. So what do they kill them for? Literally because they like doing it. But I think they got to have like a thing. It's not the 19...

20s. You don't need fucking kerosene from a whale's brain anymore. I kind of want to see a jar of it. Why does Japan kill the whales? Thanks, Google. I don't know. Cultural divisions, historical context. and a belief in the sustainability of the act. Do you know when they got caught killing all the dolphins, they were...

Taking the dolphin meat and serving it to the kids and all the kids got fucking big old heads and got autistic and shit. What? Yeah. Japan's fucked up because all the mercury in these animals. We can't eat them. I don't know, man. You ever see the Cove? Yeah, I laughed a lot.

whale hunters understandably older people who actively support yeah yeah yeah we don't know why they why they killing all those whales they've been doing because they've just been doing they just like it for some reason hey man i i hey i'm not even fighting for them I don't know. Yeah. I just, one of those where, I just, me, I think if we get caught in a net, you got to get out of it. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean?

All I know is I hope this guy finds some whalers and they make some sea shepherd's pie with him. I think you're correct, and I do think that whales need to arm themselves. They can't. They have flippers. I swear they got to figure that out. They need some kind of blade gloves. That's what they need. Oh, man. Look at this. Look at what happened.

These fuckers, they're just killing pilot whales. No, he's bad, Eddie. It's bad. Look at this fucking cove of blood. I don't like it, buddy. Look at it. I don't know. There's no reason for this. I guess not. They didn't even take the bodies. I have no idea.

At least like hunters in Africa taking taxidermy the animals, they just leave them to sit and rot. This just said Ed Larson loves the poachers in Africa. No. I just think that they're better than the people killing whales in Japan. I mean, you know, it's just...

everybody's got questions. A total of 116 pilot whales were driven onto a beach and killed. I don't like it. 15 pregnant females. Why weren't they in their planes? So 131 individuals. I just didn't understand what they're all doing on land and not in the sky.

Killed by the Japanese. Well, them and my grandfather. Yep. All right. Let's look at some. Listener emails. Donate to Sea Shepherd if you can. Now we have a new stinger for listener emails. I can't wait. to hear what these pieces of shit have to say. That was awesome. Do we even have to do any more? Who did that one? Good for this week. That was from Dakota Rolfe. I'm just saying, I don't even want a different stinger ever. I hope I don't hear the other ones. It was awesome.

Oh, I want to ask a neat question. Is it illegal for me to just enter into a grocery store in a ghillie suit? Sidestoreslpotl at gmail.com. I think you can do whatever you want in a ghillie suit as long as not kill the person. I don't know if people get all nervous or whatever. Of course they get nervous. That's not illegal, though. Yeah, making someone nervous isn't illegal. If you have, like, an assault rifle with you or, like, a bow and arrow. Sounds fun.

All right, so let's read this first one. This is just, this one's going to be, I mean, Ed's been angry today, but this is going to make him extra angry. Oh, Jesus. Come on. Leave me alone already. Dan Marino is a jerk. No, what? No. Growing up in South Florida. Shut up. And working in service and retail.

I ran into my fair share of athletes over the years. Most were pleasant and nice. I'd say LeBron was the most larger than life when he came into the Whole Foods I worked at and he took time to talk to all of the kids who ran up to him excitedly. He needs Whole Foods. He's so big, he can't have part food. Can't have half food. One interaction I had, though, is burned into my mind. I was 18.

Working at Blockbuster. Best job I've ever had. Yes. It was fairly busy. May have been a Thursday night, which is always one of the busiest nights at a video store back in the day. I was on a register and a line. About five to seven people. Okay. I didn't see him come in, but as I finished checking out a guest, I see Dan Marino walking straight at me.

Must have been like a ray of light on him. He's got that big Dan Marino smile on his face. Yeah. He puts his movies down and he asks how I'm doing. I just kind of froze. Like, here's this guy I've seen my whole life on TV, and I grew up when he was QB for the Dolphins, so he was a big deal. And he's just cutting the line. Yeah.

I look back at the line. He's getting his movies. I look back at the line. I see everybody was looking at him like, wow, it's Dan Marino. Yeah. But they weren't. They were more like going, what the fuck? Why are you cutting us in line? Don't fucking.

Put your thoughts in their heads. You don't know what they were thinking. I look at him and I say, I'm sorry, sir. There's a line. He smiled. He kind of cocked his head a little to look at me like, don't you recognize me? Yeah. Then he said something like, it's fine. I won't take long. which cued the line to start grumbling.

My manager peeked his head out of his office. Oh, my God, that's Dan Marino. I can't believe it. I love this man. I can't believe this piece of shit's fucking keeping me from getting showgirls. I want to masturbate in front of my family. Oh, come on, guys, another guest said. You're not special.

Another one on the guest line said, he just cut all of us. Yeah. Dan looked pretty indignant. And he turned to them. He was like, come on, guys. My favorite someone yelled from the back, where's your ring? At that point, Dan was not smiling. Yeah. My manager just wanted to diffuse the situation, told him to come around the side and checked him out himself. Okay. After that, every guest that he cuts, it's something to the tune of...

Who does that guy think he is? He thinks he's Dan Marino. I never saw Dan Marino checking out movies again at my location. Of course not! Why would he go back? You treated him like shit! He was definitely the closest to his house. Alright. This is insane. He cuts line. Of course he does. Dan Marino, the way this works, and I'm going to say this now for all the other celebrities that listen to our show that will learn from this, is that you can't just walk to the head of the line. You have to...

act obtuse what is he gonna be a fucking prop for everybody yes is he there to sign autographs all day that's what celebrities checking out a movie but the thing is is that what happens is so now you're at the blockbuster right near your home what i would have done if i was damn

Marinos, first of all. We don't know. This could be at a hospital. He's going to see a Make-A-Wish kid, and the kid wants to see NFL Rocks. Master Blasters for the fucking 10th time. Number one thing I would have done as Dan Marinos, I would have won a Super Bowl.

He couldn't. He tried. He tried very hard. He couldn't do it. The second thing I would have done. That's the Robbie family problem. That's Shula's fault. Not Marino. They never gave him a proper running back. Shame shifting around. Blame.

getting thrown back and forth. So, but what I would say is if it was Dan Marino, I'd stand and very obviously be Dan Marino. He's got a bad ankle. He can't be standing there all the goddamn time. I would stand there until someone recognized me because that's what would happen, right? I'm sure it was recognized.

when he came out of his car. As soon as the air hit his face, people were just like, Dan Marino, oh my God, birds recognize him. Eddie, all one has to do is to pretend to be humble. If he just pretended to be humble. How the fuck is Dan Marino supposed to be?

to be humble. Remember that he didn't win the Super Bowl. Who cares? He's the greatest of all time. It doesn't matter if you don't get the ring. Nothing matters. You don't make it those lessons unless you win the ring. Nah, you got the records, baby. But you do this. I'm just giving it a lesson.

Fake humility. Have someone go, oh, my God, Dan Marino. He's like, yeah. And just like, you shouldn't be standing in line. Someone's going to skip you ahead. They're going to skip you ahead. But you have to. It's like Dan Marino.

He has to do, we all have to reach for our wallets. If we're at the dinner for Dan Marino, the only thing you have to do, you know Dan Marino is going to pay, but everybody, that social contract is, you have to reach for your wallet and go, well, you know, look at the bill. Until someone says, I got this. That's how it works. It's the same way for stuff like this. Any perk is that you're going to get the perk. You just have to allow that.

By taking the perk. No, the manager came and managed the fucking blockbuster like he was supposed to. But Dan Marino decided instead of the, because he's a field general, but he's not the blockbuster general. And so he comes in there and you can't just skip to the top of the line. People have to celebrate you and want you to come to the top of the line. This is why Blockbuster closed down. Yes.

Because they don't know how to treat celebrities. They don't know how to treat fucking icons. It's inconsistent. I learned this a long time ago. If you want cool people to come to your establishment, you got to treat them a little better. But look what happened. Chris Brown shot that guy.

Chris Brown? What are you talking about, Chris Brown? He led him into a club and he shot himself and shot some man. Dan Marino never did that. He would have if he could. No, other dolphins did. Yes. We're very much worse.

Much, much worse. Well, I think this kid deserved to get fired from the blockbuster radio he worked at. You're not a proper Miami and you're probably a fucking Patriot fan or a Bills fan or something. Go fuck yourself. All I know is that Dan Marino is an asshole. He's a nice guy. He's a great man. I can't...

wait to see him anywhere. Just type in the words Dan Marino is an asshole and see what comes up on the internet. Of course people think he's an asshole. Is Dan Marino nice? Whether Dan Marino is nice is subjective and depends on individual perspectives. That's right. That's what Google AI says. Some people may perceive him as arrogant or loose. All right, fuck you, man. Google AI. Fuck you, dude. Google AI don't know shit about Dan Marino. He has, according to this Google search that I just had.

rob do some people have criticized marino for being arrogant why would he not be arrogant he's beautiful he's got the best arm in the world who cares he's got a ring he's married technically Yeah, anybody can do that. Eli Madden. It's sad. Eli Manning. He's even got more. He's got more. He won him by accident. He really did. He had happy feet. He didn't know what he was doing. He's the least talented man to ever make so much money and have so much money.

much success. He's pretty talented. Eli Manning is not as good as his brother, and he's technically, on paper, a better quarterback than his brother. No, he's not. On paper, stats-wise. No, he's not. He won the ring. So did his brother. His brother got two. But Peyton Manning had a try harder. Yeah. Peyton Manning gave his cane. You have no point. You are. I'm never talking sports with you again.

Sports stories. This is fun. I like sports. Dan Marino's a fucking hero. I'm glad Buck Buster's closed. I hope you're unemployed to this day. Whoever you are.

fucking listener oh god um here's one more little story treat my people right here's one more story i bet that guy doesn't even like alligators probably not I got a lot of people reaching out. First of all, the shirts are coming. Yeah. You guys want to hear some people's shirt sizes? No, I don't want to do it. Don't do it. You want to read out everybody's addresses that we just received?

Logan Beard. Come on, Logan Beard. You want to see it? Come on. We're telling every people we're doxing your body. But a lot of people said that when we talked about the screw worms last week that they had to shut the show off and they almost vomited, which is great. It's fucking disgusting. I love it. It's awesome.

But I got a great worm story. All right. Another nurse story. I thought I'd share a worm story that I think you'd love hate. Thank you. As an ICU nurse, I got a patient who was under observation for new seizures without any medical history. You don't see me. You see worms. Yeah. He was at that age, well traveled, convinced nothing was wrong with him.

I took him for an MRI and what showed up on the screen made everyone gasp in fear and pity. Golf balls. How about that? How about that line? Having an entire nurse staff gasp in fear and pity. That's what I want. the hospital and everyone's like oh god oh that's terrible so bad golf ball sized tumor in his frontal lobe or at least what they thought was a tumor i like the word lobe yep

Lisa Loeb, my favorite Loeb. I worked the night shift so we couldn't get a definitive diagnosis yet, and I was so grateful I wouldn't have to be the one to tell this man that he had cancer. I came back the next day and asked the day nurse how he took the news. Worms, she says. Well, this well-traveled man loved his raw lamb, and so did the worms. He was walking around with a golf ball-sized bundle of worms in his brain.

Whoa. Now we know that that actually qualifies him to be the Secretary of Health and Human Services because Robert F. Kennedy Jr. also famously... Is that how he got worms in his brain from eating raw meat? Just being a big unpasteurized milk and shit? Yeah, he's just a total animal. But there's going to be sugar in Coca-Cola. You know, it's rough.

You've got to be careful. If you hear things squirreling around your brain, man, just go to the doctor. That's my thing. And I think that brain worms... Or bad. I think it's a negative column in your life. I'd put that in the negative column. Man, I know I've told a lot of stories today, but my mother worked at a place where they had like a whirlpool, you know, for people. And this person came in with a job.

foot you know like one big foot and one bag foot and then there was a band-aid on the foot and then they put him in the whirlpool and they took and the band-aid came off and then a bunch of bugs just came out of the foot and he's like that's my family and it turns out he was Mr. Oogie from Nightmare Before Christmas. That's 1970s Elizabeth, New Jersey for you. Watch them toes. Wow, what an incredible day to live knowing that the movie Eddington is out.

You're going to love that movie. It's going to make you really, really upset, and you're going to laugh at the fact that Ari Aster turned down an interview with us. He listened to our other interviews, and I think that he wasn't ready. I think he's very serious.

He's very, very serious and then is absolutely fine. It is fun because we were just going to yell at him and ask him what's wrong with him. Yeah, why are you insane? Why are you so frightening? So he probably made the right choice. Oh, sure. But Evington, I will say, we got to see. I'll bust it right now.

We got to see an early screening of Eddington, one of the coolest days of our lives because we got to go to like a little private screening room and see it. It was awesome. Thank you, A24. Thank you. We love it. We love it. And go see Eddington. It's unbelievable. I want to say it's my number.

two movie of his i think a lot of people are really upset by it marcus was one i loved marcus was so upset people see this movie and marcus like was what i love too about marcus not only did he got upset about it but then he does the thing which i love where he's like It's a bad movie because it made him upset. And I was just like, no, it just made you really fucking upset. People are always like that. Like when they're like, oh, you got me so mad. It's like, yeah.

Maybe it's good because you're still thinking and talking about it. He won you over. Ari Aster. does a i mean it truly it takes you right back to the worst part of my one of the worst parts of my life yes uh summer of 2020 much like everybody else and it is

No one's going to be happy. No, it is the most upsetting. It was one of the most upsetting films I've ever seen. That's what I love about it. Everybody gets it. Not a single person from COVID doesn't get it. That is what I liked about it is because they... He took every argument of COVID and then made it.

Made that person look like an idiot. No matter where you stood on anything. And made a really good action western. It was an unbelievable film. Great movie. Go check it out. And we have no reason to even plug it. No.

I just want you to go see it because it's so upsetting and I want you to have that. Did you like it more than Superman? You know, they are literally the... polar opposites except for pedro movies oh no pedro's not a superman isn't fantastic yeah it's the polar opposite movies i would say that superman actually made me want to see comic book movies again whoa that's the closest i've ever gotten to actually giving

a shit about a superhero but i felt the same way to be honest i'm just afraid because everyone's gonna yell at me because i felt the same way after watching that as i watched the last jedi when i watched last jedi was great but that was a movie but everybody hated it because they don't because people don't like change and i was like watching a movie and i was like it sounds like they finally made a movie they finally just like made a movie it's a

actual superman movie it's not i don't feel like i'm being dragged through a field of ip i don't feel like i'm being forced to watch all of this other goddamn horse shit i could watch the movie i don't have to go and watch your piece of shit television show in order to

understand what's happening in the movie i hate that shit that drives me crazy don't fucking don't tie me up with all this fucking garbage you know they really dummy proof it so you don't have to watch everything they but their problem is is that because they dummy proof it the section that are dummy proofed make me feel like an idiot like they make me feel like an idiot watching it like when you do this thing where you're like you're mad yeah

Yeah, now you know how I feel. I don't like movies. I don't like superhero movies that make me have to go buy all their dumb shit. I like just like, let me go see a movie, which is what James Gunn is doing. And he's the only person who should be making these big budget movies anymore because it seems like he actually cares.

about the people that are going to go watch them. And Ryan Coogler. I mean, it's just more the guys that are making these ridiculous superhero movies that are just... I like about half of them, I'd say. Yeah, I mean, I understand that they're like...

painless and they're you can kind of just watch them like they're great for hospice they're great for airplanes and stuff like that it's just one of those where like i want to see a movie and that's what was nice superman kind of felt like oh wow we're doing movies again

Yeah, it was a return to form. I love it a lot. But go see Eddington. They need your love more than Superman. Superman's going to be in the theater for like two months. Superman's fine. Go see Eddington. Yeah, go see Eddington. Ari Aster needs support. He deserves it.

And God, I can't wait to see how upset it makes you. That is the thing. I just I want to go see Eddington and like not even watch the screen. Just watch the audience. Yeah, because I want to bring like a folding chair and sit where the screen is. everybody. It was awesome. It was the four of us. It was Rob, Marcus, Ed, and I in an 824 screening room. They had about five other people in there. We were the only one. Eddie and I were cackling.

Yeah, I was laughing my fucking ass off. I find Ari Aster to be hilarious. I think he's making the best comedies of the last decade. And legitimately, Bo is Afraid and Eddington have more laughs in it than the comedies of it.

I have seen in the last five years. So Eddington's funny. Like legit funny. It's just going to make you upset. It's going to make you very mad. Go to patreon.com slash last podcast on the left. Give us some money. You know what? Just flap about things that'll make you upset.

Because that's what we're good at. And go to all the socials. LP on the left for all that horse shit. And all of our YouTubes. Go to at LPN TV. That's our new YouTube channel. Someplace underneath. LPN Romanticy. The Foreign Report. Go check it out. Because that's what we're... pudding.

Or stuff. And we have a lot of stuff. Go to lastpodcastontheleft.com to buy tickets for our live shows. That's right. Side Stories is on the road. We're going to be in Kansas City, Missouri, September 21st. Redway, California. community center on october 24th um on the crime wave at c um november 3rd through 7th that's crime wave at c.com slash left and

November 30th, Columbus, Ohio, Newport Music Hall. Henry and I spreading around the yucks. And of course, we're going to be in Asheville in a couple weeks, but that's sold out. You can't come to that if you don't have tickets already. No, we cannot wait to come and entertain you.

I love you guys. I'm mad that I'm not going to get in town to eat some 12 bones. So if anybody wants to bring some to the show for me, I'd really appreciate that. What's 12 bones? It's the best barbecue in the world. And they sell out at like noon every fucking day in Asheville. That's always the hardest. Obama's joint. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Yeah, you know, he's so busy. He loves bones. It's got to be so hard for him just sitting there on that smoker all day. He must get so hot, especially with those long-sleeved shirts. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's because of all the tattoos. Yeah, because you know what the thing about Barack Obama is that I'm really glad he's focusing on things like...

like making movies at Netflix and food instead of doing anything. It's why he likes it so much. Is this the only barbecue that brings your barbecue to your table by drone? Funny. Thank you. Fuck him. Whoa. Yep. Whoa. Somebody out there knows something that chill you to your bones. People do not worry about evil lurking around the corner. Behind the crimes, the motives, the victims. My responsibility to get justice for the family. Uncovered.

the truth. Raise your right hand. The journey to justice begins here. A&E Crime and Investigation. Discover more on the A&E app. Possibility means you have a chance. Passion opens the door to all possibilities. When I feel like anything's possible, I feel kind of giddy. I want to be an astronaut. An artist. An actress. To visit another country.

All I need is a backpack and a pair of shoes and I'll find a way. That I'm able to do anything I set my mind to. I've never felt like more things are possible than right now. In the right shoes, anything's possible. DSW. Countless shoes at brag-worthy prices. Imagine the possibilities.