Relaxed Fit: Christmas Roundup - My Favorite Things

Struggling to fall asleep? Meet the Ergo ProSmart Base from Tempur-Pedic. Its gentle massage and relaxing sounds help calm your mind every night. During the Tempur-Pedic New Year event, save up to $500 on select adjustable mattress sets. Shop now at Tempur-Pedic.com. Select adjustable metro sets only. Lesser savings may apply. There's no place to escape to. This is the last. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started.

Mrs. Claus, she's got them swingers. I just wish she'd show them more. Oh, how we love you, Mrs. When you got them outside. That's how it's not. A bore we love when Mrs. Claus is naked. Everybody loves it. Throw those bras out in the trash. Mrs. Claus naked. Every come running. What a crazy one.

Welcome to the last podcast on the left, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Marcus Parks. I'm here with the polka king of Los Angeles, Henry Zabrowski. We were talking about this right before we started. Dirty Pokas are going to come back. They are. That's the only thing. Well, they can't do anything else but come back. They can remain in obscurity. Yes. And, of course, we have the man with the best sweaters in America, Ed Larson. That's a preview of what you're going to be doing today.

You're very much wearing, like, an outfit that is exactly between the scarecrow and the cowardly lion. Oh, thank you! Thank you very much. I bought this for $30 in the middle of summer and I was so excited to finally put it on my body. I would say that like what that is...

That's pagan Christmas right there. You look like pagan Santa Claus. Hell yeah, man. I got matching pants. He does. He does. He looks like a man made out of weed nuggets. This is amazing. Check out this thing. Oh, yeah. Oh, the hood's big enough to go over the... headphones. Wow. Yeah. You truly look like Father Weedmas. Hell yeah, man. Fucking what day is it again? Oh, fuck. It's the 26th. It's going too fast, man. Are those Mrs. Claus?

Everybody wants it. You gotta listen to the crowd. Well, we're continuing our... Christmas month. This is actually the first time that we've ever gone the entire month with Christmas themes throughout. And I'm opening myself more to holiday expression. You should. It's fun. I'm trying. Yeah. And it's really. father's dead you can enjoy it yeah kind of feels like that but you know i feel really good and this is the first time like even i have taken a not so cynical direction

at a Christmas tale today. That's great. That's fantastic. Yeah, you're not going for anything like, oh, let's talk about how butts were... Usually Christmas things. Try to improv. See how hard it is. See how fucking difficult my job is. Think of everything that butts do. I remember when butts were just asses. See how fucking hard my job is. Well, we're trying. We're all trying here. Here, what we're doing for the end of the Christmas season. This is a little idea that we had called

Our favorite things. Oh, that's very nice. So what we're going to do on this episode is each of us is going to take a couple of, one, maybe two stories. I got two stories that I brought in. I got one meaty motherfucker. Yeah, and Henry has one. one as well. I have a tail as well. But I chose... You gotta get that removed, by the way. It's swinging! He just said it's vestigial and it's keeping my pants up.

Well, for my favorite things, I chose two. Music and historical context. Yay! My two favorite things. So I got two stories concerning the historical context of two well-known Christmas songs. One story about how a song was used in a massive historical event, and one about the historical context behind the song itself. And so let's start.

at the same place we start every Christmas in my household, the fall of Saigon. Yeah! Hell yeah! That's when everyone formed that Christmas tree up to the last helicopter leaving. The United States had withdrawn its military forces in defeat from South Vietnam two years before the fall of Saigon. But they still had a presence in-country in the form of bureaucratic officials and intelligence officers, mostly based in the American...

in the South Vietnamese capital of Saigon. God damn. Saigon. This makes me want to punch a mirror while I'm naked. This is the end.

My only friend. The end. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Yeah! Come on! Yeah! Fuck! Yeah! Come on! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Yeah! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck

Since the might of the American military itself was gone. by 1975, the North Vietnamese forces were in the process of taking city after city in South Vietnam as a result of the 1975 Spring Offensive, which was rapidly bringing this war to an end. Now, the arrival of North Vietnamese forces had resulted in widespread panic in every southern city they took because South Vietnamese cities were...

full of people who had collaborated with the Americans during the war and had also done some pretty bad shit all on their own. Does leftover salmon hit the other cities? That's all I can think about. You should have seen what the string cheese incident it was doing in Cambodia. I don't want to know about their war crimes. That's how they got their name. That one time.

Well, as a result, the invasion of each city created thousands of refugees who were trying to flee retribution at the hands of the North Vietnamese. And there was no city in Vietnam that had more collaborators than Saigon. After the fall of South Vietnam's second largest city, Da Nang, some American authorities in Saigon figured it would be a good idea maybe start planning evacuations.

Planning, however, was half-hearted at best, because just like it had been from the very beginning of America's involvement in the conflict, the American officials in charge in Saigon at the end still had an unrealistic view of what was happening. in the country. They thought maybe we'll pull it out. Maybe things will be okay. Even I know now, definitely. We didn't. No. It wasn't okay at any point, I don't think. No, man. It was never going well. Except for... Fuck it.

Jimi Hendrix. He was doing great. See, even though the United States had pulled out our troops, we were still telling the South Vietnamese president that we supported them. wholeheartedly. Our ambassador, Graham Martin, who's going to play a massive role in all this, was continually promising that we would eventually resume bombing in the North. Don't worry, the B-52s are coming back. They gotta come back, man. They just...

printed rock lobster. He was also making assurances that America would never abandon South Vietnam. In reality, though, despite Ambassador Martin's optimism, America had already very much abandoned South Vietnam and everything but name only by April of 1975. Kissinger your ass goodbye. Yeah.

The troops were gone, military aid had been cut off by Congress, and efforts to clean up the incredibly corrupt South Vietnamese government had collapsed. In fact, America's policy at this point was essentially vague hope. Secretary of State Henry Kissinger thought that maybe the South could simply hold off the North Vietnamese without the American military long enough to produce a stalemate, which would maybe lead to peace between the North and the South.

Now, unfortunately for the collaborators in South Vietnam, their president, Nguyen Van Thieu, was... far too trusting of Ambassador Martin's unrealistically optimistic promises. As such, President Tew was clinging to the hope that America was going to somehow save them all right at the end, despite... God damn it. Damn. Eat alarm. Gotta eat. The rest of us just know when to eat. I have to have alarms.

No, it's good. Honestly, it's good for him because he does need we're trying to get him more protein We're keeping this to the show so he remembers to eat from now on because he's got to eat. It's the ADD. It's something that's very common. People forget to eat. You just don't think about it. Should we stop? No. Okay. Don't forget. I'll eat later.

With such, President Tew was clinging to the hope that America was going to somehow save them all right at the end, despite all evidence to the contrary. Eventually, though, even the most optimistic of officials had to admit that the North Vietnamese were going to take Saigon and soon. So U.S. agencies were ordered to make lists of Vietnamese collaborators who would be killed or worse if they were not evacuated. Where were they going to take it? A lot of Vietnamese ended up in Minnesota.

Yeah, that's why they have truly some of the best Vietnamese food in the entire world. Same thing with Wisconsin. Yeah, and also Houston has the largest Vietnamese population in America. I've heard that. I've heard that. There was a bunch of Florida, too. Houston's the most diverse city in the entire country.

Except for Queens. Except for Queens. Well, Ambassador Martin, however... never finalized those lists because he, like so many other Americans involved in this conflict, could not accept that Vietnam was going to be a total and complete defeat. Instead, Ambassador Martin clung to the delusion that a ceasefire through diplomatic negotiation was still possible, because if South Vietnamese continued to exist, then maybe this wasn't all for nothing. Maybe all these Americans didn't die for...

Nothing? Jimi Hendrix? You see, we did great soundtracks. Yeah. In a way. Yeah. We got Apocalypse Now about it. Yeah, it's my second favorite movie. See? By mid-April, however.

A CIA agent in Vietnam, Frank Snepp, received word confirming the diplomatic negotiation was never going to happen. The North Vietnamese were going to take Saigon by any means necessary. But again, this agent's report was disregarded at the embassy and sent to Washington, D.C. as a low-priority communication. So Agent Snepp convinced two congressional staffers in Saigon to fly back to D.C. so they could convince their senator

to tell President Gerald Ford in person, Vietnam's fucked. We need to do something. And once this was done... And he went like, this is my Gerald Ford. Well, I don't know what to do. My beer glass is empty. I get big head. President Gerald Ford died today. We have Gerald Ford died today. Who are the Redskins named after? That's from Dana Carvey's show, right? It was Saturday Night Live. He was torn apart by a pack of dolls. You're the one that wants to take a vacation.

Ancient jokes. Ancient jokes. It's for our generation. They know. It's dog whistles. Once this was done. Ford could get Ambassador Martin's ass in gear to evacuate as many people as possible before the North Vietnamese took Saigon. But it was far too late. On April 28th, 1975, the American embassy finally listened to the State Department after having been given no other choice. The evacuation plan was named Operation Frequent Wind, which is, in my opinion...

Far too humorous of a name for something so serious. Oh, very much so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Farty McJohnson. Operation Farty McFart. Yeah, it's a bit unserious. Operation Too Many Farts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a lot. There's eggs in it.

my pants operation. It's like, well, sir, now we're just hating facts. We're no longer even naming operations. Mmm, so tasty. You've got yolk on your shoes. The operation frequent wind distributed a... 15-page booklet to Vietnamese collaborators that included locations for people to assemble for helicopter evacuation along with the code that would be broadcast by Armed Forces Radio that would signal evacuation. a fart and a shark. Know your enemy. The code was

The temperature in Saigon is 105 degrees and rising. After that, the DJ on Armed Forces Radio would play the signaling song, which was White Christmas. That's the song that got everybody to leave Vietnam? Yep. Yep, the reason why the DJ chose White Christmas was because he wanted a song that every American would recognize immediately, and playing a Christmas song in April would let everyone know that something was out of the ordinary.

I need to pay attention right now. Why are they playing White Christmas in April? That's fascinating. And indeed, Frank Snepp of the CIA later said that when the evacuation finally happened and the helicopters began flying into the U.S. Embassy, the strings of White Christmas playing on the loudspeakers in the midst of it all gave the entire affair a... kafka-esque vibe oh i can't even imagine that idea of how surreal that me we're in the

As you're just watching the helicopters pull up out of Saigon. Everyone's fighting. They get out of the helicopter. Did they play it over and over again? Yeah.

Oh, that's terrible. You could have played other Christmas songs. That's Bing Crosby, right? Yeah, that is Bing Crosby. However, the DJ did not have the Bing Crosby version. on hand, so he used the Tennessee Ernie Ford version. Tennessee Ernie Ford, of course, best known for singing, you got 16 tons. What do you do? Another day older and deeper in debt. Yeah, so on and so forth. Yeah, yeah. Now, White Christmas itself...

actually has a dark history all its own. Definitely. Of course it does. It's a sad, to me, obviously, a must-have one. Well, the reason why it is a sad song is because it was written and composed by Irving Berlin for Bing Crosby to sing in the movie Hollywood. But the song was actually about the death of Berlin's three-week-old son on Christmas Day back in 1928.

Irving Berlin, tough time. I mean, there's more reasons to hate Christmas than just being Jewish. It's also kind of funny in a way that he transmitted his pain into a Christmas song instead of like... Like, would you know my name?

If I saw you on Christmas. You know what I mean? It's kind of nice that he did that. He gave it to Christmas. Yeah, he did give it to Christmas. And we have this wonderful, beautiful song. But that is why it's such a melancholy tune, especially when you compare... to Irving Berlin's other songs like...

Putting on the Ritz. God bless America. And there's no business like show business. No business like no business I know. That is also a dark song because it's about sucking dick for money. That's what that is. It's about. a 50 year old producer is telling you, oh, can you do a Chinese accent? Oh, and can you blow me? That was different. It was easier. Show business was easier. Now, Ambassador Martin.

had waited far too long to order the evacuation of Saigon, because by the time he pulled the trigger on White Christmas, the North Vietnamese already had the city surrounded. The only way out of the city was therefore by helicopter, and the most visible place where...

helicopter evacuations were taking place was the roof of the American embassy. We've all seen the pictures. Very famous pictures. Yeah. And so when White Christmas began playing, Vietnamese collaborators began gathering outside of the walls of the embassy. and while the mood began as calm, the crowd was getting larger and far more anxious by late afternoon.

Before long, 10,000 Vietnamese had gathered, all hoping to get a spot on one of the last choppers out of Saigon. Yeah, and they're just like pushing on the gates and shit like that. Oh, yeah. Billy Joel, he wasn't there, right? How do you write that song, man? Which song? Pushing on the gates of the embassy at Saigon? He wrote a whole song about leaving Saigon. Yeah, he loved leaving Saigon. That was one of his favorite things to write about.

I didn't know that. Yeah, it's like, say goodbye to Saigon. Say sayonara to Saigon, which is kind of racist. Yeah. What? Good night, Saigon. Good night, Saigon. But when the waiting became too much to bear, some Vietnamese even tried climbing the walls, but the Marines tasked with crowd control used their rifle butts to knock those people back. And those outside the walls became even more panicked when the North Vietnamese air...

In other words, it became very clear very quickly that if you didn't get out on an American helicopter, it was likely you weren't getting out of Saigon at all. And so because of Ambassador Martin's delusional inaction, some 70 CIA translators and their families didn't even make it past the walls of the embassy. Had the evacuation started weeks before when the CIA said, time to go. Everyone could have been saved easily. Instead, some of those collaborators died

horrific deaths because Ambassador Martin waited too long. One woman, for example, was tied to a tree by the North Vietnamese and had her tongue cut out. She died after drowning in her own blood. Yeah, I mean, we've also seen all the video footage. Like, they were having to evacuate. people so quickly that and the aircraft carriers just off shore they're pushing

helicopters into the water just to make room for more people. There's a great documentary called Last Days of Vietnam. If you haven't seen it, you've got to check it out. It's incredible, yeah. Ambassador Graham Martin, however, later defended his role, saying that he had done, quote, A hell of a job.

during the fall of Saigon. You could have just said the best I could. Yeah, he's been like, I'm trying, guys. He had to go hardcore. No, I did a hell of a job. I did a good job. You liked what I did. Everybody liked the aftermath. Rehire me. And they did. And that is the story of White Christmas in the Fall of Saigon. Wow. That is very fascinating. Right from your grave.

It's Sismas time. It's Sismas. I like Christmas. Sismas. Sometimes I like to have some eggnog and enjoy my Sismas. And when I'm enjoying Sismas and having early morning eggnogs, I like to be comfortable. And when I be drinking my eggnog, I like wearing a casual sweater by quince because it feels good. And when I feel good...

I feel great. It's Quince-mas. It's Quince-mas? It's Quince-mas. You gotta buy gifts for your family this Quince-mas. Go ahead and go over to Quince and you buy your stuff and you give it to people because it's cheap. It's cheap and it's locally sourced. And it's got, it's half the price of the high-end brands. Cause the Sysmos.

You like Sismas? It's Quincemas. Go ahead, everybody. You make yourself look good and you be worn by the fire. Get your wardrobe sorted and your gift list handled with quince. Don't wait. Go to quince.com slash last for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's quince.com slash last. and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash last. Merry Quincemas, everybody!

Now that the holidays are over, you might be feeling like you've got a big spending hangover. The drinks, the holiday food, the gifts. Luckily, Mint Mobile is here to help you cut back on overspending on wireless this January with 50% off unlimited. Same network?

Same provider. I'm doing it. It is honestly, save money on a Mint Mobile. It's $15 a month. This January, quit overspending on wireless for 50% off unlimited premium wireless. Plan started $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash L-P-O-T-L. That's mintmobile.com. Com slash LP O T L limited time offer upfront payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for 12 month plan required $15 per month, equivalent taxes and fees, extra initial plan term only.

We'll get to the other one here in a bit, but before that, Ed.

has a Christmas story about one of his favorite things. Well, let's fast forward all the way to December 25th, 2007. Yeah, good year. No, it was a beautiful low 50s Christmas holiday. Laughter. joy filled the San Francisco Zoo as families celebrated by gawking at lemurs, hippos, and grizzly bears. Put an honor in the manger, the boys said. Make...

Make the rhino Santa Claus the children house. And they're just like, just shut up, kids. You don't run the zoo. Shut up, kids. Stop giving us free ideas, all right? They're animals. And then just as around closing time... sun was setting behind the Gorilla Preserve. Horror struck the San Francisco Zoo and...

Tatiana the tiger escaped her enclosure to murder teenager Carlos Sousa Jr. and Mame brothers Paul and Coolbeer Dhalawal. Now, who's the villain here? We'll get to it. Carlos Sousa? Was he related to... John Philippe Sousa? No, no, no, no. This is from the San Francisco ruffian Sousas. Not marching band royalty Sousa. No, no, no, no, no, no. And then... Ultimately, poor Tatiana was shot dead by police in front of a hamburger stand.

Christmas tale as old as time. What an ironic, ironic death for a tiger. To see all the free cooked hamburger meat in its eyes as it dies. God.

Damn. Well, the story is not that simple, though. So let's examine what led to the gruesome attack and who may have been a fault and how we're making sure something like this never happens again. Tatiana was a Siberian tiger born in... captivity at the denver zoo june 27 2003 and then at two and a half years old was sold into sexual slavery to the san francisco zoo in 2005 to be a concubine for an older gentleman

A 14-year-old male tiger named Tony. And she was all like, great. Siberian tiger. I'm angry. I'm angry at you. Get a better name for the tiger than Tony. There's so many names you can give a tiger. It's the first one. I know it's the first. I know Tony the tiger. I think the first one was like, ah! Well, Siberian tigers are a subspecies of tiger from, as you could have probably guessed, the Siberian region of Russia, northeastern China, and areas of North Korea.

1900s siberian tigers were hunted and captured to near extinction at one point it is thought that only 30 were left in the wild Right now, it's believed that that number is up to around 500, which is an improvement, but they're still very much endangered. I mean, it's hard in Siberia. It really is. I don't know how they have jobs. Well, 20th century Russians would hunt this.

animal for sport and fur mostly, but would also capture and sell these animals to zoos and circuses around the world. Males. And when we knew about circuses for a long time, they'd have to get like... 20 of an animal to get one living one back. They would usually send pups to circuses so they could be trained better and not understand that they could be free and kill.

Male Siberian tiger can get up to 10 feet long and weigh over 400 pounds. The largest ever has been, I think, over seven. Females are usually around 300 pounds. But Tatiana, our tiger in question. was a trim athletic gal with a great body weighing 260 pounds. She was hot!

Her tiger breasts could barely hold the stripes, if you know what I'm saying. I think you're objectifying this woman. I think you're objectifying her, yeah. And I don't. Yes. And a different life. She could have been a cheerleader for the Bengals. But alas, her fate was sealed to die like Harvey Milk, filled with bullets in the city by the bay. Did the police who killed her also use the Twinkie defense? I had too many donuts! It's the sugar! But...

Before we get to the bloody Christmas of 2007, let's talk about an incident that happened one year earlier, December 22nd, 2006, just three days before James Brown died. Oh. An experienced trainer, Lori Comagen, was performing a public feeding with all the big cats in a room called the Lion House. And pretty soon, she'd be lying on the floor screaming. The big cat... In pain. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The big cat feeding was a very popular daily event. Lori had been with the zoo for over 10 years and at this point was known as the carnivore chick amongst the staff. She always did this. She was the best at it.

The tigers and lions would be loaded into the cages individually and fed raw steaks and hamburger meat through a small slit in the bottom of the front door of the cage, so the public may watch in awe. On this day, while feeding Tatiana, Lori dropped a... piece of meat between the swinging feeding door and the drain she reached down to pick up the meat and that's when tatiana struck

Tatiana grabbed her left hand and then her right arm when she tried to pull her hand away. A witness told the San Francisco Gate magazine that Tatiana ate her hand and then slowly started to eat the rest of her arm. Wow. Because it's feeding time. Yeah, I was hungry. Yeah, and it's taking its time with it. Oh, yeah. Three men jumped in and grabbed Lori and pulled her away from Tatiana, but this didn't work. Tatiana only pulled on Lori's arm harder, almost like it was a game. Yeah.

And she didn't release Lori until another zoo employee started to beat her in the skull with a metal pole. Yeah. Once Lori was free, another witness was quoted in saying, I think most of her right arm doesn't exist anymore. Yeah, fuck yeah, I love that guy. What was left hanging was in strings. The tiger did not eat it in a clean way.

giving bad news. So many different ways I could describe it. You know how I'm going to describe it? A chandelier made out of gore. Yeah, that's what she was. She was just a bunch of There's a coleslaw filled with blood. Love to see it. And just so you know, the tiger could have done a better job eating. It didn't. It did it. It cut corners. It was real messy. Honestly, irresponsible. That's the irresponsible way to do it.

Well, Lori was rushed to the hospital and doctors did the best that they could. They were able to reattach part of the hand and a couple of skin grafts later. She regained some arm function, but it never really. regained full function and this is how it looks today there it is

That's the arm right there, her right arm right there. That's after the tiger. Yeah, yeah. It's not in great shape. Not in great shape, but it's there. She's still got it. And if you're a tiger person, doesn't that kind of like show how awesome you are? If you've been, well, I think it shows how bad you are. I actually, but is that true or not? Like, that's a good one for side stories, lpotl at gmail.com. Like, she was set up for disaster, in my opinion.

I just mean, like, does scars and missing parts make you a more sought-after animal handler? Or less. Well, remember when I used to do the Jungle Cruise down in Florida, they would always have one. The stop we would take on the Jungle Cruise was to a little island where they would do cracker wrestling with alligators. And then there was famously, I talked about this on Roundtable, there was a guy who was missing.

multiple fingers and he was the alligator wrestler and then he like would get work us up into a frenzy while he's in the alligator pit yelling alligator bit it alligator bit it and then we'd all start cheering alligator bit it alligator bit it and then he'd jump on an alligator and start wrestling and

shit yeah it's fun it's a blast yeah it does sound pretty fun but i think the people who have been hurt a lot it seems if i remember from tiger king you know it's been five years now it seems like the the more injuries you have the lower you go until you're Yeah, you're not going to San Diego Zoo anytime soon. No, no, no. But you're going to the Tuscaloosa Rhino Roundup. It's a lot harder to feed tigers when you only have one hand. Yeah, yeah.

at one point you end up at Honk for Zoo. Yes. Well, Lori was just as kind as she was delicious, so her and the zoo decided to not euthanize Tatiana after this incident. OSHA, though,

fined the zoo $18,000 and made them close and re-fortify the Lion House, ultimately costing the zoo a quarter of a million dollars. A year and a couple days later, Tatiana would strike again. 2007, Christmas Day. The world would still be mourning the death of jazz great Oscar Peterson. Yeah, none of us were over that yet. I'm still kind of dealing with it. I'm actually a massive Oscar Peterson fan. When Paul and Kulbir Dhalawal and Carlos Souza were coping with the news, they were doing it by...

Do what we all do on old Buradan, and that's getting hammered and going to the zoo. When my favorite jazz guy dies, the first thing I do is I get a pint of liquor. I go straight to the zoo. You take that night train all over there. That liquor in the parking lot, too. I want to be freshly drunk. Yeah.

These boys were very drunk, visibly drunk, causing a ruckus all around the zoo the entire day. And they were like smoking weed in the parking lot and shit. Other visitors noticed that these young men were very intoxicated and traipsing around the zoo causing a scene. Just before closing, one witness saw them yelling and roaring at the lions.

Then things turned up a little bit when they got to the Siberian tiger exhibit. Some other zoo goers saw them yelling and taunting the tigers as well. And when they left, they were still doing that. They basically yelled at the tigers long enough for everyone to be like,

just get out of here these guys are bumming me out yeah so at this time it's not a hundred percent known exactly what happened because the surviving men of this drunken posse refused to cooperate with the police and investigators even to this day What is the most likely story, though, through evidence and investigation, is that these men were taunting the tigers and throwing pine cones at them. Don't you fucking even think of doing that in my fucking town! Don't throw pine cones at them.

tiger? Come on. But guess what? You get exactly what you deserve. You do. They're pretty sure one of them even jumped the barrier and dangled his leg over the enclosure. They denied that this happened, but a shoe print matching one of them was found on top of the fence. Yeah. Mind you, the San Francisco Zoo is very old. It opened in the 1930s. And if you remember, it was featured in The Graduate during the date scene.

So it's an outdated zoo. Yeah, it's an old ass zoo. Yeah. And they had very little video surveillance. And while it is an AZA accredited zoo, the AZA has said in most areas they only meet the absolute minimum. requirements but also for the most part human beings due to our sort of let's say kind of natural instincts

avoid confrontations with large predator cats. Normally we have, because of the years, maybe because of the pictures we've seen, we're just looking at a predator cat. Normally your nervous system will tell you, hey. Don't fuck with that thing. In fact, your nervous system is built for that. It's why we have the sympathetic nervous system is because of the big cat. You're supposed to see that thing and go, hmm. I'm going to avoid that thing. I'm not going to throw a pine cone.

That thing. And so what these guys have done is taken a human invention, alcohol, and they have applied that to themselves, allowed them to advance beyond the predator cat, which is going to then show what biology leads. Now we're going to see what happens.

And it's not to mention they're 17, 19, and 23. So they're drinking underage. They're hammered. It's Christmas. Like, who knows what they were drinking before. They were like, let's all go to the zoo. You know what I call them? You know what I call those boys? I call them.

Tiger food. Yeah. You know, I haven't been in a zoo since I was a kid. We should go. And honestly, the first thing I'm fun doing, man, when we get to that zoo, startin' shit. So the tiger enclosure at the San Francisco zoo, there's an Island with a 33 foot moat and what was thought to be a 20 foot wall. But after the incident, when the wall was measured, it was actually only.

12.5 feet tall. The AZA requires a 16 foot wall. So it was under regulation and they were hiding it from everyone because they're not going to go measure the wall. Yeah. Like while the tigers are in there and stuff like that. So after the drunken rascals felt satisfied, given the tigers, the business, they turned their backs and started to walk away. Tatiana.

Saw this as her window for revenge. You see, it's rare for a tiger to attack from the front. They prefer a stealthier attack from behind their victims. When you see footage of men in India walking along the tiger-infested forest, they wear masks on the back. their heads to dissuade the Tigers from attacking. Tatiana. supposedly waited for them to turn their backs, jumped into the bottom of the moat, silently leaped over the 12.5 foot wall from a scrouched position, 260 pound animal.

Jumped all the way up 12. It was angry. Stalked the men and pounced. Yeah. The eldest of the boys, cold beer was the first to be attacked by Tatiana. Carlos Sousa, who was the youngest, then began to scream at Tatiana and tried to free Colbert, and it worked. But then she was free to it.

Attacked poor Carlos. Yeah, got you, Carlos. Tatiana. It's coming for you. Oh, man, it did. Because Tatiana, she went straight for Carlos's neck with her razor-sharp claws and teeth killing him in that exact spot. Wow. And he's lucky, honestly. Maybe. That's fast. You think so? Yeah. We don't know if it was fast. That's faster than the other guy. Well, in total shock, while Tatiana was murdering Carlos, Paul and Colbert ran for their lives. They were like, oh, shit. Guys are awesome.

They're great help. They're like, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, shit! Oh, fuck! Especially after he saved the other one's life. Oh, yeah. So they left Carlos to fend for himself with Tatiana. He's dead, man! He's gone! He's fucking dead! Oh, fuck. We left our booze in the car, man. Tatiana was continuing to maul his lifeless body in front of her sugar daddy, Tony the Tiger. This would be the last time those two tigers ever...

saw each other. The brothers reached the Terrace Cafe for help, but since the zoo had just closed, the doors were locked. They were screaming and pounding on the door to be let in, but the employees did not open because they seemed erratic, and the workers just thought, these kids are on drugs. I ain't letting them in the goddamn cafe. I don't get paid enough for this shit. It's Christmas. Yeah.

So they were screaming about how a tiger escaped and killed their friend. The manager of the terrorist cafe did not believe them. It's at the zoo. If there was a place where... might happen is at the zoo. And if you see people screaming, covering the blood saying, the tigers are loose, the tigers are loose, you might be like, these pranksters. I will say it's an 80-year-old zoo.

on christmas and this something like this has never happened there before yeah yeah but the manager's like yeah tell me another one yeah i've been there before yeah you're gonna tell me the penguins of unionized well the manager hadn't been trained in what to do in case of an animal attack because he's only a retail employee um but he did notify security who i tell you what all retail employees in the zoo should do run for your fucking lives and do nothing to hell literally if you work

the zoo and you're not an animal trainer, you run away and you help no one. I mean, it's kind of what happened. Yes. He did notify security who also did not believe that a tiger escaped and that these brothers were just whacked out of drugs. point staff who did not believe them that an animal was out called security anyway and here is that call Oh, so is he saying that he was bitten? Is he saying that he was bitten?

Is the patient saying that he was bitten by an animal? Is he covered in blood? Is he covered in blood? I was just waiting to hear that. What's that sound? Someone's playing some kind of cat soundtrack. The reason you didn't hear that is because Tatiana was still just toying with Carlos's corpse, leaving him with blunt force trauma to his.

head and neck deep puncture wounds in his head neck and chest fractures to his skull and spine and his jugular vein ripped out from his neck she decided the fight was over It began to search for the Dhalawal brothers. Then at this juncture, another staff member saw Tatiana walking calmly through the zoo, walking past multiple exhibits, searching for the boys to continue her revenge. She had been following a blood.

trail that led straight to the injured Colbir at the Terrace Cafe. Oh, yeah. She was stalking them. She wasn't... At first, they were like, oh, maybe she's like... eating them because she was hungry yeah but she didn't eat any of them she was literally just murdering yeah she was coming for fucking yeah she was fucking pissed yeah so after it was confirmed that tatiana was indeed out zoo security and animal

Well, even if she is out, I mean, like, whatever. It doesn't matter. Yeah. Well, they called the trained shooter, Anthony Brown, who grabbed a shotgun and hopped in his car and drove to the Tiger enclosure where he saw Carlos Sousa Jr. dead on the ground. He knew he was gone. but he still tried to save them. Being Christmas Day, the zoo was understaffed, and they were...

And everyone who was there went into full panic mode. They had no idea how many tigers had escaped at this point. So until they could locate all of them, they could not send paramedics or security in to help. At a loss of what to do, the boys then called 911, and here is their call. I'm just going to stay on the line with you until the paramedics are with you, all right? Okay. Can you check up on them? We'll see where they are.

They're on scene right now, but they have to stay until they're given permission to go inside. Okay, no, I understand that, but at the same time, we have to make sure the paramedics don't get chewed out, because if the paramedics get hurt, then nobody is going to help you. Okay, I understand that. All right? Okay, the ambulance is staging. I need you to understand that if the ambulance... Calm down. Sorry, bro.

I am going to stay on the line with you. If the paramedics get hurt, they cannot help your brother. So you need to calm down. You are going to be the best help for your brother right now. Okay, I'm trying to explain to you that we have to make sure that we can get inside safely, all right? I do not know that because I'm not out there right now, but we have specialists.

Yeah, dude. He's not even doing anything. He's like, yeah, buddy. You're inside the zoo. You got the tiger fucking out of there. You're... fucked. I'm not sending paramedics in there just to get attacked by fucking tigers just because you're a fucking dumbass and set this whole thing off. So, mind you, remember, this is at Christmas and for the holiday season, there was an ice rink.

set up in the zoo close to the terrace cafe the employee working at the ice ring is the true hero in the story they heard what was going down over the radio and ran over to the cafe to help the boys me like this is not A security person. This is just someone who works at the ice skating. This is a nice person that, again, should have ran for the hills. Never helped. If you're just an employee, you run. You run away. So when they arrived at the scene, they started.

to give the boys the best medical attention they could. Unfortunately, this is also when Tatiana arrived. Tatiana wanted to finish the job and started swiping at the boys' legs and had all three of them cornered to the hamburger stand.

And that's got to be something to have the tiger not go with the hamburger stand. Is that just food just sitting there, man? And you've got to imagine it's all glass doors, so the employees in the hamburger stand are just, like, watching. Oh, yeah. And they're between the tiger and the hamburger. Throw the hamburgers outside! Throw the hamburgers at it! Just whispers like...

Do tigers eat hamburgers? Did you know that they fucking eat hamburgers? You heard what happened to Lori when she tried to give this tiger a hamburger? That was just her hand and it wasn't cooked with delicious onions. See, here's the thing. Tatiana wasn't a crazed, senseless killer. She was a killer with purpose. In a wild turn of events, Tatiana would not let the Dhalawal brothers move away from her. She wanted their lives.

But in a moment of tiger clarity, Tatiana, knowing she wasn't there to kill the ice ring employee, let her leave the altercation almost to say, my beef ain't with you, big dog. Yeah. My fight ain't with you. My fight's with them. And she's like, kill those boys. That's kind of exactly what happened. You just go ahead and you just...

You killed those boys, all right? So now it's 20 minutes after closing, and police were finally allowed to enter the zoo, driving in their police cruisers. First, they arrived at Carlos to double-check that he was dead, and he was, in fact, still dead. Yeah, honestly, he's had more... He's at a well done. Then...

to the Terrace Cafe, where Tatiana was absolutely ripping these boys to shreds. Police were at a loss of what to do. They pulled their weapons, but they were scared to shoot because she was currently doing her best to kill these boys, and the cops didn't want to... accidentally shoot them. So the cops created a distraction. She probably would have fucking just ended their horrific pain and probably just shot him in the head and take him out. At that point, grenade. Yes. Well, the cops decided.

To create a distraction by turning on their patrol lights. And Tatiana stopped attacking for a moment. And then just sat at the boys feet. Staring at them as they bled out. Because it is after all a cat. A cat still. They all act pretty much. the same way. They should have just had a laser pointer. That's when police officer Chris Oshida fired a first shot into Tatiana's chest. Tatiana knew that this was the end and did what any rational tiger would do in this situation. Suicide by cop. Yeah.

She charged the police officers and Officer Oshida was all like, Oshida, I gotta kill this fucking tiger. Then he put another bullet in her chest as she charged even faster. And then he put a bullet in her.

Pretty little tiger brain. And she died there in the glow of police lights and a dipping dots machine. The other cops were there. If only. There were three other cops there. And they were right not to fire her when she was attacking the boys because they fired 11 shots and missed every single one of them. Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ. It's a tiger, man. It's standing there. It's a huge animal. Yeah, and they don't have rifles. They've got pistols, you know? It's a big-ass thing. Yeah, you can shoot at it. Well, Officer Yoshida said later, I've never personally seen a tiger maul a human in my life, and that's something I will never forget. He was awarded the Medal of Valor.

The Dolly Wall brothers were taken to the hospital with deep wounds in their heads, necks, arms, and hands. They were kept in the hospital for several days and attended Carlos's funeral the next week, still bandaged all over the bodies. The emergency room doctor at the...

time was like bragging. He's like, yeah, we saved their fucking lives. Yeah, of course he should. To be honest, they all should. Do they not have to pay any of this back? Do they have to pay for anything? What punishment do these idiots get? You'll see.

In the aftermath, everyone was trying to figure out what happened. At first, it was thought that maybe someone let Tatiana out of her cage. And then maybe Colbert was... dangling his foot over the wall and she used his leg to climb up since tigers had been in this enclosure for half a century without ever getting out everyone was just scratching their heads remember The Dollywall brothers refused to ever cooperate with any investigation. They claimed that they did nothing wrong.

But no one believes that. They claim to have never provoked the tiger by throwing anything inside the enclosure, even though pine cones were found inside and the pine tree was far enough from the enclosure that they could have not fell on there on their own. The Dolly Walls, in turn, sued the San Francisco Zoo and were awarded $800,000. Carlos Sousa Jr.'s family also sued the zoo and won an undisclosed amount. Man, that's horseshit. Yeah. Well...

They had a pretty airtight case stating that even if the tiger was provoked and the pine cones had been thrown at it, it should have never in a million years been able to get out of the enclosure. Man, yeah, I guess I do understand. I mean, that is... part of fucking regulation and that's why it all comes on your fucking ass when you're the zoo. That's right. Whether they were assholes to the tiger or not, I do kind of agree. I understand. The reason why there are rules is because somebody

There's always a reason why. Even though we're all, like, glad that that one dude's DNA is taken out of the fucking pool, it's like one of those or the other two, like, they've learned nothing. Yes. No. No, they really did. They were almost rewarded for what happened. Yeah. Lori Comijan, the trainer who got her hand ripped apart, she saw their success in the lawsuits and then filed one of her own and received an undisclosed amount.

As she should have. She should have done it a long time ago. She should have. Yeah. To fix the issue, the head zoo administrator was let go and Tony the Tiger was moved to a smaller cage while the tiger enclosure was modified to make sure that this never happens again. They dug deep. into the moat and put a large plexiglass barrier up that now reaches over 20 feet.

In my opinion, the zoo and the boys are at fault in this incident. In my research, I saw in 1997, the zoo was awarded $48 million for animal upgrades, but they used most of the money to upgrade the customer facilities and not... the animal facilities. Ah, fuck them. I know. Yeah, the animals are only, that's like the star of the show. Yeah. You fucking treat the talent with care. Yeah, and then we show up.

This is why all of the animals agree that they're not happy at the zoo. In the coming years, there were more incidents at the San Francisco Zoo, including a large door crushing a gorilla to death. Jesus Christ. Orangutans living in a sub... living space infested with rats. Okay, so it definitely had massive problems. A wild mountain lion.

broke into the zoo and killed a kangaroo and two wallaroos. And you know, they're like, what the fuck? That's insane. That's like you and me at our house and all of a sudden Ed Kemper just like dropped off at the door. like i guess i have to kill everyone you know yeah they basically showed up and the kangaroos and the wallow were ripped to shreds and like what the fuck happened and then when they check footage a mountain lion did just break into the zoo he came to a restaurant yes yes yeah um

Also, a grizzly bear briefly escaped, a lemur and a squirrel monkey were stolen in separate incidents, and another door fell and killed a beloved penguin named Handy Harry. Currently... The zoo is 95 years old and very outdated compared to other zoos. For a while, there was a group of San Franciscans who tried to remove the exotic animals and make it a sanctuary for stray animals. But ultimately, that idea was...

shot down because nobody wants to go in a zoo for dogs. No, it's called the Pound. If you can't take them out, then it's just a heartbreaking bunch. It's just going to a kennel. Tony the Tiger. Never recovered from the loss of Tatiana and died sad and alone in 2010. It took a lot of guys who honestly made it big in commercial world. The Dollywall brothers, even though they were awarded $800,000. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, no, it was good. It was fine. Yeah. The Dollywall brothers awarded $800,000.

Did not have it easy for the rest of their lives as well. Arrested multiple times for drunk driving and shoplifting. And ultimately, Paul Dallowall died in 2012 for what seems to be a drug overdose. No way. No. Yeah. That guy? Well, giving that guy a bunch of cash didn't help his life? No, it certainly didn't. It accelerated his demise? And it just increases in character. Merry Christmas.

You fucking pieces of shit. Thank you. Good work. Good lesson to learn. Thank you. I just had that Flaming Lips song, Christmas at the Zoo, playing in my head the whole time. It's a good lesson to learn, guys. Just remember that you always win if you're bad. Right from your grave. America, America, you used to be so fun. But now you go to bed at night scrolling on your phone.

You're fun again today. Carnival is calling. Save up to 40% off your cruise vacation. Offer plastic cruise fare only. Restricted supply. Visit Carnival.com for details. Ships registry, the Bahamas, and Panama. Well, now that we have had ourselves a Christmas animal attack.

And I've also told the story of a Christmas song within the context of history. Let's tell the story of a Christmas song that was based kind of, sort of on historical events, or at least based on an historical figure. In my opinion, this song is one of the best Christmas songs out there because everyone loves singing Beast of Stevens. Everybody does. I like that song and I like Feliz Navidad. Yeah. That song, of course, is Good King Wenceslas.

Now, like many Christmas traditions, Good King Wenceslas has its roots in a time when Catholicism was still drenched in paganism. The song was written in 1853 by a medievalist priest named John Mason Neal, who stole... the melody from a 13th century tune celebrating spring called Tempest Ades Floridum. Actually, Rob, I did send you a link. That's interesting. I love these four virgin boys. What is happening? He's putting hot chicks in it. These women are empty.

Those chicks do not want to be there. I feel like this is some old songs club in a German high school. Yeah, I don't know exactly. It's the Montfort Academy Latin Club, I believe. Oh, okay, nice. Yeah, but it's a nice song. It's just all about, like, spring is here. These are why we do these things. This is how we're...

It's another example of how actually more Christian, our modern Christian traditions are not really even based on pagan traditions. They're actually based on Volk traditions that are more Germanic. Like most of these are like, you're going to see all. this come out. That's, you know, we got a lot to thank Himmler for this year. We actually do. Jesus Christ. A lot to thank old boy for. Yep, that was a good month and a half for us. Yep.

Great numbers. Interestingly, Good King Wenceslas was a controversial song upon its release. Its writer, John Mason Neal, was an Anglo-Catholic priest, meaning that he believed in combining Catholic rituals and belief in the saints with... pre-Protestant practices. Basically, Father Neal wanted to take things back to medieval times. So, to spread the pre-Protestant cheer, he decided to write a carol about St. Wenceslas to teach children to partake in good and

charitable deeds during the Christmas season. His Protestant contemporaries, however, called Good King Wenceslaus a barbarous toon pairing. Doggeroo! Poor and commonplace to the last degree. You mean to tell me, this is just one of those funny things, that haters have existed for so fucking long that people dogged, people panned Good King Wentz's Laws.

Panda. Well, actually... That's a cancelled figure. We're never... It's always here. It's always been here. It's always been here and it's never gonna end. Yeah, that was an actual direct quote. A barbarous tomb pairing. That's hilarious. Now... Wenceslas was indeed a good man. He actually existed. He was sort of a Robin Hood-like figure who brought aid to the poor and remained a proud virgin all his life. How did a virgin bring aids to the poor? With this list

preferred the monastic existence of labor and contemplation to the company of women. He needed not a lady. He only needed God. Red right hand. But there is, of course, quite a bit of murder and violence in the actual history of good King Wenceslas, which brings us back to the world of the Catholic...

saints. Yay! Our favorite evil superheroes. The Saint Wenceslas was the first saint of Bohemia and therefore the first Czech to achieve worldwide fame. First ever famous Czech. Whoa. Born in 907 AD and dead by the age of 28, Wenceslas was never actually a king. More accurately, he was a prince and then... a duke. And then a corpse. And then a corpse. But good duke Wenceslas does not sound good, so he changed it to good king Wenceslas. Sure. Yeah, good duke Wenceslas is...

That's what I had this morning. Born to a royal dynasty that ruled parts of various Eastern European countries, including Poland. Wenceslas was actually Polish. Wenceslas's father, Duke Wratislaus, was a Christian who'd been converted by St. Cyril. The same Cyril... who also created the Cyrillic alphabet still used in Russian and Ukrainian writing to this day. There's quite a bit of context involving Wenceslas. Wenceslas's mother, however, was a pagan princess named Drehomira.

who supposedly converted to Christianity when she married Duke Wratislaus. It was rumored, however, that Dre Homira converted in name only and remained a committed pagan throughout Wenceslas' childhood. Now, Duke Wratislaus died in battle while invading Hungary in the year 921 A.D., but since Wenceslas was only 14 years old and too young to take over his father's dukedom, his grandmother, Lyudmila, stepped in as...

until Wenceslas came of age. Ha! Yeah. Granny Ludmilla. Yeah. Supposedly, Ludmilla was a true Christian who taught Wenceslas about charity, forgiveness, and all the other touchy-feely Jesus stuff that most Christians refuse to acknowledge. Supposedly, because pagans must always be portrayed as evil in these sorts of stories, Winsles' mother, Dre Homira, hated Ludmilla's Christian influence, so she rounded up a group of pagan noblemen to chase Ludmilla out of town.

Ludmilla went into hiding, but Dre Hamira had her track down within weeks and had Wenceslas's grandmother executed. Whoa. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Yeah. She also became a saint. Whoa. Now, Dre Hamira took over as regent until Wenceslas came of age and therefore reinstated pagan practices throughout Bohemia. But once Wenceslas became duke when he came of age, he switched everything back to Christianity.

Now, while that is a buzzkill, Windsor's List was said to be the protector of widows and orphans. This is his sainthood. That's what he captured. Yeah. No love for the widower. No love for the widower, ever. He failed his job. He was also a supporter of the weak, a supporter of foreigners, and was said to be a wise and literate man.

He was also against the death penalty, which was extremely uncommon, if not totally unheard of, for a ruler in 10th century Europe. So I'm imagining they killed him? Well, we'll get to that. But while he did have the gallows dismantled, he was a massive fan of brutally flogging anyone who trespassed against the word of God. So you're not going to get killed, but...

You are going to get whipped. Hey, you know, you're not dead. Yeah. You just got to really think about Christ. Well, he also really expanded what you got flogged for. Yeah. People, if you acted. Immoderately. Flog them. Yeah, flog them. If you loitered in a tavern. Let me fucking get in there. I hate that shit. Get out. You're gunking up the parking lot. You don't gotta go home. Let me fucking get out of here. Let me beat the shit out of here. If you indulged in revelry without cause.

Get that? I hate kids. I hate skateboarding. I hate random songs. I hate bouncy houses. Tatiana tried to flog the Dolly Wall Boys, but she only had claws and teeth. So it's just cutting. Yeah, just slice them up. Well, if you did any of that in Duke Wenceslas's lands, you were immediately put into irons and severely flogged while Wenceslas ceaselessly prayed for you day and night. It's like, honestly, I could use the beating without the praying.

Yeah. Just beat me. I actually feel like the praying would be the most annoying part. I'd be like, shut the fuck up, all right? Yeah, that would be the most annoying part. Which is the guy going, I'm only doing this because for your sake and this hurts me more than it hurts you. It's like, just shut the fuck up, buddy. I get it. Yeah.

I'm the one getting flogged. I guess that would be annoying because getting flogged is more than annoying. Yes. I'm just saying that's the worst part of it is him just going, you know, really, this hurts me more than it hurts you. That makes me angry. Yeah. They used to make a game out of it where they would like chase.

them, flogging them through the street, and they would try to run between the carriages. It was called Flogger. Stupid. Stupid, stupid joke. But a funny game. I say brilliant. I get it. Subjective. Comedy subjective.

Well, because things never really change, Wenceslas' neighbors were absolutely furious when he tried building true Christian principles into his government, like when Wenceslas suggested that the poor should be able to eat food. Yeah! Yeah.

Even if they can't afford it. We should be able to, we should feed the poor. If not, we'll flog them. Yeah. Yeah. Beat the fucking shit out of them. You're going to give the charity, I'm going to beat the fucking shit out of you. Well, this proclamation, however, led to one of the miracles that secured Winslet's Saint. According to legend, Count Radislas of Guruma was so... That's an evil name.

Count Rodislas of Gurima. Definitely the bad guy. Yeah, he was so incensed by the idea that Wenceslas was feeding the poor that he invaded Wenceslas' land. That's how evil he was. My God, he's feeding the poor. Bring me my horse. Yeah, I get it. We just heard it from our wonderful leader, Elon Musk. Suicidal empathy. Oh, yeah, that's right. We shall ride from the lands of Guruma.

But instead of allowing his people to die while defending his personal principles, Wenceslas, according to his hagiography, challenged Count Radeslas to single combat to avoid all-out war. The count accepted and most likely laughed. when Wenceslas showed up to the duel unarmored, holding only a short sword. The heavily armed count therefore thrust his lance towards Wenceslas for the killing blow, but as he did, two angels appeared.

and protected the future saint. Count Radislas fell to the ground, which apparently meant he lost. But Wenceslas spared the Count's life just so long as the Count promised to go home to Guruma. and leave Wintersless alone. Oh, you see, wow, he did it like peaceful. Where were those angels every other time, saints for murder? I feel like they did something like they'd never seen a juke before. It never is.

You never saw that before, and maybe that's what he invented. Yes. What do they call the dolphin spin? What's that spin? Oh, I don't know. When you do the thing when you swim. The swim move. Yeah, the swim move. He could have invented the swim move. You never know. Maybe he's an old relative.

You don't know. Maybe. Now, when's this list only made it to the age of 28? And that was due to his younger brother, Boleslaus. Boleslaus was ambitious and unhappy with Wenceslaus's pacifism. So he conspired with other Bohemian nobles.

to murder his brother. Come on. Dude, that's the best part of Crusader Kings 3. That's the best shit. Yeah. Is that when you're playing a character and then you, but you want their son in, then you do the thing where you set up their whole family to betray them. It's fucking awesome. Yeah. In September of 935, Boleslaus invited Wenceslas to church, followed by a nice dinner and a few cups of wine. But when Wenceslas woke up the next day to go back to church, Boleslaus and his henchmen followed.

When the time was right, the three henchmen stabbed Wenceslas to death and unceremoniously dumped his body in a ditch. Boleslaus was then made Duke of Bohemia, and the murder of his brother earned him the name... Bolaslaus the Cruel. Oh, no. Bolaslaus the Louse. It's right there. No, they don't like rhymes. They don't like rhymes. Bolaslaus does sound...

He sounds like he did like evil a little bit. The same day that he killed his brother, his wife gave birth to a son, and they named him Strockvoss, which translated to English means... dreadful feast. That's awesome! Man, we need better names. Bolesław, however, eventually came around to Christianity. This is a massive historical context here. His future actions led to the recognition of the Polish state by the papacy, which helped to define medieval Poland as one of the first modern states.

Well, yeah, so Bola Slaus the Cruel was actually a massive figure in Polish history. But that's interesting because, yes, he just didn't really like the kind of his brother. But at the same time, he had long view of history, which Dan Carlin always talks about the capital G. great men of history. Yeah, and Boleslaus would be one of those men. Sounds like a Polish soup. Honestly, it's delicious. Have you ever had it? Dill? Don't be like Dill. Lots of Boleslaus for me, please.

No spoon, just a straw. Yeah, that's right. Get him the big straw. He's got a big mouth. Now, Wenceslas was almost immediately celebrated as a martyr by Christians, who developed the cult of St. Wenceslas in short order. 800 years later, Wenceslas was plucked from relative obscurity by the aforementioned John Mason Neal,

stole a pagan-ish tune and wrote a carol about a good king who feeds the poor and leaves magically heated footprints in the snow. Seriously, if you listen, that is what the song is about. That's the plot of the song. He sampled it.

Yeah. He did. Yeah. It's more of a sample. Yeah, yeah. He took the beat and he ran with it. He did. Very much so. Yeah. Yeah, it's fine. But also that's normal though, especially for old song, like the idea of, that's like a very common practice. Very much so. Yeah. Just taking the old tune, giving it new work.

Yeah, if you listen to the song, the whole thing is King Wenceslas looks out. There's a poor man outside. He tells his servant, hey, let's go feed that guy. And they go outside and it's Christmas. Reverend says, I'm cold. And Winslet says, just follow in my footsteps, for they will be warm. And they were.

Grab this vlog and hit this bad boy. You smack yourself with this a little bit, you'll warm yourself right in. Neil also introduced all of us who were raised as Protestants to the Feast of Stephen. I didn't know what the Feast of Stephen was. No! It's the celebration.

of the first Christian martyr. Traditionally, the Feast of Stephen is held on the day after Christmas. Steve's the first guy who got murdered on Christmas? He did not get murdered on Christmas, but he was just murdered, and they just usually like to have the Feast of Stephen. He was murdered.

like 80, 87 or something like that. That's fascinating. Stone to death. I think we talked about it in our Saints episode. Very much so. Now that I'm saying, like, I do remember going, Feast of Stephen. It might have come in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It seems very familiar. Speaking of which, I'd like to end my favorite thing.

with a street joke. Yeah. How does a king wins this list like his pizza? How? Deep and crisp and even. Oh! Oh my God! Are you a fucking Protestant? Let's swing him up! Let's string him up. We're going to blow up his house. I am going down there. The war is coming home. I was raised. Yes, I was raised Protestant. Yes. The war is coming home. Interesting. I thought you were cool.

I'm from Texas. Unless you live in San Antonio. Yeah, you don't get that Roman Catholic blood like we do. All right, now I'm going to tell you a story of my favorite things. Obviously, I do love a story about... a uap a ufo yeah now this is a story about just a horrible egg covered in its own mayonnaise that's what i wish i wish i could write about but this story you know we were talking about doing an episode in this story and it is a bit thin but i did

like the story enough to do something with it now this is the story of the kexberg ufo incident oh there is a book though that i did base this on it was called The Kecksburg UFO Incident by George Dudding. It is a 35-page book. Not very exciting. No. That's a pamphlet. It's a novelette.

But he did write, I got this story of James Romansky from him, and we will cover that. So I'll start from the top. All right. The Kecksburg UFO incident is a simple affair, but it does take place during Christmas.

So I thought I would share the story for the coming season. On December 9th, 1965, a glowing object traveled over central Pennsylvania and crash landed, quote, outside Kecksburg, which is an hour from Pittsburgh. If you've ever been to central Pennsylvania, then you know the area. Dense brush, sparsely distributed population, lots and lots of raccoons on stolen methamphetamine. It's called pencil tucky for a reason. Now that night.

Thousands of people have been able to see the UAP. There were reports from across the state and even from Ontario, if you can believe it. I can. Many accounts match the original. We saw a giant ball of glowing light. It passed over the trees and landed with a blue smoke, vibrations, and thump.

On Christmas? No, on December 9th. It's just a Christmas time. The only one that got really close to Christmas, the only UFO story that actually took place on Christmas, was the Rendlesham Forest incident, which we've already covered very deeply. So this is the closest one I found. Now, this is what this actually was so widely seen that it was reported on in a local newspaper, the Greensburg Tribune Review. They reported.

The area where the object landed was immediately sealed off on the order of U.S. Army and state police officials, in anticipation of a close inspection of whatever may have fallen. State police officials there ordered the area roped off to await the expected arrival of both U.S. Army engineers and possibly civilian scientists. Local military personnel arrived.

They went looking at where the supposed mysterious crash vehicle had crashed, and they found nothing. The explanation to this day, and it still is, is that it was a meteor bolide that burned up in the atmosphere. In 2005, there would be tests of supposed leftover materials from the untrustworthy bastards over at NASA who would contend that it was, in fact, pieces of a small Russian satellite that had broken up over as it was kind of descending back.

into our atmosphere. And that's the official story. But the good people of Kecksburg know that something a little bit more mysterious happened that night. Now, they have a UFO festival every year. It happened this year in June, the Kecksburg UFO Festival, where they celebrate this.

There's not much going on in Kecksburg otherwise. Sure, yeah. So this is a big part of their story because they know what really happened. Small towns have to grab on to whatever little thing they have for their festival. Now, there are distinct things we know about the story that only came from one person. person by the name of james romanski and so what i've decided to do in order to add to the season okay was to write a poem from the perspective of james romanski

On the 9th of December, 1965. Now, I've written this poem in the style of Christmas entertainment. It tells the story of local fire brigade volunteer, James Romansky, and what he would see that night, which would change. Pennsylvania faster than John Fetterman's stroke. Twas the 9th of December and all over the land of Kecksburg, PA there were many a witness at hand.

The Iron Cities were sucked by the hemlocks with ease, as hopes for a stellar's win would warm up the freeze. The Ruskies had sensed by satellites that night, while hopes that compromise could appear in their sights. With Eileen in her panties and I in my cap, we just gozzled our nog for a long evening's crap. When out on the jawn, there arose such a thumpin'.

I sprang for my beanbag chair to see if it was something. Away to my Ford Expedition, I flew like a flash, scraped the ice away, and put my gun on the dash. Orange lights on the slippery asphalt aglow gave a luster of vagus to the objects below. But to what did my red watery eyes did appear? But a bronze acorn-shaped craft. surrounded my military gear. With a little gray driver who buzzed like a bee, I knew this little jagoff must be an E.T.

More rapid than beagles, his plasmoids, they floated. Many state lines had crossed, each one of them noted. over Detroit and Pittsburgh and Arbor and Windsor. I'm finally here in Kecksburg to scare this old Yinzer. And then, in a crinkling I heard in the grass, A man with a rifle had it trained on my ass. As I screwed my head in and was turning around, through the forest, the men in black came with the bounds.

They were dressed up in suits and scaring my boss, Fire Chief Ed Myers, and he yelled, Hey, you get lost! A group of soldiers tied the UFO real tight to an 18-foot-long army tractor brought earlier that night. The edges, how seamless. The doors, non-existent. And a luster so matte you'd swear it was pigment. That's close, that's close. Sideways rhyme, it's fine. It didn't work, yeah. Its dome wingless top was as smooth as an egg.

And it flattened on bottom like a beast natty keg. And with a crack of a walkie, the men got to hauling. My boss and the G-Man, they ended their squalor. Ed pulled me away and he held me real close. He whispered real quiet, don't talk or we're toast. And he gave me a piner of old Wynton's bourbon as the smoke from his cigar made a cloud like a turban. The tractor pulled out.

its tracks covered by dark, and the fixers, they covered the evidence and bark. But I heard Ed exclaim, as he drove out of sight, Merry Christmas to Yims. And don't drink and drive.

I did have to change the Pittsburgh ending. It was wonderful. I loved it. Did you get the story? Yeah, I totally got the story. He was called out. He was a volunteer firefighter. He got called out. He saw the bronze. You can see here, that's the bronze object that it's now famous in Kecksburg, the acorn-shaped UFO that it's famous for. Acorn's such a nicer way to say butt plug. Yeah.

I was just going to say mound of feces. That is an acorn shape. And so, yeah, that's the story. And Esau loaded up into a tractor and then it was driven away. And for some reason, none of that could ever be corroborated. For some reason. Well, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everyone. Happy Holidays. It's Christmas time. It's Christmas time. Don't even fucking worry about it. It's Christmas. It's Christmas. It's Christmas. Don't go to the zoo.

Stay out of the zoo. Do you know what you do for Christmas? But flog some motherfuckers. You know how you bring the zoo to you? Look it up on the internet. Watch it on YouTube. Yeah, there's a whole National Geographic channel. Watch one of those weird things. You know when Asian tourists just film a bunch of stuff with their iPad? Find one of those. Yeah. And this Christmas, when you're sitting around with your family and the song White Christmas comes on, make sure...

to tell him, did you know this is about Irving Berlin's dead infant son? And then you go, psycho. Shit. Favorite lines. And go to patreon.com slash last podcast enough to give us money to watch us perform. And then you're going to go. You can see our bodies. You can also see us live on last stream on the left. Not for the next two weeks, though, because we're off. We're on vacation for the holiday.

season, but we will be back in January 6 p.m. PST only on the Patreon. And for all of your social media, I guess the term would be needs. Go at LP on the left for all of our socials and go see our new YouTube channel.

channels while we are gone we are going to have a bunch of fun material is still coming out into the youtube our bloodbath shows are rolling out we're not we're saving the ending for after christmas break but you're going to get other material oh that's yeah oh yeah we have other material you're going to get the episodes, you're going to get the episode zeros. You're going to get a bunch of stuff in there between. Hell yeah. And then come see us. LPN TV on YouTube.

If you're looking for that last minute Christmas present, bring them to see us live on the road. Tickets are available January 31st. We'll be in Philadelphia. Dude, got to come to the show. It's going to be our Philly show is going to be a fucking blast.

It's already selling like fucking crazy, but we got, it's such a big venue. We have so much more room. It's going to be wild. So come see that. That's going to, I can't wait for that. February 28th, Austin, Texas, March 13th, Indianapolis, April 25th, Cincinnati. May 29th, Pittsburgh.

Maybe we'll stop by Ketsburg. I'd be down to go, well, we can try to get out there. Yeah, who knows? Yeah, it's like an hour and a half out there in the middle of nowhere. Too far. June 27th, Grand Rapids, Michigan. July 17th, Tulsa, Oklahoma. July 18th, Oklahoma City. Also, January 4th, I'm going to be at Oxnard Levity Live with Carolina Hidalgo.

Jake Young, Holden McNeely, and Julia Johns. Come check us out. The show starts at six. I'll have you home for dinner. It's incredible. It's going to be a wonderful time. I can't wait for it. We're going to change. We're going to see the change. We're going to be the change, boys. We're going to get the six. clock show going. I don't care what anybody fucking says, man. Six o'clock shows. It's really fun. I really enjoy doing it. Six o'clock fucking shows. Think about it. Think about it. But...

When I go to San Francisco in February, Wednesday, February 18th, it's going to be a 7.30 p.m. show. We will be talking about the ghost of Tatiana with Grant Gordon and my wonderful wife, Julie Rosing, going to be hosting that show. It's going to be a lot of fun. Come and check me out. She'll just be happy to see a lady kill a bunch of men. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So we're going to take a couple weeks off.

We're going to go say bye-bye and hang out in our various homes and vacations and things like that. And then when we come back. But it doesn't matter. You still get plenty of stuff. We're putting out updates. It's going to be a lot of fun. But just so you know, when we come back. 1926. We're coming back hard. We're coming in with a

Big old true crime story. Modern true crime story. Oh, hell yeah. And we're coming in. Is that the one I think it is? Yes, it is. I'm very excited. And 2026 is it. We have a lot to come. We also have the next head on the... Mount Rushmore of Evil. That will also be coming very, very soon. We have other things, so be on the lookout. I'll see you next year! Fuck you! Fuck!

Enjoy the last updates for the next couple weeks. Hail Satan, I'm sorry. Hail, uh, hmm. Tatiana? No. Oscar Peterson. Yeah! Love Oscar Peterson.