Episode 598: The Horrible Lives and Deaths of the Saints - The OGs

There's no place to escape to. This is The Last Talk. On The Left. That's when the cannonball some started. Where are Mother Teresa's bones? Are you quizzing your fucking ass? I would know. I would feel the sharks. Where are Mother Teresa's bones? I have a business opportunity. Listen, where are Mother Teresa's bones? I'm looking it up right now. According to House, she's in the Mother House. Of course. Yeah. Oh, the Slire. The Mother House. Is Black Lire. What?

Is she in Calcutta? She is in a... Where is it in Calcutta? I think it's next to Calcutta Cleveland. And it was in... Yeah, Mother Teresa's tomb is in Kolkata. It is in Calcutta. Because she had such good memories there. Absolutely. She laughing, laughing when she was telling people they couldn't have their food. No, she was like, whatever favorite things would be like, look, it seems you have dropped your testicles. But I'm saying we got

a little way, Tari. Oh, can I eat your nose? I eat your nose. Mother Teresa, if we smash her bones and we piss all over her bones and we take that piss because of the magic of Catholicism, the piss becomes magical. Then we're making our own magic piss using the bones of Mother Teresa. And that's called money making money because piss is cheap. You're just going to priest to bless your piss. No. Yeah. No. It's got to be filtered. They do

this shit all the time. You got to filter it through something else. What they do is, in one way they keep saying, bones, they, this is true. They smash them up into little Doritosized pieces and they put them in giant vase and then people pour oil in the top that comes up the bottom. So it runs all over the bones and then magically the oil becomes

magic because of the bones, the magic bones. Yeah. And that's why when you piss in it too, that becomes magic piss and God has to like it because God set up the fucking rules. What was it? It was man who did it. Well, I'm going to last podcast on the left ladies and gentlemen. Technically, this is a magic episode. My name is Marcus Parks. Bring me Mother Teresa's bones. I want her skin. I want her organs on her face.

I'm here with the entrepreneurial Henry Zabrowski. That's all you need. That's the collateral. I heard Saint Francis of a CC gave his bones to the dogs because he liked animals. You know, is it true? It's a true side stories help you to get all the Gmail.com. And if you're emailing me though at the same time, send me him on the Teresa's books. And we're here with the fun fact filled Ed Larson. That's right. Man, Saint Jerome. He loved playing

with skulls. Yeah. He did. Who's that? Saint Jerome. The actual Saint Jerome? Yeah, the actual Saint Jerome. He's known for loving skulls. Yeah. Well, the picture I saw him. He's holding the skull and looking at it like a sandwich. I think sometimes that was what TV was. He gets with the face. You should look like why won't you talk to me one day? I'll bury you. Not this day. And this day I turn you into a pong. That's right. Saint Jerome.

Old Saint Jerry. They're real as I'm the only Protestant bastard in this room, both of y'all are Catholic. I'm fully I'm indoctrinated. I'm in the Colt. I'm fucking I'm confirmed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can you can't leave if you're confirmed. What's your confirmation name? Xavier. Oh, Xavier. I did it because of comic books. Cool. Yeah. And I'm Saint Popo. They sags. I wanted to pick the dumbest name in the same. You know, like you truly were sort of almost

like a brave figure in a way because you were openly against God. Yeah, I hated it in Catholic school. Me too. I used to call me a little devil kid and used to do this at me. No, I used to always tell them that it doesn't make any sense. And then when I left Catholic school because I hated Catholic school one day, I told my parents that if they sent me back to Catholic school, I was going to fail on purpose. So then I then I then I then I truly only did it. Then I told my

Jewish father. I was like, I want to go to free school. And then then I was able to go to nice school. They sent me to a CCD to finish out my learnings. Sure. CCD that sounds like a fucking Jew. V Center. CCD is the Sunday school essentially for Catholic. Yeah. Well, you got to go on Sunday or like after school to learn about Catholicism more. But the thing is I went to Catholic school. So I knew more than the fucking teachers did. And so I'm just sitting there playing on my

ass and every time they're like, oh, you seem to know a lot. And I'm like, ask me something. You asked me something about Jesus Christ. You know, I fucking got your ass, man. Yes, what? Jesus was Indian. Wasn't he? If he was anything, I don't think he was Indian. I think India is a really long ways away from the Middle East. He was Asian. He was Israeli. Yeah. I don't know. Now he's worm food. To put it simply, the reason why we're talking about saints is precisely because

of how they become saints. Their significance in Catholic orthodox Anglican and Lutheran churches come from their acts of holiness, sacrifice, and martyrdom, aka magic torture and getting murdered. Fuck yeah. Yeah, honestly, it just sound like a fun, like topic altogether, but only religion can make this boring. But because of the horrible fates of the saints, they're considered closer to God than the average Joe. And they have some of the worst deaths you can imagine that usually come as

a result of religious persecution. Well, especially if your main dude is the flayed, savior boy, you were of course, then going to view that as as good. Oh, yeah. We're going to get into that angle of ear in a bit. It's weird. It's like if you're a good guy and you just help out everyone and then you die a cancer, no one gives a shit. No, you have to get your fucking guts turned into jump ropes. And I think that that's a thing that we should start talking about. I

think that too many people get called survives. Yeah, these priests just die of natural causes. Yeah, they just get to go up and flay in them. Mother Teresa should have been cut in four parts. Like if we were really going to make her a saint because they can't cut her into more parts. Thank you. Thank you. And that comes from the punishment center of the Vatican. Well, today we're going to start with the OG saints, the ones who existed before the

advent of the Holy Roman Empire. This was a time when Christianity was decidedly more magical. And Jesus, according to the stories, would pop down the earth from time to time to kind of sort of help out sometimes maybe. Hey, you know, hey, it was going on everybody. You, hey, you blind? And now you can see, see, oh, I'm up back to blind. Funny times. Where are you from? Please do not give me marbles to hold. No, I'm not. And I science to the hourglass.

Well, in a way, the stories of the saints, they're sort of like DLC for the Bible. It's bonus content. Saints build on the original concepts of God, Satan, demons, and angels intervening in the lives of everyday people, except with saints. It's done through lightning strikes or miraculous healings. And they involve a whole new cast of characters and a whole different kind of story. Yeah, it's like a different stroke. You remember different stroke when they go into college?

Different world. Different strokes was good. I was talking about what I thought you meant. There was like a spin off of different strokes called different strokes. Different strokes. String just the father. The father of that having a stroke of dread and figure out how to mature. God, I love the old television. They don't make shows like this anymore. But the upside to being a saint is that according to some, you're allowed to skip the line and get directly into

heaven instead of waiting for the day of judgment like everyone else. Or at least that's how it worked way back when ancient Christianity has almost nothing to do with modern Christianity. Like what it all turned into from the old, old, old days like right after Jesus Khorukot died. Like this is like it really was much closer to the ancient pagan like actual magical process

thought. Like it took a long time. They had to make it white. You know, they had to take it out and they had to strip all the fun out of it in order to convince you the parishioner that you had no power. And that you had to speak through the priest that is the only person that could gatekeep God. Right. And that took a long time. Scientologists of the day. Yes. No, yeah. Yeah, because everyone's like, what the fuck are you talking about? No, it's 20 gone. So fucking it. Yeah.

Well, today canonization is a whole different deal. But we're going to cover the more modern saints and how they come to be a part of the lore in a future episode. This is pre-constant and no pill. Linean pre can pre constant and opalion. And you'll have to wait here. Saints of the fuchsia. I am shaped 45794. I am in charge of our plastic angels. And a Jewish. Oh, cut off her breasts. Really fun stuff. That's a funny sketch. Really.

Just a room of malfunctioning robot saints is a really fun idea. But the thing about the saints is that they make Christianity a little stickier. Because not only can you pray to God God for the big stuff. Big arch, big umbrella stuff. Yeah. You can also choose a personal mascot for your faith who can protect you from illnesses

and situations while also assisting you in your profession. They are middle managers for the Godhead who was supposed to literally be the most powerful creative force in the face of the planet. But what this shows you is that sometimes God doesn't care. And then he needs to pass you off to his other guy. Oh, you want to do well in your roller skating competition? Uh, talk to saint rollus of furries. The guy in saint of wheels. All right. I got to do shit like make

volcanoes that kill deer that no one can see. Well, saints don't perform miracles per se. Only God or Jesus are supposed to be able to do that. They can intercede on God's behalf. For example, if you're a sailor out at sea during a storm, you can pray to saint Nicholas Christopher or Elmo. And one of them might tell you to take a right instead of a left while the ship is getting tossed. And suddenly that roll and barrel that might an octave overboard,

it misses your path. Maybe. Maybe. Similarly, if you're having problems with something in particular, like say you got a problem with your feet, you can invoke saint servacious. Yes. And he shows up. Yes. This little piggy went straight down my throat. I love the New York. Yes. Yes. He's the patron saint of foot ailments. Oh, good. So he might help you out with your foot problems. Or at least he could give you some comfort. It's like the guy that got caught

for sucking all the toes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, the guy in big bear, there was like breaking into people's homes and sucking on their toes while they were sleeping. Oh, real saint like I behavior. You see, this is what is interesting about the function of the saint is that it comes out of the very, very OG way of practicing Christianity. So for a while, like when it first started, I was watching I watched a good documentary on it. And they watched

the Christian church would they'd have some formal churches and temples. But that's not really the main way because they were the way the religion developed is that actually had developed in secret. And part of the way it developed is that the the worship services would largely be in crypts. They would go in a ground. They would go into tombs. And also most of the time the way these

functions did is that there was a loose group of believers. And there was a guy that would be the intercedent for you and God, they believed this, this guy was that he was holier than all the rest of us for some reason, probably because he dictated work. And then what he did was like say they would pray to him while he was alive. And then what would happen is that he would die. And then that

person would be then their bones would be put in the crypt where they're working. One thing they noticed is a very early Christian establishments is that when you went into a crypt, there would be benches and you'd have bones all all all around them. And you'd see written words written on the walls to the bones as intercedents for them to talk directly to God. Because again, God's pizini doesn't give a fuck about you. So he need you need an agent. You have to you're supposed to have an

it is what we believe in Catholicism representative representative. So when that guy would die, that's where all this started where this guy a person that do and then it would eventually become like what if that guy was like a super popular version of that? The guy that would die and then when he was dead would then become the direct way to talk to God. And this was also based off of

the hero cults of the Greek and Roman myths like things like Hercules. Those are based off real people like those stories are all based off real actual heroes of the time that then people would use as an intermediary and largely this kind of because comes from the fact that we as humans love polytheistic religions. And this is a way to cheat that inside of it. And we also love novelty. You know, we love something new. We love a new story and we love having variety.

Yeah. Yes. March. Yeah. March. Rebeads. Oh, dude. It's merch out the fucking Eon. And it's fucking Necromancy. Yeah. His whole thing is Necromancy because it's about talking which is the reason why nobody else like the Catholics because we had this little function where everybody else had like essentially they could talk directly to God. God wasn't busy enough for them. Yeah. And also cannibalism. Yeah. Yeah. Because you eat Jesus and drink his blood. That's a god. That's

later. Yeah. Yeah. We'll get to that here a bit. Saints also serve as examples because the whole point of the saint is that they were persecuted for being Christians but never wavered in their faith. Today though, saints are more used as models of endurance. A story to point to as to why you should still come to church and give them your money week after week, even though your life still fucking sucks. Like Saint Cal Ripken Jr. I cooked them nachos once. How was he? He was delightful.

That's delightful. Well, I never met him. But you know, wait, you said he was nice. And then they stole his mother. Well, the problem is that because of the continuation of these stories of oppression, because that's what saints stories are, especially these old ones, the stories of Christians being oppressed, many Christians today still have a massive persecution complex. They just can't fucking drop many or all. And they really do need to drop that fucking persecution complex for all

our sakes because the persecution we're going to be talking about today is 2000 years old. It keeps coming. Yeah. And it doesn't keep coming. It ended a very long time ago. Also, the persecution here is you got to they are using it as propaganda. Yes. Within the church to say, don't you want to be a saint? The way you do that is to make sure you die extra gnarly for Jesus Christ. And it has to make that gnarly death like an advertisement like we want you to do this. Like, please, please,

we flipped over on a grill four or five times. Now amongst many other sources, kudos to co-producer Madeline Shaw for gathering them. We also used a book called Saints Preserve Us by Sean Kelly and Rosemary Rogers and our quest towards today's Hagiographies. Saints Preserve Us. Now, it is believed that suspicion of Christians and their subsequent persecution began in 64 AD with the great fire of Rome, which burned for six days before being reignited to

burn for a further three. Good rocking roll. It was rumored that Emperor Nero created the fire himself to rebuild his palace and some of the more rundown parts of Rome so he could increase taxation. It's basically engaging in an extreme form of gentrification. But when we were in the British museum, I was reading a thing about Nero. Like, as he was sitting there and it is interesting, as largely the stories about Nero seem to have been because he was so popular and young and

then eventually blames a lot of stuff on him after the fact. But no matter what the real story is, Nero still needed someone to blame for the fire that had swallowed much of Rome. And Christians were convenient scapegoats. See, before this, people didn't really give a shit about Christians

one way or another because they had no bearing on how people lived their daily lives. But because they were seen as having such bizarre beliefs, what with their one God that was also a man but also a ghost, they were easy to otherwise in a society that worshipped thousands of gods. Because the older religions, God is a lot more nebulous. And what the Christian religion did was essentially, I feel like, maybe I would obviously speak in entirely out of school, but it really

seems that they liked the concept of he started that God started as a dude. He started as a dude. It shows you it shows you what you could do in this life if you're just making up. If you're just just home enough, you to become the ever loving Lord of all existence. You know, never made any sense to me because it's like, is he God of just earth? You know, or he's, we know, no, no, he's not also a charge of the moon. Yeah, the heaven universe. Yeah, the entire universe. Yeah, the heavens.

Yeah, the heavens are also like heaven and the heavens are two different things. But then some people say heaven technically was a planet and a place that was considered for a long time. So Jesus is earth's delegate. As far as we know, you're talking like this is gem talk. There are. This is the we're in a cult store talk. You're slowly going to be covered in turquoise and I don't you you're not allowed to go to Sedona with this line of thinking. All right, I can't

allow you to go because you're going to come back like you're going to not wear pants anymore. Yeah, and you're going to be talking about the Pleiadians and I can't deal with that. I know you're this far. I know that it's funny. You think it's me, but I think that you're the closest to start showing up in a tunic. I mean, what is the aliens coming? What are them wearing across? God, what are fucks? Oh, we're on fucks. I feel like they would I feel like they would do it

much like what we were talking before the show. That's like a punk thing. Well, to redirect the anger about a fire that destroyed nearly three quarters of Rome, Nero ordered that roughly 900 Christians be punished for starting the fire and keeping it going. Some were crucified, but quite a few were torn apart by wild dogs. Yeah, they liked that over there. Yeah, they really fight him. I just want to be able to say that once. Say what?

Crucify him. You can say it whenever you want. I do a lot. But you know, I mostly do it in the car. I do it in the dentist. Yeah. Well, that's how you should put Wendy. Crucify. Yeah, make her carry. Are sure we can't just give her the shot? No, no. She was having an example over the keys to dog heaven. Well, as far as the motivation for starting the fires went, it was said that Christians hated Rome and therefore hated all of humanity because of their worship of this one

God who was nowhere to be found in the Roman pantheon. See, the Romans, church, state, and private life were all intertwined, meaning that the fortune and strength of not only your day-to-day existence, but the empire itself depended on which God was mad at you that day. They'd been kicking it down

to the fucking single person for this whole time. So if you went against this notion by worshipping one God and if your religion had rule saying that all other gods were just different heads of your religion's bad guy in disguise, then that meant that you could fuck things up for everyone. And so the Romans began spreading rumors about Christians saying that they only met at night so they could eat the flesh of innocent Romans. Yes, yes, and engage and insist most foward. Yes,

fuck your sister, fuck your brother. Yeah, do it for Christ. Well, basically they took the concepts of the Eucharist and the Christian practice of calling each other brother and sister and they made them literal. They really did. They did the thing. It's like, it's a smear tactic, but they would just say every single time they would do these sort of activities, saying, call each other brother and sister talking about like the guys up. You guys fuck your brother. You fucking your brother.

Why did you do this? So can you brother dick? Even technically, I don't think that they even, well, dick sucking was around. They love dick sucking. I know. I know. God. Yeah. I don't think that's an issue. I actually feel like weirdly, I think it was the opposite where it was just like, you had all these fucking pains in the asses. Christians showing up and they weren't sucking dick. Yeah. And in Rome, everybody was already sucking dick and fucking and they didn't even have, I feel like

they didn't have concepts for like sexual identities in Rome. Like it was all just all over the place where it's just like they did it. They stunk it up. I remember we had the concept of a sketch that we never wrote that was called Jeffrey Domer time traveling police officer. Yeah. And then he goes to Rome and he's like, this is crazy. This is where I belong. Yeah. Remember that. What? Being gay isn't a thing. Where is legal? Oh, the cutting room floor of the murder fist

writers room. So many brilliant kids. Like through our fingers. Why art on why art we on Jimmy Kimmel? Well, Christians were also blamed for environmental disasters like plague, drought or earthquakes because their worship of one weird God was making the Roman gods really angry. I'm starting to think that we got to go back. We got to start talking to fucking Odin again. Well, the Roman gods were in posters. They were all fucking take their own the Greek gods changed their names.

Yeah. And all the Greek gods that were just like guys that walked around and gave them funny names. That was the problem. Yeah. Bad economy. I kicked out of the EU. It's been bad there. It's been bad in Athens. Yeah. No, yes. Christians were killed in absolutely horrendous ways. They really were ripped to shreds in Roman amphitheaters by wild animals for the amusement of the public. And they really

were tortured most terribly and burned alive on mass. I was like, and they call CM in the front row. People used to get pulled in all the time too. Yeah. It's like the front row was apparently fucking nuts. Yeah. I imagine. It sounded fun in the way. They had navy battles with crocodiles. Yeah. It was crazy. You remember what we saw it? Yeah. It's like how like they have that whole like underground section of theatrical stuff that would like lift. Man, it was awesome.

It was very cool. Yeah. Built in the year 72. I believe. Wow. Didn't memory any way. What the fuck? You smoke way too much weed. No, it's a random shake. It's put in there. It's literally sitting on a wheat nugget. That one thought. 73. Remember me. But sometime in the second century, stories began to appear of Christians being given magical powers through direct intervention by God himself or failing God, Jesus.

Now, obviously, this was propaganda designed to keep people in the faith because Christians could always believe that there was a chance that they could be one of the Christians whom God arbitrarily decided to bless personally. And the more Christian you were, the more likely it seemed that you

would receive God's favor. Isn't it weird? Like nothing to get to MSNBC about this. But like, it is interesting is that you see that statement and then you realize, oh, the Christians still think that they just think it about billionaires legitimately are like it's the same thought process. If I pay field to you to him enough, if I just am good enough, Elon himself will pick me.

Like, Elon's going to allow me to hang out and make me, he might. And I will go to, and I will go to heaven, which is, you know, a Tesla, Tesla, Tesla burning in the bottom of a canyon. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. Oh, yeah. But it obviously worked out quite well for the Christians in the end. And it instilled a sort of stubbornness in the religion that persists to this day. That's what Christians are. Stubborn.

Really fucking stubborn. It would not have worked, however, if the stories hadn't been good. And since humans love a good bloody story, I don't think they would have worked half as well. Have they not been as incredibly violent as they are? One scholar said that specifically, the stories were exaggerated. Yeah. Like it, it was to stoke a reaction. So yeah, I mean, we all want to have their hands cut off and their tits cut off and their faces cut off. We'd

like that. We all like that. It's a group. Also, it was told to each other like it was toss a word in person to person. They want to hear the answer cut a tits off. Oh, great. Thanks, Brad. Wow. Now, one of the earliest saint stories involved in enslaved woman named Blan Dina, who lived in what is now the city of Leon in France. So maybe it's blondie. Oh, yeah, I thought I was blind. Yeah, blind lady, you get back in your blind. D to get off the home. Yeah,

where are you from? Lion France. Yeah, stupid. Yeah, from truth America. See, this is during the reign of Marcus Aurelius, who had decreed that while Roman citizens who were Christian, they would be quickly beheaded upon discovering their faith. Non-citizens like slaves, they needed to be tortured first. So once Blan Dina was outed as a Christian, she was brought to the amphitheater of the three Gauls to be publicly tortured and killed. I love that name. Bring her

to the amphitheater of the three Gauls. You got it, boss. Blan Dina's out of the menu. Come on, yo. Now be careful, then Gauls. They'll steal your fries if you're not paying attention. Yeah, that's a big ass crime. I happen to have one knee down. Well, in the arena, she was bound to the stake and the Romans released wild animals, most likely lions or bears or dogs or what have you. And most of the imagery that you see of Blan Dina, it's lions, but the animal simply

circled Blan Dina and did nothing. So she was thrown back in jail much to the chagrin of the audience. She tasted like shit. Yeah. Yeah, as a problem, they didn't want to look. Sometimes maybe the periods ran away. Maybe the periods ran them away. Maybe she's pleased. The periods don't ran them away. You know what? That's some good math. It's just serious. Sounds like something would come out of the mouth of the fucking inbred family in a

time where I grew up. You didn't get maybe you scared. No, they don't like Frick's meat. Blan Dina a few days later. Blan Dina, you got jelly today. A few days later, Blan Dina was brought back to the arena where she was whipped, placed on a red hot grate, and enclosed in a net before being thrown to the mercy of an enraged bull. That finally killed her. But since she- Now that chagrin killed Blan Dina. It worked everybody. Good work.

But since she had prayed to God during her first round in the arena and he'd saved her at least once, she became Saint Blan Dina. You know, he should save you all the way. Yeah. No, he never does. No, he doesn't know. That's the whole point. That's why that didn't eat her because she was Blan. They put a little pepper on her, a little salt. Yeah, call me again when she's cumin, Dina. Oh, man, pepper, Dina. Pepper, Dina, pepper, Dina, you get over here. That's your

spicy sister, you know, Mexico. It makes total sense that martyrdom became a central feature of early Christianity because after all, the whole point of Jesus coming to earth was so he could be killed for the sins of humanity. Not if you asked Jesus early on. Maybe we could think about me just sort of doing this symbolically. But while there were absolutely people who went to their deaths, defiantly clinging to their Christian faith, people like Blan Dina, you're not going to

have much stickiness if it's the same story over and over again. So the lives and deaths of martyrs came to be greatly embellished with magic, just like Christians embellished the history of Jesus with magic. And that's if there really was a guy 2,000 years ago who was simply walking around telling people to be nice to each other. That's cool and everything, but it's a better story if he's a wizard.

They actually are pretty certain that he was. I doubt did some research and I'm not, you know, I've had so many people call me an edge lord 14 year old for saying that Jesus didn't exist, but there is yet still actual proof that he existed. But there is a, you know, there's there's some talk around it, but it seems like mostly was they were really confused about his ability to rile people up. Yeah. And he was definitely a human man with like a wife and like had a,

if that was all real, like then that's what he was just some guy who was a rabbi. Yeah, that's why Pontius Pilate famously came out and said, hey, what's the cool out mouth? Hey me. I want to do the stupid name though, Pontius. Oh, man, darn, you glanny, we don't got stupid names like Pontius. No more like me. My name is Caroglio. And he meets the ding dong's. Oh, yeah, Jerry ding dong's ready to paste the Christ.

Now just as there were magical relics stimming from Jesus like the Shroud of Turin, fake pieces of the true cross, and the spear of destiny, fake, the bones, ashes, and bloodstained clothing of saints have become magical objects too. And they're very real. And those are real. These were venerated in churches first in secret, then as tourist attractions for converts. Come see the bones of the boy saint, sissy anus, and toss a ducket into the plate on your way out.

They talked about it's true. It also fed the, you know, the merchant world. But they would have these though they first would start as like a secret worship place. Then it would become a public worship place where people would come and then they start selling like one of the most found artifacts of the day is these things that are little flasks, right? That people would collect the saint oil with. And they would point the put like exactly what I said, they would have

thing called like a rectory. I think it was called what it was called what they put the things in. It was like the veneration. Rectory sounds right. And they would collect it. But then they'd start selling the little flasks. And then eventually a whole market would devolve right there. And they literally, the saints became the first version of like bucky's like big old traffic stops that you go big rest stops that you go and buy shit. I mean, that's what you need to do

to get mother Teresa's bones, put some money on the table. Oh yeah, I don't, I don't think you can afford mother Teresa, but we probably get you some other little guy. Honestly, I just need one and you see one bone. Yeah. And the reason why I want mother Teresa just because she's the most recent and it's all like a lot. She's not the most recent saint. She is. There was that kid who just became a saint recently again, but they're all lies, dude.

Yeah, but there was a, there was like a 17 year old kid who just died and became a saint. I just feel like in the end, I want the sea miracle on camera if we're doing this now. Well, you don't have to have a mirror. You have to have a miracle to be attached to you. With mother Teresa, what they did was after the fact after she died is that some guy was like, I couldn't see before and then I prayed and mother Teresa's ghost. Now I can see it. And they're like,

done because she did a go she did a work or whatever. Oh my God. The latest saint, his kid, his name is Carlo Acutis. Oh, yeah, about. He's referred to as God's influencer and the patron saint of the internet. Yep. What was his miracle? He was a computer whiz. Was his miracle Taylor Swift's rise. He's the first millennial saint. Yeah. What was his miracle? I don't think you had one. You have to have a miracle to be a saint. I don't think you do. You do. I look at us have to like you.

No, they have to have a miracle attributed to him. Say it word. Uh, bought his way in. Exactly. He was a miracle. He was beatified in October of 2020 after the Vatican officially recognized that he interceded from heaven in 2013 to save the life of a Brazilian child who was suffering from a rare pancreatic condition. That was science. Second, Dr. Duda. Second miracle. A girl from Costa Rica suffered a serious head trauma after falling off a bike and Florence, Italy, but recovered after the

odds after her mother prayed at Acutis's tomb in a CC. It just means yeah, it's fine. Did you know real miracles? He was a sissy, huh? He didn't fight. But in the same vein of, you know, like martyrdom, the heroic displays helped convert people because if you're watching a person get ripped apart by wild dogs while basically seeing amazing grace, you're going to be impressed on some level no matter who the fuck you are.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now being a Christian and Roman society meant that you were basically cut off from everyone and everything else. It meant the true definition of a cult demanded you live a separate life from the rest of humanity at all times. See, every house marketplace, street and tavern was filled with pagan idols, signs of Satan in public events like festivals, sports and theatrical performances. These were always associated with the gods, which more Satan.

You also couldn't serve in the military or public office because all that was tied up in the gods as well. You also couldn't be in any sort of like cultural profession because that was also tied up in all the gods. And you might be asking yourself, how do the Jews fit in all this? Wars, Jews. I blame Dana. Where's Jews at? Pre-Christians. Yeah. Because after all, I mean, they were around for thousands of years before the Christians even thought about this yet. Jews was a Jewish man.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But basically it seems like Jewish people were grandfathered in because they just always sort of been around and they weren't all weird and pushy about their faith like the Christians were. So yeah, so that was basically it like they were part of the fabric of society. Yeah, basically like, I work with them. They're cool with us. They don't bother us. We don't bother them. Everything's cool. But then eventually would become, you know, they're always were then

persecuted in certain ways. Of course. Yeah. For sure. But they also, they were trying to push their religion on anybody. No. Yeah. Yeah. Specifically don't have an evangelical arm. Yeah. Now the Romans started cooling it on the persecution of the Christians after the reign of Emperor Diceus in the mid-3rd century, who came up with a sort of compromise. He decreed that all citizens of the Roman Empire except the Jewish ones had to present themselves before the local

magistrate and perform a sacrifice for the gods. After killing an animal in front of a local official, that magistrate would give you a certificate of compliance. Oh. Now some Christians did perform a sacrifice just to get the paper. Yeah, get it done. But most of them just faked the paperwork and that was deemed good enough at least for a little while. Yeah, that's good. Honestly, I like the I like old school red tape. And as a result Christianity grew from an estimated one

million followers to six million over the next 50 years. And by 300 AD churches were prominent in major cities across the empire. Now there was one final push during what was known as the Diocletian persecution. But Emperor Constantine the Great brought that to an end when he famously converted to Christianity and issued the edict of Milan, which gave all Romans religious freedom. Oh, nice guy. Yeah. But is he really Constantine the Great? Yeah, it's the column by me in

terms of how great was he? Well, you don't know, man. Yeah, we we absolutely know. We have a very good idea. So why is it great? Yeah, because he made Christianity legal. He doesn't know. He doesn't fucking know. Holy Roman Empire, all that stuff. Make Constantine great. I think, yeah, yeah, I think, but I like putting them on the spot really grind and shit to a fucking halt.

But during the time in between, after Romans decided Christians were a good scapegoat, but before Constantine made it safe to be a Christian for literally 1700 years now, a lot of Christians did die horrible deaths as a result of Roman policies. A select few, however, were remembered and their stories were rewritten to include even more magical properties than those written about in the New Testament, all to create the entities we now know as the saints.

Well, Constantine named Constantinople. You didn't know that. He built it. Yeah, that's an easy guess. Yeah, that's why it's called Constantinople. Now it's a Stambole, not Constantinople. Constantinople. Constantinople. Constantinople. Constantinople. Constantinople. She'll be waiting in Stambo, even Old New York, was once to Amsterdam. Why they changed it? I can't say people just liked it better that way. Amazing. Love that. Now our first thing today. Yeah, the go-go.

Now our first thing today is St. Lawrence. Died 258 AD. Larry, please. Yeah. And Lawrence was my father. He got burned to the stake by his ass. Pleasure to Lawrence. Well, he's the patron saint of cooks and comedians because he made a joke when he was being roasted alive by the Romans. Now, when Lawrence was a young man, he was friends with the future Pope, Sixtus II. When Sixtus was crowned Pope in 257, he named his buddy Lawrence, the Archdeacon of Rome,

the treasure of the church, and the keeper of the library of sacred books. You know, you could ask somebody better because I'm the kind of person that I looked at right now. I looked at like new material every day. I try to make sure that every time I go and they do it from bit, everybody's super entertained. But what I do, all right, that's me, Larry. I would have a soon the patron saint of comedians would have been Jewish. Let's say, you know, Christian comics.

This is Jim Gaffigan's saying. Oh, no. Yeah, there's the, they're saying to hot pockets material. That same year, though, the Roman Emperor Valerian told the Christian clergy to perform sacrifices to the Roman gods or face banishment. The year after that, he ordered the execution of all Christian leaders in the city and to create that anyone else who didn't worship the Roman gods would be reduced to slavery. But I don't know if I'm the kind of guy who wanted to be a slave,

I'm not going to work very hard. Look at my hands. Very soft, right? I sweat. Hey, it's off for me. I don't like being outside. I like to be an inside. I mean, he's nice little bench. I mean, a bunch of grapes. You know, I mean, like, would come down to it. I think that you don't really want me to be in there. Beans of a guy's slave. It's Saint Gleason. But Jackie Mason. I didn't know why I started doing Jackie Mason the other day alone in my house.

Oh, because he's fucking hilarious. Yes, great. Now, Pope 6 is the second was captured and executed quickly. But before he died, he told Lawrence to collect the church's wealth and distribute it amongst the poor. Over hearing this request, Roman officials told Lawrence that he had three days to round up the church's treasure and present it to the local prefect. And so Lawrence assembled a thousand orphans, widows, virgins, lepers and people with all manner of disabilities to the

prefect's palace. And when he was ordered to present the treasures, he pointed to his poor sick huddled masses and said to they were the church's greatest treasure. It's called irony. It's kind of fun, right? In a way, I did this and it's like, a fun thing. Wait, a little bit just, right? Oh, I said it's treasures because these people are frowning. Everybody here, they suck, right? Everybody here, they suck and they have no one wants to be around them, right? That's why I brought them. Huh?

You see what I'm doing? You went on the left? You went on the left about it. I hate them. The Romans predictably were not amused. For his disobedience, Lawrence was scourge, branded, clubbed, stretched over the rack and torn with hooks. Wow. The most famous torture, however, came when Lawrence was cooked. Come on, let's think about this. I don't know. Let's think about this. I think we've already done enough. His body was placed on a gridiron, which was a new technology for the time.

Oh, whoa, this is new. Whoa, wow. This guy got that new gridiron smell. I love it. Absolutely love it. And after he was roasted for a bit, he allegedly said, quote, don't me over. I'm well done on this side. And that's why he's the patron saying the comedian. Come on. I saw your life. I saw you smile. The first rose. Yeah. I wish you wanted like this. He supposedly survived and was able to baptize several other fellow prisoners

before dying in jail turns out they didn't want me well done that made me made him rare. Come on, everybody. Come on. As long as it was over, it's gonna be up to you. You seem to be smile. You seem to be frowned on me because my face is a sea of scotch. Someone throw some water on Charles. Our next thing, however, was not a simple archivist like Lawrence. Instead, he was a warrior, although he did seem to be somewhat slow-witted or at the very least easily influenced.

His name was St. Christopher and he represents travelers, very boatman and bachelor. Oh, okay. All the women in my family of St. Christopher statues are like metals in their car to protect them when they're traveling. Dude, he's that one. Yeah. Often, Christopher is invoked against nightmares, peril from water, and sudden death. But before he was baptized as Christopher, he had one of the worst names I've ever heard. Before he was Christopher, he was named

Reprobus. Oh, god damn. Yeah, he's reprobus. Reprobus. Reprobus. Hi. Hi, you know, hey, I'm a doctor. I work out five times a week and I have over $100,000 in all this my 401k. My name's my name's Reprobus Johnson. I also love to eat vomit. Yeah, tell his baptized. He's reprobus because I'm not calling on Christopher to save me. Yeah, because he honestly acts a lot more like a reprobus than a Christopher throughout his journey.

And depending on the source, it said that Reprobus was somewhere between 18 and 24 feet tall. Of course. In a time when giants walked to the earth. Cool. This is around third century BC. It was said that Reprobus served the king of Canaan until he became disillusioned and decided that he wanted to serve the greatest king in all the world. And so after traveling for some time, he believed that he had found the greatest king. And so he pledged his service to him. That went

all well and good until a menstrual appeared at court one day. Let's not blame the comedian. Okay, we did say or you really did this once. This guy, it's like he's just a comedian. You know, you can't have an opinion these days. Yeah, it was so hard to do comedy back then. When the menstrual performed a song and sang a verse that referenced the devil. And when the devil

was mentioned, Reprobus saw the king and made the sign of the cross. Reprobus, who was apparently quite brash, demanded that the king tell him what the sign of the cross meant and why he did it. The king said that when the name of the devil is uttered, he feared that the devil's power would overtake him and thus he did the sign of the cross as a form of protection. This told Reprobus that this king was not the greatest in the land after all.

So he left court to seek and serve the man the king feared. Satan himself. Fuck yeah, yeah, of course. I seek Satan. I refine Satan and I will work for him. I am. Repropropus. Sorry, my own. I don't think I can hire Reprobus. But according to your resume, it seems to be going very well. I also hate the stupid crossing that they do. It doesn't do it. It's famous for progress. Have you thought about shoving things and people's ass? To me, honestly, I'm looking at your CV. The first thing

it says to me is that this guy loves too long distance peg. L eventually, Reprobus came across a group of knights, one of whom was a cruel and horrible man. This cruel knight asked Reprobus why he was traveling. And Reprobus said, I'm out looking for the devil. What a coincidence the knight said, I'm the devil. Whoa, the ultimate switcher, dude. And so Reprobus bound himself to Satan's service. You just got yourself kissing a guy, man. That's what that is. He just got

picked up, dude. You know, it's like if a woman asks you if you're a god, you say yes. You say, yes. Absolutely. Yeah, I'm the devil. You're the demon. You could have been anyone. The idea of always kind of like the idea of like running into a first date and pretending to be a time travel and saying you got a fuck because you got to go back because the future is over and all the women are illegal. That's why it's good to fucking. That's the way you do is you got to come in and

with a character sometimes. Yeah. But one day as he in the devil were traipsing around the desert, they came upon a cross and the devil immediately panicked and ran away. As sticks. When asked why he had done this, the devil said that a very powerful man named Jesus Christ should once hung on a cross. And whenever he comes near a cross, he gets scared. So Reprobus once again changed allegiance and began his search for Christ. Oh, it's how they killed him. I already

said so the fucking yeah, he should love the cross. I never understood that. And so Reprobus is going to fucking he's a fucking fair weather friend. Yes. No, Reprobus is just he's just a looking for the most powerful guy. That's all he cares about around. Mm-hmm. Now after a very long and boring story in which Jesus appeared as a child and made Reprobus carry him across a river. Harry me. My legs don't work. Can't be cross forever. Food you ride Jesus. I'm turning piss in

the soda. No, suck my dick. Oh, I didn't know. Well, every character across the river, Jesus revealed himself and gave Reprobus a magical staff that would bear flowers and fruit when it struck the ground. Jesus then baptized Reprobus as Christopher. Your name is Christopher. Which means bearing Christ. Oh, because he carried Christ across the river. That's where the name Christopher comes from. And so Christopher with a brand new name traveled to the city of

Lycia to pray for and comfort Christians who were being killed by Romans. So Christopher is essentially like Christ's caddy. That's all that means. It's Christopher. Yeah. He literally carried Christ across the river and bearing Christ means carrying Christ. That's what it calls Jesus. It's also, you know, Jesus is also Jesus. They can only be one Jesus. They're going to be one Jesus. No, there's not. There's a millions upon millions of men named Jesus. Yeah, there's later

one people got fucking lazy. Now after visiting future martyrs in prison, Christopher was a tact by the guards. But instead of fighting them, he struck his magical staff into the ground. And when it bore fruits and flowers, everyone present converted to Christianity on the spot. And everyone clapped. This was enough to. I just branch from banana. It's just a banana. Yeah, you know, like this is just a fruit. This is enough to impress a local warlord named King

Dagnus who sent two knights to retrieve Christopher. But when the knights came back with Christopher, they'd also been converted along the way. So King Dagnus told Christopher that if he didn't sacrifice something to the gods, then in there, he would be tortured and killed. Christopher refused and the converted knights were beheaded. So King Dagnus sent two sisters named Nicaea and Aquilina to see if they could tempt Christopher into having an incestuous three. Fuck yeah. So killing

you didn't work. I never thought about getting fucked by two hot chicks. No, I actually haven't. But when they touched him, Christopher began praying. What a f***? Christopher began praying and the two sexy ladies were converted as well. Damn. Man, he flipped two holes. That's shameless. Can't believe he leaves the house. Not just two sexy ladies, but two sexy sisters who are willing to go fuck a dude together. They were about to go all around the world.

Yeah, I guess they did need Christ. When the sexy sisters also refused to make sacrifices, Aquilina was hung and a heavy stone was tied to her feet, which popped her limbs out of her socket. None of these people were made saints by the way. No. Nicaea was thrown on a fire then beheaded. Oh, well. And finally, it was Christopher's turn. First, he was brought before the

king and beaten with red-hot burning iron rods. Then he was bound to an iron chair where a fire burned underneath the seat supposedly melted like wax, but Christopher remained unharmed. The king then had him tied to a tree where he would be shot by 40 archers. But the arrows all stopped in mid-air just before hitting him. When the king advanced to investigate, one of the arrows turned and shot the king in the eye. What a man. There's a bunch of arrows floating in the

air. You don't go up and fucking fuck one of them. Yeah, what is this? The fucking you know nothing about Daffy Duck? Yeah. This was totallyifiable. Christopher then said that after the king killed him, he should anoint his blinded eye with Christopher's blood and it would be healed. It's a little fun, too. Yeah. Why are you telling? Because he's a fucking saint. Yeah. Christopher was then beheaded, but when the blood of Repropus was dabbed on King Dagnus' eye, he could see again

and the king converted to Christianity as well. Wow, whatcha know? That's amazing. It worked. Wow. Wow. Should it be deheaded instead of beheaded? Yeah. I actually wonder why it's not deheaded. Yeah, right? English is a funny little language. It really is. You know, because it's denuded. Yeah, when they take when they take your balls off, peanuts. See, we're having fun with English right now. That's what I do. Yeah, that's what he does. That's what I do by being a fucking moron.

One of the weird things about St. Christopher was not just that he was at least 18 feet tall, but that he's also often depicted as having the head of a dog. According to the Irish passion of St. Christopher, was that a fucking gay pornography about the troubles? He gave me a bitch. Bitch, I can fuck this dude. Oh, I bitch, you're cool. And I bitch, I'd watch and I'd jerk and watch and I'd say, who said that the Catholic and the Protestant can't come to God?

One, two, three, come. Oh, I can't come unless I'm thinking of my mother. And she will raise you up on English. According to the Irish passion of St. Christopher, he came from a dog headed race that ate human flesh and had tusks like a wild boar. Awesome. This, however, isn't the only place that dog headed men show up in religion and myths from this time period. You got the Egyptian God of Nubis, there's thousands of years before that. Oh, Jason and the Argonauts, they fought

dog headed men and Alexander the Great claimed to have fought dog headed men in India. But what's incredible about St. Christopher's that his representation as a dog headed man might come from a mistranslation. See, Christopher was from Canaan, meaning he was a Canaanite. The Latin word for Canaanite is Cananias while the Latin word for dog is Canaanis. So it could be that someone just wrote down the wrong fucking word. And all of a sudden, you got a dog headed giant is one of your most popular

and well-known sub characters in your religion. Shit like this used to happen all the time. You know, dogs got a good sense of direction. You've seen Benji. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For the traveler. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. Dogs are good for that. White Fang, you know, they're always traveling. Yeah. That one old Yeller whacked him. Oh, yeah. He was traveling straight to his death. Now while Christopher became popular because he was the

patron saint of travelers and almost everyone travels are next to him. They're definitely not driving. No. If the key is to make sure if you're a travel, and that's how you know, you can tell the police officers that you're traveling. I said, you have the same Christopher thing up there, and you cannot be arrested because you're not operating a motor vehicle in a business aspect. Travel our next same became popular because of a plague. And in the process also became sort of a

gay icon to boot. Okay. That would be Saint Sebastian. So Saint Sebastian was H-O-T-T-O-G-O. Oh, we're going to get into a bro. Now Sebastian was a soldier who joined the Roman military in the mid-third century as a secret agent. So he could be of service to Christians who were being persecuted by Romans. A closeted Christian. Well, very sexy. While in the military, Sebastian was promoted to the Praetorian Guard of the Emperor. I bet. Oh, yeah. That he was.

Oh, while secretly converting and baptizing other soldiers and civilians. My own special homemade white wine. It's there. Hope you like that aftertaste. It's more of a syrup than wine. Yeah, it is. It's more of a gollop. Don't put it in your pussy. Unless you want a little baby's Sebastian. But his cover was blown when two twin Christian brothers named Marcus and Marcellin were in prison for again, refusing to make a sacrifice to the Roman god.

You did it. I know Marcus is an ancient name. Oh, yeah. Very much so. Marcus Aralius. Wow. Wow. He's fucking Christ. Yeah. Marcus is the most Roman name there is. Yeah. Mark Anthony. Yeah. It's Mark. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. It was not more Roman names. Marcus pretty much up there. You don't see any eddies. No, we came around and once we got to Europe. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he started popping up. Edward did. Yeah. And Henry. Yeah.

Henry, I won't continue. I'm sorry. I did this. I'm sorry. I did this. Well, Marcus and Marcellin's pagan parents tried to get them to renounce Christianity. But Sebastian actually talked them into accepting the fate of their sons by converting the parents to Christianity as well. To sell them on it, Sebastian said that he would endure torture and death to show Marcus and Marcellin how to give their lives for Christ. But it actually kind of ended up working backwards. Yeah. He didn't want

to show how he could bottom for Christ. Just take it. See, before Marcus and Marcellin were killed, Sebastian went on a bit of a converting spree which led to his capture. A woman named Zoe, married to a Roman official, had been mute for six years. And Sebastian supposedly cured her by simply making the sign of a cross, which that don't make any fucking sense to me because that's

a miracle, which is something that only God and Jesus is supposed to be able to do. But the reason why they are so the reason why they, the miracles have to be attributed is because it has to show that they were chosen specially by God and that they worked that God, it's not them doing them are miracles. It's God doing it through them. And so that's and Jesus was supposed to be the ultimate example of your destroying the avatar of God that I've brought to you to open it up. Because

the whole point of the Jesus sacrifice is that he then opens heaven for us. Everybody can go to heaven. It's not just angels. It's not the most pure is that everybody can go if they follow the way of Christ. This is kind of the same thing as that he has to go through. He has to be in the middle man. And I also think he just asked a question for the first time because he's the only gay man that she's ever met. And when Jesus was flagged and he didn't bleed, that was the first miracle whip.

So it's wrong with this whip. What's wrong with this damn whip? But you're all just whipping each other out. But Zoe's conversion caused the whole cascade of conversions amongst local Roman authorities, which caused an equally strong backlash. Zoe was the first to be arrested, caught praying at the grave of St. Peter. She confessed to being a Christian and in probably the worst death out of all these, she was hung by her hair over a smoking pile of shit until she choked to death on the fumes.

I mean, that sounds nice. That's what you're doing. It has to do with it. She has to go into the bathroom. Well, we do this thing now where she sits on my lap when I shed. And she married life. Married life is amazing. I love chicken and the egging it. That's what we call it in our house. Yeah, yeah. I'm the chicken. She's making the eggs. Can you sneak one through? Ultimate gatekeeping. From there, the Christians that Sebastian converted, they were killed one by one.

They were stoned to death. One was drowned at sea with rocks tied around their necks. One was made to walk across hot coals before being beheaded. A few of them were just burned alive. As far as Marcus and Marcelineus went, their feet were nailed to a tree stump. And after they prayed all night to be saved, they were stabbed with spears when the sun came up. Again, he's not doing shit. He got it and do anything. That wasn't in the giving tree. I'll tell you that.

Oh, yeah, you never saw the nailing stump. I will. I will. I will. I give it. I give it. Sebastian, of course, was saved for last. The emperor he served, Diocletian, was particularly angry that one of his own guard had betrayed the Roman Empire so thoroughly. This is especially since Diocletian was at that time presiding over the biggest and bloodiest persecution of Christians in history. So Sebastian was bound to a tree where he would

be pelted with dozens of arrows. Once the archers did their duty, Sebastian's body was said to resemble a sea urchin, and he was left to die full of arrows. Ah, so, but when a Christian went to retrieve Sebastian's body for burial, she found that he was still alive. Go get my eggs. Is there any new sporing close by? Why? The Christian brought him home where he recovered, but he still couldn't just

fucking chill out. He stood at a staircase where he knew the emperor would pass, and when Diocletian showed up, Sebastian started heckling it. Sting as bitch. Sting as bitch. Oh no shit. Sting as the bitch. Now, for a moment, the emperor supposedly thought that maybe there was something to this Christianity thing after all. But I like this energy. Yeah. But after waving that away, the emperor said, nah, fucking kill him.

So his soldier's beat Sebastian to death with cudgles and threw his body in the sewer. No fix in that. The location of his body appeared to another woman in a dream who retrieved the body and buried him where supposedly the Basilica of Sebastian now stands. Burry me at the Sephora. But how Sebastian became a gay icon goes back to the days of the Black plague. See, arrows have been associated with the plague since antiquity, when Apollo sent plague tipped arrows to punish the sins of Agamemnon.

Likewise, the Bible uses arrows as a metaphor when God unleashes plagues upon humanity. But since Sebastian was on the receiving end of many arrows and survived, it was said that he could petition God on behalf of those infected with the plague. And since there were so many devastating plagues, Sebastian became a very popular figure in Europe. Therefore, when the Renaissance came about, St. Sebastian was a popular subject for many paintings and frescoes.

But for some reason, and this is how he came to be a gay icon because no Henry, Sebastian himself was not gay. Sebastian was invariably portrayed as a nude or semi-nude handsome young man with a perfectly sculpted and bound body, giving off a general sense of ecstasy and sensualism. Basically, all of his paintings look like a guy who's just about to come during a BDS obsession. My question is, is that do you think on some level, they would masturbate to this material?

Like I mean, I think this is a genuine question. On some level, who would masturbate to the material? The monks. The make the paintings. Like the people that made it. These are specifically don't masturbate. These aren't, no, you're, no, this is Renaissance painters. This is Renaissance. This is not monks. This is Renaissance, this is like fucking the masters. But then you're making him sexy. Yeah. Are we not like then jerking off at it? Because is this not what Porno was?

I mean, they make him sexy to be like him, Jude Law, like the sexy pope. What kind of the point was is that you could jerk off to him. Wow. Like you could jerk off to a painting of St. Sebastian. That's how sexy and homo erotic paintings of St. Sebastian were. But do they? Yeah. Well, the thing is that St. Sebastian was a favorite of Oscar Wilde. Yes. Oscar Wilde used Sebastian's name as a pseudonym when he was exiled to Paris after serving two years in prison in England, simply for being gay.

Keith Haring also used like St. Sebastian's imagery. But St. Sebastian really became important in the gay community during the worst of the AIDS crisis when a plague was indeed wiping out their community. And while he has somewhat fallen out of fashion, he still remains extremely important to some of the people who survived those times. Yeah, because he's sexy. Yeah, and also he's sexy and fun and he did do, you know, that was his whole thing. Yeah, and he protected against plagues.

So you know, when he did, he did. Medicine did. More cut it died. Yeah. No. No, black plague killed his man use it could. It really did its best. And I think that medicine stopped the bull AIDS in terms of working on that. Yeah, I wouldn't say it was the St. Sebastian, but it was a comfort for people, you know, like Matt like many saints are. Oh, yeah, that's why I fucking prayed to the fucking Noid. He helps me with so yeah, I love that guy. St. Noid, that is your saint. Yeah, yes.

Oh, the Noid is my saint, the Noid. Yes, Saint the Noid of a Seasie. Yeah. A peepie. The saint, the Noid of a peepie is one of my favorite of the favorite saints. No, a saint Sebastian is known as the sexy saint. Our next one, St. Lucy, somewhat lies on the other side. And she's often invoked against eye diseases, himrages, and the bloody flocks, aka dysentery. She's hideous. Well, she's alt. Yeah, she's alt.

Okay. She is, however, also the patron saint of sex workers, as well as the patron saint of blind people and ophthalmologists. That's a lot to cover. It really is. So many of these saints cover like nine or ten different things. Did you mean charge of all sex workers and ophthalmologists? It seems strange. It's a fun conference. Yes, I'd like to see my sex worker better. Oh my god. Linda. I've been paying my wife for sex. I love how you use your mother's hair. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's right there. Lucy was born to a noble family and Syracuse Sicily at the end of the third century. God, even Sicily has a Syracuse. God, don't go to the fucking Albany. The great Syracuse of the soul. And she was raised by her mother after her father died young. Her mother, however, had the bloody flocks, which is so named because its symptoms include bloody diarrhea. Flux meaning flow. We know bloody flow. Yeah, we are from the butt. Yeah, from your ass. With all the feces.

Shit, fuck, fuck. Yeah, I said out of your ass. My hammer is just so bad I had to rename my toilet to Sandi Hook. You like that? Are you happy with that audience? Is we're going to keep it in? And then you keep it in because we want to. Because we want to. And because the Sandi Hook parents won. It was extremely real. And the Sandi Hook parents won because they bought the fucking they bought info. We said, no, that we say this on the day that info wars officially went off air.

Yeah, the onion bought it. Yep. Wow. My God. Interesting time. Very much so. So, thanking that she was about to die, Lucy's mother arranged for her daughter to be married to a wealthy pagan family to ensure her future, even though both of them are Christians. And the meeting never hear that anymore wealthy pagan family. Where's the old money page? Yeah, we're, would the wealthy pagan families be today? I don't know.

And the meantime though, Lucy and her mother made a pilgrimage to visit the shrine of St Agatha who died 50 years earlier after she was stretched on the rack and her breasts were ripped off with tongs. About time. Get some breasts ripping. I was, I was, I was, yeah, yeah. How many saints can we talk about without ripping off breasts? Well, apparently miracles happen at the shrine of St Agatha. And after a night of praying, Lucy's mother, no more bloody diarrhea. I found a cork.

But, sorry, I just thought about that Sandy Hook joke again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in there. But again, in this context, it's activism. Yeah. But now that her mother was no longer in mortal danger, Lucy confessed that since she was a young girl, she'd wanted to remain a Christian virgin all her life. And since her mother had been cured by God, they should likewise give away all their wealth to the poor. This is why there's no more wealthy pagan families.

Yeah. Lucy's mother said sure, why the fuck not? So, they started redistributing their stuff to the huddled masses. But when Lucy's betrothed pagan, her that his dowry was being given away, he got a little huffy and told the governor of Syracuse that Lucy was a secret Christian. It's a George Pataki. This got Lucy arrested and interrogated.

And when she again refused to burn a sacrifice, the governor of Syracuse sentenced her to be defiled in a brothel where she would become a sex slave to disobey her of any notion of remaining of Christian virgin. But when the guards tried to remove her, she allegedly became heavier than a boulder. And she still wouldn't move even after they hitched her to a team of oxen. So, they figured, fuck it. Let's just burn her right here right now. Can we fuck her first?

But when the wood was set aflame, Lucy didn't burn. She was finally killed when a sword was thrust through her throat, though, which really doesn't seem to be the secret weakness of any saint. Because God, for some reason, just can't fucking deal with neck injuries. There's something about it. He doesn't like happening to help in the neck. It's hard to kill, lesbian. That's what I heard. That's what I heard for my father. That's where my grandfather, that's what I heard for my baseball coaches.

But it's time went on. Lucy's legend evolved to include for some reason, torture by eye gouging. It was said that Lucy for saw the end of Christian persecution. And she said this to the governor of Syracuse. So, he had her eyes removed. Other accounts, however, are far more dramatic. In one form of this story, Lucy greatly overreacted after a suitor commented on the beauty of her eyes.

After this seemingly innocuous comment, Lucy cut out her eyeballs and sent them to the suitor in a package and said, please leave me alone. Oh, Lucy is brat. You would have to pre-address that. It's going to be difficult to stand that in my bag. Yeah, get him wander outside your eye, your house, your fucking eyes. But, go don't money mail this for me! I didn't think about this through. It's four days sitting in front of her hut. You're like, postman? Where's the postman?

I don't want to view his in your lying to me. But the miracle was that even without eyes, Lucy could still supposedly see. Another of the female saints is St. Catherine of Alexandria, who lived and died around the same time as Lucy. Also born to a noble family, Catherine was intelligent, educated, and beautiful, and was known to say that she would only marry a man who surpassed her in nobility, wealth, comeliness, and wisdom. Okay. So, she was the saint of standards?

Mm-hmm. So, Catherine's mother, a secret Christian, brought her daughter to a hermit who lived in a cave, which I'm discovering was kind of a common trope in early Christianity. Because there was a whole side quest in St. Christopher's story that involved a hermit as well. They viewed that as the local holy man. That's kind of what they're talking about. Somebody that was specifically so, just so in tune with Christ, so they became sort of an aesthetic. Yeah, and he had to live outside of town.

Yes, hide and so on and so on. Hermits were the first people that realized what assholes were. Yeah, they're hermit- They were the first one to say, fuck all y'all. Yeah. But this hermit was supposed to solve the problem of how Catherine was going to find a guy that met her standards. So, he gave her an image of the Virgin Mary and the baby Jesus. Where's the hermit going? The hermit's that golden world the single guys are?

So, he gave her an image of the Virgin Mary and the baby Jesus until Catherine to pray to the image concerning her heart's desire. So, think that baby Jesus is going to make sure your koochi gets fucking filled. Well, baby Jesus is going to give you an answer one way or another. We're going to give you an answer. New one milk. Where's my daddy? Why is it here? Daddy's got a big old dick. He fucked mommy until she forgot he existed.

But Catherine did as she was told, that much to her surprise, the Virgin Mary appeared, holding the baby Jesus. And the Virgin Mary told baby Jesus to behold Catherine to see how fair and virtuous she was. She's fuckable. Yeah, unimpressed, the baby Jesus turned his head away and rejected Catherine. He never does this. Jesus, we came here all the way from the afterlife. Puzzled, Catherine returned to the hermit who introduced her to Christianity.

And that same evening, the Virgin Mary and Jesus appeared again. Except this time, Jesus was a guy, full grown man. Yeah, because all he did was have to look at her once. And he gave Catherine a ring as a token of her betrothal to him. How much you want to bet this is just the hermit. Just dressing up as Jesus Christ. He's got a local hooker helping him doing the Virgin Mary stuff. Slip in her some fucking trunks. Go, yeah, and it was a new verring.

Yeah, you're going to want to put this in your pussy. But unluckily for Catherine, the Roman Emperor Maximean just happened to be in town. And he asked Catherine for her hand in marriage. When she refused saying she was a bride of Christ, the Emperor condemned her to death by breaking on the wheel. Awesome. This method of torture, now known as the Catherine wheel, after Saint Catherine was quite popular in the Middle Ages.

First, the executioner would drop a big, heavy wheel on the victim to break their bones. Then the victim was tied to the wheel where the remaining unbroken bones would be broken with the cloth. Oh, wow. Yeah, it seems nice. Then the ragged limbs that were all broken, they would be intertwined into the wheel spokes. Then the person would be left there for hours or days until they finally died of their wounds or thirst. Very, very, very bad way to die. Oh, yeah, it's one of the worst ones.

Yeah, I still think that crucifix is pretty bad too, because he drowned in your own blood. Yeah. And then you said the one where the lady was hung over the flaming ship was robot, but the other one seemed worse to me where they tied the rock to her legs and they just like stretched out her bones. I do think that's worse too. But again, there's a meme that I've seen, but the first couple of seconds of that probably feel great. Oh, yeah, for a little bit.

Well, in Roman times, the wheel was usually reserved for slaves and Christians. So it was the wheel that Catherine was sent to. But miraculously, the wheel broke at Catherine's touch. Whoa. So the customary beheading was ordered. Yeah, a lot for fucking head off. But this time in what sounds like a visual from a fucking Ariaster movie, Catherine's body flowed not with blood when it was beheaded, but with the stream of milk. Oh, milk. Oh, it's milk. Everybody get your balls.

Catherine, by the way, was one of the three voices who spoke to Joan of Arc. Wow. Another one of Joan's spirit friends was St. Margaret of Antioch, the patron saint of pregnant women, servant maids, and sufferers of kidney maladies, as well as being a protector against diabolical infestation. Oh, wow. Thanks, Joan. Does she also shoot milk? No, dude. No, she's lame. It's not the same, man. She didn't even do it out of the titties, which is the fun way to shoot milk. She did it out of her head.

Time to go out of her neck. Yeah. If she still, if her head was still attached, she really came out of her nose. Someone said something funny. Gotta be careful. Like Catherine, Margaret was lusted after by a Roman official, but was thrown in jail for being a bride of Christ. Margaret was then tied to a stake and tortured by being beaten with rods and iron combs to rend and draw out her flesh from her bones.

After remaining defiant about her faith, she was taken down and placed in a cell where she prayed to God to reveal the enemy who was fighting her. At that moment, Satan arrived as a dragon and swallowed her whole. But when Margaret blessed herself, the dragon split in two. Awesome. Satan's like Evangelion. When he goes inside the creature. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't spoil it too much. I'm not watching. You haven't seen Evangelion yet. I know, but I'm still...

You've never seen the OG series of Evangelion? It's so much to go through. It is. It's a lot to go through. I'm really surprised you haven't watched all of it. And then we talk. And then we're friends. There's a bit of a barrier at times. Yeah, that's the idea. With, no, no, no, no, with me watching the shows. Yes. You know what I mean? And me. It's when they bring the penguin and... It's called fan service. And they're making fun of fan service. Are they? Yeah, it's the idea.

Pen Pen is making fun of fan service. Is that what it is? It's meta. Okay. Fuck Evangelion. It's also, I just can't stand to hear a boy whine for 20 hours. When you get to the end, it's good. Cool. I'm like that. I'm like that. But I am not as good. I don't like, I don't like the boy whining either. But I like it towards the end. Okay. Well, Satan then appeared in the likeness of a man who tried to deceive Margaret. Hello.

She, however, saw through the disguise flung Satan to the ground and stomped on his neck. Yes, please. In which he took her foot away, the earth opened and Satan returned to hell. While Margaret was beheaded the next day and sent to heaven. Oh, well, that's, I guess that's good. Yeah. She literally saved the earth from Satan three times.

Yes. But it said that since Margaret's story is so fantastical, what with the dragon and all, her feast day was removed from the Roman Catholic calendar in 1969. Matt Reeves is a good director, but he's ruined everything. Nothing, everything has to be grounded. It could also be, however, that the Catholic church, none too fond of women, weren't that comfortable with a super aggressive female saint. Can't say that for sure, though. Who knows?

But when it comes to legacy, one of the more interesting saints is our last today. That would be Saint Barbara, the patron saint of architects, firemen and minors, who was predictably invoked against explosions, fire, lightning, and sunbath. On a save you have time to pray to Saint Barbara before an explosion, you should be running. Yeah, Saint Barbara also lights all the explosions with cigarettes. Yeah, I do. Yeah, give me a curtain of menthol.

Again, she was a beautiful young maiden, hailing from either Lebanon or Turkey. Probably Lebanon. So beautiful was Barbara that her father hid her away so no man could see her beauty. And her only contact with the outside world was with her pagan tutors. Who are not going to be the horneous people in the face of the planet than pagan tutors? You don't even have to worry about keeping their jobs. Tutors are paid by the hour. That's a big work.

Now, there are many sources that all have a different answer on how Barbara was introduced to Christianity. But like all the other converts, she liked what she heard from someone and weird shit started happening after she accepted the Christian faith. Her father became enraged when he discovered she was a Christian. But when he drew his sword to murder his child on the spot, she ducked the blade and fled the tower in disguise to hide in a cave in the surrounding mountains.

Have you ever tried that when you're getting, like, you know, it is bad? You ever run from your dad? Yeah. Before you get the fucking spanking or whatever and then it always makes it worse. Do you realize that while you might be a quick small thing, he's a large fast thing. Yeah, he's big. Yeah, he's big. Well, yeah, you want me to talk about when my dad hit me? Yeah. Honestly, I'm already bored. Well, while she was in the mountains, she was found and ratted out by a shepherd.

Barbara later cursed the shepherd by turning his sheep into locust and turning the man himself into stone. Caz I am! Barbara was dragged back to the city and handed over to the local magistrate who sentenced her to death by beheading if she didn't renounce her faith. Not to whatever I want. I'm turning you fucking all your bullshit. You got a dog. I'm gonna turn you into rats. I ain't gonna whatever I want. I ain't gonna know how you can put me in jail.

When she said no, she was flagged with raw hide and her wounds were rubbed with hair cloth to increase the pain. But each night she'd pray to Jesus and he'd appear to heal her wounds so she could go through the whole thing all over again the next day. Alongside Barbara, however, was another Christian woman, Juliana. Oh. And together, their bodies were raked and wounded with hooks before they were led naked through the city amidst cheers and hecklers.

When it finally came time to execute the two women, however, the magistrate gave the honor to Barbara's father. Who, with a swing of the axe, beheaded his daughter and a public forum. Every father's dream. But at that moment, a crack of thunder was heard and Barbara's father was struck by lightning, immediately reducing him to ashes. Yeah, fucking daddy that blowed up! No, that's by his health. But he did behead her before he blew up. Yeah, I'd sell you. Oh, yeah.

Now, because of this lightning strike, Barbara is invoked against thunder, lightning, and accidents from explosions involving gunpowder, as well as violent workplace accidents of any kind. Oh, wow! Slip and falls. Yes, but yeah, she really is. She's the patron saint of Slip and Falls. But that's also how Barbara became the patron saint of artillery men and minors.

The most interesting legacy of Barbara, however, comes from Lebanon, where Saint Barbara's day was turned into a version of Halloween. See, in the local version of the story, Saint Barbara evaded Roman officials by dressing in a costume when she hit in the hills before the shepherd found her. Don't tell anybody, Spanamotaco. Ha! So, on December 3rd, the day before the local annual feast day, children in costumes, Rome neighborhood screaming, Hushule, you Barbara! Telling Barbara to run away!

While replicating her escape, that's cute! They then go door to door, collecting sweets and money in exchange for a song, or a bit of dancing accompanied by a tambourine or hand drum. And if the host gives a good treat, the kid will sing a song to compliment them. I like your treat. I thank you so much. I like to eat. You are... Ha! Tee-hee! Please don't cut my clutter off. But if the treat sucks, the kid will end their song with an insult and run away. Yeah. Get fat.

That's it! That's all I have! But perhaps, where Barbara is most popular is in Poland, where they hold a feast in her honor that has the most Polish name I've ever heard. Barborka! Ah! Happy Bourborka! Do you have you fondled your grandmother's press? Happy Bourborka! It is the... It is the season for big, even bosoms to be found laying in soup. You have barely touched your woman pie. Yeah, it's in the shape of a giant. Filled with poor corks. Ah, sweet, sweet Bourborka.

You get to five weeks off. I love Bourborka season. Well, Bourborka revolves around miners, like the people who mine. Yeah, not the children. Not the children, no. They're also miners. Yes, they are. Well, mining as a profession was... I'm not like... We work... Yeah! Uh, they're working, okay? They get paid almost five times a year in whatever their movement. Oh, you've seen this while, it's just a shirt that says, I love Bourborka. Wow, look at this! Same Bourborkas, but wow.

Continue on, I'm looking at pictures of Bourborka. Well, mining as a profession was held in high regard in Poland, especially during the Soviet years. Because coal, yes, it had high value, but being a miner was among, if not the most dangerous jobs one could have. You were the worker amongst the workers. And so to celebrate the patron saint of miners, Bourborka began with a mass followed by a parade where each mining company would have their own marching band.

A company by ranks of miners and their ceremonial mining uniforms specific to each company. Additionally, each company would sing their own distinctive mining anthem. The festivities would continue throughout the day, culminating in a firework show at night, and a gathering in which miners would divide themselves into teams based on age and rank. They would then roast battle with songs. Yeah, it's awesome!

And if your roast or your song was bad, you had to either drink salty beer or you were put in actual stocks where people roasted you further. And this was all done by the carcass me Puyini or loosely translated the brewer's lodgings. So this is like, well, this is like dude club stuff. So the miner groups get together and that's just all they do all night is they raise hell and they get drunk and they play pranks on each other. Yep, it's something a blast. They scream the word barborka.

Barborka! You know, it honestly sounds like a lot of, it sounds very interesting. I'm looking this nice because it's like because how important petroleum is to petroleum and salt to the Poland's economy. Yeah, yeah. And they say they hold miners in high regard. Yeah, crack out. There's a salt mine that you can go down into that's apparently a gorgeous. They like built a whole kind of a chapel down there that's supposed to be really fucking cool but I got claustrophobia so I couldn't go.

Is there a difference between like fresh salt? What do you mean? You got fresh, if you went down to the salt mine and you got some fresh ass salt. I think salt's the same. I think so but I don't know. So I don't know. So salt and GMO's are still like keep them good for a very long period of time. Yeah, but I wonder if there's different levels of quality of salt. I think so. I must be. I figured you'd know this. I don't know this. I don't know this. That's why I'm asking the audience.

I know those types of salt but I don't know whether or not if it's fresh salt. Like you don't really want freshly brewed beer. It's gross. No, I guess not. I don't know. I would have no idea. They have the boron on date. I know that for beers. You know, that's a big one for a while in the early 2000s. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. Yeah, and you wanted a fresh one. Yeah, you don't want because the old ones was skunky. Yeah, sometimes if you left them in the back, the bad fridge, they'd get skunky.

Each shit. Just so happy. Because I remember skunky beer played such a huge role in my life for a very long time. They really was. The skunky beer was a part of my life and then it just stopped. I don't know why. It's not like the beer got bad. You got successful. But I'm not buying a better beer. You drink it. Yes you are. Well, I guess I'd Madello's. Yeah. I guess it's not Reuben Box. Yeah, you can't take them in and out of the fridge. Yeah, and you can't drive with them anymore. Not in out.

Yeah, I wasn't, not like stealing Keystone Light from farmer's trucks like we used to do. Exactly. That should've got skunky because you had to hide it. Yeah. And you could drink it at school. Yeah, you could. Couldn't drink it until the weekend. You steal on Tuesday, drinking on Saturday. Diskunky Beer. And so Barbar. Barbar. Barbar. Where all those get together and talk shit that about things that no one remembers anymore. Even remembers Gunky Beer. Yeah, Red Dog Beer. Come on.

We've never caused a drive. When we start naming all of the specific beers that we have, this is officially, this is what you ask. Barbarca Day. Yeah, this is Barbarca Day. We're having our own Barbarca here, aren't we? So while these are just a few of the stories of the saints, we'll certainly be bringing you another installment in the future that covers the saints of the Middle Ages when shickets really weird. Because the old days, they used to vote the community used to canonize.

And it used to be more informal. But then as the church got involved when canonization actually became an official process, that's when, as it always does, it becomes like nephobabies essentially. But if the saint chariayanthing, whether it be with the Mormons, the Scientologists, or the Catholics, the key to growing a cult into a religion is always to have solid bonus content. Yes. Always expand. Yeah. Always expand your universe. You need a Patreon. Yeah, the Simerillion, the Thessaurus.

Yeah, that expands the dictionary, right? We've learned nothing. We've learned nothing we went through so much here today and we're not better for it. Yeah. I want to say thank you so much for being here. That's right. Because without you being here, we can't make our own future religion. Because I think it's huge for us. I've been, you know, aruminating on it. Yeah, we should. I'm not making about it. How do we get canonized? Oh, man. You have to sell the catalog. What if we lied at the church?

Oh, yeah. Try to get in. I mean, I've been lying to the church ever since I started going. Yeah. Yeah, at least they won. Confess like twice a week and I'm like, I didn't sin yet. So I just started lying about sins. Yeah. And you got you creative, sort of thinking about it. You're like, oh, that's a great sin. Yeah, I should do that. Do that. Yeah, yeah, that sounds fun. They were not happy when I started asking about dinosaurs. Oh, wow. They got real mad about that.

Bro, it's done with dinosaurs. It wasn't just a billhicks bit. Like, it was, they get really angry when you fucking ask about dinosaurs and you're six years old. It doesn't make sense. You were talking about it and it's like, okay, so all the animals that was the dinosaurs and then you get in trouble for asking questions. And it's like, if you were all of a sudden you're the kid with a big mouth. Oh, that's how it is. If you were good-ass priest, you would improv your way to unfold it in.

Fold it in. You know, that's the idea. You go like, oh, yeah, sure, dinosaurs. They angels. My Sunday school teacher wasn't ready for that. Regina was not ready for that question. Yeah. Well, she should have just told you. They tossed him in on that was our. Everyone knows that. Yeah, who knows? Yeah, then they drowned him. They were too big. Yeah, they drowned the dinosaurs when the flood came. No, it didn't. See, it's so important.

Never says he's a good guy, but he fucking drowned the dinosaurs. It's all he wanted to do. He's a murderer. He's the dinosaurs of the Natalie Woods of the Bible. Patreon.com slash last podcast and left speaking of DLC. You can get all of our extended adventures on the Patreon. We got BTS. We have live streams. Come see all of our fucking bullshit and shit on there. It's like you watch us wiggle around on there. Go to LP on the left for all of our socials. Take tagging Instagram.

Take tagging amazing. And go last podcast and left.com. We are going to be doing live shows. We're out there. We have so many fucking live shows coming. December 7th. December 7th is a big one. A New York Kings theater. I can't fucking wait. Cannot wait. Yes. And then after that, we're going to be in Atlanta in January. And then Dallas in February, Nashville and March, Detroit in April on 418, two days before 420. Not bad. And then on May 3rd, we'll be in Toronto.

But next week, next Saturday, Henry and I are going to be with Billy Wayne Davis doing side stories live. Cannot wait. At the Mateo Community Center in Humboldt. Yeah, we're going to be fucking have the goal is to make sure we can perform any. I know. Because Billy Wayne right before he said, I mean, a dad bar before the show, I think it could be after the show. Yeah, I don't think we should do a dad bar and then attempt to perform. I feel like we're going to forget to do the show.

I'm not going to do my fifth dab ever and then get on stage. No, because it's frightening. I did it in a podcast with Frank Castillo that was the, we he did it all with dabs. And it was one of those where it's like 45 minutes in. It's like, yeah, what I know. I'm like, you know, when you've been talking for so long, yeah, and they're all looking at you and it's like, what in the living fuck have I been saying? That's 45 minutes. Well, Frank, it's a psychopath.

I've seen him drink 100 milligrams and then go on stage and do 30 minutes. He's got to be careful. I don't know what's going on. That's taking the, the joy out of him. Oh, yeah, really dabbing and shit. It's like, you, yeah, exactly. You have to engage. You gotta live your life. I love dabbing, but I, that's for when I'm finally not talking to anyone. Yeah, yep. So let's dab a ball. Give it up to you, Barbara. Yeah. Yeah. Sparborka. Marborka. Happy Barbora. Happy Barbora. Yes, the beach boys.

They know beach boy. There is no beach boys. That is the beach. There is the beach in pop boys. Fun, fun, fun when they take my freedom away. It's honestly, it's very political. We'll follow that if it doesn't turn out. Hells it. Never. Oh, yeah, again. Hellbar, work. Yeah. Hellbar, work. Hellbar, work. The biggest belly button. The good nine styles of beer and a big whale of a belly button. building for a woman not wearing a bag behind bride not OK, bear with you. Wait. Walker wants more.