GameZilla Media.com Welcome to this week's episode of The Last Action Podcast. I'm MLPJ and I'm joined by a man who goes on cruises just to meet pre-teen deaf girls and make friends with them. Just friends, it's all plutonic. How have you craft you? I really don't like how you slowly have been turning your introductions, if you will, into really controversial jabs involving me, to be honest with you. Well, you know, I didn't feel like doing the timeline anymore.
Like a couple weeks ago, and you said I'd like tell people to call me like big dick or something and hang out in front of like high schools, who didn't do nothing to do with the movie other than the name of the guy. Yeah, whatever. It still works. People enjoy it. They tell me all the time. They're like, yeah, great intro this week. They call me. I mean, they DM me. All our 50s of fans. Sure. You know, whatever. We're winding out. Who cares?
Anyways, okay. So we're doing the first of our two wheel of pain movies tonight. Is this the first order? This is, yes, this is technically reverse order, although technically you could release them in whatever order. But I just said the first. Right. So it's going to sound weird. So this one's going out first now. Yeah. And this is also a fun one. We should say it's a case of where. What? Well, I was just going to say it was fun because it's a case of I watched movie three weeks ago
at this point. Yeah. So I had a rough week. Yeah. So our schedule, our recording was thrown off a week. So I watched this movie. Anyways, we're talking about speed two colon cruise control, which by the way, I forgot that I had that colon and that little bit of extra to the title, which I don't know exactly why it has. Oh, this movie, this movie didn't forget that I had a colon. This movie has nothing to do with cruise control, though. It's not a boat. What's a cruise ship?
And they're trying to control it. Yeah. All right. Well, you already sticking up. No, no, no, no, no, no, not even a little. I hate this movie. Sorry, it's my, sorry to tip my hand guys. This movie sucks. Carried down the table. Okay. So this movie is released June 13th, 1997. And I can, my background with this is easy. I knew it existed. I had never seen it before. I'd always heard it was, you know, one of the worst sequels ever made and just flat out a terrible movie. And yeah,
I had never seen it and never really planned on seeing it. And then I watched it three weeks ago. Yeah, I remember when this movie was advertised and I thought to myself, that looks terrible. He on a reason in it. I'm never going to watch that movie ever in my life, ever. And here we are. This is the first time I've seen it. I will be the last time I've seen it. And yeah, all the negative hype is true, guys.
I should say I watched it on stars. But I had to sign up for a description of the stars to watch it. But I got it for three months for $1.99. I just got to remember it too. Oh, actually, you know what? I need to check and see what I, because I actually signed up for stars so I could watch Operation Fortune. So I need to check and see if I'm running theta my three months of $1.99. Okay, so this movie has a budget of $160 million. And a domestic gross of $48 million.
And then worldwide of $164 million. But I'm sure it still lost a lot of money. Oh, yes, it had to have light. There is, oh, sorry. We'll get into it. I hate to talk about that. Okay, Rod Tomatoes on this is a poultry 4%. But that is, well, okay, it's complicated because it's actually lower than the 9% that Beverly Hills cop three on. But it's higher than the 0% that death warrant has. Which again, unwarranted. Like death warrant is better than zero.
Really, death warrant isn't better than this movie. I mean, the only thing that's better about death war than this movie is that it's shorter. Right? Then already that already makes it fine for me to not have gotten tomatoes. Which by the way, if you would ask me now how long it was, I would say conservatively like 8 hours long. It's like, it's like, movie is so long. But it's only two hours. But it felt so long. But there is, there's a salad 40 to 45 minutes.
Where literally nothing happens. They're not even on the boat. It does, it is kind of that crazy thing because it like, it does feel so well. We've watched plenty of movies on this podcast that are longer than this one. And I mean, if you count out the credits at the end, it's probably just about two hours, maybe a little over, maybe a little less. So it's not incredibly long. But it really did feel like I was watching like an eight-part mini series or something.
Every scene was so long. Every sequence took forever to develop, to just execute that last scene where the stupid cruise ship is crashing into the shore. They are conservatively crashing for 20 minutes. Which by the way, I guess I didn't realize that that was a practical effect. Yes. And then it actually cost like of the budget of the movie, like $25 million went to just that like sequence. Yeah, which is more than the budget of speed one.
Okay. And so we talked about the Rotten Tomatoes. The audience score was 16%, which is obviously pretty well. Not going off. People, you need to get on board. This move sucks. I always die hard, Jason Patrick fans. Jason Patrick sympathize or something. So top-grossing movies of 1997 are number one, another boat movie Titanic. Of the two, I'd say Titanic is better. I don't know. Yeah, maybe. It's close. Number two,
men in black and number three, the lost world Jurassic Park. This movie, this is a bad year for movies, guys. I remember well, hold on. Wait till you hear the movies we covered this year. This movie speed two, Cole and Cruise Control comes in 40th in the de mexico, de mexico. It's early and I'm messing up in the domestic box office. Other movies we have covered on this
podcast from 1997 are number five Air Force one, number 11, face off. Number 15, Con Air, number 34, spawn, number 35, Starship Troopers, and number 98 Jackie Chan's first strike. Wow, so okay. I'm not going to change my statement. It's a bad year for movies. However, a lot of the movies on that list are so bad they're good. Yeah, I mean, there's some solid episodes of the podcast there. Really, like really good classic episodes. Yeah, and you were not on the
Air Force one episode. So, you know what, I would say, of the movies we I was not on for. That's the one that hurts me the most. Not not desparado. Maybe desparado too, but yeah, but I'd say Air Force one, you know, well, and I just want to put it out there for the people who listen to the podcast who aren't LPJ fans. He's not on Air Force one, so go back and listen to
that one. Enjoy. Okay, this movie stars Sandra Bullock, turning Jason Patrick, and I'm sure we'll cover it in a role of Versals, but I think he was what like the 200 choice for this role. And then Willem DeFoe, which is interesting. And then the only other person I noticed obviously was Bobo Fett, Django Fett himself, Timor Morrison. Right, yeah. I mean, Joe Morton, Joe Morton's in this. He's from the first movie. Oh, the detective, the lead detective.
Lead us. Who has like, who was like one scene in this? Yeah. Tim Conway's in it. He's the, he's the driving instructor. Right. He's in it. He's kind of, he's fine, you know, other than that. Sorry, while you're talking about it, I mean, I forgot I didn't look up Willem DeFoe's network. That's okay. That's okay. Tune Man makes a special guest appearance. And that's again, he has a extended role. That's the guy at the end of the movie with the boat. Yep. From the first movie.
Okay. Other than that, I mean, there's a bunch of random character actors that are known, but you know, nobody, nobody worth matching. Okay. All right. Let's get into the net worth then. Let's start with Willem DeFoe, because I just looked them up. Willem DeFoe, he's got that sweet, sweet Sam Raimi Spider-Man money. What do you think for Willem DeFoe? Willem DeFoe has that sweet, sweet life aquatic money, which he's great in. I love him in that movie. I'll go 35 million.
Oh close. $40 million dollars for Willem DeFoe. Next up. Hey, do you hear he's a bit of a scientist. That's a genuine laugh, LVJ. Okay. Next up. Tomorrow Morrison. He's got that sweet, sweet Star Wars episode two attack of the clown's money. What do you think for tomorrow Morrison? He's got that sweet sweet sweet. I'm trying not to name a Star Wars movie. Aquaman. Yes, he's got that sweet sweet Aquaman money where he plays Aquaman's dad, right? Yeah. He's also in the
once. He's also in the sequel. I can't remember. I can't see you know. I don't know. I watched it on Max. It's worth a watch on Max. That's about it. Anyways. What do you think for him? Tomorrow Morrison. I'm going to go. I'll go 10 million. Only $5 million dollars for tomorrow. All right. That's fine. You know what? That's fine. He's fine. Next up Jason Patrick. He's got that sweet, sweet lost boys money. That's the only movie. Oh, no. No. I got one. Okay. Go.
Okay. I am by the PPS. I've never seen lost boys. I feel like you should watch it at some point. But I don't know if I like it'll hit the same way because it came out so long ago. Anyways, what do you think for Jason Patrick? He's got that sweet sweet Nark money. Oh, there you go. Yeah. I remember seeing that in the video store. I'll go two million dollars. Oh, lowballing. Jason Patrick. He's got eight million dollars. Well, good for him.
And then finally, Sandra Bullock. She's got that sweet sweet hope floats money. The movie that she agreed to do speed two. So the studio would pay to make hope floats. What do you think for Sandra Bullock? She got that sweet sweet oceans eight money. Which I've never seen. You have a meter. I've never seen any of the ones because she did what eight did it in nine too, right? No, I think it's here. Hold on. I'm not on to see now. I'm looking it up. No,
I'm looking it up now. No, that's it. We're doing it. We're doing it. We're looking up our movies. Listen, I know I don't really have time to kill. We really need to just closet this episode. You made that out. I got stuff to do. But I'm pulling it up right now. You made that up there. They made one with with the cast of women actresses. They didn't make the sequel. They didn't make a sequel to it. Maybe you're maybe you're writing a fan picture
and sequel. No, that's a plan. They were going to make eight, nine and ten. Well, I don't think it went as well as him on to. Anyways, get back to what do you think her network is? I don't know. Why you guys give me the questions? I'll go 80 million dollars. Wow. Sandy Bullock, 80 million dollars, 250 million dollars. Good for her. Good for her. Okay. Writer, director, what you got? The writer quote unquote for this movie is a dude named Jeffrey Nathan Sin.
And I don't know who he is. He wrote some stuff. He wrote. Oh, rush hour two and three. And here you go. Here's he co-wrote Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. So that'll tell you something. Yeah. So this movie, this movie went through like 75 different treatments of like what they wanted to do with this. At one point they said, Graham, Graham Yoast, like the original writer, like just a writer speed. They didn't even ask
him to come back. Oh, right. I thought he wrote like a treatment. And then like they were like, nah, we're going to go with this story based on a dream that Yanduban had. Yeah. Well, they, I mean, they had, I'm sure he wrote. So he had something written for him. Okay. But they never really considered it. A lot of this stuff was throw away from die hard movies they didn't make. So they just sort of threw it together. And then John DeBot had like a fever dream one night came
up with this thing. And yeah, then you get you get speed too. But Yanduban directed speed, he directed Twister, a bunch of other movies to Kujo, one of the die hards. So he directed the second one. I don't know. I'm so mad at this movie. You. I hate this movie. And this right over he directed a hunt for right over in this opening segment. I will say of the podcast. Yeah. You have one thing that you're responsible. And it's talking about the director and the writers.
And you listed like one movie other than this that Yanduban did and then decided that he directed a die hard movie that he didn't. Well, this we socks guys. This movie. I hate this. I hate the wheel of pain. I hate our I hate our listeners. I hate this movie. And I hate it. I mean, to be fair though, this movie seems like the godfather compared to what we're talking about next episode. Okay. So basically, I hate this. I hate this. Basically, L.P. Jason saying, pull up Yanduban's
Internet movie database page. Yeah, you'll be impressed. Question mark. Okay, let's get to the tagline. This is more. The taglines for speed to colon cruise control. The first one is who comes up, which apparently this movie did get to thumbs up from Cisco Nebert, which is kind of wild. They're both dead now. Oh, this tagline did more research than union for this podcast from the director of speed and twister. I said speed and twister.
Rush hour hits the water. And then this next one, I guess, is in German or something. It translates to 120 minutes of pure thrills, which is not true. But it says like 120 mutin pure ludes that I can't I don't speak German. That was good. That was close. You were real close. I'm okay. I'm laughing now because like I clicked out of the taglines and Internet movie database other page for speed to colon cruise control is like more like this movie and
it's giving me speed. Ballistic was X first sever street fighter. Wow. And in the name of the king, a dungeon siege tale. Wow. So if you like shit movies, you're also more human set up to the love guru. I'm starting like my ears. What is happening? All right. Sorry. That was a tangent. You got anything else specifically you want to mention before we get into the plot. No, I don't. Buck up, dude. Buck up. We got two hours of plot to get through. All right. So here we go.
So speed to colon cruise control. It starts off with Jason Patrick. He's chasing a truck on a motorcycle. Sandra Bullock happens to be taking her driving exam at the same time. We're cutting in between these two scenes at the same time in roughly the same area of Alice. Yes. Roughly the same area of LA, which is acid. And we get some hasty exposition dialogue which talks about breaking up with Keanu Rees character from the first movie. And I believe one of the reasons is that he gave her
mace and she thought it was perfume. But that kind of seems like it's on her. Like hold on. Let me tell you something about her character in this movie. They make her so stupid in this movie. She wasn't this dumb in the other movie. But like they dumbed her down. She is the biggest idiot in the world in this movie. I hate it. I hate it. Like they ruined her. Oh, look. Don't get me wrong. The characterization of the first movie wasn't exactly, you know. Yeah. Right with feelings and emotions
and and deepness and depth. But she's so stupid in this. She's so dumb. Everything she does is idiotic. Yeah. And she thinks that a thing of pepper spray was perfume. Okay. Also she mentions that she thinks that Jason Panter, her new boyfriend works on the beach patrol. Which I believe on that hallcogun album I used to have that me and Jody had there was a song called Beach Patrol on it. Jody can backcheck me on that. No, that's fine. Did this make you want to do the mention of that?
That make you want to watch past episodes of Pacific Blue. No, it made me want to watch. What was the whole coke in TV show or a drill? Bluestunder. Was that what it was called? I don't know. But I feel like he had a syndicated TV show. He did. He was out of boat. There's lots of boats involved. We need to stop these standards. Okay. So that the okay. By the way, like Jason Panter works for the suicide squad. Mark, is that reference in the first movie? Or did they just make that up?
Because it seems to just be the SWAT team. And this is a big SWAT team operation chasing this van down. So what do you think? What do you think is going on with this van? What kind of crime do you think they committed? They murdered someone. They robbed a bank. You know what? I'm going to go with. Yeah. Yeah. What would you say that? Nope. You're wrong. They stole a bunch of computers. Oh, is that what happened? That's it. It's a truck. They stole a bunch of computers. 1997 style. So it's
just huge big ass boxes with monitors in them that you know what? When they fell out of the truck, didn't seem that heavy. First of all, why is the SWAT team involved in chasing down the thing is stolen computers? It makes zero sense. And then all the computers followed anyway. So they all got trashed. Yeah. It was dumb. Also, how convenient is it that Sandra Bullock's new boyfriend is on the same SWAT team that her old boyfriend was on?
Right. And presumably so did Kiana Reed get like a different job or something? Or is he no longer on that SWAT team? Or did he know Jason Patrick? Yeah. Were they both members of the suicide squad? Was there some kind of weird love triangle going on prior to this? We got to keep moving. We got to keep moving. That's more interesting than this movie. So the computer fallout also then it seems like Sandra Bullock's driving test is going so poorly that cops start chasing her.
But the van crashes. Jason Patrick arrests the computer dude. And then Sandra Bullock conveniently crashes into a police car. And she somehow ended up exactly where Jason Patrick and the SWAT team were busting the computer things. And not arrested. Not cited for any kind of tickets. Yeah. So he kind of reveals the truth where he's like, I'm not on beach patrol. I'm part of the SWAT team and blah, blah, blah. And they can argue a little bit. But they decide that like the way to
save their relationship is to go on a cruise. And listen, we should deal. I've never been out of my cruise. But I thought like the thing about cruise ships is that like you board like on a dock. Because on this one they drive them all out on a boat to get on to the cruise ship. And I thought it was like on a dock because people like stand there and wave at you and stuff. But I don't know. That's a question with Jody. He's been on like way more cruisers than anyone else I know.
Yeah. I mean, unless maybe they were boarding in a really shallow area where they couldn't pull the boat up and they had to get smaller boats to ferry them out there. I don't know. Yeah. Okay. So we're also introduced to Willem Dafoe. He's on the boat and his like defining trait in this movie is that he has long hair. And I thought that was weird. So Jason Patrick, it's also revealed that he has a ring and that he wants to propose to
Sandra Bullock while they're on this cruise. They're hanging out on the cruise deck, on the cruise deck, on the deck of the cruise ship. Jason Patrick is talking about how he has gotten some bad vibes about Willem Dafoe because Willem Dafoe is really concerned about where his golf clubs was. And like Jason Patrick's like he's not even locked in the golf match on the TV. And it's like, well, he is on vacation. Anyways, also Willem Dafoe has a bunch of jars of leeches.
Which is the stupid. It has no bearing on this whatsoever. I thought maybe they'd come into play at some point like what? He was going to start throwing him at like he's or he's used him for, you know, like poisoning people or something. But no, they're just leeches because he's got this weird made up illness which I have all sorts of issues with. So he's got jars of leeches and also the golf clubs were all disguising like like bombs like like wires and bombs and shit to make
bombs. So the most exciting thing to be about this whole movie was I literally have it done. It says, whoa, UB 40 is on the boat for me because the band UB 40 is on the boat. Yep. And it like these are the believe like, oh man, this movie went a lot better. UB 40 was still there like some of the like some of the members that didn't get off the boat, you know, and they were like running around and stuff. But uh, and there's also like, uh,
Oh, he's losing it guys. He must really like this movie. There's also like a lot of diamonds. Yes. This is another weird thing. Like they have this huge vault with people walking around. All right, so let's not the huge vault. So they have people walking around showing off these diamonds. They've got people there on the cruise ship who've paid a presumably a fair amount of money to be on this cruise ship, uh, who are then being sold diamonds and necklaces and things
on the cruise ship. Which is bananas. Yeah. Uh, okay. Also, uh, we get some more of UB 40 performing because I have a note that says, man, this movie's really good. There are monies worth out of UB 40. And also, uh, as you mentioned, you're opening. There's a, uh, death girl in this movie for no reason. Oh, no reason. And Jason Patrick immediately recognizes that she's deaf somehow. Yeah, and he knows sign language too. No sign language. And without any prompting whatsoever,
gets eye contact with this girl and just starts signing. Like it's a weird, like it's a normal thing to just randomly start talking to, uh, uh, uh, uh, a 12 year old girl from across the table. Very weird. We got to get going, man. I just, we sucks. Keep going. I still have one four pages. Too much. Dude, I got things to do tomorrow. I got to go to bed early. Come on. All right. Let's go. Uh, so Jason for Patrick, he, uh, Jason Patrick is going to propose, but he decides against it. Uh,
willing to foe sneaks into the engine room and does something. I'm not, I don't forget what it was. That's literally what I know. And then he sneaks onto the bridge. Oh, that's where he starts placing some of the bombs. Okay. And then he sneaks onto the bridge and points something. But I think it was like a transmitter. It's a transmitter. Yes. We can get remote control to access of the computer, which is again, it doesn't matter. It's stupid. Keep going. All right. So he also
plants bombs and like the command, the communications and like the power room. Uh, and then he goes over laxes and the bathtub and his cabin and puts the leeches on his body. Right. And he puts the leeches on his body. We don't find this out too a little bit later. But he's got this weird form of, like cancer, like poisoning that he got from presumably working with electronics. And computers. That's how it's explained. Yes. He got copper poisoning. I think it's what they call it. Yeah.
Copper poisoning from. Did he just did he eat a bunch of copper? Was it woven through his skin? I don't understand. People work with copper all the time. Electricians, you know, plumbers. Mm-hmm. I've never heard of anyone getting copper poisoning. Or the computer programmers. Or that the only possible treatment for it is to have the leeches like something copper out of your body or something. Leeches suck copper? Didn't know. That's a new thing to me. I'll check
with him later. But come on. So then, um, uh, Sandra Bullock and Jason Paget have like an argument where like Sandra Bullock tells them that she doesn't want to get serious. Who cares? I thought Willem DeFoe killed like the Porter guy that came into his room to change his towels, but it's revealed later that he's not dead. Which doesn't make any sense. Why didn't he just kill him? I don't know because he's he's not like I love Willem DeFoe. He's an awful villain in this because
like he loves pretty much all the people get off the boat. Yeah. I mean, he doesn't really kill anybody in this movie. No, and he had every opportunity to kill Sandra Bullock. It didn't do it. Well, don't even don't even get me started on the Sandra Bullock thing because there's like a thing he should have killed her four times over. I'm going to save my thing up until we get to the scene. So, um, that that's when I we have a Django Fett sighting. He's like the uh,
I don't know. He's the he's the back and a command of the cruise ship, right? He's the first man. Um, so yeah. So and we learned that Willem DeFoe developed all the computer systems for like, I guess all these, you know, like this cruise ship, but like for the the whole like cruise company or whatever, uh, he also throws the captain overboard. So I guess he does kill the captain.
That is one person that he gets. You know, I don't know. You don't seem tired. Yes, but also this movie claims that anybody that falls off a cruise ship is going to get sucked into the engines. Oh, immediately sucked into the engines. Not even you don't even have a chance. If you're in the if you're in the water, you are chopped up. But it I'll save it for when it comes up. Sure.
Because it's a they contradicts itself. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. So uh, this is when we find out that the deaf kid has a hot for Jason Patrick and your parents are shitty because they're like, ah, you're death. I don't know. I think I just kind of killed you. You can't hear us yell at you. So Willem DeFoe starts controlling the ship from his computer. Uh, everything starts fucking up on the ship. The engine shut down. Uh, he calls it a bridge and he's like, hey,
I'm going to blow up the cruise ship so you need to start an evacuation. Because the bridge is like, I'm the captain now. Yeah, basically. So Django Fett, uh, sounds the alarm who evacuated the ship. Uh, but you the deaf girl stuck in an elevator. Who cares? Um, the boat starts evacuating. Um, uh, and then Jason Patrick goes to the bridge because he's like, I'm an LA cop. Tell me what's going on. They're like, no, what's going on here? LA cop. Who
cares? Uh, and so Willem DeFoe breaks into the vault and steals all the diamonds. Um, which that was his plan the whole time, right? Steal all the diamonds. Steal the diamonds. And like, he's Hans Gruber. And so like, they were, there was like, while they were trying to get all the people on the light boats while the boat was moving, but there's like one with the deaf girl's parents and like, I don't know, the boat starts moving
again. And before they get in the water, so it gets kind of like stuck on the side, I guess. And Jason Patrick tries to save, uh, people on the side. Well, I don't know. I was thinking where they couldn't like, they couldn't lower the boat. They couldn't lower the boat. It was moving. While it was moving for some reason, the cruise ship's not moving that fast. It's not like it's going to get ripped up in the water. Right. And also it was,
was that like a dead stop? So you think it would take a while to get like back up to full speed. Yeah, especially because like later on in the movie, there's that oil tanker that's at a dead stop. Yeah. And it's going to take them 30 minutes to get going again. But this cruise ship instant instant go. This thing's like a Tesla like zero to 60 in under four seconds. So like Jason Patrick's like, all right, I'm going to help get these people off the boat.
He kind of like jumps out there and he doesn't seem seem to have a plan really to help them. I'm sure jumping about this boat and it's all I got guys. So then like Dante decides to help Dante's like the boat photographer, I guess. We're introduced to him early on. I forgot to mention it. But okay, so they end up saving all the people in the light boat. We find out that Willem DeFoe has the boat locked on of course like the slam into like mountains or a wall or something.
They're going to the shore with that has a mountain right there. Okay. So then Jason Patrick figures out that Willem DeFoe is the bad guy because of the golf balls. And I wrote that note and I don't remember how he figures it out for the golf balls. I don't know. So they go to Willem DeFoe's cabin. That's when they found out that that Porter dude is not dead. And they find the bathtub full of leeches.
And that's when he's like, Oh, Willem DeFoe likes talking to him through the computer. And he's like, I designed the ship for this cruise ship. But I got sick and the company fired me. Great. Chaper Poisoning. So Django Fett really isn't doesn't really want Jason Patrick's help, which is like, all right, fair enough. He is just like a random cop on this boat. Sure. And he's probably got his jango's probably got his armor. He'll be fine.
Yeah. So he's good. So he is going after Willem DeFoe and Santa Bull can Dante. They find some passengers that are trapped on the ship and they can't get this door open. So they're like, Oh, are we going to get this door open? And the subject will look like runs to a closet. There's not one but two chainsaws. Yep. On a boat. There's chainsaws guys. There are chainsaws on a cruise ship in a closet ready to go. Chainsaws guys, chainsaws for cutting limbs, cutting trees, chainsaws.
Yeah, multiple because she picks up one and then she's like, I'm going to pick up this other one because it looks better. Okay. So Jesus, where we at? So Jason Patrick has this idea where they're like, oh, if we like flood like, I know, I know, cruise ship for so fucking don't ask me. But he's like, oh, if we flood like part of the boat, like it'll slow it down and it'll slow the boat down. So they decided to do that. But then they
find out that the death girl is in the room that's going to flood. So he has to go save the death girl and stop the boat from flooding. Right? Yeah. No, you're right. I hate this movie. Keep going. And then at one point, one point, one of the folks like, it's just walking around the ship at this point. But I love that he's controlling stuff. It looks like he has an intent. Yes, he has a power glove on. Guys, he's wearing a power glove. That's what he's doing. And he's he's tapping on it.
Like it's a power glove. Like he's getting ready to save like he's getting ready to to to play the wizard. Like it's great. This is where you can tell my brain was melting while watching this movie because instead of writing Willem DeFoe got copper poisoning from working at computer stuff so much. I wrote Willem DeFoe copy copper poisoning. Oh, yeah. Copy copy. So Jason Batchock thinks the way to like stop Willem DeFoe is to like shoot computer screens. It just doesn't
work. Yep. That'll do it, guys. The off button is through the glass. And also like this whole time because they were at like a fancy like dinner with you before he obviously. Yeah, I mean, but Sandra Bullock has been wearing heels this whole time, which I'm like why didn't he give her to those heels? You know, so, uh, uh, Jango fat and Sandra Bullock, they rescue, because Jason Patrick gets caught when he's going after Willem DeFoe. Willem DeFoe. He will
into put traps in the room and puts like a grenade on the door. Who cares? Uh, Jango fat and Sandra Bullock rescue him. DeFoe gets back with her family. Um, which by the way, like they are the stupidest idiots ever with that grenade. Holding it, being real careful with she's got she's holding the clamp down. They have the pin right there. Just put the pin back in. Right? Or didn't even do anything like if he opens the door, the wire pulls and pulls the pin out,
cut the wire. You got to you don't have to do anything. Just just cut the wire. So, um, also, again, this is the problem sometimes I don't remember why, but I wrote a note this this way. Does Jason Patrick know computer stuff? Cause I think he's like talking about computer stuff at some point. Um, so now they find out they were able to change slightly the direction. Oh, he was, uh, he was messing with the, um, the controls. Remember? Oh, right. In the, uh, in the,
in the engine room. Right, right. So, um, the, the flooding of it was, was able to kind of change the course a little bit, but now it's, had it straight toward an oil tanker. Um, and they're like, well, maybe we can like stop the propeller and that'll, you know, we won't run into it. So they go out and Jason Patrick's gonna like, I don't know what he's gonna wrap her on the propeller,
like something he goes, he goes, he goes underwater to do it. Um, but Willem DeFoe mucks everything up and I really laughed because it's like, Willem DeFoe's like walking around with the power glove and he's like, oh, the ship's slowing down. What's going on? And that's like, he literally
turns the corner and he's like, right where they are. Yeah. It's really knows of that. And instead of, instead of just shooting Sandra Bullock in the back of the head, and cutting the rope or, or letting it loose for Jason Patrick, he takes her hostage. Well, for what reason? Also question, why does he care if the boat doesn't crash? He's got the diamonds just leave. Just leave. He's just got to go. Why does he care if they stop the boat from
crashing? He gets on that like double jet ski thing. Yeah. If anything, if anything, him leaving now and leaving them with the boat gives him time to get away because they're not going to be worried about him. They're going to worry about trying to stop the boat. Right. But he doesn't, he kicks Django Fett into the water and he leaves. He takes Sandra Bullock hostage. Again, weird. So Will Nafo leaves a cruise ship on that weird double jet ski thing with Sandra Bullock.
Jason Patrick's like, we got to figure out a way to stop the ship. Dante come with me and I'm like, huh? And then like, I don't know, him and Dante, if it's turned some kind of wheels, like, it to turn the ship, but it's like underwater. I think it's like the manual rudder control or something. I don't know. I don't know what it is. I don't, I don't, do I look like a billboats? No. So they get the cruise ship to turn just in time. So it doesn't, it doesn't like crash into
the old tanker, but it kind of scrapes along the side of it. But it doesn't crash into it. But now the boat's boat is like headed toward land. And there's like a part where they all realize it's headed toward land. And like eight people say, oh, shit in a row. Right. Again, here's another issue. Okay, so they've successfully turned the boat. Keep turning the boat. Have it go back out to sea. Yeah, that's good. So they try and use the anchors to slow the ship down. But it doesn't slow
down enough. And here's where I have a logic question. So just here, just here. So earlier, they were like, well, you can't jump off the boat. Because if you jump off the boat, you're going to immediately get sucked into propeller. But while they're cruising through this marina, so many people are jumping out of their boats right in front of the cruise ship. Yeah. But they don't like the scuba divers and all the other stuff that they get sucked into the propeller or they just find.
I don't know, because I have another bit of logic to question you about, right? I looked up the specs for a ship like this conservatively or a ship like this. 30 feet of it are below the level of the water, which means if there are anything less than 30 feet of water, it's going to ground itself and stop moving. Right? Because guess what? The earth is bigger than the boat. It's not going it's going to stop it. So as soon as it hits 30 feet or less of water, it's going to just
drive itself into the ground and not go anywhere. But this thing continues to crash into the dock area and up up land in land for like 20 minutes. Well, I also like the fact that when it first hits the land like Jason Batchrick and Jango that fly out of control. Why? It didn't slow down. But yeah, the boat crashes like you said conservatively like 20 minutes of it crashing through this this like city, you know, a bunch of stuff gets wrecked. There's some very prominent 7-11
probably. Oh my god. And this guy has his car that he really likes and the boat stops like just before it gets to his fancy car while he's holding this liby. But then the anchor falls out on a kind of dude's car and crushes it. I hate this movie. Sorry, I keep going. So, so yes, so then we're in the end game now. So it's central. Oh my god. The film Defoe are on the weird double jet ski thing. Jason Patrick goes after them. I have another issue.
It takes how long would you think it takes the boat to go from where it's at after it hits the tanker to shore where Jason Patrick finally gets off to chase Willem Defoe. How much time do you think it's passed? Oh, they should be long gone. They should be way long gone. But I feel like Willem Defoe's so obsessed with the boat crashing and he gets distracted again maybe. And just sits there for 15 minutes. He could have made it to the shore in probably 10 minutes at
the most from where they were at and Ben out of there. I'm sure he had some kind of escape plan like a car waiting, right? Presumably. Well, okay. So let's just oh he's at the plane. That's right. He's at the DC plane. Right. Well, okay. So, uh, backtracking. We're sorry. Well, Jason Patrick comedies the boat of the guy from the first movie. Tune man or what? Tune man. That's the same. Um, and they chase after Sandra Bullock and Willem Defoe.
Who do get in a C plane? Uh, and Jason Patrick shoots the plane of the speargun. Um, Sandra Bullock throws the bag of diamonds out of the plane. But here's my question. Okay. Jason Patrick at this point just just trying to get Sandra Bullock back, right? Yeah. Willem Defoe, you're in the plane with the diamonds. Yeah. Just push Sandra Bullock out. Yeah. Take off in the plane. Shoot her in the head and dump her body. Or don't even
you leave it to killer. Like just push her out of the plane and take off. Like he like what he doesn't still need her as a hostage. You're literally in the plane with the diamonds. Jason Patrick is only chasing you at this point to get Sandra Bullock back. Yeah. But push her into the water. See? Yeah. But he makes no sense at any point. But he doesn't. And then like the plane, it's weird. It kind of crashes into the little tanker, but not really. It gets stuck on like a flagpole,
I guess. Yeah. Again, I don't know how exactly that happens. And then like everyone seems to know as soon as this plane crashes on the flagpole that it's going to blow up the whole boat because everyone just starts jumping off the boat. And then it does, but I guess it's because it's like it's leaking gas and then it blows up and there's oil. And I don't know, but basically it's a big explosion. And I like that tune man was like he wasn't happy at first, but now he's like super
invested in the scenario. But also I should say that Willem Dafoe, there's just like he just laughs a lot when they show him when he's like stuck on the flagpole and before it blows up, he's just really laughing a lot. That's probably that's probably the copper poisoning finally getting to his brain. So then they recover the backpack full of diamonds. Jason Patrick proposes Sandra Bullock, she accepts. And then that's the end with not counting the post credit sequence or Sandra Bullock's
back to retake her driving tests with a door for whatever say. Yeah, door. Yeah, that's a door fun driving. Would it have bid better if her driving instructor was war. Oh yes. As war for just Michael Dorn. No, like as war. Oh, 100%. This is going to be we would get maybe maybe for machine goods for me if that were the case. Oh, but yeah, that's it. We made it to the end of speed to colon cruise control. What do you have as far as roller versus? Well, turns out nobody wanted to do this movie.
So Keanu Reeves backed out. Then they tried to get Simon Baker, John Bon Jovi, Patrick Maldon, Christian Slater, Billy Zane, Matthew McConaughey, they all said no. Finally, Jason Patrick was hired. And then Gary Oldman was going to be guyger. And he's like, then he read the script, he said, no, it's cool. I'm going to do our air force one instead. Yeah, they said that they offered like Keanu Reeves like $12 million. But like he wanted to make the devil's advocate. And also,
he like read the script and he's like, no. Yeah, I'm good guys. And so then Fox put out some some some bad propaganda about him. Yeah, that it was like he just didn't do the movie because he wanted to tour with dogs are. Yeah, which was not the case. I also like the little fact that I saw that said like Jason, Jason Patrick was like, all right, I'll make the movie. But it's contingent on you making these changes to the script. And then he got there. And then he didn't change anything.
He's still had to make the movies. I thought that was really. Yeah, oh, they really screwed him over. He's like, okay, I'll do it. But every account that I read about like the different actors accounts this nobody had a good time making this like everyone hated doing this movie. It was originally budget budgeted at 100 million, but it says it would over budget to it then staggering 160 million before marketing costs. Yeah. So one other thing I saw that
so. Oh, I like the idea that you see that they said that like originally the Will and the FO character was written with Robin Williams of mine. Oh, I did see that. Yeah. Guess what? He turned it down. He said it was because he was had other projects he was working on. But, um, yeah. And then there's just a lot about the the set the town they designed for the boat the crash. Yeah, there was a surprising amount of stuff for this movie. Well, yeah, but it's
none of its that interesting. No, no, it's all just like how they made it and like locations and crap like that. But there was there was more for me to look at than most movies that we do. The yeah, did you see that like and they reference it in here, but like I guess they say that we're going back to like Graham Yoast. And I guess his like original idea was it was like it was on a plane that couldn't ascend above 10,000 feet. Just like all right. Like, good to me. Do you
think about it? Like, I mean, like the first, okay, first speed is obviously good action movie. It has a clever premise. But it's like this is like nothing. Like that. It's like the book. So like the book can't speed up or slow down or anything like that. Right. There's just there's bombs on it. It's just a bomb on a boat. It's an episode of McIver. But I feel like there's not even really bombs on the boat because he uses the bombs to do things. But that doesn't
it isn't Jason Patrick like, oh, there's those fires are all fake. That's like fake smoke. So are there even really bombs on it? And if so, there are bombs in it. No, because if so, why doesn't he just like when he's mad that they steer it? Why doesn't he just blow it up if he's got bombs on it? Didn't take some of that didn't take the transmitter and stuff. I don't know, maybe. I don't know. I don't know. All right, let's just write this thing so we can be done with it. All right.
I don't even know. Do you want to go first? Do you want me to go first? You can go first. Okay. Guys, this movie sucks. It's real bad. Nothing makes sense. It's too fucking long. It takes 40 minutes for them to even get on the boat. The boat has nothing really to do with it's stupid. The boat's dumb. None of the characters do anything that makes sense. Sandra Bullock is made to be a complete idiot in this. Jason Patrick is unlikeable.
Willem DeFoe, I like Willem DeFoe, but he's a completely ineffective villain. They don't even stick to their own rules 90% of the time. The boat crashes for 20 minutes. This movie is a train wreck. It is awful. This is easily one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I would never, ever in a million years watch this again. I do not recommend. People watch this movie. Don't even talk about this movie. I'm hoping it disappears from the zeitgeist of the world at some
point and people forget it exists. I hate this movie. I hate it. I hate it. This is, I'll go, I'm going to go one machine gun only because I have to have someplace to go lower for the next movie we're doing. I hate this. Yeah, that's, I mean, like you captured it very well and I kind of agree with you on there. This movie is not good and it's not, it's not interesting. It's that clever. The plot is dumb. None of the acting is good. The main situation like it is, it just like, it
doesn't seem like, I mean, I know it's supposed to be, but it's like, I don't know. It's not very, it's just don't tension really. I don't feel like, because it's like, I still feel like you could just jump off the boat. Like, I feel like you'd probably be okay. But yeah, it's not good and it does like, it's not an actuality that long, but it does seem like the longest movie ever. And I think it's because it's just long stretches where like, uninteresting stuff happens. That doesn't
really pertain to the plot and willing to pose terrible villain. And again, I like villain to feel like you said, but he's his plan. His whole thing is like, it's stupid and it doesn't make sense. It's like, well, does he want to steal the diamonds or does he want to crash the cruise ship and which one's more important and why didn't he have bombs when he just blow a hole in the bottom
of the cruise ship when he left? Like, I don't know. Like his plan is just, I don't know, but I kind of feel the same as you or it's like, I'm going to give it one machine gun just because it is almost, I wouldn't recommend watching it, but it is kind of funny to watch because it is so bad. But also because I know, you know, like comparing it to some of the worst movies who watch and some of this, what we have to cover next, I think one's a fair assessment of it. So one machine gun for me
as well. Okay, that's fine. It's what hurt me guys. That's what hurt me. That's what hurt me. That is best. That's what hurt you. You better get ready. Oh my God. The next movie took pieces of my soul with it. Like this movie is bad. The next movie is, I don't even want to talk about it yet. All right, plugs go. Plug to me. This movie, as I said, was not on Tubi. It was on stars. But yeah, Tubi's great. It's got a lot of content on there.
I'm trying to think of there's anything else. Ooh, you know what I do want to plug. And it's kind of late because you know, whatever, but X1 97. So I'm going to have a good chill. Is that a good show? I watched the most recent episode yesterday. Yeah. Oh, it is so, so good. Oh, and my eight year old Felix has been super into watching the original X-Men cartoon. So we've
been going back and watching all the episodes. He is, he is in. He is very invested in it. Yeah, well, I, I am, you know, like I was always planning on watching it, but it's kind of like, all right, whatever, but it's, it's crazy how good it is. So if you're not watching actually 97, I would, that's my blog to watch that. How about you? Yeah, X-Men 97. Agree. Fantastic. I've played the Discord. I don't know why I'm playing the Discord right now because that seems to be the
cause of all of my problems for today and the past three weeks. Yeah, I hate all those chuckle heads on Discord right now. I'm not friends with them. I don't recommend anyone in Iraq with them or talk to them. Don't talk to me. I'm surly. I'm going to be even surly here after the next hour. But if you want to join a Discord, go to Instagram. You can find the link there or just search for it. It's on games, the media, the page there. Yeah, I hope we never do
the Wheel of Pain ever again. It was, it's far more painful than I anticipated. All right. Um, okay, I think we did it. Thank God. This episode, a last action podcast has been terminate. But we'll be back.