“The Healin’ Titty” (w/ Michelle Buteau)

I don't know what to do with your good point. Now, please enjoy the amazing Mischelle Mouta, My grandma and your grandma was witting by the fire. My grandma to your grandma. I'm gonna say, fen I find it's talking about Hina, like like go on, Dan Jagomo jam and let me tell you something. I'm gonna have to do a lot of the heavy lifting on this episode because my my breasts next to me, my right breast, I am depleted, my glands are shot. What is wrong? Um? Here's the deal?

I mean, Matt was definitely a last tweet, definitely, and then it just you know, succession, succession, transference, whatever, and then now here I am you just don't feel good. I told you today get the eggs to shakes, the fevers in the quake. Told and this is kind of insensitive,

but I told you today over Facebook. Chadow was like, I'm full Season five is he Stevens, I'm great and I love he said I have a head wrap head wrap and I literally was like what And I really literally pictured you at home with the Iszie Steven's head rap, which honestly, in my mind's eye likes pretty fierce. She was that she rocked it. Um, oh my god, we

have such a good guest. We certainly she's bringing me to life, like and we went to the same concert, not not in the same night, but like she she's giving me the same strength at this songs tristed. Let's let's go through the credit Okay, let's go through the credits. So for first of all, you gotta listen to the album, which I actually listened to today for the second or third time. Now. This is actually this is the album

is called shut Up. I listened to it on day fucking one when it came out, and it's like, yeah, come on, yeah, if you're one of our favorites, and how the jump you can see her and this is going to be very cool upcoming ex show. And there was a bidding war for this for this show, you guys, and it's called Singularity. I had to be real mask in my audition same they asked me to be like mask masky nerves. I guess who didn't book us us But they were like, okay, Peel like more of like

a seth rog. I mean he's right, right, right, a seth rog. And I was like, well, you know they went with Damon Wayne's instead. I'm constantly losing out to Rulest, to Damon wahe um. You can see her right now on the tick on Amazon nice and then you can also see her in the upcoming film with bow and Yeah, called Isn't It Romantic? My three best friends Michelle Botel, Bowen Yang and Rebel Wilson and Brandon Scott Jones. John I love that cast and also and says, cho is

prettier in person. I thought it was Galgado for like twenty minutes. It was like looking brown girl Galgano. I had no idea. Didn't she look amazing? That's amazing? But I was like, do you know how to read? She? I was like, come on, girl, I know you living for Brandon's patcho and she was like cackling at her. Which one was, Oh, is that the gig guy? Yeah? And dumb jokes jokes? Do you remember I looked at

him one time. First of all, I love table reads for the food I brings up aware like y'all gonna eat all these figure sandwiches. They had sushi. It was too much sushi. It was like very big, you can't fit it in your mouth. Wait. First of all, this is our guest, Michelle. I didn't know you know, just hit the microphone. Whoops. Yes, healing brown titties for everybody. I'm gonna lay some titt on you, lay some t oh you. Now, we really do believe that positive energy

heal is a positive energy. I'm I'm feeling really good about it. The t t energy, sarcastic energy, but yes, it's still healing. No, this is the most engaged I've been all day. I went in to work because I took two days off already, and I presented and I was just like and then I had and then I went home work. I felt work work. I took a two hour nap and then I woke up and I was my body was a wreck again. Yeah, no, I mean whatever we whatever I'm coming out of and you

have now is a real beast? Is this gonna be like this movie with Denzel Washington where the beast comes into me? What is Lord? What is this? Well, so I can tell you that there's a lot of movies sometimes that come around, and there's those contagion movies like a rapid disease, And there's nothing more terrifying than that. Trust because you think it could happen. Oh, it's absolutely

hard this subway. So yeah, no, that whole and contagion, that whole thing started because Gwyneth Paltrow give a butterfly kiss to her Chinese business associate. I thought she sucked somebody's did. I got to watch them. I think it was a reveal at the end that she was sucking. Yeah right, she was cheating. She was cheating. It was your legs. Yes, don't come for me unless that stuff for you. So hold up. Getting back to these gay

jokes like this is this is the one. Like usually I like to I have to like look at the script because I hate like not knowing and ship. But this one, dude, he had his joke where he's like, no, no, I think Rebel was just like, why don't you calm down and sit on a bag of ice? And then like I grabbed my pearls that were there, and I looked at you and we like, I think we looked at each other and it was like a subway look of like that homeless person too close. Yeah, just like No,

I didn't know. Well, I mean, holl is as famously queer, and maybe she like felt ownership over that jbe. Maybe maybe it was just the one. I guess we'll see. It's just the one. I mean, it's the one I riffed a lot. Did you riffle a lot at the table? No? No, no, can you imagine I wish? Oh my god, on set you riffed. I know it. We were on set together. Michelle came in and did Criminal Crimes, my web series that above average and killed and it was a riffle.

I thank god that you were so excited to shot excited. Really? Can I tell you I actually been I love you for years because and I told you this, come on, this continues to happen, listeners. Rule number eight of culture. You know the lights you're going to go out? Well, nobody told me that shouldn't an email. I didn't know that was a rule. We just left out of your seat. Um no, but for real, And I think I told you this, Yes, bitch, drink at the fluids and you too,

we have we're drinking beers, drinking lemon water. Lemon water. Come on. So I think I told you this onset of that thing we did but and received this um when we were freshmen in college and m y U. You came through m y U and slayed the welcome week and you, honestly you made me feel a lot less dressed out because but that was the worst. Going to college was the worst because I was like in the closet and so freaked out and like, oh my god, are people gonna are people gonna like? Am I gonna

make friends? Like? Am I gonna die? It was like New York City and I was like so much and then like Long Island but like I so different, Like Long Island is like suburb down. And then you go to New York City and you think, oh, I got this. I'm from Long Island and it's like so lonely, and but you, honestly, I think it was the first time I breathed and laughed like like the two weeks before,

and I loved it. And then I and then you said to the whole crowd of freshmen, friend me on Facebook, and I did, and we've been friends on face for like eight years because of it. Then years later, when they were like when I was working on the above average shoot with Criminal Crimes of Chess club sketch a group at the time, um, they were like, who should we get to play the corner? And I was like, UM, just gonna throw this out there, like you know, I

love Michelle. And then they were like, Okay, let's see and then you said yes, and I was like boo. And it was a good moment anyway. And you know what, I am so glad that you told me that, because a lot of times you show up to colleges, especially for welcome Week, and you're like, how the fuck as like a full grown, realized woman sitting and spinning on dick, paying taxes, performing for people with rich parents just there to eat chicken tenders? Yes, are they going to relate

to me? And a lot of times you leave like feeling like, wow, at least I'm still doing what I love. Yeah, And I gotta paycheck and it was a gig. I mean, there is something special about n y u um and I remember all this exactly. But it's nice in a way where everyone knows that they're about to get cultured. Yeah, and like whether they have really rich parents sent on boats and wear red pants or if they're from another country,

it feels different. But it's so nice that you remembered. Oh, not only do remember, but years ago I was like, I heard for a job. Um no, I've obsessed and like that. And honestly, like, friend, did you on Facebook? Like you requested? So then we can't. I don't know,

but I was not looking back. It's like, it's so funny because like now that we are in the comedy world and everything, like we have friends to go out and do those college gigs, and I'm like, I wonder if they're all hitting them up to get I mean, who does that? I'm such a And I'm looking through my family going to Facebook anymore. I'm like, who are all these people? Right? No idea who anyone is? Oh my god, I wonder if Joe Kim boosters out there hitting up people from toy Like, yeah, I'm sure he

has held saucy stories, saucy even Joel. No, wait, can we talk about I'm sorry, I don't mean to call you by your last name. Why not? I don't know. Come on, I loved it. Okay, okay, okay, Michelle are what did we think of God? We briefly spoke about this earlier. What do we think you went on the

first night? I went on the first night for Gaga, and um, you know, I have not wanted to spend the money to see her before, but I was like you, I really like all her songs, and I love her musicianship and I love her message and I'm just like, bitch, just go. And so I'm so glad I went because she really I don't want to be like she changed my life, but I like it when I leave feeling inspired,

you know, because I watched I love. My whole thing is It's like, I want to go to a lot of shows because I want to see people before they die. So I see a lot of Mariah Carey. I saw her open for Lionel, I've seen her Christmas show and I'm just like, can you just not take his annex today and just be present and stop yawning? So It's so nice when somebody's like, you know, yes and still loves it. There's joy. And she was so fucking good. And I forget how many songs she has. I couldn't say.

And it was like me and um an eight year old girl. No, it was like Francesca. She sheared Nicole Byer Matteo, who were close just kidding, he didn't That was the crew. It was. It was a dope crew. I mean we didn't like we all had like seats, but like like adjacent and um so we hung out before and after and I'm just like, god damn it. She was so fucking good. She commanded that stage in heels, costume changes, spoke to the audience like I used to

watch go to Madonna concerts. She never said anything, not even you're welcome. Here's the thing. Yeah, I mean it'd be something if she said you're welcome Gaga and she I don't know if she said this on your night, but like, and I don't think she invented this, but like at the end of the show, she was like, I always like to play stadium shows like a bar. In a bar, like a stadium show. I think that's

like a like a stones thing or something. She didn't say that, she said that, and it was so true because in the middle of the concert I turned to my friend David Mazzoni and and we were just like, this feels like a bitter end show that this feels like yeah, in Arleans grocery. But that's how she came up to right and amazing name drops. She was like she brought her like old Laris side, like collaborate. My god, Tommy London. If you don't know him, check him out.

I used to hang out with him. I used to go to his shows and he used to putform. He came up with Gaga. Nice right, Was he a dancer or no? No? What does he look Does he have the big aviators in the hat or no? In the beer now he looks more like a low bunch of Elvis. Yes, I wait, he was there last night too. He had like such a like a huge pop a leather jacket.

He looked he opened good. Oh we got there right in the nick of time, right, yeah it um, But no, I was gonna say when Gaga was starting, you got there. We were like, we're not going to get there until because the doors open at six and we were like, oh, we've been to Beyonce at City Field, like ye did yes two hours bitch when it was crazy hours. And then I turned to and also we had shipped seats. Me,

Sudy and Henry were sitting on last row. I'm not kidding you, like right up next to the chain length fence. I was like three rows in. I was like there and like my hair was sticking up because it was so winding, so crazy and freezing, and it was like around this time of year, right that was June of last year. Yeah, it was so funny. And I eventually I am saying to myself, like when the fun is she going to come out? And I turned to my left and someone says, I heard she doesn't hit the

stage until there's complete darkness, darkness. Yeah, I was, yeah, I guess we gotta wait. Yeah, it was. I got there so early just to watch, like DJ Khalid was that it was so long. It was so long. I don't know. Beyonce's kind of I think, not ruined for me. Obviously,

I love the four A Formation World tour. But I saw the four concert at Roland Ballroom when she did four shows for the four albums, and I was a hundred fifty feet away from her right and it was I don't know because she was still massive about that time she was pregnant. Then it's revealed months later that she like that, that's when she revealed her a little bump on the v m as And she revealed shortly

after that she was like four months pregnant. And I had seen her a month and a half before, and I'm like, the bitch was pregnant while she was turning it out, like maybe she was like having it was crazy, Oh my god, I can't even take a big ship. I'm like something to wear. And this was just like squatting for two and a half hours. You would you would never think she wasn't in the peak of her life, Like there was no I gotta go home on the weight.

So this is just like now, okay, I feel I feel like I didn't just obviously dense circles around us all, but I have a grape can. I just want to come on Grandma. Okay, okay. One is like all natural deodare it doesn't work. The other one is like I'm just telling you, thank you, it just don't go in. You probably can't sell anything anyways. Beyonce had twins, and I feel like that wasn't natural, it was IBF speak

on it normalize. I'm all clooney, Like I feel like I hate when bitches like pick and choose like now plastic surgery. Not to get all woke and like feminine, but like I feel like now we're talking about nose jobs, like it's getting your eyebrows done, But like these bitches need to start normalizing ship for other ladies who are out there working, trying to have kids, going like another

fucking route. I'm just saying. I mean, there's a lot of discussion right now about what they are and aren't saying, especially talking about like Taylor Swift with the whole fucking Trump thing, Like now she's back out with her song and like I haven't listened to her song. What's happening

with us into it? Because about it? Oh no, tell me about She's just a full villain, And like the thing is, this is painful for Matt and because we like fucking like shelled out hundreds of dollars to go see her a lot to talk about stadium tour, talk about like we went to met Life STADIU and paid a hundred and eighty dollar drove Phoebe Robinson to go see you too, granted ticket inde to me. We were in that car for four hours five minutes. I'm like,

we should be in Maryland right now. And we were stuck at the Lincoln Tunnel for an hour and a half. I saw old Chinese guy p by his car, girl by, and then we saw two random white people trying to go into the tunnel and she's like, white people, you can't go into the tunnel. They were trying to find their ride, so then they just jumped in our car,

ended up driving with us. Filthy they jumped in your car. Yeah, they weren't like they were like normal looking, Like that's crazy talbot wearing motherfucker's that's some white privilege right there. Well that's why I gotta I had them in my carcase. I was like, what did I do? What are they gonna jimmy me to death? Exactly? And they're boltons. Get

the funk out of here, Get the funk out. I mean, so yeah, we're I'm just like at least and maybe Matt's just like sitting in solidarity with me, but I just read I was in this fever dream fucking state on my way to God. That last night I was reading this piece. It was just talking about how she like she's irredeemable until she speaks out against Trump, and I was like yeah, And so I went into my

Spotify deleted all her songs. Um, And now like, if I'm ever in the mood to listen to her again, I'll just like go to my music app and like not have to pay her a streaming dollar, Like just listen to and I'll just pirate her ship from now on.

Her whole thing is now like like her whole single is like she like ducked real oh for a while, because like Kanye and Kim got her and like all that garbage and you know, like she was exposed and as what she is, and you know, she ducked out of the spotlight for a while, and now she's back with this song look What You Made Me Do? And it's like essentially the message of it, I think is like I own everything that's ever been said and done

about me, and I'm actually taking it for myself. None of you can ever say anything to break me, because like, UM's here. I was confused. I think I finally realized it it's like you're responsible for you're all complicit in this and what I've done, like, which is it's crazy. It's some evil villain ship. You know what it's like To me, Tenna Swift feels like and I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks. You know, Um, she's in

she's entitled. She's also talented, but she's like that friend that like hooks up with one guy and can't stop talking about dick, and actually they know about dick. It's like nothing really has happened to you, like life has barely happened, like it dude didn't even rape you, like you know, multiple times he grabbed your ass, and now

you want to like fight the good fight. Thank you for speaking on it, but also like let's keep it moving because if I had, like if I had to go to court every time someone grab my ass, I would always be a mocking court. Yeah, do you know what I mean? So I feel like things happen to her and she's like I have to write a song and good for you, bobo. Well the irony is she released her fucking video for it on Sunday, like as Harvey was touching down, Like there's like ship going around

the world that people are dying. But that's insane. I know, Beyonce drop lemonade when Prince died, but like, how can you not because we need to heal? But then she like, because that was a contribution to the world. Look what made Look what you made. I also can't fucking say the title of a song. So it's so bad. It's so bad, so fail on that. Look what you made me do? It's just like it's it's the ultimate, Like

I'm a victim, and then what I was. I had posted this article today that basically said you're never gonna know what Taylor soft politics are because she'll never say it. She's the only pop star for caliber who claims to be a feminist who won't speak out against Donald Trump. Won't denounce Donald Trump obviously because she wont likes her dollars and it is her personal right to keep her vote private. But you don't really have to guess what her politics are when her entire messages I win, but

all the losers and haters are coming from me. Where have we heard that before? The funk out of here? Fucking I mean, like, what was I gonna say? Oh no, it's just like a shitty Howard Ashman Disney Villains. Oh my god, it's really what it is. And honestly, no, it's so shitty. And also the video is so uninspired. Go watch the video one time, anyway, Watch the video one time and you'll be like, oh, this is some garbage, because my thing about it is it's just everyone else's

cool video put together. There's one image in it that I haven't seen before. I mean, we're all inspired by somebody. But it's also like boo boo, like, you know, Bruno Mars is still Bruno Mars. He just got that you know, stank on it, right, like James Brown, little Richard, but Bruno, it's like, stop trying to be yes. So inspiration is inspiration. Everyone's going to be inspired. Everyone's going to have references always.

But when you make that much fucking money and when you are that much and every time the world's gonna stop. Whenever you do anything, you have to be extraordinary, Like come on, Like at this point, even the new kids are coming up with new songs, The new kids on the Black coming up. Oh my god, you introduced me. I'm so late on the Cardi B Train, but you're i don't think so honey on our live show, Like I was like, who's Cardi B? And then I listened to about what do I say? What did I say

about Cardi ban issue? No? No, no, it's like a post nasal drop anyway, um strugs strug No you I mean your thing was I don't I don't think so honey. People who don't funk with des yes, And then you said any song that makes me want to shake my ass like Hardi B or something to oh yes, yes, yes, yes yes. I was like, who is Cardi B? And then yeah, I was very much. I didn't know Cardi B either, And then I w I woke her videos and I was like, she is so damn it's amazing,

so good. She's so authentic and she's so real and like she did the pre show at the Vietna's on Sunday and like every line of Bodac yell or her like her like hot single right now just has some fucking curse word in it and so like she like had to like skip every other soullable. She's like you with me, Yeah, I don't know, yeah, didn't you tell me? She sat on someone's face and broke. Then she yeah, that is that is on my bucket list, bitches. Yes, yes,

I tried to. I hooked up with this dude that look like Adrian Brody and I really tried to, but it was thirty is fine. It can't fucking fun. Spinning on Schna she a memoir by Michelle She know what had happened was sing she has a eric and bodaiala where she's like, um, I forget what the lyric is, but she was like explaining the lyric. This lyric about like this guy eating her ass, and she was like, yeah,

one time I got carried away. She was like eating me so good that I just put my full weight on his face and his nose broke and we had to go to the emergency room and we had to be like we were too embarrassed, so we just told him. We just told them that he got Drunk's amazing. She should be on the TLC show Sex Send Me to the Emergency Room. That's the show, and those re enactments are so good. So it is because I'm tired of watching like fat bitchish like ship a baby into that

favorite show. Yes this is and it's always like some dude that can't stop orgasming and he's like, yeah, it's sucked up his grass. The emergency, yea, the emergency been. I hope they're in season four. Oh come on, So I Cardi b one time and she's amazed, how tell us everything? She's um? She um. I don't think she knows how funny she is. She's just who she is, which is great. And her name is Bacardi and so

she nicknamed herself Cardi Bean. And her sister's name is Hennessy. Yes, you know what, heness She's overcome so much by having that name. She I mean, I don't know if she's Puerto Rican a Dominican, but like she lives her life like nobody watching and I love it. And I asked her like how did you because she was a stripper before. I'm like, how did you get into stripping? And she was like, I'm not gonna do have voice because that's

sucked up. But she was like, I was bagging groceries at path Mark in the Bronx and I asked my asked my manager. I was like, how do I like make more money and ship? And he was like, there's a strip club across the street, you got a good body, and she was like I just go like dance this it. And he's like, yeah, you stipp you take your clothes off and saying the transaction sometimes you gotta make it

obvious for me too, right there. Um, so she she started that, Yeah, and then I heard she had to pay for herself because well she she like saved up a lot of money because she was like in a very abusive relationship. Yeah, and so she's like come such a long way and like I'm rooting for her so hard. Well, that's what love and hip hop is. Sort of like

showcasing too. It's like there's a whole culture of women who are strippers who want to be rappers and performers, and what they do is try to get their song played when they're stripping. So people like, yeah, it's like a showcase. It's America's got talent, but everything is a live round. Yes, and they always sit in that golden button. Um wait, Michelle, we have to ask you the question. And we're I'm so glad that this is just on a roll and we haven't asked we we usually asked

this like ten minutes in. But we'll ask you the question okay, which is like, what is the culture that made you say? Culture is for me like growing up, this is the culture? Like could it be a film, music, something that you saw in comedy, whatever you that really you start to set you in the direction of who you would become, like culturally like pop cultural. This is a very hard question because my parents are immigrants, so

already I was like, this is how you all to work? Um, like at five, you know, like a lot of reggae songs and stuff. So, but American culture for me, I was like Lisa Bonet on The Cosbee Show. I was like, Oh, I just want to where my dad's blazers. She was so fucking cool. Yeah, and just like yeah, just have like a one liner. And then also, um, this is so embarrassing, but dirty dancing YEA. Honestly, his spirit is here. Now. I'm watching Tyler Henry Hollywood Medium, so you know, I

believe in that show he is so sweaty. Is there anybody that can give him a gatorade in a fucking rag? Tyler Henry or or Tyler sweat and talking to all those spirits, He's a sweating a little boy. I have a medium does not sweat that much. But I also think it's because she doesn't really feel the spirit. I think she does medium like doodle like like Tyler now Tyler do and I like that kind of like it was like like it like I feel like he's legit and she's not. That's just from what from what I am?

Is it? Because she's like, tan, mom, that's a medium? Oh? I feel like here's the thing. Like every time she does the very ambitious like live reading in a group and she does it on all the talk shows, and she'll be like, is there anyone here passed from the chest? Passed from the chest, and then everyone will be like, yeah, heart disease. I think it was your father and they know.

She's like, all right, well someone someone yes, and someone's like my uncle and she's like that's what I was saying, father figure test and Tyler is just like this is so strange. I'm getting um. The name that starts with jay, it's probably Jonathan and he died of a very specific thing literally exactly right. Yeah, but okay, I really like watching him. I definitely want to like pat his forehead and get some powder. And he's adorable. Where's the makeup girl? Yeah?

We can't find her in his mind. Also, like when he when he read Bobby Brown did not know who Whitney and Bobby was like, I'm seeing like a mother daughter relationship. Yeah, and I was like boo boo, and then he goes, yeah, I'm realizing who your wife is now by seeing that picture of Bobby Christina, I was like, bitch, you didn't know from Bobby Brown sitting in front of you that you were gonna be talking about when Houston

Bobby Christina tipped you off. No, there was something that was terrible, Like whoever produced that should have like kind of rethought that. But did you see a Little Kim episode? Biggie came through. Biggie came through. But it's also really hard to watch Little Kim's face very sure, I mean,

what did you know who Biggie? He well, she said that jacket belonged to the late, great notorious b I G. And he goes wow, and I was like, I think of it, But actually he's he did mention, you know, I very rarely recognized the guy the people I read. And then she opened the door and he was like, are you Little Kim? So he knew who she was. That's insane. Plus like I wouldn't know that's little him if I met her. Yeah, because her face has changed so much and she was so good. She still I'm

sure she's great. Wait, how did you get on this? Because you were? But I loved it. I loved during. I was like, oh, wow, going away on vacation. Oh, the first one I know. I don't know my your mind. Imagine if I thought that was the only Oh my god, it's like, where's going to obey? Oh my god. Um. Anyways, that's that's great, that's amazing. Oh and I guess like salt and pepper. I was like, yeah, for sure, I must, like I just I knew from even going to Catholic

school all my life. I was like, you have to own your sexuality because these guys out here just like trying to take it from you and make you feel like guilty for no reason. And Ship and I love like, just um, Queen Latifa and Ship because they're like, take back the fucking night. Yes, yeah, who you call on a bit? Yes? I love that push. It is like an early feminist anthem, and it doesn't get the credit a dessert. It doesn't people play when they give birth

that's what you play while you're conceiving. Yeah, so actually it's actually it's interesting and it's very similar to me to like I actually didn't have a lot of like comedic influences. I had a lot of musical influences. And sometimes when people ask me what are your commedic influences? I have a really hard time with that question, Like, yeah, it's hard for me to say, like, well, you know, of course I love the Simpsons because I fucking did it,

you know what I mean? What I hate what everyone makes you feel bad, Like I don't like Seinfeld, Get off my dick. Yeah, I mean I can't do comedy and not like Seinfeld different references. Yeah, I'm sorry. It's a bunch of bore white people who don't know how to dance. Well, am I gonna like this ship? But that's funny. It's it's just interesting that you that you mentioned a lot of He gets so nervous when our knees touched, well, because I'm sick. I don't want to contaminate. Yeah,

I don't give a funk. It's fine. I mean, that's that is the most that is, That is the Leady Gaga level warmth. Iconique on the level of Gaga. Um, we're gonna take a very short break and then we're gonna come back with Michelle. We're gonna smoke. Honestly, we I would love to know, But the thing is here, the deal. I actually, when I was very sick, I actually ate a ton of edible. Yeah, because it puts because it's got me to stop thinking about how sick

I was. See, sometimes sometimes I just the pain is is like like amplified. Sometimes it's like even like an itch will feel so painful to me. I get like these body highs were just like oh my god, that is the one thing. It's just probably it was what you're smoking. Because sometimes I'll smoke something and like like I'll just only focus on the one part of my body that I'm holding stress. Does that ever happen to you that happens to me naturally? Titties? All right, let's

say that breaks a break and we're back. We're back, and one of us is black, and one of us and one of us just colors have been a ton, yeah, Michelle, or a yoga commercial or a Dove commercial. We're like a really, we're like a casting director's dream. Yeah, if we were like all big girls would just be in panties right now posing next to a dove bottle that's shaped like us. Yeah, with like a big piece of paper that we have to go behind and get naked

and take a shower. Is beautiful because myself comes off I'm beautiful. Wait, you honestly don't know you were talking. You were griping about your deoda, right, I finished that thought. I don't think we like fully. I'm trying to um. It's hard because my body is so ethnic in nooks and crannies where I'm not expecting it to be right. So, yeah, you know what I mean. Behind the fucking ears, that's just me behind the ear and the ear it's just greasy as how. Oh yeah, okay, I get it. No,

I mean that's grass. I'm vulnerable for sharing that. It's vulnerable. Do you like it when like, like a guy kisses behind your ears? You're just like, no, I don't know how it's going to be. I don't think they've done it enough. Are you into leaking in the ears? Are you guys into that? I do it a lot and people hate it, love it. What it could have gone either way? I will put my tongue full the way

in an ear. That's gross. What are you saying? Do you ever come out with something come out with something on my tongue? Do you have to be like Gordon Ramsay and kitchen nightmares and be like, excuse me, I have anyone I ever, anyone I ever hook up with is fully excavated in everywhere. And I'm just kidding I do. When I used to hook up with guys, because now I'm a mirror, i'd bring them home and put them in a shower. Yeah, that's because I don't know you.

I don't know how you live. I don't know what your definition to clean guys? Right, boo, never tell boo not washing your hands, finger nails. Now, when I was in college, and like when I was like in my early twenties, I think like I would hook up with guys like after being out and like whatever, and we would go home and do whatever, and I wouldn't think a second thing about it. But now it's like you

have to be squeaky clean before and after the whole time. Yeah, and then get like an omelet at a dinner some sometimes if that's a good conversation, how did you in your husband me, how long have you been one night stand? Are you talking about just sucking my way into romance afterwards or now? No, you had to go back um to Amsterdam the next day. Oh yeah, that's right. This is a Dutch guy. Yeah, and then you talked about this in your album. It's all true. It's so true.

I post I just posted a photo commented let me know where you're going to go, and I was like what, and then I just made the connection. Oh yeah, like that's that's yeah. I love that place. It's great. Have you tried brik staff Fall What it's like an Indonesian Dutch hybrid. It's a bud thing during sex. Indonesian food makes me well, okay, it's like Chinese. It's really good, sweet and spicy. Indonesian food makes me ship water nice.

I will do it because like Dutch people love it, because they just like European countries love flavor, which is just usually countries they have colonized. I'm like, I'll eat it, but like it will be like a curried egg and you'll hate and you'll just sucking sht water. I'll just ship water and keep like burping it for like three days. Yeah. Oh god, like food poisoning, Like, I don't, would you

call that food poisoning? No, I know I lept out with that recently, and it's just it's terrible, just like a little intolerance, a little intolerance, but it's making me ship water for three days in a row. Yeah, when it's coming out of like everybody, we should definitely change

the subject, okay, right, yeah, just you listeners. You know that we get rudyo and I'll get bodily real with you, and I mean the least our last episode was title Herpie Simplex one, Wow, cold conversation with ray Sonny about what the herp is being he ship and what and

what happened? What could happened was we talked about the differences between having a cold sore which is Herpes simplex far as one, and getting shingles shingles and also getting canker stores, which I had been dealing with a canker store outbreak and I'm always like, what the fuck right? And then a doctor one time told me I had herpies one and then I got tested for it and they're like, no, you don't. Who was I was like, did you go to out of the closet? LT? Honestly,

I don't trust these city MD doctors. I looked out, really, I looked out this week and my my physician was an actual m D. Not to shoot on people with d OS or you know whatever, but physicians assistance. But it's like, oh, well, I'm obviously going to feel better. I know what. I take that back. Sorry, I mean, I don't. Don't cut this out. But it's like fucking Brian from the Bachelorette, Right, do you watch the Bachelorette.

I watched this season, who was like every other was the winner, the chiropractor, who was a quote unquote doctor, the smooth talker that isn't anything perfect and like tongued tongue rammed her in the first sucking episode. It was his kissing was wilder, it was blue. I'm surprised if the wrestlers stayed there for so long. What did she see in him? I don't I didn't get it either. I think he was a good guy, admitted a long time.

And also, you know, he was there so they could stretch out that fight with him in the racist Why did that racist stay there for so lust didn't have no choice. That's the thing about the show is they keep them. Have you seen Unreal on Lifetime? Oh yeah, oh yes, it's it's I can't believe that it would be even that real. Like that's so fucked up. You have to make out with these people and just like try and have a moment in front of all these

lights and ship. Yeah. I mean that's also another thing is it's like I remember the one episode where she got on the hot tub with Peter who was the runner up, and he was like rubbing up her back and they were in the hot tub. I'm like, there's cameras there. I know. In this article today that I posted on Facebook, it literally was talking about Bachelor in Paradise and it described the Bachelor contestants as people with great, great bodies who just don't really have the heart to

do porn. I was just it is like a gateway like a sex tape. It's certainly not dissimilar. It's just exhibitionist in that way, which is fine, like no stigma, but it's just it's it's a little you know, yeah, what you're calling it love. You're trying to be like all sincere about some bullshit. Totally, totally totally. I just like, you just wanna get your dick wet? Are you watching Bachelor in Paradise? No, but I heard like that really unfortunate story about how people were black out drunk and

she know it was it was. It's not good and they've they've now. So I didn't watch this episode last night, but they had her on to give like her tell all, So I'm gonna watch that episode. But it can't have gone good. The thing about that situation is you can't deal with it. Well, it should have just been canceled, yeah,

like shut it down. But also when there's a lot of money involved, it goes back to the whole Tailor Swift thing and everything, like when there's money involved, you just keep on going and if you never apologize, then you're never wrong and you just exactly God, that sounds like the White House's platform at this point. This whole article was it was like this new Tailor Swift video

is the first pure piece of Trump era art. It's like Reagan Air, aren't we think about like Top Gone and fucking like Dynasty where it's just like rich people are military people. And now it's like, oh, this is going to be about like this is just that second coming of that where it's just like we're fascinated by rich people. I mean we kind of did that during the Bush years too, like with the Simple Life and stuff.

I was sending a conversation recently about like the direction of music, about how everything like this new Tailor Swift sound was like it's just very like kind of industrial, like more industrial and like clubby than anything she's ever done, And I thought like, yeah, gay, like right, But like the thing is like if that's where we're at right now,

like kind of very like eighties. If we're in the eighties right now, like like in terms of politics and in terms of like music, then like with the next coming will be like I think that rock music will come back. I think that something will happen where like I'm just trying to think ahead to like what's going to be next, because we can't exist in this space anymore. I feel like Lady Gaga was getting a little bit more rock with her new album Joanne, Like you knew

she was like going to go to Joanne. When she brought out the pink cowboy hat. You're like, oh, here's another song I don't know, and she um and she and the Cure, the Cure, like such a nice nineties and B throwback, and I'm just like, oh that, like do that Like I'm mistaking happy Place. That's my favorite type of music. Yeah, somebody told me that Taylor Swift's new song reminds them of Peaches. She's just like, really, look what you made me do? Look what you made me.

It's not it's really bad. I'm I'm regretful to say that. I'm interested to hear what the album sounds. I think I'll listen to it one time through and then make a decision about it. Like, but I will listen to it because I'm interested. But the thing is like, it can't. It doesn't feel like it's going to go in a very musical direction. It just sounds like she's like pissed and like wants to make dance music and be this

new Taeler who wears like a choker. I mean enough, is she going to be in a movie and like put on like passific nose and be like I need an oscar? Yeah? Remember well she was briefly cast in Lame miss As and then they were like but she was, but this is something I just remembered, and she campaign to play Joni Mitchell in a biopic and Joanie was like, funck now that Oh my guy, she was trying to do movies. She was in that stupid ass that Time's Day with a thousand people in it. I never saw

because I like myself. Yeah right, the real icons do it all. They're great in movies like Gaga, Rihanna, Madonna fucking like, you know, leave of their own and okay, Avida Avida of course, okay rule number ninety eight of culture Madonna and Avita. Okay, I can't, but I will, but I will. But we did. Um, oh my god, I just lost my train of thought. But when can

I ask you guys a question? So the I don't think so, honey, has there ever been one that just like fell flat where we're just like, I'm so sorry, like someone just like bombed. No, I don't truly. I mean we've bombed all the time on the pod, but like I will do one shortly going to do it. But the live show, no, I think if anything, like everyone always kills but the thing is like, oh and on this last a live show, we had a couple occasions where people decided to come for us. Oh wow.

For example, Timothy Dunne he turned to us and said, I don't think so, honey. Childless adults at disney World, and Bowen and I have been known to frequent disney World. Not one child between the funds. It was terrible, and also fully said, I don't think so, honey. Matt Rodgers and Bowen Yang, why should we listen to you about culture? You think you're the only two gay people. She goes Matt Roger, She goes Matt Rogers. Can I be friends with you? Because all your friends become famous except you?

Oh my god? And then she goes bow and Yang. Um, you never get foxed? Well, it's called one hundred contact No son Barby Parker, more like no wait sponsored by Spoke, no sponsored by Warby anyway. No, no one's like no, no one's bombed. Sometimes I disagree mostly Bowen Yank's. Sometimes Bowen will say some things and I'll just turn turn my I don't think so, honey, right around on him. Oh yeah, got it. Yeah, So it's it's um. Don't you guys come up with this because we used to

say it to each other. We say to each other, and I had the idea to make it a segment. Um. You know, I don't think so, honey. And then we just but here's the thing, and I was I think I said this at the show. Like at first we were like, let's just like build a segment around a stupid catchphrase like they do on all the podcasts and dumb. But then like slowly, like people got into it and we were like, like you you stare at a catchphrase, the catchphrase stares back, and people are like, it's the

it's the centerpiece of the show. And we were like, oh my god, like it's like it's snowballing and like not in a good or a bad way. It's just like we thought it was like a goofy bullshit thick. I mean, is that what the shirt says? What the T shirt that they sold the show? Yeah, yeah, that's so funny. Anyway, it's amazing. It's bizarre because it's like

that genuinely was just something we said. You never Okay, So sometimes you get sent like because comedy writers, you get sent like a packet to do and they're like, come up with some bits to do on the show, and you can never think of anything like that's always how weak I am, Like you wanted to come with jokes I can come with jokes, but when it's like come up with some segments, oh my god, because it's just like it's just like terrible, like low budget game

shows in ninety seconds or less right. And I hated packets because it was always for like an older white woman or man, and like my manage would read these packets for like Conan and Jimmy came out and then she's just like at the end of every sentence, I hear, hey girl, Hey, so you can't. You just gotta write

for yourself. But I love me a catchphrase like I don't know if I did this at the n y U show, but I used to do this from the waist down fucking shit at colleges where I'm just like from waist down, I don't remember that, but I do, But you do say that's your Journey's podcast I have for like three episodes, and I was like fun talking to people, it's your journey boo, and like from the waist down, I was like say it like when you

get like a fortune cookie. Yeah, you know what. Here's the thing about catchphrases and people should on them all the time is like cheap and hacky, but like they really do provide a framework for comedic thoughts and like, yes, people who, people who did. I don't think so many shows like who were not stand ups, like it just like brought something out of them, Like it gave them like a nice strong starting POV. Yeah, and it's a it's a license totally. And you. I think Michelle specifically

was an exemplary. I don't think so many because she actually follow the rule of just repeat. I don't think so many as many times as possible. Every single sentence Michelle said started out, Oh, I didn't even know that was one of the rules, but I knew you would. I just like I felt the spirit you you embodied. I don't think so many that's why. But you asked the first action was lost. I had this coworker who went and she was like, I hate this puss too,

but I agreed with I kind of agree. I was like, yeah, you know what I'm wrong. I never until you're I don't think I just did it. And you want to know what it is? It was Bieber that was driving me away. Okay, there's an original version, but like, just take Bieber out of the equations. He's not even like really speaking English. Do you think that Bieber is sexy? No? Um, no,

that yeah, and that's it. No, I want to like I see the sex, but no, like I feel like I see right through him and I like knows game however, and even though I had an abortion, like the year he was born, probably be my kid, But no, he is not sexy. He's like, but there's blazing insecurity with a bunch of talent and dick and um, that's just not my type. Totally. Yeah. I feel like people are tricked into thinking he's sexy because they oil that bitch up and those You could have a water slide with

no water and he would shoot down it. He is oiled up at all times. I like he is loose. I think he did this song because he's like trying to get back at Selena because he's like, oh you you think you run the Spanish game with the fucking millennials. No,

here we go. And then like, yeah, she's got she's got like more followers than I think any Kardashian or j Low, Like she's got like the Marcus between like hispanic right right right, But that's so often because it's like Selena gums his music like appeals to all demos, but justin Bieber trying to get back at her for going in this one specific vertical of the musical genre. Is like so, but like I feel like they're always

music trying to get back at each other. Yes, yes, crazy because no, you're right because his last single, his most recent single that came out like last week, it's called Friends, and it's actually really good. His music is good. Don't don't apologize, he's actually good. He pays a lot of instruments. He's a dick, but like they're all as long as he's not running like a sex cult at his house and like peeing on like fifteen year old girls. And I'm like, okay, he's a dick. He doesn't want

to take a selfie, but all right does that? Taylor? Who do you stand for though? Is there a popular artist that you fully kid? Yeah? Gaga, fuck, I just like old people that's like Lionel Sure, yeah Maria No, I can't stand or sit for that. Yeah, But is that because of what she's become or what she was? Could? Were you never down from Maria? But you see your in concert. I always loved her music, but I always felt like she's a girl I would never get along with.

She makes you feel shitty for not wearing heels. That's how I feel. Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean. She's like, are you gonna eat that bread? Doling? It's like, yeah, but Doling, it's so annoying. I don't even know, you know what. I really love Cia. Yes, he's fucking great. She's looking cool and I like see him Rihanna together, and I like Rihanna as well. I feel like that bit just got a story. And um, I feel like she does the most by doing the least. And I

love that she can't blink. Yeah, she I love her because now I feel like the bitch is always high. Yes, yes, I truly think she gives zero fox, and that to me is a quality that I admire. But she also gives the right fox for the right things, like the mat ball. She always follows the assignment. She's a good student. She's a good student when she needs to be, when it counts. Yes, yeah, I think she's a lot smarter than people give her too, because then you're like, you know,

you always know what people are going to do. Yeah, you know what I mean, You're never surprised, never surprised because they think she's dumb. They think she's a dumb blonde. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but she's not. She's That's that's the thing about Like, I think I've said this before, but whenever anyone's like, oh, Beyonce doesn't write her ship, Rihanna doesn't write her ship, I'm like, why are you saying that? Do you think she's stupid? No? I was like no, no, yeah, yeah,

I was like, do you think she's stupid? Okay, why? Yeah? Ask yourself? Is this definitely not racial? Because it probably is. Like I think there's a lot of is this long Island? Who is this? I'm just saying, like there's people out there that are like, yeah, there's no way that Beyonce or Rihanna are involved in what they do creatively at all. And I'm like, why are you saying that? It's like why, why are why is it not possible that they are. It's also like Katie Perry cant can barely make it

through a fucking interview too. It's like she skips every other syllable all the time, and it's like, you're not putting that on her. It's just it's an interesting double standard. It's like it's it's that's a kernel. It is because if you're too like Olivia Pope, they're like, she thinks she's boogie. But if you're like on a high on a boat, they're like, yeah, totally so tough for us. I keep touching your knees. Okay, now I'm so sorry, Michelle touched each other. Your co stars get like some

hand sanitizer outside in the bathroom. Would never forget. You can't have a bowl on your knees. Girl, what you mean piste all over my knee? I'm kidding, well, I love that you speaking of pissing. Um. So, Nicole Buyer had this great fucking quote at Lady Gaga because we had really good seats on the floor and she's like, why are they punishing us for having money? Because we had to go like a very long way to get in the bullpen and then it was just porter potties.

We're in the bullpen. Yeah, we were just we had flour seats, but you had to go through the bullpen entrance and like all the four did you guys see you the other night? Yeah? With you? You have a nice weather night. I was a nice weather night. So that was you. Francesca Sesha, Nicole and and oh my god, such a that's a dream group. It was really fun you smoking weed on the floor. Um. I had a little mushroom tea and then I had a little hashpen ye.

I wish I had gone to this. It was hard to smoke though, because the eight year old was next to me really trying to blow in her face. Stop little bit good for eight year olds going to gaga. You know what, I don't get people that try to get their dogs high. Your dogor sup wants a tree. I don't want to be your Doleso doesn't know what the going on. Your dog wants to get high, it'd be begging you for some weeks. Yeah, you can't do that to your dog. And also have you ever seen

the videos of the babies. This is crazy, but there's a video one time I saw of a baby that had a nicotine addiction. Oh yeah, from like the Philippines and the baby was smoking the cigar like a We had to write jokes about that fat baby on Best Week Ever. I did the research that was it's really scared me and cried when you try to like get a cigarettes, Yeah, that was crazy. The baby like had the whole. It was so lived. Oh yeah, it's a very lived in snow. Best week ever when was that?

It was? Well, it was like two five at first, and then it came back for like twelve thirteen. Were you there with Michelle Collins? Yeah? Yeah, okay, so you know every do you know Brian Foss and Josh l Brian actually wrote my segment Panties off for me, Panties on, Panties off. N He's the best. He is the best, He's the most he's the most boyish daddy. I haven't seen himbout. I love him. I saw him a couple of weeks ago. When I think of him, I think

a bow tie. I don't know why. I don't think he's ever worn a boat tipe, but I think a bow tie. But he's a bois guy. Yes, he's very He's Bradley Cooper and Wedding Crashers, Oh my god. Yeah, but nice but nice. I actually think the Bradley Cooper was has never been hotter than he was in Wedding Crashers. Yeah. Did you see him as a hell of phant man? Oh? Dick, he had his dick out? Well no, but I could see through this pants. I haven't seen any good male

celebs naked live on Broadway Live like Daniel Rodd. I didn't even see eques. I didn't even see the Daniel recof Dick. Like you were looking for it, I went, okay, I was like it was hiding. Yeah, I need to I need to stick this out a little bit more. Can I tell you one time I saw Crisp Pine in person, and I couldn't stop looking at him. I saw him too at Freeman's. He's crazy hot, he is very attractive, but he also just screams patriarchy. So I'm like, yes,

he's very American psycho. I'm gonna get my way no matter what, not that it's his own fault. I'm sure he's like woken, wonderful. But yeah, but him Zack, yes, no, thank you. Also, he's too ripped for me now, yeah, he's too drapped up. Um, okay, let's move on to I don't think so honey. Let's do I don't think so honey. Great, it's time now I don't think so honey,

which I guess. Um as of tomorrow. If you're listening today, um, you can listen to on our own channel NOM as of next week next Wednesday, we're releasing yea all right, so soon you can listen to our own channel. I feel like it's been two weeks though three Um anyway, um anyway, yeah, soon you can listen to it. You can also listen to it unspoke anytime. I don't think so honey live Michelle but absolutely slays it. Lots of other comics are on there, killing, killing, killing, killing, killing,

and it's such a fun show. We hope, we hope to have another one very soon. You guys, it's gonna be really fun. But with a twist lemonar line, Um, an orange twist, can you imagine just dip the whole thing in. I wouldn't mind. I don't even orange twists anyway. Um, So, okay, this, I don't think the money. This is our a minute to wear rail against something in culture or life which is just killing us and getting at us. And uh sometimes it stumps us. But I have a good one. Okay,

you go first. Okay, all right, so you're gonna set me up, bitch, This is Matt Rodgers is I don't think so honey. Time starts now, I don't think so honey, orange juice, bitch, you are poison. You are chock full of sugar. And guess what if they try to tell you, bitch, that you should be drinking orange juice to flush out your system and get you well, guess what. You better hope that party of viral diseases and canker sores because vitamin C and citrus acid is bad for your mouth

and yours will come roaring to life. Guess what orange juice, especially y'all with pope. You think that you are natural, You think that you think that you can offer it to children. You're killing the kids because guess what those kids will be drinking water or milk. Yes, I said milk as an adult. Don't drink the milk. You don't need it as a kid. Get your bones strong, but don't drink juice. Jewish is poison. I learned it from

Henry Koperski. Also, he wants me to tell everyone that he thought Taylor Starbage well for everyone else, he hasn't listening to her for five, six, seven years, But he also hasn't been drinking orange shoes. And that's the point of this. I don't think so, honey, Honey, I'm never gonna drink orange juice again. It made me sick. Orange juice, you are the cause of my melody. That's one minute testifying orangeice, feeling bad about it. There's never been a

good o j that the juice is loosen. The juice is loose, juice needs to be locked out of both all kinds of the juice. I'll get next. I have a similar one. Wow, And you know this is ing yangs. I don't think so, honny. Time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Fucking lozenges my throat has been I'm sorry this is a slow one because I just that's where my brain is that I don't think so, honey. Loss and just because look, you barely make my throat feel better, and the numbing ones like what am I

the fucking dentist's office. You're gonna know my whole mouth? No, I don't think so, honey. I have food, eat, and I want to feel the texture and the mouth feel in my fucking mouth, against my cheek, against my molders. It's an it's it's it's a it's a sensory delight, and you're taking that away from me, and honey, I don't I don't think so, honey. Lozengees hauls a fucking pep talk on every rapper. Bullshit, it's all platitudes I've

heard from the fucking secret or something. Just get hire new writers, staff writers, get w g A on it. I want actual, original pep talks from you on your rappers. I don't like these fucking cuiche generic. Second, I don't think so many sephical number one doctor recommended, No Number one me loathed. That's one minute. I'm sorry that I

want to tell everyone something at home. You have to stand up out of your chair right now wherever you are listening, and you have to give boning around because that was really hard for you, because I saw you startling the whole time, trying to breathe, you drag you ask out of bed today to come here, and I have what you had, and I know that it's really bad. Don't don't lionize me. Okay, well, thank you, Okay, fine, bitch,

you suck that sucked there you go? Alright, So now and imagine establishing a legacy, yes, like like Michelle did with her I don't think so, honey. And now it's online. This is a game with someone's bitch. Every episode counts everything serves you the next alright, so this is Michelle, but's I don't think so, honey, and time starts now.

I don't think so, honey, motherfucker. If you want to bite to my house and don't bring something, bitch, you don't need to be at ghetto Martha Steward to understand fucking life works, motherfucker. I don't think so, honey. If you think I'm gonna be like Voila, David's in the help, just trying to serve you and ship, I'm not trying to serve you, honey. Are you going to my fruit basket acting like that's the food I cooked for your ass?

I don't think so, honey. That ship is from whole foods made by a prisoner in the Bronx, and I paid extra money for that banana. Motherfucker put it down. I don't think so, honey. If you're trying to get all my laquix, meanwhile, somebody else brought rose drink the rose bitch. Now you want to make a fucking sprintzer with Mala, I don't think so, honey. You got me acting like a fucking fool, hide on cases of under my couch like a crazy person because I'm trying to

hide ship from my friends. I don't think so, honey, if you ain't bringing ship to my house, because this is how you make a bit and unfriended bitch on Facebook. Lak, that's your drag name. Actually it's dick Lexia and I'm dyslexic. Thank you. Oh my god, my drag name is Lacrosse. That is I can't believe Davis. That was really good. That was amazing and it might even I don't know if it tops. That's puss though, it's up there. It's

up there. You're a legendary. Thank you, and this has been a really wonderful episode of Los Colatrisa's and everyone's going to gag and I thank you so much for coming out of here so much. No, you're the best, and he loves you for years, and we'll love you till I die. I'll love this bit until my dieing day. That is something true. That is something true that when I'm laying down in my grave, you will look down at me and I'm not sure it will say Michelle,

where in the water. My name is um Thomas Blunt. My name is Greg Flirk. Just kidding. Both our names are Emma and that's Michelle bo iconic God listen, I think it's bouto and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What is it for? Everyone? For definition? The Facebook friend her, she's asking for it on a mascow Thanks deal. See what white can. This has been a Forever Dog production executive produced by Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsay, and Brett Bom.

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