"Summer of Kunt 2: The Klumps" (w/ Sudi Green)

saw you? Reader, It's true, Reader, When I came back to New York, all three of my house have moved into different ho dwellings. How dwelling they are? How? And so why? I've seen Dave's lovely new apartment. Congrats to him. To him, the wallpaper is laid. I've seen Sudi's new apartment. Congrats to her. To her, the artill art will be put up soon? Have not been to this how is apartment? Let me tell you something? Let me tell you something. I just said, tell you, Swift, it's not that I haven't.

We just haven't had the time. We haven't We are are our wires haven't crossed? What are you coming over? I would love to come over. When is a good time. You've been busy getting ready for a show show from doing my thing Friday, we're gonna be recording more episodes. Maybe come over after come over Friday, we can do that. So, just so you guys don't know, I'm gonna go. I am going to see bones new apartment, just in case anyone was concerned whether or not I was going to

see his new apartment. You're really You're really pushing it back and I and that is a signifier for something. You missed me desperately. I miss you so much. I really missed you. And I the night I saw you, I was like just fucking shoveling affection and throwing the dirt onto you. And I was like, and you were giving me nothing. What are you talking about? I despise this id. Yes, Matt is emotionally man is emotionally distant.

And I wept that night. Yeah about about l A, about your friends in l A, how much you miss l A and how much you hate New York. And it's not our fault that you live in a humid hole. Oh yeah, because because Matt Polish Green Point parogy basement. Fuck you, you're a bit parogic garden level box. You're a bitch stopping, you are being you are being a bit Okay, I mean she's she's enemy. I mean this is already I have such good feelings about this audio.

And wait, I don't like this narrative. Now. I came because I don't think it's truthful. Can I just set the scene? Can I just set the scene? So I came. I come off the plane. It's as a very long fight from Los Angeles to New York. The priority number one was I get to you guys that have wine and pizza, because I had been in Los Angeles for five months and study and I had been playing all day treats for for that Matt and Joy's Buffalo pizza.

I don't want you to say that, because I knew that Matt wouldn't mention it, and so I wanted his story to be done. But I was like, that was my thing about the story. Obviously the villain of this episode are and I I'm not. So I get off the plane, and you know what happened when I got home to my apartment. It was a disaster and it was really, really hot. And yes, I was a little bit emotional because I did make some friends over there

that I'm not going to see for a while. But I was thrilled to see my sisters, and so I went there and literally sat down and was crying because I know there might be life changes, not because I missed any thing in life change. I was emotional for many reasons life change, life changes because I'm thinking about going to l A. I know, I know, we know,

and we know, and also it's a big transition. And also sometimes when you're like feeling a lot of things and then you see people that you're comfortable comfortable with, it just all comes out. Like I've had that like with you, Like I'll FaceTime you when you're in l A. And all of a sudden, I'm crying. And I wasn't even upset that day really thinking about it. But you did sit down and met. We start talking about how much you're gonna miss your friends in l A. And

they didn't know you when you were born. And I was there when you came out and I held you and I looked down at you and I said, this is my son. Famously, by the way, this is if you're living under a goddamn rock. This is Saturday Night Live writer shrill writer se Sudi Green, our greatest friend, our number one famous. Her biggest credit is the famous. Her biggest credit is Summer of Summer of cunt and and the merch that it extolled. Fruit is what candy

is based on. Fruit is what candy is based on end Summer of count. You can find them both in the merg store on loss Culture, see t public com um. Sudi, you are right you You and I knew Matt when and but you you two especially had have we really talked, delved into this origin story about you two, that you it's a good one. Colloquium, Okay, colloquium it is. It is the story that was foretold. I feel like it's our, like it's our it's our old Testament. Yeah, okay, cool,

it's no, it's like scary God. It's scary. It's it's the part of the Bible word God is really scary. Lie. If you lie, then you get swallowed up into hell on the spot exactly. The thing about the Bible is best seller, best seller, number one best selling book of all time. Talk about people don't talk about the Bible. That is at all times, that girl and that it's a rule of culture. Number the Bible is about times that girl and I look at the New York Times

bestseller list and I think, where the Bible. Yeah, it's true. It's kind of like it's kind of like the Happy Birthday of books. It really because really really, because if if you really think about it, if the charts really reflected music, if the charts really reflected music, happy Birthday would always be number one. If so facto visa v. Happy Birthday is God, Yes, absolutely, it's actually a real

culture number six. If so fact happy Birthday is God. Okay, So this is apocryphal story, Okay, Okay, So there was this. Matt and I both went to y U. We went to Dramatic writing um and he I was a freshman year year older than me. Famously, you're a year older. Now we're five days apart or five days part and yet Bowen graduated with me, which feels like political because I skipped a grade. Wow, I started earlier and started

too late. My mom wanted me to start early, but I did not pass the test you had to pass to like go to kindergarten your and her immigrant heart was shut her. She still brings it up because afterwards I guess. I said, um that the woman who gave me the test was mean. And then my mom is always like this is so classic my mom, Like she was mean to her and she intimidated her. And here she she's like five years old, you know, and like she didn't and she didn't think I'm dealing with a

five year old, you know. And that's and that's why she didn't. She didn't go to She didn't and that's why I will say it's one of two two tests Sudi Green has not passed in her life, the second being when Sudi was my plus one when I was famously on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? And they said to her, Sudi, you were so good on camera as his plus one, would you like to take the test?

And she said, I don't know. She had just thought it as an l She was like, I don't know if they'll even let me be on an ABC show. I don't know if I get it. When I get it, like when will I come back? Like what if they need me? And then she did not pass the test. First of all, I rushed it because I wanted to get to p F Changs. It's to Las Vegas in Las Vegas, which when I the only other time I had gone to Las Vegas, I was like nine years old. My aunt lived there, was we were like, let's go

to um Las Vegas and visit her. Was also the first time that I was cat called. I think I was like eleven years six. Did have tits when I was seven, but like me and you know what I mean, we know we know those girls. But I went to PF Changs and I thought it was the only p F Changs that existed, and I was like, this is the most glamorous restaurant in the world. And then like cosmically, when we were back in Las Vegas, I was like,

I want to go to this PF Chang's. And but also we when we went to Millionaire Matt was on Millionaire, were with all these people who had studied Matt and I had not studied at all. We're like made you know, like when you're in those situations and you're like in close quarters and you like make friends with people. And we made friends with this like mother daughter pair, and they had been like taking a road trip and we're

doing like states and trivia. I'm looking at maps and all this stuff, and then all of the practice questions that we did, I knew the answers for, and so I was like, oh, I got this in the bag. We don't need to study. And then actually the question that I called city up for to help me with on millionaire, I will have gotten that right. It was

the low Here's what it was was that. So sometimes they do a millionaire these questions that sound like they're asking you one thing, but they're really asking you another. So it was like this ultra marathon and I had just read a book and watched a documentary and all the ultramara which was Peak Suity Green that she had read a book. At the time, I was dating a guy from Colorado, so it kind of all tracked. Um, this ultramarathon goes from the highest point in the state

to the lowest point in the state. Where does it end, Well, well, yeah, it said in the highest point in the continent of the United States to the lowest point of the continent. Essentially, it's asking in which state is that death Valley, which is California. So so one of the answers was Utah, yeah, and one of the most Colorado, and one of them is California. And then there was another one that definitely

wasn't it. But I brought Studie up and said my in She said her instinct was California, and I said my instinct was Utah and she said, well, the question is really asking this And I was like, well, that's Death Valley and she said that's in California. I'm like, was that the answer? And we struggled for about six minutes to give that answer. You weren't. You did an

iconic red dress with an iconic red lip. That was Becky sho Cooin's dress that when Becky lost all that weight, she gave me so many of her old clothes and that was a beautiful and Taylor Loft dress that was very flattering on me that I wore too, I think every other show my first year at s now Wow. I remember you showed up in that dress and I was like, well, I'm upstaged. Fuck, it was just a red Yeah, but you knew that you have to wear a bold color on cam. You knew that. And there

I am in a gray shirt, gray bow gray. But look oh but soon and I have both accompanied you at these iconic shows ABC shows, even which we I I we iconically go to ABC Daytime Shows. That's something that this this is our history as we go to Iconic Daytime ABE Daytime ABC shows. We are all holding hands. So anyway, I cut you off when you were telling the colloquium story. Okay, So there was this uh where Adam yo, and there was this class called Colloquium that

we took our freshman year. So Matt and I were like both essentially freshman in the department and it was like you had to write a five minute scene a monologue. It was a monologue because it was you had to in colloquium. You would write a scene and then you get the other writers in the class to act out

a scene so you could see your own work. So then on the first um day we had to write a monologue and performance so that you could know who of the writers in the class were good act Well, the way they phrased it was like, so you can get a sense of everyone and how to cast them. But this was kind of saying, yeah, if you're a performer, show us so that we can use you in the scenes. So, um, I think you went first or I went first. I'm

sure that I went first. I because I remember leaving to go to the bathroom after I'd gone, and what was your monologue about? My monologue was what I did was I cheated. I did not write it in a riginal mono. I absolutely knew that you were Okay. Well, I put my iTunes on shuffle, and every time it ends on a different song, I wrote an anecdote about why that song was in my library and yeah and so,

and it was essentially it was like storytelling. I no, no, no, no no. But so then he's like talking about He's like, okay, so I'm on um, I'm in Long Island, I'm at this concert or whatever. And then I was like, this bitch is improvising. You could tell he was improvising. And I was sitting here and I was like, he's very funny. He's a very good actor, he's very charismatic. He did not write all of this down. He's making it up. And I was kind of like, who else I would say?

I would say that it was all written down, but I was taking liberties based on what people were responding to, and that is performance. Wow. And then I sat down feeling feeling like I had crushed. I felt like, Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Went to the bathroom, and not for nothing, but these writers weren't like crushing it, and I felt I could go to the bathroom. I'm

in the bathroom. I took about two minutes, and then I walked back and everyone was laughing and this girl was on stage and it was suity and I was like, oh, finally someone's like got something up there. And it was a sorority MODELO. It was like, I was, you were a sority girl like getting people to come out for Russ I was, I was. I was like pumping. I was a freshman girl, like pumping herself up to pledge

right right right, And it was really funny. And I remember thinking, Okay, well, I guess like that's the girl I'll cast in my scenes. And then Billy Domino was also there, who was also about a longtime friend. He was for those of you who might know, he was the one who wrote the Seinfeld eleven spec script later on and he wrote for family Guy and he's our

good friend. He was so funny, and he was wearing a salmon jacket, which he also wore for every single gentleman party show brings salmon jacket and I'll never forget how horny I got for this funny man in a salmon coat doing a crazy and then he cast us in his scene, and that he wrote a scene which was you were My Wife, and I was calling Broadway to try to get tickets to cast which I just closed, which had just close. It was us a scene with

us in the hotel room. It was very funny, and I remember like we took taking it really seriously and whatever, and we do the rehearsals and then we're about to go up and this is like also Matt and I are definitely like actors who are right Like we were both like to scared to be we're too scared to go an audition and being the studios ye titian. So we were like, oh, we get to write and perform whatever. This was getting us horny. And then I will never

forget Matt turns to me. We were about to go up, and Matt turns to me and he goes, just so you know, I'm really going to commit, and she just nodded like m And I was like, what did you want to say to him in that moment? Well, I like understood because I was like, he doesn't want to be caught trying. He doesn't want to go out there and really do it, and especially like coming from like our high schools, which was like a lot of like people not taking anything seriously, and and he was like,

just so you know, I'm really going to commit. And I took it as like he doesn't want to be out there alone, and me, I'm thinking, bitch, I'm going to get my lap I don't know who's actually great. And then we really slayed. We did very well, and the scene was funny. That's why, well, I mean it

was it was mad. I mean, like, I don't know, it's funny thinking about both of you when we I knew you in college and just like how much raw talent you had and how like from a very early time in our lives people were just like that person is really good at a school full of very good people. And then now to like see how you've honed it and how you've developed it and like who the artists

you are today. It's um corny because I think I think back on my time in college and I just I fucking cringe, like about just about like the jokes I would make on stage. I remember my first danger of boction I made. It was a dumb like pseudo dandip bit that I made up on the spot. I was like, it was there was It was an initiating I initiated a scene. It had nothing to do with the monologue, had nothing to do with any any idea generator.

It was just me and Nicole out there and I go, you know, you think Gandhi's in hell because he wasn't a Christian like it, it was not. It was me trying to be funny, which is like Cardinal Sin was like a pre selected line that was me Like feel like a lot of college improv is like that. I know.

But and then I just I truly think about my behavior at Hammercats shows, which the sketch coup at anyone that Study and Matt were both on and I would go to it would go to those shows fanatic and I would just be drunk off my ass and I

would just happen. I'd be like, I'll never forget, I'll never forget we were And I was in a video sketch called Topless Scene, which was my my sketch where it's like these young boys who are like so excited because one of them is like they're so horny and they're like, Okay, my uncle has this DVD laying around and it says it has the best top of scenes. He's always talking about this, that the time codes written. The time codes are written right here. It says, this

is where the best ship is. Like it was like a porny video and they put it in and it was me and Gina Phillips. Oh my god, I love Gene and and the game was that it was me showing my titties, my nipples, like revealing them slow like a like a woman does, like a gorgeous, tastefully done nude thing. And I kept showing my breast. I think I might put that online actually, but I remember hearing

you screaming it was great. It was funny, well people, because in the audience it was actually terrible because people and like the in front of me would be like, that was me. That was me at the improv shows.

I will be screaming at the improv shows now if I saw someone out like that, fuck you know what I you know, it's ketching up all the time to you and that you're always like, oh yeah is and I fucking this is one of my favorite Hammercats Sketches was the DVD commentary of Doubt and It's duty and it's like I'm the direct dri right aund the producer, and then studios like, hi, my name is Barbara. I was Craft Services, and then like all the people would

like chime in with some dating that together. I don't think that was me. I think it was just you and you know what it might have been you and David Cera and then like your character, we're trying to be like yes, and that day on said we had a cob style. Just thinking about a time in my life where I would laugh at comedy. Wow. I mean that was something that like when I did improve, people would be like, you're so supportive. I love it when

you're in the audience. You're such a supportive like audience member. And like cut to me at s n L at a table read reading something that I know is objectively funny and me going suti laugh because I want, like the stuff that I know is good to get laughs. It's like I have to be like, well, it's become your job. It's become literally your job. It's the currency which is which makes it like co modified in your own brain. Well, I also think it's just like full burnout.

And also like I'm not I've seen so much. We've all seen so much, so you're excited by less. It takes more to get you excited. But I mean, like, I'm not saying that I like fake laughs in the table read. I'm saying it's like I'm reading a sketch that I know it's funny, and I wanted to be on the show. Therefore, I have to like force myself to be like, that's a joke, Sudi laugh even though I'm my brain is saying this is funny and my

body isn't laughing. He's talking specifically about your own sketches. No, I haven't laugh at my own sketches. I like full If you see me in my own sketches, I am subterranean. I like hide my little head. I like. And then a lot of times I turned to brand and I go, I'm sorry, because, like, if it was my pitch and it didn't go well, I mean, even if it's going well, I'm usually hiding. I'm hiding no matter what, And afterwards I'm beat red. You want to know, I think she

wouldn't mind me sharing this. So I sit next to dressin at table reads, and well, first of all, the experience of table reads is crazy because when your sketch is about to go up, you know the order and you know your sketch is about to come up, and I just do this thing where I just literally brace myself. I just put my hands on my knees and he and also the couple of sketches before you sketch, you're not you're not paying attention. You're not there at all

at all. So I'm just like planting my feet on the ground. I'm like stay grounded, like feel your feet. This is where you are just like living in. And then the most of the time it fucking eat ship.

And then I'll either get from dressing like like a like a like a very like understanding but like you tried like a couple like tap tap or like sorry you know or like sorry or like you know, when something goes well, She'll be like She'll it'll be like a stroking and a rub and I'm like, oh I did, Like that's like my marker for like it's so it's

such a crazy. It's also like calming. Yeah, you know, I gotta say I just love it when Anna, I just love it annas like it's like a nice check in and also like nice to be like, oh I I'm not going through this experience alone, you know what I mean? Yeah, And it's fascinating to find out how it happens there. It's live. They have never reader, they have never discussed this with me. They don't ever what happens. But what happens at that job reader? It is behind

closed doors. And I've never even heard the words table read and I didn't even know there was a table read. That's how it works. What is it? Honestly in media, there's nothing about how SNL works. Yeah, I don't know scenes and this is the only chance will ever get to know that this is how it happened. No one in news media has ever asked the question, so what is a typical week at SML? Like nobody, I don't even know. So on Monday, what happens, ma'am? Okay, man,

I don't want to talk about this. Isn't it weird? Okay? So wait we have to say so at Nantucket. At Nantucket, you I haven't caught up. I haven't seen you guys, And you guys got back. So we went to you got an Award for As with Heidi Gardner and Miss Jane Curtin and and and beats and um, that was wonderful. And then we were talking the next day about the job, and out of nowhere at Brunch City just goes, I don't want to talk about us, and I was just like, can we just stop? I'm sorry, And then I go,

and then I got I'm sorry, I'm psycho. I'm sorry, I'm psycho. I'm sorry, I'm psycho. Still I understood why I didn't want to talk to that lately though, Like I have just been like getting into panic situations or like sometimes and I never used to be like this, but like sometimes something's happening and I need to just like go, you know, or if it's a conversation, I'm just like, can we start talking about this? Like I just it just I don't know. Yeah, I don't know.

What is that? Do you feel more anxious recently? I mean, right now, in this moment that we're recording this episode, you are working on a million different things. I don't know what it is. I think it is. I think it is like panic and feeling uncomfortable. I mean, not in that situation, that situation I was just like, I kind of maybe clock that we had been talking about work,

and you know, it's never like relaxing. It's interesting to talk about, but it's also like the thing that I talked about the moment sometimes I forget that, you know. It's like, I mean, honestly, like I feel like you like to talk about it um less than therapy though, you know, if stuff is going on, you want to like be like, so, this is what happened at work. But I guess I just feel like I don't know in terms of the like leaving. I think it's me

just not It's just like a survival tactic. It's like I don't know what's going to happen if I keep doing this. Yeah. Well, I also think it's like it's hard to it's hard to be. I mean, I've been experiencing this over the past five months. So it's like when you were busy professionally. Um, the the and God bless and we thank God, God, We thank God, God, thank you and God? Which is who is God? Again? We said at the beginning of the Happy, Happy Birthday God.

Every year he has a birthday. It is Christmas. Yes, honey, all right, So when you are professionally fulfilled or busy in that way you freak out about personal life. Yes, I mean that is me is and when you so. Sudie called me a couple weeks ago and was in a state and I was like, what is this? You were speaking in a tone of voice I've never heard and like a date hadn't gone well or whatever. Do

you care if I say this? Well? And then I was like, Okay, I think what's happening is like you're just overwhelmed and like you put a lot of pressure on the personal life stuff because you don't have too much time for it. And I guess advice that's like

like you know what I mean. It's like when when you choose to spend an evening with someone, it's like if it doesn't go well, it's a little anxiety inducing because like that was like maybe the one or two nights of the week where like you had time for that. Also for me too, I think like this situation. Basically I went on a date with the guy. It was like a second date, and I had drank a little bit too much and then I was just kind of

like I need to go. I don't want to do this because I wasn't having a good time, and I sort of checked in with myself. We're moving to like another bar, and I was like, I'm not having fun and I'm making this fun for the both about why am I making this happen? I'm being charming, I'm being perform yes, And I was like, why am I doing this? This is not what I'm feeling, which is something I have a tendency to do, which is like I do too much like if if if a situation is quiet,

I feel like I have to make a conversation. Like it's always like, you know, the ball. I always feel like the balls in my court. And so then I was just like with this guy, and especially with like dating, I'm like, what's going to happen? He's gonna take me to my apartment and then is he going to try and kiss me? And then I'm going to have to say no? Or is it going to have to be a conversation? And I mean I wasn't like scared or anything.

He was like perfectly nice or you know whatever, but I was just kind of like and also I was drunk, and so we were by the street that I would turn on to go home, but we were going to another bar, and I was just like, I have to go. I'm sorry, I have to go. I'm sorry, I have to go. I'm sorry. And then he was like it's fine, Like that's fine. Um. And then she called me and was upset and I was like, yeah, you were upset.

I know. But this is why I love about New York because like you can be like on the phone and nobody looks. I was embarrassed for point two seconds, and then I was like, it's Williamsburg. It's Thursday night at around ten pm. I'm actually acting normal. But I could tell that I could tell that you were beating up on yourself. Yeah, for reasons that were like I think you know what I mean. It's just kind of the thing of like and also who cares at the

end of the day what this person thinks. Oh yeah, I think you were like worried about the decorum of the situation socially, and it's just like at the end of the day. Okay, So I'm gonna share this. My sister just left her job, like she's she's been very miserable at her job for a while, and now she is gonna, you know, try something new. She might even go go to culinary school. I'm really proud of and so um, I said to her. She was asking what was going on with me? And I've been tild I

was updating her and she was like. I was like, what's up with you? And she was like, oh my god, I'm so upset, Like, um, I really not happy at my job. And I said, I just flat outside. I was like, well, you need to quit and she was like, I know, I know, I know I've needed to quit for a long time. And I was like, well, you don't have an excuse now that you know you know what I mean. Now it's on you if you keep

going in there and are unhappy. And she said, I'm nervous that if I go in there to my boss's office that I'm gonna cry. And I was like what is this. I was like, you know who cares? And I said to her, I I said to her, and I would say to everyone, your emotions are a strength and we have to always remember that, like, yeah, you don't want to be a fucking mess everywhere, but stop being afraid and anxious that you're going to have an

emotional reaction to something. And that is something in our culture. I think with a lot of people where they say, well, I don't want to be too emotional, I don't want to be disturbance. I don't want to be disruptive parts of yourselves. I mean, I'm like a big compartmentalizer, big compartmentalizer, and I just think, like, first of all, because if you're a woman, especially in a workplace, and you're cry or emotional or get angry or whatever, you're immediately labeled

as crazy. I mean the amount of times that I've been in a conversation and I think especially happens with comedians where it's like, oh, how she she's crazy. I hear that all the time, and sometimes I'm just like, actually, all the time, I'm like, no, that's actually psycho. When we were in Nantucket, I did this panel um uh with these ladies of s n L. And it was in a church. It was in a big, beautiful church, and there was a minister there who was um first

of all gorgeous hot. So I mean, I don't know, Priest MSR, I don't know. I'm I'm I'm I don't know that. I don't know that world. Yes, female had was beautiful in tan Um like a woman in her forties with gorgeous arms um obviously ran you know, runner's arms. She was wearing a blue sleeveless like kind of a sleeveless turtleneck that was um showing that she was a runner obviously, and a black knee length skirt, and she

was gorgeous. And I remember clocking like female priest. And then somebody made a joke about like cursing in the church, ha ha ha. Then I'm on stage and I said fuck like four times, ship like three times, which I don't really think I talked like that, and I did a bit of like sorry God every time and then, which is funny because it's not real, and that was why it was funny to me. I don't know if anybody was like on that base reality with me Nantucket,

especially like the kids and the old people. But um, I'm like sorry God. And then we go off stage and somebody like mentioned it and I who cares. They're just words, they mean nothing, you know what I mean? And then I was like, oh, I was surprised because I think that I didn't realize maybe how shocking it genuinely was, or scandalizing it genuinely was. And then I

was like, should I feel bad about that? And then I realized, no, No, it's so strange when you have to censor language, when when you get when you come upon a situation where you have to sensor your language, I have to actively do it well and that in that scenario, it's like, it's not it's it's just this very general, broad global way that you're using these words that would offend someone quote unquote, but it's like you're not calling someone well. I said fun God, and I

bared my breath. But it was asked me, you know, is it hard to be a woman in comedy? And I said, fun God, and I bared my breast. But it was like, happy birthday God. It was a happy birthday to God is a straight, good blooded America. God is actually one of the hornyest men I've ever met. God. Actually, um, yeah, let's just say God has a real mouth and a real dick on him. Now let's let's say that I want us to check in. So this is summer. God's

like David Dukovney in Californication. That's exactly what God's like. That's who I imagine when I imagine God, And oh God, there's that disgusting poster where it's all those women's disembodied women's hands all over him, and it's like it's like a Marsha when a woman is just a body parts that Well, yeah, it's Marsha Belsky. No space like a faceless one. I want to check in its summer of count to the clumps. Um, how are we doing this summer?

Let's let's get let's go around the table. Um, let's see, um, let's see. I have definitely lived a little life over the past five Do you really have know what have you been doing? I don't know what. Um. I have experienced life in a new culture, and I actually grew to really enjoy that and the space I was given to be like examining my personal life definitely made me a little crazy there for a minute. Okay, definitely made me a little crazy there for a minute. I've had

some experiences with men that have left me. So it's the it's this the fact that you had this space to examine yourself that was crazy making. Well here's the thing I think, had I like been doing my thing and also like once the other two room ended, I was still in Los angele List for a little while, and so then I was kind of like there for

a few couple of weeks just because I wanted. I scheduled a couple of weeks at the end of my l A trips so I could take meetings and hang out, and I wanted to enjoy the weather and just be there for And so in that time, I let myself get absolutely hung up on one guy that I hooked up with. I had something go on here, and then I felt like a true nineteen year old for someone

that really didn't necessarily deserve that of me. And then and and so it doesn't matter how real it is or not, but it just because I was given the space to do that, I was cuckoo. Then without saying like too too too much, like a friendship developed into something and now I'm going to like see what happens. And so now I'm kind of that sounds very nice

and grounded and cool and actually very mature. And I have been really waiting for something nice and ground that I'm cool and mature, and I just hope that that um continues to be the case. UM. But it's just like it's interest new feelings, and so I think that was also a little bit of an element of an element of why I wasn't said to come back. Something

I didn't expect to happen happens. Also though, I think that in a lot of like what you're doing now, and because there's so many changes and there's so much stimulation, and it almost like kind of feels to me like you're going l It was like almost like college point too. It's like a big new social scene that you are a part of abroad. Yeah, exactly, and like you're falling into this. And I also feel like something that you could marinate on and it doesn't have to be right

and it can change. But listen to yourself when you talk about what you want, because I think that you don't really know what you want and that you you you can sense something happening. But then also sometimes you go back into yourself and you're like, well, this is who I really am or this is my lifestyle that I like. And I'm not saying that there's like a right or wrong answer, but I do feel like thing that you could meditate on is like what am I

looking for? Yeah, I mean, yes, I think, I think, I think honestly, it's it's hard right now to even think about what you want while things change so much, you know what I mean, Like it's just so much just changing right now, and that's it's great and it's exciting. But yeah, but sometimes you just have to be like everything is in flux right now, and like, especially when you're traveling and doing a bunch of stuff, you just kind of sometimes such to be like, wait, all parties

involved are playing everything very cool, and I'm grateful. That's great. And I think maybe what study is saying is and I think I'm butchering the actual like terminology here, But it's like narrative self versus experiential self, where it's like you gotta lead with the narrative self, where you you've got to know what your story is, like what the story of you is right now in this moment, Like I story of you has never been to What is the story of you? And who is the author of it?

Is it you? I think it is me? Yeah, I don't think it's good. I'll tell you this. I did something last night that I never do. What which is I dismissed someone? Oh, I Matt told me about this. So there was someone that this person that that you've met, this person decided that you were talking about. This person decided they were going to hook up with me and Bowen.

I love coded podcast language. I love this. I love it on this, and I love it on Seek Treatment because I'm listening and I'm doing my own detective work and I'm putting together the pieces and I always wonder if other people are doing it too, And right now we're in coded podcast language and I'm loving. But the thing is, like, um, this person decided they were going to try to make romantic advancements on Bowen and Matt Rogers,

and I said that's not cool. And when I saw him, I said, you need to understand that's not okay, and you need to now turn away from me and walk away. Don't you love it when you have the moral high ground? Yes? I do electrifying when somebody has done something objectively wrong and you get to dress them. And I never do that because I don't think I'm the kind of person

that does that. But I felt, I felt that that this needed to be a couple of moment because why are you trying to funk up my Why are you trying to funk up my friendship? Because honestly, even if that wasn't the intent. It wasn't not an uncomfortable moment, and it was a very uncomfortable moment, and just get the funk out because you do not matter in the grand scheme of this. I'm pointing to you and I so get do not think that you are going to have anything to do with any drama here by family.

We are family, and I truly, I mean, for me my issue with this person, and it didn't end terribly, but I just had to be very clear and I had to be like, these are the boundaries that I've had to redefine again and again for you, and I would hope that you respect those um and so yeah, that was mine. It's just like that was crazy, okay, And I felt proud of myself that I could do that. And I don't think me six months ago would have

been able to stand up for myself like that. I think I would have tried to be congenial and be like, it's okay, I understand people make mistakes, but that person tried to hurt us. You don't think that you and I at some point though, could share not share a lover, but like absolutely not. Really, I don't want to do that I don't want that to be part of our our story. I think if you, I think, here's here's

here's what I think. If I were to hook up with someone and then whatever you told me like this means something to me, I would give you that blessing. I might feel about it a certain way, but I think I think that's the difference to like, it's like, do you feel like you this is really worth it and this is a future with somebody you have a real connection, or is it just like getting your dick wash? I mean, I will flat out say right now, my ex boyfriend now dates my one of my best friends

from college and someone I roomed. I was his roommate in college. It was one of the stupidest things I've ever gone through. It was emotionally insane. But are they better together and happy together? And should they? Should they be that? Absolutely? When something is real, you step to the side, right, you do, And that is the difference. So you ask, could we ever share someone like that? Absolutely? If it meant something to you? Okay, don't you agree?

I agree? I totally agree. But I've just this thing I knew was like a frivolous thing, and so I was just like, you know what, go learn and get some life experience away from me and my best friend. Learn, Go learn, Go learn, and reader. If you're interested in Boon Yang or Matt Rogers or both, you gotta pick. You gotta pick one. Go learn, Go learn, though, go learn first. I don't want no unlearned, man, I don't want to unlearns okay, But anyway, Yeah, and then you

know professionally. Now, I'm kind of it's so funny that summer of even like, what is it last year? It was like we were all single for the first time and we're all I'm still single. Wow. Has it been like a flat year for us? No, that's not true. But I'm just saying, like, you've had some pursuits, but there's no displacement from when we were starting from summer

last year. I think a lot of things have changed from somewhere I've last year profession and like in terms of like the way we live, our data for all three of us. Absolutely, I would say I also went up. I think somewhere count is also slightly about fitness. No, ma'am, here's my thing, here's my thing that I've been thinking about. Visa v fitness and you have been thinking about it. I well, I have psycho moments of being so hard

on my body. And I was having a moment this weekend where I was talking about and I was just like, I'm going to get it together and I'm going to be one of those people and I'm going to be one of those people that has like a transformation and changes my body and my lifestyle and all this stuff. And I you called me out and you were like kind of like the fourth or fifth time I brought this up, and we were in the pool, and you

were like, Sudi, why are you talking like this? Like if the studio I knew in college heard you talking about this, you would be like funk that, Like you know, like yes, I did say that. I was like, you know, the younger version of you would think that you're one of those girls right now. And I want you to have I want you to like be happy with what's going on, you know what I mean. Like, Also, the thing about my body is that I have been the

same way since college. I mean it has really never changed that much, and I've always felt bad about it, but also always never really done too much about like you know, let me really change my diet or like, you know, I go everybody goes through like little periods of like I'm doing it. But I think that this is something that nobody really talks about, especially in our industry, because it is a fact. It's just taken as like a fact of society d or a fact of social

media or whatever. But it is unchecked value in appearance. There is such an issue with unchecked value in appearance and giving people snaps and clicks when they show up fabulous when they get snatched, you know what I mean, And it causes such a psychosis in such smart people, deep people, intelligent people. And I grew up with a mom who would say looks don't matter. She would say it all the time, like anytime some of us got complaining about whatever. She had two daughters and she was

just like, looks don't matter. It looks don't matter. And I don't know if anybody heard that when they were kids. Maybe I was lucky to hear that when I was a kid. But I just feel like it it takes up so much of our brains. And I I've been thinking that I should really just like write down how many times I have a negative thought about my body and because I think it would be staggering and that's not who I am. That's not who I am. What do you think that? What do you think changed that?

I think social media like you know, pulling a look. I feel like there's and I love when people pull looks and when people I love to look good, and I like fashion and it's a way to express yourself and express your personal style. And I think all those things are good. But then it comes into like a zone of like it's something that feels mandatory and therefore

it feels like not choice. It's like you and you and I at the Christmas party this year, We're like, let's get dressed and let's go on the hall and take pictures of each other, which is not which is not like a morally bad thing to begin with. It it's not, it's not this. It does kind of feed into some aspect of unchecked uh like appreciation of beauty. But it's also like would we have done that, like had social media not being like I mean, we wouldn't have.

And I also think it's like the thing that bumps me out is a lot of people that I know that are really really smart and really intel leigent, and we talk about the appearance of them or whatever so much, and then I just think, sometimes, are we being shallow? Is that person a shallow person? Is this a shallow conversation? We never talk about being shallow? And guess what all

of it? Absolutely? Do you ever think about the fact that because we were coming up when Facebook was popular and there were so many pictures of you in your photo section, whereas now with Instagram you put up one a day or a few every few days, and how many likes that one gets is kind of like the barometer for how you feel right now, and you're you're really choosing to represent yourself much more singularly, are much less often well, you're commodifying also, like everything about yourself,

your personal life, what you do in today versus your art. Yes, oh my god. Yeah. And so it's like it's like a weird thing where it's like like the comedian Instagram of it all, where it's like, you know, are you doing bits all the time? Are you posting a nice picture of yourself that was professionally taken? But I think there might be something to this thing of social media

over the past few years. I think it's specifically you can link it to Instagram because Instagram you put up one picture or one story or whatever and then people respond or they don't, and you get good engagement on it or you don't, whereas Facebook was kind of like, of course you got likes on Facebook pictures, but there were so much content on Facebook, whereas like on Instagram, it's kind of like you have a little website pictures, right,

it's just pictures. So it's said it's and that means what we're judging it on is aesthetics only, and especially as you get older and like, um, you see kind of your peers pop off and like get access to eze or clothes and like you know, are able to focus time on their bodies and stuff. It's you know, I mean, I don't want to send judgmental because I also think like a lot of people just naturally do that.

And I also feel like, you know, a lot of people have issues with their bodies and that's always gonna be something that they focus on. And you know, yeah

that my thing. When it becomes feels starts to feel compulsory, yes, you know, when it starts to be part of your day, yeah, part of your day, and also like if I go to an event or if I go to something fancy and I feel like I'm not taking the right picture, or if a lot of my time has been taking a picture or whatever, or if the validation of event is those likes, which I've been in a lot where it's like, you go to the Emmys and the Emmys are not that fun. It's like a big, weird high

school party. The fun of it is like getting dressed up and getting the goddamn likes, but it's not reality. But like, what is like the check diversion of that then, like, you know, like how do you? I mean, I feel like what Matt said to me the other day, which was like why are you talking like this about yourself? You know what I mean? Like I really needed to hear that in that moment because I was spinning out. And it's right, it's not like me. Well, I wouldn't

have brought it up had it not been. I just feel like it's something that feels like it's top of mind for you, and I actually think it might be a response to hey, what you're saying with social media and be you having a lot of stuff going on, and it's that thing of like, well, what is it

that I have going on outside of this? And so I think, I mean, I've been obsessing about my body too over the past like year, like like I was really unhappy with it, like the last half of last year like just tides a lot of depression I was having at the time. And then I sort of like started to kind of like myself again in November December, and then I was in the gym in December and January and not for nothing, but really made that a focus and sort of like started to really like the

way I was looking. Then went to Los Angeles and kind of lost that. But there is something too making those small little changes you do you do feel better. So that's why I think it almost is like it's not unhealthy to talk about this stuff because dietary change that's good for you in so many ways. Well, everybody that like healthy foods and exercise will make you feel better,

absolutely is that, you know what I mean. But I I feel like also though that how many times have you and I or anybody had gotten gone through a period of like I'm going to do this and then it's a momentary period and that makes us feel better and then life, stress, work gets in the way. It's not our priority anymore. And it's not like linear, but I mean that's my thing, which is like how much has my body actually changed? And why have I felt

bad about it this whole time? Right? It's always something else, And I think it's like these things are good to think about because it's great to think I have a fitness goal or it's great to have a Yes, I think it is. I think it is. I think it's fine. Disagree. I think that it can be I can. I think it can be a distraction. And I think that we're all told we're all in this self improvement cycle because that's how we buy things, and we're constantly told that.

Also because diet culture had a negative stigma on it. Now it's all about wellness and so those same things, which is like you know, eat this herb or like you know, have this t and it's healthy for you, but it's really all about losing weight. And I do think that it becomes a focus in a distraction for people. And I think sometimes it's healthy to be like I

don't have a fitness goal. Well, I think having a fitness goal is different than compuls than a compulsory um demand in your brain at all times to think about your body. I mean, I think I think there are two different things having a goal and then sometimes that meeting that goal is fine because why what do you what do you think? No? Nothing, I'm just like I'm

letting it hit me. And I'm just like I'm I'm fully falling victim to this this week, and like in particular, like on weight Watchers, like crazy logging all my stuff. I went to soul Cycle yesterday, but it wasn't because it was like I'm gonna be more fit. It was I was like, I'm gonna like look snatched this because it's pride. I'm just kind of like, when do we get off the wheel? That's the thing. It's like, And

I understand we all do it. Everybody diets or whatever, and and and you have goals and you want to look good and you want to feel good and and that's fine, but but sometimes I just feel like that's the only conversation we're having, you know, And it's just widely accepted that your friend would just be eating less because they don't feel good about themselves. And it's just it's just when do you get off the wheel. When do you stop buying the workout classes? Do you never

stop buying it? Do you never stop thinking? I want this? Now I have that, I want this. I want to have that. Especially if you are given praise and validation for your looks at a young age, you don't know how to get that validation and from from something else where it's ingrained in you. I mean, it's an uphill battle. I feel like there is such a huge system at work to make us constantly think about fitness, exercise, diet.

I do think, even despite individuals and what it's done for people, and that, you know, people who have good intentions, the overall system is get your money, and behind it is Behind that system to get your money is like how impervious it is in our brains. Well, we were just talking to Betty Gilban about this UM and she said that she goes on late night shows. I thought

this was really interesting. She goes on late night shows and guess her hair and makeup done for two hours and literally people are like, you know, really kind of like focusing on making her look like the TV star for her you know, Jimmy Kimmel interview, and then she does a seven or eight minute Kimmel interview, and there's no comment on the fact that, like this just happened to get her ready for this, you know what I mean.

And you think about that and you think every single time you see someone on a late night show, someone has worked to get them to the place where they are television ready. You know, these people that are on Instagram, they have worked to get that picture in the place where it can be up to their standards or up to your standards, and there's never nary a comment on the fact on the work, except for like thanks to my glam But it's just baseline what those people do.

And I do think because of social media and reality TV, we now know what goes behind all of that, and

it's it's it's trickled down to everyday people. I think that's also the thing which is like Kim Kardashian selling body makeup, you know, and it's like that's something that you know, celebrities wear when they're on camera and yeah, I want to cover this blemish or whatever, or like it makes my legs look nice, which is like, sure, you're on camera, you're on a world stage, but are you really telling me that I'm going to walk down my damn day with paint on my legs? Is that

like the next thing? I mean, if we allow it to be yes. And unfortunately, the Kardashians are the taste makers of beauty and that is something that I've had a problem with from the beginning. And it's very warped. And I mean they are literally warped. And I'm not going to be sitting here saying the Kardashians are problematic. It's like the culture is problematic. We have chosen them. We picked them because we didn't have to pick them. We did. Is dark. I know, it's dark. It's dark.

Matt and I were in Nantucket. We were in a free hotel on a gorgeous pool. There was not a cloud in the sky and we're in the pool and I'm going, we're living in health. Society's health. We are

it is. I was just like going down the list and I was like, you know, we have we have mass inherited trauma, and the and the patriarchy is at a peak and it's just like it's just cruelty and cruelty and cruelty and ye, but in Nantucket I've ever been, But it's fine to do that though, I know and like and you hear study talk about this and you're just like, oh, that's the smartest person in the well. The thing is Sy said to me, you know, I city, Okay, this is classic. So we mad Men was huge when

we were in college. And so he turns to me and she goes, mad Men is so good because they understand that human life is forever. Suite understands emotional steaks without murder. It's not games, it's not drugs, it's not um. What is the Brian Cranston drug show? Pretty bad? It's not breaking. It was just people by heart, and that

is what life is. In his disappointment and the reason why I compartmentalize the reason why people are afraid to cry, because we understand that if we tap into that well of how hard everything is, some of us are afraid that we are going to come back from that. I never say thank you I have. I have been so much happier since I started identifying as a crier. I I love that for you. I wish I was crying.

I cry constantly. I love that even I'm here encouraging that, like people that I just meet, I'll cry in front of you know what's sucked up. You know, I just thought I can't cry. I have too much work to do. That's my whole life. Oh, come on, Sudy, that's insane. We've seen we've we've all seen each other. Low low low. I mean, I've had two and a half mental breakdowns in studies office at s NL, and she has fully just been there just to hold my fucking hand, and

she has saved my goddamn life I had. I had emotional breakdowns in front of you. We've all literally that's like what we do for fun now is like we don't like feeling. The only time that we're not like having a deep, like deep probing emotional monologue at each other is like when we're at Disney World. It is like and that's where, honestly, the Disney thing, my my, my fascination and fixation with Disney has made so much more sense to me over time. It's emotional escapism. It's

my inner child being allowed to run free. It's a zone where no one can tell me I'm not I'm not the production value and it's the production value. And also I love the zero g feeling in my tummy. It's fine and I love the cheeseburgers. Wait. When we were in Okay, so I love an excuse to be it. When we went to Nantucket, there was this I know, I mean, I love it. It's psycho that I get the conversation. Well, you know what it is. I think

Nantucket is France for Americans. It is the whitest place I've ever and I've been in some white as places. And literally literally we were at this beer garden by the water. People thought you were he said, he goes, um, there is not a non one person. And then I said over there, and literally we saw one black person. And then I said look over there. And so now we're pointing and staring at people, people of college because we're like, oh look there's one. And so it was

just the worst possible. And then I go, okay, now we're pointing a black man and saying look, okay, not a good lot. Um. But okay, this is a stupid story. But so I'm on this journey of Nantucket and I'm like, you know, going to this event and said I sat at a table at this event um with Brittney Snow God bless her shoe was so lovely and it was Heidi Gardner, Heidi's husband and um, two other people, and it was kind of like I joked that we were

at a wedding for nobody. It was just kind of like, we're all at this event and we're making some small talk. But it was one of those things where like somebody was filling up your wine glass when you weren't looking, and they would just like fill it up and fill it up and fill it up, and the party is wrapping up, and this was something that was like one

of my day after being drunk, like panic thoughts. But I just remember talking that how much I loved Disney World to the table, mostly at Britney Snow and screaming the production value. Yes, that makes me so happy to hear and I can hear your voice the production value. Product value was she into it was Britney Snow into it. She was like, get me the hell out of here. And also that thing where it's like ball is I always feel like the ball is in my court. I'm like,

we're at a table and not everybody knows each other. Okay, what everybody on the table, and you know your favorite vacation. Three of us are conversational maximalists. Yeah, I just I'm either there or I'm like, you know nothing. We think more is more, and bitch, sometimes it ain't. No. I find that even if people think that, they will realize soon that it is more is more. Because I'm the Morrist more is Morris, I'm the I'm the less of the I'm the least of the more is Morris. Yeah,

I wouldn't. I would even move to well, can I tell you? Okay, So this was a funny story. So Sudy and I know it has to do with Disneyland. Actually, so post last summer of cunt recording, Sudi was writing for the first season of Shrill and I went out there to visit her and it was like heat wave. This was in l A. Yeah, the Disneyland in Portland. We went to. No, I didn't know, So we went to Disneyland. It was the hottest day of the year. It was a hundred seven degrees and we were We

went right. We got stoned, of course, as we I want to do. We went right for the Guardians of the Galaxy and mission breakout righte we we get we get in line. This girl comes up behind us. She's in line and we're in line. For about five minutes, and it's going to be about a thirty minute wait. So she starts talking to us. It becomes clear that she's there by herself. She says she's from Alaska. Her husband couldn't come, but she loves when she's down here

to come to Disneyland. She loves to do it. I said, that's amazing. We introduced ourselves. She says a name back, Sudi, here's one name. I heard another, so that sets a reality Becky and I hear Fuffy Beffy. No, you heard Ducky, Ducky. I heard Ducky. So we heard Becky and Ducky. And I'm positive it's Ducky, because how do you miss here Ducky. But there's no way. I heard clear as glass her. My name's Ducky. Here is glass. So we we are talking to her. We're talking to her. We both think

she has two different names. We finally get on the ride and they say how many in your party? And I say, you know what? Three? She goes. I say, yeah, we're three. We'll try together. We've been together, right, that's amazing. Yeah, So we do this ride. Wonderful, It's so fun. The Protection Value production value the way the little raccoon is a puppet, but also he hides Yeah. So then we're getting on um. She says, what right are you going to next? And we're going to cars the Car's ride.

She goes, I was going to head over to cars. There's a pause and then Ducky would you like to come to cars with us? And she goes yes. So we go over there and we're waiting. Oh, well, there was a ride that wasn't working. We went to the Incredi Coster. It wasn't working. It was too hot, So she was she was disappointed and we were all disappointed. She wanted to do it. She was like, oh no, yeah, and then we said, well, we're gonna do this one. She goes, okay, me too, and so then we all go.

We do the single riders, we all It gets to the point where they're going to put me and Ducky Becky in one car and suiting in another, and I just got no, we're going in the same car. And she understood that. While we're in the car, Study turns to me and goes, we have to get rid of Becky. I was like, why, what's her name? She said, Becky? I said, no, it's Ducky. She said, I'm positive it's Becky. And I said, I'm positive it's Ducky. She said, you're

positive it's Ducky. Who wrote I'm sorry, who wrote a good man? It's hard to find that that short story collection, that famous um short story writer from the from the fifties reader. He's not looking at me, Oh my god, don't um. This is a fucking short story out of her book. And I'm sorry, keep going, well, okay, So like, literally we spend an hour plus with this woman. She's also having too fun time fer this is a Flannerer Connor story short. So basically she she goes, we gotta

get rid of her. I'm like, I'm actually shocked that you have not made a hard line. I know I would expect suit had her vacation face on. And so she was being I was being, of course, more as more maximal, as conversational. Les's being like, let's be nice to this girl. She'll leave on her own at some point, for sure, it's not happening. We had reservations at a restaurant. So eventually we just said, which Matt told her that

we were going, okay, well, we're actually gonna go. We we were we were like, we're this is over, now we're gonna go. So then she got both of our emails and never emailed us. But that was it was so much time, and that was the risk you take

when you are more and more maximalist conversationalist. She was very nice, very nice, but it was getting to the point where it was like it was socially you left, You're supposed to leave a socially the cues done, been laid done, been like, ok wow, interesting, but listen, but we had a great time there and you're gonna come with us again in August. I think, so okay, um wait, can we just can we just do we? Do we cover study summer of kunto what's your summer of that?

You're going to be in Portland for July and August. That's your Your summer of kunt is going to be Portland's. My summer of kunt is basically where I'm at is is. Um could never like, imagine I'm going to take you on a fantasy, imagine liking someone. Come on, I think you're going to meet some romantically. I can imagine it.

I haven't even had nary a crush. Nary a single dalliance of a crush besides one that I recently ended in my mind by following them on Instagram because I think they posted a story of their girlfriend and it hurt too much, and also they were getting too hot. A person I don't know, by the way, A person I don't know. An event it did you tell I've met? Don't you dare say a word? Literally, we can't do the coded podcast, but nary a crush. And I just

feel that that is okay. And I I'm just moving along and I'm going to Portland and I'm going to live in my goddamn Portland's life, and I'm going to have Saturday and Sunday off, which will be electrifying. Imagine you can go to a bar and you'll be there working on trail, and I'll be there working on trail, which would be so fun and so many fun people work on it. And it's fun when you shoot on location because it's like summer campus, like we all just

know each other. Patty Harrison be there the whole time. Yeah, that's and and so look, it'll be fun, fucking crew, It'll be good friends fun. I feel like this is true. It's like when things are going well, you freak out about the stuff that you don't have in your life. I'm single, so a thing that I tend to focus on is like that, you know, I don't spend enough time with my friends or like you know, my friends

are gone. You were gone, and like you know, I have fewer friends in New York than I used to or my social time, and I'm trying to trick my brain into just being like, don't worry about those things. Don't worry about those things. That's good because also like it's good and it's fine, and it's fine, and you're fine doing great and you practice gratitude and that begets more joy and all that. And now we turn into you. Uh, this is a thing that I'm kind of talking through

in therapy. Um one time, did I tell you this?

I was telling I was talking to my therapist about like I have all these really like intense, intense meetings and flings with these guys who are either going to move to another city or live in another city or UM are kind of just there's there's some transient, there's some transience there some some some element of like, well, this is only temporary, and so therefore the sticks or either are both lower and higher for me to be like, well, the stakes are lower so that I can just be

more honest with you and say this is how I feel about you because my time is limited, so I'm gonna tell you the truth. And then the sticks are higher because so it's like, um, let's do as much as we can, right, So it's accelerated. So it's accelerated. And then so there's that on one end, and then on the other is I'm going on dates with people here where I'm just like, they're perfectly great people on paper, but the fact that they're here and that they're available

kills any interesting. It's not that scary. It's just that I'm like, not when it's easy, you don't want it, and that's it. And it's like and and and and then like my therapist yesterday was like, why do you want a boyfriend? And I was like, I don't know. And then the best answer I could come up with was to supplement my life that I already have because a lot of things in my life are going well. And she go, supplement, why what an interesting word? Can

you explain? That? I was just like I guess I'm going to draw metaphor right now. These guys that I'm on these short flings with are like are like painkillers, like victing, and then the a boyfriend would be like a vitamin. It's the difference between like something sustained and something that's like helps as opposed to helps as opposed to sueze. Helps is not you scratching an itch. It's just you like keeping your permanence going, like making your

whole body holistically better. And it's like, oh, I guess I'm just not ready for the vitamin, and I only want I also feel like in our society, relationships are an accomplishment. Finding a partner is, yes, it's framed as an accomplishment. Finding love and somebody want to commit to is a beautiful thing, but it's I think it's like the word accomplishment I'm using really specifically because it feels

like an accolade. And I feel because of that, a lot of people, especially women, settle, because it's that thing that if you don't have is you didn't get that trophy, you didn't get that ring. Literally, and I think love is beautiful, and I think commitment is beautiful, and that is like true, and I don't want to take away from that, and that can be such a gorgeous, gorgeous thing to have in your life and honestly a fucking miracle. And I'm not taking away from that and that truth

and that beauty. It's the frame of it, especially when it's like we're moving in together and we're getting married and these steps and that steps, and I catch myself in that line of thinking all the time, which I never thought that I would be that girl. I never I never thought, God, this is what I mean. You know what studios are sucking, friend Lebowitz, you know, like she what a thinker? What a mind? God damn it, Sudi.

I wish I could shut the funk up. No, I always think that I'm in my house and I'm just like I wish I could shut the hell in terms of your brain too much. Yeah, I mean, I'm an overthinker. I think what also, like I listened to Um, I don't know, I just think like in the times that we're in and there's just like a lot of like so much trauma, so much anxiety in the air. I mean, it's such a dark, dark time and it feels like it's only getting worse, and I constantly feel bad and

I'm just trying to figure out why. Question do you think I'm not either? And now that I'm back, I do want to go, but now I don't know where I'm gonna be. Just saying, can I ask you a question? Do you think that the fact that you are sort of obsessing over this thing could have to do with the fact that you write on shrill oh about like body sticks. I mean totally. I mean it it's you know,

conversations that we have in the writer's room. I think it's like, you know, in college, but it's been an idea that has been in my mind for a long time and I'm definitely not the only one think about it.

In college, I took this women in Media class that really blew my mind, and we read this book that's a very famous book by Naomi Wolf called The Beauty Myth, and it truly blew my mind because it just broke down you know, how beauty is an industry and there are billions and billions and billions of dollars focused on women feeling bad about themselves so that they will buy more products. Is a distraction that makes us weaker. It is, Um,

it's it's it's it's an effort to control us. And you know, there was just a New York Times at bad about this, and I'm also like, you know, there's now this like intuitive eating movement. I'm not the only one thinking about this, but I think that it was something that I had always thought of, because you know, I'm trying to be a fucking woke us feminist bitch. But definitely Shrill makes me think about it. It It makes me really proud that I'm on to show that talks

about it. Yeah, I was thinking about what it must feel like to to work on a show that this is very much like a central idea, and then also work at SNL, which is you have to think about the reality and the dark darkness of the world, you know what I mean. It's like those two things are maybe the fact this is not to me therapye you or whatever the word would be, but you know, UM, the fact that ARM channelized, the fact that those two

things hold such a thing. I mean you are literally working with those ideas, I mean, writing on the other two. I found that, um after it rapped, once I was given the space to think about relationship stuff. I really was, because you know in the show the character deals with

a lot of relationship stuff. Well, I think that it can be just so uh liberating on the one hand, to be to see dark days and politics and talk about snel, to see dark days for women and talk about it in a shrill and you know, everything in between. I also feel like I've always been the type of person where I'm like giving the truth I want to see. Yeah, I always want to know. I want to be out

of the cage. I want to know the cage. And I said this to you the other day or like a couple weeks ago, which was like, I can't be friends with liberated with women who aren't liberated anymore. I always say, Sudy is the one who first showed me all the Pepsi cants offer X Factor, Remember I said, I said to her, I love the come over and watch the X Factor. I love it. And there was a scene where a girl in a short skirt sang a song for Simon Cowell in his backyard and she said,

look at all the Pepsi cans. Look how they they slowly pan up her body and in every shot there's a PEPSI can everywhere, and I was like no, and I was like she was like yes, and I was like no, no, no, and she was like yes, and human life is suffering. It was just, you know, it was just PEPSI. But you know what you used to do, which I think is you've grown so much in this way. Is that I remember because I think also like it's just our upbringings or whatever what we were interested in.

We were just sort of in different places. And I feel like it's you became more politically aware and more aware of just kind of everything going around you. In the beginning, you used to resist it and go like, well now I feel stupid and I feel wrong for not seeing it, and that was your reaction a lot. And I got to say, you do not do that anymore at all. I used to say that. I don't even remember saying. You would get defensive. We would like like study you know what, It would tell you something

about well, that's actually how this works. Like we we would probably because we're assholes, because I was about to say we probably came at it from the wrong angle too, but then like, yeah, I would two year old being like well actually, and then your class just told me truly and then you but then your your knee jerk thing was like, well, I didn't know that, and now I feel worse for not knowing. And now I don't think you ever, ever, ever go to that place anymore,

which I think is perfect ship. Oh my god, you just finished lass. I think that should read less. I've been told that I should read this book. You're gonna love it and study text me right. And the ending is beautiful and I cry every time I read it. I feel that we drifted away from your summer of con Oh no, that's all I gotta say. It's like I'm just like fully all over the place emotionally, and I I am feeling a little overworked, but not not

at the same extent of studios. But I just have these things for it to say that you're about to feel just overworked. I'm sequentially overworked, whereas whereas like you're probably like everything is happening at the same time. I love to be busy. I like being busy, but I'm also like I fetishized my time off for so long while we were while the season was on, and it's like, I'm gonna have a couple of months to myself. I

can't wait. And then I literally got this and I'm so grateful to get the job, but like, I got this job like three weeks after we wrapped, and I moved into a new apartment and that swallowed up all my time and I just didn't really have a chance to, like, but I do think it's good to like check in on ourselves, because for so long we complained about not having the careers that we have and now, you know, I think we got to check ourselves sometimes and be like, yeah,

I am so busy, but like also like that's is that interesting? I mean another thing we just talked about with with Betty was like those times when you struggle in your twenties and you're like, funk, I wish I was like successful. I wish I had money. I wish I like was on I wish I had a TV credit.

I wish I got JFL, you know, I wish I wish, I wish I worked on SNL like all these things, and then you look back and you were like, um, actually, those were really good times, you know, those times when we would travel with like Paparulette and go to different cities and stuff, and like I was saying, threw up ben Uber and then we would just throw up basically in all the cities that we would travel in the Land's the thing about sud Green is when she drinks,

she throws up, and and I'm always and I love nothing more than to be there for her. Yeah, see, not me. I can't when people puker on me, it's a game over now I'm there. It's bad and nasty. And I also am the kind of puker who was like immediately like I'm sorry, like drunkenly with paper Dallas. That's me. That's that's the way. But that's where we came from. And I do. But poverty is never fun. Poverty is not fun, you know what. I was just realizing the other day, Like, remember when we went to

South Carolina. We went like and um, we were in Charleston and there was that really nice restaurants. We were all gonna go to husk and then you and Sudie and I couldn't go because we were too poor. So we had no we had no money. I had no business going there either, but I was deluded. I was like, I'm gonna go a overdraft. Well, your thing is you've always been really good with your money, You've always spent it on the exact right things. You've always had expensive taste.

I know, I know, I'll never forget that mask I was gonna. I was like Marie conding my ship, like for this move. And I came across that sweater and I was like, I can't know, you should give it to me. I was like, I can't throw it that, I can't give it to Mason. Kids soon. So first of all, kids is this is this Japanese brand of clothing. It's like it's that kind of mid price, mid range

luxury fashion. And one day in Popularlett, we were all like twenty two three, we're all like living paycheck to paycheck, working like job down. One day I walk in and I'm wearing this sweater that just says just plain just crew sweater, like that just says MA. And then I and then I just go, I don't was I wasn't proud. I'll tell you exactly what happened. I'll tell you exactly what happened. I was like, that's a nice sweatshirt. You said, yeah,

it's new, it's designer. I said, oh, how much was it? He said, I don't want to tell you I said, what was it like sixty dollars? He said, no, it was more than that. And I said, what was it like a hundred fifty dollars? You said, no, it was more than that. I said, how much was that sweatshirt? You said it was three thirty dollars And I said and we all were like, this was at the time when we would make a popular videos. Remember that, we get a camera, we get a light, and we make

a video. And that was content. And I was like, you could have finance a popululette video and that was like hat like, and you're that sweatshirt is great, And I remember I told you I was such a bit. I said, I wouldn't pay over forty bucks for that swee shirt. It was my first like big, big purchase. And now look at you throwing it out. I didn't throw it out. It's it's in my closet. If it's even better, yeah, oh my god, I feel like, well, I don't know, I'm trying to think, what's the what's

the craziest purchase I've made over the last year? Probably honestly, like, um, I do, but do you guys don't buy ship? Yeah? I mean I feel like a lot of the times I don't know what to buy. But so I'm just like spending like a lot of money on like mid level garbage, like an anthropology. But do you guys feel guilt? Yeah, all the time. And I'm talking about this in therapy. Guilt is my favorite. I love to feel bad and I love to make everything a wrong or right decision.

Guilt is the simplest form of suffering because you can invent it at any time in a way that suits you or um works against you in in a convenient way. Yeah, I feel guilty right now. You can. You can just create guilt out of thin air. And you feel pain. What do you feel? You feel pain, and it's self inflicted constantly I did to myself. And that is what that was. That is what that was. Actually, that is the smartest thing I've said all night, is that guilt

is the simplest form of suffering. You've said so many smart things all night. But but I but I stand by this, guilt is the simplest form of suffering. Can I say two things? As an identast in my summer of com I just want to say, as I was sitting here, I really realized the reason the chief reason I was so upset about coming back from l A was because I missed graded titleman. Of course that was why, and that was why I started crying in the apartment.

And and just the best person, And that is some that I just want to I just want to say said, she and Abe Schwartz are my guardian angels, and they gave me their friendship and their home and I love them so much. And Greta is my sister, and she's all of our sisters. And also speaking of true beautiful love that should be celebrated. Oh my god, just like I could cry thinking about her. We talked today on the phone. But and the other thing is I just want to say one more thing about my sister. I'm

so proud of her. And I didn't want, I don't want to frame her as like this anxious person that that like was nervous. She did it. She she she bucked up and quit her job and left a situation that wasn't working for her. And I'm proud. And that's growth and yes and yes, Queen, and I say yes of corks and yes of corks, Queen, the queens and the dreams and the cream. And I just wanted to shout out both my sisters there, yes, um, and now it's time for I don't think so time. This is

I don't think so honey. This is the segment in which we go off on something in culture for one minute. Um. Oh boy, what what do you think? I have one? I actually have one? Shocking Okay, this is Matt Rodgers. I don't think so honey, and it's time starts now. I don't think so honey. Avocado didn't get the funk lost. I don't understand why people like it so much. And here's why I don't think, so honey. Of the consistency of avocado and things, it frequently stands out. It is chalky.

Honestly it it has like a like clayish like sort of material, which doesn't go well with salad. I'm sorry, I don't think so honey, avocado. You can taste it above all else. If you include avocado in your burger, sandwich, whatever, and you think you're gonna taste anything else, I don't think, so honey. Avocado is here to stay and slay. Unfortunately, avocado is a huge part of wacamole, which I do think, so honey. But if I have to choose. If I'm

giving the choice, I say get rid of it. Also, I don't think, monny, what is it a fruit or a vegetable? Answer? You don't even know? I don't, honey. And if Bowen Yang doesn't know, I don't think so, honey. And that's one. It's a fruit because it's around a seed. Oh, you're right, you know, you're right, you're right. What's that movie Harry met Sally? Oh? Yes, and Power Couple? Oh yeah,

that's right, our couple, you two? Oh my god. Please if you haven't watched Matt Rogers study Green's iconic mini a web series mini series mini series Are a Couple directed by Peter Kelly Wait which was on Above Average and then Matt sent it to me the other day and now it's on Comedy Central. Yeah, you know we didn't do with this whole episode, which I can't believe. We didn't talk about Big Little wise Oh well by you know, can we give one Patreon? Too busy bitches? Um?

But um, what are you thinking? In one sentence? Our last about Big Little last season two? One sentence heightened cartoonish but don't hate it reality candy that could get a little too sweet, that could give you a stomach ache later, And I'm gonna say that it could I see, I see it possibly like being a little too much. I'm gonna say, in the words of a gun, cool, cool, crazy cun it is off the rails. And I just but I also love that. I mean, I love that.

I love that everybody is just at a full twelve. Yeah, okay, I I have my own think so honey about another HBO thing in nice and so I don't want I don't think Sonny as time starts now, I don't think so honey. Euphoria it's really breaking me the funk out because you know why, it's it's euphoria and books are

both making me feel very sexually stunted. And I know it's part of the queer narrative that especially the gay narrative from our generation that like, you know, like we had to sort of like subdue, subduce and do ourselves

or sexualities and whatever. But I'm just like, all these teams, and these hot teams are having sex all the time with all these hot these other hot teams were in some cases hot adults such as Eric Dane, and so you're just like, oh, my god, Like what thirty I wasn't having this much sex and I'm not, am I having the sex I should be having now because I'm I'm I'm catching up and I got a late start and like and it's so see it's like really putting me in my fucking head with with my sexual confidence

and identity. And I don't think so this show that um, you know is is well produced and well done. It's a little that can be a little much and that's like everyone's at a twelve at all times. But like, I don't think it's funny euphoria for just really throttling me, throttling me down the sexual crisis. And that's one minute? Is it good? I like the pilot all I haven't seen the second episode yet, so we're recording this um

right after the second episode here. Apparently the second episode has like the fantasy sequence maybe with the thirty dicks. Never it's never like that and Creak they were talking about fucking prooft when they were seven, you know what

I mean. Like when I was in high school and I was watching the o C, I knew that that was it's all not yeah, but I'm just like I still like you still see it in front of you, and so then you you reflect on it yourself and you're just like I wasn't like that, and so I'm sucked up. Anyway, Did I see anybody having sex at any age on screen? And I'm like, what is that? How are they doing? How? How it? She's great? Is

InCred amazing? Also like Zendia Sendia and we're all learning, and we're all learning how we to mine no one can reach And you're the one I wilmen divide. It's not up to you. It's not up to me when no one can say what I am meant to be? And how can we read? Right? The stars say you amaze, it's so big? Are none of those words are right? It was incredible. It was so good, so good, It was so good. It was so good. It's so good. Are you ready? Yeah? The study greens. I don't think so, honey,

her time starts now. I don't think so honey. Men that I bring back to my apartment making little snide comments about how nice it is. Oh bitch, you threatened. It's like, yeah, I have a nice apartment. I also have four jobs. Nice to meet you, like, I'm sorry that like you have to go home to like your five roommates squat path, you know where you're all just like looking at Tinder next to each other and like sharing one big bowl of rice. I haven't a nice

home that I worked for for. And also when you go into my space, unless it's like, wow, nice apartment or great apartment, I don't want to hear it. I'm doing mental leaps and jumps and I am on a roller coaster to even want to have sex with you. You're playing with fire. Anything you could say could make me have a bad experience. I'm sorry. And for you to say, wow, SNL must pay really good, yeah, bitches, And that's one as if that's some like discovery multiple

multiple man. And also it's like at that point you they're already in your apartment. Sorry, go ahead. It's like I don't want to sound like bougie or whatever then, but it's like you you are saying that because you are threatened, because you now know that I make more. Truly, women wouldn't say that's a man. A woman going over to the house of a supervising writer at SNL wouldn't be like, oh my god, SNL must pay really good.

They wouldn't say that you would, because it's assumed that the guy would have a nicer apartment, except for like in actual real life, where it literally never have. Like imagine if Carrie walked into Mr BIG's apartment, she was like, wow being Mr Big musay really well absolutely not God, Oh my god, I can't believe that it's such. It's also probably so hard to get sorry butt Like now, I just feel like you're threatened or like now it's like a low status situation and it's not horny. But

guess what, I go for it anyway. I feel like my apartment is too small to fuck him. That's not true. I mean I've done it, but like it's it's a small zone. I feel like the thing in your apartment is the ventilation. And I think if you had a lot of sex, it would really smell like I know the last time it was in your apartment kind of in a good way. It's it's never I like a lot of candles. Anyway, it smelled like masturbation last time. Shut up. My apartment always smells like weed and come,

Matt Rogers. That's my fragrance. Though my fragrance. Gay Son will be released soon and it will smell like weed and come for your son who's gay. The tagline for you who's gay, for your son who's gay. He you gotta put that beat in there. Gay son by Matt Rodgers for your son who's gay. Honestly, maybe that's merch. Maybe that's a marriage gay sogn by Matt Rodgers for your son who's gay. Oh quick, pool, I mean I I read this by Matt and we were. We did not come to an agreement about the copy, but I

want I was. I had a prototype design for not a prototype, but for just bowen Yang is a white bitch. So I think bow and Yang is a white Bitch is a very funny shirt. But I wonder if more people would buy it if it just said white bitch. Yeah, but is that okay for people out of to wear a white bitch shirt. It's like a little white pride.

I feel yeah, nice, more comfortable. I feel more comfortable like having that on someone, Like a white bitch should be a picture of you and then the words white bitch, white bitch, and if an ancient person yes yeah, oh yeah, yeah yeah, a picture of you or a caricature of you, and then it says white bitch. A photo picture like glossy, like the ones we get at the mall and the night. Yeah, it should be very nineties aesthetic for sure. Okay, that's it.

Thank you, SUTTI will get a cut of the merchant. She still has not seen any of we literally put her words on fucking merch, and she has not been paid ascent. Yeah well that wasn't part of the agreement that she'd ever be paid, I know, but you know what must really well really well huh well, this has been the summer oft to the clumps and another iconic episode with some Suti another inducted into the three timers club, one of two that it. I think that Pat hasn't

been all three times. Pat's I mean, if you count see culture. But I am truly honored and being friends with you was the best career decision I've ever made. Is the is. I am grateful every day that I'm friends with Sudi Green. Yeah, oh wait, can I can I just talk about the stupid fucking thing I did a couple of weeks ago. I was on my way back from Chicago and and literally you texted me you were like studies And this was after the panic attack.

We'll call it when Sudi Green, when you're blowing out my spot right now? But go ahead. What that I that I called in my my recom No, but I knew that and we all know this is that you were like after I called man was crying, and you were like you should, like you should really make an effort and hang out with the studios, Like okay, great, yeah for sure. And then I go, hey, let's let's go see Shakespeare in the Park on Tuesday when I get back from Chicago. And then the first thing you

said was not oh great or yeah. The first thing you said was did not tell you what. I'm sad, but I love that you did that, and we did that. We're all the time. Yeah, well, guess what I always know when you're talking about me, whenever, whenever I what I want you to know. I have a sixth sense that I always know when you two were talking about I never behaved badly. I behaved well. And it's gilt. Anyway. We end every episode with the song you know want you.

It's not a secret at try what is that ext werence? So what weirdous say you made to be mine? Nothing good to keep us? This was one of the best movies I've ever seen. And Studio Green and I saw it in the movie theater and she said it was disgustingly bad, and I said, it was so fucking good. It was laughably bad. And I thought that we were having a great ironic experience watching The Greatest Showman and

Matt out of spite, I believe loved it. Trying to know who is rumor to never never rumor that Trump fucking loves to trumm it's his favorite movie. This is true because minorities are labeled as freaks in that bood. It's fully like a person, you know, with a woman with a beard, and some differently abled people, light skinned, black girl, and then literally it's like an Asian person and I'll buy no person, and then people of color, and they're like, where are the freaks of the circus.

It's like hold ups, never never, never never for me, We're back, Emma. This has been a Forever Dog product executive produced by Brett Bahum, Joe Silio, and Alex Ramsey. For more original podcasts, please visit Forever Dog Podcasts dot com and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Keep up with the latest Forever Dog news by following us on Twitter and Instagram at Forever Dog Team, and liking our page on Facebook.