Stepmom Presents: The Husband Hunt – “SEEK” (Episode 1)

this is too much. I already I already I already popped open the sugar free Red Bulls so that we could all sort of get started here. Do you want one? Well, I would love one, Thank you. Here you go. So this is our big new endeavor. How boys, this is exciting at least I'm excited. Well I think I'm speaking. I can only speak for myself, and I'm excited too.

I'm so excited mostly to kind of hear from you Will, like what what these people are doing in the in this podcasting space there there are so many, so many new people here that I'm I'm thrilled to play down in front of you. Yeah, well, you seemed really excited all week, and we've been really looking forward to the meeting, and I just want to make sure that it's not to be waste of our time. You guys let me in the door, because I know your time is important

to you and super valuable. So I don't want to I don't want to waste it. Well, why you don't have to get on the actual floor. You're supine on the floor right now. I think some people think better by walking around the room. I think I get more calm, and I think better by lying down then, because you know, you know who recorded her hub like that, Alicia Keys? Is that real? Alright? So what what kind of what kind of I guess what is this a podcast? You want us to produce? This is going to be what

I want you guys to produce. Are multiple podcasts. It's one. It's a podcast called clown Parade, a anthological character piece carefully rated by culturistics, right like a series. And it's a series. And we have a number of very talented individuals who take it over and do there. It's there. It's their time to shine. I see. I like that for this amazing audience we have out there, Let'm intrigued

so far. Yeah, I'm intrigued so far. So you sort of want to use our celebrity yep, it's a skyrocket these well, and I know that that's what you guys want to do as well, our celebrity, right, pay it forward exactly as they said in the movie, pay it for starring the incredible Helen Hunt and Haley Joel Osmond and don't forget, don't forget. Hey, I see him on the list. We gotta take him on. I don't want to produce this podcast. I didn't you know what that was?

Just that was just a spitball. Okay, idea, what is this? And you know what, let's take that off. Kevin's basically master class. No, don't don't read. Don't read you further. Oh my god, you're already fluffing up. Okay, So, who's the first person who's gonna take over this clown parne an anthological character piece carefully curated by Cultures Desk. Yeah, it's a very talented young woman, okay, Greta, Yes, oh Greta's title. Yes, yes, of course she's actually gt actually

is a very close friend of ours. So excited to hear what she's cooking up. It's called step Mom Presents. The Husband Hunt is a step by step guide to getting the life of your dreams the way step Mom wants you to do it, as the saying goes, work is for people who don't know how to fish. Jesus said that. That was Jesus Christ, and I believe to B C to B before Christ. And you guys know that that. Greta is a comedian, actress, writer. She's living

in Los Angeles. O love that, so, which was such as cool to get someone from l A. Yeah, well she she already probably knows a lot about about the biz. And you don't have enough people in podcasting who live in l A. You really don't. There's a huge deficit. Absolutely, it's mostly from Des Moines, Clearwater, Florida, Near Water, Florida, huge podcasting, Tulsa. Yeah, like I said, and omaha, thank you welcome. I think it says okay in your notes.

You can currently watch Greta on the HBO series Lois's Spookies as US Ambassador Melanie Gibbons and what else, Matt, I'm reading her. She was in Search Party and you know, Greta's comedy can be seen on Comedy Central, Vice and of course Instagram, of course course, but now clown Parade, an anthological character piece carefully curated cultures. I'm excited about this, this husband Hunt. Is it going to be graphically violent? That's what that what I've been told. Good, it's gonna

it's gonna mostly feature graphic violence. I love that, which very in you know, on an auditory level, is chilling. Oh gosh, yeah, I love it. The sounds of ripping flesh, screams, bashing teeth, yes, broken tibulus and fibulous, A lot of teeth extraction. Yes, no, this is before I get to gus on the extraction. You normally have it. No gas needed. No, we'll get up off the floor. Let's listen to that. I think, Hey, everyone, let's listen to this. This is

step Mom Presents by Title Man. Is that robbing cabbage? I smell? Oh no, it's you, my little twats and tweakers, joining me, your stepmother, for the very first episode of Stepmother Presents the Husband Toime. That's right, me, your gorgeous stepmother found a warm spot in her incredibly generous heart to gift you, my fellow listeners, a guide to finding

the husband that houses the keys to your dreams. The bag, the money, the loot, the grub, the grime, the gems, the gold, all of the gush in the world is waiting for you. And it's it's simply not that hard, dear, And that's why I'm here to present to you a step by step guide to getting the life of your dreams. After all, the saying goes work is for people who don't know how to fish. And darling, we are in

the deep sea. Now. If this is your first time ever being introduced to me, step mom, I'll tell you a little bit about me. I am the one who haunts your dreams. I am the one you never want to come into your life. Why because I will take everything from you and not bat a lash. I will come in meet your father, snatch him right up in

my very palm. And next thing you know, why, your inheritance, that car you love driving to work every day, Your sweet sweet childhood room suddenly cleared out and now it's my aerobics room. And oh yes, I'm going to be taking all of everything your dreams ever rested on. But don't worry, dearest, If you listen to this podcast, I'll teach you how to ensure the brightest, most bountiful future

for yourself. And you might be thinking, why, Stepmom, this seems awfully philanthropic of you to be doing something as kind as teaching your sinister ways, teaching the tricks of the trade to all of the trollops on the town. And I guess you could say, I did feel a little like giving. You know, all of the greats always do, and I not mean now here. I do believe in karma,

even though she is a bit. Now, let me tell you a little story from my past, a time long ago, when I too was like you, an absolute nitwit stomping around an American apparel, when I was living my life off of the rack and nothing custom, when I was being lord nose embarrassing taking the subway and not a car service. It was back back in the day when I thought I had it all by having a threesome with a skater and an artist, two of the biggest

offenses you can do. While we were out one night dancing, having fun, partaking in a little m d m A, one might say, sipping on some vodka sodas from you can only imagine the well the next thing. You know, we decided to experiment because we're living in our youth bohemia, minded by the fact that it was a dead end. One thing leads to another. We have a threesome on a mattress on a floor Jersey Knitch sheets. It's hot, sticky, stinky, and smelly. The sheets were brown. Who sleeps on brown sheets?

You ask why? The kind of person who doesn't have access to frette. So once we're done rolling around, I obviously didn't come. I say good night and wake up three days later with a bleeding snatch. That's right, A bleeding snatch that smells like rotted soufur. A bleeding snatch that is saying to me, stepmother, this is not the life of your dreams, stepmother. Something is wrong. And what

was wrong? I got the clap that's right, chlamydia. She attacked me because I was making foolish mistakes, trolloping my little twat all around the square, saying, Oh, it's no big deal, I'll just sleep with this. Want to be bosk yacht. Oh it's no big deal, I'll just sleep with this. Wanna be tony hawk weill. It turns out neither of them had any money, so there was no collateral to be collected. If you're going to be messing with someone that can give you such a thing, at

least get money for a dear. And that's when I swore to myself. I swore there was a bigger and brighter future out there for me, even if it involved me riding someone so hard I could hear their arthritic

bones snap underneath me. It was a price I was willing to pay to never get plowed by a hot young thing with the clap Ever again, knowing full well that one day, with the amount of money I will collect from riding someone until they die, but I could just pay my future skater boyfriend to clean himself up. So take it from me. Everyone in your life, as you know it has got to go chow, sayonara, goodbye.

It's time to move on. And if they get mad at you, if they get sad that you're leaving them, well, will most certainly be happy in ten years from now. They can leach off of you at your compound in Malibu. This very first episode, as we are Tigers in the Jungle, is about seeking. It's about finding our prized, prized prey, finding the prey that will soon become ours to keep forever and all of their bank accounts to. So let's

start with what not to do. As I know all of you are out there living absolutely pathetic little waste of life, wasting your time working jobs, dating people that probably smell like PATROLI. So I am here to lay it out for you, stupid, stupid, stupid people as easily as I can. Now. To start, you need to start up sleeping with people your own age. That's right. Chances are they make just as much money as you do, and chances are they're just as lost and confused as

you are. Chances are they probably think the future holds something big and bright for that, when in fact it doesn't. So you need to start getting your life together and wrapping your head around the fact that you are going to be staring at a pair of old dangling papaya balls until the day he croaks, which is hopefully sooner than later. You also need to stop splitting the bill now. Nothing irks me more than when I see young hot foxes out on dates with prized packages saying, oh, let's

split it. No, you will not be spending any of your coin in this seek my dear, you must stop going to the wrong environment. That is our biggest lesson number one when seeking. We would never hunt a tiger in the ocean, now, would we. Nay nay. So all of those little, cool, little kid hangouts you've so enjoyed going to in your post grad years from n y U you can stop attending now. No need to go to Sophie's Bar on the Lower east Side, No need to be going any place offering you a shot n

abir combo. From now on, everything will be fifty plus. That is the crowd that we can get into. That is the crowd that we can manipulate. That, my dear

sweet listeners, is where we are going to seek. No more getting dickmatized by some Pete Davidson want to be because you want to know why they're not Pete Davidson, darling dearest, And even though they're covered head to toe and absolutely disturbed Calvin and Hobbes tattoos or whatever the fuck it, maybe chances are the only way they're getting around town is on two wheels not connected to a luxury vehicle. Now, you need to stop letting these lanky

little skater fox wheel their way into your heart. I don't care if he's won twe me with a dick that's nineteen thousand inches long. The only thing that will make me care about that if he was one hundred and twenty years old. Now. The only acceptable member of a band moving forward is Mick Jagger. None of this. Oh, he's in the second coming of the Strokes, nonsense, any musician. We all know. It's just a life of a tour bus. Dear. Now, do you think that tour bus is going to pay

for your shopping spree at show pard? I think not. That gets me to artists generally speaking, they've all got to go stop trying to live your god forsaken Patti Smith fantasy. It is not nineteen sixty. You are not Andy Warhol, You are not amused. You are living in one fucking some guy whereing god knows what, from who knows where. That is not what we want for our futures. Vegans,

they are absolutely the worst. Now you're thinking, oh, stepmother's because they don't eat meat, that they're not carnivorous little whors like yourself. No, frankly, I don't give a fuck who eats what as long as they're eating my ass. But I will say vegans always tend to have morals and lean socialists, so you must know that your future will not be bright in bubbling coin. Now, A big excuse that I hear from time to time is oh, but they've got potential. Oh, this skater that I've met

in Tompkins Squift Park as potential. Oh, this artist in oh Ma as potential. Oh my boyfriend working a mediocre job at H and R Block has potential. Well, you know what I don't like potential. The only potential I want is a potential that you're going to die after we have signed the marriage papers, Darling. The only kind of potential is the potential for me to absolutely gain every single ounce of your net worth after you have officially croaked at the table. I know that you're thinking, Wow,

this is awfully harsh. I don't think I can get comfortable with the fact that money and this stunning future of my dreams is evil. Well, welcome to wearing your big girl pants. These decisions are hard, but if you want to have a life that isn't hard, you can start by toning down your morality. Now you're wondering, well, stepmother,

this sounds so hard. I'm so overwhelmed. You want me to leave my community, leave my friends, try and force myself to be attracted to these old, archaic pieces of meat. How do I do that? Where do I start? If I'm not hanging out at my dive bars, if I'm not going to the house parties, if I'm not sleeping with someone who has four roommates step mother, where do I go? Well? That brings us to what to do, Where to go, where to seek the prey we want

to catch. Now that we've broken those nasty little habits, we need to cultivate and create new ones that are going to lead to good gains and potential suitors. So the first and foremost step is making sure we are in the right place at the right time. You need to be going to correct events and venues. As this is crucial. You also must learn how to spot the man that is loaded, hopefully more than just his bank account,

and what to wear while doing it. We can start easy a NASCAR events, say, or if you're lucky and you're listening to this in Europe, the Monaco Grand Prix. These events are great for meeting oil tycoons or CEOs of another evil company and I know that. You say, well, I don't want them to be evil. All money is evil,

day or get over it. The good thing about NASCAR and the Monaco Grand Prix is that people go there to flaunt, so it's very easy to spy with your little lie a gold Rolex Daytona or a vintage Brightling or oh is that a Maserati? I spy. Men like to be flashy there, and you need to be a complete dodo. Heead to not be able to clock them. Why they're everywhere? Oh? What is that? You see a Gucci loafer and a man with a cane, you better pounce on that, like Tony the Tiger in the goddamn morning.

But I don't want to pay for tickets to go to a NASCAR race. I don't want to pay to go to the Monaco Grand Prix. Fine, there are always events we can go to for free and not attend ourselves. Such has been not limited to a plastic surgery convention. Why these events happen in gorgeous towns such as Scottsdale, Arizona, La Joya, San Diego, California. Even my Shining Star lost fucking Vegas. You don't need to attend to the convention,

while you can simply find out what hotels are housing them. Oh, is the Aria in Vegas housing a brand new plastic surgery convention for a whole new type of breast augmentation? Do you happen to be there for one night only alone looking for someone to split a gorgeous steak with?

The plastic surgery conventions are harder to spot a real richie rich, but know that for the most part, if they looked taut and tweaked themselves, they probably want to taut and tweak you, and they probably have the money to spend to do it. It's important to remember that warm weather destinations is also ample time for you to show your natural beauty, show that body, show that ass, show them what they're missing, launched in front of their face so they are drooling on their little feet and

come begging for it. Oh, you're too scared to approach someone, bump into them. You see an old old man alone on an elevator carrying a briefcase with a stethoscope around his neck. Just tell them you feel faint and you need them to check you out. It's a perfect intro. Doctors are always good to tell as old as time really, and chances are a doctor at a plastic surgery convention is in it to make money. Dear, they're not saving

the kids. Oh, Gallas, another excellent event, always where rich people go with guilts when they want to feel philanthropic themselves. An event to attend to flaunt thirty forty fifty a hundred K towards some god awful donation. Oh, save the elephants, Save the sharks. The earth is on fire. A perfect place to find a man with completely liquid income to

flaunt about. Find the highest bidder and you've found your guy there there with a date, truck them alone, right down their name and next thing you know, Oh, is that you I see at the golf club? Is that you I'm running into at the deli? Why? I had no idea you'd be here? Pro tip always make sure you do your due diligence on all of these catches. You never want to write down a name that potentially is getting indicted. You never want to write down a

name that is potentially in debt. You never want to write down a name of someone who has filed for bankruptcy. You only wanted to be clean, a clean catch is what we're after. You also want to make sure that they potentially have a few offshore accounts, and it's important you get access to those, but that is something we'll cover in the future. Now that we've discussed in full where to seek, where to hunt, where to find your prey, it's time that I take some of your questions that

I know you've been dying to ask. Dear old step mommy from Germany since the pandemic, I'm having a really hard time committing to anything. I don't want to buy a friend, or a steady job, or even a doc term apartment, anything that ties me down. Fear it's wrong. And now I'm wondering if I'm just valuing my freedom the lot after being locked in for SONA, or whether I'm just scared of commitment. Ah, But maybe my question is how do I get everything I want without committing

to anything that makes sense? Well? Hello, a vitsn from Germany. How do I get everything while committing to nothing? Well, aren't you just aging after my own heart? The only thing you need to be committing yourself to is securing the bag. You need to commit to yourself that the only job you're going to have is spending every waking moment of every waking day finding someone that you can take complete advantage of. That way, guess what, You'll never have to commit to a nine to five in your life.

You'll have all the freedom in the world, not paying for any of it yourself. You'll be able to jet off to Abiza, hop on the boat to the say Chells. You'll be able to take a romp in New York City, a ski and Aspen, a trip to Why. You'll be able to go to Iceland and visit York. If you find someone rich enough, just commit to yourself the life that you deserve, a life filled with never ending fountains of funds. And I know you can do it, darling.

Dear Why, there are a lot of richie riches out in Germany, and if you just get to trotting along, I'm sure you can find one who will only make you commit to them for a short time, that is, until you take everything from them. God speed, dear, and listen to step mommy step mom, my best friend and irable about to turn thirty. We love your advice, dudes, and don't life lessons. We're here for all. Please advise and thank you well. First and foremost, never tell anyone

you're about to turn thirty. Jesus Christ, it's like I need to start at the very first lesson with you people. As far as you're concerned, you will be forever and always twenty seven years old. I don't care if you're fifty five and your marinette lines are cracking off of your god first taken face. You will always be seven. You will always be just out of college adjusting to your adult life. You will always be young and care free. And if anybody asks, quite frankly, dear, it's none of

their business. So for starters, you and your friends aren't turning thirty. You and your friend are turning again. Now. What you and your friends must do is kiss goodbye that old, trollopy life you were living before. Now you're entering a new time, a new era, a new phase. You deserve nothing but the best the world has to offer. You deserve that two hundred and eighty dollar tea bone steak drenched in gold. You deserve that pair of Minola's you've been dying for ever since you watch Sex in

the City for the first time. You deserve whatever god awful, opulent thing your heart desires, and the only way that you're going to get that is by meeting someone that can offer to you. But I would suggests going through your rolodex of high school friends, finding someone who you know is richie rich and hopefully their father is still around, and marrying them. Why it's not that hard, dear. A few years back at home, rekindling old romance with high

school friends, Daddy isn't the worst it could be. It's always a good place to start, especially now that we're aging. Now, if that seems a bit too uncomfortable, I would advise you to start wearing more sunscreen. God, I mean, those melasma marks are just getting out of control. And oh, please, please please, that shirt is just when is that from two thousand six? You need to revamp your wardrobe, darling, and please stop eating so much pork. You're starting to

smell like brine. Does be really clear you out? Here's a little secret from step Mom. You want to really get cleared out for a night of a proper bucket. Wake up in the morning and don't even think about touching a glass of water. You pound a black coffee, and then you pound a V eight. You strap on your little chinelle running shoes and you take yourself for a sprint around the block. That's right, full speed sprint. If you don't come back and spray like a fucking geyser.

And I don't know what will help, but I promise you, I promise you. That is the step mom, douche, Hey, step mom. I'm just wondering if you have any tips on looking your best when you have a little seven month funding around. Oh, a gorgeous mother. You have to love a breeder from time to time, now, don't you now one thing that I was always envious of of my breeder friends, where they're gorgeous, milking luscious breasts. I would suggest squshing those things together in a stunning laperl

lebra and trotting them around town for everyone to see. Remember, you have gorgeous, gorgeous jugs simply dangling off your body, waiting to become your chest butt. Now, dear, if you're feeling insecure about your body, please don't I want you to roll in the sheets with yourself. Remember what makes you tick. Remember that the whole world wants to be fucking you, but only you are going to be fucking

yourself tonight. So when you put that little baby down for an app time, or when you do what my mother did, sit me in front of the television in front of a Jane Fondo workout tape. Take some time to make yourself moan that's right. Take some time to get back in touch with your vagina. Dear. Remember it doesn't just have to crack open for the child. It can also split open for the gods of club. So I will remind you that you're absolutely stunning and the

whole world can't wait for you to remember that. Hey girl, how do I choose between either dating a attorney or pretty put together kind of legal drug dealer? M hm? A classic conundrum. Really, now, I want you to do something that not all of us do and actually take a moment to consider the assets here. What are they each making annually? A semi legal drug dealer could be racking in a lot, but I would suggest you to run for the hills if it is not an organic

drug such as marijuana or potentially psilocybin mushrooms. Anything else will simply implicate you and potentially send you to jail for a long time, and well, we don't want that. So I need you to consider how legal. It is exactly now. Both have the opportunity for a lot of financial gain, and in some ways drugs have more of that than being an attorney. What kind of attorney is he? If he's doing something so stupid as representing I don't know,

the public, then maybe the drug dealer is better. But if he is smart and representing of course completely corrupt companies and people, then you have a shot of living the life of luxury. I know it is you're seeking. Now, please be cautious in this drug dealer world. I would hate to see you get swept up on a stunning sailboat trafficking some gorgeous, gorgeous drugs from how do to't know Portugal to same parts. That would be a true shame. Oh. I do applaud you though on your taste in men.

It sounds like you really know what you're doing and not fucking around. Well, what a gorgeous episode of step Mom it was today. I hope you enjoyed episode one of the husband hunt. I hope that you'll remember that now is the time we start to seek. Now is the time we go out into the wild and try and find our precious prey. Now is the time we break those nasty old habits, such as sleeping around with

you know who and you know where. Now is the time we say goodbye to all of that shitty fabric and all of those stinky apartments, and hello to places like the carlysle and the Upper east Side. Now is the time you get comfortable with the fact that maybe your future isn't in Greenwich Village, but in Greenwich, Connecticut. Maybe now is the time we go out of our comfort zones and start attending events for big people adults.

When we seek, when we go out into the field, when we go hunt ing, we must be prepared to turn into a kind of animal we are not comfortable with. Yet, I promise you, DearS, it's worth it. Once you adjust, once you see, you'll see all of the wealth round you. It's just waiting for you to come in and grab It's right there in front of you. Dear, don't be a fool until next time. It's me, your stepmother. And this has been the husband who