Bunjoro Mijarlota's let's it Taliano for good morning, harlotts. I learned that from my gorgeous horseback riding instructor, Jacomo, who would always let me ride bare back. Now, welcome to episode two of the husband Hunt. It is I, your absolutely beautiful, bosomed, the gorgeous dipped in butter cream step mother, here to give you the step by step guide for finding the husband that has enough guacamole, cake, coin cabbage. That's right, mula la to fix your life and your
face a few times. Now, if you finally screwed your head on right and are just joining us, I will be a generous bitch and briefly recap episode one, the very important first episode Seek, where we go over the right environments to seek your prey, such as Michelin Star restaurants, cigar our bars, piano lounges, gallos, plastic surgery conventions, oh, the Monaco Grand Prix, and how to identify wealth as it's more than just fancy watches and cars, it's also
a healthy hairline. So assuming you've heeded all of my advice from episode one and ditch that tragic old life of yours that was once wrapped up in synthetic fibers and disgusting v nex from the gap. And once you've stopped purchasing all of your out from Zara eating all of those burrito bowls from Chipotle, we can now move on to episode two, Pursue. After we successfully seek our prey, identifying whom's the luckiest geriatric candidate is with the deepest pockets,
it's time we pursue them. Once we know who they are, we have to keep track of where they are. Pursuing is an art after all, and we are going to be implementing the animalistic tactic known as aggressive mimicry. That's when you act as the praise pray when you blindside them by showing up in their environment or getting an invitation to join. Either way, you want them to think that they are feasting on you raw, cracking you wide open and licking you from tat to tit, when in
reality you're eating them. But they'll never suspect a thing. Pursuing is primeal. It's all about the way we smell, eats, drink, think. All of it matters. So we of course must start with what not to do, because I know a lot of you dildo heads out there are chomping at the bit to just talk talk talk, per super super sue. After you feel you've done all of the seeking and I can't have you destroying our chances without the gate. Mother needs you to move out of the house asap.
So just how seeking must look happenstance pursuing must too. It must always feel like an accident, or, to put it more romantically, fate. When you have finally put yourself in that correct environment, it is time to make contact, and I mean official contact, such as introducing yourself and starting a proper conversation. I hope you little numbnuts know how to talk, because sometimes when you talk to stepmother, why it sounds like your mouth is filled with bibles.
Oh and please bring altoids along that little cracker jack breath of yours. The stench practically permeates through my pores. So number one, do not act desperate. If anything, always act shocked. I don't care if you drove thirteen hours to Sun Valley, Idaho to seek your prey in town for the billionaires Summit. No one needs to know that you put effort into anything other than your outfit. You're
seeking congratulations, and now your pursuit must begin. And this, my dear listeners, where the fun happens, and no one likes desperation. Our introductions to our prey must be as non predatory as possible. You don't want to scare them off by acting like an aggressive cow moving all over the goddamn lawn, being so thirsty she's sucking down the goddamn watering hole. You want to learn them. Do you like the snake in the fucking Garden of Eden, the
only good character in that book? In my opinion, yes, that book. I'm talking about the Bible. You are the apple, the delicate little flower, with no ulterior motive other than enjoying wherever it is you are. You mustn't act like you have to talk to someone, rather make them feel
honored to be in your presence talking to you. So when they do approach, when the seeking has worked and the pursuit has begun, after you've batted your lashes or tastefully fondled that lechi in your mouth from your Lichi martini, you must stay calm and collected. Once they're learned to us, you must present as the gorgeous exotic expensive bird. You
are number two. Stop smelling cheap. You want them to take you seriously and smelling cheap it's for the mistress of the manner and you want to be the patrona that is once again Italian for matron. You can kiss that Paris Hilton sent you purchased in high school. Goodbye tattard, that cucumber melon body splash or revoir to whatever mid Market sent your trapes and your twater round in. I don't care if Dulchi and Gobana light blue is technically
designer and your signature of fragrance. It's time we smell rich and I mean really right, educate yourself on the most opulent perfumes on the market. You want to smell like a living Jackie? Oh not miss Jackie? Hell? Oh? And do you love a pun And wasn't that one good? And if you can't afford to go to the store and buy yourself that bottle of by Rado mohavec Ghost or something, oh I don't know, tom Ford black or get you can at least get yourself a fucking sample.
Pheromones translate to sex. Dear, why do you think I rock your father's fucking tube socks off every single night. Do you know why? Because I smell like the oyster he wants to eat. That's right, he loves Brian anyway, we want them to cream themselves just standing there smelling us. If you don't see a little puddle in their pants have either come or pee, then you are not working hard enough. A little pee at least means he's close to death. Now wants me in conversation. Let them guide it. God,
please stop acting like and know it all. I know you know your way around a target, but let them show you the way around their brain. It is important that you talk to them about whatever it is they want to talk about. Why if they want to talk about their roast beef dinner not being soft enough for their fucking teeth and then gave them acid reflux and now they're switching from private sector privacy, let them you love pharmaceuticals, dear, especially when someone works in the industry.
If they want to talk about how their ex wife was a lifeless, unfunny count to never let them buy that dream yacht or go helly skiing induge. An adventurous man is always good because you can always take out life insurance policies. It is important to make our prey feel safe and seene and secure, and that we are interested in everything they are. We don't want to let our little old opinions bleed through. No, no, we want to learn, and you must show them that you know,
you appreciate them. These little skin puddles, these little aging men, they really get off on being teachers. They love to act wise and mighty. And you are going to do no such thing as dumb as stopping that. Now, don't freak out. Of course, there are some people who love an opinionated gaping hole, but it's important to understand the terrain before we go plunging head first into what might
be a shallow fucking bull. If you graduate from say, standing at the bar or pool or lounge, to sitting down and sharing a meal, do not be a picky eater. These men want to see how you're going to fit into their world. So whatever they want to shove down their little give it suckers, you're going to too. I don't care if you're GFDF whatever the fuck it's rude to turn down. Caviare sour cream and belinys, dear, you
are not a heathen. You only eat the finest things in life, and this is always a good test if you're unsure as to what they're packing in that bank. It's always good to order the most expensive thing or five on the menu. And when it comes time to talk about your measly little luckluster life, you don't want there to be any red flags on your end. Yep, that's right. No pets and potentially no family, as they
can be a real sticks in the mud. So it might be important to put that little rotted fluff up for adoption and getting estranged. We don't want it to become logistically difficult to hop on someone's G five down to St. Barts, now do we know? We of course put Toby up for adoption, and we no longer speak to our five siblings and are absolutely deranged parents who we all know are coupon clippers. Ah. And finally, for what not to do, and this is very very very
important that you listen. Do not bring friends as wing people. If you bring them, they have to be uglier and dumber than you, dear, and that is just that. And I know you think that's cruel, but I don't make the rules. You are a diamond and everybody else is a semi precious stool or plastic. If you're smart, let me tell you a time. And I did the dumb, dumb thing and brought a wing woman who was not
uglier and dumber than me. I brought my ex friend Kelly Chrysler von Heaton, yes of the Chrysler family, out to seek and pursue with me. Now I knew this big corona I was seeking was going to be at a gala called Big Wigs for Bosses. Yes, the foundation that provides literal big wigs to bosses. Now I bought two tickets with my hard earned cash from suing a date for burning my labia. He happened to wake up
and had no idea. He finger blasted me with hot sauce filled hands, and well, you know you can always settle when someone does damage. Anyway, I thought it would be a good idea if I brought Kelly along. After all, she was rich and looked it and therefore made me look richer. She also had an eye for some of the finer details I was blind to at the time, because of course she grew up with a Ritchie rich.
For example, she turned me onto the fact that some ritchie riches wear Meryls and Cassio watches, awful baggy shorts from ari I, and bucket hats. Oh, they even traped surround in free promotional T shirts one might find from a T shirt cannon at a football game. She opened my eyes to the fact that some dirty, filthy white whales a k a. Trillionaires like to live in their former skin as a way to camouflage themselves from hunters like me. But thanks to Kelly, no one could hide
from us. Kelly, on the other hand, was five ft nine Princeton grad who looked like she was based off of an American girl doll the hair, green eyes, perfect little tear drop tits. Well, that night Kelly came in and blind sided my dumbass and hunted my prey. I had finally lured Bart the Tingle a k a. Chip Tingle, the inventor of Wrangle, over to the Ice Sculpture. The ice Sculpture, which, by the way, was a huge wig. I learned him away from his date because I had
done my due diligence. I had sought him, clocked him, knew exactly where he was going to be, and this was my pursuit, and after I lured him away from his date, I accidentally got my fingers stuck underneath this giant wig bust right when he came in and started to delicately defrost my finger with his Kelly came up from behind, and her expensive scent alone made him lose me.
She was quick to point out the obvious, the obvious way that I could get unstuck, which was simply by removing my hand, and he was so taken with her in that moment that I lost him. So the lesson is, never bring a hunter who can out hunt you. It's too risky and will happen. Why, it turns out, Kelly never gave a fuck about me. She used me like
I used her, except she had better tactics. She knew I was planning on going to the big Wig Gala to find my big wig pringled man himself, Chip Tingle, and once she knew I was seeking Chip Tingle, once she knew I did all of the work to seek Seek Seek, and she knew I was on the pursuit, while she was just the lazy parasite and tacked herself onto me and is now living on his mansion on the cape. Well, of course, we must talk about what to do now that we know what not to do
when we pursue. It's important that we are pursuing with the personality that they want to be around. Now. I know I said don't be too opinionated, but that doesn't mean don't have a point of view. Once you find out what kind of personality your richie rich likes, why mimic it. It's not that hard. Just act like the person they want to see. Remember, you are embodying a
creation of their dreams. When you are pursuing, it is important to act like something they have never seen before, to act like the thing they have been dreaming of. The pursuit is all about fulfilling their wishes. Why they are finally figuring out that they could have it all. And that's right, it's with little old you. So do understand the kind of personality type your little skin sack
wants to deal with. For example, the manic pixie dream girl always the popular one for the emotionally repressed billionaires out there. They love this type. They love having you around to insert life and Joan Vie within them and also depporrid emotional drama. Why it's exciting for them. They get to feel like the hero in both scenario. They
also get to feel revived and young and fresh. Perhaps take a molly with them, dance like you know, a sexy little vixen in front of them, and for them make them feel like they're the only person lucky enough in the world to be on the wild personality ride. That is, you go braw this in a white T shirt where little jean shorts, show them what it's like to be a completely emotionally reculous person without ever divulging too many of your issues. Remember, being a manic pixie
dream girl means that you're there to service them. By being wild and free, you are boosting them and their value. You're making them more interesting. You're making their life more enticing. Why you being a freak nasty, little emotional whore could make their business adventures more exciting. You could be the life of the party on a business trip in Abisa. And that's what he wants from you. He wants you
to enhance him. Then, of course, the domineering bitch. It's always a suave richie rich that likes this, like a George Clooney type. They want some smarty pants lawyer to march into their life and say, Jerry, ah, absolutely object. They want you to boss them around. Why they're tired of being bosses in the boardroom. They want you to be their life boss. You march in and a wide leg, pinch strike pant from some gorgeous Italian designer, and you tell them how to run their life. They are not
in charge when they live the office you are. You tell them where you're going to be having dates. You tell them where you're going to be having drinks. You tell them exactly what time you want to eat. You run that rolodexs, you run that calendar. Now, Oh, they don't want domineering. Why a cute and quiet brainiac is always good for a fellow cute and quiet brainiac looking for a tech nerd to seek your little things into some of that you can suck up a bunch of
stocks and they're publicly traded tech company. Why they always like it when you're quiet, but you bubble up with some sort of cookie factoid about physics or math. Be sure that you can quote Aristotle and Socrates, and that you've done your spark noting of Stephen Hawkings writings and of course infinite jest and oh maybe the tipping point. These little brainiacs love someone that's quiet, but then in
the bedroom becomes an absolute vixen. They always love a little piss on their chest and a little ship on their floor. Never forget that. And if you need little inspiration, it's always helpful to look up that mousy little count Ana Kendrick. Now, another personality type in the last personality type not to get confused with the manic Pixie dream Girl, is the independent free Spirit. This is the personality type of a richie rich who wants to act not needed,
but also wants to fund your entire life. The man of Pixie dream Girl, why they need the man The independent free Spirit they don't need anyone. They just need you to watch them beyond their massive four wheeler in their camp at Burning Man. They want to wear goggles on their heads, and hell, maybe they even have braces. Maybe they've gone and followed fish on tour for who knows how long. The independent free Spirit why they're covered
in little tattoos, sort of markers of their past stories. Now, if you want to go full in being, the independent free spirit is an investment. It's important that you look the part. Because all of these old these typically men that have a panache for collecting records and of course classic rock and I love any kind of Americana will absolutely eat an indie free spirit up again, all these personality types are enhancing their life in some way. Now,
do shop for the occasions. I know I say this in every episode, but it is so important when we're pursuing that you really really nail the looks. We can always keep the tags on. Just make sure you're on a sweaty glutton so the ink doesn't run. We want to look like we belong in whatever environment that pursuit takes us. While we're in Miami, of course, we're an Edito silk skiing in Aspen, obviously among clair Onesie with a matching chinchilla hat. I don't know how to ski,
no problem, Just look like you do. Why are the goddamn boots in the lodge carry a fucking tennis racket? Think of this as Halloween, except you're the only trick insight. Pursuing is simply convincing them that they need to have you around. A successful pursuit, and dear, you'll have them eating from the palm of your hand. Next thing you know, you'll be on to capture mode. But we won't cover
that until episode three. Now, since all of you little freaks seem to have peanuts for brains, please remember that pursuing is delicate. If they don't answer your call first thing in the morning, that's okay. In fact, don't even call them. Be confident enough in your pursuit that they will come running back to you. You never want to be overbearing. Never I want to come off as of needy. Save that for later, Dear, For now, let the pursuit
speak for itself. Why you've had a great time. You've gone on great dates, You've gone on great dances, You've gone on great trips. Now it's time for stepmother to answer your question. Hi, step Mom, So my now exploy friend for a couple with me, saying that I was too mentally stable for him and that he cannot fix me and therefore he cannot love me, which is super toxic. But I'm feel sad, So give me some advice. I
want to know how I can get over this. I am more despending millions, um, but I need something stronger than that. Well, first starters dear listener, thank you so much for calling, and Stepmommy is proud of you for spending millions. I would advise for you to go and spend billions, of course, not of your own money, but of somebody else's. It's quite a thrill. Now. Some people are born perfect, and you do sound like you join
me and the ranks as one of them. As it pertains to your rather deranged X, I would suggest sending him a lego set, something very complicated to build, as it appears that he needs something to transfix his time with and focus on fiddling with something else like plastic rather than your perfect brain. Now there's nothing that a little trip and dip into the Aegean didn't fix for dear mummy, So I would advise you to take a trip on a yacht and completely escape avoid reality. When
things get tough, say no, not for me. You're too good to be wasting your time on being heartbroken, dear, and there's a whole entire world of magnificence and complete idiots waiting for you to take advantage of them. So trot off now. I want to see you at Pasha and Abisa, not pouring your tears over some loser that should be better left locked in his room doing his legos. Hello, So, like I work, like great yard chip, and like the
McDonald's doesn't open until five am. And if my ship doesn't pencil four, should I wait for McDonald's to open or should I just go to sleep? Wow? What a stunning question. Thank you for calling in. Now let me teach you a little tip. It's called postmates. That's right. You don't wait for anything in this life. If there's one thing that I've taught you, you need to completely
spoil yourself rotten. So the second you get off work, you run your ass home and you get into your most coziest, gorgeous silk pajamas, into your fronte sheets, and you simply open up your phone and order McDonald's and pay someone else to bring it to you. There will be no waiting in the world of stepmother, and I don't want you to start waiting as well. So no, don't wait, have someone bring it to you. Hey, step mom. So my dilemma is that I'm dating someone amazing. We're
in a great relationship. Things are going super well. It's really mature. We communicate better than I've ever communicated with anyone in my life. There's a lot of trust and
respect there. He's a wonderful person and I have no reason to believe that anything bad is going to happen, and yet I'm constantly thinking that something bad is going to happen, like the relationship is just gonna unravel or it's gonna fizzle out or end really dramatically, And it's getting to the point where it's kind of like all I can think about when we're together, like having the time. This is getting at the end, even though there's nothing in reality that leads me to think of this way.
So basically, I'm just really in my head, acting psychotic, trying desperately not to let it affect my relationship. And I feel insane because there's nothing there to be worried about, really, and we talked about it all the time and he's very comforting and lovely. Um, there's just something in me that like still hasn't quite settled into the safety of this amazing relationship. So I would love your advice. Thank
you so much for listening. Um, anything that you can share to help me, just like calm the funk down and enjoy this. Be so great thanks so much by seven. Well, well, well, what a complicated question for starters. Snap the fuck out of it. If I would have dropped us absolutely stunning ice cream sunday in front of your face, would you just sit there and watch it melt? No, you'd pick up the boon and abour bit by bit in, enjoying
every bite as it slurps down your gorgeous hole. So that's what I need you to start doing in your relationship. Stop making up these false realities, dear that he's not having fun with you. What you need to do is wake up in the morning, stare at yourself in the mirror, and tell yourself you deserve it. Because when we feel deserving of all of the richest life has to offer, why then we start enjoying them. So please do me
a fucking favor and start enjoying it one more. That will a measly ounce of time in that little head of yours. And you're going to completely drive yourself up the goddamn wall. And it sounds like you already are. And there's nothing more unattractive than some stunning fellow future stepmother not fully indulging in what life has to offer.
We're only here for a short time now, darling, and I would hate to see you let it go to waste, So get your head out of your fucking ass and start living in the reality that is your cozy little Kashmir cablenet of a relationship. I remember your controlled no one else but you, Hi step kind of like fun exciting question. So I'm in my early twenties and because of a condition I had, I could not have anne
trade effects. So quite recently and I started seeing someone and do thing maybe feel comfortable and everything, and so honestly I just started having connetative sects. Ah. But it's a very exciting and new and like I just wanted to ask your advice on like, you know, how do you keep it like spice up in the bedroom, favorite positions, like you know, like what should I be doing and all that job because I feel like you just know
sexty time. Um, yeah, thank you so much for taking the time to listen to this by congratulations on finally being able to get penetrated. That is so exciting for you and stepmother is proud. Now that I would suggest is figuring out what gets you off. I mean completely, I mean to the point that you're squirting all over your room. The ceiling is soaking wet. Stildos, ding dong's, ding lings, vibrators, anal beads, anal plugs, anything you can stick in stick out that you can clean, My dear,
you should try it. I highly suggest investing in a sex toy or thirty and figuring out what it is that will make you skyrocket to the moon and back, so that once you have a partner that you want to prowl around the sheets with, you can absolutely blow
your mind. We don't know what we want until we figured it out for ourselves, So I suggest taking a deep dive into your clitteress and figuring out what exactly it is she wants, how she likes to be touched, and then once you're fully introduced to her, you can successfully introduce her to someone else. Now. In terms of stepmother dear is favorite positions, I do love a classic face down us up doggie style, Call me a pure bred Doberman honey, because mother needs her back blown out
and that is what I will get. I like to be plowed so hard, doggie that my knees crack. Another classic position that I highly suggest is, of course reverse cow girl. This is always fun too if you have a vintage Versacci chapter where or potentially a gorgeous Chanel Western collection hat Now, I would advise these positions do require some power, so please go to the pilates class. I signed you up for enough dilly dallying and start getting that core in check. What a stunning episode that was.
Thank you so much for all of your questions, for writing in and for listening to your stepmother. Now I hope that you will be joining us next week for episode three, as it is very important to the success of your future life. How will you please run to the store. Your father's balls are in gorge from exploding too much in my mouth, and I need to pick up his medication to relieve his prostate TATA