“Loud American Whore” (w/ Greta Titelman)

Look Mayre.

Oh, I see you, and look over there is that culture.

Yes, goodness, wow.

Lost cult.

Ing, lost culturesa's calling. Now much has befallen. The culture ISAs well.

Matt came on this zoom with the words, and I know he means storytelling when he says a story like mine has never been told. He's about to spin a yarn on us. Okay, picture this.

I'm spending ninety minutes packing roughly for my big what I'm calling my big August.

So I was going to Scotland to see the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. More on that in a bit.

Then I was going straight to Las Vegas, Nevada to see Kelly Clarkson. Then I'm going to Orlando, Florida to hang out with my sister and dear friends. After that, I was to go to the Fire Island Pines. So I was gonna say and all of August away. So I needed to pack a ton of things. So I spent about ninety minutes packing. I go to throw out the garbage in my New York apartment.

It's always I leave.

It's always the garbage that gets you. I leave the apartment, the door closes behind me.

Oh, my god, all.

My bags and my keys are in the goddamn room.

So I'm like, oh my god, my passport is in there.

Just kidding, No, it's not. I have on my person. I have my passport, my wallet, my phone, and my AirPods. So I had a choice to make. Do I just straight up go to the airport with nothing but the.

Clothes on my back and none of the things I packed? The answer was yes.

I got on a plane to Edinburgh, Scotland, where I currently am with nothing, and did a shop in Suprior Blue cran Trail style cran Trail in the JFK. I said, I bought all the basics and some bags. Yeah, so that I get here with truly nothing but the base seeks and here we are. I'm here in Edinburgh fringe. I'm seeing amazing shows. I'm doing amazing culture here.

Yeah, and I did that.

I committed to the culture that I said I was going to see.

But even without all my things.

What did it feel like to walk through security with nothing?

Honestly? I was like, do I look suspicious?

Mmmm?

Interesting?

Nobody stopped me, but I was like, I know I looked suspicious, just breezing through to an international flight.

It's a white privilege, honestly, and.

I'm ready to talk about that. And I want this episode to be called white privilege. Yeah, this episode is about white privilege.

We've got three white women on the podcast.

Today, Bowen Yang, Matt Rogers, and I'm the guest.

But first, before we get to the guest who actually has a show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, I want to know how you are feeling.

I'm feeling.

Really bad. I feel sick.

What's going on, Queen?

I just woke up with the sore throw and a fever. It's not COVID yet, but I'm going she's back no matter what this is. The virus is back. And I have a bone to pick with Peggy Lee this thing. He's saying, Well, she might have passed, but she glamorized illness with the song fever.

Fever all through the night. That's not good. That is not Are you experiencing symptoms throughout the night?

I was waking up every hour on the hour to pee and then fall back asleep. Was having the most intense dreams. This is no joke. Fevers. What is going on there? I think there's something magical about fevers. It's not just the symptom of fever, it's what it does to you, sort of psychoactively. There's a psycho development to fever.

Describe your dreams, and by this sentence, I mean describe the dreams you had last night during a fever, not your big dreams and the macro sense.

Right, I don't. I'm not someone who remembers them very well. But I think I was with the lover or something likely story Oh my god, fever dream yeah, hi, and the quieter of the night. I got it, and I think I might have even had some. I think Jessel Tank kind have been in my dream because I just finished watching Roney and that's that's aw about all I can remember Jessel.

Saying that Tribeca is an up and coming neighborhood. Is why I showed that to our guests. That she couldn't believe it, she couldn't let it go. She's not stopped talking about it.

Or our guess just made a face. This is iconic at first. By the way, we have our guest with Matt on the zoom box in a different country, and in Macbeth country.

Oh god, we've all.

Been talking about how you can't say it. Did I ever tell you about the time I said you can't say it in.

The theater, that's the only place you can't say it.

Well, I feel like okay.

So we were having some cocktails last night with some of the girls, Patti Harrison and Ruby McCollister at all, and we were all talking about and if you're a real reader, you can look back to Ruby mccallister's episode Dark Gay Culture when she talked about being raised in a la theater.

It was the Core and now that became the Largo.

So I looked at her and I said, I am not going to say the name of the Scottish play in her presence at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

I'm just not doing it.

So we all had a conversation about how what exactly happens when you do say it, and the curse of the play and it's a very cursed town.

Before we were at the Witch as well, Oh my god, describe it.

I want to bring our guests in. I want to hear about the witches well from our guests.

She can really describe the witches well better than I can, because she's sort of so smart and so gorgeous and so.

Funny, yes, and so many things.

And I will say I did see her show exquisite Wise last night at the Edinburgh Fringe. I think I've seen the show more than anyone else because I open up for the guests when she does the show live. I'm so proud of her. She's killing it up here in Edinburgh. She just got another five star review and the reviews have been good. The city of Edinburgh is buzzing about Exquisite Lies and I'm having the best time with her. It's her day off today and we're having

Oh my god. She's in town. She's doing a show and now it's very hard to impress foreign audience. We know this, and she's going to tell you all about that.

But you know her. You love her. You got to see your show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

If you're here, ladies and gentlemen, hease welcome credit.

You're right next to me.

Oh my god. I I every single time I get the chance to come on Lass Culture, I am so honored. I really am. And what bigger honor than to be doing it here in my absolutely show.

Flat Oh Yeah, it's really not good.

Where can we start stained wall to wall carpets for the lab of luxury. It's all always moist you know, the kind of wall to wall that's always wet and you don't really know what from. But there's a little bit of moisture everywhere. We absolutely have a shit closet.

Yeah, I was just in there.

Where this used to be. This is a very old building and the coop stall was its own little freight like literal closet where you would go and shit.

And E Europe doesn't get it.

You'repe.

Putting the toilet in its own room is disgusting.

Also, they have not gotten on board with a comfortable toilet seat. It's possible, period, it is possible.

I'll tell you what to everywhere you go. And I hate this and I don't think so honey today. Actually I didn't tell what it is, but we were walking earlier and it is related to this, but this is not it.

But this is something I don't think so, honey.

Why are the lights to the bathrooms on the outside of the room. The switch the Swiss that turns on the lights, it's on the outside of the room like also the buttons on these toilets in the UK.

Just oh, oh, you don't even know. You don't even know the trick about my toilet.

What's the trick?

Well, my toilet. If you so decide to go number two, you have to run the sink on top of my toilet. Yes, there is a sink on top of the toil there is. I will be providing a photo. I have to run this sink on top of the toilet in order to get enough water to flush your turd.

Oh my god, we're in old town, Scotland, we really are.

Yeah, app describe the witch as well? What was it like?

Like, what's so?

What's so amazing about it?

The Witch's well? O. We are winding up Potter's Way. We are winding up the gorgeous cobblestone streets of the ancient city. Ancient of the ancient. I'm a little ancient, yeah, ancient of Some might say that the sixteenth century streets of Edinburgh. And what do we stumble upon? The witches well. Now, this well is where all of the witches would go and drink in the fifteenth and sixteenth century before they all got persecuted and hung.

It was like, it's to commemorate them in many to commemorate them. Was it to be like here, drink from here before we kill you?

Or was it yeah, it says, hey, why don't you must in that mouth before we hang you from it?

Yeslagh it was nice.

Lag.

Yeah, those slags I do have.

My eyes have fallen on a sexual hot yeah.

Wait Scottish So it's the one place in Scotland where you can get cold brew batch brew as they call it, yea, And there is one barista who's just got it.

Did you ask him for ice? He doesn't look at you like you're a fucking fool.

Tell Bowen what I said.

I said, I'm so happy you have cold brew. He was like, oh, he's like oh yeah. I was like, I'll be coming here every day and he said, and I look forward to serving.

No, he said, I love to serve. He said, well, I love to serve you. That's hot.

I said, do you want me to throw it back? Papa?

What's going on?

Papa?

Me?

Turn around?

I said, you want to split me muff? Yeah, split me muff? You want to? I said, split me off? I used the expression, and you want to split me mouff.

The other day to Greta and she had had a negative reaction to it.

Well, that's accurate. You the muff is spoil.

The muff splitter. They call me the splitter I mean when I tell you there are crazy things happening on the stages in Edinburgh. I was at a bar the other day with Patty Woman on stage, fully spreading open her vagina, explaining what a labia is to a packed bar of people.

I've never been to Edinburgh. What is the culture?

The energy?

Is it like chaos? What is your experience as someone who has an acclaimed show there? That is that is the dream?

Is it a claims?

Yes, you just got a five stores review.

I know.

Look what I love to sell it out? I would, I would love to sell it out. But the reality is this festival. It has over thirty two hundred shows playing here, and it's everything. It's theater, it's comedy, it's clown it's circus, it's dance, it's magic. It's literally like any kind.

Of giving stringing boom. It's giving like the bubbles. The bubble should be bursting soon.

Yes it is, and it's like the biggest gripe. With the way that the fringe has changed is that it's just become so expensive that like young people really can't afford to attend it in the same way that used to, you know, so now it's like you get a lot of like middle to older age people attending it. And you know, when I'm busting my fucking muff on stage, yeah, talking about things that are potentially more topical to us, it's kind of like where are the girls? You know what I mean?

Right?

You need the girls who understands what busting a muff even means.

Exactly, And you know I'm targeting the girls. I did look at an eighty three year old woman on the brink of death the other night in my show and said that I swallowed her, looking directly in her eyes, and she laughed. She loved it and laughed and I said, doll, I said, I know she wanted to look at me and been like, I've been swallowing for seventy years.

Yeah, swallowing since the Great War exactly.

There were a couple there were a couple of old gays that came up to Greta last night were like, you're the most talented person in the festival.

Yes, yes, yes, And the old gays see it all.

They're like, you're you're the most talented act I've ever seen here.

No, what was that?

Yeah, that's that's Scottish.

Yeah, I guess.

I mean you really need to be rolling your your words. Lewis Hockey like this.

Oh.

Matt has also been very bombarded with thost college fans really Scotland, Yes, girls shaking in their boots, being like is that the local girls?

Yes, the dolls.

Oh my god, I didn't know the reach.

I love local girls, man, are you? Look sounds nothing like local girls. They love big star rolling through. But I will say to just oh, it.

Is so shook to just finish sort of explaining the.

Energies, the energy, yes, which you're stuck on the witch as well, I would say it's winter here is what I think people also don't get.

It is fully freezing.

No, it's not freezing. It's sixty degrees. It's it.

I love getting it to be able to wear a sweatshirt, which, by the way, we had to buy all new clothes. I will reiterate for me right, but it is really nice, like because it's been so goddamn hot, We've all said it global boiling and all, but it's been so lovely to be here. We looked at some castles. I will say to this, the people are so nice, so nice. The city is so excited about the festival, and you can see why. It's really cool just like the history or it's beautiful.

Like Harry Potter and it's crazy.

So literally my hotel is I learned it's on the street that inspired diagonally. But it's very, very very like, it's just amazing. What is really tough is the food?

Okay, And I'm sure you're not the first people to say this, so I think it's okay. It's a conversation that we're we can have constructively. What are the delicacies?

Well, the delicacy the delicacies are.

Hagis, which I had to ask what that was.

I didn't like the answer, didn't like the answer. Yeah, do you know what's like? You asked London. Yeah, are you asking what hagis is? Is like me asking what the horses drama was with the owners of horses. Matt and Matt Whitaker were like, it's too bad to say at dinner. We can't tell you at dinner, And I was like, oh, is it that bad? Like God, did someone die truly shocking. Once I found out everyone.

Can just look it up. I think that they've since rectified. Do you know about what's going down and horses?

She doesn't want to comment, And I went to Horses with Kreta.

No, you should absolutely keep it in Bowen and I had gorgeous meal at Horses with Aid. It was delectable. And I think that from what I've heard, and this could be totally false information, I think both of the chefs are now at the picture, but I think they're not at the both of both of them are not at the restaurant anymore from what I glean And by the way, it's still a tough reservation to get your

Well so, and literally we're not going to get into it on the pod because it's giving tw like, if you want to find out what happened with horses, which by the way, I think it is right to find out, look it up on your own t I m e. But you know what I've really discovered, especially in LA controversy around restaurants, by people are like, we're not going there anymore, does not stop business, because I'll tell you what we was.

It like, it must have been like two months ago, at the height of the scandalball. We were looking to go. We're looking for a place to get drinks and have some naches.

And we were ended up shorts and Sandy's no.

So basically what happened was we were around that area and I of course refused to step.

Foot in shorts and Sandy's and I won't do it, and I was like.

Let's just fucking go to shorts and Sandy's who cares? And I was like, I can't be seen there.

I was like, I'm not being seen.

I'm no because I support and respect Ariana.

So then you guys drove past it and saw that it was packed.

So then I was like, let me just go and see because no place around there like had room. And I was like, let me just go and see if we can just get a drink while we wait for a table somewhere else. Walk in packed gills. They were like, honey, if you don't have a reservation at all this weekend, you are not getting in my god, a little present from there.

She got me a coach.

She got me an ash tray, and I felt good about having a Schwartz and Sandy's ashtray because I can be like late, not my little, my little duber.

I mean Chick fil A is a perfect example. You don't know, I've stopped eating it. I really have you need to walk that back? Honey?

Are you telling me to stand down?

Back off?

I just love I love it.

There was a time when Bowen and I would go downtown LA to record old episodes of Lost Culture when we were still over at Forever Dog and they had an office down there, and Bowen would get a devilish, little feverish look in his eye and he would say, and I would say, here, we would have a tussle in the street. We would get physical with each other fighting.

Chick fil A is like, unfortunately, very good, and.

It wouldn't be in the conversation it was bad. Do you know what I'm saying?

And they say that about a lot of things, But you.

Know, it's weird that I still have never been able to get behind Yeah, square burger patties at Wendy's.

I just think that's a nice that's like nice, little novelty. Shit. It's a way to like distinguish the brand.

But do you how do you feel about a square burger?

Honey, it's more surface area, it's more beef.

That's true.

Oh, I didn't think about it.

You feel that it should be on sand on like.

A bund also square, No, because the shape of a burger is round, just like how Charlie Barday tweeted when people put soup in a square tupperware, that is not right. It should be round. It should be a circle, which is the shape of soup.

Yeah, super is a circle, especially retal culture number eighty three.

Souper is a circle. Credit to Charlie Barday.

You know, you know it's We walked.

Past Nando's earlier. I thought Nando's was great cuisine.

It depends you like Nando's though you've had Nanda in London.

I went.

Matt Whitaker and I went when we were in London, and the way he was acting about it was like, well, we have to go to Nando's if we want quality chicken.

And so then we sat down and ate it and I thought was great.

I walked by Nando's earlier with Greta because we're literally searching far and.

Wide for literally one bite of decent food.

Literally searching, searching, like it was like looking for fucking the scientology woman trying to find a vegetable in this goddamn looking for Shelley Miskovich. You can you can find Shelley miskavision or easier in this town than a fucking piece of broccoli. I'll tell you that right now. So we're walking past Nando's and I go, oh my god, Nando's. That's really good. And Greta looks at me and goes, yeah, if you like seven eleven, Greta, she's such a bitch.

She's a slag.

Oh my god, I am such a.

She's a bitchy slag and a bitch slag.

And honestly put that on my fucking tombstone.

Bitchy slag, bitchy slack.

I think I think people in the UK have well, they love Nando's, but I'm saying they have better courses.

Oh absolutely. They call each other a conte and it's sort of like so playful.

Well, I say count in my show, and my my producer out here was like, you know, we actually say cunt all the time.

They do.

They do I know, and they know that Americans hate it? What why do Americans hate it?

I wonder because Americans are fucking prude.

You're so uptighted.

But actually, I will say this is gonna be really controversial.

What I'm about to say. Good say it here, we need to click, I will say.

Being and I felt this way even when I I love London, Okay, I love.

The city, yes, love the town.

But I felt this way even when I was there for like January and February. And I really feel this way being in Scotland. I am proud to be an American.

Europe has a thing about it, and I think every other continent in a way where after a while you go take me back to the States, you know, and I'm just.

Like, I'm like, yeah, I'm a loud American horror.

Greta was screaming on the streets earlier. Where's ketchup?

I want to ketchup?

I'm such a whore for this stuff.

I'm a whore. I'm a fucking whore. Fuck you.

I want some ketchup for my French fries.

Freedom fries. Catch up for.

Right right? Agree with this.

I'm so proud to be an American man.

Yeah, the thing patriotism is back, and it's not just further right. I think the left should embrace patriotism, really reclaim it.

I think that if the left embraced patriotism, we'd be in a better place.

I agree.

Look, we're fucked up, we are. And what family is and what family.

Isn't and what family isn't that's a rule of culture, exactly number fifty seven America.

We're fucking fucked up.

But what isn't?

Now that's really good.

And now I remember the day, just to go back to kunt I remember the day. It was the sixth grade and at lunch it was like somehow the word had gotten in, had broken in to the other kids at lunch and they were like, we just found out about the worst word you can possibly say.

And I was like, what is it?

The F word? They go, it's worse than the F word. I go, what what could it be? They're like, if you call someone this, you're dead. Well they were like, they have the right to fucking beat the shit out of you if you call them you call them this. I was like, oh my god, tell me I need to know now. Yeah, and then when I found out what it was. I said, that's just a sound. Not not to reduce it to that, you know, but it's

I genuinely have no idea.

I'm sorry, I just well, I just wanted to put it to the to the group.

You know my question.

Do you remember both obviously both of you, when you first started incorporating curse words into your vocabulary.

I got in trouble for it in kindergarten.

Really, oh my god, I got in trouble for it the first month of school in America.

Really wait, I need to know what you said and to know what you go first.

So I was in kinder garden, which means I was five, and for some reason I became fixated on using three words and doing one hand gesture.

The words were damn, hell an ass.

What was the hand gesture?

It was the middle finger.

Oh god, I couldn't wrap my head around stopping doing it like someone would act out to me in kindergarten, like we'd get into like a squabble or something like I don't know, like we both wanted to use the fucking blue crayon or something, and I would just go and stick my middle finger right in the face. And then of course they all tattled on me. They all ran to missus Smith, ancient teacher, and she was like, Matthew,

It was hilarious.

It was then my teacher fucking nailed me with this one.

She said.

She she wrote a note and she said, Matthew, this is a note about how good you're doing in class.

Give this to your parents when you get home.

Oh.

I didn't even read it. I gave it.

I literally handed my own, like fucking death certificate to my parents, who read it back to me. I'll never forget my stay sat. It was one of my earliest memories. They sat me down on the bed in my room and they looked at me and they were so disappointed. And they read the note, and I remember my dad goes, Matthew has been using the words damn, hell and a S S.

Couldn't even he.

Spelt out ass. And then he goes and he has been using the middle finger.

And I and you know, I was in trouble. You want to know what my punishment? My mother said, you know what you're that? She that she I wasn't allowed to turn on the radio for a week. Wow, you know I carried on. I said, I said, well, where the fuck do you think I learned it?

You slags?

And they said you better watch your tone, mister, Yes, I said, I said, you bitches better beware.

Oh my god.

When what happened when you were an eight year old transplant immigrant?

Really immigrant?

Well it's not really quite as dramatic, but it was recess. We were playing four square I think a ball was Does four square have balls in it?

Yes?

So then like someone one ball, someone like tossed or you know, slapped the ball in my direction and it hit me in the rear in the rear and I said, you hit my ass And I was just being anatomically no, well, I was being anatomically correct. But then of course these fucking kids like tattled.

What is with.

The psychology of a tattle?

I never got it. I never never got it.

It doesn't make you look cool, and honestly, it makes you look lame to your teachers. Like if I was a teacher and a tattle came up to me, I would be like, honey, you look bad.

No, you are your fucking narc Yeah, bitch, yeah, get out my face, Get out my face.

Parent, I would call a parent and I would say, hey, guess what, you have a kid that's a tattle.

So what happened? And then did they taddle on you?

I went to the principal's office. I didn't do it was just the principle was. I didn't realize what a big deal this was. Like in Canada, like no one really went to the principal's office, I guess, but I went to the principal's office and then she was just like, you can't be saying these words, and we're gonna have to I think they My parents also got a note, but then my parents. My parents were like what like they like didn't really care, didn't.

Really get it.

But it was a route awakening. I said, Oh, America, America has a problem. I was eight years old, and I thought that you knew that our culture was stunted. Yes, yes, well you have to understand. And I keep saying this, like I moved to Colorado right after Monica Lewinsky, John Benet Ramsey and Columnie. So I'm over here as a child, going America is fucked up, and we're I'm going is the state where people get killed? I'm not I'm not even joking, Like I was like, this is a bad place.

I last night at my show, my show, well wait really quickly, not that anyone asked, but the first time I got busted doing anything. First adjacent, I was flicking off my French a pair and I would and whenever, whenever she would turn her back to me, I would just go both.

I would do both. And I hated her. Her name.

Her name was Olivia, and I fucking hated.

Her, I know.

And I would do double flicks and I would I would cross them like an X.

People do that. That looks sheep crossing the middle fingers there's nothing like just giving up.

Yeah, because I my mom loved to give people the finger, like when we were in the car, always giving people the finger. I love giving the finger too.

I'll never forget the first time I heard my mom say fuck. It was because we were in the car and there was like a traffic thing and it was like involuntar. She was like, the fuck and I was just like, and I remember I got all right just about it.

I was like, I can't believe you would use that language.

And I remember I was like seven, and I was just like I was probably just like trying out being dramatic, but I was like we got home, I slammed the door. I was like, I don't want to talk to you. You aren't marred in my eyes, like you forget it, Mom, Like.

I thought, person than you are not.

And then I remember one time we were out to dinner at TGI Fridays, my dad, my dad, my mom, my sister, I and two other families and the guys were like, you know, knocking back beers at TGI Fridays like you do in the suburbs, and they said fuck a lot loud at the dinner table, and I called a family meeting. When I got home, I called a family meeting with the four of us, everyone down. I said, it was so disgusting the language that was used tonight

And I know what it is.

It's Uncle George. He's a bad influence on you. And I see you going down the drain. I see you dwindling. And the behavior that I witnessed was Uncle George.

Like, was Uncle George George like? The Uncle George Georg jumped out and then I jump back in a did that so dramatic?

I just wanted to run the show.

I just wanted to call him euting, send everyone down, and be like, look at me when I talk.

I used to hold my parents' friends hostage after dinner parties and make them watch me dance in our living room to back in the USSR.

Oh my god.

Bow was a performer.

I was not really was the young performing.

I'm you this special sidekick.

What I remember is one day we had a video cassette recorder and Yang would just like improvise little sketches and talk shows. And we would just record each other on the cassette player and we would like speed it up and get give ourselves Chipmunk voice. She really like ran the show in that way, but we were more about it's so funny. We were only about the audio and not necessarily about the visual.

Very podcast very. That was when we should have known that you'd be a podcaster. That's right, critically acclaimed, critically acclaimed.

Wait, last night at my show, that's the very end of my show. My tech like got on the microphone and was like, I'm so sorry to abruptly on the show like this, but we it's been.

An emergency evacuation and we all need to evacuate the building now.

Literally We'll just finished her last song that was probably two and a half minutes after in the show, and he was like, we have to evacuate, and me and American and both of us wet, like, oh, there's for sure a gun like.

Active shooter to get your stuff. Acually about it. This is what happened.

But when we were walking out, I overheard someone being like, I wonder what happened. Somebody probably got sick, And I was like wow that.

We're like it's we're all getting guns.

Yeah, Like our mind immediately was like, oh, that's the Scottish woman, like someone's probably.

Someone's probably someone fell ill.

Yeah, someone probably fell ill.

You know there's some drunk people. Someone built a beverage evacuate the premises. Oh yeah wow.

I mean that sounds to night. I would trade that for anything in America one.

But I think it was just our ingrained feeling of being like the second we hear emergency evacuation, it's like either truly like you know, airborne chemical warfare in my mind, or like a gun an air born chemical war. Don't even get me started, honey. I have I have been so low. I've had so many highs and lows here and in my lows because there is no like you know, we we have Netflix and then like Amazon and you know what, I've started watching and I'm on season two already.

In this way, I being like, it's like, hey, I ever heard you speaking English? French and Italian and she justs she was and Swedish.

I mean.

Cracking up at that.

I'm just like, what is this? What is this writing?

She brings it up out of knowing.

She goes, you know, who's such a weird actress? I was like, okay, I said, you said interesting, interesting, interesting.

Well, I think we're the first people to talk about Numi in decades.

Yeah, because she had a moment when she was girl with dragon tattoos.

And don't forget she was the star of Prometheus. One of my No one knows this, but.

It's one of my favorite films is that culture. Culture.

Emetheis culture.

Absolutely anything where Charlie has like like a cunty haircut and she's the villain and she gets to run away from a crashing building and gets crushed by a building.

That's culture to me.

Well is culture not John Krasinski playing a very questionable agent, fucking Abby Cornish.

That is D list city. No oh, no, I'll tell you who Abby Cornish is.

Abby Cornish is allegedly the girl that Ryan Phillippy left Reese for their spoon four.

Yeah, that's probably her biggest claim to fame.

She was in The Bright star movie, Sad, Sad to have your fame be somewhere like two degrees away from race still and Ryan. We love Ryan obviously, but he really did race dirty?

Yeah he did. But Ryan, I love Ryan.

I don't know. Did they do each other dirty? I don't. I don't know if it was confirmed that there was.

She didn't think I just didn't work out because they were so very They were like six and seven when they had the Yeah, they were so young.

I mean Reese was pregnant in cruel intentions?

What I think?

Yes, she was pregnant in the scene in his Baby with his baby. She is pregnant. In the scene in the pool with his baby. She is in a one piece and she is pregnant in that movie.

Reese Witherspoon in a pool is powerful because it's legally blonde too. During the ocations video, Yes so good.

They're saying that had she gotten in the pool in Morning Show season two, and that would have been her Emmy. By the way, to you seek the trailer for Morning Show Season three.

I did not. Should I watch it now?

I didn't?

Yeah, why don't you watch it right now? Okay? Okay, okay, okay.

So Bowen is gonna pull up the trailer for Morning Show Season three.

I have not seen a full episode of this program.

That's okay. I want you to know.

It's it's two people's favorite show, Me and Greta's husband, Abe Schwartz.

It's this show, and it's our favorite show.

And the readers know that I come on this podcast every week and I give a Morning Show update, and I don't know if the show is as good as my updates, but it's at least close.

And please give this show a chance. Like is it a comedy? Is a drama?

The answer is no. It exists in its own tone, It exists in its own like sort of genre.

It's really it's really wild. They gave Greta Lee a terrible haircut.

They gave her a terrible haircut. Everyone has a bad haircut. Yeah, okay, I'm gonna watch and if you can play it out loud, play it out loud?

Can you hear it?

No, it's okay, all right.

So while he's watching, I found this at a charity shop here and get this.

I'm reading it.

It's so funny.

Oh my god, is she signed?

Yes?

Oh my god?

Okay, So, while Bowen is watching the Morning Show season three trailer. I'm gonna tell you, Gret, I just pulled out this.

What is this?

Joan Rivers's autobiography, One of Joan rivers books. One of Joan Rivers's books, and she found it at what a charity shop in Edinburgh? Open up the front cover sign signed to Lorraine from the Botox Clinic staff Love Joe. Wow, cracking chills here in Edinburgh.

She is so funny. This first chapter is so deeply funny.

And this is just something you can buy, like something that's signed by Joe. Like how much was this?

Three pounds? Reading this sentence?

Every ten seconds in America someone turns fifty, and too many of these people think it is time to call doctor to Workian the only doctor who still makes house calls.

I don't actually get it.

What are you guys looking at?

Okay?

So I was at a charity shop with Ruby and we found this Joan Rivers book. Don't count the candles, count the candles, just keep the fire lit. Okay, A signed mind book Lorraine from the Bowtop, next stop Joan. And it is really laugh out loud funny. This bitch is so so Let me read you the first sentence. Are you ready let me say straight off, aging sucks.

I'm hilarious.

Oh my god, I'm hooked. I'm in. I don't understand the doctor I don't understand the doctor Covorkiana.

What's the doctor Covorkian thing?

Welloran, he makes like he would if you wanted to because he kills you.

Yes, I don't know that was part of it.

Oh, I thought he did what we don't know.

Doctor Covorkian was dubbed quote doctor death. Okay, my mom had a stalker when she was working in the Pennsylvania government and he wrote up a fake doctor Kworkian death certificate for my mom. Isn't that fucked up anyway?

That's scary.

Doctor Gregorkian was like he was way ahead of his time. Euthanasia. If you were if you were dying, if you had a terminal illness, degenerative disease, whatever, you.

Could call him and he would come take care of it. Okay. So what she's saying is when people turn fifty, I think life is over. Yeah, okay, great, but.

You know there are a couple of guys anatomy quotes where someone you know, George just killed someone in the O R they'd be like paging doctor Kavorkian and then they I.

Got it, got it? God. Okay.

So now that you've made it a Georgi O. Malley, I can understand it. What is your review of The Morning Show season three trailer?

I'm intrigued. What is John Ham's role?

No one knows yet.

Oh okay, they make a big deal out of him being interviewed, and it's what is the last show that depicted New York City in an accurate, honest way, because it's like and just like that is pure fantasy. At this point, I feel like this is also a fantasy version of New York.

I'm trying to think of like the last show to really show New York. I mean, girls, that's really tough, but the girls, yeah, girls.

Or.

I think well, by the way, I do just want to say I actually stopped watching it just like that. I can't do it, really, I can't even do it as like it's not it's not fun enough.

You missed Rosemary do it?

Did? I?

Yea? It is tough, Like the show is tough, but when you watch it from just when you watch it and you're like, Okay, I'm watching something that's purely camp like that's kind of the only way you can get through.

I don't because I watched the first season like that, and I don't think it's good.

I don't. I think it's bad.

These people are even looking at the shot. I mean, the city view outside is clearly a backdrop, no problem, right, but it's literally you see it hit the floor of the.

Sound stage and then is that true? Yes?

Yes, And I implore all readers Katie's publicist finalists watch the most recent episode where you know, Aiden and Carrie are like in Ja's apartment, just like flirting or whatever. If you look at the city view, it hits the floor and you see gray concrete. I'm going these the people who make the show don't give a fuck.

No, you know, but.

Nothing grinds my gears more than the fact that Charlotte and Harry sleep in a full size bed. Yes, it is on to me. That is the most unbelievable thing about the show.

I'm saying, hold the horn.

You're telling me that Charlotte, who is supposed to live in a massive Upper east Side luxury apartment, is in a full with her husbands. You're smoking grass gras, Yes, you're smoking crack really is what you're what you're on, You're on reefer and crack, because that is just not true. And also, you know what else isn't true? Miranda sleeping in like a twin x L sound owned booth at her friend's house. I say, girl, get it to get her.

You're embarrassing.

What are they trying to do? I think they're trying to do something there by putting all of like by putting Miranda, Carrie and Charlotte in like small beds, because Carrie's back in the old apartment in her old beds, which is also these women, these women have tasted the highest heights and the most rarefied air. They would not put up with this.

Also, this show is supposed to be aspirational. Show me a bed, I long for, Show me a bed, Show me a Hastings mattress with Frete she what's going on? You are giving? You were The duvet in Carrie's apartment is actually.

From cology giving dorm. It's giving anthropology home and dorm apology.

It's anthropology home, and it's it's offensive. Had I had better taste in my studio on twenty third and seventh Avenue in two thousand and nine.

Okay, okay, Well, here's the thing. I don't see a world in which it gets renewed, and I think this is really the last. This is the last of these women we're ever going to get, which is really sad to me.

I agree, because I don't think that they would have brought in Samantha for this, you know, thirty second phone call that we're going to see because they can't. They cannot tease us with the notion of Samantha and then have us not get her for a third season. Like, if there is going to be a third season, I actually need Kim Katrell to I actually just want it to be about her in London. Honestly, if we're supposed to believe that's.

What her life is, Oh my god, loud American whoror slash in London, Yeah, exactly.

Publicist energy.

It seems like do you know what though, you know, what's one thing, it's like, thank god Samantha isn't on.

And just like that, because what would they do to her?

What would they if they've ruined all these characters this much? And I hate saying it, but like, yeah, what would they have done to Samantha?

I guess we'll find out.

I wonder if in the thirty second phone call they're able to desecrate Samantha Jones.

I don't put it past them.

I mean, don't put it past them.

There's something cuckoo crazy.

I'm bummed out about this.

No. That's the thing is it's.

Like even the first season wasn't like it wasn't sex in the City, but at least you could talk about it in like insane ways.

Now it's just like the even the carry and Aiden stuff.

It's like, I just what exactly are they saying about Harry, Like, like, I don't know.

Is it that like she's falling back into another fantasy?

Is it like, are we supposed to think like that big was actually this like thing that she made a mistake about years ago?

Like or is she about to learn her new lesson? That's unclear thematically. I don't. I just can't find it right.

I also don't understand how she can like verbalize out loud was big, a big mistake and then like we just never investigate that further.

Yeah, well, I feel like what's being telegraphed so clearly and obviously is that like something goes wrong between her and Aiden, because so far there's been no conflict, there's been no hardship.

Or maybe they are just ending the show and we are just ending the show with Oh now Carrie and Aiden move in together and that's it.

Doesn't that feel sacrilegious?

Though, yes, it feels sacrilegious. The whole thing feels sacrilegious also, like since one has carried. I mean, I know that Carrie was always a prude, but her whole thing was writing about sex and love and romance and stuff, and her now being like, don't talk about it, Oh God, don't tell me. Like I was like what, But then she was at lunch and said the word come. I was like, you guys are crazy. Make a decision about

I'm sorry, but making a decision about who she is. She's one of the most well defined characters in the pop culture. Reason why are we even having this conversation? Like it's one thing for characters to like morphin change over time, but like she does it, none of them seem like themselves except I guess Charlotte.

Charlotte, but no, she's not sleeping in a fall.

Charlotte's not speaking in a fall.

Charlotte wouldn't have fucked a guy in a fall. Like, let that be her wedding bed.

You're so you guys are so right, Like these women would not tolerate a full sized bed or a twin in a fucking recording studio room.

Also, you know what, honey, please like show me the Hampton's house, Like one of you has to have one, one of you has to have one. And by the way, I don't want to see Seema and Carrie doing a time share.

Well you're not going to. Okay, that was one thing I let not going.

One thing I liked was Seema being like, I need space from you because you make me feel bad.

I loved that. Loved that.

Yeah, yeah, but I'm also going why because literally Carrie's like this the episode two episodes ago. The episode ends on Carrie like leaving her apartment and going and just like that, I went to meet you know, Aiden's kids or whatever the fuck in Virginia. Cut to the next episode. We're back in New York, which maybe it's like a New York show and that's why we don't see it. But I'm like, take us somewhere a little bit more provincial, like why not or pastoral or whatever.

One of the most iconic episodes was La and also her going to Aiden's City Girl. In the What, she goes to his cabin and she freaks out and Samantha fucks like.

The Yeah, is it just a budget thing? Do we think it's just budget?

How can it possibly be right?

Like? I just don't know. I mean, I feel like they blow a lot of the budget on the fashion.

What fashion well, I mean which characters ring fashion lt W? I have news for you. There's difference between costume and fashion. My girl is still living on Sesame Street.

Yeah, it's I've seen big Bird come out in things that could be the met Gala compared to what LTW looks like, Wow.

Wait moment.

Are you drinking one of my all time top five favorite beverages, Triple X Vitamin Water.

I asked my sister if she had gatorade because I need electrolytes, I need hydration. She said, I have Triple X Vitamin W.

Yes, she does dragon fruit. Dragon fruit.

I haven't had this since high school, and I'm loving it.

It is a treat and a half. Vitamin water goes down as one of my most favorite inventions.

I liked the dragonfruit a lot.

Yeah, I have a joke in my show about vitamin water.

Oh my god, let's talk about vitamin water for a second, because do you all remember. Do y'all remember when vitamin water stepped onto the world stage because it was a moment.

Yes, it honestly changed culture. Vita water, I will say changed.

Culture because guess what you're going You're reading the labels. You're laughing out loud going through this.

This is so funny. Yeah, I think Tina fe Tina fet I think.

Did I think he sent reached out to miss Fay and said, hey, mama, love your jokes.

Does have sent on vitamin water?

Yeah?

It was.

I think he was an investor in vitamin water. It was like he was Curtiss.

Now, what really rocked my world was the lemonade.

Oh, everyone freaked it for the lemonade. Everyone freaked it for the lemonade too, because you could it was delicious with a splash of one might say, very inexpensive vodka.

You're so right, Oh my god, in a really interesting time.

I really did we really did. Sorry, Greg, We're gonna stick so no.

I was just gonna say, two thousand and five kind of the year of vitamin water in many ways, the.

Year of vitamin water, the year of Mike sparred lemonade, the year of off ice. For I would say, sparks.

You remember sparks that was up in two thousand and four.

Anybody, I just want to say, I forget what I said about the four logo because that was later ten wrong.

I think, correct you what you did sparks was illegal.

It is I think for locals illegal. Sparks is legal for local in their new their new.

Iteration formulations, different Sparks was literally a red bull mixed with malt liquor. And it was crazy. And I used to hide. I used to hide, can't I had a hot box in my room growing up, and I used to hide cans of sparks in my house.

Wait, Gretta said. Greta showed me the most fucked up, stupid picture of her with four modellos taped to her body under a house. It sneaked into Madison Square Garden to see what artists.

I think we were just going to uh, I know, I think I was actually going to a hockey game.

Jesus, So you smuggled in the modello I did.

I can show you the pick, I'll say, honestly, that should be the photo for the episode this week.

I'll send with you. It's really good. Yeah, I remember my mom found my sparks. My mom takes it out of My mom just goes, what the fuck is this? And I explained it to her and she looked at me and she was like, there's something really wrong with you and then just put it back in the hat box.

Oh my god, do you think she should have punished you more?

No, she was, she was over it. She was just like I was telling Matt, we were talking about things. We're talking about things our moms would say this morning, and my mom would always just be like enough with me, enough enough.

Greta said that basically Maria's I don't think so, honey. Yeah, would be y'all with all your milks.

Yeah, explain, would not tolerate the milks.

No, she would just be like, this is enough. This is so fucking crazy. She drink drink skim milk like a lady, or don't have any milk at all.

Take it, take it black.

I think we are a critical match with milk, Like there's no need for a new kind of milk. I think there's there's a milk for every occasion.

It also gets embarrassing, like imagine, I mean, they make it, but it's like going out being like, can I get the Can I get a pistachio almond milk latte?

Like grow up, grow up?

Although Starbucks Macha latte with coconut milk is heaven, you feel like you're on an islands.

Coconut milk.

No, no, no, I'm just saying I love it.

I would like to say coconut milk has been around for a very very very very very long time. Coconut milk is not new. The girls milk saying the newer girls, I'm saying the Macadamian ut girls. I'm saying hemp seed girls. I'm saying pumpkin seed milk. I'm saying pistachio milk. I'm saying, it's like, come.

On, pumpkin seed.

I've never heard of that before.

Would they had it at Irving the Irving Farm, Irving Farm, Yeah, they had it there.

That sounds like it takes a million a million dollars to make it fucking condensed the pumpkin seed into milk worse than almond milk. It's probably the energy expenditure is probably crazy. You're right, Maria. Maria is right, and.

Those really are my two friends. You can talk about such interesting milks.

I have a question for the choir. Since this show is about culture, do you feel that they're likely story Do you feel that there is a perfect television show that didn't ever go wrong in seasons and seasons and seasons.

Yeah, I think that pretty unimpeachable.

I mean, for me, mad Men was pretty unimpeachable mad Men.

I'm gonna say something kind of sure, like I roll, but I have been getting back into Seinfeld and I'm like, God, this is this, this works. It's timeless.

Yeah, it really is timeless.

More recently, I don't know everything has everything neither goes on too long or like ruins itself? Did you?

I didn't know that the four of them blocked themselves on Seinfeld. They did their own they they like would they would all walk on and like they walk into Jerry's apartment and be like, okay, I think George would go here and like, you know, eat some Cereal over here. He's just talking to Elaine, Elaine sitting down on the couch like they were. They were all just like so like we got this, Like the directors so magic, I know, I know. And then like the fact that the four

Mm hmmm.

Even like well back in the day, like the multi cam of it all, when when some of those shows would really work, they would really like Cheers if you ever watched old Cheers, like Cheers, like Heaven really worked, like say what you Will about friends, friends really work, Will and Grace really works, Will.

And Grace really worked.

Just shoot me, I loved and too freakin' But with friends, it is like, yes, say what you will. It is like they found six hot people were so fucking funny and believably friends, like, no problem, I'm watching that's yeah, that's why it's a cultural phenomenon.

I really feel like sometimes I do feel like I missed my calling, my era for multikim.

I feel like I would have loved maybe I think so.

We would have all nailed. I'm sorry to say this, and this sounds so fucking stupid and masturbatory. We would have all nailed multiicim.

You nail multikim now. But I want nominated multi camp perform.

No, no, no, it's different.

I want multi Emmy nominated multi camp performer.

I want multi cam where I'm playing a character.

Yeah, we can do that.

Let's do it. Let's pitch a show two Guys and a Girl above a pizza parlor.

Yes, if you if the three of us rebooted two Guys and a Girl, and you don't.

Think you're bitting war down period.

I mean, I always wanted to be on Boy Meets World like ill.

Oh my god, loved it, loved it, And of.

Course I wanted to be Lizzie McGuire, But who didn't Everyone wanted to be Liszy.

Everyone wanted to be Lizzy. I was team Lindsay. Not that Lindsay was ever in the you know, sitcom space, but it was.

The may you rest. It was the Aaron Carter kind of controversy between Hillary and Lindsay. And all right, you know I I do have some piping hot T T T on the teens of that time.

What not?

Well, we can't.

I don't think. I don't think.

It's like the horse scandal.

Wait, can I ask one more question now? Now I'm in control of the podcast. Now, Yes, me and Ruby have been talking about this a lot. Ruby's my roommate here.

Happy birthday.

Ruby Ruby an iconic Leo woman, a lioness.

She is one of the best.

We have see her show Tragedy at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

Sorry your question.

I think I've been going back and forth on this. If you and these are like really dumb, big questions, but when we're trying to get our mind off of spiraling into extreme existentialism, we are just like whatever. If you had to pick a band, I mean, we're doing it by decade, So I'm going to ask you, like, in a band from two thousand to twenty ten, a band, a singer, whatever, that you could be. But I don't mean just on stage. I meant be in their life. Who would you have chosen from that time?

If I could be someone that was in a band during that time two thousand to two thousand.

Ten, you mean like if you could hang out with the band.

No, like I am, I am Christina Aguilera who switch Foot?

I was absessed with Switchbook.

Aren't they Christian?

Yeah they are Christian? Yeah? Tude?

But it was a walk to remember. It hooked me and I was like, is this singer okay?

Beautiful?

Truly gorgeous?

I actually I think I have my answer.

Okay, So two thousand to twenty ten, Yeah, during this time, a band that was cool and had a lot of potential and would yeah, I would be Adam Levine because also in Adam Levine's straight body guarantee, you like he was fucking models.

He was just like he's still fucking a model.

Well yes, but like at the time when he was like a single guy, yeah, he probably was.

Like but remember the alien and I remember the.

First time I ever saw him. The first time I ever saw Adam Levine, I think I was like twelve or thirteen when I first heard harder to breathe, and.

I said, who is singing this? I have to find out right now.

I love his I thought it was justin Timberlake, and then I come to find out it was Adam Levine. Then I watched this love music video. I thought, he is so fucking hot. I was so into him. I would be him if I could go back.

Yes, that is the perfect answer for Matt. Wasn't he like wearing suits back in the day like that?

He was so Their first album songs about Jane would I.

Would say, one of the best albums from that deck.

It is so good it won't be soon before long. Their second they had a great sophomore album too.

Yes they did it, had that song all the really good and I love that and I loved them. And then they I think they just went like pop cringe, which like say what you want, Like they they touched in on the ability to do.

That that's a pop sound. Yeah, they all did it, but they fully did it and then became you know, Moroon five.

But back in the day, they really actually were cool and he was so hot to me.

I loved everything about him.

I literally couldn't control myself when I saw him I was like, that guy is my crush.

Yeah, yeah, they did snl they and they sang. That was the first time I heard this love and I was like, this song is amazing. Who is that guy in a in a fucking suit? It was so funny. Yeah, unrecognizable.

That was the time when like a lot of those bands were doing this suit thing, like remember like the Vines, remember like that whole genre of indie rock.

That was also justin Timberlake doing top doing shoot and time, literally shoot and type branding himself what was Yes, But yeah, that was like guys were cool.

Guys were cool. I would have also I would have also been I don't know if this counts, Greta and we need to hear your answer, okay, but I would have loved to be like Sophia and Stevens in that era.

Oh no, that that counts. Like, like my pick is Karen O. I would have loved to have been Karen. Oh two thousand to two thousand.

Didn't we think we saw her? We did?

Wait?

Where were we? Oh my god, we saw Karen.

And Matt kept on I was freaking out and that she.

Was being insane. She got up.

We were we were at the table next to next time you were and I have to tell you you were being crazy table and stands. She stands staring at this woman. And that's one cool thing about me is I'm so uncool.

I don't know who Karen Oh is.

So Greta is staring at this woman, and I thought, do you have like a vendetta against this family? It was giving Psycho killer and then I'm like Karen, I dragged her out and she goes, that was Karen Oh.

He was like, oh.

Yeah, I was like Karen Oh, well, I mean still is. But of that time was no one was cooler, Like, no one was cooler than Karen O you, no one was her stage presence. She kind of just like weird like Bowie, like Artie, like I don't know, kind of byorky vibe. It's just like she was so many things in one body. And I love the Aas. I love their music so much, and I just like they're so good live like they're just I mean, they still are.

But you know that's answer.

Yeah, that's that is That is my two thousand and twenty ten answer. Obviously I would not want to be this person, but of course we're so curious what was it like to be a pop girl y at that time. I don't want to know because it was awful and I would never want to be in that body.

Yeah, terrible, No, terrible to be picked apart as much as they were, it's just crazy.

Well, you have no autonomy, you have no control over your life period.

But you know who like really took the reins and I'm not even joking. Many Moore was like, I'm not doing all this. Let me let me switch to acting and let me let me let me release the covers album for my third album. She went, I'm already gonna like pivot change direction. I'm already gonna do like covers, like I'm not gonna be a pop star. I'm gonna I'm gonna do like can we still be friends?

That? I'm like, that is a choice, and she picked cool music to it. She did not.

One of those covers was like a one to one. This is what Mandy Moore at the time would be singing.

It was like a little.

Can I just say it's such a good voice.

She has such a good.

Nice she's a good one.

She's important.

Oh no, she's respected. She's an Emmy nominated actress who, by the.

Way, walk to remember. As Bowen mentioned, but a few moments ago, breathtaking performance in sex film You.

Got to rewatch saved, saved.

Her layered haircut and saved is correct.

The scene where she's like emphatically like praying is like, Oh my god, she really went there. She really really Many Moore was a Christian actress.

She was a Christian devout icon That cast in that film is saved.

Amazing.

Jet him alone, right him alone.

Mcaulay Culkin, Susan Sarandon's daughter with the huge tits, Patrick.

Fugit, Oh wow, Just to go really quickly back to a want to remember that. We don't talk about the iconography of this exchange. Shane West, I want to kiss you, Mandy. I think I might be bad at it. Shane. That's not possible.

Not just promised not to fall in love with me.

Oh my god, Okay, what the way that I sobbed and sobbed.

By the way, shout out to Adam Shankman, the director, shout out, we love you, ad him so.

At the end of the movie when you hear her iconic hell always written, and then her love is.

Like the wind wind.

I can't. I can't see it, but I can feel it.

I can feel it. Yeah, Shane was.

I was like, wow, see him hit him another way. He was a constant. He was a constantly come involuntary com You.

Know what I will say that Shane West the one.

Okay free anal orgasm psyched for Shane West.

I could feel my hat orgasm.

Oh my god, three Richter scale rattle when I saw Shane West.

Really weird little voice.

I saw Shane West. Weren't you with me? When I saw him at Elkam Padre in l a like over during peak COVID eating outside.

Do you want to I'm in a wist, partner. Do you want to tell your story about? No?

Oh my Goddeen idol one time?

And it's my favorite story I ever heard. But none of you will ever know you with the.

Teen idol one time?

And I did. Yeah, it was.

There was a fingering situation happening.

You know. I told that to a bunch of my gay friends and they it's the most iconic thing they ever heard. Laundromat getting finger She got fingered at drop off service by I'm not kidding you.

One of the hottest teen idols.

Second episode in a row, second episode in a row, We're fingering has entered the chat.

I literally I've been thinking about it so much.

I'm so horny lately. I don't know what's going on, and I haven't had sex in a while, so I'm just like, I just want to finger in there so bad.

Well, the thing is definitely get you fingered. We can get you some like porky Scottish fingers.

Oh my god, I think, yeah, finger.

Yeah, we can.

I one of the bus boys.

Wait, oh, I wanted to say something. You know, what's the best thing about twenty twenty three the resurrection of Josh.

Hartnett, who was aging like Richard Gere.

Yeah, like a fine piece of wine, I mean, just stelectable that that man.

And look Oppenheimer. I was happy to see Olivia Thill be working again. She who fucked El the pe on the set of Juno constantly.

That is it is a really iconic story.

That Elliott's book.

I need to read it.

His book is steaming hot Tea.

Well, we might even from Greta about all this fingering.

I will say, sadly, sadly it was just fingering, so no one started.

Sadly, nothing sad about that.

No, sometimes all it takes is two fingers, definitely.

I'm good.

I'm good with the two. I need five.

The way it's so big and sobby down there, Oh honey.

It's time for I don't think so, honey.

This is our sixty second segment that we do on every episode of Lost Coach Recess. Today is no different. I'm going to be returning to the top, the themes of the top, Yes, themes of the top of my look, just kidding, more verse bottom these days with old age.

H Okay, I'm right.

How something this is, Matt Rogers, I don't think so many as time starts new, I.

Don't think so honey.

Calling them toilets all over Europe, it's like where's the toilet?

Signs that say toilet.

Toilet is a disgusting word that I don't think so honey about.

They're called restrooms, they are called bathrooms.

If we're in Europe, capitalize on your language and call it the loo toilet. This is a disgusting, hard word to wrap my head around.

When I go to the toilet.

That is the literal toilet itself, not the room that it's in. Can we have some goddamn mystery. For once in my life. When you say toilet, I'm thinking of I can they can basically taste it and smell it, the poop and the When you say restroom, I think a place you go to relieve yourself. Fine, that's kuth. Aren't we supposed to have some taste here in Europe? Isn't it supposed to be refined? Isn't it supposed to be the pinnacle of culture that have come over in America?

And that's one minute.

Now. I don't be an American.

I don't disagree with you, but bathroom is not even that accurate either, right, you're not taking bad.

Listen all this I wave in my hand at it. I say this two things. One put it all in one room. I don't want to have to take a ship and leave you know, the toilet, closet, closet.

No, these are also two weird words. Those are my notes. I don't know.

Okay, that is very very brave. People don't talk about this enough.

I just love the way he said that. That is very very very brave.

That is very brave.

He's proud of me. Okay, well this is bone Yang's I don't think so, honey, and his time starts now.

I don't think so, honey. Unicorns. My nieces love unicorns and they went, you know what, it's disgusting. How come most of them are white. It's giving supremacy period. It has it has a horn that's disgusting. I don't A horse should not have a horn. That's dangerous, that could really hurt someone. And these unicorns are not real. So why are these kids obsessed with a fake animal? They should be worshiping dolphin. Get unicorns out of the pantheon

And that's one minute the amount of kids who believe that dragons are't real because of Game of Thrones.

They really think this, They really do.

They think it, and they're they're not gonna not think it because they don't have.

You add it to the list of things that we have to just tell kids about. Eventually, we tell them Santa isn't real, unicorns aren't real, dragons aren't real. It is too much.

And you know what probably smells terrible? A unicorn's horn.

Why do you think it smells terrible?

It's a it's a disgusting it. It's essentially like it's it's an exposed bone.

Do you think that an elephant's tusks smell bad?

Yeah, I don't know.

Probably probably smells like manure, Probably smells like dirty.

Elephant, sounds like pool water. Horrible.

I just can't with these unicorns. And here's the thing. You know what's better in theory than a.

Practice a horse. I'm way better in theory than practice.

I know.

I know a horse is spun in a picture, but not in real life.

I took a picture with one the other day that I want to kiss it no.

No.

Also, I don't think killed by a horse.

Why did that story get so much pick up, by the way.

Because I think that people were trying to make something out of nothing with you shading the crew story.

Tell the story the crew was the story is that the you know, and and and our our first ad Adam asked off who I love, texted me and apologized and I said.

Adam, it's not it's oh my god.

The crew in Iceland decided to film a shot with a drone of me and Nora on horses, and of course the drone freaked out the horses and I almost got fucking thrown off.

Mm.

Yeah, And you know, you know what would have been a crazy headline Bow and Yang thirty two promising any nominated multi cam actor thrown from horse. You know, if unicorns were real, you could have been killed. Had that been a unicorn and not a horse, you would.

The horn.

I would have died.

Yeah, absolutely, smelly horn.

Yes, stinky poop poop horn.

I said, poop poop. I can't imagine a worst headline. Then Bowen Yang.

He passed away, being savored.

He passed away, Bow and Yang passed. If I had gotten a call we have some bad news.

Don't what happens is going to make me cry.

I'm gonna cry.

I said, what he's gone? And they said he's gone. I said wow. They said he was doing an episode of Nora.

I said, what happened? Looking me crying? Look at me?

They said, get close, get close.

They said he didn't make it. I said what They said he was riding a horse. I said, what, what episode was it this? They said, well, I went to Iceland. They were doing a really funny story. The finally Bowen's character got explored it as deeper than service Way. I think he was running a horse. He was so such a funny scene on paper. He didn't make it. When he was thrown from the horse, he just he was killed.

I said, well, we have to have an episode to speak of lost culture.

They said, can you get sooty?

I said, probably, said let me text her. I said, wait, hold on, is there gonna be a funeral?

Like what the fuck?

They were like, probably, Uh, you have to talk to the family. I was like, oh my god, Jesus Christ.

And then and then finally this is the kicker. They go, I need you to come down to identify the body.

Oh, my god.

They made me come all the way to Iceland to identify the body.

He was mauled Bowen.

I can barely see his face had the elephant stopped his face out. I said, my sister, not my girl, not like that. They said, oh, sir, They.

Said that this is why you would soar in multi cam.

That's really good, Matthew.

I think it's time for Gretta is I don't think.

So, honey.

Okay, okay, wait, do you want to time me?

Go time you so you can see on the screen. Okay, okay, this.

Is Greta titlemans. I don't think so, honey. Her time starts it now.

I don't think so, honey. Military time okay, my thing? If you have it on your screen, what do you think you're better than me? That you're looking at your time in some European code? Honey, you're not in the military, okay. And also, if I'm meeting up with you and you have military time on your phone, you better say we're me at twenty two thirty, honey, because unless you're using my time, which is you know, eight thirty PM people use military time, you're not saying let's meet up at

And I'm proud to be an American, and I'm proud to be.

An American with my twelve hour clock.

Nice try, Lieutenant Dan, how about you tell me we're meeting at eight thirty.

Yeah, this actually is a good segue.

Bowen, Greta and I were having a conversation just now at lunch, like we do, Greta says, And Bowen is one of this actress's foremost fans. Did Natalie Portman serve in the Israeli military for two years? She was? She was.

No, I told you. She didn't say she grew.

Up on she grew up on Long Island.

That's what I said. That's what I said.

What did I say? I was going to tell Bowen?

What oh that you think it's funny that Gal Gadot was in the Israeli military.

But she I think I'm going to start a rumor that Natalie Portman served in the military and was a drone operator.

That's a nat I did an impression of Natalie apartment operate.

Driving throne. It was like this on my tail, and then I said, what if? What if she was like rehearsing her Jackie accent while she.

Was doing the like that on my I'm on them.

Look a look at look at my grip. I can't do I can't do it. Look at my Look at my Look at my grip.

Yat at my grip.

Jack it's me and Ana operating the drone, operating operating that I can't do.

I need to learn that accent.

It's like it's just great.

It's just great. It's just great gardens.

Operating the drug. But Atlantic, I can't do it.

I can't I.

Talk.

I think the three of us are so good at accents in moments, but something about today in this episode. I'll speak for myself. I'm so sorry to bring you guys into this. I feel like I have not really stepped up to my accent game.

No, we've been doing awful accent work today. I mean my Scottish accent terrible.

Talking about I think he's been amazing often up, We're a good job.

Just just just do Alan coming if you're if.

You Oh, I love.

Quote my most favorite movie of all time, and I'm gonna say it and I'll see if you too know what it's from. Okay, eat this for breakfast.

Launch sex tape.

Yeah, I'm eating bread found right air m that's set tape ever of all time? Yes, and then I love Sharon. Do you ever hear Sharon Osborne's review of that sex tape?

No, she goes he's got to dick like a salami.

And we're back. We're back to the accent being on point.

He's going to take like.

A salon, a Salomi on the talk.

Oh I wish, I wish it was a show that I do. Miss I keep the Osborne's well, well, you miss a bo Here's my thing. I'm feeling really not seen in my culture this episode. I bring up God Forbid, I bring up Jack Ryan, and the.

Odd was affirming you.

I've been affirming you.

See his energy to me, he's getting reclined in a chair like he wants me to pass him a fucking four foot Iladelph Bong okay, and you know we're here just.

Doing your bad. We're all literally just doing our best.

Aren't we.

Yeah, it's nice, we are.

Well, if you are in Edinburgh, Scotland, you've got to go see Exquisite Lies. Yes, please grant a title man. And there's also tons of other amazing shows. I'm excited because well, by the time this episode is out, she'll be gone. But Patty Harrison's my huge Tit's huge because Infected not Fake has been a real barn burner here, hit.

Hit Hit, mccallister's tragedy, beg Insalter's Night of Mayhem, and many of them and many others, many, many more, and we're going to see when they exchange later.

I love it. It is literally culture.

I will say one final I don't think so, honey. Thought is that you know, reviewing is a huge part of the culture out here, getting reviews, getting written up, and thankfully, knock on wood, I've gotten some very nice reviews, but I did get one not so nice review. And here's my thing. If you want, if you are a reviewer,

That's just crazy.

That is the most ad hominem bullshit. That is so personal, That is so like this person. What does that have anything to do with the fucking show, you fucking idiot.

Oh so, honey, I'm here for work. You think I'm here? I mean, and by the way, I am making absolutely fabulous, lovely friends.

Thank you very much.

Literally, you're not there to make friends, no period.

That's Kelly.

I know.

Dumb is dumb as shit. Dumb is a unicorn's ship.

Usk you Are you feeling better?

I don't know. I think the titlan All is kicking in. I think my hope is that I broke my fever last night and I'm on the up and up. If I miss Vegas, I will never forgive myself.

You're not no.

I don't want to even tell vitamin infusion. Can you go and get like a shot of like.

You know between beech in your description called called the IV people.

You don't need a prescription, getn't get the ivy DoPT.

Don't come to your house.

Yeah hm hmmm, I'm don't look into it then.

And you can also just go and get a shot, like if I'd been shot.

In your ass.

I love them, I miss I miss getting those shots in my ass.

We have to and this episode of the song because that's what we do every single time.

I'll always remember.

It was late afternoon, It lasted for and ended so soon. Yeah you by.

Staring about it, doctor gas guy, I was changed and please and no one went fine, all.

Feeling so deep inside.

Inside was there?

I realize that corri rises the moments.

Cry cry my moments, Oh no no, I wanted to call you.

I wanted to make you go away.

I didn't you know, I wanted maybe.

For more of that listened to a want to remember soundtra and her love is like the wind.

I can't see it, but I hail it. Bye