CULTCH WAR LIVE! (Part Two)

part of bo Podcast Festival. So I don't cut a bit off. I'm so sorry, but look, I was just so excited to talk about our next live show, I Don't Think So Honey Live on November eighteenth at ten pm at the Bell House. That's part of the Brooklyn Podcast Festival. Is it because we have amazing people like Francesco Ramsey, Jill Kim Booster, Achilla Hughes, Brandon, Scott Jones, Sarah Tola, Mush, Mike Kelton in so much more, all

serving one minute rans on culture. It is. And it's so funny because I was going to say that same exact thing. That's because that's what's on the paper in front of us. We don't have a paper in front of us. Who's right, Who's wrong? Find out at the show. Now, this next battle our Southern bells, the Southern Bells, Now, Matt, why don't you describe your your contestant. Oh my gosh, I'm so fucking excited to bring my contestant to the stage. My contestant is on the mod team of the Classic

and is a veteran of characters. Welcome, and guess what, She's a fucking teacher at the UCB. So if you want to fucking learn something, you better open your goddamn dumbass eyes and peel them and stick it up here. Stick your eyes up here. That's what I said. This motherfuck Chris is Chrissy Shacob. Motherfuck Chris has shacks. There's some thirsty gays just up on this stage. The gays. We're up here. And now a thirsty Southern bell And now my contestant, my Southern bell hailing from the great

state of Georgia, is coming up here. And listen. She and I have been in the trenches together. We've stuffed food in each other's mouths as a bit on stage at the now defunct over the eight mean, she rests and she is someone who books the house down boots. You see her all over the fucking city. She's iconic. I love her. She's in Atlanta, Queen, please welcome. Chill was sharp. Oh my god, you're gonna if you're gonna, now, you're gonna. Now. You got it all right? So the

Great State of Texas is gonna stick. Take the stage first. Chrissie is up, Bowen, Are you ready to give her a damn? This is Chrissy Shackleford. I don't think so, honey. Time starts now. I don't think so, honey. People who don't know how to act in a Starbucks, Okay, I am talking to all of you. Brooklyn A drink local coffee, go funk yourself. When you go into a Starbucks, learn how to act. I see you walk in there, like, where's the line? Bitch? All the Starbucks look exactly the same.

The lines are by the little snacks. And then you go to the register, you order your coffee, you pay for it, and then you wait at the register for your coffee. Are you stupid? I'm standing behind you, ready to order my skim caramel latte. Thank you watching the wait and you are standing in front of the register, not knowing to get your dumb mass down to the counter where they're gonna call your fucking name. Okay, you Brooklyn Wednesday, Adam's Halloween costume. Bitches, come into my basic

Heaven Starbucks and Buck shut up. I'll see you while I'm watching. This is one but this is us, all right, here we go. It's time, It's time for sale. Was sharp your I don't think so, honey. Time starts now. I don't think so, honey. People who assume I know how to twork fucked up. I know how the ass looks, I know it's big, but I'm not here to teach you how to do with Becky. I'm not doing it. I don't do line dances. Quit asking me to start the electric slide. I don't do it. That's fucked up.

I come from a time when all you had to do was look good in your genes. You didn't have to then move it like you're nervous all the goddamn talk. What is scared off? Me and j Lo? We don't twork. Check it out. Watch that video she made with one of them, one of them flower bitches. The Australian one with the long blonde hair. All they're doing is just nothing meat together. They're not actually talking. She didn't have to twork, She teasing red lips, a tight jean, a

high heel. That's what I do. I don't shake that ship funk all of y'all. I don't think so, honey. I'm not teaching you all the stick a girl. Mom boons are internal. I think you'll dick in half, but I stuff to break your dick in half. Cho Wow, let's throw it over to the go for a comment from Joel can booster our judge? Wow, Um, this one's gonna hurt me. I have so much deep respect for both of you women. Um, I really don't know which one I'm going to go with at this time. Starbucks

is it culture? It is food culture. I guess drinking culture, line culture, that sort of thing. I like your call the snacks. My one critique for you, Chrissie is, um, I don't feel like you showed up to work dressed to work today? Can I fucking tell you? Bitch? I have not a penny to my name, and I do not wear red. I'm waiting for a paycheck to come in, and I could not go out and buy a shirt. It's he was in saying to me that you don't

know own any red. Um. And then over here we have um a sort of oriental inspired dress, which does feel directly like it's attacking me. I don't feel attacked, don't I have to say I don't. I don't feel attacked. I'm an immigrant. I'm an immigrant. I don't speak for the entire community. I don't speak for the entire community, but I will say I was taken aback, you know. So it's sort of startorial. Lee is sort of a draw for me in that way. Um, but god, I loved it. I loved I think it's the first I

don't think so honey about dance. And I loved that, um because again a big pillar of culture dance. Yeah, alright, let's start over to Michelle Collins. Michelle, Okay, I'm gonna make this pick just kidding. You are adorable. UM. I love Starbucks. I get I have a hundred and twenty five points in my account every day. I don't know, I spend a lot of money there, and I agree, But also that's kind of the fun of Starbucks, isn't it.

That it's like a big wild West and like getting to watch people if not know what the funk they're doing, and it gets very confusing. They're ordering like these Suvie egg bites. If you want an order of each, meaning two of each, you have to say no, two of each because other ways I'll be like, we don't split them up. It's confusing. No one gets it. Okay, listen,

you'll try them, you'll order it. It's fine, Um and SHELI what I have to tell you that I am changing my tender bio to My moves are internal, so I'm forever indebted to you. I am also I have a big old ass. I also don't work. I also do an exercise. It's not the point, but I, Um, I really felt connected to both of your stories and I want to thank you for sharing them with us today. Okay,

beautiful Tyler Coone. Um, you know, I think your your piece was so direct and and you got I mean you got there so quickly, and you stayed with it, and I respect it and I just loved it. And with I think with this was your Starbucks story. It is a story. It's a it's a true one act play in a minute, you know, and I think that you know. It gave you a place, it gave me

a setting. But you know what, I could see the people that you were talking about, whether my my home, neighborhood of Park Slope children, or if I was in the Starbucks in Times Square, just Europeans who have no idea what's going on. And I just loved that. I saw the full spectrum. So again, as JULSOI very tough for me beautiful Okay, so we have a tough race again. These ladies killed it. I am going to ask for the reveal of the votes in three two one go

babies across the sh advances to the next round. Thank you, La, get it up for Chrissie Shackle, for everybody Christie at Wow. Let's keep things going, shall we, Matt, what's this next one? Well learned? Well learned? All right? This next, this next round is the art queers. You can see these queers fucking around with some art. I want to welcome up to the stage right now you're about to be receiving some true fire from Gabe Gonzalez. Come on, baby, give

out for game Gunzal. Here we go from my side. Please welcome they have a show at Carolines on Broadway as part of the festival this week. You can see them up from all over town. Please welcome to the stage. Peter Smith, Peter, all right, Gabe, you are first bone. Let's get time on the clock. Let's get time on the clock for Gabes. I don't think so, honey, Gabe gonzalez Is. I don't think so, honey. His time starts now.

I don't think so, honey. People who have told me to stop speaking Spanish in public, kick and get out that may And if you couldn't understand it, that's your fault for phone to get in during Miss Sandra seventh grade Spanish class and assuming the English lang would you would booie your mediocre mono lingual Anglo ass into the century. I don't think so, honey. And news flash for you, Miss Becky bow Bundy sits up there to me and

my grandma out of Walgreens in Tampa, Florida. You look like a bitch, And you look like a bitch because you're mad because I'm bilingual and at least I have a few options, and you also look like a bitch. For scream and get a lady who came before for Puerto Rico with five kids and learned your basic ass language with contradictory grammatical rules, so she could buy your flavorless food and put her kids in the second world

school system in the country. But you know what, they still speak better English than you because your inbred ass keeps tripping over. There's tim bacgrawl lyrics. So I have said it by that one, don't they so jump and sucking on honey Stow lyrics? Alright, Peter Smith, take god, what the fucking theatrics? Dank? He's you're listening at home? I just sat down your I don't think so, honey begins now, I don't think so, honey. Duke of Cornwall, son of Queen Elizabeth, the second heir to the throne,

Prince Charles. How dare you? You were married to the epitome of glamor. The glamorous is the most beautiful woman in the world and you ruined it. Thirty seconds you she hit with Camilla Parker balls. Your face looks like popped gum. You want to die so that your son can do all the work for you and you can just get the paychecks. This is show bizbaby, fucking plate. I know, I know he's had a rough go just kidding. Check your privilege, bitch. I don't think so, honey, popped

gum ass face die. That is one minute Sater said it was stunning, fantastic, stunning. I don't think so, honey. Wow, a lot of carnage. Having two amazing takes, two different takes. Here we go to the judges. You know, I feel like I just watched like an R and B artist and a country artist. Computer. You couldn't have been too completely different energies that we were getting. Um, Gabe definitely giving me a culture in that I find bilinguals like

uh six, Um, I thought I loved that. I loved it was like when Shakira was a joy a void the judge on the voice and people came and Spa saying Spanish songs for her. I speak Spanish, so I felt like it was for me. Um, you're one of the I am on the verge of a stroke. Um, Peter, when you who sat down, you made the people come to you. Um, you made them come to you, and I respect the hell out of that. So I don't know what I'm gonna do. Wow, all right, um, Okay,

well let's start. I'm gonna start with Peter because I feel like let's mix it up a little bit. Peter, First of all, the look beyond, I mean just to die for those listening at home, I look great, genuinely, and I do feel like your energy is like otherworldly in a way that intrigues me so much that I never want to not look at you. I'm like, tell me everything about you, like right, like the sitting and the looking. It's just you. You have such an elegant

aura and I really really appreciate that about you. And also I agree about Camilla. So let's move it. If you really want to laugh after the show, google uh Kim Miller, Parker Horse Like, just google it and I'm telling you laws for days you'll die. And then now, Gabe, you really triggered me a little bit because I failed my college Spanish class. And um that's a fact at Bernard Ideal it Um my professor was the sister of Lalo Schiffrin who rode to the Mission Impossible the same theme.

So also funck that movie and show. Um am I with you guys, Okay, I'll just stop. The point is you did great. Thank you thanks Tyler code. Tyler, I gave your soap bold and you made me triggered me to to uh high school when I was taught Spanish by uh this woman from Virginia who was very white and very southern. So this very class a uh you know, tango like I don't. I lost all of it. So you know that's my failure. Um, I got seized the entire time. And Peter, you know, I feel like I

was watching an episode of the Crown. So much happened, well, so little happened, but I so much. But still it made me want I need to go on Wikipedia to verify everything. I want to go on a journey for my own sake. And you know that's that's the stuff that cultures made of. All right, let's put it to a vote for the judges on the count. Let's get the results of that vote. One, two, three judges. Let's take a look. We've got Peter's across the bard. Peter

Smith advances to the next round. It's okay, white people will always pickle onialism. I'monialism, fine, it's fine. I'm royalty in my heart. Royalty can't get it up anybody. Wow. All right, let's keep going. This is a crazy one. This is a nuts and one. This one is called Facebook shaker uppers. And now we're going to bring them to the stage. God put him the wholesome miss Andrew and Marcia and Ray Sanny, Marshall Belski. Here we go, Darling, here we go. Now let's welcome up my contested my

teammate Nicole Silverberg. Thank you all right, So get time on the clock. Bowen, this is Marshabowski's I don't think so, honey. Her time starts now. I'm going on the nose. I don't think so, honey, Mark Zuckerberg, Mark Zuckerberg, you wease a lot to face, fake perm piece of shit. I don't think so. I wish al Gored never invented the Internet, and I wish God had never invented you. I don't think so, honey, Mark. Freedom of the Internet. Your Internet

maybe free. My Internet is a prison of my own making. Mark, you are Joseph Gerbel's Mark. Do you understand that this is my impression of Mark Zuckerberg. Do you want to buy an ad for Russia? I will not tell. I will not tell. Listen, Mark, if you're the first Jewish president, I will undo my b mitzvah. Okay, I will cancel birthright for everyone. Knock knock, who's there? Me? Mark always? Honey, that's one to knock me, Mark always. Now, let's get

time on the clock for Nicole Silverberg. Nicole, your time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Jane Goodall, Bitch, the monkey thing is weird. I don't care that you wrote all these books. I don't care that you did all this research about chimpanzees. No matter what, your Christmas card is the saddest one in your friend group. Okay, bitch, I don't think so, honey, Jane Goodall, Okay, listen, bitch,

you were married twice. The last time you were married and ended in nineteen eight, and the whole reason you were even married to that fucking guy would be he had like power in Tanzania to make you fucking do your research without getting caught like, bitch, you have to move away from the monkeys. You call yourself a humanitarian. Very easy to do when you haven't met a human. Okay, but Jane Goodall, I don't buy your whole thing. I

don't think it's noble. I don't think it's smart. You know what a chimp is really the least good human and that's my smart contribution. Bitch, I don't think so, honey. Jane Goodall's very good, beautiful. That was that was amazing. I mean, I mean, I'm going to u Joel. That was some culture around there. That's truly an honor to judge two titans of white feminism. Truly, I'm not even sure. Um. Marcia, I loved your fire. You bring passion to everything you do,

and that's what I love about you. I will say I did one sleep with one of the original developers of Facebook, so I did feel personally attacked. And Nicole, U mean you really went I was. It was really like left field. I did not expect it. I did not see it coming. I don't think I've ever heard

Jane Goodall bitch um spoken like. I'm not sure Jane Goodall has ever been called a bitch, And it just reminded me that I love We're living in a cultural moment where bitch is just kind of a punctuation, Marca, and I love that about you. So I don't know what I'm gonna do. Alright, Michelle, Hi, guys, all right, Marcia, great energy, hi. Um. I also hate Facebook and I'm every day on the verge of absolutely deleting it because even like my very sad fan page is just racists.

I'm like, wait, they're fans. No, Like I guess there's so mean like it is truly the garbage dump of America. I agree, it's it's awful. Um. That being said, I like, you know, getting legs and hearts, so whatever. I'm very I'm a simple girl, but I get it. But also, don't cancel Birthright. What a great journey we've all been on now, Um, I mean, really did you do birthright? Um? I did, like a birthright type thing, let's hook ups.

We went to type thing, let's hook ups. I'm through, okay, but that's the whole point of Birthright is the hanicaps and like the clubs and telling vive Okay, Pine Cole, I really have to disagree with you here, Jane Goodall, I'm sorry. My dream is to have a chimp rip my face off? Are you kidding me? How chic is that? That woman over? I was like, what a star? Better after the surgery? Okay? You never know? And the chimps

are so fucking cute? Are you kidding me, like scooping your little go online and you watch videos of Cocoa the Gorilla playing guitar with Betty White and you tell me if that's not your fucking dream, Okay, because all I want to do is hang with Coco. Sorry I said this was so sad for me. It's very sad for me. I know I'm sad. Well. I think our votes just change. We're back, um anyways, that being sad, I love monkeys, thank you. Tyler Bowen is wiping up

beer that he's spilled with his cape. Horrible. He's horrible, horrible. I hate monkeys. Suck up literally fucking can. I mean they're your uncle's please. I don't like my uncle's either, so that's mistaken. I'm prony who's pro monkey? You animal? You're all animals for not being pro monkey? My uncles are on Facebook and I hate Facebook two anyway, so fuck monkeys. I never again true surprise, however, you know I love it. Um, she needs new friends, that's friends.

Let's I agree with everything you said, and Marshall, obviously I agree with everything you say. I do wish it was a surprise, That's all I'm gonna say that that's all right, all right, okay, so now count of three. Let's have our judges right down. We're gonna you have a slow countdown from three, three, two one. Reveal Nicole, Nicole is Nicole? Forgot to Nicole, get it up for Marcia balls full takes it. So so far we have Bowen has five and I have three. Bow I believe you,

I believe I have I have five. You're right, yes, okay, guys, this for this round, don't match a further round. Let's do it. Let's go. Yes, all right, please welcome to the stage, I mean, the Queen of my heart, Michelle bo. Yes, come on fence, Oh, come on, come on, Michelle Wow, and please welcome. She's gonna make an entrance in some way in the Queen of my heart. Annie Dodley. Where is she coming? Where? Oh no, no, clean mind the plus size want she getting married? What the funk she doing?

Is this? Cats? Is this? Cats? What is this? Cats? Were here? We go? Let's do it. Oh my god, it's time for Michelle girl taking my motherfucker's space. Ya claiming my time, claiming my time times. I don't think so, honey, time starts now, I don't think so. The motherfucker that decided a mirror was a cute idea across from the toilet in the fancy hotel I'm staying at. I sat down on the toilet, I looked at myself and I

was like, I don't think so, honey. Okay, if I want to see what I look like sitting down naked, I would have made a sex tape. Bitch. I don't think so, honey. This douche architect, motherfucker, American psycho, entitle white motherfucker that was just like, oh, yes, you gotta look at yourself. Ship, you gotta be cute. I blame the patriarchy for this ship. I do not think so, honey. I mean, look, I have not found my belly button when I sit down since I was twelve years old.

I'm not trying to start, Okay, Jenny Craig, don't care. My husband don't care. I sit on his face. We make it fucking happen five seconds. I don't give a fuck who you is. Okay, you could be Idris Elba, Jason Momoa, George Clooney, The Rock, The Fat Rock, Lisa Bone, Lisa bow Hey, Holle, Barry Beyonce, salon. Okay, I don't give a funk who you are. You are not you when you take a ship. If you want to see what you look like taking a ship, get over and say to you, motherfucker. Okay I I oh, how did

you even hear it? I didn't hear it. I gotta camel toe to the thirty fives like wow, she didn't even care. You're too weak. You're too weak to stop for your two week Sorry. You gotta be loud like Steve hard, like Steve Harvey. She said, this is this is Diva delox is the title this matchup and CA's safe before and please welcome my deep Annie. Don lady unwill Annie? Your time starts now? I don't think so, honey, Steve Harvey, with all your dating books for women, bit

and like a woman, think like a man? What think like a man? Am I supposed to think about writing a memo to my coworkers. Do not distort me when I'm sitting in my makeup chair. Do not approach me in the hallway. A man, don't talk that way. Face is Steve, You're a diva. Be thirty seconds what he seconds? I will never ever for as long as I live. Yet what you did to those women in the miss you knows seconds. I know that you are a man of God, Steve, so I sulcerely hope that you are

somewhere five seconds. Ship, that's one minute, right, that's one minute. Just think fresh up. Oh my word, this motherfucker's um Joel feedback. This is humiliated. Annie Donnelly just humiliated every gay person in this room, in this competition. She just gave us more drag than anybody else ever could. Here's the thing, though, I'm not sure I understood where that she screamed, Um, I know is about Steve Harvey and it was full energy. Um. Who is this person? I've

never seen him in my life. Michelle the just the baddest bitch. I think it takes such guts to go thirty seconds over the prescribed one minute, and then to claim you've con here. I think it is a real bosss move. That is your white jumpsuit. Um, that is what you brought to this. So God bless you. I love you. But Michelle Collins, I'm actually going to piggyback off that and say you deserve those thirty seconds, because that rocky entrance was at least three minutes. Dam time.

I loved it, but I was there for you, and I said. Now that being said, I also agree with you about toilet mirrors. Um. I don't like it. I don't like seeing it. And it also makes me realize how much roommate take up. When I sit on the subway, I'm like, oh god, I'm like, no wonder. So I felt that it really I spread is real, Michelle, It really really is. It's my man's reading now, Annie, Uh, you can look at me? Okay, what she won't She won't look at me. Is this like a Steve Harvey

like homage? Yes, it's just it's her nails. Oh my god, Oh my god? Is this a personal thing? I'll kill her? Anyways? Al Right, well, great job. I guess that's it. My dad owns a Jack as Steve Harvey jacket from Sears, so that's all I have to say that that's true. But you look great. You look great. Um. I was terrified about this matchup from the start, and my expectations were not as high as they should have been. Um.

I will start with Michelle. Every time you get up to a microphone, I mean, you could be pulling everything out of your ass at that moment. But it sounds like you wrote it, revised it, revised it again. It's fully formed, it's thought out, and I think you were planning to take that time and I respect that. Um. Annie, you fucking scare me. Um And I respect that too because I like being spooked. So I have that for you. Amazing feedback from the judges. What around? What a matchup?

This is crazy, but you have to make a choice. Goes I. Count of three, slow, countdown, three to one. Let's get our names in and it is Michelle Michelle Route takes it home. There we guys, Annie Dunley, give it the funk up for this queen. Now now it's fine of say my second one was short, dick Man, Well you might have said that too soon, Annie, Annie Donney. There is a twist for round two. Each Bowen and I get to redeem someone and steal someone who has

lost from the other team. Bowen, we'll go to you first, since you were winning as of right now. Who is your redemption? My redemption will be Oh, this is so so hard. Okay, you know what I have to redeem. Michael Hartney. Michael Hartney is bathroom the back of the mess back of the next Michael Harney, Matt, what about you? My redemption is going to be Pat Reagan because I believe in you and I believe that you can get

up here and stand where you're supposed to fucking stand. Bowen, Who will you steal out of the people that have failed from my team to win? And move tons around? Two? I'm going to steal Elease Morales. Elie Morales is back in the max. Elease You're back in. That's an amazing choice. I'm really proud of. I'm really happy with that choice. And I steal Anti fucking Doddy bitch. There we go host. All right, you guys, we're gonna take a quick ten

minute break. We know we're gonna take a five minute break. Right back here, drink Hi, everybody. This is Matt Rodgers. I'm sitting here with Bone Yang and we're the co host of the Last Cultures podcast, and we're so excited because we have a beautiful, amazing, wonderful live show that we want you, yes, you to be at. It's called I Don't Think So Honey Live. It's our third installment of the show and it's all going down at the Bellhouse on Saturday, Novem ten pm is part of Brooklyn

Podcast Festival. Now. I am so excited for all of these guests. We picked out fifty brand new comedians who have not done and I don't think so, Honey live been one of our live shows before, to take something to task and culture that's bothering them and this is so fun. We're so excited to be part of the festival, to do our first show at the Bell House, and we hope you come out. It's always such a fun time and who knows, maybe you might get called up

to do your own. I don't think so. There will be a raffle, and if you win the raffle, not only will you be heralded for giving to charity, pails will be able to do it. I don't think so, Honey, of your own, that's right, an interactive show, you bitch bit. I don't know. I think you should really think about coming out to this. I think you're gonna have a good time, a lot of good talent, a lot of good friends. Possibly you know what general drinks to choose

from from the bar? Yeah, they have their liquor license. That's always number one. Gotta have the liquor license, and then number two stage a stage and number three the cabaret laws are gone. You can dance all you want. Now, wow, Well, don't answering the show because you know there's a show going on and people want to be focused on that. But you know you wouldn't go to prison if you dance. We would just not not appreciate it. And that's what America is all about. See what the show by. We're

gonna keep things rolling. We know, we know that this is gonna be a fucking marathon, but you know what, it's all worth it for the cultural stuff. Then awards, we're gonna streamline things a little bit. Guys, this is gonna be so fun. Matt, explain to everybody what's gonna happen. Now, here's what's gonna happen. We have thirteen contestants left. What you're about to see is thirteen I don't think I

don't think so Honey is right in a row. Our judges are gonna be watching closely, and at the end of the I don't think so honey is, they are each going to choose one contestants to move on to the finals. We are then going to have a final three, and they will duke it out based on a trollbal suggestion topic from the judges. You can do anything you want. I don't think so, honey, any topic it alright, So we are going to be starting. I'll tell you all

the order right now. We're gonna go, Tim Murray, Annie Donnley, I hope your costume changes over. Pat Reagan, Michael Hartney, Elsa Morales, Greta Titleman, Michelle Bluteau, Peter Smith, Chill with Sharp Ray Sonny, Nicole Silverberg, Dylan Maron, Dave Mazzoni. Alright, let's go. Let's do Who's ready, Who's ready? Who's ready? Yes? How here we go. Tim Murray, please make your way to the stage. Annie Donley, you are on deck all right. This is Tim Murray, who is on Team Matt, Team

Matt and his I don't think so, honey. Time starts now. I don't think so, honey. College theater programs, why are these even still a thing? There are no jobs in theater. We need to stop teaching young white blonde girls two time step. They need to fill out ball, change their major to business. There are eight hundred seventy four hundred and six young white blonde women majoring in musical theater this year. And there are three jobs and one of them is Hamilton's. They're not gonna be in that, at

least I hope not. And what what what? What? Why are we even distill doing this? There? We need doctors, we need lawyers, we need people in the Peace Corps. We don't need another bitch belting the end of astonishing a half stopped flat that gets your sag eligibility will not save the world, you know, I will save the world. Nothing the programs. Fine, I don't think so. I need to get a job. That's why. Minute. That was him, Murray, everyone,

Mury next, please welcome to patriganzl on deck. But please welcome Annie Dolly back stage. And here it's raining, it's raining, it's raining. Any timely, here we go. I'm t Matt. Now this is one minute. Time starts now. I don't think so, honey. The judges commentary on the first round, like, could it be any longer? Hey, this is at your comedy said problem anymore? Honey. This show is for Bowen

and Maud and the performers. Michelle monologue, Enough, honey, time to make some friends, Honey, time to go outside and talk to somebody. Honey, you got fifty of the audience leaving because y'all motherfucker's gonna shut the funk up. We are powder, bitch, we are tired, We want to go home. We want you to make it seconds, oh fifty seconds. No, I'm gonna keep a brief. I don't think so, honey. Fuck you judges. I know we said we were gonna have at it, and I will just share with you.

Matt texted me last night and I quote, it's hard because the crux of our entire show is the judging panel. And also, why was I the only fucking one who got called that? Joel's not talking for a just Pat Regan Michael Harney on Tech. This is Pat Reagan on Team Matt Team. His time starts new. I don't think so, honey. People who always come for Selina Gomez to just get the funk off of her job. She's like, not a

great singer. That's not her fucking job. She's fun and she's breathy, and she speaks sings and she has fun hair like I feel like she's being a fucking gambit. Medical Nightmare is like Captain Taylor Swift's fucking freezer, like Justin Bieber like, and people come for her like because she's not amazing, like it was Britney spears so fucking great at singing, at singing things, so honey, like we have seen Selena and the Pantine commercials. She found her voice.

And you know what, I fucking still to this day, to this moment, ship Selena and Justin, and I love that she's going back and I love that they went to church not once but twice together. And then she took Sunday off and had some coffee by herself. And guess what, like I think like she like took some time and was strong, and I think she was fun in her bed act and Saturday Night Live. That was fun to me. And I liked the men who snapped around her. And that's one at least her house is

on deck. But now please welcome my Michael, my heart to stitch. Here we go, Michael Hartney, Uh, your time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Having to consolidate my content, I don't think so, honey. Restaurants serve that little bottle of diet coke. We're gonna need a bigger boat bitch, I don't think so, honey. Bear face. That's that thing where gay men of size and hair make this face in the selfie. Oh that's what we need a Chelsea cub for your face to look rounder. I

don't think so, honey. The People's improv Theater, Honey, that place is like if a participation trophy had three stages and ten dollar beers. I don't think so, honey. And that my god, Michael Harty, I, oh my god, Michael Harney needing a real run for it in the finals. And now at least on come on this one. And this was my steel. I'm proud of stolen her. This is her time starting now. I don't think so, honey. When you're talking about nuclear war with your friends and

somebody says, um, I'd rather go out in the first blast. Okay, I hear you. I respect you. I will fucking eat you to survive. Do you understand I am not going down in this ship. I will be one of those fish that changes from male to female just to adapt to its situation. I'm gonna be fucking my melted ask is gonna survive this ship. You'll be talking to my

shadow in the ground don't you misunderstand me? Okay? And so I hope, I hope that you are okay with me taking your fillings out and using it as currency and the mad Max government to come because that ship is happening. I'm robbing you, I'm taking your clothes. You're dying. That's amazing. But I am fucking done with you. I do not think so, honey, and I'm done. Wos imagine this a show was pacing showing on Michelle Please welcome gret a title. There we go. Oh you know? Okay,

and this is credit time starting now. I don't think so, honey. Mandy Moore playing an old person on this is okay, bitch. That job should go to an old lady, not your dumbass and bad makeup. Okay. Also, you look like a fucking turtle. Do you want to know what make me? But made me feel uncomfortable? You dressed as a seventy five year old walking down the block with your adopted black son in a fedora. Okay, bitch, you are not old. You should not be playing old. You should be counting

your lucky fucking stars. And someone was like, maybe we should put Mandy Moore in this insane television show. So like, just be lucky, be blessed, bitch, okay, because I think the old person is just a bit of an ask that seconds. There we go. Peter Smith is onto unbelievable. And now please welcome Michelle. Michelle. Here we go. Bo time starts. Now I don't think so, honey. Drunk men who want to take their little dick's out and pain the fucking street, I know you have to go to

the bathroom. We all have to go to the motherfucking bathroom. Okay. Are you a dog? Are you an animal? Do you know how to go to the bathroom? Do you know how to use a toilet? Do you know how to ask if they have a toilet, then use a motherfucking toilets. Who are these drunk bitches taking their little fucking pick dicks out for everybody to see like it's fucking normal. What are you a human sprinkler? Not gotta breathe in

your urbin bacteria? No, motherfucker no, I'm just saying, if it's cool for dudes to whip their dick out and pee and relieve themselves, then women should have their tits out. No brawl, breast speeding, people, even if they don't have babies, bread speeding their dogs, doing whatever the funk they gotta do. Because if you're dick out is normal than my geiographic fucking brown titty the right ones bigger I call it,

John McCain. That ship should be out to out in the streets me squatting me pee and that's not a big deal either. Okay, fuck you. I don't think so, honey. When your small tick, but that's a twelve sackey. She took the time with the only people that didn't use their time. There you go. That's how that works on jac was sharp. But now please welcome Peter. No props need at this time, Peter Smith, your time starts now.

I don't think so, honey. Shrimp sometime in nighties something people said, oh, shrimp healthy seafood, biggest lie I ever told. Shrimp is not healthy. Shrimp is the ocean's vacuum. Do I want to deep throat my vacuum? No? If I wanted to put a bottom feer in my mouth, I would read download grinder, baby, And you're thinking, oh not, Peter, Peter. Protein see food is protein, know as protein, come as protein?

I want do I want to come on my salad. No, if I wanted to come all over my salad, I would read download grinder baby, and yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what else it's filled with, filled with carcinogens, unregulated waters people. If I wanted something that is cancerous, bad for me, yeah, turns pink when it gets hot, I would read download seeking Arrangement, And I get a seven to year old sugar daddy with heart disease and

lung cancer. And that's what I just want to stay really quickly more and Keuter show Sunday at am at Carolines on Broadway. Carolines Sense Peter ray Sony is on deck and now we have who would have helped and didn't see you? I don't think so, honey. Her time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Two pats of butter for a whole bread basket. What the funk are y'all doing? Do you seen me? Do you seen me? I am by myself. I'm asking if you have bread.

That means I'm gonna need butter. Don't give me this too. I don't know why you think I'm healthy. I'm by myself asking for brett. I got issues I need all the funny you have. What the funds are, Pat, that's not even in any kind of Betty Crocker book of measurement. I need more, butter. Don't make no decisions. Give me the salt and pepper two. I don't know what y'all doing back there. I know you ain't got no ghetto or are in salt, so I know it's not gonna

be enough. Give me salt, Give me butter. In fact, don't even bring your food. Why am I here because I don't feel like eating a rotisserie chicken from Cape Foods over my kitchen shink anymore. You don't bring me the goddamn butter. I don't think so. With these two little pats, she'll have a shot Shan the Calleri Sack. And now on deck is the call Silverberg. And up right now it's Ray Sunny. This is Ray Sanny's. I don't think so, honey. Her time starts now. I don't

think so, honey. My big black African lives being dry as fuck as soon as October, saying there's just so much surface area for wind. It's terrible, no matter how many times I stick my face into a rosebud tin I'm dry as ship like a crackhead before I get to fifty ninth Street. The ship sucks. I have plenty of other reasons to be dehydrated. I drink, I use adderall irresponsibly. I'm not sandas right now, but that's not fair that you see that ship before I get to

take it seconds. My parents came all the way from West Africa to America, work hard to get me into the best schools, and niggas couldn't find a good batch of Bird's beach. That's one minute. Dylan Marin is on deck, unvoiable? On deck is Dylan Marin? Up? Now is Nicole sillermon on team? Nicole? I don't think so, honey, Her time

starts now. I don't think so, honey. Special saw bitch your thousand Island dress, saying, okay, you show me one fucking special sauce isn't hinds and Hellman's mixed together with a little bit of yellow mustard. Okay, bitch, you put in a little bit of onions. Do you think that this would do well on a cooking show? You think that a chef would look at this and go, oh wow, Yes,

that's very special, very unique. Can you fucking imagine being the most pathetic bitch in the world, be like, oh my god, special sauce on a sandwich that looks amazing. I I wonder what it's gonna bring, literally to the table and then taking a bite and going wow, I have no idea what this is. Fuck you, fuck you special sauce. I don't think so, honey. Tell me if that was an island dressing, be real with me. This is okay, I don't And that's one minute, Nicole vital

person on deck tables only. But now please welcome Till and Mary and the Prince. Alright, his time starts now. I don't think so, honey. T S a pre check. Okay. It is the verified check, the elitist verified check of the skies. I don't think so, honey. Okay. I'm sitting in line with my little coach ticket, okay, because I don't have it together to get t S a pre check, and I'm jealous of all the people passing by. And you know what, today I went to JFK to get

t S a pre check. And you know what, Christina, my new friend, told me, of people get approved five percent. Don't why, I asked Christina, I don't know. Randomly people get turned away for t S A pre check. Also, you know those big X ray machines that pass over you for us people who don't have t S A pre check, The pump carcinogens into your body. So what is this the American healthcare system? Because the poor are getting sick? And that's one minute, very unbrands, very unbrand

for you. Gotta keep gotta stick to that brand. Oh but he doesn't. We're all a little smarter, but a little sadder. No, thank you, dad, We're the better Horry. And now we have Dave Mazzoni with a special surprise for Bowen. It is Bowen's birthday one, two three, Happy birthday to you, hippyirthday, happy and we love you, my best friend, rad Doll that you alright, Luca, bitch? Do you this is Dave Azzoni's I don't think so, honey. His time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Live photos?

What is this meaningless technology? Why do I need it? If I wanted to see myself, we will wobble in at the Dream Hotel trying to make myself look cute in five seconds for this photo, I would have flipped up in a Harry Potter newspaper and looked at my goblin ass. This is Harry Potter technology. It is unnecessary. So the other day it was the first for me. I received my first live dick pit. Anybody got one of these yet? So you press in hold and you

see that motherfucker squeezing and pulling it out on the toilet. Bitch. I see your prior moment, and I understand you, Queen. You cannot hide anything from me. I don't think so, honey. Live photos this technology, bitch, that's the same. There we go, do everything. Now, got the fun of this stage? Sunk off the stage. Oh my god. Now we have seen thirteen I don't think Johnny. Seven of them our team Bow and six of them are Team Mad. We are now going to go to the judges, who are clearly

deliberating and find out who the top three. I don't think think so, honey, yours are Now. First, we're gonna go to Tyler. We're gonna mix it up a little bit. Tyler, who have you selected to move on? And why I'm gonna bring back Annie Donalding Annie Final, who's spin in the face of the judges has been brought back by the judges. She is the she is in the finals, alright, to the finals. Alright. She was gonna be the bigger

person to pick Annie, but Tyler, you have it. No. I'm happy though that I didn't, because also like fuck her, you know what I mean. Now, I'm kidding, but I like I'm a I'm an adult, but you know what fun that? So no, I'm not picking Annie. Um, But don't come from me again, Annie, because i I'm sensitive on a cancer. Okay, another monologue, Adams, You're welcome. I'm gonna go with Dave Dame and Annie Donney and Dave Mazzoni both Team matt are in the finals. Joel, who

have you selected to compete in the finals. Wow, I didn't think about the teams when I was That's why you don't have to keep thinking about it. Um. So this person, if these two hags are the steamboat Willie who created the first the Originals, I believe this person is the lion king, the beauty and the beast who brought the form forward, who really made it his own, and I'm bringing back the ultimate Pat Regan. Well that

is that means that I have one culture war. Sorry day I want to give a fut of applause to all my fucking teammates. You guys turned to the suck out. I want to thank any troup. Will not not any over, Peter, specially with shirt Michael Hartney meats are too hard, Sad Tagger, great Titleman, and Dylan Maron. Now in the meantime, let's get Pat, Annie and Dave up here on the stage. All of you know this is too much. Waits, there's another there's another entrance. Oh my god, this is chaos iconic.

Al right, now, Anny, you, why don't you take center? And Pat, why don't you be stage right? We can figure this out right, all right. So now here's the way it's gonna work. Each judge has a troll bowl topic that is engineered to fuck you all up. You will have to I don't think so, honey, this topic. Now, Annie, you have already begun to stand center stage, So why don't you start? Joel can Booster it was gonna go second and Tyler Coates you are ready with your trothball topic.

I'm ready, all right. So by the time you say it, Bowen will hit the clock. All right, Dolly, pardon this is Annie Donney's I don't think so, honey. Trouble for Dolly pardon her time starts now. I don't think so. Dolly Parton's shaking those who has making all the girls feel less of a woman. Dolly. I have something for you. It's called as Honey, get some of that batch. But you are such a diva having your own Dollywood honey. And I like you're like a like a blue color

comedy tour guy. Like you're so obsessed with your brand, Dolly, Like seriously, and also I just have to say that you pander to white uh supremacist. I just have to say. I just have to say, boot scoot, boogie your way on back to the south pitch, and don't your trala law in the North, honey, because nobody wants your sequence and cowboy hats up here, honey, I'm not asking. Also, what the fund is? What the judges here? Honestly, seriously, I hope like Tyler Coats, I don't think so, honey,

who is that? I don't think so? You know what, that's one minute. You can't argue, you can't. All right, Dave take center stage. Shave takes center This is David Zoni's, I think, honey, fucking whole thing. Michelle picked Dave to Michelle will assign No, Joel is Joel is Michelley alright, good, I only want you to do this. That's actually I picked you already, all right, so let's give already. Oh god, I ruined. I actually didn't. I didn't hear better. Okay, I want you to do and I don't think so

honey on the view. Gells old employer Davil zonies Dave's I don't think so, honey on the view. Time starts now, I don't think so honey the view, So tell me the pitch, like, put me in the pitch meeting. So it's four girls and they kind of their friends, like their husbands work together, but like they all sit and they talk, and each one of them kind of has

like their own perspective, their own their own view. And I don't know, I just think it could be really great to like, like you know, talk about issues and sell products. And also we could bring on celebrity guests and they could sell products. Um, we could also have lots of commercials in between for different Clorox products. Clorox give us a hundred thousand dollars so we can set up a coffee table for Rose O'donald Wooby Goldberg and the rest of them to sit and chats. Honestly, the

gig I dreamed for gave you. Let's make it happen logo. Where are you put me on a couchs bitch? I want this gig. I deserved this gig. And that's one minute. He deserves this gig. That gig in particular, this David Zoni. Everybody wow, and finally we have this is the Lost Culture he says, I kind of would winner, and if he wins tonight, it just means we should never fucking ever have a contest again, because clearly there's already a

Lost Culture Icon Award. And all comes down to this moment, Joel pat I really thought, what would be the hardest one for you to do? What's outside your wheelhouse? What would be hard for the audience to get on board with? And I would like to hear and I don't think so, honey on Hillary Clinton. This is pattery again. I don't think so honey on Hillary Clinton. Time starts now. I don't think so honey, Hillary Clinton, like on no offense, but like zero start quality. I feel, where is the present?

Where is that pass? As? Like I don't know, go like get some camp, like I maybe would be in a different spot as like a country. I know that's not there, And like if she was a man would be be asking does she have presence? Honestly probably and I don't know, like for me, for me, for me, and like this is some coming from someone who really doesn't know how to engage with my hair, Like I just think, change your hair every once in a while, just for you, like have fun with it. And I'm

like wondering where is she? Where is she? Never? Like I want to see what she's doing. I want her to be like kind of publicly blogging and I don't I don't want to read what happens, but I do want to know, Like I look, she's like instructing us spins class somewhere, and I want to see that, you know what I mean. I just think she got a fresh start, and like I just think that she should be like fun or I don't think so, honey, Hill really climed ahead and that's one minute from cal Wow,

the judges deliberate. Now, I just want to say that every single person who's done, and I don't think so, Honey, tonight has been absolutely amazing. Give it up for everyone, everybody, everybody. The finalists are Dave Marazzoni, Pat Reagan, and Annie Donley. We want to thank our judges, Tyler Coat, Michelle Collins and Joel Kim Booster. Want to thank you guys all so much for coming. Yes, it appears that we have

arrived at a decision. Do we have a third place, second place, first place or do we have a first place winner? I think we have We're gonna do first place because you know what, it's fucking late, all right, Um, I mean, I'm not going to keep you guys into spense. I think the answer is clear. The winner, as always is Patrigan. Play the trap. If I dream, this is a make your speech, make your speech. I have very

little to say. I just want to say that awards are so silly, or it's are very silly, but thank you. This was too much fun. And I do identify as having bombed, but as identify as having bombed, And yet here he is the winner of the last culture it's just Icon Award for a second time and one dollar Venmo Prize a count but he's gonna he's gonna take that a long way. He well, he want to change my financialscape. Everyone, thank you so much for coming to coach you have a great night. Go see the rest

of the shows this week at the festival. Thank you to the New York Comedy Festival. Have a great now. This is so much filling, Pat take your moment. This has been a Forever Dog production executive produced by Brett Boham, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey. For more original podcasts, please visit Forever Dog Podcasts dot com and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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