"Barbar (Stupid Ass Queen)" (w/ Kristen Bartlett)

jam is calling. We're living in a nightmare. Huh, living in a fucking house game dark in the world. Oh my god. Today was one of the angriest days of my life. Yeah. I feel almost really insane, self conscious that we started off so like, whoa, it wasn't it bad? The only way we're all a laugh way from a tear. You guys were recording this on August fifteen, the day that Donald Trump thought, um that the Roberty Lee statue

should not have gone down. The term all left has been created, so um, let's let's check back in and about five years when we all are buried under rubble. I don't like that talk well. Okay, okay, okay, maybe this is something you can I don't think so, honey. Later I think maybe you're right. Maybe we just realized that I was just kicking around the fact, you know, kicking the dirt because I didn't have it. I don't think so. Now. And here's what we do. Here's what

we do in times of darkness. We bring on this is this is what we've done before. We bring in the light in. We pray in. We are praying here, and we bring in the light. The light is here to It's true in times of dark you need light. In fact, that's actually rule number three culture and times of dark you need light the open now, listen, we have the light here in the she's here. She's here, yes, okay, wait, hold on you what the hell? Literally as if as

if it's kidsman or something. The light's just turned off. Okay, so listen, who's this fiend? Whose voice you here in the back the credits? Okay, she's right for a little little diddy called Saturday Night Live, Little Saturday Night Live, Little Diddy cultural institution called Saturday Night Live. You know what you love it hopefully um. And also she's written for a Prairie Home companion. You've seen her work on

the amazing show Night Late at UCB. It's a monthly show that basically creates a new late night television show based around a different celebrity guest. It's super fun and actually I want to get into it with you a little bit about a certain guest I heard almost had a show there. You know, I have been getting into the Real Housewives of New York, so I'm down. And also used to be modernight writer for that for a

couple of years. Yeah. And also the amazing long running show critically acclaimed right yes, Dead Dad's Cloud that UCB, and it was an incredible show, and remember it fondly everyone. This is an amazing guest. I'm so excited. Please welcome Kristen Bartley and just slaying it in our live show as well. Yeah, so much fund thin people. Oh I

hate that worst. And and you instagrammed um a screen cap of your notes from the stuff that you didn't get to Oh my god, I write so much extra always, and then I didn't get to, like talk about being on an airplane. Oh yeah, because that's very stressful. Looks that the people people give you when you're walking down the aisle like, dear God, please not let this spatty like sit beside me. I know it's terrible. I just want to say, and this is not like me virtue signaling.

I've never had that thought, Like, that's what a shitty fucking thought. You are a virtue signal. I'm a virtue signal. You are a virtue signal. Des no one that I mean, like when when a mom comes through with a baby, I'm like, it's okay, yes, fine, really I am really because traveling sucks where everybody ultimately you're fine. It's like four hours maybe if you're going somewhere good. Wait, Christian's going somewhere good? Where are you going somewhere? You're going

to Belgium tomorrow? Tomorrow? I thought you were going to say something else. Wait, do you know what I thought you were going to say? Bitch, Wait what you would have I thought you would have said Disney World. That's so funny. No, we're probably gonna go in January, though you are, okay, I want to go, Please go Why January for you? For me? Jruary because it's it's like warm outside but it's not too hot, and that's what I care about. I want it as a big girl.

I want to be I want to traverse the world bar and wide comfortably. The lines are down. It's not bad. And one thing I just like to do. I like to chill at a like cheeseball hotel restaurant and drink for hours. I mean same. Okay, So listen, here's the thing about January and Orlando. How was Christmas? It's the rushes died down, but sometimes it can get truly cold. In fact, I just remember a time when my family went to Sea World and we were in the well. Literally.

First of all, I will say that this was this was far before the wolves came to get the really fun Chamu show. Okay, it was really fun and wove the whales trainer loved it. They loved it. Dawn loved it. She was so happy the nineties. They were so happy. Honestly, it was literally a nightmare. But okay, so I wasn't there for all that a queen a queen aqua marine.

I just literally made that into one word queen. Honestly, I probably did see tell them because we did see the sham before we knew that just pushed his park is out to see like that what happens. Let you know the whale, other whales eat it. That's the lot. Well, I went for the rides because they actually have really good rides. That's okay, but it is ridiculous. But look, Christen, you can't argue with it. They have good just a listeners know, Christian, here's a fellow Orlando head. She and

her husband Jason and Michael Hartney show. Yeah, we went to Disneyland. The whole cast of Dad's Club went to Disneyland together. And you've got to the World together, to World, not with Hartney but with Scott Reynolds. I will go with anyone because it's not a couple's vacation. You've got to go with people. Yes, we will know, but Kristen, Yeah, I mean Matt. Matt's kind of popped on board. I will go. Literally, I can't wait. I'm so excited we're planning this. Um I here's the thing. Like I was

into this, but not too crazy into it. And then Jason had never been to Year World because his parents were abusive and they took him to like Gettysburg, like they kind taking him to like educational battlefield. His whole childhood watching like an actor pretends to be like a Confederate soldier. That's what they did like all his life. And then finally I'm the one that took him to Disney World and he fell in love with it, and he likes it so much that I actually like it. Left.

You can't like, like he's always like on these sites and when you go to like it's fine, but it's like, come on, there's like a line. And also I love it. I love it, but I'm not going to youtubeer ride walk through. Oh my god. I was doing that literally yesterday all day for like three hours, just for the fans at home. I haven't left in my apartment. Um so, And I do want to say, the majority of the things I've watched in the last forty year, I was

a Real Housewives of New York. I can talk so in Paradise and ride through Disney Park, Disney Park attractions mostly in foreign kind trees that I'll never say that is truly like when we were planning on going to Paris, I had to cancel the trip because I had s n l um. But when we were going that was like just like a thing that he was just I know, it was devastating. It was we ate so much money, like it was like, but he was really pressuring me to go to your own Disney and I'm like, oh, like,

that's ridiculous to go to Paris and do that. But I guess it's fine because you're Disney's bullshit. No, apparently the Rata TWI right is supposed to be amazing, and I love rat I do love Well, you know that's coming to Epcot. Oh did you hear that announcement? I hadn't heard that you are not a diehard. Okay, maybe we should have booked Jason. So it's really jealous. He did give me a lot because he knows he crushed it too. He was like, really, he did amazing. Just

he got vegetables. He drew vegetables in se I pulled out of the ball, I saw vegetables and I was like, oh my god. It was mean and wonderful. No, my favorite thing is about Disney World, and I love going because I love the smell of Disney World. It never smells and it never smells like vomit like six flax smells like puke everywhere you go. Um, and I love like the apples. I love those chocolate caramel covered apples. So and I will put someone on blast. Timothy don

who came for us. He said, child adults at Disney World. I don't think so, honey. And he can actually, um go fuck himself to death because there's a lot to enjoy as an adult in Disney World then in Orlando at large. And there's a lot to hate about disney World when you have kids. I feel like it's hard when you have that. I'm not bringing my kids although no, but Tina Face says something fun because I think her

favorite place to Disneyland. She stop and then she said, um, disney World is her favor, was her favorite place to go on vacation because it's the only place you can go to when no one's like, why are you gonna bring your kid in here? Yeah, like everyone's on the thing and the kids were like, real, rich, you can just hire someone to like guide you and get you

one all the right right. Yes, okay, So that's my probable goal is to one day beat so rich that I can do like the v I P tours for like three a day on top of your ticket, which is like that. And here's the behind the scenes look at this Yeah, that's it. We got the behind the scene, behind the scenes like a Tower of Terror. We've talked about this a million times, but Matt, I have a question to ask you now that Kristen's brought this up

with Jason. Do you feel a little annoyed when I am very Disney and when I am a Disney stand. For me, it's like when other people get excited about it, that makes me more excited. And I felt that way about Michael Hartney. Michael Hartney is the reason that we went to Disney Well in the first place, because we were doing that Dad's Club at the time, and like every damn day he would have some sort of Disney

news and I got really excited. But there's something about seeing like your husband and like hoping what you hope look at right, there's something about it that you're just like, I don't care, but I hate Star Wars for one thing. I hate it. You hate stars. I don't need it. I didn't grow up with it. It's not my thing, And now when I see it, it's fine. I don't care. Is there a thing about it that you don't like or is it just that kind of you don't like space?

I think anyone who goes to I don't like the wild one deserves it. You don't like that? I agree? You know what I do like the wild west Ish? I like West world Ish. You know what I hate, um medieval anything medieval. It's why I can't watch Game of Thrones. I can't watch it either. I hate medieval anything. I always like someone's going to throw up blood. You're equating me. You're equating medieval with high fantasy too, right,

like see high fantasy. Here's the deal with high fantasy that that umbrella I think takes up more like Harry Potter is high fantasy. Okay, but Lord of the Rings you would never read. I would never be on bords. Yeah, it's so boring. And I watched the first movie and I was like, this is Ridiculous's boring? They are too. I'm so long, there's no reason for a ring. Why can you believe there's three movies and they're all eighteen hours long each. If you do not learn to can dance,

that's on you, Like that's on Tolkien. People have died watching those movies. Stop, but you can't. The The thing about Lord of the Rings is that they did not split the last installment into two, which is this new bullshit trend that everybody knows about. Of course, you got to respect that that they condensed it enough to keep it to three. It was still like three hours. It was.

It was the first one that is true. That is a thing I don't like, which is milking the money out of like cutting things into two when you don't really need to have the hobbit. I do think they I did not see any of that. There's no way that I would ever see you. No, Like it's not a thing, although I you know what literally almost made me go see it live Tyler No eventually the fact that eventually Lily was in it. That's so funny that

you literally knew, Like I was lost. I loved Lost until the end and ear until like honestly, like three quarters of the way. And when I get mad, when I feel like I'm being used, like it's one of the great tragedies of television. Absolutely, it was so interesting and exciting, and then you know, when you're just being hurt by these people and I can't when did you know? Yeah? God, I feel like when the Polar Bears just disappeared, like that was no longer a thing. Remember, I think for me,

For me, it retired. I didn't want it. For me. I was with it, or I was pretending to be with it through about season five and that there was an episode where they were time traveling throughout time in the same episode and then a character, um Charlotte, ends up dying because she tried and time travels too much.

And then that's when I realized, oh my god, yeah, I can't trailor like ten times every movie has flat liners, but the thing about and then we'll get the flatliners because there's a lot to unpak about flatliners and all these horror movie trailers that are coming out, especially Happy Death Day, which will this we'll talk about. Oh, we'll pitch it to you. We'll give you the elevator pitch, and we'll see if you're on board, because I might not be. Here's the thing we lost all of a sudden.

There were no rules, like, no rules anything. Once you have time travel and alternate timelines like and a mysterious island and like people are any age and a smoke muster, it's like, okay, So literally, if a character is dead, they are not dead and it doesn't matter. They didn't do not even if they didn't do a good job explaining it. They didn't do a job explaining it. You

know what's cool about it? This is the one thing that I liked about Lost in my short you know, and watching it and my short tenures spurts of watching it. The season three finale where the flashbacks at flash forwards and you realized at the end, I was like, that is genius. One of the best episodes of the show. Yea very early on. I mean, it was like an interesting, exciting show and then it went crazy and no need.

I sometimes tell people Everyone's like, should I watched Lost, And I'm like, yes, just stop at the season three finale. Pretend it ends on a cliffhanger. Literally, you can enjoy it like that. I feel the way that way about Hills, The Hills, The Hills when Lauren, which I just rewatched and it's entirety because thes ke is coming out and it made me want to Key has New Hills. It's a Florida The Hills on MTV version of The Hills in Florida's k why it is there's a Florida version

of it, but they're not characters yet. There's no Elsie like, so I went back and I went watched the Hills, and I feel like, when Lauren Conrad goes off, you can let it go. You know, it was in the audience, So I don't think so, honey, Lauren Conrad. No, our friends were I just treated about low and she shot up. She was there, she was there. You need to meet her. I need to meet her because it's so almost did one.

She almost. I shouldn't say she's our friend. She's um, a tailman who fucking slay killed it, killed it, her friends, her podcast co host, and um, we had a bunch of you know, dropouts the day of and it was kind of like a scramble and so beautifully Jason Gore your husband stepped in. Um. But also we asked Gret. We were like, woodlo, want to do one? And then she was like, and this might be too much tea,

that's being spilt. I think it's fine, at which point she was like she we asked her the day of, and of course everyone we asked the day of was like, UM, I don't know. That's a nerve recking experience. And I may and Jason, like, I told you guys that he was available, and then I texted. I was like, you're doing this and he was like, I don't have anything. I said, big out of the I love the way you said Kristen tell him to tell him to pick a topic, and she goes, he'll do the ball. I

love this. She just goes, he'll do the ball. I'm a manager. Okay, so wait quickly, let's get you up to speed. On Happy death Day. Okay, Happy death Day, I have the elevator. Imagine groundhog, groundhose Day, the Edge of Tomorrow, um, but it's about a teen girl who gets murdered and she has to relive the day that she dies and wake up. It's her birthday. It's her birthday. Every day she lives her birthday and at the end of the day when at her party, she gets murdered

by it by someone in a baby mask. So she has to figuret who is going to kill her? Right, So she wakes up the next day and she thinks it's a dream and she kind of like lives the day and she's like, I'm having crazy day and she realizes that she's living the same fucking day and then she gets killed again and it happens again and again. And again, so she's consciously living each day as if she's going to die. I kind of like, to be

honest with you, idea crazy genius concept. And also I don't usually like her movies, but I like that it's taking place in teen girl world, which I love, So that makes me get on board. Totally new actress too, right. I think I've seen her and stuff. She was in La La Land as one. I think in like a background part. Maybe she might have been one of her roommate roommates barely seen. Jessica Roth is her name r

O T h E. She's been and stuff. She's good, and I think it's just a nice high concept thing and come out probably Halloween. I feel like movie trailers are happening way early because I saw a Girl's Trip trailer in February and I got excited, really yeah, before I get out. It's that kind of wrong, kind of wrong get out came out and like what may April? I mean, I can totally see why. It's largely probably the same April. It felt cold outside, it was February.

I wasn't though, can we look it up? I read today that Girl's Trip just past hundred mill at the past seen it. It's so much fun. It was so I really liked it. I think that there will be there will be a sequel that is much higher budget. Yes, because the budget on this movie all went to we talked about some live episode, all went to Jada's salary that was clear so funny. Also, I'm sure Queen Latifa,

she's such a hero. I thought it was so funny and so full of heart, and like the moments, that's a movie to see in the theater, and the moments are so freaking like laugh out loud funny. There were a few times when Bone and I looked at each other like what the fun is going? Like this like when Tiffany I thought this with Harney had the buzz, but the zip line piss thing, Like when I was like what is I was like, what's happening? It's like water blooms being first and the second person piece for

no reason. Yeah, it's like, okay, not right a movie, you gotta put it in there. But as soon as you realize, okay, it's a goofy movie, like it's kind of elastic, then then then it's great. And also I loved that, like Sketchy Naked guy. Early on, there was hot guys. That a lot of hot guys. That one was that one, that guy who like waves his peen in the window. Oh yeah, no, no, no, he was horrifying. That was not hot. People were screaming and that was crazy. Yeah,

it was why we were like, oh my god. And everyone in the movie, all the characters were like this And that's the thing. I loved this impression. Um, have you seen We talked about this to the live show too. Have you seen kidnap yet? You must go? You got the wrong kid? I know that, you kid, which is like they really did. No, but Christine, you see it. They picked the wrong one because not every mother is physically capable of doing what does She truly showed them

that they picked the wrong kid. They picked another kid. They might have gotten away with it. Probably they would have. That's hilarious. Probably they would have because halle Berry there's something special about her. I don't know, she was able to get them. Also, talk about two real trumps that kidnapped the kid. Of course they come out looking like true bucking rash. Like the screenwriters in the director was like, Yeah, we're gonna make some really real trumps. I think the

movie was shot in or something. Right. Yeah, it's like shot like literally a ninety years ago. Um, Christian, we're finally going to ask you what we ask all of our guests. Yeah, twenty minutes and twenty minutes in. Um, what is the culture that made you think culture is? For me? A young Christian? Okay, So I feel like this is very very early, and I don't know if you guys want to did you guys have the Elephant Show? Okay, describe it? Okay, there's this show on Wait, Wait Things one. Okay,

I really Barbara whatever, BARBARU love elephants? That's how that sound? Dumb queen who can't say Barbara? You sound like a dumb queen who can't even say Barbara. It was the Elephant Show on Nickelodeon. Yes, I remember the Elephant Show, which was like a live action Sharon Lewis and Bram like in Canada. People worshiped them, Yeah, and I worshiped them here and then at the same time, also there was a show called Dumbo Circus, which was a live

action on Disney Channel. UM, live action Dumbbo and there was like a big big dumbos just went off again. I just went off again. This has never happened. It's so late. It's late. Um yeah, I'm so excited. But this was like eight nine, so yeah, but no, but I think the Elephant Show like went into at least it just I mean as a kid growing up, it just like I just watched it back to back. It must have been syndicated on yeah whatever for life, for life. Um yeah. So those are the two things that really

got me. And I remember going I when I had to go to kindergarten because this was pre kindergarten. It's like a little Biebo. And when I went to kindergarten, I was so stressed. I would make my mom tape it. She would have to record it on the VCR so that when I got home I could watch The Elephant Show and Dumbo Circus. And one day kindergarten I cried and the teacher was like, why are you crying? I was like, I was just really worried that the VCR

I wasn't going to record it. I cared about TV so early, and I know that my parents like that's so bad, but I like, I loved that I Love the Monkeys, which was in reruns. I had a crush on Davy Jones, probably like thirty at the time, and I had a crush on his child version. My mom loves him. She had a picture of David Jones I love. Yeah. My sister had a had a monkey's phase, and I was like, this is from a century ago, it is I had. I was so horny for him and I

was only five. But there was definitely a thing of like at the time, I think we were all were younger, Like there was a lot of that kind of nineteen seventies and nineteen eighties, nineteen sixties, like television on and readily available, and you know what fucking kills me that no one knows about, Like there's no way to kill in Island now. No one knows about I love Lucy, none of none of these young girls coming up girls, young young girl not know. I don't even know about

Lucill Ball. Also, one thing that I love is that Jason's Jason is older than me by five years. Ha ha. But hello, go daddy, listen to a little bit of a still good Daddy seven next tive. No, but Jason was poor. Okay, we didn't say that. You said that. We didn't say that. You can't Barbara you shut dumb stupid Queen comes to the comes to the Barbara Streis and contract saying, I'm saying Barber strives. That's how he is an idiot, that's he is. You can't say it

right now. Jason does very well. He's doing great. Say it right now, say Barbara Streis in barbar strikes bird. That wasn't it? We need to get back on track. Oh my god, Tom Queen his little sister. He has a little sister, so he knows all about the dumb ship that I grew up. Which I think it's very important because I like to be able to say like, because I feel like you have like these weird flashes of something weird that you watched and you have to find out what it is, and he has like a

good knowledge of it. How young is his sister She is maybe twenty six, so he was able to re experience all of those things he was she was he was twelve years old when she was a baby, so he really like and he was like a good older brother who hung out with his little sister and took care of her. So like he's he's got all of these dumb things and he remembers them. I think it's I remember, like when I was in London, people loved

me because people in London I love that girls. And I really did very well there in college and I remember like going on on dates with guys and we had a totally different like understanding of culture and knowledge and like shows, and I hated it. I was I couldn't get on board. I don't want to get to know your stuff because your love languages, pop culture and culture one hund like I do you have to know

what I know you know? And like I have these like weird visions of like in Dumbo Circus, there's this one scene. I know you have no idea what this is, but I have no idea. No, I don't describe it because I want to. I want to, like this one scene where they fly over a desert that's made of ice cream. Live action. It's live action and sports. I don't believe it is. I swear there's a computer in your back. It's real and I haven't seen it since

I was a little kids, so maybe it is. But I think it is live actually because I think it was like a soft out of it. I would be curious as to how they pulled off a desert made out of ice cream. It was like round puppety ice cream. Like I felt about this. This is a question. Hold on, I want to ask an actual question. Okay, that's an

actual question. I think there is something, there's something really real to this thing that Christian is talking about, like these visions, these flashbacks to like kids, just random ask kids stuff that you would watch. Um, did you you watch Pingu either? If you watch ands but I know it is, yeah, but they do have like visions of it, have visions of it, And I just have visions of just just yeah, like being like not going to school because I was second just staying and watching that because

you know, we didn't have cable. Yeah, and Bob Ross and Ship came out all the time. Loved Bob Ros. Bob Ross was on. Also, you know what is a show that I literally remember, like Gala Gla Island. I don't remember a single thing about that one. Bart went contact and Ghostwriter we on PBS two. Ghostwriter just talking

to someone un grinder to take Why would you? That was their user name and my user name right now is I think like dumbfat baby because that's like a holdover from the conversation starter brand and um, this person was asking me what the name was and I was like, oh, it's just like a It's like an old user name that you should have been, like Google Gaga. Yeah, I should have Barbar And then and then his user name was ghost right, and I was like, what's the meaning

behind your name? And he said the show And I don't think I ever watched it again. It's one of those things where it's like I could not tell you anything about basically a ghost that gave these crime fighting kids information by writing on computer right right right, ghost right. It's been safe. It feels like it doesn't have a lot of legs, like it went on for a while, and I certainly wanted today. I love that scene from Freaks and Geeks where the kid goes home and eats

like food in front of his TV show. Do you know that scene? Yes, I in the pilot. I think it is. It's early on. Um. I love that scene so much and I relate to it so much because I was a latch key kid. I was a poor kid, and I would come home from like school, walk home from school, open up the door, make myself a big snack and watch like Oprah were the snacks and thank god, thank god, you know what I loved, Hey Gray Farms,

beef sticks. Fucking love beef sticks. I I still funk with bagel bites and that was my snack of snack of choice growing up. A dozen bagel bites on a plate, and they were sogging wet because I've only or like a piece of white bread with a piece of cheese on it. No, I ask you this, ask you this, Okay, did your parents ever put juice in those little canisters in the freezer and make a juice pop? Yeah, of course, love yeah, but not like canisters like a little popsicle.

We had all of the dumb bullshit plastic stuff that would make nonsense. But yeah, we did do that to you. It's insane how much juice and soda I drink as a child. I look back and I'm like, the nineties were a fucking crazy, cracked out time. I would beat in the basement in my house watching Nickelodeon, running around in circles because I was so hyped up on soda

because it was in the house every day. I probably drank a liter of it every day, a kidding, just running around like I remember the first time I ever saw the Backstreet Boys on television. I just didn't know what I was feeling, like rubbing my dick on the ground and like running around being like like I'm not understanding sugar. Yes, every show was the best show, led it to the Hidden Temple, best show, their best show,

like do you have it guts? Best show, and I was just like yes, yes, And I was just so excited to see other kids run around, Oh my God, and I love that always. The trip would be like all of these shows happened in Orlando, like yes, oh my God, filmed live at Universal Studios, Florida, and I would come. I would come as a child, I would say, I would see the group the group fountain. Now I would come we No, I'd be a little kids having soda and coming because Back she Boys performed live in

front of a goop fountain. No, not to this day. I did when with New Kids on the Block. No, No, this was I feel like, oh my god, I'm lying to you guys, but I feel like someone like Cisco Level open no dream Dream open um, you get it. He was men, He's getting, he's gonna he loves me. None of those that saw them. I was more of an InSync fan. I saw them a bunch. Yes they

were better. I loved them so much. But I won free tickets to Back To Boys because my dad there was this contest to the Backstreet Dad's contests at the mall, at the Ashball Mall, and I knew that my dad was such a hand and was like I knew if I got him in that contest, I would win because he was such a performer and like an inside performer. And so we dressed him up and he didn't and he got it done. You dress him up as an in sync or um, No, this was actual boy. He was.

My dad was Howard, So he was Howie be and like he really went for it and to such a degree that he was the clip of like it went out on the ap and it was like the ESPN clip of the day. They would play him on the hour services he was all over. He went on the apes. Back in the day. This was news. This was the bright, shining news that could happen on the local news. And we went to see the Bactor Boys. And that's where I saw my first dick because yes, because on our

way it was me and three of the girls. The sky was driving beside us and he saw a bunch of girls and he lifted He was masturbating and driving, and he lifted up his dick. We all screamed, bloody murder. But it was fine. Girls trip, that's literally what and it was fine. I was not hurt by it. I think still we can't speak for the other girls. We have to find them with their stories. I think it was funny and they're fine. Stick through a window, dick

through a window. Um okay, so on my way here, um pal the show Brandon's Cat Jones, two time cancelor of the Live Show. Cancelor showed me videos of boy band. I'm just getting okay. I think it's fine. I'm on board. I almost tried to watch it the other day because I finished and then I was looking. I watched one episode and thing that I think is so funny. It's at the very end of it they say the boy who is going home or the boy who didn't do a good job today, the boy and I laughed so hard,

the boy, the boy who disappointed us. It's so Harry Pottery. I mean, I think nineteen is the oldest and the youngest Okay, probably you don't even know what their dicks are doing yet. Well if if if no one's hat to me, they're probably looking down at their own dick. Like what I mean, if there were anything like you growing up looking watching the Backstreet boys rubbing rubbing around the rug juice juice in comming soda, I want to see a messy hot producer, Joe, can we get away

with calling this episode juice? And I'm so it's really soda? Soda? Now we should call it. We should call it rub the rug, rubbed the rug. Now, there's literally a podcast called Comtown. I think we're fine. Well, that's probably a dumb podcast. What is that? I know, I'm sure it's great. I'm sure Cometown. We don't have to talk about Calmtown. It's called Calmtown. Calmtown. HPJ has heard of it. What's it about? I don't know. I you know what I I just scroll through and I look at the titles.

I'm like, oh, that's a good title. That's a good title. Look, I'm hoping justin I like, now, um, before I teased that Kristen as one of the writers of Nightly, that UCB might have had a little bit of an exchange or running with a certain celebrity who was going to do the show and that disappeared from the schedule. She absolutely did. She canceled a week before. Now I recently got into the Real Housewives of New York. Can we confirm that this person was the Countess herself, Countess Luanne

former Accountess, now the former Lune Augustino. I guess she's back to Luene de Lisps. Know she lost her title and the husband. That's sad, but she will never lose her music. Now, you know what. I'm watching the show now and I'm not into the Countess. Do you watch the show? I do. I watched all of them, the only ones I don't want her like Dallas and her Dallas sucks. I don't need to see if anyone's like clearly not rich. I don't care. It's like I don't.

That makes me feel sad and like you're putting your life out there in a way that you can never take back. But if there are Bridge Parson, you're fine. You're protected by your money no matter what. Yeah. No, I do watch UM and I you like lue Anne Um because I think like she is a very charming figure. Um, but my favorite person. I mean, I do like Bethany, I do like Carol. I love Carol. I don't like Ramona. She is much. She's a lot. Um. Did you watch Aviva, She's the one who threw a leg off? No, I

haven't seen Aviva. Okay, So I have to tell you I've only watched in season seven and full because I was told that I needed to because I was going to get into it. But I didn't want to start with season one because by god, that's a lot you don't need to be on board for that. I was told start with season seven, the return of Bethany, and then just catch up to where we are now. So right today, I started season eight because I did all

of season seven. I just watched all three reunion episodes today, so I've literally watched so much for the Housewives, and I have to tell you my reactions are well, I guess I won't even talk about Heather and Kristen because Heather was literally too much and Kristen, truly who can person? Was the worst? She was the worst and should nail polish? That was all I remember. She also had the worst catchphrase of all time? What was it was it pretty is smarter than you think, which is so bad. You're

not smart. If you say that you're not smart, so bad. But I do think in my heart of hearts, I probably am Sonia where it's horrifying, isn't it? You don't like no, I do. I have some gass froth the mic about the listeners. Let's do on the mics about what went down with Luanne with the UCB night Later. What can you say? This is what I can say,

and I can say it all. I think I met Luanne at a party at Difficult People's party last year, and yes, and you were Christina wasn't Difficult people same time? Oh yeah, that's another another credit. I don't remember things that I've done, but that was the thing that I did. And um, so I was at this party and one of the great things about writing for Night Late is that you could always like talk to famous people by saying, oh, come on do our show, and they would always be

excited and receptive about this opportunity. And so so we were at this party, already having a great time, already a little drunk, and then I saw lou and I was like, I'm in doctor Luen and Tom was there. This is early in and they weren't even engaged yet, and I like said him. I knew she did improv because she did improv at the pit. We wand the pit we did a class. I think they probably clips online. She did improv class. It was maybe something she wanted

to be her story that never made. But she there are people at the pit of all the classes she signed up for the bit I don't know, good for the pit. That's that's the Pit's biggest credit nowadays. Stop sorry to shade the pit, but not for nothing. She took a class the Pit, and so I knew that she already liked improvince and then I was like, okay, um, well I'm at u c B and I we have the show. And she immediately she was like, I've always

wanted to do UCB. So she did that, and she wanted to break in at the US, which is every other everyone happens to, everyone happens to so many UM certainly be and so she wanted to do things you CV and I was like, oh, this class are the show, Like we just invite someone your whole late night show. She was super jazz and so then we proceeded to email back and forth a little bit. Uh you and her My god, me and Luanne and you were the

reason for this connection. It was totally I met her, I invited and so that we kept talking and I let Eric Cunningham, who created the show about it, and Lauren Mandel, who is a producer. They know about it, and they were very excited and we were kind of open to whatever Luanne wanted. And then last winter she was like, well, you know, I'm getting married and so um this is I'm going to be busy for these dates, but why don't we have this meeting and then we

can do the show in February I think. And we were thrilled, and so I, you know, I was working, I had a day off on Friday. I made sure to schedule it when we had hiatus, and we did this meeting and she told us her life story, which

is so great. She asked, she's basically like Forrest Gump, for like love like she like And I said that to her, which was like, she like dates people in very glamorous, interesting situations, and she like sort of like falls in love with different people and then she goes

wherever she's going to go. So she started as a nurse, and you know, I was dating as a nurse, and she left that life behind, Like I think the person that she was with encouraged her to move on, and she went to and Eli and hooked up with another guy and then became, like she says, the van of White of Italy. She's like a game show person. And then she came back. It was like a really interesting story.

And because when she was in February, we were thinking about making it be like about love and about finding love in a later time if your life such an entertaining conversation, and then she kept emailing and then and uh, a week before maybe two weeks. It was very early she could no longer do the show because of a trip. Because of the trip and the trips that she went on to did they go to Mexico? Oh, so we knew that the trip was coming. But on the show.

The thing that's kind of interesting is that like at one point Beth then he thinks that she's going to be coming later with Ramona, and then suddenly lu And says that she's coming early. And so I think that that may have been like the reason she was maybe either going to push it off for then she realized that she didn't want to travel with Ramona, and she came early, but she canceled the show, which was funny. I mean maybe a little devastating. I don't bother me.

I don't know why I was funny. What what was she? What was she wanting the show to be? Because you know, you have like nightly, like you have a theme of a concept, you have like comedic ideas, can you share some inside and really all about love like she wanted she was going to cook excel at Frances France whatever she was going to make it on stage or like have like a game show where like guys would compete to make the best eggs all friends say which and also the way that she said it, it was just

basically scrambled eggs with tomatoes. I die, I die for it. Um So, so it was just about like love, like really about love at a later age, and it didn't happen. And I was very busy and it didn't matter to me personally because I was exhausted, but I'm sure it was debstating to other people and it certainly sucked for USB, but she kept emailing. I think she felt guilty, and so she would periodically invite me and Lauren out to events,

and we didn't go because I always had work. But I'm going to follow up now, I'm going to check in out. I'm gonna give her her space because she's just gone through this divorce. She certainly is going through it right now. I started to reach out. She had a gorgeous ring. The ring was enormous. Okay, I don't watch any of that. I'm sure she's very personable and lovely in person, but and she's very charismatic. Obviously, she's so funny that when she was falling into the bushes

like that made me love her against all odds. The woman's a star. But the thing is, though, anti to difficult people, she causes trouble constantly, and I think that is crazy. She's always coming in and saying like, oh, this is insane. What what that person was saying about you outside? And they're like what, and they go, I don't know, we should bring it over, Ramona, And then she'll call it over. What were you saying about Sonya?

And then it will become a thing, and it's just it's so well, I mean, I guess that means we're a good cast member and part of that. Yeah, there you go, that's why she But that's probably I mean, they're smart about that. People who are still there. I feel like when you get someone in their first or second season, they're like a dear in headlights and they don't know what's happening. They're gone and then they're gone. But that they get it at this point, I mean,

lun spend the shows a long. Ramona has been on the shows along Bethany. They all know what they're doing. Yeah, and you know who I live for? Do you watch it at all? At all? You need to watch it, and I think you'd be as obsessive. Mate. Do you know who I live for? Tinsley? No? I don't. Haven't gotten to Tinsley yet. Oh my god. Yes, remember I've only seen season seven. Dorinda's diste. First of all, her name is Doreanda, of course she I've heard legend and

her catisan Susan. Seven is I give Uptown a whole new attitude. And I don't know what that means, but yet it is what. I give Uptown a whole new attitude. Not clear as to what the attitude was of Uptown prior to Dorinda, but she gave it a new attitude, and I'll tell you what it is. It is drunk and righteous. But I live for her. I live for her because she when she gets mad, gets truly mad

in a way that's not fake for the cameras. Like sometimes when Bethany gets upset, it's like, Okay, fuck you, You're like definitely performing right now, like definitely cut in that check. Dorinda is like, you can go fuck yourself, and anything you can say to me, you can say to your own fucking asshole. How about that fucking bitch she's like going in She has Jersey energy. Yeah, it's

such a crazy you know what. That's why identify with It's because she I'm Long Island and she's got this Jersey energy, because I believe that I give Long Island attitude. She's fantastic. I think of all of them, she and Carol are the ones that I think I would be normal friends with Carol friends. I can't believe she's on the show. So Carol, Carol Radziwill. She's like in any winning Peabody Award winning journalist who was like on the ground in Afghanistan and Iraq, like during the first time

she's like lost her husband I think to cancer. Yes, and then she was friends with Carol Kennedy, best friends with Caroline Bassette Kennedy and close friends with jfk Jr. Have her on the show, I'd love to watch her. But she's so normal. But that's the thing is, it's like she's not a real housewife. She's not like a

She always a grounding force. They'll say something insane and she'll say, I think she's an entry way, Like you do need your entry I I think this is true, Like her talking kids are very essential because like you need someone that's on earth to be on that show. I need the thinking man's housewife. And it sounds like that's Carol. Yes, and but but it's just shocking to me that someone of her stature would do it. And

we were rewarded, but do it. But I guess they must be paying her, Oh sure, crazy because she's been on the show. I guess for what four years. I think it's like decent money, Like it's a decent I had a friend who did the Singles Project. It was for one season. My friend Joe Healey, who was wonderful.

He has an eyebrow studio. Um, he did this show on Bravo, like the same people are producing it, where like they would send these guys out on different dates and you could vote on them, and then then next week you would see the god on a date another day or a different date. And the thing about it is is like, I mean, that was like a decent money,

decent like whatever. When he told me that he was going to do it, I was like, do not do this because I knew, like it's like the shady stuff that you say, like people on TV are going to see your people. An audience is going to see that and think that you're just mean. You know, they won't have context for your just being a snot that I love. And he still did it, and of course he was the villain. But the nice thing about that show is that you could see yourself and so he was able

to read whatever. Oh so he could like watch himself back well he week, he could see the way trade and like play into that exactly. And those guys on Real House ives those first seasons they do not like the first season, they do not get that chance. You know, whenever a show is not as popular in the beginning, like you get That's why some people ache for the old seasons of RuPaul's Drag Race, because now everyone's always like, well, they're so aware of the camera, they're so aware of

what their narrative arc is coming in. They try to manipulate their own arm and it makes for bad television. You don't get the kind of thing. You don't get the kind of raw natural stuff that you would get from people that weren't as aware of the cameras. So the difference between wanting fame versus like wanting to you know, like wanting to be an artist or wanting to be on the show that you're on. Um. So the other night I was watching Last night, I was watching Bachelor

in Paradise. Okay, I'm fully in Bachelor Nation now and it's and it makes me so sick to my stomach, Kristin, but I am and I like part of the I can't stop. So after that show, I watched in the Gong Show and I've seen insane. It's fully insane. And I saw a friend of mine from college on the show and then I texted, didn't I text you about it? I was like, I message feeling about it, and he goes, well, I guess a lot of us end up on game

shows which we know something about, don't we. Christals absolutely put this together. We're both millionaire alone. It's so funny. It's such a funny thing. Yeah, and we both have met Chris Harrison, haven't we? We have. When I met Chris Harrison, I like, so I was on two episodes. You were much more of a hit with him than I was. I did get him, I will tell you this.

And the thing about those shows is that you have to have your sappy story because if you have like a story, they freak and fall in love with you. And I think it's such a funny thing. And I had my story, which was my dad and dad blah blah blah, I have talked on a million times. But my mom and my dad had always planned on like traveling the world together, and then when he retired, and then that didn't get to happen. So I was going to use this money to take her on a trip.

So the audience loved it. They loved it so much, and he loved it too, because he's just trying to make good TV. So I really did hit it off with him. And when I when the cameras got on me, I turned into this insane, like show biz nut, Like I was basically fine, and it was like I was like kind of calmon whatever, and then sudden it was like my accent I'm from working on It was like a full force. It was like okay, Honney, well this

is what I say. And it was insanity and I went crazy and I had a Disney question in there too, which Jason so the reason that we did this, and I didn't want to do it because I kind of like to control like how I appear in the world, and I didn't want to do Yeah, I didn't want to do a game show because I don't know a lot of things, and I do know a lot about a little and if I got like a crush about Kracka Bereal, I could be like, this is what it is.

But if I got a question about like anything that happens in the Middle East, then I would be like, no, I'm sorry, I'm a dummy. And I just spent a lot of money on a prop classes but thankfully so we Jason I went to take the test because he's very good at trivia, and I encouraged him to do it, and he was like will you come do it with me? And I passed and he did not pass. I know he believes. He believes very strongly because Alex French told him.

Alex French was taking the test at the same time, I heard that if you do too well on the test, and they did not think you see. I actually had a conversation with the producers about this and they said this is They would have no reason why to me, they said, absolutely, this is not true. I'm also going to put my friend that came with me on blast. Sudi Green did not passed the test either. She did

not pass. And it was so funny because it was so funny because we did the show and then she came on the show as my plus one and we had this whole like fucking routine moment where we walk and walk and just like did this like insane routine and then got a question right and jump for joy and like they loved her on camera, so they came. The producers came over to us after and they were like, Sudi, do you want to take the test because we never do this, but you were so great, we'd love to

have you on. She was like, I don't know, with work like I don't know, and she was, you know what, Yeah, I'll take the test, and she was she's going to be mad a little bit, a little bit, a little bit. Her energy was like, oh no, I'm gonna pass this test. And then they're gonna like, I'm gonna come back. And they came back and said, Suti, we're sorry you didn't pass the test, and she was like what. And then we left and we got so fucking wasted on bloody

Marys and now she can't drink bloody mirrors anymore. I was that bad bloody That same thing happened, which is so shitty because I make such a good one. You do. That same thing happened to Jason and he didn't pass the test and shold him and so he walked away like, well, that's what happened. I was smarter than I was, too good.

And then he had to go at the A b C studios had to go wait for me, And so I kept going to the next level, like I had to meet the producers past that, and then I had to an on camera audition, and they just want you to be cute and stupid, and so I went and I did the show, and I was cute and stupid stupid, And then there was a Disney question that I was like half on the fence about, which was this um Disney World ride has X Y Z animated characters and at the end of it there is a key. Um,

a dog has a key in its mouth. Great, so I so some of the examples were Small World and Pirates, and I felt pretty sure that it was Pirates, but it was that LIMIT didn't know this. Okay, well you know that Jason's more into this than me. But here's the thing. I was like, I feel pretty good about it, and you're also so hopped up on adrenaline and insanity, you you're out of your brain. I was fully like a total different person on the show and like completely

out of myself. So I called Jason is my plus one, and so he had this big moment and when the lights came on, he did this face like, oh, it's me, and so then he came running down and then we were real cute together, and then Jason of course had the answer right, so he felt like a fucking king, and then we kids on caramel. Everyone screamed it was crazy, and then yeah, I ended up grand it was deep.

I was so, and I actually messaged you before and I was like any advice, and you gave me advice and I was like, literally, my goal is twenty grand I got to question narrative down to two and I guess the wrong one. It was so devastating, it really was. I got the hell out as soon as I got a question that required like actual knowledge of history. It was about a waltz by Strauss. I was like, goodbye,

was spelling question? It was fucking crazy? Also it was um, but it was it was a really fucked up way to ask ask that question. It was like, um, what is the correct spelling of the protagonist of a Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens? And I thought, But when the question came up, I was like, okay, well they didn't say the name ebenez were in the question? Is there's

going to be more than one name up there? They gave four different spellings of Ebenezer, and I believe I'm repeating myself with the story on the podcast, so I don't care about it. But but anyway, like it was e b E and easy er and e b E and e e z e R. That's the one, right, It is the one, but you know you and it was one of those It was one of those things where it leaves your mouth and you're like, that's wrong, but I'm still doing it, like and I just it's

so hard. It was so fully out of your body and this. I did the second episode with him, and at that point we had become friends, and I hugged him and they had to stop the frame like we went in, like I came out. Yeah, so I came out and Chris Harrison held up his arms for hug and I was like, oh, we're friends now. He was like, yeah, it was funny because it just happened, and also I'm

gonna go back to that. But I hugged him and my gout laughed my face and went I sweated my nag up off onto him and they had to stop it, and I like me, I immediately said, oh, I bet none of the Bachelor's has ever sweated her face off onto you. And I was like, that's never happened. You're right, that's cute. One thing they did was like they put us in game show jail, like what because it was

they did the same thing to us. Sucks. It was like one episode before lunch and one after lunch, and so they held us like in a small room besides each other. We weren't allowed to talk, and so I ended up doing like the knock like the dad and Jason did it, and then we just laughed really really really really hard for a very long time that we were doing this. It's the dumbest thing today. It was

so insane. Also, I will say I am now that I'm in Bachelor Nation and now that I love all right the things that they do to them, I'm so gagged that I met Chris Harrison and I just treated him like a person standing in front of me. Not that I think he literally does anything special literally at all. Um, I don't him because I do think that he doesn't do anything um on the show. But he truly didn't like me. How do you know? Because I messed up

an entrance. I messed up an entrance when I was coming from Yeah, and he you can there's it's on YouTube like maybe i'll post it later, And I was like, you know what this is. But when I when he shook my hand, um, after I had messed up the entrance, when I did my real entrance, he trump handshaked me. It was like he took my hand and pulled me in and it was like it was crazy. And you can see on my face when I when I come around to the podium that I'm like not feeling it.

It was it was it was weird. That is so he struck me as someone that's straight, doesn't doesn't Did you have this dream? I mean, did you have a producer assigned to you as well? Wasn't that weird? Like no, I loved him, like and it was weird, But you become your best friend and then that's what they're doing to the bat threats yeah, and actually I I that's what they're doing. So I mentioned this. I mentioned it

was while I was watching Unreal. Yeah, and I mentioned that show to the producers of that show and they just were like, don't talk about that show. Yes, it is so real like that. Mine was very nice, but she acted like an insane best friend, like you feel like after this meeting, we're going to hang out for the rest of our on Facebook, because I did and he did not respond. I didn't do that, but I

get it because I do act like your friend. And then at one point what I had to do was right before we went on like she was like too much in my face, and I was like, you know what, I just need to go off on my for like a couple of minutes. Like I totally got this because they're assigned to people to make them not freak out, but we don't need that. We're not going to freak out. This intense friend in your face that I couldn't handle. For me, I actually was a kind of crazy. I

don't know. I don't know why. I don't know why, but it did make me really nervous, and I when I watched it back, I kind of disappointed in myself because on the episode, not for how I did. I just went into my shell in a very um like high school uh like a like I butched up in a way that like that. I look at myself doing that episode and I'm like, wow, that is not and I just I just like I was watching it and I was like, that's I can see myself like like

going into my shell. There it's your face, like like I went into my like Poladene type person. It's like your face to make people love you. Yeah. I just I don't know. Maybe I thought that would be that would make me cooler to like the audience, don't. It didn't distract me while I was playing. What distracted me was how insane the experience was. But we also were doing it. We also were doing it in Vegas, and

you guys shot. We went out to Vegas. The only other studio was the People's Court, and we wanted to go there. Is so bad, but yeah, we weren't in Vegas. In Vegas is cool though, I mean, it's cool that

you went to Vegas. It was awesome, It was so fun and thank god we They asked to block off two days and we ended up shooting on the first day, so it wasn't like a big hang out the next Yeah, but we hung out the whole day and that's when study became bloody Mary intolerant man I didn't know about okay. So we basically we were at the pool with the Mandalaid Bay all day because we had the whole day off and I had just won five thousand dollars, so it was kind of like the trip was fully free.

So we're just kind of like living at the pool, like drinking all day. Sudie and I like we hadn't really gotten to spend a lot of time together because she had so been so busy with work. Um, so it was like this vacation that we had never tooken, tooken that we had never taken together. Barbar, you're a barbar. You're a stupid literally, you're so stupid and you are such a dumb queer and you can't even say Barbara streisand who is an icon and you should be revering

and you can't even say it. Don't even talk to me ever again. So anyway, I was at the pool with my best friend and drinking and that it was that situation where you where you're like, you're so you're drunk and you're outside and you're in the water and you think one more and and the one more that you choose after like fucking tonics and is a bloody Mary. And we had tickets to see Zoomanity, which is like a sexy, sexy show and we said animals like animals

and like humans like fucking in midair. I don't know, we were warned that it would be sexy. It was like, okay, we'll meeting a little bit. Or she's like I was like, you go to bed, And honestly, she passed the funk out and then I went to the All you Can Eat by myself that you recommend it. That's because when I go to Vegas, this is the situation. I don't gamble, um, why will? But like like fifty bucks and that's about it.

Would I really spend a money on Jason? I made money the last time because they two people found us and they're like CBS or like some sort of like survey people found us and they were like, would you like to come watch CBS show for fifty and we were like, oh, yes, we will, and so we left our vacation to go watch this dumb CBS show about like zombies, like they were taking that. It was so bad.

It was so it was like normal zombies on your street to a zombie that you know people know that, um, and we had to do the little dials and like that was like the best Vegas experience and what we So I like during dumb ship in Vegas and I like eating at buffets, and the best buffet is Baccanal.

And if you and I think you went to a different one, that's okay, because yeah, I didn't go to Bacan because I would have remembered if I went to if you go at like three o'clock like that's been lunch in and it turns into dinner, so you pay for the lunch and then you eat the dinner. That of the year. Oh my god, that's pay for lunch,

eat your dinner at it's expensive. That also, I will say, what we were watching on TV while that was happening was the r n C. That was literally the day the like a couple of days of the r n C, and we were watching it like, god damn, this is so fucking insane, trusting nothing will never happened because of the r NC. That was when they were like jumping ship on him. Yeah, she played your eyed. Here's the TA. I just want to say really quickly, Sudie Green gets

really motherfucking drunk. And she doesn't get drunk, she gets very tired. She gets drunk three drinks and then the bitch is tired. You and I and Charleston saw her vomit out of an uber up and she's gonna want to come back on the show and vindicate. Well, well, we'll bring her back on and she can an open. She does. She does. I have never seen her vomit. I have been around her when she drunk. One of my three things about Sudie when she's drinking is that

she's very honest. Yeah, yeah, it's biting, honest, honest, and she keeps that honesty when she's sober as well. I totally. But I think it's like it's like free and flying and then you find it like you know fully where she stands and wonderful. It's a dear and wonderful Oh before we forget, let me just read off this episode's culture rule, submitted by a user. Um, oh god, my Facebook is Fritz saying out? But I think I have it?

Um sorry, just we guys, guys feeling the silence while I find this no But I mean, here's the deal with Real Housewives. I feel like I see myself and all of them. That is so funny and that shocking. And I realized today what was watching the reunion. I was like, I don't dislike any of them, but I know that Louianna is a Trump. I know you. You have disseminated this information to that party. Though she went to Carol's party, she's a Trump. She was also seen

at Marlago. Well that sucks. But and she also won't say who she voted for, which is if you don't voted for you. I bet Louianna is a Trump. I bet Ramona's a Trump. Romona definitely is because she said so, she said so that. Oh my god. So get ready in this new season, You're going to see Carol throw an election night party back when we all thought the Hillary Clinton would win. And you see her and that's so full of hope and you live the day over

againushing defeat. And she has like a fight with Ramona leading up to the party because Ramona says that Trump has some good ideas and he's not so bad dead to me now, Yeah, And so they fight about it and Carol won't let her come to the party, and then eventually I think she maybe does come to the party out this this could be um bad information that I'm spreading, but they have a face off, and Ramona is somehow like she isn't she could be smugg and

she isn't. But she's definitely a Trump, and Carol is definitely a Hillary. Yeah, believe the Carol votes for Hillary. I think here's who's Trump. Luanna's Trump, Ramona's Trump, and I think Sonya, I don't think Sonya voted. I think Sonia either didn't vote or is it Trump because because she's not that smart, and I think that Carol obviously vote for Hillary. I think Bethany has the sensible for Hillary. Sorry, I think. Oh and Bethany Hatamrosa, right, Oh my god.

Wait have you ever seen Bethanni and almar Rossa's interview on the Bethany's Talk show? You must go back fucking garbage? And Bethany's also kind of did Martha Stewart apprentice? Ah? Right, right, right, so she has apprentice experience as well. And what happened with her is that she said that she was just going to fake it until you make it, and Martha got furious and said that you must never fake it. That's not part of her business. And literally they both

were talking about nothing. Yeah, like both of them are fucking rich as hell, but they don't have to work for anything in their lives. Okay, this is the users submitted culture. What is to say Martha Stewarts never had to work for anything in her life. Martha works very hard, she works very hard. But look, I mean this whole I mean, this whole snoop dog thing is great. I think it's actually quite lovely. She loves weed too. She loves weed. I watched she I would love to get

lit with Martha Stewart. I don't know. I watched. I think she's great. I had to google videos of how to fold the fitted bed sheets. Never you'll never learn. I learned. I learned, you fucker's And but Martha Stewarts came up and she was just She brought someone from the audience to come and try to fold it, and she really exploited that audience member. And I will never forgive Martha, who wants to be a millionaire wab Absolutely, she was the Chris Harrison shaking the hand. This is

user submitted culture rule number four two of culture. That's too many guys. Stop put it down sometimes. Let pause? Who made this? Who made this? Julie Wonderland, Julie Wonderland, Listen, we don't have that many rules. We have plenty of rules. We're trying to put a book together. That's that's that's not real. Hold on, this is Julie Wanderland's rule number four hundred two of culture. If you don't think party in the USA is a bob, we can't be friends.

I agree, I do agree, and but but but someone recently came for that song and I was like, what the fund is your problem? And someone actually that was a lost culture, says Listener, was like Party in the USA sucks in some context. I saw this and I was like, that's I think that person has to be told to go, told to go. Christian thoughts on Party in the USA, I love that. But I'm a Miley fan like this. Yeah, it's so good. It's a great song now, and I love Wrecking Ball, Wrecking Ball wonderful.

I like honesty, she um, she she's okay. I like all of Miley songs until I don't. I'm not crazy about Malibu. Well yeah, it's just her like doing the whole for real. I like her more when she was appropriating other people's culture. I feel that way. Oh, I actually feel like was I mean, like, what's she doing? We can get into this time some degree, But I like her and she was sort of doing that with the drag Queens as well. Was she doing that more

than every other pop star? No, she wasn't the first. Was she doing it worse than Katy Perry? Now, she wasn't doing the Gwen Stefani thing of like I'm going like that was despicable. She never got to that level. I kind of, quite frankly feel like Miley does pretty much what everyone else does but gets it worse. But also Miley, and I will never forgive her for this. Back during her like auburn hair bullshit days, took a picture with an Asian guy and the guy and I'm like, Nat,

you're dad, Ye can't? Yeah either, I didn't remember that until that really sucks, And there's no excuse. Just because you're from Tennessee doesn't mean that you get to do that. There you go, But Julie Wonderland's real number four Intich you have. Culture still applies. Let's say it together. If you don't think part of the part in the USA, we can't be friends. Unfortunately, that's going probably gonna end

a lot of friendships. I think that's fine, but those friend and I will say that I denounce you if you voted for Trump, and I denounce you if you don't like party in the US. I and don't think it's a quote unquote bop, although I also do denounce the term bop being this thing that everyone is saying that I don't like it. I think I don't like I don't like the way it sounds bob okay, barber. I think it's trying to I think that's the title

of that. It can't be so. I think it's barbar parentheses, soding, no barbar parentheses, stupid, barbar parenthesies, dumbass queen, and and we should all we're gonna think people are gonna think that we're calling Kristen a queen. That's not what they're gonna think. That's your dumbass thinking that they're going to say that. I do like thats your m that's your okay, here is the title at episode. That's your dumbass, and all the yours and capitals, that's your dumb head. I'm

not signing off. I signed off on and as the executive. And the contract because Culture recently has a contract, and it says in the contract Matt Rogers as actually the executive, no contract, I have the Yes, we do have a contract, Christen, and it's barbar friendship contract. And it says that as the executive, I'm allowed to cancel the friendship. And you know I dictate the terms. It's barbar soda in come

that's that. I will say this in the last line of the contract of me and Bowen's friendship is Matt is the last thing that Ball will ever see. I will look into his eyes and watch the right leave them. I will. I will pillow. Yeah, it doesn't have to be pillow. You're not gonna smother me. No, you're gonna poison me. I don't even have to be the one that kills you. I have to be the one the

last thing you ever see. I think if you are out there and you're trying to kill bone, to let me know so I can be we should, we should like hash out the like the actual wording of us. So you know that Bowen has a lot of murderous intent on his Facebook I do, and I'm you know what, maybe it's gonna maybe I'm gonna go to you delete that ship. I will, I will, I will. Um. Thank you, thank you, Matt for even immortalizing that even further on. It's cut. It's cut. No, no, no, no, no no no.

We can be in keep it. Um, guys, let's move on to I don't think so, honey, Let's move on. I don't think so, honey, I don't think so honey, it's a segment of our podcast where we rail against culture for one minute, um, specific items of culture that are really giving us some trouble and making us think. I don't like that very much. You may have um

been at our last live show. I don't think so, honey, um, and I think as of today, you guys, you can head on over to Spoke and listen to the live episode if I don't think so, honey, which is exclusive on Spoke right now, and just two weeks you're gonna be able to hear it on our channel and everywhere podcasts are heard. But right now you can head on over to Spoke and listen to all that goodness, listen to Kristen Bartlett rare all against thin people and it's crazy.

Just days later, you're going to be asked to do another I don't think so, honey. Right now. It's a it's a lot, but we'll go first, but we're gonna do it to warm everybody up. And it's not going to be me that goes first. All right, I guess I guess it'll be me, It'll be you. I have I have a couple of options here. Okay, well, okay, now you know what. Yeah, yeah, it's gonna be it's gonna be a little inside baseball. But I'm gonna doptions too. It's weird, but I'll go. I know, I know mine.

I think, I think I know what I'm gonna do. This is bowen Yanks. I don't think so honey, and your time starts now. I don't think so honey. Background actors who go straight to crafty and take all the food before I can even get my hands out a cracker, I don't think so honey. This was insane. Look, I mean, we're all in the same industry. It's fine. We're all, you know, hawking food. Uh, we were all trying to get as much food as we can when it's provided

to us for free. But I don't think so many people who just you are the definition of the a little of freeloaders. You're a little freeloaders. I don't think so money. I don't think so honey. I listen, my name is on the call sheet, okay, so you better let me get that grape. That's right, I said. I don't think so honey. People who are going to come for me for having call treet to lead them. This

is warranted. I worked hard for this. I worked hard to go to Crafty before background people go and steal all the food, and I have nothing left but little scraps of ship, scraps of brownies that are overrated. By the way, brownie is overrated. I'll get to that some other time. I don't think, so honey, background next to Crafty. That's one minute. That's quite enough. Okay, Well my actually, you know exactly what I'm gonna do. Okay. And this is Matt Rodgers is I don't think so honey, and

his time starts now. I don't think so many people who are on the call street that think that makes you a better human and that means you usually be able to go to the food before anyone else. Who the funk? Is this? This is some trump as I'm not sitalism, This is cast this is this is call sheet nationalism. Now, this is you thinking that you Yes, I do know. And also Bowen booked a movie. We have to record this episode. At nine pm. Bowen was on set and it ran ley, oh no eat because

he's in a movie with Rebel Wilson, big star. Oh Liam, hemm's worse in the movie. Prianka chopers in the movie. Guess what Bowen says. She's prettier in person. Bowen did poor poems getting the check. That didn't get to eat the background bitch who's been standing up for twenty hours on a goddamn feet You got to eating bone didn't get to eat. Oh no, he'll get a line in the movie. His sag ass s a g screen actors. Gil, bitch, you should go fund yourself, dumb mask. You can't even

say barbar You can't even say bar boss. So hateful to you. I am hateful towards you because you believe that you are amongst the elite. No, I believe that you believe that you are amongst the elite, and you should say whatever you feel better than the background actress. But when it comes to food, I should at least get first path. That is equivalent to Trump saying both sides. No you you say I'm no better than the background actors, but they shouldn't dare eat before me? Is some both

sides nonsense. You should be ashamed of this. I don't think Sony will live in infanty. Who else likes both sides? Is one? Joni fucking Mitchell. I don't give a about that? How dare you appropriate the words of she's talking about her goddamn abortion, She's talking about her goddamn life. And that is a song that will be some of the funerals and well sung by Sarah Brellas at the immemorium of the Oscars and Carry Fisher died to that song,

and you should burn. And how dare you come into this episode tonight with your goddamn mispronunciation of Barbara strising with barbar and continue to spit in the face of young, hardworking actors who are not yet sag who are simply on the shoot because they love film and they want to help, and they haven't yet gotten to the position whether on the call she and you spit in there,

You spit in their non sag after faces today. And I hope that everyone out there that is a background actor knows that it is I, Matt Rogers who stands beside you, and you should be living. You should be ashamed. You will live in infamy. Okay, al right, well, now I've never battled to that. You don't. Unfortunately, your time is up. My time is up. You said you said

that will be inside baseball. Guess what it was inside wrong what it was so strong, It was so strong and in the end, okay, this is gonna be Kristen Bartletts. I don't think so ony. I can't wait for that, can't possibly compare, yes, you can. You know this is Christin Bartletts. I don't think so honey, and her time starts now. I do not think so honey when your

favorite products get discontinued. So sorry, but I have emailed Prescriptives Makeup two times in the past months because my favorite foundation comfort cream is no longer being made and it really makes me mad. And the first time they emailed me back and they said, we don't know when it's gonna be back. In the second time they did not even respond. Means I have to move on and find another moisturizer. And you know what, I didn't find it one of their brands. I bought La Mare five

dollars And that's how I feel, Prescriptives. I said no to your other brands. I am going to go and pay more to something that is completely untested. And you know what else is not in existence anymore, the original beefstick. It's totally a second I think so that Hickory farms took what was good and holy about a beefstick and they completely changed it. And they're lying to you, and it's poor ship. I don't think so. If people love your products and you always need to provide them like

they are, that wo la lu la lu. That was epic. That was epic. Oh my god, you're a lamyre motherfucker. I thought, I don't know what's going to happen to me. I ordered it from Sephora. Sure loves it if if it works for sure. I think I'm getting older and I think it's fine. I think it's time. Like I feel like if you reach your thirties and you started to you need to pay more. You've seen the world

from both you have seen it from both sides. And I'm gonna get botox, get botox, and then um, you know, cold cream is like the quintessential woman, like adult face cream. What do you want to do? Just a little lift. I don't really care about this. It's the wrinkles on my forehead. You don't have any real you have not wondering, And I think I love it. This is crazy that you say okay here and I also have a laugh,

but cool with the laugh. Lines because there are reason but this I didn't do anything you would but you would do you would do a little bow teeth totally would. I feel like you're starting to see like I'm starting to see like other comedy women heroes, and I realized that they're getting work done, and I'm like, oh, I probably need to get some work done. You know what? Do you know? You know what? I think it's getting

some work done. And I'm not saying this pejoratively. I think it's Mindy Kaling and she's looking great, she looks fantastic, fantastic. I think she's getting some nice everybody think. I mean literally, everyone gets wor totally totally. And I'm just a writer, but I still would get it done. But you are empowered to get it done. I'm getting a new face.

I'm getting a new face and it will be bones and I will get and space and then everyone will be like bow and hi and I'll be like hello, and I will con I will live as you and will you? How will you treat background people? Let's just say your reputation will turn around positively, Okay, fred as the kings and queens that they are, they're not They're not listen. I have done background, and I was dumb, and I shouldn't have done it. You shouldn't waste your time.

You're not going to make any money. You will make two if you're lucky. You're lucky, and they keep you in holding and it's just you're going to just stay around with these other bullshit people that don't make any sense. We're frankly a little off. Everybody's you guys time. If you have time to do background, then I question your life. Wow, you guys come for the background Actress of America and I stand beside you, and I think that's I've done background, and I know and I can only do it on

the weekends. And I got very excited because I had a line and that chick got cut because it was a waste of my time and what a letdown. And look Christian has been has seen it from both sides. Yes, you've seen its sides as a background, It's true, It's true. I was kind of maybe like high up on that call sheet. Sometimes when you're when your last name is Bartlett, sometimes you get lucky. But hey, doesn't get as great, doesn't get as good as me on that call sheet. Oh,

I love that. I love that so much. I'm obviously joking. I do not think in this at all. He literally as he's saying he's joking, he made a jack off motion. He no, I didn't know. He has become a monster, big headed when it comes to food, like that's fair. Like I even get annoyed that the bride and groom get to eat before everybody else. That's what I came to see your wedding, and at my wedding, I fed everybody else and then we went up there. That's insane

that I believe that that was your day. You should have eaten first. She's a caretaker, took care of exactly. This is about her abortion. I had no idea. I don't. Apparently it was that. Her other songs say the credits of the showy God, my name is Bowen Yang. That's Matt Rogers. Kristen Bartley was our guest this episode. This is a fantastic episode. I love Kristen. Thank you so much for coming on having me. This has been a Forever Dog production executive produced by Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsay,

and Brett Bohm. For more podcasts, please visit Forever Dog Productions Dot com dog