All right. We're starting off another episode of Come With Casey. I am not prepared for this, but we are doing it. We are doing it. I am your co-host Carrie Sanders. And I'm Dr. Casey Sanders. And this is not a normal episode for us. No, it is fucking eight o'clock at night, nine o'clock at night. I what? I don't even know. It's slightly dark, but the time changed, so I don't really know what that means anymore.
It's later in the
evening. And this isn't normally what we do, like we do our episodes and. We've been a bit more like structured, but these last you know, week with kids in spring break. Yeah, threw us off a little bit. And here we are recording, um, at eight o'clock at night. Yeah. I've had a whole day. I had a whole ass day. I had a whole ass day at
work today. And we're here, we're here to talk about sex
relationships. Yeah. Well, and this is a really important topic because I think it's funny that a lot of our episodes we like pre-create and then the universe like. Situations shit into our lives. It just dumps situations and, and people that need to hear this
message. Oh yeah. You took that in a completely different
direction. Yeah. You're talking about dumping in a way that I am not talking about
dumping. Yeah, no. Um, you are correct. Yeah. We typically come out with an episode. And we, or even a concept. Yeah. And we get so much feedback that's thank you for doing an episode on this. I needed this, I, this is the exact thing I've been going through. Mm-hmm. that's been one of the most surprising ones, is to have people contact us, to be like, this is literally happening to me right now. And you just helped me in a way that I didn't know I could be
helped. So this time it was a little different though because we had talked about like creating this idea for the show. Mm-hmm. and then in a week's time if that, I've had three people come to me and talk about this exact topic. So I was like, okay, we are clearly on the right page. This is something that needs to be discussed. Um, well
before, I mean, we still got some time before we get into the, the, the Yeah, sure. Meat of the topic. Let's talk about our post on Instagram that we made today.
The, the, the, the cute doggy. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Let's
talk about it. So, one of the, one of our favorite topics that we have is, advancement of like sexual positions. Mm-hmm. we, we talk about 'em a lot mostly because we often talk with couples or even individuals who say something along the lines of oh my God, we have great sex, but I want to figure out what's the next step? What's the next thing that we can do?
When they're drawing a blank and they're not quite ready to dive into some of the more kinky stuff yet, they're like, how can I take what I'm already. And just advance
that a little bit. Yeah. Because unfortunately whether we mean to or not missionary becomes the most, that's like the staple for sex. Yeah. And it, we gotta stop that shit. We've gotta stop missionary. I don't care if woman on top, guy on top, whatever, missionary can be super fun. Personal. It can be, but Don't let that be your only. Mm-hmm. there, there, there are beautiful fonts that you can write in. Let's not have missionary, the only fonts
that you use. It's so the same language. We're just adding a little, like calligraphy
in there. Exactly. Like we, we wanna, we wanna spice it up a little bit. And I, and I love that you, so you found these images online and so one thing for y'all to understand. It's hard. We, we haven't
even told him what the post was yet. Let's fine. No, we, I said cute. Doggy. Yeah, that, what is that? Gives us no
information. Doggy. When I say doggy, we say positions. What AME pops in your
head? No, we posted today. Mm-hmm. on some variations that you can do in doggy style. There are these included some fun ones, some ones that you might have seen on for certain videos. Ones that you may have tried before and we're just reiterating some of the like few variations that we already know of not getting too difficult where you have to be and your
Yeah, because none of 'em con Yeah, none of 'em were like, I can't do that. You see like some. Karma Sutra stuff and, and you're like, okay, yeah. my husband's leg doesn't bend behind his head. So how are we, I can't touch supposed to do that. Exactly. Um, and so what I was gonna say is like the imagery that you ended up finding was great. Yeah. Because we struggle as content creators to find stuff that online will even allow us to post. Yes. Some
of the rapid myths stuff that we do. Some of the graphics. Yeah. Let's see if I
can find it. Yeah. Some of the graphics that we, I mean, we've been banned before, like temporary bands and, and so understand that if we're delivering a position to you and maybe it looks a little bit softer than the way that we would describe it, understand that that's mostly because that's, we're, we're putting it online,
so we, I actually curated the images that we used today from bad Girls Bible. If you're not following them, do it. They have great artwork. They have. It's
very, very artworks to understand what's happening without it being explicit.
Yeah. So what we did is we atten, we essentially took your basic doggy style and we introduced you to four variations of it. Mm-hmm. and all four of them are ones that we have personally tried or so except one. There's one that was like, wait a minute, happening this weekend.
Yeah, a hundred percent. If it wasn't on my period, it'd happen tonight. But it is what it is. So life happens.
we posted these four different variations in the hopes for people to see them and go, oh, I haven't tried that one. Yeah. Or I have, and I really like it. And it also answers questions whenever we're talking to people who are saying, well, how can I get like deeper penetration or better G-spot sim stimulation?
What is, because let's face it, if we're a doggy style and a girl's I want doggy style, she wants that deeper penetration, we don't ask for that as an accident. It's not oh sure, maybe. Let's try. We know what we want, when we want that position, and these are really good ones to like like dive in a little bit more. Yeah. So
then let's go over these four. Yeah. You please quickly and then we'll get into our main topic of the day. Yeah. So the first one that we had was actually called the Bulldog. This is one that if you are a watcher of adult content, you've likely seen it before, girls and doggy style. And this is where, um, a penetrator will get behind them and stand on their feet. Crouched down. Yes. Love it. In a squatting position, it.
Benefits of this is that it's going to allow you more hip control for the penetrator. Mm-hmm. as well as being able to use more force driven through the
legs. So you're good at this position? Yes. Um, so as the penetrator Yeah. Um, how does it feel for your body? Is it, is it or is at any point that it's uncomfortable? I mean, you work out like every single day so, but I'm just curious.
It's, I mean, it's a workout for anybody that does work out. It's like you're doing a bunch of little mini squats. Yeah. And combine that and with rocking forward
and, and we're very happy pressing into the Pels. We're very happy on the other end, and we're just letting you know,
it's, it's a great one. Really for a good deep penetration because now, as opposed to the stopping point being like the front of my hips directly into into your ass. Mm-hmm. now, like if my legs are spread open and I'm squatted down so I can. Get remove some of the, um, blockages that are there. Yeah. And get to a deeper penetrative spot. It's almost like I'm hovering slightly above you and just penetrating deep in that way. So, and it's angled more so
you're getting spots than these exclusive for like anal play.
So No, not necessarily. These are all just doggie variations. But can you use them for anal play? A hundred percent. Absolutely. In fact, there's one that we'll get to that. Probably the best practice for, for anal play, just because of the position of the person being penetrated. Mm-hmm. So we had that one. So we had the bulldog. The next one is the Frog leap. This is the one that I was like, yeah, we're trying that one. This one? Yeah. And I'll try to explain it.
If you're, if you're listening to this and going, I don't know what he is saying. Go check out our
Instagram. Yeah, go to our page.
You'll see it. It's essentially that what you're doing is you are in doggy style, but the person being penetrated is crouched on their feet and like a squat. Mm-hmm.
So, so yes. Same doggy style position, but instead of being like on your knees, how you normally are, you're on your
feet. Yeah. So you would be on your feet Crap. Don receiver
would be
on their feet. Yeah. and that one, another one is great because that gives the person being penetrated more control. So you still get doggy style. Mm-hmm. But the person that's penetrating is not the one that's in full control of it. The person being penetrated now has this opportunity to move around as they see fit and find something that feels good for them. Well, and I
imagine that when I s like size, cause sometimes people say that like the size of my partner makes it difficult. Maybe this is oh for sure. Six foot size dude with a five foot three chick. Yeah. Which sidebar not fair, but But this would be a good position for someone being the smaller end of their receiver. Yeah. To be able to have a, a little bit more control and even be angled up a little bit higher. Mm-hmm. so their. Difference.
Yeah. You don't have, doesn't really like difference of something Exactly. With like really long legs.
Exactly. And so with stuff like that can be d. The part And so, and putting yourself into the, they said frog. That was, that
was leapfrog leap frog
style position. Frog position. It does, it just angles you up higher. Yeah.
So again, it does allow for that deeper penetration. Mm-hmm. and think about it like this. If you are a penis owner, who is more well endowed mm-hmm. and your partner isn't always comfortable with the way that you push into them, this allows them to control the depth and have that control. So now the person being penetrated can go, all right, well this guy's like super. So I'm just gonna lean forward this. Yeah. I'm just gonna kinda move. I'm just gonna. Yeah, so we have that one.
The next one that we talked about, this one goes over under a few different names, but I just fucking love the fact that it was called Triceratops. on the page that I found. Yeah, I saw that. So, triceratops is a, is a variation of doggy, which both partners are standing. The person being penetrated is leaning forward, and the person penetrating has the other one's. Held. Held usually by the forearm or the wrist behind their back and they're holding on right there and they're using that.
The cool thing about this one is that for the person penetrating it creates leverage. Mm-hmm. So now say that I'm behind you because you could pull Exactly. Yeah. I can use your arms and I can pull you into me. To create more thrust, especially for anybody that is a bigger fan of having something like more force, having it harder and harder, then that allows for that to happen outside of just, you know, be thrusting into you. Now I can pull you into me as well, and
if you wanna choke from behind, no one's gonna Yep. You can
use
one hand to grab both wrists. And
I was about, you know, I was about to say, no one's gonna be mad. Ask consent first. I should not say that. But, um, as soon as you talked about that position, the first thing that went to my head was like, wraparound choke. A little pull. Love that. See, it works.
It works well. Love that. So then the last one that we had talked about in this post is, it's called the Basset Hound. Um, oh, I love that. I'm sure that there's a few other names for this, but this is one of our personal favorites too. Is it, this is whenever you are in doggy style and the person being penetrated has their legs, Oh, and the person penetrating Yeah. Is knelt down with their legs on the outside. Yeah, we've definitely done that.
And so that works really, really well because not only is the person receiving, so the Volvo owner has their legs closed together, which just makes it so much tighter. It too. Yeah, it decreases, it actually like decreases the the surf circumference of the, of the vaginal opening. So now you have it's, you get more fighter friction. You get more friction when you do that. So make sure you use lots of lube whenever you're doing.
Um, but man, it does feel really good. That's one of my favorites that
we do, and that one's really good because also it allows me the penetrator mm-hmm. to kinda like rock. you so I can grab onto your hips or anything Oh, yeah. And rock you back and forth. Yeah. Pushing it like up and down as well as thrusting in and out. So it creates all these awesome angles. Um, and this is the one that I said is, would be good for anal because Oh, okay. You can take a variation of that. Even with having your legs closed, you can go into child's pose like that. Mm-hmm.
So you can take that yoga position of child's pose where you allow the person sit their butt back onto their heels and then you're in an optimum position for some good an. Yes.
There was another pose that we did the other day in yoga, and I think it was like puppy pose. Yeah. So was that ex, I mean, yes. Yeah, it was, it was the, it is the exact same thing as like child's pose essentially. But instead of having, because sometimes with child's pose you do have your hands in front, but this was like,
I thought it was downward, like downward dog, but you're just all the way it's,
it's like the version of downward dog. Child's pose, child's pose. And so it's like you really have to arch your back and stick your butt up and then your hands are out and down and then you're supposed to look up. And I remember doing this pose like very successfully and then looking over at you. And you were very aware that I was doing this pose very successfully. it was like straight eyes to it. Um, but that's actually one that we did in in bed. Not too long ago.
Yeah, that I didn't even realize in my head. As we were in that position, I was like, we're in that puppy pose, But um, but then it actually was when we were having anals, so it was just this you're right. It was so much better and it was so much um, softer and it didn't feel. I guess because you're like almost on your stomach and you're more of a relaxed position. Mm-hmm. Um, I loved it. Versus sometimes when we've done that in the past and I was like, in the traditional doggy style.
Yeah. Like you're not as.
relax. Well, it's, it's a nice in between, cuz you have that, you have another position, Flatiron. Mm-hmm. which is the one where you're, we're essentially both flat. Yeah. And I'm on top of you. Um, that can work, but that takes a lot of physical exertion on the penetra trader's part on your part. Right. So I'm pulling myself up and doing this versus being distant, regular doggy style. So this kind of is a good in between mm-hmm.
which can work really, really well for something like anal penetra. But see what I, what I mean, the whole point here is that we have these variations that you can do that create a ton of pleasure, but it's something that we enjoy doing together and really on the same level. Yeah. And that's kinda leading into what we're gonna talk about today actually. Yeah. Pretty well is sexual compatibility.
So our, our big message that we wanna get across today is the importance of something like sexual compatibility. Mm-hmm. So why don't we do this? What's sexual compatibility in the first place? Right? Yeah, let's break that down. So the first thing that you wanna look at, We have these times in life that we're told we're supposed to sit down with our partner and create a vision. Mm-hmm. what's the vision for our
family? What, right. And it's normally do you wanna have kids? Yeah. What religion would they be? Yeah. Like do you, do you wanna work, do you wanna be home? What are our roles in the house? Exactly. Like you create this like vision board, but in doing that, rarely do you. How many times do you wanna have sex a week? What kind of sex do you have? What kind of sex do you wanna
have? How kinky do you want to be? Yeah. How often are we do
will you blow me every Sunday? Yeah. can we set
up a li, can we have a, like a sex wheel? Like they make a
chore wheel. Yeah. Chore wheel, sexual will parenting wheel. But, but you were, I mean,
we're told throughout stages of a relationship. Yeah. As it gets more and more serious that you're supposed to have all these conversations about marriage and kids and everything like this, but. Are are never really often told by, you know, anybody that doesn't know what they're doing. Mm-hmm. that you should have the same conversation centered around sex. Yeah. In fact, you should be having these conversations centered around sex early on in their
relationship. Very early on. Very early
on. Now, I don't mean future planning, but what I'm more, I mean is that we see people get into relationships and they just test the waters of their sexuality. And you know, they go through a honeymoon phase of having sex all the time. And then once that dies out, now they're go, they're realizing that maybe they're not on the same page mm-hmm. with what their ideal sex life is like together. Yeah. And so that's what we wanna talk about today.
I mean, I, I, yes. And I, and I, I think it's really important that we are, and I think it's one of those things, if you're gonna sit down, maybe not like on the first date. Sure. We understand that, but this conversation needs to be happening a lot sooner.
It does, it needs to be having a lot sooner than, you know, marriage. Correct. Or like a couple years in the line. And you're worth, because I
feel like if you're with someone and then you, you, do you naturally talk about y'all's like future getting engaged and being married. In what? In what you want. But, and, and I've talked to so many women mm-hmm. and the only time that they actually get that question brought to them is in couples counseling. But a lot of times it's like the couples counseling that's like the preacher that's about to marry them. Yeah. Are you really diving into that conversation with your preacher?
And I'm honestly, I was shocked the first time I heard. I was like, that is amazing. I didn't even know that They set you down and, and, and did ask those questions. Yeah. But normally by that time, you're engaged. Right? Your wedding is planned. We are literally talking about having this conversation. way earlier. Yes. Because if
you are waiting until you're engaged and about to be married, how many people are gonna sit down and go, well, is the sexuality that I have versus what my partner has a big enough issue for me to not have this wedding? We're, you know, grown. Yeah. To believe that it's not a super important thing to have. The discussion on, we're telling you that it is, that it fucking important. Yeah, it absolutely is that important. So being up front mm-hmm.
that's like point number one, being up upfront about your sexual desires. You know, we have people that get into relationships and what do they do? Hey, what are you into in the bedroom? What kind of stuff do you like? And they kind leave it back even if
that conversation happens. But
it, it gets left at, at that they'll break through a couple of barriers of being like, oh, you, you're into X, Y, and Z. Mm-hmm. Oh, I like that. Great. All right. That must mean we're done, we're done with that conversation. Next chapter, And they don't dive into, yeah. Probably one of the most important things. And that's defining sex in the first place.
Um, I think that people are getting more aware of this, but still so many people think that sex is just straight penetration, penetration between two people. But what you're doing there whenever you define sex as penetration between two people is you're leaving out entire populations. Mm-hmm. you're leaving out like the entire lgbtq c. By saying penetration equals sex. Sex is defined by the person that defines it. That is the fact that is the facts
right there, which is why communication is so important because the statement that you just said. To someone that's not grasping the concept. Makes no sense, right? But it has to, you have to understand that the dialogue or the narrative that you create with your partner early on is going to be your story for the remainder of y'all's relationship. Evolves like its sexuality, doesn't evolves percent. It evolves, but. you're right.
Like it is defined as the way that those two individuals maybe can choose. Yeah. To define it together. But you have to be able to communicate that. Yeah. Under,
and what that is under understand that the way that I define sex and early in a relationship, especially the way I define sex, may not be the same way that the person I'm engaging with defines sex. And that would be something y'all need to know. You need. That's why we, we have made it very apparent that you need to explore each other's sexual narratives. Mm-hmm. you know, the whole thing of like, how do, how did you grow up in a household talking about sex.
What was sex talked about like in your community? Mm-hmm. amongst your friends. What are your views on it? Because you're gonna have some people that view, that view sex and sexuality as this big open thing and like ethical slut hood as a big thing for them. And sex positiv. versus somebody else who is very shame centered around sex. Yeah. And they don't talk about it and they're not open about it.
So you both need to come together early on in the relationship to discuss what sex is to you mm-hmm. and figure out if y'all are on the same page and the importance of it. Yeah. And then figure out also if y'all, if, if you're not on the same page, can you get on the same page? Mm-hmm.
do you want to be on the same page? Is that something If I would've come to you? You know, in the very beginning of our relationship and was. I wanna bring a third in. I wouldn't have necessarily known how you felt about that, but I really do wish that we had that conversation way earlier on. To say this is what I'm interested in. This is my sexuality. Yeah. But unfortunately, we are those people that were not raised to understand this. Mm-hmm.
And that's again, that's why we're really trying to send this messages out and get you to understand that that narrative that you create with your partner is very, very important and it sets down the entire foundation for your relationship.
Yeah. So some, I mean, some basic things you can discuss in creating your own narrative. Mm-hmm. is define sex for yourselves. Yeah. Figure out what their definition is, compare it to what your definition is. You can look at the frequency and duration of your ideal sex life. Mm-hmm. you know, you may be somebody that's I'm okay with a month. And your partner may be sitting back and saying, I want fuck sex five days a week minimum. Which both are completely
okay. Answers that if they are. But you need to understand that and y'all need to be on the same page.
Yeah. So if you are the person that's completely fine with once a month, once every two months, and that is your ideal sex life, good for you. You need to factor that into your partner that you have. Mm-hmm. to find out if they are also on board with once a month, once every two months, once every three months. So you need to be able to find those kind of, those parameters there. You should also look at the preferred environment that you wanna be having sex. Are you somebody that's Nope.
Bedroom, lights off shirts on, like that kind of style? Or are you somebody no, um,
I wanna have sex at the Dallas Arboreum like we've done true story Are you restorative? But no, but that's a environment. Good point though. What is the environment in which you want to engage in? Um, you, Casey and I. have fun doing sexual, like fun things in, in public or in a way that we can, and, but something mostly just for us. We
like to tease each other out and
about. Oh yes. Or going to a friend's house or a relative's house and we're gonna be there all day and we'll find times where we can meet up in a bathroom or something back to the car around a little bit like it. It's very fun for us. What if that was something that I was like, I need this. And you were like, ah, that's not me. Absolutely not. Yeah. That's a no for me.
And so it's something that you really need to, to figure out and go crazy with it, but also not only yes, go crazy with it and figure out what you're wanting. And I'm so sorry. Casey has his notes in front of me and we really try to stay on track. And so I'm, I'm hoping I'm not like going off here. Um,
you're fine.
Well, cause sometimes I do that and he'll be like, that was the point that I was gonna. Two notes from now and I'm like, fuck my bad. I'm so sorry. But what I wanna say is just because, so imagine you're with your partner, you're listening to this episode and you're like, I am married. Check in. Yep. Recheck in. You are allowed to, you said it a minute ago, you're allowed to evolve and change, revisit everything that you want. Revisit. It does not mean you have been what?
We've been together how many years? About to be 14. we can check in tomorrow and have an entirely different narrative or dialogue for the both of us than we did six months ago. Exactly. Right. And, and we do that. And sometimes you can like recheck in and, and then play with that. Recheck in, maybe pull back some a little bit. Yeah. But it is very important. You do not have to be early in a relationship to get this message.
You can really, you can start tomorrow and start over and say, Hey, I wanna talk about what our sexual narrative is. Yeah. Build it. Was that, was that
further in your notes? No. You're, you're, no, you're, you're on point. You're doing amazingly right now. I love now the other part that you can have when building this, this mm-hmm. sexual vision together. You know, I, I love that so much.
Cause I, I always picture it with what we've been told in the past, whenever we're dealing with our people are like business coaches and things like that, and they're like, you need to sit down and have a vision for the relationship and a mission statement for the relationship. Right. And now I'm going like, we need to have a vision for the sex life and a mission statement for the sex. And so, and, but we do, but it creates successful sex in our, in our marriage.
Yeah. And we've en we've enjoyed doing this for years at this point. Mm-hmm. is just helping each other find out where we're headed. And if you're find out that like you're going down a certain road and you're able to sit down and have a check-in. And you find out that maybe one person's not super comfortable with it and they're wanting to mm-hmm. like you said, pull back, change, do something and fuck. Do that. That's the time to have the conversation, but communicate it and make adjustments.
Yeah. It doesn't have to be, we are set in our ways and this is all that will ever be, continuously evolve with it and continue to have those,
those discussions with each other. Yeah. As people know, we're like manga ish. Right. And so we what we're comfortable with. And there's been plenty of times where we're like, okay with this, but now we're gonna pull back. We're okay with this, but now we're gonna pull back. And all those situations came with communication. That could literally be down to say there's an act in bed that Casey wanted to try and we did.
maybe a attempted a little bit, and then there was, there needed to be a pullback. Like any scenario that y'all can create together, pullback can happen as long as you communicate that, and that is the most important thing. I mean, again, we're fucking sitting here saying, well, you already said comfort. Right? Yeah. You already talked about that. I'm literally sitting here and saying comfortability, like.
When we don't even realize it, we talk about our three Cs, but it is very, very important and to have that like mental check-in with your partner maybe after y'all have like renegotiated terms that y'all have together. Yeah. Well, it's a good time
also whenever you're having discuss your relationship orientation. Mm-hmm. are y'all sitting in a. N like non-negotiable monogamous
agreement, which is totally fine. Which is a great thing. A hundred hundred percent fine. Yeah, we will preach
it every single time. If monogamy is for you, it's for you. Yes. Non-monogamous. For you, non-monogamous for you. Relationships are not a one size fits all, and it's one of the reasons why we have such like things like high divorce rates. It's one of the reasons that we have such things like people having to go to therapy. Especially like marriage counseling, relationship therapy, sex therapy, because we are to believe that relationships are supposed to be one true love, monogamous.
Just you and your partner. If that fits your life and your lifestyle, fuck yeah, good for you.
Fit that mold, baby. But just make it a
fun mold. If you are somebody that says, well, maybe that's not for me, that's okay too. A thousand. You defining what type of relationship style you have is going to really speak loads to your sexual compatibility.
I mean, just like you said earlier, defining what, what sex is to you and to each other. Yeah. Defining what that relationship means to y'all. It's the exact same thing. Yeah. So remember
that your, your actual sexual compatibility is whatever partners have or similar, um, sexual needs. So like their preferences, their turn-ons, frequency, all these things. Mm-hmm. So at this point, I feel like you should have some sort of a grasp about like what what your sexual idea is or your vision for a sex life is.
And you should be well equipped to begin to have the discussion with your partner about what theirs is, as long as it's in a good non-judgmental, safe space where clear communication is present. Yeah. And you do not have, um, the tendency to become super uncomfortable or judgmental. Yes. They're judging against, yeah, judgmental against what your. Is into or wants. So there's that right there. So again, like just be thinking about sex and how often you want to have it and the type of, what
types do you, well, Casey, I mean, we're, we're really open and we have a lot of sex and, and I love that. But let's do this. How many times do you, would, would you ideally wanna have sex a week? Holy shit.
Um, okay. I love critical thinking questions as you know, you hate it and I so love it.
This is my favorite. I'm gonna make you critically think every
episode. My ideal, my ideal sex life would be to, to be sexual in some way daily. Okay. This doesn't mean again, so
my, no, that's fine. Honestly, that makes
sense. my definition of sex is not penetrative sex. No, it's not. My definition of sex. Like if we're, if we're being intimate over text message, that's sex to me. Mm-hmm. if we are like fooling around a little bit, that's sex to me. So being sexual on some level, on a daily basis is my ideal sex
life. But see, that's really beneficial for me too to hear that because I'm like, okay, today. Have I done anything that could have been like flirtatious or sexual? And, and so in my head I'm like, well, no, I haven't. We still have time. Yeah, we still have time, but I haven't. And so as soon as you said that, that made me think oh wow, what if I just sent him a nude or, or something like, A sexual act that I wanted. Yeah. Or you could show your partner
that you're thinking
about. Exactly. But that's what I was thinking. Like sexual or you said once a once a day. I think that's great. I, and, and that honestly to me puts like a very unique perspective to think that, I was thinking you're gonna say three times a week, but like once a day, honestly. That's great. But the, but then you. Reiterate, reiterated. That doesn't have to be penetration. Right. It could be a flirtatious something. Right. But we also
dabble with things like edging and stuff like that, where we're going, Hey,
you know what? We tease each other
a lot. Yeah. Where we'll sit back and be like, Hey, we've been teasing each other for the last three days straight. Yeah. we tease each other a a lot. It's a huge buildup time for some sort of release. Yeah. So, but that stuff is fun to me, so Yeah, that's true. Whenever it become, No, I, I don't ever, I will never see it as X amount of times per week because I feel like that's limiting. Mm-hmm. and it's limited to penetrative sex. Well, yeah. But I mean,
you said you weren't talking
about penetrated sexual, but Yeah. Being Right. Being sexual on some level and just keeping it flowing and keeping it going. It should be a daily practice. Mm-hmm. where everybody has things that they try to make habitual. Mm-hmm. and it's because they're trying to create success in their. I'm doing the same thing, creating it in a, in a sexual stance.
And I think that's insanely important. Exactly. I didn't remotely think that our conversation was gonna go into that, but No, that makes so much sense.
Yeah. It creates, creates the, create that
mindset. Create that success. Yeah. If you're going to put, um, a what, what do the people put on their mirrors? Affirmations. Yeah. Quotes. Yeah. Whatever. If you're, if you're gonna do that, if you're gonna meditate, why can't sex be involved in. It should be on some level. Yeah.
Like especially cuz people are like, go, oh, I'm gonna write down five affirmations, make one from sex oriented. Exactly.
That's what I'm saying. Like you just kind of like a light bulb went off. I was like, I've never even fucking thought of that. We always prioritize our success, our job, our emotions, whatever. But very rare do we sit there and prioritize our sexual wants. Yeah. We're, and then do we, I'm told Sue. Yeah, we're not, and then we don't communicate. Mm-hmm. So are you gonna ask me? I'm waiting for, I'm waiting for you to ask me. I
know, I'm
just teasing it to you. I'm kind. No, you just don't care, No,
I do. I know. I care very deeply actually. So let's clarify that real quick.
No, you probably care more than anybody for sure.
So then Carrie, why don't you go ahead and gimme a breakdown of your, okay. Your vision of sexuality in our
relationship. I would say five times a week. Mm. to where, but the same concept. Yeah. Five times a week. But it doesn't have to mean penetrative. It could be teasing, it could be flirtatious, it could be you sending me a porno. There are times where we send each other videos of shit that we wanna try or do, or, and I view that as being very sexual with you. Mm-hmm. that's a very intimate moment between us. Um, so I would, I would say five times, five times a week or even six at most.
everyone deserves a day of rest,
And on the, on the seventh day,
See, I almost went there, but I was like, we're not talking about that We're not going. But, but, but yeah, no, I I like that. That's cute. So mine, mine, yours is just, Seven days a
week, some, some level of sexuality on a daily basis. And it doesn't have to be big. This that's the the point you get across. It's not something that I'm like, no, I know. Yeah. This needs to be a big act of, I need a full photo shoot and boudoir stuff and then we need to have like sex. Can I just like
come up and smack your ass? Does that count? Yes. Literal thought you were gonna
say. No. Yeah. Now am I gonna turn around and grab you by the throat? A little bit? Maybe. Probably push up against the wall. Uhoh. Yeah. You'll likely get that. But yeah, some level of sexuality daily. That is my ideal life.
And again, we're doing this because. The way that you connect with someone is not only through friendship or through commonalities or through whatever, but it's fucking sex, man. Yeah. That that's a big part of it. It's a huge part of it. I was talking to a client of mine and she's had a baby, and obviously we understand after you have a baby, it's really difficult to kind of like get back in the swing of things. We talked about it a ton on the show already. We have, we've had episodes.
But her and I were discussing it and she didn't see or understand or put value to the importance of a sexual act. Yeah. It just didn't seem important and. She had said, you know, I've noticed, I don't feel as close with my partner. Mm-hmm. I have noticed that we are not ha, we're not engaging in any way sexually. And, and now it feels like it's not only like a roommate, but it's like a friend that we're watching children together and making sure they don't die And, but that's true.
And, and that's how it can become. And I just, I strongly, my Med Parenthood. Exactly, and I just, I strongly encourage it doesn't matter at what phase you're in, in your relationship, say you did just have a baby, that's the perfect time to reevaluate that conversation.
Yeah. Um, well, I mean there's so many variables that go into that cuz whenever we talk about bringing kids into a relationship at that point mm-hmm. so much changes and there's so many, it's changed for a while. Well, that's the importance of really defining sex for yourself because if I am somebody that is defining sex is penetrative and my partner just had a child, and now I'm viewing it as like we have a sexless marriage. Mm-hmm.
well, we have a sexless marriage because I'm defining sex as penetrative sex. Yeah. You can still do other, plenty of other things that can be sexual that don't involve penetration. And I don't mean limiting that to oh my God, well now I want blow jobs and now I want AM jobs and I want. To go down on you and I wanna do all these things. No sexual acts across the board. Just showing your partner and reminding them, take a fucking
bath with them Right. You know, like into this, relax a little bit. Exactly. Be intimate But, but what we're trying to say is and, and bring together is whether you're in the very beginning of your relationship with someone, you need to realize how important it is to have these conversations. Ride out your own sexual narrative, tell them to, we're gonna exchange notes, maybe third date, you know, maybe not on the first. Here's all the sexual things I want. Well, I
personally think that like before you have sex for the first time in a relationship, true, you should have a discussion like, what are your interests? What do you like, what do you dislike? And it can be so
much fun
too. How many, how many people do we talk to that are like, well, it's the first time you have sex with your partner, is. Everybody. That's like everybody. Yeah. It's awkward because you haven't discussed it. You haven't n
no words have been spoken about sex. And there y'all are with a penis and a vulva. and, and like the most intimate thing that you can do. And here you are and y'all haven't discussed anything.
Yes. You're you're going in blind entirely. Mm-hmm. you're, you're just gonna guess what If they like it there, if they don't
like it. Yeah. We know because we were those people. We have been those people and so, Our sex elevated substantially when we started talking about it. Yeah. We started talking about what we wanted and talking about what we liked and talking about what we fantasized and we go through these conversations honestly, pretty often. Not necessarily like how many times a week. That was just kind of like, yeah,
we'll
do those with check-ins to be like, Hey, how has it changed? What? What are you thinking now? But will you talk. We
do and, and it's important you have to. Here we are again. Like I said, we're 14 years in and this is probably the best relationship time that we've ever experienced. And a lot of that came from doing these like emotional check-ins, doing these sexual check-ins, um, communicating what it is that we want and what we don't want. But I don't give a shit what phase you are in your relat. Talk about it, communicate it as to what you want.
You can fucking get on Pinterest these days and look up sexual wants, like you don't have to create the stuff out of nothing. It's been pre-created for you. You can get this information and y'all can literally sit down together and almost create this like check, no maybe list. And I'm telling you like. That has to be so sexy to do that with someone.
I don't know, because again, we're so far past that in our relationship But to be new with someone, someone that you're just exploring and understanding and to feel safe and say, Hey, let's have this conversation. Yeah. And let's figure it out. What we want, and again, what we're okay with and what we're not. And almost everything in between.
Yeah. So then what happens whenever you find out that you're not sexually compatible with someone?
Are you married? open relationship? No, I'm kidding. Um, but then that becomes even further conversations and you have to figure out a common ground between the two. One cannot be so extreme one way and one be extreme the opposite, and you're, you're gonna have a bad time It's not, it's not going, sorry, the software preference, you're not gonna connect. and if you, again, you've been together for a very long time and you sit down and have this conversation, y'all.
Should at least have a foundation enough to where y'all can work together to make this a cohesive balance. Yes. If y'all are first starting out and, and he says once a month and she says 10 times a day, maybe that's where the date stops.
Maybe it's a, it's of a larger concern than maybe you're giving it credit to.
Yeah. I think that if you're, Married for 15 years and you're deciding that y'all's sexual compatibility isn't where it needs to be. Yes. That's a massive,
well, at that point you can do a lot to work to
change. Exactly. Work to change that. But you can also look early on in a relationship and say, this may be actually be a red flag for me. Yeah, a personal red flag. That I just told homeboy over here that I want sex 15 times a day, and he says he has sex once a month. Maybe we're not gonna actually be compatible, but that's the beauty of it. If you start out early enough and have these conversations and find out your sexual compatibility is just off. Thank God. Right?
Yeah. You just saved yourself,
thank God, Well, we, I, I don't know. I don't know how many times I'm gonna have to make this point. We do it with everything in the relationship. Mm-hmm. we do it with everything. Everything. Well, there's TV shows. You want kids, you don't want kids. Right. Well, we may be compatible
everywhere else, but that's You're Christian. Yeah, but that's I'm serious. Like it. It's one Catholic and Christian. Well, they're not that far off. Catholics are Christians. no, I just meant are we good? How about, that's
true. How about, I'm Christian, you're Jewish. There it is
about you're Jewish. I'm a see why this is not a religious podcast, Oh, no shit. But I'm just saying you're gonna talk about me. That is a thousand percent why I have you. But I thought are you gonna be Republican? Are you gonna be whatever? Right. Like you need to be on the
same page. My, yeah. My point being is that. We, we tell each other that it's important to, to have all of these discussions and to figure out what our views on and, and use that to decide if the relationship is going to be functional or dysfunctional. Yeah. And sex should be right near the top of
that list. I should be fucking one on that list. Okay. Alright. Fine. I'm getting a little mouthy. You are. It's getting late. I'm tired now. I'm mouthy. But it, it is so fucking important and it's, and it, and it needs to be, again, like you, we are lucky. We are very lucky individuals to never have that conversation and then just find out that we were on the same page. But I, yeah. We
stumbled upon the fact that we were sexually compatible. Yeah. And ours, it was just luck. Yeah. And we've evolved over, over many, many years to take on different relationships styles. Mm-hmm. and to have various needs met. And we've gone through periods of that are hugely I'm talking like California drought. And wildfire is in our relationship we have for, don't
gimme that space like a, a free week if that. We I roll For the fans that can't see
we have most definitely had dry snow. We have in our relationship. I know and we've had hard times in our relationship. We have times where would frequency would just drop dramatically. We've also had times where we were having sex seven days a week. Yeah. And multiple times a day and it's gone up and down. So here's a really fun thought. If you find yourself having a massively unpredictable sex life, it's likely due to the fact that you aren't having these conversations in the first place.
Yeah. You ain't communicating. If one day you wake up and realize, oh shit, we've been in a dry spell and we've only had sex once in the last two. It's time for a conversation. Yes. At the same time, that's on the negative side of it. On the positive side of it, if you are finding yourselves in this big wet spell and you're having sex multiple times a day, and it's really good. Then it's also time to have a conversation to figure out what's working so well right now. Why are we like this
and what
changed? And that's also a really good time whenever you are in that heightened spirit mm-hmm. to be like, Hey, um, let's talk about some fantasies we haven't tried yet. True. Because the worst time you could talk about that is during a dry spell. We're not attracted to each other, we're not communicating well. We don't really we're not in on the same page about things. Mm-hmm. that's not a good time to talk about changing things up in the bedroom, bringing in new stuff.
The time to talk about introducing new. Is whenever you're on a high note. Yeah, that's a good, whenever you're
like super. That's a really good
point. Yeah. So you know, that's a really good point. Like you said earlier, don't talk about bringing a third in whenever you're, you know, mad at each other or Yeah. Not communicating well or not being sexual. The time
to do that. Not
the time Hey, we're mad at each other right now. You want some manal right.
Can I do it to you? Yeah. Then I would love to He's got
a lot of pin up anger. You've got a lot of area
of peg. I'm very. Not doing this anymore. difficult questions.
I'm gonna leave all this in there cause I'm hoping we didn't. So for people that don't know,
we just had a, our audio signal drop completely cut out. Everything was gone. And if it lost that entire recording. Like I said, podcast is
done. It did not lose the recording. It maybe lost like a minute or two. You will have to find out. Yeah, so I don't know. Last thing that we had been talking about was how you should ask each other the hard questions. The difficult questions, yeah. Mm-hmm. and there. Difficult questions that you can, most of it can be an exploration though, when you're asking somebody a difficult question that should never be accusatory and it should never be judgmental. Mm-hmm.
it needs to be exploratory and means comfort. I feel statements always I feel statements, but never I feel you. Statements. Yeah.
I feel you're an idiot. Right. That is an inappropriate I feel statement. I feel
like you do this. Yeah. Or it should be like love. I feel like you don't even, I feel way. When this occurs, it doesn't feel like you love me, do you wanna see you naked again? I think the better One of that would be like, I have been feeling unloved. Yeah. Versus, well,
this is how I argue versus how you argue versus, I feel you don't love me, I don't argue. Well, you don't. I do not. I'm like, yeah, fuck you No, I am So, no, that's fairly accurate. You've gotten better. I've gotten so much better through our communication and. Comfortability,
Uhhuh, and, and, and
consensually telling you to fuck off No, I'm just kidding. we gotta stop. We're done. We're gonna stop. We're so done. We're so done. I can't do
this
anymore. All right, well, for another episode of Great episode, by the way. This is good. Oh, come with Casey, we are your host. I'm Dr. Casey Sanders. And I'm Carrie Sanders. Have a nice night.