All right. Welcome to another episode of Come With Casey. I'm Dr. Casey.
And I'm Carries. Yep.
did you, did you need a minute to think about who you were? Just No, cuz you just said, holy shit, who am I?
Normally you say your last name and so it threw me off that you didn't say the last names. So I was like, oh, well then I'm just Carrie, but you don't like when I say just Carrie. So I got thrown off a little bit. But we're good. And here we
are. Don't let my personal preferences, you know,
throw you for a loop. Anyone that has listened to our first season yeah. Has heard you got onto me at least three episodes for. Jess Carey. Really? Yeah.
Well, you'll learn, right?
See, it's all recorded so I can just go back and, and prove you wrong. So anyways,
that's gonna be the best thing. That's, that's stuff that we have in conversation.
So like, oh yeah, you didn't say that. Really? Yeah,
just pull up. It is a good thing that we do have. Uh, proof of certain things that happened because especially if we're like kind of bickering with each other in a fun, playful way and we're like, no, this never happened. We're like, oh yeah, did it not? Ooh. Do we wanna take it that far? Is that where we wanna head today?
Yeah. That does kind of suck on the, on my side of the argument because I never remember shit that I say and then he can just always prove it anyways. Yeah. But welcome to, I tend to remember things. Welcome to our next episode. Welcome to the show. Um, and we actually, we have a lot going on right now and. I mean, not just with the podcast. Um, we are, we're kind of stuck home right now. We are stuck
home with children right now. Oh. Like we are going on, they've been off school since Monday. Monday and today, Monday we
had to pick them up early and then, yeah, today's Wednesday and then, and they're off tomorrow, tomorrow. Um, I'm getting the hell outta here on Friday. I'm so sorry that you might actually be stuck with them again, but I'm getting my ass to work on Friday,
so if you're watching the send help, send help please. We need a care package. We need something to get us through the rest of this week cuz I'm going crazy. Uh, this is some cabin fever shit.
I mean, it's getting there. It is truly, truly getting there.
We are, we are on our way to the Shining right now. We're feeling a little Jackie.
Yeah, I was about to say I'm Jack though. Bull shit.
You gotta find out real quick.
No. So, um, minus our, uh, 2023 Snowmageddon, um, we have a few stuff that we're working. Um, we have an event coming up. Yes, we do. So if you heard our episode with Lee Margot Lee, uh, well I was gonna say Lee because we did talk about it with Lee, but also Margot Well, Margot's
the one running the whole thing. I know, I know.
So very true. Um, but I'll be honest in this like timeframe, I don't know where we're at when it comes to our recordings and when it's been released. I'll be completely. Um, luckily in an upcoming episode, Say, I was like, I mean, have we already discussed it though? Because I have personally talked with Margot, but like, I don't know if our viewers have. Heard that yet. Um, they will. Y'all will.
So, um, if you haven't heard the episode yet about, um, the, uh, shibari with, with Margot, uh, there's an event called Fuse that they put on mm-hmm. Um, this event is a very like, sex positive, focused group of individuals that come together and just really focus. again, exploring centrality. Yeah. And understanding yourself and your sexuality with your partner or just today's time and, and kind of like where we're at. So, uh, we did get invited to the event mm-hmm.
And this is our first like official. a sex positive event. Yeah. That, that we'll be going to. I'm really excited for it. I have no idea what to expect, but that's part of the excitement is just not really knowing. Oh, absolutely. It is. Of course. It's, um, so other than that, uh, we are in February now and we are
doing our February, our February foreplay as live and going. Yep. So if you're, if you're not on the list for that, there's still time to sign up. Yep. It's not too late. It's 14 days of just things, that task that we assign. Um, for you to do with your partner or solo. Mm-hmm. really? You can you
wanna practice a little self-love. Go ahead. Yeah. I don't really see why not. This doesn't necessarily have to be geared towards relationships. Yeah. But, um, so yeah, so we're doing our February foreplay, which I love that you came up with that. Mm-hmm.
Mr. Good with words. That's, that's what I do. It's some benefits of being a songwriter.
See, you are very talented and I'm just funny, you know, that's, that's all you got going for you. I, I'm literally just funny. and I got great tits. But other than that, I'm just funny, you know, no. So we have the event coming up, we're doing the February challenge. Uh, we have a lot of interviews set up. I've really been enjoying these interviews.
They're, it's fun to get, like, we get to sit down with some of these people and like, keep in mind we go into these interviews. With like, we don't do a pre-interview with these people. Yeah. We don't sit back and go, all right, here's the entire episode planned out. We're going to ask you these specific questions and we want specific answers so we can keep things really concise.
We like to have just conversation and we will, we will, while we do like, have a couple of key ideas that we wanna cover, we try to keep it in such a way that is just like informal back and forth conversation with input that is, that is real raw and a. I,
I mean, technically we kind of do that with all of our episodes. Yeah. And that's one of the things that I do really love about us is that, and I think it helps it not feel so structured mm-hmm. is we just kind of sit down and chat sometimes and it turns into an episode. And, um, and the same thing with these people that, that we're interviewing and it's, but it's not just the like deconstructed version that we do. It's also I'm getting a lot of information. Mm-hmm. like, I love how.
that we are learning, and then our viewers are gonna be able to learn because. we are very informative on like what we wanna talk about. Yeah. But there are aspects that maybe we want a different perspective. Um, and so to have these people come on it, it's, it's been great. Um, and I, so far we've got a
lot of, lot of interviews coming
up. There's so many. And it's not just that we have a bunch of people like. Actively trying to get on. Yes,
and the good news on that front is that we have some very high profile characters coming along the way with us. So
you can be, look at, look at us. Damn. Like I, that's just so cool. Who'd have thought? Who would've thought,
you know, we did. That's why, that's why we're doing this in the first place. Very, because we know what the value is.
We do. And we, and we are again, always trying to present it to y'all, like y'all are the audience. And, and this is a hundred percent not, this is 90% for y'all. I'm in a little, this is for us. This is
bullshit. 90 percent's like 70 30. 70 30, yeah. I would call it 70 30. Yeah. We we're doing it for a reason. We like, there's the ability to kind of sit down and provide information that you don't find in a lot of other places, or we'll listen to a podcast on sex and sexuality, and they're either, Um, egocentric. It's the people talking about just themselves the entire time. Yeah. Or it's, or really dry.
Or really dry, or it's just very lecture sounding, or it's single people coming together to give you a real woman, which is
fine, but there wasn't a whole lot. They're
gonna come together and give you relationship advice.
Yeah. Or, or it's just a lot of like dating, which is very beneficial. It's just not necessarily our market.
Right. We do like talking about dating, but we're more geared towards marriage. We're more geared towards. Long-term, let's call it long-term relationships. Yeah. Cause it's not necessarily marriage.
It's, it's really, really not. I mean, as if you're committed with someone and, and y'all are trying to grow together, then this is definitely the podcast for
you. Yeah. And you know us like we're even just the two of us. Mm-hmm. we consider our dating relationship vastly more important than our marriage. in all. Yeah. We celebrate harder on our dating anniversaries than we do our marriage anniversary.
Well, because in all honesty, like dating, I, I think that's also what keeps us like fresh and, and like current with each other. Yeah. Is the dating aspects. Yeah. We try to keep
that view in like right in the center, right? Yeah, absolutely. And that's what we wanna help other people do is so you're not passing that point of we're married, um, I have the thing and now I'm going to just treat it. That's the thing. And there it is. Yeah. Like, like I ha like I have it and I, and yeah. I don't even know the fucking words I'm trying to use right now. It's okay.
Hopefully you're getting the point of what I'm trying to make here is that you lose, people tend to lose the value in their relationship once they cross a threshold of being married for a while. Yeah. That's like, I have it. And uh, they have taken possession of it and they stop caring as much,
which is honestly why this, like February foreplay is so important. Yeah. Because it will help you kind of like reignite anything that you. Like fall fallen off of. Or maybe like kids have made things more difficult, like trust us. We do understand that. Like, again, we've said this a dozen times. We both have businesses, we have kids. Like it's, it's hard, but we choose to make the time Yeah. For, for one another.
So, but in part, in part, our kids drive the conversation that we have on these episodes too. Yeah, absolutely. That's like what we wanted to talk about a little bit. Yes.
Actually,
actually, yeah. So I'm in, I'm in Walmart yesterday. Yeah. Braving the, the thin layer of ice and snow that's on the ground. Yes. And watching all
my husband's Walmart, why I stay with the kids
watching all the fun drivers on the road just sliding about, or like pumping their brakes, doing all sorts of crazy stuff. Yeah. Trying to drive through this. And I'm in line and I watch this little kid who is trying to get their parent, their dad to buy him something, and they're just sitting there like, dad, dad, dad. And trying and trying and like, dad's like maybe mm-hmm. That's his response to every question. Maybe I hate, maybe hate maybe as a kid, right? I hate maybe as
an adult. True. But maybe as a kid you're like, so I'm in limbo now. It's ambiguous,
right? Yeah. So that, that's like the, the first thing I wanna talk about today. Think about the last time that you used or you were told maybe, you know, whenever, whenever we have kids or whatever. You were a kid, you were told maybe for a couple of big reasons. Mm-hmm. um, one is because your parent was trying to, uh, delay the consequence of saying no. Right? Especially if it's a younger kid and they're told no, which now is
a parent. I kind of get it. You're trying to get it
right. Trying get it, but I know that if I tell my kid, no, they're gonna blow up or they're gonna have a tantrum, and then I'm gonna be dealing with this whole other thing. Instead of saying no, I'll say maybe. Yeah. Or they're trying to delay the conversation long enough for the kid to forget. Now we've heard that all the time, right? Like Yeah, we're told that from the time that we're a kid all the way up through adulthood and we start using ourselves. Mm-hmm.
we start using it in our personal lives with friends. You know, Hey, can you come on Friday night? Maybe, maybe I don't have to answer right now. I can delay the conversation. Maybe they'll forget they invited me. That's problem, right? And so you start, but you start using it, and then you start using it in your relationships. And we wanna draw attention to the fact that whenever you're using it in terms of fantasy and kink, it maybe is not such a good thing.
Uh, you should start to recognize when you're using it. Yeah.
Cause it's not, it's not a definite answer. And when you're doing something like this with your partner, there needs to be a definitive yes or no. Yeah. There is.
Being decisive is hugely beneficial in a relationship.
It really is. And especially when you're moving forward with your partner. I'm gonna go on the sexual side of this, but there's also an emotional side of it. Oh, for sure. But on the sexual side of it, a. for me would be a no, maybe is a no. And in that aspect because maybe is not consent. Right. And that is definitely one thing that we wanna like draw.
So, um, if you and I are having this like, discussion and, and I'm telling you I wanna do this act and you present me with a, maybe that doesn't leave me knowing where I stand anymore. Mm-hmm. In this beautiful world of, of consent and consent is such a big word. I feel like that's, like, that should be the word of 2023 is consent. should be the word of every year. I know, but I do love that it, it's, people are more drawn to, to the attention of that word.
Before we would talk about consent, and I mean, people would almost look at me like blankly, you know, like, But now it's starting to like arise a little bit more. Oh, we have a lot
of movements, a lot of activism out there that's like you do. Drawing attention to consent and revocation of consent and everything
about consent. I mean, I remember the last episode we talked about. Um, with one of the girl or that actually interviewed us. Yeah. And when we brought up Oh yeah. Sarah with, uh, Yeah. When we brought up Sex and Bacon revoking consent, she was like, okay. She,
well, she was talking about how the importance of being like, yes, that's a great lens to look at. It is revocation to consent after marriage.
And so again, going back to the, the maybe concept like it, it's just leaving you in limbo in a relationship and, and. Is not super recommended because you're not actually growing at that point when you just toss out a maybe.
Yeah. Because like we said, right. Maybe is going to just delay a conversation and some people, whether they realize it or not, are going to use maybe because it allows them to delay self-reflection. Mm-hmm. and emotional processing. So if you come to me and you're like, Hey listen, I have this new fantasy or this new kink I want to try out and here's what it is. I'm like, yeah, you know, maybe What I've done is because I've become so used to hearing maybe throughout my life mm-hmm.
is now I'm telling myself to delay it. Yeah. I'm, I've used maybe, uh, almost as a, as just as a weapon to be like putting a shield up. Mm-hmm. for myself. So now I'm not emotionally processing what you just said, and I'm not really having any self-reflection about. how know, the, the act could go, so I'm refusing to explore it at that point. I'm delaying it instead of facing it.
What's funny is this like a hypothetical situation you just brought up actually made me feel bad when you said maybe I was like, oh, this is hypothetical. But like it was so funny. Like it kind of brought me back to that like child where I like asked for something and they said maybe, but yeah.
What, this makes no sense. Like,
what do you mean? Maybe like, I know, it's just funny cuz you brought the concept to me at first and I was like, okay. Like I don't really see why that matters, but as you explained it, I was like, oh, it it actually really does. Yeah. Like, and, and I didn't even think about it as like the person saying maybe like, you're putting that on the back burner. Yep. At that
point you're doing it to yourself. Yeah. So you're actually, you're, you're, it's a detri. It's a disservice. Mm-hmm. to yourself, which we all understand. How important are we? Hopefully understand how important self-love and self-identity are. Mm-hmm. So you're, you're telling your brain, forget about it. Delay it. Don't worry about it. Don't think about
it. Well, and then imagine the partner. So then what you have to like, bring it back up, you know, and then that would be uncomfortable for the person that presented something. To their partners. Yeah. And then got 'em maybe. And then now the, as the other partner party, we are like waiting like, yeah. Oh, so now I'm left with this maybe mm-hmm. Concept that I don't have an answer, yes or no. Uh, and so I can definitely see how not being up upright and upfront can really be a detriment too.
y'all growing together and understanding each other
more. Yeah, absolutely. So start recognizing whatever. Start, start. Wow shit. Begin to recognize. Yeah. When you're using something like maybe, and then ask yourself, wait, why am I saying maybe right now? Mm-hmm. Well, if you've just brought something to me or am I'm bringing something to you and it's responded to with a, maybe you, it's important for you to recognize, try to, in that moment that you've just done the very thing we're trying to tell you to move away from.
Yeah. So how can you recognize, well, I've just said, point it out to your partner. Yeah. Like work as a team. Yes.
But to say, I mean, sometimes you have to point something out that I say, cause I'll be like, I don't say that. And then I say it and you point it out and I'm like, fuck. I do
say that. like, Hey, you. Yeah, of course. Do it in, in a, in a nice, non-judgmental, respectful way. Yeah. Hey, you know, I noticed that you just said, you just responded with maybe to this, this fantasy here or kink that I'm having. Does that maybe like, let's dive into why, why are we using BABY right now? Um, is it because you're afraid to say no because you think it might spark conflict? Mm-hmm.
um, is it because easily enough you may not have an answer for it right then and you may want time to reflect on it and which is completely okay. Yeah. So then instead of saying, yeah, maybe say, Hey listen, um, I don't really have an answer right now. I've got a lot going on in my mind or on my plate. Mm-hmm. Let me take some time to really think about that and then let's talk about it on Friday at dinner. Yeah, let's talk about it. Well,
and I like putting a timeline to it too. Yeah. Because as the person say, you know, in this scenario, I or Oppos a want mm-hmm. and then you said, Hey, um, this just isn't really the best time. I would be super respectful of that, and I would totally. Stand. But then I would be like, mm, but then when is it, you know? And so to like put like a timeline to it, I think that's super important.
And also for yourself to give you a chance to, to think about whatever the discussion was and, and then like you said, put mm-hmm. Hey, at this time then, then we, we can, you
know, we, we do it with everything in our lives. like anybody that is successful does that with everything in their life. They schedule times out, they give themselves deadlines, they give themself task lists to dos of everything else. Why the fuck would you not put that into your sex life and your relationship? To me? That's true. Yeah. Sit down with each other and be like, all right, listen, I have this. I wanna discuss with you. You know, this is a big one.
Especially if I, oh my God, our conversation last. Which one? Our conversation about Dom, like, uh, about do sub our conversation about shifting perspectives in our roles in the relationship. Mm-hmm. we had this like, massive conversation last night, which was, which we did. It was super productive and it was fun, but it was one of those ones where like in the moment in my head, I'm like, I, I had need some time to process.
Some,
I'd like to stu him when I say things. Absolutely. Sometimes it is a delivery and most times it's on purpose.
just keeping me on my toes, right? Oh God.
Yeah. I mean, 14 years in. I gotta keep you on your
toes. So we have this conversation last night. If you're okay with me. Oh, I mean, I know we're going here, but let's, let's like gain
some consent first, right? Open book. Yeah. Thank you. Actually, let's, let's do that. We'll gain consent on that. No. Yeah. Let's, let's dive into that. So we were watching, uh, white Lotus, white lotus, um, during our Snowmageddon. Yes. Uh, laying on the couch. Fire blazing blankets, cuddled Cocktails are plenty at this point, and I'm pretty sure I just looked over at you and I was like, pause. Um, I want you to be a dumb
Yeah. Like, that was a, that was in the moment. I was like, wow, that's a big. because it really is, especially cuz A, you're a brat. you're so bratty. But B, because that has not been our traditional relationship structure, it's never been our dynamic. So of course I, I'm meeting that with, whoa, okay. We've been together for 14 years and that is a request to entirely shift the structure, the very. Of the roles that we have in our relationship.
Uhhuh um, I'm not gonna meet that with Baby Yeah, that's, yeah. What I am gonna meet that with is, that's a lot to take in. Uh, let me have some time to think about that and we're gonna circle back around to it on given date. But in all
honesty, like me bringing something up, so like extreme, I do that often. Um, I really do, you know, it keeps toast, makes sense at the time of when it, like, I don't know, but I do that often. and you've never actually made me feel silly for it. No, but, and, and you talk through things really, really well, and in a future episode, we'll let you know how that worked out. Mm-hmm. But I, I
do love that I, I'll be sure to tell her what she can and can't
say Yeah. I don't know if this is gonna work. No, I'm just kidding. There it is. That's the, in a brat. No. Um, but sorry guys. I'm like getting over being sick. but I think it's important to note that, right? Like I came to him last night, I brought up something that I've never brought up before. Um, and you didn't say maybe we kind of discussed it and we, we left it a little bit up in the air and I, I'm sure we're gonna have more discussions on it later. Mm-hmm.
Um, but you need to be able to present a safe. Place for you and your partner to come together and just
we about comfort all the time. It's one of the three Cs, right? So it is. And where were we last night? Comfortable environment. Very comfortable. We're laying on the couch. Mm-hmm. we're sipping on some drinks, watching a TV show that we love, and we're able to just have, uh, an open conversation based upon like the goings, uh, goings on of the day.
Yeah. So like that was brought, but that, the whole point of it being is that if I had met that with, oh, All that's doing is delaying my own self-reflection because I have to figure out how I feel about that. Uh, I have to figure out what that structure would look like. I have to fig, like there's a lot to process on both the physical and emotional level. So I don't wanna meet that with maybe, because now it pushes it back in my mind. What I want to meet that with is, I hear you. Mm-hmm.
um, I, I understand what you're saying.
I, I mean, I'm pretty sure you led with your brat,
How do you do a brat? It's possible. It's entirely possible.
People tame lines for, they can do it, it can happen,
but there's, there's a lot of process there. So again, instead of being met with, maybe it's, it's met. Look, I, I get it. And, uh, let's talk about it further. Um, let's set a time and day that we're gonna get together and we're going to dive further into it. So now I have that deadline in my mind. So, which allows me to go through and do what I do best, which is like research and figuring things out and making a plan. And, and
that's actually what I was just about to say. If you're weighing my options, right, if you're the brat, right. Asking or, uh, you know, proposing. So, understand how your partner accepts things or takes things in. Yeah. Or how they processed us. Yeah. Like that's an important aspect to anytime that you're making an ask for someone is knowing how it's going to be received and respecting that response.
But I do love this message that we're sending out is when you are going through and you are making the ask mm-hmm. and if your partner says maybe. Ask him why The maybe why. Is it a maybe, do you need more time? Yeah. Is it a hard no, but you just don't wanna say it. There are ways that you can kind of get around it if you do get that maybe response.
Yeah. So if, if it was gonna be a no and you're there asking you, are you saying that it's a no? are they uncomfortable with saying no? Are they uncomfortable with being decisive? Mm-hmm. do they feel like it's going to like cause a breakdown in communication if they do provide you with a no to the thing that you're requesting? So that's why we say make it a non-judgmental and uncomfortable space for you to be in. Yeah. So if your partner is like, Hey, listen. Sort of thing really isn't for me.
Um, it's not something that I'm interested in. It's a no from me. They need to be able to feel comfortable to say that. Mm-hmm. then you need to be able to feel comfortable
hearing that Yeah. And receiving that. No. Yeah. That's super important in it because if you don't receive the No, well, you're gonna continue to get babies in the future. Yep.
Because, uh, if, if your partner starts seeing that every time that you're told no. Mm-hmm. is that it is met with a a negative response, they're gonna stop telling you no. Yeah. And they're gonna be like,
uh, maybe. Yeah. And then the, then that baby's gonna come back. Right. Because then you're gonna get the child in the middle of the grocery store kicking and screaming, throwing a fit. And that's what you actually, what we're trying to Yeah. We wanna avoid that. Yeah. We're trying to get away.
You know, Um, so the other big topic that we do wanna go ahead and discuss, and one thing that I wanna bring in, um, I didn't, I, I, I didn't realize how well that maybe conversation was gonna go truthfully. Um, but it's something that I've been talking a lot about with clients and, and just friends. And, um, I, I wanna bring this up, but I'm also wanting to bring this up to get a response from our audience. Oh, absolutely.
So this is, this is gonna be a little bit more like hands on if you will, but I would love to know y'all's. On strip clubs with your partner? Yes. It's been a really big topic lately. It has, hadn't it? I, and I don't know why. I don't know if like all of a sudden, like, or maybe I like, said it to my phone and then my phone started like popping up and showing me everything. But, um, I'm in a, I'm at
night next to your phone, just going strip clubs,
your clubs, which is a funny story. Um, if you have listened in the. Um, I've never been to a club. Carrie
has never been to
a strip club, not once. I tried once long time ago, and they wouldn't let me in. It was two girls. Me and a friend and they're like, you have to be accompanied by a male or you cannot get in, which the,
the times have changed.
It's not his. Yeah. This was like, I swear this was like 15 years ago. maybe even longer. I think I like just turned 18, so this was a long time ago. But yeah, I got told no and so I just actually had never attempted to go back. Um, but I think it's a very interesting topic because I'm in this girl group and it was brought up. Do women in this group think that going to a strip club is cheating?
See, and it's, that's such a good question because the responses are typically going to be very, uh, one-sided and very narrow minded as well. Don't,
uh, yes, there were a lot of that, but it was honestly pretty evened out. I was really surprised because when I, I saw that question and I was like, fuck yes. This is great content. save it for the podcast. Yeah. And so like, I pull it up and I'm, and I'm reading a. And there were definitely a decent amount of women saying, um, no, it's not okay. Now I did go one step further and with going one step further, all the people that said no, I went to their profiles and I looked
doing a little stocking on them, and we're calling
a research. It's just your research research. they were older women. Yeah. So I am curious if that's a little bit more of like a generational thing or like Yeah, like how does
the general public view strip clubs in the first place?
Yeah. Like, and so when I went through and I was looking at a lot and the people were like, no, that's disgusting, that's cheating, blah, blah, blah. Um, it, it was older women and then the younger ones were like, You know, it's not necessarily as bad as people think it is. Um, there was a, a lot of strippers that were, were responding and were like, look, we don't want your man. Yeah. Like, we have no desire for your man. There was one lady that posted, she was like, I was a strip club owner.
Uh, and she goes, and I can tell you out of the 15 years, she goes, not one person started dating their client. Like she goes, that's just not how it is. Um, And so it was a very like, interesting mm-hmm. perspective on, on that end to kind of see like this generational mindset on yes, it's okay. Or like, no, I wouldn't do that.
Um, one unique one that I saw, which I could actually get on board with is one of the ladies was like, well, considering my husband doesn't have a job, And if he's spending my money I'm like, I can understand that one too. Um, but I think as long as there's like that like sense of communication mm-hmm. and giving that consent, yes. You can go and do that. Yeah. And you're having that conversation with your partner.
Yeah. Well, so let's start there. Right. Okay. Let, let's start there. Let's take a step back and look at the conversation as a whole. what ha, what conversations have you and your partner had about a attendance at a strip club, and B, what constitutes cheating in your relationship? Yeah, this, I think that this is such an important topic because I think that people. Have this assumption about what constitutes cheating in a relationship. And they never have the conversation with their partner.
So one party is like, well, I, I would consider having flirtatious online messaging with another person regardless of, of sex re regardless of gender, anything. as cheating. While the other person might say, well, I do that all the time. I never really thought it as cheating. I thought it was just harmless. Yeah, flirtatious conversation.
If you don't have that conversation, you don't establish your ground rules and your boundaries about what you're comfortable with, you aren't gonna ever move forward from that. So the step one in that strip club conversation is to have the larger conversation. Boundaries in the relationship. Yeah. And what the expectations of the relationship are, which is something that should be had earlier on. Yeah, absolutely. As you start to have, let's move into a longer term relationship. Right?
So sitting down with a partner and being like, Hey, let's talk about what we're comfortable with, what we're uncomfortable with, hard limits. Let's get up that. Yes. No, maybe list, not just for sexual acts. Mm-hmm. but. Acts within our relationship. Yeah. Interpersonal communication. Mm-hmm. all that kind of stuff to find out really where we both stand and how we might be able to move forward.
So as like a male perspective, um, how do you view like strip clubs? Like if I went to like a male strip club, because I will say in some, I mean I've never been, but some of the male strip like strippers, I mean they're literally like grabbing these girls and it's very like, they're. Dry humping them and they're like, yeah, I mean I get that strippers are doing the same thing. You know, they're like in, they're like in your face and like popping it.
And I understand that, but I almost feel like there's more physical touch in a male strip club than there is a female. See, I have no
objective data there cuz I've never, I've never been to a male strip club and I, and I refuse to take my ideas from like Magic Mike, so
No, no, no, no. I've seen like videos of girls at strip clubs and, and I've heard, I mean like, Very aggressive, like in your face doing, I mean like in your face helicopter, like all of that. And so helicoptering in your face. All of it. Yeah, just like right around it, you know? But just
all over.
But I am curious though, on your perspective, because I, is it like, when it comes to like the cheating concept, is it. is it sight. Exactly. And that's what you have to kind of understand. Like you can go to a strip club and not get a dance. Yeah. Then is that cheating? Does the dance become cheating? Right. Does the touch become cheating? Does the sing become cheating? Yeah, it's in, it's in the details. It is. And was it the devil's in the details?
Yeah. I mean, isn't, that's super important to sit down and discuss and that's why I love that you brought up the yes no maybe. It could be that like, yes, I'm okay with you going to a strip club. You have a group of
people, you can't get a dance. Yeah. You have a group of people that are going out. Because if, especially if it's coming from someone who has like, never been to a strip club and goes, I, I don't even know what it looks like on the inside. Uh, and you're able to talk to 'em, be like, Hey, look, you're gonna walk inside and there's gonna be a whole bunch of tables. There's like a whole main stage, but there's a whole bunch of tables that are not even near this main stage where you're not being.
No one's clockwork ing you and like forcing your eyes open to stare at naked women, right? Yeah, it's, it is like a club scene, but there just happens to be naked women dancing and that's where the club tend to be a
full right.
You know, so, but my point being is that there's a difference between just sitting in a chair somewhere mm-hmm. where there is naked women dancing or men dancing around you. Mm-hmm. versus actually having somebody sitting on your lap giving you a dance, like putting their tits in your face or, or getting und dressed in in front. You have
to
do this the whole time. like, you have to like, keep your hands up because you're not allowed to touch.
Right. It depends on the club. It depends on where you're
at. I just feel like I'd be like this the
whole time. You know somebody, there's like hands on the lap, No, it depends. It depends on where you go. Look now, I mean, the truth is I haven't been to a strip club since, I mean, since we started dating. Yeah. Right. And so it becomes difficult for me to be like, oh, here is your ABCs. No, we, me and Carrie had a discussion. Yeah. She was like, I don't want you going into a strip club. So I said,
That was a very early on. Yeah. In our relationship. And that's actually interesting cuz it's not one that we've like gotten back into, I think at this point, the only reason I'd be upset if you went to a strip club if I wasn't with, I
was gonna say is if it wasn't
without you, Yeah. That would be the only time I'd be upset and that'd be like, you motherfucker. Yeah. You know you know I've been wanting to go How rude I do have a birthday coming up. I'm just saying that is true. Um, but so I mean, just
take it back to it whenever we're talking. like, what's okay, what's not okay? Just sitting down with your partner and just figuring that out. Um, open-mindedly. Mm-hmm. keep that, that's like the key point there. Open-minded. Now. No, you
never answered my question, do I? How would you feel if I went to a male strip club without you,
without me
No. Uh, would you want to be
with I've never been to a male
strip club. I, that doesn't, I mean, that doesn't matter. You know what goes.
I actually don't, That's, that's, that's what I'm trying to say is I don't I am ignorant.
It's the same fucking thing, isn't it? Girls is. Instead of titties flying, there's dicks flying. It's the same thing.
Maybe, maybe not. Maybe, I don't know. I'm just talking outta my ass. But see that you love doing that
I really do.
So, no, I mean, I would, I would honestly, if you're like, Hey, you wanna go with to go to one, I'd be like, yeah, sure. Do they let guys in? I have no idea. I, I mean, I, I would imagine so. I bet a lot of their income comes from guys. True. That's true. So we don't discriminate against sexuality here. They're gonna start assuming things. That's true. So no, if you, if you asked me to go with you, if you were like, I want you to go with me, yeah. I'd go
like, yes sir. Would you be mad if I got taken on stage? Because you know, they'd pick me
There's the ego there. It's
there. It's there. It's, I'd bat my eyes at them.
No, I think, I think the last time that I went to a strip club that somebody was actually taken on stage was, it was a birthday? Yeah. Or a, no, it wasn't a bachelor party. It was a birthday and it was, I was probably. at the time it was the clubhouse in Dallas. Mm-hmm. And we had somebody taken on stage and they bent him over, paddled him, reached down the back of his pants, grabbed his underwear and ripped them from the back all the way up. Like ripped. I, yes, it would. Wow. Yes, it would.
And and it was paid for. Yeah. You had to pay for it and they'd put them a little birthday. Show on stage.
I don't know. I'm holding my crotch as if I have balls, but like Ow I bet. I mean I bet some guys are super into that though. Yeah, so
I've been, it is funny cuz like as few times as I've been to strip clubs over the years, I've been to like the most extreme. in of a strip club. Yeah. Like I've been to like, oh, this one is a donkey show. No, no, no. But in Panama, If you,
if you don't know what donkey show is, don't look it up. Uh, but
in Panama I went, where'd you go to Panama? No, that was, that was again, eight 20 years old. 21 years old. That was long before you and I I went to Panama with some friends. Yeah. And we went to, we were going to a casino down. And then we were taken to a strip club down there called, it was called, I don't remember what the name it was. Uh, but it was, there was full-on two women had sex on stage. Oh really? Yes. That's weird. It was like everything was normal.
Expect that, I
guess on stage it was like everything was normal. Everything was fine. We had our group with us and then like lights went out and there you could see like people moving around on stage and whenever the lights came back up, it was like a fur rug and a couch. And they proceeded to have an entire show on stage. Hmm. And I remember being, Not expecting that at all. Yeah. And we were kind of like, it wasn't like everybody sitting there going like the, you know, staring in.
It was more of like, oh, okay, that's happening Right. We gonna let that happen. We're gonna, we're just gonna continue our conversation. Like, cheers to you guys like for, for being there, but, We're gonna hang out over here now.
So again, really it's, it is just about like, uh, I love that you brought up the, the checklist because that can really go into every freaking scenario with your partner. Yeah. Um, but I also say like, ladies, if you're uncomfortable with it, lighten up a little bit. Um, you can go or figure out why you're
uncomfortable with it. Exactly.
Have that conversation. Do self exploration. Yeah. I, I I did mean like a, like your own personal, like with yourself. Why am I uncomfortable with it? In the beginning of our relationship, I was uncomfortable with it. Yeah. But that was also because we weren't where we are now. Like, right. I'm comfortable with you. I trust you. So that security was
not established at the
time. It, it wasn't. And, and then there's also this, like something I've never done before, right? Mm-hmm. uh, and I don't know what to expect. It was the same. uh, again, if you've listened to our podcast, it's the same conversation about porn, right? Yeah. Like in the beginning of our relationship. Hard, no. Like, absolutely not. And now, like we send each other porn videos all the time. Yeah. And, and that, but it, it grew.
And, and I will tell you anyone that's listening to this and you think it's a hard no for you. understand how much you can actually grow with your partner. When you start to relinquish some of those, like jealousy or some of those like feelings of the, I don't know, um, once you kind of release that mm-hmm. it really does, you end up
growing with your partner. Oh, it's one of the reasons why I like our dynamic. You're the here's how to do it. And I'm like, the, why do we do it in the first place? Yeah. We don't have that conversation. Yeah. And so my advice on that is to, again, go back to like, well, why do I feel this way in the first place? Mm-hmm.
if my partner's coming to me with something, um, like us going to a strip club or us watching porn together, or even further than that, depending on what the, what the act may be. Yeah. It is super important for you to go back and be like, this makes me uncomfortable. Why does it make me uncomfortable? Why do I have these ideas in my head? About why. Mm-hmm. you know, why I feel this way? Explore them and, and revisit them.
A lot of times we build these core values, these principles, and then we just almost religiously stick to them. We never let them go. We hold on tight and they're so ingrained in us that we never even question them anymore. It becomes dogmatic, and so it's important for you and your relationship when these things are brought to you, is to figure out why. Why do you feel this?
like explore it a little bit further and then just begin to ask yourself, is there, would it be possible for me to change these views? Mm-hmm. um, who can I talk to? What sort of conversations can I have around, around these, these established principles that I have? Um, if I'm open to changing 'em in the first place. Yeah. So let's dive in. Right?
And, and I think it's also really important that maybe the unknown is so severe for you that you can't move past that. I, I would encourage you to go to. See what it's actually about. If you're not ready to go with one, with your partner, have that discussion with them, maybe go, or if, if they allow it at the club, maybe go with like a few of your friends and see what it's about. Yeah. Um, again, I, I have never been, but I have a lot of clients that are strippers. I have clients.
That have gone a thousand times over. I have friends that have, like, I, I've heard so much about it at this point that I don't have such a negative mindset anymore. Um, but I think a lot of it was when I was younger, it was just the unknown. Yeah. I just didn't know. So I
don't know what's gonna happen. Uhuh. Yeah. And we can guarantee that anybody that has that uncomfortable feeling of like, well, I'm afraid that my, my spouse is going to hook up with one of the, yeah. With one of the dancers. That's not gonna happen. Yeah. They don't care about your partner. They care. They care about their, yeah, they care about their wallet, not their heart.
Yeah, like, And, and that's one of the, the awesome things that I talked about that post, um, in the group that I'm in. And, and that was multiple people said that Strippers said that. Mm-hmm. I'm gonna say dancers. I don't wanna keep saying strippers, but dancers said that, uh, a lot of the owners were saying the same thing. They're like, it's just, it's not about that. Like there's almost this like mental, like wall or barrier that goes, it's work between, it is, it's work. It's work.
Like I. Fuck my clients. No, it's the same thing that we hear from, you don't wanna fuck your patients. Like it's not like that. You're just in a different
mindset. It's the same thing that we hear whenever we listen to interviews with like porn stars. Whenever like. It's work. It's work. Like I'm at my job at that point. I'm not sitting here thinking about how much I enjoy this person and the connection that we have. No, they're thinking about like, I'm trying to get paid, um, and this is what I need to do to do that, or this is what I've chosen to do to do
that. I'm pretty sure they're more like, do I have enough glitter on Is this a cute
outfit? I really need to wear some different heels next
time. Yeah. Like they're, they're not thinking about your man, you know? Um, and so I think, again, like what we've been discussing, It's just to have that conversation, even back to the maybe concept. Yeah. It's about having that conversation with your partner, feeling comfortable enough to be able to sit down and, and express the things that you want or the things that you don't want. And then if it is something that you don't want mm-hmm.
and you know that your partner does, then maybe, like you said, do some, do some self-reflection and, and try to like figure out the why. Yeah. Why, why is it a no?
Yeah. You know, that's always my. What's the narrative that you've built for yourself around sex, sexuality, and all these topics and where did like really try to dive into where those ideas came from in the first place? Did they come from your parents? Did they come from your friends? Yeah, it was in childhood. Did they come from your. your church, did they
come from, I mean, mine was a hundred percent my childhood. Like looking back, like the concept of like nudity and women and everything was just like, it was so negative and it took me a lot of like growing and, and realizing and being more comfortable also with it, my own skin. Mm-hmm. to, to kind of like break free from that and, and I strongly encourage anyone to do that. Yeah. It's, it's, it's nice on this. It's, it's fun. There's a lot less stress.
There's a lot less stress on side of things, and it's just, it's a lot more fun when you not, I'm not saying like, yeah, you have to go to strip clubs to have fun, or you have to do these kinky acts to have fun, but when you release this like. Hold that you have on your sexuality. There's so much fun and pleasure that can be had. Oh, for sure. Release the hold. I
thought you were gonna say release the whore.
Well, now I am. No
And if you need to, if you're somebody like me, do some reading on it. Like go find some books. Read, read through like the top of my head. Like ethical slut would be, would be a good one. because you can start to get a, a better view about maybe why people, other people that do not think along the same lines that mm-hmm. perhaps you do make the decisions they make and why their decisions are okay. Why you should maybe, maybe.
Just hold yourself into a certain regard and understand that other people don't hold themselves in that same regard. Yeah. And their bubble is okay. It's fine. Like they're, they're doing no harm. Right. As long as they're not harming the people around them, it's okay.
Unless they have consent. Unless they have consent. Unless they have consent.
Oh Lord. So what else you got today? I mean, we, we we're talking, we're talking about opening up in relationships and conversation. We're talking about strip clubs. Mm-hmm. Oh man. I think this is a good episode, babe.
I think it was good too. Yeah. So, uh, keep following along. Uh, if you can, we would love this whole, what's the thing that you say about you? Not Yeah, about YouTube. Share. Like, subscribe, whatever that thing is. I don't have that down. Subscribe
to our uni, YouTube channel. Make sure you're following us on social media or Instagram. Come with. Uh, ensure that if we are asking questions, we wanna hear from you
guys. Yes. I really want to hear about this topic. I'm not joking. I'm not just saying that. Comment below in, in the section and in the YouTube shit. Yeah. Like, let us know what is your opinion on it, because this is just the first time we're discussing it. We're going to have another discussion after we get some feedback from it. We may even call some people on to be on the show and give their opinion on it. Yes. And
whenever, whenever you're listening and you have a thought in your head, oh, I wonder. X, Y, or Z. You are not the only person wondering about that. I can guarantee you there's many others out there that have the same line of questioning going through their head. So if you're the person that speaks up, it's gonna benefit not only you, but all those other people. So do it for yourself and do it for those around you, the community. And do it for Carrie, apparently Bye.
Last thing that I wanna say is that, um, if you are following us and you want to get on this February, you can go to the link in our bio. Uh, you can fill out the form there. It's never too late. Just because this is day one doesn't mean you can't join on day six, seven, or eight. Yep. And we
can send you all the previous ones too. Yep. If it's something that, that you want. Um, so yeah.
Cool. All right. So for another episode of Come With Casey, I'm Dr. Casey and I'm just Carrie.