My God. Yeah. It's another episode. I know. Here we are. Do we see this? Every time? We You do. It's another episode. You do, do I? You do.
You call me up for it. Cause you, you've been like leading the episodes lately, but it's great. So where I've been
leading the episodes. Yeah. You're just like, I'm taking it over. You mean like before we start, whenever you're like, do you do the intro? Hey,
you did the, that is the only for our guests. That is
not for us. You started off this time. Let's see what happens.
Yeah, and which is why I started off. I know. And then you always lead it with Say it again.
Welcome to another episode of, of Come with Casey. You are. I am your co-host, Dr. Casey Sanders, and I am. Oh, fuck you,
Carrie Sanders.
We're not, that's not the dynamic
we're going for. For, no, it's not. It's not. But we actually have a really cool episode because we have ex like hands-on personal experience. You were gone. I've been
gone. I was outta town for a whole like two days and just, you left me,
you were
gone. You just about lost your shit. Because I was gone for
two days. I didn't lose it, but I didn't find it either. You know? I didn't lose my shit, but I couldn't find my shit. So
I, I spent this last weekend in Colorado with some friends. Mm-hmm. Snowboarding, doing bachelor. Bachelor party. Bachelor party things. Yeah. And it was a fun time. It really was. We didn't get to talk that much. No,
we really didn't. So like when you were like up in the mountain, you apparently had like amusing quotations. He apparently had no service. Oh,
bullshit. What I had was when I was in the cabin service was great. I was on wifi when we were traveling between the cabin and the lifts. Mm-hmm. There was no. What
is the distance between the cabin and the lifts for you and where you stayed at? 20 minutes. Oh, okay. So it's not terrible. No, not at all.
Not terrible. Not at all. Had a great fucking time though. Yeah. Got a snowboard. I haven't been on a snowboard in. Since before we were together. Yeah.
Did it make you feel like a kid again?
It made me feel amazing. Yeah. Mostly because I picked it right back up. Yeah. I went out there with the expectation that I would kind of know what I was doing, but at the same time, I would need to really work and, and relearn
it myself. Like riding that bike. Yes. You know, picking the bike back up.
Yes. First run, hopped on. Had a great time. I failed getting off the chairlift,
actually. And how many times have you fallen off? Said chair. What do you mean? In, in, in your, the duration of your, your snowboarding. I've been snowboarding. It's like a common thing. I've never been, y'all, I have never been snowboarding. Does everyone fall? Is this just what
happened? I've been snowboarding since I was like 10 years old. And how many times have you fallen? I, I don't know. That's over a course of.
Like 25 years. I didn't put the shit to memory. No, I've a so fun fact. I have never been on a mountain. Never. I've never really seen a mountain. No.
We went to Nevada. We were in Las Vegas.
Yeah, I was gonna say I was in Vegas and that's probably the biggest mountain I've ever seen.
Carrie's looking at me going, oh my God,
mountains. It's so pretty. And he is like, that's a hill. That's a hill. I'm like, it's so pretty. I think the other era that we've been was like maybe Arizona, but even then, like it's not a mountain. No, it's not. But that's as close as I've seen. So to never even fucking sing a true mountain to like, A snow drip that you just discussed.
A what? No, no. Let's go, let's go back to that. What was that? You said it's like a snow drip. It's like you're, would you, would you explain to me what a snow drip is, sweetheart?
Yeah. You're like on the mountain. Yeah. And you're ready to like drip into it. And so
this, what, what's it? What is dripping in, you know, I'm intrigued right now because, what do you mean dripping in? Like, jumping in, you know, jumping into what
the. Certainness snow, what you fell off of.
I
don't call that like a drip. No. Oh
no. There's nothing. There's not a, that's not a thing. No. There's, it's not a drip. No. I'll go. So you, you ride up a chair lift. You sit on a chair lift. Yeah. As a snowboarder. You have one foot strapped in and one out of your bindings. Yes. No, just like on the, on, just when you're riding the, the up. Yes. Okay. And then whenever you go to get off the lift, you kind of push and allow yourself to just kind of glide. But you didn't
glide, you
fell. No, I had somebody to the right side of me that was wearing skis, uhhuh, and they, so it's their fault bumped into me. Ah, it's their fault. No, not at all. No. I should be prepared for that kind of stuff and be able to, to adhere to it. Sure. And I immediately fell over. Yeah.
But was it face backside
saw my ass. Aw. But the rule of thumb is everybody gets. Yeah. Right. That's, so I thought, and so yours was the first
one? Yeah, I got
it outta the way early. That's good. That's good. But then I, I immediately I strapped into my board. Mm-hmm. And the rest of the day was just hauling ass down a mountain. That's fun. I had so much fun over two full days of snowboarding, hanging out, uh, drinking. Beaten deer. So
again, ignorant, never been on a mountain. Why do people come back from the mountains and their like lips are like burnt off their face?
Oh, first of all, high altitude, sun sunshine's coming down. You're getting sun. Okay. Uh, other thing is
coming. So like you're like closer to the sun. Yeah. Technically at that point
we were, we were at I think 11,500 feet or so, elevation. Mm-hmm. So there was that, and at the same time you have all this wind hitting. As you're going down the mountains, you're getting wind burned as well.
Well, why didn't you come back? All like wind lips, burn and shit, because I'm smart.
I don't. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I've put on like sunscreen and shit.
Okay. I've just, I've seen people come back and I'm like, it, it's, you know, maybe like march, right? Mm-hmm. And they come back. Off of wherever they came and, and I school, you can like like see the goggles are, yeah. Like I remember being in high school and like literally seeing like a ring around their face that was chopped and none, nothing else on their face was chopped. And me not knowing why it was like that, I was like, what the fuck happened to you?
Yeah. You know, and, and inevitably they were skiing or snowing or whatever the fuck. Yeah. I
said it. I heard you. Okay, you did. But the entire time that I was gone, like we, we. Sure, sure. We text back and forth. Mm-hmm. We had a couple of FaceTime calls and all of that. Yes. But that, that kind of brings us around to what we wanna discuss today on the show. Mm-hmm. Is that we wanna talk about how to have proper communication whenever a spouse is outta town. Mm-hmm. And how to, specifically for people that tend to feel like. Insecure. And this isn't just out of town.
It could be going out for the night. It could be, um, for open couples going out on a date. Yeah. There's, uh, the spectrum is, is very wide and broad. Yeah.
But no matter what it is that you're doing, what we're our, our hope for this episode is to get you to find Fun tactics, ways to be without your partner. Yeah. Because as much as we talk about being together and we talk about being close mm-hmm. And having this communication and, and doing all those things, you also need to know how to be a part. And if you don't know how to be a part, that can actually be super detrimental to a relationship.
Yeah, for sure. Especially like long-term relationships. Mm-hmm. They tend to develop some level of codependency. Yeah. For. That is very low, and they're okay with being away from each other for weeks, months on end if they needed to be. It's not important to them. For others. On the other side of that spectrum, it's somebody that can't even go an hour without. You know, needing to check in without needing seeing where we're check in or need to text.
So it's really, this episode is more about navigating those waters you know, we did that episode on sexual compatibility. Mm-hmm. And finding out like how to have that discussion. So this is more an episode on how to have the discussion around what your needs are. When you're not
around each other. When you're not. Yeah. Which I think is really important because we all have lives, we all have jobs, we all have kids, we all have wants, we all have friends. Mm-hmm. And we cannot spend every waking moment with our partner. Right. And, and some of us, like you and I, I will say we, we do very well spending time together. Mm-hmm. And sometimes it's actually harder to spend time apart. Oh, for sure. And so like you going on this like, guys trip, this.
I will say there was like a level of excitement on my end of like, oh wow, okay. I'm going to do watch this chick flick because he's not here. Which I don't really watch chick flicks. I was just thinking of something that you don't really wanna do that. I'm putting
that around. You're towards like a horror
movie or something? I, I know. I'm just saying This is your time to do something that your partner doesn't necessarily like to do.
Okay, so, so 0.1 there is see this as an opportunity. Yeah. Right? If you are somebody that's in a relationship and your partner goes out for the night or out of town, or whatever it is, If you re, if you remove the yourself from the viewpoint of, oh my God, I'm without, and I don't know what to do. Mm-hmm. View as it, as an op opera, view it as an opportunity to do something that you enjoy doing that maybe your partner hasn't had interest in. Yeah,
because, so one thing for me is, you know, you have an opportunity to work from home and then you travel. Yeah. I, when I'm home, I'm home like you and you're home with people all around me. Yeah. Like I don't get a solo time. Yeah. You, you get to work from home. You have times where you're alone. I'm never alone. You know, I'm, I'm at the salon and I'm with people. I'm at home and I'm with you and the kids. And so there was this like moment when you were gonna be gone.
That I was like, and I was more calculating like, How do I want to spend this alone time? And it did make it feel on my end less like bothersome or worried about what you might be doing it. I wasn't then. Time to like, no, I'm gonna reflect on what is that I want to do? And I'm bringing that up as a point. And as you just said, is whenever your partner's not around, this is a time that you get to do something that you want.
This is a time that you can kind of like separate yourself out and it's the first point that we're bringing up is you, do you. And this time that your partner's gone, it doesn't matter if he's gone for the weekend or they're gone for the weekend or they're just gone for the night. Definitely set out a plan and know it is what that or, or know what it is that you're wanting to do. I knew that one of those nights I was going to watch a movie that you didn't wanna watch.
I was going to take a bath and do my own thing and I was going to, and I was trying to like also find time to that point maybe socialize with someone that I wouldn't normally socialize. So I like started messaging my friend Samantha, like, okay, I'm gonna talk to her now and I'm gonna do this. So it's always about figuring out something outside of the norm that you don't always get to do, and then you do it on one of those nights that they're gonna be gone or the night that they're gonna.
Mm-hmm. Yes. Casey, nothing. I see you. Great explanation. I know. Thank you. That's what I do. So what would you have done? I, I leave, I go out for a girl's night. What is your plan? So this is,
this is part of the relationship that I have struggled with in the past because I am more of a person that whenever, whenever you go. I, I'm almost like, oh, what do I do? Yeah. Because that, like, I, I, part of my identity at home is being with you. Yeah. So therefore, I'm like, all right, me and Carrie are gonna do this tonight. We're gonna hang out, we're gonna, you know, play video games together. Mm-hmm. We're gonna watch a movie together. We're gonna spend time with the kids.
We're gonna take a bath together. Mm-hmm. So as, as a man and part of it, I do become a little bit lost in, wait, what is my identity at home? Yeah. By myself. What should I be
doing today? Yeah. Because during the day, it's work, right? That's not you wor worrying about your identity, that's just you working, right? So
it is, it is that little bit of contemplation. What am I gonna do tonight? So on, on on an ideal night, I would want to find a way to, to busy myself. Mm-hmm. In the best ways that I possibly can. How that may be like it, it kind of varies. I've had times where you've gone out, where I've been like, I'm gonna sit down, I'm gonna watch a movie for a little bit, and then I put on a movie. I'm like, fuck, I don't wanna watch this anymore. I'm 20 minutes in and I'm going, I don't wanna watch this.
Yeah. I turn it off and I change it to something else, or I'll be like, I'm gonna go game for a little while. Mm-hmm. And so I try to do that, and then I'm going, I'm bored immediately, and then I'm right around the house, like, okay, this is just a boring fucking night. I wonder what carrie's
up to are you bored? Because I'm
not there. I have no idea. Yeah. I don't have an answer for that right now.
I mean, and that's fine though. And, and I think it's actually super awesome that you're even bringing that up. Like when we're away from our partner, we don't always know how to be or how to like en engage with our own selves because we get into these routines. Okay. Like I do my job. They do their job. We come home together, we do this together. And you kind of like find yourselves within that pattern.
But the whole point, and what we're trying to bring up is it's very healthy to step outside of that pattern and it's healthy to think about what it is that you want to do by yourself. I mean it, cuz we don't really get that sometimes as a couple, especially like with kids like we. Most of our viewers at this point are married with kids. And if you aren't married with kids, you're still trying to like navigate who you are with this other individual.
And if you can find ways to do something with yourself or entertain yourself or maybe even plan a night with your friends the same time that they're going out and doing something. Yeah.
So with that point, going back to find a way to distract yourself. Yeah. To have some self d.
Okay. Yeah, I think that's super important. And, and also, not only that, but think about like, and you kind of like slightly mentioned or you're like, what if your partner's going on a date? How have you felt in the past when I have gone on a date and then you were like sitting back at home?
That one's a lot harder. I would imagine, yeah. Especially because now you're speaking to an entirely different demographic of people. Sure. Um, so if it is something like more of an open relationship type thing and your partner's out on a date, that one's, that one can be a lot more difficult because you have no idea if you haven't set. The boundaries beforehand. Mm-hmm. Which, that's gonna be kind of the second point we were gonna make. Oh yeah. I was gonna say, we're
just about to talk about that, so that's perfect. Yeah.
Is is to have the, the boundary discussion beforehand. Mm-hmm. And this, this goes both ways with open relationships, close relationships, yeah. All over the place. It is important whenever you are in a relationship and something committed that you have the conversation about like, Is there anything that would make you uncomfortable? Mm-hmm. If I was out doing tonight? Mm-hmm. For some that could be as simple as, would it make you uncomfortable?
If I was talking to someone of the opposite sex mm-hmm. Out at a bar, would it make you uncomfortable? If we were all dancing and I found a group and we were all dancing together, is that something that would make you uncomfortable? Mm-hmm. Is it something I would be interested in doing? So, yeah, setting those, those boundaries is super important.
So would you like set those boundaries, say, Before the outing or Oh yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Where else would you put 'em? Well, cuz I'm like wondering oh, we have these like blanket, like big spectrum boundaries or would you recommend know every visit, every outing almost needs to have their own like unique boundaries.
See, the, the difficulty with that is because you can do the blanket statement. Mm-hmm. Where we have, these are broad boundaries that we have set forth. You can also have micro discussions mm-hmm. Of saying, Hey, I'm going out tonight. Here's who I'm gonna be out with. Normal boundaries. We've already established those. Mm-hmm. You can do a check-in. Yeah. Has any of that changed? Has any, have you sat down and, and said, look I am gonna be going out tonight.
We have previously set the boundary of no. Doing whatever. I can't Sure. Make out with my friends. Yeah. Okay. Is it, do you feel that way? About something like that right now, because I'm feeling a little bit more lively, a little bit more liberated, a little bit more sexual this evening. Would it upset you if I did that?
And I think another good one would be almost like location. Yeah. Um, you are going to, you as Casey, my partner, are going to have probably a little bit more, almost strict boundaries. If I was gonna go out to Dallas, Versus going out to a place that I'm like familiar with. That's not like me popping in nickel City with a close friend. Okay. I'll let you know how we're going. Yeah. Versus me, I'm going out to Dallas. With some friends, right?
There are also like locational boundaries that maybe need to be set or Yeah. Whatever we
talk about, like geography. Mm-hmm. If you're going to somewhere that's, you know, more known mm-hmm. For, for the party scene or anything like that, I personally would feel more comfortable with a check-in. Mm-hmm. Hey, you know, we just got here, here's where we're at. Cool. Hey, we're leaving here like we're headed here next that period check-in of just making sure that everything's safe. Mm-hmm.
You know, and that comes from a place of, it's not a place of mistrust, it's not a place of insecurity. It comes from a place of caring.
Oh, for sure. There is, you don't want anything to
happen to me. Right. Exactly. And that's, I think the big point to get across there is when setting these boundaries is have the discussion beforehand, like we said. Mm-hmm. You have your overarching boundaries that. Help dictate your relationship. Yeah. And then you have these micro discussions that can alter slightly boundaries from time to time.
And then you have the geographic location that's important where you're gonna be, is it somewhere where you're going down the street to have, you know, dinner with a friend? Yeah. Or are you going out to party for a night or are you going to a concert? Are you going out of town? Like
what? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like it, it definitely does determine Where, what the destination could be. Yeah. And, and then to have these conversations with your partner before you go out. Again, if this is just a normal, regular hangout, nothing outside of the ordinary, I doubt you need to sit down and have those check-ins. Yeah. Is it gonna hurt?
No, it's never going to hurt to communicate with your partner more, but if you know that you are the person going out and you know that you're stepping outside of your norm, then yeah, that would be a time to disclose it with your partner. And then just, and then to discuss what boundaries would you have now? Because I'm doing something. Norm. Mm-hmm. It's just communication,
right? We hit on it every fucking episode, all the fucking
times at this point. Yeah. So we've talked about the boundaries, but now I kind of wanna talk about like, what if your partner's going outta town? What are some fun ways that you can engage with them, that you can play with them, that you can communicate with them that doesn't feel so checking in with dad.
Yeah. Or checking, like, that's not what we mean when it comes to going outta town and doing things like you went outta town and we tried to, at that point, schedule out like sexual times oh, for. I knew you actually knew. No. You knew that you were gonna be on the mountain and you weren't gonna have as much communication. I didn't necessarily know this. I've never been so. You were like, Hey, around this time I know I'm gonna be back. Let's try to set up a little mini sexual session.
Yeah, for sure.
So that, that's one of the way that we had discussed, because what I had communicated was that, hey, listen I have a phone that's gonna be in a jacket. I may have service. Yeah. But I have gloves on. I am in like literally flying down a mountain right now. Yeah. I have no way to. Stop and check. See if Carrie Yeah. Be like, Hey sweetheart, what's going on? I can do that when I get to the bottom of runs or, or I'm on a lift or something like that whenever I have good service.
And, you communicating that to me because again, I had never been on a mountain before, but you telling me that, that was super helpful because then I was like, I'm gonna send him this message. And I know from past experience that Casey's super responsive. So I can't expect Casey to be the same responsive Casey when you're on a fucking mountain. Yeah. And had you not communicated that, I think I would've put two and two together.
Still had you not communicated that a fucking known I I would've been upset. Why is he not responding? Like, why is he not? So it's always good to disclose. Not only obviously where you're going cause that'd be weird, but like this is a situation that I'm going to be in when I'm at this place. So instead of being able to just talk and communicate all day, let's set up these like a micro times where we know that we're gonna be able to, to hang out.
And even on like my end of it, when you were like, Hey, I'm not gonna be available. I could just as easily set a timer on my phone or, or an alarm on my phone and been like, Hey, I know that he's gonna be available from this time to this time. So me being your partner and being at home, I can easily make more time to be available for you when I know that you're gonna be available. Yeah.
I got some long-winded answers tonight. I
do. I do. Short
ones. So we're talking about, we're talking about scheduling out play time. Yeah. Whenever we're apart, right? Mm-hmm. So what are some of your favorite ways to play when we're apart?
I mean, it's so easy for me as a female cuz I'm like, titty, shot as shot, you know? And then here you go, here's some stuff. But I think for me also, at the same time, it was all, it was. I really miss you. I wish that you were in bed. I wish that we could be together, miss when you do this, when we are able to be together. So I think like my, my, like starting out stuff was just showing you that I'm here. Mm-hmm. Hey, Love you. Here's a titty shot. Um, hey, I miss you.
Hey, I'm thinking about you. But what would you say as the person that was like on the trip, because you're distracted. I, I, I was at home. I wasn't distracted at all. I think
that's probably the most important note to make of this entire episode. Yeah. If you're the person that's out, you're distracted. It's not that you're distracted in a way that be, be, it's a negative way. It's just you are in, you're doing so. For yourself at that point? Yeah, we are with friends. You're, you're hanging out and that is the inequality that we experience within the relationship. I'm at home, I'm not doing anything. You are out. You're having fun.
You deserve to have that fun and be your own person during that time. That responsibility now falls on me to quell my insecurities or my, whatever I'm feeling at that point. Mm-hmm. Um, so. Having been out and about. My mind was back and forth. Yeah. So it's like, okay, I'm on the lift now, hanging out with friends. I got handed a beer. I'm gonna drink this and hang out and talk with these guys. These are people that I don't really know that well, so I'm getting to know them at that point.
Mm-hmm. Or I'm, like I said, flying down a mountain. Yeah.
The first one, you're, you're also not like on the lift, on the way up, like checking your phone. It's not what you're doing. Right. Like you're in the moment. Right.
The most that that phone usually came out for was. A picture real quick. A quick picture. Yeah. And then it would be, you know, I'd get down to the bottom of the mountain and be like, I'm about text Carrie, see what she's up to. Mm-hmm. And then I, but I also was able to realize, well, you're working so I know that there's your, your mind's not immediately going, where's, where am I doing? Mm-hmm. Where's Casey at? How's he handling things? What's going on there?
But having, being the person outta town, one of the biggest things, one of the most positive things was receiving stuff from you. Mm-hmm. That is like texts. I love you thinking about you. Yeah. Here's my titties.
And you don't find any of that like annoying, like, Ugh, God, or was it like, oh, thank you. I, I enjoy knowing that,
thinking about it. It's for, for me it's absolutely from a place of enjoyment. It is because I know that you're not coming from a place of neediness or like Yeah, it's not from a place of neediness. Yeah. It's not from a place of insecurity. How you feel. I don't know what he is doing. How feel, how would you feel if it was, I would, I would feel fine with it. Uhhuh, as long as that was communicated. Yeah. I'm feeling insecure. What are you up to right now?
I am feeling needy right now and I feel alone right now. Would you mind, you know, talking to me for a few minutes,
so I'm gonna pose. A question, critical thinking. No, it's not really critical thinking, but what if So a situation like this, you're going outta town. This would be the perfect time for, excuse us. Oh, I get a phone call. You have a phone call. Who is it? I second a note. Sales people. I know. I know the usual this late, those bastards. So, We talked about earlier about like setting those pre boundaries to a trip.
Yeah. What if you came to me with this pre boundary, I know I'm not gonna be available on the mountain from this time of this time. And you opened up your phone when you finally could and there was like 30 messages from me. And it was aggressive. Like you aren't, yeah. Like you're not responding. How would you handle that?
You. You know me. The way that I usually handle these kind of things is through discussion. Yeah. It's not through getting mad back, I know that showing aggression in return just makes a situation worse. Especially
with me.
It's just not productive conversation. No, I know. Especially whenever it's, whenever you have one part of that's angry and other emotional thing versus somebody else who's like just entering into this realm. Yeah. My response to that would typically probably be, Hey, Listen, we, we discussed this before. Mm-hmm. I was going to be busy or unavailable for these times. Why don't we get on the phone, we can talk about it. I'll recap what I've been doing for the day. Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry you're feeling the way that you are. Let's
talk, let's, let's iron it out. Yeah. And people, he's not just saying this because he's being recorded. He, that is actually how he handles things. Yeah. Like I can get fucking pissy. And you actually do a really good job of. Kind of like dialing it back and no, let's bring us back outside of madness and just into, it's that
under, well, it's that understanding that like responding to anger with anger doesn't fucking do anything. No, it doesn't. It does nothing. Now, if it's gonna, if you were like, well, it's gonna make me feel good to further insult this person after they've already insulted me. You probably should realign your relationship. Yeah. Because at that point, you're in a relationship where you care more about the way that you feel in the moment, like what
you're gaining Yeah. Versus what you're like growing from or
learning. Right. Because you both could stand to gain. Yeah. If you try to get on the same page, if you're going into it with just wanting to get mad at the person. You're not gaining anything in the relationship. You're gaining something selfishly.
Yeah. And, and what's great about what you're saying is this doesn't matter if you're gone for a week, you're gone for a day, you're gone for an hour. If you can't communicate, In that way or in at that level, or to be on that same page. It, it can be huge detriment to any relationship. Yeah. And that comes
back to, it comes full circle around to that conversational of, of, of conversation. Mm-hmm. Of compatibility in your relationship. Yeah. On a, an unemotional level, are you someone that is completely okay with going off the grid and not talking to your significant other for. Hours. Yeah. Days,
hours, days, weeks, whatever it is. Yeah. Or,
and is your partner somebody that needs that attention, that needs that kind of reassurance? Mm-hmm. And where can you kind of meet in the middle? Are you working to meet in the middle or are you being. You know, isolating yourself and saying, well, you need to come to my end. Yeah. And if I don't want to talk to you for a day or two days while I'm off doing this, then that's just the way it has to be. Well, now you're entering into a whole realm of shit. Yeah. In your relationship.
Yeah. I mean, we actually got lucky. We got lucky that we are both, I, I would say we're bothy needy. Yeah. We're both fucking. We love, but we love talking to each other. No. And we do, but our neediness has always been our, one of our most respected understandings. Yeah. Between one another is I want to talk to you. I don't, I I need to. I do. I, at this point in our relationship and where we're at, I fucking need it. If I don't get it, I get fucking fussy.
But you also want to, I want to, and then you being on this trip, you let me know. And that was really helpful, honestly, you let me know, Hey, these are the times that I'm probably gonna be able to talk. These are the times I'm not gonna be able to talk. Let's fucking take a flashback to when you went to, where the hell did you go? El Salvador. And El and El Salvador. And we didn't talk the whole goddamn time and I didn't know that was gonna happen. And you were gone for a week?
Yeah. Oh my God. I was so fussy. I was pissed. Let's, I was so pissed. Let's.
That was, that was what, like 10 years ago? Oh, it was so long ago. It's nine, 10 years ago. Yeah. And I, I was going on a trip to El Salvador with a group Uhhuh, and I didn't even know this. I thought you didn't. I thought we were gonna go out there and I was gonna have cell service and it was gonna be fine. And we'll be okay and it'll be great. Come to find out. The only time I had service. In our hotel,
which you weren't even in your fucking hotel. You were in the hallway. I was in the hallway. Outside the room. You were in the hallway of the hotel.
Come to find out that. The only time I got actual service was in the hallway outside of my room. Mm-hmm. So if I was downstairs at the hotel, like bar area with all of our group of, you know, 15 people mm-hmm. No service. If I was out at my work site, which was at, at like right near the border of El Salvador and Honduras, absolutely no service, no service.
The only singular place I got it was outside of that hotel room, and so I would have to be like in the hallway, crouched down on the floor, sitting down, calling Carrie, and even then it was a shoddy connection.
Oh, the calls were stupid. I just remember getting more mad. Yeah. At the fucking phone calls. I'm like, huh. The, but the, uh, hello. And then I'm like, fuck this, fuck this. I don't even care. No, but, and, but that was one of those things that like, and, and we didn't know. And, and this is no fault and it doesn't matter. We're not pointing blame. It was just, we don't, we didn't know. Yeah. And so me. Ex having these expectations or again, taking me out of the equation.
Any partner having these expectations. When you put these expectations into a night and it doesn't go, or a week or however the fucking long, and it doesn't go the way that you set it up, that is where confrontation can a hundred percent
happen. Because understand that you likely both have two separate expectations of how this is gonna go. And yeah, if you don't discuss, one person's expect. Versus another person's expectations mm-hmm. In order to create shared expectations. Yeah. You're fucking up. Yeah.
And, and it, and it's very important to talk about those things and then fucking honor them because I will, anyone, I feel like, honestly, would be more upset if we sat down and talked about those boundaries and then it didn't happen. Yeah. Almost more than. Aloof and not having any idea. Well, yeah.
And this is gonna, this is gonna be on like the argumentative side about how you can have productive arguments. Mm-hmm. Arguments happen. We want to, we wanna help people to, to have productive arguments and be able to argue in a way that that is growth. Whenever you're discussing this, these issues with a person, it does give you some weight to it. Because a lot of arguments are like, well, you said this. No, you said this. We disagree on this.
If y'all can agree on it together, those preset boundaries, if one of you crosses those boundaries, the other person does then have the ability to come through and not begrudgingly, not aggressively, but as a reminder to say, look, hey, we set these boundaries. We discussed them. Mm-hmm. I know because you were there and I was there and we set them in stone. Yeah. And now you are crossing a boundary. You are in the wrong. And we need to talk about
that. Yes. Because, but both partners need to be able to do that for one another and then also own it for yourself because you're gonna grow through that. Yeah. If you are presented that problem and then you backtrack. No, I didn't. No I didn't. No, I didn't say that. Like, you're not growing any, you're not helping the the situ. Your fault? Yes. Like own it up. Just fucking own it. Okay. You're right. I was being a bit of a brat. I said I won it, but here I am being a brat.
And, but it just, it also validates the, the situation at hand. And sometimes what people need to realize is the thing that they're the most upset about is just wanting to be with that partner. We are all our own people, and it is crucial and it is very important to step outside of your relationship. No matter if it is for a few hours or for a day or for a week or whatever the case may be. It's very important to have that alone time and then for your partner to have that time away.
Yeah, you need alone time. Yeah. Your partner needs to fuck off. Uhhuh. We need to fuck off. We cannot be up each other's ass all day every day. It's very important. There are so many fucking girls that I talk to that they're like, no, nothing is going to happen from having time apart.
You hope not. Everyone hopes not well. Yeah. Everyone hopes, hope not would predict what's gonna happen. Well, yeah, but if you can create security and trust within your relationship, then you don't have to worry so much that somebody's gonna happen. Mm-hmm. I think one of the biggest life lessons I've ever learned out of all of my relationships, including my relationship with you, is that principle of you have to allow someone the ability to fuck up. Yeah. Um, people do fuck up, it happens.
But if you are someone that tries to control whether that occurs to you or not, you are already red flagging your own relationship.
Yeah. Then you're the fuck up because you're not allowing or not allowing a fuck up to happen, but you're assuming that a fuck up could happen. Yeah. And you
try to, you try to do your best to get in front of it by controlling the situation. Mm-hmm. But all you're doing is you're creating an isolated experience for yourself. You're pushing someone away in doing that. If you can't allow yourself to trust someone, if you can't allow yourself. Have them be their own. Like they're, you're not really creating a, a productive relationship. You're creating a very manipulative relationship. You're creating a very self-centered relationship. Mm-hmm.
And you're, and one
that evolves around you. I mean, I guess that's self-centered. Yeah. But it's just, you're, you're creating something to fit, to fit your narrative. Yeah. And, and that's kind of controlling in a sense. Yeah. Like you can't do that.
It's very controlling. Yeah. Even whenever you're doing it, if you think that you're the person that's I'm, oh, no, I'm, I don't control things. I don't. Yet, I'm the person trying to dictate what my partner wears. I'm the person that's trying to dictate, you know, when they go out, when they don't go out, who they're with. I'm forcing my opinions on them and about their, their friends or anything else. You trust them if you love them.
If you want the best for them, you need to just kinda let go, take step. Let them be them, not gonna be like they're gonna be them. Mm-hmm. Um, if they fuck up, I will handle it accordingly, based upon what I've decided for myself. Yeah. But.
But not assuming the worst. Yeah, and I think that that's kind of what ended up happening. When you're the partner sitting back at home, your brain turns and you can assume the worst. Yeah. That's why we go back to the first thing that we said. Give yourself something to do. Distract yourself. Give yourself, don't fucking scroll. What did you called earlier? Doom? Scrolling dooms. Don't do that.
All you're doing is just not helpful. Going to, from video to video. Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. And your mind's racing. Yeah. I wonder what my partner's doing. I wonder if they're talking to anybody. I wonder if they're, you know, starting to feel emotions. I wonder if they're feeling sexual tonight. I wonder if they're mm-hmm. Like, you gotta let that kind of stuff go and it can be difficult. It really, really can.
Uh, especially, yeah. We're not downplaying the things that we're saying that you need to do. It's just, we're not wrong. You need to do. So, yeah, so that's my question for you. Was there a point at any of this that. You felt insecure being the person
out? Most of what I felt was entertainment from being on the
I fucking bet, man.
No, I, I honestly, yes. Yeah. But you didn't have any really big plans over Yeah, I wasn't, it was more along the lines of like, I'm getting off work. I'm gonna go have a drink with a friend. Yeah, that's
fine. I did go out one night and, and I had a great time, but I did only go out that one night and then the other night. Next
night it was like, I'm gonna make myself dinner and I'm gonna have a bath and I'm hanging out with the kids. Like, yeah, there's nothing to really be insecure about. Most of what I was concentrated on was having fun on the mountain. Yeah, that's And getting some That's really, really terrible. Sleep on a fold out couch.
Yeah. There was one point I messaged you at what night was that? Was 3:00 AM on Saturday. Saturday night. I messaged at like 3:00 AM and I was like, what's up? Like
you up? It was immediate message back too, like, yeah, I
know. I was like, wow. I cannot believe you. Me, I can't sleep. Why didn't you message me first? Well, no, I just turned my phone on. I just turned my phone. At that point, my phone had been dead. My
assumption is it's 3:00 AM You're sleeping like you're not awake. Yeah. I'm not going to message you if I feel like you're probably asleep.
I mean, you also know my phone's never on though. Yeah, I don't. I don't play that game. Ain't no one waking me up and I don't want to be woken. Shit. But I know, and, and I think that we handled it well, but again, there's, there's steps that you need to take if your partner's going out. Yeah, those
are some really, really basic ones. They're very, very basic. Right. Have the, have the boundary conversation beforehand. Have something to do. Distract yourself in some way, shape or form. Don't be jelly and and lastly, you can really discuss it afterwards too. Mm-hmm. How'd you feel? How'd you feel about tonight? Yeah. I mean, wait until the next day. If your partner, if your partner's somebody that's going out and like maybe they're drinking or something.
Yeah. Don't, maybe don't have the conversation. Then as soon
as they walk in, you sit on the couch waiting for them with the checklist of everything they didn't do. Don't do that. I picture the
1970s mom in like a bathrobe sitting on the couch. Light comes on. It's like the dead thing on. Yeah. A head wrap going on. Yeah. Where have you.
So let's talk about all the things you didn't do tonight.
Oh, that actually brings up a good point though. Oh. And one that you have violated in the fact,
oh, shit. Is it the not texting enough times? No, no,
it's, no, it's like the, it's the yeah, we're about to leave. Oh,
I'm so bad at that. I can never say when I'm about to leave. I misjudged that time more
than anything. I will get a text that's like, I'll, I'll send a text that's like at like noon or noon at like 1130, midnight. It's like, what are y'all up to? Oh yeah. We're actually closing out right now. We're about to leave. Great. It's all about to leave like an hour and a half later. 2:00 AM Where? Where you at? What's going on? Oh, we're about to leave.
We're still about to leave. I can never gauge and I, that's actually, I love that you bring that up because that's one that I'm like, okay, don't ever fucking say it. Yes. Because I
don't know. But that's been our established boundary that we have now. Yes. Is yes. I'm not going to. What time are you gonna leave? I'm not gonna ask any of that. And you're not gonna say something along the lines of like, we're just waiting here to check. Now, if you are actually in the act of leaving, that's a great time to send a text. Hey, we're, we're taking off now,
but true. But my biggest thing too is like, I won't tell you when I'm leaving, but I will call you as soon as I get in my car. That is the first thing I do is I'm like, okay, and now I'm gonna call Casey. I'm buckled and I'm calling Casey, and, and it's a scary call sometimes. Don't sound drunk. How are you?
Haven't spoken to you in a few hours. What are you doing? And half that time I'm like, already in bed, half asleep. You and most times you wanna go. I am. I I can never really like go to sleep. No. If you're not there you can't. But, uh, because. It's just a, it's a safety thing with me. Yeah. It's like I, I've gotta make sure that you're on your way home and you're safe. I, I'll just pop on a movie and I'm just sitting there wide awake. Okay. Yeah, she's out. She's having fun. It's cool.
I'm just gonna wait,
but I did definitely learn to stop telling you that we're closing
out. Yeah, yeah. Closing out right now, an hour and a half later, two hours. Oh, we're just now
leaving the server. I don't know where the server went, but they haven't
been back. They never brought our check bullshit. That's. But we get, we at least get to have those discussions. We do. And we get to laugh about 'em now. Mm-hmm.
But, I like what you're saying though, is, is having that check that like nightly check in. But yeah, if your partner's coming home and they've been drinking, don't drink and drive. If they have been, then wait till tomorrow to do that, that check-in. But it is good to do that, not discussion, but its good to do that. I think that's a very, very important. Technically we'll probably do that after this. Yeah. Is to have a little check-in after
your trip. Yeah. What we usually do is that you'll come home and I'll if mm-hmm. I won't really say much, you'll tell me about your night. Yeah. Voluntarily most of the time, like, here's what we did, we went here, we had a great time. I talked with these people. It was so amazing. Had so much fun. And you always get a know, gave this
guy my number. It was great. A hundred percent dance on this guy Flash. No, but like, it's funny cuz to me, I always remember. Day. Yeah. Like the first day it's like rough draft. Yeah. And then like the final copy is due the next day. Really. But it's good to, to do that. It's good to bring them into the night that you had even though they weren't there. Yeah. You know? And I feel like that makes you feel better tonight.
Yeah. Especially like a, as the partner, it, it makes you feel like you're being shared with, you are being like kind of invited into the, to the world of just kind of being out. Mm-hmm. And yeah, it's a bit reassuring for. Has those sort of feelings, those little bit of feelings of being left out or FOMO or whatever you wanna call it. Mm-hmm.
And um, right now, if you are a partner that does not let your partner go out, that is your problem, not theirs. Yes. That is a hundred percent on you and you are not, you not allowing your partner to express their happiness through not being around you is your problem, not
theirs. Yeah. Do a, make an attempt not to force your. Onto them and to F like suppress their identity for your own selfish needs. Yeah. If you're in that relationship and you are the partner that's like, wait a minute, that sounds like my partner.
Then maybe have a conversation to this episode and then maybe have a very serious conversation. Yes, because no one should feel trapped in the relationship that they're in. There should be freedom, there should be joy. There should be a lot of things outside of your. And if you do those things, then you need to reevaluate your
relationships. Successful relationships are built off of self-identity. You fell in love with a person that was their own person. One of the reasons you fall out of love is because they lose their identity. Mm-hmm. Based upon the choices that you both make within the relationship. So if you're wondering why you don't feel the love that you have for that person anymore, one of the big things to ask yourself is well wait.
Are they still their own person or have we melded together in this mushy, in this weird
fusion thing of shit that we're not understanding anymore? So
reclaim like helping your partner reclaim their identity as well as maintaining your own identity is imperative to a, uh, to a success relationship. Cool. So
sweet. Another episode of come with Casey.
We're learning. We're learning day by day. Right. This was great. Awesome. I think it was a good message. So yes, for another episode to come with Casey. I am Dr. Casey Sanders.
And I am Carrie Sanders. Good night. Thank you