[instrumental intro music, upbeat with trills and bells
Music Credit: Ketsa, “Day Trips”]
Holly 00:30
Hey everyone. How are you? I'm so excited to be talking with you. It's pretty late in the afternoon on this very grey and very cold Sunday afternoon. it's been a bit. I am [frustrated sigh and pause] a little bit out of practice and I'll be honest, I've been depressed.
Holly 00:54
I think the theme for today's podcast is going to be sleeve island. That's what I feel like; I feel like I'm on sleeve island. If you're not a knitter, sleeve island is when you're almost finished a sweater and you just have the sleeves to go. But it's just… you feel like you're stranded on an island because it takes forever to finish the sleeves. You're both so close to the finished object and yet so far away from being done and that's where I'm at. [laughter]
Holly 01:29
As I said before in my last podcast, I think I was still stuck in the December mood. It just really didn't feel like anything had changed with the new year and so I was still plowing away Christmas sweater. It's a really bright color (red!) so it hasn't been annoying me but it's a fingering weight sweater and even though it's bracelet-length sleeves, they're pretty long. There's a lot of short row shaping and there's just there's a lot going on with these sleeves. And I know that if I put it aside I probably won't remember what to do so I've been pushing ahead on them. And then I also cast on a pair of socks that were based on these really cool Prada socks with an intarsia cable going down the front. They're really fun, too, but they're a pain in the butt to knit. Intarsia is a pain in the butt! So in general my knitting is pretty much mirroring my mood, which is just a general low-level annoyance that I'm stuck in these hard projects.
Holly 02:41
I know they are worth the time and energy but I'm just really struggling with motivation. I’m feeling very depressed. It’s January; it's cold. You know there was the elation of the inauguration, which was really fun to see, and it was so great that everything happened peacefully, which I know that's an outside issue but as somebody who lives close to DC and I just was so relieved. Wednesday was such a high point, but then you know there’s still this horrible pandemic and I just feel like I'm stuck. I'm stuck on sleeve island. I'm stuck in this sweater. I'm stuck with these socks. I'm stuck with a hard work project. I'm just stuck. I can't quite move forward with my separation and I can't quite move forward with this other outside issue that is pressing and has been stressing me out since late October, which is about my child. It's just hard.
I think it's depression. All the ways in which I've been trying to motivate myself just seem to get harder and harder each week. I know that this is a season. [laughter]. I know…[laughter] I know I don't really hate this sweater. It just feels like I do. [laughter]. And so that's where I'm at. I'm really just in bleak January land.
Holly 04:11
I'm hoping that I will finish up the sweater soon. I finished the one sleeve and I would say that I am about 30% done on the other sleeve. So, you know, the end's in sight. I am hoping that a little bit of progress every day, I mean, a little bit of attention everyday will yield progress. I'm using that approach with work and I'm using that approach with household chores and my kids and homework and all of the good things that I know in recovery. But again [laughter] my mood is grumpy. I'm sick of this. I've got cabin fever. I just want something to change [laughter] and I almost don't even care what it is. [laughing]
Holly 04:56
But of course this is one of the tools of recovery is to know that I need to, you know, don't just do something sit there. [frustrated sigh] and oh boy, that's hard. I'm lucky enough that I'm not living with active addiction and so the peaceful moments are part of what I need to learn how to deal with. I need to handle my moods when there isn't a pressing crisis and to feel my feelings, my frustration. Right now it's feelings of frustration.
Holly 05:29
I’m frustrated I'm just still where I am at. Things that I think should have happened sooner haven't and I can't really control them. I can't do anything. I've just got to sit here and keep finding ways to keep working towards recovery, towards, you know, my health, and also towards finishing this stinking sweater! [laughter]
Holly 05:55
So that's where I'm at. It’s really it's going [sigh] to be a quick one today but I want to try and keep this positive because I feel like if I let my mood dwell I'm just going to get overwhelmed. But I hope that you are well. I want to thank you all for tuning in. It really means so much to me and I hope that you're well.
Holly 06:17
I'll just end by saying that I know moods can be contagious and I'm sure you are turning to podcasts to find some company or some distraction from some of the things that you've got going on so I don't I don't want to be a bummer. So again like anything you know I'm not speaking as an official of somebody in recovery. I'm just sharing my own personal story of strength, hope and recovery and I am wishing you all the best.
Holly 06:49
I hope that you've got some beautiful materials and I hope they’re brightly colored because these January blues are rough, at least where I'm at in the Northern Hemisphere and the Western Hemisphere. January is no joke. Anyway I hope you're warm, that you have colorful yarn to surround you with or at least some really interesting projects that are not leaving you bummed out on sleeve island. And if you are bummed out on sleeve Island like I am, I hope that we both can see our way to the finish line. It's there! we've just got to keep going, you know, one row at a time.
Holly 07:26
Take care, friends. Bye!
Music Outro [instrumental upbeat music with trills and bells]