Holly 00:32-00:34
Hi I hope you're well.
Holly 00:35
I am writing or talking to you right now on Sunday afternoon. It's been two weeks I think and I am hoping to sneak this in today. I’m feeling a little bit tired and I'm sure you all are too; this is like a tough moment right now wherever you are in the world and it's tough both for the obvious reasons of the election looming and all the added stress that that's adding to the news cycle and then also of course because of my family's history with addiction. But then also just personally things have been trying. Something traumatic happened and it's not related directly to addiction but I do feel like my recovery is front and center in how I am handling it. And so that’s what I wanted to talk about today.
Holly 01:41
I was going to talk about this episode as outside issues because of course there are outside issues that affect us and that connect to the issues of addiction but that are not central to it. And I know I've talked about this already with tradition 10, which is a tradition that's really about making sure that Al-Anon and other 12-step groups keep a singular focus and that is to help families with addiction.
Holly 02:18
But I wanted to talk about outside issues from a different angle this week so I'll just begin by saying so much for joining me really means a lot to me that you're here and that you're willing to listen to me think through these issues out loud and obviously I am speaking here about my own personal experience and I'm sharing what I hope is an experience of strength and hope with you in a way that's helpful but that is of course I'm in no way shape or form directly related to Al-Anon because of course Al-Anon and other 12-step groups have no opinion on outside issues and the purpose of that as I understand it is to make sure that public controversy about money, power, prestige doesn't get in the way of that spiritual purpose, which is to help families deal with addiction and as the preamble usually says it is a unique experience and calls for a unique perspective.
Holly 03:28
I am as I said I'm dealing with an outside issue and it's really hard and it's really challenging and like most of those it's activating me. It's activating all of my coping strategies that are linked to unhealthy habits my people pleasing my desire and need to resolve situations quickly my inability to be uncomfortable and my obsession with controlling other behaviors and other outcomes and other people spots even about me and my family. And that does not allow me to deal with the issue that I'm facing. Addiction of course is interconnected to it; it makes some of these issues much more challenging and yet it's not the primary focus right now and that feels really strange after having it be the primary focus for so long in my recovery of something that I've been thinking about that I've been journaling, writing, and working about and going to meetings and really pushing myself to change those codependent habits in my relationship to my husband (we’re separated) and who suffers from alcohol addiction and it feels really strange. It's been kind of like a lightning bolt allowing me to see things much more clearly; see my own challenges and see my own role in the family disease much more clearly.
Holly 05:15
And what I'm seeing is people-pleasing; just a real, profound, deeply rooted trauma response to outside issues and that is to really worry about what the other people are feeling or thinking and what the consequences are going to be for them even before my own safety and the safety of my family is a place what's good about this moment if there's anything that's good about this moment is that it is allowing me an opportunity--it has provided me an opportunity--to flex new muscle that I have been practicing in Al-Anon in recovery for a very long time, which is being comfortable with discomfort, which is not reacting and also allowing things to unfold in a way that I am not necessarily in control of but that I am in charge and empowered within. So it's not an immediate result that I’m after but what I'm after instead is the best result, ie. the one that is going to ensure that my family and I are safe.
Holly 06:32
That's really hard right now and (nervous laughter) the other outside issues are making things much more challenging for me and my desire to be like at all costs even when I'm in harm's way is something that is profound and I'm really struggling to change these habits in this moment. So I wanted to join you all here and talk a little bit about outside issues for this reason. That this isn't my primary focus here that I have other places that I can think through but what I'm finding is that Al-Anon is an indispensable tool in these moments because it allows me to practice those skills of listening, of being activated by something someone says and not responding, and also allowing me to put the focus on myself in that one hour or in the moments where I'm working my program so that when I need to I can turn my full attention to that outside issue and respond appropriately and not in a reactive and an addictive or codependent way.
Holly 07:55
That is something that's really powerful I think and that I'm learning is the benefit of therapy, of going to meetings even when I don't want to, or when it feel like my week is too busy, or you know all those obstacles that I have in my head that keep me from doing the work of recovery.I need those now and I'm glad I've been spending so much time (laughter) because I need every single drop of recovery that I have available to me right now so I've been going to extra meetings--I’ve been going to meetings everyday online. I have been listening to every kind of podcasts I can on people-pleasing and there are some good ones out there! (I really recommend the episode of NPR life hacks with Natalie Lue of Baggage Reclaimed. She has one episode that’s like 20 minutes on how to change the habit of people-pleasing with some really powerful takeaways). t I've been working this week so that I can really change this aspect of myself so that I can be okay with people not liking me and be okay with outcomes that are challenging and unresolved and be okay and be safe and putting my own needs and the needs of my family first.
Holly 09:30
What does this have to do with knitting? Not much. (laughter). But what I've realized is that knitting of course is a place for me to practice that as well--in frogging, in focusing attention on wips (sarcastic laughter), on making choices about yarn and patterns, and what's going to make me happy in that moment or what's going to frustrate me. Knitting also allows me to practice recovery daily so that in these moments I can change my response.
Holly 10:15
And I'll be honest mostly knitting's just been giving me a whole heck of a lot of comfort this week. I have really been, as I said, awakened and looking around the house and seeing what needs to be done both metaphorically but also literally. I feel like I've been in a kind of covid-19; I haven't been feeling well-- it’s a cold not covid--but I have been sort of just in that malaise and had this sense of drift. My kids are going to be in online school now it looks like it's at least early February and the knowledge of that just sort of took whatever wind i had out of my sails. I look back at the summer as this kind of lovely time period, which I know it wasn't but now I just feel like oh my gosh it's getting colder. I've just feel like I've been in a bit of a depressive funk and what this heightened moment personally allowed me to do it's just you know shake off the cobwebs and clear my focus and to see what's really really important and what's right in front of me.
Holly 11:20
Do I need to be distracted by beautiful new yarn and expensive projects and people posting things or holiday gift exchanges or whatever you know that new shiny thing is online that I want to lose myself in? No! What do I need to do? I need to deal with the piles right in front of me of yarn, unfinished projects, of laundry (laughter), work projects, household projects, of my kids schooling. I need to focus. I need to get clarity. I need to be an adult and a grown up and face hard things and live in in uncertainty without succumbing to anxiety or depression or, most importantly, magical thinking-- that magical thinking that just saturates anybody who loves or struggles with addiction. You know that wishful thinking if only we could feel like (I'm going to do that Kim Kardashian meme) if only we could pretend things were normal for 2 weeks and you know there's a temptation in that. That is the short-term quick fix. But I don't want to do that right now. I want to do the next right thing and, after that, the next right thing and I want to be strong and present and taking care of myself.
holly 12:52
So I am so happy that I'm not done my Oswalt shawl but I'm still doing my making marls project. It is really turning out; it's really pretty. it's also a beast. It starts at the small triangle end and gets wider as it goes along so I'm really at the widest part of it. I have I think one more color repeat after this one so I have to finish this one. Each color is like I want to say like 12 rows of repeats; and you do that four times and then you change color so I have a good bit of knitting ahead of me but not a lot and it's almost finished and I'm just happy right now that I can sink into that project without needing to spend mental energy on casting on a new project.
Holly 13:50
I've been finishing my dumpster fire ornament, which I'll be honest with you feels out of sync with where I'm at. The dumpster fire jokiness of that ornament is just landing in the wrong way this week. I'm in a real crisis and it’s really scary and even laughing about it in this kind of silly way just doesn't quite do justice to what I'm experiencing and I know that'll change so I'm finishing it. But it's fussy. I have to weave in a billion ends. I had to sew duplicate stitches for embroidery-- let me tell you I do not enjoy that! Good to know and good to learn! I have one more to sew together but I'm happy I'm finishing that! I am also working on a sewing project and taking my time with it, lots of hand finishing because, again, I'm not in a rush to start something new and distract myself. What I need is comfort in this moment; to be present and attentive.
Holly 15:13
I am wishing you well in this very stressful time of outside issues clouding the horizon. I am wishing you lots of calm comfort-- whatever it is that's going to bring you joy and that's going to allow you to stay present in your life and aware of your surroundings. Whatever it is that will allow you to advocate for yourself and for your loved ones, I hope that you find it this week. it's going to be a tough one. There are always going to be times when outside issues cloud our judgment and our focus in recovery and that's okay.
Holly 15:54
So wherever you are, I am wishing you well. I will see you on the other side of next week and I hope that we all have some beautiful yarn projects to see us through it.
Holly 16:10
Take care and stay well! Bye!