Hello I hope you’re well. I’m so happy to be talking with you. I was worried earlier in the week that I was in too negative of a mood to have anything useful to contribute. So thank you for joining me and I wanted to begin by expressing my gratitude for your willingness to listen to me ramble about making and recovery. I find it so helpful to share here and it makes me feel so less alone to know that there are a few others who are interested in thinking about how crafting and knitting and sewing intersects with recovery.
Recovery for me is linked to Al-Anon, but as always you should take what you like and leave the rest. I am not speaking as a representative but only sharing my own experience of strength and hope. My partner is having a tough week and that’s likely why I am too though lord knows there are plenty of reasons to be having a tough week here in the good old united states of America. My kids are still doing virtual school and it feels like we’re the only family who is but I know that’s not true. And one of the things that has made this week tough is that I’ve been having a lot of anxiety. I have been having anxiety in the middle of night as insomnia and then also in the middle of the day during virtual school from home. My daughter is younger and she doesn’t love it. And I just want it to go smoothly so that I can check out and do some work but of course she needs a little bit more attention from me so that she can succeed at the tasks that she has. I’m finding that I have to prioritize parenting over work and this is causing me a lot of anxiety.
I think for a lot of us in al anon, or maybe just me, I think work was a way to cope with the effects of the family illness. My workaholism is a coping device stemming from my primary family, which I now can see was touched by the family illness of addiction, and in my marriage. And one of the things that shifted over time is that I became the primary breadwinner and primary parent and as my husband’s disease progressed he wasn’t able to contribute in meaningful ways and was often a chaotic influence. I know if you love someone struggling with addiction I know you know what that feels like.
My therapist and I have been speaking about how although this is deeply uncomfortable it may be a good thing for my recovery because I use work as a coping device and I use my skill in one area to deal with a feeling of inadequacy in another. What does this have to do with crafting? Well, not surprising the only thing that I can do during virtual school is knit!
I’ve been knitting small projects. I actually downloaded a pattern from ravely that is a Christmas ornament of a dumpster fire. I had been making a baby hat of a rainbow. And it had all the colors I needed! Red orange yellow green. And I had tapped out because the green was too somber for the happy rainbow. It was a very somber green… like a dumpster green! So when I saw the dumpster fire ornament, I thought, omg I have the yarn for this! And so I frogged the baby hat—the happy hopeful baby hat—and knitted instead a dumpster fire. It’s fussy and not fun. Maybe you love knitting tiny things but I find that they’re not so fun. My go to comfort knits are socks and shawls! I had hit a roadblock in my shawl and I was fearful I didn’t have enough yarn and you know how when you hit a roadblock in a knitting project it is in danger of becoming an unfinished object! So I put it off to the side, I didn’t want to deal with it, and so I started knitting this little ornament instead. My daughter literally needs me to sit next to her. She needs solidarity she feels lonely and it is really a full time job to work with her. And of course as the primary breadwinner I have a full time job. And it is demanding. I don’t have enough time to do it. So I’d sit there feeling anxious, anxious, anxious. So I’m channeling it. Into dumpster fire ornaments. I have two friends that I am making them for and I think they’ll appreciate the story of how I made them.
But my anxiety is really high and it’s not normally my mode of being. I tend more depressive than anxious. It’s really throwing me for a loop enough that I notice it. Just as my therapist suggests that there might be something positive at the end of it. And I’m noticing this when I can’t do the thing that usually makes me feel better, which is work, work, work, and that this disruption might lead to a healthier way of working and being in the world. That’s her point. I’m not sure I’m 100% buying it, but that’s what my therapist said to me.
So that’s what I’m doing. What will make me feel better is doing some things in previous moments. When my daughter was first born and I had postpartum, and I had a young kid, and an alcoholic husband, and we also got a puppy (that’s a long story that’s one of those magical alcoholic thinking moments now in retrospect I can laugh about because we love our dog but omg the last thing I needed that year was a puppy.) But one of the things that I did was wake up incredibly early to do the work I needed to do and then I could later in the day give my full attention to my children and take some time for myself without feeling guilty from not working. And so I’m doing that this week and it’s helping.
The other thing I wanted to suggest about noticing negative feelings can help me shift my mindset and change my attitude has to do with crafting and inspiration. I was watching a vlog, blog youtuber and it was a discussion that was sort of in line with this theme of needing to prioritizing parenting. But it became a discussion about work versus parenting and how it was appropriate as a mom to choose parenting over work. And I had a lot of strong reactions to that. Obviously I had a lot of feelings about that since my family doesn’t match that set up. It’s not a choice for me as a single mom to pick parenting over work. I have to do both and they’re both aligned with responsibilities I have to provide in being a loving caring parent and a sane adult that can provide a safe harbor for them. And that just wasn’t part of this discussion. And I understand why this is the person’s platform and they’re speaking their truth just as I am speaking mine and I can take what I like and I can leave the rest. But I didn’t.
Oh my I had a lot of strong reactions. I typed out a comment and then deleted it. And then I did the thumbs down and then I undid that too. Thankfully I was able to notice my strong reaction and to realize that I didn’t want to put more negative energy into the world and I was able to shift it. I wanted to prioritize myself and take what I like and leave the rest. Allowing myself to leave the rest behind. And so I did. I unfollowed. And then I noticed all the other parts of social media the things not giving me comfort or producing anxiety. So I muted, blocked, and unfollowed. It felt so freeing. And now these digital tools are more calming to use. And I’m using them more sanely, more appropriately, more like an adult! I am not always reacting to things outside of me.
Some of this is the time we’re in. Everyone is reacting to things and there is so much to react to and I don’t want to say that I want to create a bubble for myself but what I am trying to do is to realize that I have to shape my own attitude and this is one of the ways I can.
One of the positives is that I’ve been returning to books, crafting books. Some of them are super out of step but they’re so joyful. I’m still reading sweater design in plain English and I’m just enjoying the way she’s talking about sweaters and yarns. You can tell it’s written in the early 2000s. There’s a whole lot of green angora and fun fur. Her wisdom is sound: she says that the more elaborate the yarn, the simpler the stitch and the plainer the yarn the more elaborate the stitch. That’s sound advice, right, it’s all about balance, right? So I’ve been reading my books and listening to music rather than podcasts and setting my own agenda. I’ve cut out three patterns to sew up and so I am working on them and it feels good to make progress on goals I set for myself. And I’m using up my stash. I’m knitting my dumpster fire ornament which is absurd but it’s helping me. And I even solved my shawl dilemma, but pushing ahead with something not perfect but good enough. A bit of asynchronous stitches in the middle of the shawl—that probably only I will notice—will help remind me to take joy in the the process rather than the outcome. I don’t know if that makes sense that sounds dire.
The other thing I’ll say is that I finished my coat! IT was such a beast of burden! It was such a project and the hem wasn’t looking right so I took my time and hand sewed the hem and closed the coat that way and I steamed the heck out of it and used a clapper and I really did get the coat to a place where it looked really nice. Unfortunatly it is still way too humid to wear it in DC. It is not coat-wearing weather and it is not coat making weather either. I was boiling every time I tried to fit it. But it’s done! And I think the thing that matters—to tie this together is—that noticing the wonky hem that’s not perfect reminds me that it’s my first coat and I made it! I used recycled materials—I did have to pay for the pattern to be printed, and obviously interfacing and thread—so it wasn’t free or anything and it is obviously a privileged to be able to make this. But that’s okay, because I work and I can spend the money that I earn and that’s a joy of being self-sufficient and it doesn’t make me less of a mom because I work. And for those of us who are trying to protect our families financially it can be so hard to hear the way sthat families get talked about in some of these crafting online spaces. It is so normative. It just is … so… I can’t imagine what it is like to have a partner who is contributing. I recognize that this isn’t about them this is about me but sometimes when I see those families I feel envy. But noticing that allows me to change the attitude, unfollow, find some creative energy, and give it to myself and fill my own cup. In the end that will you know … hopefully… changed attitudes can aid recovery.
Ugh. I’m going to end there. Maybe you can tell that this… has been a tough week. But I’m going to use my tools—work in the morning, some meditation, exercising, petting my dog, being patient with my daughter, and knitting my dumpster fire.
I hope you’re well I hope you have beautiful materials to work with. I hope this is inspiring you and not creating agita or anxiety for you and if so just unfollow no harm no foul I won’t be offended. But if it does resonate with you thank you. It really helps to know I am not alone. Take care, bye!