Holly 00:28
Hi everybody, I hope you're well. I'm a little bit late in posting this and I apologize for that. It's been a strange weekend and I'm sure it has been for you, especially if you're in the states. One of the things I wanted to talk about today is relief and what recovery looks like in that moment, thinking in some ways about joy.
Holly 00:54
So it's been a strange weekend for my family as I said before something traumatic happened and we're dealing with an outside issue and we've been dealing with it for now about 2 weeks. And we've sort of moved from the incredible crisis moment towards living with it and this is I think an important reminder--even though it is an outside issue--I think it's an important reminder about the tools of recovery and why we might need recovery even when we think we don't that is in moments of profound joy, profound relief, and profound happiness.
Holly 01:30
I find that I am strongest when I'm bracing myself against fear. So last week I was hyper-focused-- hyper focused at work, I was committed to taking care of myself physically, and I was a very present parent to my kids and what I found was that I was able to accomplish a lot even in a profound moment of fear. And since Saturday I have not been (laughter) as focused. I've been very joyful. I'm joyful for a couple reasons: one is the outside issue of the election and then the other though is that the thing that I was waiting for it to happen happened and so I didn't have to be fearful (and this is in our private life) and I felt like I could reclaim our physical space without fear and that led to an incredible feeling of joyousness. And the weather where I am located was just unbelievably beautiful this weekend was unbelievably beautiful. It was like 75 degrees and sunny and it just felt like feeling of happiness and hope.
Holly 02:47
But I noticed that even in this moment I still had aspects of my disease. I was really really beating myself up for not getting work done. I was beating myself up for not exercising. I was overeating.(laughter) I was not really feeling like myself and that's a moment of recovery that I realize how fear and discipline are linked for me. And the question then becomes how can I let go of both and still be productive and still find a way forward and learn a new way to work and a new way to take care of myself and be in the world. And that's a really hard in moments like this if you're feeling joy or relief or happiness. Or if you're not-- if you're if you've been feeling those things and now you're transitioning towards fear and frustration then it’s an opportunity to think about where you are in recovery.
Holly 04:08
So that's where I'm at today. I'm really trying hard to make a plan for this week because of the heightened situation my family is going through. As I said it's an outside issue but the family disease impacts it and how we handle it. And I've been going to a meeting today online and it's been really helpful and I've been pushing myself to share and then also pushing myself just to be quiet and listen and that's been really helpful. So I'm going to try and keep that up this week. One thing last week that was really helpful was digging deep about fear.
Holly 05:03
I had such a profound fear, like physical fear about being outside because of the nature of what we're dealing with. It is very close to our home and it's very anxiety-provoking for me and of course my fears did not come to pass. They really were wildly out managed what actually came to pass, which is always something that is slow and traumatic in a small way rather than large and traumatic in a powerful way. why I mentioned this is that I did some some profound work on fear and how to manage it and I came up with some fun--no that’s not the right word--helpful strategies to deal with it. You now feeling the feeling, which can be really hard for me to do. And then also creating a narrative that allows me to recognize that the fear is about past hurts past traumas and that I am a different person in this moment and I can handle this current trauma with empowerment. That's been helping. And then also you know again some reminders visual reminders or mantras about who it is that I want to be in this moment and again not be trapped in a pattern of the past.
Holly 07:53
What does this have to do with knitting or even sewing or crafting. What I find is that I'm doing two things right now: I am returning to as I said before tried-and-true patterns. I want to be making the things that I know work well for me. I want to be practicing, mastering techniques, and dwelling in that moment rather than taking on something new. So there's that. I was definitely finding comfort in knitting socks, for example, you know just a vanilla sock pattern. And also just finishing up my shawl and finishing up my dumpster fire ornaments and just really kind of taking stock of The To Do List. I have a pair of pants that are almost finished. I just need to hem them so I need to do that. And then I've also been working on the finishing touches for a shirt I've been sewing, so i’m just really taking my time with it finishing all the inside seams so that they don't unravel and making sure the closures are on really well. I just can't take on a whole new project but what I can do is work within the unfinished business that in my crafting pile.
Holly 09:30
Then the other fun thing that I did: my daughter and I had some time to kill. One of the positive things is that my son's hockey started back up and they're taking extreme measures for safety (which I am very happy about and so I'm not allowed to watch the practice or even be in the arena). So my daughter and I have time to kill, so we took up embroidery, making weird embroidery projects. But you know it's been really fun. She colors with marker on the fabric and writes a message to her friends and then I embroider it and it's silly and it's not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but it definitely captures her art and mine and I love that. And so that's been bringing me joy as well.
Holly 10:15
So in this moment, wherever you are, whatever you're feeling, whether it's incredible joy and relief or whether it's fear and frustration; whether there is a profound thing happening in your personal life or you're just reflecting on the outside issues that are gripping the world, I hope you're well. I hope that you are finding a way through this moment and that you have some some beautiful materials to work with and I hope that you are inspired to continue to do the work of recovery, which can be I think sometimes harder when we're happy and I sure am happy right now even with the challenges that I'm facing. So I'm going to stop there. Thanks for listening. I'm so happy that you're here. I also just want to remind you that I'm just sharing my personal experience of strength and hope here and I hope that it helps you in some small way.
Holly 11:09
Take what you like and leave the rest. Bye, friends.