#731 - MATT MCCUSKER + SHANE GILLIS

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

to subscribe and come to you live for the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? We're the best damn band in the land. This is Kill Tony brought to you by ExpressVPN. Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Nachos Belgrande, Michael Gonzalez sweating bullets, Big Mike.

On the drums, Matt Muelling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and that is D Madness live in the flesh, ladies and gentlemen. An absolute scorcher. We're sitting here at 81.1 degrees Fahrenheit. 71% humidity. The AC guy is here. Make some noise for the AC guy. Texas, late in July. Welcome. Welcome. Holy shit. ACs be breaking. This is a real live show. Anything can happen. Happens everywhere. Doesn't matter how much money Spotify gives you.

ACs be breaking in Texas. A good old stress test here today. You see people fanning themselves. There's a Latina woman with an actual portable fan. I don't know how she snuck that in here. They lock up phones, but I guess you're allowed to shove a portable fan up your puss. Anything can happen here. As you can tell, this is an action-packed episode. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

All right, let's talk about how Amazon Prime makes everything better. You know the moment you're binge watching different things and you realize that Prime has more to offer than expected. Amazon Prime isn't just fast delivery.

Let's be honest. Getting snacks or a last-minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver. It's also prime video for all the comedy specials, Amazon music to vibe to, and all the things that make life more interesting. Red Band. Whether streaming a stand-up special, Bill... the perfect playlist for the next show or getting new gear delivered fast, Prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way. So whether comedy, drama, or just the perfect new

Jokebook is the vibe. Remember, Prime is there for it. I do it all on Prime. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.com slash Prime to get more out of whatever you're into. amazon.com slash prime.

Prime delivery is fast. How fast are we talking? We're talking Puzzle Toys and LickPad delivered so fast you can get this puppy under control fast. P-Pads, Coley Mat, Pet Camber, fast and fast. And those training T-R-E-A-T-S? Faster than you can say sit fast. Fast, free delivery. It's on Prime.

Save big during Labor Day at Lowe's. Get up to 40% off select major appliances. Plus, buy more to get up to an additional 20% off. Shop even more savings with three stay green one cubic foot vegetable and flower garden soil bags. See Lowe's.com for more details. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

Who's ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh? Well, well, well. You know, every single week I book the show, and I can tell you with no ego, we're really doing it, Red Band. This is one of those very special nights you guys hit the fucking comedy lottery You did it you did it This is one of those big ones. Ladies and gentlemen, I present two of the greatest guests in this show's history. This is indeed Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker. It's crazy how much hotter it is out here.

Hey. Hey, guys. Two, three, four. It is unbelievably hot. Like, fucking blows. It is incredible. I don't want to bring it up, because I know that, you know, you're thinking about it. The crazy thing is that the AC works well in some places right now. The other room, which is an open mic filled with absolute bottom-of-the-barrel peasants, they are... They're chilling. 69 degrees in there. The green room, 71 degrees. Right behind that curtain.

Very, very nice. It was nice right behind there and Matt right before we went on. It's not that bad. I was like, wait until we fucking walk out. This is where God has decided the heat will lay tonight. Matt, how you feeling down there? Pretty good. I'm thinking we can alternate breathing between guys and girls every 30 seconds. We're going to have to come up with some kind of plan.

The AC guy is here. I'm going to ask management, if anyone's listening, wave to me before he leaves. I want an update. Maybe we can get the AC guy to agree to a quick appearance live. live appearance maybe he can explain himself whatever we do do not let that guy fucking leave without giving me some kind of signal

I know he was just planning on another quick stop on a 6th Street fucking dungeon-esque bar, but he might end up in front of 5.5 million people real quick. Who gives a fuck? Right? Should we harass the AC guy? Anything can happen here. You guys have been guests numerous times on the show. 305 human souls signed up for tonight's show. Matt and Shane know what the fuck is up. The bucket gets crazy. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Then you know their time is up and they hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. I conduct an interview. It's going to be a lot of fun watching them truly physically sweat tonight.

they are in for the shock of their lives none of them know that the ac is broken here so they're in a nice air-conditioned bar next door right now they're gonna be in the nice air-conditioned backstage and they're gonna walk out and they're gonna think it's them

So let's have some fun. Before we get to that first bucket pool, I have a golden ticket winner here ready to debut a new minute of stand-up comedy. We're going to watch them all together. One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of... the show. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first comedian of the night. This is Martin Phillips, everybody. It is fucking hot. Holy shit. Oh my God. Okay. Growing up, I didn't have many Jewish friends. Not on purpose, but...

I was never invited to an apartment, but I think it's too late. You know, I think people would take notice that I specifically hung out with 13-year-old Jewish boys. I was like, no, I just want to party with them. It's sort of banger. Anyway, circumcision started because God told Abraham to do it. He also told him to kill his son, and then he took it back as a test. So maybe he waited too long to say something. You know, he came back, he was like, oh, by the way, you don't...

Oh, crap. You did it. It looks great. You told everyone to do it. Guess it's a thing now. Okay. Martin Phillips with a brand new minute. Acknowledging the heat up top. How does the heat affect your condition? I just sweat like a motherfucker. Anything else when it gets real hot? Can you like straighten out your legs or anything? I think I just get heat exhaustion, I guess. Okay, so you're human other than... Yeah, I'm a heavy sweater, so I'm definitely gonna... Okay.

Heavy sweater. You're dressed for the occasion. You're one of the only people wearing shorts tonight on the crew. Well, yeah. You texted me like 15 minutes ago. Okay, perfect. Nobody needed to know that, but I guess that's fine. I needed a lot. Second opener there Martin and gave you the opportunity of a lifetime, but I guess you've exposed my lack of Preparation in front of the world You gotta call him on fucking Friday. Brother, we're gonna need pants by Monday. Me too, by the way.

Oh, shit. Martin, you ever have a bad experience putting on your pants? No, I could put them on. You know. Oh, fuck, dude. Yeah, I know. Fuck you, dude. Fuck you. Fuck you, asshole. Yeah, yeah. If it was a button-up shirt, then maybe, but then... If I can just get the button up, you know? It's easy. That looks smooth as hell. That was nice. Yeah. Yeah, that's better than me. I gotta, like, lay down. You fat fuck.

He deserves that. My joke was better, but yeah. Martin, what else has been going on in your life? Man, I got sweat in my eye. My glasses are fucking up. I bought a new car myself. Not because I crashed the old one, okay? I just needed a new car. What kind of car did you get? I got a Priya, so it's official. I am gay. I guess. I want to get the same car as you have. And then I could pull up and be like, hey, twinsies. Hell yeah. And then I'd have to get a Prius just to be different.

And it would make sense. Right. Very good. Yes, Martin. That would be... Yep, that would be implied. Only two I'm Gays so far in two and a half minutes. This is another episode of Kill Tony. Might blend in with the others. That's the drinking game every time. Hell yeah. Do you drink, Martin? Ah, sometimes. Ari Matty tells us some crazy tales. Dude, that's not even true, dude. Ari's been saying shit. I'm like, I go to bed. Ari's the one out.

till 6 a.m. By the one time I did get drunk with Art and Ian. You got drunk? Yeah, I was drunk, yes. And it doesn't make me look any more able. Doesn't. It makes it worse, I think, actually. I think. Like, my hotel was, like, a block away. I had an Uber. Like, it was... I was not gonna make it there, so... Yeah. Awesome. Well, Martin, you got the show started tonight. Thank you so much. A golden ticket winner, reigning, defending Martin Phillips.

Is the AC guy there, Zach? No, he's on his way down. But we do have an update incoming. Well, hold him back there while I bring up the first bucket pool of the night. You guys know how this part works. It's where shit gets a little crazy. Because we're going to meet somebody. Could be the next star of the show. Could be a fucking insane person.

make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night it's daniel shepherd everybody daniel shepherd so my birthday is coming up in a few days I think I look great for 36. The problem with that is I'm turning 26. So that fucking sucks. I've been watching this show about guinea pigs. It's pretty funny. Interesting.

It's called The Sopranos on HBO. Perhaps y'all have heard of it. Another great show is Friends. But I think an even better show is Seinfeld. Because if Seinfeld is the show about nothing... That means Friends is the show about Jennifer Aniston's nipples. I forgot to equate how they were similar. I'm a little nervous. I just had some sushi recently. I just had some sushi recently over in the hood at this new place called Nigiri Please. I ordered the unagi what?

Yeah, they didn't have a drive-through, but they had a drive-by. And last joke, what do you call a black lawyer? A brother-in-law. All right, thank you, guys. Okay. Thank God you didn't do the punchline I thought was coming there. Holy shit. I liked watching the autism bleed through and you're like, I forgot to equate that last thing to the other thing. yeah straight to sushi yeah fuck it sushi next so the three shows that you've been watching recently

Sopranos, Seinfeld, and Friends. Did you just get, what, a VCR player or something? How are you just starting these three-decade-old shows now? He's been thinking about these jokes since eighth grade. he's like i got friends is a lot like seinfeld i just you know that was kind of the point of the joke and i almost didn't include that and i autistically added it you know yeah do you remember what the correlation between the three

Friends is like Seinfeld without any Jews. Okay. My father wrote that joke, helped me write that joke before he died. Wow, when did he die? 25 years ago? He died 10 months ago. Okay. Wow, how did he die? He had a lung condition, so he had a... connective tissue disease which paralyzed his stomach and that drained into his lungs and destroyed his lungs and then he died in my arms at home one day what

What was on the TV? It was the Roku TV in the background. Just a Roku screen? Yeah. The Roku, like... damn roku city you know just died gazing into the sunset no you saw one last sunset it was roku how long how long ago was this uh like 10 months ago oh all right like it was a My sister's birthday was the day before. What? October 1st. October 1st. Red band.

Did your sister bust into the room like Kramer, like, whoa! She must not have blown out all the candles or something. She was in a big fight with my dad, so she wasn't home at the time. Oh, so maybe she did blow out the candles and made a nasty little wish. Oh, yeah. I don't even think she saw him the day before. That's really fucking horrendous, man. Sorry to hear that for real. What were they arguing about, your sister and your father at the time of his death?

The people at home want to know. My dad, my sister was, my sister would try to attend to my dad a lot and there was some pushback with like a sick guy being told what to do. What was she trying to get him to do? Oh, just like, she's just kind of up his ass kind of person, I guess. My sister's a little bitchy. Oh, yeah. For sure. I don't remember. I just, I tried not to really pay attention. I just saw a lot of arguing.

God damn, dude. This is like really, really, really, yeah, you're really fucking bringing it. Yeah, but she feels so bad. You like Star Wars? What's going on there? Let me guess, that was the last thing you and your fucking dad watched. Now, Star Wars rules, that's sick. The best Sith, yeah. Yeah, Kylo Ren could have been the best. Yeah, they ruined it. Yeah, Ben Solo. I like Ben. Yeah, for sure. Solo.

Hell yeah, man. Yeah. What do you do for work? I'm between jobs right now. Fuck. I got some life insurance from my father's death. How much exactly did you get? $70,000. $70,000. I promise I'll never talk about that. I don't know why I just nonchalantly said that. No, you're finding the silver lining. You got 70 G's. Yeah, it's over halfway gone. Question, did your sister get the same amount? No. Wow. Sister got cut out of the life insurance. Mostly. Wow. Poor thing.

Wow. I feel bad for her. I mean, you just called her a bitch in front of five million people a minute ago, but now she's a poor thing that you feel bad about. Yeah. Okay. It's like that. All right. Very fun. And how much more of the 70,000 do you have left? It's been 10 months. You don't have a job. What are we at now? 25,000. 25,000. It's going fast. It's going fast.

So what's your plan? What type of job are you looking to get? I was into welding for a minute, but that's kind of, you know, laborious and hard to juggle comedy. I burned myself really bad here. And then I am looking into some kind of audio-video thing. I'm really good with that. Filmmaking background and stuff. All right. Short films.

Well, there you go. Daniel, well, welcome. Congratulations. You got up on the show. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much. Daniel Shepard, everybody. There he goes. Appreciate it. Oh, here's a little joke book, Daniel. there you go nice catch ladies and gentlemen i'm getting word that the man that we all want to talk to is here

I present to you for the first time in the show's history, this is the AC Guy. Wow. Wow. Look at the crowd going absolutely wild. This is incredible. A monumental moment in the history of Kill Tony. 12 years. And three months, yet we've never spoken to an AC guy live on the show before. Sir, what is your name? My name is Dean. Dean. Hell yeah.

Well, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. The crowd is doing their own thing. Let's see if he actually, did you fix it? I feel it. I did, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, dude. Wow. Dean tell us about it. What was the issue? So the issue was you guys trip the smoke alarm with your smoke smoke machines The new upgrade to the camera is a little bit of haze. How do we avoid that in the future, Dean?

Truthfully, if you're using smoke machines, probably not. Okay, can't do it. All right, let's reset the cameras. Recalibrate the cameras to zero haze. I'm your biggest fan. There you go. Thank you. You're chill. This is awesome. So, Dean, how long have you been working in AC?

About eight years. Eight years. Wow, you're very good at what you do. I noticed that it wasn't long that you were here. You came here about five to ten minutes before the show started. You were able to figure it out. Eight years in the game. What's your love life like, Dean? I'm married. No, I'm married. Nice. Hell yeah. She must be a very lucky cold woman. It is pretty cold in my house.

Well, Dean, have you ever thought about trying stand-up comedy? Do you like comedy? No, I'm about to have a fucking heart attack. I love it. I love it. Well, we were all about to have heat stroke before you came around, so now we're even, Stevens. Dean, thank you so much. Thank you, guys. Make some noise for Dean. Dean, Dean, Dean. Wow, what a special episode.

82.8 degrees, for those of you wondering. We're hoping that goes down at some point. Dean, why don't you stick around until this thing starts to lower? Yeah. You might want to delete that first guy. He'll be fine. Shout out to Airco Air Conditioning coming in and doing their job. I think that's a great plug for them. Airco, here in Austin, Texas.

The trusted air conditioning associates of Kill Tony and the Comedy Mothership. Wow. We'll see. There's a plug. It better work. God, I hope Dean doesn't get fired. No, he won't. A free ad for Airco HVAC. You can get Airco yourself just by going to Airco. Dot-com, I'm guessing. I'm hoping here. Yeah, it's plumbing, heating, and AC. It's the website. There we go. Air code. Yeah, go to aircomechanical.com. Get yourself some AC. All right. Just save Dean's job, everybody. It's about a...

$30,000 ad read right there. It's open 24 hours. Call them. 512-537-1234. Based out of Round Rock, Texas. 40 years in the business. Airco. Air conditioning, electrical, and plumbing. Five stars. All right.

Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access anytime, anywhere. It's easy to get started. You can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider.

Typically within 48 hours, Talkspace makes getting help convenient. You can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home, and you can even talk it out between sessions by sending text messages to your therapist. Get therapy and medication in all in one place, unlike...

Any other telehealth companies. Psychiatry is available through Talkspace so you can get the medication you need to supplement your talk therapy if needed. Talkspace makes getting the help you need easy, accessible, and affordable. Plus, most insured members have a $0 copay. Now, let my man Red Band tell you why he loves Talkspace. My man, Tony, thank you. Tony, I think Talkspace is amazing. They're providing the best mental health...

treatment out there. As a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code Space80. That's S-P-A-C-E 80 to match with a licensed therapist today. Go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code Space80. Pro.

All right, let's talk about how Amazon Prime makes everything better. You know the moment you're binge watching different things and you realize that Prime has more to offer than expected. Amazon Prime isn't just fast delivery.

So let's be honest, getting snacks or a last-minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver. It's also prime video for all the comedy specials, Amazon music to vibe to, and all the things that make life more interesting. Right, man? Whether streaming a stand-up special, Billy... the perfect playlist for the next show or getting new gear delivered fast Prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way so whether comedy drama or just the perfect

new joke book is the vibe remember prime is there for it i do it all on prime whatever you're into it's on prime from streaming to shopping it's on prime visit amazon.com slash prime to get more out of whatever you're into

Amazon.com slash prime. Your next bucket pull is a one word name. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Paul. Paul. Islamic terrorism. I don't get it. 72 virgins? I don't even get out of bed for less than 100 virgins. Wow. I thought this would be easier. I was so nervous backstage. This is my first time. I was so nervous backstage. Even after I rubbed a couple out. That's right. I'm an assassin.

I usually don't bring this up, but my family and I hunt vampires. No, we are not Van Helsines. You're not knee-deep in vampires right now because of one family. I apologize. Hey, Tits, you want a small joke book? Hey, T-Bone. All right, Paul, everybody. Very good, Paul. So clearly a fan of the show. You chose to sign. This is truly your first time. What made you want to do it like this? What made you want to pick tonight? Actually...

I got injured last year, and I... Fuck. And I had to have surgery, and I was off work, and I wrote a screenplay. And I wrote a screenplay for William Montgomery. Okay. I thought if the set was good enough. Well, if this was a taste, we need more. Can I get the elevator pitch? Yeah, let's hear the movie. The elevator, not the synopsis, the elevator pitch? Elevator, please. Okay. Shaquille O'Neal and Charles Barkley play... I'm in. Fully.

The way you said Shaq Keel had me. I mean, really convinced. I was thinking about saying Shaq. I aborted. I sent with the whole name. With his full name. They are... Used to be partners. They were... Private investigators, but they had a falling out 15 years ago. They hate each other and they find out their kids kept in touch and they're gonna get married.

They have a fight, they lose the ring, and then they've got to chase these bikers all across the country to find the ring. They don't want to have the wedding, but they don't want to let their kids down. Have you considered having them play aliens and basketball? So this is like Wild Hogs with NBA Tonight. Yes. Wild Hogs, Midnight Run. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But those are tough gets. They're phenomenal together.

Yeah, there's no doubt. We're missing out. So what was the job that you had before all of this? I'm a construction worker. And you got injured on a construction site? No, I was helping someone move. A total separate injury. Was it a back injury? No, I snapped my distal bicep tendon, so I had to get surgery. What the fuck were you carrying? I was in the wrong position. It was a TV. I was just in the wrong position.

A flat screen? Yeah, they're light these days. It was a plasma, and if you know anything about a huge fucking plasma... I gotta brush up on Newtonian physics. I didn't know how much the plasma weighed. My bad. Oh, my God. It's insane. So, let's just take... one second here to talk about the minute of comedy that you prepared islamic terrorists 72 virgins i don't get out of bed for less than 100 virgins what the are you talking about

What do you mean by that? Yeah, what don't you get about it? It's a fucking classic. It's a classic, dude. Just out of curiosity last question. What is Williams character in this movie that features Charles Barkley and Shaq Keel O'Neil? He is a homeless wanderer, but we find out he's a fugitive. But Shaq and Chuck get... Oh, you call him Chuck now. Wow, you're so close with him. No, no, he's fine with that.

They get mugged, and they have to enlist William to help them finish their mission. There you go. Very good. Here's a little joke book. There you go. There goes Paul, everybody. Good luck, Paul. Paul, what's your last name? What is it? All right. There goes Paul, everybody. Want to have that one? Whoa.

The lovely Heidi has arrived, ladies and gentlemen. A delicious Bud Light. All right. Your next Bucket Bowl goes by the name of Michael Scott, everyone. Michael Scott. Ooh, we're down to 81.9 degrees. Hey. I know what I look like. I know what I sound like. I hear it too, guys. I got the vibe of, I just got cast as Donatello in Tyler Perry's new Ninja Turtles movie. Yeah, he's the tech guy. I get it. I'm a weird kid. I was a weird kid. I had a lot of animals. I had a...

I started off with two rabbits. I ended up with 14. That being said, I've seen rabbits fuck a lot, guys. It's pretty crazy. It's like one rabbit minding his own business. That was my white one. Then my black one would come hopping along, mount it, furiously fuck it for about 10 seconds, and then everyone takes off running. My question, guys, why does rabbit sex only last 10 seconds? Is it evolution? Or is rabbit pussy just as good as I think it is?

Hell yes. Michael Scott. Wow. Is this true? You have that many rabbits? No. Uh, well... Technically, I had guinea pigs, but rabbits fuck like crazy, so it's funnier. You know what I mean. Wow. Guinea pigs appears to be the magical word combination of the day. Really? It's been used by two out of three bucket pools in an unprecedented anomaly. So, Michael, how long have you been on stand-up? Eight years. Eight years. Where at? Fresno, California. Bakersfield, California.

Wow. Is that where you still live? No. I'm out here. Yeah, I've been here since December 30th of last year. Nice. Awesome. What do you do for work? I work valet at Hotel Ella. And I just got a new job two months ago at Benefast. I deliver construction equipment to sites. Awesome. Absolutely incredible, Michael Scott. What do you do for fun? I used to train MMA. I play poker, watch movies, video games. I got cats. How many cats do you have? Three. Three cats. What are their names?

Whiskey, waffles. Those are my two girls. And I got Tanuki. He's the boy. Yes, bro. How's cat pussy? Everything I dreamed of. It's incredible. How many guinea pigs did you have at the post? Yeah, 14. You had 14 guinea pigs? I started with two, and they just kept fucking... It got to the point where I was selling them back to the pet store. Wow. Just a bunch of inbred, angry guinea pigs. Incredible. How old were you when you had these guinea pigs? Twelve.

Fish. So you were living with your parents? Hell yeah. What were they saying about all the guinea pigs? Uh, they... Get these motherfucking guinea pigs! You better get these motherfucking guinea pigs! Alright. No, what did they say? Oh, the police are on their way. I saw an opportunity. Everybody relax. Guys, relax.

These motherfucking kitty pig. Man, you fucking bedroom be stinking, Michael. It did. All right. It did. It did stink. See, this is what they said, right? Yeah. Did they kind of sound like that or did they speak?

perfect perfect american english like you they're oh my mom yeah oh yeah oh yeah yeah she sounds like she sounds like me just not like a guy perfect yeah northern california blocks so you had how many of those how many of those guinea pigs were in your room at once so you did have so you had 14 in your room yeah and you were jacking off in there in front of 14 guinea pigs

How many times you jack off in front of 14 skinny pigs? A lot. That's so many times. I perform better in front of a crowd. What can I say? You can hear them. You had to be able to hear them while you were jacking off. You're like, whiskey, be quiet. Michael Scott's trying to jack off around here. My mom accidentally killed four of them once, though. Ooh, how did she do that? She's not going to like that. She's going to be much madder at my impression of her.

I think you're right. I was at school one day, and I had them in three separate cages, and she took one of the cages, because she said it was a hot day, so she wanted to give them some air, so she took the cage and put it outside in the hot sun. She killed them on purpose. Yeah, I think I had three too many. One survived, though. You had a lot of guinea pigs. If you were my son, I would have, yeah. I would have put those guinea pigs in a bag.

You gotta smack him. Stop watching my son Jackal. You fucking perverts. That's why I got him. Behold. Behold, my son. My children. Did you bury the dead? Yeah. Where'd you bury them? Backyard. Nice. What type of, you know. You put up like a monument to them? A shoe box. They weren't even good shoes. They were like pumas too.

You didn't put anything above ground to commemorate? No, not around. You didn't give a fuck about them hoes. I was a kid. I didn't know tombstones were, you know. Right, right. definitely the one that survived did it have any special powers or he was he was the first one uh he was the he started the whole thing his name was hammy hammy yeah hampton j guinea pig wow Wow. What did the J stand for? Jenkins? Jew. Oh, Jew. Okay. I love it, Michael. He was Jewish. I don't know. He was Jewish.

Were the other hamsters Jewish in this mass genocide? Yeah. I ran a guinea pig concentration camp. They could not survive the mama cost. Oh no. Oh man. Wow. Mama cost. Did she ever explain herself why she really sat there? She said it was hot. I thought they needed some air. You know what? Honestly, if there were 14 guinea pigs in this room when I got here tonight, I would have sat four outside in a cage, too.

Thank goodness for Dean from Airco Air Conditioning Company. Well, well, hold on. Let's see. It's still hotter than hell in here. We need to bring Dean back and kill him. Put him outside. Put him in a cage, yeah. Michael, I'd love to have you back on The Secret Show, man. Thank you so much, Ryan. Here's the big joke book, Michael. Michael Scott. Fantastic.

It's $15 a month. Two, seriously, it's $15 a month. Three, no big contracts. Four, I use it. Five, my mom uses it. Are you playing me off? That's what's happening, right? Okay. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. Upfront payment of $45 for three-month plan. $15 per month equivalent required. New customer offer first three months only. Then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See mintmobile.com.

This podcast is sponsored by Tecova's. Anywhere worth going is worth going in good boots. Find your perfect pair with Tecova's. Ever wondered if you can pull off boots with your personal style? You owe it to your feet. Pull on a pair of Tecovas. Find comfort in the traditions of the West and confidence from making it your own. Tecovas now offers professional-grade work boots that will bring comfort and timeless style to the job site. Red band. Tony, I love my...

Tecova is the most comfortable boots I've ever worn hands down. They're the most comfortable boots you've ever worn. Yeah, that's the most. Wow. Why? Yeah. I wear these, and you should too, Tony. Plus, with Tecova's best in the West guarantee, you get... free returns and exchanges for 30 days. Right now, get 10% off at tecovas.com slash killtony when you sign up for email and text. That's 10% off at tecovas.com slash killtony. slash Kill Tony. See site for details. Takovas, point your toes west.

We are moving along smoothly here. Bucket pool number four. This is definitely a new name, and I'm excited about it. Make some noise for Yoshika Gonzalez. Yoshika Gonzalez. Oh, shit. Okay. One more time for Yoshika, everybody. Hi. A little bit about Me, or whatever. I'm having a sale on my OnlyFans. Yeah, so for 30 cents a day, you can help a short bitch pay her rent.

No, I am a sex worker and I figured it's actually better than dating because I usually date white men and That's a fucking pyramid scheme So They just they they just do weird shit like lie first of all drink Mountain Dew and prioritize themselves I'm just too Latina for that, you know? No, you don't. Yeah, I'm too Latina for that because I'm like sucking dick, you know, washing the dishes. And in return, they make me keto fucking pancakes.

Thank you. Yoshika Gonzalez. Hell yes. So many questions. Let's begin. One of Mike Scott's guinea pigs survived. Made it all the way down here. Excuse me. No, it's not about you. No, I got it. I was I have a serious question when you do your sex work you get picked up in front of the Home Depot No, but when you do your sex work, you go to the Home Depot, don't you? Whoa. Sounded like a burn. Zero. That's what you get, dude. You come at the fucking...

You come at the queen, you best not miss. Yoshika Gonzalez. Hell yeah. You are definitely a specific type. Do you, uh... Do you do they did is this a condition is there a label for this right? You look really challenged. No, you look like a tall midget. Oh You look like I'm yeah, I don't know They used to be short back in the day in the 60s. I don't know what's going on now. Okay. Okay. Yoshika, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Um...

year now, it's my last resort into screenwriting. Oh, you gotta team up with Paul. Yeah, this is wild. The new Farley Brothers. Yeah. This is a special episode. We have two screenwriting references and two guinea pig references. And somehow they're all mashing together right here. With Yoshika Gonzalez. Yoshika is an interesting name. What does that mean? How do you end up with a Japanese name? I was named after a Japanese film camera. Yoshika. I don't know. You don't know.

I don't know. My dad used to say different shit, like a hooker one time. Hey, called a shot. Cashier, a book. Then he told the truth, I guess. 38 cents, you said? Uh, 30. 30 cents. 30 cents a day. Is that real? 30 cents? Is that legal? Unicef. Mathematically, yeah, I think so. Okay. What do you do on this only, fans, exactly? Um, I... haunt people's laptops? I don't know. I twerk. I do... I do, like, anime costumes and fucking...

Degrade guys dick dick rape pick rate. You've crossed the line. That's too much. Don't do it. Don't you dare There's a lot there's a lot there's a lot. How long have you been on OnlyFans? Since the pandemic when the strip clubs closed temporarily. So you were a stripper up to the pandemic. What was your stripper name? Easy question. Impossible to forget. There's been a bunch, you know. Jenna was a good one. A lot of people in Austin back in the day.

Jenna. Okay. Anything crazy ever happen at the strip club? Any wild stories? No. Okay. Same old, same old. You close with your parents? Not right now, not at the moment. Why do you think you're not close with your parents? I didn't think this was a therapy session. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude. Hey, you're the one with your backstory, lady. I'm just following up here. Do you think your dad subscribes to your OnlyFans? I mean, 30 cents a day.

Why wouldn't you check in on your little dar-dar, you know what I mean? Okey-dokey. It's a real live show, everybody. I don't think so. No. He said he... does it he said he never loved me never will never did perfect we're good was this a long time ago or like kind of recent was this a pandemic Two years during the pandemic. Everyone lost their mind during the pandemic. It's not a big deal. Well, I'm sorry about all that. Yeah, I'm sorry to hear that. It's okay, guys. We're here now.

Yeah. Somewhere. For what it's worth, I think you're worth more than 30 cents a day. Okay. Yeah. Definitely. How much are you making a month on OnlyFans? Oh, God. $4.12. Yeah. You're killing it and you're making fucking 20 bucks. I'm making my rent a thousand bucks. Oh, that's awesome. Okay. How do you get everything else? How do you pay your bills if you're only making your rent spot on from the month?

monthly OnlyFans. What else are you doing to make money on the side? Me sucky sucky. Okay, Red Band. That is out of control. That is rude. That is out of line, Red Band. I actually don't do oral, but... Sick. Wow. Yeah. That explains... Scribers went off the charts with that one.

That explains why the white guys you've been with just lie and drink Mountain Dew all the time. If you want some honest answers, you gotta fucking... No, I sell vintage. I sell vintage clothing. There you go. Oh, cool. I'm the markets outside in the heat. do actual work i do av work too but you know they hire the guys ass and vagina is that is that one of the vintage shirts you're wearing no this one I was going to say it's a cool shirt. Thank you. Yeah.

Is it vintage underwear, like your used ones or something that you sell? Redband. Redband. Try to run a program. For 30 cents a day. Let's get back to this side. For a penny, you can get her on. 30 cents? I mean, it's $7 a month divided by 30. Oh, okay. All right. I see. A day.

Yes. That's how they get you. That's how they get you. That is how they get you. Because I was already... I subscribed under the table. I said, 30 cents. This is... Come on. Add some quick. I'd be losing money not doing it. I don't get out of bed for a hundred cents. We're talking here. But you're doing great.

You're gonna be making a lot more money after this I'm sure there are a lot of people watching online right now Any other last pitches for your only fans that you would like to give to the people out there? There's many many men Trying to help her. She's just barely making her rent. Yeah, I mean, I have a wish list, but I just have, like, a printer on there. No one will buy it. I'll get you a fucking printer. Shane's gonna buy her a printer. I promise.

Yoshika here's a little joke book ready for it boom you got it Wow She caught it You're going that way Hey, nice to meet you. Right back through where you came. Yoshika, everybody. There's Heidi. Yum, yum, yum.

Time for another golden ticket winner, everybody. This young lady won hers maybe a little less than a year ago. She's fantastic. Works here. Works. On Kill Tony. Make some noise. A brand new minute from Aya, everybody. It's Aya, everyone. Some people don't trust Muslims. I get it. Whatever. Me personally, I don't trust Jehovah Witnesses. I feel like some Jehovah Witnesses are just registered sex offenders who got really, really...

really nervous at the last second. Like, they were supposed to go out in the neighborhood and tell everyone what they did, which is, it's tough. You know, I molested a child, that's... so you know they go knock knock who's there uh have you heard of the child that was touched by god Jesus Christ. He's like, why is your parole officer here? It's like, don't worry about that. I don't know. I feel like we treat registered sex offenders.

so interesting in this country like we make them live so far from elementary schools but distance only makes the heart grow fonder Boom. Aya. Fantastic. Great pedophile joke. Okay, thanks. What's up? Hey, guys. How you doing? How's it been going, Aya? It's good. It's kind of warm in here. Yeah. I put on a jacket, so when I take it off, I feel cooler. Oh, look at that. A little reverse psychology on pure heat. Yeah.

Okay. How are you guys? That's good. I gotta be honest. This is good. Everything going good? Yeah, everything's good. Yesterday, I... Nothing bad. Huh? No, no, no. So, yeah, every single person that's come up here is just... My dad died, my dad hates me. Yeah, things are bad. Yeah. No, you guys didn't even hear what happened with my dad. Oh, what happened? Is he good? Die and give you that fucking jacket? Where is he? No. Yesterday...

I taught him that you have to boil pasta in water. What was he doing before? He didn't know about that. How was he cooking pasta? He never cooks. He doesn't cook. He just learned. I just taught him yesterday. Well, okay, so he's alive. That's fine. Yeah, he's alive. Sounds like he's thriving. Sounds like he's still learning. Yeah. Yeah. Learn something new every day. So that's good. Where's he at? Where are you from? I'm from Dallas. All right.

but my family's from Africa. What? Yeah, I'm Moroccan. Nice. Yeah. Nice. Hell yeah. What was your dad doing with those noodles? Eating. Eating the noodles. Just raw, hard noodles? Well, no, I boiled them for him, and yesterday he came, and he was like, oh, so that's how you do it. He said he's always seen people make pasta, but he never paid attention. He's just been sitting on the floor Indian style, even with his hands.

Yeah. Yeah. Incredible. That's good. Amazing, Aya. What else is going on? Anything else crazy? Recently, I had a weird dream the other day. I had a dream that there was this girl, and she was really young, she was like 17, 16, and she was like in a trap house. And I didn't know what to tell her to get out of the trap house. So I just told her...

Girls like you end up fat in their 20s, and she left. I got her out the trap house. Wow. Hey, give it up for her and her dream. Yep. The fuck are you talking about? What are you talking about? It's just my life. Yep. No doubt about it. It's just the truth. Well... Great new minute, Aya. Favorite pedophile joke of the day without a doubt so far. One more time for Aya, everybody. Back to the bucket we go.

Three ladies in a row make some noise to your next comedian. It's Jenny Rodriguez everyone Jenny Rodriguez

I just watched this documentary on Netflix recently. It was about a woman who went to jail after she had sex with a man who the courts had deemed mentally incapacitated. This was a man who was intellectually disabled. And that just goes to show that there's hope for all of you guys here tonight. Able-bodied women are having sex with retards. I know I am. I love him. He's my best friend, my partner in crime, my PIC. You guys heard that? Partner in crime, PIC. But I'm Mexican.

So that would make me his SPIC. SPIC, it's Texas. Do you want me to spell that out for you guys? We actually just saw the Fantastic Four movie. I gave a hand job during it. I guess you could call it a Fantastic Five. That's been my time. I've been Jenny Rodriguez. Jenny Rodriguez. Welcome to the show, Jenny. Have you been on before? I have, a couple times. What did we find out the other times you were on about yo? I hate to throw this out here, but I work in a tire shop.

Whoa. Hell yeah. Amazing. I'm engaged. That's pretty much it from the last two times. Yeah, what does your man do? He works at Jared Jewelers. He's a jeweler. Oh, wow. Oh, we did pro wrestling. That was another thing that we did. Right now, we just finished clown school, actually. Okay. So that's another... Fucking good choice. Yeah. You learned stuff at clown school?

Did I learn this stuff at clowns? No. Did you learn a lot of stuff at clowns? Oh, I really did, actually. I learned how to do balloon animals. Do you have any balloons on you? I wish I did. I literally thought about bringing my skirt, but... Is there anything you could do in the clown world right now? if John played some clown music and we gave you a spotlight. One, two, three, four. Oh, shit. Uh-oh. Nothing, okay. I need props. Oh, all right.

I do a lot of, like, gimmick shit. I do, like, some magic tricks, but I'm not, like, really good. You know, it's all very sleight-of-hand stuff. What if somebody has a condom? Can you do something with a condom? Redband, thank you so much. You're a great... No, yeah, great. Thank you, Redband. Nobody here has a fucking condom, dude. It's not the 80s.

Jenny. Rodriguez. So how's stand-up been going for you? Stand-up's been going pretty well. The last few months I've been focusing on clown school, ironically. Wow. But I've been hitting mics, going to shows, just trying to do what I can around here. It is a little more difficult, I think, finding a good clique around here compared to where I was last.

before I moved here. I came from South Bend area. It's a small bar. Yo, go Irish. Are you a fan of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish? Definitely not, bro. Yeah. Notre Dame, more like Notre Lame. Yeah. Insane Clown Bossy sucks dick. I know. Football rules. I love sports. There you go. Well, Jenny, congratulations. You got picked for another minute. You've been on the show multiple times. There she goes, Jenny Rodriguez, everybody. We're going to keep flying through it. Here we go. On to the next one.

It's cooling down. We're at 80.4 degrees. We are around the corner from the 70s, everybody. This next bucket bowl is from the inside. Make some noise for Truly Joy. Truly Joy from the inside. Is that real? Oh wow, the furthest possible fucking seat in the entire venue. Literally can't make it up, everyone. How perfect. It's great. Awesome. You would think we would coordinate this better that someone signs up and they don't sit in the seat that's 97 seconds away from the front.

Season 2 out now on Netflix, everybody. Madison Square Garden coming up this week. The 15th. We do stand-up the 16th. We do kill Tony.

Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Open Phone. If you're running a business, you know that every time you miss a call, you're leaving money on the table. When every customer conversation matters, you need a phone system that keeps up and helps you stay connected 24-7. That's why you need Open Phone. number one business phone system that streamlines and scales your customer communications. It works through an

app on your phone or computer so no more carrying two phones or using a landline. With OpenPhone, your team can share one number and collaborate on customer calls and texts like a shared inbox. That way, any teammate can pick up right where the last person left off. keeping response times faster than ever. Tony, I love open phone. It's the best business phone system, hands down. Say goodbye to voicemail. Their AI agent can set up in minutes to handle calls after hours, answer questions.

and capture leads, so you never miss a customer. So whether you're a one-person operation, drowning in calls and texts, or have a large team that needs better collaboration tools, open phone is a no-brainer. I love a no-brainer. That's why I've been working with you for so long. Open phone is offering our listeners 20% off your first six months at open phone.com slash kill Tony. That's O P E N P H O N E.com slash kill Tony. And if you have a,

Existing numbers with another service, open phone will port them over at no extra charge. Open phone, no missed calls, no missed customers. Eczema isn't always obvious, but it's real. And so is the relief. From EbbGliss. After an initial dosing phase, about 4 in 10 people taking EpGliss achieved itch relief and clear or almost clear skin at 16 weeks. And most of those people maintain skin that's still more clear at one year with monthly dosing.

for two milliliter injection is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema. Also called atopic dermatitis that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals or who cannot use topical therapy. We'll see you next time.

Where the fuck is this fucking inside bucket pool? So I have pretty bad luck on dating apps. Like I literally don't get any matches. And I got this buddy who's just bragging about all the matches he has. So one day I was like, let's see him. He's on Grindr. And he's got tons of matches. That's kind of like a weird flex. But then it dawned on me, if I was gay, a lot of my problems would disappear. Like I wouldn't be as lonely, I would have better fashion sense, and I'd be in great shape.

Because you have to be strong to fuck a dude. Right? It's like fucking a bear. And then even jacking off in the mirror would be better. Like, come on, guys. Dial in, all right? You're jacking off in the mirror, and there's a hot dude jacking off to you in the mirror. Right? You start going faster, he starts going faster. Right?

And then you jack off and you bust a nut. And then this dude who's been jacking off to you for 25 minutes busts a nut to you busting a nut. Pretty fucking awesome if you're gay, right? Thank you. Julie... joy welcome back i like that you say jacking off would be in the mirror would be better if you're better as if you do jack off in the mirror have you ever fuck no look at me i don't want to see this shit

You jack off of the mirror? No, I don't. 25 minutes is crazy. That is crazy. You're going to milk it, dude. I'm not trying to bust a nut and it not be worth it, dude. Jack it off in the mirror for 25 minutes. Bro, don't knock it until you try it. I will. 25 minutes is what stands out about that material. Do you really extend your Jackoff experience for that long?

Yeah, when I do jack off, I definitely milk it, but I try not to. When you say milk it, are you implying... It's cold edging, guys. All right, whatever. I'm fucking weird, okay? So you last 25 minutes with yourself. When I do it, yeah, I try. When you're about to come, what do you picture? What do you mean, dude? Well, you're saying that you're edging, right? So like, how do you stop yourself? You watch something that turns you on. Uh-huh.

And then you, like, get ready and then you just ride that wave until you are ready to bust a nut. And then you plan on killing Bart Simpson. Yeah.

and you spend the rest of the night watching out for rakes on the ground or party rock whatever either one what do you tend to watch when you're jerking off truly joy um honestly i have a pretty vast spank bank so like i just what are some of the wild categories yeah what are some of the weirder things that you're into i'm into i like like dom sub stuff you know ds you got you know about that

I've heard of it. Who's the dom? Are you a dom or a sub? I'm a dom. Whoa. Dude, I'm already subbing out to you right now. This is crazy. Yeah, we're all sitting down in your dominoes, dude. You can't dom us like this while we're sitting down. Bro, sorry. Tony, give him a big notebook right now. Get rid of this Dom Daddy. Yeah. What's the craziest thing you've ever done Dom-wise in real life? Dom-wise. Um...

Picturing you in like a pig mask with your hair hanging out and everybody being like, well, we know who that is. I was living in LA and I was like going to these parties and it was pretty crazy. They were like, they're like, we're going to film this.

and i was like i was like i don't want to be filmed right and they're like put on a mask no one's gonna know who you are and i'm like yeah no one's gonna know the tall ass dude with afro and blue eyes but i just had them filmed behind me but i just had like this girl and they were like had all these toys i like you i like using my own parts and my hands and stuff but uh yeah they had like all these crazy toys so we did that stuff and i was just like

I would find myself like an open-minded person, you know? You work with your hands. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, no, that's toy bullshit. You're a hands man. How are you doming, though? Like, where was the dom coming? You got your cheeks? It's like sounding kind of sub. I'm not telling you. It's like, bro, you tell them what to do, you're in charge, you know? Like, there's some dudes that, like, want the girls to take control and shit. You know, like I want to be in control.

I'm in control. Oh, shit. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't look at my boy like that, dude, ever again. How dare you dom my friend. You watch out, Shane. Don't mute that. Come up here. Don't dom me, dude. I'm coming over there. I can't believe you. you're not doing good on dating apps. Yo. You're a handsome fella, you know? God damn. What do you do for work? I work in AV, freelance.

Wow. Mostly, yeah, I've never heard everyone saying that. Yeah. I've done some catering jobs since I moved here. Okay. Yeah. They make you wear a hairnet? They make me pull my hair back in a ponytail. Yeah. Damn. Yeah, it looks different. It's fucked up. It disappears. I have intense eye contact. Yeah. How about for fun? What do you do for fun? I like going to Whitehorse. I've been practicing two-step, like learning. I like Barton Springs. I go there almost every day.

nice you find anybody dom out there yeah a little bit a little bit yeah dude the girls out there are freaky yeah whoa And what's your love life like? Uh, I don't have a girlfriend here, but I have, like, a lover on the East Coast. You have a lover on the East Coast. Yeah, she's my sub. Jesus. What'd she do? Text her? Like you get some bro get the fuck out of here. Yo, oh, sorry

What the fuck, dude? You're so fucking horny and angry. He's like, what's his name? I'm like, bro, come on now. He said, what's his name, hilarious. I mean, what's his name? What's his name's a classic. I have a lover on these. What's your sub doing right now? Uh, she's probably sleeping, honestly. You should wake her up. Wake up. Yeah. Call her? A real Dom would wake her up. Damn, bro. I'm going to call her after this.

No, we're not going to. We're going to keep it moving along. Truly Joy, there he goes. Thank you, guys. There goes Truly Joy, everybody. Hell yeah. There he goes, everyone.

All right. Fist bumps for the Dom, Julie Joy. I thought he was pretty funny up there. All right. This looks like a fun name and a new name. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Mighty Mike, everyone. Mighty Mike. Okay. All right. Man, that last comic looked like Khalido from WWE, didn't he? What it's like to be cool? Nah, man.

Man, I'm about to quit comedy, man. This shit don't make no money in this motherfucker, man. I'm broke. Man, I'm so broke, man. I can't even be racist with my laundry. That's how broke I am. I feel like that's the last white racist activity. White and blacks set apart, buddy. I put the whites first. I'm black. I put the blacks first. Nigga, that's what the fuck.

Yeah, man. I'm out here mixing leftovers and shit. I made Jamaican food the other day. Rice and pasta. Call it rasta, nigga. Bumble clock. Nah, man. Oh, man. Trits. Yeah. Okay. That's the meow right there. All right. That's a cat? That's pussy? Okay. All right. Mighty Mike. All right. Slightly having a mental breakdown towards the end of his set there. Mighty Mike, welcome back. You've been on this show before.

Talk into the microphone there. We have mics here in America. Woo! With the shots. So what were you saying? Go ahead. No, I said I'm Mike Ayo Baby. Yeah, I put Mighty Mike. That's my stage name, Mighty Mike. I put that on there today. I was on here last time, right? No, I don't know. Shame, man. Respect, bro. I respect you, bro. Never mind. I thought I was. No, you wasn't. You wasn't. Oh, all right. Well, fuck. Maybe I'm racist. Yeah. Maybe I am actually racist.

You got up here, I was like, oh, I remember him. Shane Gillis made his ejection. I was like, he's very good. We know. Mike, relax, relax. So tell us what's been going on, Mike. You said you're broke. What do you do for work? Oh, I just got a new job at FedEx. The last time I was at Amazon. Okay. You're just still delivering packages. Still delivering packages, yes. The packages don't talk. The packages don't talk.

What do you mean by that excitement? I used to be in an office. I used to work in an office. And offices, people talk a lot. But when you... Now you're driving the truck. Yep. And you're dropping off the packages. Dropping them off, taking photos. How long you been doing that for? As far as dropping packages off. Again, I started with Amazon. I was like... Got the Amazon thing. We're talking about FedEx. FedEx is like...

Two weeks. So two weeks. No, no, a week, a week, a week. A week, a week, yes. So how do you do that? Do you have any specific style? Has anything crazy happened yet? No, no. I'm still training right now. A nigga's still training. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, they still got me training. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

All right, what have you learned so far? Man, you gotta put the packages where the white people want them, because they'll type up that review, man. Next thing you know. All right, you gotta keep them right where the black people can still get them. Man, you know what I'm saying? I helped my niggas out. I was in the hood today. I was in the hood today. You know, I helped my niggas out. I, you know. Hey, come quick, Brian. Get your shit. Oh, okie dokie.

uh mighty mike how about for fun what are some hobbies of yours what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up man when i'm done doing stand-up uh man think about how black people could be better That's what I think about. Same. What have you come up with exactly? We've been wondering the same thing. So you go right ahead. You know, I was chilling in my balcony the other day, man, blowing the trees. And I was like, man.

The head nod thing that black people do, man. We need to get rid of that. No, it's nice. I mean, fuck. We got to speak words, man. Hi. Hi. Hello. Well, if you do it like that, that's going to be a problem. If I was walking by and the black guy was like, hi. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like that. No, you know, you gotta smile, you know. What's up? I just did, huh? Exactly. No, the head thing's nice. I am head thin traumatized, man. I am head thin traumatized. Oh, yeah.

You're from Nigeria? I was born and raised in Nigeria, yes. You came here and you're telling the black Americans they're not doing it, right? What? Tell them to pull their pants up. I get it. You know? What else is on this list? What else is on your list of how they can do better? Number two on the list. Number two? Man, pay bills. Wow. Niggas could pay bills, bro. For real. For real.

Like when I had a lot of money, I used to pay my bills. I was like white man, just paying my bills on time. I don't got it like that no more right now. So I'm dodging too. I'm being black. Juking the bill collectors. Sunrise debt. Who is that? They call me at six in the morning every time.

Fuck them. I gotta tell you, this isn't a Rachel problem. This is, yeah. This is a me problem, huh? No, no. Well, yeah. Whoever the individual is, yeah. Okay. We've all been there. Yeah, I've dodged. I've dodged a deck. What do you owe money for? What are some of your debts? I know right now I owe Charter. Charter Communications right now, man. I owe them about $300. Who the fuck is that? Charter Communications. Spectrum. Spectrum. My bad. Spectrum. Spectrum. Okay. Wait, you have cable?

or is that internet no internet man come on don't you know matt hey boy whoa that's expensive okay you have kids No, no kids yet, man. Bro. How old are you? I just done 35. So how do you think you've avoided having kids? Man, I pull out game real good, man. I ain't gonna lie, bro. Explain to us. What's your method? Bro, I feel the... Like, when you about to bust a nut...

You get a pee feeling. That's the sign that guy give you first. Like, hey, hey, man, it ain't piss, it's the other one. Just take it out, and you bust. And I listen to that voice, and I'm nut right on her. And that's how I'm able to dodge that shit. Wow. Man, I don't know how niggas miss that pee feeling, man. Child support, not me. Do you see like a big figure of your father in the sky and James Earl Jones is like, pull out now, sir. Racist. I'm just playing. I'm playing. I'm playing.

No, my dad's still around, man. He's still around. Is he in Nigeria? No, no, no. He's here. Where is he exactly? He's in Minnesota. Okay. And what's he doing up in Minnesota? What does a Nigerian do in Minnesota exactly? Fights Somalis at the Mall of America. Yeah, exactly. He takes walks at the Mall. Yeah, he fights Somalis at the Mall of America. For real. They be fucking with my dad, man. They don't know my dad an OG, man.

He speaks Italian, too, so he could talk to the mob. No way. Yes. Wow. And it's true that Nigerians and Somalians don't get along. I mean, I fuck with them, but, you know, when they start picking that... I'm out of there. Whoa, bro. Whoa. What that mean? What's your least favorite thing about the Somalians? The what? Nothing.

Craziest thing you have in your refrigerator, Mighty Mike. You have a refrigerator, right? You have your own fridge? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a fridge. I got a fridge right now. What's the craziest thing we would find if we opened up your refrigerator right now? Some spinach and broccoli, nigga. Because a nigga eat healthy. No fried chicken. Wow. Incredible. Does that bring you to any other points? Do you get any special powers when you eat the spinach or broccoli?

You know, man, I do do in the morning. Okay. The dookie come right on time in the morning. Okie dokie. All right, Red Band. All right. Fun stuff. There goes Mighty Mike. You already have a big joke book? I already got one. There he goes. On to the next one. Yes, sir. Appreciate you. Thank you, Kilton.

Abercrombie is an official fashion partner of the NFL. And I'm CeeDee Lamb, wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys. You know I'm here for Abercrombie's Cowboys gear. That's not a question. But I need a whole wardrobe to go with it. No shade to the guys, but I'm used to having the best tunnel fits. This season, Abercrombie has me covered. Shop NFL by Abercrombie in the app, online, and in store.

Streaming September 4th on Peacock. We sell toilet tissue and local newspapers. That is in order of quality. From the crew that brought you The Office. My name is Ned Sampson. I am your new editor-in-chief. Comes a new comedy series. read this paper? Uh-huh. It sucks. But we are going to make it better. Meet the underdog journalists. I hope it's not too disruptive to have me shake everything up. Don't be so self-defecated. With major issues. Oscar. Oh, God.

Not again. The paper only on Peacock, September 4th. Ladies and gentlemen, it has happened. 79.9 degrees, everybody. We've hit it. We are officially in the 70s.

In this, the hottest episode of Kill Tony ever. Shane's gotta pee. Shane's gonna pee. Which means I'm just gonna bring up your next comedian make some noise for Shea Phillips everybody Shea Phillips. Oh shit So I know what y'all thinking right now. What the fuck is this fake-ass Kimbo Slice doing up here trying to make me laugh and shit? Supposed to be in the cage beating the shit out of people. What the fuck?

Recently, I've been trying to get back into dating, and I've been kind of struggling. I realize I struggle because I take words a little too literally. Like, I don't like when women call me daddy. Because something deep inside me, something deep in my DNA just makes me want to leave them. I don't know. It's like every time she says, ooh, daddy, I'm like, you know what?

We got all the milk. I'll be right back. She's like, you're lactose intolerant. I'm like, shit, man. Would you look at that? I'll get some Newports. I'll be right back. You don't smoke. I'm like, listen, bitch, you're going to be here on draft day, all right? You're going to the NFL.

A lot of people give me stupid-ass questions sometimes. They ask me, like, Shaylin, what's your favorite workout? Like, shoulder press? Chest press? Bench press? I'm like, bitch, I am depressed. The fuck? Why do you think I work out so much? Fuck yeah, Shay Phillips. Welcome to the show, Shay. This is your first time on? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand-up? About three, four years now. Three or four years. We're at...

Houston, Texas. Okay, that was what I was going to guess. Yeah. Hell yeah. What do you do for work in Houston? I'm a machinist. Whoa. Okay, what kind of machinery are we talking about? My biceps. Wow. Incredible. But seriously, what kind of machines do you work with? CNC? I don't know. I just press buttons and shit, dog. Okay. Awesome. Sounds professional. As fuck. Hell yeah. And you don't have kids? No. Not that I know of.

You have a girlfriend? Nah. You're just single. Running machines. What do you do for fun? I like to lift weights. I like to choke people. I do jujitsu and shit. You do jujitsu? Yeah, man. Wow. Okay, like eat a lot of food. Yeah, you know, what do you like to eat? barbecue barbecue what? Very good You just won the game, everybody. He got out of me, motherfucker. Hell yeah. Shay, how often do you come to Austin, Texas to sign up for the show? First time.

first time yes look at you yeah you got lucky incredible is that one of the dogs i'm sorry that is you remember la mare Yeah. LaMera, you look fucking good, bro. Yeah. You heard of LaMera. This is LaScare. Hey, I'm just saying. This is the last thing you want. LaMera got on some HGH, some TRT. Hell yeah.

Okay, Shay, craziest thing that's happened to you at the gym? Anything ever stand out to you? Any white women ever accuse you of staring at them or something like that? No, but I did have an old white lady trying to kidnap me one time. Ooh, tell us all about it. Well, I'm at the gym and shit, and she goes, oh, well, I just need help getting out to my car, getting blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, lady, I don't work here.

But instead, she started dragging me outside and shit. She's like, I can't carry this by myself. Get inside the car, motherfucker. I'm like, hold up, bitch. You think she was trying to have sex with you? I think she wanted me to pick up a bunch of heavy shit for her. I'm like, nah, dog, you know.

Yeah. You ever heard of Juneteenth, bitch? Yeah. Emancipation proclamation, I'm free. Absolutely. What did she want you to pick up for herself? Yeah, she was a fat bitch. What do you expect, dude? Was she fat? Yeah. Yeah. Shucks. She tried to get me. That could have been great. How old? Old enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old enough that you would be like. Old enough for a 401k? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why'd you hesitate?

I'm stupid. I wanted to keep doing comedy. You probably did the right thing, actually. I don't know. I could have had a better life, man. Sure. Interesting. Shay, what's the craziest thing about your life that we would find interesting about you? You ever save anyone's life? Accomplish anything? Any big awards or anything like that? Let's see. The craziest thing I ever did in my life, dude.

When I was in the military, there was a kid that was trying to walk home. But it turns out that this island floods like crazy and shit. So as the kid's walking, his face is like, sitting his face out the water and stuff. i basically had to carry the home you know he didn't drown where was this at the marshall islands wow yeah and what exactly what branch of the military were you in i was in the navy and what did you do exactly in the navy

I was in the construction forces. I was a mechanic. Okay. Wow. Look at you helping someone else not drown. Absolutely amazing. I had to pass the swim test, dog. Yep. Look at that. Okay, Shay. Three or four years in Houston. Your first time on. Very fun. And here is... Oh, we don't have any mediums. I guess you're getting a big one. There you go. Shay Phillips. Boom. Shea Phillips. Yeah, bro. Oh, shit. I did that one quick, huh? Oops. Hey, look, it's the lovely Heidi.

This episode is brought to you by ExpressVPN. We went close there. Yeah. How many people like it when comedians do good on this show? Do any of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. Are you sure? They do. Almost everyone's doing bad. Yeah. They like it. It is hot. It is hot. Yeah. No doubt about it. For those of you watching on the internet, congratulations. This is the episode to be in the air conditioning for. If it was cold, we'd be fucking killing. Yeah.

It would be a whole different episode. It's crazy. But, you know, it happens sometimes. Every once in a great, great while. Okay. Awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next comedian. You guys having fun out there still?

Do we care about how hot it is in the room? Make some noise for Nate Ortiz, everyone. I've been on all the apps lately. I've been on Tinder, Bumble, DoorDash. Just looking for love and McNuggets at this point, you know? I'll entertain a Salvadorian man if he's giving me Subway, you know? Just want to watch Smackdown, dude? I even paid 20 bucks for that Tinder premium to find out.

The two women I matched with looked just like me. Same facial hair and everything. It got to the point I had to ask my buddies for advice. I'm like, hey man, how do I get better matches? How do I beat this algorithm? They're like, hey, you should start losing some weight, bro. You start to look like a Puerto Rican mom from the back. So I said, wepa, dude.

So I updated my Tinder profile. I said from the front, I look like if Hagrid started a Twitch channel. But from the back, dude, looks like I'm washing dishes while salsa dancing. Thank you. Nate Ortiz. This is your first time on the show, right? Yes, yes. Yeah, for a very first time. Awesome. How long have you been on stand-up? Five years in Houston.

Wow, you're from Houston, too, huh? Did you know Shea? I'm sorry? Did you know Shea? I know Shea. We're actually the same weight. Wow. His personal trainer. All right, fuck you guys, dude. It's real. Nate, what do you do for work? I actually just got laid off Saturday. Yeah? Countries and... Shambles. Yeah. I've noticed that. They found out that I actually wasn't white and I was fully Puerto Rican. And they let me go. Where was this shop? I was selling Samsung phones.

That's a mostly Puerto Rican job. Our clientele is very Middle Eastern, very Nigerian. A lot of haggling. I'm not good with it. Hagelin Nigerians. I don't even know how to spell the words, so I just gave them a good deal. You do have the ass of a phone store manager. I'm surprised I let you go. I did work at T-Mobile. That's actually the most Hispanic thing about me. It's crazy.

Oh. So why exactly did they let you go? Oh, I was very late three times. Ah. Why? Why were you late? I did coke till 7 a.m. Ah, there it is. That's why you're shaped like that. The mixture of bad food and cocaine. Yeah. I'd say good decisions, but okay. What's the most fun that you've ever had on cocaine until 7 a.m.? My cocaine song is actually You Can Call Me Al.

by Paul Simon, and I like listening to it in tighty-whities, but, yeah. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, you do cocaine by yourself? Oh, it's the best. I don't have to share it with nobody. Yeah. I've been there, brother. I just lost my job, Tony. I can't... You get home, you go, oh, I still have some left from the party. Now it's time to keep going. Then you jack off in the mirror.

That's a good time. Till like 9 a.m. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's too much. It's a real negative experience. Yeah. But for a while, it's awesome. When you're in your underwear dancing to fucking Paul Simon. Pretty great. That's a good time. You had a great special on YouTube. Thank you, man. It's incredible how much you look like an unhealthy version of one of my friends. Phillip, can you come down here? I want to do a side-by-side of you and my friend Phillip. Where's Phillip at?

Tony, the cocaine, I actually lost like 60 pounds, dude. So this is the healthiest I've been in years. We're going to do it. Well, incredible. Are you still doing a lot of cocaine? Oh, yeah, I was doing it a lot earlier later. Earlier. Hell, yeah. You need a bump? No, no, I'm good. Permanently good. Do you have a bump? Nope. All right. I don't do it.

How do you afford it if you're out of a job? I'm not really a comedian. I do the shows for the pay and the free drink tickets, so that's really it. You got into fucking comedy for the pay? No, I got it for the free drinks, dude. Yeah. Well, you said pay, y'all, but whatever. Pay it.

Even for free drinks, it doesn't make sense. Here's a healthy version of yourself. Stand side by side with you. Side by side. Side by side. Keep going up, Phillip. Keep going up. Keep going up. Now stand side by side. Square up to a camera. Look at a camera together. Look at the one on the right over there. Look at that guy. Yeah. See the faces? That's what you could look like if you just ate sushi and didn't do cocaine. And Phil, you've been losing a little weight.

When you were jumping, you really did look like that guy. I lost 30 pounds, not like 130. You're saying you should do meth. That's the thing. That's actually more expensive. I tried. So, incredible. Phillip, do you have any advice for him on exactly how to get his life together? Well, I lost like 30 pounds. You'd need to lose a little bit more than that.

Eat healthy, drink a lot of water. You ever hear that? Do less coke. I don't know. Or more. More coke. I know, Tony, I know you saw me hesitate. Yeah. Because when you said Philip, I was like... Is there another Philip up here? I don't look anything like this dude. Yeah, you look exactly like him. You have the exact same face. Unfortunately, he's just so much fatter, only I can see it. But yeah, you have the same face. If something terrible happened and you completely went...

Lieutenant Dan on yourself, this is what you would look like. I feel like this sucks for both of you right now. Yeah, it does. Phillip has a new podcast on the Your Mom's House Network. What's that called? uh the not a damn chance podcast not a damn chance podcast there you go there's a free plug there goes philip And Nate Ortiz, anything else crazy we should know about you? You seem like you have a lot of backstory to it. My ex-girlfriend was non-binary. Whoa. What was his name?

We wore the same bra, yeah, it was great. Was it always non-binary, or did that happen when you were dating it? I didn't know until we were fucking. And then what did you find out? You used the wrong pronoun while you were fucking? She kept calling me brother, you know, like Hulk Hogan. Oh, damn. R.I.P. I was like, wait, what? No, no.

I had a lot of hard times with whatever. Because I couldn't figure out words to say during an argument. So I just kept saying shit my dad said. So I was like, hey, calm down, slugger. Yeah. You got that one, champ. You can't call her a bitch. You got to be like, hey, jerk. The whole thing's so weird to me. Was she non-binary when you started dating her? No, she looked beautiful, dude. And then we got together and then cut all her hair off. And what else changed other than the haircut?

Her pits got hairier. And what else changed? Her legs got, everything got hairier. That was... Wow. That was not a good experience. And was she... on medication at the time? I don't know. Liberalism, I don't know. No, but I liked it because she was the only one to allow me to just face fuck all night, which was really great. What do you mean by that exactly? You mean do cocaine? I put fupa on the chin, Tony. That was... Oh, fuck me.

You know what? You actually did good, so here's a good joke. There you go. Just throwing joke books at people tonight. He's bouncing them right off there. Oh, okay. Thank you, guys. Bye. There he goes. There he goes. All right, another bucket pool. We are back into the 80s. It's 80.2 degrees for those of you paying attention. Somehow it's getting warmer again, everybody. Who likes it hot in here?

Okay. Hey, by the way, Dean didn't do shit. Huh? Where the fuck is Dean? Yeah, Dean fucked up. He gave us two degrees less. Yeah. Fuck Dean. Bring Dean's bitch ass down here. I'm going to shave his head. Give him a crew cut. Tell him to start acting right. Pulled another name. Let's go. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Joe Filey. Joe Filey. Whoa.

Fuck yeah, mother shit. God damn. I'm getting real tired of getting called white trash. I think I'm like upper middle class trash. You know what I mean? Like we got some money with the problems. My sister invents her own parties and holidays like she had a skin tone reveal party If you don't know what that is, it's just she fucked three guys that year and didn't have health insurance and they all came to the hospital. My dad held the baby up like Lion King style. It was like a skin tone.

It was crazy cuz like I don't know it sounds horrible. I have to say but like how good is my sister's pussy cuz I As a white guy, you know how good the pussy would have to be for me to go with a black guy and a Mexican guy to the hospital to find out if it's my kid? And then you still stay around and raise the black kid as the white guy? Like, it was crazy.

Two days before, I was 12, and two days before, I knew that the baby was going to be black. Because we were in the hospital, and the black guy's like, yo, I need to go get some milk. And left the hospital. Like they have it here. All right, that's my time. Thank y'all Joe Filey Good job, Joe. Thank you. Thank you You've been on this show before, am I correct? Or have I just seen you hiding under my bed when I was a kid?

I mean, the bed, the bridge, but yeah, this is my third time on here. Hell yeah, welcome back, Joe. This had to be your best set of them all, am I correct? For sure, for sure. Yes, absolutely. You've been working hard. Oh yeah, working and just, I don't know, not partying as much. Hell yeah. Absolutely. What kind of partying were you doing? Oh, there was a lot of Coke. Well, I mean, the bag said Coke on it, but it tasted funny. But there was a lot of Coke for a while there.

A lot of shrooms, LSD, weed. It's 6th Street. There's no rules here. I don't make the rules of 6th Street. Absolutely. Incredible. And how long has it been since you had the operation to remove the backside horse part of your body? About 2,000 years, Tony. Incredible.

Incredible. I still want to make wishes every time I see you, Joe. Listen, they're saying there's nothing wrong with the water in East Palestine, so I'm going to keep drinking the tap water in Ohio. You know what I mean? Yeah, where are you from? Well, Youngstown, Ohio. Oh, nice. You are from Youngstown, Ohio? Yeah, I grew up on South Bonaire and then East Florida Ave in Youngstown.

Holy shit. Yeah. Wow, look at you. Even for Youngstown, you're weird looking, dude. I'm the one white guy in the hood they didn't fuck with. I have a look, I know. That is incredible. Yeah, I didn't know it was white hood. I thought it was Amish. No, it's not. Same beard. It's not Amish at all in Youngstown, unfortunately.

There's very few people that look like Joe Filey. I could see why the black people would get scared of you. I was the needle in the haystack, I guess you would say. That was definitely... Huh? I said I was the needle in the haystack for sure in Youngstown. That was... Right. Yeah. For sure. What do you do for work, Joe Feily? Right now, I work at a weed shop on 6th Street. Okay.

All right. God damn. Can you imagine buying weed? I must have a good face for selling weed. They love it. Yeah. I don't know if it's like the Brow Ridge, but they come in like, honey, this weed works. Fuck the THCA label. Like, we're getting the weed. Right. No doubt about it. They're like, this weed will make your eyes move apart from one another.

You have a girlfriend? No, fuck no. What's dating like? Being, looking, having a... What, like me? Have you heard of the Dollhouse ATX? I know you're sponsored by the Yellow Rose. Uh-huh, and Red Rose. But the Dollhouse ATX is way doper. It's like Pornhub, but you rent the chick by the hour. They have a search bar. Each chick has categories. They're probably getting shut. Look, Redman's nodding. He knows. He's been there. Oh, Redman knows. Well, well, well.

been playing at the dollhouse. The craziest part was you followed it with the sunset page. I can grab my... When I follow the page... Oh! Busted! Order in the court we hereby find the defendant completely guilty. Yo, isn't your wife here? You can see her at the dollhouse tonight. No, actually, I heard about it from Joe White. Okay, just... Is it the place where you could, like, rent, like, a room? Yeah, that's what he just said. Oh, yeah, it's like Liam Neeson.

They put sheets in the bigger rooms to divide them up. What's the craziest thing you've done at the dollhouse ATX? Oh, God. What? That there was like this poor little Colombian chick and it was like that I wanted a Charlie Sheen So like hold on nice and slow poor little Colombian chef you didn't happen to have a 30-cent OnlyFans But

I wanted a Charlie Sheen, so, like, I put some coke on my dick, I had her snort it and suck the rest. And, like, midway through the suck, she was like, 200 more, and I just paid it to her, because it was worth... That's not even a lie. Like, I could...

Wow. I wish it wasn't. My parents are going to see this. They're huge fans. Yeah, absolutely. They are going to see what you're up to. They're also definitely siblings. Yeah. So... 200 bucks and you basically got a blow job at a strip club yeah kind of halfway this is a ringing endorsement for dollhouse atx i mean i almost feel bad for the red rose and yellow rose because this is

Quite the ad read. Listen, they don't have no Heidi's at the dollhouse, all right? If you're going to the dollhouse, you're a Heidi. No doubt about it. They have running Heidi's. You can run, but you can't Heidi. The chicks there probably look like you. There's a couple. Yeah. There's a $50 menu for sure. There's like a 3 p.m. happy hour. My God.

It's fourth meal. So you make money at the weed shop and then you lug it over to the dollhouse ATX. Oh, that's like a once every two month thing. That's like a red lobster. You know what I mean? Like every two months you can go. You got some cheddar bay biscuits. You really are from Youngstown. That confirms it. Everyone in Youngstown thinks Red Lobster is an every two-month celebration.

It really is. I was shocked when I grew up and got just a little bit of success and was like, oh, wow, this is not the best restaurant in the world. It's incredible. I was tricked for the first 18 or 19 years of my life. I went there after my confirmation. It was a big deal. The best. Red Lobster was huge. The best. I mean, you could just count on it. Big shrimp cocktail. All the biscuits? Come on. Come on. No doubt about it. So. So you're getting coke on your dick with a sex slave at the place.

Sex slave, in Thailand, they felt like sex slave, Shane. Oh, you went to Thailand? Yeah, I've been to Bangkok before. Holy shit. Whoa. I have this look, brother. When I landed in Thailand, there's like 30 bitches there. He's the one. If you learn Russian, you'll be fucking sick, dude. You look like a Dagestani wrestler. I can't fight at all. I carry a gun. Fuck that. CCW class is like eight hours and you're just as tough as them. We're going to read a couple Yelp reviews here for Dollhouse ATX.

The guy from the Geico commercials keeps coming. We went in here thinking it was a sex shop. We were half right. They have a very small collection of lingerie and sex toys, but they have several women there in lingerie. so I think they might be in the business of selling something, all capital letters, ELSE. If you want sex toys, go next door. It has a much larger selection. Wait, who the fuck wrote that? It says Matt M. Nick.

Some piece of shit named Matt M wrote that. I was on the search for a giant dildo. There was a bunch of naked ladies wanting to have sex with me. Yeah, exactly. I hated it. There's a four-star review from James. Here we go. It starts with, this is how you know it's... It starts with, okay, here's the deal. You go in, and there's a lobby. Costs $65 just to get into the main area. Is that true? It's like $55 on Sunday nights and Monday nights. Wow, look at that.

On discount. Yeah. Early bird special. Working on a budget. If you want a private show, it costs another $65, and you pick your model. And if there's more than one working there, you've already spent $130 to get a non-nude dance. If you want nudity, it's $100. Is that true? $75 on Sunday. There you go.

So to get in from the lobby and get a full new dance costs 165 bucks total any day but Sunday If you have money to burn and like the idea of being in your own room one-on-one with a hot model dancing and grinding in your lap It's cool. I personally prefer that to going to say yellow rose where there's too many drunk assholes making the place noisy oh my god i'm sorry

Sorry to our great sponsors. This is fucked up. Look what you've done. I'll mention you when I go there next. No, no, it's okay. Shout out. Shout outs to Kill Tony. What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you at the dollhouse ATX? Oh, I don't like anything in my butt, and the one chick was too hot to say no, so I just let her play a little bit. Whoa, what did she put in here? I didn't realize, like, the nice day had two drawers, so she opened the first one, and I don't know.

at like level one through five and it's like i can take five but let's start with one and i didn't know there was like a level six through ten in the second drawer down I made it to eight without yelling, so that was... Were you facing the other way or something? You just didn't see what was going on? You're face down in the bed, and you're peeping over. She doesn't want you to see what's in the drawer. Right. Right.

And how much... Dude, wait, you're paid, right? Yeah. Yeah, you could have spoke up. Yeah, but now... When number five was in your aspect, let me talk to a manager right now. That's ridiculous. She was the manager. That was the manager special. Oh, shit. Wow. It was a $75 manager special on a Sunday, and I got pegged, all right? Wow. This place is going to be packed on Sundays from now on. This is completely backfired. Backfire is also what happened that day for you.

You have a big joke book from here yet? I got a couple. You have a couple big joke books? I mean, they're pretty full. Perfect. There you go. Fill them up. Thank you, sir. There goes Joe Filey, ladies and gentlemen. Let's do one more bucket poll. We've had a lot on today. We've been flying through these interviews, believe it or not. Make some noise for your final bucket poll. How about another hand for Heidi, everybody?

Your final bucket pull of the night. Make some noise for Ramis, everyone. Or Ramb. Or Ramis. Okay. Hello, hello.

So last time I was here, I was thinking about bags and boxes. Yeah, and I actually worked for a moving company. I was telling Tony that, and, you know, one time I was moving this dude, and I thought he had Down syndrome, so I'm looking him weird.

He looking at me weird. And I'm like, I don't know, you know? So I'm trying to be all extra soft. And then he said, like, yo, I went to ASU. And I grew up in Phoenix. So I'm like, oh, where? Yeah. I did shrooms. And I smoked weed and drank and shit. And I'm like.

Wait a minute, they let people with Down syndrome do that shit? You know? That's not normal. And then at the end of the job, he gave us like 60 bucks. So I knew we didn't have Downs because I was like, otherwise he would have gave us like Cheez-Its, maybe some jelly beans.

Like a single marshmallow. But you gotta take it. You can't... It's gonna stick to your fingers, but you gotta take it. You can't not say no, right? Yeah, that's my name, Ram B. Thank you. Is that short of a minute? Yeah. Okay.

50 seconds from Ramis? I'll take it. I'll take it. Ram B, actually. Ram B. Yeah, I think there was something. Yep. There's a little space. You left a space between the line down and that S. you might have called the wrong name no i didn't it's your handwriting sucks i'll take it let's go you see that can you confirm that looks like a ramus no separation between the 100 ram ram

B. R-A-M-B. Yeah. Oh, but you're saying... Right, because it doesn't connect. Yes. I even did a capital B. That's you. Yeah, that's you. Ram. B. Ram. Spell it like lamb. Yeah. Okay. Ram. That's fair. And the set was bad. How long you been doing stand-up, Ram B? I moved here in 2021, and I did about 10 open mics in Wisconsin before that. So about four years.

But I have taken some months off because of life shit. You know, my dad, my pop spaz and some other stuff. I'm just being honest. I'm just being honest. But I have stayed consistent with writing. through that four years so i've been doing the four years basically that was around about stay away four years yep got it how did dad die uh leukemia he beat it once and then it came back Wow, he beat leukemia once. Leukemia is your mom's name? Depends on who you ask, I guess. All right, so.

She's going to love that joke. I love it. To be honest. So how do you make money? I work at a call center internet company, but I can't say it. You know what I'm saying? You like it? It works for right now. What are the hours like? When do I get there or what are the hours? No, I'm joking. 10 to 7. Okay. Do you have any trouble waking up in the morning? You know, before this show, I didn't...

You know, I was an early riser, and now I'm like, you know what? Fuck it, I'm going to sleep till about 9.30. You know, like, you know. Got it. I gave myself some leeway. What do you do? It's like, what do you call it? Self-care? Sure. What do you do at nighttime for fun? I go do mics, and then I also play. Wow. Random police button from Red Dead. I dodge cops. But I dodge cops on Red Dead Redemption 2. That's the kind of shit I do.

You know what I mean? Grand Theft Auto. Have you ever gotten arrested? Never. Actually, do you know what's funny? Is a lot of people get surprised that I've never been to jail. And when they meet me and talk to me longer, they're like, I can't even fucking believe it. But it's just because I've been lucky, to be honest. Wow. You never heard of Sammy the Bull? Yeah. All right. Well, I was in Arizona, and at the time, about 22 years old. Now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn't say this.

No, go ahead. Fuck it. Go ahead. Fuck it. Let it out. Yeah. Taxes will probably get me before this anyway. But I'm joking. But. He was doing like an ecstasy ring. And my dude that I was living with was dealing ecstasy. And every now and then we'd make a few bucks on the weekend or whatever, you know. And then all of a sudden we saw the dude that we were getting the pills from in the parking lot on the news.

And I wasn't a very good drug dealer. That was the end of my drug dealing days, right there. Wow. Yeah. 23 people were in that ecstasy ring. You can go look it up.

it's real shit wow yeah and you were in it but you didn't no no no no no no no no no no tony's not incriminating ram today oh ramus as you say yeah ramus ramus let's be clear rambi i love it what's your love life like rambi uh we talked about this last time i don't know if you remember i was back to the bags and boxes and i sang the song about the girl not calling me back you know yeah yeah

So she still ain't called. I'm chilling, man. I'm really just trying to build my life up and not really worry about that side of my life because, you know. No kids. My daughter's 21, living her life, doing her thing. Wow. Yeah, doing very good, actually, yeah. College and everything and shit. How much did you contribute to that child being a success? I raised her half. I lived in Wisconsin for 20 years, which was very much a sacrifice. Yeah.

Yeah, after growing up in Phoenix, it was like, fuck this shit. Hey. Yeah, we're in Phoenix. Wait, we're in Phoenix. No, no, no. How'd you end up in Wisconsin? Because her mom was from Wisconsin, and so we moved there.

And so I stayed there after we broke up to raise her. White mom? 50%. Yeah, white mom. Of course. How did the white parents take to you moving to Wisconsin? Pops were... right can you give an example of what that means these these people have no all right the whole family hates me let's just be right yeah but how do you know i've given us an example oh man that's rough man because they might see this

They might. So what's one good little story? You're not naming them out by name. Could be any family. You ever have somebody look at you like this? Like for way too long, right? Like that? Yeah. It was constantly that. You know what I mean? Wow. Yeah. Okay. Even at Thanksgiving, you're supposed to have a good, hey, let's hang out, hey. They never said anything disrespectful or anything, though?

Nothing in particular, just a look. I almost fought some family members. Yeah. Yeah. Wisconsin was an interesting time. I'll just say that. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I recently went back there, and a bar owner looked at me across the bar for a while, like...

I think I know this motherfucker. Like, I'm serious. And he just kept looking at me. And I'm like, why is he looking at me? And I forgot that I had tried to fight him about 10 years ago. Yeah. Yeah. You know. How could you forget about that? Well, you know.

I'm 47, so if you live a life where you kind of fault some people, you forget. And it's 2 a.m. And he accused me of something I didn't do. So I was extra charged. And he's behind the bar yelling at me. And I'm like, hey, I'll fuck you up type shit.

you know and well i didn't i was i'm proud of myself actually and i very much matured i wouldn't fight nobody these days incredible you're 47 years old yeah you successfully raised a 21 year old daughter yes sir you've avoided getting arrested yeah i'm a

a miracle right now, right? Yeah. What's your secret? Here's the funny thing. What's your secret? I was born at six months, two pounds, right? Wow. So I've been a miracle over and over again. All them stats, I'm like LeBron, right? You know what I'm saying? I'm 47 and I'm still going, baby. You know what I'm saying? Amazing. I really feel that way. Like, I wake up every morning like, you're LeBron.

Not Ronnie. And then you go to a call center and take calls. Yeah, I know, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know, I know. Someone's just yelling, get him, Shane. Let's go, Shane. No, I appreciate, yeah. Hey, I wish I had a drink. They took my drink the way I had this. Oh, they took your drink? I had some vodka. I had to sit it down. They take your drink?

Yeah, well, I couldn't bring it down the alley. You know what I mean? I couldn't do that. You can't. I would love to toast you, though. We could do a black fist up. Yep. There you go. All right, Ram B. I appreciate y'all. You already have a big joke book? No, I got a small one. Well, guess what, buddy? You're getting the Extra Dark Edition Kill Tony joke book. Congratulations. to Ram B. Not Ramis at all. It's Ram B. All right.

It's been a hell of an episode, the hottest episode in the history of Kill Tony. We went from the 80s to the 70s, back to the 80s, and I'm pleased to report that we are back at 79.9 degrees right now. 50% humidity, a very rare treat. It does not work for comedy at all. But... You guys are a bunch of superheroes, and we thank you. Congratulations to you. And for your herodom, you shall be rewarded. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the record holder for all-time appearances on this show.

show. All-time interviews on this show.

the reigning defending Hall of Famer, the Emperor of ExpressVPN, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, this is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, everybody. Austin, I'm so excited to announce to everybody. I'm actually about to start auditioning for my first feature-length film. The guy seems super nice. He actually sent the script to my father back in Memphis, which was weird as shit. It's like...

How do you even get his fucking address? But I'm really excited. Ozzy Osbourne died, yeah, 30 years ago. I'm doing my first intervention tomorrow, and I've got a ton of anxiety because I just don't know... I don't know what to wear. And that's a true one. Okay, let's keep it moving. Ah, it's sad. If you don't want me to join a cult, quit wearing all those groovy clothes in your propaganda videos. And we get free juice. Sign me the fuck up.

Free love, no taxes, VIP access to a spaceship heading to heaven, and I get to wear the most stylish fits, Presbyterian Church, seat your ass down! Asking for that 10% tithe shit, my cult keeps it. God damn it, I missed that part of it. Presbyterian Church, take your ass down. Asking for that 10% tithe. Shit, my cult wants 100% of my assets and they're gonna keep it 100. You know what I'm saying?

Have y'all seen the trailer for the new moderate to severe plaque psoriasis commercial? Okay, that's my time. William Montgomery has done it again. All right, yeah. I got you, yeah. The intervention's tough. Yeah, I wore a fucking Notre Dame coaches polo to my sister's intervention. Sat in a hotel in Pittsburgh like, you gotta make some change. So what are you wearing to that? You can't wear something cool. You gotta go to Tux. Tux is fucking crazy. I know you're doing heroin. My name is Bond.

Yeah, maybe a coat and tie. I don't have a touch, but I have a suit. Maybe a suit could work. Yeah. Or you could go to Notre Dame Coaches Bowl. It worked. My sister stopped doing heroin. Well, too bad I fucking can't stand Notre Dame, dude. I'm a Florida Gators fan. I cannot stand after the whole fucking...

After the whole Manti Teo debacle y'all handled, I can't stand Notre Dame. No, no, no. How was that a debacle, dude? He was innocent. Also, yeah, whatever. You guys are totally irrelevant these days, so whatever. You had a good run. Maybe this year. Okay, but... William, this is incredible. This intervention... This intervention you're doing, is this for a family member, a friend? What are they on?

Are they having a good time or a tired time? I don't know. Think of a tired time. They're sleepy. Yes, very sleepy. Yeah, I had a sleepy intervention myself. Yeah, is that the one with the Notre Dame jersey, or was that another one? Notre Dame coaches polo. What, was your sister just getting really sleepy? She was just getting a little sleepy. She was on drugs and stuff? Yeah. Like downers? Yeah, heroin.

And then, yeah, that makes you nod off, and I think that's the situation I'm dealing with. Yeah. Well, are they mean a lot now? Have they turned mean when they're not on it? Are they stealing stuff a little? A little bit. Yeah. I can't have them over in my apartment anymore. That's probably heroin. And then you go, what the fuck? Yeah. But it's surprising how quickly they come back. You go, there's that person I liked. Well, we'll see. Well, good luck.

I'm praying. Thank you. What's your speech? What's your speech going to be? Yeah, can you give us an example? Stop doing hell! Yeah, dude, do that. You deserve it! Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta stop doing that shit, man! We're out worried about your motherfucking ass, dude! We need you eating Cheddar Bay Biscuits again. He literally is not hungry anymore. He used to go to fucking...

That plays with me all the time, but yeah, we're going to get him eating Cheddar Bay Biscuits again. We're going to get it figured out. Are you saying Cheddar Day? Cheddar Bay Biscuits? Cheddar Bay. Yeah, Cheddar Bay Biscuits. but yeah oh my gosh tony this past weekend just to look at old sets i watched every single and i've never done this and tony i want to say my heart was melting a little bit because when i'm doing these jokes

I don't really ever see y'all's reactions too much or people up here reaction. And it always made me smile to myself when I could see your ass laughing at some of my jokes and red band. I do have to say. I don't feel horrible about talking about your slutty ass mom every single time. It was like probably in a hundred sets of mine, I was talking shit about your mom. So I did have a very nice weekend just reminiscing over these times. I had never gone back.

and watch them all three yeah red man you you brought those prop glasses just for this moment with william you've been wearing these are real glasses but you put them on now yeah i always put them on at the end So I don't forget him. Wait, you never notice that? He always puts his glasses on at the end. No. No, he's never done that before. Come on, man. It's a classic Kill Town. He did. When the glasses come on, you know it's wrapping up. What do you think about Red Band's glasses, William?

I think they make them look a lot smarter. and i had been worried he's been looking kind of stupid recently and i think i think thank god with those glasses they make you look a lot smarter red bean i'm kidding you look like a weird homeless kind of person you look scary with those glasses i take them off are those even prescription glasses, Redman? Yes, they are. They are? How much do they cost? 350. That's embarrassing, dumbass. I was thinking you were going to say something like that.

But no, Red Band, you actually do look better, I swear to God. You somehow used to look worse, I think. I mean, you still look okay. You're getting worse, but... Is this the intervention that you were planning? Yes, yeah, Red Band, we have to get you... you

About of your apartment, man. I mean, we have to get you. I know you've been holed up up there a long time. We know you're fucking super depressed. You've been on VR way longer than normal recently. My girl's a stripper at the dollhouse, man. My girl's a stripper at the dollhouse, man.

Tell us about this new plaque and psoriasis commercial. Not many of us have seen it. It's just this nasty looking bitch walking around with all these fucking, like, it looks like she got real sunburned on different parts of her body. That's what plaque psoriasis is. It's like this nasty... disease people get. I don't know if it's sexually transmitted. I don't know how people get it, but it's just this real sickening disease people get. Yeah, no. So the commercial seems really good.

It's just getting more. It's going to get people on these pills. Let's go back to the intervention for a second. Have you planned a speech for this? Have you written a speech? I was starting to write some earlier. And I'm going to finish it up tomorrow. Don't do it. Don't read like a... So I shouldn't read? Yeah, what do you think? Do I go from the heart? Do a brand new minute. Yeah, go from the heart on the intervention.

If you read, it's crazy. It better kill. It better kill. It's like everybody reads like it's a fucking best man speech. I sat in the room and everyone was like, I'm a little nervous. Yeah. It's like, this is about her. Yeah, let her run. Yeah. Okay. Let it flow. Oh, and thank you to the fucking horrible person that belched right there. We're talking about a friend of mine that's literally dying, and I hear this monster burp right there. That was you? That was a nice homosexual couple right here?

But you burping on his dick, bitch! Wow. It's amazing how you do that. It makes the whole place light up all crazy. Tony, I am stinking tonight. This is weird. I swear I think they did the formulation of Old Spice deodorant differently, dude. I've been starting to stink at night now. Ooh. Yeah. It's never happened before. I've never stunk like this. This is a new thing. Have you changed your diet at all?

I just Metamucil out the frame. I'm up to four cups of it a day and I did shit twice today, which is great because I did go a span of time of three days this past week without shitting. Wow. But I'm doing so much row. I'm at 720 miles on the row machine since January. So I just feel like my body's actually really using all the bananas, all the stuff I'm eating. It's going straight to my muscles is what my guess is. So that's why I'm not doodooing.

all the like the peanut butter crackers fucking bananas and shit going straight to my muscles so what else goes straight to your muscles give us some examples of things that go straight to your i mean you know i'm drinking a fucking protein shake with skim

But no, weirdly enough, a lot of jelly beans. I think a lot of these sports people are saying, go down on the sugar. No, jelly beans are good. The popcorn, the buttered popcorn, jelly beans. I'm all up in those right now, Tony. And I'm going to bring some to the intervention tomorrow. I feel like everybody loves a... Yeah, get them hooked on something.

Yeah. Yeah. You think that's good? Try this. Yeah. Try these jelly beans. But I got to tell you, a lot of heroin people, they're going to go straight to candy as soon as they get done. He's going right to those jelly beans. Yeah. If it's heroin. Whatever. Is it heroin? Is that the main drug of the person getting the intervention? Yeah, amongst a cornucopia of other things. Ooh, cornucopia. He's doing other heroin and other stuff. Oh, yeah, it's time for an intervention.

Wow. Hurry that up. I've never heard you use the word cornucopia before, William. Are there any other new words in your vocabulary this week that you're excited about? Just a little spot. Licensed. Whoa. All right. Wait. Didn't even activate the lights. You got sad horns on that one. Sometimes when you're not passionate about it, you get barely a drum, sad horns, and barely any lights. Assessor. You should do polysubstance drug user. Polysubstance drug user. That's what your friend is.

Oh, a polysubstance drug user? Polysubstance drug user? There you go. The words, this is a hard one, Tony. I'm so sorry. I mean, I'm really screwing up on this one. I can't. You can say anything. Honestly, the ones that you don't really know that aren't that exciting are kind of funnier than the crazy ones. A new word this week. from William Montgomery. We're almost there. And here we go.

Could be anything in the world. I gotta tell you, it's impossible. I'm trying to think of one word. I can't think of one word. Wyoming. Words are tough. Yeah, Domino! Wow, look at that! What's the one thing that you're hoping at the end of this intervention tomorrow, what's the one thing that you're hoping that the person... that you're giving the intervention to will not say, I ain't ever gonna stop using drugs!

That's William Montgomery. This has been the hottest episode of Kill Tony in history. We were able to get it down to 79.2 degrees. Guys, the drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in. How loud can you guys get for our guests tonight? Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker, everybody. You did it. Brought to you by ExpressVPN. Tire Season 2, Matt and Shane's Secret Pod on Spotify, everywhere else. Anything else you guys want to plug or anything? Matt?

I'll be in Atlantic City August 16th. Hell yeah. Atlantic City Ocean Casino Resort. Please come. The Kill Tony. Yeah. Thank you, Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis. The band will be at Blue Note in New York City the Monday after Madison Square Garden, 818-818. You got it. This episode brought to you by ExpressVPN. One more time for the best damn band in the land and our guests Shane Gillis and Matt.

McCusker Red Band. Check out The Secret Show every Thursday. Sunset Strip. ATX.com. Love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

All right, let's talk about how Amazon Prime makes everything better. You know the moment you're binge watching different things and you realize that Prime has more to offer than expected. Amazon Prime isn't just fast delivery, though let's be honest.

Whether streaming a stand-up special, building the... perfect playlist for the next show or getting new gear delivered fast prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way so whether comedy drama or just the perfect new Joke book is the vibe. Remember, Prime is there for it. I do it all on Prime. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.com slash Prime to get more out of whatever you're into. Amazon.

dot com slash prime.