#726 - ARI SHAFFIR + MARK NORMAND

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new... episode of Kill Tony.

live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock! Who's ready for the best? Make some noise for Brian Red Band, everybody. And make some noise for the best goddamn band in the land. Oh. Oh my god. Un-be-lievable. Yeah. Ready for the best! We're really doing it, Red Band. Every Monday, we're doing it live. Please say hello to the Taco Bell horn section.

Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo dressed as Stevie Wonder. And on the sticks, Big Mike Gonzalez getting bigger every week. We put a pencil up to his dick and measure how big he's getting every week. Big Mike, cool hat. Big Mike getting bigger. Speedy Gonzalez, we call him, behind his back. And behind me, Matt Muelling on the guitar. Keep it going for Matt Muelling. John Dees right behind me, the great John Dees. And speaking of Dees, keep it going for Dees Madness.

ladies and gentlemen, the one and only, oh my God. We've got an amazing episode planned for you. I can't wait for you to see what we have, but before we do, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors who make it all possible. That's where we talk about Ignito. Incognito and Tecovus. Tecovus. That's a fun word to say. Tecovus. Sounds like something D-Madness got at a rub and tug. We're really doing it, Red Band. Oh. My. God. Ready to start the fucking show?

12 years, I've been booking this show. And when I say tonight might be the best fucking show I've ever seen. What I mean by that is it might be the best fucking show you've ever seen. we've had comedians we've had rock stars we've had actors and every show every show michael gonzalez i say how can we top it and we do we've had every type of person we've had guy girl black Jew, crutches, wheelchair, fat, gay, not gay, people who lost their socks at the hotel, every type of person.

But tonight, I have put together a lineup that would make Bill Cosby wish he wasn't a rapist. Because this panel tonight is two of the greatest... Kill Tony legends in the history of the fucking show. Two legends of stand-up comedy. Two of the best comedians in the fucking world. We're really doing it, Red Band. We're really doing it. We're really doing it, Red Band.

We're really doing it, Red Band. Ladies and gentlemen, for tonight's episode of Kill Tony, Two of the greatest comedians you've ever seen tonight on the panel together next to each other in Austin on the panel together On the panel next to one another ready for comedy on the panel together tonight on the panel together They've been here before, and they're back. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the great and powerful Ari Shaffir and Mark Norman!

Mark, Norman, Ari Shafir. Good to see you guys. Tony, you look more ethnic. What's going on? You look like an Uber driver. These guys have been on the show before. You know how it works. What a crowd tonight. Ari, what a crowd. What a crowd. Every Monday. Tony, you are exuding just a pure heterosexual energy I've never felt from you before. I did six push-ups in the alley. Let's cut to a clip. We don't have it. You guys know how this show works? Over 200 innocent souls.

have written their names down for the opportunity to get plucked out. Unbeknownst to them, they'd come on this stage to do stand-up comedy for 60 seconds of uninterrupted fun. They know their time's up when they hear the sound of a kitten. They know, God fucking damn it, red man. It's okay. Fuck it, we'll do it live.

60 seconds of uninterrupted stand-up comedy. They'll know their time's up when they hear the sound of a kitten. That'll let them know it's time. How many? It might be multiple kittens, depending on what Red Band's doing. They'll know their time's up when they hear the sound of a kitten. If not, they're going to... Jesus, Brian. Angry West Hollywood bear.

That'll let them know their time is definitely up, and then we will conduct an interview. We'll all talk to them, and we'll hear about their lives, what they're up to, what their love life's like, if they have any hobbies, all that stuff, and they'll get feedback from the great Ari Shafir and Mark Norman. One more time for the great Ari Shafir.

You guys want to start the show off? Pick a couple of names for me. Just one. Just one. Don't be greedy. Just one. Don't be like Red Band at the buffet. Just one. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Tonight's show, we are starting with a golden ticket winner, the newest golden ticket winner, someone who's only been on the show once before. This is their second time.

performing on kill tony live at the mothership ladies and gentlemen i present the return of charlie mack Austin, we keeping it weird? Yo, I love it here. Like, Austin has some of the most beautiful dykes I've ever seen. No, dykes don't get enough credit. Sir, would you ever fuck a dyke? No. You don't like generally used coochie? I used to say I never fuck a dyke. Never. Where I'm from, we call them studs. And I looked on Facebook, and it said studs was an acronym. Yes, S-T-U-D-S.

Stanford still titties under that shirt. I said that at my last show, one of them studs got mad. She jumped up, said, it don't stand for that. It's Stanford slinging this unreal dick, sir. And then she got mad and told her little dyke friend he think he funny. Go to the truck and get the strap. So first I was scared she was getting the gun. Then I started praying she was getting the gun.

Because if strap is short for strap on, different conversation. I got scared. Like, excuse me, Mr. Ma'am. Please don't get the big black nine because it might be inches or a millimeter. I don't know. Thank you.

Oh. My. God. Charlie Mac, you've done it again. Wow. Second time on Kill Tony, Charlie. Yeah, yeah. How'd it feel? You're sweatier this time. Charlie, you're sweating like P. Diddy on the stand. It looks a little different. I don't know what it is. Tony got on Netflix. He upgraded. Look at this guy. I feel like it's Teemu. I don't know. Teemu Hinchcliffe. That's funny. You look like a giant UPS package. Thank you. Tell your mom I got a package. Oh. My. God. She's a...

I fucking love it. Charlie, where are you from again? I forget. Where are you from? Chicago. Chicago. And how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Six years, almost. Six years. Can I guess? Southside? No, Westside. Oh. Oh. The other black side. Oh, okay. All right. Is there a super... What's the blackest part of Chicago, Charlie? The city. Whatever part he's in. Right. Okay, okay.

Very good. Charlie, how long you been in Austin, Charlie? I've been here going on five years. And what do you do for fun? Everyone knows here that I write my books, my children books. That's right. What? What? Yes, I write children's books for adults. Yeah, y'all see it? Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Man, fuck them kids. Yes. That's Kevin Spacey's motto. The great Kevin Spacey. Gotta poster him above my bed. Charlie?

What do you love about Austin, Texas? Have you had the food? Just kidding. I know the answer. No, I just said it. It's the dykes. They're beautiful out here. The who? The dykes. The lesbians? Yes, the manly ones. Right, and what makes them so manly, Charlie? Manly means when someone shows like a sign of like a man.

Right, right. But they're lesbians, but you said they're manly. Yes. What do you mean? Because they be in the men's section of the store taking all the big clothes. Right, and that's a problem for you. Yes. Yes, because I try to get my size, but they end up having to get skinny jeans. I don't like that. Those are skinny? They wasn't when I first bought them. Charlie, what was the last time you had a vegetable? I'm actually vegan. No way. Yeah, I've been vegan for a year now.

Wow. I love 260 pounds. 160 pounds. Congratulations. Un-fucking-believable. Down to 840 pounds. No! I'm regular fat. I was. Oh, my God, it's coming fat. Do you have other... How many fat friends do you have, Charlie? Just your sister. That's it. Oh, shit, Tony. Whoa, wow. Okay, got me. Play something fun, Red Band. Perfect. Fuck you.

Charlie, you've done it again. Second time on the show. First time, got a golden ticket. You came out, you did it, you said it all. Anything fun we should know about you before we let you go? Um, from my book sales last time, it, like, it upgraded my life. I went from... Thank you. Thank you. Yes. I went from...

It raised my tax bracket. I went from go Joe to let's make America great again. Un-fucking-believable. My people can help you with that. We'll figure it out. They told me to get an accountant, but I think I'm going to jail. You'll be fine. We'll bring those taxes down to $1 a year. I'm in the club now. Just don't drop the soap in jail because you probably won't be able to stand back up.

Charlie, you did it. You came out. You did it. One more time for the great Charlie Mack, everybody. Golden ticket winner. There he goes. Oh, my God. We're doing it. Are you guys having a good time so far? Is this not the best fucking night of your lives? Our first... That was a lot of sweat. That was a lot of sweat. When's the last time you sweat that much, Ari Shafir? When I visited Auschwitz and they reopened. Perfect. Our first bucket poll of the night.

Goes by one name. I love a good one name. I love a good two name, but I love a good one name He actually works here at the comedy, huh? It's a guy He works here. Well, let him decide. It's 2025, Red Band. He might be a guy tonight and a woman in the morning. Please give it up for Fuzzy, everybody. I believe the best superpower is the ability to freeze time because you're in control. You got to remember, they don't want you to have superpowers. They, the Jews, do not want you to have

But when you freeze time, you're in control. And the perks are motherfucking sweet. Everyone here would do the same thing immediately. We're going to the bank. We'd all do it. Come on. You'd go to the bank. You'd see the teller. You'd wait for her to open up the vault. Freeze time. And then... Holy shit. And then you'd leave the bank. And if you're a girl, you can look through his phone, whatever the fuck you guys want to do. I don't give a fuck. Thank you guys so much. Oh. My. God. Fuzzy.

Great job. Fuzzy, how long have you looked like you go to Sesame Street begging the Muppets for change? All my life. Hey, one time for Tony fucking Hinchcliffe, everybody! Come on! Okay. Fuzzy, you make me look not Jewish. You look like Muzzy. Fuzzy the Muzzy. Hey, are there any Indians in here? They're not allowed in. Good Pakistan for...

Easy. You know it's going great when you scream at the end of your set. Fuzzy, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Five years. Five years. What's your favorite thing about it? Driving Uber? Probably the dick. Probably all the dick I'm getting. You a gay man? Nah. What would be the first thing you'd do if you were gay, Fuzzy, now that we're here? I'd suck your dick and try to become a regular, probably. Get in line.

Fucking unbelievable. Fuzzy, you treating those cancer spots in your forehead at all or just letting it ride? Just let it fucking ride, dude. This shit's almost over anyways. I think it got like two months or something like that. What do you do during the day, Fuzzy, when you're not at the mothership? I like to go for walks. Where do you walk? Around the east side, motherfucking East 5th Street. How big is your vest? Bigger than Tony's.

Nothing, Redman? Perfect. You're a rubber ducky, Fuzzy. That is something Tony would actually probably say. Fuzzy, what's your love life like? It's good. It's chill, bro. Actually, I met a girl. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Chill, bro. He's allowed. He's allowed. Give him a chance. Give him a chance. Yeah, who the fuck is that? The fuck's laughing like he can't get any. You're here with a guy. Oh my god. Got him. You look like you like dick in your mouth. Okay, okay, okay.

Life's good. Love life is good, dude. I've been fucking... I don't know. I got this fucking... I stopped masturbating, so I got chi now. What? Chi? I got chi now. Chi is your semen. Whoa. And it's so... Tony, you know about chi. I love chi. But I also love pad thai. Fuzzy. Fuzzy, I would drop the chia and go with chia pet on that head because that is a level of bald I've never seen before. All right. All right. Love you, buddy. You look like Ari before the camps.

All right, all right. All right, we gotta let this guy get back to his food truck. What are we doing here? Come on. Fuzzy, you did it. Here's a little joke book. See you later. Fuck off. One more time for Fuzzy, everybody. There he goes. Fuzzy, you did it. Fucking worked with me two times. He killed both times he worked with me here. He fucking crushes me.

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Go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80. Everyone here at the mothership is being groomed to... God. Un-fucking-believable. I finally work hard enough and save up enough money to buy my own clone of myself. and then you lock me inside of my own closet and try to host my show? You got it. Who's ready for the best fucking night of that?

Tell you, I heard a little bit of those interviews. They were dragging back there. Could really hear the wheels turning on you. And I didn't realize my clone would sweat more than me. It's not easy, is it, clone? kill Cloney. Tony Hinchcliffe and Tony Hinchcliffe. By the way, Dwight. It really is Pride Month. This is what we call a Mark Norman wet dream. The only thing better than one of me is two of me. And now... Back to the show. All right. Oh, you... I made a couple notes.

Puerto Rico's not going to like this. Oh. Oh. My. God. All right. Back to the bucket. we go. I'm very excited to be here. Just finding out that's not you. I thought the whole time. This is an extra fun episode if you ask me. Who books this shit? Do I look good smoking a cigarette, by the way? I don't say my S's like that, by the way. It's not a cigarette. I don't smoke cigarettes.

Back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for your next comedian doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Francisco Rincon. This guy was like, don't trip. That's fine. I'm gonna fuck your mom later. After I clean her house. I am from Puerto Rico. I'm one of the good ones. Happy Pride Month to this guy, mainly. But, yeah, I don't know. A couple of years ago, I was watching the gay news, CNN.

I don't know if you guys hear, Pope Francis, he said, R.I.P. Pope Francis, a couple years ago, he said, if you're gay, you can get married now, and you will no longer burn in hell. It's a real thing. I don't know if you guys heard about this. But it made me think, it made me wonder what was going to happen to the gay guys that were previously burning in hell. Do they make it fair? Do they make an announcement down there?

Are they like, excuse me, if you're here and you're gay, make yourself to the lobby. We have great news. What do they do?

Francisco Rincon, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back to the show, Francisco. We've seen you multiple times before. One time before, yes. You've only been on the show once? Once, two years ago. Wow. What makes me think you've been on a couple times? You've probably seen me on Rose Bottle. Okay. I saw you on Rose Bottle. I love it. So you're not Puerto Rican. You said you're one of the good ones. What is one of the good ones? Mexican. Okay. Actually, Tony, I am... Oh, go ahead.

Sorry, I am from Venezuela. Oh, wow. Okay. Why boo? Why boo? Why boo? I'm here to tell you guys, despite what you hear in the news, that all Venezuelans are criminals. I'm here to tell you that we are criminals. But I know, I am from Venezuela, but, you know, Venezuelans, we've been getting a bad rep.

So when I moved to Texas about 10 years ago, they would be like, are you from Mexico? And I would be like, no, that's gross. And now they are like, are you from Venezuela? And I'm like, no, I'm from Mexico. But, yeah, all right. Have you always looked like Adam Ray with AIDS? Yeah, you throw a vest on him, we got a third Tony here. Un... Fucking believable. Francisco, what have you been up to since the last time we saw you? Give us something good. What's going on? Oh, man, living life, you know?

Not to brag or anything, but I got... It's funny because last time I did the show, I had just recently gotten fired. And I just got fired again. Wow. Look at you. I know. Look at you. What'd you get fired from? Hey, that's what I was gonna ask. You're a fucking genius. And you're extremely good looking. Thanks, me. Wait, what was that? What was that? I smoke a lot of cigarettes. I don't do that. I don't do that. Do I do that? No, I don't.

Easy, Steve Urkel. Good one, me. Alright, where did you get fired from? I'm not going to say a company name, but I was working as an engineer, remote, sales engineer. It was really... They fired you. Why will you not say the name? Is it because you can't say engineer? In my language, that sounded like the N-word.

Yeah, I don't know if I'm gonna have to look for another job, so I don't want to throw these guys under the bus, you know. Hey, can I just tell you real quick? If you got fired, you are going to have to find another job. That's how it works. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. Yeah, no, well... No doubt about it. Francisco, what's your love life like? You're a good-looking guy. You seem like you should be doing good out there for yourself. Bet you fuck. What did he say? I bet you fuck.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no. I'm doing all right. I'm not... I got lucky a couple weeks ago. I, uh... That's what I like about Austin. Lots of beautiful Mexican girls here in Austin. And yeah, so I went down on this girl from San Antonio. How long did you go down on her for? Give us an exact time frame. Morning, night, lunch. Over under 25 minutes. It was a good time. It was a fun time. It tasted like Takis.

What? Like what? I don't even understand myself, man. I'm sorry. Yeah. I had a dream in English last night. I don't even know what I said. All right, we got to deport you. Yes. Yeah. Yep. I agree. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. We're sending you back to Venezuela. Well, Francisco, what size joke book did you get last time you were on the show? A big one, but it's fine. Well, guess what, buddy? I got news for you. You get a small one this time. Catch.

There you go. Wow. Oh, throws it back into the crowd. That's a thing. It's like when you get a baseball hit to you from the opposing team and the person that catches it throws it back. It throws it back onto the field. You're good. You're real good. All right. All right. Let's keep this thing. Let's do it. Moving along. Oh, that's an unlit cigarette butt, me. I'm out of control tonight.

Make some noise for your next bucket pool, Mike Holloway. I don't... think everyone who has a cat also throws trash on the floor and calls it a toy. But I do think everyone who throws trash on the floor and calls it a toy also has a cat. I don't think everyone who eats blue cheese also has a foot fetish. But I do think everyone with a foot fetters also eats blue cheese. I don't think everyone who drinks lemonade is also a pedophile.

But I do think everyone who's a pedophile also drinks lemonade. I don't think everyone who's the victim of pedophilia is also a Disney adult.

But I, you guys get it. How's it going? All right. That was fun. Wow. Mike Holloway, this is your first time on the show? Yes. Okay. How long you been doing stand-up? Kind of five years, but more like three because of breaks from COVID and being broke. Okay. COVID was over five years ago. Are you still broke? Well, I did...

He's not wrong. I did like one or two mics before COVID. The whole Lincoln years, I had to take off. I'm bad at counting. I'm bad at counting. Sorry. The OJ trial really fucked up my schedule. Okay. Okay. What do you do for work? I'm getting aquarium vibes. Like you work with pets of some kind.

Give me two fun facts about dolphins. Go. Let's go one question at a time here. Dolphins rape a lot. Oh, there you go. That's the one they answered. What do you do for work? I door dash right now. I just moved here two weeks ago. So did you save money from another job? Kind of. What was the other job? Amazon delivery. Amazon. You see? I thought with aquarium. There's fish in an aquarium. There's also fish in the Amazon. I did it again. Genius. All right, all right. Anyway.

So how much money did you save exactly? I love people. People in interviews and podcasts, they never ask questions like this. They never do. I'm obsessed with a question like how much money did you save before finding a job where you moved to? Drum roll? Nope. No drum roll. No drum roll. $500. There's two fucking hosts here. None of them asked for a drum roll. How much did you save? $500. $500?

Holy shit. Holy shit. What are you going to do? Are you in your car right now? Technically, I'm camping at a campsite. I paid for it. Technically, I'm not homeless. Do you have a tent? Yes. So you sleep in a tent? Yes. Where do you shower? At the campsite. Outdoor showers? No, it's indoor. Like a KOA? What's a KOA? The fuck is that, Ari? What's a KOA? Some Jewish shit? What is that? Not all of us.

not all of us take world vacations and camp all the time some of us are trying to change people's lives out here they know about camps especially the showers at those camps some of the showers are decent at those camps it's just the one or two we're like Real bad. So explain to us, explain to the people. People are watching all around the world. You came to Austin, Texas with $500. How do you plan on surviving? What are you eating? Take us through your actual life. I go to H-E-B.

And I get a pack of three steaks for like $8 to $12. Okay. And I get some corn on the cob, fresh corn on the cob for like $0.33 a piece. Where do you shove the corn on the cob? In tinfoil and in the coals. Does the corn... And I got potatoes, too. Does the corn ever get stuck in that massive gap between your... Yes. All the time. Oh, yeah. Look at that old corn catcher you got there. Look at that. Does your mom hate dentists?

How many times do you shower a week? Good question, Tony. Every time I come into the city. Okay. Wow. Okay. Every time I come to comedy. Very interesting answer. So this is your first shower? No. And is it easy to make friends at the campgrounds? What? I hate the questions I'm asking. It really leads to absolutely nowhere. Yes or no questions don't really work on the show. Let me ask you this.

I think you're cool. You got an outsider vibe. You got a real fucking manifesto. You're like a manifesto guy. I appreciate that. What is the craziest thing that you've ever almost done? You seem like you've had some thoughts cooking. You've read how to make a bomb book or something before. Oh, yeah. Okay, so now it's your turn to answer the actual question. Back in high school, yeah. You did what?

I read the anarchist. Okay. Other than the thing that I fucking said that you did, you get to use your entire life right now as a reference point. What's the weirdest or most criminal thing you've ever almost done? Not the one that I fucking guessed. that you're like yeah i did do that i'm asking your whole life did you ever think uh several times i almost drove the amazon truck off a bridge okay okay now take us through this exactly first of all

Were there a lot of packages in the Amazon truck? That's why I didn't get my vest. So good. Okay. So, did you really think about it? You thought about driving the Amazon truck off a bridge? Oh, yeah. I thought about it. Yeah. Okay. and how were you going to do were you going to kind of like go to the bridge and then hard right turn off of the ledge or were you going to kind of like take it at an angle what was your plan no i was gonna it was an ev so it's really got some acceleration

So, yeah, I was going to get it going and then just crank the wheel and jump out the window, jump out the door. Oh, you weren't going to kill yourself. You weren't going to like... Oh, wait a second.

This is treason. I did for a second, but then I was like, I can jump out. Yeah, I like it. You're just fucking Bezos over. Not yourself. Yeah. I'm all right with that. Fuck Bezos. So you were just going to selfishly drop a bunch of people's packages and... the water unbelievable unbelievable sorry what's the other craziest thing about your life

Mike, give us something good here. Other than almost driving an Amazon thing, what's a fun fact about your life? Did you have a weird childhood? Were you molested? A lot of pedophile jokes. No, I wasn't molested. I did have a weird childhood, though. I moved around a lot. I was a fat kid and a nerdy kid and the new kid all the time, so I got picked on a lot.

What was the meanest thing somebody would... I'm fucking talking. What was the meanest thing somebody ever said to you at school? I don't remember. I said a lot of mean shit, too, because I would basically... To deal with bullies, I would basically roast them. I didn't know the term back then, but I would roast them, and then if they put hands on me, then I would just go full out right away.

So you killed a kid? No. Oh. Beats crap out of a couple of guys. You look like the bad kid in Toy Story. Yeah. Oh, my God, you do. Oh, my God. The neighbor? Yeah, Sid. Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! I do like firecrackers. Where are you hiding Andy's slinky? Here's a big joke, but congratulations. Congratulations. There you go. On to the next one. I like that guy. There he goes. Something about him. For real. He seems cool. Grew up on a firework stand.

You know what that means. The lovely Heidi is here, everybody. Wow.

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Someone's rooting for Ari from the audience. Let's go, Ari. A guy wants you to be funny right now. Farts. All right. All right. This looks like a new name. I'm excited about it. I love new names. You love new names. It's my favorite thing other than my condo. Oh, un-fucking. We're doing it, Red Band. We're really doing it. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Candice August, everybody. Candice August.

My husband's Muslim, and when we got married, we had to do the Islamic wedding ritual. For those of you who do not know, the Islamic wedding ritual is called the nikah. I will spell it for you. It is N as in Nancy, I, K as in kangaroo, A, H as in Harold, the Nicka. Problem is, I had not seen that word written down before I heard that shit out loud. Picture it.

On my wedding day, I'm standing there in my dress. I'm looking at my husband, so in love. The guy walks in. He's like, we are gathered here today to celebrate this blessed nigga. He kept going, in the eyes of Allah, all knickers are beautiful and wonderful. This knicker today is special. I was just like, what the fuck did this knicker do?

Thanks for the compliments, dude, but you can call me Candace. Fantastic set. Wow. By Candace. August. Welcome to the show, Candace. Thank you. Is this your first time? It is not. You've been on before. You were great. I remember you. Thank you. I was on in January. Yeah. Welcome back. Thank you. I figure I have to keep signing up. It's the only way black women are ever going to get on this show. Well, it's also the only way anyone gets on this show. I love that you have to...

be a victim of race issues. Would never expect anybody like you to do that. You people never do that. For this is the fairest, most diverse show in all of show business. Incorrect. How dare you. Oh shit, two Tonys. Oh, my. I'm getting roasted by the bouncer at Fraggle Rock. Oh, my God. It's Mam Patterson.

It's pretty fucking good. Hello, Ari. How are you? What's up? How you doing? Pretty good. How do you two know each other? No, I just was... I already dabbed him up and I... Jews love fucking black hookers, Tony. I wanted to... That's not even funny, but I just wanted to... i just wanted to acknowledge everyone on the panel hello red band i love it i love it so candace remind us what do you do for a living what's going on uh

I'm Ari's call girl, didn't you hear? No. No. We talked about this before. I work at a debt consolidation company. Okay, a debt consolidation company. I don't understand what that is. Doesn't translate. Amazing. And what do you do for fun? I like to travel a lot. Comedy is fun. Where do you travel to? What are some of your favorite places that you've been? My favorite place is Cuba. That's the favorite place I've been. What do you love about Cuba? I'm from New Orleans.

Yeah, I know. You went to Brother Martin. I know. I went to Ursuline. Wow. Look at the connection down there. I've performed with him several times. He never remembers me. But it's fun. It's fun. It's okay. It's okay. I opened for him at Mgooby's and a bunch of other places. Oh, yeah! Sorry. Are you from Maryland?

No, but I lived in the DMV at the time when I worked with him. You lived in the DMV? Yeah. Wow. Okay, it's D.C., Maryland, Virginia. Wow. And they call it the DMV. Wow, you look like you'd work at the DMV. Oh, my God. We're really doing it, Red Band. We're really doing it. I was answering you about Havana. So I'm from New Orleans and Havana has a very like New Orleans type of feel. It has a lot of soul and it's a very small place. A lot of live music playing all the time. It just...

It just... The sweet sirens. It just reminded me of home. That's why I like it. Absolutely. It's amazing. What do you love about Austin, Texas? It also... So 6th Street specifically also reminds me of bourbon. Yeah, it reminds me. It's a very bourbon-esque feel. All the live music and then there's this concentrated like four block radius where everything's happening. It's just like bourbon.

Yeah, except cleaner marginally. Yeah. You got a man? Are you married? Is that what that ring is? Yes. You talked at long length about it last time. My husband's Indian. Oh, that's right. The rare mix of an Indian man and a powerful black woman. Yeah, you were very interested in that subject the last time. Well, it's a very rare combination. I study these things. I'm a people person.

How does this family go for a, you know? So, I mean, they weren't very happy at first, but not really because I'm black, just mostly because I'm not Muslim. Why would you do this to the family? Why do you bring home a demon woman? This dude. I do voices, too. Man. I heard. You did quite a few the last time I was here, yeah. Okay. You and the Indian husband, Nikka Masala.

That is... Too close? A good one. A good one. Right on the borderline, Mark. Right on the borderline. Sorry. And what does your husband do for work? He also works at a... That consolidation company. A different one from me, though. Wow. Till debt do you part. Absolutely. Oh, you like that one? That one was good. That one was good. You don't like working at the DMV. That one was, no. Dead consolidation humor, really. Go take that around the office.

All right. Did he get to watch your appearance when you were on the show last time? You showed it to him, right? Yeah, yeah, he watched it from home. Like, he wasn't here live, but we watched it. And how much did he beat you for it? He did. You fucking bitch, you bring up my personal life! Oh, my God. He got a kick out of it because you spent a lot of time talking about it. So I had said that. You got a kick out of it. I said my... A kick and two punches. All right.

So I said my husband wasn't black, and you spent a lot of time trying to guess what race he was. And you never guessed Indian. I had to tell you. So that's what happened last time. So a lot of the interview was about him. So he actually really enjoyed it when we watched it. I love it. Yeah. And where do you get earrings like that?

Those are great earrings. I'm so glad you noticed them. So the last time I was on, I had knives, right? So it's like the Kill Tony vibe and no one ever noticed them. So thank you, Tony, too, for noticing them. Yes. Did you buy them at the Target that you got fired at? I did. Okay. No, they're custom. I ordered them online. What were you gonna say there, Mark? Nothing. Oh.

You got a big joke book last time? I did. But let me tell you this. When I got it, you had like some that were left over from the H-E-B center and I never got one from the show that I was on. So if you can spare another one, I would like it. You know what? Here's an official one. It's your lucky day. It's like Angel Reese. Thank you. Thank you, Tony.

Good bucket pulls. You guys have a good night. Thank you so much one more time for Candace August. Candace August. Wow. And the show goes on. It has to. We keep it moving. Let's do it. We gotta do it. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Karen Jones.

I got it. Some of you may remember me. I was falsely accused of storming the Capitol. I've been pardoned by President Trump. Unfortunately, I had already been incarcerated for 90 days before I got the pardon. Still grateful, but while I was in prison, I was raped. Okay, date raped. Okay, it was consensual. That's still very unpleasant. And yeah, okay, I was on house arrest.

But it's terrible to be on house arrest because you can't leave. But I found out that you could leave for medical procedures. So I scheduled a mammogram. a pap smear and a colonoscopy. And I'm telling you, it was as horrible as any other time I've been raped, date raped, had sex and regretted it, whatever you want to call it. Thank you.

Karen Jones, one of the most famous characters in the show's history. A wild, some people would call her a batty woman. Tony, I know you said not to ask questions, but I got a question for you. What the fuck? What the fuck? If you're here, who's going to take down the Tiger King? Mark Norman is on fire. On fucking fire. You look like the woman who fired Angel from the Target. Or Candace. Who was the last person?

That's right, it was Candace. So, Karen Jones, give us an update. What's been going on in life? I sometimes, you know, hear about you. You come up a lot. I get reports. Karen Jones is fucking doing this and that. You're around. Well, I always try and be in the most interesting places I can be.

Flower shops, plant stores, carburetums. Well, probably one of the biggest changes is I was in a little granny flat out in Dripping Springs on my son's property. He was going through a divorce. You remember my son? The real Alex Jones. Keep going, Karen. Keep going. I think you had a stroke there for a second. No, but it could happen. You're walking a blind guy with this story right now.

So pick up the pace, Karen Jones. I haven't known to clear the room, okay? But my son remarried, and he remarried a very beautiful woman, and it turns out that five acres is not enough room for two women. so i've had to move and i'm living out in canyon lake now and uh so let's really break it down yeah it's your son's property am i correct yes he bought it Yes. And somehow you made yourself so known, so present that they made you move somewhere else.

Explain to us what a daily routine on a five-acre ranch with Karen Jones is like. Well, when you're on house arrest, it's very limited. But normally... But you have the whole five acres. The whole five acres. I also had three kids I was taking care of and the main house. So I became the... Taking care of your son? No, his children. Wait, were you really under house arrest?

Ari, everybody's with it except for you right now. You're the only person confused at all. The crowd is now wondering why you're confused. What's your house arrest for? Storming the Capitol. I thought that was a joke. No. Real fucking story. I know. This is Kill Tony. It's the only place you can meet real people that have stormed the Capitol other than Fox News. I did not!

And if you recall, I've said all along, I was invited in. I was. I was invited in. The Capitol has the vampire rules. The Capitol is. It's normally open. The door was open. We asked permission to go in, and my husband had never been inside the rotunda. No better time than January 6th. Yep, 2021. Right on cue. What happened is they invited us in.

And I took a plea deal, so I couldn't speak as freely on your show. But that's why I got the 90 days. My lawyer was shocked I didn't just get probation. But I told too much. Like, I told that no police had died, only J6ers. And so I got an extra trouble. Cool nickname, by the way. Well, we went to Memorial Day to a J6 reunion. J6 reunion. Oh. My. God. Holy shit. This bitch knows how to party. Yes, she does.

The crowd goes wild, wild. Well, because they believe me that we were invited in and we were trapped. Maybe not all of them, but enough people know now. But I can say this without being arrested for perjuring myself on my statement of facts and deal I signed. But they invited us in, and then they trapped us, and they hit me really hard with the billy club in the stomach, and then they spread gas on me. If they wanted you to get out of there, they should have just invited your son.

Mom, there's just not enough room here at the Capitol for you. We gotta move you to a completely different ranch. Tens and tens of miles away. So do you still make it back to, have you been to the Capitol since? No, just to Texas Capitol. And they're very not. Even when I was on free trial, they let me in. They're open on Sunday. Texas had such a nice capital, and Washington, D.C. used to be nicer, but it's really went to hell. Yep, yep. It sure has. It sure has. Just with the Congress.

like the Congress inside of it, if you ask me. What did you do after Dennis the Menace stole your cookies? Good question. Thanks, me. I can't believe Willie Nelson transitioned. We're really doing it, Red Band. So, Karen, anything else crazy going on in your life that we should know about? Well, you know...

I was trying to decide whether or not I should go with the J6 stuff because I have been going to open mics regularly and I've been working on my gay material. Why don't we hear one of your gay jokes? I want to hear one of your gay jokes. Do we want to hear one of her gay jokes? Come on. I think we do. I'll give you a bit of my gay minute. OK. It's that I told all my kids growing up I didn't want them to be damaged. So I always told them that.

If I find out you're gay, I just won't be able to love you as much. It's nothing personal, but we all know that homosexuality is caused by overbearing, castrating, ball-busting bitch moms. And I'm not going to let one of you make me look like a bad mom. Wow Wow, I like her This might be my favorite bucket poll of all time. I know. She is a legend. She is a legend in Kiltony folklore. Well, you probably missed me talking about your ball sack on Joke World, but you're... What? What the fuck?

Last time I was in here, I saw his balls. Well, it wasn't in here, it was in LA, actually. And I was doing interviews for Joke World. I've actually seen them a few times now. And I said, I would keep them in my pants because my husband is 73 years old and he has better-looking balls at the whole deal my husband looks better There they are, oh Jesus.

Cancel my Postmates order. No, the bad thing is, is after my husband sees this episode, he'll be like walking around with his dick swinging. It's funny when you get old. or your dick gets bigger because of gravity. Yeah. Except Ferraris, obviously. Oh, can you imagine what they're going to look like at 73? That's scary. Well, he's already 72, so...

Actually got a point it is covered in weird balloon not hemorrhoids it is normal hemorrhoids very disgusting uh well your penis the balls ratio always shocks me it is absolutely never understand it it is wild it's like type of animal. Some type of weird creature you shoved into that zipper pocket. Yeah. Very bizarre. Gold.

It is one of the weirdest ball sacks. It appears as though it looks cancerous, by the way. Yes. You ever get it checked out? I'll get it checked. I have not. I have not. Have you had a prostate exam? Yeah. Well, it was a hooker. Karen Jones, you are always such an unbelievably entertaining interview. Thank you again. Here's a big one for you. Fuck yeah.

other chicks. Karen Jones, ladies and gentlemen. There she goes. Karen Jones, everyone. Goodbye, Karen. Great to see you. We love you, Karen. Get the fuck out of here, Karen. Jesus fucking Christ. Tell another 45-minute story. Wow. Wow. Oh, my God. I'd let her storm my capital.

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Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Aldo Caldo. All right, one more time for Aldo. I guess there's no fucking music here tonight. All right.

I love my women how I love my coffee. Sliding off the roof of my car. Many moons ago, I used to be the bass player for the Latin boy group band called Menudo. Yeah. Men. Nude. Oh. We used to hop the borders all around Latin America playing these sold-out shows. And I used to think to myself, wow, I made it. I really made it.

I remember I came home with my first million in pesos. It was like the best hundred bucks I ever made. People would always ask me, hey, Aldo, how did you know who was going to be the next menudo? Because they would get molested and then... Get kicked out or hit puberty. Was it always the cute one that would say, subiete a mi moto, vamos a mamar entre los dos. No. It was always the Menudos that set their microphones up like this. He was the next Ricky Martin. Gracias.

Okay. De nada. Aldo Caldo. That must crush it. Taco stands all across the country. Very Latino material. You don't got to represent. Okay. All right, there's a couple of people. Hey, hey. That's good. All right. Aldo, what do you do for work? I tour. I'm a musician. I'm a musical comedian. How long have you been doing stand-up?

About eight years, off and on. And you've been playing music your whole life? Yes. You started with an accordion, like a typical Mexican? No, I actually started on piano and guitar. What do you specialize in now? Right now, guitar and bass. Okay. Acoustic or electric? Whatever the gig calls for. Let's get this guitar out here. Let's see what happens. I'm dying for playing this guitar. Let's get him a guitar. The beautiful Heidi with a guitar ready to go.

No covers, Aldo. It's got to be an original song. You got to make it sound good. None of that Gypsy King shit. Yeah. We don't want to have to give our money to YouTube. Oh, shit. They're fucking... They're communicating back here. They're calling out the play. yeah yeah yeah let's do this we on kill tony funny bad bitches only we on kill tony rolling out of texas on a golden pony we on kill tony

Rolling out of Texas on us, Golden Pony. We on Kill Tony. Guitar went out. Yeah, una cumbia para todos los que están buscando la música. Let me see you put your hands together. Say Kill Tony. That's just my band doing really good stuff. That was God taking control of that moment. Is there a switch or something on that? Matt Muelling, what would you do to get that guitar to work? Wait.

You didn't really play that, though. Yeah. Well, not really. Not really. It was more lyrical. Let's talk to Gibson to get one that works. All right. I'm going to get ice on the phone. ICE is on the phone. They're waiting for me outside right now. Wow. I shouldn't even be here right now. You know, I'm just proud to be allowed. Where should you be? Where else would you rather be? Well, I come from a law enforcement family. They're all CIA. You should be on a deportation center in Venezuela. Wow.

Okay, Ari, just one in the middle of an answer with two other people talking. Let's go, Ari! Every time he pulls out that giant, tiny cock of his, he gets real excited afterwards. By all means. Aldo Caldo, I got to get something juicy out of this interview, man. Give us a real interesting fun fact about your life. Something fun. I recently almost had a felony charge for having weed down in the South Valley. Well, I mean, we've all been there. How about something else? What else?

Anybody who's had any weed in South Texas has almost been up. Something else. I have a day named after me, like Deep Madness. Okay. For doing music here out of Texas, representing the Latino music. association here in austin texas you have a day what day is it november 15th i also turned it into a festival called the caldo festival helped feed 3 000 families wow with caldo you know soup

Okay. So, yeah. So, you know, trying to get back to the people that gave to me. So, representing. Wow. Amazing. Nice of you to give the soup out instead of eating it yourself. Hey, well, I ate a lot of it. I got to test it all, man. What's your favorite soup? All of them. Caldo de cariño. Caldo de res. All right, Aldo. We're going to get you out of here. Here's a medium-sized joke book. There goes Aldo. Thank you so much, Aldo. Everybody, wow. And now it's time for one of our regulars.

Ladies and gentlemen, this man has been an absolute juggernaut since his arrival here in the Kill Tony world. He is, without a doubt, one of the most legendary regulars of all time. And soon to be, without a doubt, a citizen of the United States of America. But for now, he remains... The Estonian Assassin. This is Ari Maddy.

What's up? So, speaking of small dicks, when are we getting big dicks, huh? Isn't it crazy? There's no developments at all. Yo, Elon Musk, fuck you. I don't give a fuck about Mars. Where's my big black cock? Isn't it crazy Katy Perry's in orbit before I have a big hog? And I've looked into it. No progress. The only thing you can get is you go to Mexico. And they don't make you a big dick. You pay 60 grand and what they do.

They remove your lower abdominal muscles to like excavate more dick out of you. $60,000 for an extra two inches. Hey, I don't need two inches. Great, now we're at four.

Thank you so much. Wow. Ari Matty has done it again. Everybody. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. What's up, Tony? What's up, Tony? What's up, Ari? We are big Ari Matty fans over here. Huge, huge. Ari Matty fans. Oh, my God. Ari, how's it been going? What have you been up to? I went to New Orleans yesterday. You're from there, right? Wow, wow. Great Mark Norman is from there. Dude, New Orleans. If only the French would see what you guys did to that city.

Dude, I went on Bourbon Street. The smells? Oh, my God. Dude, I literally saw an Indian guy hold his nose. Do you know how bad a place has to be? For an Indian man. Candace August showing her husband around her old hometown. Yep. Taking him back to see the sights. So Ari, how's life? What else is going on? Anything crazy? I don't know. Yeah, we went to Mobile, Alabama, and then New Orleans. The power went out during the show four times in Mobile, Alabama. Oh, wow. And they just go, huh, Mobile?

Alabama rolls like that. Alabama. Not known for its electricity. Ari, what's your love life like? Two Tonys, two Aurys. Oh, yeah. Oh, two Tonys, two Aurys, one mark. There's got to be another autistic out there, huh? You know, Ari, I also have huge balls. It's crazy. What's what? Prove it. No, I'm scared. I'm scared. No, no, no, no. Listen. Are you like Gari? Are you mostly balls? It's 95% balls. Wow. Wow. Literally, my dick looks like it's chilling on a beanbag, dude. It's fucking...

My whole... My God. Your dick looks like it's coming out of a Jew tunnel. My dick looks like it owes my balls money. And now they're all at the ATM. What does an Estonian dick smell like? It's clean and white. Sorry, weird question. Tony? That is a very weird question. What does... What does an Estonian dick smell like? No, I'm kidding. Good question, me. Yeah. No, we've been having a lot of fun. We've been drinking, having a blast around the city. Yeah, I have a problem, man. What?

I have a problem. Yep, yep, yep. Drink every day, baby. We've been having a lot of fun. Yeah, it's so much fun. Working hard and playing hard. You can do both. We can do both. What else is going... Ah, fuck. All right, that's my... I'm getting... Cigarettes are tough. You guys look like Siegfried and Roy. This place is absolutely wild. Ari, you did it again. You did it again. You are the man. Thank you. Unbelievable. You'll get your citizenship soon. Great to see you, Ari. There he goes.

And it goes on and on. Back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Benjamin Grella. Benjamin Grella.

Ladies, are you sick of your man's wrinkled old fucking ballsack? That hairy old dusty nutsack? Well, I got something for you. It's called scrotox. It's Botox for your testicles. I don't care if you like the Red Sox, the White Sox. I don't even wear fucking socks. For a smooth nutsack tomorrow, use scrotox today. It also removes hair. for the ultimate teabagging experience. Your lady will be looking forward to that. My cousin recently married a Chinese girl At the wedding

wedding reception. They had this fucking beautiful lasso- Let him go, let him go, let him go. You can finish, Benjamin. You got to keep it going. Keep going. They had this beautiful lasso-absinue souffle that was out of this world. They had poodle kebabs on a brioche bun, beagle burgers, and leg of lamb with a nice mint sauce. I never believed that shit.

But I do now. That's it. Okay. Okay. Good thing you made it finish. Wow. Benjamin is a legend, believe it or not. Much like Karen Jones in this show's history. And for the same reason as Karen Jones. He is not necessarily known for his stand-up during the minute-long sets, but my God, if this isn't one of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show. famous for being able to somehow tap into a story that is a thousand times funnier than anything he says during the stand-up part

It's happened before. The legendary story of him stealing a man's television while he made himself a sandwich was told on the show. We've heard of him having many hangs with the Night Stalker. Yes, actually. Some other highlights as well. Well, he has a son. Okay. Okay. They call him Little Richard. Good golly, Miss Molly. All right.

Like I said, his jokes aren't really that good. But if we can guide him into accidentally telling a story that he never thought that he would say. You have anything else up your sleeve, Benjamin? You've had so many highlights. moments. On the interview part, I mean, we're really pushing it here. This is like staying in Vegas when you're already winning. You signed up again. You're famous for tapping into unbelievable stories. Is there anything that we should know that you haven't told us before?

You must have been kicking something around in your head. Something fun? Yeah, I got another story. What? I have another story. Okay. What's this story about? It's about a... When I was a drug dealer, I owe these Italian guys in New York $80,000. Oh, great. Let's fucking go. Let's fucking go. And I didn't have any money. Give us the right lighting here, Kino. Benjamin owes Italians in New York $80,000. He didn't have enough money. And here he goes. This is Benjamin Graham.

Yeah, this was at the height of my heroin addiction. That's why I spent their $80,000. Well, actually, it had nothing to do with heroin. It was my Coke dealer. I actually owed him $80,000. And he owed the Italians $80,000. And there were four other guys that owed him $80,000. About $100,000. So I owed him the least. And their theory was if they killed me, to set an example, the other people would pay up. Actually, I only owe them $60,000.

My girlfriend owed him $20,000. And she was a UCSB student, and she used to sell weed for me. And they wanted to put her in a cat house up in Reno. to work off her 20 grand and she uh she's like i'm a vegan what are you talking about i'm gonna graduate this year and uh so i absorb her 20 grand which brought mine up to 80. And my friend, whose name is, we'll call him, we'll call him Jason, because that was his name. Here we go.

Perfect. This is what I'm talking about. We're doing it, Red Band. Red Band? We're doing it. Keep going, Benjamin. Go ahead. Yeah. He was a rich kid from Santa Barbara. His dad was like the president of the Santa Barbara Stock Exchange or something. But he wasn't a good drug dealer. And from hanging around with me, he got strung out on heroin. And he didn't get along too good with the Mexicans in the neighborhood. And I got along great with him. Until I accidentally burnt one of the houses down.

I just meant to blow up the car. But I used too much gasoline. And the driveway had a little incline to it. And the gasoline went around the house. And you know, shit happens. I didn't expect the house to catch fire. I'm going off track. This has nothing to do with the Italians. Yeah, well, these are, we'll call these guys the Rodriguez brothers. Because that was their name.

And they were cool guys. They were honest, honest drug dealers. You give them money, they brought the drugs back. And none of them were home this particular day, except their one brother, Jesse. And he had just got out of jail like two days before that. And I figured he was cool like the rest of the brothers. So I gave him a six grand for an ounce of heroin.

And while we were talking about the heroin, he showed me this vintage car that he was working on. And he was really proud of this car. So anyway, I gave him the money, and after an hour, he didn't come back. He left me in his little shack behind his parents' house. I'm waiting for him. After two hours, he didn't come back. Then I finally realized this motherfucker ripped me off.

And it was Jason's money, my friend Jason, the coke dealer. So I had to go back and tell him, I lost the money, I fucking got ripped off. And he's like, holy shit, the Italians are coming. We have to get all this money together. So he said, what are you going to do? I said, I don't know, but it's fucked up. He said, I'm going to go blow his car up. Went to the gas station, got a gallon of gas. You know, I used to blow cars up a lot when I was a teenager. You know, for the older guys.

They didn't want to make payments anymore, so they would, you know, give me 50 bucks and the keys to their car. And they'd say, you know, drive it around for a week, have fun, and then burn it. So I did. First time I did it, I didn't realize I was supposed to leave a trail. And I poured gas all over the place. They said, put it in the engine compartment, the trunk, the interior, and then throw a match at it. But they didn't tell me to make a trail.

So I was standing like six inches away from the fucking car. And I'm like, you know, all my hair burns. My fucking eyebrows, my eyelashes, my hair. I go back to the donut shop. Oh, yeah. And they said, wait, wait, hold on one second. Where's this donut shop come from? No, donut shop. Okay. Okay, go ahead. Go ahead. I went back to the donut shop. My big book is filled, too, by the way. Okay, just keep going. We'll talk about that later.

It's almost tomorrow. So, and they said, make sure you bring the keys back. If you don't bring the keys back, the insurance company will, they won't, they won't collect. And I forgot the keys in the ignition. So as soon as I go back to the donut shop, they say, you got the keys? And I went, oh, shit. i forgot the keys and they're like what the happened to your hair that's all right i got burnt you know so the next day we went to look at the car where they towed it

And everything was melted. The dashboard, the steering wheel, the keys were like puddled on there. There's nothing there. Anyways, that's a different story about Jesse's... I shouldn't have used their real name because they might still be around, these guys. They're going to be pissed off when they see this. Because the very next day after the house caught fire...

I went right back, knocked on the door. I'm like, what the fuck? Your brother ripped me off last night. What happened to your house? And some fucking asshole blew it up. My brother's been ripping everybody off, you know, and people are pissed off. Anyway, so that was that. So back to the Italians. Yes, here we go. So Jason's in.

Hey, you guys got to pay up. The Italians are coming. He was saying this for like six fucking months. And he was a wimp. You know, he'd go to score heroin. He called me one day crying from downtown. He said, the fucking Mexicans took my BMW. What the hell? told you not to go down there without me he goes down there with his you know tennis shirt and his sweater tied around his neck you know how if I can keep going keep going back to the Italians back to the Italians so anyway

He said, the Italians are coming, the Italians are coming. And we're like, yeah, yeah, fuck you, Jason. So finally, at my house one day, my girlfriend was sitting there about 6 o'clock at night, and there's a knock on the door. I opened the door, and there's this little guy who looked like Joe Pesci with an afro. And he goes, hey, I'm Frank, and this is my friend, you know, Bubba, this big muscle guy. He said, we're here to discuss your bill with Jason.

I'm going, oh, fuck. The Italians, they're here. The Italians have finally arrived, for those of you that have completely fallen asleep six minutes ago. Yeah. The Italians, they have arrived. I got distracted. The Italians are here, and they're saying, come on, we're going to take you out for dinner. We want to talk about how you're going to pay us back. And I'm like, you know, I'm really not hungry.

I just ate, and my girlfriend's going like, don't go, you'll never come back. She's the one that owed him 20 grand. So anyway, I did. We went with the Italians, and they said, you know, we're talking about how I'm going to pay them back. I said, look, I don't even fucking deal drugs anymore. I'm just a fucking strung out junkie. And, you know, one day at a time, keep coming back. And, uh, so, uh, finally... I'll pay you 80 grand to finish this story. Hey, all right!

And I'll double that money if you tell me where Gabby Petito is. So anyway, I talked them into letting me, my girlfriend got a job in San Francisco at Chevron, and I told them, look, I got a job at this restaurant in San Francisco, you guys let me leave town, and I'll send you guys like two grand a month, you know? I didn't have a job in San Francisco, I lied. So anyway, they said, okay, you go to San Francisco and you...

You send us that money. If you don't send us that money, we're going to come up there and if I can use you, set an example for the other guys so they'll pay up. And I'm saying, well, yeah, if you kill me, you won't get the money. They said, yeah, but it'll, you know, give them the impetus to pay.

The rest of the money, and they owe a lot more than you do. It was like a half a million altogether. Okay. So anyway, I'm in San Francisco. Two, three months go by. I didn't send anything. I didn't talk to them or anything. And one day I'm in bed. And I hear, I'm dreaming of a fire crackling. You know, firewood and crackling fire. Like 6 a.m. in the morning. My girlfriend was visiting her parents in Santa Barbara, so I was alone.

And it wasn't a fireplace. You're dreaming, and then? And then, I thought it was a fireplace, but what it was in reality was my door to the apartment being cracked open. The wood actually cracked right down the middle. And I see these big guys go walking by my door, big guns, T-shirts, jeans, tennis shoes. Fucking...

And then one, two, three, and the fourth one, the fourth one looks in the bedroom and he's going, ah, shit, he's in here. Next thing I know, I sit up like that, there's three fucking guys. On my bed come on. This is kill Tony not Rogan So then what happened, Ben? The Italians are finally here, fucking 20 minutes into the story. Yeah. Would you pour them into your freedom? One of them straddled me, and the other two are standing on my hands.

Later on, they told me they thought I was reaching for a gun. That's why they did that. And the one in the middle put the fucking gun in my mouth, chipped my tooth, pulled the hammer back, and I'm going, okay, this is it. I'm going to fucking be dead. Then a guy comes in the doorway in a three-piece suit with a tie, pulls out a fucking badge. He goes, Ben Grelly? I said, yeah. He goes, DEA, you're under arrest. So it wasn't the Italians.

You got busted for being a heroin dealer and addict. Jason got busted in Santa Barbara. And he had my name and address in his book, my telephone number. And the other four guys, all their names and addresses. And he was always telling us, use code, don't use my name, blah, blah, blah, all this shit. And he didn't do it all his own direction. Ben, is there like something big coming? Is that it?

No, that's not it. That's it? No, there's more. Okay, well, let's get to that stuff real quick. Anyway, yeah, well, they picked me up out of bed. I had my fucking boxes on, which happened to have marijuana leaves emblazoned all over them. And they had me there. kitchen and they were looking for coke because they said you owe them 80 grand.

And I'm like, no, no, I owe him $80. You guys are fucked up. You didn't do your homework. It's $80, not 80 grand. He paid for my Frank Zappa ticket. I just fucking made up this ticket. We did go to see Frank Zappa. Anyway, so the Santa Barbara cops flew up from Santa Barbara in the DEA. Ben, you might have to finish it next time. It's a little too long. Okay, long story short. I didn't talk. I didn't I didn't talk and the Italians actually

The head Italian called me up. He said, you're the only one that didn't fucking write on us. Everybody else talked. He had the fucking transcripts. And I said, well, what about the 80 grand? He said, forget about the 80 grand. We had a good day yesterday. And that was it. Wow. Alright, here's a big joke book, Ben. Thank you so much. Congratulations. Benjamin Grell. Wow. Alright.

Like a piece of ginger in between bites of sushi, the lovely Heidi cleanses our palate from the unbelievable dreadful story of Benjamin. It was gripping and nothing at the same time. He's really good at it, but that one didn't really have the twists and turns it normally does. No, that was like the Irishman. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket we go. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Luke Lawrence, everybody. Luke Lawrence, everybody. Here he goes.

I know I'm not a confident guy, and I know I'm not a hot guy, but I know I'm just hot enough that prostitutes are relieved when they walk to my apartment. Like, I know I'm not, like, a hard day's work. You know what I mean? But I'm going to give her a run for her money, for sure.

For sure. I got a crazy little message from my ex-girlfriend, my friend's ex-girlfriend a little while ago. She texted me, she's like, hey, Tyler just died. And I'm like, holy fuck. And she's like, yeah, he just told me he loved me. And his picture, my best friend. Having a heart attack and just throwing his phone immediately because she couldn't find it right after he died. And all I'm thinking is just like, he wants people to love him right after he dies. Nope.

Things aren't always the best they can be. Sometimes you get fucking cheated on. And you know, your friends try to support you sometimes when you get cheated on. My best friend's literally just like, yo, man, she's for the streets. She's not. She's native. She's for the land.

That's it. Holy fuck. That was terrible. Jesus Christ. Wow. You nailed it there at the end. You are correct. That was terrible. Wow. All you had to do was get one laugh. Dude, I know. All you had to do was anything. That's hilarious. Okay, so Luke Lawrence, how long have you been doing stand-up? Oh, too long for that.

Okay. I only do once a week, though, because I live in Newfoundland. Oh, wow. Yeah, so I own the only comedy club in Newfoundland, and it only hosts comedy one night a week. Okay. That's going to close after this. Yeah. Oh, dude. They tried to cancel my show. They tried to cancel my comedy club like two weeks ago. It was crazy. For what? We hosted the Danger Cats.

What's that? It's a comedy troupe in Canada. Oh, it's the number one comedy group in Canada, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to know about this. The Danger Cuts. Exactly. Is it? It's a Canadian... Canadian comedy troupe. They're coming down here in a few weeks. But yeah, shit got fucking... Apparently they're tied to neo-Nazis or some shit. I don't fucking know. It was... Yeah, right? Right?

And then the woke people were all flipping out and saying that I was affiliated with it. I was like, Jesus Christ. Right. Yeah. Okay. You dress like you coach a Nazi basketball league. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why Newfoundland?

that's where i was born and okay and then i moved i moved i moved to toronto i lived in toronto for a while and then the pandemic happened and then like everybody in toronto cared about the pandemic and i went back to newfoundland because it's like i was one of the last people to see the submersible Leave. What do you mean by that? I have a boat, and I was like hanging out on the boat, and I seen the submersible go away. They can get the Titan submersible.

ah yeah gotcha yeah gotcha uh what do you do for work uh i own a comedy club no no no no no one believes you how do you make money i own i Fucking, I just, I have a couple businesses. What are the other businesses? The other business is a production company. And I'm also a screenwriter. How much money have you made screenwriting?

Too much to talk about on the show, I guess. Really? Yeah. Have you written anything that we've seen? I got a movie called Party Pirate that's on Amazon Prime right now. Party Pirate? Party Pirate. Where are my Party Pirate fans at?

Party pirate set. You've seen it? It's got surprisingly good ratings. I don't know. Canada editing, they just made the fucking movie so shitty, I think. But, like, in my opinion, like, literally, like, there was just, like, every time I submitted a script, they're like, this gotta come out, and I'm like, fuck's sakes, man.

Jesus Christ. It's not the same thing I tried to put out there, but that's it. Is Party Pilot about an Asian guy who flies planes? I didn't even hear what you said. What'd you say? What happened earlier in the show that I'm not getting? Nothing. It was right there in the moment. It's because that's how Asians talk. This episode's brought to you by Incogni and Tacovus.

So tell us something crazy about your life here. We're trying to figure something out about it. I know. I have a lot of near-death experiences. Yeah? Yeah, I've like almost died a bunch of times, like a lot too often. One of them got 30 million views in a day. What happened? I drove a side-by-side, a four-seater side-by-side off like a seven-story cliff. And then I wrote it off, walked away immediately, and then the cartel were just like, you owe us $50,000. Ooh, the Italians are coming.

No, the cartel, the Mexican cartel. Do you count tonight as one of the nights you almost died? I bombed on stage, yeah, it's terrible. Holy fuck. Yeah. Do you have audiences? Are you used to performing in front of other human beings? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those jokes, those three jokes, they are the most performed, best performance ones. What the fuck was that sentence you just said? I know.

I've got disfluency, too. I've got a bunch of fucking disabilities, so it's like you can't tell. What we all do. What is your best joke? That you could tell right now. It's not quick. Trying to get a minute is so much harder than trying to do a three-minute set or any of that shit. Right, because you have long setups, right? Yeah, you're right. Yes, I am right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

we're gonna keep it moving here here's a little joke book newfoundland christ okay oh everybody's sad he's sad i mean he's doesn't have any uh there's nothing to talk about there he goes We're going to keep it moving along here. Back to the bucket. Back to the bucket. This is surprisingly our ninth bucket pool of the night. We've been flying through it here tonight. Make some noise for Neil Rubenstein, everybody.

Okay. Yeah, hi. Hi, everybody. Yeah, I'm Neil Rubenstein. People mispronounce it all the time, too. Rubenstein, Rubenstein, Goldberg. I'm named after my grandfather, Norman Rubenstein, but I know that wasn't his name, you know, because he came over from Poland in the 1930s. So his name was like a bunch of Cs and Zs. No vowels. Inside out K for some reason. And just the immigration guys couldn't read it. They're like, what are you showing me? A Wi-Fi password?

Like, we're giving out a lot of Normans today. You're going to be Norman from now on. My last name is Joe. Norman Rubenstein. You guys made me nervous. Holy shit. We're giving out a lot of Normans today. It'll be Norman from now on. Norman Rubenstein. He said, my last name's Jones. Like, not anymore, Jew. And they just shoved him back down the stairs. That's how it was for us. Never been a good time in history for the Jews.

No one's going to be like, oh, you're Jewish? Right this way. Well, once. Stepped on the well once, but... All right. Neil Rubenstein. Hello, Neil. Hello, Neil. You've been on this show before, right? Yeah, and it went better. Yeah, it went better last time. Yeah, it's all right. What do you think went wrong tonight? You said that we made you nervous. I got nervous. I switched because he brought up Jew right away. Who? Whoever said Jew.

I think they were yelling at Ari. Yeah, also, yeah, you know, because Mark looks Jewish, so I was like, all right, I guess we'll do Jew jokes. Or there's the rabbi in the middle here that you haven't seemed to notice, this Yiddish. Fucking overlord. Quite the matzo balls. Yeah. The final boss of Auschwitz the video game here. Sorry. Shafir. You look like you eat Jews. Yeah. You look more like Rubenesque. Yeah.

He did that last time he did the Reuben sandwich. You don't have to... Let the new people make the same jokes that everybody thinks when they see you. It should be a barometer to let you know exactly what people think. How long have you managed the animal band at... Chuck E. Cheese. What do you do for work, Neil? What do you do? I just do this mostly, surprisingly. How do you make money doing this?

Doing shows, road shows, and then also SiriusXM royalties and YouTube stuff. From a show you have on SiriusXM? No, I have a record out. That's right. And it's in like regular rotation. You're a musician. No. Comedy album out. Oh. Yeah. That's embarrassing. Isn't that concerning? How long have you been doing stand-up again? Ten years. Ten years. And you're making money doing this? Yeah. I mean, not a ton. Not as much as you guys, but...

Well, yeah, I mean, yeah. You're goddamn right. I bought my own fucking clone. I have a hot tub in my bathtub. I do have a hot tub in my bath. How'd you know that? I know, that's why I said it. Neil, since this isn't going hilarious from your end, let's go the other direction. Tell us about the saddest thing in your life. In your life. Of all time. Like, what's some type of trauma that you're dealing with? What makes you cry?

I tend to talk about my parents' deaths a lot. Yeah, what happened there exactly? My mom died just a month after my dad. Did you eat both of them? Yes. So how did they die? My dad died. It was like concussive symptoms, but it was just like, he was just like an old man. He was an old man. And my mom died of leukemia. But we didn't believe her because she was like a huge... Red band. Red band.

she was a huge hypochondriac so we didn't believe her oh my god so your mom was complaining that she was sick with something and you guys didn't believe her and then it turns out she had leukemia yeah so you must be dealing with the guilt of that no not really i mean what What the fuck? If I believed her, what would that change? She would have gotten treated for leukemia. Ever heard of chemotherapy? No, she was already...

She was already, like, in the hospital. Actually, chemo, she had breast cancer. They gave her chemo. It gave her leukemia. Wait, she was in the hospital for cancer, and you still did not believe her? Where were you, the cafeteria? Yes.

Yes, I'm so sorry she was yeah shoot cuz like she was always like you know I fibromyalgia we're like like what are the symptoms being mean to me you know like wow your mom was mean to you yeah so then like yeah so then she was in the hospital for leukemia and they were It's okay. I don't know who's doing it, but it's great. Yeah, she was in the hospital, and my sister was like, come see her. She's about to die. And we're like, yeah, we'll get there when we get there. And then what happened?

i got there like as she died like when you say as she died like because like there's a part where the heart stops no like was it did you make it or was it just afterwards and you feel guilty about it should i be doing bits or No. No, she just... I wasn't asking you, dickhead. Yeah, she... You know, it seems like you're dealing with a lot of trauma here. And I'm going to bring out someone special to talk with you right now. Don't worry, it's not your mom or dad. Um...

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special treat. Make some noise swinging in just to give a quick analysis of the great Neil Rubenstein. A very, very special treat. Make some noise for the great and powerful Dr. True, everybody. Wow. Legend of the game. The man, the myth. We know him. We love him. The great and powerful Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew, grab Mark Norman's mic there. Or Neil's, whatever. I haven't been using it enough.

The great Neil Rubenstein ran late to the death of his mother, and he has problems dealing with it. um he says that his mom picked on him his parents died and that's why he says he eats himself to death every day do you have any advice some liberties with the story so you were there when your mom died yeah we watched yeah we were there and what happened

No, we just... Jesus Christ. She just died? Yeah, she was like, just wanted her kids around her, and we all said goodbye, and she asked me to make sure I make jokes about leukemia. Well, sometimes when your mom's a C, she does you a favor. Because when she dies, you don't give a shit. No, she wasn't. Oh, now we're defending them. Well, what am I supposed to do? So, is there a food addiction here? Is that... I don't know. I do serious shit. Yes.

Tell us about the food addiction, Neil. Go ahead. I don't know if it's food. I guess. It is. It's food. It's food, bro. It's definitely food. Have there been other addictions? I've fluctuated in my life. I am fat now. I'm also old now. I wasn't always that either. Yeah, I struggle. You seem like a very sensitive man. I am a sensitive man. I see that. I have RSD, is that a thing? RSD, what's that? I have HBO, but what is that? Really superb diet? Yeah.

No, yeah, I'm a sensitive guy. We're boring everybody to death right now. Maybe I should meet with him backstage. You know what? That's actually a great... What is RSD, though? I want to know. What is it? Rejective... Whoa. Jesus. Wow, the audience is wild here tonight. Wild. Some guy just yelled, regenerative sucking dick, just to show you the quality of the fan base we have here. He's now bowing. Jesus Christ. What an asshole. Thank you.

Guys, make some noise. What just a fun pleasure to get to call him out. Ladies and gentlemen, the legend, the great American, Dr. Drew. Dr. Kinski, everybody. This is a legendary show tonight. We do love you. Thank you, Dr. Drew. We're so happy you saw you. swung by. You never know who you'll see here. There they go. They're going to have a little session. I'm just kidding. Dr. Drew, go enjoy yourself. You can't help that, man.

Doctor, you're the only man who can wear a child's small shirt and make it look good. It's true. Except for us. We do a good job, too. What an episode. Did you guys have fun tonight? This was so good. You know, there's only one way to end an episode like this, and it is with the reigning, defending Hall of Famer, the record holder for all-time appearances and interviews, a man. who some people say is Richard Pryor's favorite comedian. Some people say that when this man sleeps at night,

God. Yes, go ahead. He dreams about Dane Cookbits. That's right. Some people say that when he wakes up in the morning, Chuck Norris is afraid of him. He's the only guy who wipes his butt after he pees. A man so hot that he cooks steak on his own thigh. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery!

And that is true. I do wipe my butt after I pee. Anytime I hear someone say, I didn't save my dog, my dog saved me. I'm like, you stole Lassie? Wait, were you drowning or? The children's show Sesame Street is celebrating Pride Month, and I'm going to be honest, I had no idea. Puppets had anuses.

How about those people that say, I'd like to order an iced coffee, hold the ice. I want to go up and say, I'd like a blow job, but hold the blow. And they go, wait, what? And then I'm like, I'm sorry, can I fill out an application? And on the eighth day, God created Aphex Twin. And Aphex Twin said, no, we just need seven. And God was like, oh my God, he's such a genius. Okay, that's my time, Tony. Thank you. William Montgomery has done it again. Unbelievable.

A long-awaited Aphex Twin reference. It's been a while. It's been forever. I started listening to Aphex Twin again, Tony. Yeah. You love it. What do you do when you listen to Apex Twin? Have you been rowing? Fuck. Yeah, well, I'm at 980,000 meters. So on Wednesday, I'm going to hit a million meters, Tony, on the row machine.

i gotta get my a1c down i'm pre-diabetic so that's why i'm doing a million meters on the row machine wow well this is the first time i've ever seen long short shorts it's the first time what shut up man I really didn't hear you. The shorts. Oh, the short shorts. William, what's your love life like? Wait, no. William's on every week. Me, we know his love life. That's right. Ahahaha!

But yeah, Tony, I started and finished a puzzle. I started it Friday, finished it on Sunday. What was the puzzle about? It was a hard one. We are talking. It was the table of a diner. It was a cheeseburger on there. There's two different types of pickles on there. It was a apple pie. Keep describing the things that were on the puzzle. There was a what? A cheeseburger? Yeah, there was the cheeseburger. I mean.

We're also talking apple pie. A couple straws of different colors. Those were kind of hard. Sorry, Tony, I just can't get into it tonight. You can't describe the things that were in the puzzle? I'm trying, but then it's like they were doing, I don't know. What's going on? Really? i don't really want to get into it right now no come on willie willie it's just friends here well i'm going to the doctor uh

Tomorrow, Tony, I haven't told anybody this, but I've been out on the road. I've been having a great time out on the road, but I've actually turned into a bug chaser. Ooh. And that's somebody that has unprotected sex with people with, like, HIV and stuff, and I'm getting my STD results tomorrow. Wow. Wow. So seriously, I'm a little worried about it, and I have fucking high blood pressure, high A1C. Uh-huh.

I could have HIV. What else? What else might you have? Fuck, I mean, they're thinking maybe a little gonorrhea! I know I got herpes, Tony! So did it awards! Oh my goodness. What else? Have you heard of RSD? RSD? Regenerative sucking dick. Yeah. That was the last guy. Wow. When you said you were a bug chaser, I thought maybe you were chasing bugs.

No, it's a subgenre. If you were going to chase bugs, what kind of bugs would you chase? It's your favorite bug. What are your favorite bugs? Oh my gosh, I love little cicadas. They make really fun noises in the summertime. Just cicadas, Tony. That's all I can think about right now. I can only think, I'm sorry. No, what else? Hold on, what other bugs do I like? Beatles? Ooh. Oh. Red man! Stop. Ladybugs? Some guy just yelled, delete it. Ladybugs! What about...

What about lady boys? What's your love life like? We're doing it, Red Band. Are you excited that there's two of me up here, William? You've done this show more than anybody else. Yes, I've never seen it. I love it, Tony. It really is nice. beautiful men up here like y'all it really has been so nice and y'all are laughing at the same time it has been so funny and it's cool i've loved it tony and the zohan

Low reference. I love it. All right. All right. William, anything else crazy going on that we should know about this one? Just heading to Tampa, Florida. So we'll see how Tampa goes. Oh, boy. Why are you guys cheering for Tampa like that? What are your favorite cities, William? Oh, my gosh. I mean, I really love... Named a liberal dumpster fire. First, in the middle of text. Another extremely liberal. Liberal. Conservative. They love.

Gay stuff. Oh, my God. That cigarette's out. It's beyond the filter. I've never seen someone smoke that far into a cigarette. What is wrong with me? William, anything else? Why don't you name a few more bugs that you love, huh? Why did that bitch say Jacksonville? He said bugs. He's like, what kind of bugs? I'm trying to think of bugs, bitch. I don't need to fucking...

It sure as shit not Jacksonville, you stupid bitch, for the fucking places I like. Seriously, what the fuck is that, you stupid bitch? I'm already obviously having a really hard time up here tonight. Seriously. I gotta go to the fucking doctor tomorrow, you stupid bitch. I'm almost at a million fucking meters on the row machine. I'm sure your stupid ass couldn't touch that, you stupid bitch. You're probably horribly out of shape.

I've been doing it every day, you bitch! William Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. This episode brought to you by Incognito and Takovas.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Norman, tell us, what's shake in the pods? You're on tour. What's the website for tickets? Hey, marknormancomedy.com. Get some tickets on the road. Praise Allah. Keep it up. Comedy. The great Ari Shafir, where are you at? Mark Norman's filming a special November in Boulder, Colorado. Everyone come see that. Wow. Plugging Mark Norman's special taping six months out. Yeah. Are you up to anything? I've got a new podcast called You Be Trippin'.

We've got over 20 listeners. Ari Shafir and Mark Norman. We always love it. The Protect Our Parks boys are in town. Go see them on the road. We love them. We love them. And we love us. We love us. I love me. Come see me on the road. Yes, indeed. Believe it or not, everybody, you're not going to believe this, but this actually isn't me. It's Adam Ray, everyone. Kill Tony, Hall of Famer.

guest of the year multi multi-character legend and now i must admit this is indeed my new favorite character joe biden Dr. Phil. I mean, fucking Jeremy. Elaine. Adam Ray. and all the greats, and now Tony Hinchcliffe has joined the fray. Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again, I must say.

While we've always had a guest of the year, I'd like to announce that this year we will have the first ever host of the year award here on this show. And there are only two nominees and they're both me, everybody. It's me and me. Red band. Love you guys. We love you. We did it again. You guys were here for another episode.

of what used to be the number one live podcast in the world and is now the number one comedy show in the world. This is Till Tony. Thank you. Good night. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. then we talk about red band's secret show every thursday at the sunset strip one more time for red band kill tony merch what's the website again red band

We're really doing it, Red Band. Killtonymerch.com for all your Kill Tony merch. Kill merch. Fuck, fuck, Red Band. my God. Of course, follow the Kill Tony band all through us, and they're playing throughout the week one more time for the best goddamn band in the fucking land. And now we've done all our don't leak anything. That's right. Everything you see tonight has never been done before.

Don't leak anything. Don't say who was on the show. Don't say why my vest looks bigger. Don't say anything about the show. Are you ready to start the fucking show?