#683 - TOM SEGURA

Toni!!! Hey, this is Brad, been company-led from the company mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony! Get up for Tony! Let's go! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Fuck yeah! Yee-ee! Makes some nice, a Brian Red band, ladies and gentlemen. And how about some noise for the best stand band in the land? Cause that's some diabolical shit or what? My goodness! What an amazing show! You guys made it to the number one live podcast in the world.

This is Kill Tony, brought to you by Hello Fresh, Squarespace, and Game Time. A lot of fun stuff ahead. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Songset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? You know?

Sometimes we have three guests, sometimes we have two, sometimes we have one that is so good that I just like to fucking hang out, let the show breathe, make it about the bucket pools and the regulars and fucking jam with one of our favorite comedians in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him from all of us. Hit absolute, hit specials. His hit podcast, The Man, is Untouchable. And it is Austin's own Tom Sigerah. Oh my god. Let's fucking go, baby.

Yes. Resident of Austin, Texas, doing the Moody Center February 22nd here in beautiful Austin, the ball arena September 14th. Huge shit happening. Welcome back Tom. Thanks for having me. You're my closest sit here. Here. Sit here. Okay. Stay cozy just in case someone hangs out. I like the next joins us later. Welcome Tom. Thanks for having me. You've been on the show numerous times. We're so excited to have you here at home base where sometimes crazy shit really happens.

I have seen some crazy shit on the show. We can have some derelicts that fucking walk out. Yeah. Sometimes I'm able to get some real answers out of these people here, these bucket pools and find out more about them that we can't find out in the nervous arenas or even at the ACL live theater that we did that one time. That's right. We're going to try to make some magic happen here tonight. 252 human beings names are inside of this bucket.

Most of them piled into the bar across the street, which we have a wrangler go and grab them after I pull their name out. Some of them, a few of them, assuredly, are inside. Anybody inside sign up tonight? Clap your hands. Oh, yeah. Look at that retard. There's cross that we get someone from the bar across the street. If I pull someone's name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitty.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them abruptly. And then I interview them and we find out more about them. We talk to them about what makes their lives special. Who knows? Maybe as of late. There's been trivia. I'm not spelling bees. Anything can happen. Ladies and gentlemen, are you guys ready to start tonight's show? I pulled the first name. They're wrangling that person from across the street.

While that happens, why don't we get one of our regulars up here, huh? You guys are fans of the show, right? How many of you watch every week? Well, then I think you will be very excited to find out that the first comedian doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight is an instant legend on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, he is in a hurry to become a citizen of the United States of America. I present to you the Estonian Assassin Ari Maddie. What's up? I just moved to Texas. I love it.

Buck is old, Dave. What I love about Texas is that you guys are like proud to be American. And I love that energy, you know, because the first time I came to America, this was a couple of years ago. I went to Seattle. Very different vibe. Dude, I go to Seattle. I'm hyped. I'm ready to go off the plane. I watch saving pride, Ryan. Back to back three times. I'm hyped. I'm ready to shoot somebody, you know? Let's fucking storm the capital and shit. And then I get to Seattle. Everybody walks around.

Every bitch I met had like green hair. That's low blood pressure, you know? Every conversation I had in Seattle, they were all like, you know, America is built on a racist touch and down. Who gives a fuck? You're here on the winning side. If you don't like America, go check out Ukraine. Why do you get an old me latte in downtown Kiev? You want great fun, bitch. If you don't like America, give me your passport. Thank you very much. Oh my god, he's done it again.

The full flex, one minute 45 seconds. The bear is afraid of Ari Maddie. He goes in hiding. Tom, this is your first time. That was my first time seeing it. Yeah, that was great, man. You know your crowd. Hey fucking, eight, that shit up, bro. Way to go. Hell, you say, you say, you say, you say. Hell yeah. Ooh, the lights right wild for you, ass. I love it. Very good. Fucking fun topics the whole way through. You mentioned buckies for those people around the world.

A huge part of our listeners are global. I went there today for the first time. Oh, how would you explain your first impression of buckies? There was a rubber boat, burritos, jackets, condoms, gums, guns, a holster for fish, who, whatever you want. We got it. It is. What do you want? I think there was a hooker in the back for 50 bucks. Yeah. It is truly unbelievable. I was there yesterday coming back from a college station.

I went to the A&M Notre Dame game with our good friend, Shane Gillis, and a friend of the show, Johnny Manzel. And I came back and I was so excited about this bucky stop in Bastrop, about 35 minutes out. I get a Texas cheese steak burrito. Does anybody ever drop this from buckies? It's unbelievable. I had that too, by the way. You had it? Yes. I mean, my European belly, cantando, dude. My little European asshole trying to squeeze out that American third, brother.

You can fuck me tonight easy, dude. My asshole is all stretched out, dude. Yep. Holy shit. I still have diarrhea. Currently right now, a little piece of shit in my pants. It really is one of those things. The Texas cheese steak burrito, while being perhaps, I mean, bite after bite, one of the most delicious things. It is truly risk-reward. That should be next to that in the dictionary. A picture of the buckies.

Texas cheese steak burrito, because even my stomach full of Italian red sauce, my entire life, and men's come. I beat you to it. I could tell the wheels were turning there. Son of a bitch. Tony's gay. There you go. Tony's gay. Tony's gay. All right, all right. That's enough. Okay. But even me, and I have a furiously strong digestive stomach. It's one thing I just never have problems with. But even me, that Texas cheese steak burrito fucks me up 100% of the time for a few hours.

I learned yesterday that if you do a minute and a half in the cold plunge after having one here good, that's what it takes. It takes 45 degrees Fahrenheit at 90 seconds, and here's all your problems. The diarrhea goes away? I beat it to the diarrhea. It doesn't cause diarrhea. I didn't diarrhea in the cold plunge. That would have been a pop song story. A whole little fudge cycle, if you will. I love it though. It's great stuff. You've been to a buckies. Oh, God, yeah, of course.

It's an experience. It really is. If you come to Texas, you have to go. Absolutely. Make yourself go. Have to go. It's useless, shit. But it's so fun. Yeah. I'm sheep shit. I like the fucking sweat. You're like that jacket. It's like a hat. It's a fucking boat. And you're like, okay. And also, I don't know how the payment works there. Like, I could have stolen it. Hey, American, steal shit. Nobody fucking who looks at shit. I have a conspiracy theory.

I probably obviously shouldn't mention it on this show. But I have a little theory that they purposefully don't ring everything up. Did you notice this at all? I mean, yeah. Anybody else notice this? Is that a thing that they do on purpose? They could look really. Yeah. Wait, what do you mean? I'm pretty sure. So, like, if you get a ton of shit, I think they like go like, like, that, that, that, that, that, that, that. I've had it happen. I'm thinking you just have some of it.

They don't say that, but they're like, your total is $32. You have like a ton of shit and a jacket like that. Well, you got the whole fucking jumps. You're the whole shit. How much was that? $12. It is the most magical place on earth. Hot nuts and... What's up? Yeah. And I've never seen so many fat people in Camel. Dude, that deer is gonna see you. With your fat fucking face. This is big red fucking, I like Baldwin. Hey, Tom, you used to be fat, right? Yes, yes, yes. But I didn't wear Camel.

That was fucking good. Money makes a difference. Yeah. They could also help you get citizenship, so just try to get you. Ah! Believe me. You got a long way to go with that. But I hope you get it, dude. I fucking hope you get it. And if you don't get it, just cover yourself in Camel and hide in with the rest of us. Ari Maddie, you did it again. Thank you so much. You're a brand new. Thank you, Giltoni. That was great. That was great. I mean, the show has begun. You're in it.

And now to the fucking we go. This is obviously the part where shit gets crazy. Could be anybody. Could be a star of the future. We found all of our regulars and golded tick-a-winners through this bucket. Could be a crazy person. Could be a 15-year veteran that's swallowed his pride and come here to try to make it. Could be somebody who's starting tonight. Either way, they've waited for hours. They signed up and the moment is theirs.

Here first bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Trey Campbell. Make some noise for Trey, everybody. Hey, everybody. I just moved to Austin recently. I'm really excited. The other day, I was driving on the street and I saw a bumper sticker. And it said, silly boys, trucks are for girls. But I looked at the bumper sticker and it was on a Nissan Altima. And I was like, oh, that's cool. This city is so progressive. Even the cars here are trans. I'm getting married.

Me and my wife were riding in the car the other day. And she was all like, I need to go to church. I need a closer relationship with God. And I was like, you just overdosed on Whipits the other day. How much closer to God do you want to get? Any Kanye West fans in here? Kanye just released a new album on Vultures. One of the albums, one of the lines, he says, beautiful, big, titty, but naked women don't just follow this guy, you know. And I heard that and I was like, damn, those are bars.

But clearly Kanye West wasn't in New York City on September 11, 2001. Drake Campbell. Looking for validation throughout his entire set from Tom and I. Paying no attention to the- At the Tom's, the girl. 350 people in front of him. Did not care if you guys were laughing whatsoever. I cared a little. It was fully focused on him and I after each punchline. We have that bond, me and you. Oh, no. Yeah, no, you're right. I was just trying to look at her. That was very funny, man. That was very funny.

Thank you so much. Absolutely. Were you happy to be wearing camo with a buckies earlier? Are you patty? Describe someone that looks shockingly like you. It might have been me. It depends on which buckies you were at. Wow. Because we were at the one and a bass drop. Well, well, look at that. It might have been me. It might have been you. You were there today? No, it was like a couple weeks ago. Right. Looks like you had a few cheesesteak burritos. Hell yeah. I like their pulled pork sandwiches.

Oh wow. Their pulled pork sandwiches go hard, man. Red ban, agreeing. They go hard going in and coming out. Wow. They made you go soft. That's true. I don't know, man. I've been doing pretty good. Yeah, tell us more. What is your diet been like lately? What exactly is it? Because you look like a leprechaun that only eats lucky charms. That is true. Back when I was a kid, I would only eat the lucky, like the marshmallows out of the cereal. Dude, we fucking know. Come on. Thank you. Come on.

You would be correct. Yes. Tell us some more of the wild fat boy things that you've done. Marshmallows only out of lucky charms. Can you give us some more examples? Well, I would take some of those honey buns, and I would put them in the microwave, and then I would take them out and put syrup on the honey bun. Oh, fucking hell, dude. It's pretty good. Oh, my. Can you believe somebody's gonna marry me? Is someone marrying? Yeah. You're engaged. Yeah, I'm engaged. Who are you engaged to?

Her name is Lindsay. We met in line for your show. Unbelievable. There you go. Kilt Tony, making miracles happen. Where did you move from? I moved from Houston. Oh, okay. I was gonna guess Oz. Houston. That is incredible. And what does Lindsay do for a living? She sells apartments to old people. Oh, she's like a scammer. Depends on who you ask. Okay. Why is it really specifically? Yeah. Are you old? You want to fucking buy something? Yeah, for real. Just come on down. I said, nurse.

I'll get your information. What makes her target old people? I don't know. I think she just works in one of those senior facilities where she, you know, I don't know. That's a senior home. It's not a pretty much. Yeah. She's like the director of sales. Okay. So she gets people not apartments, but into a nursing home. That too, yeah. Okay. Absolutely. And you guys met. What was your big line with her? What was your opening on? She came up to me. She was like, hey, you're really cool.

You're really funny. She saw you on the show before. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That's about it. We just kind of started talking about like the Smiths. Wow. And the rest is history. I now know what she looks like. Just from that description. That's all that it took. Dark hair. No, she's got, well, she has like red hair. She dyed it red. There you go. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. A lot of makeup. A little bit. Yeah. She's beautiful. Oh, I bet.

Yeah. To be with, to settle for a boy like you, I bet she's a real fucking supermodel. Yeah. I think so. Let me guess. Six foot five. No, that's close. Really? She's big? You know this girl. Yeah. She's like, well, the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. All the biggest comedians in the world. Wow. Some six foot five open micers rolling in their... Still a lot of space. No bump in their heads on those ceilings. I promise you that. Natoriously high ceilings. A great place for someone six, five to perform.

Incredible. And we'll remind us. What do you do for workings? Actually, now I moved here and I got a job in news radio. News radio. No better time, perhaps a local mode of his next for you. Perhaps the newspaper. Yeah. Yeah, it's the way of the future. Radio, news radio. What exactly are you doing for news radio? Usually I run the board. I'll answer the phone calls. A lot of people call in and say a lot of crazy shit. Somebody... It's a political talk show. Oh, yeah.

Somebody called and said Biden gave his dog cocaine. That was pretty cool. That's not impossible. It's not. I mean, they found it in the White House. It makes me... It's not the craziest thing. You can make a living doing that? Yeah, I make about 15 an hour. Okay. All right. I guess it depends on what a... She's got to sell a lot of apartment. Living is... Yeah, that's relative. I got it. How long have you been dating this girl that you're marrying? We've been dating since...

February. This February? Yeah. And when did you get engaged? We got engaged in May by the high, how are you, mural. Okay. And what made you do it so quickly there, Tray? I just... When you know, you know. And we just fit together. No. That's not true at all. I love her. Yeah. Well, I bet you do. I bet you do. Do you have any inheritances or anything? Yeah, I got some... Yeah, I got some inheritances. Yeah. You want me to talk about it? Yeah, let's talk about it. Why not?

We've never asked that question in 11 and a half years. Who better to ask about his inheritance is the new, the most adorable little fucking Oopalupa I've ever seen in my life. Incredible. Um, no. My dad passed away in 2021 and he left me some money. Yeah. Ballpark it. How much? About 350. Oh, that's pretty good. He left me about $350. Uh, you're being silly. Was it $350,000? Maybe. Okay. Any other inheritances? Let's go through. It's a little segment we call Trays Inheritances, everybody.

Um, no, that's about it. He left me like a... He left me two trailers and he left me some four-wheelers and a boat. Anybody who wants to buy some four-wheelers and a boat. Do you want to buy a four-wheeler, Tony, or Tom, or Red Ben, or... No, I'd want one where the shocks and struts aren't used by you. I haven't wrote it in like 10 years. You mentioned hitting a bump on that... Get her! Fuck. That's funny. Are you living in the trailers? No, not anymore. What... Did you sell them?

Um, no, not yet. I'm trying to. Are you gonna rent them out or what do you do? Yeah, that's the goal of... They're just sitting empty? Yeah, they're just kind of sitting there desolate. Um, a lot of my clothes are in there. This is a lot of clothes I can't wear anymore. Is your lip blue right now? Am I noticing that? I think it's the black lipstick because like I kissed my wife before I came up there. Oh! Wow, wow, wow, wow. I get a little bit worried when she kisses me on the face.

And she wears a black lipstick. Yes, that a Smiths fan would have black lipstick, huh? That's incredible. It's absolutely shocking. When I pictured her, I totally didn't picture anything like that. I think you'd like her. Yeah? Yeah, she's cool. Why do you think I'd like her? I don't know. You just see him like someone who'd like her. She's six-one, uh... You know? Absolutely. Just because of the hype? Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever 69 with her? No, we haven't. She's not real.

Um, I mean, I would, but we don't really... Okay. Looks like right before. We haven't done that yet. I mean, I, I, listen, I will go down when asked to, but we haven't... Has she asked you to do that? Yeah, a couple of times. She, uh... Twice? Uh, more than that, I'm speaking in, like, uh, you know, in generalities. Yeah. Uh-huh. What, why have you... Hold on. What... Ha-ha-ha. Yeah. What have you... Why have you not... You're waiting to 69 when she's like, okay, tonight, we six-one.

Yeah, whenever she wants, you know, I'm down. So is she, is she like a dumb? No, not really. But... Can you suggest stuff, you like? Yeah, I think I should. I think I will tonight. Hey, look at that. That's great. It's awesome. Look at that. Now, how tall are you, Trey? I'm about five, eight. It's five, seven. Oh, it's going... I'm about five, six. There you go. So where do you think things are going to end up when you 69? Are you ready to toss her belly button? Yeah, I'm down.

I mean, it'll work. You guys have had sex, right? Yeah, all the time. All the time. Do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom? Perhaps the old stir the pot, or... Well, it takes me a while to get there. What exactly do you mean by that? It just takes me a long time to achieve orgasm and... You're like master control, as well. I think so. It's the karma sutra. I'm usually just thinking about the Sacramento Kings. Okay. I really want them to win a title at some point.

And, you know, I'm just always thinking about deer and fox. So he doesn't get a herd again, you know. So it takes you a while to finish? Yeah. That's nice. Do you... Do you have any kinks? Do you have any weird kinks? No, not really. I'm pretty boring, honestly. I like to have like a basketball on in the... I like car crashes a lot. I like to watch car crashes. During sex? Yeah, you know. Fucking slip. Body's mangled and shit. It's cool. It's cool. It's fun. I like seeing cars crash.

Yeah, I like them too. I mean, they're... You could just go to the day tone of 500. I went last year. I mean, I wasn't fucking someone during it. But yeah. That is cool. That's your dream. That's your dream? Just to fucking see a huge explosion. And then you're like, oh, you'll not be a fan. Essentially, yeah. That's awesome, man. Yeah. And does she have any kinks? I don't know. I think a couple, but I don't know if I should... Oh, that's very respectful. That's your wife.

I don't want to kiss and tell. No, that's... well, you have... We can tell you, Kist. So, you know? Yeah. Trey, Tom, you guys are never going to believe this. It was just informed in the longest way possible. Took a minute and a half. Took a red bit of a minute and a half to tell me something very, very simple. But I have been informed that Trey's girlfriend, who does stand up comedy, is now, right now, since it came together. Backstage and willing to do a set.

Trey. Would you like to introduce your girlfriend? Yeah. And then you just take a step to the right, and then we'll interview you guys together. No, not yet, Trey. After you say your name, and by the way, your right is the other way. Okay. Sorry, I'm just lexic. Yeah. Okay. So now introducing his girlfriend, Trey Campbell. All right. Here you go. Looks like... Yeah. There you go. Say your name, Trey. Say your fucking name, Trey. This is Lindsay Tiree. This is the little boy.

Here's a new minute from Lindsay, everybody. I already get in laughs. My name's Lindsay. My pronouns are Fee-Fy, faux-fum. Thanks, guys. Holy shit. Guys, I have this rock. I'm a lot like Camp Patterson, except for I am retarded. Anyway, I use it for stemming. It's an autism thing. And I rub it on my hands sometimes like my face. I got this cut on the inside of my lip, and I got super sick.

So I went to the doctor, and he said, I'm sorry, ma'am, you've contracted the very first ever case of mermaids. Thank you. Lindsay Tiree. Is that correct? Hi, Tiree. Hi, Tony. Yeah, that's right. I love it. Welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct? Correct. How long you been doing stand-up? About four years. Where are you from? All over the place. I just moved here in December from the Central Valley, California. I salio to be specific. There's one person.

Wow, truly the almost frightening middle of nowhere. I've seen the exit sign for that city. Well, you see what it breeds, so. Wow. Absolutely. I'll stick with stopping at a buckies. My goodness. So welcome, welcome. We just had a great talk with Trey. You work at some type of like nursing home or something like that? I do. I work at assisted living like nursing home. But for entertainment purposes, I sell cupcakes. So forget about the other thing.

Okay. Perfect. Amazing. It's true, Tony. They're delicious. I'll drop them off for you. Okay. Yeah, I like cupcakes. Thanks. Chocolate peanut butter. Fintouch, you make them? I do. They're organic and from scratch, even though they're not really organic, but don't tell any of my customers that. Oh, you just threw the label on there? That's cool. A small business, baby. Wow. I like your style. So just to be clear, she is a scammer. I don't know. Wow. I bought the sugar at Whole Foods.

That's cool. Amazing. Not only does she make cupcakes, she's also marrying one by the looks of things. You specialize in cupcakes and muffin tops. This is great. Lindsay, what do you do for fun? This, I have a chit-chon of cats and a dog that I pay attention to. A shit ton of cats. Two cats. That's one too many. Trail must fell off the stage making sure we knew it was only two cats. Please don't fall, Trey. So you live with three pussies. That's incredible. Incredible, Lindsay. One dog. One dog.

I love it. I love it. What kind of dog? The vet said that he's a, um, was a husky, hound mix. He's just a baby. Are we talking about Treyga? He's definitely a husky. He's husky and a little hound dog. Am I right? Ain't no the mud of hound dog. Look at you two. What kind of mattress do you guys use exactly? We're in a California king, so. Wow. Is that your order at In-N-Out? What is that exactly? I like water burger, so. You're a water burger guy? Yeah, all day.

Can I ask Lindsay, where do you stand on this street? Where do you stand on this coming from the middle of California? What a burger or In-N-Out. There's only one correct answer. And it's not what a burger. Go ahead and answer. All right, Tony. I'm just fat enough to be able to answer this question accurately. Uh-huh. Uh, the water burger chicken is better, and the, the In-N-Out burgers are better. I'll actually take that answer and accept it. The grilled chicken at water burger.

You gotta lose the bun, or else you immediately get cancer. That's how that works. Uh, Lindsay, you and Tray got engaged very fast, very quickly. How did it make you feel when he proposed to you? Were you expecting it? Were you surprised? Tell us a little bit about the insight, because we didn't get too much into detail about it. I mean, I was surprised. It was, uh... Did he even have to get down on one knee?

The height disadvantage here makes it so that I feel like he could have stood straight up. He's shaking his head. No, you didn't get on one knee? He didn't knee-sad on the edge of the bed, and he's like, so do you want to marry me? Wow! That is fucking adorable. And did you immediately say yes? Oh, yeah, totally. Oh, my God. You guys are so cute. You are. This is incredible. Did you know that you're 69ing tonight?

Well, when you're as tall, when you have the height differential, it kind of always is that. But... That makes sense. You're saying that you fuck tray upside down a lot. Yeah. I love it. I love it. What other position do you guys ever do reverse cow? Ah, there he is. Oh, we came here to groan. It's a brand new, never heard before joke. It only works when talking about sexual positions with a big couple. Leave out the girl. Okay. All right. I don't really care about you guys' sex life.

Quite frankly, I threw up in my mouth after a picture. Trey, I would love to have you back on the secret show Thursday, if you want. I'll be there. Can I make a suggestion? Can I make a little suggestion here? And I don't book your show, but I have to say it, because her opening joke was so fucking strong. I think that you should go fucking back to back five and five for each of them. This way they get to come in together. That's true. Happy couple. There you go.

They're going through doing the secret show. Amazing stuff. Thank you. Here's a big joke book for you, Lindsay. Welcome to the family. You already have one, right Trey? Thank you so much. There you go. Congratulations. Thank you, Tony. Welcome to the Killtony Universe. And like that, we're three comedians in already. This fun train is moving along. This looks like a fun next bucket pool. Make some noise. Ooh. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the lovely Heidi. Huh? She's here.

Live in the flesh. You can think about the Sacramento Kings. All you want. You're still coming immediately. There is no injury on that basketball team, which you can last through that. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. It can be challenging to find and meet with a therapist that is the right fit. Talkspace is so accessible from personalized treatment to meeting online from anywhere to the ability to texture therapists at any time.

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Don't forget to use our link at ExpressVPN.com slash guiltoney to get an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the Kiltoni. I do believe debut of Grinch Martinez. Grinch Martinez. So there I was this morning at breakfast with my children watching Info Wars. When I thought to myself, what would it be like if Alex Jones started reciting I-spice lyrics? It would probably go something like, you think of the shit bitch? You're not even the far.

Stay tuned, we'll be right back. I think Alex Jones is right, you know. I think we should have a problem with gay frogs. You're a gay frog listening to this. I don't hate you. I love everybody, you know what I mean? Just keep it away from my young tadpoles. You know what I mean? I got young fucking tadpoles impressionable. So I was that chick filet the other day, right? With my wife and kids, which is what you do when you don't have the abortion.

I know I was thinking to myself, why do they call it an Arnold Palmer? For those of you that don't know, he's just like an old white guy, played golf. But Arnold Palmer, the drink is a mixed drink. It's a half and half. We shouldn't call it an Arnold Palmer. We should call it a tiger woods. You know, he's half-tie, half-gur, you know what I'm saying? All right, that's my time. Chris Martinez, ladies and gentlemen. Grinch. Marchinas. Wow, I mean, absolutely unbelievably terrible.

That is incredible. There was it, shut up. They all left. Calm down. Come on. You ever come up here with zero laughs? Come on. Wow, look at you arguing whether or not that was a good or bad set. That's almost a never, there's a guy losing his mind in the middle of the room right now. They left, though. Oh, my God. This guy's crazy. What's going on? He's getting in trouble now. Forget it. Grinch, hello. How are you? It did suck. I'm sorry.

People weren't laughing exactly at the things you think they were laughing at. Do you think that Alex Jones impression is good? I've done better. Let's hear you do better. Try to do better. Yes, they globalist in Chinese icons, ladies and gentlemen. I would bet that Red Band does a better Alex Jones than you. Come on, Red Band. Come on, come on. Coryously doesn't do impressions. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Red Band going Alex Jones. Black hell coppers. There you go. No doubt about it.

That was right. I was right. Famous, non-impressionist, Brian Red Band. I'm just being you and an impression off. Do you really watch a lot of Alex Jones, Grinch? How long have you been doing stand up? I moved here December 21, so February 22, so about two years, two and a half years. You named five different dates. Two years, two years. Two years is the answer there. And how do you think it's going for you? Just open mics. Really? Just try my best with open mics. Do you love it?

Does it make you happy doing them? Yes, sir. Okay. What do you do for work? I'm going to add a pizza reo on 6th Street. Sorry about that. Oops. Did you hit the base drum there? Accidentally touched the ass of my son. You're a regular heartbeat for the pizza. I'm nervous about that mic. Amazing. Stay right here. Absolutely. You make the pizzas. I'm in the front of the house. No, no, no. I'm cashier. Okay. Absolutely. Yeah. We've hung out. Is that what you're saying? You served me before.

And we've hung out. In the time that it's hung out. Did I grab the pizza and then leave? Did you sign my autograph? I what? You signed an autograph for one. Oh, the bill. Yeah. Yeah. They had me sign a... What bill was that? Is that a five? Is it two? It was a $2 bill. Yes, sir. There you go. Yeah, I think I got to be the sign of bill. I fucking did it. And you took care of my pizza. I got one slice of pizza. Do you remember what kind it was? Yes, sir. Why don't you say it?

It was a pineapple pepperoni. That is correct. Ladies and gentlemen, Grinch Martinez, absolutely nailing... Because it was kind of very mad that I had pineapple on a pizza. Yep. Don't knock it till you try it, people. It goes great with pepperoni and sausage and penis. Yeah. Grinch, tell us about your love life. You look like you could be the third member of the tray and Lindsay. There's enough room on the palate. That's my third party. Yeah, nothing but thrupple.

I'm married. I haven't had the wedding yet, though. Yeah. How's that? I have two, just the pandemic. During the pandemic, I had two kids in the middle of it. We haven't got married yet. But it's on the to-do list. Yeah, I need to get that done. Yeah. I'd be done like this. It's hard for me to say that in front of all these people, honestly. What do you mean? It's just, I don't know. Something I've been dealing with for four years now. I've been trying to get married, you know?

Oh. But can you go to a cour house? I can. I should. You're right. Well... You said that like that. I just gave you the idea of ideas. Right, yeah. No, it's just hard. It's just moving over here from California. I got you. Where do you live here, though? I do live here now. Yeah, you can... I mean, you can just pick an afternoon. Right. I mean, like, it's not that fucking crazy. What's been stopping you exactly? You know how to get on a plane, right? You go to the airport.

Yeah. So if you want to get married, you go to... Yeah. Yeah. What's held you up up until this point, Grinch? Just... just hip deep in my two kids. Hip deep. Just diapers and just... You know what I mean? How old are the kids? Two and four. Even Red Band scoffing at you saying hip deep. The man famous for saying wild shitties and comedy. No, I know, dude. So the kids are white, one and three or so? Two and four. Absolutely. And they're both with the same woman.

You've been together for four years. Uh, six years. Six years? Do you always do stand-up in shorts? It's very hot outside, Mr. Thomas. I hear you. I'm just asking. I don't know. Okay. It's a thing. It's a choice. All right. Sorry. It is a thing. Stand-up in shorts. They say... In the Italian mafia, they say, a dawn does not wear shorts, and in stand-up comedy, they say a comedian does not wear shorts. I remember one time at an open mic at the laugh factory 17 years ago. I wore shorts.

And I remember thinking to myself, yep, this doesn't feel good. No. I'm never doing this again. And it's almost like a sure sign that the person's a fucking lunatic. Yeah. Yeah. No doubt about it. I was wearing a hoodie with my shorts that day. You know, Ohio State hoodie. I specifically remember, khaki cargo shorts, and where I was, and the day of the week, and the time, and I haven't done it since. That's how, uh, traumatizing. Look at how things change for you, man. Yeah. Exactly.

I put the shorts away, found red band, and my life changed ever since. Well, you know, my company, famous wear shorts and a lunatic. He is... He is a different type of soldier. He's an unorthodox weapon. He can wear shorts. He can also look at notes. Two things that I refuse to do in a big. Where do you find, like, where do you get up? Where do you try to get up on stage? The creek. The creek. The cave. Shakespeare is... Talk right into the tip of the microphone.

Shakespeare is the creek in the cave. I used to do the repollos of my, of the pizza rib before they stopped doing it. Uh, what else? I had a, yeah, the buzz mill. Done. They caught me over there. You're getting up. Sorry. You're getting up. You're getting up. That's all right. Okay. Is your real name Grinch, or is that a statement? Everybody calls me. That's what everybody calls you. It's what everybody calls you. It's what everybody calls you. Because you do kind of look like the Grinch.

Yeah. Yeah. Look at that. That is amazing. Well, it's funnier than all of them. Oh, exactly. Be careful you don't have to hit that drum. Oh, right. Yeah. It's fun to go by a name that... What's your actual name? My name is Pete. Peter. Uh, Pete. Yep. That's nothing like Grinch. No. Pete Martinez. What's something crazy about your life before I let you go? We would find interesting. Uh, right into the tip of that microphone. I don't know how it works. I've been at Antarctica.

Or the brick in the cave. But, uh, right here. I've been at Antarctica. You've been to Antarctica. Yeah. What did you do up there? Uh, I was in the Navy. I did a cargo handling operation. They do it once a year. It's part of the US Antarctica program. Do I command? I don't know. Why does everyone feel like you're lying right now? You were in the Navy. Because I'm always up to, I don't know, if it's face. Yeah. It's something, nefarious all the time, I guess. All right.

You've been on the show before? No. No sir. Really? No. Nope. Okay. Well, welcome. Here's a little joke book. Thank you. There he goes. Grinch Martinez. I'm going to count that as a bomb. He might not think that he bombed. I'm counting it as a bomb. I have a special soldier I bring in. We're watching him grow in front of our eyes. A very polarizing figure. Made a golden ticket winner just a few months ago. This is a brand new set from Drew Nickens. He's a dude twice. He's a dude twice.

He's a dude twice. He's a dude twice. He's a dude twice. Having a TBI in this platform. I want you to know, if you work hard, if you stay kind, you can achieve any dream you want. Right? Well, I want to accomplish like the ones before me. I'm talking about Gary Busey. Talking about Aaron Hernandez. Talking about Chris Benoit. But I'm not a murdering TBI. I'm a child like TBI. If you can't tell, I've stayed in mental health facilities. It's the one place where I'm the most normal guy in the room.

I like the ones that are mixed with drug rehabs. Because it's kind of like a Taco Bell on KFC. And plus, Druggies got to eat 24-7. So I get all the raise of Brandon Crunch. I've never had a girlfriend, but I did date a multiple personality. Lola, she hated me. Caroline roved me. I had a girlfriend four hours a day. Until Caroline got healthy. All right. Thank you all so much. True Nickens with another new minute.

You know, one of the main things, and you know, sometimes people say that my hearings, I mean, I don't have great hearing. I've been listening to loud music my whole life. But you know, sometimes they're listening to a cleaner version of the audio than what we have here. And they go, how did they not hear it? It's so blatant. Why did they say what do you say? But I'm here to tell you, I have no idea. Were you saying TBI? Yeah, TBI, Tariotic Braiding Street.

Okay. Yeah. The people that haven't had a TBI. Don't know what that is. Oh. We thought you said TV Guide. And it was making no sense to it. I literally thought you said TV Guide. And the people that haven't had a TV Guide, I want a TV Guide, like Aaron Hernandez, Chris Benoit. Like, how did they have a TV Guide? No. They didn't. No, they may have. You don't know that. A TV Guide. I guarantee you Chris Benoit had a TV Guide in his house. He was just hanging out. Whoa, true. Stop it.

You son of a bitch. You crazy bastard. You. Wow. That was great. So, you know, one of the things I would say is make sure when you're the setups for your jokes, you know, that people know what you're talking about. Saying TBI and, you know, like, you have to make sure you say, I've had a traumatic brain injury. And people would be like, yep. And then you're in. Because if the setup, if the setup isn't clean and clear, then everything else is off track.

The payoff, at the end, no matter how great your punch lines are rough. Make some noise if you honestly knew what a TBI was. Liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar. Shut up. They're probably no people with TBI's. Yeah, exactly. But also you can say it once, the long form, and say, or as we call it, TBI's, and then you have that for the rest of your set. Okay. Yes, sir. Yeah. We're making Drew grow here. It is a, it's a fun thing to watch. What was the TBI?

The TBI. Yeah. Can you explain a little bit what he or he's an uncomfortable. So I'll explain a little bit. I had a collision with something and it made my brain go, whoop, whoop. And so, it kind of changed who I was in a fact, because some people, they murder, they get really, I just gamble a lot. Oh, okay. So it's your impulse control and stuff? Impulse control. I forget things a lot. Frontal lobe. Yeah. Yeah. Whoa, you're smart. Well, yeah.

I've watched some of the same documentaries that you've watched. So, okay. So how long ago? It was about 10 years ago. Okay. 10, 11 years. Is there anything else that changed about your life when this happened? Is there something that maybe you were into or something that tasted good that wasn't good? What else changed? I didn't like sweet, I love sweet tea before. Uh-huh. And afterwards I was like, that's garbage. Wow. My goodness. I've found that I love polka music after I got my head injury.

Oh, my goodness. Fucking dope. You love polka music? Yeah, polka. Like a joke. Oh, yeah. He loves polka because he's from Serbia. I love polka. It's so fun. You guys got any polka? How do we got polka-wise? One. Okay. You really do love it, Drew. All right, all right, all right, all right. Well, I said like... Sorry. It looks good. No, no. It's not scary. I mean... I got the sweet tea. Okay. And I got the polka. Okay. And they see... They don't like... They're not, you know, life...

Like, they're not like, oh, what am I going to fucking do now? I don't... But is there anything... of negative consequence? Like a more severe thing that... I don't mean like severe as in... I just mean a negative behavior that is a trade... Yeah. Yeah, it seems like you got a lot of good stuff out of this brain injuries. You're a fucking... You're an international comedy superstar. You're out here dancing, nipoca... Fucking... I... I deal with depression a lot.

That's why I was in the middle of health facilities. And I deal with like suicidal tendencies. Please don't, 9880, if you ever have a problem. You can also channel the... 988. Is that a hotline? That's the suicide hotline. If you ever have any trouble. Also, you could do... Hell yeah, don't... Yeah. Tell us more. Tell them what to do. And you could also use the chat line so they don't have your information. I always use a fake name when I use it. I'm always Mickey. Mickey? Yeah, that's me.

How many times have you called the suicide hotline? Ah! Not lately. Right kiss the girl a couple weeks ago. Let's go. Oh, really? Oh my goodness. And I did a honk. Wow. My goodness. What funeral home did you kiss this girl, that, exactly? Ah. Now, where were you when you kissed a girl? Uh, on the back of her car at a cider cave. Wow, in the back of her car. No, on the back of her car. She had like a PT cruiser, so I was like lean back. And I had her, I had her right here.

Oh, I thought he was about to play the sad music again. And I was like, damn! Yeah. Wow. Did you take her to dinner? Did you go to... Yeah, we went to dinner. Did you go to TBI Fridays? Ah! Oh, man, you're so good at this shit. We went to Terry Blacks. Oh. And they looked it up, dog. It was good. She didn't like banana pudding. That was a red flag. Oh, my goodness. Big red flag. Who cares if she's sweet tea? Did you hear that? Dog, I... If you drink sweet tea, you might be boring. I don't know.

Unless you're in the audience, I love y'all! Have you ever tried a sweet tea liminator? Is a Grinch calls it a Liger Woods, perhaps? He thought that that got a big laugh. I got laughs up here. I love it. So Drew, you kissed her on the back of the PT Cruiser, and then what? Were you like, you want to take this back to my place? Did it just end there? How did that night end for you? Ah, I was like, hey, let's go get ice cream somewhere. You know, it's hot and heavy. And... Not heavy.

It was hot and heavy, and she said... I was hot and heavy. Yeah, hot and heavy, right? Okay, sorry, sorry. Ah! Enough about her. How was the moment? Dog, dog, I felt like one of those 902 and 0 guest dogs just like... It was true! I don't know what that means. Like, you know when... 90210 is only awesome if you've had a traumatic brain injury. They don't play poker. Anyways, but then she was like, I gotta go watch the newest episode of Big Brother. And then she left. Okay. Oh, right.

Sounds like a perfect first-hang to me. Was she a bigger girl? No! Skinny? Yeah! Tall? Black lipstick? No! No, I see what you're doing there. B-5-4-0. How? Oh shit. F***! F***! Yes, that's how we get him out. True Nickins, ladies and gentlemen. Out on a big lap. We got him. Get on him. It's not gonna get any better than that. You know what? Let's get another one of our regulars up here. Ladies and gentlemen, when I say superstar, I f***ing mean it. An absolute freak of nature.

This is a brand new minute from the undeniable Cam Patterson. You know what? We're gonna wait for that. We'll get to do a bucket pool. We'll do a bucket pool. All right, ladies and gentlemen. Reset your expectations because this is 60 seconds uninterrupted from what looks like a new name. Make some noise for Roman Schmidt. Roman Schmidt. So I grew up in a small town and one thing they say about small town people is that they're like racists and stuff.

And like I can't say remember a moment of racism, but I also grew up Catholic so I'm pretty good at ignoring obvious problems. Not true Catholic though, never done anal. So with a woman. I found out that Brown Ey was in reference to your asshole, which shocked me because my priest referred to it as my flower. So. Living in Austin, my first real experience was homeless people. And I don't know about you guys, but I get called a faggot a lot by the homeless.

It's to the point where I'm like they know something I don't. I've never questioned myself to I got here and I'm like is it the way I walk? Like what? Thank you, Evan Roman Schmidt. Absolutely unbelievable. This is the second time you've been on this show, right? Correct. And both times you've been absolutely hilarious from beginning to end. Wouldn't you agree that the crowd has been completely receptive both times? Yeah, they super fun. This is awesome. Remind us again. How old are you?

22. And how long have you been doing stand up? A little over two and a half. 22, two and a half years in. And most of that was in Wisconsin. Yeah, two years in Wisconsin and the rest here. Uh-huh. So you've been here about six months. Like eight, eight or nine or whatever. How do you like it? The scene is super fun. The city's whatever. I... Yeah, well I do get called a faggot a lot. And I don't... Take it from me, Roman. That's every city. It's not just an Austin thing.

I get off the plane everywhere else. And immediately the pilots are like, good day, faggot. Enjoy it out there. 77 in cloudy. Good enough. Good enough. I'll prepare. Yeah, it's not an Austin thing being called a faggot. I was hoping it was. Take it from me. Take it from me. And by take it from me, I mean this. Caw, because I'm gay. No, I'm kidding. All right. Tom, what do you think about the young buck Roman here? Yeah, that was a great set, man. Very funny stuff. Very funny stuff.

Where are you being called a faggot so much? Well, it's usually... Is it on the street? Yeah. Because I like to be downtown and like right outside and all that. Do you walk on all fours or something like that? Sometimes you gotta switch it up. It's good through the back. No, it's usually like a homeless guy's like, can I have a dollar? I'm like, no, I'm like faggot. And then they walk away. And it's like, that's cool, you know? Yeah, that is cool. And you didn't have the men with...

Where did you live with Wisconsin? Madison. Madison. Yeah, that's where I started. You ever go to Milwaukee? I never actually left Madison. Oh. But that's because if you go to Milwaukee, they'll call you a fag, too. Yeah. I was in Milwaukee when I was real little, but I was not like anywhere in the city, though. Yeah. Okay. Have you ever thought about beating the homeless guy to the fag, perhaps saying, you know, hey, man, do you have a dollar and you go, no, fag, it? No, I'm too nice.

I've been told. I've been too nice. That's the Wisconsin and maybe... Give us some examples of the nicest things you've ever done in your life, Roman. Oh, jeez, Louise. I took it. That's very nice. That's very nice. You know what, dude? You're a fag. Can I have a dollar? No, jeez, Louise. Tell us, Louise. Tell us, Louise. Yeah, I actually say that a lot. We are fag, it's, dude. I love a good jeez, Louise. Probably every day I say that at some point. Do you say heaven's a bestie, too?

No, that's okay. No, that's too faggy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So give us some of the nicest things you've ever done. Growing up, I'd serve for a lot of funerals for like the older people. I do that all the time. You would serve it for you? Yeah, I was an altar boy. So you just serve mass and... You serve that ass up? Is that what you said? You know, I'm going... Yeah, at this point. But, no, just like church stuff. Could a priest ever get touchy with you back in your altar boy days?

No, it's pretty fucking ugly. I was a goon. Yeah. But if you were an altar boy now... Oh, I'd have so much asked for the priest. Dude, I would be killing it in the church. Absolutely. Put it right in your Holy Spirit. Let's talk about the dark side of Roman Shment. Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. G's Louise. What's some of the meanest or nastiest things you think you've ever done in your life? What pops in your head when you're not a boy, Roman Shment?

Well, sometimes when I started to sleep at night, I also had a balcony in my apartment. No, shoot a gel blaster at the homeless walking by. Have you ever thought that maybe they're on to you? No, I started after them calling me that. So, everything's tied to the homeless with the day I was like... Have you ever taken one down to the rainy street bridge, perhaps? I don't know you. You guys gotta find out. Wait till. But that wasn't great. Good riff by me. That was good riff.

No, it's just late at night, trying to sleep. I'm close to it. They're walking by. They pissed me off sometimes. How did they piss you off just walking by? Just call me a faggot. Oh, they just... Even in this dark end poorly. Yeah, I know. I've never said that word that much in my life. So... And now, two million people are gonna see this and my mom. So... Oh, frick. And your priest back home in Wisconsin. Yeah, this is gonna be cool. It's gonna be awesome. Yeah, yeah, no doubt about it.

So, we've seen the light. We've seen the dark side of Roman. What about that 22-year-old love life? Prove to us you're not a faggot. Tell us something. I can't. I can't. I can't. I wish I could, but I... Yeah. I just go out and do stand-up every night. So, I'm not even thinking ladies at this moment. You don't do the apps or anything like that? I do, but then I just go on there and I just start criticizing profiles and stuff. I'm not a good person. What app are you on?

Whatever you on plenty of faggots? No. I'll download Hange and be like, why do we pick this picture and stuff? Have you been on a single date in Austin? Yeah, I've been on a couple. Where did you meet those girls at? I was doing an open mic at Narbar and her friend told me she was cute. So, I was like, guaranteed to get a number this time. How did that work out? What did you do with that girl?

We went and got food a couple times, I guess this famous food place on the other side of the river by the park or whatever. Burger place, but nothing too special. Did you land a kiss or anything like that on the back of her PT cruiser? No, the front of it. But no, not with her. I kissed some other chick, but that was... There you go. It was... It was not that interesting, yeah. Who was the chick that you did kiss? Some random... Some random girl, yeah. We're just pretty rad.

Where'd you meet her at? On Sixth Street. It was just walking down the street. Yeah, we made eye contact and she just kept down. I was like, well, I guess she's interested. I'll try a good number. And then, same thing. I fucking feel like we're looking at a future serial killer. Yeah. I wish that was the first time someone told me that. Well, I really do. Because it's a nice facade and there's some real darkness in there. No, this is... Everyone thinks I'm such an innocent person.

And then I show them like my TikTok reels and it's just people dying all the time. Whoa. There it is. Yeah. There it is, dude. And the problem is it's not that it's... Them dying, it's me laughing. That's... This is the good stuff. Keep talking. Keep talking. Yeah. Like... Like one time... I was watching Sabin Private Ryan with my dad. Yeah. And I laughed at that. At the... All the deaths? The whole movie. Yeah, the whole movie. That's a fucking real knee slapper, right? I know. It's...

My dad bought... When they storm Normandy and shit... Well, what really got me is I don't know if anyone watches the background, but one guy lost his arm and then was just casually looking for it. Yeah. Yeah. That's funny. That's funny. Yeah, like no one... I was like, that's hilarious. And I was laughing a little too hard. Just don't forget how fucking dark you really are, okay? Yeah. All this nice fucking Madison boy bullshit that you start with?

Yeah. Let it go, because you were a sick, demented person. Yeah. And that's what you got to lean into. You're a dark individual. I... Yeah. It is great advice. Yeah. I completely agree. Thank you. There's two sides of this. This kid's fucked up, man. Well, the thing is, I know that, but everyone just looks at me. You're like, let it approachable. Yeah, no she's like, homeless people keep calling me a faggot when I'm choking them unconscious. You got a big jokebook last time you were on, correct?

Correct. And there you go. Roman Schmidt, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. You're not going to invite him to your little show? Wow, look at you playing hard to get over there. Hello there, this podcast is sponsored by Simply Safe. Have you ever felt a sense of unease when you leave your home wondering if everything will be safe while you're away? I know I have, but it wasn't until a friend of mine got his house broken into that I realized how originally I needed a security system.

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I'm trying to act this shit. I've been going on all this since I ain't got shit yet. They don't want me. They want a different nigga. Every time I apply for roles, they all work. I just can't be nobody but my, I probably be a British nigga a couple days ago. They didn't go good at all. I was like, Pimp Hill, Cheerio, fuck nigga. Like, don't do that. Team Cump is pussy and it wasn't a good time.

I also don't make good decision. I recently told John Barter of 2003, and I was a dumbass choice. I shouldn't have did that. I do like my car though. My car dope. I like it a lot. My car is pretty cool. My car like a thug. You know what I'm saying? Like old cars are thugs in my mind. My car with them with two parts. God shot. It's seen a lot of shit. New cars is pussy.

Real shit. Like a 2024 car pussies here, though. If you get like in a Tesla, it probably beep a lot for you. Put your seatbelt on. Please. Put your seatbelt on when you gonna die. In that old three, Acro, if I'll put a seatbelt on, fuck nigga, you wanna die? Let's die, brother. I've been trying that long time. Let's go nigga. There he is. He's done it again. It is true. Everything you said is true. New cars is pussy.

Just some notes here. They beep, beepin. They beep a shit. My car on beeps is shit. Don't be, don't tell me when the gas getting low. You see the sign. Do you see the needle bitch? I wanna eat pussy feet. They don't tell me nothing. I like that, dude. I like it a lot, bro. It just broke down a couple days ago. It probably pissed me off. But I gotta start that business with the school driver now, but I'm having a good time. Wow.

Yeah, I like it, dude. Is that because you stolen? No. No, I just steal it. It's not a stolen car. I bought the car. It might be stolen from somebody else. That's true. But it's my car now. I love it. That's a newer car. No, it's an old three Acro. It's the same one I thought. It really is an old three Acro. Yeah, nigga, think I'm playing. This is real shit. Wow. You think I'll be playing without bought an old three Acro. You stay true to your roots and by roots, I mean the movie.

If y'all don't know, that's a slave movie, white people behind my wife's. A lot of y'all didn't laugh. That was pretty funny. I was like, what's going on? Yeah, root is a slave movie. Do you understand that Tyler? Yeah, yeah. This is good. That's a Tyler right there. That's a definitely a Tyler. Look at them show with Tyler. I know a Tyler when I see one for sure. Yeah, yeah. And that's our mandu, right? That is our mandu.

Yeah. Okay, you're close. What is your actual name, sir? Oh shit. What's your middle name? Climbing. Oh shit. Oh, cool. I'm gonna try Rodriguez Garcia. They try to hide that shit in the beginning, but you can't. You can't. Get out of that shit for long, brother. You mess again, man. Yeah. Yeah. That's all that good. Chris. Clemente Garcia.

Hell. The old switch was real, dude. I think that's probably the reason why you need a screwdriver to start your car. Well, Clemente Garcia in there trying to get it started. I love it. Man, that's some of me. Have you really been going on an audition? So you have to send him in on tape out here. Yeah, I'm a double try. I've been trying a little bit. But I just sound like me. That's the problem. You what? I just sound like me. So okay, it's hard. It's tough.

I shouldn't have to audition. I mean, I don't know. This is crazy. We're gonna talk after that. People are like, dude, it's not like I say this. I try to be a waiter. What's up? Put the go your food. You want to re-cheese? Where's the guy you go, so? You are a super-study. They shouldn't have you auditioning. I don't be noise. We know it. We should be writing roles around you or nothing at all. You should not wasting your time for these fucking Hollywood nerds.

We need a urban character. Looking for a young, Kevin Hart type. It's just crazy that your fucking stupid manager has you doing stupid shit like that. It's unbelievable. But here's a little behind the scenes for you guys. This fucking cams a superstar. He's a draw. He can sell tickets at any point in any city at any time. So these managers and agents, they fucking cling on and they go, I can help you. I can get you a super deal. Just give me 10% of your ticket sales and I got you.

And then they have you exhausting yourself, sending in tapes. Who's video recording these? Which friend on your couch? I got a tripod. See, you're doing it yourself. Who's reading with you? A sign there by the people in the club. A sign there. A sign in there. Yeah. Very cool. What's like, is it mostly just that? What are the characters doing that you're reading for? I'm all one of them all trying to be a moose in the show. A moose? Yeah. But I couldn't do a moose voice.

It was like for an animated. Yeah. Oh, good. I mean, not like a fucking, yeah. And I'm gonna make me a moose today. I don't know. Tyler Perry's out there making a whole bunch of crazy shit. Tyler Perry goes to hand-dirt to go. Hey, what a bitch of moose. Cause be beepin' in shit on me. I can really be like a brow at that. I feel that shit, don't feel it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Let me do some lines. Let me do some lines. Let's do some lines.

What the fuck was that, Ray, man? That lawn hole, the nigga. This is a Hollywood detective. I want to be a, let me be a doctor. You want to be a doctor? I want to be a doctor. You guys got any doctor music over there? I'm the patient. Yeah, you're patient. Okay. Oh, man, I've just been waiting for this doctor. Why did they always take so long? It seems like some kind of scam or something. What's up? Are you talking, man? Oh, you got to be fucking kidding.

I got shit. There's no way you're the doctor. Yeah, I went to a lot of medical school for this, man. It's been a long time coming. Where did you go to medical school, sir? But then we'll come to university. I will die before you talk to me any longer, doctor. Wait, oh no, wait. I got to, I got to, it was those bad. Oh, okay. You got cancer, fuck, nigga. Oh shit. Well, Dr. Dre, thank you so much. That was exactly how Christina found out.

Hello, babe. Yeah, bad news. I just got back from the doctor. I have cancer. The pancreatitis dough. Oh, what the hell? The fuck? That is you after breaking your arm. And tendon, both. Double win. Oh my god. It is unbelievable. One more time. We sometimes use it when the topic of gay sex comes up. But it sounds really gay. It's not gay, fuck. Thank you, doctor. It's so unprofessional. Yo, that's your gay is fuck. That's your gay and all. No, that was fucking a felt gay too.

Cam, you are unbelievable. Week after fucking week after week, your energy, your sense of humor. It's off the fucking charts. One more time for cancer. He's great, man. Yeah, he's unbelievable. Taken over the world. A bunch of great stuff coming around the corner from him. But back to the bucket we go. We found him out of the bucket. The next camp Patterson could be next. Make some noise for Mike Ivy. We're going to meet them all together here.

Hey, comedy mother ship. Oh my god. Austin, Texas, New home of stand up comedy. Love it. I'm going to be here. Only way this place could be better if there was a chick filet here. Love a chick filet. Oh my god. Religion has done some bad stuff, but chick filet is not one of them. Why can't there be more fast food restaurants based on an actual cult? Come on. Get some Scientology tacos. Yummy. How about a Jehovah's Witness door dash? Come on.

Fuck the foods here. God damn it. Jehovah's Witness door dash is here. This burger tastes like Jehovah. Shut up. Nobody wants a I like to go to Chick filet and tempt the faithful. Walk up there. How about we open this bitch up on a Sunday? What do you think? Yeah, no. All right. How about let me get a number six? Number six and another number six. Make my sandwich is upside down. If you do that at a chick filet, if you do that, have a chick filet, free holy water with every order.

Thank you very much. My name is Mike. Thank you. It's so stupid, but it was, it did make me laugh a lot there at the end, the possessed chick filet customer. Mike Redban had a real fucking, I mean, just a prop, just furious because he is our senior fast food correspondent. And it is an extremely well known fact. And I think you know where I'm going here. You're looking like you're trying to think or be curious, but you understand you know exactly where I'm going to go.

I understand Wendy's Wendy's. No, no, there's a chick filet two and a half blocks away from here. In fact, breaking news, Michael Gonzalez, will you hold that up? The entire crew ate chick filet before you got damn right. You got damn right because Jesus is Lord. That's right. I'm sorry. What? No, you're right. Jesus is Lord. But you know, how long have you lived in Austin?

About three years. About three years. And you know, so there's a way to get into that same thing by saying that it's right here down the street. Have you ever looked for a chick filet? No, yeah. I was going to do another joke, but then I didn't have any water back there. And that joke requires me to do a lot of breath work. And I'm not going to do that. The joke that you were going to do requires you to do a lot of breath work. Yeah. There was no water back there. No water back there. Really?

There was Heidi had a liquid death back there, but I didn't want to do that because that would be a creepy and my dream. So I was like, wait, that would be why he had a liquid death back there. And I was like, can I have that liquid death? And then it was like, I think that's Heidi's and I was like, I wanted so much, but no. I see. Yeah. It was an already open can of liquid death. She kissed it with her mouth hole. I don't think that that actually happened.

It's true. That is a fact. I did not lie. You saw her kiss. There's a liquid death back there. I said, can I have some of that liquid death because I'm in genius? Did you ask? I asked the guy who's the the the the the system back there. And you're like, can I have some of that open liquid death? I asked for water first. And then they were like, I don't have any water. And I'm like, God damn it. I want some water because I want to do my joke.

And there was liquid death there. And I'm like, can I have that liquid death there? And they were like, that's Heidi. So I was like, oh, that'd be super creepy. There's not a few cans of water back there in case someone that just ran across the street loses their fucking. Oh, God. I got somebody fired. No, it's a good thing to have that if we don't. Sometimes I have to go through it.

We have a can of water anywhere. Oh, here it comes. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for little Christie, everybody. Oh, my God. A lot of members here. Yoni's right hand woman. Here's some fresh can of liquid death. We had Heidi scored in it right before. Go ahead, drink some water there. Oh, you might want to move that tab back a little bit. Got caught on your very normal sized lips. Totally normal. Nothing different about those lips. Oh, my God. Red man, you've outed us.

Okay. So wait, are you saying, because I was trying to figure this out here, you're saying that you did know that there are the chick filet here. Well, I couldn't think of it at the time. I was like, I changed my joke at the last second. Okay. The chick filet joke has been doing well. So I was like, I'll do the chick filet joke, whatever. That's what I was, you know, normally do that joke in a city that does because your setup was they got to have a chick.

They should have a chick filet here. I was trying to make it in the moment. Right. So I was like, oh, hey, it's a gun. Good to be here. You know, because it is good to be here. And take a second from the get used to my fucking cadence because I'm a fucking weirdo. No, you don't need that. Okay. And you said you did the chick filet joke because you were doing good. Is that what you said? No, no, I did the chick filet joke because it was my backup joke. I called a Peyton Manning Audible.

I was like, Omaha, I fucking pulled out. Peyton Manning wins when he got, I did okay. That was a seven. That was a solid seven. It's a fun episode where the people are arguing about how good they did. That's a very rare treat. No, Tony, I did good. These are not the, these are not the Jedi you're looking for. Yeah, here's a big joke book. Yeah, you're regular now. I'm retarded. Great stuff. It's totally working, everybody. Oh, wow. Look at this. It's the, all right. Very good. Sorry, sorry.

All right. So how long are you three, how many minutes, Santa? Oh, too long. 14 years. I started. Oh, yeah. That's right. Whoa. 14 years of. Okie dokie. Where have you been doing 14 years of stand up at? Well, I told the story before, but I started out in Cleveland, Ohio. I started out because I was doing speech therapy. You told me a story here before? I didn't tell this story. This part of the story did not tell.

Okay. I started out doing comedy as speech therapy because I couldn't be in a room full of people. I couldn't talk in front of people. I said, I need to fight this demon. I went to exposure therapy. Stand up comedy. One of the hardest things to do. People don't like talking in front of people. I was funny. I know how to write. But I couldn't talk. So I started doing stand up comedy. So I was medically bad at stand up comedy. And then eventually people noticed my writing as I got better.

I started getting paid. I went to pick with Confrolic and Cleveland, Ohio. I've worked there. I've been on that stage more than any other comedian in history. I've stayed there way too long. Was an open mic. No, no, no, no, I started working there. My first time was an open mic. Hilarities. Yeah. Mikastas. Yeah. And you were on that stage more than what? Any other comedian in history. Who told you that? You know, I know I was there more than any other comedian in history. How?

Because I was there more than any other stand up comedian in history, Tony. I was there way too much. I know what the fries talk. I know everything about that fucking club. I know where the bodies are hid. You know what I mean? Like I know where there was a rack there one time. I know a whole fucking thing. I've been there way too much. I over committed to that club. I loved it. You know, whatever. You ever have a TBI? What's that? What's TBI? Exactly. It's a traumatic brain injury.

Oh, maybe. Actually, maybe. I have to recognize this song. It's the TBI song. That actually may have happened. What does that mean? How does it maybe have? How do you know? When I was a kid, when I was a kid, I bought my head. You've got my TV. Yeah. The best damn band in the land. Like saying their improvisational skills. How did you two just do that at the same time like that? You guys wrote that? Holy shit. My goodness gracious. This place fucking rules, by the way.

We know. We're here every month. Yeah. This is what we do. Got damn right. But welcome. You might be able to check filet next week going, man, I just wish I was in a city where there was a kiltony tape. Mike, before I let you go, anything else crazy about your life that would surprise us. Do you ever do anything nuts? Do you have any special skills or talents other than being the most comedian at hilarious and Cleveland ever?

Which is very highly up for debate, but we're going to let you have it. Check. We're going to let you have it. It existed for decades before you were ever that. Yes, it did. It's a did. Did you ever? But they need a black comedian that can cross over. It's very interesting how politics work in comedy clubs. I'm not here. I'm kidding. Please like me. Oh my God. Please. Okay. Yeah. I didn't get a little joke book. Can I get a little one? Please. You don't get to ask for it, but you know what?

Since you asked, we're going to give you an extra tiny one. There he goes. There it is. Mike Ivey, ladies and gentlemen. He did indeed put it in his mouth. I saw I'm just not going to give him the unbelievable attention that he curves. One more time for Mike, everybody. Oh la la. Heidi's trying to get me liquored up over here. We got another bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Patrick Cassaday. Everybody. Patrick Cassaday. Here we go. Here's Patrick.

Mother's ship. What is up? So happy to be here. Anybody else ever walking on your parents having sex when you're a kid? 17 times. It gets awkward after four or five. That's stupid. They kind of might fault the first time. They asked me what I wanted for my birthday. And I was like, I want to watch. I've never wanted a bike more in my life. Speaking of awkward birthdays, I just turned 50. 19 months ago. Turned 50 is not so bad though. There's this new thing called FFB's.

Have you guys heard of this? 50 year old fuck boys. No, nobody. Fuck. I'm trying to get this going for 19 months. Actually, here's some bad news guys. My dad died recently. I've been having a hard time trying to talk about it with my black friends. Because I don't want to think I'm appropriating their culture. By not having a black father. I'm just kidding. I don't have any black friends. That's my time, guys. Thanks so much. Patrick Cassaday. Welcome to the show, Patrick.

Thank you. Thank you, Tony. How long you been doing stand up? This is my 20th time. Three months, about three months. Three months, 20 times and three months. What made you want to start now? 51? 51 years old. What made you start now? My dad and I. It's okay. Tell the real story. I know. I don't want to cry though. If you cry, it'll make the whole audience fall in love with you. It'll be great. Trust me. Just look out there to the people. Don't just chime towards me.

Lift up your hat a little bit, Patrick. There you go. Now, tell us why you started staying. My dad had a stroke right after the vaccine. Oh. And I've been taking care of him for the last three years. 24-7. And he made me promise we always watch Kill Tony together. It's one of the things that we did every Monday. A lot of stand up comedy. We didn't want to cry. We wanted to laugh. So he made me promise when he passed that I come out here and I do this. And he passed in April.

So I bought a RV and a truck. And I told it out here about two months ago. And I've been signing up ever since. Wow. That's an amazing fucking story. Thank you. Wow. I guess I made unbelievable. You fucking changed your life. Yeah. You fucking do this? Yeah, wow, dude. Yeah, I'm actually, I'm leaving on the 10th to go back to Sacramento and sell my house and then I'm moving back out here. Wow. Wow. Yeah. So, huh. Wow. I have a couple questions here. Crazy.

How soon after he got this totally trust the science. Yeah. Vaccine. One week. One week. He had a massive stress. One week afterwards and coincidentally. Yeah. As safe as it was. Lost his ability to walk. 24-7 wheelchair. I had to feed him. Isn't it funny how we hear stories like that all the time on this show, but you never hear it from the mainstream media at all. But with real human beings, with real lives, we hear it here all the time. Yeah. So interesting. What an anomaly.

Kiltoni draws people that draws a certain type of people that talk about injuries from a vaccine that many companies and government things made mandatory for humans to get. How crazy is that? Yeah, I didn't get it. So, I'm no nanobots. I don't know what's in there, but. Right. He took theators out, and then he jumped in the pool when you told him that he was dead in the first six years in a century, but. That got huge though.

So you didn't get it afterwards they were in a Ventura I have a bunch of steps, but nothing. I have brother in Canada that I go to see. A bunch of steps. That's Red Band's worst nightmare. Uh-huh. So you bought an RV specifically to go to Austin, Texas. Tell us about this RV. Describe to us. What did you get? What did you get? 29. Where'd you come from? Sacramento. Sacramento. So you buy the RV in Sacramento, and you drove it all the way here.

Yeah, I bought a truck in my dad's name and I got a better interest rate. Definitely. Talk about your crimes. Yeah. Yeah. It's fine. I'm giving it back to you as I get back to Sacramento. They understand. That's good. Put it in your dad's name. That's a Stroke of Genius. Yeah. Way better interest rate. Way better interest rate. Stroke of Genius. No, I just got that fuck. Okay. Tell us more about the RV. Does it have any special features or weird things about it? No, it's pretty standard.

I have a dog. I have a dog. So I got an RV and I just come out here and rent a hotel or something. So my dog's chilling back in the RV. I know it's nice. You leave the air conditioning on. 24-7. It seems like a terrible place to leave a dog. It's 71 degrees in that RV right now. Wow. Incredible. It's nice. It's nice. So what was with the fucking... Yeah. You go, I turned 50. Yeah. 19 months ago. Yeah. I was like, some old fucking broad. Like, that's like my aunt's joke about her age.

Are you like, I don't want anyone to know I'm 50? Well, I was telling people I was two and a half score. But I think they got the wrong idea. Yeah, man. Do you care that you're 51? No, no, no. Yeah, you can't find it. I mean, look, you're 28 times in. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, you're going to do... Perfect time to start stand-up, right? Well, no. It's horrible. It's one of the worst decisions a person can make. But... Yeah, absolutely. Oh, yeah. I mean, most likely, we'll go terribly.

But 20 times in means you're like a fetus. Oh, absolutely. Not 100% in hundreds of times. But as somebody who's seeing you on your 20th time, you don't have to be like, I'm not really 51. You know, like... Yeah, it's a stupid joke. I'll kill it. Yeah, kill it tonight. Let it die. Never tell that joke again. The good news is, when you did that joke, your father actually rolled in his grave. So, there was some movement scene. Well, I got it in the trailer, actually, Tony. He's in an earn.

So... Wow. I tell you, we're going to say he's in the 71-degree RV right now. It's incredible. But it's bold that you're doing this. Yeah. That is bold. And you're doing what you want to do. I think it's great. Thank you, Tom. Thank you. That is amazing stuff. You set a goal. You're doing it. So, you're planning on staying in Austin? I'm... I believe on the 10th. But I'm going to just go back, sell my house, and then I'm going to come back here. Really?

Yeah. Wow. What were you doing before my dad? Yeah. I was doing insurance. Good morning, yeah. Yeah, terrible. Horrible life. Terrible. Good money, horrible life. Amazing. Amazing. It's amazing. Insurance. What insurance company? PNC, basically, you know, a home and auto. PNC. Property and casualty. Okay. All right. Well, how about wife, kids, anything? X-wife. She just actually flew out here and visited me for a while. I was out here. Really? So, yeah. She gave you some of that X-pussy?

No, no. We're just friends now. You just what? We're just friends. Really? Yeah. And do anything? I mean, you've done the thousand times. What are you doing? What are you into now? What are you doing now? You invited a girl back to the RV? I did take a girl back to the RV from the comedy club. Wow. Not too long ago. I was like, you're a dog. On the back of my motorcycle? I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Jake came off on the way home on the motorcycle, too. It was pretty embarrassing.

Wait, what did you say? So, she's a bit bigger. A little bit bigger girl, so. Oh, yeah. Yeah. She came off on the way home on the motorcycle. I had to stop with the chain. The chain came off. Oh, what? The fucking suspension. She was off the chain. She was off the chain. Oh, my God. You know, you're not going to be a car driver. You know who you are. Like, you said, a little bit bigger girl. A little bit bigger than me. Okay. Really? Bigger than you. No, I was kidding. I was kidding.

Yeah. Okay. All right, Patrick. Well, you know what? I love the fucking story. The set was very, very, very okay, but not bad for 20 times, but all the amazing stuff that you said, I'm giving you a big joke book made by the great bones on you. Thank you, everybody. It's real Texas leather with a lifetime guarantee. We're going to give it a move in a long. You guys still having fun out there? Let's get a couple more quick sets. Make some noise for this bucket pool.

Scotty Hyme. Scotty Hyme. Scotty. Scotty. How are we doing, Austin? So I'm from the Midwest and senior year at high school at a buddy of mine moved from Compton to Iowa. And you know it's tough in Iowa when Compton is just a little better. He moved back after two years, battling potholes. He decided to go back and fight the bloods. He's a crit from Compton and it was better to fight the bloods and live in Iowa. Yeah. Does anybody here have conservative friends that love Latinos?

It would make you think the border situation is a little less than a crisis. Like the ideal situation would be like Mexican glory hole. Like I'll fuck you but stay on that side of the wall. Thank you guys. Scotty Hyme. There you go. Hi Scotty. How are you? Good. How are you doing, Tony? It's your first time on the show, right? It is. First time in Austin. I love it. Were you visiting from? I love it. From Quad Cities. Yep. And how long have you been in town?

Since Friday. Okay. You've done anything fun? Anything good happened? The most fun thing we've done is go to a gay bar. Okay. What happened at the gay bar? It was a great time. Okay. No Tony jokes. He wasn't there. Promise. I was. But it was all. No. Okay. Go ahead. Why don't you tell us what actually happened at the gay bar? I can't tell you. I don't remember the name of it but. Three stories. It's so much fun that you don't remember anything. I forgot. I'm in. You know, you do all that.

You know, you're in. What did you do? Dance. I hopped in the dance circle. What song did you dance to? Do you remember that? All of them. All of them. Do you want to tell us something else? I got tons of loads of stories to tell you. Nice. Very nice. Loads of stories. Yeah. We heard that. Yeah. We heard that. So you go to a gay bar. Are you dance? How does the night go? You go to a gay bar. Are you dance? How does the night end? In a hotel room with my best buddy, sharing a king size bed.

He organized it. Perfect. Fucking timing. Red band. From the three point range. Yeah. Wow. You can't beat that. That was perfect. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. You can't beat that. That was perfect. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So how many buddies were in this king size bed? Just me and one. Just you and one. You said buddies. Yeah. Okay. Sorry. So it was one? It was just one. Yeah. Okay. I promise I'm sure I promise. You don't have to be. I don't have to be. But I promise I am.

And you and your buddy. Buddy. Yeah. Do you do this frequently? You guys do this a lot? Pillow between the two of us. But you guys go to gay bars a lot for fun? Yeah. I was my first time in a. Yeah. Very impressed. I would argue. I will be returning. Yes. I would argue that putting a pillow in between you and your buddy makes it more gay. Then not having a pillow there at all.

Like you guys need to actually build a fucking little fort blockade to fucking keep your dicks away from each other's asses. That's what it takes. A physical wall. A barrier. We don't. After a night at multiple gay bars, like, man, the temptation is just growing right now. Just one gay bar. Just one. Okay. But it was three stories you said. It was. And we ventured to each story. I bet you did. I bet you did. I bet you did. You look like you were teasing the boys that night.

That's what the smile says. Yeah. No. No tees. You were not teasing? I don't tease. Okay. But you were dancing. Were you dancing with some guys? No. How I was dancing. You were just dancing by yourself. There were groups. And I got introduced to the circle. You guys were doing the electric slide there. Yes. Was it like that? It was a lot of friction. Okay. And the electric slide. Why don't we see. Why don't you guys give me a little gay music here? And let's see what. Oh, the. Oh, the.

Look at the horn. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's a. We win. No, don't sing. Dance. Don't sing. They got the music. We conquer. No. Stop singing. Listen. No, keep playing. Keep playing. Don't sing. Just dance. No dance. Here he is. Gay dancing. Ladies and gentlemen. Scotty Hyde. Okay. Oh, wow. All right. Scotty, that's enough. That's enough. Wow. Master improviser Scotty Hyde there with some gay mimeing. Yo, gay mime routine. So, what do you do for work, Scotty? I work for Coca-Cola. Oh, well, not anymore.

Unbelievable. We're inclusive. What do you do at Coca-Cola? I'm in sales. So. Amazing. The band is dying of laughter, right? Now, I'm not sure what's going on back there. They must know something. I think something fell out of your butt when you were dancing. So, you're working at Coca-Cola, living in Iowa. Why do you stay in Iowa? What's the point of doing such a thing? You went to the university there? Born raised. And you stay there? What do you do just like milk and cornflakes?

What's going on? Cornflakes and milk can't beat that combination, first of all. Second of all. Tap, I got it. I hate it. Very special TBI episode of Killtonis. This is absolutely incredible. You fell off a trampoline when you were a kid. Bumped your head. Am I correct? No. But you have hit your head very hard before. Yes. Yes. What was that, a car accident? No. A four-wheeling accident. Farming equipment? Farming equipment. It was farming equipment. No, you're just lying to us. A baseball bat.

Okay, what happened with the bat? What happened with the baseball bat? I love it. What happened with the baseball bat? Not too many head injuries, to be honest. You know in baseball how you do the cool baseball bat moves? I tried that one time and I literally struck the back of my head with my own bat. Wow. That's like one of the dumbest ways you can do that. Yeah, it's unbelievable. I have dumber. Have you ever thought about surrounding yourself at all times with pillows?

That's why me and my buddy put one between us. Yes. How are you? I'm 24. How long you been doing? This is my 20th time. Wait, that's a second 20th time that is unbelievable. I did hear that, yes. What are the absolute odds of that? Incredible. Did your father have a stroke after the vaccine? No. He just struck my mother. Wow, there you go. Your first joke. You know what? You know what I'm going to do?

Just because of that, I'm going to put down the little jokebook and I'm going to pick up a big one. There you go. You got one joke. Thank you. There you go. There you go. He's slid in the home plate. Just stroked my mother. Scotty Hein. All right. Let's go with one last bucket pool here. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Pat Batista, everybody. Pat Batista. Make some noise for him. These people waited all day, everybody. I just moved here three weeks ago and I like it. It's great.

Your your moths, they're the moths, they're big and they're intimidating. And I think if they were, if they could, if they could speak like English, they'd say bro a lot. And I don't, I don't, I don't get along with the moths here. They're way too big and they're just too much. Okay. So. Look, I came at the, the, the cleanse my, the LA out of me. I grew up in LA and like it's going to be a rough road. When I was third grade, my teacher used to force us to watch his acting grill.

And he did, he did not have any lines. He just, uh, he had like a thick mustache in hair plugs and we just kind of look where you go and you, okay. Ladies and gentlemen. Pat Batista here with the Austin Moth Report. Pretty sure what you're seeing are bats. Pretty sure those are bats. What's up with that way? I saw big moths. You saw big moths. Perhaps a butterfly. It was a moth. How do you know it's a moth talking to the tip of that microphone?

Okay. It could have been like a baby owl, but it was big. It looked moth like, you know, it was the same color. There's huge moths out there for sure. There's some big moths. Yeah. I see them all. Like one, like this big, look like a little hummingbird almost. Where do you see these moths out? Up north, yeah. Up north. It's crazy. On the outside of your window. Come on the patio and they just sit there and it's scary. They're huge. Wow. They have, they got big eye met, a big guy energy too.

They just don't move. Are you getting bullied by moths? This fucking guy, it's unbelievable these fucking people. What do the moths ever do to you? What do they do? I don't know. They're just, I don't like their attitude. They don't move. They're just like, they're there and they don't even like get scared. They're just like, yeah, I'm here. I don't like moths. I kicked them ass, but it looked like a blood, like a murder scene. You've killed one before. No, I was, I don't know. They're big.

You know killing a moth is bad luck. Or is it? Yeah, it's 10 years bad luck, especially if you're Filipino. What ethnicity are you? Filipino. Yeah. That's terrible. I cannot believe that you're Filipino. That is shocking to me, even though you're built like Manny Pacquiao's left leg. This is amazing. How long have you been trying to stand up comedy, Pat? It's about 10, it's about 10 years. Whoa, whoa, no way. Ten years. Are you kidding? Yes. Okay, how long have you been doing stand up?

Let's just answer honestly from me. It's been about 10 years. Are you really, are you really, are you really, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you? Start talking like a fucking moth dude. You're a man, I know I'm really big. Don't kill me. Pat, Pat, what's he used to please? Show me some mercy. Alright, 10 years. Where have you been doing it for 10 years? In LA. Oh. Yeah, it's, that's a lot of stuff. Where in LA? The comedy store open mics? Where out?

I mean, for all we know, you could be a main room regular at the comedy store right now. Are you on the market the way things are going? Okay, that's only funny to us. Alright. Kill Tony. Yeah. That's how I did Kill Tony and... You did Kill Tony? Three times in a row. And then the fourth time I was two, well, no, that was the third time I was, I was two messed up to get up. You were two messed up to get up. What happened there? A comedy store weed that it surprised me.

And then I went into the parking lot and I just stayed in my car because I didn't, I thought the windows were, I don't know. I just couldn't... And I was really stoned. I was something surprised me. Did you smoke weed before this set? Huh? You just smoked the weed before this set? No. You saw like the pulleys. Yeah, well, I just wanted to, you know, the answer. Yes, I did. Okay, alright, cool. But I couldn't handle the ones that I...

No, no, because it's... I actually think it's obvious you've been on stage like, you're very comfortable on stage. But then when you were just like, I'm gonna talk about moths. I was like, okay. I didn't know how it works. I didn't know if I'd get out and just go to my jokes, so I just went with whatever was my hand. You said that you've done this show three times before in Los Angeles. That was... The format has never changed, not for a single episode.

So when you say you didn't know, what do you mean? It's been a while, so I don't really... You watched the show? I didn't remember it. Oh, yeah! When I was out there. And you heard other people before you, right? You were back there. But you didn't know. I got a little ADD, and so I don't... Certain things don't soak in the brain, my brain. Do you only do stand-up high? Be honest. No, I just start... Well, I mean, yeah. Like, you know... LAUGHTER What? I'm trying to stop.

That's the reason why I'm like, you're trying to stop a what? Comedy? No, weed. We doing comedy. We doing comedy. We doing comedy. I believe Cam has said that earlier. Too much weed doing comedy. We'd be doing comedy. LAUGHTER So... Pat! I mean, so many questions. The longer this interview goes, the more questions I have. Why is it so hard for you to wait until after your set to Smoke Marijuana? Why not do your work and then reward yourself? It is stressful. Oh, dear.

But I'm gonna change because I'm... that's the plan. Definitely. No, I am. That was the plan. That was just the week. You got to channel some of that... ...nervousness and anxiety into the performance and don't numb it with anything else. Exactly. You just do the set and deal with the nerves and the anxiety and all the stress. And then when you get off stage, do it. You'll probably find it like hits way different. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's no question about that. Yeah. Taking it head on.

Because you would have a clear head about like the set you were gonna plan out for this. And you stay focused on it and you come out, do your set, and you'd be tight. Because it's obvious. I can tell that you've been on stage a lot. I can tell like the other fucking lunatics that were out here. I can tell... I can tell they came from the bus stop. And I can tell that you've been on stage a lot. But that's the problem.

Like, you know, a lot of the guys we start with, like, if they would always do like, do shots or drink. And if it becomes like a crutch for it to deal with it, and it eventually becomes too much, you know what I mean? It overwhelms the performance. So you're just... I mean, you're a savvy guy. You're funny. You naturally care as a matter. You're very funny. So just... Yeah, just smoke weed when you're done, dude. Yeah. When do you start smoking weed? No doubt about that.

You must listen to what Tom just said. You've been doing it 10 years. And I literally thought when you said, I've been doing it 10... I thought you were gonna say times. Because the last two guys have done it 20 times, and you're worse than them. Hey, sorry. I know moths be scary and all that. I mean, you just didn't have me. Really? But the weed is why you're like, I'm like, fucking these moths are crazy. Yeah, exactly. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. And then you even get to your set.

Because like your set was starting to go. Yeah. When do you start smoking? Do you... First of all, can I take a guess here? I'm a long-time stoner. But I wait. I tend to wait at least until after I'm done with work. Can I take a wild guess here and say that you smoke out of a water bomb? Am I correct? No, that's what got me addicted with the water bomb. Right. During the lockdown. That's what got me addicted. Okay, what did you smoke today, for example? Got it. What did you smoke today?

A joint to blunt? Yeah, I was trying to put the joint. It's a very easy question. Okay, a joint. So I was like thinking about strands and spederal. It's okay. Where were you when you smoked this joint? Stick with me here, Pat. Very easy questions. Literally couldn't be an easier question. Where did you smoke the weed today? Were you in a car? Were you out back? How's that back? Here, you were just out back here. Did they already tell you that you were going up and then you smoked?

No, I was before. I've been waiting out there for a while. I didn't think I was going to get it. Yeah, I know. I know. Yeah, sign up, started four hours ago. Yeah, I know. That's when you started smoking? Yes. And when's the last time that you smoked weed? If you had a guess about an hour ago, two hours ago, or then four hours ago, when you got here. Probably like an hour ago. Yeah, you smoked a couple times. Yeah. Just in case.

Yeah, it was just not, I didn't not, I didn't think I was going to get picked. I did not think. I was going to get picked. I hear a little bit of that Filipino. What do your parents do? What nail salon do they work up? What? Am I correct? I don't know. Okay, what do your parents do for a living? My parents, my mom's dead. Oh, damn. That's her job. Wow, that is a full-time job. That's funny. That's what, that's very funny. Tom is spot on. You're a funny guy.

You just need to not eat the other reason. The other reason that you got to do it after is that if you start to rely on it, the shows get bigger and bigger. The pressure gets higher and higher. If you're doing a huge theater in arena, you don't want to have to be like, I got to get it. I'm used to smoke before that. It's going to overwhelm you. You got to perform. I know some people do. Performance over. Performance over. Get high in the morning if you want to. Get high when you get off stage.

Yeah. Well, there you go. That's why I've been telling Red Band to not drink before the show for 11 and a half years, everybody. Swares he needs it. Can't go with that. He told you mom. Yeah. Mom's dead. What about you? She died from nail polish poison. There was no nail polish. How did mom die? That's Vietnamese, I think. Wait, what'd you say? Vietnamese? Doing nails. What'd you say? I don't know, it's like more of it. Chinese. That's right. Your mom was a nurse. Right?

No, my mom was like a white American mixed. Okay. She was a secretary. Oh, that makes sense. A white woman job. And the white woman job. And the... And your dad? What was your dad? My dad works for LAX. LAX? Okay, at the airport. Okay. What does a Filipino man do at LAX? Oh, traffic. No. He does the baggage, yes. There's a fucking Filipino guy in charge of directing the traffic. Yeah, it'll... No wonder I'm stuck on the jet wait for an hour and a half every time. Oh, wait, go that way.

No, this way. This way. No, that way. Shit, I fuck up. Oh, my god, did that a mop? Oh, no, an airplane. I'm sorry, airplane. I thought you were a big quaily maw. If your mom is white, your dad has to be 180% Filipino, by the way. How you ended up looking like this? Yeah, it's my dad. Yeah, my dad. Oh, god. I kept you up here. Wait, how long are you in town for? Oh, no, I'm staying here. I lay here now. You know, I'd love to give you five minutes on the secret show. Are you fucking serious?

You're giving him five minutes in the 22-year-old guy that kills every time. I love the mop material. There you go. I'll show you the check his eyes first before he goes out of the face, okay? Before I let you go. Ten years of stand-up. Yeah. You gotta have something better than all that moth stuff. How many do you think we should hear his best joke that he's ever written in his entire life? Ladies and gentlemen. All right, Red Band. Very smart. I love what he's pitching to me.

Red Band says, if this joke sucks, you don't get to do the secret show. Oh, man. Oh, man. But how about this? If it goes good, you get six minutes of the secret show. In an extra 60 seconds, ladies and gentlemen, ten years in the game, here he is with his best joke ever. It could be a short or is whatever as you want. He's really a cattelli still trying to think of what his best joke he's ever written is. Ladies and gentlemen, Stoner, the son of a traffic director, and a dead white woman.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the best joke in ten years of Pat Batista. That one was my top one, OK? I'm going to need some money. If you go to OnlyPhilipinoMonkeyFeed.com. I got really long toes. I got some bangers. I got the one where I got holding a banana with my big toe. And then me climb in a tree. And then since it was tax season when I wrote this joke, you know, those cute little calculators, 9.9 cents a door. I got that on the big toe, and then my W2s on the next.

And then the rest receipts. With the caption, I came prepared. So if you got that monkey feet money, I got you. I'm pretty sure this guy's doing six minutes on Thursday. Good enough, the crowd laughed. You should have ended it a minute sooner. The theory goes, what do you? All right, Jesus Christ almighty. It's got a little monkey hands too. Pat Batista. All right. That was fun, huh? I think there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, this is a long awaited return.

This guy was out of commission last week. I'm sure he's back just a bundle of energy. He is a Killtoni Hall of Famer. He is the record holder for all time, appearances, and interviews, and the history of the show. Fresh off of more sold out shows. The man is an absolute machine. In fact, he is a big red machine indeed. I present to you the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Tijuana tornado, the Vienna Vaginal Four Text. This is Lights Out, William Montgomery.

Tony, just for the record, I'm high as fuck right now, man. Holy shit. Congratulations to Lizzo. She is now focusing on her health and has lost half of her body weight. Lizzo, I'm sure it feels so much better to be walking around at 450 pounds. You big ass bitch. It stands you bitch. Somebody told me that Hall and Oats broke up. I didn't even realize they were dating. I thought you would like that, maybe, Tom.

Hey, Tony, what do you commit when you quit smoking cigarettes and start using pouches? Zinfidelity. Look, I'm not saying red band has monkey pox, but why is his fiance now calling him honky-con? Okay, that's my time. Hell yes. 55 seconds of thunder and lightning. Only he can do it quite like that. Calling Lizzo a straight up bitch. Yeah, she is nasty, but she is losing weight, so I'm really happy for her. It's gonna add the years to her life.

Wow. Because the past she was on, I mean, that fucking nasty fat bitch. She was probably dying, and I don't know, three fucking years or something, but this will probably at least extend her life. I don't know, 1520s. Oh, be good. I'm just gonna be a little bit more powerful right now, so. Tom, it's so nice to see you. It's great to see you, buddy. Tom actually took me out.

It's the one time I had asked for so many years if I could open up for people, and Tom, you were the first kind soul to say yes to me, so I still thank you so much. Absolutely, and it happened at a Killtony show. It happened, yes. The only time on Killtony it worked. Yeah, we had fun, man. That was a good time. Yeah, you used to hang out with that Filipino dude all the time at the comedy store. You used to do cocaine and drink together. Really? That's not a lie, yes. Is that true?

Yes, I used to get fucked up with that. I forgot his name. I don't even know his name. But yeah, you used to get fucked up all the time at the comedy store. Really you. Yes. I was a mess. I loved it. I love Filipino people. Yeah. Yeah. You really did cocaine with him? I think we did. Yeah, there were a number of people, Tony. I would end up being up all night on Monday nights and just going to do blow at different people.

So, you know, there were a lot of different people's apartment and they're probably lucky. I didn't kill them or I was lucky. I didn't get killed. I don't know. A lot of people could have been killed in that scenario, but nobody was. You were a wild boy back in the day. I don't think people remember. And, you know, we've grown a lot the last couple of few years. I don't even think these new fans know what you used to be like.

Yeah, I don't think they realized for just a little, a little insider baseball. Every Killtony you've ever seen me at at the comedy store. I was high on cocaine and my vodka sprite. Every single Killtony appearance at the comedy store. You like it? I guess scratch all the advice that I gave. Yeah. It's worked out great, man. Yeah, except this guy hasn't really laughed at anything. I don't know what his fucking issue is. He looks like a fucking little twink over there.

He got the little twink table over there. Other than that, and that little fucking pussy right over there. Did you think I didn't see you? You fucking idiot. Did you think I didn't see you? Tom is, I look up to Tom, so don't fuck with me when he's up on the stage dumbass. You must be one of the idiots talking shit or something. I can tell just by looking at you're not. Wow. This guy's been laughing the whole time, William. Oh, has he? Yeah, he's crazy that you would attack him. I'm kidding.

I apologize. Seriously, I'm sorry. That guy right there with the long-haired glasses has him in laughing at all, though. Oh, there he goes. He started smiling. Yeah, he looks pretty strange down there. Have you not been having fun, sir? Huh? What? Yeah, I could hear you dumbass. I was just trying to... If I get to actually get you to keep on repeating yourself like an idiot. But yeah, Tony, it is so nice to be back. Yeah, I'm sorry. I missed out. I wasn't feeling it.

My voice even right now is totally wrecked. So we'll see. I'm in Mall of America this week in Tony. So really looking forward to Mall of America. What are your plans at the Mall of America? Probably get on my roller blades and skate through that motherfucker like Mighty Docs. I think I'm going to go through it like the Mighty Docs. That's my goal. That's where they were set out of? I think. Is that true? Were they in Minneapolis? Yeah, I think. Right, Rebyn?

Yeah. Yeah. Redban, our senior Mighty Doc correspondent. Wow. So the Mall of America. I've never been to the Mall of America. I've heard about it a lot. Have you been there? Oh, yeah. I've done a couple of weekends there at the House of Comedy. You did? Yeah, there's roller coasters in the middle of it and stuff. It's fucking. People showed up. Yeah. Wow. Wow. When was this? When were you headlining the Mall of America? Like five years ago? Wow. Oh, shit. Oh, that's a... No. I love it. Amazing.

So what else is going on, William? Tell us more. Oh, man. I'm just... Tony, I don't know. I think I'm very soon. I got to... I got to chill for a little bit. I feel like... I'm... The comedy's going wonderful. I'm feeling very strong about the comedy. Strong as ever. But I got to take a little break here soon. I have to take some sort of a break, Tony. I'm getting burnt out a little bit. Is that funny? What's going to funny about that? You can only imagine what I'm going through right now.

You dumb mother fucker. You can only imagine what's funny about that. Seriously. What was funny about that? Just the idea of me struggling or something. And you need to take a little break. Is that what was funny about that? Huh? Is that what was funny? Me kind of struggling a little bit in my life. Yeah? Oh, my God. Thanks, sir. Thanks, you fucking idiot. Look at you. You look quite... God. William, have you been on the road a lot? Is that what? I have. Almost every weekend.

It's been wonderful. Oh, see you been gigging a ton. I have been a lot. Okay. So you're kind of getting burnt out from the road? Yeah, no. It's normal. Wonderful, but I just have to take a little break. Yeah, that's normal. You should. Yes, sir. Good, man. But it's been a lot of fun. And please give you a birthday. Get a cameo, please. But those takes are taking... They've continued to take over my life. I've now done over 70 to 100 of the mother fucker.

He's literally on the bigest money makers on all of cameo. How much is a cameo? I end up seeing around, I don't know, 100 bucks. They're 100 bucks a piece? Uh-huh. So do the math on that, you little pussy. You think that's funny? Yeah. How much is each cameo? I think it's 155. I was just getting so many. I've continued to have to do the price up. I was getting 100. I was having 100 to 150 at a time. And that's daunting. That's when I start feeling like I'm going crazy.

According to RedBenz calculations, you've made $1.1 million. No, cameo takes way more than you do. No, it's no more near that. That's not always been the price. But that's just what it is right this second. Holy shit. So you don't really need to do any calculations, RedBenz. I think it'll be hard for you to figure out what I had to actually make. Oh, 69. Wow. Great band.

Now, William, one of the things that I find so interesting about you in real life, and this isn't brought up on the show very often, but you're a very thrifty guy. I find you to be kind of like a, you know, I wouldn't say smart with your money. It's kind of interesting because you do make vast sums of money. You do not spend it much at all. You could tell by the pretty true. Pretty true. It's just been losing mass sums of money on the stock market. No, I'm kidding. The stock market's been good.

I've got to give a shout out to my chief there. He's my financial analyst. I'm not even kidding. Thank you, Chief. No, but you have just been doing that. But now, what do you spend your money on? What are some ways that you're not frugal? I get the real versions of Oreos. I don't get the knockoff versions of Oreos. I get the real fucking versions of the cereal. I don't get the bags of the cereal that the poor people get on the bottom. I don't get that. I get the actual things of cereal.

That's kind of it. I don't know. Got a TV because I don't know eight months ago. Nice one. Yeah, pretty nice. Like a 45 inch. Ooh, the battery. Yeah, that's ball and dude. But yeah, I don't know, Tony. I'm working on it all. Okay. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. Okay. Well, I love it. And you fly. Do you fly first class? No. Do you have a preference in where you sit on a flight?

I like to sit at the very back of the plane because I want to watch everybody screaming and crying as the plane is getting crushed up forward. So if I'm at the very back, I'm going to have at least a second of just getting the absolute carnage unfolding in front of my fucking face. So I sit at the back. William, you have absolutely done it again. The only way to end a show like this is with you. Is there anything you want to do to take us out, William? Just tap on this week.

You think you'll always be in the back of the plane? Shit, I think I probably... They're not going to stop me and I'm the back of the plane! Will you fund Gumrey, ladies and gentlemen, the join from Ryan J. E. Meldesin. We did it again. How about a hand for Tom Sigerra, ladies and gentlemen? Thank you. Get your damn tickets to the Moody Center, February 22nd, 25. And the ballerina number, September 14. And everything else awesome fun, Tom Sigerra, the specials, the podcasts, everything.

How about one more time for the best damn band in Atlanta? Matt Muleing on the electric guitar, John Nees on the keys. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Carlos Sosa. Fernando Castillo. And Raul Valero, the drawing from Chris Rogers. Camp Patterson tonight. I love it. Thank you guys so much, Red Van, you want to say something? Thank you! Thank you again to Tom Sigerra, the fucking man. Thank you, I've audience, good night, everybody.

Thank you. The Songset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Van's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.