#679 - MATT RIFE

Hey, this is Redban and you're listening to the DEATHSQUAD Podcast Network. This episode of KILL TONY and every episode of KILL TONY can be found at DEATHSQUAD.TV and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out TonyHinchcliff's website, go to TonyHinchcliff.com. Everything golden pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliff.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some DEATHSQUAD merch, go to DEATHSQUAD.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of KILL TONY.

Hey, this is Redban and coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of KILL TONY. Get up for TonyHinchcliff! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah! Fuck yeah! Welcome everybody. How we fucking feel in a night, huh? This is KILL TONY, brought to you by Squarespace, strafking, zipper-cooter, Shopify, and HIMS. Make some noise for Redban, everybody.

And I'll have one more time for the best standband in the land. Carlos, Sosa, Ro, Vallejo, Fernando, Castillo, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muleing, John Dees, and D Madness on the bass guitar. We are here. It is all happening. Amazing show for you. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Redban's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.

You guys ready to start tonight's show? Ladies and gentlemen, it's a one-guest night tonight. This is a comedian who I've wanted on the show for a ridiculously long time. I remember meeting him about 13 years ago when he was a young buck opening up for the great late-great, one of my old best friends, Ralphie Mae.

And now I can say, in all honesty, truly, one of the biggest stand-up comedians in the fucking world has a brand new world tour, his second global tour coming out, and the newest special on Netflix. I present to you, you were here for the Killtony debut of Matt Wright. Boo! Yes! The man, the myth, the young legend, Matt Wright has joined the fold here, live on Killtony. We are going to have some fucking fun tonight. Me? Is this one? Is this one anyone you want?

There we go, thick and hot. That's awesome. Yeah, that was awesome, buddy. That was cool. Good to see you guys, dude. This is awesome, Matt. Thanks for having me. We're going to have a blast. I've wanted to do this forever. Lucid is out now on Netflix, the new world tour going out for sale right now, MattRifeofficial.com. You're doing it, buddy. You're living the goddamn American dream. Finally, dude. Yeah, this is how it's 16. That's so creepy.

Unfucking believable. It is. He's also my mom's favorite comedian. My mom, she's got 77. She's got 77. 77. Oh, you son of a bitch. You ate a 77-year-old pussy out. She's 77. 77, dude. Damn, okay. But you met her when she was 65. Prime 65. Yeah, exactly. She was like smoking cougar. She was so sweet. She's still in Youngstown? Yeah. Yeah, you don't only leave. No. Now, if you stay in Youngstown this long, you're stuck there. I'm going to go back bury her soon. It's going to be great.

Oh, that's depressing. Yeah. No, it'll be great. Yeah, it'll be great. You're going to fuck her to death. It's going to be great. She literally has a cocktail napkin that you signed after that show. She got it framed. I remember the phone call. She was the only show she ever went to because I was so close with her Alfie Mae. Fucking she goes. Because all she knew was the comedy store at the time. I mean, no one's going to show in Youngstown.

But she saw you open for Alfie at that show. She was a guest of Alfie Mae. And you blew her fucking mind away. She's been on the show. She's been on panel. She's done a set on the show. Oh, yeah. She's a legend. Perhaps even a future Killtony Hall of Famer. Who knows? There we go. And she framed that fucking cocktail napkin and told me that day, that next day. I remember she goes, I'll tell you, the kid that opened for him is a fucking star. He's going to be a star, Tony. I go, who are you?

Who in the world are you fucking talking about? What do you possibly know? And she has that cocktail napkin still framed on a dresser with all this fucking shit. That's so cute. Which goes to show. Hingecliffs are geniuses. Matt Wright, first time on the show. Let me explain to you. There's over 300 people that signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. 300 fucking pieces of paper in this mammajama. They're all piled in across the street at a bar called Port Choices.

If I pull one of the names out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up in here. The sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which interrupts them. I conduct an interview. We meet them all together. And the whole thing zimp revised anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight show? Let's start it with one of our esteemed regular ladies and gentlemen.

This guy an absolute legend of Kill Tony. We met him when he was sleeping in his van. Doing open mics all around the world. He couldn't stop doing open mics up to four, five, six, and nine. Now he's one of the highest ticket selling comedians in America. This is a brand new minute. Sing it if you know the words. This is hot. This is hot. Hey. What's up? I can't believe there's a woman running for president right now. What is this a fucking circus?

They just got the right to vote. Now they want to run the whole thing. Not on my watch. Kamala more like Kableh Blah. What is this bitch shrieking about? But yeah, I don't think anyone wants to hear women talk. I think we just want to know seriously. I think we just want to hear the air moving around their tits. God, I fucking hate women. What? They're racist to Asian guys. Women want a strong confident American man that's going to attack Iraq twice for no reason.

They don't want to cut in careful Asian boy that's going to pick the right harbor. Thank you. Wow. Hans Kim with a very punchy set. Wow. What a way to get the show started. Hans Kim. Thank you, Tony. Wow. Amazing. A very woman hating set. Are you trying to win over all the in cells in your Instagram comments right now? In cells. All right. We're a shy bunch. Do you have a girlfriend? Yes. You do. Yeah. She's in Europe right now for three weeks going to bars and drinking. Where in Europe?

She was in Budapest. She was in Amsterdam. She was in Abitha. Oh, people cheating a bit. Yeah, probably someone very beautiful. Someone with beautiful eyes like you. Stop it. I'll kiss you on your mouth, dog. Shut up. Yeah. She's not here. Who's going to tell her? Shut up. Hans, weeks without a girlfriend and here you are flirting with Matt Rive. Wait, how long has she gone for three weeks? Three weeks. She's going to get back and you're going to have fucking Lego hands too. That's a long time.

I'm going to be single. You're being in a relationship for a guy. Thank you, Matt. Matt thinks this is how big my cock is. That's the whole thing. No, it's the actual size of a Lego man's hands. It's that big. It's what he's saying. What have you been doing to please yourself during this time? We know you are a sex addicted masterbating machine. What's been going on with your Hans? What have you been keeping your Hans dear? My Hans has been on my Hans. The fuck does that mean?

My Hans has been on my Shvan's. Just workshopping. But have you been watching porn or something? A lot of porn. What kind of porn have you been in anything wildly? What's new for Hans? I love Japanese massage porn. Whoa. They trick a bitch. How does that work exactly? What is Japanese massage porn? Usually the husband is within earshot. Like physically? Yeah. In earshot? Yeah. And then they just start touching her. And then it just goes crazy. So he just watches this go down?

It's sometimes, yeah. It's like a photo shoot. Like this is a fashion shoot. And then they like, he's fucking another dude. So he cucks it the entire time? Yeah. I've never understood the cucks situation. Me, me. Yeah. Get out of there. Yeah, she's not into you, dude. Right. She's not the one. What is it for you, Hans? The turns you on haven't watching a man. I just watching a girl having sex with another man.

I just love seeing like a normal person then have sex because I don't know how to do that. So I just want to learn how to get from normal to sex. From normal to sex. Sorry, guys. That's a real live apology from Hans Kim. You don't get that very often. The Asian massage porn. Do they do the full massage? You have to watch an hour. I fast forward. And I've got, all right. He's a good man. They're usually quick to the point. I don't come mad if they ruin my massage. It's also pixelated though.

You can't even see anything in Japanese. Is that true? You watch him pixelated Japanese porn? Yeah. Now, what is it about that? Why are you watching the Japanese version of this when you could possibly be watching just American cuck porn? Because Japanese are seducing and tricking and all that. And Americans are just doing it. It's just like, it's kind of boring. I like the process. Everyone hates me. Absolutely incredible, Hans. Amazing stuff. He's got a sad side now. It's fun. He's that guy.

He is that guy. He's going to hang himself with a green belt. Karate. That's Karate belt. That is a karate joke. No doubt about it. Woman president, this is all true. Have you heard this week that she's drunk all the time? This is a new thing that I've... It's been, I don't know, just coming up on my Twitter feed. Yeah. It's like a wine mom drunk. Yeah. For the soccer mom. Yeah. And it kind of makes sense. It seems like that could possibly be true. It explains a lot. Have you heard this theory?

No. This is the first time, I think. Yeah, there's leaks coming out of her camp that she's drunk all the time, which would now win from now on when you see her and all the videos of her speaking makes perfect sense. Breaking news. The person who's in the second place on all the polls to be president seems to be drunk all the time. But, you know, I mean, it's up for us to decide when you hit the polls in November who you want. You know what I mean? No big deal. It's all your choice.

Hans, are you gonna vote? Can you vote? Yeah, I can vote. Not near a school, but I can vote. Oh. Hansi, you're a great, great person to get the show started. You did it again with a punchy new minute. There you go. There you go. It's the great Hans Kim. And now to the bucket we go. As you know, this is where shit gets crazy. This is where we discover new comedians. It's where we find crazy people. Anything can happen. These people wait all day for this. Their odds are literally one in 300.

And here we go. It begins with the comedy stylings of Ben Williams. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Ben Williams. Here he is. I hope y'all doing good, man. Because I'm not. Because of my backstage, he called me Wilbur and the Great. Okay, these nuts, guy. Ha, God, you know. And that made it worse because yesterday, this dude, he got mad. I didn't give him a dollar. So he called me a great value day. He should pay. I was like, I'm propping. I'm about. And that's crazy.

Because day should pay or her day. He'll probably be like, that's not like something I would say. But that's awesome for you, man. Like they say keep awesome and weird. I say keep it the fuck away from me. This dude, he asked me can he borrow my lighter. So I give him the lighter. This motherfucker start burning himself with it. I get further down the street. This dude, he got his shirt off. He got garbage bags around his hand. He beating the fuck out this tree.

And I just want to know like what was the root of the problem. I'm pretty sure everybody heard the news about Donald Trump getting shot. And it wasn't news to me because in my neighborhood, everybody gets shot. My dad got shot and nobody cared. Not even me. And I'm the one who shot him. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Somebody. There you go. Minute 15 from Ben Williams. You've been on this show before Ben. Yes sir. It's my fourth time. Fourth time. That's right.

I couldn't possibly forget a smile like that. They have those teeth are really something else. That's a bad ass vest you got on too, man. Oh, thank you. We're complimenting each other. This is great. We're going for that. Tid for tat on compliment. You want to wear a vest. Yeah. For when you drown in that pussy. That's right. And so that you don't shoot me. Yeah, it's bulletproof. And a flotation device. I love how you laugh like you're crying. Is anyone told you that?

That you look like you're crying when you laugh? No, you're the first. Well, there you go. The first. Absolutely. It's all happening here tonight. Ben, I noticed you kept glancing at me to see if I was laughing throughout your set. And between each joke, you glanced at me. Tell me why you did that. No, I wasn't glancing at you. You must have been looking at me. I was. I was looking at you. You are correct. You like what you see. Not really hosting the show.

And you realize there's video cameras everywhere that will have you glancing at me in between the jokes. I'm not wrong. Now I was looking at that dude. Man, look at me. No, nope. But literally, we made eye contact every time. I even saw you out of my peripheral when I was taking a note glance in between jokes when you weren't glancing at me. It's all on record. I was looking at that, man, dude. I was looking at you. Again, I know how you used to be.

I was looking at this sexy motherfucker right here. I know what I'm seeing. You weren't looking at Matt. You were looking at me. So now... No, no, no, no, no. Take off the glasses. Tell us, he's jealous, guys. He's jealous. It's enough for me to go around. It's okay, guys. It's all right. That's true. Yeah, there's enough teeth for everyone. It is very amazing. Have you ever been to a dentist, Ben? Yes, I've been to a dentist. What do they say when they see those things? What do they say?

It's that I have a great smile. They have to say that. Before or after 9-11. And that's right there. Oh, man, everybody. Red hair. Red hair. It's here today for a little comic relief. Oh, yeah. Would you like to explain that? Or are you just going to let that one... Oh, you don't want more? Give it one more. Give it one more. The dentist. Was it before or after 9-11? That long ago. You've never... Oh, the dentist. There you go. The trip to... There you go. 2001. Not it. There it is. There it is.

Even Ben looks confused over there. Look at him. He's like, what the fuck? None of them. You got that Joe Biden over there. I don't know what's going on red, man. Today's Thursday. Yeah. It's not a Thursday. Oh, my goodness. I love it. How long have you been on stand-up? Um, it's been a year and three months now. Okay. Yes. Yeah. Good shit. Yeah, what do you mean? The first time I did this is four months. I was... First time I got on. I had been doing this four months. So, uh, big chunk of that.

Been there. Austin, Texas. Shout out to you weird motherfuckers. Where are you from originally? I'm from Galveston. Galveston, Texas. It's like outside on Houston. Yeah, like still Texas. Yeah. Three hours away. Right. But we're all from... Don't nobody go nowhere. Well, mom was like, you're on your own. It's three hours away. She had never come here to see me. I'm sorry. What do you have to do for work? For work, I do day labor. What do you have to do? Um, doing day labor. Like that.

How you pick a little trash sometimes, like off the highway. That how you doing. Sorry, construction jobs. Is this community service? No, it's not community service. It's work for hire. It's work for hire, you know. You do like stand outside the home depot or something? Yeah, I work with a lot of Hispanics. People shout out to my Hispanic probably. So you do stand outside? Yeah. Okay, that's the way to get the crowd on your side.

Anyway. When shouting out Austin doesn't work, just go right for the Hispanic. 100% of the time, there are a lot of them and they continue to reproduce. Absolutely nonstop. It is a real problem. Do the right thing in November when you hit the polls? Um, uh, so Ben, um, do you literally stand outside of a home depot like with those people kind of, right? Sometimes? No, I don't. I don't stand outside. So how do you get, how do you get work? Is it day labor? I'm just curious.

Okay. Um, they have a lot of places you can go, um, to do day labor and stuff. Um, to go places. Like, uh, like what kind of place? Like in such as. Oh, yeah. Damn, this is one of the things I'm gonna get all stays like, they hit you in the fucking head. But like, um, what? No one's gonna hit you. I promise no one's gonna hit you. No one's gonna hit you. Like, people are ready. I can't think of the name of the place what I'm saying. It's like the marketplace. It's like, I know the building.

You know how you get here? They're like, you looking for jobs. They're like, they do day labor here. Man, it's like pulling teeth up here. I gotta tell you, it is unbelievable. It's incredible. What do you do for fun, Ben? Oh, I do for fun. Like, I like to do music. Um, I love music. What do you mean by music? What do you mean by music? You say you like to do music. What does that mean? Exactly. Right music, a rap. You rap? Yeah. All right.

How many of you wanna hear Ben give us a little rap right now? Yeah. He could not even remember where he works a minute ago and now he's going to freestyle rap for us. Put that job. This should be interesting. Hey. Hey. Put that job on my own boss. Never take a loss. God, big teeth. But yeah, I floss. Bad hose. And I keep it real. I might pull my dick out and put it on her grill. What's my name? They call me Ben Will. And you know every day that I'm in the kill.

This is Kill Tony. This is the best show. And if you don't like this shit, you are fucking hot. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow. The crowd goes wild. Oh, shit. I'm calling Nick Cannon immediately. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, my God. That was amazing. Open with that. That's crazy. A full celebration afterwards. You lift it up your shirt for a second. Looking like burnt, Christcher. How was it going? How was it going? You did good, Ben. Did you get a big joke book ever on the day of this time? I did.

I did. You did? Hey, Ben. I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. There you go. He just got booked. For a real comedy show, there he goes, ladies and gentlemen, Ben Williams. This is Killtony. And our next bucket pool, anything can happen. The show is cooking. Mixed noise for Heidi, everybody. We're here. We are live. Well, hello, there, football fans, with the football season kicking off right now.

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Holy shit. That's impressive. Wow. Um, I didn't think anything would ever be his awkwardness of my dad handing me my first condom that experiences nothing compared to what happened to the other day. I was over my friend's house as I was leaving to hand him a boner pills. Uh, blue shoes to be exact. He said, these blue shoes are the greatest thing ever. They always work. I said, yeah, why do you think I'm leaving? You're hard right now.

I just hate when those commercials say, if you're a reaction last longer than four hours, you got to go see a doctor. Great. Now I have to go fuck him too. I have a friend who's a doctor. And every year he offers me free prostate exams. And I should take him up on it. But he's an optometrist. No wonder I keep getting pink, I. I'm from the Midwest. So I'm from a small blue collar family. My mom was especially blue collar, even a little red neck, only because my dad couldn't stop choking her.

Thank you, everybody. I'm Austin Ingles. Give yourselves a hand. I'm a little fucking. Yeah. You're in it right now. This is your first time on the show. Oh, yeah. Welcome. How long have you been doing stand up? About three years. Three years. We're at. Illinois originally then I moved here like two months ago. You say Illinois, which would imply that it's not exactly Chicago. Peoria, Illinois. Peoria, that's the first place of both Sam Kennis and Hand Richard Pryor. Yeah. Amazing.

And then there's you. And you're in the middle of the night. I'm going to go to the hospital. I'm going to go to the hospital. Yep. Amazing. And then there's you. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I sent myself up for that. Yeah. No, I actually just came up with it. You didn't release it yourself up. I asked you a question. You gave me the information that I made that joke. You said, yeah, nothing up. I did that. Yeah. Austin, you live in Austin now? Yep. For how long? Two months. Two months.

Do you love it yet? I do. I'm a door guy at Maggie Mays. Oh, nice. Right across the street. Nice. They're doing a little bit of comedy over there, too, right? Yep. Just had a set there and then fucking ran off stage and heard my name got called. So, boom. Welcome to Austin. Thanks. Appreciate you. Absolutely. And I love it. You work there. You make it a living? Yeah. Yeah. You're able to survive what's your living situation? Well, I have two roommates in Fluegerville.

So I got a little bit of a drive. Ooh. Boy, oh boy. Yeah. How far was that? The Pia silent, Matt. If you ask someone from Fluegerville, they'll tell you 15 minutes. But it's really 26 minutes. That's actually exactly fucking true, yeah. Austin, why are you so surprised with my control and masterful execution? I know. It's 26 minutes. Matt, what do you think about this young buck? Oh, do you're funny, man? The redneck joke was fucking hilarious. Thank you, brother. I haven't heard of it.

I've heard of it. Like, original white trash abuse joke in a very long time. Appreciate that. You should start your Netflix special with one. That's my best advice. That's possible advice. I'm not going to lie to you. I lied right when your Netflix special came out. I was like headlining in Cedar Rapids, Ila. And I said you were going to be there. And like, six girls came in with, they're like, where's Matt? And so, only six. Only six. I fell off.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hopefully things pick up soon for you, Matt. I'm hoping so. I hope you're very funny, dude. What do you roommates do? What do you roommates do? What do my roommates do? One of them is a comic, too. And then the other one is in like tech and shit. So, he doesn't do comedy. How does the other comic make money? I don't know. I fucking hear him. Like, I've heard him like three times. Mrs. fucking alarm. So, I close at Maggie's at like three. And then I hear him at six a.m.

Oh, fuck. I've heard it like four times. Just missing his alarm. So, I think he works at a restaurant. But I couldn't tell you, Tony. Okay. Yeah. I just claiming them as dependents. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. The tech guy is also our landlord. So, yeah, you're probably not fucking wrong. Yeah. Yeah. With your landlord. I didn't agree to that when I moved here. So, uh. Wow. Yeah. You live with the Lord. Yeah. Look at that. I was packed into a little manger. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. How old are you?

30. Fuck. Yeah. No, it's with the foot of the screen. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Great. I have blonde hair and a red fucking beard. So, I don't like it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I couldn't tell you. That's interesting. I know who he's voting for. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Um. Someone could use a tax break. Anyway, uh, what do you do for fun? Uh, just comedy pretty much like I said, I'm new here. So, uh, yeah. or anything like that?

I mean, even Ben with the teeth, right? You love? Have I what? Sorry I didn't get that. Ben with the teeth was had the ability to wrap. Oh, yeah. I've heard, yeah, I've heard his sets before. It's not usually doesn't go like that pop. You mentioned that, you took literally 15% of your set to mention that Ben never does that good. You really threw him under the back of us there. I feel good about it. I feel good about it. Ah. Ah. Fuck yeah. OK. So there must be some hobby. I love smoking weed.

I love taking mushrooms, you know, just the classic. What do you like to do when you do those things? Well, back home, there was like a lot of trails and shit. I haven't found them here yet. I'm sure there's a bunch in Austin and Flew. There are a lot of trails here in Austin and India. Yeah. It's a fully developed place. Fuck yeah. So yeah, I haven't traveled a lot outside of Sixth Street, you know? OK. Yeah. You just hopping around Flewgerville?

Absolutely. Yeah. Going to the old Long John Silvers or whatever out there. Yeah. Where's the best hiking trail for him to check out around Austin? There's the green belt I do believe it's called that I've been to. Oh, the one Hans is going to hang himself. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Wow. That worked out. God damn. I don't know how that organic callback happened. That was incredible. The very rare accidental callback. I'll take it. Absolutely. Thanks, dog.

One person. Like I'm missing something about you, Austin Angles. There's something I can't quite put. What's your love life like? Um, it's actually great working at Maggie Mays. They drunk women literally just fucking flocked to you. So I've gotten laid alone three times on that. Wow. So have you ever had sex with a sober woman before? Yes. Yes. But give us an example. Like when you say they come out, they stumble. Like, name a woman. Um, you want me to name my girlfriend?

You really have a girlfriend? No, I mean, my ex is fuck. No, yeah, I screw you. We don't need names. No, OK. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom or anything like that? You ever give them the, what color are your pubes, by the way? That's a good, blonde top red beard. I'm guessing purple pubes. They're a little, like, a little orange tint too. But not, I like to keep it fucking disgusting. Man, gross. I'm a fucking ginger beard. I know. Absolutely. Yeah. Like a court.

Yeah. That's interesting for the fanmind. Yeah. Little orange hairs. Look at you. Yeah. Cute. Like a whole produce section at a grocery store over here. Well, citrus area. Um, I love it, Austin. Yeah, like, three years ago, I saw you guys, you and Red Bandit, Vulcan, you guys are doing a secret show. So it's pretty great. It's like three years of the day. So pretty wild. Unbelievable. Yeah. I know. I've been doing comedy for 17 years. You could have said anything. You marked the date.

I mean, you got Snapchat memories and shit, right? They just pop. No, you're 30. Goddamn it. Oh. There's a bunch of Facebook memories, dude. Goddamn it. Well, welcome to the show, Austin. Appreciate it. You're out doing the hustle in Austin tonight. Here's a little joke book. Take that. Thank you. And sign up again. We'll see you again. Austin, thank you. Thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Jac fly in Florida, County to New Orleans, Wakia. Black was raised in Oakland, Oregon about maybe four, five, or six years ago, and we gave away one of our first ever Golden tickets to a man. Funny man? He flew in today. Here with the new 60-second, I present you Golden Ticket winner, Todd Royce, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, I've been married for 17 years.

And when you're together for a long time, like that, you want to start doing new things in bed. She's learned she should definitely be on top. Um, but we try new things now. Like I try to be more romantic. She's trying to fuck black guys. Um, the other night she asked me to choke her. You can't choke your wife of 17 years because you might not stop. We, uh, true. We, uh, we don't have any children. I don't know what I could possibly teach a kid.

I don't know anything about science or history or portion control. I don't know. I do know that if I had a kid, I would teach them that no matter what they identify with, they don't have to conform to all of the rules of that group. Like someone who's like, oh, I'm a white liberal, but I don't have to use race in every conversation I have or someone who's like, I'm trans, but I don't have to be fucking annoying about it. Or, uh, I'm Catholic and I'm not even attracted to children.

Thank you, guys. Todd Royce. That's a golden ticket winner. Great jokes. Thanks, man. The whole way through just as always, as you've always done before Todd. Thank you, Tony. Absolutely, much like the show you are bigger than ever. Ah. I am a large man. I am a very large man. You were asking him what color his pubes are. I don't know. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha. Maybe you can tell me later, Tony. Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Oh, I need to go in the drums with that. You traitor.

This is treason. Oh, you've turned my own people against me. Oh, my goodness gracious. How's it going, Todd? It's going great, man. I got a new podcast. I'm just throwing that out there right now. If anybody wants to follow that, subscribe to that. What do you do? Review food. I do. It's called the sweet potato pod. And it really is, yeah. Is it really? Yeah, it is. Oh my god. That's so fitting. Yeah, well, listen, I'm a health nut. And I like a...

Yeah, so fitting, just like your massive clothing. Ha, ha. I'm wearing my skinny jeans. Yep. Yep, absa. Fucking lootly. Look at you. You are just a big old boy. I'm just... I, you know, I was here a month ago, and I lost two... Well, I've lost one pound since then. So come on. Wow, amazing. You getting there? Amazing. Slow and steady. Even demand is can see how light I am now. Wow. Nope. Yep. So remind me, what do you do for work again? Just this, actually. Now I'm just doing comedy.

Look at that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Seven people are plotting. Everyone else is like, really? Yeah. No, it is amazing. Yeah. It's a full-time job. Yeah, it really is. I've got a bunch of shows in Las Vegas. I'm actually working with Hans Kim there. Oh. In October, I'm doing Skankfest in September. Oh, hell yeah. I'm doing Boston in November. If anybody... Wow. Look at that. Wow. Boston, preparing for its first clam chowder shortage. Ooh. I do love clam chowder.

I bet you do. Yeah. I bet you do. Unbelievable. What does your wife do when she's not plunging the toilet? Mine me. Remind me again what she does when she's not vacuuming Doritos off the floor. That's absolutely incredible. Yeah. When she's not trying to find a place to sleep at night. Remind me when she's not. What do you mean? She... Another one. Right. When she's not at the grocery store continuously reloading the refrigerator, which is her nickname for you. Oh. It's absolutely incredible.

No, seriously. What does your wife do when she's... She... Wow. And that's coming from Red Band. I need to get my life together. Red Band, me, Red Band. This is incredible. So much. Absolutely. Are you going to introduce me to Matt Rive? Yeah, this is Matt Rive. Yeah, hey, Matt. I'm Fat Rive. Nice man. Boom. Boom. I've heard of you, man. I heard you got your golden ticket from a chocolate bar. But yes. Let's fucking go. Absolutely. You're great. You're great. You're great. Great to.

Great to. Hey, Matt. Yes, sir. Oh. It's a seizure. Whoa. I contact, Matt. Come on. Oh my goodness. The old shaken bag. That's right. Yeah. Was that a break? Was that a reason? That's a great... Oh, thanks. Oh my goodness. You're welcome. Imagine how big those pecs underneath there must be. I'm a fucking man, dude. I'm... You're a couple, man. Yeah. I love how you take these jokes. Such pro-wrestler energies. I remember you used to be a pro-wrestler. You still dabble in that at all?

No. No, I used to. For 18 years. But, um... No, I don't need more. Yeah, the knee. What was your wrestler name? I was the American wet dream. Oh, yeah. Look at that. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, look at that. Oh my God. Breaking bodies and banging hotties. Wow. Didn't he break a table on the show once? I did. I put Joe Berg through a table once. Yeah. No fucking thing. I did. Yeah. I slammed Jeremiah Watkins on stage once. I fed Louis J. Gomez my kidney stone. That was short kidney stone. That's true.

That's true. I figured the only way I can top myself tonight is rape red bin. Wow. Look at that. That will be, uh... A little show called Breaking Bed. You two fucking would fucking... I mean, just... It's pretty hot. Yeah. Incredible. I thought I was into Japanese massage porn over there. Something for everybody here tonight. What else is going on Todd? Anything else crazy going on in your life? Um, what else is going on? Not... I mean, not a whole lot. Just living in Vegas.

I fucking love it there. Yeah. Love getting on the road. Yeah. One person loves Las Vegas. Yeah. You don't know. What do you love about Vegas other than the all-you-can-eat buffet? Yeah, it's mostly... Yeah. Well, you can eat buffets. Yeah. There's a lot of that. There's a lot of food on it. Oh, wait. You are in Vegas now. You're the sphere. Now I remember... That's amazing. How fucking dumb am I that when you got all excited like that? I was like, oh, he remembers. Tony remembers where I am.

It's so sad. No, I know. That was just my brain working. Yeah, no, it's good. It's good. I love it, Todd. Amazing. De-Mannis just got it. Yeah, he did. De-Mannis is on a delay sometimes here. This is one of the first times that I've done in Kultoni in Austin. I remember the first time I did it. I actually saw De-Mannis and I thought that Jeremiah Watkins was just taking a wild swing to this character. No. No, but okay. It's funny. We can cut that one out. Yeah. I'm gonna slide. Okay, that's mad.

There you go. Todd, you are just fucking awesome. We love you. And to be able to have you here for one of your, you know, last performances alive on the planet, you know, we're going to really, you know, but we love you. You just keep kicking nonstop and we'll see you in Las Vegas. All right. Sounds good. There you go. Todd Roy, ladies and gentlemen, golden ticket winner. The scene by the strong set, the amazing interview. Those guys do not fuck around. And who knows? Anybody can get it here.

This is where we found all of our regulars, all of our golden ticket winners. And back to the bucket we go, is I introduced to you, Ernest Evans Sizz. It says Ernest Evans Sizz. Here he is. Ernest Evans Sizz. Man, my name's suck grown up as a kid. Ernest. Because you made a nigger name Ernest in his 40s. Come with a, come with got down two of the forces, drop around, and a gray beard. Nigger's name Ernest come out to pussy a uncle. Giving bad advice.

Go ahead, jump off that bridge, you ain't going to hurt. Because how many kids you know right now named Ernest? No. I have to have a son and name him after me just so I can say I know another nigger name Ernest. But my son hates that name. He's like, there, and how come you can name anything like an urban ethnic like Jamal, Kiantra, Dianne Tape? I'll say a simple son. Them niggers don't get hurt. I'm Ernest Evans, see you man, appreciate y'all. There you go, exactly 59 seconds.

What a pro Ernest Evans. That says Sizz, is that right? It's senior man, they can't write back there, bro. What? They can't write back there, senior. Oh, senior. Yes, sir. Gotcha, yeah, that's an SR. All right. You wrote it. I do. Why did you blame it on somebody else? What the fuck was that? I did. I passed a book quick, my bad. I love it. I love it. I love it. Ernest, welcome to the show. How are you doing?

I was trying to figure out when you have a junior, do you have to give yourself the senior title? You don't have to. You just wanted to. I did. I like that. I can't have him taking credit for all of shit. I do you. Right, you don't want it. He doesn't want your rap sheet. I ain't never been a jail teller. Really? I thought I saw that movie, Ernest, goes to jail. Well. I love it. So, Ernest, I love your style. How old are you? 44. 44. How long have you been on standup? Two years. Two years.

What made you start up 42? Man, I was in an army for a while and you know, I was in charge of a lot of soldiers. I was in some precarious situations. I always try to make every situation light till jokes. So, that's how I got done. Amazing. I love it. I love it. You were in the army. Yes, sir. You were deployed a lot. I'm sure. Twice. Yeah, we're at Afghanistan both times. Wow. That's right. Afghanistan. So, a lot of shit. Oh. Yeah. A lot of fans of Afghanistan. I see it in a company.

He's more focused over there. Yeah. A lot of Afghanis. Look at this. Oh. It's nervous. Oh, yeah. We got one. Get a mat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fellow soldier mat right over here. It's holding a shirt like this. Couldn't breathe. Sometimes we would send Matt and deploy Matt to Afghanistan to make the enemies come in their pants. So. There you go. Thank you, right. Yeah. So, Ernest, what's it like being back in a mirror? Where do you live? North Austin. North Austin. I love it.

A lot of North Austiners here today. I love it. What do you do now? I work for the state. Okay. The state of Texas. I love it. Absolutely. We all love Texas here very much. Is this for you from? No, I'm from a small town called Roddale by 45 minutes north of here. Okay. Thorndale, Taylor, Rockdale. Okay. Yeah. All right. Oh, somebody from Rockdale and his bitch. What is that? I drove through it. Yeah. Can I ask what you did in the army? I was a black-out crew chief. What? After me?

UH-60 black-out crew chief. Nah, man. It's the best job in the army, Matt. You can actually fly to helicopters? Nah, it was a crew chief. I sat in the back. Mechanic worked on it. Did a lot of missions. Like, so when the helicopter flew over that. Wait, they made you sit in the back. Yeah. What the hell? Oh, my God. It'd be like that sometimes, man. Oh, my God. But the back was the best, man. That's where all the shit went down. Yeah. Tell us about it.

What would go down in the back of the helicopter? So shit. Flying Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, washing red, skinned cheerleaders, all this shit. So, I mean, we didn't only just deploy a shoot and do missions. We have some fun, shit too. Damn, look at you. Just chilling with cheerleaders in the back of a chopper. Oh, okay. That doesn't make any sense there, red bit. Come on. I love it. I love it. Well, thank you for your service. That is incredible. What does Junior do? What is he up to?

He's a junior in high school. He's a junior that's a junior? That's a junior. He's a junior. My goodness. Absolutely. What's he into? Gaming, playstation, Iaculist. Do you let him play Call of Duty? Yeah. He does. How realistic is the game compared to your experience? Totally different. Something different than what I did. Yeah, I've never played the level where you're just chilling with cheerleaders. Ha! Maybe I should have said that, Tony. Call of booty, am I right? Call of bill. I love it.

I love it. I love it. That's good shit. I even trademarked that. Yup. Floss of naked bitches all over Afghanistan. I love it. Yeah. Let's go. Let's go. Tell me. What do you do for fun around Austin, Texas? Do you have any hobbies or anything? Yeah, I fish, man. Take the kids fishing like camping and shit. Okay. Yeah. Just chill out. Okay. I love that. Absolutely. And, um, you have a wife girl. Yeah, I'm married, man. My wife Michelle. We just had a new baby. She's nine months old.

Okay. Now, hell, hey, man. Don't clap for that shit. I ain't got no sleeping nine months. Got down. We beefing right now, shit. What do you beefing about? I can't get no sleep down in shit. She doesn't wake up and take care of the baby? Man, it's 2024, man. We share. We share a partner ship, shit. Oh, shit. It sucks living in 2025. Hey, man. Hate 2025. You got to share some shit. I'd be hating that shit, huh? I don't know what's gotten into me, Harry.

No. I feel I'm a little too cozy here with my good friend Ernest. I'm like that, man. That's what I do to people, man. You got me talking like you, Ernest. Oh, man. I don't know what it is. It'd be contagious. Yeah. Contagious is your new kid's name. Am I correct? Contagious. Yeah. Evans. Contagious Evans. Contagious Evans. Texas A. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I love it. You're a funny man. I appreciate it, Joe. You been doing a lot of spots around town? I'm trying to get on.

You know, San, it's a slow grind. But I'm still keeping my head down and keep telling jokes and. That's it. You're passionate about it. I am. Yes, sir. I like your fucking style. And here is a big joke book from the Great Bones Eye. Boom. Welcome to the show, Ernest. Sign up again. We'd love to see another minute. The American Dream. Ernest Evans. Senior ladies and gentlemen. A hero. That guy. Fighting for our country. Riding around with cheerleaders in a helicopter. What a hero. All right.

We're going to keep it moving along. Your next bucket poll. We're going to meet them all together. 60 seconds for Justin. Go for it. I served in the Marine Corps. Yeah. Thank you for my, thank you for my service. We're all the fucking. I served during Don't Ask Don't Tell. And it changed me, man. Like I went in as a young weak boy. And I came out of there as a strong, confident gay man. I was like, what's up? I was like, what's up? I was like, what's up? I was like, what's up?

I was like, what's up? I was like, what's up? I was like, what's up? You got confident gay man. I wish I could say it was the combat that made me hard. But it wasn't the combat. It was the group showers. There's any Marines out there? I know you got my 6th. Don't worry. I got your 9th Brother. You couldn't be gay in serve in the military. But they'll touch you in the shower. Wrainds will grab your penis. You're like, Hey, it's kind of weird. If you're like, I should tell someone, right?

So you try and tell your Sergeant. You're like, Hey, Sergeant. Mendoza touched me and he's like, what's, that's crazy. Where? Show me. And I'm like, step started, no. No. No. No. He's like, you know what, Marine? Show me on me where he touched you. No. No. No. That's it. Justin, Governor Nally. Welcome. This is your first time in the show, right Justin? That it is. Absolutely. How long have you been on standup? Four and a half years. Where you from? Laredal, Texas. I live in San Antonio.

You live in San Antonio now. I do. And is that true you were in the Marines in your gay? Uh, I mean, in Amy Gay. You know, no, I'm not gay. I wasn't the Marine Corps though. I served a great ass-surgut. Oh, hey. Hold on. Time out. Hey. Fly it on the plane. Hey. Hey. Stolen valor. Hey. Hey. Oh. Oh. It's a whole minute. What's about you being gay? No, it's because Marines, dude, you have to be there to understand it. Like, our humor is just so gay, dude.

Well, I guess that makes me a fucking war hero. Yeah, dude. Oh. Yeah, dude. Thank you for your service, Tony. Semper five, brother. Absolutely. OK. So you're not gay at all. All we know about you is that you talked about being gay. But you're not gay. I was a Scouts and I burned the Marine Corps, right? I served from 2004 to 2008. Until Iraq two times. Got blown up. My first patrol, that was fun, you know? Explain what happened there. Tell us about that. Man. Yeah, it was my first patrol 2005.

I was in Haditha, Iraq. And, dude, it was pretty boring. Like, the whole patrol was pretty damn boring. And I remember thinking to myself, like, man, this is actually pretty boring. So it's like a motorcade of trucks and stuff. And you're just going over a bunch of sand. Yeah. That's really happening. Like, my senior Marines were in Fallujah, right? So the unit we were relieving, they were like, you ready? You ready? And I'm like, what's going on? And then it didn't happen.

And he's like, oh, never mind. And then right when he said that, an explosion went off. Boom. And he goes, oh, I guess they're running late today. And I sit down in my chair and the Southern Marines like, welcome to Iraq, Governor. And I'm like, oh, fucking a, that's cool, right? Whatever. And then nothing happened for like four hours. And then on my way back, right when I said, this is actually pretty boring. And I set my rifle on the truck, fucking, oh, my blacked out.

And then I woke up and I had this, like, whatever. Guy next to me was bleeding, you know, but it was kind of. It is right about that. Yeah. OK. But. Yeah. Yeah, dude. You're going to fucking cheer my PTSD, brother. Fucking. Yeah. There's fucking man everywhere, dude. Yeah. Oh, man. I don't know. Amazing. Justin, Governor, Valley. So how long you been doing standup? Like four and a half years? Oh, that's right. I asked you out. Amazing. You have cauliflower here. How'd you get that wrestling?

I fought for quite a black belt in Jiu-Jitsu. Oh, OK. I am. All right. It's fucking. What's that prove it? So you have to show it. So you have to class, brother. He's going to fuck you. Yeah, dude. Did you not hear my entire minute, brother? I got something to prove. Yeah, man. Been training 17 years. Black belt in Jiu-Jitsu. Fucking. OK. How tall are you? 5'6 on Tinder. First of all, but I'm 5'5, right? When I stretch my spine all the way. Are you really 5'5? Yeah, I'm 5'5.

Or to be explode and blow your legs. I guess. Uh. This guy. Amazing. Amazing. So you're on Tinder? Are you dating right now? No, I'm not on Tinder. Everything you say is pretty much a lie. No, no, I was on Tinder. But I do put 5'6. I literally could show you my profile, right? And I'm fucking 5'6 from now. Did you ever go on a date from someone on Tinder? Yeah, I think we all do Tinder's trash. Mumbles trash. That's not true. Have I been on a date on Tinder? Yeah, fuck it. I guess we're here.

I'm about to get probably fired from my job, but whatever. What job? I work in tech. Yeah. Yeah, it's fucking. Yeah, you're going to get fired. Yeah, I'm going to get fired, dude. Let's see. I mean, dude, we've all been on Tinder dates. One time I was hooking up with his girl from Tinder, right? Whatever. It is what it is. I'm fucking whatever. OK, so we're hooking up. And we're doing the whole like the dirty first time hook up stuff.

Like slap, slap, like tell me you love me all that crazy show. Right? Of course. What is going on here? We've all been on Tinder dates. We all know the first part. Tinder, bro. It's Tinder. What the fuck are you talking about? The war made me crazy, man. No. Jesus Christ. Oh, my. Oh, my. The war fucked me up, brother. Yeah. And then she starts a girl on a first date. It was consensual, right? She asked for it. But yeah, we're going at it, right? And then you start saying crazy stuff, right?

Right. Like, how many guys from the internet have you fucked? Huh, you fucking whore? You know? That's what she's asking him. Yeah. No, I'm asking her. Yeah, she's asking me. But then she's like, but then it's like a rhetorical question. She's like, do you really want to know? Do you really want to know? And I'm like, yeah, I'm figuring four, five, whatever, right? She's like, do you really want to know? I'm like, yeah, she's like so many. And I was like, oh, man.

Wow. Yeah. And then whatever, finish or whatever. And then oh. Yeah. That's 100% of real story. Nah. Swear on my life, dude. All right. How many was so many? I don't know, but it was hot. You didn't mean so many to you. Like, how many would be enough that you're like, ah. I honestly don't care, dude, if I'm being real free, re-wearing a condom at the time. Yeah, 100%. Re-wearing a condom with this girl? Yeah. Oh, it was a tender. Yeah, and it doesn't matter.

Yeah. It doesn't count on the standards. You're just a huge deal though at that point. What's that? You're just a human dildo at that point. Nothing else. Yeah. I stopped, though, man. I haven't had sex since like July 5th. Wow. What the fuck happened on July 4th? Oh, my God. I think he told us. Somebody read White and blue and... Yeah. What the fuck happened to where July 5th? No, I just... I'm just taking a break in general, right? Because it gets you in trouble, dude.

No, it gets you in trouble, dude. Dude, what's up? Dude, it's don't take breaks. We don't have it. I was just promiscuous for so long. I got tired of it. Like, actually... You got so much supposed to... No, I don't want to be that guy. Like, yeah, I got fucking pussy all the time, right? It's just...it creates problems, man. You don't want to be that guy, but you talked about being gay, which you're not. So you want to be that guy? I mean, it's the bit, man. It's the bit, dude. All right.

Do you thank me for my service, dude? Thank you for your service. Yeah, I think you think I'm kidding. I'm still virgin. Yeah. It's still hottest. Yeah. Okay, Justin. Well, I mean, very, very interesting guy. Do you have any special skills or talents or anything? I'm a survivalist. I was on Naked In The Freed. For real? Sort of good. I did two seasons. Oh, my God. Yeah. Was your name Justin Governelly on the show? Yeah, Justin Governell. I swear I'm gonna see this guy.

I swear I'm gonna see this guy. It's cock. Here we go. Governelly. Here's the part where we get to watch. Nope, there's the typo. How generous. A-L-E. Oh, my God. There you are. Oh, my God. Wow. You are more afraid than naked in this one. Oh, my goodness. Look at you. Caddog. Oh, wait. You're Michael Gonzalez. Caddon. That is incredible. Wow. Look at that. There he is. A lot of three pounds. Are you excited? You fully excited? Yeah. I got everything done up right here.

Wow. Absolutely incredible. Michael, these you. You stepped short hair and a beard. Yeah, dude. Wow. Yeah, I did a Mexican and a Freed. The first one. Mexican? Yeah. Half Mexican and a Freed. What's the other half? Gay, but I'm not. Gay. Yeah. Here's a little joke, Buck. There he goes. Justin Governelly. Thank you so much, gentlemen. Thank you so much.

We've come to that time, ladies and gentlemen, where it is indeed time for one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, fresh up of MSG. I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, the one and the only Cam Patterson. I was at Casins City on Wednesday. I love Casins City. It's my favorite place on Earth. They have really good barbecue in Kansas City. Paxing my homes, his black is hell. Tell us who we've got a fat ass and I love it. I also was in Chicago this weekend. I love it. I love it.

The bean was beautiful. I'm done. Wow. That's fucking fun. Well, something different. Hostage situation. You were reading all of that off of a W9 tax form. That's incredible. That's why I was shaking. I was really scared the whole time. I got to pay taxes now. I thought I was up. It's something broken here. This shit is not fun. I'm going to jail. Cam Patterson, you've done it again. A very fun, experimental out of the box. Minute for you. How's life going, Cam? It's good. Yeah, it's good.

It's been fun. How was Chicago for real? Chicago was actually pretty cool. The bean was fucking stupid. That was dumb of here. That's the dumbest shit up. This make a mirror, little like a bean. That's fucking dumb as fuck. I hated that. That was stupid shit. What was the bean? The bean. Big metallic terminator thing, glob in the middle of downtown. Yeah, they got a fucking bean. There's a giant bean in downtown Chicago. Yeah. It's like all mirrors. You've never heard of the bean.

You all have heard of this? It's a pretty huge thing, though. B-E-A-N. Yeah, never a bean. Bean. Yeah. What the fuck are you guys? You've never seen that. No. What the fuck is going on? The arch, man. It's the same. You got to be fucking kidding me. You've never heard of this or seen it or referenced it or anything. De-madness is life and everything. How the fuck have you seen the bean? There's no fucking way you know how the fuck is going on right now. This is like a simulation or something.

That's the fucking bean avoided me and I've avoided the bean. We'll be right back. This is unbelievable. Unbelievable. That's crazy. That's crazy. What are you doing in Chicago? I fucking... I don't know. I do shows. I eat pizza. I fucking... I fly away. Chicago's just a... I mean, you know. Shout out to the fans. But I get in, I get out, I get back, and then I go... You got to go flip the bean. You got to go touch it. You got to go touch that bean. Don't touch it. It's filthy.

Yeah, my dog spit on it. Your dog spit on it? My homeboy was a man like you. Oh, yeah, I asked. I mean, not in the bean, it could be. Touch your dog. No, no. Okay, okay. Okay. I can't fucking believe this. That's crazy. You've never seen that. I can't believe there's anything that exists that I don't know about. That's just fucking stupid, though. It was dumb. It was a crackhead there and then it was like, he was fucking with us.

Because we was like, who was just doing a bunch of dumb shit around it? And then he just did lacking people for no reason. Just kicking him in the back of the lead. In the back of the lead. In the back of the lead. Five. Fuck you, bitch. And they're going to walk it off. Wow. And he was Mexican, so I was confused. I don't want to tell him. Damn. I don't want to tell him at all. You in the right brother, you doing what you do. Have a good day. You enjoy yourself. You having a good time right now.

He was like, yeah. He was having a great time. I loved it. It was pretty fun to me. It was pretty fun to me. I liked it. Wow. And you were also in Kansas City? Yeah, that place is terrible. Oh. Yeah, sit there. That's a horrible place. Yeah, that's a horrible place. The reason I wanted to do that shit with a hostage of wasting could like, I was like, I want to hear for like a day and what should I do? And everybody would go get barbecue. And I would like, nigga, I live in Texas. What the fuck?

And they would like, boo! Right. What the fuck would I go here to get barbecue? Niggas fuck that place. It's a different barbecue there, though. It is. It's good. Yeah. Different places have different barbecue. Okay. That ass, not a place. That ass. Red band just puts barbecue sauce on anything and it makes it delicious. It's not, they don't compete or compare with our barbecue. I got a word for you afterwards. What? This is a guy called me a nigga in his mind.

Yeah. How long has that fucking bean been there? I want to, this is blowing up. It's been a long time. Are you fucking seeing it? Yeah. I can't believe you've never seen it. 2006. Oh. Okay, well, not 60 years. Oh. All right. That was off. Oh, love. 18 years. Why is the bean in Chicago famous? Let's click on this real quick. I watched it. There's no reason. I never had the bean pie. Bean pie. Yeah. Fuck that. You've never had bean pie? What is going on? No, no, no. No. You're not wrong.

What the fuck is that? You know what bean pie is? Black thing for? Yes. Oh, it is, oh, it must be. Yes, the must be. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. No. Bean pie. Niggas. Yeah, I don't know bean pie. Niggas. You know bean pie. He's not really black. We don't know him. Snappers kill him. Cam always so much goddamn fun. I love you. Everybody loves you. You're fucking amazing. Taking over the world. There he goes. Cam Patterson. On to the next one.

Back to the bucket we go. And I bring to the stage. Make some noise for Brian says everybody. Here we go. Brian says this is Nick. All right. I just found out I'm going to be a father. It's a court order. It's court order. Call him it down. Yeah, it's me. I had a crazy day today. I got dead named earlier today. Do y'all know what dead naming is? All right. All right. It's fine. It's mixed crowd. I'll let you know.

So if you're not aware of dead naming, it's a term that was adopted by the transgender community. But it's when somebody refers to you by your old name rather than the name you are now. So I got dead named earlier today. I was walking up the street and I bumped into this white guy and he said, hey, watch it, nigger. And I was like, whoa. My name is Brian now. It's not nigger anymore, buddy. Come on. What are you, what are you, transphobic? What the hell?

If you guys are wondering, I can tell that joke. I have a black friend. So I can tell that joke, I believe. Thank you. There you go. Brian says everybody. Fuck yeah. I believe I bumped into you earlier. I'm gonna go. Welcome back to the show, Brian. You've been on before. I have not been on before. You're friends with Cam and I met you before. Is that right? Yeah. Correct. There we go. That's how I know you. Welcome. Yeah. First time on the show. How long you been on standup?

It's about six months now. I love it. I love it. All of it here in Austin. Yeah. Is this where you're from? I came here from Atlanta. Atlanta. Born and raised. I moved around a lot. Okay. Where else have you lived? Virginia, Maryland, California. You ever seen the bean before? Yeah. The bean. Of course, dude. Oh my god. You're talking about, wait, maybe is it Chicago's? Oh my god. What are we talking about, dude? Oh my god. You've been there, right? I've been to Chicago so many times.

Okay. I've performed in arenas, theaters, comedy clubs. I've done it all in Chicago and I've never heard of the fucking bean. Oh wow. Just found out about it. It looked like a total dumbass in front of millions of people. It turns out. Because I don't know about some stupid nothing burger fucking bean. It's just a big mirror. Do you know about this, Carrie? Jesus. Fucking Christ. Everybody knows about it but me. Horn players, did you know about the bean? Jesus, mother fucking Christ.

This is unbelievable. It's the stupidest fucking thing that I didn't know about my old fucking life. I pride myself. I watch Jeopardy and I beat the people to the answers and I would have lost on the fucking bean. I would have lost on the bean. I'll beat anybody in non-bean trivia, right? Fucking now. And here I am. Sure you will, Tony. Whoa, what the fuck's that supposed to mean? That's supposed to mean. You wanna have a rounded trivia right now?

On... Are you challenging me to a game of trivia? I guess... I guess I am now, yeah. Okay. This is the first ever, uh, how are we gonna do this? Brian, look up trivia questions on your iPad. Is this specific subject or is it anything? I don't know. Is this all bean or...? No, it's no bean trivia. Can I have anything to do with a bean, even though I know it was built in 2006. It's a mirror-like structure shaped like a bean, which averages about 7 million visitors per year. Yeah. Yep, yep.

I've been one of them. All right. I guess I'll ask the questions. Here we go. Yes. How many colors are in the rainbow? Tony, you know this one. Ha ha ha. You son of a bitch. Look. A little bit of home cooking over here. What do I do? How many fingers Spittin' and asked you? Do you know? Do you know the answer? Because I do. I know. I don't know. You don't? It's seven. Wow, that is correct. Tony wins this one. Thank you. I'm a trivia. Welcome to Gate Trivia, ladies and gentlemen.

So proud, Tony. We're so proud. All right. Here's another question. All right. Who is the Greek goddess of love? Ooh. I'm going to go with, uh, you have an answer here? I have an answer here. Okay. What's your answer? Um. I have an answer. Am I answer is, uh... No. No phone and a friend here. Stop whispering over there. You fucking... You see him? Stop talking. We can... We have an answer? I'm going Aphrodite. That's what I would have said. Is that the correct answer? Oh my god.

You guys are both right. Wow. Wow. Amazing. I have... I just know that and not the bean. Come on. Keep going. Come up with another question. What do you call a baby goat? Oh, that's... Okay. Do you have an answer? Yeah. Go ahead. It's a kid. It's a what? It's a kid. It's a kid. You are correct. A kid is a kid. A young boy? I don't think I knew that. Thank you. Drink it up, Redbine. You might actually be winning this. Drink it. Come on. Give us a hard one. All right.

Who was the queen of France during the French Revolution? Oh, what? Well, nobody knows about Queens more than me. It's unfair. Yeah. I can't phone a friend. I can't phone a gay guy. No. Cross-a-state. I got... I'm going queen. Elizabeth seems like a good guest. Okay. Hard nose. I'm going Elizabeth. That's a good guess. I'm going to go with Antoinette. You know what? I'll give it to you, Tony. It's Marie Antoinette. That is correct. Wow. Why don't we do something special?

Why don't we switch it to Black trivia just so that I can play some new fucking people right now? Look up Black trivia questions. Formally from Atlanta. Been all over, supposedly. All right. Let's find out. Black trivia. All right. You know helping Black guy. Or girl or whatever the fuck's going on there. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what exactly you are. Kind of look like you have tits. I don't know what's shaking over there, but I'm going to take it. All right. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. He's going to be a University and became a US Senator. Dude, shut the fuck up over there. Do you have an answer? I am really going to need some help on this one. No, there's no help. God, okay. There's no help. You sign up a bit. Can I just say you are the help? Yeah. Take back your rainbow joke. Just KB. It's black again. Let me just, I just want to make it clear. I do like black people. I like my culture. Do not judge me by this answer I'm about to give.

I really love us. We're good people. We're good smart people from Harvard. There's so many that are graduated from Harvard that the first one, how could we, if I, you know, I've choose the, as long as we cross it, we make it to the mountaintop. It doesn't matter if it gets there first. That's more, that's MLK. I know that guy. That's a black, okay. This sucks. Black guy. What was the year? Can I get a year? Give him the year, Red Band. Give him the year. I don't think it's going to help at all.

Well, the answer is not available. It's so, so, so. No, I didn't say a year, so I don't know, of course. I hate Red Band's answer because I can't think of one either. I just can't think of one. So, maybe it didn't happen. Look, Clarence Thomas, that's a, is that a black guy? What? That is a black guy. He's on the Supreme Court. Okay. Final answer. Of all the black guys that have been to court, he's the only one that went to the Supreme Court. Yeah. Supreme, the most time.

Who's going to call this a draw, right, Tony? Ah. Again, he was a US senator. Give me a first letter. A letter? I just need a letter. You know what? I'll give you that. H. Ah. H. Ah, yes. H. You know what your time is up? We didn't get that. We couldn't do it. We couldn't do it enough. I'm going to go with Stevie Wonder as aивance. You both are wrong. I'm here. There's one last question. Oh, okay. Welcome back to Gettao-Jeopardy. The last question.

Which popular dish often associated with the Southern United States It's an African-American culture. Chicken, let's get out of here. Chicken. It is traditionally made with black eyed peas and is considered to bring good luck when eaten on New Year's Eve. Do you know the answer? Goddamn it. Would you like to give it a guess? It's a round gumbo. It's not gumbo, but it's a round there. Would you like the answer? Is this New Orleans? This is a bean question. It's a... It's bean or a laidit?

I think black...it's greens. Black eyed peas is greens. Is that your final answer? That's what I'm saying. Goddamn it, demon. Is that your... You have an answer? New Orleans. I'm sorry. New Orleans celebration... They didn't say that. You said that. New Year's... Oh, of course. New Year's. I'm seeking New Orleans, of course. Okay, so... Uh-huh. Do you have an answer? No, I do not. Any dessert? Huh? Any dessert? Oh, just a dessert? No. We're on dessert?

No, no, no, no. It's not a dessert, no. No, it's an entree. Is white tricks? Do you have a guess? Desert. Niggit. Give it to me. I'm gonna go with jumbo lia. I'm going through. You're both wrong. It's hoppin' John. I don't know if it's racist. Oh my god. Jesus Christ. Okay. Welcome to the show, my friend. Very funny performance. Welcome, very fun. The first ever trivia on Kiltzone. First ever Black Jeopardy. We're taking chances here. It's a very loose show. Anything can happen.

Always adding new segments. Ladies and gentlemen, oh, we're going back to back. Brian's here. It's Brian Knight on Kiltzone. Look out. Make some noise for Brian Cook. Wow, Red Man loves cooks. Here we go. Brian Cook. Thank you very much. Now, I am a music fan to the point where I take it personally sometimes. I was listening to the classic album, Paul's Boutique by the Beastie Boys, but I was listening on YouTube. And YouTube has the comments down at the bottom.

Can you believe what this chucklehead said? And I quote, this album is three retard spouting gibberish over an awkward drum beat. No, exactly. Officially for the record. I love the Beastie Boys. I'm a big fan. But if we're taking the macro view, if we're looking at things in the big picture, isn't all hip hop three retard spouting gibberish over an awkward drum beat. That's what every rap album ever is. And if you think I'm picking on hip hop, I am not.

It's the same way that every death metal band that's ever existed is five retards making the most unpleasant noises humanly possible. It's the same way that stand up comedy is one retard trying to be clever. You see, there's a pattern of behavior here. Now, I believe in diversity. I support diversity. Diversity is a stripper I met over at the Yellow Rose. She's a lot of fun. She's working tonight. So everyone, please go support diversity.

Thank you. Okay, Brian Cook. Calling every artist a retard is this. All of us, we're all in this together. I love it. You've been on the show before, correct, Brian? I was back in June. I remember you. I remember every guy that I think fucked my mom when I was younger. It happens. What about when she's older? Oh shit, you son of a bitch. Too many cooks in the kitchen. Brian Cook. So how long you been doing stand up? Three years. Three. Two and a half, we're in the year three. We're rounding up.

Exactly. I'm an absolutely. And what do you do for a living, Brian? I recently switched jobs. I was working at the car dealership. Now I'm a delivery driver. So we're still out in Austin traffic. I love it. What are you delivering? Alcohol, to venues and bars and restaurants all over town. And underage girls. No, no, no. I hate that. I have to say this once a week. I am not Charlie Sheen. I do not behave like that. Right. But you're wearing a shirt. But I'm wearing a shirt. I rated his wore.

You're dressed like, I'm with a short dude, but New York fucking bagel shop who's like, you're not my father. Oh god. It's OK for five foot women to say you could kill yourself on dating websites. No one's seen this? OK, it's the exact shirt. I like his taste. No. No, OK. I'm just swinging him in. That's your being. You have a lot of energy. Yes I do. Brian, where do you get this energy from? The Good Lord. It's just a natural gift. No, I'm stoked to be here. This is awesome.

We're here in Austin. We got our health. What's the complaint about? Absolutely. I feel bad. Man, you're so optimistic. Something bad's going to happen to you. Oh god. Oh god. Fuck. He's too positive. Soon to be HIV. The Good Lord gives you your energy. Do you go to church? Yeah. Wait. I have it. I haven't found one in Austin, I like it. But there's one back in Huntsville I love. Shout out to Covenant Fellowship of Huntsville, Texas. Wow. This is not the platform to shout out to. We got it.

Man. Yeah. Hip-ops, retarded, hip-ops, this is retarded. That's retarded. We're retarded. I went to a strip club. Shout out to the first Pena Costco out in Huntsville, Alabama. There are some mixed signals being sent. Absolutely. You believe in the Lord so much that wind blows through your hair continuously. It is incredible. You're full. How about there? There we go. There you go. Now you just got a little cotton candy hanging off the top there. Oh. You got a zoom on that, Yoni? There you go.

There you go. It's absolutely stunning. I love it. There's a thumbnail for this. I'm probably five years away from the same hairdo. So I'm not going to roast you too hard here. So tell us, Brian, what else you've been up to? What are you up to in this crazy way? How old are you? 47. Birthday was last week. What? What? Oh, you're 47. Tony and I have had this conversation previously. Oh, my God. This is incredible. So we're not that healthy. OK, four years older than him.

You're four years older than him. Brian, what did you see? What exactly did you witness when you were? Apparently the darkness and the sadness, and that's what drove me into comedy at middle age. What kind of darkness and sadness have you been doing? Oh, I'm bullshit. That's what he called Brian and Cam. Yeah, exactly. Oh, I'm Brian. Nice to meet you, darkness and sadness. Hey, what are motherfuckers hair blown around like that? Oh, my goodness. So what have you been doing with your life, Brian?

We're in the army. We're a music journalist. We went back to school. The pandemic happened. And now we're here. How about you? You were on the show. I can't really remember what happened. I think I have Alzheimer's. I've probably been to the bean. What's going on? What's happened since your last time on? I've been hitting it hard around. All of a sudden, Texas getting booked on stuff, really. Yeah. Putting forth the effort, making the most of the opportunity. Here we're back to the positivity.

Absolutely. Too much unity. 100%. OK, what are you going to do? Why do I feel like you're working on some kind of like science project at home? Because I'm not allowed to talk about that under the advice of legal counsel. OK, what are your hobbies? You seem like the kind of guy that would have little doll houses or something like that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I still buy and sell baseball cards on eBay. That's my thing, you know, after work. After a real year.

What's the coolest piece of sports memorabilia you have? The biggest one I ever hit on is I bought six Patrick My Home's rookies for $5 a piece. Yeah. That's my greatest hit right there. So what are those at about? Probably about $5,600 each. OK. There you go. If sports dorks, Mitch Trebitsky was supposed to be the big quarterback that year. Remember three super bowls later. Here we are. Yep. Chicago Bears. Mitch Trebitsky. The Chicago Bears, not the Chicago beans. Mm-hmm.

Did you play sports going up? Yeah, baseball. OK. Second base. No, outfield. Right field. Right field and center field. That was really good defensive outfield. I could run the balls down. Yeah. That's out of it. OK. Oh, right. Yeah. I feel like you're a fucking great dad, dude. You have kids? No, I do not. What? Wow. Wow. Big miss. Yeah. Yeah. Is that because of religious reasons? No, we got divorced. And if we want the comedy answer, you can say something as a joke, which you mean it.

If we had had kids, we would have produced a super villain. So I think we did the world a favor there. Why do you say that? Because it's two, like what they say, you know, in the AA meetings and all that, sometimes two heads are better than one. You keep yourself on track. But sometimes you just enable each other so hard that you go to AA. Used to. How long have you been sober? We're going with a California sober thing. And we'll say two months. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Cheers. Yeah. So how long were you sober when you were sober? Oh, what's the longest you've gone? No, let me think about a phrase. It's more of a, like, you go on vacation, right? Some people go into Hawaii. I go on a bender. OK. When you go on a bender, what does that look like? Explain to us. This is all starting to make sense. The lower is covered with empty beer cans where you cannot walk to the bathroom. You know what? Yeah. Let's fucking do it up. Amazing.

OK, you, you're a little fucking party machine. Brian. I can push your jumps, yeah. Yes, like, it's a horrible, horrible habit. And I know better. I apologize. But yes, the F words, my favorite word. Which one is? Oh, fuck. The word that could be barely said. I know I barely said, well, let's make up for that. It could be almost every word in the sentence. Fuck the fucking fuckers. Wow. That's right. Shout out to the chair chair now. Huntsville, Alabama. Amazing. So you love cuss words.

What's your favorite racial slur? Demandous plug your ears. OK, I'm just kidding. I was kidding. I was kidding. Don't do that. The fact that we're running through choices is enough. Yeah, exactly. You really? I thought we were playing ghetto jeopardy again, for example. It's trying to ask help from the audience. I love it. Subrion, what else? You do write about music. You judge music, but you don't do anything with music. Yourself. Not anymore. No. What did you use to do?

Played rhythm guitar in a terrible band that was a hate breed ripoff that was a hate breed. Yeah, you ever heard that band hate breed? We sounded exactly like them. It was a decent show, but zero original thought. Huh. Oh, that's all right. You missed a nothing. Demandous is a few whiskey's deep tonight. No, actually not this time. Really? What are you drinking tonight? Coffee. Oh, wow. What's going on? Oh, my goodness. Demandous is sober. This is absolutely incredible. That's amazing.

Should have. All right. All right. All right. OK. All right, D. So hate breed is like a heavy metal rock and mosh pit stuff. Yeah, metal band. Right, did you sing it all for them? I'd go like the backup vocals. Can we hear, can you guys play some heavy metal for a second? I want to hear what Brian Cook sounds like. Ready to talk? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, my fucking god. What the fuck? What the fuck? Need to get some just for men. Fucking crazy as grandfather. I've ever seen him by life. Divorced?

Can't you believe it? Bro, that was amazing. I think. Thank you. And you don't want to curse? That's so fucking weird. I don't know where it's going. I feel like I just got fisted in a Spencer suit. Uncomfortable. Unbelievable. Unbelieveable. I mean, you have such an interesting range. Oh, yeah. The Lone Bowel. Wow. What was the church that you shot it out earlier? Yeah. I don't know if they're going to love this. The Covenant Fellowship of Huntsville Tech. All right. All right. All right.

What size joke book did you get last time you were on a small one? Well, I'm going to tell you what. I like your fucking energy. I don't know about the set. The set was OK. I love the interview. I like your fucking style. There he goes. Thank you. Cook, ladies and gentlemen. All right. We're coming around the mountain, ladies and gentlemen. We have another Golden Tickle winner I got to get up here. This guy's on an absolute fucking kill streak of mass proportion. He's unstoppable right now.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for one of the greatest Golden Tickle winners in the history of the show. This is a new minute from Martin Phillips. Oh, it was out there. You know, we're in Texas. You know, the cowboy outfit is pretty pricey. You know, the hat, the boots, expensive people built a lot of money to look gay. I'm going to put it down. I'm reading a food blog guy. I can read it because a port start writes it. You know, I'm tired of watching you have sex.

I want to get to know you. But open up. Anyway, in Great Britain, they call ladybugs ladybirds because red is a color of normal women and they fight like birds. And it's culturally called the ladybugs because they're not fucking birds. They don't want to burn the bike. Martin Phillips has done it again. I mean, you are unstoppable. There's so many great sets from you. It is. It's the only situation where I'm unstoppable. I have. It's all I got. I'm solving a rock solid material. Unbelievable.

Unbelievable structure from a guy who is off balance all the time. You came out guns of blazing, made fun of cowboys, looking gay even though you're the one with the broke back. Damn, damn, yeah. Damn you. But you have it for the other reason. You son of a bitch. You're one of the few men I could easily rape. So you be careful over there. You be careful. Or else you're going to see my cerebral ballsies. You know what I mean? Hello. Hello. I want to see your bean.

Matt writes like, where the fuck am I right now? What is this chaos? Matt, how about the great Martin Phillips? So fucking funny. Oh, thanks. When were you vaccinated? Years ago. I was about the Ferris. Fucking hell. So. Do you actually read food reviews? Not that. I was this. I read an important start. I never had to read or work. I considered it at times. I was like, oh, yeah, this might be good. Support the art, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Favorite food. I don't know. Soup. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not that retarded. Look at him. I'm not. That's Jared and Nathan. Oh my goodness. That was. That was. Whoa. Taking shots. Taking shots at the even less fortunate than yourself. That's absolutely incredible. These people would all kill one another if given the opportunity. Martin, do you cook at home? I have a crop pot. I don't like a lot. Yep. The crop pot is very hard to drop. It stays on the counter the entire time. Unlike a frying pan or a regular pot. Croc pot stays stable.

It's hard to fuck it up. Exactly. Anyone can do it. That's true. That's what the tagline could be. Anybody can do this shit. What? Don't have anything to make in your crop pot. Have you ever met any hopping johns perhaps? Actually, my dad actually makes that every new year. Really? I swear to God. Look at that. He used a chicken bake. My dad makes it. Not me, my dad. Yeah. Well, at least something was hopping in that household. All right. I love it.

Martin, what you been doing with yourself lately? Oh, I've been all over, you know. Toward around and whatnot. Do it with some shows. Errin, by the way, I was breaking me around. I think he just wants to get paid twice. Because people take one of the same person. So I think that's his scheme, you know? Yeah. That makes sense. You guys are out there touring around getting on the airplane before everybody else. Oh, yeah, let's do it. I don't know what it's like to wait outside.

What am I at present? Like fuck that, you know? I mean, I'm waiting. Absolutely. Absolutely. You can, you get to be on the plane anywhere with the emergency exit row. Yeah, I brought up. Yeah. I'm not going to. You ever been in the emergency? You ever just a lot. I'm like pretend like you know, I think one is like there. So other seed. And I don't like to sit there. Because I'm an anxious guy. So we did turbulence. I'm opening the door. You are flying out. I'm like, sorry, my bad.

I'm not a good guy for that. A door. What else is going on, Martin? You know, I know. I know last time I was here. I did kind of get. I don't really keep it about my driving. Yeah, you were very offended. What did I do? What did I do? My outfit, good. The driving story I have. You were, you've been driving. Yeah, it's what happened. So here it is. But this is back home. It was like a narrow street. And my sign mirror, like straight the car. And I didn't realize that the guy chased me down.

And he was like yelling at me and stuff. And then I get out the car and he was like, never mind. It's like, again. Oh, it's good. Now I thought it was like a Jedi mind drink. I was like, oh, fuck. So the best part. He apologized to me. I was like, damn. Absolutely amazing. So yeah, that one's a question to be about my driving. They've just been really happy for me. How much is your insurance? I never went in an accident. So it's good. It's good. Amazing.

I've been to the guy I'm friends with Shake from State Farm. Good one. Bex. I'm not proud of it. I'm not going to his church. I don't know who your insurance company is, but thank goodness your disease isn't progressive. That is a good one. I'm okay. No, I mean it. I mean it. I mean it. I love it. I love it. I love it. Okay. And you do move like the guy co-lizard. So it is incredible. We're covering all the insurance. But that you have me. That's that me. I move. He's the loser. I don't know.

God knew this. It's move. I don't know. I don't like the lose. The guy co-lizard. I love how you get strangely defensive sometimes. Like you're like don't make me pull my hand out of my pocket right. Whoa. Oh god. Oh, whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. My goodness. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. I thought he was doing magic. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Martin, you do it again and again and again. Your minutes are just fucking unbelievable. Clawing his way to the history books.

One more time for the great Martin Phillips ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable. All right. I gotta start to put a ribbon on this goddamn thing. Your next bucket pull is from the inside ladies and gentlemen representing you, the audience, here where anything can happen. So it's probably a first timer. Make some noise for Javier Ramirez. Oh my goodness. Wow. From right in the corner. Javier Ramirez. Yes. What is going on, world? You like that. Yeah. I am autistic.

I know it's not obvious because I'm not banging my head against the floor, but I am. I am also gay. Bicycle. I'm also fucking everybody here. Probably an injury from the vaccine if you ask me. Well, shit. Yeah, you guys are a big genocide crowd. Yeah. Hey. All right. Let's see how this goes. Been kind of a news buff myself, kind of under reported numbers in Israel. Yeah. Turns out they're doing girl math out there. And God's is having girl dinner. Yeah. All right. How am I doing? Holy shit.

Holy fuck. I'm here. Oh, yes. God bless America. And yeah, I love you guys. Yeah, 27, getting older. All my friends are either getting into barbecuing or grooming. Either way, the meat could cook a little bit and age meat. You know, you got to get a little bit into it. Yeah, whatever. That was great. Yeah. Hell yeah. Oh, good. Hello, Javier. How's it going? How's it going, Ramirez? Welcome to the show. Javier, Ramirez. You came out. You said that you're autistic. You're gay.

Your body, which means you're also a Democrat. It's all fake. Hell no. Trump 2024. Oh, wow. There you go. God damn right. I'll say about that. Yeah. Texas, baby. What are you doing, bro? Oh, my goodness. I'm not right. You are delicious, bro. Wow. Oh, yeah. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. God damn. You know, I'm going to say that right now, man. You sound like the Easter Island head from that at the museum.

Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty much me, man. That is me. Yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, you're f**k. Listen to that f**kin voice. Hey, can I do voiceovers? You f**king better. Yeah. So I would like to put my dream out there. Yeah. Maybe not for this show. But there's other shows at the mothership. And there's an announcer. There's an announcer. You usually adore guys. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for a comedy show? Oh, come on. You can definitely do better than that. Are you ready for a comedy show?

Yeah. In Austin, Texas, give it up for Javier Ramirez. Yeah. Tony Hitchcock. It's actually pretty good. It's actually pretty good. We could probably get you to record that first. I would love to do that. Because then we'll just give you a list of comedians' names that usually open the show. Yeah, you know. Hey, baby, what's that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Who knows? Holy f**k. That's incredible. You live here in Austin, Javier? Yes, yes, sir. I just moved from... To the F**k's sake, guys.

This is my friends. You came with this whole crew, people? Yeah, yeah, yeah. These are my friendos, yeah. Wow. I've been here the whole time. God damn, he looked good, man. I'm just going to say... Oh, stop hitting on Matt. Yeah, I'm sorry. Oh, my God. That is incredible. Oh, yeah. Which... Which are you more gay or more straight? Which... I'm the spectrum. Whichever one gets me into heaven, yeah. Whatever. Let me ask you a question. Is your throat as deep as your voice?

Yeah. I take after my mom, actually. Yeah. Kind of a deep throat on my mom, too. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. God damn. That is... Love you, mom. Wait up, I'll call. Wow. Relationship with your father. Oh, great, actually. What do you do? He's the mechanical engineer. Smart as shit. Yeah. Smart as shit. I'm not. Oh, yeah. What do you do? I work in tech, and it's a bullshit. But I do voiceover stuff. I love announcing. I love Bruce Buffer.

So if you guys could introduce me to him, that would be a dream. Yeah. He's not going to fuck you. Yeah, probably not. I'll also try though. I know. He won't. Now. Hell yeah, man. So happy to be here. Kremel, what have you used your voice for before? So like commercials and IVRs and like, stupid stuff like that. Anything we would recognize? Oh, not yet. Hopefully. Yeah. Double kill. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you, you should tell people bad news. Yeah, I should do that. Just working a hospital.

It's stage four. Doesn't sound that bad. Yeah, I appreciate it. Hell yeah. Holy fuck. Can I shake your hand, brother? I'm not going to jerk off with it later. Good to meet you, man. Thank you. Great to meet you, man. Hell yeah, man. Does your shirt have buttons up top? No, no, I'm kind of rocking the, you know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. This is a creepy bucket pool. I might be yourself a platter.

Yeah. This is my entire band wants to know if you know the chocolate rain song. Ooh. Chocolate rain. I forget. Chocolate rain, right? Chocolate rain. I don't remember the lyrics. I don't remember the lyrics. I don't remember the lyrics. I don't remember the lyrics. Oh, what a wasted opportunity that was. Holy fuck. Wow. Okay. All good. I can't believe there's another reference. I don't know. But chocolate rain. Chocolate rain. Don't do this. I bet you do, Tony. I bet you do. I bet you do.

This is fucking crazy. This is going on tonight. Crazy. Hell yeah. Crazy. Stop. I've never heard that song in my entire life. Hell yeah. How the fuck is going on here tonight? Yeah, holy fuck, huh? Wake up, Tony. You're in a car accident. Wake up. It's a sentence. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Oh, you son of a bitch. Woo. You son of a bitch. If I was blind, I'd still be able to hear songs, demoness. Bastard. Bastard. Bastard. Unbelievable. Oh, D. Celebrating his victory. The old, what are you blind?

Our celebrate my victory. All right, relic. Yes sir. Oh my goodness. Holy fuck. Is he blind? Holy fuck, yeah. Wait, for real? No, I'm realizing right now. He did not flinch. I would like for that to be on the record. He did not flinch at all. He's not flinching. In fact, he smiled at your attack. Laughing off Matt Wright's attack right now. Had no idea. That is amazing. I do realize I forgot to tell you that. Yeah, man. That's one of the things that I tend to go over with the gues.

We have a blind based player. It's like part of my ramble. My preacher. Get the towel and mist them. Wait, who threw a towel? Demand is no throwing things. It got me. You're out of control. Yeah. You hit an Asian lady in the face with a towel. And she's not going to be able to drive home after this. Oh, there you go. You have something in common. Javier Ramirez. Yes, sir. Your autistic, your gay, your bi, your stray, your everything.

What's the craziest sexual experience you've ever had in your life? Wait a second. Let me just take a moment to inform the audience and the internet that his entire very large group of friends just started going crazy. When I asked this question. Let's hear it. Go right ahead and answer the question. I was looking up with a baby's whale and chick. They're kind of cheap nowadays. I got to go for nothing. So I didn't ship before the day, which in hindsight might have been bad. Wait, you did what?

I did not ship before going out of the day. You did not ship. Who pulled out of my cock a hole? Yes. She was trying to finish me off as they do. She was giving me head. I'm sorry. You know, in YouTube, I'm sorry. But yes. And I was laying down. Very nice. And she did some kind of bail and swim magic on me. Or something. Some kind of tongue twister, you know. And holy shit did I fart in her face. It was pretty bad. It was really like a bad one too. You chuck buried her. Yeah, right. Oh, yeah.

A lot of fun on that one. Wow. You almost gave her some chocolate rain. That's a professional. That is a professional right there. Wow. Holy shit. Wow. Yeah. So then, you know, I just like laughed and I was like, what the fuck was that? I don't know. That laugh must have sounded menacing. I forget about that face. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. One fart, maybe two. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Amazing. Amazing. I offered her some water to wash it down, you know.

Was that the answer you thought he was going to give the crew that popped hard when I asked him his crazy. I told him about it. He's the homie. Is that the one? Yeah. They're my friends who, Ali too. I just remember she's nice. Have you slept with anybody in your front? Not yet. You know. We'll see how it goes on. Good to see you. You're an asshole too. You gave me a fake fist bump at the little boy. I would just want to, I would love to get the fist bump back. You're talking to me?

Yeah, you've fagged. How did I? What are you saying, though? What kind of fake fist bump? So it was bottom of the barrel and I was front stage and you did the weight hold up. I've been meaning to do this. Oh, God, wait. What are you about to do? Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yes. That was pretty good. I was going to give you a fist bump and then you were like, I'm good. Right. Because I didn't fist bump anybody. Yeah. Yeah. Can I get a fist bump now? Can I get it back, Tony?

Are you going to fart if I do? I'm kidding. Maybe. Here you go, Javier. Here's your fist bump. Thank you. The prophecy is fulfilled. Yeah, man. Javier Ramirez is getting a little joke book. There he goes. Got it. Got that bitch. Thank you very much. Trump 2020 for it, Javier. God bless America. Thank you. There he goes. The mayor of Monkey Pox, ladies and gentlemen, Javier Ramirez. And it is that time, ladies and gentlemen. We've had a hell of a show. There's only one way to put a ribbon on it.

It is true. He is the man, the myth, the legend, the Tijuana tornado, the Vancouver vampire, the Toronto Tarantula, the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the big red machine. This is William Montgomery. A school lunchroom lady was recently arrested for stealing 1.5 million dollars worth of chicken wings. Apparently she was good friends with David Lucas. But I just think your name should have been a big red flag for the school. Kinesha Popeye. Aris to the Popeye's fortune.

Last week in Uganda, a mountain of garbage collapsed and killed 23 people. Which is pretty disappointing. Because I had visit Uganda as the 957th item on my bucket list. I'm never going to Uganda. Why did Red Band buy 101 Dalmatians from Cruella, Deville? Because they heard there were some hot dogs for sale. You fat dumbass, you love hot dogs. And those are, a hot dog is a stolen dog. I used to be in a Christian death metal boy band and our fan base did not get along. Okay, that's my time.

Exactly one minute on the absolute dot. He has indeed done it again. That's why he is the big red machine. Billy Boy, Mick Gumball's William lights out Montgomery, the fifth. First of his name, King of the Gandoths. The third of the rotisserie, the Maestro of Montropolis. Tony Barin of the Bean. The chocolateeer of Rain. The reference robot, William lights out Montgomery. Tony, this is kind of a thank you, Tony. Thank you. I know, thank you. This is kind of a weird one for me tonight. Yeah, why?

Matt, I cannot believe you and I have never met before. It's always been one of the biggest. Long overdue, dude. Oh my gosh, it's so nice to see you tonight. You're fucking hilarious, man. Well, thank you so much. It's so nice to see you tonight. That's my voice. That's very nice. I'm just like a little embarrassed or something. I don't know what to say. It's okay. Don't freak out, William. Don't freak out, William gets a little shy. He's a little... Matt, I guess what happened on Friday?

No, he's not gay. Oh, he's gonna turn on you real quick. I don't know what to do with that. Wait, what the fuck did you want to say, man? All right, okay. You think I'll get it? No, but oh my gosh, I went to Perry's stay-couse. Have a wonderful deal on pork chops on Friday. And I go there. Yeah, shout out to Perry's wonderful deal on the pork chops on Friday. And I have to go TT real bad, Tony.

And I go to the bathroom and there's this scary looking big homeless man just wandering around in there and have to pee so bad. So I go to one of the two urinals and there's shit. And one of the urinals and two paper towels. And he's trying to rip down the door to the freak install. And then I go out and I tell everybody there's shit. And the urinal, everybody that works there. Nice to see you, man. Yeah, nice to see you. Nice to see you.

This is William Montgomery indeed in the- God, I messed that up! I messed that story up in front of you, man. There's no way I would have known. You know, it's great. William has the record for all time appearances on this show, interviews on this show, everything. The first member of the first living member of the Killtony Hall of Fame. What, no, that's not true. Michael was alive when he got it.

Yeah, and any of these keyboard warriors who think this fucking shit is easy, this shit is not fucking easy. And any of your new idiots, they think you can do it. Do you like to critique me? Any of you think you can do this? NEPPER! NEPPER! You have no idea what it tastes! Do you know how long it took me to write the 100-1 Dalmatian show? It took me five fucking hours yesterday, dude! Anyway, what I was saying was that he has the record for all time appearances, interviews, everybody.

He's been on almost every single show for over five years. Is that right? How long does this- There's just one piece of shit. I don't look at the fuck. You go ahead, go ahead. Let it out, let it out. Do you know the words to chocolate rain? Ha-ha! No, but where were you saying, Tony? I just- I was gonna say, all time record holder for appearances on the show, and I don't think I've ever seen you quite as shy in front of anyone as Matt Wright. Super shy right now, again.

We have never met- Oh, man, he just winked at me, Tony. Whoa! William's famous for winking. Really? You didn't know that? I didn't know that. When he does it, a special noise happens, and everything, a little sparkle noise. Watch, watch, watch. There it is. Okay, okay. I can't do it that fast, dumbass. You can't even- And it's weird, when Red Band gets wasted, he loves to get just black out drunk, and it looks like he doesn't blink at all, which is so funny, his eyes never fully shut.

He has a gluten allergy, William, and he loves gluten, so he's constantly in a allergic state. He's staring you down. Look at this. Wow, this is a male. William is completely disinterested in this. William, where are you from? I'm from Memphis, Tennessee. I fucking love Memphis. Good barbecue. Yeah, I really get barbecue. Good barbecue. Yeah, my gosh. Have you been to the hotel? What, the Peabody? Or, no, not the Peabody, the one in the pyramid? No, not that one.

Hold on, what's another one in Memphis? The Lorraine Motel? I don't know what the name of it is. The one. It would have come up on blackboard, Martin Luther King. I think it's Chau. Yes. I have been there. Really good barbecue right next door. Wait, wait a second. Hold on. Hold on. First the bean. Then chocolate rain. You're telling me Martin Luther King got shot? I knew it. I'm fucking knew it was going to be so stupid. So stupid. All right, all right, all right. I was a joke. All right.

So William, something interesting happened on my way back from New York City. I was lucky enough to be able to hitch a ride on a friend's jet. And the jet had an engine problem and had to make an emergency landing in of all places. Memphis, Tennessee. And immediately we find out that oh shit, they don't have the part for the jet. And we're going to have to take a commercial flight. And the next one's not available for three or four hours. So we get a commercial flight.

And then we have three or four hours in Memphis, Tennessee. So guess who I called and messaged? My papa and my mama. That's right. Pop it in a respond right away. So I immediately hit up mama. And they started giving me restaurant recommendations and hotel recommendations. But that was before I realized we could get a commercial flight out of there. Because I thought I might have to stay in Memphis. So there I am communicating with your lovely parents who I'm very close with.

And it turns out I didn't have enough time to go to the restaurant that they recommended. So I looked up restaurants that were close to the airport right down the street on Elvis Presley Boulevard where the airport is. And it turns out it was an Elvis themed restaurant. And we only had about an hour and a half to two hours to eat food. And of all the days that I could have had an emergency landing in Memphis, Tennessee, I swear to God it was indeed, of course, Elvis Presley Day.

Uh-oh. Yeah. And so there we are thinking, okay, we're just going to go get some quick Memphis barbecue real quick at this fucking Elvis joint. And there's a weight. Everybody's stressed like Elvis. The place is fucking insane. And so I spent some time in Memphis. I love it. Well, you should have gone to mom and papa's house. I wanted to. I know you should have gone over there. I was really close to making that move.

But I tried to make it back to make it to Monday Night Raw, which I also wasn't able to do that. Shout out to uh, Sam E. Zane, Pat McAfee. Tony, I'm glad the plane didn't crash or something. We wouldn't even be here today. Could you imagine that? Does anybody there wouldn't be a line outside nothing? Yeah, it's a crash. It's a crash. Be careful, Tony. That is sure. I've always told you about the private jets. You know that. Okay. You know I have, Tony. I don't take private jets, William.

I don't take private jets. It was a special instance. Okay. Careful. Careful. I fly commercial with the people. I'm a man of the people. I take Southwest flights. Position group B. Because I like to be mixed in with normal humans. I like to be able to write material and connect with the people. But I take jets any chance I get. It's truly a superior way of travel. And once you start, there's really no going back. It's after you take a jet once. You're just furiously angry on flights.

Even if you're in first class, it's disgusting. All right, I'm kidding. So, William, anything else crazy happening this week? Just Remnant 2 at some video game, Tony. I think I've put in 40 hours the past four days. That's 10 hour days on the math on that. But yes, Remnant 2. It's a third person shooter. You can upgrade your character. You can upgrade everything about it. But yeah, I cannot get enough of that. I'm about to go back and play until probably 5 a.m. tonight.

I have to be careful, Matt. I've been playing it all night long. Poor guy. I know. I don't know how to stop. Wow. I don't know how to talk to you. I don't know how to talk to you. Everything you say is a mystery, dude. Well, nice to be here, Tony. Thank you. William, we love you. He ain't never going to stop. There goes William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Perhaps one of the greatest hot dog jokes I've ever seen in my life. The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in.

Make some noise to fucking Matt Rife. What a great fucking... What a great time we had. MattRifeofficial.com is a new world tour. Also, loose it on Netflix. Number one right now. Matt, you're the fucking man. So much fucking fun. You have the fucking best fans, man. Thank you so much for letting me do this. Thank you so much. It's a true pleasure to have you. Shout out to Squarespace, Strapking, Zipper Coot, or Shopify, and him. So one more time for the best standband in the land. Great band.

Check out the sunsetstripatx.com. Love you guys. Indeed, we do love you so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you. We'll see you again soon. Good night. Thank you. Thank you. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Check out Red Band's secret show every Friday.

Check out red Band's secret show every Thursday. Check out red Band's secret show every Thursday.